#fyi writing the ending to this made me sad for like four hours

[markcampbells]

It isn't that he doesn't know Wolfwood has it in him. He'd grasped quickly enough that whatever their differences, Wolfwood's heart was… he wouldn't exactly call it in the right place, but it was at least not as far gone as the other man seemed to think. It's Wolfwood being so good with kids that throws him. At a busy inn, a bewildered Vash gets a glimpse of a different side of Wolfwood as he entertains the harried innkeeper's child. (Vashwood Week 2024, Day One: Childhood)

Hello hello, Vashwood nation! My fic for Day One of @vashwood-week is up and I would so appreciate folks checking it out if they're so inclined! Featuring Wolfwood being great with kids and Vash being absolutely fascinated by this, really having a "hope this doesn't awaken anything in me" moment. (Those hopes are dashed immediately, of course.)

Thanks to the organizers of Vashwood Week for putting the event on! I will be back with more tomorrow and hopefully other days this week as well! And thanks to @trigunfanfic for remaining active and giving us fic writers a place to promote our work. 💙

[greekowl87]

Fic: Embracing Parenthood 5/?

 Get caught up: (1) | (2) | (3) (4) or AO3

A/N: I’ve been writing while trying to figure out my depression but it’s not as much as I would like. I finally got this done and have two other things I am working on. Looking at episodes 4-D and Lord of the Flies, I decided to consolidate this chapter and do a focus on “Lord of the Flies”. I’m still not 100% on the direction this will be taking. I borrowed lines from the episode so, just an fyi. I used the transcript from Inside the X. Bit of light smut at the end.

Tagging @baronessblixen @suitablyaggrieved @today-in-fic @improlificinsarcasm

After a few more months, they seemed to finally be hitting their stride. This new...whatever it was...took some getting used to for Mulder and Scully. Aside from the one time they caught William’s mobile spinning under its own accord, they had not caught anything else. Scully was fine with this and shut down any attempt Mulder made to bring it up. She kept telling herself that their son was just fine and normal like any other baby. After a couple of weeks, Mulder gave up. It became an unspoken agreement between them. Aside from this, things at the academy and x-files remained quiet.

Agent Reyes settled in an apartment in Foggy Bottom. A few x-files have been solved. Despite Agent Reyes’s claim of an interdimensional serial killer nearly ending his life, Doggett was still alive. Mulder and Scully settled into their teaching roles at the academy, William was growing in size, and they both were beginning to believe that they were getting that happy ending that they both deserved.

On a regular Wednesday afternoon, as Mulder graded quizzes in his office, he heard a light knocking at the door. “Come in,” he called looking up from his desks.

Scully smiled at him. “How’s the grading, Agent Mulder?”

“I want to know your secret,” he confessed. He held out his hand, offering a chair across from him. She surprised him instead by taking his hand, squeezing it, and kissed him deeply. “Well, hello to you too.”

“I like this, Scully.”

“I’m glad. I have to go to New Jersey though. Agents Doggett and Reyes need my medical opinion about a matter.”

“Do you need me to tag along?”

She didn’t answer his question. She sat in the chair across from him. “Teaching suits you, Mulder. Are you happy?”

“I can do without the grading,” he confided. “So, back to the case? Is this what...for an afternoon?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“Maybe. I’m sure it’s fairly straightforward. A teenager was found with half of the head collapsed in, and many flies came swarming out.”

“Flies? Is this a case of Lord of the Flies? Or Jeff Goldum’s The Fly?”

“Thankfully not. I just suspect something weird. However, I need to travel to New Jersey to lend a helping hand.”

“You never answered my question. Do you need me to tag along?”

“No. I’ve already called my mother to let her know. I’m taking a car from the pool and I’ll be stopping by the apartment before making my way to New Jersey.”

Mulder shifted uncomfortably in his chair. The suddenness of this news made him feel very uncomfortable. He did not have much time to sort through these new feelings as Scully continued. “It’s a three-hour drive from Washington. I’ll be spending the night up there. I should be back in a day or two.”

Mulder cleared his throat. “Just like that?”

She titled her head. “Why? Is there something wrong with it?”

“No,” he lied. He fiddled with the pen in front of him, rolling it back and forth on his desk. “I’ll pick up William from your mother.”

“It’s only for 48 hours,” she said.

“It’s not a big deal, Scully. Do you not have faith in me taking care of William?”

“I didn’t say that but you are pouting.”

“I’m not pouting. Look, I probably need a guy’s night anyway.”

“The Gunmen?” She asked.

“I was just thinking about me, Will, and Plan 9 From Outer Space. You know a guy’s night.”

“Maybe pick a less depressing film?”

“We’ll be fine, mom. Promise.” Scully arched her eyebrow, clearly unconvinced. “Promise, Scully. Nothing will go wrong.”

Her cellphone started to ring and she sighed, looking at the caller ID. “It’s Agent Doggett,” she sighed. She got up from her chair and hastily kissed his cheek as she left. “I’ll call you when I get there. Love you.”

“Love you too.” He replied, watching her retreating form.

As the emotions welled in his chest. Mulder pushed the rest of the ungraded quizzes to the side and began to search for movies. As a psychologist, he knew pushing his emotions aside and burying them was unhealthy. He and Scully spent seven years doing that. Unfortunately, he was no longer a bachelor and had a baby to worry about as well.

* * * * * * 

Traffic was a beast in driving the length of I-95 to Quantico to drive the hour to Annapolis to Marget Scully’s house. Two accidents just added to Mulder’s sour mood. As he sat in traffic, he tried to distract himself by switching it to NPR and ultimately switched it off. As traffic inched towards Maryland, he finally identified and named just a few of the emotions that were swirling in his chest. Jealousy. Feelings of inadequacy. Sadness. 

He sighed, finally sighting the exit to Mrs. Scully’s and signaled the right turn signal. As he pulled off, he was bitterly reminded of the initial shock and awe he felt coming back from the dead. He struggled to find this place in a Twilight Zone-like universe where he no longer had the x-files and had Scully seven months pregnant. They struggled to find their footing. Mulder remembered feeling left out and bitter that Scully had a new partner in Doggett. He didn’t necessarily dislike this man. He was a good agent, just like Scully had said, but he was the one investigating x-files with Scully. Mulder wasn’t. He didn’t mind Agent Reyes either. He liked her and thought her addition to the x-files office in place of Scully would help balance the skeptical Doggett. But that didn’t stop him from feeling jealous and left out.

As he slowed, pulling into a residential neighborhood, he saw Mrs. Scully’s white sedan in the driveway and the lights throughout the house. He jogged up the front steps and raised his hand to knock. Mrs. Scully opened the door before his knuckles could rap against the wood. “Fox, I’m glad to see you weren’t caught up in traffic too badly!”

“I still hit a couple of accidents, Mrs. Scully.” He forced a smile. “Were you expecting someone?”

“What? Oh, no! I saw your headlights in the driveway. Come in! I was just about to pull out dinner.”

“I couldn’t…” he stammered out of instinct.

“Nonsense. Besides, William will be very happy to see you.”

Oh yeah, he thought, I’m a father. “You need to get past the formalities, Fox. Don’t you think Maggie will do? You are the father to my grandson after all.” Mrs. Scully was already pulling on his hand, tugging him inside before he could put up a fight. “Besides, as much as I love my daughter, Dana does not know how to cook.”

“Actually, she’s quite good,” Mulder defended.

Mrs. Scully chuckled to herself. “What I meant is she doesn’t know how to cook for a family. I raised four children by myself for the most part when the Captain was at sea. Now that William is here, I’m not going to dismiss the possibility. Take off your shoes, Fox.”

Mulder slid off his polished Oxford shoes and loosened his tie. “The possibility of what?”

Maggie stopped and smiled. “Of what could be. Come on. I bet William will be excited to see you.”

Mulder followed Mrs. Scully into the kitchen and saw his son light up. William began to babble happily and stretch his arms for his father. He smiled and bent down to kiss his forehead. “I think he is going to have Scully’s eyes.”

“They might still turn brown. I don’t know, Fox. I think William is beginning to look like you. Have a seat. Do you want a beer with dinner?”

“Water would be fine.”

Mulder sat closest to William as Mrs. Scully served them. “William was fine today,” she said. “Dana called and let me know. If it is more convenient, I can come to Georgetown and watch William tomorrow if you want.”

Mulder nodded and replied, “I would appreciate that. I wish I could simply take the time off.”

Mrs. Scully played with her shepherd’s pie. And how are you feeling, Fox with Dana in New Jersey and you here?”

He was caught off guard with the question. “What do you mean?”

“Seven years you two were practically glued together. She would always answer your calls. Now you’re here and she's out in the field.” She paused. “I know you two had some difficulties when you came back.”

He chuckled hollowly. “Not every day you come back from the dead.”

“Exactly. She was alone for six months.”

“I didn’t leave her intentionally,” he defended quietly.

“I’m not saying that you did. I’m not my oldest son, Fox.”

“I’m that bad?”

“Worse than Dana,” she chuckled. “I know what it’s like to feel left behind and on the sidelines. I imagine you felt some sort of jealousy with Agent Doggett when you first met him?”

“I, uh, punched him in the jaw.”

Mrs. Scully nodded. “Dana mentioned something about that. The point is, Fox, I know what is like feeling out of the loop when your partner is out doing something. I felt the same way when Bill was out to sea and I was left to raise four kids of my own. He would joke that I was the admiral in the family.” She gave a small smile. “And you find yourself in a similar situation.”

“I guess so,” he whispered.  He pushed his food around. “Even though we’re both teaching at the academy, it doesn’t feel the same.”

“You could always propose.”

William squealed eagerly and threw something across the table making Mulder jump. “Excuse me?”

Mrs. Scully shrugged. “I just figured after 8 years, a child, and sharing an apartment...it’s time you make it permanent, Fox.”

“I…”

She held up her hand. “You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it. In the meantime, are you sure I can’t get you anything else right now?”

“Yeah,” he stammered. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

As it neared 8 o’clock, Mulder gathered his son and Mrs. Scully piled leftovers into a brown grocery bag to walk him out. “I’ll be up by 10 tomorrow. What time will you be home?”

“About six,” he replied, shifting William in his arms. “Scully said she might be home by tomorrow.”

“Well, I’ll set one extra place at the table.”

Mulder, still feeling insecure, interrupted. “You don’t have to, Mrs. Scully. I can take care of William. I don’t want to trouble you.”

“Nonsense,” she dismissed. “I love seeing my grandson.” She kissed Mulder’s cheek goodbye. “And I don’t do these things because I pity you or think you unworthy of Dana, Fox. I do it out of love for you and William. Now, I’ll see you tomorrow!”

As the door closed behind him and Mulder tucked William into his car seat, his thoughts became distracted yet again. Scully did need him, right? He hadn’t brushed aside. And what did Mrs. Scully insinuate with their dinner conversation?

* * * * * *

A few states away in Manahawkin, New Jersey, Scully retired from examining the half-collapsed head of “Captain Dare” and the persistent flirting of Dr. Rocky Bronzino earlier than she anticipated. She politely declined the dinner invitation from Agents Doggett and Reyes as well. She found her attention drifting towards various journal articles about the Spanish fly and their mating rituals. After a few hours, Scully abandoned her research. 

She tried to take a bath and felt distracted. Her mind couldn’t wrap itself around the facts of the case. As she dressed for bed, she sleepily looked at the motel clock and saw it was nine o’clock. How could she have let time get away from her? Without a second thought, she found her cell and called the apartment’s landline. When there was no answer, she quickly called Mulder’s cell phone. He answered the third thing.

“Mulder,” he greeted automatically.

She could hear him hiding a yawn in his voice. “Mulder, it’s me,” she spoke softly. “Did I catch you at a bad moment?”

“No,” he sighed. “I just put William to bed. A late bath, a lot of crying, and a partially read bedtime story and he is down for the count. He misses you terribly.”

“I bet,” she said. Scully shifted the files around. “And what about you?”

“What about me?” He yawned again.

“How are you?”

“Tired,” he admitted simply. “And very much missing you. Your bed is too big without you. But never mind me. Tell me about the case?”

“I am dealing with a human head half-collapsed in with flies exploding it before I arrived. Agents Doggett and Reyes are chasing down a teenager suspect.”

“Oh,” he hummed. “Bugs. Is this like those teenagers from Pittsfield, Virginia, Scully?”

“Not at all,” she said. “I’m not entirely sure if this is an x-file yet. I mean it has bugs. It’s all about the bugs, Mulder.”

“Washington state. One of our first cases.” 

“Well, no one has been found cocooned in the web.”

“Yet.”

“Yet,” she repeated. Scully sighed and looked at the empty side of the motel bed. “I should be done by tomorrow evening. Hey, we have the weekend at least. One perk of teaching at the academy: normal 9-5 jobs.”

“Unless you get called away on another case.” Scully could hear a hint of bitterness in his voice. “But yeah, I’ll look forward to it.”

“Mulder, are you okay?”

She could hear the phone shifting on his end. “Hm? Yeah. I was just getting the blankets pulled down. I thought about putting William in the bassinet but I guess he needs to learn about sleeping in his room.”

Scully groaned inwardly. “You’re not helping,” she told him.

“What did I do?”

There was a weariness in his voice she could not place. “Mulder, what’s wrong? What aren’t you telling me?”

“Nothing, nothing. Everything is okay. I’m handling it just fine.” 

She heard his voice rise defensively and the baby crying in the background. “Look, Scully. I’m going to check on William. I’ll talk to you later okay?”

“Okay but…” Mulder hung up the phone before Scully had a chance to reply. “Great.”

Scully looked back at the clock, wondering if she should call her partner back. She felt hurt about the shortness in her voice. What had happened? Did her mother say something to Mulder? Did she do something? Did something else happen to William that he wasn’t telling her? In the end, she decided not to call him back lest she wake the baby again and cause Mulder to lose any sleep. As she settled in the motel bed, she turned onto her side and swept her arm up and down the empty side. She missed being away from him and their son.

Three hours away in Georgetown, Mulder, unable to sleep found himself on the couch in front of the television. William held contently against his chest. William sleepily watched his father as Mulder settled on TCM for a black and white horror film. A small gurgling brought Mulder’s attention back to his son. “We’ll just keep daddy sleeping on the couch a secret from mom,” he said. 

William yawned and twisted his head towards Mulder’s chest. “Well, the important thing is that you’re comfortable,” Mulder continued. “You’re just like your mother; she can sleep anywhere too. I think her favorite place is to fall asleep on me.”

He shifted his attention back to the television and then back at his son. “I can’t help but feel forgotten,” he confessed to William. “I mean, your mom was all by herself when she found out she was pregnant with you and I was abducted. She got a new partner.” Mulder thought of Doggett’s straight-laced demeanor. “He is just the opposite of what I expected. And of course, I am jealous of him. He was the one watching Scully’s back because I ran off to chase down a damn UFO. Look at what that got me, Will. Six feet under.” He looked down at his son. “Does that make me a bad person?”

William met him with silence. 

“Well, I value your opinion so don’t hold back,” he told the baby. More silence except for a sleepy blink. “I think that is why I was so distant tonight. I’m jealous. I’m upset. I feel left behind.” Mulder watched his son grow sleepier. He had Scully’s blue eyes. “I feel like she’s moved on without me. I have since I came back. Even with you and all your glory, bud, I still feel inadequate.” William grabbed a fistful of Mulder’s t-shirt as his eyes grew heavier. “Are you trying to reassure me?” Mulder chuckled slightly. “I wish I could tell Scully how I felt.”

One day, he promised himself. As William drifted off to sleep, Mulder found himself wide awake still, his thoughts going to Scully and the bitterness he felt over the fact she was out in the field and he felt left behind.

* * * * *

Back in New Jersey,  Scully left the motel to head straight to the medical examiner’s office. Agents Doggett and Reyes had texted her that they were going to follow up with some matters at the high school before meeting her at the medical examiner. On her way there, Scully tried to call Mulder again first at his office and then his cell. This was the second time since last night that he hadn’t answered his phone. Trying to dismiss the growing insecurities into the back of her mind, she tried to focus on the case instead. As Scully strolled into the main medical lab, it was much to her dismay that Dr. Bronzino was waiting for her.

“Dr. Scully,” the overly tanned scientist greeted. “How are you this fine morning?”

“Well,” she greeted with some reserve. “Have Agents Doggett and Reyes arrived yet?”

“Not at all! But I’ve been examining the flies that exploded from that young man’s skull. It’s quite fascinating really. Being a forensic pathologist, you might find this particularly interesting. Have you ever heard of the coffins fly?”

Scully took a step back and forced a smile. “I can’t say I have.”

“Well, they’re amazing creatures. A female coffin fly has been known to bury its way through over two meters of dirt just to lay its eggs on the cadaver. That is the equivalent of a human digging two miles into the ground.” He flashed her a dazzling smile of whitened teeth. “Isn’t it amazing of the lengths one will go to procreate?”

“Fascinating,” she replied quickly, “but what does this have to do with the victim?”

“Oh,” the entomologist exclaimed, “all the flies that came for the young victim’s head were female. There is probably nothing to it but isn't it fascinating?”

Scully’s mind was already firing and meaning connections. “It is. And it could be nothing or it could mean everything. Did you set any aside for the examination?”

Dr. Bronzino waved to the other end of the room where the microscope was. “I was going to prepare some samples to examine.”

She moved towards the microscope. “Why don’t I start on that and you do whatever it is that you are doing, Dr. Bronzino”

“Excellent suggestion, Dr. Scully! Divide and conquer! I like the sound of that!”

“I’m sure,” she answered. 

“Which reminds me. I’m going to run back to my lab real quickly to gather another instrument of my invention. I’ll be back.”

“I’ll be here,” she said.

Scully was secretly glad to see him retreat as she set to work. She laid out her research of flies that she had started the night before and her morning coffee. She paused, trying to collect her thoughts before she delved into the day’s work, however, she couldn’t. Her thoughts kept going back to the abrupt conversation that she had with Mulder the night before. He sounded distant and aloof. She was reminded of his jealousy when he came back from the dead. She found her phone and dialed his office at Quantico. At nine a.m., he should have been strolling right then. However, it went straight to messages. She hung up before she could leave one. Growing disgruntled, Scully called the Georgetown apartment. To her surprise, it was her mother that answered.

“Hello?” Her mother answered.

“Hi, mom,” she greeted quickly. “What are you doing at the apartment?”

“Oh, I thought I would save Fox driving to drop off William with me this morning,” she said. “One less hassle to do. I also picked you and Fox up some groceries that you desperately needed.”

“We were fine,” she said. “Where is Mulder? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” her mom replied vaguely. “I found him sleeping on the couch last night with the tv on. William must have kept him up all night.”

She felt a twinge of regret twist her heart. “Is he okay?”

“I guess so. He seemed fine and left for the office with no issue. Why? Is there something that I should be aware of?”

“No, no,” Scully said. She pushed the thoughts of insecurity deep down. Now was not the time. “He seemed distracted last night. We only chatted briefly. Is William okay?”

“He’s a fat, happy baby who can sleep through anything. Just like you were. I’m here until Fox comes home if you need anything. Do you want me to tell Fox that you called?”

“No, no. Everything’s fine.”

Her mother was silent on the other end. “Well, if you do need anything, Dana, I’m here with William. Love you.”

“Love you too, mom.”

She hung up her phone and tried to ignore the new signs that taunted her. Nothing was fine except she was not going to say anything. Scully sat at the microscope and began to work.

