#funkytown christmas

[cryptid-killjoy]

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Funkytown Christmas

To Smalls From Willem DaFriend For Christmas: Smalls is going to wake up to a text from Willem. It's like most silly memes and whatnot they might send. It's a positive cryptid vibe meme and basically their way of telling Smalls he cares and appreciates them how they are. He hoped it would be taken that way. But what he wouldn't let on was a foreshadow to the Christmas present they had resurrected to them in the middle of town.

It was built by Tray Contini. Caim doesn't let him sell his art to just anyone, so releasing it to Feral was supposedly some sort of privy. Willem didn't totally get it, but he was glad he got him to do it. He'd have a Duck Murder shirt for them under their tree. But once they ever went outside and Willem would wait too. He'd wait it out till it happened naturally. The funny part would be the Horned King dancing immortally exhausted in the fairy ring. This meant he was forced to dance in view of a statue of Figaro. Delta approved of the giant statue and didn't really care.

The statue itself was made of scrap metal as Tray's works always were. So, it gave it a very abstract feel. He had it commissioned personally with details how Willem sees them. So, there were wings coming out of their feet almost like Hermes shoes only bigger and they weren't wearing shoes. It would have curly Q's and squigglies coming from her armpits like spaghetti. The welding was magical for detail. Everything was exaggerated and not to make fun of but to create more of a creature than a human figure. But this was the fun of the figure. It was large. Bigger than life size. It could be a garden or the middle of a town fountain it was so big. So, there was room for illusion. It's creature-esque look would change if walked around. It would go from having claws and with a marionette hinged jaw for a nod to the Geppetto dolls to quite the femme frame from behind. The slender silhouette was giving off some womanly vibes that maybe Figaro didn't care enough to notice of themselves? Who knew? Willem wasn't sure. But he sure noticed. He was all guy and he definitely noticed. Bestie or not he noticed, and he looked. He commissioned it to be quite alluring from behind. This wasn't like the mothman statue that just had a shiny hiney. No. This was smexy woman angle. The bean pole running shorts from the front with Big Foot hairy legs looked more like booty shorts from the back on a hella sexy woman with the word SMALLS on them like how girls wear booty shorts with one word on the backsides. He came from a line of pirates who saw mermaids in sea critters. Sue him. He was proud of that booty. It was what he saw when he looked at his Smalls damn it whether they liked being called a cryptid or not.

For the Dolls: Willem would have given the puppets and dolls all new paint jobs dresses and little outfits for Christmas even Hansel. He'd get a sweater replica. He worked especially hard to design Geppetto sweater for Hansel that looked almost like his. There'd be a few differences in design and color, but the concept was there. Except Punch. Mr. Punch would get candy canes. He knew he'd probably use them to hit people but at least he'd look festive doing it. No holiday would go by without a dance for Diana.

Side Note Head Canon: Picturing them sitting down to eat and the cordless electric carving knife is gone. Everyone's eyes go wide as the whirling sound comes on as they realize Sock Monkey got a hold of it while they weren't looking. The whole table of dolls that don't eat anyway plus animals screams and scrambles until they get this thing away from Jacko the Sock Monkey. Can't have a Funkytown Christmas without some crazy.

[anirandums]

Lemon Demon poster!

I may or may not have spent a few months on this and added all of the songs on here to my playlist…

Live From the Haunted Candle Shop is in top left, I am Become Christmas is near top right corner, Hip to the Javabean above the Lemon Demon, View-Monster in top right, Dinosaurchestra in middle left, Nature Tapes in bottom left, Damn Skippy below the Lemon Dmeon, Clown Circus at bottom, Spirit Phone in bottom right corner.

