#fucking theres a guy with a circle for a head and another dude made of wires?? and a book head guy Ok this is FIne.

[euclydya]

what the fuc

[haveihitanerve]

Yet another one- You guys know the drill :) :

Sams appreciative smile of Tom’s introduction of the idea of what they're doing, amazing supportive friendship

“One man, six strangers” This audience member is fun!!! “I've seen that video1” Tom help-

“Theres only thhhreee people up here” yes good math Tom, very nice

“Bilbo Baggins finds a diamond.” “Strong rip-off vibes there” tom i cant

“The confused racist panda” the confused raci- wh-whatttt

“You lost us right in the middle there.” thank you for showing it with your hands Tom, i really needed that actually

“You get three very white guys on stage and go “lets talk racism” it doesn't end well.” With you three i think it might, but fair point- also i thought he was just grabbing a drink- wheres luke??? 😭

“Is that from Twin Towers guy?” ok i didn't see the first half of the show- but thats an insane way to be categorized/known, also AJ fucking losing it is always a gem, love that

Even sam had to hang his head for that one lmao what did you do twin towers guy???

“The excited chinchilla?” Glances around at Sam and AJ. “What do you guys like so far?” Genuinely my heart omg-

“I like the excited chinchilla- what does that, what does that look like exactl-” AJ you better be asking about what the scene could possibly look like and not what the animal-

“What does a chinchilla look like?” AJ please 😭

Also just to mention- when he started speaking Tom pointed to him and idk but it made something inside me smile so… mentioning it…. moving on

“Its like a cute little-” forms a ball with his hands. I gotta say Tom, thats pretty accurate. “Gerbil-y sort of thing.” Sam finishing his sentence i cant 😭

Also if Tom keeps pointing to them like that i might actually lose it-

“What he said.” I love them so much and i don't even know why this sentence specifically made me scream that but um… yeah

Sam and AJ just standing up, trying to figure out wtf they're gonna do…hoping inspiration will come from being elevated or smth ig

“You know some people get a dog i guess.” AJ i fucking love you-

His shrug also- cutest thing i've ever seen in my life

Ok idc where this relationship goes- but Sam and AJ being in love is rarely a thing and i didn't know how much i needed it until now but its adorable- Sam has the sweetest smile and AJ genuinely looks afraid of this nonexistent chinchilla but calmer the closer Sam gets and ahhhhh

Also sam talking about children😭i know they’re fake but planning a future together- my heart-😭

- i genuinely did not see Tom coming- XD losing my lung rn laughing what- and he does the raspy worker dude voice so well- help

“Thanks dad.” AJ marry me rn. 

HE EVEN CAUGHT SAM OFF GUARD!!!!!

“...chinchilla.” The way he said that- wh-sir why??? 

Sam and AJ are both also caught off guard- oh this is gonna be a fun one i can tell- literally both breaking together at Tom’s strange growl 

“Was this your idea?” Perfect gruff disapproving dad Tom, 10/10

“One moment sweetheart.” yes yes!!! Protect your daughter, take aside the boyfriend/husband???-it hasn't been established yet- and then… idk what actually but yes i love how gentle he was to AJ lol

“Listen i like you, yeah?” The audience understands lmaooo!! Sam thats never a good sign, run

Tom breaking- his little peek at AJ and then having to cover his mouth to hide his smile Ahhhhhhh so cute!!!

OH!!! He looked over because AJ was laughing at him- got it!!!

*AJ playing with the chinchilla* thank you captions- but im pretty sure that was just him almost dropping it-

“I think you've made a mistake here-” AJ wheezing

“Don't look at her-” “i love her!” THATS LOW SAM!!! THATS LOW!!! HE WASN'T TALKING ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER- HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE CHINCHILLA!!!! WOWWWWWW

Ok im better now (fuckin hilarious also sam, stellar)

“Shh-shhhut up.” we always love the drawn out shhhhut up

“I don't mean my daughter,” thank you for clarifying tom

AJ is running out of things to do lmaooo- holding it up to the light, turning in a circle, ah zabenya-ing it

“Just keep your door locked at night yeah?” TOM WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN??? HELLO????? I was not informed this was a horror story-

Sam is equally as confused as to where hes taking this- oh hes miming now

“At the bottom of your door you've got a- one of the draft excluders” tom what does that mean 😭

“I hope im overthinking this” you are, you so are, but i cant wait to see where this goes- oh my gods

“Keep your eyes open. Especially when you’re sleeping..” okkkk thats creepy and totally normal and what a father in law totally says-

AJ is tired of being a side character- lovely “boy chat??” idk what his hand movements are but im loving it

Sam side eyeing Tom is amazing

“You remember-” that lunge forward is worse than anything a chinchilla can do tom what- 

Also Sam and AJ breaking, they did not see that coming’

“They can feel you breathing… they can always feel you breathing.” Ok thats ominous but also why do i feel like thats a random fact that Tom learned about chinchillas that hes adding into the story??? Idk seems like a thing they can do, and a thing hed know, and a thing hed do

Sam perplexed beyond reason how they're gonna make this a functioning scene

“Maybe in the war.” *shrugs casually* AJ!!! SIR what do you mmmmmeannnnnnnn  in the war????? What

Sam also almost breaking and AJ casually laughing because whatttt did he just say how are they furthering this plot

also off topic- the little tongue in the cheek movement is great, lovely, top notch, idk love it

AJ biting his lip and needing to look away so that he doesn't completely break is my everything

“You're an accountant, I’m a lawyer.” thank you for giving us backstory Sam, greatly needed

“Falling in love with you was the best thing I ever did.” ……. SIR. How am I ever gonna find someone if you’re pulling these lines on your fucking friend while doing an improv show- 😭 the standards are too high already-

The kiss 😭

Sam’s squint at Tom like “what the fuck are you- what are we doing here? Do i move in- was that stagecraft?- what??” 

His shrug of “oh well fuck it I guess.” and moving a chair into scene while still shrugging at Tom bc he has no idea what to do

Sam repeating back all of Tom’s words in a slightly different font because he wants Tom to have control of the scene- and he has no ideas- 

AJ looking between them and doing three pretty blinks as he pieces together the story

“Gavin…” *nervous chuckle* “obviously theres a difference.” please tell him Tom, we’re all dying to know, him especially

“Ckkk” what does that mean Tom 😭i thought it meant castration at first but now???

AJ stepping forward- wanting to join the scene but he’s still not entirely sure wtf is going on and three confused scene partners is a recipe for disaster- and oop Tom has an analogy maybe wait-

“Let me finish the sentence.” the pose Sam does- help-

AJ’s slow smile as Tom continues the bad analogy

“Of course.” Sam you’ve never “ckk”ed anything what do you mean of course

“What you've done-” AJ’s little lean back and victorian hand over mouth chuckle is my favorite thing in the world he does it so much and it kills me every time its so cute

Sam loosing it- and Tom breaking on stage!!! Thats something you don't see often!!

“Venomous” VENOMOUS???? THATS THE METAPHOR??? IT ISN'T ONE????

Oh nevermind its still a metaphor

The brainstem????? Thats what “ckkk” is?????

Im so confused help 😭

Tom’s spin in the chair is hilarious- peak comedy truly

“Can you imagine an unsnipped chinchilla???” I can now??? ALso both Sam and Tom breaking again, beautiful

“Have you ever seen a Rhino with a gun?” wtf??? “No??!?!” “thats the only thing i can compare this to Gavin!” I love how he keeps casually dropping in Gavin while Gavin has yet to name him

“How'd you just come in through the back of the store?” i see stagecraft is at play

AJ also knew it was coming but laughed anyway-peak

“Thats the least of your worries right now.” yes Aj, flip it on him!!! King

“Just on-just one!” Tom sounds genuinely afraid this is golden

Oh ma gods- the way AJ’s scream cuts off perfectly and he and Tom just relax the second Sam cuts off the scene is perfect

“Captain.” wait a damn minute- Captain??? Captain of the Police Force??? Not KING???? anyway-

“Five thousand people died.” damn. damn

also Tom laughing in the background, legs crossed and fingers steepled against his chin in proper Tom pose- i adore

“Theresa may.” Audience member i love you

And the way the roll with it too- gads i love them

Sam finally breaking when AJ actually “calls” Theresa May

Tom resigning himself to play Theresa

None of them knew where they were going except Tom but they all wanted to create a scene- loving the chaos- lukeeeee 

That door creaking sound was a masterpiece and idk about you but Sam is a positively fucking terrifying chinchilla omg-

“Gary…” that audience member is losing her mind at his name being gary and i adore that for her

“Do you remember me from ZE WARRRRR!!!” the chinchilla asked calmly

“NO ONE CAN STOP ZE NAZI CHINCHILLAS!!!” Ok sam, praise, i love you, but why does it always come back to Germans??? There are more than just the one-two wars 😭like he could've created a fake one??? Nevermind its not important its the funniest one and maybe he’s just holding space for luke

AJ laughing as he dies via chinchilla is crazy

Killing him again is low but necessary lol

AJ losing it even more is a joy XD

I gotta say, very impressed with Sam’s pronunciation and then gibberish of german

AJ trying to clear the stage but Tom just stays fucking spread on the floor lmaooo

“Hold please.” AJ what???? Hes enjoying himself and being chaotic as always but what??? 😭XD

“I can hear you doing motions but this is a phone call so…” yes AJ!!!! Call him out!!!! XD glorious!!!

“With my man.” AJ i think ur in the clear to give him a name- i don't think its been done- but playing it safe, i see- even though its never stopped you before, giving someone two names but like wtv thats not my business-

Sam just messing with Tom’s arm/hands (making him slap himself) even though AJ specifically pointed out it was unnecessary but we love an annoying king- and dragging him around by his hair lol

Paella??? Is this a call back??? Its only the short story, but im assuming AJ’s being a lil bitch and making Tom say paella again- also Sam’s “squid” motion for Tom was brilliant XD

Sam dropping his head on Tom’s shoulder to laugh- my heart

“Im glad to hear I sound normal to you.” 

“Hang up ze fucking phone!!!” 

“Everything okay?” the switch from chinchilla to Sam gave me whiplash hang on-

“Did he?” “yeah yeah yeah.” “...did he?” Genuinely curious- did he? “Well he said the word.” Aj i love you

“Where its gone.” Im sorry but they said it in sync and together in harmony and like obvi but it just gives me joy anyway-

“Fuck we should probably look for it shouldn't we?” yeah just maybe AJ. 

“Ill go down to the basement..” they both knows what gonna happen. “And see if its there.” both break. “What could go wrong?” thanks for saying the classic foreboding everything-will-now-go-wrong phrase sam

AJ’s shrug is such a mood i love him

“Ill see you upstairs.” “maybe.” if AJ doesn't die now I want a refund-

Tom: ominous basement noises

“Thats the music to the scene-” yes AJ, its like in movies- you don't address it!

“I already turned zis light on.” sorry sam but i thought the “chch” was the sound of a gun cocking-

“Hello cecily.” well thats terrifying-

“Franz Haberburg.” we get a Tom smile!!!! And AJ breaks as well, so cute

“The door is pretty closed and soundproof.” Sam what??? Poor Aj is gonna die XD- also AJ’s little laugh is my life

“HUSBAND! HU-HUSBAND!!!” “you don't seem to know his name.” XD Give the poor man a break Sam, hes been bullied for not remembering names enough times-

“I call him husband thats what we do its a cute thing.” AJ- still don't think he’s been named yet so you're free but like i respect it

“Who are you- well i know who you are- but what are you doing in my basement!” Now hes asking the real questions

“Until 1939.” the way Tom covers his mouth with his fingertips every time he laughs off stage gives me life- only the fingertips too- not the whole hand its- anyway

“What do you- what do you mean?” Aj breaking and Tom still laughing- asking the real questions now

“But it just wasn't racist enough-” Tom, previously: three white guys on stage, lets talk about racism, yeah, good idea

Why are they making the chinchilla- you know what i don't want to know the thought process- also Tom’s delight as hes watching is everything so its fine

“Your father is dead.” The audience who already knew this: *dramatic gasps* YES!!!! Finally a good audience who does all the proper dramatic gasps!!!

Dead tom enters the scene again!

“Have you ever zeen ze film terminator?” AJ’s back caving with a laugh, Tom twitching with laughter and Sam breaking mid sentence- i love these stupid goobers

Also the way AJ is gently cupping Tom’s neck-

“But no every single *grows quieter* chinchilla is a *laughs* nazi” AJ breaking- i love this skit omg XD-

“I-it-s im just stalling” good work AJ- very smooth, the audience has no idea. 

Aj actually stumbling when Sam ducked- and the sound his arm made is crazy(also the way he checked to make sure he wouldn't actually hit Sam- my heart)

“Sooounnnd.” that was angelic Sam wow

AJ’s slow NPC turn-

“Maybe move on from this bit-” AJ and Sam both breaking- probably wise, honestly

*uncomfortable AJ*

“HUSBAND! HUSBAND!!! THE CHINCHILLAS A FUCKING NAZI!” Sam’s completely break- he did not expect that right out of the gate- (nor did he probably expect AJ to live through the scene but whatever-)

Also tom casually in the corner now because he cant really move theyre in the way so just watching and grinning-

“HE *YOU* VERY VERY NEARLY GAVE ME THE HITLER SPEECH! WE WERE THIS🤏CLOSE!” Sam loosing it- oh and Tom escapes to the back

“AND I ABANDONED THE SCENE!” Aj is just publicly shaming Sam now-

“I GOT OUTTA THERE! BECAUSE I HAD TO!” explaining how tf he made it out of the basement-

“I HAD TO!” wayyyy too close to Sam’s face

“Have some beans” Aj: *rightfully confused because wtf?*

AJ genuinely loosing his shit and doing some strange drinking of beans and stagecraft

TOM AS THERESA!!! SHES HERE TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!

Sam also forgot about that character- or didn't expect Tom to dedicate to actually playing her- XD

AJ CASUALLY HAS A SHOTGUN WHAT-

“Wait-wh- one! Where did you get a gun-” wise questions Sam

“Two- this is the former prime minister. She tried to get the good Brexit deal- why are you pointing a gun at her?” Lmaooo Sam

Tom: *kills himself* Sam: *takes his time to get behind him to pretend like it was him*

“Theresa May is the best Nazi killer in ze world.” all three of them laughing before recovering really fast

XDXDXDXDXD sam having to alternate between his two [personalities- a comforting husband and a nazi chinchilla- what even is their life-

AJ- its a shotgun my love, not a machine gun. Sam- thank you for just staring at him for a few minutes, contemplating whether or not to point it out before ducking under all the bullets- even tho he’s been shooting for a while longer than you ducked, nicely done

“The other one…” AJ has no idea…

“And scene- thank you.” the pure relief-

AJ casually asking Sam if thats his drink before getting his actual drink- they’re so cute

Anyway that concludes todays one- thank you!!!

Also- this show had the best Sam faces- amazed that his besties can be just as unhinged as him sometimes- hes great at the random comments that completely transform a scene (cough cough, disciplinary meeting comments, cough cough) and then does an awesome job at pretending to be shocked/amazed/horrified when the others do the same- its hilarious- anyway thanks for reading!

@dawn-speckled @snek-of-eden hope you guys enjoy!

[mellifluousoctopus]

Rewatching all the Halloween towns reactions

Halloween Town

strange man comes up to you and gives you candy? from his ear? and you you trust him completely? and actually want the candy? huh?

why does this movie feel so disconjointed? but make sense?

Zombie elvis?

how did this mans know marnie’s name?

we’ll fly it out then flys it in a circle

if halloweentown is a town why is it local government building called cityhall

how come dylan never showed signs like marnie and sophie of magic

does sexism exist in halloween town? I mean it was ruled by a matriarchal family of witches for a very long while

yEaH BAbY

yes let me just  sit alone in a sweatbox while children just walk around me and i will not say anything

the betrayal on this mans face as he gets punked

why do villans openly believe themselves evil I dont get it especialyy when they think they are doing right?