A couple of hours later, Dr. Rocky Bronzino rejoined her with a crude-looking invention to he promised to give a giant break in the case. She half-listened to ramble on about the various mating rituals of insects until she noticed a pattern emerging with the insects. It took Bronzino to confirm her suspicions and identify the peculiar fact about the case. As she continued to examine the flys, at a quarter till noon, Agents Reyes and Doggett walked in. Scully looked at both of them and announced, “I’m glad you’re here. I think we just got our first real break in the case.”

“What did you find?” Reyes asked.

“Well, it's what the entomologist Rocky Bronzino found. The flies that ate at the brain and skull of the victim are all female. Every last one of them.” Scully motioned to a fly under the microscope as she spoke. 

Doggett looked towards Monica Reyes and asked, “Exactly how is that a break”

Scully thought for a moment and answered, “Well, what are the chances of that?”

Agent Reyes clarified, “You mean that the absence of males suggests there's a reason for the attack. Behaviourally.”

“Well, something biological is going on. Whether it's hormonal or chemical something has caused these bugs to attack,” Scully theorized.

Doggett added, “Or a need to express themselves.”

Scully asked, “To what?”

Agent Doggett continued, “This is a kid that calls himself "Sky Commander Winky." Agent Reyes and I were interviewing him as a suspect when this happened.” He showed photos of the victim’s back were the words ‘DUMB ASS’ shined a bright, red welt. “The paramedics arrived and treated him for an aggressive attack of bodily lice.”

She took the photos to examine them closer. “Hmm. Lice are not altogether uncommon in a school environment.”

Doggett snorted. “Except that these are better spellers than most of the kids.”

“Maybe they stayed late for after-school lessons,” she snorted. “So what are you saying? That this is just another dumb ass stunt?”

Reyes interjected, “Well, that was my first thought. But the victim here was just too freaked out by this incident to make me believe he'd staged this. Which leads me to think that while you may be right about this being a matter of biology, someone is directing the biology.”  She paused. “Maybe you might want to consult Mulder?”

“Why?” Doggett asked. “These are bugs we are talking about.”

“And how does one direct bugs?” She added.

Reyes shrugged and replied, “I don't know how but we've been running down a long list of witnesses.” She passed Scully the rest of the photographs. “A loner who was present at every dumb ass stunt and who had a run-in with this kid Winky at school just prior to the lice attacking. His name is Dylan Lokensgard. We're going to want to talk to him.”

“He seems like a promising start,” Scully replied. “Dr. Bronzino should be back soon. He promised to bring a piece of equipment that will help break the case.”

“We’ll be back then. Call us if you have anything. Let’s head back, Monica.”

“I’ll call you when I have something,” Scully replied.

She watched the two agents retreating. She glanced at the clock on the wall and did the math in her head. She probably wasn’t going to be home that evening that she had promised.

* * * * * *

Having Mrs. Scully watch William in Georgetown instead of Maryland was a bigger relief than Mulder had realized. Although he hit traffic on the way to Quantico, the extra hour of not driving had put him in a somewhat fairer mood. However, as the morning dragged on and he did not hear anything from Scully began to sour his fair mood. By lunch, he was mad. Well not mad, but pouting and being gloomy. If Scully were here, she would have chewed him out and told him to pull his head out of his ass. But that was just it. Scully wasn’t here to do that.

As noon droned on, Mulder heard a light knocking at his door and looked up with some surprise to see A.D. Skinner standing in the doorway. “Wow, Mulder. Even having an office out of the basement and looking depressed as hell.”

“And it’s good to see you too, sir.” Mulder rose to greet the man and offered his hand. “I suspect you did not come down to comment on my office.”

“No.” Skinner paused. “I had a meeting I needed to attend. I wanted to check in on you and see how things were. You know, just to see if you threaten to burn down the establishment yet.”

“Haha,” Mulder said lamely. “No. Things are normal. Just perfectly normal.”

“And you are a terrible liar. Why don’t you come to lunch, Mulder? Get your head out of your ass and get some fresh air.”

“I’m fine where I am,” he said.

“And I know you well enough to know when you’re lying. You’re jealous aren’t you?”

“About what?”

“I know Scully’s out in the field,” Skinner stated, “and you’re not.”

“Way to rub it in.” Mulder glanced at his computer clock and relented. “Fine, fine. It isn’t like I have anything else to do today.”

“Good. You could use the distraction.”

. . . . . . 

Back in New Jersey, Doggett and Reyes were still canvassing the school looking for more witnesses, Scully found herself out in the streets with the brazen etymologist, Dr. Rocky Bronzino. His continued efforts of flirting with her wearing down on her last nerves. She surveyed the empty street and how idyllic it reminded her. Dr. Bronzino focused on the tool he had brought from his lap that was designed to help them. He took a step back from the tracker to examine the surroundings.

“So many flowers ... so little time,” he murmured

Scully looked up from the trunk of the Land Rover. “Excuse me?”

The etymologist stated excitedly. “Pheromones, Dr. Scully. Heavy in the air. Nature's natural attractions. Driving the insect world to go forth and pollinate.”

As Dr. Bronzino began to advance on her, she took a few steps back. She shifted her gaze to the device he had brought with him. “I'm aware of how pheromones work. But according to this device, there isn't a single pheromone to be found out here.”

He began to tweak his machine and Scully rolled her eyes, looking back up to the sky. She smirked, remembering the time she was with Mulder when frogs rained from the sky. Dr. Bronzino was growing frustrated. “Well, that can't be right. The biosensor uses an actual fly antenna over which the pheromones pass. But I modified the EAG to measure in picograms which makes it sensitive to traces a mile in any direction.”

Scully watched an overly casual Rocky lean against the car, a confident hand on his hip, as he tried to charm her. Scully tried to remain professional and keep them on track. “But I'm still not sure why you think that pheromones might cause an otherwise harmless fly to attack a human so violently, Doctor…”

“Rocky,” he corrected. His whitened teeth shined as brightly as he flirted with her.

“Rocky,” she repeated 

He smiled, thinking his charm was working. “Bugs are small-minded creatures, and therefore very predictable. They don't have moods. They react to circumstance and stimuli as they have been doing for millennia.”

“How wonderful.” She tried to keep it professional. “So what do you suppose they're reacting to out here?”

Dr. Bronzino puffed out his chest like a mating dove and took a few steps forward. “It may be the bugs are being somehow driven crazy with desire. You know, they say we humans respond to pheromones, too.”

Scully put her hands on her hips, clearly uncomfortable. “Yeah, I tend to agree with that, yeah.”

Rocky pressed on. “‘Women's dormitory syndrome.’ It's believed that pheromones are the reason that women who live together share the same menstrual cycle.” 

“Fascinating,” she deadpanned.

Dr. Bronzino felt emboldened. “You know, when a male and female calliphorid fly mate they stay joined for up to one and a half hours. One and a half, doctor.” He punctuated the last few words for emphasis. “What do you think of that?”

Scully stood unfazed. This was not the first time she had to deal with this, however, this time was different. “You know, Rocky ... I'm a mother.”

He arched an eyebrow, not dissuaded. He looked at her left hand. “Mothers are women, too.” He took a moment to look at Scully surveying her. “I noticed a lack of a ring. And what does it matters? Women have biological needs, just like men do.”

“You are drawing dangerous conclusions without lack of evidence, doctor.”

“Well, as a trained scientist, I observe you are a woman. There is no ring on your finger to denote a marriage or a serious relationship in what we consider legally.”

“I can assure you that I am very serious. I am in a committed, nine-year relationship with the baby’s father.”

“Well, he is not here. You are.”

“Doesn’t matter, Rocky. Let’s keep focused here, please.”

“Well, relationships aren’t known to be monogamous,” he countered. 

“Seahorses, macaroni penguins, gray wolves, barn owls, and bald eagles,” she said.

“What do those animals have to do with relationships?”

“If you were a real scientist,” she pressed, “you would be aware of some of the animal species that are known to mate for life. There are some cracks in your argument. ”

“Well, there are numerous insects that perform a variety of mating rituals. Give it time, Dr. Scully and I’ll win you over.” She was about to reply but was interrupted by the beeping of the pheromone bio-sensor. Dr. Bronzino turned excitedly to the machine. “Big hit!”

“What is it?”

“A high concentration of c-13 calliphorone...incoming.” He looked up at the sky. Scully did the same and heard the beeping increase and then suddenly dissipate. “What? What happened?” He quickly went to check his machine.

“Nothing, apparently,” Scully commented drily. “We should get back to the lab. Agents Doggett and Reyes might have something for us there.”

“Are we going to continue our discussion of animal mating and ritual habits?” He asked, his voice heavily laced with innuendo.

“As far as I’m concerned, it’s done.”

“Dr. Scully, are you blushing? As the great Charles Darwin once said, ‘Blushing is the most peculiar and most human of all expressions.’”

“Don’t make me shoot you,” she sighed.

“I consider it a challenge.”

. . . . . .

“How do you like teaching at the academy,” Skinner asked. He watched Mulder use his plastic fork to push the mac and cheese around on his plate. “Mulder?”

“Um, interesting. A lot better than having to deal with the profiling cases in VCU even though I’m sure I will come calling. That’s part of the deal with teaching? We help out and consult as needed.”

“Are you that bitter that Scully is on an x-file and you’re not,” he asked.

“Am I that obvious?” Mulder asked.

“I’ve had hemorrhoids that weren’t as annoying with you,” he replied. “Or is it the fact that you don’t have the x-files anymore?”

The bluntness of Skinner’s observations caught Mulder off guard. He looked up from his food and took a few moments to reflect. “In theory, I shouldn’t. I have Scully and our son, things are about as normal as we can make them. But I can’t help but feel connected to them in some way. Seeing Scully out in the field, me not there…” He shrugged. “It brings up a lot of baggage.”

“Especially with Doggett?”

Mulder was quiet. “I blame myself. I should have stayed with her instead of chasing UFOs.”

“Doggett’s a good agent, Mulder. It was hard watching her, Mulder, during those months she was gone. Having to keep her pregnancy a secret. It was tough.” Skinner took a napkin and wiped his mouth. “You know, Sharon used to get mad at me when we first got married. I was still a field agent but the jealousy she would get. She felt inadequate with everything that was going on between us. Said she felt left behind.”

Well, Mulder thought, certainly hitting everything on the topic. Skinner continued to stare at Mulder. “And?” he asked. “What did Sharon do?”

“Well, we had a real nasty fight that was the start of our quarrels at the very beginning of our quarrels. I was in the field, missed an important date, you know how it goes.” He smiled to himself, remembering her. He thumbed at the wedding band thoughtfully. “But we made time. Communication wise. It didn’t always go well but we tried.”

“So, in addition to being an assistant director, you are secretly a marriage counselor. Wow, sir.”

“Knock it off, Mulder. All I am saying is that something is bothering you about this...arrangement, then make sure you take the time to talk to Scully.”

Mulder nodded. He decided to change the subject. “So, how is our old buddy Kersh?”

Skinner chuckled. “Tap dancing his way on the top floor so that you’re no longer there to bother him.”

“Well, at least some things never change,” he answered. “My advice, Mulder, from one man who tried to balance a career and relationship? Make sure you always leave time to talk and communicate. If not, the whole thing can go to shit.”

“Thanks, sir,” he nodded. His mind drifted to Scully. “I appreciate the advice. You should come down to Quantico more often. Skinner’s Lunch Hour wisdom.”

“Knock it off, Mulder,” he dismissed.

. . . . . . . 

After getting John’s call from the school, Scully took her car to investigate and meet them there. According to Monica, Dylan had somehow controlled the bugs during their confrontation. She was surprised by the number of cops, firefighters, and EMTs. She was even surprised to see people in hazmat suits. But to her surprise, Monica had found them a clue.  A used tissue.  They rode back to the medical examiner. As they rode the elevator to the second floor. Scully was the first to emerge carrying the tissue in a metal container with Doggett and Reyes flanking her. “Where did you get this again?” She asked.

“Dylan Lokensgard provided it to us when we interviewed him,” Doggett answered.

“I have to warn you, there's typically not a lot to be found in a teenage boy's sweaty kleenex.”

“Well, a teenage boy can produce other things,” Reyes replied.

“Don’t remind me of the future,” Scully laughed thinking of William.

“But we were looking for pheromones. Aren't there pheromones produced in adolescent sweat?” Reyes continued.

“Yes, it's what causes B.O., But all too obviously it's not all that attractive--to anything,” Scully countered. “While I was out with Dr. Bronzino this morning, we thought we had a possible hit this morning but it turned out to be nothing.”

“A possible hit?” Doggett asked.

“Well, Dr. Bronzino was more than trying to hit on pheromones.”

“Well, at least Mulder isn’t here to punch him in the face,” Doggett chuckled. 

“Yeah,” she said distantly. Scully’s brief thought of Mulder drifted away as she entered into the medical examiner’s office where Dr. Bronzino was bent over a microscope. She still needed to call him. The lack of communication between them was growing. “Let’s see what we uncover.”

As they entered, the biosensor’s beeps became progressively faster, startling the etymologist grew excited. “Finally! I knew it wasn’t broken!” He glanced up seeing Scully, Doggett, and Reyes. “Dr. Scully, I’m so glad you’re back! I've got a reading here that's going right off the scale. Holy Toledo! We've got pheromones coming out of the ying-yang here. C-13 calliphorene and how.”

As they got closer, the beeping became a steady tone, and then suddenly stopped. Doggett raised an eyebrow. “What happened?”

“I think my electroantennogram just... tilted,” Bronzino spoke in disbelief.

“What's c-13 calliphorone?” Reyes asked.

“Insect pheromone,” Scully supplied.

Dr. Bronzino’s attention shifted to the sample the FBI agents had brought. “Where did you find this mother lode?”

Agent Reyes answered, “A boy named Dylan Lokensgard. That specimen came from him.”

Rocky Bronzino sputtered, “A boy ... is secreting bug pheromones? That's impossible. Preposterous.”

Doggett glanced at Scully who met his gaze, trying to hide her smirk. He glanced back at the doctor. “You're the expert, Dr. Bronzino. How else do you explain it, then?”

When he didn’t respond, Scully asked, “Rocky?”

“A boy is a boy, a bug is a bug. You can't have it both ways,” he explained trying to wrap his mind around it, “science doesn’t allow it. Period.”

“I have a few theories,” Scully began, “Okay, so this boy's going through puberty, right? I mean, maybe his body chemistry is somehow just going crazy and it's his raging teenage hormones that are attracting all these insects.”

Reyes nodded in thought. “What if it's more than chemistry and hormones? More than biology? Dylan's not just attracting these bugs he's using them to act out.”

“Yes, but against what?” Scully asked.

“We saw him talking to a girl,” Reyes answered.

“Well, that makes sense. In a way. Teenage love,” Doggett connected. “The girl is the one in the dumb ass video. Captain dare's girlfriend.”

“How on Earth are you all making these connections,” Rocky said.

“We’ve experienced with cases like these,” Scully said. “Agent Doggett, why don’t you and Agent Reyes try to chase down the girl and check on her. Dr. Bronzino and I will check on Dylan.”

“We will?” He asked, confused.

“We are,” Scully confirmed. “Call each other in about two hours and meet back here?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Doggett nodded.

. . . . . .

It was evening by the time they got to the Lokensgards’ home. As Scully and Bronzino pulled up in front of Dylan Lokensgard’s house, her mind was elsewhere. She did not remember to call Mulder. As they walked up the sidewalk to the front door, Scully slowed and saw the front door slightly open. Scully slowed and drew out her flashlight. She knocked lightly on the door. “Mrs. Lokensgard? Dylan?” She called out.

Rocky Bronzino behind her was fiddling with the machine, trying to fix it, and it started emitting a series of steady beats. “Ah, got it! I'm getting a reading here. Trace levels inside the house.”

Scully shifted her gaze and replied, “Well, I guess that's probable cause.” Scully began her trek up the stairs when she was stopped by Rock Bronzino. “What now?”

Bronzino said quickly, “Dr. Scully? I just wanted to say this while I had a chance.” He smiled with bleached teeth. “This is so exciting. I've never had a partner before. And this isn’t a thing. This is a professional collaboration that happens only one time.”

Scully thought of Mulder and felt her heart twist. “I have. Don’t forget what I told you, Dr. Bronzino.”

“Semantics, Dr. Scully. I'd like to think of it as a hymenopteran relationship. Two scientists using their special knowledge reaching higher than either of them could ever reach alone. And if I may say so, Doctor, you complete me.”

“I’ve already completed. I already have a partner. I’ve told you this. Now, I got upstairs, you takedown.” She shook her head and thought of Mulder. She needed to call him once this was done.

“All right,” he exclaimed, “Partner!”

She rolled her eyes and jogged up the stairs. As she slowly examined the upstairs, her thoughts drifted back to Mulder and how she hadn’t communicated with him. Or her mother. As she neared Dylan’s room, Scully spied Natalie’s class picture on the bed. As her phone rang, she jumped, digging it out. “Scully?”

“Where are you?” It was John Doggett. He sounded rushed.

She looked around the room. “I’m with Dr. Branzino at the Lokengard’s house. But there’s nobody here.

“Yeah, well, I'm afraid the kid's on a tear. He's caused a car accident out here on Glenhaven road,” Doggett explained.

“How'd he do that?”

“You'd better see for yourself.”

“I’m on my way.”

Scully turned to make her downstairs while Rocky was just getting his equipment working properly. He looked up. “It’s everywhere, Dr. Scully. C-13 calliphorone. I'm getting a stiff new reading from up here.”

Scully nodded, “Yeah, Dylan's bedroom's up there. That’s probably what you’re reading. Unfortunately, he's not in it.”

“Where are you going?”

“The kid's on a rampage. I’m going to meet Agent Doggett.” The pheromone machine began to beep loudly and Dr. Bronzino cried in surprise. She called, “You got my number.”

Dr. Bronzino smiled and called out. “Does that mean you’ve changed your mind, Dr. Scully?”

“Not in your wildest dreams, Rocky.”

. . . . . . 

Mulder came home, hoping to see, Scully but his heart fell when it was only Mrs. Scully smiling with William. He should be happy to have his son but he was missing his partner more. After a simple dinner and promises of coming to dinner Saturday night, Mrs. Scully left Mulder alone with William on a Friday night. William was quick to fall asleep and Mulde put him to bed. He surveyed the empty apartment. It felt foreign without Scully there with him.

He went back to the couch and tried to get comfortable. Flipping on the TV, he found the Sports Center. He glanced at his cell phone. He checked it one last time before turning it off. If she wasn’t busy saving the world without him, she would find a way to let him know what is going on.

. . . . . 

As Scully drove to meet Agent Doggett, her phone started to ring again. She sighed and answered, “Scully.”

“Agent Scully,” Doggett’s voice filtered through the voice piece, “I need you to turn around and go back to Dylan’s house. Monica just called. She got knocked out and Natalie is gone. I think Dylan got her.”

“Is Agent Reyes okay?”

“Yes, I think so. I found her covered in some sort of web. Like a spider.”

Scully’s mind flashed to one of the first cases she and Mulder had on what was supposed to be a walk through the forest. “Call the EMTs and make sure they bring hazmat gear. I’m on my way back to Dylan’s house.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

“Take care of Agent Reyes first. And call back up for me as well.”

“You got it. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

She tried to dial Rocky’s number but it was disconnected. As Scully pulled back up at the Lokensgard home, it was still eerily quiet and something felt amiss. She drew her weapon and flashlight and took a few steps in. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Natalie Gordon, the girl that Doggett and Reyes had been after, sitting in a chair and crying. She asked, “Where are they?” Natalie shook her head, unable to speak. “Natalie!”

