#fucked up shit happening in a cave: the wx story

[gravitywonagain]

so i took this post and made it... worse, probably.

(also now in lwj's pov)

[M, 3.6k, 1/1, Wangxian]

Tags: Major Character Death, suicide, suicide by zhiji (but, like, softly?), time travel, hurt/comfort but mostly hurt, I’m not going to lie this is all angst, not a happy ending (i've added a tiny consolation ending but it's not really enough here)

--

It is dark when Wei Wuxian opens his eyes. Cold. The stone is rough, jagged against the soft, tender bruise that is his body. Something is dripping, pooling, rippling. It echoes in the spaces between breaths and heartbeats. The awful silence of fear and worry. 

He doesn’t know where they are. The same place Lan Zhan always takes him, probably. A cave. Near enough to be possible but secluded enough to hide them. Him. For a little while anyway. 

At least this time he’s lucid. Mostly. And this time-- 

He laughs. A wretched sound that burbles against the blood in his lungs, the death in his veins. 

"Did you see them, Lan Zhan? Did you see?"

His voice ricochets off the stone walls and he winces with the sound of it. Rough, scraping, like the rock he’s lying on. 

"Wei Ying--"

Lan Zhan’s voice is softer. Smoother. Like the pool and the ripples. Wet, too. Not with a mouthful of blood, but with sadness. Regret, maybe. Apology, definitely. Wei Wuxian can’t stand to hear him apologize again. He can’t. He cuts him off. Continues his rambling. 

"United in their hate,” he says. Bitter still. Even after so long, after so many fights. 

"Let me--"

"But they were united." He sighs at that. Allows his relief to color it something other than red. 

He feels Lan Zhan’s confusion even before he asks, "Wei Ying?"

It’s easy to smile with Lan Zhan. 

His eyes are still adjusting to the dim, but Lan Zhan has a light all his own and Wei Wuxian finds him close. He’s always close. Traces the tiny dip in his brow, the wrinkle where his lips press together in the smallest pout. 

Even here, even like this -- bloody and desperate -- he’s beautiful. 

"It doesn't work if there's no villain, Lan Zhan.” He keeps his voice softer now. Almost a whisper. As clear as he can make it. “This world doesn't work if there's no one to hate."

"I don't understand."

"You should go. Leave me. They'll only hurt you if they find you here."

"I won't leave you."

Such conviction in him. In his Lan Zhan. He should probably be used to that by now, but it steals his breath every time. He wants to reach out. He did before. He’s not sure if he should again. He closes his eyes instead. 

"So stubborn, Lan Zhan. So good. Always so good." 

"Wei Ying, I--"

"At least Shijie is alive this time."

It just slips out. He doesn’t mean to say it, any of it. But he can’t take what Lan Zhan might say to him in that voice of his. That serious choosing-words-on-purpose voice. An apology, a negation, a confession. He’s not ready for that yet. He’s never ready for it. 

He really didn’t mean to say--

"This time?"

But he did. He did say it. He’s never said it before, never explained. And now Lan Zhan is looking at him even more confused. He deserves something. An explanation, probably, but Wei Wuxian really doesn’t have the energy for that now. 

Not the whole thing. 

Maybe just a piece.

"Yes,” he says, and anxiety begins to claw a path up his rib cage. It shakes something loose inside him: another laugh, an apathy of sorts, “Aiyou, Lan Zhan, I've done this so many times.” He shakes his head, rolling his skull against stone. “I'm so tired." 

He is. So tired. 

His body is torn, shredded, broken. The seal ripped him apart when he destroyed it. It sucked the resentment from his bones like marrow and left him with nothing to stitch closed his wounds. 

Still, earlier was better. He’d been right about that. 

Jiang Yanli lives. And Jin Guangshan’s face was glorious as the metal shards rained down upon him and his gathered clans. 

It didn’t stop them from attacking. He’d been right about that, too. 

"Rest,” says Lan Zhan. “I will be here."

He sounds unsure. Not of his own words; of course he will still be here. Wei Wuxian has long since learned to not doubt Lan Zhan or his devotion. It’s the getting him to leave that is always the hard part. 