Halloween Town II: Kalabar’s Revenge

*bouncey music as i describe actual life or death situations*

i cant tell if the costumes got better or worse

look at that dinosaur of a computer and chatroom

*angrily chops lemons* 

cindy is a mood

marnie’s relationship with her mom is a mood

*flirts with showing a guy my grandmother’s room*

why did they link the town with a giant decoration thats in the center of town? who thought this was a good idea

a spell that turns you to a normie is kinda scary

why is he so monotone?

was merlin a cromwell

dylan doesnt know what a amphibian is? out of character

elevator music fitting yet jarring

i wonderif there are any matching socks just by sheer probability

hackers? offline? update? whats with the intentional computer references

WHAT ARE you doing in my swamp

baby cockroach

its a plot block but what about aggies friend (glorck?) sats he’d sell his junk

cindy is no longer a mood

marnie darling he clearly is in emotional distress whyare you playing around

instead of playing cool gwen decides to openly shout at her daugther to not do magic

oh god its a family of science nerds

the magic of french

why are they counting down til midnight for halloween

“you can do it”, yeah thats well established why was she doubting herself at all

maybe you could use another spell to hellp your mother idk two witches and a warlock seems like you could brain storm a bit

IM reALLY THiRSTY

are warlocks/witches/sorcerers/etc considered human they are the most human looking

what! are! the! rules! of! magic! 

why is kal just chillin that spell didn’t turn ALL humans

lemme just glow real quick

...why did they explain it this way.

why did dylan decide to use magic during his 13th birthday if he didnt want magic 

nice credits song

Halloweentown High

Knights??? Aggie made it sound like they chose to do it out of choice why didn’t Marnie know about them, why wasn't Aggie 

what is the counsel?

are they a clan or a coven?

why does everybody have the hots for the mom?

Marnie is at level one but has bent space and time before??

Aggie is Ms. Frizzle

I forgot that Ryan from HSM was in the Movie omg als o is that Chelsea?

what happened to the cloth bag

CANADA

2! red berets!!

Small school but its larger than my large school

Is chemistry different for witches??

SCIENCE 101

imagine having your first day of school having a strange teavher who makes a parrot and then gets chided by a student as if the student is in charge

I think marnie actually just wants to experience life in Halloweentown seeign as she has no plans to introduce humans to halloweentown

where are the Head phones

marnie you narcissist

I remember this scene! (marnie hitting the bag)

Aggie x DiVinci is my new otp

oh? what is the legality of catching a ball with your mouth

considering women couldnt be actors and plays were signs of indecency Aggie was an absolute legend. 

(trans aggie???? :))

Aggie x Divinci x Shakespeare

yells secret stuff out in a busy mall

whys this dude where chainmail at the mall if this was 2020 id see it but...

matching black and white stripes

so im confusion about what constitutes as human

Marnie’s room in a whole different section of the house than the last movie

does ever school have the same hallway tile

hes ugly in two worlds lol mood

a witches training ends at 13 so really why is cassie going to marnie she knows so much more than marnie

there is no way this gym is that quiet

WHAT CONSTITUTES AS HUMAN

this is legit trying to be Sabrina the Teenage Witch which is weird because they were own by the same company at the time

And the twist is...unsurprising

the mirror has a popsocket

how? did? a? child? lose? an? ear? in? Gym? 

i dont understand why people hated the walk through if people watch those walk through doll villages during Christmas and like then theyll like the Halloween version

theres just a spell to take magic? and he can just take it without any witnesses?

He steals aggie’s and marnie’s but not sophie’s, Dylan’s or mom’s thats not very smart

fucking food boy has magic, not cromwell magic but hes got it and has been done with his trainng for at least 3 years why doesnt he use it

how can you use a spell with no magic 

[princecupcakee]

Park Bench | Reddie

Read on AO3

Rating: E

Pairing: Richie Tozier/Eddie Kaspbrak

Word Count: 3,331

Chapter: 4/8

Past Chapters: Chapter 1 (AO3), Chapter 2 (AO3), Chapter 3 (AO3)

Next Chapters:

Summary: Recently divorced and ‘incapable of love’, Eddie Kaspbrak moves to Los Angeles for work and a small, small hope of a fresh start. Broken up and never dated again, Richie Tozier tries to get back into love with help from his love of music. Quickly meeting eyes and one concert later, they think that maybe love isn’t that bad. So they try it one more time.

Chapter 4: Richie Tozier And Eddie Kaspbrak In The Rain, Eddie Kaspbrak Meets Maddie And Walter Tozier, Richie Tozier And Eddie Kaspbrak Move In Together

Tags/Warnings: Angst / Unhappy Ending / theres only one sex scene but this is explicit anyway / Bisexual Richie Tozier / Gay Eddie Kaspbrak / Post-Divorce / Implied/Referenced Cheating / Inspired By Remembering Sunday (All Time Low) / Inspired by The Book Ninja by Ali Berg / Implied/Referenced Child Abuse / Implied/Referenced Abuse / Implied/Referenced Manipulation

Tag-list: @richietoaster​​ , @s-s-georgie​​ , @mikeuris​​ , @gazebobullshit​​ , @that-weird-girls-blog​​ , @tozierking​​ , @thoughtfullyyoungduck​​ , @s-onora​​ , @bellarosewrites​​ , @lermanslogan​​ , @ambitiousskychild​​ , @ghostnebula​​ , @vanillaredvelvet​​ ,

(Ask if you wanna be on the tag-list!!)

Chapter 4

Richie Tozier And Eddie Kaspbrak With The Rain

Richie rang the doorbell, leaning at the side of the door. ‘Be cool, Tozier. This is how you get the guy.’ Eddie opened the door, pressing down a laugh, “dude you look like a douche,” he mumbled, walking past him, laughing. ‘Maybe not.’ Richie nodded to himself, following Eddie.

Eddie didn’t actually know where he was going, expecting Richie to have planned. He stood by the staircase at the edge of the porch. “So, why did I wait for you?” “We’re going out,” Richie smiled. Eddie blushed, “what?” “Oh! Uh- no, no, no, I mean, we’re going out, like you and I are going somewhere outside, together,” Richie tried to save himself, “well- well I mean, if you want, we can go out,” he mumbled. Eddie’s eyes were still wide and he was still standing as still as a statue, “sure,” he mumbled back. “‘Sure’ to what?” “Where are we going?” Eddie changed the subject, trying not to embarrass himself any more than he thought he has. Richie opened his mouth to say something but thought else of it and said, reaching his hand out, “do you trust me?” “I- I guess?” “Did- did you not get that?” “No? What was I supposed to get?” “You’ve never watched Aladdin?” “What?" “You don’t know?” “How was I supposed to know that?” Eddie rolled his eyes. “Everybody does,” Richie replied jokingly, Eddie just rolled his eyes again. “Just- don’t ask questions. I have a plan and it is going to go great," he told Eddie, though, it felt more as if he were telling himself “First, I don’t believe you planned, second, you sound like you're trying to kill me...” Eddie kept rambling, the ways he could die, the similarities between Richie and a serial killer. Richie liked how Eddie rambled, he would but in sometimes, catching the perfect set up for a joke. Richie liked how Eddie used smaller hand gestures than he did when he spoke, yet they felt bigger. Richie liked how Eddie’s expression would change every few sentences. Richie liked how Eddie would mention small things about him, how his hair sometimes curled around his glasses, how sometimes his glasses would tip sideways and he wouldn’t fix them, and he would say how he felt about it. Richie liked how Eddie said what he felt about things. He also hoped that Eddie would tell him how he felt about him. As oblivious as he believes he isn’t, Eddie notices the little glances Richie takes at him. He doesn’t find it weird or creepy, he liked it. Was that selfish of him? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of many things— with him being trapped away from almost everything throughout his life—but he was sure of this. At least, he hoped he did. Richie was different. That was the only way he could describe him. And, for now, he assumed that was enough.

“I feel like I’m being driven to my doom,” Eddie said after a moment of silence.

“You aren’t. Couldn’t kill something as cute as you, Eds,” Richie smiled, eyes on the road.

“Don’t call me Eds. Its really annoying,” Eddie shook his head despite laughing.

“Anything you say, Eddie Spaghetti.”