Natalie’s crying continued. She pointed upstairs wordlessly. Scully pointed her weapon upstairs and began to make her way to the attic. She widened her eyes in disbelief to see large human-sized sacs of web hanging from various positions. She instantly recalled the mysterious web-slinging, glowing insects from Washington state and how her, Mulder, and the park ranger were almost swallowed alive. As she examined them, a small voice emitted, “Help me. Dr. Scully, help me!”

Scully bent down to tear off the web. “Dr. Bronzino?”

“It’s the boy! And the mother!”

“Where are they?”

“I don’t know.” His voice sounded faint. “I don’t feel so good.”

In the distance, she could hear sirens. That must have been Doggett and Reyes coming with the cavalry. She tried to tear the webbing away as she heard the sirens sound to a stop. Bronzino looked faint suddenly and lolled his head backward and his eyes shut. She dragged him out and checked for a pulse. Feeling one, although faint, she began CPR. She heard footsteps running up the stairs and as the flashlight shined on her. 

“Agent Scully!” Doggett greeted. “Is that Branzino?”

“He was in one of the web sacks,” she explained quickly, continuing CPR.

“He’s smiling,” Reyes observed.

“He’s what?”

Scully looked down to see Bronzino with his eyes closed but he was smiling. “That sonofabitch,” she cried. 

Caught up in the moment, she slapped him against the cheek and got to her feet. The smack was resounding and caused Dr. Bronzino to sit up suddenly and place his hand against the red cheek. “What kind of care was that?”

“A dose of reality,” she snapped. “Make sure the EMTs check him out.”

“I thought we were partners,” he pouted.

“We worked together on this one case. That’s it.” She turned to Doggett and Reyes. “I found him cocooned up like these unknown victims. I had seen something like this once before when I first started on the x-files. That might be worth checking out.”

“We will,” Doggett said, trying to fight from grinning. “But um, do you find any signs of Dylan?”

“Gone. How is Natalie?” Scully answered.

“Fine. Shaken up but I think she’ll be okay,” Reyes said, trying to fight the urge to laugh.

“What?” Scully asked. She turned as the two agents stared at Bronzino who was now trying to charm a female EMT about his close brush with death. “Oh, come on!”

“I’m just saying,” Doggett said. “If Mulder were here, he would have slugged the guy.”

“Just because you were on the receiving end of the man’s fist once, John doesn’t mean he would slug another guy.”

Scully rolled her eyes and cast one lingering glance at Bronzino. “Speaking of Mulder, I need to call him.”

“Let him know about the human fly trap?” Doggett grinned.

“Both of you knock it off,” she grumbled. 

“Agent Scully,” one of the police officers called, “I need to get your statement!”

“Can it wait?”

“I’m afraid not, ma’am unless you want to do it in the morning,” the officer said.

Scully sighed. “Fine, fine, I’ll do it tonight.”

Her plans of going home or evening calling Mulder disappeared as she was left with Agents Doggett, Reyes, and the cops investigating the scenes.

. . . . . .

Saturday morning. The sun was just peeking through the windows of the Georgetown apartment as Mulder sipped his coffee. He was preparing to wake William up to take him to do a morning run to the shop down the street for donuts and a newspaper. Despite the jealousy and sour feelings, he had with Scully being in the field, being home on a Saturday morning with his son was nice.

His attention was drawn to the door when he heard a key sliding into the lock, the deadbolt turning, and the door open. In came Scully, still wearing the suit from the night before. She came in, kicked off her boots, and dropped her keys on the table next to the door. She sighed and Mulder stood quietly. “You look like you’ve had a tough case,” he called softly.

Scully looked surprised. “You’re awake.”

“I’m not much of one for sleep. You should know that by now,” he replied. “You didn’t call.”

“I’m sorry,” she started. Her tired mind tried to piece the past 24 hours. “I got busy and distracted. Everything came to a head last night. I didn’t want to wait to see you so I drove through the night…”

“You drove through the night,” he said.

“Yeah.” 

“As a doctor, you should know better.” He made his way to her in a few steps and wrapped his arms tightly around her. Scully was shocked by the greeting but relaxed a few seconds later. Her arms came under his and she hugged him tightly. Mulder squeezed his eyes tightly and buried his face into her hair and breathed deeply. “I missed you.”

Scully buried her face into her chest. His cotton shirt smelled of William, old sweat, and just home. “I missed you too.” She lifted her head and kissed him. Mulder smiled and kissed her deeply, not relinquishing his grasp. She chuckled tiredly. “You missed me.” 

“Words fail to describe it.”

She smiled again and looked about the empty apartment. “Where is William?”

“Still sleeping. He’ll wake up in another hour or so. What about you? When was the last time you slept?”

“I napped at the station before I hit the road.”

“You’re a doctor,” he admonished. 

“I know, I know.”

“So you know bed rest is the thing you need right now. I’ll call your mother later and cancel dinner plans.”

“Dinner plans?”

Mulder nodded. “We thought you were coming home last night so we were going to have dinner as a family. No worries. We can do it tomorrow.”

“Mom usually goes to church first thing.”

“I’m sure she’ll make an exception.”

Scully was already moving towards their son’s bedroom. The need to see her son was killing her. She opened the door slowly to see William still sleeping soundly. “He sleeps like you but like clockwork, he’ll be up ready for his bottle. We were going to run to the store to get donuts and the Saturday paper. I can pick you up for breakfast if you want?”

“That’d be nice.”

At the sound of his mother’s voice, William sleepily opened his eyes and gurgled happily. “He was up earlier, about three, with a diaper. Go ahead. I’ll get his bottle ready and get you some coffee. Unless you want to change.”

“No, no, this is fine.”

Scully bent down to pick up her son, cradled him, and sat in the rocking chair. Mulder smiled at the image before he went to fetch the bottle and coffee. As he came back and saw Scully, still disheveled from her case, smiling and cooing at their son, the anger and bitterness he had been nursing the past few days momentarily vanished.

. . . . . .

“Is William asleep?”

“Yeah,” Mulder replied, crawling into bed with her. “He’ll probably be up around two or three. He’s been consistent the past few nights with you gone. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take the first shift when he wakes up.”

Scully flipped the covers down for him further. “I missed this.”

“Missed what?”

“You, William, us.”

Skinner’s advice came back to him suddenly and Mulder said, “I have something to ask you. Rather something to tell you?”

“What?”

“I was quite moody and jealous when you were gone. I felt...I felt left behind,” he confessed searching for the right words. “I know I screwed up being abducted and dying and putting you through all that before William was born. With you gone…” He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“You did nothing wrong. I may have gotten caught up in the work,” she said. Scully reached for his hand. “But this parenthood thing, our relationship, we just need to strike a balance and find out what that is. I enjoyed Saturday with you and William. That’s something we wouldn’t have if we were still on the x-files.”

“True. But I still feel bad.” He pulled her suddenly towards her and she let out a yelp of surprise. He kissed her neck and nuzzled her pajama top open. “William can sleep through anything. And, correct me if I’m wrong, doctor, you’ve healed enough.”

She giggled and slide down so he had better access. “On the case, there was this etymologist that had helped us. Rocky Bronzino. The man kept flirting with me to no end. He ended up in a cocoon…”

“A cocoon you say,” Mulder murmured. 

His fingers were already unbuttoning her pajama top, his hand sinking beneath the elastic waistband of her undergarments. She shivered to feel his fingers touch her. “Yes. I got to say I was in a relationship,” she smiled. She sought more kisses from him. “Publicly. Openly. I am in a committed relationship with my partner.”

Mulder smiled and whispered, “You sound so sexy saying that.”

“What? I am in a committed relationship with my partner?”

“Yes.” Scully found herself topless and pulled off Mulder’s shirt. “He made me perform CPR on him.”

Mulder paused. “He did what?”

“Don’t worry. I gave him a good dose of reality.” She snickered. “By slapping him.”

“There’s the Agent Scully I know,” he breathed. “And good. I don’t share.”

Scully let him continue his ministrations, relishing being home and with him again. Her thoughts about the case as she just let herself be present and let herself be free. Mulder moved and loved her, silently thanking whoever was listening he had her and William in his life. After a passionate reunion, Scully cuddled against Mulder, resting her head on his heart. “I missed you.”

He held her and gently played with her hair. “I missed you too.”

On the baby monitor, William began to make noses, crying from one of his parents. “I got it,” Mulder whispered. He kissed her quickly. “And you’re right, we’ll try to find a balance.”

Scully laid back down in bed and watch his naked behind jog to the nursery. She lay back down to watch the shadows on the ceiling and he was back five minutes later. Mulder slid effortlessly back next to her, embracing her again. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “He was just talking in his sleep. Like you do.”

“You mean you,” she yawned. 

“I mean you.” He pulled her closer. “It’s good to have you home, Scully.”

“It’s good to be home.”

[hot-tea-gardenparty]

Title: The Heavy Hands of Hope

Author: coffeeforcastiel

Rating: G (mild language)

Pairing: Destiel, Dean/Cas, Dean Winchester, Castiel

Notes: So....you all are gonna hate me here because this drabble down below is...well it’s a sad one. I do not know why I felt the need to write a sad drabble after 15.18 and not like...a fun, cute, ‘Dean-coming-to-save-Cas” coda...which is actually what I had intended to write when I sat down last night at my computer. But this came out instead. Maybe this is where my heart was yesterday and so....this is what it produced.  The funny thing is, I do not think this is actually what will happen in the next two episodes of the show. I really don’t. FYI, I believe Dean will be better than this in handling what happened and I DO THINK that Cas will be coming back.

So it’s strange my brain did this the way that it did. *shrugs* Anyways, hope you like it and please let me know if you did!

Dean lay in bed. For how long he’d been there…that was another question entirely.

Longer than what was usually acceptable, he knew that much. But damn if he wanted to stay in bed, stare at the ceiling and pretend the world didn’t exist, he figured he’d earned that right…especially after what had happened. Especially after loosing what he had.

He rolled over, his sweat pants scrunching up between his calves and knees under the thin blankets as he tiredly eyed the tall, frosty glass of water Sam had left on his bedside table a few minutes prior. Sam had knocked softly on his bedroom door, stating he was going to take the Impala in search of any nearby hunters to tell them the good news…that Chuck was defeated. That they had won.

Dean couldn’t muster up enough give a shit to respond besides a shrug and a grumbled, “Don’t do anything stupid.” As Sam nodded in uncomfortable understanding, a forced smile upon his face. The faded white light of the hallway bulbs illuminated Sam’s front as he walked out of the room, muttering a quick ‘see you later’ and shutting the bedroom door with a soft click. Dean sighed in release, listening to his brother’s footfalls as they echoed down the hallway, through the war room and up the bunker’s main stairs.  Dean could have sworn he’d heard Baby’s engine roar and rev as Sam drove her out of the garage.

He should drink something. Probably. Something other than whiskey straight from the bottle, Dean thought, his head pounding from the past few days of drunken stupor and cold, leftover pizza.

Lifting himself to sit upright, Dean grabbed the glass of water, chugging the entirety in three large gulps. His headache was pounding even worse behind his eyes with the immediate change in position and now he felt like he might have to puke. Lovely.

Throwing his feet to floor, Dean recoiled at the loud clattering of the empty whiskey bottles he’d forgotten about, his feet scattering them further around the head of his bed. He sighed in annoyance at himself and grabbed his phone from the bedside table. He had a few missed text messages from Sam, asking him how he was the past few days he’d been holed up in his room and one from a random hunter asking for assistance. He stared at the screen, his thumb scrolling through his recent outgoing calls.

Sam. Sam. Charlie. Sam. Jody. Donna. Sam……..and then….Cas.

His thumb held still, hovering over the green call button next to Cas’ name.

Dean took a deep breath as he sent the outgoing call to Cas’ cell.

Ring. Ring. He had no idea why he was doing this. Ring. Ring. What was the point? It’s not like Cas would answer. Ring. Ring. Click…click…Please leave a message for… “I do not understand. Why do you need me to say my name?” Beeeeeeep.

Fat, wet tears splashed onto the lit phone screen as Dean hung up. He choked on the salty loneliness grasping at the back of his throat as he started to chuckle humorlessly over the fact that Cas still hadn’t changed his voicemail greeting after all these years. It’s not like this was new information for Dean, he’d listened to the greeting many times before…but this time….

This time, Dean knew he wouldn’t get the chance to tease Cas about it. To tell him to change it. To make him just use the basic voicemail greeting that came with the phone. The idiot.

Cas was gone.

Gone for good.

Wiping away the tears streaking his cheeks with his palm, Dean threw his phone to land on the mattress and slowly padded his way to the kitchen to find his favorite Costco sized bottle of pain killers. He poured out four pills. Should be enough to numb his…everything.

Dean grabbed another glass of water and swallowed his pills in the shadowed kitchen, the only light coming in from the hallway through the open doorway. The silence of the bunker was almost eerie.

No Sam, no Jack, no Cas…it was just Dean, alone in the large expanse of underground. His movements, no matter how small, seeming to echo and reverberate around the gray concrete arches and cold steel shelving. It felt strange. Dean had always considered the bunker his new home, since by now it was as comfortable and familiar as the Impala. He had even carved his initials into the library table. But now, even with Sam still around and the random visiting hunter popping in on their drive throughs, the bunker’s walls felt still and cold. Lacking somehow.

And Dean knew…he knew…with a bitter tang in his throat and a hot, restless sorrow in his stomach, he knew…it was Cas.

Without Cas, it was as if a piece was missing in a close to finished puzzle. You wouldn’t be able to see the full picture, the beauty of the vision, without this essential, important fragment. It had only taken Dean too many years, too many avoided conversations, too many lonely, drunken nights, to finally realize it.

But now…it was too late. He’d waited too long.

Cas was in the Empty. Drowning in the ether of mistakes, pain and regret. Cas had made that decision and Dean was made to agree. He hadn’t been given a choice.

Of course, Dean didn’t like that plan. Didn’t want to go ahead with it once he realized it was happening. But who would? Who would want the suddenly realized love of their life taken away from them forever? So yes, Dean had wanted to beg him to stay. Wanted to plead with Cas to rethink this. He wanted to cry out, crocodile tears openly flowing down his face, leaving clear trails down his grimy cheeks. He thought about grabbing onto the lapels of Cas’ trench coat, bringing his face close and confessing his true feelings lips to lips. He wanted, he should have, told Cas everything, right then, while the vengeful world seemingly paused around them for just a second, held back by a flimsy wooden door and streaks of blood.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way. Dean had wanted so much more, even if he never really stated the desire out loud. He wanted to stutter stupidly around the “I love you,” and the “I don’t think I can do this shit without you,” and “Please forgive me” as he held Cas’ face in the palms of his hands or brought him close enough that they felt each other’s breath on their lips. He wanted to finally be able to admit it all. To spill the confessions he had held back by the dam of his repression, let them flow out of his mouth and drown him in the emotions filling up thick, magnetic, heated air.

Castiel changed everything that day, but what else did he have to lose? Dean had already waited too long, and Cas had to do something. Say something. Make it all matter in the end.

A bitter sounding laugh left Dean’s lips and echoed around the kitchen at the memory of Castiel’s final moments, as the inky black took over and dragged him away. Even after all that Cas had said, all that had been done, Dean still couldn’t respond. Like a fucking coward.

He sat on that dungeon floor and wept for what seemed like hours. He looked up at the beige ceiling, eyes wandering between each flaking chip of paint, connecting the proverbial dots in the constellation, all of them coming together to form an image of Castiel in his mind. He felt like he was waiting for a sign as his last tears dried in sticky trails down his cheeks. Waiting for the acknowledgement he knew wouldn’t come.

“….I do love you, Cas. I love you too. I love you too.”

If Cas did hear him, there was no way he could let Dean know…not from where he might be…not from his eternal sleep, at least.

But Dean could hope….even though he knew it was worthless.

 ~Fin~

 Again....I am sorry for the pains....but thank you for reading!

[msdianahamilton]

[ lily collins, twenty-seven, cis female, she/her ] ━  did y'all see [ diana hamilton ] walkin’ into [ the star diner ]? they’ve lived in frostford for [ twenty years, ] and you can catch ‘em around town working as a [ elem/middle school english & drama teacher ]. I reckon they’re pretty [ eccentric & creative ] but I hear they can also be kinda [  distant & self destructive. ] if ya see ‘em around, be sure to say hi. ━ [ triggers: teen pregnancy, child neglect/abuse ]

hi guys i have brought my baby diana to frostford and i am SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. under the cut is a little bit (okay i got carried away) about her! please message me if you’d like to plot with her!

Diana was the daughter of a teen mom who had no interest or desire to be mom, but since she was from a very strict Christian home, she had no choice 

Was born in Mobile when her mother was sent to live with her aunt and uncle because out of sight, out of mind. They could not stand the gossip and the good Hamilton name being dragged through the mud because their daughter had to go and get knocked up, so they made her go live with them, and she decided to stay there even after Diana was born

They stayed with her aunt and uncle for a while, until she was nearly two and Ally convinced them that she was grown and didn’t need their help anymore (sure jan)

Ally worked and had a job for a while and was on the straight and narrow path, and things were going great and then she met... a boy. And then another after that. And another. And another. There were many boys and girl was putting her boyfriends over her daughter and the job she had to pay their bills and keep her little girl fed

By the time Diana was like five, baby girl was taking care of herself, pretty much. Her mom would be out until all hours of the night, and expect Diana to take care of herself. And sometimes she wouldn’t even come home-- she’d leave Diana by herself not only for hours, but sometimes days. With hardly any food, and not making sure she wasn’t burning the apartment down, or making sure she was safe in general. A lot of the time, Diana was too scared to sleep and would hide in the closet, because any noise would scare her

Besides neglecting Diana, she got physical sometimes, especially after a night of drinking and taking who knows what kind of drugs and hooking up with guys. She’d grab baby girl forcefully, yell in her face, even smacked her around a few times if she thought Diana was being whiny, or even just because she felt like it. 

Eventually the Hamilton fam was like okay what’s going on here, and the aunt and uncle who they lived with before? They came to check up on them, and whoop, found Diana all alone, with no food in the fridge or cabinets, except for some stale cereal and water. When her mom came home, she didn’t even have the decency to feel embarrassed or any remorse, and that’s when the Hamilton’s were like, okay, we’re getting baby girl out of here. And they took her in for a little while, but they had a few kids themselves, and she was another mouth to feed, so the family all decided she was better off in Frostford with her grandparents. 

It was a huge difference to live with them compared to how she’d been living since she was a baby, and she really didn’t know how to handle it? She was very quiet and afraid to piss them off at first because for the first time in her life, she was being taken care of, she had food all the time, and the clothes she wore weren’t dirty and actually fit her right. But she eventually grew into herself. 

Sometime in middle school is when she realized she was attracted to boys and girls and when she asked her grandma about it, the poor old lady almost had a heart attack. But eventually her grandparents came to terms with it, and thought they are very Christian and it’s hard for them to this day, they love their grand daughter, and didn’t want to push her away and lead her to resent them and want to go back to living with her mother (who’s still in Mobile). 

After high school, she went to the University of Alabama and majored in English, and thought about writing, but a couple of years after graduating and no luck on writing the next great American novel, she decided she probably had to be more practical if she wanted to move out of her grandparents house, and decided to get certified to teach. She ended up landing a job as an English teacher at the local elementary/middle school, and has been working there for the four years, and in the last year, took on drama as one of the subjects she teaches as well. 

It’s become her passion to rebuild an after school program dedicated to the arts, specifically drama/acting, so she’s often staying after school with her students putting on skits and she’s trying to get the school to approve funding to put on actual plays. 

She’s quirky and kinda awkward, but also pretty blunt and says things most people probably don’t say out loud, so you can expect her to say some dumb shit, just fyi, y’all. 