[experimentfae]

I made a Playlist I think fits the welcome home ARG…

But it gets darker as it goes on

[stromcuzewon]

Christmas craft show time. there are 3 distinct songs the SiriusXM Christmas channel plays this weekend that I keep a tally of, so here are the current counts:

Mariah Carey: 0

Funkytown jinglebell version: 0

Santa Man (Macho Man cover): 0

[murderofsomeone]

do you have any ld song that just really resonates with you. also album teirlist? also what album has the most bangers compared to which bangers are more important. how do you feel about damn skippy

idk I haven't really related to any lemon demon songs, I just have my favorites and I will be obnoxious about them (like mold en mono, the machine, spiral of ants, and funkytown

I made a tier list ages ago, but my opinions have since changed, it'd probably be like: 1. Damn Skippy, 2. View-Monster, 3. Spirit Phone, 4. Dinosaurchestra, 5. Nature Tapes, 6. I am Become Christmas, 7. Hip to the Javabean, 8. Live from the Haunted Candle Shop, 9. Clown Circus. based roughly on how enjoyable/coherent the album is and how many songs I particularly like/return to. all the albums/eps are good in my opinion though (didn't count almanac 2009 or live only not because they're in a weird spot

Damn Skippy has a very consistent quality, but View-Monster has some songs I like far more.

when neil wrote dead sea monkeys I don't think he was in school anymore. he lied to us. I like to eat the album aesthetic with a fork

[wonderkat11]

My ideas for Just Dance 2 Animal AU

It’s Raining Men/Lari = Turtle.

TikTok/Kayla = Shiba Inu.

A-Punk/Thomas & Mia = Dog & Cat.

I Got You (I Feel Good)/Benjamin = Kermode Bear.

When I Grow Up/Lady = Flamingo.

Toxic/Ivy = Siamese.

Idealistic/Neona = Bat.

Girlfriend/Amy & Matilda = Fox & Rabbit.

S.O.S./Anzia = Coyote.

Dagomba = Asiatic Golden Cat.

Move Your Feet/Charlie = Iguana.

Proud Mary/Mary = Ostrich.

Hot Stuff/Nelly & Benny = Apes.

Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)/Laura = Hippopotamus.

I Want You Back/Thor = Quagga.

Iko Iko/Arizona = Crocodile.

Katti Kalandal/Veena & Manjul = Elephants.

Holiday/Goldie = Hyena.

Call Me/Samara = Labrador.

Sway (Quién Será)/Arista & Quinn = Swans.

Satisfaction/Isaac = Leopard.

Hey Ya!/Moses = Monkey.

Mugsy Baloney/Nia & Callum = Gazelle & Dolphin.

Baby Girl/Matthew (Matt) = Owl.

Jungle Boogie/Harry = Cheetah.

Crazy in Love/Anjia = Poodle.

Soul Bossa Nove/Aleena & Sam = Parrot & Red Wolf.

D.A.N.C.E./Lime = Toucan.

Sympathy for the Devil/Auli'i = Devon Rex.

Rasputin/Boris = Bull.

Jump in the Line/Caroline & Alexa = Giraffe & Arctic Fox.

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go/Eric = Gazelle.

Walk Like an Egyptian/Rula = Camel.

The Power/Khalid = Otter.

Jump/Momoe & Graham = Gray Foxes.

Monster Mash/Frank = Elk.

Take Me Out/Pyra = Octopus.

That's Not My Name/Jane = Rabbit.

The Shoop Shoop Song/Marie & Svetlanta = Gazelle & Coyote.

Cosmic Girl/Mariana = Panda.

Body Movin'/Juliana = Venom Snake.

Viva Las Vegas/Sebastian = Crab.

Alright/Amanda & Dan = Siamese & Monk Parakeet.

Rockafeller Skank/Kevin (Or you can call him DJ DNC3) = Skunk.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?/Rob = Red Wolf.

Funkytown/Oob = Darwin Frog.

Jai Ho! (You are my Destiny)/Kammi = Indian Leopard.

Firework/Icy = Fox.

Pon de Replay/Yui = Hyena.

Barbie Girl/Diva & Rex = Swam & Wolf.

Pump Up the Volume/Mikey = Hedgehog.

