#gabaper

[bookoformon]

Helaman Chapter 6, Part 1, "Power and Authority."

The righteous Lamanites preach to the wicked Nephites—Both peoples prosper during an era of peace and plenty—Lucifer, the author of sin, stirs up the hearts of the wicked and the Gadianton robbers in murder and wickedness—The robbers take over the Nephite government. About 29–23 B.C. = In tabag, "the slaughter of the gathering."

Just when things start to look up the Gadianton Robbers show up and try to take over. I've heard that can happen.

1 And it came to pass that when the sixty and second year of the reign of the judges had ended, all these things had happened and the Lamanites had become, the more part of them, a righteous people, insomuch that their righteousness did exceed that of the Nephites, because of their firmness and their steadiness in the faith.

2 For behold, there were many of the Nephites who had become hardened and impenitent and grossly wicked, insomuch that they did reject the word of God and all the preaching and prophesying which did come among them.

3 Nevertheless, the people of the church did have great joy because of the conversion of the Lamanites, yea, because of the church of God, which had been established among them. And they did fellowship one with another, and did rejoice one with another, and did have great joy.

4 And it came to pass that many of the Lamanites did come down into the land of Zarahemla, and did declare unto the people of the Nephites the manner of their conversion, and did exhort them to faith and repentance.

5 Yea, and many did preach with exceedingly great power and authority, unto the bringing down many of them into the depths of humility, to be the humble followers of God and the Lamb.

The year is 62 in the reign of the Judges, which has a Value of 3120, גאב‎אֶפֶס, gabapes, "mountain of peace."

The verb גבב (gabab) doesn't occur in the Bible but it appears to have meant to be concave or convex; to be bulbous or hollow. Noun גב (gab) denotes anything that is bulbous (hills, buttocks).

The verb פסס (pasas II) means to disappear or vanish. It's used only once, in Psalm 12:1, where the psalmist laments that the faithful disappear from among men. Since faithfulness requires social cohesion (to establish and retain standards to be faithful to), the disappearance of these faithful was likely due to their density in society, which results from them being spread out.

In this section of the Book of Helaman we see something we have not seen before - the Lamanites, "the ignorances" after causing a lot of trouble, finally accept the Sacraments, convert, and become one with the Nephites. Except the Gandianton Robbers, who are opposed to this, start causing strife again.

Each one of these labels, Lamanite, Nephite, Gandianton, represent a sin or a virtue or character trait that draws one closer to the Spirit of God or causes a rift. These need to be compiled into a list with their proper headings and definitions provided.

Gadianton, for example, "means pillar of lies", "buries the truth". They are the slavers that ran America's industry at the time the Book of Mormon was written in 1830. We would know them as the Republican Party and Evangelical Christians of today. The descriptions of tactics match- Evangelicals are delusional, they lie, cheat in elections, hate the poor, violate the law at every turn, and mint weapons.

They are not engaged in conversion or the harnessing of the Power and Authority of the Lamb. Instead they engage in racism, apartheid and corruption. They are filth and are they going to hell.

The cheating the Evangelicals undertook in the 2016 Election, causing a rift in America's ability to be a sovereign state resulted in an ideological rift in our national culture. Now politicians like that disgusting bitch Marjorie Taylor Green use our time and money to engage in abuses of power and against the Cabinet while the President plays Mr. Peanut with the Veep, Misses Peanut.

A significant malfunction affecting our world has taken place because of our lack of belief in the evil of the Evangelicals, the Gadianton of our day, but unlike our forebears we have legal recourse available to us.

To use the law peacefully to remove corrupt politicians and their support satellites from the government and end their ability to inflict abuse on other government officials or the polity is very much the same thing as using the Power of the Holy Ghost to protect what is holy in the Church.

This, along with observance of the Decrees and the Spirit within the Law, especially mandatory observance of Shabbat for all persons, was the real mission of the Lamb.

As soon as President Biden tries to comprehend this, life wil be so good.