She’s also that bitch that walks around town wearing some weird ass shit. She loves fashion, and is always in some over the top get up, which may not always look great, but she somehow manages to pull it off. She spends a lot of money online shopping, tbh. 

She’s a lowkey hopeless romantic, but IS VERY AFRAID OF LOVE AND GETTING HURT??? So she’s been in a few relationships, but she’s the one who makes them crash and burn because she gets scared when she starts to really like someone, and can be very self destructive and ruins things just when they’re getting good. 

She’s also hella bisexual, if I didn’t make that clear before. And she’s not out to everyone in Frostford, but most people she grew up with/went to school with would know that she’s not playing for just one team but all the teams

Oh she also tends to sleep around since she’s scared of commitment and being hurt, so casual hookups and friends with benefits are up her alley. She tries to not sleep with the same person multiple times unless she’s not super attracted to them, because then it’s fine and she’s not worried about catching feelings. But if she thinks you’re hot, plus you have great sex, and she thinks you’re funny and cool??? It’s a no for her, because SHE KNOWS she’s gonna end up getting feelings and is like nopeee.

Also she’s still pretty messed up from being neglected/abused by her mom. she doesn’t have a relationship with either of her parents-- she knows that her mom is still somewhere in mobile, and has NO idea who her dad is (he was an older guy who had no interest in being a father and is probably still in frostford)

oh and star diner was her first job, and she to this day goes in there and harasses her old boss/ex coworkers and will eat a shit ton of food when she’s drunk or feeling sad 

SO YEAH THIS IS A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MY BABY GIRL. PLEASE LOVE HER. AND PLEASE HMU IF YOU’D LIKE TO PLOT OUT SOME ESTABLISHED CONNECTIONS!!

some connections i’d love to have for her:

best friends

coworkers/work friends

hookups

FWB 

exes 

friends who are also gay and they have bonded over being gay in a small town

people she doesn’t get along with

people who hate her/she hates (who maybe hookup bc that’s always fun)

college friends

cousins!!!

half siblings!!!!

parents of her students!!!

family friends

acquaintances

ex friends

people she went to school with/grew up with

yeah, these are just suggestions/off the top of my head, and not set in stone!!

[barneslives]

Nervous (2/3)

Summary: You tried to move on, but the universe just kept putting Sebastian on your path. (Inspired by the song Nervous by Shawn Mendes)

Here is Part 1, what you were trying to move on from. 

Warnings: INFINITY WAR SPOILERS (minor, but still here’s your warning); Swearing; Implied Sex; Drinking

Pairing: Sebastian X Reader 

Word Count: 4953

*Y/D/N is Your Dog’s Name, just FYI. Not sure if I used it right.

She stood still, looking at the big screen of the movie theater. Tears streaming down her face, she had absolutely no idea why – she wasn’t the type of person who cried at the end of sad movies. She watched as people passed by her side and left. When she finally saw the cleaning crew enter the place, she decided to get up and get out.

“That movie was amazing!” She heard someone say. “Yeah, but why would they kill so many characters?” Someone else answered. She felt a kick in her stomach, but she brushed it off; probably something she ate earlier moving around.  She shook her head. Infinity war was one of the most talked about movies right now. But she only went to see him. She missed that day they spent together, but that was four months ago. She just took a deep breath and kept moving. He probably forgot about her, but she just couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t leave her head. After a while, she remembered every little thing that happened when they were drunk and that was her punishment. She accepted, she even liked to remember how sweet he was. She got out of the building and went into the street, completely lost in thought. It was a little warmer outside, but since it was spring it wasn’t too hot. She kept walking towards her apartment, still thinking about how much she missed his lips on hers.

- Well, this is great but could you just not? – She mumbled to herself and then looked around, to see if no one was looking at her. She laughed. Remembering was her punishment, but she was happy to take it.

~

She never talked about it with anyone. When she got home that day and picked up her dog at the neighbor, she didn’t say a word and no one asked. She was home now and there was something in the back of her mind that kept popping up. The way his character fell to the floor and just turned into dust. Why did that bother her so much? Her dog jumped on the sofa beside her and starred at her, eyes full of hope.

- You wanna go for a walk, Y/D/N? – The dog jumped out of the sofa and started running around the house. – Where exactly do you want to go? – He stopped and turned to look at her, ears up, full attention on his owner. – Wanna go to central park? It’s been a while, right? – The dog started running again, this time jumping on the sofa and pushing her legs, as if telling her to get up. Y/D/N was a small dog - when she adopted him she hoped he’d turn out that way – but he pushed her in such excitement that it felt like he was bigger. She laughed at his persistency, because he kept pushing her. He was too excited. – Okay okay, I’ll go pick up your bag. You do remember how to walk in it right? – The dog jumped out of the couch and ran towards the closet where the bag she used to carry him was and he started barking at it. She looked at him, not surprised on how smart he was, and got out of the couch. Maybe a little sunlight would bring her spirits up and clear her head a little.

~

She was wearing a tank top and shorts. Still, she kept brushing sweat off of her forehead. She looked at Y/D/N; he was wagging his tail in a way that made it look like he was moving his ass side to side. The dog kept looking everywhere, smelling everything he could. She smiled a little and then she looked up. Blue eyes staring down at her. Sebastian just stood there, looking at her with his warm gaze. Oh shit oh shit oh shit, she kept thinking. She could see his breathing wasn’t even, his chest rising up and down rapidly. She felt a tug pulling her forward, Y/D/N was eager to keep walking but she couldn’t move. The dog kept pulling her forward, towards the way where Sebastian was standing. He had his headphones on and was wearing some workout clothes that were completely soaked in sweat. She took a deep breath and turned on her heels with her arm behind her, while Y/D/N adjusted to the new direction. Her dog was right in front of her in no time. She kept moving, feet almost tumbling into each other with how dizzy she felt after five minutes of walking in a faster pace. And then she was out of the park, just like that. She didn’t look behind her at all, just kept going forward until she stopped at a café. She crumbled into a chair, her back facing the park. She kept taking deep breaths, holding Y/D/N in place, telling him to sit. What the hell was that? There wasn’t even time to process the question, and she felt a hand on her shoulder. His touch was light like a feather and it send chills all over her body. She closed her eyes, hoping he would just leave it at that. When the hand fell out of her shoulder she wanted to scream. She actually wanted him to stay. And then she opened her eyes and watched as he walked right by, towards the street and into the city.

~

After that day she finally thought she made the right decision, but that didn’t stop the memories from creeping up on her mind every now and then and today she couldn’t concentrate. The memories were so vivid and so strong, that she kept trying to write a few lines and they didn’t make any sense. She cursed at the computer, almost throwing the keyboard into the screen. That character from Soho, the one she was creating when she met him, her fingers just kept trying to write Sebastian into the story as if he was the only man to ever walk those streets. She sighed. What else did she have to research? Just to keep her mind busy while she couldn’t create anyone else. She heard the phone vibrate on the table and took it to her ear, pulling the green icon on the screen up.

- Hey, boss! – It was her superior on the other end, she never really called, mainly email and text. One of the perks of being a journalist, the other was the fact that Y/N could just work from home in her pajamas.

- Are you busy? – She asked directly. That woman hated small talk. – I need you to be at Drive495, that’s in Soho. – She didn’t expect Y/N to say no, almost as if she knew you were just writing drafts. – The other girl got really sick and can’t be there. That was a really tough interview to get and I need someone there in 2 hours. – She finished. Y/N sighed. Soho. After five seconds without an answer, she insisted. – I have no one else to ask, it’s a pretty simple interview and everyone else is way too far to get there in time. – Y/N took a deep breath and agreed to it. Her boss gave some instructions and send some information to get her up to date on the piece. She looked at the clock. It was 5am, she had the most fucked up sleeping hours and for the first time you felt that was a problem. Fucking Soho.

~

It took Y/N ten minutes to get ready, but it took her 30 to just get out the door and she was glad Brooklyn was a 40 minute subway drive to Soho. She kept mentally preparing herself to see him, walking his dog on the street. She passed by his apartment on the way to the gym and her whole body trembled. She felt her feet moving faster towards the gym that was just three blocks away. Of course you got out at the wrong station and had to walk all these streets. She kept seeing glimpses of him, she ran into him way too many times and the memories kept popping in her mind – like the third time they saw each other, when she was leaving a restaurant he was just walking into. They just smiled at each other and she looked down, hoping he didn’t remember her, but she could never forget those blue eyes. When she finally got to the gym, she realized she was early. She looked around to see if it was open and then walked inside. The air smelled like rubber and steel, there were sounds of heavy things falling on the floor every thirty seconds or so. She walked towards the reception and greeted the woman on the other side of the counter.

- I’m here for Don Saladino. – She said, looking around to see if he was close. – I’m with the New York Times. – She added, when the woman kept staring at her, not knowing who she was.

- Oh, right. He’s expecting you. – The woman smiled, getting out of her chair to go look for him inside. When she came back, she showed Y/N where she needed to go. Once there, Don greeted her and the interview went on just fine. It was a piece about his workout, the ones he did based on the celebrities he worked with. He was really passionate about everything he did and you almost missed it when he said Sebastian’s name.

- I’m sorry, could you repeat that? – Y/N interrupted him mid sentence and he smiled.

- I’m training Sebastian Stan when we’re done here. There are going to be some reshoots for the next Avengers movie and he was called in. – He repeated what he said earlier and you still couldn’t believe what he was saying. He stopped and smiled again. – Would you like to see it? It’s a really great example on how the challenges work. – He finished, waiting for Y/N to respond. She took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, making him frown.

- Yeah, sure. That would be great! – She finally answered, trying to sound excited about it. If her boss found out she denied content for the sake of her sanity she’d kill Y/N with paper cuts. – Could you tell me a little bit about Mr. Stan’s – She cleared her throat, his name almost getting stuck in it. – Routine and which of the challenges it resembles most? – And so Don went on about a whole lot of things she couldn’t care less right now. She was just glad there was a recorder on the table, catching every single word he said; while she was just trying to catch her breath.

~

Sebastian was a lot smarter than Y/N remembered. When he saw her beside Don, he had the same reaction as in Central Park, but after that small moment he managed to get a grip on his breathing and she saw a smirk on his face that she just couldn’t read. He got excited to see her, and when he remembered what Don said about being interviewed, he realized something about Y/N that he didn’t know, which made him smile. She was quiet the whole session. Never giving him an opening to say something; and he was quiet too, even though she could sense his curiosity every time he looked at her. His hands shook a little when he was resting from the exercise and she wondered if he was nervous. Could just be his muscles aching from the heavy weights.  She watched while Don helped him stretch at the end of the session. Her flight instinct kicking in just as she realized that her job was almost done. She was a bit further from them now, there was a class happening around where they were and Don asked Y/N to stay where she wouldn’t risk getting hurt. So she stayed right beside the door. She watched them as they talked to each other and laughed. She saw Sebastian look at her and then at Don, saying something that she couldn’t hear. He got up from the floor and walked in her direction. She felt her heart pick up speed and kept reminding herself to just breathe. Air in. Air out. He walked with such confidence, and the fact that he took his shirt off wasn’t helping. She took a deep breath as he was getting closer.

- I’ll see you later. – He said as he passed beside her and she felt a shiver through her whole body. Damn it. Y/N didn’t allow herself to answer or to turn his way. She kept her eyes locked at Don, who was correcting a girl’s posture before coming in her direction.

- So, I guess that’s it, right? – He said, smiling awkwardly your way.  

- Yeah, I guess. – She smiled back at him. – It was an amazing interview. Thank you! – She said, shaking his hand. He nodded in agreement and she was just about to turn around, when he asked for her number. It wasn’t a flirt at all.

- Just so I can call you to know when the piece is going to be published. – He lied. Y/N didn’t see any harm in his words, so she wrote it down on a page of her notebook and gave it to him, after ripping it out.

- I think it’s coming up next week. But you can call me in a day or two and I’ll confirm that to you. – She smiled. He took the page from her hand and nodded. And after that she turned around and left. Sebastian’s words playing on repeat in her head. I’ll see you later.

~

This is ridiculous. That was all Y/N kept thinking while she was on her way to lunch. Don called her two days after the interview to know about the date. But then he asked her if he could read it before it was published. Y/N said she would talk to her boss about it and he said he already did and she was fine with it. She found out later that they were close friends; they lived next door to each other for a few years now. So she just agreed to it, said she’d email him a copy. He was persistent on the fact that he wanted to see it in person. “What’s the difference?” Y/N asked with an unapologetic rude tone in her voice. “Well, you could see my reaction. Come on, I’ll buy you lunch!” He insisted and she just accepted. And there she was back in Soho again. She had a folder on her hand as she walked fast on the sidewalk. She kept looking at her shoes, pacing fast through the hot summer sun. When she got to the restaurant she recognized the front. It was the bar where she went with Sebastian. Apparently during the day it served food too. She entered the place, looking around; searching for him and hoping he wasn’t there. Then it hit her, remembering what Sebastian said at the gym. I’ll see you later. And she held back a scream. If Y/N didn’t love this job so much and if she didn’t need it to feed Y/D/N, she’d walk right out of that place right then and there. She found his eyes across the room, laughing at something that Don said. When he saw her at the door he smiled even wider. And his friend turned to the entrance. She waved at him, hoping he’d come to her, but there was no such luck. He waved back, signaling for her to come to the table. This is ridiculous. She took a deep breath and walked slowly towards them. They were sitting at a round table near the back; there was a booth and one chair on the side, where Don was sitting. She inhaled, holding the air inside her lungs for just a moment before forcing it out. She got there and sat next to Sebastian; cursing every bad word she knew in her head, before looking at Don. Y/N put the folder on the table and slid it towards him. He smiled taking the folder and then looking at his phone. He made a fake surprised face when his eyes reached the screen. She sighed, she knew exactly what was going to happen.

- Oh my god, Ryan Reynolds is at the gym. I forgot to postpone that. – He said and she rolled her eyes.

- Just go. – Y/N said, bored out of your mind. – I got played. I get it. I’m not leaving. Just fucking go. – She finished, pointing at the door. He looked at Sebastian and mouthed “good luck” before getting up from his chair and leaving the restaurant. She took a deep breath, again. Turning to look at the blue-eyed man that sat right next to her. She just kept staring at him, waiting for him to say something. Why why why. He was such a handsome man, such a kind soul. Why was he after her? He could have the world if he wanted to and yet, here he was. Staring right at her and smiling. Blue eyes making her feel warm again, making her remember the lust she once saw in them.

- I’m sorry. – He started, taking a deep breath and trying to steady his voice. – If I thought you’d come any other way, I wouldn’t have asked Don to do this. – He gave you a weak smile and continued. – Just lunch. And your number. – Y/N opened her mouth to complain, but he continued, trying to convince her that this was a good idea. – Do you remember the first time you saw me? – And with that he broke right through her defenses. She nodded. – You were just taking pictures of the city and I ran right into you. I was lucky your camera was attached to that thing around your neck, you gave me such a piercing look, I thought you were about to punch me. But then you just smiled. And I just wanted to know more. – She smiled at his words. She remembered it all, and so did he.

- And then I turned around and kept walking. – She finished his story for him.

- Yeah, I think I stood there at the street frozen for a good minute before I processed that. – He looked down, nothing could take the smile out of his face. He was just happy she didn’t walk right out of the place when Don left. – And then the other day when I woke up – She felt her heart break a little. – And you weren’t there. – She swallowed and it took everything in her not to interrupt him. – I just��� There was nothing I could do. I thought you had a good time, I thought you were going to stay at least for breakfast. – He kept stopping a little, trying to shake off how nervous he felt around her after that day. – I don’t think I did anything wrong. – He frowned his forehead a bit. She loved when he did that, his face was full of wrinkles that expressed exactly what he was feeling. – But I didn’t know anything about you, either. So I just tried to let it go, shake it off.

- Yeah, me too. – She said. She took a deep breath. – I just didn’t want to bring you into my mess. – She kept talking, words coming out of her mouth that she had no control over. – I really liked you and I fucking loved that day. – He raised an eyebrow in confusion. Y/N forced a smile, he could see right through it. -  I just didn’t want to ruin it. – She finished, feeling like she might have said too much. He still didn’t understand exactly what she meant, but he was glad she was talking.

- Okay, so that means you accept my forced lunch date? – He asked and she didn’t hesitate to answer.

- Yeah. I’ll even answer some questions this time. – She joked and he took his hand to his chest, making a surprised expression. Panic set inside her head. She tried to shut it down somehow. She was done running.

~

It has been a week since they exchanged numbers in Soho that day. He had to travel for a few days, but he never stopped talking to her. He sent pictures and videos of the places he went, and she always smiled when she heard his voice narrating where he was. On the last one he was talking about this great restaurant that he missed, while showing Y/N the plate of food that he was eating. And then he asked her to go there with him. For dinner. On a date. And that date was today. He said he would send someone to pick her up and she just agreed to it, not feeling like walking in heels at the subway. She lost count of how many times she needed to remind herself to just breathe. She was wearing a simple black dress, with a low cut on the back and an above the knee length. She clicked her heels on the floor as she walked towards the car. When someone opened it from the inside, she almost tripped. He didn’t say he was coming too, he wanted to surprise her. He got out of the car and stood in front of her. He was wearing a dark blue bomber jacket, with a black shirt underneath. White pants that were just right for him, showing off his tights up against the fabric. She took a deep breath and smiled. He smiled back, moving out of her way and holding her hand to help her get in the car. She was a lot more comfortable with him now, her defenses lowering each time she told him something about her life. And he already knew a lot. Yet, they never stopped talking. There was traffic on the bridge so they stayed in the car for two hours. Every time he asked her something, she fed his curiosity and then returned the question to him. She loved every little thing she learned about him. The feelings growing more and more inside her. And the panic too. But every single time she felt like pushing the eject button, she just had to concentrate on his eyes. His perfect blue eyes.

- That day at central park. – Y/N interrupted him mind-sentence. He locked his eyes on hers. – Why did you walk away? – That was her first original question and it took him by surprise. They were inside the restaurant, walking around the tables being led to theirs. He smiled at her, but didn’t answer. When they got to their table, he thanked the hostess and pulled out a chair for Y/N to sit. After they were both sitting down, the waiter came to their table and he asked for him to come back in a couple of minutes. Still, he stayed quiet for a while. – Sebs? – She insisted.

- Yeah, sorry. I was just trying to put my words together. – He smiled. – I’m pretty sure you didn’t notice me walking right behind you before you sat down at the café. – She frowned. – Yeah, well. I was. And I just kept thinking of so many maybes and so many ways that I could approach you. I didn’t think much, I just followed you. – He let out a small laugh. – Of course I wasn’t walking as fast as you were, but I was right behind you. – She felt her face blush and looked down at the table. – So, when you sat down. – He took a deep breath, pausing a little. – I thought about where we’d go from there, if I should ask you out, if I should buy you coffee again. – He watched Y/N, as she looked up, her eyes now looking out the window at the city. – I wanted to sit at that chair in front of you so bad. – He ran his hands through his hair, anxious for her to look at him. – But then I thought about my trips and my schedule and I was probably going to be gone for two months because I had two movies to promote and all that – He circled his hand, waving them around in the air – And I just thought you didn’t need that. And then I thought “maybe that’s why she left” – She turned her head and looked at him. She opened her mouth, but he kept talking before she could say anything. – But by then I had my hand already on your shoulder. When you didn’t turn around to look at me, I just took that as a reason to keep walking. – He raised his shoulders, dropping them down right after. She smiled. – And then I saw you at the gym and I just thought “okay, this is my last chance. I need to do something NOW”. And then Don said he’d help me and here we are. – He finished. There was a brief moment of silence, before she said something.

