#fucking with a lot of ambient this yr

[deankarolina]

some 2024 album releases picks

[loving-n0t-heyting]

Saw again the thread that floats around about the “hint of colour” scene in the birdcage, where the protags mom dad tries to dress and present as masculine against his nature. And how emotionally ppl relate to that

Strange to reflect on my own experiences there bc I definitely also caught lots of flak for how I walked/dressed/talked except not so much for being gay or gnc as for being a weird nerd. Like it was pretty fucked, have you ever had security come up to you and tell you off for the way yr walking? To have this be like, a recurring feature to yr life? Which was just the egregious tip of the whole constant repressive ordeal. But you can’t really tie that to a broader social movement in the same way! There is nothing like gay sex/relationships as an activity or social form around which to build a movement for behaving like a weird nerd. You can tie it to like, autism or adhd or whatever, but those are fundamentally clinical labels, which really changes the way in which that kind of movement works. Can you imagine if ppl replied to that scene in the birdcage saying, “oh I feel so seen as someone eventually diagnosed with lisping-prancing faggot disorder!” It would be utterly different. Different and worse

There is ofc the nebulous social identity of “nerd”, but the last two decades have been a ceaseless lesson in why it is a terrible idea to attach great political importance to that

Anyway it’s a pity, there really is a behavioral constellation around this stuff the same way there is around sissy gay men, one you don’t need recourse to neurological conditions or self identified hobby/aesthetic affiliations to notice, and ppl really do get eaten alive over it for no good reason, but not in a way that can be rendered coherent to ppl incapable of morally reasoning from principles instead of shutting off criticism for clearly delineated characteristics once it’s drilled by ambient social reinforcement into their thick skulls such characteristics are Valid. Oh well!

[pararennial-archived]

MUNDAY DASH GAME?

———  BASICS! ♡

NAME! ♡ -     Chilla !

PRONOUNS! ♡ -     she/her/hers

ZODIAC SIGN! ♡ -      gemini sun. aries moon. cancer rising.

TAKEN OR SINGLE! ♡ -     stares at this question in ace-aro...

———  THREE  FACTS! ♡

1! ♡ -      I have 2 chinchillas, one of them is 18 yrs old and the other is his son who is 11 yrs old!

2! ♡ -      I’m a metalhead, but my tastes have grown more eclectic over time and I appreciate the more experimental and ambient side of metal.

3! ♡ -      I’ve been binge watching the A.nimal P.lanet channel on Youtube, along with B.ondi Vet because I love animals. I’m really that simple.

———  EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED! ♡ -     tumblr... tumblr is literally my only forum where I got to seriously rp for the first time in 2013. Think the first time I sorta roleplayed was in my preteen years and collaborating with friends who loved making OC’s and we were writing stories together until our friendships fizzled out. Those where cool times!

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! ♡

FEMALE, MALE OR NONBINARY! ♡ -     In the past, when I had short lived muses, I tend to gravitate towards femme-aligned muses because that’s how I roll, and it’s my way of saying “fuck off” to the worship of white male muses here. 

MULTI OR SINGLE! ♡ -     I really don’t care as long as your muses are fun, interesting, and engaging to write with. Basically my criteria is reduced to what I believe to be interesting, or if there’s someone out there who makes me wanna yell out “Fuck yeah! That’s what I’m talking about!” Again, my tastes are eclectic, but as my mutuals confirmed, I have good taste. If we’re talking shipping, my muse is literally no where near the stage of wanting a ship. Lots of reasons behind it, the poor girl has constantly changed the combination and swallowed a lot of keys to her heart. I mean it’s not impossible, it takes a whole lot of patience.

FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡ -��    Fluff and angst are things that are prevalent in my writing, along with a dash of humour, horror, and action. You won’t find smut on my blog because my sex-repulsed ass won’t allow me, and even if I tried, it would be like me walking into a room and forgetting why I’m here, and then promptly leaving because I just couldn’t vibe lol.

PLOT / MEMES! ♡ -     Why not both? I love mixing spontaneity along with plotting, too much of either doesn’t help my writing. I’m grown to be a little more laid back in that department.

TAGGED BY! ♡ -    @undrowns ty!

TAGGING! ♡ -    anybody who has a lot of time!

