#fun fact i used to hate the z moves when they first came out bc i thought they were dumb and goofy

[thousandth-island]

Challenged myself to stay (mostly) monochromatic with some z poses!

[catherinestuart]

#HSHQTASK005 : what’s up no one asked for this but here it is.

( man ig ciara and i are gonna stick around forever sorry y’all )

001. name / age / pronouns : 

rae / 25 / she+her

002. which character(s) do you play? : 

catherine stuart, ariel de bragança, sara-elena asturias, dalia radziwiłł

003. nationality / ethnicity / timezone : 

indonesian / indonesian / est 

004. tell us a bit about your  ( home / current ) country / city / etc : 

ok so, i’ve been living in toronto for about... 5-6 years? basically moved here for university. i grew up in jakarta, indonesia, one of the most populated cities in the world, it’s sweaty and crowded and can’t you blame me for wanting to leave so badly??? but yeah my parents still live there, now i live with my sister in toronto. 

005.  favourite color / fruit / season : 

black / guava / fall

006. favourite books + writer whose writing style you admire the most : 

see, i can’t pick one, it changes every day?? right now, i really want to reread z: a novel of zelda fitzgerald (only bc no church in the wild came on shuffle), but also missing my copy of death in venice. actually never mind i will forever love barthes’ a lovers discourse. when it comes to writers??? i fucking admire how personal gertrude stein’s works are, but i had a baudelaire phase in university so ig i’m pretty into him too. oh chekov too. idk i like a whole mess of things. my literary guilty pleasure is historical fiction, like ok, michelle moran’s first three novels??? that shit slaps and i was obsessed. 

007. what kinda music do you listen to + any fave bands / musicians : 

i love musicals, love the fucking opera, i spend all of my money on season subscriptions to the opera, ballet, and theatre -- so i gotta say ...maybe puccini? anything by cole porter obviously. i also love jazz, blues, r&b, so i’m just gonna list my most listened spotify artists: boyz ii men, tlc, duke ellington, mcfly, little mix, pj harvey, destiny’s child, aaron neville. 

008. what are you doing for a living / what are you studying? : 

i studied political science and english literature in university, now i’m studying data analysis and programming until my fucking work visa comes through. i have a background in working with literary collectives and content writing, so hopefully i’ll work somewhere in publishing soon???

009. what’s your dream occupation? : 

conflict resolution in the united nations. 

010. relationship status : 

single for 7 months now

011. coffee, tea or hot chocolate? : 

all of the above please. 

012. dream holiday destination? : 

i hate travelling, but i’ll maybe travel for the bolshoi ballet 

013. the thing you’re most proud about yourself : 

nothing yet tbh, i’m glad to get over my wild depressive period and reaching semi mental stability. but ok this one thing, i sang in the soundtrack for this huge indonesian movie franchise when i was in high school after the director + producer saw me sing and play piano in the school arts festival, i played come together by the beatles. 

014. tell us a bit about your family! 

my dad is in finance and he worked for the government as a consultant, my mom doesn’t work, but she’s somehow always busy. when my sister and i were younger we want nothing more than to grow up and be just like her, all she does is paint, go to the gym, and have brunch with her really fun friends. my little sister is my favourite person!! she studied political history in university and now she works in marketing.

015. how long have you known your closest friend? 

6 years, she’s in korea now :(

016. superpower you’d like to have? 

shape shifting definitely, i’ll never have to diet for the rest of my life. 

017. celebrity you’d like to meet? 

ugh none please, i’m too scared that i’ll get disappointed

018. guilty pleasures : 

reality tv shows. listen, i stay home a lot while i wait for my visa, so i religiously watch 90 day fiance and its many spinoffs, love island, and idk i can’t think of anything else rn.

019. pet peeves : 

i’m easily grossed out?? so like slime and dirt and tbh bandaids would make me vomit -- so my pet peeves would include people being dirty ig

020. do you have any hobbies? : 

i used to have so many hobbies as a kid, my mom shoved every after school activity down my throat, so i did ballet for about 10 years, balinese dance for 12, piano for 15, choir for 15?? now i do nothing, which i love infinitely more.

