#full disclosure: this would’ve gone on forever if she didn’t just give in because like I am not very strong
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neurotypical people don’t understand the importance of floor time, like sure i could lay in the empty bed but the floor beckons me and who am i to ignore it’s call?
#whimsy whispers#the floor is comfy okay#I use to sleep in the floor because I wanted to as a child#I had a bed#but sometimes you see a spot on the floor and go ‘is anybody gonna lay there?’ and not wait for an answer#anyways I laid on my roommates mawmaw’s floor today and people very kindly told me I could lay in bed to which I was like ‘nah I’m good down#here’#I like the floor#I was also very tired and had a headache and wanted to pester try Alexia which I could not do in another room#I fought her over a bottle of sprite#I only ‘won’ because she eventually gave up#I didn’t even wanna drink her sprite I just wanted to pry it from her grip and we were just tangled both trying to yank it out of one#another’s hands#full disclosure: this would’ve gone on forever if she didn’t just give in because like I am not very strong#twas fun#at least once a week I need to physically mutually attack someone or else#the other week kane and I attacked each other in the kitchen I can’t even remember why#oh yeah I put my soapy hand on their arm and then did something back to me and it resulted in me being bear hug attacked from behind while I#tried so very hard to bite them
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The Red Name pt 4
part one || part two || part three
The bed was cold when Michael woke up. The sun was high in the sky and Alex was long gone. All that was left in the whole cabin were the sheets on the bed and Michael’s phone on Alex’s pillow. The notification light was blinking and Michael already didn’t care about what anyone had to say to him right now.
He unlocked it anyway when he saw the new email icon. He never got emails.
It was from Alex.
From: [email protected]
We should’ve talked. That was always our problem, if we’re honest. Too much sex and not enough talking.
I’m glad we didn’t though. You were right, we’d just make each other sad and angry and that’s not how I wanted to spend my last night with you. Because that’s what it was. Regardless of what happens on my deployment, we both know this thing between us is in the past and it’s time I gave up and moved on like you’ve managed to do.
Over the last two years I wrote you a lot of emails. Basically whenever I wanted to talk to you but couldn’t I’d write an email. I’m not sure why I’m doing this now but I just sent all of them to you. You can read them or delete them, it’s up to you, I guess.
I love you. That hasn’t changed and it never will.
Goodbye Michael.
A
Michael blinked away the sudden tears that sprung to his eyes. For all that he’d shoved Alex away over the last few years and flaunted the fact that he could move on, Alex telling him goodbye broke his heart. Michael wasn’t sure how they’d gotten to this point. It felt like one thing after another just piled on until there was no hope left. He wanted to fix it, even when he’d been with Maria part of him had wanted to fix it, he just didn’t know how. And now it was too late.
Rereading the email, he spotted the part about new emails and quickly exited out of that one. And there they were. Michael scrolled down to find the oldest one but it was impossible to tell. They didn’t seem to be in any particular order so he just clicked one and then another and then another.
From: [email protected]
I saw you at the Pony today. You looked like shit. Have you been sleeping? Eating? Or are you just existing on alcohol and acetone?
I hope it’s making you feel better because it’s not helping anyone. Not your sister, who really needs you right now by the way, not me, not Maria, and certainly not Max.
I wish you’d let me help you.
A
From: [email protected]
You drive me crazy sometimes you know that? First, you want nothing to do with me or Project Shepherd. And now it’s all you care about. Well, Project Shepherd at least. You still don’t seem to want anything to do with me.
Am I suddenly that repulsive to you? Because of my father? Fuck him. Seriously, Guerin, fuck. him. Don’t let him do this to us.
A
From: [email protected]
You could’ve at least done me the courtesy of telling me you were dating Maria instead of letting me find out by walking in on you two.
Fuck you Michael
From: [email protected]
You need to pull yourself together. Your sister is drowning and she needs you and you don’t even notice. Liz and I should not be the ones keeping her afloat. She needs her brother, dammit.
If only I could get you to stay in the same room as me for longer than 2 seconds
A
From: [email protected]
I can’t decide if you’re oblivious or stupid or just plain cruel
I get it, okay. You moved on. You’re happy. I’m happy you’re happy but I really don’t need a front row seat to you sticking your tongue down someone else’s throat okay? Would it kill you to cool it on the pda?