No. He is unsure of Wei Wuxian’s. Not, Wei Wuxian thinks, that he believes them false, so much as mad ravings. Hallucinations or lies told by the demons in his head. 

There are no more demons, he wants to say. They’re gone from me and that’s why I’m dying. 

But he doesn’t say that. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if Lan Zhan believes him, or if he thinks him driven insane by resentment. None of it matters because he’s here. 

He’s here. And Wei Wuxian has lived this night over and over, changing and fixing, trying and trying… But no matter what, as long as he survives Nightless City, Lan Zhan is with him in its aftermath. Lan Zhan is here. By his side. 

In danger. 

"They're coming,” Wei Wuxian says, slurred a little in his weariness. He does not say who. He knows he doesn’t need to. “They'll be here soon. They'll take you. You should let them take you."

"I will not le--"

"A'Yuan needs you, Lan Zhan. Let them take you." 

He doesn’t plead; he doesn’t have enough breath left to plead. But this worked, once. 

"Wei Ying?"

It’s still dark when he opens his eyes, but this time he’s adjusted enough to see Lan Zhan frowning at him. He aches with what he’s asking of this man. The years of quiet mourning, the shock of early fatherhood. It hurts more than his twice-broken bones. But it never-- 

"It's okay. I-- Like I said,” he smiles, small but sincere, “it doesn't work if there's no villain."

"Why you?"

This man. 

"If not me, then who?"

"Not you."

This amazing, stubborn man.

Lan Zhan bites his teeth, clenching his jaw tight like he’s holding a snake inside of it. His knuckles are white with his anger, his frustration. 

He deserves so much more than what Wei Wuxian has twisted his life into, but maybe he can give him something to hold onto. Something to ease the emptiness in his heart, in his soul. 

"It's okay, Lan Zhan. I know.” 

Lan Zhan’s eyes snap wide and frightened, meeting his with urgency and concern, contrition so clearly building on the tip of his tongue. So Wei Wuxian softens his own as much as he can. Holds his smile, a warm curl like a petal in sunlight. 

“I know,” he says again, reassuring, he hopes. “You've stayed with me before."

This time Lan Zhan latches onto it. 

"Before?" 

"Yes. You're always so good. Too good. They hurt you when you fight. Don't-- Don't let them hurt you. A'Yuan needs you."

"A'Yuan?" 

There’s a brightness in the way he says the name. A fondness. Even before he has taken the boy home, brought him into his clan, claimed him as his own. He is always such a good father. Wei Wuxian wishes he could be there to see it. 

"He needs you to raise him. I know you'll take such good care of him, Lan Zhan. You always do."

Lan Zhan flinches at the last sentence, the light of him dulling with it. 

"Wei Ying, I don't understand." 

He’s frustrated. Wei Wuxian is being cryptic and weird, which, honestly, Lan Zhan should probably be used to at this point. But Wei Wuxian has also lost a sense of scale for what anyone should or shouldn’t be used to, so maybe not. He still doesn’t have the energy to explain. 

"I know. It's okay."

It’s nothing, empty, but the honesty of it soothes some of the lines from Lan Zhan’s brow anyway. It’s good. Nice. To see him settle so easily for Wei Wuxian. 

Determination knits itself into the line of his lips and Wei Wuxian recognizes it in an instant. 

"Please, Wei Ying, I--"

"Don't say it. Don't say it, Lan Zhan. It only hurts more if you say it. If I-- Don't say it."

It does hurt. It hurts so fucking much. Even if Wei Wuxian knows -- and he does, he knows -- it is so much worse every time he hears Lan Zhan’s confession of it. Different each time, but heartrending to leave him after. 

He doesn’t know if it’s better or worse for Lan Zhan. Maybe, if he wakes up in Mo Manor this time, he’ll ask. 

This Lan Zhan takes it in stride. It’s a rejection to him, but one he was expecting.

He says, "Okay. Okay, Wei Ying."

He masks the sadness of it well. But Wei Wuxian can still see it, can always see it. It’s no less than what he deserves for putting it there. 

"Let them take you. When they come, just go with them. Don't fight." 