The Values in Gematria for this section follows:

v. 1: The Value in Gematria is 7805, ז‎ח אֶפֶסה‎, zah ephesus, "futility in the future."

v. 2: The Value in Gematria is 11259, the object of desire, yabhat, "the House of God has to be dried out."

v. 3: The Value in Gematria is 10554, י‎ההד, the echo "one must comprehend the rebound."

v. 4: The Value in Gematria is 7973, ז‎טזג‎‎, ztazg "that which remembers."

v. 5: The Value in Gematria is 11048, יא‎אֶפֶסד‎ד, yeapsed‎ "witness God's outstretched hand."

"Futility in the future can be dried out of the present once one comprehends the echos of the past. That which remembers wields the Authority of Moses, the Outstretched Hand, which leads to freedom."

The fools and cucumbers in the Republican Party do not understand the Scripture or the Law and have chosen to ignore the consequences of corrupt regimes like George W Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Donald Trump. Our world does not deserve to suffer under the reigns or dung piles like these and the President has to lead the way to permanent emancipation from them.

There is no other way out of the messes we are in if he does not.

[rxonlinehealthh]

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[mousey-toy]

oof i am sore

[cahayaandalusi]

“Kok kamu baper? Kamu salah kalau baper sama aku”

HEH BHAMBHANG! KALAU KAMU GA MENTRIGGER AKU GA AKAN BAPERLAH. YAKALI AKU GABAPER SAAT SEMUA ORANG DISEKITAR KITA PADA CURIGA. YAKALI AKU GABAPER SAAT SEMUA PERLAKUANMU BENER BENER BEYOND FRIENDS?

Tak tutuk mau? 😂

Nottingham saat gemas sekali, 25 April 2021 || 23:47 BST

[paaiii]

ada kala nya gue bersyukur dg sifat gue yg gaterlalu bisa bergaul dg banyak cowo, krn pernah di suatu momen ketika gue ngeliat temen gue bisa berbaur dan renyah utk main dan gaul sm laki2 membuat gue kadang bertanya2 "kok bisa sih dia seberbaur itu.. dan pasti temen cowo nya banyak yakan". Pernah ada di pemikiran itu..

dan mungkin skrg gue rada bersyukur dg sifat gue yg terlalu membatasi.. krn skrg gue paham Allah gamau gue terlalu banyak menaruh perasaan di diri gue.. perasaan baper yg sering kali terjadi.

Ga banyak orang yg bisa masuk ke diri gue. Tp sekali nya ada yg bisa masuk, baper gue bisa berbulan2 dan berdetik2 *hili agak lebay emg.

Ya.. gue sadar, gue org nya baperan bgt, maka nya Allah gamau banyakin gue temen cowo, dan batasin gue dg sifat gue yg gabisa berbaur sm mereka.

When there is someone told you "Iya tenang.. gue akan jadi ~temen hidup~ a.k temen bertumbuh lu, gue akan ngebimbing lu buat mencapai mimpi2 lu." ajegile siapa yg gabaper? dan tambah lagi.. yg ngomong ini memang bisa dibilang sudah bisa mencapai impiannya di usia yg setara sm gue.. makanya ada sedikit harapan klo dia bukan cuma halu dan omdo. Gue baper abis seketika ada yg ngomong seperti itu.. walaupun gue gatau itu omongan tulus atau emg hanya sekelewat kata.

Makanya dr omongan itu, gue tepis dengan pernyataan "JGN TERLALU MENARUH BANYAK HARAPAN KE ORG LAIN, KRN YG HARUS KAMU PERCAYAI ITU DIRI KAMU SENDIRI" Gue tanamkan dlm hati biar gue gaterlalu kebawa sama iming2 doi. Hftt

Plis deh ai.. udh gajaman kali baper, skrg udh jamannya nikah. Hmm.. gapapa manusia punya fitrah sebongkah rasa, terima aja dulu rasa yg diterima.. asal jgn terlalu berlebihan dan diluar kodrat Nya. InsyaAllah ada fase nya ketika rasa ini menjadi sebuah ikatan suci walau tidak tahu dg siapa nanti.

[jajanpasar]

Ngeliat orang yg orientasinya beneran akhirat adeem bangett, ya Allah.