021. where would you like to live in the future? 

i’d like to stay in toronto pls canadian government give me my visa ily

022. quick fun facts (?) : 

i’m a pisces, i have a fear of large bodies of water, i hate beaches and the heat, i studied classical singing in university for a bit, i’m trilingual (english, indonesian, korean), tried learning french but i got too lazy. i hate travelling but i love airplane rides??

[nacsygen]

i suppose i’ve lost most of my kpop/svtn followers since my account getting deleted after five years for no good goddamn reason and no response when i put in support tickets (thanks, tungles).  “suppose”, hell, i know - went from over 2,000 followers to like, 19, and most of them my previous mutuals i intentionally reached out to.  so that kinda sucks. HOWEVER! it also means i can be freely unpops with my opinions without dreading what might happen every time i see i have a message in my inbox, so i’m not *completely* mad about it. (and at that i probably still only have like three mutuals who are svtn fans, so.)

the following is just gonna be me discoursing about svtn’s last few comebacks and how they lost me. (unexpected makeout dreams with dk not included bc, like, have you *seen* that man??) so like, three of my followers might be interested.

what drew me in the first place to svtn was their authenticity.  like this was a large group of incredibly talented, creative individuals, hungry kids desperate to sing themselves to the world, and they were justifiably immediately, almost shockingly successful based on their own merits and voice, despite being managed by a legendarily terrible company - a company that prospered under their initial success.

they were self-producing.  they had entirely their own sound. jihoon is an absolute prodigy of a song-writer and producer, with the help of kye bum zu (who also helped launch the career of fellow prodigy z*co, which is a topic for another time).  they had their own sound, their own identity, and their creations came directly from the heart.  

like yeah, adore u, mansae, pretty u, aju nice - they were all innocent boyish love songs, but at the same time, they felt like they were coming from a very genuine place - the same genuine prodigy young songwriter that also brought us Simple and 20.  while being in basically the same genre as a lot of american hits of the time (and just true pop music of the last 20 years in general), they still had their own particular style, their own particular sound that you could be like, yeah, this is absolutely a svtn song.  the album tracks, unit songs and mixed unit songs were amazing, exploring various members’ creativity as songwriters and their ranges as performers. (i’m still not mad at most of the album tracks, though they become increasingly unremarkable over time.) i just think that it’s a combination of being strapped for time to make really compelling music given their absolutely punishing schedule, and also studio pressure to make “all 13 of us are your boyfriend” style songs a la the most manipulative boy band style of oneD in, like, 2011, culminating in Oh My.  which at least was fun to listen to and catchy, but the lyrics were absolutely creatively bankrupt. which is a goddamn shame, because so many of svtn’s members have *proven* themselves to be amazing songwriters, from jihoon on Simple and most of svtn’s sincere discography (he holds like 70 copyrights at this point?), to the absolute masterpiece courtesy of minghao and jun that is My I, to at least five other great writers in the group, highlighting wonwoo and dino and seungcheol, who are capable of writing and performing just absolutely arresting lyrics. it just feels like the company’s stepped in and been like “no more creative advancement or remotely avant-garde experiments, we only do shit-that-sells boyband songs now” and it feels like a giant step backward for a group that was always about growing forward and growing up together before.

and while there’s controversy about whether svtn ripped off the chainsmokers’ “closer” for “don’t wanna cry” the fact is that was just the sound of the year, and both groups were cynically taking advantage of it - the chainsmokers probably more (and god, i hate them, that song is so goddamn focus-grouped-relatable written-by-committee cynically corporate, i HATE it). but to my mind, don’t wanna cry at least does have some basic in reality for the people who wrote it and performed it, and while it’s different from their first year and a half or so of music, i can’t be mad at it.  it’s complex, it utilizes each person in it’s varying sections to best suit their ranges and vocal strengths, there’s depths to it, despite moving away from svtn’s “boyish young love” style, and it’s catchy.  it’s a damn good pop song.