Obstinance returns, a welcome distraction. 

"They will kill you."

"Yes."

"I won't--"

"You must. They need a villain,” he says again. “They don't need two. But if you stay with me, if you fight them for me, that is what you become. A'Yuan needs you."

It’s A’Yuan that makes him back down again. The sadness, the rejection, weighing on his shoulders, in the black hollows of his eyes. 

"Okay. Okay, Wei Ying."

He’s seen it before. He’s seen it over and over again. He should be -- should be. Fuck should be. 

He reaches out. 

"Hold my hand?"

"But--"

"I only said not to say it. Not that it's unwelcome." 

Lan Zhan’s hand is big and warm. It envelopes his own. The calluses scratch against his tender skin and it hurts but only in the best possible way. He thinks he might gasp with it, if his lungs were still capable of something so dramatic. 

"Wei Ying--"

"Shh. Hush now, Lan Zhan. Just hold me. They'll be here soon."

They stay there together, breathing in the quiet, the cold. The dripping sound keeps time for them. 

Lan Zhan laces their fingers together and traces the lines of Wei Wuxian’s veins with his other hand. It is soothing in a way that brings tears to Wei Wuxian’s eyes. So full of love. So perfectly, wonderfully, Lan Zhan. 

Strangely, it is Lan Zhan who breaks the silence. 

"If you've done this before, why not fix it? Why not live?" he asks. 

Wei Wuxian sighs. They’re fair questions, but, "It doesn't work. It all falls apart. The clans fall to each other if not to Wen Ruohan. They need--"

"A villain. So you've said."

"Ah, Lan Zhan!” He laughs and it’s wet enough that he coughs around it. “Interrupting me, so bold!" 

"I am trying to understand."

"I know. I know. There's not enough time. Which will be very funny to you later. Nothing but time. Maybe I will see you again, Lan Zhan."

"They will kill you."

He sounds almost petulant, which is… absurdly endearing. Wei Wuxian can help but smile, despite the topic. 

"Yes. Yes, and you should let them. So you can save A'Yuan.” He turns his gaze to the ceiling, too dark to pick much of anything out. A few sharp lines of stone. “Maybe, maybe you can make them all see. Make them open their eyes in the Burial Mounds. Make them see who it is they're running through."

Lan Zhan brings their joined hands to his lips. Not a kiss. But his questions ghost over skin, warm and gentle. "Why can't we show them together, Wei Ying? Why?" 

"It doesn't work. It's too late for me. You saw what I did to them. You saw the monster I've become."

The seal’s destruction didn’t only hurt him. In its panic, it ripped pain and anger and guilt from the souls of everyone gathered before the Palace of Sun and Flames. Everyone who didn’t have high enough cultivation to protect themselves from it, anyway. Cultivators from all clans dropped to the ground, dead or wounded, as the resentment tore itself from their bodies. 

And when the seal finally shattered, the shockwave of its death throes liquefied flesh and pulverized bones of those nearest to it. 

It was horrific. 

It was necessary. 

"Wei Ying--"

"I asked you to kill me once. If I was too far gone. Do you remember that?"

Rain and mud, horses and a parasol. The kind of honesty that nobody wants. 

"I do."

"Would you do it now?"

"Wei Ying?!" Lan Zhan startles, stands, dropping Wei Wuxian’s hand, like his body cannot contain his reaction, like he cannot allow the idea of it to touch his skin. 

Wei Wuxian chuckles. "I know. You're too good, Lan Zhan. You never agree to that." 

"Wei Ying, please."

There’s a whine in his voice, hidden under the admonition. 

It’s cruel, this conversation. No matter how it starts or how it ends, it is always cruel to Lan Zhan. Cruel to let him sit here with hope, crueler to make him believe there never was any. It is this conversation that shows Wei Wuxian his own monstrosity. 

A thought occurs. 

"I could make you."

Lan Zhan freezes. "Wei Ying?"

"I could make you kill me.” He can feel the ice settle into his voice. “I haven't tried that before. You would be the hero, then maybe you could stop the slaughter." 