[brooktm]

˙  ˖  ✧  ariana  grande  ,  24  ,  cisfemale  ,  she/her  //  was  that  BROOKLYN  ESPOSITO  stepping  aboard  the  GUCCI  JET  ?  oh  now  it’s  a  party  !  we  all  know  they  can  be  pretty  DETACHED  ,  but  also  pretty  SOPHISTICATED  on  a  good  day  ,  just  like  a  CAPRICORN  .  they’ll  be  blasting  HEARTLESS  BY  THE  WEEKND  for  most  of  the  plane  ride  ,  i  can  already  tell  .  i  think  they  added  FIJI  ISLANDS  to  the  list  of  places  to  visit  this  year  .  let’s  pop  the  champagne  and  get  going  ! 

sup  friends  !!  i’m  jen  ,  also  formally  known  as  that  dumbass ,  u  might  feel  free  to  address  me  by  either  i  rly  dont  mind  .  ANYwho  this  is  brooklyn  !!  also  a  trash  bby  who  thinks  waaaay  too  highly  of  herself  n  rly  shouldnt  bc  she’s  dumb  .  SO  there is some  info  on  her  after  the  beep  n  also  some  connection  ideas  n  a  pinterest  board  bc this  bitch  is  artsy  .  also  like  ...  its  been  a  hot  min  since  roleplaying  was  a  thing  for  me  so  i’m  gonna  have  to  ask  for  a  lil  of  yalls  patience ... its  a  slow  process  getting  caught  up  on  these  aesthetics  fam .  

ok  so  meet  brooklyn  .  full  name  is  brooklyn  elisabetta  esposito  n as  yall  can  guess ...  shes  italian  .  brook  comes  from  a  family  of  old  money  n  its  so  old  no  one  rly  knows  how  they  even  became  rich  ?  they just  have  been for  as  long  as  they  remember  .  nowadays  ,  the  family  branches  into  a  bunch   of  different  business  ,  since  its  a  huge  family  filled  with  aunts  n  uncles  who  shes  met  maybe  once  of  twice  in  her  life  .  her  immediate  family  (  dad  )  ,  however  ,  has  branched  into  the  wine  business  ,  so  they  have  several  different  vineyards  both  in  the us  and  in europe  ,  and  subsequently  a  multimillion  dollar  wine  company  . 

brooklyn  was  born  to  henrico  esposito  (  one  of  six  children  .... like  ,  seriously )  n  his  first  wife  ,  adrienne  an  american  model  he  married  when  they  were in  their  early  20s  .  brooklyn  was  the  second  born  child  ,  and  in  five  years  they  were  divorced  after  a  cheating  scandal ,  n in  the  decade  n  half  that  followed  ,  her  dad  married  four  more  times  n  had  five  more  kids  ..  reaching  the  total  amount  of  seven  children  .  he  likes  kids  yall .  brooklyn  was  raised  by  her  mother  n  isnt  rly  close  to  her  dad  ,  she’s  just  constantly  eyerolling  at  him  tbh  .  she  is  however  rly  close  to  her  maternal  grandma  elisabetta  who  she  basically  adopted  her  entire  personality  from  .  which  reaches  the  point  of  her  personality

soooo  brooklyn  likes  to  think  of  herself  as  basically  a  master  of  emotions  .  cool as cucumber  n  the  ultimate  manipulator  .  n  she  kinda  is  in  some  aspects  ?  but definitely  not  to  the  extent  she  prides  herself  .  she  likes  to  keep  her cards  v  close  to  her  chest  ,  so  u  will  rarely  (  if  ever  )   find  her  in  the  middle  of  an  emotional  outburst  or  tantrum .  she  also  has  that  deadpan  thing  down  n  will  not  hesitate  to  stare  u  down  with  the  blankest  expression  just  to  make  you  uncomfortable  lol  n  she’s  also  rly  closed  off !!  its  rly  hard  to  get  her  to  emotionally  attach  to  u  BUT  if  she  does  ,  its  bc  she  definitely  doesnt  hate  you  as  much  as  she  wants  u  to  believe  .

also !!!  likes  to  be  the  classiest  bitch  in  whatever  room  she’s  in  n  she’s  SUPER  high  maintenance  dont  ever  call  her  for  anything  other  than  a  fancy  CLASSY  thing  n  expect  her  to  show  her  face  .  but  also  ….  put  some  alcohol  inside  this  girl  n  she  will  definitely  get  caught  giving  a  lap  dance  to  a  fuckin  empty  chair  n  like  …. ask  every  single  person  around  her  to  take  her  to  the  nearest  mcdonalds  so  she  can  eat  some  fucking  chicken  nuggets  .  HONESTLY  she  rly  is  a  high  maintenance  ho   but  no  one  can  be  that  classy  all  the  time  dont  judge  her  for  wanting  some  FUCKING  chicken  nuggets  !!  