Semoga ketularan biar gabaper dan gasilau, sama gemerlap dunia yang hanya sesaat.

[myworldwords]

Kita (pernah)

Kita (pernah) berteman

Kita (pernah) saling berbagi

Kita (pernah) begitu dekat

Kita (pernah) merangkai mimpi bersama

Kita (pernah) tak terpisahkan

Kita (pernah) menjadi kuat bersama

Kita (pernah) menghargai satu sama lain

Kita (pernah) selalu tolong menolong.

Kita (pernah) 

Dan tak terulang.

[secretruth]

TRY

Jadi aku nyoba2 ngafalin dance feel specialnya twice, chorus nya aja. dan itu susah bgt wkwk

Malu sih, tapi aku pingin ngetest konsistensinya aku. Selama ini aku selalu berhanti ditengah jalan. Aku pingin bisa berjuang ampe akhir. Seengganya ampe bisa dance cover chorusnya aja.

Kira2 butuh waktu 2 minggu

Dan akhirnya aku post dance cover chorus twice feel special

Ga sempurna

Dan masih byk salah

Tapi gapapa yg penting have fun wkwk

Aku share di ig story temen deket. Cewe semua temen dekat ku soalnya aku lagi ga pake hijab juga

Byk yg dm aku, ada yg kaget, kangen, ada yg bilang moodboster juga

Trus aku jadi agak seneng di hari yg membosankan ini

Trus dm doi jadi turun deh ga paling atas yeaayy

Memang aku udh ga berhubungan ama doi lagi. Chat kita awkward gitu. Trus skrg selesai kayaknya.

Kayak doi pdkt tapi ga jadi gitu

Aku berusaha bgt biar gabaper

Yasudah deh

Anyway aku agak bangga ama diriku yg mempelajari dance ini walau butuh effort

Semacam ada sense of achievement nya gitu

Trus menyenangkan aja gitu prosesnya. Mungkin krn gerak jadi kayak olahraga

Just for fun

[serbukkayuu]

R: "Tetanggaku sakit malaria. Kasian banget."

H: "Aku juga sakit tapi kamu gak kasian sama aku."

R: "Sakit apa emang?"

H: "MalaRIZA."

R: (ketawa ngakak dan malu bangett)

Ini anak ngeselin sumpah. Tapi bisa aja bikin senyum senyum sendiri. Semoga akunya gabaper 😏😏

[bookoformon]

Helaman Chapter 4, Part 4. "The Hand of Ba'al."

18 And it came to pass in the sixty and second year of the reign of the judges, that Moronihah could obtain no more possessions over the Lamanites.

19 Therefore they did abandon their design to obtain the remainder of their lands, for so numerous were the Lamanites that it became impossible for the Nephites to obtain more power over them; therefore Moronihah did employ all his armies in maintaining those parts which he had taken.

20 And it came to pass, because of the greatness of the number of the Lamanites the Nephites were in great fear, lest they should be overpowered, and trodden down, and slain, and destroyed.

21 Yea, they began to remember the prophecies of Alma, and also the words of Mosiah; and they saw that they had been a stiffnecked people, and that they had set at naught the commandments of God;

22 And that they had altered and trampled under their feet the laws of Mosiah, or that which the Lord commanded him to give unto the people; and they saw that their laws had become corrupted, and that they had become a wicked people, insomuch that they were wicked even like unto the Lamanites.

23 And because of their iniquity the church had begun to dwindle; and they began to disbelieve in the spirit of prophecy and in the spirit of revelation; and the judgments of God did stare them in the face.

24 And they saw that they had become weak, like unto their brethren, the Lamanites, and that the Spirit of the Lord did no more preserve them; yea, it had withdrawn from them because the Spirit of the Lord doth not dwell in unholy dtemples—

25 Therefore the Lord did cease to preserve them by his miraculous and matchless power, for they had fallen into a state of unbelief and awful wickedness; and they saw that the Lamanites were exceedingly more numerous than they, and except they should cleave unto the Lord their God they must unavoidably perish.