Maniac/Isabella = Flamingo.

Born to be Wild/Wolf = Wolf.

Professor Pumplestickle/Zeka & Pumplehead = Coyote & Frog.

Crying Blood/Miranda = Dalmation.

Down by the Riverside/Jennifer = Dove.

Fuetbol Crazy/Alice = Savannah.

Kung fu Fighting/Master Mantis & Dawn = Goat & Tiger.

Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit of Monika)/Steve & Elsa = Bear & .

Nine in the Afternoon/Mona & Jake = Cat & Dog.

It’s not Unusual/William = Pug.

Chicken Payback/Louis = Jersey Giant Chicken.

Crazy Christmas/Santa = Reindeer.

Skin to Skin/Perry = Parrot.

You Can’t Hurry Love/Gigi & Lily = Dolphins.

Why oh Why?/Michelle and Howard = Bear & Red Robin Bird.

American Boy/Taio & Julia = Owl & Jaybird.

Come on, Eileen/Soraya & Lucky = Fawn & Mouse.

Song 2/Zack, Bianca, & Josh = Deer, Penguin, & Arctic Wolf.

Spice Up Your Life/Jazzy & Pink = Peacock & Squirrel.

Here Comes the Hotstepper/Shaun = Rabbid.

Movin' on Up/Mindy = Snake.

[ghostofdiamonds]

I unironically like All I Want For Christmas Is You. Mostly because I haven't had to work a customer service job with it playing nonstop (yet). But to me, its counterpart (in terms of annoyance) is Funkytown. If I hear Funkytown one more time while bussing tables I am going to SNAP.

[campingbagandstuff]

.22/9.33 {Part 2 of 12}; 17

Triggers/ foreword: loud, most ethnic, language, partial nudity, Video lyrics jourden coulda been, tierra whack 27 club, doechii pacer, NewJeans (뉴진스) 'New Jeans', ASAP, Lily Allen | LDN, björk ft. rosalía : oral, madison beer, sabrina carpenter, dove cameron, [inuyasha]=> do as infinity, Clio faces, Sandy Marton camel by camel, merry merry christmas and a happy new year, Rammstein engel, du hast, ich will, Lipps Inc funkytown N-dubz {papa, wouldn’t you, better not waste my time, best behaviour}, Ayumi Hamasaki {real me, surreal, appears, fairyland, bluebird, ourselves, microphone, november, [moon returns], sending meil, like a doll, lelio, rainbow, rule, my name’s women, is this love? Song 4 u, ladies’ night, about you, nextlevel, dearest, game, mirrorcle world, heaven, inspire, do it again, I dreamed a dream, step you, everlasting dream, WE WISH, free & easy, heartplace, HANABI, taskinillusion, dolls, voyage, close to you, bold & delicious, unite …{line 16}

Samurai Champloo shiki no uta, {Yoko Kanno}Origa rise, inner universe [(fatty bean)], Goldie inner city life, M-flo come again, After School first love, Koda Kumi run, candy, 2PM hands up, tatu gomenasai, eminem never enough, lose yourself, prince 1999, deadmau5 & Kaskade I remember, Donna Summer hot stuff,

Seyi Shey irawo, murda, Psquare, Flavour, Nato C, Wizkid, Justine Skye, Leona Lewis summertime, collide, I see you, Beyonce green light, formation, signs, pretty hurts, sweet dreams, single ladies, get me bodied, 7-11, ring the alarm, halo, flaws, countdown, run the world, if I were a boy, haunted, Yonce, upgrade U, diva, partition,crazy in love,check on it, dance for you, drunk in love, deja vu, naughty girl, Little Mix wings, woman like me, wasabi, shout out to my ex, sweet melody, salute, touch, (" ft. Stormzy) power, The Saturdays all fired up, hero, Brooke Candy FMU, nymph, paper or plastic, happy days, rubber band stacks, study in duality, michael buble, olly murs