that  being  said  she  is  also  SO  protective  of  those  around  her  .  even  tho  she  might  claim  to   hate  u  ,  she  will  go  to  war  w  that  bitch  that  said  ur  shirt  was  ugly  no  questions  asked  .  is  also  very  unimpressed  w/  things  in  general  so  it  takes a  Lot  to  get  her  approval  in  p  much  anything  ur  doing  .  that  being  said  i  did  say  she’s  a  dumbass  who  thinks  she’s  very  smart  n  like  ...  10/10  she  will end  up  being  that  one  friend  who  will  go  complain  abt  ur  stupid  plans  but  end  up  getting  arrested  w/  u  .  

in  regards  to  her  love  life  ,  brooklyn  is  p  open  as  a  bisexual  girl  .  she’s  not  a  v  romantic  girl  tho  ,  like  she  doesnt  rly  have  a  romanticized  idea  of  love  (  her  father  has  been  married  like ... 17  times  yall  )  n  her  relationships  so  far  were  usually  more  abt  convenience  &  ease  than  passion  /  love   at  all .  that  being  said  she  doesnt hate  love  or  run  from  it  she  just  doesnt  feel  it  frequently  n  doesnt  actively  pursue  it ??

ok  so  u  will   now  find  some  headcanons  abt  this  head  job:

u  will  never  ever  find  her  without  heels  on  bc  she’s  too  short  to  be  elegant  lmao  i  hate  her

loves  dogs  .  animals  in  general  but  most  of  all  dogs .  funds a  bunch  of  animal  rescues  n  will  pet  a  dog  no  matter  what  whenever  she  sees  one

will  cry  everytime  she  watches  tangled  no  questions  asked

lip  gloss  queen  will   be  wearing  lip  gloss  everytime  u  see  her

has  had  a  diary  her  entire  life  and  carries  one  w  herself  wherever  she  goes

is  the  least  crushy  person  ever  .  has  got  0  celeb  crushes  .  henry  cavill  who  ?  she  has  no  time  for  dudebros  in  her  life

took  ballet  lessons  up  until  she  was  nineteen  yrs  old  n  set  fire  to  all  her  pointé  shoes  when  she  gave  it  up

has  a  reaaaaally  loud  laugh  but  its  not  a  big  laugher  so  u  need  to  be  extra  funny  to  get  it  out  of  her

there  is  so  much  more   but  im  so  lazy  @god  why  u  do  me  like  that  ?  anyways  i  got  some connection  ideas  but  those  r  pretty  shallow  n  general  n  i  love  coming  up  w  things  from  scratch  ,  so  feel  free  to  hit  me  up  for  some  brainstorming  !!  but  yea  i  would  love  some  polar  opposites  best  friends  w  someone  who’s  rly  bubbly  n  adventurous  n  doesnt  suck  the  joy  out  of  all  ambients  like  brooklyn  tries  to  do  lmao  .  also  some  exes  maybe  someone  she’s  in  good  terms  w/  bc  it  wasnt  a  v  passionate  relationship  but  also  someone  she  rly  liked  but  when  things  ended  it  was  all  v  awkward  or  maybe  it  ended  on  bad  terms  bc  they  rly  liked  each  other  ?  some Family  connections  !!  she  has  a  huge  family  so  cousins  or  2nd  cousins  or  even  siblings  !!  sexual  relationships  that  r  either  v  shallow  or  v  messy  would  also  be  nice  bc  its  good  to  have  brooklyn  lose  her  temper  every  once  in  a  while  ?  someone  who’s  always  trying  to  get  her   to  freak  out  like  friends  who  annoy  each  other  ?

[rek88k]

sad/angry grrl music suggestions from high school part 1

@afoxnamedmulder yo this is more comprehensive then I meant but welp here we are. thanks for the push:

Also disclaimer bc like. Most of this music is either like. technically musically shitty or deals with a shit load of mental health or just flat up depressing/suicidal topics. Like seriously, lot of these bands deal or address heavy ass topics so. heads up if that is not your jam. I am progressively realizing as I get older I was wayyy more depressed in high school then I previously thought and i’m pretty sure the music helps prove that :/

ANY

MUSIC!