26 For behold, they saw that the strength of the Lamanites was as great as their strength, even man for man. And thus had they fallen into this great transgression; yea, thus had they become weak, because of their transgression, in the space of not many years.

Year Sixty Two has a Value in Gematria of 3120, גא‎באֶפֶס, gabaps.

ga=to abhor

ba=ba'al's

ps=hand

The Laws of Mosiah include the Laws of Moses but the Prophet added the following:

29 And now I say unto you that it was expedient that there should be a law given to the children of Israel, yea, even a very strict law; for they were a stiffnecked people, quick to do iniquity, and slow to remember the Lord their God;

30 Therefore there was a law given them, yea, a law of performances and of ordinances, a law which they were to cobserve strictly from day to day, to keep them in remembrance of God and their duty towards him.

The Laws of Alma are detailed throughout the Book of Alma and include, "do not make weapons", "do not mistreat the poor", "do not take slaves" etc. but all of these require consciousness of the Holy Ghost as if it were a duty.

The opposite of duty to the Holy Ghost is the Hand of Ba'al which reaches out for what does not belong to it, clutches it, and turns all that holy into warped, evil, corrupt, and ugly thing. Pat Robertson and the Family Research Council turned Freedom of Religion into a vehicle of deep prejudice against gay people, for example.

Duty to the Holy Ghost suggests Religious Freedom is something else entirely, the offering of the Sacraments to all human beings without condition, but that is too much to ask of some.

So, "do this in Remembrance of Me", like the Prime Commandment, is inalienable from religious observance if one is to serve God and not the devil.

[s3lfm3dicat3]

so the hydrox and gabapent has been a great combo but tonight i discovered u can snort gabapentin and it’s satisfying bc it gives the drip that tastes similar to coke. like….chemicals lmao

[sajaksesak]

Ko baper terus ya sebenernya siapa yg salah?saran dong ka biar gabaper sama orang

Mulai belajar gak berharap berlebihan sama seseorang.Kepercayaan kadang dibuat jadi mainan.Mendingan percaya dalam hal sewajarnya. Pakai logika juga.Hati-hati.

[auuuuuudrey-blog]

TENTANG MENERIMA

Sepanjang tahun 2017 ini, gue ngerasa banyak belajar banget sih soal menerima.

Menerima, menerima, menerima.

Menerima apa sih?

Mau cerita sedikit, gue tipikal anak yang punya low self esteem sebenarnya.  

Ngerasa kurang, ngerasa ga bagus, ngerasa gaada apa-apanya dibanding orang lain.

Ngerasa kurang pinter, cantik, kurus, atau standar wanita pada umumnya di Indonesia. Ngerasa kurang aja pokoknya.

Ditambah tekanan dari lingkungan yang terkadang menuntut kita harus ini, harus itu, jangan ini, dan jangan itu.

Dulu gue itu anak yang rada gampang kesinggung. Banget.

Mungkin kalo udah kenal deket, gue anaknya emang bercanda banget, ketawaaa mulu. Tapi sebenernya gue suka kesinggung gitu kalo ada temen atau keluarga yang bercandanya udah mulai ke fisik, karna emang pada dasarnya gue gendut fyi, cuma gabisa marah aja karna takut gaenak. Aneh ya? Hahaha.

Hal kaya gitu selalu keulang-ulang. Temen bercanda, gue pura-pura gabaper, dipendem, temen gue taunya gue ga baper, pendem lagi, lama-lama jadi penyakit buat diri sendiri.

Ngerasa kaya gue gaada bagus-bagusnya. Jadi memikirkan yang seharusnya ga gue pikirin. Pikiran juga jadinya negatif terus, buat diri sendiri atau buat orang yang udah ngomong tadi. Jadi mikirnya yang kaya “ah nih orang kemarin ngatain gue kaya gini”.

Mikirin juga kok gue gini? Kenapa ga kaya dia? Kenapa gitu?

atau kaya

Kenapa jerawat ga ilang-ilang? Kenapa susah banget kurus? Kenapa ga putih? Kok ga pinter? Kok susah ngomong sama orang yang dikenal? Kenapa gabisa kaya dia?