- That’s not why I left. – She said, feeling her knuckles tense up against the table. He kept his gaze at her. Those warm blues making her relax, so she stretched her hands a little. – But I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that. – She gave him a weak smile and he nodded. Right after that the waiter came back. He left two menus at the table and introduced himself, leaving again right after. Sebastian took her hand, brushing his thumb against her palm trying to get her to relax.

- Don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter anymore.- He gave her a reassuring smile, she returned her gaze to the city. Oh, but it does.

~

- Okay, I have a question! – Y/N said, excited she finally thought about something to ask him. They were back at the bar that was close to his apartment – he suggested they go there after dinner just to keep her with him a little longer, he didn’t even expect her to agree, but here they were. Sebastian looked at her, he refused to drink this time, but she was just as drunk as at that first night. He waited for her to continue. – How would I know about your schedule? – She asked raising an eyebrow. He looked at her confusion written all over his face, so she continued. – I mean, you thought I left because I knew you’d be away for the- two months? – She was looking at her fingers in disbelief, not remembering how many she was holding up. – Is this two? – She asked, raising two fingers in front of his face. He laughed and nodded.

- Yeah, I was gone for two months. – He said, reassuring her that she was on the right track. So, she continued.

- Okay, but how would I know that? I said I was a fan, not a stalker. – She said, trying to keep her face serious for a moment. He smiled at her, remembering the first time she actually said something – the time they were at the café. But then, her question hit him. She couldn’t have known that. So, in the end it really didn’t have anything to do with him when she left.  – Sebs? – She called for him when he stood quiet for a little too long.

- Yeah, you’re right. – He gave her a weak smile. She frowned.

- I liked some movies you were in, but it’s not like I’ve seen every single one of them. To be honest, I just remembered your face, I didn’t really know your name when we first met. – She moved her hands around while she explained.

- It’s just- I mean- Why, then? – He sighed, knowing she would change the subject right away. She looked down at the counter, thinking that if she had another shot of tequila she would just let the words fall out of her mouth. But she didn’t and she was done drinking for today.

- It’s getting really late. – She said and he sighed.

- It’s Saturday, doll. There’s no way you have to be home by ten. – He said jokingly, which made her smile.

- I have a dog, you know? – She said, feeling like she was saying something that he had no idea about.

- The one that you were walking at the park? He’s pretty cute. – He smiled. A real bright smile this time, which made her smile even wider. – What’s his name? – He asked, trying to keep her at ease and not going back to that conversation. He was done with it. It didn’t matter anymore. What mattered was that she was there and he wasn’t going to let her go again. And just like that the night went on. Ending with them in his apartment, only this time when he woke up, she was still there. Heavy sleeping on his bed, right next to him. He watched her as she stretched her whole body on the bed, then she turned to him, resting her hands on his chest.

- Hey sunshine. – She said cheerful, warm blue eyes staring right at her. It had been raining outside since the night before and she knew that they weren’t going anywhere today. And for the first time in her life, she felt the panic slip away from her mind. There was no eject button, there was no running away. There was just him and his warm blue eyes, making her feel like that was everything she needed for now.

~

HERE IS FALLIN’ ALL IN YOU, ALSO KNOWN AS PART 3.

AGAIN  I’m really sorry if there is ANYTHING wrong in the writting, I have read this a thousand times and tried to get it to look its best.

Please leave comments if you liked it (or not). Thanks!

[sherrybaby14]

Negan’s Monster

This is for @ladylorelitany Negan Monster Marsh Challenge

Summary:  You are a Fairy who started off the apocalypse by Negan’s side.  (I used the True Blood Fairy for those who are familiar, if not I think I explained it enough to figure it out).  

Warnings:  Angst (more than imagined) light smut, told in flashbacks, ended up being a little on the sad side.  This is not what I normally write fyi... 

Words: 5k 

Tags: @thecynicalnerd @marauderice @mac5323 @idonthavehusbandsihavelovers @kellyn1604 @negan--is--god @roschelesworld @taintedgenre @screeching-pterodactyl-fangirl @purplemuse89 @blondesouthsquad @buckyscrystalqueen @kawaiirepublic @captainemwinchester @enchantingoblivion @jmackie1983 @jasoncrouse @theonethatgotaway213 @myheart4ever47 @jeffreydeanneganstrash  @negans-network

             The sun was setting and you knew it was time to find shelter for the night.  You were sick and tired of sleeping in trees and promised yourself tomorrow you would stop earlier and find a nice warm bed to rest your head.  Of course, you’d made that promise the past three nights and never kept it.  

 With a yawn, you turned off the road and into the forest.  A shiver ran down your spine and your stomach ached.  Maybe tomorrow you would find a house with a fireplace and food.  It was a welcome dream; one you knew was much more fantasy than reality.  

 You came to a small clearing and debated on starting a fire.  It might draw the attention of walkers, but that didn’t concern you.  After all, you weren’t their type.  One had never tried to bite you, your blood off-putting to them, and if it did you had a feeling all that would result would be a nasty bruise.  You and your kind were immune.  

 Your kind.  Were there any of you left? The night the walkers came brought some closure to you, having spent your entire life being called a freak show, now you knew what it was that made you different.  

~~~      

 “Y/N,” a voice pulled you from your slumber. “Y/N, wake up.”  

 Your eyes popped open to see a beautiful woman, slightly older than you perched on your bed.  You blinked several times, certain this was a dream.

 “I’m your Godmother.” She gave you a smile, but it didn’t hide the worry in her eyes.

 “Godmother?” You sat up. “My Godmother is Aunt Christine.”

 “Y/N.  We don’t have much time.  I need you to listen to me.”  She reached out and grabbed your hand.  Without moving her mouth you heard her voice inside your head. We can communicate like this if it makes you feel more comfortable.

 “You’re like me.” You shot up in bed and squeezed her hand. “I’ve wanted to meet someone else like this my entire life.”

 The sleepiness fell away and you were flooded with excitement.  In your years on this planet reading minds had been a one-way street, but now there was someone else.  You weren’t alone.  

 “I want you to come with me.” She glanced towards the window. “A strange death is about to befall your dimension.  We’re collecting all the Fae and taking them home.”

 “Go with you? Fae? Dimension?” There were too many strange words in that sentence.

 “We don’t have time.”  She stood up from the bed. “The dead are rising here.  It’s not safe for any living creature.  Fae included.”

 “Like a fairy?  I’m a fairy?” You didn’t know much about mythical creatures, but you were pretty sure they were just myths. Then you realized how selfish you were being. “Dead rising?”

 “There is Fae in your bloodline.  You’re the first in generations to present, but we watch out for our own.  I’ve been watching over you since the day you were born and right now I need you to trust me. We need to leave.” She pulled you into a standing position. “This world is dying.”

 “Wait.” You pulled your arm back. “What about my family? My friends?  Can they come too?”

 “The dimension is for Fae only.” She shook her head. “You will finally be with your own people Y/N.”

 “No.” Your brain started to process what she was saying. “Death is coming for my world and you want me to abandon the people I care about?  We need to help them! We need to help as many people as we can, not run away and hide.”

 “The portal is closing.” She glanced over her shoulder. “It’s now or never. If you stay, I can’t protect you.”

 You didn’t say a word as the woman walked back into the darkness of your bedroom and disappeared into nothing.  

 When she left you sat back on your bed and convinced yourself it was a dream before lying back down and willing yourself back to sleep.

~~~  

               A tear ran down your cheek.  You should have left with the strange woman.  Twenty fours after her arrival your family was dead. It seemed like the entire town was dead or walking around without a brain.  

                It didn’t take long after that to be picked up by a group of survivors.  At first you tried to keep on the cheery side, telling yourself you were building the new world.  But low populations made people stand out and it didn’t take long for the leader to realize you were different.

 ~~~  

               The sun beat down, making everyone sweat, but you felt like part of a team as you worked towards lifting the fence.  This place would be perfect for keeping out the walkers and there were rooms enough for everyone to live comfortably.  Maybe life in the new world wouldn’t be so bad.

                “Alright everyone, let’s take a break.”  Negan wiped his brow. “I think we can finish another three sections before nightfall if we don’t pass out from the heat first.”

                Negan was a nice man; you were lucky to fall under his wing.  There were fourteen of you working together.  Right now your priority was getting the factory up and running, then he wanted to start scouting, bring in more people.  You had visions of an independent society.  A smile spread across your face, imagining a group of hardworking, equal individuals.  Maybe violence would become a thing of the past.  

                 She’s so fucking hot.  I bet I could make her sweat harder than this sun.  She doesn’t belong out here, hell no, she belongs in a bed wiggling underneath me as I fuck her brains out.

                 Your eyes went wide and you looked up to see Matt staring at you, he gave a light laugh and a small smile.

                 I bet her pussy is tighter than leather glove two sizes too small.  I’ll probably have to work myself inside her, bet she’s a screamer too. Wonder if she takes it up the ass?  That’ll really make her scream. I bet I could jam it up there, just claim it slipped. She’d love it, that dirty little slut.

                You brought your hand back and slapped Matt across the face.  

                “Ow! What the fuck Y/N?”  He grabbed his cheek.

                “I am not a dirty little slut and I will never sleep with you, focus on another leather glove asshole!”  

                The entire group stared at you.  Matt looked horrified, everyone else looked confused.

                “I ummm…” You struggled with an explanation.

                “Stay away from me.” Matt looked disgusted. “You fucking freak.”

                Tears stung at the corner of your eyes.  That was a name you were far too used to.  You turned towards the factory ready to run off when a warm arm wrapped around you and pulled you close.

                “Hey it’s alright.”  Negan’s voice was soft as you were against his chest. “Y/N and I are going to take a little walk.  Be back here in an hour.”  

                The rest of the group sauntered off and you tried to hide your tears.  

                “Hey, it’s alright.”  Negan rubbed your back. “I could tell Matt was a pervert.  I’m not a big fan of treating ladies that way.”

                You knew it was wrong, but your mind wandered inside Negan’s.

                Not right at all.  I hate seeing Y/N upset like this, she’s the best of the bunch. I wish I could make her feel better, tell her how smart and beautiful she is, she’d probably think I’m a creepy old man.  There’s got to be at least fifteen, maybe twenty years between us.  I’m not sure.  I’ll kick out a thousand Matt’s before I give her a reason to go.

                “I’m not going anywhere.”  You lifted your head and smiled at Negan. “And I’ve always had a thing for older men.”

                “Amazing.”  Negan tucked a piece of hair behind your ear. “You really are something special, aren’t you?”

                Special.  That word was much better than freak. You blushed at the compliment and dropped your head against his chest as he pulled you back in for a hug.  You didn’t need to read his mind to know how safe you were.

~~~  

                Safe and naive.  The memory itself felt fresh, but everything that happened in between pushed it to ages ago.  

                Your stomach ached and another shiver made you hug yourself for some warmth.  It was dangerous, but you needed a fire, at least for a little bit.  It would distract you from the hunger at least. Your body was getting weaker by the second, but you scoured the area for sticks. It hadn’t rained in some time, so you didn’t need to worry about wet logs.  

                A nagging voice in the back of your head told you this was dangerous.  But it had been weeks since you took off.  Nobody was on your trail.  Besides, maybe the fire would attract some decent people, and this time you would know than to let their charms take advantage of you.

 ~~~    

                “I am proud to announce, the Sanctuary is officially up and running.”  Negan lifted his arm to the building behind him.

                You clapped harder than anyone else.  It was nothing short of a modern marvel what the man had accomplished.  In a few weeks he restored the power, hot water, and built the impressive fence. Of course it was a team effort, but Negan had been the organizer and driving force.  You’d never been more proud.  

                “We stand at twenty-five members, so far, and as far as I’m concerned.  It’s you people who are the heart and soul of this place.  Without you, I’d be cornered up in some room, swinging my baseball bat at nothing, you truly are my Saviors.”  Negan dipped his head.

                Saviors.  What a perfect term for this group of people.  Everyone started clapping and cheering again.  

                “To show my gratitude, tonight there will be a party.” The people started jumping up and down, a smile swelled on your face. “And all you fuckers better come showered and clean dressed.”  

                Everyone laughed. You rolled your eyes at his potty mouth but figured there were worse traits.  Negan walked towards the group and people started to disperse.  A party? It had been so long.  You’d found an old dress shoved in the back of some house nearby on one of the scavenging trips.  You took it, knowing an occasion like this would arise.

               “Is the lady pleased?” Negan walked right up to you.

                “Very much so.” The man went out of his way to make you feel comfortable around him, and you appreciate that. He could be so intimidating to others, but you didn’t see that side of him.  

                “Be my date?” He raised his eyebrows.

                “What?”  You didn’t see this coming.  Since your profession of liking older men weeks ago he never made a move.  You thought that meant he wasn’t interested.

                “Will you please be my date to tonight’s festivities?” He looked almost nervous.

                You couldn’t help it as your power kicked in briefly.  

                If she says no, I’ll never bother her again. I just want to see her happy.

                “I’d love to.” You smiled. “Meet me outside my room at seven?”

                “I’ll even shave for ya.” He winked.

                You felt like your heart was going to burst. This was your lucky day.  

                A few hours later you were in your dress, pacing back and forth in front of your door.  At seven exactly there was a knock.  You didn’t bother playing smooth as you yanked open the door.  There he was, flashing that smile that made you melt.

                “Don’t you look like a million bucks?” His eyes ran you up and down. “I think the Saviors are going to be jealous of me tonight.”

                He leaned down and placed a kiss on your cheek before offering you his arm.  You were practically glowing at the two of you headed down to the main room.

                There was an old boombox playing CDs and a table set out with drinks and bags of pretzels.  In the old world it would have been a poor party, but tonight it almost felt like a grand wedding.  People were mingling and laughing, the twenty-five of your seeming like a larger group than you actually were.

                “Do you want to dance?”  Negan didn’t wait for an answer as he took you on to the floor.  

                The song switched to a slow one and he held you close as you swayed back and forth.  The night only started and you hoped it would never end.  The hours passed and the drinks went down.  People started to trickle away.

                “Can I ask you something Y/N?” Negan walked you to a chair. “About your gift? We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable.”

                “Only with you.” There was no point in lying. “I know some people suspect something, after the Matt incident, but I hope they forget.  It makes them look at me funny.”

                “Your secrets are safe with me Doll.” He laughed. The pet name almost made you jump on his lap.  “Can you control it? The mind reading?”

                “For the most part.” You didn’t think anyone had ever been so direct with you about this before, not even your parents. “It was harder when I was a kid.  Sometimes I’ll get distracted and then the thoughts are just there, that’s what happened with Matt, but most of the time now I have to try to listen. I’ve learned to block it out.  Trust me, knowing what everyone is thinking makes for a lonely existence.”

                “I believe that.” Negan took your hand. “What am I thinking right now?”

                You shut your eyes and concentrated, not used to be invited in.  

                She is so beautiful. I don’t deserve someone like her. I worship the ground she walks on and am lucky I get to be in the same room as her, let alone dance with her all night.

                “I’m not that special.” You smiled. “You put on a tough exterior, but really you’re a very sweet man underneath.”

                I want to kiss you.  Negan licked his lips and narrowed his eyes. I’m going to kiss you.

                You shut your eyes as you tilted your head to the side.  His lips crashed against yours as his hands went to your waist.  He pulled you into his lap and you ran your hands down his back, parting your lips to invite his tongue inside.  He rolled into your mouth, passion filling his every move. You wanted him, God did you want him. Negan pulled his mouth away and you let out a small whimper.  

                “I don’t need to be a psychic to know what you’re thinking Doll.”  He lifted you to your feet and rose from his seat. “Let’s go back to my room.”

                He grabbed your hand and led you out of the nearly empty party.  Nobody paid you any attention as you left.  Negan ran and tugged you behind him, you appreciated his candor and were thrilled the weeks of sexual tension were coming to an end.

                There was no need to unlock his room.  He walked in first and grabbed your waist, pulling you against him and resuming the kiss as he closed the door.  You though your arms around his neck, making him lean down to your height as you returned the movements of his tongue against your own.  

                Negan used the opportunity to pick up his feet and yank off his shoes.  You’d waited long enough for the man and undid his belt before working on his fly. He moved his hands to the back of your dress and undid the zipper, letting the garment fall to the floor. You shoved his pants down and then grabbed the hem of his shirt.  

                He broke the kiss to pull his top over his head and stood in front of you completely naked.  You gasped at the size of his girth and length.

                “It’s all for you Doll.”  His mouth went straight to your neck and he undid the clasp on your bra, ripping it off.  You dropped your arms and it fell to the floor, then pushed your bare chest against his, enjoying the feeling of skin to skin contact.  His fingers went under your panties and pushed them down your thighs. You lifted your feet and slipped off both shoes in the process making you as naked as he was.  

                With a grunt he pushed you down on the bed, falling with you.  His hand started at your stomach and slid down, he probed you with a single digit, making you cry out, but you were more than ready for him.  

                “I wanted to do this since the first day I saw you.”  He repositioned himself between your legs.

                “I’ve wanted you to.”  You couldn’t finish the sentence, unsure what the next word would be.

                In one push he was in you to the hilt.  You cried out as your walls spasmed, stretching to accommodate his thick cock.  He stayed inside of you and looked down at you with heavy, hungry eyes.  You wiggled underneath him and tried to rock your body, enjoying the feeling of fullness, but needing more.  

                He responded by pulling almost the entire way out before slamming back into you.

                “Ugghh!” You arched your back, loving how complete you felt.  

                “You’re fucking perfect Doll.”  He repeated the motion, making you cry out again. “Everything about you is perfect for me.”

                His praises and thrusts were making you come apart. He kept pumping into you, making your toes curl and heart race.  The scream starting forming in the back of your throat along with the bursting coil in your core.  You came and moaned loudly at the same time, met with a grunt from Negan who exploded inside of you, his cock filling you so tightly you felt the bursts of seamen.

                It took a moment for you to catch your breath as he pulled out and rolled onto his back, pulling you against his chest onto your side in the process.  

                “I’m not on the pill.” You felt his white juices leak down your thigh.

                “I’m not going anywhere Doll.”  He stroked your arm.

                You smiled at the thought of getting pregnant with Negan’s baby, knowing the child would be protected at all costs.  There was no better father.  Then you thought about your trait being passed down.  

                “I’m not a psychic.”  You brought your hand to his chest and started running in through his patch of hair.  “I’m a Fae.”

                “My fairy princess?” Negan’s hand stopped momentarily. “I didn’t know they existed, of course, I didn’t know the dead would rise and walk around.”

                “I assume I’m the last one.”  Your eyes felt heavy with sleep. “The rest left. But if I have a child there’s a small chance it’s genetic.”

                “Inherit it from your mother?” Negan pulled you closer.

                “It skips around generations at random, from what I can tell.” You let out a yawn.  

                “Hey.” Negan grabbed your chin and tilted your head up. “I finally have you in my bed, I don’t plan on doing much sleeping.”

                He pressed his lips against yours and excitement flooded you again.  What a wonderful man he was, not seeing your gifts as a curse, but a blessing that he would pass down his own lineage.  Death may have taken the world, but that night you felt like you were in heaven.  

~~~  

               It took a while, but the flames of the fire took off. You put your pack under your head and used it as a pillow as you cuddled close to the warmth.  

                Your first night with Negan was a pleasant memory, one you would always cherish.  A smirk came to your face when you tried to count the orgasms the man gave you that night.  It wasn’t always so terrible with him.  You almost forgot that.  