Dorian Electra egdelord, f the world, Azealia Banks chasing time, 212, Anna Wintour, big big beat, harlem shake, atm jam, miss camaraderie, fierce, atlantis, cascada everytime we touch, heaven,

miss amour, count contessa, no problems, heavy metal & reflective, running, 1991, Kerli army of love, diamond hard, walking on air, feral hearts, Allie X prime, bitch, simon says, catch my breath, old habits die hard, it’s not so bad in LA, Miss A breathe, hauser, bastille

hush hush, bad girl, good ", touch,AoA bing bing, good luck,** 4Minute crazy, CL the baddest female,* hot issue, Jessi gucci, nunu nana, Hyuna how’s that, bubble pop, nabillera, Gfriend fingertip, Kara step it up, (anjulie brand new chick, you & I, Kool & the gang celebration)

mama mia, lion heart, Hitomi Shimatani perseus, garnet moon, papillon, Boards of Canada roygbiv, Bjork it’s in our hands, it’s oh so quiet, wanderlust, earth intruders, declare independence, innocence, hunter, hyperballad, mutual core, who is it, pluto, notget, union, I've seen it all, dull flame of desire, joga, unravel, pagan poetry bachelorette, alarm call all is full of love, nature is ancient, venus as a boy, hidden place, it's not up to you, aurora, it's in our hands, black lake, stonemilker, crystalline,lionsong, moon, triumph of a heart, hollow, mouth mantra, thunderbolt, cosmogony, anyone who had a heart, enjoy,(mika, hyuna bubble pop, red)

pagan poetry, where is the line, cocoon, oceania, play dead, army of me, big time sensuality, I miss you, possibly maybe, isobel, human behaviour, the mothers of invention freak out! the B-52's love shack,

Mondo Grosso labyrinth, *CL lifted, 2NE1 I hate you, I love you, come back home, I am the best, fire, can’t nobody, gotta be you, **AoA like a cat, wang chung dance hall days, everybody have fun tongiht, the temptations my girl

Hilary Duff coming clean, with love, fly, sparks, Dua Lipa we’re good, Sugarcubes birthday, Destiny’s Child survivor, lose my breath, soldier, Lily Allen smile, the fear, The Ting tings that’s not my name, eddie murphy party all the time, REM everybody hurts

[orleans-jester]

Annual Christmas Movie Night at Funkytown

Due to things such as zombie and dance apocalypses, Funkytown skipped a year, but it's back on like Donkey Kong baby, bringing a six film line up, lots of snacks, some booze, some weed and even a little something more if you want it, they aren't judgmental folk.

[cryptid-killjoy]

Gift Exchange 2024

Some traditional gifts didn't work out last year due to the fires/devastation and the moves from starting over. Now that everything's settled down and time has moved along a whole year, Chip's family is back to feeling like their old selves again. The hives are growing and they're able to harvest again.

From Savanne Family Will Gift Honey Jars to Everyone This Year. This includes Thomas and everyone in Kiwi House. To Delta Castle: Frank and Delta and the Belleroses To the Pachacuti-Trouillefou Estate: For Kuzco, Clopin, and Piper To Funkytown: For Willem and Figaro To Koda To Elsa To Chess To Pleasure Island: For Ellie and Babyface. He'd include a case of six pack of them unsure of all who's there and a note saying for all your friends. Good luck to the whoever delivered that package.

From Delta Castle: To Frank and Delta From the Hunch: Bastien and Maddy went to Paris for Christmas however Bastien would set off a blazing extravaganza for Delta and Frank before they left. He was being weird again running around in the streets in a V for Vendetta mask and had written anarchy and Merry Feral Xmas below the castle. He'd blare music and set the thing ablaze as he set off each letter by basing his hammer on a flint set just right to cause a spark. Then boom. Bastien didn't have a lot of money but he found ways to express himself. Delta would be cracking up because despite the crazed music the Hunch looked so calm and yet the gargoyles were dancing around and swinging their arms pointing with such obnoxious zeal looking like crazed operatic Christmas conductors.