“Thats fucking worse,” Eddie shook his head. Richie smiled at him. Eddie smiled back.

~~~

“Look what I got you,” Richie grinned as Eddie opened the car window. Richie had stopped and left Eddie in the car —something that Eddie kept in mind the next time he was going to talk about how similar Richie and murderers are— and came back with… ice cream cones. Richie shoved both of them into Eddie’s hands as he went back to the driver's seat and drove off.

“What- what the fuck?” Eddie asked.

Richie didn’t reply, instead of driving into a slot of an abandoned car park nearby —another thing Eddie listed— and opening his door. He reached out for one cone and Eddie’s hand and led them outside. Richie climbed up to the hood of the car, patting the space beside him. “No, that’s so dirty.”

Richie rolled his eyes and took off his jacket, balancing the ice cream cone between his hands, and placing the jacket on the spot beside him. “Seriously? Thats still really-“

“I can clean the jacket, sit with me.”

Eddie climbed up beside Richie, needing assistance to do so. Eddie wanted to ask why the two were there, but thought better of it, choosing to silently enjoy this instead. “What flavour did you get me?” Eddie asked looking at the cone in his hand.

“Vanilla. With rainbow sprinkles,” Richie smiled, tracing little circles above Eddie ice cream. Eddie lightly laughed. “How uh, how long are you even staying here?”

“I’m not so sure yet, actually,” Eddie replied, looking at a pebble on the ground. He left out the part about Sonia and Myra and about not wanting to go back to New York and face the city where he fucked everything up.

“Does that mean I can spend more time with you?” Richie smirks.

“If you play your cards right, maybe,” licking at his ice cream. He glanced at Richie’s and he was already halfway done. The two sat in silence while they ate, Richie holding Eddie’s hand little by little.

“There’s a park a few ways over there,” Richie said after a few minutes of stroking his thumb over Eddie’s hand, "we should go.”

Eddie tiredly nodded. Richie let go of his hand and pulled out his guitar from the inside. “You think someone is gonna break into your car and steal it?” Eddie snickered.

“Yup. Thats also the reason I’m bringing you along,” Richie winked (which confirmed to Eddie whether or not the comment was an insult about him being short.) Richie walked over to Eddie taking both his hands and helping him down, causing Eddie to fall onto Richie’s chest. Richie took his hand again after they’d pulled away and walked over to the park.

Eddie was wordlessly enchanted by the trees and the lights and the pathway twisting around the park. It was around 7 (Eddie wondered how time moved that quickly) and it was pretty empty. “Tell me about you,” Richie nudged him.

“Uh well, I work for-“

“I don’t want your résumé,” Richie laughs, “lets play a game.”

“We’re not doing 20 questions.”

“Lets play another game. Uh, one of us says a random word and the other says the first thing they think of.  I’ll go first, music."

‘You. Seeing you sing around in Ben and Bev’s house with a smile on your face. You with a smile on your face because you looked so cute and handsome and I really, really like you.’ “feelings. Uh, morning.” Eddie replies.

‘Having that breakfast with you and watching the sunrise. With you. And how you lazily laughed at my jokes because it was too early.’ “Breakfast. Okay, uh, New York,” Richie said.

‘Crying. Pain. Mother. Divorce. Myra. Sonia. Gay. Mistake. Divorce.’ “Divorce,” Eddie mumbled, not thinking he said anything.

“Oh, I- were you? I’m so sorry,” Richie fumbled with the words., letting go of Eddie’s hand in the process.

“No, no! Its fine. I’m fine. But, I- uh. Yeah. I did.”

“Oh shit. I’m really sorry.”

“Its fine. She and I never really worked out,” Eddie said shaking his head.

“Oh thats, uh, sorry,” Richie mumbled, embarrassed at all the hand-holding and the early morning breakfast, and this.

“No, its fine. I’m gay, it wasn’t gonna happen anyway,” Eddie said, his speaking speeding up. Richie lightly sighed.

“You… wanna take a seat?” Richie asked, pointing to the bench facing a small lake.

“sure,” Eddie nods. Breathing a little steadier (he actually hadn’t even known when it had quickened.) “Why is it so empty here?” Eddie asked looking up the dimly lit sky.

“Probably the weather.”

“The what?” As if on cue, rain fell from the sky softly. “Fuck!” Eddie shouted putting hands over his head as if it would do something. He stood up heading back from where they came, but a hand tugged at his arm.

“Wait,” Richie said, trying to make Eddie stay. The rain was a bit heavier, but it wasn’t unbearable. At least, it wasn’t for Richie apparently.

“Are you fucking crazy? You know how sick we could get if we stayed out here in the rain?”

“Just a little while,” Richie said, not letting go of Eddie’s arm. Eddie huffed but sat back down beside him, wincing at the now wet spot he was sitting in earlier. Richie pulled out his jacket again and put it over Eddie’s shoulders, putting the hood up as well. “There,” Richie said, pointing forward. Eddie wondered how he hadn’t seen it earlier. The sky was all shades of red and orange and yellow and all the colours in between. The lake reflected all that was in the sky and that made the sight more astounding. The raindrops hitting the lake made little sounds and it shook the water a little, making the already watery-looking sky seem more like a reflection than real life.

“I was really sad one day and wanted to be alone so I went out while it was raining. I went to this park ‘cause,” Richie gestured to the emptiness of the park, “there’s no one here. Sat down, saw the sky in the lake. I thought I should show you.”

Before Eddie could even think of anything, he pulled on Richie’s shirt and brought their faces close. He didn’t kiss him, he just looked into his close eyes as asking permission. Richie pushed their lips together lightly. “You know, I may live with my best friend but I actually do have a place,” Richie joked, still very close to Eddie.

“Why don’t you live there?” Eddie asked. Richie’s heart rate sped, but when Eddie kissed him again it melted away. He already forgot Connor, he doesn’t need to remember, he can stay here, with Eddie.

“Its nothing, baby,” Richie said looking straight at Eddie, “Get in the car.”

Eddie Kaspbrak Meet Maddie And Walter Tozier

“Mads! Walt! C’mere!” Richie called, opening the door. He looked back apologetically to Eddie, “If you regret this, don’t blame it on me, its on you,” he slightly laughed.

Eddie shook his head fondly. It was Saturday, Eddie had indefinitely moved into Richie’s apartment, and was promised a date today. After staying over at Richie’s house the Tuesday, small kisses, take-out, and falling asleep (oddly enough, fully clothed) the two had agreed to a date. Eddie wondered though, why Richie was so worried about asking, why he needed to repeat the question so much. But he let it be. Richie didn’t plan Eddie meeting Maddison and Walter, Richie didn’t even want to talk about it, but Eddie insisted to drive over to their house after being mentioned while on their way.

“Hi, uncle- who are you?” Maddie brightly said opening the door.

“This is Eddie,” Richie replied, leaning on the doorway.

“Okay! Hi, Eddie! I’m Maddie, and my brother, Walter, is upstairs,” she leans more into the house and shouts, “and won’t help me with my painting!”

“I said I’d help you when I was done with mine! Mom just got me new watercolours and I need to try them out first!” Walter said walking down the stairs. He stood a few steps from the ground and stared at Eddie for a while.

“Thats Eddie! Uncle Richie’s boyfriend!” Maddie said a little to loudly and made Walter flinch. Richie nervously looked over at Eddie, who was just smiling at the brother and sister.

Richie smiled with confidence, “Go get you’re shit, we’re going to the arcade.” Eddie raised an eyebrow at him while Richie winked back.

“Don’t swear,” Maddie shook her head as Eddie snickered.  She walked up the stairs with her brother running up with her. “Walter and Maddie?” Eddie said as if in question.

“He’s seven, she’s six, and they’re basically polar opposites.”

“Ah,” Eddie nodded, “They’re adorable. Where are their parents anyway?”

“My sister is a single mom,” Richie lightly shrugged to seem lighter.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Nah, its all good. These two are alone a lot though, I take care of them when my parents aren’t.”

“Don’t kiss! Mommy says not to close eyes in the stairs!” Maddie shouts (again) from the top of the stairs running down. Dressed in a bright pink dress, she jumps onto Richie’s leg, Richie picking her up as she giggles. “You good, Walt?”

Walter nods and Richie walks over to the car. “Seatbelts!”

“Check!” Maddie grins widely, tracing a big checkmark on the air.

“There’s no checklist but check!” Richie laughs, pulling out of the driveway. Eddie watched as he drove and talked with both kids (mostly Maddie) and smiled fondly. Richie was loud, and a bit annoying, and an absolute foul-mouth. But, with these two, despite still swearing at a handful, he’s different. Its clear that all he wants to do is make them smile. Its pretty effective, not just on them, on Eddie too.

They walked into the arcade and Maddie challenges her brother to a racing game, leaving Richie and Eddie alone. “You basically asked for these kids to crash our date,” Richie jokes, taking Eddie’s hand and leading him to a line of games.

“Its fine. They’re good kids,” Eddie smiles looking behind him as if they were there, “shouldn’t we keep an eye on them?”

“Walter is more mature than I am, he can do everything. They’ll be fine, plus, they’ll know where we are,” Richie grins cheerily, raising his hands to present, ‘Street Fighter.’

“Really?” Eddie sighs.

Richie nods and places both of Eddie’s hands on the buttons. “You’ll never beat me,” Richie smirks.

“We’ll see,” Eddie nods preparing his hands properly on the buttons.

“That was the best!” Maddie exclaims jumping up and down once Richie puts her down. She’d shot a ball into the hoop (with Richie’s help) in the basketball game. They’d challenged one another, Eddie against Richie and Walter against Maddison, the children going first. Maddison wasn’t cheering about making a shot in her game though, Richie had asked for her help. Eddie, competitive as he is, asks Walter if he could help him out. Eddie and Walter won.

“We won, we won!” Maddie cheers and Walter just puts a hand on her shoulder and shakes his head. “What?”

“They won, kiddo,” Richie says ruffling her hair, as she swats his hand away, “its alright because I’m buying ice cream!” Maddie cheers and raises her hands up for Richie to carry her again. Walter walks with them as Eddie stands in the back for a little.

Richie was so good. Eddie didn’t know what he meant by that but he assumed he just was. Maybe it was because his mother would never let him play in the arcade because, as she would always tell him, ‘there are so many diseases there, so much dirty children, you could get sick, Eddie-bear.’ At first, he really thought it was that, but after seeing Richie stop Madison from crying after dropping her ice cream, listing to every soft word Walter would say, all the effort he puts into just making them (and him) smile, he thought that he was most probably in love.

Richie Tozier And Eddie Kaspbrak Move In Together

“Thats the last of the boxes, Eds!” Richie calls out, dropping a large box by the side of the door.

Eddie walks out of a room and smiles, “Thank you, Richie.”

“Can’t believe you chose my shitty apartment that was abandoned for fucking years over the Marsh Mansion,” Richie joked kissing Eddie.

“Marsh Mansion?” Eddie laughed, “of course I chose you, I swear it was haunted in there. Plus, too many couples.”

“You're dating me.”

“Yeah, but I’m not living with you,” Eddie says playing with Richie’s hair while his arms rest on Richie’s shoulders. (Yeah he was struggling since Richie was so much taller, but it was cute.)

“Can’t believe you wanna live with me.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, not wanting to debate, “well you better start fucking believing.”

“Thats not too hard,” Richie joked, kissing Eddie again. And again.

“We should get these boxes,” Eddie says dropping from his tip-toes and walking over to the pile of boxes left by the front of the door. “These are such a mess.”

“We’re gonna unpack them anyway!”

“Yeah, but its gonna be so hard to get everything!”

“Exactly, because we’re emptying the boxes.”

“You’re taking all of these to each room,” Eddie puts his hands up taking one of the smaller boxes and bringing them into the bedroom. Richie quickly slaps Eddie’s ass as he walks which earned him blush and glare from Eddie. That was a win in his book.

There wasn’t much in the bedroom yet. There was a queen-sized bed (Richie asked for a twin-sized mattress and told Eddie it was a joke; Eddie didn’t get it) an almost full closet (most of it being Eddie’s clothes, surprisingly), another table (though, neither wanted to call it that; Richie would call it table number three and that just rubbed off on Eddie) and two small tables on either side of the bed, Richie’s with a lamp and his book of Jokes, Reminders, Notes and Sex Positions (he called it his JRNSP. And, yes, Eddie constantly wondered if the sex positions part was a joke or if it was real. Whenever he would ask Richie would reply with, ‘really wanna find out?’ suggestively) and Eddie’s side having just a lamp.

Eddie set down a clock on his table. It was Stan's, originally, then given to Richie. Eddie still hasn’t met Stan, but from what he heard Stan is a really good person. He and Richie have known each other for years, as he Richie describes, they can be fairly different. But, he realizes, who really is like Richie? Which just made Eddie smile more, because he had him.

“Spagheds! Do you wanna paint this wall or not?” Richie called from the living room.

“Coming!” He called, setting the box down on the bed. The two had agreed to paint a wall that was horribly stained by… whatever that is. They think it was maybe a leak that stained the wall, but who really knows? “I’ll change first!”

“Can I watch?” Richie asks jokingly. Eddie ignored it. He slipped into an old shirt and a pair of shorts that he no longer wears, walking towards Richie. Richie, who was putting in yet another vinyl into his new phonograph (yes, Eddie finally learned what it was called) jokingly swaying his hips.

“What the fuck?” Eddie said, monotone.

“Eddie My Love.”

“Its- are you talking about me or is that the title?”

“Both,” Richie smiled slithering his hands around Eddie’s waist until his hands held themselves behind Eddie's back.

“We’re supposed to be painting a wall,” Eddie says despite his arms wrapping around Richie’s neck as he rests his head on Richie’s chest. (These are the times that Eddie is grateful that Richie doesn’t work out. He’s really soft.)

“We will. Later,” Richie says softly, kissing the top of Eddie’s hair, craning his neck down to touch his own chest to do so.

“Eddie my love, I love you so,” Richie softly sings along. His heart twists, what if Eddie didn’t want this? He didn’t want to rush anything again. He couldn’t. He doesn’t want to lose this.

“You okay Richie?” Eddie asks looking up at him, “you stopped moving for s bit.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Richie smiled weakly, “Do you- do you want this? Is-is this weird to you?” he worriedly asks, loosening his grip on Eddie’s waist.

“This is. I like it,” Eddie fondly smiles, “why?”

“Nothing, we can keep dancing, if you want.”

“Yeah, that works for me,” Eddie says getting at the tips of his toes to kiss Richie’s lips.

[bunny-banana]

For the director's cut thing, the story where Fabri asks Ermal out on a date but Ermal doesn't realize that? 👀

YO SO WE GONNA DO THAT OR WHAT

Its this fic btw if anyones curious.  

Chap 1

Even with closed eyes, he sensed the man lying next to him turn towards him but Fabrizio did not spoke immediately. No, he just stayed silent for a bit, Ermal wasn’t quite sure what he was observing but before Ermal could ask, Fabrizio broke the silence.

its u. he’s gazing at u, u idiot.

*

*

’You didn’t exactly give off the vibe that you’d say yes’

“What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t give off the vibe?!”

mr no-homo meta has NO right to be surprised at that. boy went into a panic attack every time someone as much as breathed the suggestion ofc fab was Anxious

*

*

A certain Roman showing up at his doorstep looking like he’d belong to the Milan Fashion Week.A tight grey shirt whose top three buttons almost begged to be opened (yet remained miraculously, in Fabris case, closed!) clung nicely to the body underneath it. A very fine silver chain hung around his neck that perfectly fit with the rings and the watch on his hand.Instead of ripped denim, now tight & shiny dark jeans were worn and to round this look up, an impeccably tailored black, suit jacket was thrown over him.

so not to be Hoe on main but we all just love Sexy Fab.  but more so, i really thought Fabrizio would have put a lot of effort into dressing nicely this time around. Probably called a few friends, crying to help him. He just wanted Ermal to like his look. Which he did.   A lot.  again, outstanding heterosexual of the year, ermal meta is completely mesmerised by that look.

*

*

“Well, well, Fab. Gotta say, this place is on a whole different level“ The curly haired man commented as he flipped through the menu.“You like it?”“How could I not?”

again, Fabrizio intentionally looking up a fancy place for their Date, something he actually felt a little bit uncomfortable about himself and wouldnt normally chose for himself. But then again, he was greatly relieved when Ermal actually did say he liked it.

*

*It felt.. nice. The whole evening was quite nice, Ermal had to admit, even with the unusual ambient.

Ermal is just honestly iconic in this fic. man enjoys fabrizios appearance, enjoys talking with him,  eating out with him, just spending time with him in general sooo much……and yet.

*

*

Fabrizio tilted his head and was it the candle light or something else, but a intriguing shine filled his eyes.“I’d know something sweeter than this.” In the next moment, everything turned upside down when Fabrizio suddenly took his hand and intertwined their fingers, his thumb gently brushing over the back of the younger man’s hand.

THE COURAGE THIS TOOK. THE NERVES WHICH WERE WRECKED.  Fab really just went “ok here we go balls to the wall now or never”

*

*

Chap2

“So, Fabrizio….Fabrizio likes me. Apparently.” It felt interesting to say it out loud. Ermal got a tingly feeling at the thought. So ..it was him who made Fabrizio blush earlier? Who made him nervous? And smiley?  Christ, he actually really wanted Ermal to like his outfit, didn’t he? A small smirk found its way on Ermal’s face. Who would have thought that he’d have Fabrizio Moro of all people wrapped around his finger.

erm: so im het

also erm: wow i really really like the fact that fabrizio is into me. its actually super exciting. kinda makes me happy in a way.

*

*

“Wait, what?! I should ask him out?!”“Yeah? Isn’t that something you want?”Is that something he- But that would imply that he’d want to pursue Fabrizio, his very male, masculine, manly friend Fabrizio who was definitely not by any chance a woman. To have a relationship with guy that was …..romantic… and oh sweet Mother of God, sexual?!“I- I- I don’t know.”

so yeah, to get to the bottom of this, when you’re in the process of realising your own …..non-heterosexuality, its just A Lot to take in.  I thought, realistically, that would just be a bit too much for Ermal to take in at that moment. He had to process the mere thought of “yes, you could have a romantic relationship with this guy, since he’s into you. Its absolutely a possibility”. When you’re conditioned to think “i can only ever date people of the opposite sex” all your life, it takes a bit of time to get accustomed to new possibilities.

And then theres the sexual aspect which is like, on Jupiter, for Ermal’s current state of mind.

*

*

Chap3

The video he currently was immersed in showed a slow-mo fight between a mongoose and a cobra that in all its intensity outdid any action movie in a heartbeat.

i remember watching that vid before writing that chapter and being mesmerised by it. u fucking go lil mongoose!

*

*

[Bizio]: sorry i cant this weekend

First, i just love the thought of him being saved as Bizio on Ermals phone. Second, the reason why he replied so late was because he was wrecking his mind about it. Should he go? should he not? god, the thought of seeing ermal excited him and yet scared him. nonononno. he’s trying to get Over Ermal. He needs space. he is not ready yet.

*

*

[Ermal]:Fabri!! Heard you’re coming up North! 😁 I have this excellent bottle of wine that a fan gave me the other day (don’t ask) so how about we open it at my place? I know you love a good wine 😉🍷