FLATSOUND: lofi/spokenword/ambient/instrumental music. Mitch is a blessing of gentle creativity. My top suggestions for him would be the albums sleep . Scotland, i wish you had stayed (i would die for the song i exist i exist i exist). I got into him through his spoken word piece you said okay because i was a sucker for spoken word in middle school (ngl still am :P) He has really dope collaborative projects in both photography and music, available at his site. <3

German error message: AHHHHHHHHH! I cry! every time I listen! Truly the music is just so reflective and biting in relation to my own emotions and shit, but it does it in the most gentle way possible. the music swells and swells and swells, but instead of crashing its a gentle receding of the tide, until it's a trickle. After the warmth is such a solid album especially ugh :)

Next 4 bands are all related so they all sound similar/ish and have similar themes woo.

JULIA BROWN: lofi/pop/indie. Library is such a killer song goddddd. To be close to you is my fave album but an abundance of strawberries is also vvvv good.

Starrycat: lofi/pop/indie it’s such a wonderful album just. pleasant so fricking pleasant

Teen Suicide/American Pleasure club:Lofi/emo/electronic/indie look. look - teen suicide is a hallmark of sad lofi indie music and for a good reason. they are sad as shit and good as shit. DC snuff film / Waste Yrslf is my fave teen suicide (combo of two of their albums), while i blew on a dandelion and the whole world disappeared is my fave American pleasure club. They are the same band btw idk why the name change happened.

Ricky eat acid: lofi/experimental. you get sick; you regret things is probs my fave

Salvia Plath: Lofi/experimental/electronic Melanchole. is such. a good. album

Next two bands are related

Elvis Depressedly: Lofi/experimental/electronic god do I love the weird ass stylings of Matthew Lee Cothran. Elvis Depressedly is either reaaaal weird sounding or nostalgic or sad. all good all around. Fave albums are goner (mickey yr a fuck up is gr8) Mickey’s dead (u angel u is just *heart eyes*). I haven’t had a chance to listen to the new album depressedelica but I’ve heard good things

Coma cinema: Lofi/experimental/electronic. Ditto to above basically. Fave album is posthumous release (i am a sucker for white trash vhs)

Dandelion hands: Lofi/Emo  Nick Heck is hecking good. sing me something sweet to sleep to is my fave album i think. this song tho is the best

Sandy (Alex G): Folk/Indie rock/pop I found him through fan music video for sarah and fell down the rabbit hole that is his music.He has so many albums and unreleased albums and limited release albums jesu s. He’s got a knack for describing certain weird emotions in life. idk lyrically and instrumentally he just hits really good for me. Album wise I’m partial to RACE (gnaw the most)

THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE & I AM NO LONGER AFRAID TO DIE (TWIABP): Ugh what can't i saw about this band. their music... reaches? idk how to describe it really but its good, the lyrics are so wonderfully and prettily written, and the instrumentals just :) .They get a bit screamy heads up but like. Tastefully screamy? Harmlessness and Whenever, If Ever are tied for my fave album. Also heads up about Between Bodies - I personally like it but it’s pretty different from everything else and some people have... strong opinions on it’s worth. make your own decision and ignore them tho bc people like to be mean.

TOLD SLANT: Look it's just gentle sad music sung in an interesting way? The vocal performance of the lead singer is aggressively gentle? like idk how else to put it it is just. delicate pain on the verge of  breaking. Tsunami is one of my fave all time songs ngl and the album it is from, is wonderful

ATTIC ABASEMENT: Look. Imma level with you - I found them off an 8tracks Steve/tony werewolf au mix and I have never been happier. downs the lot of them but good, good tunes. Dancing is depressing is a fucking kick ass album but give a listen to the attic abasement / Nod split - it is a collection of jams

SO YEAH!! there more downtempo/softer/depressing stuff I know I’m missing but that’s all i can think of atm :P Most if not all the bands here I think are own Spotify or youtue btw, I just listed them on bandcamp because I use it more than Spotify. I’m not claiming that any of this music is like, objectively good, most of it probs isn’t, but i love it dearly and will stand by it.

also check out David Dean Burkhart He’s made music videos for so many weird or solid bands. he’s doing mostly just music suggestions/uploads now, but those still, in general are really good as well. TheLazylazyme also is good for this. PanifisWater too.

Imma make another post later at some point about the like for uptempo/angrier stuff. 1 somewhat pretentious sounding genre down, another to go!!