A
From: [email protected]
Max is back. You weren’t there.
A
From: [email protected]
I’m drunk. I shouldn’t bother with this it’s not like you’re going to read it anyway but I’m drunk and I’m lonely and it’s my birthday
Ten years apart and you never missed my birthday but now that I’m back you can’t be bothered? I want to be mad at you but I’m too sad to be mad
What did I do wrong Michael? Why are you doing this?
A
From: [email protected]
You ever throw something anywhere near the vicinity of Maria again and I swear to god I will knock you on your ass
Don’t touch her. Don’t even get close. I don’t give a shit how drunk you are
A
From: [email protected]
It’s the anniversary of Caulfield and I don’t want you to be alone but you won’t let me near you
I hope you told Maria what day it is or Isobel or someone. I hope you’re not alone.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry Michael
A
From: [email protected]
You look happy
I miss you
A
From: [email protected]
I never thought of us as having an anniversary, not really, but if we had one it would be today
I was ready, Michael. I was fucking ready dammit. Why’d you have to pick then to finally be the one to walk away? I mean I know I deserved it after all the times I left you but your timing sucks.
A
From: [email protected]
I got my new posting. Also got new orders to deploy. I’m leaving Roswell and I don’t think I’m coming back this time
A
From: [email protected]
You came by today. I’m pretty sure it's the first time you’ve been out here since you told me in no uncertain terms that we were done. You wanted more info on Project Shepherd, on the Alighting that Noah mentioned. You could barely look me in the eyes. It was like I was just a colleague and not even one you particularly liked that much and it hurt.
I get that we’re never going to be together but why can’t we be friends? Is it really that impossible? We’re either fucking or not looking each other in the eye? No in between? That’s bullshit
Why do you get to decide everything? When do I get a say in this? What if I want more? Do you even care what I want?
Don’t answer that. It’s pretty fucking obvious you don’t.
A
From: [email protected]
I had lunch with Liz and Rosa and Maria today. It was awkward and painful. I’ve never hated you before but I think I hate you for fucking up my friendship with Maria. She was all I had for years and now it’s ruined because of you
Be happy with her. Make it worth it
A
From: [email protected]
It’s not your fault. Me and Maria I mean. We fucked that up all on our own and neither one of us have really tried to fix it. You played a part, yeah, but don’t blame yourself for this too. You put too much on yourself already, you shouldn’t add this to it
A
From: [email protected]
You make a beautiful couple
Better than we ever did. Not that we were ever a couple. Not like you and Maria
We wouldn’t have worked right? That’s why you left? Because we would’ve crashed and burned?
Merry Christmas Michael
A
From: [email protected]
For someone who got angry every time I mentioned the Air Force you really didn’t seem to care that I re-upped. I don’t know what to make of that.
I’m going to protect you Michael, I promise. My father will never get his hands on you or your family ever again.
A
From: [email protected]
Why can’t I get over you? I’ve tried fucking other guys, dating other guys, it doesn’t matter.
I’ve never been able to get over you. I don’t know why I thought now would be any different.
All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted is you.
A
From: [email protected]
Full disclosure - I’ve had a lot to drink. Liek a lot
Did you know that your people essentially mate for life? Yep. Turn 30 and the true essence of your heart will reveal itself on your skin and name the person you love most. It will stay there forever. Cant be cut off or inked over. Cant change neither. Once its there its there
Your turning 30 in a few months
I wont survive seeing her name on you i wont
I filed papers for a transfer today. Project Shepherd is basically dead and by the time the transfer comes through it will be really dead and i cant stay here anymore im not strong enough. I need to be not here when her name comes
A
From: [email protected]
Its my name. Fucking hell Michael its MY name??
What the fuck have the last two years been if its mY FUCKING NAME?
A
From: [email protected]
It hurt before when i thought you’d truly moved on but this? Oh this takes the cake
You love me. More than LITERALLY anything. And you still dont care enough to be with me
This is…
You should’ve left me in Caulfield and just saved yourself
A
From: [email protected]
You left a birthday present in my car. Why?
Thank you
I love it
A
From: [email protected]
Her name is Mara.
She used to sing to the other prisoners when they were scared. She had such a beautiful voice.
You won’t let me tell you about her but I think you should know. This was your mother, you should know who she was.