that could be argued to be the first step away of svtn getting more corporately-influenced.  but i still like it, after some time.  i don’t think it was “the beginning of the end” just because it was different.  it still was written with an ear to use every member’s individual voice and vocal strengths to their strengths, as an individual instrument.

i could go over more in-depth about thanks (which i do like) and the overall direction since then but like.  this latest song...it’s not good.  it’s not good, it’s not compelling, it’s not interesting, it’s not catchy, and least of all, it’s not svtn.  svtn was always a band that highlighted the sheer range they had, between wonwoo and seungcheol’s and mingyu’s lowest, roughest bass and seungkwan and dk and jihoon’s highest and most pure notes. there’s not a single performer in seventeen that can’t sing, and yet autotune was used for mingyu and seungcheol (both of whom are lovely singers within their low range, which this was) apparently as a style choice?? within the first 20 seconds.  which is, to me, immediately repellent. and then vernon, objectively the worst singer in the band (i know he likes to sing and i’m not mad at him but fight me on this) continues on with exactly the same droning note, not autotuned. then it cuts to dino and josh and like two other people all droning on the same note extremely uninteresting lyrics, all on the same note like five notes above the intro.  one stops singing and the other starts singing on the same note. it’s very not individual (as svtn was SPOSED TO BE) and very monotonous. i will say that a more direct reading of the lyrics while listening (and again, this song is painfully not catchy) seems to be pretty directly about losing one’s virginity. which i guess could be a step forward. but yes, while i know sex is about repeating patterns until it’s done, this is STILL too monotonous for me, and not sexy.

[internalstars]

LIT Retreat

Oh my, this is gonna be long but it was so fun!!

Friday (4/28)

so i didn’t go to coffee or micro and just came for work due to me needing as much sleep as i can get before the retreat, and i had to hand out some things to D and J and didn’t want to hold onto them for long. Went to work, J got the duffle, D bought and brought me some chick-fil-a :) E swung by and so did D but lets not get into that.... S passed by and asked if i’m excited about the retreat, moved to back booth, E came by and so did J, twas fun

got my stuff and had 30 min to chill, i forgot to charge my phone all the way tho :( started walking to car, i was riding w C!!! and J and J. got there first, we had small talk, J showed up, and talked to him for awhile, we were left in the car alone, wasn’t too awk, C came back and finally J came. 

we went to walmart, right when we got out of the car a woman approached C, and asked if we can buy her some diapers for her baby, C said sure and asked her to come w us, C was asking her about her life, and we walked around trying to find her some diapers and wipes, C went quickly to get something, so J just paid for S’s stuff, she wanted some food for her family so J and J went to Jack in the Box while J told me to find C and stay with him to get his things, he was like right there but they already left, so i went with him to find water bottles, J needed some as well, anyways, there was only a small section and then i was like wait theres more over there, we looked for quite a while until he was like yeah im gonna go back to the cheap ones lolol we also had to pick one for J and he was like pick one between red and neon yellow so i said red obv, we paid and then we saw some cardboard cutouts of a lady with a big dancing skirt and man with a sombrero and guitar, so C was like lets take a pic with those jokingly and i was like that is a good way to start off the retreat, and he was like yeahhh so we took pics, i was w the man and had to tiptoe and he took one w the lady staring off in the distance lol we went to go find J and J and lowkey was worried so i asked C if they were ok and he was like yeah yeah, went there and C got his snacks, apples and cookie butter and i was like omg i love cookie butter and he was like theyre amazing but nobody rlly knows about it, so when we were at the table he gave me a slice of apple and cookie butter on it and i ate it, it was v good, he gave some to J  too, and even handed me the snacks for me to get some more, but i was like nah im good, J was in the middle of talking to S about the gospel and we were just listening in and then she prayed for us and we all gave S hugs then went on our way

we just talked, getting to know each other, but J fell asleep and so it was quiet for most of the cafr ride, we arrived!