[susanthejournal]

TWO POEMS / an. cinquepalmi

ursa any i hate the word get because i’m antigone she needs what doesn’t sound like any hetero ring to lean on she wails well          deep          replete kiddy pool coffin unbearable          casper gastly      w/o forethought you address her when she doesn’t have an address what patterning grid rids you from respect jenny said gender is surprisingly determined in the space between the crown & brow ridge she considers this distance (longing looks good on her) threatening to open the face a bee inside a reliquary fish is feverish thank you for coming out ursa any accede or outsmart my trans ambient clamor accept-me-not untainted i want to embody the distance yr hate presumes i’m not sure or sedate i just did a lot of work wittgensteining the clit in a tongue tie overnight service bells clippy my ear i see that you like poetry when hot cis white girls post sum you can defend yr self or show me the pro$echo location the museum cannot afford to ward off capital friendloves i’m sry life brought you fire when we needed air my first ty ranosaur was “sue” don’t fuck up & name a discovery after you ⁂ an. cinquepalmi poeticizes her doubt & lurks for pay in los angeles. she was a transparent extra in the extended universe. find more ursa any online w Apogee & Polyester Magazine. her orchid's name is *lilith too*; it’s not dead yet either.

[persondudeman]

Before I post about any new band or anything like that, lemme go through the bands I’ve done so far and deliver my hot takes in as quick a format as I can. BIG OLE BAND POST BELOW THE CUT!!

Yes: The 70′s period is classic and they released a bunch of really high quality albums during that time. As far as I’m concerned the only bad ones during that time were Tormato and Tales From Topographic Oceans. Drama on the other hand is an underrated gem in their discography and everything after 90125 is bad except for Fly From Here. Emerson Lake and Palmer: First two albums were too unfocused for my taste but Trilogy and Brain Salad Surgery are jams. Other than that, Works Vol. 1 was ambitious and most of the Palmer helmed songs are jams. Everything after that though is a skip for me. Van Derr Graaf Generator: Their 70′s period was really interesting and Peter Hammill had a really unique voice that added a lot of grit to their songs. Lots of jazz fusion elements and even some more bleak lyricism than what a lot of prog was doing at the time. That said, everything after The Quiet Zone/The Pleasure Dome I’d skip.    Porcupine Tree: Emo music for people too self conscious to listen to emo music. I kid, PT is legit. They’ve got a very unique style of like, somber prog rock with acoustic elements that lead to some really good stuff. Signify is the place where they really started strong and then everything they did in the 2000′s was pretty great musically. That said though, I think they really hit their stride conceptually from Deadwing onward. Before that it was a lot of Steven Wilson whining about how being a musician sucks because he has to sell music. Speaking of... Steven Wilson: I honestly wasn’t a big fan of most of his solo work but Hand. Cannot. Erase. is AMAZING!!!! It’s probably my favorite thing Wilson has ever done. Recently though, To The Bone was a really bold release that while I didn’t really like too much of it, I respected the change in style and willingness to experiment.  Opeth: A pretty interesting metal band that really came into their own around Still Life. Depending on who you ask, after still life they either continued to improve on their sound or basically released the equivalent of Still Life 2, 3, 4, and 5 with a 70′s inspired album in the middle of it all. All I’ll say is that of that era of Opeth, Ghost Reveries is my favorite Opeth album with a close second being a tie with Watershed and Blackwater Park. Deliverance I wasn’t too into and Damnation I thought I’d like a lot more than I actually did. After Watershed however came a shift in their sound with Heritage. Basically, zero screaming and a lot more folk oriented. For the most part I think it got worse with each passing title, but there’s gems in all 3 of those albums. The only albums that I’d full on skip are Orchid and Morningrise.  Marilion: This band was something else. They started off playing neo-prog rock but they very quickly abandoned that style for basically anything under the sun from jazz to electronic to soft rock to even pop. This made for a band where I had no clue what to expect. One album I’d really like it but the next one I’d want to skip. The one thing I will say definitively is that the press was unfair to them. Because of the nerdy name (Marillion as in Silmarillion) and neo-prog label, every music outlit at the time wrote them off even though they barely played the music and even though I admittedly didn’t like a lot of their stuff, I can respect that it wasn’t for me and that it would have been for somebody if they were exposed to it. As for me personally, I really like Script For A Jester’s Tear and Clutching at Straws. Other than that, House off marillion.com is probably their best song. It’s one of the few Marillion songs I consistently come back to and it’s just great. The album itself is very lopsided but that song almost makes up for all of it.  IQ: Holy shit I’d been sleeping on these guys! Whereas Marillion was slagged for being neo-prog, IQ actually played the shit and more often than not it fucking SLAPPED! If you like synths and you like prog you’ll LOVE IQ. My favorite album is probably The Wake but honestly, aside from 2 albums they did with a different vocalist, it’s all pretty damn good!  Godspeed You! Black Emperor: Their music was very intense. That’s the one word I’d describe it with. Either intense death feelings like their first album or intense emotional highs on Lift Yr Skinny Fists, Godspeed never went halfway with anything. And even though at the worst of times it ended up in them basically being the generic idea of what an “artsy band” sounds like, I admire the hell out of them for their willingness to experiment. Luciferian Towers is probably my favorite because it’s their most accessible and most raw they’ve ever been at the same time and it sounds great.  Mogwai: A little more my speed when it came to post rock. I really liked the experimentation with electronic elements and even stuff like singing in their earlier stuff. They experimented a lot like Godspeed, but also always kept an ambient core to their sound that really worked! My favorite albums are Mr Beast and Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will. Silver Mt Zion: I don’t know how they did it but members of Godspeed You! Black Emperor made music that was way too much for me. And when it wasn’t too much for me there was too much folksy stuff for my taste to really get into it. They’ve got a couple albums later on that are pretty tight like Kollaps Tradixionales but other than that it was too much. Dream Theater: A band that sometimes wrote really good music but could rarely carry a whole album. Unless it’s Metropolis 2 or the second part of Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence, I only kept individual songs from different albums after that. Anything other than that I skipped. Helloween: Just some good ass power metal! They found a formula early on and really stuck with it and aside from a few detours into both a pop and a darker direction respectively, most of their albums give you that straight to the face, European style power metal with all the yells and guitar solos that could warrant. If you like your music like you like macaroni, that is to say cheesy and fucking awesome, Helloween is your friend. My favorite album personally is Better Than Raw but a good rule of thumb is if its got a cool album cover, it’s a good Helloween album.  Explosions in the Sky: These guys pioneered the style of cinematic, cathartic post rock that nearly every new band in the post rock scene has tried and failed to ape since. What they lack in experimentation they more than make up for in consistency and if their style of post rock is something you need they’re more than willing to provide it. My favorite album is predictably The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place because Your Hand In Mine just feels like a song that was playing while the universe was being born. If you believe in god, they definitely have Your Hand In Mine on their playlist. It has the scope of a song that has existed since time immemorial and for that alone I’m willing to overlook the fact that there wasn’t much innovation after it because where do you go when you have ostensibly conquered the genre you helped create?     