"You are not a villain, Wei Ying!" Lan Zhan is terrified. He’s masking it with anger, but there’s a tremor in it, like the whine, a note out of alignment, out of tune. It peaks around the corner, clinging to the hope of reason, of insanity. 

It’s interesting… new. Curious. Wei Wuxian wonders where it might lead. 

"I am,” he presses. “I'm a monster, haven't you heard?” That ice, that cold curiosity frosts each syllable. “A demon.” He watches Lan Zhan shiver with it. “You would be venerated for putting me down."

It’s a good idea. It’s, at least, not a terrible one. 

He rises as much as he can, elbows jammed against the uneven stone with the weight of him. 

It would take a lot of energy, more than he has, possibly, to force Lan Zhan to kill him. And Lan Zhan, good and stubborn as he is, would probably allow himself to be killed rather than kill Wei Wuxian himself. He will have to lose himself to madness, first. Invite more resentment in. A lot more. Is there even enough nearby to--

"Please..."

Lan Zhan is on his knees before Wei Wuxian’s seat. His head is bowed, and he’s on his knees like he’s serving a punishment: back straight, hands at his sides, perfect posture. 

Wei Wuxian hadn’t even heard him move, so caught up in his thoughts. 

But he had. He had moved. And now his shoulders are shaking. It’s a fine motion, small. Less even than a shiver, less jarring than a sob, but tears -- bright, even in this lightless cave -- fall to the dirt or to the neat bloom of his silk skirts. 

“Please, Wei Ying…” 

He’s kneeling and crying and begging, and Wei Wuxian feels every bit the monster they say he is. 

Because he doesn’t let it go. 

He relents a little. Warms, lightens. 

"It would crush you to do it, I know.” 

Lan Zhan looks up at him with hope shining in the unshed tears. And Wei Wuxian is a monster because as soon as their eyes meet, that hope flickers out, and it is Wei Wuxian who is doing this to him. It is Wei Wuxian who is crushing him. 

“We could do it together,” he offers, “you and I. Draw your sword, Lan Zhan."

"No."

His fists clench and he stares Wei Wuxian down. 

"Lan Zhan, they'll kill me either way. Let me die like this: in your arms, with you by my side."

"I can't--"

"A quick slide, right through my ribs. It will be almost peaceful this way."

"No!"

The more he talks it through, the better it sounds. It is the best idea he has ever had. The best way he can die. He can choose it. He can make it easy, nice, kind. He can do this, if only Lan Zhan will let him. 

"You can hold me.” 

He watches Lan Zhan flinch, but it’s okay, he knows why. He understands. But he also knows-- He needs to make Lan Zhan understand how good this can be. How this can work for everyone. 

“They'll praise you for it.” He says it like the concession it is. “You'll hate that, but then the spoils will be yours. You can claim them. It could work, Lan Zhan."

And Lan Zhan does understand. He does, because he lowers his eyes again. His posture weakens. And he doesn’t say “no” anymore. Instead, he begs, "Wei Ying, please do not ask this of me,” and Wei Wuxian knows he’s won. 

"It's too much. I know. I know, Zhiji."

It is cold comfort to offer it now, manipulative even. But he does mean it. Lan Zhan is the one person who understands him most in the world. The answer to his very being. And Lan Zhan grasps at the word with both hands. He clutches them into Wei Wuxian’s bloody robes. 

"Zhiji. Zhiyin. Wei Ying." 

Tears are falling in earnest. Another drip-drip-drip in the cave. Syncopated. 

"You would do it if I asked you to. I know you would.” They both do. It is the reason Lan Zhan is begging him now. It is the reason that terror is so violent in his eyes. 

Wei Wuxian bites his lip. He stalls. 

Lan Zhan is kneeling. 

Lan Zhan is shaking. 

Lan Zhan is crying. 

Wei Wuxian has seen it before but not like this. Never like this. 

He speaks his thoughts aloud. “But is this something I can let myself ask of you? Is it too cruel? To make you bear this with me? To make you take some of the weight." 

"Please, don't... Please, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan begs again. But the fire has gone out of it. It is still a broken and wretched thing, but there is no longer any hope. Because he knows. He understands. This is the best way, this time. 