He couldn’t even slide the phone back into his pocket before it started buzzing. Surprisingly, the reply came almost instantly this time.[Bizio]:sorry no the schedule is pretty tight for me at the moment i dont think ill have much time in milan

i just image him getting the weirdest fucking fan gifts. also lmao the lightning speed with which fab replied. homeboy saw that wine would be involved and imemdiately thought “nononononono. worst case, my drunk ass might kiss him, god forbid. we are absolutely not gonna do that”

*

*

[Ermal]:So I’m flipping through the channels at home and there comes a baking show and I wouldn’t normally stop to watch but you know what they’re baking? Those creamy pastry things we had in Lisbon!

Now the idea about the Pasteis de Nata stemms from a real life event! During ESC 2018 i slept at a friends house and since the contest was held in Portugal we decided to cook something portuguese. Thats what we did. They fucking slap. Also, one of the best weekends ive ever had

*

*

However, this is how things continued as to all of Ermal’s messages, he’d receive rather uncharacteristically short replies. When he sent him photos he’d often not reply at all and even when he called Fabri didn’t pick.

Okay we have to image in WHAT kinda mental state Fabrizio is in that time. Boy is EMBARASSED to death. Then obviously, he is trying his hardest to get rid of this crush.  So he just isnt talking to Ermal at all. Which in turn makes him lonely and sad.  So then Ermal shoots him a message, sends him a picture and Fabrizio is immediately head over heels again. Which he shouldnt be. Bad Fabri. And the circle repeats itself.

*

*

Fabrizio who smiled sweetly at the host, who hugged her tightly, who joked with her and oh, whose eyes didn’t stick to her face but wandered more and more south.

Dude honestly, Fab was not flirting with anyone. He was just being nice as he usually is. And we all know he a lil bit sleazy so yeah, he might have looked down once or twice. but he really was not flirting. It was just Ermals affection-deprived mind going berserk.

Also that was the first time Ermal witnessed Fabrizio being affectionate with someone else. And the contrast to that cold shoulder he received was just the last straw for him.

*

*

“Why is he all smiley and lovey-dovey with her while he treats me as if I’m a war criminal?!” Ermal shouted the second the other line got picked up.“Uhm, hello? Maybe a ‘Good morning’ first of all? A simple ‘how are you doing, Sabina?’ would have been appreciated too.”

Damn bitch can ya greet ur sister first before going off smh

*

*

And would it have been really that bad if Ermal had just held on to his hand? Let Fabrizio gently stroke him with his thumb, maybe even squeeze back while Ermal’s finger draws circles over letters that covered the older man’s knuckles.It would have been nice and Ermal would have liked it.

I think he just needed to see what he was missing out to realise what he really has always wanted. If things were to go back to normal, he would have never made any realisations.

*

*

“Am I- Do I like Fabrizio?”

No, we dont ask what he is. Because thats for another time, a calmer time. Or maybe not at all. He doesnt know the answer to that question and its not important right now. All he knows is that despite it all, he likes Fabrizio.

*

*

The fact he was a guy was new, but those feelings involved weren’t.

I feel like this is just a very bisexual experience. At least to me it was. Its very confusing when u are genuinely attracted to the opposite sex, so you make the conclusion: you are obviously straight. Its not possibly that you are not-straight.  

Then u start feeling attraction to someone of ur own gender and its like “hmmm. Obviously this must be fake since we have established that Im genuinely attracted to the opposite sex ”

But the thing is..it aint going away. And then u think how you’d perhaps be down for sex, and perhaps be down for something more, and perhaps do all those nice things you would be doing with someone of the opposite sex.  

So yeah, its ..its really confusing and complicated to figure it out. And if you actually do have a feelings for someone it only makes matters more complicated ig

*

*

“Jesus, I really do like him. Me. Liking a guy.”

Again, once u made That Realisation, its just the WILDEST thing in the beginning. a complete NEW concept being applied to yourself.

*

*

“LISTEN CUT THE BULLSHIT I KNOW EXACTLY THAT YOU’RE HOME! OPEN UP OR I WILL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND!” In addition to the knocking he now also started ringing the doorbell. He sure as hell wouldn’t move here until that door wasn’t opened.“I DONT GIVE A FUCK, I WON’T EVEN SLEEP AND NEITHER WILL YOU. I CAN GO ON FOREVER YOU HEAR ME, FABRIZIO MOBRICI?!”

Ermal is just unhinged in all my fics.

*

*

Epilogue

[Ermal💛]: You ready?

Fabrizio added that heart right immediately after Ermal left his house a week prior.

*

*

Ermal looked….cuddly.

So yeah we all know Fab isnt the keenest on fashion and shit. And i just though Ermal would want him to be as comfortable as possible on their date, so he was like “ay come casual” . and also, its sort of cute that Ermal lets Fabri see him so casual too, its sort of more private in that sense.

*

*

And those were still the mild surprises, let’s not start with the downright shock he felt when his brain started providing words like kissable, attractive, sexy and hot during lonelier nights.

i have a fic for those kinda nights too

*

*

“It’s not that far and God knows men your age need the exercise anyway.”

ermal just cant show affection like a normal person, he has to roast u even when he’s madly in love with u

*

*

What followed behind the colourful door was a small chaos. Literally. People constantly coming and going, with buzzing voices chatting in every corner. They made their way half through the rather crowded establishment, got greeted by a waiter who rushed past them, before they finally spotted a couple leaving, liberating two chairs for them.

SO YEAH. the restaurant. it is loosely based on a place here in Vienna. Its pakistani food too, its a buffet, its kinda chaotic like described in the fic. also u can pay as much as u want.

i just thought, yknow, its home made cooking and its kinda relaxed and chill and casual and has a certain liberal flair to it. and i thought yeah that has fabri energy we gonna use that. also their mango rice puddings fucking slap

*

*

Languages were not his forte, those belonged to Ermal, but Fabrizio ran through his options. It surely wasn’t French or Spanish, that he would at least recognise. German looked different too; they had those dots over their U’s and those curly B’s which allegedly weren’t B’s at all. Swedish? Danish? No. He’s been to Ikea often enough to know that his wardrobe wouldn’t be called Qershor. And Russian had different letters but maybe it was something similar to Russian?

Okay, so I’m a known Slut for Languages.  Fabrizio is not. I can pretty much recognise most European languages in written form at some point in a text. Fabrizio can not. Therefore writing this from the perspective of someone who really isnt into languages was kind of interesting and a bit challenging. I was just thinking ‘how would he recognise them when he isnt into them?’  And i think, in the end, i did it realistically.

*

*

“Is it like..Serbian? Croatian? Or something?” He mumbled while putting a piece of eggplant in his mouth but quickly realised the answer when Ermal almost spit out his water from laughing.“No, definitely not. I can guarantee you, it’s very much not Serbian or Croatian ‘or something’.” Ermal chuckled with a bright smile, obviously enjoying their little guessing game. “But you’re close. In a way.”

This is SO embarrassing but this whole language guessing game was just a setup to an inside joke I have with myself.  So, for those who don’t know, I speak Serbo-Croatian. And I study Slavic studies. The first things they tell you in the first lesson of the Slavic Linguistics course is “Please, for the love of God, PLEASE, dont say Albanian/Hungarian/Romanian is a slavic language”. Apparently many europeans assume these languages are because theyre surrounded by slavic countries. BUT TO AN ACTUAL SLAVIC NATIVE SPEAKER, the difference is immediately obvious and so its quite comical when people assume theyre related languages.   So i thought the reverse would be kinda funny to Ermal too.

*

*

“I can be anything the teacher wants me to be. A good student, a naughty student, whatever floats his boat…” He asked sultrily before winking at the man across of him whose higher brain functions seemed to have ceased at once and just gaped at him like a fish.

boys whole brain got fried when the sexiest man in italy started flirting with him. issokay, he was just shocked. fabrizio has never been flirty with him before, he’ll get used to it.

*

*

“I was just trying to give you the best date that I could.“At those words, the Roman frowned however."Wait, this was a date?!”

im just an asshole honestly

*

*

They giggled as they finally closed the gap between them going for a slow and deep kiss.

i just love them being all SOFT and in LOVE

*

*

“Erm, I- I have an instore tomorrow, I better be well rested.”His counterpart just huffed and raised an eyebrow.“So were you planning on staying up all night, huh?”

Fabs horn dog brain definitively went HmmmmMmm this is nice:) ..could get even nicer:)  but no fuck, i have work to do tomorrow

*

*

“Love how you immediately forget about a good night’s sleep once you have a tongue in your mouth.”“Fuck off.”

He just got carried away as if u were complaining ermal smh

*

*

"I bet on everything I have that your password is 'liberoanita1’ so yes, I actually can.”

Parents culture is just using ur children’s names as all your passwords and we all know Fabri is that kinda parent.

*

*

All in All, i also wanna talk about how the epilogue mirrors the first chapter, but in a more successful light.

Fabrizio dresses for Ermal - Ermal dresses for Fabrizio

fancy place - more casual place

They take the car - they walk

Fabrizio takes Ermals hand on the open for everyone to see - Ermal takes Fabrizios hand under the table, in private

They eat their dessert seperately - they eat theri dessert together

they fall out - they become closer, kiss

they dont talk - they plan the next date

anyway thanks for reading and thank uuuuuu for this ask julchen

[thebibliomancer]

Dark Crystal Age of Resistance ep 4 liveblog

“The First Thing I Remember is Fire”

Just a stream of thoughts.

Dammit the logo caught on fire. This is why they didn’t want open flames on the sets!

Gelfling are just super racist against Podlings.

A Guard: “Shut up, you’ll give everyone nightmares with that wailing!”

Hup: -sings louder, out of spite-

Sooooooooo Deet has decided to be a cryptid.

For Gelfling are a superstitious and cowardly lot. 

Flew around wailing and screeching until A Guard and B Guard took off in a frighten and then rescued Hup.

“Thra’s true balance will be found when natural order is sound.”

Dark Crystal loves its weird, random prophecies. But they’ve got nothing on Redwall.

-Brea, breaks the secret door- 

Why is there a secret room at the end of the secret passage under a secret door in the throne secretly that has the symbols of the seven clans?

Brea: “Oh, its a puzzle!”

Hey, yeah, this is coming off a little Legend of Zelda…

“I have to put the clans in their natural order, from highest to lowest, and then Thra will be in balance” =| ffs brea

You done learned a classism, growing up.

Dammit puzzle room, don’t reward her for classism! Orrr racism?

Brea is having a hard time ranking the clans once she gets past the ‘well obviously the Vapra are the best’

Wow, good job, modern puppeteers. You’ve made the Skeksis eating even grosser. And in the original movie it was a sort of cathartic trash the set sort of scene.

Wow, very gross.

Oh, this specific gross banquet is in honor of the Ornamentalist. So of course everyone spends the entire time whining about how food is like ash in their mouths compared to drinking soul goo.

Soul goo is crackier than crack. One sip and the Skeksis are all super hooked on it and already jonesing for another hit.

And the Ornamentalist is just annoyed.

Ornamentalist: “Essence, essence, essence! That’s all any of you talk about since I returned. It’s my party. Talk about me!”

Of course, the Ornamentalist would gladly try a hit but there’s none left.

Awww, they didn't invite Scientist to the party. They locked him in his lab until he finishes his mad science chores.

All the Skeksis are talking about wiping out the entire Gelfling population and Chamberlain is the only one thats not stupid about the horrific act of eating souls to maintain youth.

Chamberlain: “A wise shepherd does not cull entire herd, yes? We should take only what Gelfling we need to survive!”

Gourmand: “Moderation is for the meek!”

I again wonder how these dinguses managed to rule the planet for a thousand years without using it all up.

Chamberlain just called the General a coward. And the other Skeksis are just going FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

General: “I welcome war!”

Chamberlain: “Because you are too thick-headed to use brain!”

General: -affronted gasp-

And the Emperor is too busy PULLING HIS FINGER OFF to pay much attention

Gross. You’re getting pus… everything was already disgusting and you’ve found the way to make it worse, Emperor

So he wants instant results and starts yelling at the Chamberlain who can just shrink down and go ‘he started it’

Aww Emperor just dumped Chamberlain as his favorite counselor and his new bff is the general

Woow the general wasn’t kidding. The instant Chamberlain doesn’t have the Emperor’s favor, the General smacks Chamberlain to the floor and stomps on his hand.

I almost feel bad for him.

And now several minutes of Aughra complaining about how old she is and yelling at the ground to shut up until someone shoots plot arrows around her.

And the Emperor rolls into the lab to mock the Scientist for having no friends. Wow.

So the Scientist finished repairing the soul suck machine, with the bondage chair upgrade like in the movie.

Emperor: “How many Gelfling must we drain to cheat death for all eternity?”

Scientist: ‘thats fucked up, dude’

Or more seriously, the Scientist is actually worried about the Darkening and worries that draining Gelfling will cause it to spread faster.

But the Emperor is a global decaying denier and tells Scientist to tell him what he wants to hear.

Or he’ll kill his pet lab animals. Which the Scientist actually seems to like. I mean the animals, not the choking of them.

Scientist: “Fifty Gelfling, every trine!” I’m split between thinking ‘wow thats awful’ and ‘wow thats sustainable’

Chamberlain is feeling sad because Emperor doesn’t love him most anymore so he’s blowing an ominous horn.

Oh, another new Skeksis! SkekMal, the Hunter!

And all the other Skeksis are like ‘aw fuck not that guy’

Its interesting to think that from how much all the Skeksis seem to despise each other, thats actually them getting along and liking each other, and there are other Skeksis that they just don’t like at all.

WOW SKEKMAL LOOKS SPOOKY

THE GROUND IS ANGRY

THE SKY IS ANGRY!

WHY IS EVERYTHING ANGRY

Oh theres Aughra, of course she’s angry. She’s angry or peeved or irritated or disgruntled.

Aughra: “I will go no further!” -many plot arrows- “... I will go a bit further.”

I hadn’t gotten a good view yet but Aughra has a cool cape.

Oh hey, a new UrRu! This day brings a bounty. He’s the Archer who has been shooting arrows adjacent to Aughra.

Archer: “Thra still sings”

Aughra: “Then why don’t I hear it?”

Archer: “Because you turned your eye away from Thra and towards the stars.”

Hearing that from the Skeksis is just audacious but hearing it from an UrRu makes it hurt.

Aughra: “I trusted the Skeksis to look after Thra! I took their word!”

Archer: “And their gifts”

GET DUNKED ONNNNNN i guess.

Having four arms must help with archery. But apparently having arthritis in all of those arms doesn’t.

Archer shoots arrow straight up into the air and has it land right at her feet. And vanishes while she’s watching it go.

Aughra: “You could have just said this! Clearly, succinctly! Without all the walking!”

Archer is the troll UrRu

Ohhh, I bet Archer and Hunter are counterparts. BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH BATMAN

Archer does the vanishing when he feels the conversation is ended part and Hunter appears out of nowhere to give Chamberlain a frighten.

Hunter: “What is the prey?”

Chamberlain: “A Gelfling”

Hunter: “Nope. Bye.”

But Chamberlain talks him into it anyway because talking people into things is what Chamberlain does.

Although first he tries to make the Hunter feel sorry for his, the Chamberlain’s, reverse in fortunes by whining that the General hurt his hand but the Hunter just. Doesn’t. Care. About castle politics. He wouldn’t be out in the night being batman if he did.

But Chamberlain does manage to somehow convince him that Rian is worthy prey.

Now the General is charge of Gurjin’s interrogation and he immediately cattle prods him several times and straps him into the soul suck machine. Welp.

Gurjin, you’re wonderfully defiant and snarky.

General: “I will ask you once again, WHERE IS THE FUGITIVE RIAN?”

Gurjin, having just been partially soul sucked: “Have you checked the Great Smerth? It’s particularly lovely in spring.”

The Emperor rolls in and its like dad came home and caught the boys misbehaving.

Scientist: “I told him not to do it!”

General: “I… I was just introducing myself to the Gelfling!”

Emperor: =__=

OH MY GOD BREA HAS JUST BEEN TRYING TO BRUTE FORCE THE PUZZLE THIS ENTIRE TIME

She’s just been trying different combinations and writing down what doesn’t work.

Brea: “‘Thra’s true balance will be found when the natural order is sound’… but there is no natural order because no clan is above any of the others! It isn’t a puzzle! It’s a lie!”

Good job overcoming your prejudices, Brea!

Also, apparently refusing to rank the clans was the correct answer. This puzzle room is smart.

Hey what. Hey um what. There’s this stone dinosaur now what.

Its kind of cute.

YODA????

IS THAT YODA???

So the rock creature is named Lore and it has like… rock grooved cylinders and a rock phonograph pick and like a recorded Yoda voice that drops exposition 

Yoda: “Lore has imprinted on you. He is now your guardian and will protect you on your journey to the Circle of the SUns. There you will find the key to free Gelfing from Skeksis power forever.”

Oh.

Wait, who put this here? If the All-Maudra is NOW deeply in the Skeksis’ pockets then who and when put a secret room under her throne? And who knew enough to put a rock puppy in a secret room with a prerecorded message that the Skeksis were up to nooooo good. If someone knew all along that the Skeksis were jerks, why bury a message about it instead of doing something?

And then Seladon shows up and is like “THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE”

I’m not sure what the Gelfling guards were going to do to a rock monster with little spears anyway.

And now Rian has wandered into the Podling village. Hopefully he manages to be less racist than everyone else (except Deet) that interacts with them.

Wait, is that Rian? Then who is the other hooded gelfling and why are there ominous scare strings?

Podlings just love to party. They’re the Michelangelo of Thra’s races.

-Podling picks up entire keg and sprays it into another Podling’s mouth-

Rian gets a free drink because an old lady Podling wants to flirt at him across the room.

But his heart is too tender after losing the love of his life and I’m sure he won’t have room for a new love anytime soon.

Gurjin’s sister is hardcore. Shows up and puts Rian at knifepoint to ransom him off to get Gurjin back.

Oh and Cool Sister Tavra also shows up to also try to capture Rian for murdering a member of the Vapra (which he didn’t).

Oh Cool Sister Tavra, why’d you have to be racist at the Drunchens?

Rian: “Will someone just please fucking dreamfast with me so we can resolve this damn plot?”

Entirely new character Kylan: “Yeah I’m game” “The Skeksis may rule the land, but they do not rule my heart.”

Damn, entirely new character Kylan, you’re dope.

Tavra also decides that if entirely new character Kylan is going to do it, then she’s going to do it too.

And Gurjin’s sister gets peer pressured into doing it too.

FINALLY dreamfasting does what it was designed to do and shortcut past doubt and suspicion so we can get on with it.

Oh hey, Rian’s dad wanders in (geez Rian is bad at hiding if everyone found him at the same time) and also gets in on this dreamfast.