[loving-n0t-heyting]

homosexual regret:

Thinking back on why I stayed in the closet/denial for so long even when I was in an extremely liberal social environment in an extremely liberal city/state living with my extremely liberal parents; I can remember one moment in particular I was chatting with someone on a dating site when they mentioned they were interested in actually dating rather than discreet hookups and freaking out about it. This is the behaviour of a good Evangelical father of three living in Waco, TX with his trophy wife making sure they don’t learn what he gets up to in the woods with his hunting buddies, not a weird single nerd with a civil rights lawyer dad attending a school where about half the student body in 2011 seemed to get arrested at occupy protests

Part of the explanation is the obvious. Homophobia in its overt forms, heteronormativity in its ambient forms, lots of other repressed identity issues, my political discomfort and confusion with a lot of the gay rights movement at the time, etc. Plus I was bi, so I could just do straight dating yea?*

But another part is that everybody would have made such a huge fucking deal if I “came out.” Plenty of ppl back before obergefell were capable of being nice if you started dating yr own sex but nobody was capable of being fucking normal about it. The soft bigotry of obsessive fascination. I think in some ways this was worse if you were bi bc “mono gay but I’m just yr ordinary girl/dude” was a Type of Guy ppl had worked on but if you are actively choosing same-sex relationships when you have the option of straight dating instead* you can’t just like, pass it off as a weird little constraint you have to live with

This is why when I came out to parents I did it right after an even bigger personal revelation and just dropped the fact I was looking for a samesex relationship in conversation without giving them the chance to press for details. I fucked up so many decisions during that time but aggressively casual decloseting was one I look back on with pride

~~~~~~~~~~

*ofc in actuality I did not have the option of straight dating, as don’t large swaths of actual straight ppl. The standard costs of doing business in het dating/hookup culture are so obscene (on both sides) that a reasonable person would instantly regard them as dealbreakers, the way most normies immediately discount a potential relationship where you have to move halfway across the globe, throw out yr entire wardrobe, grow yr hair out in one of those padawan rat tails dyed vomit green, and fuck exclusively while wearing a fullbody gorilla suit—all for the sake of like, Some Guy with minimal redeeming qualities beyond compatible bits. But this collective insanity requires a heavy dose of the red pill to perceive