So when Wei Wuxian says, "Draw your sword, Lan Zhan,” Lan Zhan lets go of his robes. 

He sits back on his heels, drops his head, and with a quick motion Bichen appears in his hands. 

With Bichen there, solid and real, Lan Zhan pulls himself straight, a cultivator of proud heritage and discipline, like he cannot be anything less with steel in his grip. He is so beautiful. Hanguang-jun, standing tall, blood and dirt falling away from him as he shines brighter than the moon. 

"Wei Ying." His voice is steady, though the pain in it still rings clear. 

"Good,” says Wei Wuxian. “Good. It'll be quick. So quick.” 

He sits himself up and reaches for Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan catches his hand, helping him sit. He slides behind him, bracing against the cave wall, and pulls Wei Wuxian close against his chest. 

He’s so warm, so solid, yet soft with care and layers of silk. His breath is warm against the side of Wei Wuxian’s face, against his neck and collarbones. One hand spreads wide over Wei Wuxian’s waist. 

It is the most comfortable Wei Wuxian has ever been in this life. 

It is impossible to not lean back into Lan Zhan. To not soak up all the love and tenderness that he can feel washing over him with each shared breath, each synchronized heartbeat. 

He folds one hand over Lan Zhan’s on his waist and wraps the other around Bichen’s sheath. 

“Don't worry,” he says, trying to keep them on task, “they'll be here soon. They'll see. They'll help you. Your brother will help you.” 

When Lan Zhan swallows, Wei Wuxian’s head bobs with it. When he steels himself with a breath, Wei Wuxian’s whole body moves in time. And when he draws Bichen, they gasp in unison. 

The blade glows an icy blue in the blackness of the cave and Wei Wuxian blinks rapidly against the light. He watches, rapt, as Lan Zhan smoothly moves the point, never letting go of Wei Wuxian’s waist, until the bloody, black fabric of Wei Wuxian’s robe is splitting, fiber by fiber, just above the doubled line of their fingers. He angles the hilt down, slowly, achingly slowly, until it’s right. Until the slide will be perfect, easy, deadly. 

“Yes, right there,” says Wei Wuxian, and hears himself stutter with it. He thinks he feels steel when he takes a full breath. “It's okay, Lan Zhan. It's okay. It's okay if it's you."

"This is not--"

"I know. I know. Just hold me."

This is not what they meant when they said this in the rain. Either of them. This is not what they wanted when they came to this cave. Either of them. 

But it is good. It is right. It will work. Wei Wuxian has to believe it will work. 

"Wei Ying?"

"Yes, Lan Zhan?"

"May I say it."

"Ha. Yes, Lan Zhan. I think. I think I'd like to hear it."

"I love you, Wei Ying."

"I know. I love you, too, Lan Zhan."

"I know."

Lan Zhan sounds like he’s crying again. Wei Wuxian might be crying, too. He’s not sure if he can anymore. His cheeks are too numb for him to tell. 

"It's okay, Lan Zhan. Deep breath. That's it. It's okay. It will be okay."

There’s a sound, far away, toward the entrance of the cave, and they both startle with it. 

"What's that?" Lan Zhan asks. 

But he knows. They both know. 

"Footsteps. They're almost here.” 

Wei Wuxian’s heartbeat picks up, a sluggish attempt at anxiety. But he needs Lan Zhan to do it. To do it now before he overthinks it, before his family can stop him. 

And, anyway, it’s his turn to beg. 

“Lan Zhan, please. You can do it. Please. Lan Zh--"

A short slide. 

"Wei Ying."

Then nothing. 

--

"Wei Ying."

.

"I love you."

.

"I'm here." 

.

.

.

"Wangji?"

"Xiongzhang. He's gone."

"Oh, Wangji."

--

(And then the first thing WWX does when he sees LWJ at Mo Manor is kiss him full on the lips in front of all the baby Lan disciples.

And then the first thing he does when he gets to Cloud Recesses is get slapped by Wen Qing who he definitely didn't let run off and die for him this go around.

And maybe it's even his last time loop? Who knows!)