Delta will give Frank a bed of nails she makes herself. Delta is going low key this year herself. She's not giving gifts out and she's not visiting. Besides Frank she's only really giving gifts to Doc Vic and Hunch family. As for them she's giving large gift baskets of Christmas stuff from Christmas Town. Hot chocolate packets, mugs, candy, mittens, ear muffs, random Christmas stuff. The elves would have put it together for her. She's staying shut in with Frank. After the chaos of Halloween all she wants is to be alone with Frank. She can only handle so much socializing at a time. Also update. Silas would still be locked up and waiting by this time because she wasn't in the mood to deal with him yet. She wasn't in the mood for emotions. Frank. Only Frank. Doc Vic is always the exception to the rule.

From Kiwi House:

Literally everyone is getting a seaglass ornament because once Valerie got involved in Scout's project for her brothers a bulk amount got made and they got sent to all their friends. Just everyone. If you exist, and you know Valerie, you got one.

Scout will send Figaro a Jackalope squishimal along with a seaglass ornament she sends everyone.

The little outfits are for Frankie from Valerie and family.

Valerie is sending all of Chip's wives bee hiking boots because she already knew they liked them. So get what they like. She knew she couldn't lose.

Flotsam made Chip's family the glass acorn light.

Scout would send Piper a llama ugly Christmas sweater in hopes of luring her to do a pop in and visit. She misses her.

The triplets are going to give Thomas sticks. It's a very wolf thing to do, bring back sticks they picked up and gathered to gnaw on themselves. But since they picked them out themselves Valerie thought it would be cute to wrap them up and give them to Thomas from each of them.

Valerie and Scout would also work on a paw print project for Thomas. Difficult. But they'd manage. It would be like baby footprint art only this would be paw prints of the little ones when they were wolfed out including Scout. All in shadow cut outs and then in one big frame to show all his wolfy kids. There were two empty spaces to be able to put his print and Valerie's print later on.

Then personally Flotsam/Valerie will give Thomas a kraken pendant. They like the idea it's a ship that can't be taken down not even by the kraken by the looks of it on that chain.

Koda's House

For Elsa. He's getting stuck in Feral this year. After the hustle and bustle he just won't have the ability to catch a flight to New Zealand in time for Christmas this time. Magic means would impose on others so he decides to eat with Zero and Dr. Frankenstein. If Elsa will allow it he'll also put up a video chat for part of it and pretend she's at the table unless she's busy with others. He knows she might be at kiwi house and wasn't sure if she'd have time to talk more than a moment. The being apart again for a major holiday after just spending so much time with her is going to have his wheels turning a little, especially being away from everyone in general. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. He will send her a gift. He'll have sent it late not realizing he should have tried to get plane tickets sooner. So it would arrive 2 days after Christmas. It would be just over a 3 inch long bear claw dipped in white gold and hung on a necklace. It was his own claw. The Merry Men at the church helped him with the casting. Sherwood guys knew how to do stuff like this. Everyone helped each other out in Feral. (not pictured - couldn't find anything like that)

The Trouillefou Estate:

Piper to everyone would get in the spirit of her younger years with the Laveaus and send ornaments to everyone too. However, being in Peru right now she'd send everyone llama ormanents made of the wool. If she knows you, you get one.

Kuzco would be celebrating that Notre Dame is back up running. It didn't take Bastien being obsessed for him to catch the itch. He has his own attachment to the place so he was stoked when he heard the place was back open for business after the devastating fires. It was like the loss of a family member to them. So this was a revival. He wanted to celebrate. For Clopin Kuzco will get a case of Trappistes Rochefort 6, la Belgian dubbel de Abbaye Notre-Dame de Saint Rémy. Anything named after it was good enough for him. In his head it made sense. Plus, it was a festive bubbly Christmas beer. He went for it. He'd start talking about wanting to visit the old place again too. However, nostalgia and Kuzco only go so far. He needs something new and exciting so he'll be chatting to Clopin on Christmas about what trouble what fun they can get into next year.