they were just sitting around the campfire (no fire yet) with their chairs, saw D and G and c so talked to them, grabbed my chair to sit w them, C asked for some of my hand sanitizer and i was like it smells rlly girly and he was like it has sparkles too haha you caught me irene lololol anyways, we just chilled, mostly talking about their piercings, finally introduced myself to J and she was hugged me, the campfire got started, and we started sterilizing the hangers on which we had to eat the hotdogs from, i stuck a hotdog in mine but forgot to wipe it off first so it was black on some parts, had a hard time cooking it lol, kinda got the tip burnt but that was it, just chilled, had a worship sesh led by A and W, then C talked for a lil bit, then we played werewolf! it was soooo fun! the first round i was the little girl so i knew who the werewolves are, and when it was time to accuse, i accused C lololol i forgot my first reason but the second was that all the dead ppl was pointing to him, so then he came to defend himself and was like if i was a werewolf i would kill the ppl next to me and i shouted yeah like toby! (who was right next to him) and everyone was like omgggg hahahhah so he got ousted, then i accused A bc he tried to nominate someone to divert attention from J, so he was out, then J was a team effort and so was M and T by me, M and W it was so great!! we won and W was like i knew yall knew what was going on and we were all just so happy omg it was just so great

 then the next round i was part of the couple which means if one dies the other dies w them, and lol so A called the couple out to know who they are and it was jsut me so everyone was like are they single lolol and C even volunteered to be the other one but it was handed to C, then somebody killed C so we both died p early but it was great to actually know everything that was going on, C was a werewolf (!!) 

that ended and then T and D and I were just talking, mostly them two, C cmame by to say gnight bc he was going to sleep, he said good game to me, then i just went over to the game going on, was so confused, and later C announced to clean up, D and I went to the bathroom, then to the tent, we changed and cleaned up, also no running water, so no washing hands or place to brush our teeth, we did it outside the tent and spat in the grass, was v uncomfortable sleeping that night, first bc i was just unsettled by the fact that i didn’t rlly feel like i belonged there w others, and i kept praying to God but i dont think i ever finished that prayer, it was cold and hot alternatingly, was afraid to hit M, kept rolling around, no pillow, and the wind was super loud, 