It feels a little weirder though because he gets in when it was already ongoing and its like weird because everyone else consented to the dreamfast and he just invited himself in.

But hey it lets Rian make up with his dad so, sure.

Dreamfasting also apparently can create- oh dreametching. Yeah they did mention that could happen.

So now Rian, entirely new character Kylan, and Dadrian are going to the All-Maudra to get her to rally the Gelflings against the Skeksis.

And Gurjin’s sister Naia and Tavra are going to the castle to free Gurjin.

I caaaaan’t help but feeeeeel that if Tavra went with Rian’s group they’d be able to convince the All-Maudra more easily but surrrrrrrrrre do whateverrrrrr

Unless you get captured and killed, Tavra and Naia. I’d be disgruntled at that.

Its kind of weird you have this group of plucky youths and also Rian’s dad who is like the wizened old man compared to them.

Wait, where IS Kylan? Did he go with the castle group after all?

Wait, shouldn’t Rian dad go on the castle mission since he’s the boss guard? And would make it easier for them  to-

Oh, I see. He has to be killed by the Hunter to show how serious the situation is.

Sorry, RIan’s dad. You’re the sacrificial lamb.

I mean, it hasn’t happened yet, but I bet it will-

OH HI DEET!

Deet and Rian just barely cross each other’s paths again. Its a small world after all.

Rian: “Do you remember [father-son bonding activity]?”

Rian Dad: “Ahhh I see how that memory we both share would be useful here.”

HOLY SHIT the Hunter can book. All the other Skeksis are like lumbering around and feeling old and he’s jumping in trees. Maybe fresh air IS good for you.

And he’s a puppet or a costume or a costume puppet so holy shit.

Rian tries to sword fight the Hunter but like…. The weight advantage is very much the Hunter’s. He’s just easily pushing the Gelfling around

HOLY SHIT HIS TWO EXTRA ARMS AREN'T ATROPHIED HE’S SKEKSIS GENERAL GRIEVOUS

Hunter: “You have heart…. I’ll take that too.”

Oh no I was wrong! Rian Dad wasn’t the sacrificial lamb! He was the heroic sacrifice!

He tackled the Hunter into a pit of angry earth and the Hunter seems pretty okay with that as long as he takes someone with him. What an enigmatic guy.

Oh. never mind. Hunter is still alive. He’s too angry and spry for the ground to eat.

I was about to say what a shame it was to introduce the guy and immediately get him eaten by the ground.

And also Riandad’s sacrifice was pointless because the Hunter immediately captures Rian and absconds with him.

Deet and Hup must be very confused coming into this plot branch with no context.

[karaeww]

Military boy

i don’t know where this idea came from but somehow it popped in my head, the premise is your one of carl’s military dude officer guy’s daughter and you hook up and then he takes you on a good ole gallagher adventure. that’s not proper english whateverusebusebeuhsdfbjsc jsdbsbud

also it’s unintentionally deep in some parts idk this is like a mini story rather than any kind of simple smut I LIKE REAL STORIES OKAY SOMETIMES I WANT TO WRITE MORE THAN JUST CARL BEING A HORNY BOY LET ME LIVE

Word count: 3,413

Your dad had served in the military since way before you were born, and he had recently taken a job at a military school. When you thought of military school you thought only of privileged guys who had nothing better to do with their lives then prepare to die for their country. You appreciated anyone in the military of course, and you understand it was necessary, but growing up watching your dad fall apart made you hate it. Every time he would put himself back together only to fall apart again. He was a military dad stereotype when it came to his protectiveness and worry, but you had to hear and watch the real aftermath of what his life had done to him.

It was the weekend and you were going to work with your dad. Not in a bonding type of way, but you had gotten busted for sneaking out and he didn’t trust you to be home alone by yourself for the day. You sat in silence in the car on the way to the military school you had never once visited, or had any desire to. 

“You know I’m bringing you with me because I care about you. I don’t want you going any further down this path you want to take.” Your dad said breaking the silence for the first time in the twenty minute ride.

“Me going to work with you for a day won’t change my life. Only gonna make me want to go further down that path to get away from you.” You retort, still angry with him for his large absence in your lonely childhood. He just sighs, knowing he can’t win with his military man attitude vs your angry teenage girl attitude. You leaned your head against the window and scrolled through your phone and checked on various social medias. You watched as your dad reached for the air conditioner button and turned it up more. You were already cold in your dress, so you immediately turned the knob the opposite direction after his hand returned to the wheel. From the corner of your eye you saw him glance over at you and shake his head slightly. You rolled your eyes and dropped your phone into your lap. You fumbled with the edge of your dress until you pulled up to the gates of the school. 

“Best behavior. Don’t care how angry you are with me, you will respect me in front of my cadets and colleagues.” He turned to you with his stern military face and you just stared back at him with your typical blank face. He opened his car door and stepped out, using his reflection in the car window to straighten his shirt collar out. You got out of the car as well and you smoothed your dress down against your body. It was tight, but you had worn a denim jacket over top to keep it more casual. The outfit didn’t scream ‘going to my dad’s military school’ but you hadn’t wanted it to. 

You followed behind him as he unlocked doors and brought you into the school. After a few brief hello’s from front office ladies, he brought you to the dorms. You weren’t worried or nervous to meet his cadets, more annoyed that you even had to. When we entered the room everyone was doing something different; laying in bed with a book, standing up with circle of friends. When they saw your dad they instantly straightened up and stood tall and in form. You raised an eyebrow at the effect your father had on them.

“Cadet’s this is my daughter, Y/N. I’ve brought her with me today to learn some respect. BUT, I don’t want any funny business from any of you slackers. If you so much as look at her the long way you will be running laps all night, not sleeping.” His voice projects across the large room, his tone is stern and serious and every word he says is dripping in authority. You roll your eyes when he mentions the respect part. This wasn’t gonna teach you shit. You observed the boys, most of them were average looking military types. You were surprised that none of them had glanced away from your dad yet. They all stared directly towards him, and none had looked at you. Your dad turned to you and placed a hand on your shoulder,

“Learn something today, Y/N. Maybe then I won’t have to consider a girls military school for you.” You glare at him in response.

“Oh perfect, send your wild teen daughter away to some dumbass school to learn how to shoot people. Amazing plan!” You say sarcastically with hand motions. Your dad gives you another stern look and calls some order out to the boys and then turns and walks out in a formal stance. As he’s leaving and the door is shutting behind him, you call out.

“The fuck am I supposed to do here?!” You throw your hands in the air and groan. You turn back towards the room of boys. They are all staring at you now. Not just you, your body. You glance around past the boys and look for a chair. Theres a table and chairs in the back of the room and you walk past the boys towards it. While you walk through the crowd of them you hear various catcalls and whistles. You respond by raising a middle finger above your head towards them all. 

“Feisty we like it.” “Nothin like your father.” “Bad girl.” 

When you plop down in the chair and pull out your phone your expecting them to return to their previous activities but they all continue to stare at you.

“What?” You say towards them.

“Nothin’, just been a while since we’ve been with a hot girl.” A boy you hadn’t noticed before says. He was very attractive, and he carried himself differently then the others. The other boys seemed to look at him more with respect then anything else. When you looked up at him and made eye contact, his lips curled into a smirk. He had nice lips. And nice eyes. 

Some feeling of boldness took over and you stood up and took a few steps towards him. You grabbed his hand and pulled him slightly away from the group while saying,

“Come on then, cadet. Lead the way.” You weren’t sure where you wanted him to lead you or what you wanted him to do, but he looked at you slightly surprised. He smirked again and he lead you away and towards a door.

“Jesus-Fuck.” You mumbled out as you gripped the hair of the boy between your legs. You were in some kind of storage room, but it was clean and their was a couch that you were currently sprawled out on.

“It’s Carl, not Jesus.” He says stopping momentarily and looking up at you. You groan and push his head back down. He was good at this. As he moved his tongue and stroked your hip bones, you felt an orgasm building. 

“Holy shit-oh my god.” You moan out, getting closer. He pushes your dress up past your hips and the added touch brings you over the edge. He pops his head back up again and he smirks up at you. He smirks a lot.

“Been a while since I’ve done that.” You prop yourself up on your elbows and look at him.

“You must have had a lot of practice.” He smiles at that and nods. “You want me to return the favor?” You say while sitting up and pulling your dress down. 

“Yeah. Sure.” He seemed excited, but like he was trying to play it off. You pushed him back onto the couch and you crawled onto the floor. You sat up on your knees and undid his belt. You unzipped his fly and pulled out his neatly ironed shirt. You started to warm him up with your hand and as you brought your mouth down on him, he threw his head back. You paused and had an idea. You stood up and he looked worried.

“What, what’s wrong?” He sat up slightly.

“Nothing. Just wanted to do something else.” You smirked down at him and you reached down and pulled your dress over your head. You were left in only a lace bra and he stared up with lustful eyes. You walked over to him and you straddled his lap, connecting your lips. You grabbed the back of his head and he brought his hands to your waist. You reached beneath you and brought yourself over him, you sunk down and felt him groan into the kiss. 

You pulled your dress down and smoothed it out against your thighs. Carl was tucking his shirt back in. You brought your hands to your hair and you could feel out messy it was. You bent over and began to put your hair in a ponytail. You felt Carl walk behind you and press against your back side. 

“That was fun. You should visit more often.” You stood back up and spun around to face him.

“Maybe next time it will be just for you.” You say with a wink. You pulled your sneakers back on your feet and breathed out. You glanced back at Carl who had his hands in his pockets. You turned the door knob and stepped out to see the crowd of boys super close to the door. When Carl walked out beside you, the boys whooped and cheered. Carl grinner and you crossed your arms.

“Really? Had to listen?” Before anyone could respond a boy standing near the main door yelled.

“Shit! He’s coming back.” You and Carl looked at eachother with wide eyes and you ran over to the table and chairs. You plopped down in the chair for the second time today and pulled your phone out. The other boys raced around the room to occupy themselves. Carl hopped up onto what you assume was his bed and he stared straight up. The door opened with a loud bang and your dad stepped back into the room. You glance up at him, as if you didn’t know he was coming.

“Back so soon?” You say sarcastically. Your dad walks closer and looks at you quixotically.

“I have to stay late. I’m going to let one of the cadets take you home in my car.” He says sternly. You shrug and stand up.

“Gallagher. Over here. Now.” Carl jumps down from the bed and stands in front of your father, his figure stiff.

“Here’s my keys. Don’t wreck my car, and don’t touch my daughter. I will be expecting you and my car to return unscathed before 10pm. Go.” He said while handing carl a plain set of keys. You and Carl walk past him and start grinning. 

When you exit the building you point out your dad’s car.

“Do you really want to go home? We can take a little detour if you want.” He says while opening the driver’s seat.

“Sure, why not. Do you even have your license?” You joked.

“Nope. Know how to drive though.” You looked at him strangely. 

“Shit, really? I was kidding.”

“Don’t worry. Been driving since I was a kid!” He said casually. You lean back in the passengers seat. Carl pulls out of the parking space choppily.

“Yea, real good driver.” You tease.

“You haven’t seen nothing yet.” He smiles and turns on the radio. Neither of you says anything for a few minutes while Carl gets the car back on the road. Finally you break the comfortable silence.

“So where are we going?” You say looking out the window. You were going the opposite direction from your house. 

“Train station. My brother’s coming to give me a-uh-package.” Your eyebrows knit together.

“Package?” 

“Something I wasn’t home to get. After the train station though we can do something else.” He said winking.

“Okay. So....Where are you from?” You wanted to know more about this attractive mystery boy.

“Chicago.” That’s all he said. 

“What’s your family like? Brother, right?” You further question.

“Uh, yea. Three brothers and two sisters.” 

“Wow. Full house.” He shifted in his seat.

“What about you?” He moved the conversation from his life to yours.

“Just me and my dad.” He laughed slightly. “What?”

“So what’d you do to make your dad mad enough to drag you out here?” He said while gesturing to the area surrounding you.

“Snuck out. He caught me climbing back in my window.”

“That’s all?”

“It’s not the first time.” You said shrugging.

“Your dad’s kind of a hard-ass, but that’s not that bad.”

“I know, he’s always been like that.” Carl just nodded and kept driving. You drove into a more populated area, billboards and street signs filling your sight. 

“Train stations right there.” Carl says pointing to the lot you were pulling into.

“Carl, I live here. I know where the train station is.” You laughed slightly. The car ride was nice, you enjoyed talking to someone new. Someone different from everyone else. Carl pulled the car into a parking space and turned the key.

“Thank god. Didn’t know how much longer we would have last with your driving.” He laughs and steps out of the car.

“Want me to wait here?” 

“Nah, you can come-if you want.” He adds the last part reassuringly. 

“Sure let me just fix my face a little bit.” You say while pulling the visor mirror down.

“Still look hot.” He says before shutting the door. You glance up in the mirror and rub under your eyes. You didn’t wear that much makeup today. Your mascara was smeared lightly under your eyes and you used you thumb to rub it away. You rubbed your eyebrows with your fingers and fluffed up your hair. You leaned to the right slightly and watched Carl hug a slightly taller boy. Then he looked up behind him and saw a group of people smiling at him. You wanted to see what was going on so you stepped out of the car. You had your jacket folded in your lap and as you walked up to the group you pulled it on over your shoulders. As you approached the group you saw Carl hugging a brunette woman holding the hand of a little mixed boy. A red haired girl was holding a baby behind them, and a red haired boy was next to her. Closest to you was the boy he hugged first. You gave a small wave as everyone looked at you. You smiled and looked to Carl to introduce you.

“Oh-This is Y/N. She’s the daughter of one of the big guys back at school.” He was smiling lightly when showing you to his family. 

“Hey.” Is all you said with another small wave. You got a few smiles and nods back.

The boy closest to you walked up to Carl and pulled an envelope out of his bag. 

“Well. Here it is. Your share.” Carl reached out and took the envelope. He opened it and poured the contents into his hand. Your eyebrows rose and your eyes widened. Hundred dollar bills sat in Carl’s hand. There were alot of them, probably a few thousand dollars. Carl’s smile widened.

“I haven’t had this much money since after Juvie.”

“You were in Juvie?” You said with your face wrinkling.

“You got a lot to learn about him, apparently.” The brunette girl said.

“Shut up, Fiona.” He teased her and she smiled.

“What’s the money from?” You asked curiously. 

“Family-uh-relations.” Carl said unconvincingly. You figured you didn’t want to know.

 The little mixed boy ran up to you. He stared up at you.

“Hey there.” Instead of responding he grabbed your thigh and put his face against your dress. “Woah there, buddy. Slow down.” You laugh as you detach him from your leg.

“Yea, Liam. I’m the only Gallagher who can go down there. You looked up at Carl with wide eyes. He basically had just told his family he ate you out. Fiona groaned and smacked Carl’s arm, but the curly haired boy gave him a positive pat on the back.

“So what are you doing here?” Curly asked.

“Carl’s driving me home.” You say sweetly. Trying to make them forget about Carl’s previous comment.

“We fucked in the storage closet. Ever done that, Lip?” Carl said smirking and nodding.

“Oh my god.” You said while bringing your hands to your face and rubbing it.

“Your not gonna get in trouble for that?” Lip said while pulling out a cigarette and bringing a lighter to his lips.

“As long as her dad doesn’t find out.”

“Yea and if you keep telling everyone we had sex, he might find out.” You said while crossing your arms over your chest. 

“I wanna brag when I bag a hot girl.” He said with his constant smirk.

“You’re disgusting.” The red-haired girl said rolling her eyes and bouncing the baby softly.

“I’m gonna head back to the car. Nice meeting you guys!” You say before walking quickly back to the car.

When carl was done with his family, most of the car ride was quiet, with you giving him occasional directions.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you. Sorry.” Carl said quickly out of the blue.

“I wasn’t embarrassed. Just it’s a little weird to tell your family about that kind of stuff.” You say shrugging.

“Not for my family.” 

“They seem fun. I wish I had siblings.” 

“Yea. Sucks sometimes.”

“Typical siblings stuff? Fighting over rooms? Teasing? I would have killed for that growing up.”

“Yeah, typical stuff. My family is kinda crazy though. Fiona’s been to jail.” He throws out as an example.

“No shit? and you’ve been to Juvie? What for?” You like hearing about this.

“Drugs.”

“Like pot?” Even you knew a few people who were in Juvie for a few weeks for weed.

“Heroin. I was in for almost a year.” You turned to look at him.

“God.” Is all you said and he nodded.

“You don’t look like the type of guy to do that.”

“I did when I got out. I had cornrows.” His face was smug. You laughed imagining him with rows.

“I have no exciting stories. Only child, dad was serving for most of my childhood. Maybe that’s why I rebel so much.” You said sarcastically, holding your hands up. He laughed.

“What’d you do when your dad was gone?” 

“I stayed home by myself. He left for his first tour right after my mom left, I was like 7.” You admitted. You weren’t able to tell many people about your past, maybe it was the fact that you knew personal things about him, or the fact that you wouldn’t be able to see him that often, but you trusted him.

“My parents weren’t around much either, but I had Fiona and my other siblings.” 

“See, a benefit of siblings.” You were almost home. “Turn there and then keep going straight.” He followed your instructions.

“So why’d your dad stop serving?”

“Honestly, he physically couldn’t anymore. I know he loves me, but if he physically could still be serving, he would be. I kinda hate that school.” You said laughing lightly. “Why are you there?”

“My ex’s dad. Kinda pushed me towards it, and I needed the direction.”

“You really want to ship off?”

“I don’t know yet. Probably will. What do you want to do, like in the future?”

“Not a clue. Not really good at much. My daily life with my dad at his job consists of getting high and drinking, and when he’s home I do the same things in a less fun setting. That’s it.” You said pointing to a house. Carl pulls into the driveway and parks the car.

“Pretty big for two people.”

“Yea.” Was all you said. You turned towards him after unbuckling your seat belt, and he unexpectedly grabs your face and kisses you. You kiss back, leaning over the center console. You pull back first and check the time. It was only about eight.