House of Boogie

Barrel will get his mother giant card pillow stools.

Spade will get her mother a new jewelry box. Never too many of those. A woman can never have too much jewelry.

That said it's been a year for the Boogie family too. Though nothing ever truly gets them down. They rise, and rise, and rise playing the long game in the darkness. They all feel their time coming. Time changing. Power growing again as things wax and wane. Barrel would actually ask Oogie if she bored of running a school yet. He wondered if being less hands and delegating would be a good idea or if she wanted to stay right in the middle of it. Not that he wanted it of course. He was just trying to relieve his mother if the project had grown tiresome or old hat. He was checking in to make sure he knew how she felt on the matter.

[anirandums]

Lemon demon bracelets :)

[does-the-mashup-slap]

I hadn't noticed the participants page is locked to the admin. Here's the list in plain text:

Tik Tok Together (Ke$ha/The Beatles) - nikko crapanzano

Die Young In The Cave (Mumford & Sons/Ke$ha) - DJ MikeA

Topper Music - Hala Nasser

If You Wanna Breathe My Sulfur (Spice Girls/Slipknot) - Bill McClintock

Stayin' in Black (Bee Gees/AC/DC) - Wax Audio

Like, OMG Baby (Capital FM Summertime Ball Mashup) - DJ Earworm

In The End, You're An All Star (Linkin Park/Smash Mouth) - A Table

Toxic in the Deep (Adele/Britney Spears) - SilverHakai

Sugar, We're Goin Down Kung-Fu Fighting (Fall Out Boy/Carl Douglas) - THiNGYBOBinc

Sweet Dreams are Made of Seven Nation Army (Eurythmics/The White Stripes) - DJ Poly

Bubblegum Bitch vs I Write Sins Not Tragedies (Marina/Fall Out Boy) - whereiscaitlin

Radioactive vs Stronger (Imagine Dragons/Daft Punk) - DeclanMakesMusic

Radioactive In The Dark (Imagine Dragons/Fall Out Boy) - AirGirlPhantom

Time For Our Little Talks (Of Monsters & Men/Imagine Dragons) - Kill_mR_DJ

Pompeii is Radioactive (Imagine Dragons/Bastille) - Toddehboi

The Radioactive Fox (Imagine Dragons/Ylvis) - oneboredjeu

Boulevard Of Broken Songs - partyben

All Star vs Midnight City (Smash Mouth/M8) - Lord Pandemicus

Closer To Germs - (Weird Al/Nine Inch Nails) - milfweirdal

Wake Me Maybe - Shadrow

Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit Up (Nirvana/Rick Astley) - DJ Morgoth

Starboy vs Survive (The Weeknd/Stranger Things Theme) - flipboitamidle5

The Anaconda Of The Opera (Phantom Of The Opera/Nicki Minaj) - mashed potatoes

Octopus’s Garden vs That's What I Want - (The Beatles/Lil Nas X) - Cyanide Soup

Closer But It's Funkytown (Nine Inch Nails/Lipps Inc.) - William Maranci Mashups

Rasputin's Hotel Room Service (Boney M./Pitbull) - CatGopher98Call Me A Hole (Nine Inch Nails/Carly Rae Jepsen) - pomDeter

Blend W (Blend S theme/Snoop Dogg) - MowtenDoo

Psychosalad (The Wiggles/Slipknot) - The Homeschool Dropout

Misery x CPR x Reese's Puffs (Maroon 5/cupcakKe/Reese's Puffs) - Lamaita

All I Want For Christmas Is You X Crank That Soulja Boy (Mariah Carey/Soulja Boy) - Original Bread

Smooth - Neil Cicierega

IWDFU (The Weeknd/Alex Vaughn) - JAYBeatz

Mashups Tourney: in the start-up phase

Open for submissions!

You can view the Challonge page for this tournament here.

