#funsies and nothing else. we dont need to have some grand connection. she doesn't need to have a crush on me. we can just be
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oh also shes straight
#and the part of me thats empty hopeless and constantly passively suicidal scores a goal!#a win for the agony within!#a loss for whimsy hope and serenity and the part of the me that is trying to heal and move forward without the weight of it all defining me.#it's like. im not surprised. why did i have expectations#why did i hope. i shouldnt hope. im so stupid. i shouldnt hope i should know better than that. im scarily lacking substance. im a shell#im a puppet. i cant form lasting relationships im an actor im a liar it would've never worked anyway#-> me going insane in real time#-> i sound so dramatic like go watch txt to do and chill out maybe ⁉️#idk lol 😐#im not giving up bc she said we should hang out again and friendship is always an option and she already#knows too much about me at this point so it's too late to back out#here is to befriending her for the sake of allowing myself to exist imperfectly and for the sake of hanging out with someone every week for#funsies and nothing else. we dont need to have some grand connection. she doesn't need to have a crush on me. we can just be#on campus buddies#we can meet during the summer at some points too maybe#idk. idk i want to disappear i think bc i really feel like i embarrassed myself by being so open about my insecurities#i should've put on the mask i usually wear#but i didnt#and everything thats pathetic about me was on full display#i don't know. god. i dont know#what matters is i made her smile a few times. my unnecessary commentary got a laugh out of her a few times too#the world is still spinning#the air was refreshingly chilly on my way home today#i got rained on and came to class looking beautiful despite my carefully slicked back hair falling into my eyes#my spanish professor agreed with my thoughts on the text we were analysing#z.post
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