“Do you want to come inside. We can smoke?” You offered.

“Uh-yea. I can��t smoke, we get drug tested a lot. But we can do other things together.” He winked. You smiled and you both exited the car and walked into your ‘to big for two’ house.

[peachyhyvck]

a-z nsfw: moon taeil

warning: absolute filth (YOU’VE BEEN WARNED)

author’s note: so, I've seen a handful of these floating around, and I decided to make my own, cause why not! (I got this template from @chantenyongs but I wasn’t able to find the original creator to give proper credit to... I'm sorry!) I’m pretty sure I’m gonna do it for the entirety of nct (legal members only, of course) and I'll prolly just go in age order? alrighty, without further ado! (K, I just finished and I went a little overboard with this lmao oops)

that stare at the very end of the gif; hot damn

A = Aftercare

I don't know if it’s just because he’s the oldest, but it’s very evident that Taeil has taken this sort of “mother figure” towards the rest of the boys. They’ve even admitted that Taeil is the best one to turn to in regard to any personal problems they may be having. And for that very reason, I strongly believe that this angel would be tending to your every need (and then some) after y’all finish “doin’ the do.” It doesn't matter if the two of you spent hours partaking in rough, kinky sex, or if you simply made love for 20 minutes. Either way, his first instinct is to ask you how you’re feeling; followed by questions regarding showering, eating, and the possibility of another round KIDDING!

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of their’s and their partner’s)

Okay but I remember reading somewhere that he said his favorite body part of his was his abs, so.... I’m just gonna leave that one as it is lmao. As for you, he’s in love borderline obsessed with your neck/jaw. Whenever you guys are alone, he likes to cup your face and rub little circles into your jawline right before he kisses you; slowly making his way down to - you guessed it -  your neck. During steamier moments, he loves attacking your neck area; loving how you squirm underneath him. He doesn't even try to hide the smirk on his face as the whimpers pour out of your mouth while continues to go to town on your neck. When he’s finished, he sits back and takes a good 15 seconds to praise himself on the dozens of blue-ish/green bruises scattered all over your neck and jawline.

C = Cum

In all honesty, I think Taeil likes to keep it plain and simple and cum inside of you. Not only does it save you a mess that neither of you really wants to clean, but he enjoys the intimacy of it. When he feels himself about to fall off the edge, he loves to hold your body flush against his, and bury his face in your neck as he lets himself go inside of you.

D = Dirty secret (A dirty secret of theirs)

This is more of a secret the both of you share, rather than just him, but if any of the boys found out it would end the two of you. You’d both be too mortified to show your faces ever again... I mean, who wouldn't be embarrassed if their friends found out that they took part in their sex life? The entire thing actually started out as an accident. One day while you were at the dorms, you unintentionally got a little too close to Yuta while the two of you were watching a scary movie together. Taeil watched from the other room, fuming as you clung onto one another; burying your faces into each others chests. That night, Taeil decided to show you who you really belonged too, and after agreeing that that was by far the best sex the two of you had ever had, the whole “using the members to tease Taeil” thing became a regular occurrence!

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

As far as actual physical experience goes, I don't think Taeil has much of any. He spent years of his life as a trainee, with presumably little to no time to maintain any kind of relationship; so I think its safe to say he’s still a virgin. But I do think he knows a lot about sex in general, and knows just how to please a woman. Given the opportunity, I think he’d do a pretty damn good job!

F = Favorite position

Taeil prefers good ol’ missionary. Referring back to the answers I've already given, this position not only gives him free rein to mark up your neck as much as he pleases, but it also allows him to pull your body against his and bury his face into your neck while he cums.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Honestly, I think it all depends on his state of mind. If he’s stress free, or as stress free as you can be as an idol, and in a good place, I think sex would be bubbly and lighthearted! But if he’s being overworked, and the pressure is weighing down on his shoulders, I feel like he’d be more serious, and focus all his attention on fucking his troubles away.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they)

Tbh I think he’s pretty good at keeping himself well groomed. As long as there’s nobody to shave for, I don't think he’d go through all the hassle. He probably trims it regularly to keep it under control, but as soon as he gets into a relationship, I can see him starting to actually shave... Cause I mean, ya never know when you’re gonna get lucky, am I right??? 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect...)

“Doyoung-ah, I’m romantic” I'm sorry that’s the first thing that popped into my head as soon as I read the question lmao. But in all honesty, I truly think Taeil is a very romantic person! During mainstream, casual sex, I see him as the “people pleaser” type. He’s always putting you before himself. He's one of those people that actually gets off on your pleasure! He doesn't even think about coming before you have.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation)

I’d say Taeil masturbates on a regular basis; sometimes more than usual when he’s got a little extra tension built up in him. But he’s kinda weird in regard to said topic... Even though y’all have done much worse in the bedroom, he still gets oddly shy when it comes to masturbating? He checks at least three time to make sure he locked the door before even thinking about dropping his pants. Even the thought of you catching him in the act has him losing his hard on faster than he got it... idk man, I guess everyone needs their alone time, right?

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again - Taeil is one hella freaky dude. As far as kinks go, I think he’s into the following:

Dominance: Referring back to the “dirty secret,” you can bet your ass Taeil is gonna be the one in charge in the bedroom! He takes much pride in the way you listen to each and every one of his commands. Even when he “gives you control” for the night, you and him both know damn well that you’re never really in control... Even when you top, he’s got a firm grasp on your hips; controlling both your speed and your movements.

Marking (giving & receiving): Also referring back to his favorite body part of yours, Taeil has a slight obsession with leaving as many hickeys on you as he can. He loves the way your body, (neck in particular), looks after he’s left his mark on you; in the form of little purple blotches. He also secretly loves it when you return the favor; as long as its below the neckline, and out of sight for anyone to see! He likes to bitch and complain about the hickeys on his chest and scratch marks covering his back the morning after, but when he's all alone, he’ll stand in the mirror shirtless, and admire the work of art you left on his skin.

Dirty talk (giving & receiving): At first glance, Taeil might seem like a shy and reserved kind of guy, but in the bedroom he’s far from! He’s actually quite blunt. He likes to whisper crude remarks in your ear in-between pants and moans; leaving you speechless and blushing like crazy. But Taeil can’t even put into words what it does to him when you return the vulgar comments. It sends a chill down his spine hearing such dirty words spill from your precious mouth, and he has to stop himself from coming right then and there.

Teasing (giving): This little shit... Taeil is the biggest damn tease! One of his favorite things to do is make you beg for whatever it is he’s withholding from you. He’s relentless, too. If you’re feeling stubborn and refuse to give into his desire to hear you beg, then oh well. I guess you’ll have to go without, because no matter how willful you may be, he’s even more headstrong; and he is not giving you want you want until he hears you beg for it!

Orgasm control (giving): This one goes hand in hand with the teasing. More often than not, Taeil is going to make you work for your orgasms! Right when he realizes you’re on the brink of euphoria, he’ll slow down any and all movements to an agonizing, torturous pace, with a cocky smirk plastered on his face. He’ll then proceed to taunt you, asking if you “really deserve it” in an ever so condescending tone. Sometimes ya just wanna slap him.

Loud sex: If you ask me, Taeil is one of, if not the loudest in bed. He lets himself bask in the pleasure, not giving two fucks about how loud he may be in the process. But he’s always making an effort not to get too loud; as he wants to be able to hear you crying out from the pleasure. And if you’re thinking of slapping a hand over your mouth, or biting your lip to forcibly quiet yourself down, don't; because Taeil won't be having any of that.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Honestly, this freak dude would be fine taking you anywhere, as long as theres a locked door; meaning absolutely no chance of getting caught. Being the oldest, there’s this sense of responsibility he carries, and he can't help but try to be the best role model possible to his younger brothers. Getting caught having sex by one of the other members is one of the worst things that could happen, according to him.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going, etc)

As previously stated, seeing you “flirting” with his friends is a sure way to get him all riled up and ready to fuck your brains out. But a very close second to that would be stress. Taeil is the type of person to literally fuck his stress away. If he’s being overworked and pushed too hard, his emotions get all out of whack, which tends to makes him extremely horny. And I’m not talking “cute, bubbly, vanilla sex” horny - no. I’m talking “fucking you into your mattress so hard you can’t walk tomorrow” horny. But I mean hey, who’s complaining? He’s relieving himself of some unwanted stress while you get dicked the fuck down... It’s a win-win situation!

N = NO (Something they wouldn't do; turn offs)

Like I said, Taeil wouldn’t do anything to risk getting caught in the act by any of the other members. Meaning absolutely no sex if theres not a lock on the door. Just the thought of that is bone chilling to him. Other than that, Taeil strikes me as the kind of guy to “try anything once,” so I think with him, experimenting would be a major key in letting you know what things he enjoys and what things  he doesn't.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Honestly, with Taeil, its dead even. Of course he loves getting his dick sucked, (what guy doesn't), but he loves pleasuring you just as much. Watching you squirm underneath him while your faces scrunches in pleasure, hands desperately grabbing at his hair as you whimper his name followed by moans and groans of pure satisfaction is a thing of beauty to him. He wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. As far as skills go, this boy definitely knows how to use his mouth; thats for sure! Hell, he probably knows your own body better than you do!

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc)

Like I've been saying throughout this entire post, his pace, attitude, and everything alike depends 100% on what kind of mood he’s in. But more often than not, be prepared for rough sex, because thats exactly what Taeil will be giving to you!

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc)

Hell yeah, Taeil’s down for a quickie! But, (for the 50th time), only if its behind the security of a locked door! Whether it be fast one in a LOCKED bedroom at the dorms, or a quick fuck in a LOCKED supply closet backstage before a show, he’s all up for it! He just, and this bares repeating, DOESN’T WANT TO GET CAUGHT!

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc)

Taeil’s as game as they come. Like I mentioned, he’s the kinda guy to try something at least once before deciding whether or not he likes it. A big part of your sex life is experimenting with different kinds of positions, kinks, toys, etc. As far as risks go, Taeil is pretty mild. Since getting caught is a huge no-no, don't expect to try anything spontaneously perilous.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last, etc)

I’d say Taeil’s stamina is a little above average. On average, he can go two, sometimes three rounds if he’s feeling up to it. Sex as a whole usually lasts about an hour or so, (give or take a little), but a lot of it foreplay, rather than actual sex. Still good, nonetheless!

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

It definitely depends on the toy! I can see Taeil loving things like handcuffs, blindfolds, and pretty much anything that has to do with sensory depravation; aiding him in the teasing aspect of things. But I don't see him being too fond of toys such as vibrators. He prides himself in knowing just what you like and being able to pleasure you in unthinkable ways, so bringing in a toy that’ll potentially take his place isn't really ideal to him. He also isn't too keen on you using any of said toys on him. In his eyes, it only takes away from the domineering persona that he worked so hard to build.

U = Unfair (How much do they like to tease?)

HE TEASES YOU TO NO EXTENT! Sometimes, if he's feeling extra cruel, he’ll see just how far he can take the teasing; until you absolutely can't take it anymore. If that means you’re left with tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, then so be it. His dominant nature mixed with his love for teasing and hearing you beg makes for some harsh and persistent torment. Which is still undoubtably enjoyable.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc)

Again, if you ask me, Taeil is the loudest of all in the bedroom. He is very much a moaner! Most of the sounds he elicits are going to be loud, angelic moans. He’s also a bit of a groaner/grunter; especially if he’s fucking you for all you’re worth. I can definitely see him being the type to cry out when he cums, too. The most beautiful, sinful, melodious sound your ears have ever been blessed with.

W = Wild Card (Create a random headcannon for the character of your choice)

“Now, baby girl,” Taeil says, ignoring your distraught whimpers as yet another orgasm slips through your fingers, “what have I told you about flirting with my friends just to tease me?” he asks in a low, raspy tone while dragging a single digit tauntingly around your core; purposely avoiding the place you desperately needed him the most.

There was a dull ache in your shoulders as you wiggled your wrists, wincing at the chaffing of the handcuffs that currently bound your hands together. You slowly looked up to find Taeil already staring at you; making you feel completely powerless under his intense gaze. His eyes were a darker shade than usual, and his face held a stern expression that sent waves of both excitement and nervousness coursing through your body at the thought of what was to come.

“I asked you a question!” he bellowed out as he suddenly pinched your clit between his thumb and pointer finger; eliciting a high pitched yelp from you, as you helplessly tugged on your restraints.

“I’M SORRY I’M S-SORRY-” you cried out, trying to the best of your ability to shimmy your way higher up on the bed, and away from the harsh hold he had on your sex.

“Really? Cause you didn't seem too sorry when you were throwing yourself on Johnny earlier today?” he asked rhetorically as he cocked his head to the side and sent you a bone chilling glare.

“I-I...” you stuttered, unable to think of a suitable response for his accusation.

“That’s what I thought,” he replied in a curt manner, before thrusting his hips forwards; filling you up without the slightest warning.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what's going on in those pants; picture or words)

Hmm I think Taeil is average in length; maybe around 5 inches? But he definitely makes up for it in girth because DAMN that boy is THICK !!!

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Since a big part of his sex drive comes from stress, and I’d imagine he’s pretty stressed out most, if not all of the time, I'd say his sex drive is fairly high.

Z = ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

This all depends on how rough he was with you. The rougher he is, the more thoughtful and considerate the aftercare will be. This boy doesn't even THINK about laying down to go to sleep before making sure you’re alright; and that he didn't go to far, or get too aggressive with you. He might be all dominant, rough and condescending during sex, but afterwards, he’s back to the sweet, harmless, caring and gentle Taeil you know and love!

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

Cold eyes warm hearts- a allie and sasha oneshot of my fav oc pairing

Ok soooo this one is gonna be different from the other oneshots ive written. Instead of centering around ada(like they usually do) this will center around my ocs Allie Jones and Sasha Arlovskaya This is a oneshot that randomly came to my head Enjoy the Allie x Sasha~ WARNING THIS IS GONNA GET ANGSTY AND THERES GONNA BE YANDERE SASHA APPEARING IN THIS(TW: PHYSICAL ABUSE AND VIOLENCE AND SASHA COMMITING MURDER) (This is in 3rd p.o.v) “ i dont trust him” The american girl sighed rather heavily, picking up her milkshake and stirring it. “ cmon Sash give the guy a chance! Hes really nice and sweet and hes been really good to me the couple dates weve gone out on…"Allie tried to reason with her best male friend with little success, as the bellarussian simply narrowed his cold pink tinted slate colored eyes more and didnt touch the diner special plated in front of him. There was a world meeting this week in Allie’s father’s country so instead of hanging around the conferrence building Allie Jones dragged her cold, intimidating friend out to a local nearby diner. She shouldve known izzalia would mention her new boyfriend to Sasha… Sasha let out a grunt “i do not care. I do not trust him. I do not trust the gleam little sunflower described in his eyes. He does not sound good.” He argued firmly, crossing his heavy trench coat covered arms. Allie sighed again and took a sip of her vanilla and strawberry milkshake to come up with another counterargument. As she did she took in her friend’s appearance…his pale hair that was such a pale blonde it looked silver in the sunlight, his snowy skin, his frozen slate colored orbs for eyes, his slightly crooked teeth bared lightly in a snarl at her boyfriend-just the thought of him really, his strong broad shoulders and lanky appearing figure under that insufferable looking soot black trenchcoat and long sleeved dark blue shirt…… Allie shook away the thoughts and tried again. “Sash you havent even MET the guy yet! Just give him a chance and relax, i can handle myself just fine.” He responded with a grunt and took a bite of the large order of fries he had, one of the only things he really showed interest in eating. Allie gave a grunt of her own and chucked a fry at his face. “Dude seriously youre killing the happy mood of the whole damn diner.” At that his lips twitched up in the start of a smile and he rolled his eyes, easily swatting away the fry. “So sorry i am not a cheerful loudmouth like you Camellia.” Allie rolled her blood red eyes and ate her food, steering the subject away from her love life. And away from Sasha noticing the bruise on her arm. It wasnt that she was scared OF Sasha, no that wasnt it at all. Sasha was cold and could be intimidating sure, but to her she saw a cranky, smartmouthed, and overprotective boy that noticed things no one else but her own sister noticed. For good and for bad. She wasnt scared of him….more of his reaction to the finger shaped bruises on her arm, still freshly dark from yesterday. ‘he…he didnt mean it…he was stressed and was nice enough to make plans for us that i cancelled and forgot to tell him about…he had every right to grab me so hard and to yell like he did….’ Sasha sighed and nudged his food around. He knew she was hiding something, but Allie was….a complicated being to question. If you approached her bluntly about hiding something she’ll deny it and get defensive and skittish. But he couldnt ignore it either… Whether he liked it or not the loud, normally cheerful and foul-mouthed american girl had managed to situate herself into his life, his inner circle of trust, and biggest of all his heart. As he ate another fry he kept an eye on her, watching her movements and behavior for any hint of what was wrong with her. ‘she has been….skittish all day…hmmm….’ He was silent as she rambled about her dance lessons, seeing her sister and uncle mattheiu, about everything that happened between the times they saw each other in person that he didnt already know about. He lost all focus on her words though when she slipped off her leather jacket absently and waved her right arm in some kind of gesture. All his focus narrowed on the large, dark finger like bruises right below the tan girl’s elbow. “What.Are.Those.Allie.” Allie’s whole body tensed up and froze, her eyes widening. “….its nothing Sasha. Forget about them.” The bellarussian capital narrowed his eyes into a frigid glare and he grabbed her elbow firmly but gently, looking over the bruises with a low snarl. “Did He Do this? Does your father know about these bruises? What else has he done to you Camellia?!” Allie winced at his slowly rising tone and tugged at her arm to get it away from him. “C-christ Sasha calm down! No…dad doesnt know about it…he hasnt done anything to me…but…….yes….these are from him….” Her voice grew quieter and quieter as she spoke, shrinking back so subtly that Sasha let go and forced himself to calm down, eyes softening. “Camellia….” She smiled softly at him and rested her hand on his, her eyes lightening up in the way that made him relax. The light in her eyes was forgiving and happy. “Hey….its fine Sash. Youre protective of your friends…i know this…i shouldnt have hidden it from you….dont worry you didnt do anything wrong Sash. Im fine i promise they dont even hurt.” The two shared a moment of calmed silence before sasha set his other hand over allie’s gripping gently as they locked eyes… “Camellia…” “Sasha i…” She glanced away towards the door and sasha saw all the light die in her eyes as her face paled slightly. She yanked her hand away and forced a cheerful smile as footsteps approached them. “Allie! Baby i wasnt expecting to see you here…..with, a guy.” Sasha turned and glared at the tall male who stopped at their table, standing uncomfortably close to allie. Sasha saw the nervous twitch to the american’s fingers as she looked up at him. “O-oh hey Troy…t-this is my best friend Sasha. Hes in town from out of country and we’re just….catching up. Its..um…why i couldnt hang out today….” Her voice quieted seeing the human frown. Sasha gripped the table hard and blatantly glared at the human. “I am Sasha. You…must be the “boy friend” i have heard about.” His tone was as sharp and disgusted with the human as his glare. “ yeah im her boyfriend. Cmon allie you can hang out with…him…some other time lets go do something.” Before she could protest or refuse he grabbed her upper arm roughly and yanked her out of her seat. Sasha was seeing red when he saw her flinch a bit and allow him to push her around without fighting back. She grabbed her jacket and whispered a goodbye to the capital as she was dragged away. Sasha seethed and almost cracked the table when he punched it ‘that….bastard…is…dead…’ A few days passed and sasha was still seething, and allie didnt know what to do. They had been fighting and arguing viciously since what theyve both decided to call the ‘Diner Incident’. Almost every conversation between them turned into arguements and the guilt from it was eating Allie alive. She couldnt stand it, the tension between them. By the second to last day of the world meeting Allie was so distraught she had almost relasped, if her sister hadnt been there….. Allie shook her head a bit, not daring to even think about it. She was still clean, upset and miserable sure, but clean. She sighed a bit as she walked with troy down the street, blocking out her thoughts and the whole world really. That was a mistake. SMACK! She yelped in surprise and pain at the sudden harsh stinging in her cheek and looked at the human startled. “W-what the FUCK was that for?!” He glared at her almost disgusted and before she could react he managed to hit her across the face again, making her stumble into a wall. “ next time dont ignore me when im talking.” He sneered. Allie flinched back when he lifted his hand towards her, shrinking back. Then the next thing she knew Troy went flying down the sidewalk with a pissed off bellarussian and her whole world froze and tilted under her feet for a moment. She flinched at the crack sound his head made when it collided with the pavement, Sasha’s punch having sent him clear off his feet. But Sasha didnt stop there. He had lost it completely. And he was out for blood. Sasha didnt stop as he pinned the human down and started punching him over and over again, snarling and swearing loudly at him in russian as he did. The human boy had no chance to fight back or defend himself, sasha was ruthless and merciless. His vision was as red as his fists as he kept punching. “Sasha stop!” He snarled as Allie latched onto him and tried to yank him back, struggling against her to finish the human off. “Let.GO!” allie kept clinging to him and yanking him back. Sasha snarled at her persistance until he felt something wet start staining his shoulders. His whole body stopped moving. Allie was crying. His camellia was crying…. “P-p-please s-sasha…s-stop…p-please…” He blinked and the red cleared and he let his american pull him away a bit from the beaten and bloodied human, hugging her tightly as soon as he got the chance. “ im sorry camellia im so sorry do not cry camellia shh shhh im sorry it is ok now…” She hiccuped and nodded, looking up at him. Without thinking about it he leaned down and kissed her. It was awkward, wet and salty from her tears, gentle, innocent, a bit restrained, but allie enjoyed it anyway. She wiped her eyes when he pulled away and smiled “L-lets go back to the world conferrence building o-ok?” Sasha nodded but didnt move right away “You go ahead and start walking. I will call an ambulence. I insist.” She hesitated until he kissed her forehead and brushed a tear away, a rare soft smile on his face that made her cheeks flush red. “Please, my camellia, i insist. I will catch up with you shortly. Trust me love.” Allie nodded and kissed his cheek before she started walking away. When sasha knew she wasnt going to look back he grabbed the human and dragged him into a nearby alley, slamming him against a wall. He gave a small crazy smile as he stared at him. “ you will NEVER hurt, look at or touch MY camellia ever again. Understand?” He watched the human nod and smiled wider. Next thing he knew the human had a knife in his gut. “W-w-wha….” Sasha simply smiled even wider and stabbed him again, this time in the heart. “ no one hurts my precious camellia Allie and lives.” “So does this mean we are together now?” Sasha asked tentively to allie, hours later in the conferrence building waiting room. Both had been cleaned up and coddled and now they were relaxing on a comfortable couch. “Hmm…yes, yes it does Sash.” She murmured happily. Sasha smiled softly and kissed the top of her head, all traces of blood and what he had done wiped away. “Im glad my precious camellia….and…” “Hmm?” “You’ll be mine forever, da?” End. OK HOLY SHIT ITS FINALLY DONE HOLY SHIT THAT WAS LONG but im so proud of this right now @phantommoonpeople @canadas-googlesearchhistory @2pcanadas-googlehistory Alright guys here it is angsty yandere sasha! Hope you enjoy it!

[tumblunni]

Baron omatsuri and the secret island traumatizes me yet again, hooray!

Ok wow that was a nostalgia blast! Finally goddamn have a physical copy of this thing to own. Its never been dubbed and the only way to get it was this weird manga UK licensed reprint of a bunch of (i think) hong kong english subtitles. The style of the subtitles looks like that, at least. Its all weird and grainy and very very old fashioned early days of subtitling style, which contrasts completely with the modern dvd menus and box and stuff. And its also a weird combination disc of four different movies, it seems they just bought out a licensing package deal or something? And just baked it onto the disc without checking or editing anything. Its not really a funny sort of bad subtitles though, its just awkward phrasings of thibgs that are hard to understand or random typos or whatever, no legendarily hilarious stuff. I kinda dislike it more when subtitles are like this, when theyre like...actually written by a guy who speaks fluent english but he just never watched the actual movie so theres a bunch of rookie mistakes. Also has a strange case of what you usually only see on fansubs- the obsession with leaving everything in japanese to Sound Cool. Nah we cant call them the Tea Party Pirates we have to say the japanese word for that. Nah we cant have this man say mustache when he's doing the mustache pose and talking about his crew of entirely mustache men who all do this mustache pose NO it has to be Chobehige because its somehow deep and edgy to not understand the word for mustache. Like i feel if i was watching this sub first i would have no idea what was happening! At least its not as bad as that older sub i saw where they insisted on translating friends as "crew", even when it was llike..a singular. This one man is my crew and here are all my other crews! Like i feel like that subber probably originally did that dumb old fandom thing of INSISTING that you had to say Nakama in japanese and Capitalized and it was a Very Important japanese word for specifically pirate friends that was Impossible To Translate. And then they just did a ctrl + F replace on the whole thing and made an incomprehensible mess. Also for some reason sanji just yells DOCTOR out of nowhere (chopper wasnt even in the scene) and baron omatsuri's one syllable "oh" is translated as some long string of what seems to be baseball jargon..?

But ANYWAY the movie is still fuckin awesome and i actually noticed EVEN MORE dark shit and subtle storytelling that i missed when i was a kid! The whole 'small child zombie stares blankly at the place where a sword stabbed through his chest and cant understand why he got back up' scene is EVEN MORE emotionally destructuve than i thought! Cos the subtlety of the voiceacting seems to make the poor kid sound so tired and resigned to it? He's desperately asking and his father figure feeds him the same old lies he's done a million times about how he's totally still alive and everything is fine. Like wow i missed that inplication that this has happened before! And then he kinda sounds like he's actually aware that Baron is lying and he's just pretending to believe him to make him feel better. And then he starts turning back into a corpse and he doesnt panic like muchigoro or not realize whats happening like the grandpas do. He just looks straight at his hand falling apart and tries to lie to Baron to make him feel better. *long shot of him from behind before you see whats happened* "I'm just feeling dizzy again. I've got used to it." *him staring blankly at his body falling apart, not even capable of feeling sad about it anymore* "Don't worry...i've got used to it." *thud*

Like FUCKING HELL this film is the best damn existential horror thing ever and why the FUCK did they market it as a fun happy kids film? it probably would have been way more successful if the twist wasnt kept all twisty, honestly.

And also WOW YEAH theres a lot of stuff thats the subtlest goddamn storytelling in the universe and youd never notice unless you watched this film a million times like i did! Like during the intro when everythibg still seems all fun and cute and normal, the advert for the Totally Innocent Not A Trap Super Secret Island Resort is being read over some random shots of waves and stuff. But then right near the end you see those same shots again and it becomes clear that it was literally the view from Baron's eyes as he was falling from the ship and drowning, desperately trying to keep his head above water and strain his eyes to see if anyone else had survived. All the moments that just looked like camera cuts were actually when his head fell beneath the waves. Thats fuckin amaizng you straight up showed the ending in the beginning and we didnt notice????

Oh and also right before THE FUCKIN TERRIFYING MUCHIGORO DEATH SCENE you see him casually mention being 'sleepy' a few scenes earlier. It just passes by without notice and you think that he's just drunk until he suddenly starts going from comedic slurring to fucking asphixiating and the SKIN ON HIS FINGERS PEELING OFF. Oh hey! Another thing i didnt notice before! FUCKING THAT. A fun game for you on your rewatch! Looking out to find the secret finger horror! Ha ha ha...ha...

Also MAN OH WOW all the subtle signs of Baron getting more desparate throughout the movie and how it seems the time limit for the zombies was almost up and he had to kill these specific pirates right now because he couldnt spare even a few more hours. In retrospect it makes sense how he was slipping up and leaving evidence for the heroes to figure him out. And its just so subtly offputting and strange how he goes from making a big fun performance about the festival early on and then starts subtky rushing through the formalities faster. Like you dont eveb conciously notice the tone is changing until suddenly BAM the full change happens and you realise you missed all those signs! And aaaa its so fuckin sad how you see him come running when muchigoro drops dead and he's like fuckin GET OUT OF THE WAY DAMMIT and kneels down next to the body and theb he just..turns emotionless again and goes ITS TIME FOR THE NEXT CHALLENGE. It is time. Its now. Shut the fuck up and do it, i dont have time to deal with this shit, just die so i can bring my friend back. (Tho of course you dont know thats why at the time) And then whats most jarring about the whole scene to me is how he's like "okay fuck it theres no more fun theres no more attractions, if youre not gonna play along then the final game is just i shoot your damn head off" WHILE YKNOW STILL STANDING OVER THE CORPSE OF HIS FRIEND AND STARING DAGGERS INTO THEM LIKE ITS THEIR FAULT FOR DARING TO CLING ONTO LIFE and then a fuckin half finished hapoy fun carnival game sign pops up in the backgroubd and everyone walks past it. Why was that somehow both hilarious and terrifying????? Just fuckin 'whoops we had this thing ready to go but alright its murder time i guess' and everyone IS SUDDENLY PACKING HEAT AND RIDDLING OUR HEROES WITH BULLETS???

And also even more subtly Baron just?? Stays with muchigoro?? Like notice how the entirety of the endgame takes place around where the dude dropped dead. And how when mustache pirate guy saves luffy you see Baron just walking in circles around the same area angrily shooting arrows at nothing in complete desperation even though the dude is gone and itd make more sense to run after him. No he stays standing right there and actually looks really damn relieved when luffy comes back, he's like 'holy shit you really were stupid enough to walk right into my trap jesus christ im so glad but also youre a dumbass'. And he fights entirely using arrows at this point so you might not even notice that he barely walks more than just circling a two meter radius of fuckin DEAD BEST FRIEND CORPSE. Which btw blends intonthe shadows for this entire scene and they only draw attention it again after Baron wibs and muchigoro comes back to life. And UGH MY HEART you see him smile genuinely for the firstvtime and he's like 'im so glad youre okay' and muchigoro is like 'haha im more than okay i can do somersaults!' and generally being a FUCKING TREASURE and this poor fuckin horrible evil man is hugging his buddy and gently leading him away from the battlefield so he doesnt norice he was just fuckin murdering some dudes to ressurect him. God the scariest damn thing about this film is how the zombies dont know theyre zombies and honestky they probably wouldnt even agree with their boss's plan to kill people to keep them alive. They justvthink they live a perfectly normal happy life on hapoy festival island, and he wants them to stay that way and never feel pain again :(

Aaaaand then yeah the infamous scene of revealing this horrifying intestines flower is growing out of the flesh on his back and all the corpses its digesting are pushed against the undulating flesh of its throat like a snake devouring its prey. And its cutesy fake flower face grows infinate eyes as it just keeps laughing and laughing. And then it gets graphically blown apart and the poor goddamn parasite host tries to shove the bloody instestines back into its body, knowing that without this horrifying monster chewing on his goddamn veins all his friends will go back to being dead.

THE END

THE FUCKING END

God it ends so abruptly seriously

I still cry my eyes out every time at the ending monologue of Baron dying and meeting all the souls of his dead friends and theyre crying telling him he shouldnt be here, they wish he'd been able to find another reason to live without him...

And then THE END

JAUNTY MUSIC OVER THE CREDITS

THE FUCKIN END I GUESS

What a great but very oddly executed movie. Seriously i feel it could have worked better if it was given space to breathe and more deeply explore the dark themes rather than the weirdness of trying to fool the audience into thinking it was cheerful and innocent. Like all of this shit happens in the last 30 minutes of the movie! They spend 60 minutes on the fun carnival games! What a strange sense of priorities!!

I WOULD DEVOUR A MILLION HOURS MORE OF DEEP SAD ZOMBIE CONTENT

I am like the Lily of fanfics

Oh yeah btw the horrifying deadly elder god spine parasite thing is named Lily and it looks pretty much exactly like flowey from undertale. This film kinda spoiled me for that game LOL ive never trusted a single talking flower ever since!

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The Age of ‘Not Helping’

Somewhere, someone first wrote Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. We are pretty sure it wasnt Mark Twain. It may have been Abraham Lincoln. It may have been somebody misremembering a biblical proverb, or the author of a book of rhymes for children. A Minnesota newspaper attributed it to Empeco. Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum may have come up with it. Whoever it was, they had a point.

2016 was an exciting time for the global far right and their stateside cheerleaders. Voters in the UK opted to separate from the European Union, which some feared would perilously weaken the alliance. Marine Le Pen, a French nationalist, was mounting a serious play for her countrys presidency. In Germany, in the Netherlands, in Hungary, and in Austria, far right seemed poised to break into the mainstream.

Fast forward six months into 2017, and that storyline seems to have reached its raveled end. Le Pen was defeated by a 39-year-old ingenue. Germanys Angela Merkels post looks safer for Germany than it did at the turn of the year. And in Great Britain, conservative Prime Minister Theresa May, human cautionary tale, called a snap election in an attempt to strengthen her power as the country heads into Brexit talks. This week, that effort backfired. May is now facing a hung parliament.

Many factors have contributed to this swing to the left. One of those reasons is Donald Trumps unpopularity, and his seeming inability, for even a second, to stop reminding people how much they hate him.

For an average person, the consequences of foolish speech only serve to embarrass the fool, or the fools girlfriend. But for politically active public figures, from celebrities who dabble all the way up to the Oval Office, foolish speech is more damaging. It gives ones opponents ammunition and turns off people who could have become allies.

Public figures have always been tripping over their own proverbial dicks, but, thanks to social media and an ethos that values the act of speaking up over the contents of speech, broadcasting ones foolishness has never been more seductive. Nor has it been easier for other people to notice that idiocy, expand its reach, and demand apologies from the poor fools tasked with PR cleanup.

Lena Dunham started her career as a shining star of young filmmaking talent, but recently has made more headlines for embodying a caricature of culturally walled-off safe space millennial liberalism. The most recent headache shes caused her ideological brethren occurred in December, when she told listeners to her podcast that she hadnt had an abortion, but wished she would have. She then apologized on Instagram by saying that she was merely playing a character. During the presidential campaign, she backed Hillary Clinton and vowed to move to Canada if Trump was elected, and then did not move to Canada. Last week, she posted a photo of herself wearing a body-length blaze orange sleeping bag, which somehow is supposed to fight gun violence, or something. If she didnt already exist, conservatives would invent her.