[grudlebay]

Steer away from the endless abyss

of foreboding hopelessness

take a whiff of the sweet aroma 

Of the divine pizzeria

When the future is not with pizza then that shall be the end of all things

[giorgiowtf]

🕺👽🎸

[murderofsomeone]

dec 14 - 15, 2024

Ivanushka (he/him)

• consumer whore, go to hollywood, ivanushka, cryptosanta

notes: first design is his I am become christmas design, where his appearance is most prevalent. his httjb appearance is very short lived, but important for his antagonistic motive later on. washed up actor looking for a break, unfortunately his boss is literally satan and will kill him if he fails one more time.

sep 14th, 2024

The Beast (any/it)

• you're at the party, kubrick and the beast

notes: based on ming doyle's you're at the party print

sep 29, 2024 • apr 31, 2024

Soft Fuzzy Man, aka Dr. Alexander Avius (he/they)

• soft fuzzy man

notes: part of the research team doomed by funkytown with pascual. he's a meteorologist who got turned into a cloud person, which isn't as bad as what happened to everyone else he just wants to be tangible again. nowadays he's just really really bored and mildly fucks with people. pretty nice otherwise.

dec 27, 2024

Pizza Hero (he/him)

• pizza heroes

notes: just a mascot, not an actual character

oct 14, 2024

Katya Meowchine (she/they/it/meow)

• cat hacks, geocities

notes: TRANSGENDER 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️‼️ the only character I've made entirely within one day with fully written out lore. a robot made by pascual who adopted its own identity. good for her!

dec 22, 2024

Diablo Demon, "Azrael" the Angel of Death (he/him)

• the saga of you, confused destroyer of planets, sunbeam light show flower seed, musical chairs, behold the FUTURE, I've got some falling to do

notes: total asshole hellbent on ruining lucifer's life, starting with his son lemon demon. is trying to kill everyone he loves indirectly before taking matters into his own hands. died in 2004 after being attacked by mr wolfgang.

nov 12, 2024

Dr. Pascual E. Rivera (he/him)

• dance like an idiot, atomic copper claw, archaeopteryx, the next dimension, the machine

notes: human who's been trapped in funkytown since the 70's. uses the nature of the dimension to do scientific feats normally impossible in an attempt to escape. died in 2008 after constructing the machine that doesn't do anything.

dec 26, 2024

One Weird Tip, Wanita (she/he)

• one weird tip

notes: spirit trapped in a computer before manifesting into a form infested by what's probably a computer virus. or maybe she is the virus.

[albertpops]

Ace Sex

I laugh:

Would you knock it off? 

I can’t tell if you’re being serious

with the way you’re comically

bumping your hips against me, 

while I put the dishes away. 

You say “oh babe”

like a nineteen-thirties radio host, 

every third thrust, and I have to catch myself

from hitting my nose on the cabinets

and it’s sweet and endearing how

you like to make me laugh. 

.

Oh, you actually want to?

Okay, I guess. Oh, I mean-- No, no, 

It’s not a problem, I mean-- 

I don’t mind, I mean-- 

I could, I mean-- 

I want to, too. 

.

No, it’s not that I’m not attracted to you, you know that.

I think we have different experiences with attraction.

Attraction is when I hold your kissable cheeks in my hands

and nuzzle my nose with yours. It’s when you’re working from home, 

and I stand behind you and braid your long dark hair

until you’re adorned with every twisty in the house. 

It’s when you bring me apple slices and a black coffee

while I do my graduate course work, then collapse next to me

on the couch, leaning, with as much contact as possible. 

It’s when I fall asleep in your lap, watching Love Island, 

you stroke my arm and think,

This girl has everything she needs.

.

I kiss you and my heart flutters 

I try not to smile, because it’s hard 

to kiss and smile at the same time. 

Our lips disconnect. 

.

You bite the cable of muscle in my neck, 

I’m not sure where to look, so I close my eyes, 

holding back a laugh. 