Saturday

woke up at 8 for breakfast, D woke me up, we got cleaned up, then i ate a banana, and one poptart from J, C was right across from me, D and I went to the bathroom, then just got ready for the day, we had down time, so I was talking to J and she was just trying to get to know me esp bc i said i was from the philippines, i got hit by a frisbee tho, J tried to warn me, but it was too late and it hit me in my ear and my cheek ish, dude it hurt bci t was hard, but it went away, i started tearing up and J was gonna get me a bag of ice, L was the one who threw it -.-, C came to joined our little group but turned around to watch the frisbee game so that he can protect us from getting hit lol, then we had worship led by K, and it was great, J talked and then we had 30 min to just have QT, so we each grabbed a chair and i prayed mostly and looked at some scripture and then prayed some more, after that, we had lunch, PB&J, dont rlly like it, was not in the mood, so i just ate some of my hot cheetos, J ate some too and J who hated spicy stuff actually tried a few, we were in a circle once again, i was w J and C and J then J joined as well as T and J and D and J, they just told some stories, and C came later with a sandwich and cheetos within it, he talked to me about my hot cheetos (sad he doesn’t like it) and said do you know what ive been craving? that filipino food truck, and i was like omg yeah theyre great but they dont come around often, and J was like you can track them on social media yeah lil thing but it was great, then we played games, so first we did the rope thing where we had to hold onto the rope and be fully supported bby tghe rope, i was next to J and C, we almost fell at one point, then we split up into 3 groups and did the human knot, we were the first ones out and it was super quick too, Z asked some team building qs, then our group tried it again but it didn’t work lol so we just played bang and that was super fun, never won but had fun nonetheless, then once the other teams gave up, we played this suepr fun game where we pretend that we were in an airplane crash and some got paralyzed, broken legs and arms, blind, mute, and healthy ppl, and basically the point of the game is to get everyone across the finish line within a certain time limit, i was picked to be paralyzed both times, so ppl had to carry me, L carried me the first time w M and D and i was the first one to make it there safely, it was sooo funny bc T was paralyzed and it took like 10 ppl to carry him it was so funny to watch, but we all made it in 3 min!! when we were given 10 min, so the next time, there were more paralyzed and unconscious ppl and more injuries and a lot more guys were picked and we were given 4 min, so we started complaining, but we made it in 3 min and 15 sec!!! A was the one who carried me this time, w J’s help, was one of the first to cross again, and when we finished they asked what was a struggle and successes and i said that there were always ppl ready to help me without me even having to ask, then we had chill time i think, or maybe this was before lunch idk tbh, but afterwards, J was just talking to me and asked me if my parents were believers, i told her my conflict about church and she said she wanted to talk about this more so she offered to have lunch w me, then lit team and lead team got separated and C talked to us and split us into groups of 3, i was w L who i met for the very first time, and C, we were supposed to be vulnerable and what to pray about, what you struggle w, and i told them about my feelings of doubt and fear, we prayed for each other, and after i prayed, C was apparently there, and talked lol idk how long he was there and if he heard my prayer, but he wanted to talk to C, anyways, we were just conversing afterwards, then got the whole group together and we discussed what have you learned from God this semester in which j was like to pace yourself and not take up everything even if they are all good works, G was like you are placed where you are for a reason, and some other ppl talked, then we all prayed one at a time and just waited for further instructions, the lead team was taking a really long time, so first the girls and i were just taking then i went to the pond and skipped some rock unsuccessfully w others, then just kept moving around, the girls finally found a table and just chilled there, B came by ad said that there has been some conflict and theyre just trying to talk it out now, so we were super hungry and thankfully C’s car was unlocked, so i went and grabbed my hot cheetos and gummy bears and baby wipes, we demolished all those and then we were finally called for what to do next, in which C was talking about how this is a serious time now, and the level of vulnerability from you is up to us, then we were told to get in a single line and my heart was beating rlly fast, i was not scared but anxious as to what it is, the lead team were all in a circle holding up cardboard signs, lit each had to take turns to read what was on it, and then write our own, if we want, then go back to the line, honestly i was tearing up before i read their signs and when i was in line again, i just kept crying, then we worshipped and then Z talked and it was in Luke when Jesus washed his disciples feet so the lead team washed our feet, E was the one who washed mine, and then C and B talked and we chilled til dinnertime, i hugged D and she was like we need to have monthly meetings next sem to just chekc up on each other adn we all agreed,we had chili, and then we packed up and headed home, the ride home was more enjoyable bc we were all just conversing and C asked what we wanted to do again in the lead team, and i was like coffee and C was like i just think that yall would make good small group leaders, and i told him why i didnt put that down (im not strong enough in my faith to handle all of them and schedule ofc), and C was like I accept the second reason but the first reason isn’t a reason (or somewhere along those lines), and honestly that struck me in the heart, i was like well that was what i thought... and he was like all the small group leaders though that way and probably still think that way, which was comforting to me, C asked about our music tastes me:none

then all BSM met at whataburger!!!!! omg it was so fun, we were the first ones to get there, all sons and daughters song played and C was like ive never heard of this song before and i was like really? even i have heard of this song and he laughed, then he was like im sorry guys my car stinks and i was like it was more of a group effort, and he was like thats comforting, anyways i sat w M and J and S at whataburger, got bbq chicken tender sandwich, D was supposed to sit w us but sat w J instead, we talked about majors and what we thought about this weekend, we extensively discussed the cardboard moment which everyone thought was heart provoking, then i was around G and L and C and A, L wants a piercing and T showed up but i was like nooo, D came to just rest on me, showed T my cartilage, then went to hbu, kinda dozed off on the way, hugged J and exchanged numbers, then hugged C, said bye to C, D, Z, and L as well. went home, showered and crashed.