                The smirk faded when the bad memories started forcing out the good ones.  You spent months ignoring the signs.  The way he was manipulating you, what he was turning the Sanctuary into.  Was it your love for the man that blinded you or were just ignorant?  Maybe you were so used to tuning people out that you only saw what you wanted to see. Now you couldn’t understand how you’d managed to ignore so much for so long.

 ~~~  

               “Y/N.  Will you come with me today?” Negan started to dress.  “Another group of survivors arrived. I was hoping you could read them for me. Can they be trusted?”

                Read them.  That was the term Negan used now.  Your group of twenty-five had doubled in the past month, and every new arrival was interviewed by Negan, most with your assistance.  You nodded as you pulled on the pair of jeans.  

                “What would I do without you?”  Negan placed a kiss on your forehead.  “Come on.”

                He took your hand as you went into the hallway. It was busy this morning.  You watched some of the people leaving their rooms, boxes in hands.

                “The population boom means less space.”  Negan put his arm around your shoulder, tucking you away from the scene. “We have to relocate people to some of the common areas.”

                “Common areas?”  You didn’t like the sound of that.  “Couldn’t we just fix up more of the space above? There’s a zillion floors.”

                “But then we’d have to make sure all of those floors got water and heat.  It makes more sense to house the people together.”  

                “How are you deciding who goes where?”  Out of the corner of your eye you swore you saw one of Negan’s fighters shove someone.  

                “It’s all done fairly.  Don’t worry Doll.”  Negan kissed the top of your head.  “I just want what’s best for everyone.”  

                You stopped at the intake area.  There were four people, all men, all of them looked exhausted.

                “Welcome to the Sanctuary gentlemen.”  Negan walked in front of them.  “Why don’t we get to know each other?”

               He asked a few basic questions while you poked around in each of their minds.  

                “Excuse me for a moment.”  Negan walked to you and signaled to step out into the hall. You obliged him.  “What’s the news cupcake?”

                You bit your lip, not knowing how to proceed.

                “Tell me, I’m a big boy.  I can take it.  I need you to help me out.”  

                “Promise you won’t hurt them?” You hated this part.

                “You know I won’t.” Negan looked at you with his big brown eyes.

                “They’re part of a bigger group.” It sickened you to listen to what they planned. “When they leave here, they’re going to come back with guns and rob the place.”  

                You folded your arms.  Negan shook his head.  

                “You know I can’t let this stand Y/N. I have to protect the people here.  I don’t like violence any more than you do, but what else am I supposed to do?”

                “I’m going to check on the garden project.” You squeezed his arm before walking away.  

                “Hey.”  He stepped forward and cupped your cheek before placing a hard kiss on your lips. “I love you.”  

                “I love you too.”  You smiled and turned.  

                Negan walked back in the room.  The echoes of the men screaming were harder to drown out than the voices inside people’s heads.  

                You waited at the top of the guard fence for Negan to get back.  Some things were on your mind that needed to be discussed.  

                Queen Bee pacing back and forth, like that will make her husband get here any sooner. The two of them are horrible enough they deserve each other.

                “Excuse me?”  You stopped dead in your tracks.  “First of all, we’re not married and we’re not bad people either.  Negan does what he does to ensure the survival of everyone here.  All two hundred of them.  What would you rather he do?  Close the gates?  Not take in any more survivors?  Is it better that people work hard for some food than to have lazy fat people inside here and dying skinny ones on the other side?”

                You spit out the speech Negan gave you when you confronted him about the new state of conditions inside the Sanctuary.  He explained that points were the only way to make it work. The guard looked stunned and you rolled your eyes, almost annoyed he hadn’t heard the rumors about Negan’s psychic girlfriend.  Before the two of you could respond the convoy returned.  You gave the guard a smug smile before heading towards the ladder and climbing down.

                With a double step you walked towards the parked trucks.  They were already starting to unload and your eyes could barely believe that amount of stuff they were hauling.  Negan walked out of the truck and spotted you, moving closer at a quick pace.

                “Y/N, what are you doing out here?” He put his arm around you. “I thought you’d be overseeing the gardening.”

                “You got all this stuff from scavenging?  In one outing?”  It was amazing.  Almost too good to be true.  

                You focused your thoughts on Negan.

                Every time I come back I swear she’s more beautiful than when I left her.  How did I get so lucky?

                “You ask yourself that a lot.”  You frowned, it no longer had the same effect on you. “I heard that you’re charging points for medicine now?”

               “We’ve been over this Doll.  Can you think of a fairer way?” Negan put his hands in his pockets. “Because I’m all ears.”  

                You didn’t want to fight, any Negan was right anyway.  With a sigh, you shook your head.

                “There’s something I want to tell you.”  You rolled your shoulder’s back about to speak when one of Negan’s soldiers came over.  

                “Sites about fifty miles away. Ninety-minute drive.” The young man didn’t pay you any attention.

                “Niko.  This is my special lady Y/N.” Negan gritted his teeth.  “Niko is new Doll.  Why don’t you say hello?”

                OH fuck. Shit fuck shit.  La la la la la la.  Wow she’s beautiful.  And smart. Negan is a lucky man.  Oh fuck fuck fuck.  He’ll kill me.  Please don’t say you heard me swear.

                “Why thank you Niko.”  You gave a huge smile and acted coy. “I’m not sure Negan would appreciate those thoughts about his lady, but you seem like a real gentleman.”

                He was coaching them.  This guy didn’t think you were beautiful or that Negan was lucky. He thought you were terrifying.  

                “What’s a ninety-minute drive?” You looked up at Negan.

               “Setting up another outpost.”  Your man grinned at you. “Going to head out tonight around nine o’clock.  What do you say me and you go have some dinner, maybe a little play time before I take off?”  

                You know what sort of play time I have in mind Doll. Negan raised his eyebrows.

                He didn’t ask what your news was and you didn’t volunteer it.  Something sneaky was going on, you had a feeling reading minds wasn’t going to be enough to get to the bottom of it.  

                When Negan left you followed him.  It was easier than you thought to climb into the back of one of the trucks.  The ninety-minute drive ended up being more than two hours.   You weren’t close enough to listen in to any thoughts and spent the entire time wondering if this was a good idea or not.  

               Part of you knew to stay in the truck, keep your eyes closed and wait for the ride home.  But then you heard Negan’s voice.  It was strong and sarcastic.  Gone was the sweet, stern, caring man you knew.  It drew you out of your hiding spot.  

                All eyes were on him as people knelt in a row. You moved along the shadows in the back, trying to get a view without being seen.  

                “This is the new world order.”  Negan swung a baseball bat. “Do you consent?  You work for us now, you work for me now.  I take half of your shit every week, I give you some added protection, and every one of you stays alive.  Is that a deal?”  

                There were some sniffles from the group in front of him.  

                “I said is that a deal?”  Negan stopped in front of one of the men. “Because if not, Lucille here could persuade you otherwise?”  

                This was where all the supplies were coming from. No.  It couldn’t be, not your Negan.   You didn’t have to read his mind to know what he was thinking, but you did it anyway.

                Look at this sorry fuck.  Just agree to it anyway so I can get my ass home and back in bed.  This group will probably be dead in a month anyway. Should’ve just had Simon wipe them out and take their inventory.  What a waste of my fucking time.

                You brought your hand to your mouth and bit back a scream.  The last few months flashed before your eyes.  Negan was playing you.  Everything he said was fake.  He knew how to trick and manipulate and you were his first target.  

                Numbness and sorrow filled your body as you backed up away from the scene and into the trees.  You kept your head down and walked in a straight line, with no purpose or goal, your heartbreaking as you wished to be back in your bedroom with your Godmother.  

                The sound of the engine kicking over was distant. The Saviors were going home without you. That meant you had at least a four-hour head start.  Your hand went to your stomach.  

                Given the option, you would have made the same choice. There was always a fear that your child would have a monster for a parent.  You always assumed the monster would be you since that’s what a fairy was when it boiled down to it.  And you had been the last few months, but no more.  

                You promise your child and yourself that as you took off into the woods, looking to start a new all over again.

 ~~~  

               That memory usually gave you strength, but you were barely three months along and needed to get more food.

                “Soon.”  You rubbed your stomach.  “We’ll stop running soon.  I promise.”

               You were so tired, and the fire felt like a warm blanket, encasing you and keeping you safe from the world.  Sleep was about to overtake you when a twig snapped, popping your eyes open.

                “Legend says that the Fae were by-products of a war between Heaven and Hell.  They served neither side and both at the same time making them too bad for Heaven and too good for Hell.  The perfect definition of a neutral being.”  Negan’s voice brought a tear to your eye. “I’ve been studying up ever since I met you Doll.”

                He walked out of the tree-line and your lips quivered.

                “Don’t be sad.  I’m here to take care of you, and our baby.”  He stepped towards and you bent down, almost becoming eye level with you. “I’ve missed you Doll.”  

                “I’ve missed you too.”  You felt horrible admitting that tidbit. “But you hurt people.  You steal and kill and…”

                “And keep my people alive and fed and sheltered.” He rubbed your head, pushing your hair back. “Maybe I do some bad things, so I can do more good.  Have you ever thought about that?”  

                “Every day.”  You curled into his hand, wanting more of him. “But I can’t justify your decisions.  You were so kind when I met you.”

                “Have I ever been unkind to you?  Will I ever harm our baby?  You’re probably doing more damage, not eating or sleeping enough. What if it rains?  Who will help you when you’re in labor?”

                “I’ll figure it out.”  Your voice shook.

                “Shhhh.”  He scooped his arms underneath you and brought you to his chest. “Let me take care of you.  You’re my fairy princess.”

                The tears started to roll down your cheeks and you felt a weight lift off your chest as his lips pushed against yours. You shut your eyes and in that moment you were back at the party in the Sanctuary, idealistic and eager for the new world.  

                “I love you Doll.  Never forget that.”  

                “But…you’re a monster.”  You tried to focus on the people in the lineups faces. “How many people have you murdered?”

                “Aren’t we all monsters in a way?”  Negan kissed your cheek. “You be my monster and I’ll be yours?  We make an unstoppable team.”