It feels like the “aaaa!” when the plot thickens, 

or the highest point on the rollercoaster, 

when you unwittingly look down. 

.

I ask if we can take it to bed. 

You ask, “Are you sure?” 

and “are you okay with that?” 

while eagerly vibrating. 

you’re like the kid on Christmas morning, 

banned to the top of the stairs until I disable the house alarm

and holler, “Looks like someone came!” 

I spread my hands in benediction and say, “my love,

I am consenting.” which is different than saying, “I want you.”

You slap my ass on the way to bed, 

and doesn’t see me roll my eyes. 

.

Writing about sex is almost exactly like

writing out a recipe for biscuits, 

and I’ve never really had an excuse to make biscuits.

I know other people love biscuits and love to make them 

but I don’t see what’s so super special about

one cup of flour and, however much salt, and, wait, 

baking powder, or soda? Well. We’ll see what happens. 

And sometimes spices, if you feel like it. 

Other people seem to feel like it. 

Because for me, it’s not about the biscuits, I don’t care

about the actual biscuits, I care

about the person I’m with-- you, only--

and if you’re happy, 

your smile, the indicator. The mess, collateral. 

I like the time spent. 

I like the little exchanges, the rare sides of us that interact. 

I like the joy of making something. 

.

Oh, you’re really into this. 

I guess my thoughts had wandered. 

You whisper something I don't hear, which is okay, 

because we have different experiences with attraction

and I’d rather think your thoughts, 

and build our narrative in a way that I can tweak and edit,

than hear something that would shatter that illusion, 

and strike any splinters of fear into me. 

I say “one cup of flour”

and you say “oh, babe.” 

I say “teaspoon of salt.” 

and you say “you’re so good to me.” 

I say “powder or soda?”

and you say “whatever you’re comfortable with.” 

.

I wonder why peanuts grow underground, like beets. 

But beets are just beets through and through, 

while peanuts have a shell, and the good part, inside. 

I wonder why cherries grow in twos, sometimes threes. 

and why their seeds contain cyanide, 

Apple seeds have arsenic, I think. Just a trace. 

I wonder why soap is labelled “orange blossom” 

instead of just “orange,” and why

it doesn’t taste like either when he puts his finger in my mouth. 

I guess “orange” is too Trader Joes

but “orange blossom” is more Trader Jacques

but I still don’t see why that matters. 

“Orange” reminds me of the soda, and summers at my Grandma’s house. 

Swimming with my siblings and cousins, and that hot black driveway. 

“Orange blossom” is a life I’ll never live in the south of France, 

but I don’t know a lot about the south of France, so maybe Spain, 

if oranges blossom in Spain. I should know more about Spain

Seeing as I was a Spanish minor in college but it was mostly 

Central and South American Spanish, and I don’t know

if oranges blossom there, either. 

Maybe I know enough about Spanish-speaking countries, 

I just don’t know enough about oranges. 

I’ll look it up after this. 

I wonder if I have an attention deficit. 

My brother has an attention deficit, 

but I don’t want to think about my brother right now. 

I wonder why, almost every time, I get a song stuck in my head. 

This time it’s “Funkytown,” and I try not to laugh. 

(boop-boop beep boop boop. beep boop-boop beep-boop). 

I wonder when was the last time I watched Shrek 2. 

The phrase “having shreks” flashes through my mind,

and I laugh, but pass it off as something else. 

.

You nod, and your eyebrows squeeze

tighter together. You say, 

“I want you to finish.” 

and I know it would make you happy, 

so I focus my thoughts inward, 

into my body instead of my mind

and put a timer on the biscuits. 

.

Your long dark hair flops around,

and I hold it out of your face because that’s a nice thing to do, 

I think, and I see all of you. 

Your big dark eyes, muted, and earnest. 

Your soft cheeks with their constellations of acne. 

The shades of his scruff, from amber to black. 

A tablespoon of sugar, 

but your heavy handed, 

and sharp chime: 

Ding.