Gue juga bingung kenapa dulu gue seperti sangat membutuhkan penilaian yang baik dari orang, dan gue bingung juga kenapa dulu gue mikirin kaya gini tuh bener-bener segitunya. Hahaha.

Sampai gue ke titik dimana kaya, mau sampe kapan?

I learnt to love myself a lot. Menghargai diri sendiri dulu. Baru orang lain. Tulisan ini sebenernya klise banget, tapi orang suka lupa buat mencintai dirinya sendiri. Atau kadang hal itu dianggap ga terlalu penting?  

Gue tidak membenarkan apa yang ada sekarang ini tuh udah bagus, i know im still trying to be better, tapi seenggaknya mindset gue udah berubah. Bukan untuk mendapat penilaian yang baik dari orang lain, atau bukan untuk dilihat baik untuk orang lain, tapi kita ngelakuin itu karena diri sendiri.

Gue percaya sih, ketika lo udah sampai di titik yang ‘‘bodoamat orang mau bilang apa’‘, ya lo bener-bener bodoamat. Dia mau ngomong apagitu, lo ga ambil pusing dan ga dibawa kehati. Dan juga lo gaberusaha membandingkan diri lo sama orang lain. Karna lo dan orang lain itu punya proses yang beda, masalah yang beda, so why are we trying to compare with somebody else?

Accepting yourself juga bukan berarti stuck disitu aja, ga berkembang, tapi seenggaknya respon hati lo udah diubah, lo berusaha menerima apa adanya lo, sambil berusaha juga untuk berkembang. And that’s the beautiful part.

Percayalah, gue juga masih belajar untuk hal ini. Gue kadang masih suka kepikiran untuk mencoba untuk membanding-bandingkan lagi, atau gue suka tiba-tiba baper gajelas kalo temen udah bercanda yang mungkin kelewatan cuma gue juga yang terlalu ambil hati. Tapi gue ngerasa setidaknya im waaay better than my first day. Dan oiya, gue juga belajar banget untuk ga nyinyirin hidup orang lain, belajar untuk ga pusingin apa yang orang pake, atau apapun. And believe me, it feels amazing.

Ya segitu aja post untuk ini. Terimakasih yang udah mau baca. Semoga bisa nangkep sesuatu.

Last..... stay awesome!

[yurahm]

Awa, sahabat, dan seseorang di hatinya...

Awa selalu cepat akrab dengan orang2 sekitarnya, meskipun baru kenal, awa terkadang mendapat space khusus di teman2nya,,, Itulah dia “awa”…. si pendengar keluh kesah mu, bisa menjadi pendongengmu sebelum tidur, teman belanjamu, berantammu, dan menjadi tmpat curahan hatimu dan teman gilakmu,,, Awa memiliki banyak teman dekat, setiap tingkat sekolah dia selalu memiliki sahabat, tk,sd,smp,sma sampai kuliah bahkan teman rumahnya, awa selalu suka berbaur dengan teman2nya, dan orang baru yg ia kenal, tapi awa selalu susah untuk menerima orang lain masuk kehatinya…banyak pertanyaan yg masuk… kehati gimana wa ? Ia lebih dari teman maksudnya… Sahabat wa? Bukan-bukan lebih dari itu… Gimana makaudnya wa ?

Ia maksudkku ��� Orang yg bisa aku percaya, bisa menjadi teman keluh kesahku, taman untuk mencoba hal2 baru di hidupku, teman kalau bersamanya aku merasa aman, ketika sedih melihat senyumnya adalah penenang, teman untuk ku bertengkar, bertukar pendapat, mengadu ego, mengurangi egoku, setelah bertengkar kita sadar kalau kita saling membutuhkan, dan marah adalah tanda sayang kita,,,,kurang lebih seperti itu… Yg pasti dia menyayangiku apapaun keadaanku…

Cari dimana yang kayak gitu wa ?

Pasti ada…

Paket complete wa itumah…!