                You wanted to give in and your head started to nod without your consent.  Then he lifted you in the air and you felt at peace as he walked you away from the fire and sleep finally came too.  

~~~  

               The sun rose and you blinked your eyes open.  The only view in front of you was the snuffed out fire.  Your stomach rumbled and side ached from sleeping on the hard ground.  Every night a vision of Negan came for you, and every morning reality returned.  

                Running was the right thing.  At least that’s what you told yourself as you readied to continue moving.  After all, the world was death and everyone belonged on a side.

[ediebirdette]

OK, the baby’s here: Now where the bloody hell have I gone?!

Nobody can really explain what it’s like. Losing yourself when you have a baby, that is. 

I remember one of my favourite bloggers saying she didn’t feel fully back to herself for a year after her first son was born. In my naive, first-trimester state, I thought this was ludicrous, and my heart ached for her. How terrible it seemed to me that she’d suffered through the dreaded “baby fog” for that long. And voila, here I am, having walked around with the same black cloud over my head for as long as my baby has been in my arms: six testing, arduous, beautiful months.

Days after giving birth, I marvelled at how flat my stomach was. I’ve never had a completely flat stomach, much to my teenage self’s dismay, and never will. It’s just not something the women in my family have ever got out of the gene pool. I remember finally the finding the courage to look at my body in the mirror, and I was met with the slimmest version of myself since I was sixteen and post first heartbreak. I’d carried small, often mistaken for barely far along or not pregnant at all, but I wasn’t expecting to suddenly be in a body so different. I think it was this unforeseen revelation that had me in knee high boots, a floral dress and my leather jacket five days post-partum. I wrongly thought I’d bounced back* and that I’d spend my days of early motherhood with make up applied, sporting something from the drawer of mumsy but vintage-style dresses, pushing along my tiny new baby in his trendy Cosatto buggy. I did that, for that day, with my boyfriend and parents in tow. People marvelled at how good I looked considering my baby was so new. One woman even spat, “how dare you look like that!” at me in a lift when I told her how long I’d been out of hospital. But low and behold, my rose tinted strength and put togetherness soon dissolved, and I felt like I’d been hit straight in the face (and vagina) by a bus going over the speed limit.

Many things came as a shock. I stopped writing, I read people’s texts and left them unanswered, I became obsessed with doing the laundry and keeping the house clean and arguing with my boyfriend over it because it was the only bloody thing in my life I had control over. I was suddenly hyperaware of the way I sounded and acted around people. I felt flat and boring and sad, so I just hid. I’d gone from an easygoing, social butterfly who liked to write and just happened to be carrying a baby, to the opposite as soon as he was out of my body. Now, I was aware of some of the changes that would occur: the lack of sleep, the nappies, the hours spent breastfeeding, the lack of sex. Concerning the latter, it came as no surprise to me that my sex life did change. Apart from a pregnancy scare when Teddy was six weeks old (eek!), the sex drive I had pre-pregnancy decided to disappear during my third trimester and didn’t return with the same vigour it once had. The combination of leaking boobs, a baby who may wake at any moment and physical and mental exhaustion doesn’t exactly get me in the mood. Sleep is all I can think about most of the time, and since month number four came along and threw all good sleeping habits out of the window, I’m lucky if I get more than a couple of hours at a time, or spend any of it without the baby in our bed.

As a young woman, who adores pin-up style and expressing her sexuality (I will return to burlesque one of these days), I know that I rest a lot on how attractive people find me. Too much. Losing sight of myself post-partum has turned me into a paranoid, insecure, warped version of myself who regularly dreams about being cheated on and thinks her boyfriend would rather sleep with every single other woman than her, especially the ones whose photos he likes on Instagram. Having him tell me he “isn’t that bothered” about my boobs (even though I get it, he’s right in saying they do belong to the baby right now) and the confidence scales in me tip all the way over. On more than one occasion, I have burst into tears just from looking at myself in the mirror. To say I don’t like the way I look would be a colossal understatement (yay!). 

However, talking about this often leaves me feeling riddled with guilt or like my worries are vain and trivial. Yes, I KNOW I grew a human and pushed it out and my body did an amazing, incredible, wondrous thing. I just don’t like looking at it. So much of the conversation is around the baby who is now in the world, and how this little blessing should make up for all of the negative, sad, dark feelings you have about yourself and your new way of life. When you give your all (and then some) to a tiny little human who relies on you for everything, at all hours of the day and night, you lose sight of yourself and what you need. Suddenly, the needs for another need to be tended to, but what I didn’t realise is just how much more love and attention I needed, and still need, from others but also myself. PSA: Asking for help as a new mum is so, so important, and I really haven’t done enough of it. I keep all these feelings close to my chest and just expect people to pick up on it (and buy me Lush bath bombs).

I know I’ll be back soon. There will be a day, or probably a series of days (or weeks) where I’ll feel a little more like me, and I’ll look back at this period in my life as something that defines the woman I’ll go onto be. I’ve never been afraid of getting lost within myself, because I enjoy the discovery and reinvention required to get back to that happy place of self acceptance. I’m returning to work at the end of next month, I’ve made the decision to stop breastfeeding exclusively once I’m back so I have my boobs back and a little more time for myself (YAY!), I’m going to put my feet back in a pair of trainers and move my body more, and the words “let’s actually start dance lessons” have been heard coming out of my boyfriend’s mouth (now THAT gets me in the mood). 

One step at a time. (Baby steps, if you will.)

*FYI, I don’t think us mothers bounce back. We don’t retreat into who we were before, as that’s impossible now that we’ve gone through this huge, beautiful life-altering change. Maybe we transcend forward. I think that’s much better.

Left photo from back when I was newly twenty-one, and very much the social butterfly.

[whenimgoodandready]

What up Starlings! 

O.M.G! That TV movie was AWESOME! Damn! All that magic and sadness and death! F*ck! This is what keeps me coming back! Did you guys miss me? (bats lashes). Well, here, in my new and improved reviews, you’ll be seeing A LOT more of these in the Fall. Like the new frames? Cute huh, I’m adding in pictures like I said. The new theme song opening looks good and we almost have all of Team Star in the end! (I’m waiting for Jackie, Alfonzo, Ferguson and Starfan13 to show up) and I’ve been reblogging promos and countdowns til the Season 3 premiere! Now, since The Battle for Mewni is a mass up of the first four episodes of Season 3 (Three 2 11-minute segments and a half hour one), I’ll be splitting them in groups. This’ll be a long one, so Enjoy! 

*Return to Mewni-The beginning starts off where we last left off, Marco has fallen into a depression over Star gone and has become Miss Havisham and leaving the party decorations still up. Poor guy. Star was seeing the whole thing with her wand and once she came back to Mewni, she and her mother were dragging the Magic High Commissions dead bodies as balloons. That’s some dark comedy sh*t right there. They were on their way to a sanctuary where they’ll be revived (minus Lekmet). Unfortunately, the fritz was at it again and practically all magic is gone. Even the magic well springs that was supposed to bring the commission back is corrupted and Moon tries to stop Star from using her wand since she thinks its linked with the shard piece on Ludo’s hand now. It’s getting serious. Moon has no plan other than keeping Star outta harms way and hiding while carrying around Toffees finger, but Star gets upset by that saying they should just go out and fight Toffee. Moon says it’s too dangerous, but Star isn’t having any of it and tries to leave. Star sure is brave since this is the evil genius who almost killed Marco, but she thinks it’ll be easy like how she “finished him off” before, but it’s serious now. What we also learn here is Toffee killed Moons mother! Yes, the promo spoiled it for us, but yeah, he did. He killed Skywynne. Star only got the “dead dog farm” story of it, but now she knows. We also learn that Eclipsa, the Queen Formally Known As Spades, is alive! And that Moon made a deal with her! Yes, that was spoiled in the promo too, but damn it! We the fandom were starving for svtfoe!. Also, some one with eyes of a hawk saw that from “Crystal Clear”, so yeah.

*Moon the Undaunted-In here, we get the backstory on Moon when she was Stars age. Huh, looks like Skywynne wasn’t her mother (she had Butterfly cheek marks whereas Skywynnes was hourglasses). Well, that was a surprise to me. I didn’t see her in the tapestry room or the book (Star and Marco’s Guide to Mastering Every Dimension), but then again, either was that bunny girl. I don’t know how this family tree works. Anyways, her mother was already dead and she is now the new Queen. So much pressure on her as she doesn’t know what to do, so the commission tries to help. One half yells they should go to war with the monsters whereas the other half yells to sign the peace treaty with the monsters (and others yell just for the yelling of it) Finally, a young River says they should just let Moon decide what to do (FYI, he’s the only one on her side). Some dude named Count Mildrew says she should be grieving at this time, but she says she’ll decide later. I know the feeling of being put on the spot and not knowing what to say, especially if the people won’t shut up about it. It wasn’t pretty. There was this tiny love triangle goin’ on with Mildrew/Moon/River, but we know who the victor was (that Mildrew guy was so dramatic). She has Rhombulus take her to Eclipsas’s crystal imprisonment (I don’t know how they caught her when she fled with her monster lover or even where he is), so she can tell her how to do the dark spell, but if she does destroy her enemy (Note:Aim at the heart), Eclipsa will be free. Unsure about it, but desperate to get revenge for her mother, Moon agrees to it. Eclipsa was voiced by Esmé Bianco for those of you in the Game of Thrones fandom and like one fan suggested, she was the sweet and polite perky goth type. Is she really evil? We don’t know? Alls I know is she has black/purple veins on her arms hence the gloves (Moon gained those too when she made the deal which why she had the gloves too) and was stuck in the crystal for three centuries! Moon then goes over to enemy territory and asks for The General. Toffee was The General! TOFFEE WAS THE GENERAL! TOFFEE WAS THE GENERAL! Damn! No wonder he was boss-like! Before the peace treaty could be signed by Moons mother with the monster king, Toffee went rogue and killed the Queen. Don’t know why, but he did. When the monsters refuse to leave, Moon casts the dark spell and blasts Toffee’s heart finger!………yeah, she missed. (clap) That’s (clap) why (clap) he (clap) can’t (clap) grow (clap) it (clap), back! Once that happens, the monsters freak out and scurry away and Toffee just angrily walks away. Back then, the wand was in one piece, so the monsters had something to fear. Especially in the hands of someone capable. After that, Moon had to give up her teenhood and take responsibility as Queen making her the stern and mature woman she is now. Poor girl.

———————————–

*Book be Gone-In the end of the first hour of the TV movie, Ludo’s girls (eagle and spider) return to him and bring him tacos. Here’s what I’m confused about, how the Hell did they get to Mewni when they were last seen on Earth at the taco place last season? Seriously, how!?. Ludo wakes up and finds his wand now a part of his hand. For those of you who forgot, Toffee possessed him and killed off the Magic High Commission, so he’s left with a hangover from all that. We also find out that Glossaryck is still around! Ludo Toffee had told him to hide and he was now (and throughout the rest of that time) trying to roast pudding over a fire…………..you know, if I were him, I’d just jab a stick through the pudding cup and have boiling bubbling chocolate soup! But he was doin’ it the hard way. He tells Ludo “he (Ludo)” defeated the commission and wants to document it in the spellbook (ignoring his wand hand on goin’ after The Butterfly Castle). However, the spellbook resists Ludo trying to write in it, no matter how hard he tries. Apparently, he doesn’t own the book anymore (Toffee does since he’s now a part of Ludo, but he doesn’t know about it still). After being blasted by the book and walking hundreds and hundreds of lands to get back, Glossaryck says to just talk to the book……..XD THAT PART WAS HILARIOUS! He failed to understand the concept of “turning this car around” and was being so sincere and sweet with it. At first, I thought the book would actually talk back, but it turns out, XD Glossaryck was just screwing with him like he always does! Pissed off about it, he throws the book into the fire destroying it ALONG WITH GLOSSARYCK! AND HE SAW IT COMMING! (okay, so during the hiatus, I found out Glossaryck sees into the future which is why I think he’s so unfeeling and a trickster. There’s no surprise in life for him, so he makes them himself!). Toffee gained control of Ludo again to watch him burn and afterwards, Ludo was sad to see Glossaryck go. So now, we have another character dead. Damn! Well, he wasn’t really my fav character (or in the top five), so good-bye Glossaryck. His wand hand gestures to Butterfly Castle again and Ludo decides to attack it. Don! Don! Don!

*Marco and the King-With the castle under King Rivers watch, he spends the whole time partying with his subjects. Wake up, dive in pool, twirl glow sticks, chair wrestle with monkey, lather, rinse, repeat. Dude, your wife and daughter are out and possibly in danger and you’re throwing a castle party!? WTF!? But then I found out why (it’s his coping mechanism for his worries). Marco shows up with his dimensional scissors (which he oh so earned from “Running with Scissors” and getting over his depression) to give Star her fav cereal. Really Marco? That’s why you showed up? Are you sure it’s not cuz you miss her and not cuz you want her to have a nutritious balanced breakfast? And did he tell his friends, Jackie or even his parents where he’s goin? Do they even know he’s gone? IDK? He sees that with River partying all the time, he’s failed to see that his kingdom and people are living in filth and disaster as well as a monster outside of it! He tries to shoo away the monster, but that just makes him come toward him as the people freak out and call River out on being a lousy king. River then goes through his depression. Marco tries to ask where Moon and Star are (cuz he still doesn’t the know the danger that’s goin’ on), but apparently, they never told him where they were goin! WTF IS UP WITH THE BUTTERFLIES KEEPING EVERYONE IN THE DARK!? Okay, yes, an evil genius lizard guy possessing a little bird man with a magic wand hand is scary and you don’t want them to freak out, but you have to at least tell your husband! So Marco tells him to buck up and take charge since he’s all they have now. River gives his people a sort of Kings Speech and tells his subjects that they don’t need magic/weapons to stop the monster that’s getting closer now cuz they’re all great at whatever they do (huh, sounds like Stars speech to her classmates over the whole possum thing). This time, they cheer and charge toward the monster. River stands against it and it turns out, the monsters bad at reading hand gestures thinking the king asked him to “come here” instead of “go away”. Womp! Womp! Womp! XD That was hilarious too! Seeing it was a misunderstanding, the monster annoyingly walks away. River decides to throw one last party to celebrate all of them and they’re love for him returns………..then Ludo shows up!

————————————

*Puddle Defender-Back to Star and her mother, they were still in the sanctuary, but the place got flooded up by the black goo from the magic well springs and were forced to leave the Magic High Commission to escape. With no safe place, Star decides to bring her mother and herself to Buff Frogs to crash. Moon was unsure about it since he’s a monster, but Star says he’s on their side. Buff Frog heard rumors that Ludo took over Butterfly Castle, but Star corrects him saying he’s actually Toffee possessing him. Moon refuses to have Star and herself leave to see if King River is okay and to stay put. Star secretly tells Buff Frog to distract her mother while she escapes to save her kingdom. He does so by playing board games (in a magical parody style of Hasbro gamings) with her. Can I just say how weird it is that Mewni has some modern things despite their dimension being medieval? I mean, they had vending machines WAY BACK during Eclipsa’s time (which was like Victorian era) and not to mention that Quest Buy place!? And yet, Star had no idea what a light switch was!? WTF!? During the game, Moon and Buff Frog get into a heated argument about which one of them is the “bad guy” of their people with Moon saying she’s actually scared for her husband and daughter trying to keep her safe and ends it by saying Buff Frog doesn’t understand cuz he’s not a good parent. OOOOOOH! Bad idea Moon, bad idea. Buff Frog gets offended by that cuz he reminds her he has tadpoles that he’s worried about them and to prove his parental status, he rats out Star JUST AS SHE WAS OUT THE DOOR and he and Moon send her upstairs. Star gets upset by all this and wants out, but Buff Frog had a security system put up (did he make it by hand or buy it?). However, the tadpoles, (who have now grown arms except Katrina) help her escape from a secret hatch in their room. Out of all of them, Katrina gained speech, but hadn’t told her father yet. They say they escape to go clubbing (uh, kids, how old are you guys?). When Katrina asks what Stars plan is, she says she’ll just wing it………..okay, as slightly mature as Star is now that she’s learned not to run away from her problems and to just face them, but charging in is still not a good plan! So she heads forth to her (former) castle………..possibly to her doom.

*King Ludo-With Ludo now king, he had River and Marco shackled in the dungeon while he fails at gaining the love from the Mewmens as his subjects. His merchandise isn’t even selling! (you know, Ludo, if the Mewmens won’t buy any of that stuff, we the fandom would be OH SO happy to take it off your hands, I mean, after all, we’re on the third season right now and we still got nothing out of it, all I have is the book! WE NEED THAT SH*T!). Ludo then goes over to River and gives him 24 hours to decide if he’ll help him or not at forcing the Mewmens to love him. Marco escapes through his shackles (Ludo had butter to slip the key around his neck that he left behind), but leaves River (he ate the butter >:( ). Marco goes through the air vent (yes, they have that on Mewni too) and crawls through until he gets to the royal bedroom. There he finds the castle entertainers: Ruberiot (Hello, Patrick Stump!), Fool Duke and a Mime. They tell him that since Ludo took over, they’ve been hiding around the castle and only come out when Ludo’s not around to eat/bathe/sleep in the royal bedroom. Marco tells them that they should do something about Ludo, but they’re just artists who all hate each other (well, Ruberiot and Fool Duke mostly, cuz they (and Ludo) say that only the Mime is an “artistic genius”. You know how on tvtropes.org they say Everybody Hates Mimes, fu*ck that, this one’s cool). When Ludo catches Marco, he quickly puts on a Ludo mask (which like every other merch of them was a “no sell”) pretending to be an entertainer, the others follow suit and distract Ludo with a song about how great he is while Marco tries to get the key around Ludo’s neck. Ruberiot and Fool Duke get into a fight and Ludo tries to seize them, but they escape (they got the key!). They return to River only for him to say that he wants to stay by his people. The entertainers escape through the sewers while Marco pretends to still be shackled and Ludo takes away River. Marco then escapes through the sewer too. River refuses to obey Ludo’s orders and so Ludo levitates him away (it’s the only spell he knows) in the sky! Is he dead too!? WHY IS EVERYBODY DYING!? Now the Mewmens fearfully are forced to love Ludo. Marco then tells the entertainers it’s now time to fight! WHOOP! WHOOP!

————————————

*Toffee-Ludo continues to rule over Mewni and forces them to love even goin’ as far as putting up portraits of his “greatness” and having choir kids sing about it. Until, his wand hand levitates them into the sky. (sigh) another one bites the dust (what’s the matter Toffee, don’t like good music?). Are you guys keeping a death count in this cuz I think I counted six. Anyway, Star attacks Ludo (in a rat suit) demanding to know where her father is, but his spider retrains her (I had a dream days before the TV movie premiered that Star was tied up, and now, it happened! Weird, I have like psychic dream powers!). Star tries to tell Ludo that his wand hand (which she is now discovering) is Toffee controlling him, but he ignores her and throws her in the dungeon (he actually wanted to kill her, but his wand hand said otherwise). A guy in a mouse suit comes in and rescues her. IT’S MARCO! (huh, guess it wasn’t so stupid wearing an animal costume to attack since Marco thought of it too. Great minds think a-like!). After months of no starco (for us fans that is) ✨they’re reunited at last!✨🎶Reunited and it feels so good, reunited cuz you understood🎶 They don’t bring up the whole crush thing cuz they got more important stuff to deal with. She isn’t all that worried about her dad (he’s been through worse, but uh, Star, HE COULD BE DEAD!) and Marco calls up the entertainers saying they’ve become Le Resistance! Before they all could put they’re plan into action (which wasn’t really that good), Ludo shows up and shackles the resistance, but takes Star with him. He tells her she’s right about his wand hand controlling him and wants Toffee out cuz he’s freaked out by it! Star sees he’s serious and redoes The Whispering Spell! Buff Frog and Moon show up to rescue Marco, but leave behind the resistance (they really weren’t much help) and go find Star. She had already finished The Whispering Spell and 💥BOOM!💥 tower blows up! Marco, Moon and Buff Frog look through the remains and find Ludo, but with Star speaking through him. She’s inside the wand! The inside of the wand was filled with black goo! (Wait! Hold up! Daron, how does this wand thing work!? I mean, we’ve seen it as a treadmill for unicorns, an apartment for Stars spells and a memory world, but now a pool full of black goo!? Is it cuz of the corruption!? Even if I have the book I still don’t get it!). Star loses contact with her Moon and the pool makes a giant form of Toffee! (you know, on the day of the premiere, I was at the La Brea tar pits looking at black goo and then I come home to see this black goo. Wow! Crazy coincidence). He tells Star that the black goo is dark magic with a few golden glowing bits of good magic left………which are slowly disappearing! Toffee talks through Ludo to Moon and says he’ll give Star back in exchange for his finger which she agrees to. Once that happens, Ludo forms into Toffee back in one piece and barfs out Ludo (ew!). Unfortunately, the transformation destroyed the shard piece on Toffees hand leaving Star dead! (Hey Death! Scratch another one off your list!). Toffee doesn’t care about that and walks off. Wait, was this his plan all along? ALL THAT just so he could get his finger back!? Or did he want to make Moon suffer like he did before!? What a heartless bastard! (although I’m real happy to have seen him in his normal form with his fancy business suit again! ;) ). The good magic is gone and either Moons dark spell or Marco giving him a power punch can stop him. (Toffee you are just too cool!). It’s still heart wrenching though that they’re miserable with Star gone. Poor Ludo, he even felt bad that throughout all this (since Season 2) he had no part in being powerful other than a vessel :’(. Btw, where was Toffee goin’ cuz I was kinda curious on that. Star was still in the black goo when she sees the last bit of glowing gold good magic! It kept disappearing and reappearing to Star until she sees it at the bottom and drowns! Moon desperately tries to piece the shards ashes onto the wand, but it was no good. Sad, real sad. Star wakes up in an empty black room with Glossaryck and a pot of boiling stew. Star asks if they’re dead, but Glossaryck doesn’t know (you know, this reminds me of when Harry Potter and Dumbledore were in that empty white room place unsure if they were dead too). Are they dead? Cuz it looked to me that way, there was an insane number of deaths in this TV movie! Star sees the last bit of good magic deep in the bottom of the stew and realizes that Glossaryck is testing her again (was he though?), so she dips down! Good magic returns and it fills up the magic well springs reviving the Magic High Commission! The wand flies up and forms into a whole piece again with Star doing a transformation sequence (A-la, Sailor Moon style) in her golden mewberty form! With that power up, she blasts Toffee! She powers down to normal and everyone is thrilled to have her back. Awwwwww. Toffee, as a skeleton covered in melting black goo (well this sure got passed the radar for a kids show), tries to stop him again only to be finished off by Ludo! Yes, Ludo! By pushing a pillar on him. Soooooooooo, Toffee is officially “gone”! (I’m gonna miss him……..again!). Ludo then has Star throw him back into the abyss to find himself again (I don’t blame him, all this time he thought he was finally competent on his own when really it was all Toffee). Does this mean we’ll have a “Ludo in the Wild Part 2”?. He let’s his eagle and spider go free and Star throws him away into the abyss again (with chips). In the end, eagles descend and bring in the choir kids and King River! Turns out, there was an eagle kingdom up there where he became a king there too! Damn, that’s like double royalty! All is happy and well until Moon remembers Eclipsa and goes to check up on her. Remember kids, if Toffee dies, she’ll be free. Moon is relived she’s still crystallized and leaves. She really didn’t want Eclipsa out due to her being “evil”, but the crystal cracked! Don! Don! Don!

Okay people, I got a confession to make, I KNEW NOBODY WOULD ACTUALLY DIE IN THE SHOW! C’MON, I saw the new intro and everybody was there! The only one that actually died was Toffee (still sucks cuz he’s a fan favorite), so I was just acting like it was a big deal to spice up the review! Lol! They wouldn’t kill off the main character like that! What kind of show is that!? So what happened here is this: The Magic High Commission is back (minus Lekmet), Eclipsa will be busting out soon and we’ll be getting her backstory, Ludo is redeemed (I think) and Toffee is officially dead dead! Personally, I don’t really believe he’s dead, cuz he’s too cool of a badass villain (and I’m sure Daron knows that too) to just be killed off like that so quickly, but if he’s not dead, then there would be no other reason why Eclipsa would be coming back. So now that that whole battle is over, does that mean Star will be goin’ back to Earth or stay in Mewni for more queen training? Well, the Season 3 intro looked to be set in Mewni, so it’s the latter and that means Marco will be playing the role of the “foreign exchange student” now. More importantly, how are they gonna continue they’re friendship with an open one-sided crush!? I mean, the blood moon was in the intro too, so I’m guessing that’ll be brought up again cuz I wanna hear what they have to say about the whole soul bonding thing! And how the Hell did Janna end up in Mewni? Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many questions still left uncovered! And Heinous! OMG! She’s gonna be up to something too. Fall could not come any slower than this, but you’ll be seeing me and my new reviews once again and it’s gonna be fun! Reviews is what I do ;). I absolutely ❤️LOVE❤️ the new outro theme music! So Sailor Moon-esque. I know Daron was inspired by that show to make svtfoe since it’s from her childhood and so was mine <3. Thank you, Daron and keep up the good work! I’ll be around! See you guys in the Fall!