I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to find out the right way. I really am.
A
From: [email protected]
I saw you on the street today. You were outside the jewelry store.
I wish you both a long happy life together. You both deserve it.
A
There were more. So many more. Michael had to stop and pace himself or he’d start breaking things.
It took him weeks to get through all of them. Some made him cry, some made him smash every fragile thing in Max’s house (he owed him new windows), but some made him smile.
From: [email protected]
I got a dog. Her name is Buffy. If anything happens to her I will kill everyone involved and then myself
Pics attached since I don’t know when I’ll see you.
A
From: [email protected]
Wilson’s getting married, can you believe it? I would’ve bet good money he’d die a happy bachelor. It’ll be so good to see the squad again. He invited everyone, even O’Brien.
He’s making me wear a tux, though, no uniforms :(
A
From: [email protected]
I think you’ve cursed me. I used to very happily not give a shit about football fuck you very much
(Eagles made the playoffs fuck yeah)
A
From: [email protected]
There’s this new prosthetic prototype the military wants to try out and somehow I landed on the shortlist of candidates to get it
It’s supposed to be so amazing you don’t even know. It’ll be waterproof! I can stand in the shower!
(its the little things sometimes)
A
From: [email protected]
I’ve really fucking missed Rosa. I know you miss your brother and I’m sorry but I never really let myself process how much I missed her
I promise to do everything I can to bring Max back. I owe him one
A
From: [email protected]
Rosa doesn’t like the jacket. She’s gotta go
A
From: [email protected]
I’m going to LA Pride next week. I’d ask you to come with me but you seem a little busy passing out on the floor of the Pony every night
I’m taking Isobel instead
A
From: [email protected]
I’ve got this new project at work that’s actually really interesting. I keep staying late to work on it and so Project Shepherd is falling behind but fuck Michael I love it
A
From: [email protected]
There was a crazy meteor shower last night. You would’ve loved it
A
From: [email protected]
The sunsets out here are unreal. I’ve been in a few deserts and seen a few coasts but nothing, NOTHING, beats this view
Its beautiful
A
From: [email protected]
It’s cheating on the Wild Pony, I know, but if you go over to Dexter there’s a great little bar that does open mic night on Thursdays.
It’s been a long time since I sang. I’ve missed it. You should come sometimes.
A
Michael missed out on a lot while he was with Maria. He never wanted to miss those moments again.
In the five weeks it took him to get through all of the emails, no one heard from Alex. He’d warned them he’d be out of touch but it was still jarring. Michael took to driving out to the cabin or bugging Rosa to let him play with Buffy just so he could feel close to Alex.
A week after he finished Alex’s emails he started writing his own.
From: [email protected]
You’ve been gone six weeks. I miss you. I’m pretty sure I lost the right to say that but I don’t care. I do.
I read all of your emails
M
From: [email protected]
I thought about responding to some of your emails individually but then I thought maybe just one would do it.
I’m sorry. I was a colossal jackass and you didn’t deserve any of it. I never should have blamed you for what your father did. You aren’t him, Alex.
There are only two people in my life that I trust to always be there: Isobel and you. Even when you walked away you always came back and I got used to that, I guess. When everything was spiraling out of control I needed someone to be angry at and I needed it to be someone who wouldn’t leave. Isobel was already going through hell so I picked you. I pushed you away as hard as I could and you stayed. You re-upped to protect me. You stayed in Roswell because you knew I needed you even though I refused to admit it. I put you through hell and you never said a word. Thank you. I should’ve said it a long time ago and I’m sorry I didn’t.
I’m sorry I finally pushed hard enough that you had to leave. Roswell’s your home and these people are your family. When you get back from your deployment you should come home and see them. I can leave if it’ll make it easier for you but you shouldn’t leave them just because I’m an ass.
M
From: [email protected]
I think Liz is actually dating both Kyle and Max. I’m also pretty sure Max and Kyle are not dating each other. Sometimes though...how sure are you that Kyle is straight?
M
From: [email protected]
I can’t decide if it’s too weird or not weird enough watching my sister and my ex girlfriend try to date.
M
From: [email protected]
You said you didn’t love me. Why did you say that if you did?
I don’t know that I would have done anything different but I’d like to think I’d have been more considerate about Maria had I known. I thought you were over me. You said you were.