Ga semuanya harus ada, 5/10 juga gpp…sisahnya biar jadi hal baru untukku kelak untuk mengenal lagi tentang dirinya…kamu jgn lupa aku juga kan bilang “bersamanya mencoba hal2 baru” hal baru itu banyak, pengalaman ku dengannya dan sifatnnya adalah hal baru untukku nanti…

Lagi-lagi…ada pertanyaan kenapa kau lebih sering jatuh cinta, dari pada di cinta…?

Kata siapa?

Kalau dari ceritamu wa, setiap kau cerita orang2 baru yg datang ke hidupmu…

Baik sini ku jelaskan…

Awalnya aku bingung dan gamau dengan hal itu, tapi saat berjalanannya waktu, bertemu orang baru, hati yang baru, aku sadar, cinta bisa di bentuk…

Lalu kalau cinta bisa di bentuk kenapa kau sering mengabaikan orang mencintaimu, dan fokus dengan dia yg kau cinta…

Karena, aku takut jika nnti ku di cintainya, aku tak bisa mencintainya, ku sudah pernah mencoba membuka hati untuk dia yg begitu mencintaiku, di matanya aku lah yg paling indah, di hatinya aku selalu jadi juara, tapi sudah ku coba membuka hati untuknya yg ada hanya rasa ragu ragu ragu…dan aku mengecewakannya yg ada sungkan dan canggung menjadi pembatasku untuk berteman baik dengannya…

Wa mencintai itu lelah…

Jelas!!! Karena mencintai kita harus lebih siap terluka…

Kamu bodoh wa mengabaikan dia yg mencintaimu, harusnya laki2…yg mencinta dan wanita di cinta…

Biar lah aku ingin beriringan dengan dia laki2 ku kelak agar kami bisa saling mencinta… dan tak ada ragu lagi di antara kita…

Kamu gilak wa…

Kan sudah kubilang…“ini aku yg bisa menjadi teman gilakmu”

Wa kenapa kamu susah buka hati…

Percayalah kalau kamu sahabatku, perihal hatiku kamu mungkin mengalku bagaimana…aku bisa berteman dengan banyak orang, menerima orang baru di hidupku, tapi tidak untuk orang yang masuk kehatiku, mengisi hatiku yg ku kosongkan cukup lama…

Wa coba berubah dalam perihal cinta, coba untuk biasa2 saja…

Gabisa, cinta itu anugerah dari tuhan yg luar biasa, yg harus ku jaga, kesetiaan adalah hal penting di dalamnya…

Wa lalu kamu kenapa sering terluka…padahal kamu selalu tulus dalam mencinta, selalu menerima dia yg kau cinta apa adanya, dan masalalunya, entah apapun itu, kau tidak suka membahas hal2 yg kau rasa bisa melukai hatinya, kau selalu mengutamakan dia yg kau cinta kadang kau lupa dan tak sadar kau sedang membuat luka untuk dirimu wa…

Tak apa, Tadi sudah ku jelaskan, ketika jatuh cinta kita harus lebih siap terluka, aku juga tak ingin seperti ini, aku terkadang juga lelah, tapi inilah aku…dengan hal yg berbeda cara yg berbeda, menunjukan cintaku kepada dia, suka di bilang bodoh biarlah kadang cinta memang membuat orang bodoh bukan? Hehehe…hal baru dan pelajaran nya nnti yg membuat ia cerdas kan? 😊

Wa ngejawab mulu kalau dikasih tau, susah bgt si…terserah deh capek kasih taunya…

Hehehe maaf kan kalian tau aku memang orangnya sperti ini, kalian bisa kasih seribu masukan bahkan lebih, tapi aku tidak menelannya mentah2, akan aku saring pelajari lagi sampai matang dan akhirnya menjadi solusi…

Wa satu lagi…kenapa setelah jatuh cinta kau tidak cepat membuka hati…

Nanya mulu…kan sudah ku bilang, aku bisa dekat dengan bnyak orang, tapi soal hati aku org yg paling susah untuk membukanya lagi…kalau ku jatuh cinta dengan laki-laki itu berarti kesan pertama nya di hidupku baik, aku tak tau tapi yg aku sadar ketika aku jatub cinta, aku sllu merasa dia laki-laki yang baik… Untuk hal membuka hati yg lama, itu karena, aku selalu memastikan ketika aku jatuh cinta lagi nnti, hatiku tidak untuk dia yg kelam, dan tidak lagi membandingkan dan membayangkan dia yg kelam, biar masalalu ku menjadi milikku dan jdi kisahku dan masa depanku kelak menjadi milik kami…

Teman2 cowok mu banyak wa? Jaga perasaan biar mereka gabaper gimana?