[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

The Great ATOG Reread; Grey part 2

Well, this is different.

Chapter 5

She flexes her hands, and doesn't lower her head. "I just held him. Just for a second, I just used telekinesis to - he always thinks he can walk out as soon as he wan-" "You -" Oh god no. "Jesus. Jesus, don't ever do that, what the hell were you -"

I. FUCKING. HATE. HER.

I AM LITERALLY SHAKING WITH RAGE, JUST LIKE PHALANX. I KNOW HE’S AFRAID OF HIMSELF, BUT AT THIS MOMENT I WISHED HE’S BLASTED HER HEAD OFF.

I know she will redeem herself, and she will even be a great friend to both of them (fuck, even Santana will redeem herself), but I am getting so tired of her attitude. I am getting so tired that she is satisfied by watching people hurt. 

Just FYI, if you’re reading this, with ATOG and the first four chapters of Grey, I read them on my eReader (going against my ‘no fic on my eReader’ rule, but then again, these two are completely different stories), and then write posts afterwards. I have the actual fic open on a different tab so that I can copy quotes and shit. Because of that, I clicked the “part 5″ link and I guess chapter 5 will be a liveblog?

Anyway, back to Quinn. I will end up loving everyone on that team, including Quinn and Satan (heh), since they will redeem theirselves and they have a valid reason for their behaviour, and I am all for character growth and giving them a chance, and they will take that chance, but that still doesn’t really excuse that these two women bullied them.

"Sidekicks should be seen and not heard."

I mean, really. As a feminist, Quinn of all people should know that this is not acceptable. Change ‘Sidekicks’ to ‘Women’ and we can talk about a shit ton of history of opression and wow, Quinn would delve on that cause she’s feminist as fuck.

The conversation/fight she has with Agent Sylvester and the Ghost is the first step to redeeming herself (and to unraveling the secret)

And she stares back at him quivering with rage, but he sees the second of something else behind her eyes, because he knows every nuance of fear, every facet of it, he is as fluent in fear as in French . . .

Quinn, I love you, but you are not stronger than him.

The evening is a bit weird after that. Quinn is reserved, and as a reader you know why. Santana is bitching, but tell me something new. Phalanx is once again asking for a ‘normal’ evening, right after he got to Blaine problem no. #1. He’s not a sidekick.

(Really, I should list these problems. OKaY. For future reference, the sidekick thing and everything involved is Blaine’s problem no. #1, the want for normal non-hero shit is no. 2#. Kurt losing grip of his powers is Kurt’s problem no. #1)

It's never been like this. He didn't know it was supposed to be like this. He wants to kiss him but he doesn't want to break the dance, he doesn't want it to end, not ever, the warmth of his breathing body in Phalanx's arm and his hand given to his. He wants to say, Do you understand how rare this is - ? but he thinks that he knows that, the Ghost who never even asked to be in love, wouldn't have thought to ask to be loved, he knows that. How many people do you meet, and how many could ever know you to dance like this, slow and trusting like there's nothing but the way they move and the way the music moves them, nothing but the safety of the other's body, and the Ghost's arm tucking him closer by the waist, the Ghost's hip against his with each step because they know.

For the first time, they dared to show a little bit of themselves and their relation in front of the team.

Chapter 6

Well, I’m on a roll now.

AND HOLY SHIT GUESS WHAT’S BACK? THE FUCKING FANDOM. I can’t tell you if I’ve missed them or not.

Well, I sure as fuck did miss Draxie, BB, and Ghostly. What a way to reintroduce them. Draxie is cheerful and bubbly, talking about drabbling. BB isn’t even online, but someone recs her fic. And Ghostly is mentioned because people are afraid of her, but shit son, she’s right with her meta about entitlement.

Blaine grunts, still scrolling. Damned fandom, it's a full-time job just to keep up with it . . .

He’s right, though. He braces himself for the meta, and oh, how I missed Ghostly.

P&G: Because they, the idiot ignorant children, fetishize homosexuality in the most contorted and disturbing way possible. Because they're fine with him being gay - happy that he's gay, since they can use his name and form for all their little m/m fantasies on a whole different level of appropriation now. But how dare he, human being in his own life, how *dare* he not conform to strict gender stereotypes at the same time. He's perfectly well allowed to be gay, as long as he does it the 'right way'. God forbid he be any kind of queer that disturbs them, though. TV: There was a lot of negativity.

P&G: They don't want to see a male hero stand in a 'feminine' pose. It demeans him. It makes him less heroic.

But wait, there’s more

P&G: I have a rant brewing, if that's what you mean. The fandom entitlement complex links into fandom sexism in a really strange and powerful way. Because fandom feels like it *owns* its figures of fetishization; they are what they are because we made them that. There is an enormous sense of ownership, like they're just the scaffolding, *we* construct who they are. And of course, they can't live up to that. They're real people, not our dolls. And when they fail to live up to our particular construction we either ignore the facts and go on as before or else we get *really fucking angry*. How *dare* they be actual human beings. They're supposed to be *my doll*, not any real person. Especially not any complicated real person! They should be as simple as possible because I can't conceptualize more than three personality traits in my head at any one time, I am *actually* that dumb! TV: Ahem. Plus we live in a patriarchal society and we construct our dolls along the strict and misogynist gender lines given to us, which oversimplifies them in very dangerous ways.

The entire ‘dolls’ thing is still a thing I use to descibe how I feel about fandom and RPF shipping. I love you, Ghostly, for that brilliant metaphor.

This is not a hero/sidekick relationship. They have strengths and weaknesses and they complement each other. They actually are, in every sense of the word, partners.

Oh boy, if only more of the fandom would get this. It would save Blaine all the shit from problem 1#.

And oh shit.

Time for a...

Blaine's hit back from the post he was on - no way in hell he'll read all that text - and while he's been asleep the fandom's . . . "Oh Jesus." he mutters, and rubs his forehead. "Blaine, what?" "There, um, I don't know, something . . ."

Wankfest.

A human being, scared for real reasons in a genuinely scary world, came to us to reach out for another human being to not feel alone. You bullied them into deleting their blog within a matter of hours. Well *done*, fandom. This really is the grossest mockery of everything that the Ghost and Phalanx, unlike you, actually bother to do. Which is to think about someone else and not just themselves for every single second of every fucking day. The _1_and_only, if you do see this, fuck all of them; they don't know what courage means, they're both too stupid and too spineless to understand the concept. Not all people are like them. When you ask people for help, sometimes they will not be ugly self-absorbed morons, sometimes they will try to *help* you. The Ghost and Phalanx taught us that if nothing else. I hope that you're well, and good luck with your life and your powers. If your power turns out to be the ability to smack people at a great distance, I advise you to not be afraid to use it as much as you fucking need. And now I'm getting a drink because fandom can, very seriously, go fuck itself.

You also get someone shitting on Draxie? I mean, people shitting on Ghostly is just, well, ‘normal’, but this is Draxie and - wow, no surprises, it’s about entitlement. Did. They. Not. Read. That. Meta?

Blaine sits in his desk chair feeling strange and sad, while Kurt takes his post-aikido nap on the bed. He'd had to lie to him, earlier, after swallowing his own shock, because he doesn't know what it would do to Kurt of all people to find out that people were being abused on the internet in some weird way on his behalf. And he'd looked really honestly scared at what Blaine might have been stunned by online, Kurt doesn't understand and isn't entirely comfortable with the Ghost's fans and he'd had no idea what they might have done, in his mind it could be anything and it's really not like Blaine could tell him the truth . . .

But really, guys, doesn’t it fuck you up?

Doesn’t it fuck you up that people fight and hurt on behalf of their idols because ‘they love them’? 

I never got that. I remember when Heather Morris fans were bashing Darren, because they loved Hemo. Or when Darren fans bashed Dianna. BECAUSE THEY LOVE DARREN? And so on. We do not know anything about their off-social media relationship.

People in fandoms hurt and harrass people on behalf of their idols.

BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEM.

Jesus.

Phalanx . . . it's different in difficult ways when it's him and not Blaine. People talk about Phalanx and he mostly lets it run off his back, he knows it's nothing to do with him, really. He knows the way they talk about the Ghost is nothing to do with Kurt, after all. He lets himself keep the good things. He knows that every time they say that the Ghost is brave and strong and good and beautiful it's true, so he lets himself keep the good things they say about Phalanx, and he tries to ignore the rest. Haters gonna hate. But it must be so hard to ignore them when they're saying it right to you, safe behind a computer screen's shield. How can it be okay to say that to someone just because you don't have to look into their eyes and see the person they actually are, the person you're actually hurting . . . ?

The phandom bashes the Ghost, because they love Phalanx.

The fanghosts bash Phalanx, because they love the Ghost.

And this will all lead to the combination of Blaine problem 1# and 2#. 1#, because why can’t people see they’re equal and that this isn’t hero/sidekick and 2#, because how can he stand it that people use his hero identity to hurt others?

Kurt might feel bad for leaving New York City astray, but Blaine can’t handle leaving the fandom astray.

[debatablyblind]

Preface: I was supposed to take this trip with the one and only Katie Paolano, but about 5 days before the trip she had to get her appendix removed :( SO I brought my dad instead. I wanted to do a write up on this trip because initial planning was relatively blind and definitely could have used some help/direction since I had never been out here before.

Day 1:

We took a 7 AM flight from JFK to SLC on Tuesday and landed around 10 AM Mountain Time. Flight was smooooooth and the free Delta snack mix rocked even in the early hours of the day (Always fly Delta- I am a die hard supporter). After landing in SLC we took the shuttle over to FOX rental car and waited foreverrrrr to get our Jeep... It was worth it in the end but me being exhausted and impatient, I struggled to sit still in the creepy check in area.

Once we got the car my Dad and I headed out to get some food in Salt Lake City before making moves up to Jackson Hole. We stopped at this Mexican place that was on Diners Drive-In’s and Dives and it was DROOL worthy, definitely go if you have time— it was called Red Iguana and it is the most authentic Utah Mexican food in the whole world. We got a bunch of different tacos, but the carnitas tacos were fireeeee (the guac tacos were overrated).

We then proceeded with the drive up north, making a pit stop at Bear Lake along the way. My research led me to believe that you had to stop at Bear Lake to see the amazing view and get a Raspberry Milkshake from some diner in town. The drive up was 2ish hours from SLC and I was hype for my milkshake until we got into town and realized the diner had closed down— if you take one thing away from this post, know that Bear Lake is still worth seeing for the view and to take a quick bathroom break but don’t get your hopes up for a milkshake because you will be sad and disappointed for the rest of your drive (NO MILKSHAKES). All in all, you could definitely avoid the 45 min detour to Bear Lake if you are in a hurry to get up to Jackson.

Dad took the wheel in Bear Lake and took us home for the 3 hour drive we still had to go. While he drove, I curated a playlist for the mountains— FYI there are definitely lots of places on this drive that have zero service, so probably should’ve saved down more music ahead of time. We had the address of our Apartment in Teton Village in the GPS, so once we got to Jackson Hole we went straight over there and basically missed the town of Jackson lol. (FYI I was definitely one of those tourists that didn’t realize the difference between Jackson Hole and Jackson) We got to Teton Village just after 6 and the check-in area was closed for the night— our rental facility made it really easy for us to pick up our keys after hours so we grabbed those and made our way to the 2 bedroom apartment. Teton Village is exactly that, a village at the base of Teton National Park— you can walk everywhere in the village and there are a few little shops and restaurants but nothing substantial. This area is mostly for the bougie ~Four Season~ skiers in the winter, but it is beautiful in the summer and you have pretty spectacular views of the area from here. We wandered around for the evening and got dinner at The Handle (the grown up grilled cheese was bombbb) before PTFO around 9 pm.

Day 2:

We woke up at 7 and leisurely made our way down to the town of Jackson which is SO cool! We got breakfast at Persephone’s Bakery and drank literally all of the coffee. This place is the cutest of all cute things and was the perfect spot to warm up since I accidentally wore shorts thinking it would be semi-warm in the morning- I was wrong. Persephone’s has fire pits on the porch and big doors that open up making the restaurant an indoor-outdoor hot spot... would DEFINITELY recommend.

After breakfast we made our way over to Mad River’s Boat House for our white water rafting trip! The trip is about a 30 minute shuttle from the Boat House, followed by an hour and forty-five mins on the water and a 40 minute shuttle back. This was one of the more adventurous things I’ve ever done in my life, aside from free climbing boulders at Jesus Camp when I was 13. Super cool experience, juxtaposed by a “muffy” fellow adventurer that complained about being too wet the entire time (Asked dad how to describe her and muffy was the first word he said...). Also would DEFINITELY recommend.

Following our expedition, we headed over to the grocery store to pick up goods for Thursday’s breakfast and trip to Yellowstone. Jackson has plenty of grocery stores and gas stations so it doesn’t feel super remote. We made our way back to Persephone’s for moooore coffee and then headed back to the apartment to walk around Teton Village. We wandered around Teton Village and Jackson for the rest of the afternoon before heading to dinner at 7 PM.

Dinner was at one of the most breathtakingly beautiful spots in the country... Piste Mountain Bistro is at the top of one of the gondolas in Teton Village and it is stunninggg. We hopped on the gondola around 6:40 and made it up to be seated just after 7. We had a reservation but definitely didn’t need it. The nicer part of the restaurant is inside, though they have a deck that has more of a bar-food menu. Food up there was delicious and we had an insane view of the area from our table. If you aren’t interested in spending too much $$, definitely sit on the deck and just get a drink to appreciate the scene— the gondola ride is free! It got chillier at night and I was glad i wore jeans and a sweater (some people had parkas up there which just seemed aggressive for early September...)

After dinner i ptfo again :)

Day 3:

This day was our big Yellowstone adventure, but we started the day channeling our inner yogi at the top of the gondola (same space as last night’s dinner!). Yoga was only $30 and it has the most insane views-- only negative was having to watch my Dad do yoga :/

After yoga we headed down the mountain and changed for our drive to Yellowstone! We drove top down (bc Jeep) and made our way through the Tetons, about 1.25 hours to the south entrance of Yellowstone national park. Yellowstone had some awesome sights to see, but we headed left from the south entrance, toward Old Faithful and the Hot Springs. Let me tell you, Old Faithful is kinda underwhelming. It’s cool but also kinda lame after a few seconds-- people only know it because it is one of the only “reliable” geysers, so you know you’ll see it erupt pretty close to the times they list (just about once an hour) Literally hundreds of people gather around it to see it blow, and then everyone waits for something exciting and it doesn’t really every get there-- I’d give it a 6 on the scale of 1 to cool geysers. The only reason i can confidently give it a 6 is because randomly one of the other geysers was erupting at the same time (so we got to see a big one-- beat that Old Faithful 💁🏼‍♀️)

We also checked out the Hot Springs which were really beautiful, but tbh trying to do Yellowstone in a day is really difficult and there is a lot of driving. Could’ve spent lots of time there....

Dad and I headed back to Jackson and got some bomb pizza (i am DEFINITELY lactose intolerant but I just like to pretend that I’m not). After pizza we watched tennis and thennnnnn ptfo :) bet ya didn’t expect that one...

Day 4:

Day 4 was spent in the Tetons, hiking 3 hours around Jenny Lake! The Lake is stunning and i would definitely recommend as a medium level hike in the area-- some people just take the ferry across the lake to the water falls, but let’s not forget that I was a collegiate athlete, so we hiked allllll the wayyy around.

After the hike we drove back to Jackson for some coffee at Cowboy Coffee and then grabbed coffee before driving back down to SLC. We crashed for the night at my cousins house just north of the city, and watched Chef’s Table (shameless plug for the best show on netflix) and some random baseball movie with Amy Adams.

Day 4 was great! but driving is no fun! so i made dad do it :)

Day 5:

Day 5 we drove down to Park City and explored one of the cutest ski towns I’ve every seen. Park City is made for the bougie skier, with pricey boutiques for some (my mom) and convenient ski lifts for others (literally no one in the Watts family). We walked up and down Main Street and I contemplated buying a lot of things, but ultimately left with a teeshirt ~shocking~. I also want to take this time to say my Dad used this trip as an ultimate shopping excursion, and left the mountains as a distinguished mountain man-- if my mom let him grow a beard he seriously would’ve looked the part, but we all know that’s never going to happen lol.

We went to a bomb brunch in the morning at Harvest-- 10/10 would recommend and/or eat everything on the menu...

In the afternoon we went to the Park City Olympic park which is super cool and worth checking out- right now the U.S. ski and snowboard teams use the space for practice, but it is open to the public for viewing and entertainment purposes... you can luge if you want to... 

For dinner we went to this swanky place only the locals know about (and our hotel concierge of course), at the Stein Eriksen Lodge. We ate out on the porch and saw the most beautiful and prob very expensive weddings. Dinner was so good and we filled up on some rly good meats- tbh i’m writing this in retrospect and i dont remember what i got, but i remember it being something with meat and it tasting really good.

After dinner we went back to the hotel and, you guessed it, ptfo!

Day 6:

Day 6 sucked bc we left and that sucks. Early morning departure and nothing fun to report.

That’s it for now-- text me if you want more info, or if you just want to text me ;)

[gardenglowswithdesign]

I have taken a ton of classes over the years.  Many of the classes were just to gain extra knowledge in a specific area.  The funny thing about me is that I never received an actual degree for anything.

To this day, I still feel that having that piece of paper hanging on a wall somewhere in my life would not make a bit of difference in the amount of knowledge I have accumulated.  My father always wanted me to get one; in his eyes, it was a sign of prosperity.

Please do not misunderstand, I agree that in certain fields a degree is preferable: Doctor, Lawyer, Scientist, and any profession that puts someone else’s life in your hands.  I want to know that the person that pulls me from a burning building, pulls the knife out of my leg, or protects me from a Road-Rage whack job; has had the proper training and education to handle these types of situations.

When it comes to me and professional learning institutions, we butt heads.  My first experience left me feeling that I was taking a bunch of “extra curricular” (E.C.) classes that were required, but to me felt completely useless.  I am never going to EVER use physics.  I knew it back in my early twenties and by golly, I was right.  My closest connection to it would be through the show The Big Bang Theory, which I absolutely love.  (FYI, my favorite person is Penny.)

(If you have never seen, check out the Halloween and Christmas – Bath Item Gift episodes.)

I felt that all the extra classes a person is forced to take to get that piece of paper was ridiculous, but I wanted to learn.

This was Hint #1: The thrill of  learning new things.

I took a small business class because I wanted to run a small business.  Part of the class required Accounting 101 – made perfectly logical sense to me.  As that turned out, was when I fell in love with Accounting.  I looked further into becoming a C.P.A. (Certified Public Accountant) – but then again, I would have to take all the E.C. classes – grrr.  I found that I was overly excited about learning more about Accounting, but not so much in the other gunk.

My next hint came several years later.  I had a job that was alright.  It allowed me to work in an accounting field – Bookkeeper which kept the thrill going for a while.  But I needed more and I was not sure what “more” I was looking for.  A friend told me about The Aptitude Test that the local community college provided.  The first time I took it, I had to pay ten dollars for the results.  It was all hand written back then (The old-fashioned pencil and paper type. Man, I am old – eeek!) and took about four hours to complete.

I hate tests.  Every time I take one I panic.  The normal grade school through high school tests were alright, but then I took a Speed Reading class which, as it turns out, blew it for real testing.  Yes, it taught me how to speed read, but the down side to doing it is missing the important details.  Well, I was glad to know that this was not that kind of test.  There was no judging, no grades, and no pressure to finish on time.  The test is simply to help you to understand what you currently hide in your brain, vs. things you have a passion for but may not know yet.

I received my results in the mail along with an in-depth explanation of how to read and interpret the graph.  They also included long lists of the types of jobs related to the different fields on the graph.  According to my results, I could have been in:

Customer Service (that was a given due to my waitressing years),

Accounting, or Math Related field (They had me at Accounting.)

Then it actually said that I could have been a Nuclear Physicist – me? I don’t think so Lucy!

The results even listed a Psychiatrist as a possibility.  I found this very funny because I had been a bartender several times in my life.  I used to make-sport of the fact that I should have been a Shrink after listening to everybody’s problems in the bar.  The bummer of this is I have somehow earned The Bartender Face, not by choice, it just happened.  People you do not know will just start spilling their problems at you.  I have seen others with this face.  If you have ever been a Bartender for more than six months, you will get one.

(The face on this guy tells me that he has been dong it for way too long!)

Hint 2: Understanding that I have an Impatient Passion for doing many things.

Then my ultimate favorite thing ever happened…The Age Of Computers (insert dun-dun-daa sound here!).  The amount of information a person can get, and store, was amazing.  My main thrill was not in the storage, but in the information.  One class that I did take, complete, and get a certificate in was Computers 101.  This was way back in the early 1980’s.  We got to dissect a computer just like you would a frog.  Somehow tearing the box and its guts apart was calming for me.  The whole thing boiled down to bits of metal and wires.

This was followed up by two more historic moments for me:

Having an employer that paid for all the office related computer classes that I wanted to take – so I did.

Getting to know a Computer Tech who told me: “There is nothing you can do in that computer that I cannot fix.” Best, dumbest, words ever spoken.  I made it my life task take him up on that.  During the day, I got to take all the “heater” calls.  Then, when everyone else got to go home at five, I got to work with the I.T. department.  I made him live up to that statement (for a story at another time).

The very first time I got to push buttons and see something happen I was hooked (yep, a button-a-holic also.).

10-Key by touch.

Type 100+ w.p.m.

Obsessed library researcher

Persistent question-asker.

Roll those all into one and you have me with a computer.  The best thing the computer age has brought about is learning.  There is nothing you can’t find, do, or save in a computer.  I have even taken multiple classes through my computer.  This thought led me to the final definition for a Learn-A-Holic:

Hint #3: You have several projects going at the same time.

I currently have the following:

Knitting projects

5 working

Crochet projects

7 working

Card Making

Valentines and Happy Birthday (hope to complete 20 of each by month end)

Blogging

3 working blogs, 2 of which I try to post at least once a week.

Surveys for cash

Signed up for 3 different ones with a goal to complete 1 survey on each per day.

Writing

Working on 3 how-to e-books.

Farm/gardens

Day-to-day standard duties (feed, water, clean up, and prep for next season.)

Taking online classes through Udemy

26-hour, slam-dunk class on Character Drawing.

Marketing Strategies (something I am in DIRE need of!!).

Learn how to use Canva (my fav right now).

My mind and my hands must be busy at all times!  I even find that when I sleep, my fingers still move about.  I know my mind wanders because of my various dreams.  This, to me, is the biggest part of a Learn-a-holic.

You never stop.

You do not have to go fast,

There is no set speed or time limit except for the ones you set on yourself.

You may also have several projects going on at the same time, like I do.  You maybe lucky enough to only have one big project going on, and all your being is tied up in getting it done.  It doesn’t matter how you handle it, you just have to keep learning something new or you think you will die.

This all came about because I received the following email article:

Will Traditional Colleges and Universities Become Obsolete?

I used to love going the traditional route, but for the last eight years or so, it has become faster, easier, and better doing it online.  This makes me happy and sad at the same time.

WE NEED TEACHERS!  Yes, I am yelling that out because I firmly believe it.  I can teach a few things that I know well, but I don’t believe I have the patience to be a full-time, in front of class type of teacher.  If it’s one-on-one I do OK.  This is what makes the Learn-a-holic in me feel sad.  What if shutting down the colleges, turns into no one wanting to be a teacher anymore?  How awful our world would be without them?  So I give Kudos to all those Teachers in my life – past, present, and future.  We Learn-a-holics could not survive without you!

You can also check me out on:  www.helbergfarmstories.com for fun stories from our farm.

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How To Know If You Are A LEARN-A-HOLIC? I have taken a ton of classes over the years.  Many of the classes were just to gain extra knowledge in a specific area.