#fun fact he was friends with my step-grandmother at uni although i only found that out at her funeral | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

crabsticksforbreakfast · 7 years ago

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I haven’t been on here for a while...

In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I updated you. I guess I could sum it up by saying, things were going well, really well, and then they weren’t, and now I’m confused and a little bit screwed up.

A few weeks ago everything seemed fine. S2 and I were talking pretty much every day, but underneath, something was bubbling up that I only vaguely suspected... S2, it seems, got scared.

During the last half term, he was getting pretty brave, and so was I. We even had a few “almost” moments. One of these was him messaging me to tell me his parents had gone out, effectively hinting that I could come round, but then he said they weren’t out for long which put me off going over. I really didn’t want the “first time” to be rushed. Going round his for a quick one would have cheapened the whole thing and I would have regretted it. As well as “almosts”, there was also one time when I invited him out for a drive. He neither said yes or no, and when it came down to it, and he got in touch with me that day, he decided it was too late, but he “would have if it had been earlier”. He also fobbed me off with the old excuse that he’d be working a lot during the week. When we reunited after the holiday, he told me he hadn’t gone in at all. Although to any sane person, all of this would have set off alarms, I settled it in my mind as I knew he was always going to be difficult to pin down.

Back at work, things were good. The banter flowed, and after hours, we still messaged. There were a few days when it trailed off, but I put that down to him leaving me to revise for my uni exam. And sure enough, once the exam had been and gone, he started messaging me again. This was on the Friday after he had made some hints about having a boring weekend ahead of him. I deliberately ignored his hints as I had told him during the holiday that I wasn’t going to ask again, and if he wanted to do something, it was up to him to ask me.

On the Friday we flirted, and on the Saturday, I went out with WW and Twin all day, which S2 knew about, so we didn’t talk at all. On the Sunday, we messaged again a little during the day, then a lot in the evening. Things got steamy, scarily so in fact. The things he was saying and coaxing me to say pushed me out of my comfort zone, and in the end I kind of snapped. Then, everything spiralled out of control between us and it ended with him telling me he hadn’t meant any of it and it was all just a “fun conversation”. I was mortified and said that if that was the case, we should stop. And it did. He said a couple of irrelevant things, then I pleaded for him to let me sleep, and when I checked my phone an hour later, he had deactivated his Facebook account. I felt the bottom fall out of my world. It was over.

The next day at work was awful. He avoided me like the plague and in the few moments we were in the same place at the same time, I couldn’t look at him. I felt humiliated. If this was all a joke, then I was surely the punchline. I felt the need to protect myself from him, and the only way I could do that was to shut him out. He stayed away, and as much as I wanted this, it also made me angry. I wanted him to fight to keep me. I was livid, yes, but I still loved him.

During that dreadful Monday, we finally found out about our jobs and whether they were safe or not. Mine is, S2′s isn’t. As the week went on and the odds were worked out, S2′s hopes of remaining at work seemed slim to none. He was devastated, but I didn’t know that because we weren’t talking. From what he had said to me on Sunday, I believed he wanted to leave. Either way, I was still too emotional to say or do anything. I didn’t even know what to feel most of the time.

On Thursday, I was in a mess. I was so confused and angry, and I missed him. All I could do was stare at his greyed out face on Messenger, willing him to return, but it seemed unlikely. Nothing made me feel better, even though I was really trying to keep afloat. Then, in the evening, a friend of mine who lives down the street posted something on Facebook which I commented on, and somehow it ended with her inviting me over for a cup of tea and a rant. I gladly accepted and went over, and I was shocked how she already seemed to know what was wrong.

“It’s about a guy, isn’t it?” She asked, sorting the tea. “Or should I say, a boy? Well, he’s not a boy, but he is very immature.”