Hmmm inimah bukan terakhir dong nanyanya, ia kalau tmn laki2 yg dekat bisa di hitung jari, kalau dia kurasa tidak ada perasaan dan tipikal laki2 setia, aku sih oke berteman dengannya, karena aku pastikan dlu ketika bersamanya dia menjadi teman baikku…tidak lebih dari itu,,,

Wa wa wa…kamu jatuh cinta sama siapa sekarang?

Mmmmmmmmmm dia si aneh, aku baru kali ini menemui orang sperti ini, untukku dia unik…walaupun menyebalkan menjadi sifat utamanya hehehe tapi gpp kadang itu yg membuat ku rindu…

Aneh kamu waaa….

Berarti kamu benar teman dekat ku karena kamu sudah menyebutkan kata2 itu…

-AWA-

[mxbees]

Didn’t I say in one of my previous posts before resuming nortriptyline that I’d try and figure out how to keep writing despite my drug-numbed creativity? I think I did. If not a post, then at least I tried to make that committment to myself.

Yet… here I am almost a week later and I haven’t written anything. Worse yet, I haven’t even thought of writing anything. And, again, in other respects I’m more productive and functional than I am without this particular drug. I clean! I cook! I can focus at work!

I saw my doctor last week. While it was for HRT/hormone related business, we ended up tweaking my headache meds to.

The short of it: I’m quitting HRT for now. Main reason: my insurance won’t cover anymore patches and I don’t want to go back to injections and pills are not advisable bc of my fatty liver. So I’m off of spiro (and back onto finesteride to ensure that I keep all my hair). Of course… my insurance doesn’t cover finesteride so I have to pay out of pocket for that. Which sucks and I could probably fight with my insurance company over it, I just…. don’t have the energy. Especially not when I (for the first time in many years) can actually afford to pay for it (no abusing my ‘begging for money’ privilege!).

I’m currently wearing my last patch now. So. Come wednesday, we are going to see a resurgence of testosterone to my system. That’ll be interesting. I really really hope that I don’t break out. My skin has been so much clearer on estrogen than T. Its one of my favourite things. Then again… I’ll be back to having easy orgasms and that’s cool. It’ll also be a test to see how my body hair is after all the lasering I’ve done. Mood-wise, I don’t expect it to be all that different. I didn’t mark a real difference with estrogen.

Anyway. I told my doctor that gabapentin wasn’t doing much so I’d started nortriptyline again. He said, “why not both?” (insert gif of those guys from el dorado). So he up’ed my dose of gabapenting to 300mg. So for headaches, I’m taking 300mg of gabapenting three times a day (bleh) and 75mg of nortriptyline. I think by tomorrow I’ll be on the maximum so we’ll see how my headaches are then.

So far… I’ve had a headache pretty much every single day.

Honestly? I think a part of me wants them not to work so I can simply take fewer medications. The list I’m using right now seems absurd. Here’s the list:

Fluvoxamine 100mg/day

Bupropion xl 300mg/day

Lorazepam SL 0.5mg (as needed)

Fenofibrate 145mg/day

nortriptyline 75mg/day

gabapentin 3x300mg/day

Cetirizine 10mg/day

Ranitidine 75mg/day

finesteride 1mg/day

Pataday (as needed)

Omnaris (daily)

If the headache meds don’t work, I can cut two out (I’m hoping that increasing my ssri dosage might yeild the same result as nortriptyline). But it really looks like I’m aiming for better living through chemistry. Lol.

I’m going to try a month on this regiment and see how it goes. If no real change to headaches (or the change isn’t substantive enough) I might just elect to deal with the pain.