When Kathy Griffin posted a photo of herself hoisting a fake severed Donald Trump head the other week, all she accomplished was aiding producers at Fox & Friends struggling to find news stories to chase that did not have to do with Trumps ineptitude. She gave a party without ideas a break from weaving their own ropes. Her subsequent apology and press conference about bullying Streisand Effect-ed her into the right wing news cycle and Donald Trump Jrs conspiratory-nuts Twitter timeline. Not helping.

Bill Maher, in his long career, has found himself creating grief for his supposed ideological brethren, recently saying the N-word in conversation with Senator Ben Sasse. Sean Penn annoys the piss out of some on the left. So does Susan Sarandon. Actor Matt McGorrys over-the-top feminist dude wokeness is frequent fodder for ridicule among many all-female text circles. Not Helping.

Steve Harvey is a classic Not Helper. Sarah Palin has a similar opportunism streak, often inserting herself into discussions to add nothing but another thing to make those shes trying to help look bad. Maxine Waters, as beloved as shes become by some, is viewed by others as a corrupt grandstanding opportunist, tossing irresponsible accusations before enough evidence exists to back them up. Speaking of Maxine Waters: Bill OReilly. Not helping. Ann Coulter and Piers Morgan, while quick to speak up, often seem to do so without first considering whether theyre doing good or making a mess for somebody else to clean up.

In other cases, whether or not speaking up is helping or not isnt as clear.

Hillary Clinton stepped back from public life after her electoral defeat last fall. But now shes back, and shes exactly the same as ever. Sure, some superficial elements have changed– her purple pantsuit of defeat hasnt been brought out of retirement yet–her message is the one shes been delivering for her entire career in the public eye. Never let anybody silence your voice, she told graduates of Medgar Evers College in New York City this week.

Clintons months-long return to the limelight hasnt been smooth, nor has it always been welcome. Why cant the Clintons just go away? lamented the New York Post back in April. Weeks later, New York Daily News columnist Gersh Kuntzman urged Hillary Clinton to shut the f— up and go away! Two weeks later, Boston Globe columnist Adriana Cohen asked How can we move on together if Hillary Clinton wont go away? And on Friday, Vanity Fair joined the dogpile, running a story headlined Can Hillary Clinton please go quietly into the night?

If Hillary Clinton delivers a speech alone in a forest and theres no op-ed columnists around to tell her to fuck off, is she still hurting America?

Two weeks ago, Clinton delivered the commencement address at her alma mater Wellesley College. During that speech, she sharply criticized President Trump. The Republican National Committee tried to raise funds off Clintons speech immediately. After months of bumbling, gridlock, and failure, they finally had something pure that would fire up their supporters that didnt involve them highlighting their own inability to govern. On one hand, telling a woman to shut up for no reason sounds pretty sexist. On the other, Hillary Clinton declaring that she will not sit down or shut up was the best thing that happened to Republicans that week.

At the same time Clinton was urging graduates in New York City to keep speaking up, in Washington, DC, former FBI director James Comey was speaking under oath before a Senate committee. The committee was interested in figuring out whether President Donald Trump had attempted to obstruct an FBI investigation into the ties between various agents of the Trump campaign and Russian efforts to influence the American election. Trump, it seemed, couldnt resist speaking up about Michael Flynn, about wanting certain behaviors out of an FBI director. According to Comeys testimony, each time the president spoke up to Comey about FBI business, he just made things worse.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, the man has never, not once in his 70-year-life, shut the fuck up. A recording of him bragging about sexually assaulting women in an apparent attempt to convince Billy Bush that he was a cool and good guy incinerated the career of Bush and nearly tanked his campaign. There was that Obama-was-born-in-Kenya nonsense. Then-candidate Trump congratulated himself after 49 people were murdered in a terrorist attack in Orlando a year ago. He crowed about the UKs decision to pull out of the EU, last August tweeting with characteristic bombast that They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT! After London was attacked by terrorists last weekend, President Mr. Brexit attacked Londons mayor and called for a travel ban on Twitter.

But a person can only talk so much shit before stepping in it, and Not Helper-In-Chief Trumps inability to shut up is a problem for people who get too close to him.

The Presidents twitter habit has cost him credibility, and his aides their dignity as they scramble to control a White House message thats about as streamlined as an untethered firehose on full blast. It may have forever ruined his childrens ability to function as business leaders; its tarnished his daughters image so much that she or somebody close to her has taken to planting positive stories about her in supermarket tabloids owned by Trump family allies.

Every day presents a new opportunity for Donald Trump to shut up. And every day, Donald Trump lets that opportunity pass him buy, reminding people the world over that they do not like him. To paraphrase dead #MAGA-land darling Pepe the Frog, tweeting feels good, man. But its not helping Trumps cause beyond Trumps own desire to express himself. His ego is screwing things up for people who should be his allies. Mr. Brexit indeed.

If Hillary Clinton needs to go quietly into the night to best serve her cause, Donald Trump needs to have his phone chucked into the Lincoln Memorials snail-infested reflecting pool, and be kept at least a golf course-length away from the nearest microphone.

Yesterday, during a press conference alongside Romanian President Klaus Iohannis, Trump again displayed his famous restraint, barking out that James Comey had lied during his Senate testimony and that hed testify to that effect under oath.

Somewhere, the author of that quote about proving ones foolishness by speaking up rolled over in his grave.

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Faster Than a Speeding City Bus: Holy Shit, I Just found 1/2 lb o’ Hippy Lettuce

Theres been a few times I thought my ticket was about to be punched. You know, headed for the wrong side of the grass. This was one. Four of my 9th grade buddies and I rode the bus to the mall.  Exciting shit for small town burbanites. On the way home, there was a major stoner on the back row giving us the stink-eye. We’ll call him Shaggy. In fact, this bus was pretty much the stoner express on the back half. It was probably the punked out, bleached hairdo's of a couple of the bro's that pissed him off.  Shaggy was cradling one of those 90s era double sided cassette cases like it was full of gold bars, or the nuclear launch codes or something. To him, it was more important than gold bars as we'd soon find out.

He pulled the cord and got off. Giving us one more long stink-eye as he passed.  Looking at his seat, I couldn't believe my eyes. "Holy Crap, Shaggy left his briefcase!!" We swarmed like starving hyenas and started rifling through it. 14-15 y.o. boys don't get real cerebral about such things. It was on. It was a young headbangers essential listening. A major score. One gem after another. As the pillaging and pilfering died down, people headed back to their seats. Realizing it was double sided, I flipped the case over and opened it. I kicked it off once again, "Holy sheep scrotum, guys check this out!!" The reason he was hugging it so tight became obvious. 

The other stoner dudes in the back of the bus definitely wanted in on this one. It was stacked wide and deep w/ individual 1/2 oz bags o’ weed. 16 of them. And not the seedy, stemmy shit we were used to. The second I opened it, the glorious piney scent washed over me, and it only said one thing. “High Grade Chron.”  1/2 lb. total, packed and stacked for maximum efficiency.

We were hooting and hollering, giggling and squealing like 8 year olds on Christmas morning as the bus stopped about 1.5 miles from where Shaggy had exited stage right. Suddenly, our glee was snuffed out and replaced with straight up “ohhhh SHIT.”  To our disbelief, a very sweaty and unhappy Shaggy was about to become a whole lot more unhappy.

How he caught that bus, I'll never know. Shaggy was a stoner w/ a kick ass set of lungs, obviously. This was the only stop since he got off. He didn’t have to conduct much of an investigation.  The kids w/ 8 cassette tapes each, stacked proudly together caught his eye first. And there was fire those in eyes. Apologizing profusely, we handed over all the cassettes and he seemed a little better. It didn’t last. 

Shaggy saw the empty other side. The accusations and denials got so heated, the Driver stopped again and kicked us all off, to sort it out. “ I don’t care what’s going on, I don’t wanna know, just take it the hell off my bus!”  There was 4 of us, but that wasn't helping the vibe much. "We didn't take your stuff, serious, it was those stoners man." Right then, our luck changed in a big way. The biggest baddest stoner made a serious tactical mistake. A mistake that was about to save our asses. 

Just as the bus revved up and started pulling way, I looked up to see him hanging all the way out the window from the waist up. Shaking his fist w/ one hand, giving us the "sssshhhhh" sign w/ the other. His slow reflexes sealed the deal on our escape. 

Seeing our out, I pointed "Look, it was him, look. That dude!" Shaggy whips around, and sees stoner full gesture. Self Incriminating gesture. I started to say “see, it’s not....” But he already pounced.

He didn't waste any time, and resumed his sprint to recover his precious goods once and for all. One of my bro's Dad worked at the Hardware Store nearby on Saturdays. 2 or 3 of us in unison, “Let’s get the fuck outta here.”  We sprinted the whole 1/2 mile distance, seeking refuge from the sh*t storm we'd got ourselves into. He hid us in the break room until his shift was over, then drove us home. "Why did you come here boys?" Being gifted beyond our years in the art of BS and the quick improv response, my buddy spread it on thick. "I just wanted to see you Dad, just wanted to say Hi. Make sure you’re having a good day." The old man got the warm and fuzzies w/ that response.  

The real story would stay within the bro circle of trust. Well, for about 2 hrs anyway. Until we smoked out anyone who partook, early and often, and re-lived the drama again and again like conquering heroes. I like to think that Shaggy caught that bus again, but I'll never know. We had no complaints. Of course, within a short period of time we realized, you NEVER steal a drug dealers stash. At the time, we were too young and stupid to care, and it kept our bowling league going for at least a month. And anyone else who wanted in. 

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The Age of ‘Not Helping’

Somewhere, someone first wrote Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. We are pretty sure it wasnt Mark Twain. It may have been Abraham Lincoln. It may have been somebody misremembering a biblical proverb, or the author of a book of rhymes for children. A Minnesota newspaper attributed it to Empeco. Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum may have come up with it. Whoever it was, they had a point.

2016 was an exciting time for the global far right and their stateside cheerleaders. Voters in the UK opted to separate from the European Union, which some feared would perilously weaken the alliance. Marine Le Pen, a French nationalist, was mounting a serious play for her countrys presidency. In Germany, in the Netherlands, in Hungary, and in Austria, far right seemed poised to break into the mainstream.

Fast forward six months into 2017, and that storyline seems to have reached its raveled end. Le Pen was defeated by a 39-year-old ingenue. Germanys Angela Merkels post looks safer for Germany than it did at the turn of the year. And in Great Britain, conservative Prime Minister Theresa May, human cautionary tale, called a snap election in an attempt to strengthen her power as the country heads into Brexit talks. This week, that effort backfired. May is now facing a hung parliament.

Many factors have contributed to this swing to the left. One of those reasons is Donald Trumps unpopularity, and his seeming inability, for even a second, to stop reminding people how much they hate him.

For an average person, the consequences of foolish speech only serve to embarrass the fool, or the fools girlfriend. But for politically active public figures, from celebrities who dabble all the way up to the Oval Office, foolish speech is more damaging. It gives ones opponents ammunition and turns off people who could have become allies.

Public figures have always been tripping over their own proverbial dicks, but, thanks to social media and an ethos that values the act of speaking up over the contents of speech, broadcasting ones foolishness has never been more seductive. Nor has it been easier for other people to notice that idiocy, expand its reach, and demand apologies from the poor fools tasked with PR cleanup.

Lena Dunham started her career as a shining star of young filmmaking talent, but recently has made more headlines for embodying a caricature of culturally walled-off safe space millennial liberalism. The most recent headache shes caused her ideological brethren occurred in December, when she told listeners to her podcast that she hadnt had an abortion, but wished she would have. She then apologized on Instagram by saying that she was merely playing a character. During the presidential campaign, she backed Hillary Clinton and vowed to move to Canada if Trump was elected, and then did not move to Canada. Last week, she posted a photo of herself wearing a body-length blaze orange sleeping bag, which somehow is supposed to fight gun violence, or something. If she didnt already exist, conservatives would invent her.

When Kathy Griffin posted a photo of herself hoisting a fake severed Donald Trump head the other week, all she accomplished was aiding producers at Fox & Friends struggling to find news stories to chase that did not have to do with Trumps ineptitude. She gave a party without ideas a break from weaving their own ropes. Her subsequent apology and press conference about bullying Streisand Effect-ed her into the right wing news cycle and Donald Trump Jrs conspiratory-nuts Twitter timeline. Not helping.

Bill Maher, in his long career, has found himself creating grief for his supposed ideological brethren, recently saying the N-word in conversation with Senator Ben Sasse. Sean Penn annoys the piss out of some on the left. So does Susan Sarandon. Actor Matt McGorrys over-the-top feminist dude wokeness is frequent fodder for ridicule among many all-female text circles. Not Helping.

Steve Harvey is a classic Not Helper. Sarah Palin has a similar opportunism streak, often inserting herself into discussions to add nothing but another thing to make those shes trying to help look bad. Maxine Waters, as beloved as shes become by some, is viewed by others as a corrupt grandstanding opportunist, tossing irresponsible accusations before enough evidence exists to back them up. Speaking of Maxine Waters: Bill OReilly. Not helping. Ann Coulter and Piers Morgan, while quick to speak up, often seem to do so without first considering whether theyre doing good or making a mess for somebody else to clean up.

In other cases, whether or not speaking up is helping or not isnt as clear.

Hillary Clinton stepped back from public life after her electoral defeat last fall. But now shes back, and shes exactly the same as ever. Sure, some superficial elements have changed– her purple pantsuit of defeat hasnt been brought out of retirement yet–her message is the one shes been delivering for her entire career in the public eye. Never let anybody silence your voice, she told graduates of Medgar Evers College in New York City this week.

Clintons months-long return to the limelight hasnt been smooth, nor has it always been welcome. Why cant the Clintons just go away? lamented the New York Post back in April. Weeks later, New York Daily News columnist Gersh Kuntzman urged Hillary Clinton to shut the f— up and go away! Two weeks later, Boston Globe columnist Adriana Cohen asked How can we move on together if Hillary Clinton wont go away? And on Friday, Vanity Fair joined the dogpile, running a story headlined Can Hillary Clinton please go quietly into the night?

If Hillary Clinton delivers a speech alone in a forest and theres no op-ed columnists around to tell her to fuck off, is she still hurting America?

Two weeks ago, Clinton delivered the commencement address at her alma mater Wellesley College. During that speech, she sharply criticized President Trump. The Republican National Committee tried to raise funds off Clintons speech immediately. After months of bumbling, gridlock, and failure, they finally had something pure that would fire up their supporters that didnt involve them highlighting their own inability to govern. On one hand, telling a woman to shut up for no reason sounds pretty sexist. On the other, Hillary Clinton declaring that she will not sit down or shut up was the best thing that happened to Republicans that week.

At the same time Clinton was urging graduates in New York City to keep speaking up, in Washington, DC, former FBI director James Comey was speaking under oath before a Senate committee. The committee was interested in figuring out whether President Donald Trump had attempted to obstruct an FBI investigation into the ties between various agents of the Trump campaign and Russian efforts to influence the American election. Trump, it seemed, couldnt resist speaking up about Michael Flynn, about wanting certain behaviors out of an FBI director. According to Comeys testimony, each time the president spoke up to Comey about FBI business, he just made things worse.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, the man has never, not once in his 70-year-life, shut the fuck up. A recording of him bragging about sexually assaulting women in an apparent attempt to convince Billy Bush that he was a cool and good guy incinerated the career of Bush and nearly tanked his campaign. There was that Obama-was-born-in-Kenya nonsense. Then-candidate Trump congratulated himself after 49 people were murdered in a terrorist attack in Orlando a year ago. He crowed about the UKs decision to pull out of the EU, last August tweeting with characteristic bombast that They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT! After London was attacked by terrorists last weekend, President Mr. Brexit attacked Londons mayor and called for a travel ban on Twitter.

But a person can only talk so much shit before stepping in it, and Not Helper-In-Chief Trumps inability to shut up is a problem for people who get too close to him.

The Presidents twitter habit has cost him credibility, and his aides their dignity as they scramble to control a White House message thats about as streamlined as an untethered firehose on full blast. It may have forever ruined his childrens ability to function as business leaders; its tarnished his daughters image so much that she or somebody close to her has taken to planting positive stories about her in supermarket tabloids owned by Trump family allies.

Every day presents a new opportunity for Donald Trump to shut up. And every day, Donald Trump lets that opportunity pass him buy, reminding people the world over that they do not like him. To paraphrase dead #MAGA-land darling Pepe the Frog, tweeting feels good, man. But its not helping Trumps cause beyond Trumps own desire to express himself. His ego is screwing things up for people who should be his allies. Mr. Brexit indeed.

If Hillary Clinton needs to go quietly into the night to best serve her cause, Donald Trump needs to have his phone chucked into the Lincoln Memorials snail-infested reflecting pool, and be kept at least a golf course-length away from the nearest microphone.

Yesterday, during a press conference alongside Romanian President Klaus Iohannis, Trump again displayed his famous restraint, barking out that James Comey had lied during his Senate testimony and that hed testify to that effect under oath.

Somewhere, the author of that quote about proving ones foolishness by speaking up rolled over in his grave.

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