How did she know? I was dumbfounded. As much as I credit S2 with a lot of maturity in some ways, he does have some very childish aspects, and in fact, during our spat, he admitted to being childish. It seemed weird to me that my friend, let’s call her Hen, knew so much. She led me into the garden and we sat on a bench. She told me to spill, so I gave her a summary of the whole story from beginning to end. Her perceptions were:

* He likes me, he’s just scared of commitment * He is autistic (she put it as eccentric, but later clarified that’s what she meant) * This wasn’t a lost cause, but it would have to be me who made a move to fix things * I should do something to show him how I feel - a handwritten letter

I resisted her idea at first (aaaagh, emotional vulnerability), but then she said something that really resonated with me.

“At this point, you have nothing to lose, do you? Pull the plaster off.” She was right. I really did have nothing to lose. He wasn’t even speaking to me, so if I lost him officially, it wouldn’t really be that different. I decided to do it, no matter how scary I found the idea.

Then, as we were discussing the situation further, Hen turned to me suddenly.

“Who’s Alice in your family?” She asked. I couldn’t think. There is no Alice in my family. Hen then said she was someone no longer living and I vaguely remembered there being an Alice far back in my family tree. I asked Hen why and she said, “She’s standing right here.”

My heart skipped a beat and a rush of positivity ran through me. Hen then gave me a few images to prove the validity of her claim, such as describing something in my house (a house she has never been inside). She then started to talk about my Grandmother, and to my amazement, she was also there! Hen passed on several memories from my Grandmother that she could never have known about, and then my Grandad appeared too! I said to Hen that I’d have loved to know what my Grandmother would have thought of S2 as it all started around the time she died. To my astoundment, Hen said, “This is very out of character for her, but she’s standing here doing this...” and put her two thumbs up. Thumbs up! That was mine and S2′s “thing”. The amount of thumbs we must have sent each other! I hadn’t mentioned that at all when I told Hen the story!

The spirits didn’t stop coming, and before I knew it, my brother was there, as well as my beloved Great Grandmother who has visited me before, my Grandmother’s brother, my old manager, my missing cats, and some other animals. The messages kept coming and coming, and some of them were so scarily accurate that there was no way this could have been fake. Hen knew all the names of my relatives, as well as details such as how old they’d been when they died, and how long they had been dead for. She even knew there was a cat buried in my garden. That happened YEARS before she moved into the street!

Hen’s husband cooked her some dinner, so I had to leave, but I felt like I was floating on a cloud! I’d been pulled back from the brink, if I’m honest. I had had a few worrying thoughts, but this boosted me to the point where I felt determined to fight and fix things, not just in terms of S2, but I wanted to take steps to make my whole life better. My Grandad had told me off for hating my body so much, and also for constantly checking to see if S2 had messaged me. He said he knew it would be hard for me to stop completely, but told me to ween myself off of it. I knew he was right. It was time to hang back, and as he put it, “go with the flow”.

The next day, I knew it was time to talk to S2. The plan was to get him alone and ask if we could stop being awkward. I didn’t need to in the end. When I arrived at work, I went to the exam room where the team were setting up. S2 was sitting with his back to me as I entered, and at that moment, I was too nervous to even look at him. As I buzzed around, I glanced at him and saw that he was watching me with a painfully sad expression on his face. It cracked my heart in two, but now wasn’t the time, not with everyone else there.

Once I’d gone to complete a small task, I returned and sat in the exam room, which was now empty. S2 was talking to the kids outside the door, then he came in and walked over in my direction, and as he glanced up at me, I managed to give him a tiny smile. It was as if I had pressed a button as he suddenly started to mumble something. I asked him if he was OK. He said he was and asked the same of me. We then had a very pointless conversation about tea until a student came in for a chat, which further helped to break the ice as it bridged the gap between us a little more.

Later on in the day I got another chance to talk to S2 alone and I asked him what was going on for him job wise. He was planning to apply for a teaching job, which in my mind seemed perfect for him, but he said he didn’t really want it. I couldn’t see why, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up by assuming he wanted to stay here for me. I gave him some reassurance then he went off to do something else.