M
From: [email protected]
It’s been three years since Caulfield and I’m alone. One of your emails mentioned that you didn’t want me to be alone but I am. I always am. No one understands. No one can possibly understand.
Kyle gave me a bottle of whiskey this morning. I’m trying to drink less but now that I’ve got a doctor’s seal of approval, I might just need to enjoy it.
M
From: [email protected]
I left my mom to die for you. I don’t think I would’ve left for anyone else.
M
From: [email protected]
I miss you. I think I’ve been missing you for years but you were right there so I didn’t realize it
Be safe. Come home
M
From: [email protected]
I’m a little obsessed with my mark ngl
It’s in my own handwriting but I wish it was yours. So it would actually be a piece of you with me
M
From: [email protected]
It’s crazy. When you were here all I could think about when I saw you was your dad and your brothers and Caulfield. I know it’s not fair and it’s not right but I can’t control it
But now you’re not here. And I look around the cabin and all I see is you making breakfast or burning the popcorn that one night we tried to watch a movie and ended up making out instead. I can’t sleep at the Airstream without thinking of you. Did I ever tell you that you’re the only person I ever brought home? Every other person I ever hooked up I either went to their place or found somewhere else. But not you. You came home with me.
Liz wanted a group outing to the drive in. But I said no. I can’t go there anymore.
M
From: [email protected]
My eyes are burning. Too much naked sister
M
From: [email protected]
First I see my sister having sex and now my brother’s asking me for gay sex tips
I can’t
M
From: [email protected]
When we broke up Maria accused me of being with her because I loved her less, because then she couldn’t hurt me. I thought she was crazy but now I think she had a point. I literally just walked in on her in bed with someone else (I’ve completely blocked out the memory of who it was) and it didn’t hurt. I’m just...happy for her. She smiles more these days than she has in a while
It's nothing like when I saw you on a date that one time and had the sudden urge to beat the guy into a bloody mess with my bare hands. It's a nice change of pace
M
From: [email protected]
It’s been four months since anyone’s heard from you. I hope you’re okay and just not allowed to contact anyone.
Please be okay Alex. I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not
M
From: [email protected]
Some idiot decided to put in a record store on Main St. Who even buys records anymore?
It has open mic night almost every night though. You’d love it
M
From: [email protected]
I seem to have moved into your cabin. Oops
The bed doesn't smell like you anymore :(
M
From: [email protected]
It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re not here and I don’t even know if you’d want to see me if you were but let me just say this:
You’re an asshole and I love it
You care so much about people, about your family (the real one not the jackasses named Manes), and you give so much of yourself for other people I’m constantly in awe of you
You named your dog after a vampire slayer; what a dork (next one should be Faith)
You are the strongest person I know. I put you through hell and you’re still standing and you somehow still love me. I don’t understand but I can’t complain
I miss watching movies with you even if your constant commentary can be annoying as hell
I can’t eat omelets at restaurants anymore, you’ve ruined me for life
Your voice is breathtaking; you should never stop singing
I love you
Happy Valentine’s Day Alex
M
From: [email protected]
Please just tell me when you’re home so I know you’re safe
M
From: [email protected]
Rosa has a boyfriend. It’s weird. We can’t talk around him. Too many secrets.
M
From: [email protected]
I broke the ship. Most of its still in the bunker but I scattered some pieces around town. The Airstream, Isobel’s, Max’s, the Crashdown, the Pony, other places too
The biggest piece is right here at the cabin. I needed it to be with you
M
From: [email protected]
Jenna’s back
M
From: [email protected]
Happy Birthday Alex
I’m sorry I missed one. I promise not to miss any ever again.
They probably don't have any good cake where you’re at so I’ll just have to take you out for some when you get home
M
From: [email protected]
I’ve co-opted Buffy from Rosa. She’s not getting her back
M
Over six months after Alex left, Michael received his first new email.
From: [email protected]
Subject: YOUR EYES ONLY
You’re unbelievable. Asshole
827 Willowbrook Cir #231
Marlow Heights, MD 20746
A
P.S. Don’t forget Buffy
#malex fic#rnm#my fic#this one is 100% malex#ch5 will be 0% malex to offset it#next time i decide to format a fic/chapter like this somebody punch me#i've had to reformat it 3 times and im DONE
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