That afternoon, Diva and I were discussing the work situation and I ended up getting really passionate about things, probably to the point where I made my feelings for S2 quite obvious, but of course Diva didn’t let on that she knew. We were pondering about the various people who for some bizarre reason are able to apply for S2′s job before him, and how we could put them off so he stood a chance of staying. I felt like a warrior and I no longer cared how obvious it was. Despite all the crap that had gone on between us, I still cared about S2 and wanted to fight for him.

Over the weekend, I had a chance to get my head together a bit. Skittles and I went to a gig to see one of my all time favourite bands. Their songs reduce me to tears and have always been somewhere to turn to when I’ve felt sad. At the gig though, I felt nothing but happiness as I sang along just a few feet from the stage. The next day, I felt inspired to work on some more music of my own. My Grandparents had also suggested I do this. As if by magic, I ended up writing a really good song that said everything I was feeling and also would have been obvious to S2 that it was about him. Even the title gave it away. In a moment of bravery/recklessness, I posted my song on Facebook. I kind of wanted S2 to hear it, but I didn’t expect him to, seeing as he wasn’t even active any more... I checked one last time and saw he was still missing, then went to bed.

In the morning I woke up and almost jumped out of my skin. He was back! I almost cried. But then I noticed that even though he was back, and still my friend, I had no ability to message him. What? Had he blocked my messages somehow? I couldn’t work it out. It would have been such a harsh move, and it didn’t make sense for him to do it, so I decided to go into work and see what happened rather than try to find explanations for it all - go with the flow.

At work, I was amazed at how normal S2 was being with me. I also caught him perving at my boobs. I knew even more than before that all he’d said about not meaning to flirt with me was a lie! He didn’t mention Facebook and neither did I, and when I got home, I had an idea. I deleted Messenger and reinstalled it, and that fixed the problem. I was now able to message him. I wasn’t going to, but at least I knew he hadn’t blocked me.

Throughout the week, things got better and better between us. We were talking like nothing had happened and sitting together at lunch. It also seemed like there was a little more hope for him staying around at work. I even played a part in this as I had managed to convince Nem to apply for a job elsewhere rather than go for S2′s job. There was no way I was going to let her take him away from me and weedle her way even deeper into my territory. Of course I put on a great act as supportive friend/motivational speaker, and there was no malice in my plan as such. It was all about preserving S2′s job.

Then, on Friday, I did something stupid. Stupid isn’t even the word... Embarrassing... Shameful. Yeah, those could work! I did something that would scare the living daylights out of any Facebook stalker... While hovering inside our chat, I accidentally managed to press to invite him to Messenger, which he has obviously not reinstalled. Crap, crap, crap!!! I panicked, the blood draining from my hands. How on Earth was I going to talk my way out of this one???

In the end I decided the best thing was to tell the truth, or a less pathetic version of it, that I had opened the chat then pressed it by accident. If he questioned me any further, I guess I’d just have to admit that I was looking at the chat because I missed talking to him. I think I’m beyond the point where I’m going to fight to preserve my dignity. Being made to feel like a joke had already put an end to that. Plus, with this uber emotional letter in its draft form, there was already a whole sack of emotional vulnerability to come...

I went to work knowing he wouldn’t see the notification until he next went on Facebook. I’d just have to act normally and enjoy my last day of freedom before he realised I was nothing more than a crazy stalker. Ugh. Luckily, the day was great. At lunch, he was ridiculously chatty and positive. It really did feel like old times, but I could tell he was still very conscious of how he was acting with me, trying not to be flirtatious. I tried not to over analyse it. He may have just been holding back because he knew how much he’d hurt me before. Who knows?

Then, at the end of the day, we bumped into each other as I was leaving and he gave me the biggest, most excited smile, like he was so pleased to see me. I still felt wary at the time, but once I walked away, I just felt happy. Things are OK between us, whatever that means at this point! Maybe this is just a bump in the road. Maybe hope isn’t lost!

Oh, and he still hasn’t seen my invite on Messenger! Aaaagh!!!

#love #love story #love stories

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