#fucked up relationships drive me wild and i dont understand why

[keebwee]

no one will evr understand them like i do .... nobdoy will ever write them ciorrectly .. because they should nto be together at all they hate each other and would be horrible in a relationship but something deep and twisted inside me says they must for the plot. and i simply must consume ..... but no one does it right except 1 guy ive read.

[dollar-store-mothman]

The off season ramblings under the cut :)

-I forgot this started with sam and ajs characters hunting pheasants bc it never gets brought up again

-"You have to encourage the working class" FUCKING HELL SAM ITS NOT EVEN BEEN A MINUTE YOU CANT KILL ME LIKE THAT YET

-"Here phesy phesy pheasants" wild that that's gonna become a new vocal stim

-sam bringing up the name of the longform is my favorite thing

-why are they like this (re: "Jacob sit on my knee", "was it big", and "who's a good boy")

-earl Geoffrey teaching John Jacob about mansplaining is both everything and absolutely horrid

-WHO IS THIS DIVA

-angel and Mrs daltrey's relationship is so cute :(

-I'm so glad Mrs daltrey became more understandable as the scene went on i don't think I could have listened to sam mumble for 50 minutes

-my version of Mrs daltreys mind theatres is imagining getting to see sfth live

-this fucking bit (re: spiral staircases and forgetting the key)

-the staging in this scene is so damn confusing I think I'm more lost than John jacob

-gun dinosaurs :D

-tall, strong, and handsome are exactly the words I would use to describe luke

-love when the force aj to establish the time range

-the time between being told to make a comeback and "how's the weather up there" kills me

-Mrs daltrey getting into the insult game

-im convinced Tom's wife character was a ploy to get attention

-aj this is worse logic than the lighthouse I'm so lost

-they look so good in this date scene holy shit

-Tom mentions his hair and Luke spends the entire rest of the scene fixing it

-the wet jokes are making me feel like an appalled Victorian woman clutching her pearls

-he's just a bakers son from fife :(

-EARL GEOFFERY DONT DO IT

-I didn't register the first time around, but angel probably spends the whole escape scene splattered in blood

-AJ HAS AQUIRED A RAILING AND EARL JEFFERY HAS AQUIRED A GUN :O

-woo sam cabbie

-"it's so tall. Reminds me of someone" is that rizz???

-John Jacob is bleeding out and they're doing the one bed trope what the hell

-sam was really winding up for that "i forgot the key" wasn't he

-more gun dinos :D

-aj has also aquired the god mic

-"a McDonald's happy meal" BOOOOO TOMATO TOMATO TOMATO WORST THING YOUVE EVER SAID

-whoo that was one of the more lustful (for lack of better term) kisses they've had

-SCARLETT JOHANSSON WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?????

-what is this gun dino bit???? (/pos)

-Ok ms johansson get your bag (aka all of suffolk)

-Tom's refusal to name his character

-what the fuck (re: :pq: )

-she knows???

-angel the woman that you are, driving the plot twist of the century

-Mrs daltrey chooses good :D

-angel still cared about her father, even after everything :( she was so sad when he died and had to be convinced it was a good thing

-Mrs daltrey is so speedy quick

In all, my thoughts on this one are holy fuck. Very, very well done, and congrats to the boys on 50 longforms

[equallyshaw]

secret love song | luke hughes

warnings: swearing, no happy ending my loves🙈

word count: 2.9k +

also her brother is a professional athlete, no specifics!

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

We keep behind closed doors Every time I see you I die a little more Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls It'll never be enough

◦

sadie murphy and luke hughes met right after the new jersey devils lost in the second round of the playoffs. they absolutely adored one another from the gecko. they were able to be together, without anyone knowing. secret glanes and secret touches in public, in and around their friend groups. nobody batted an eye. sadie and luke wanted to keep it quiet just because of who her brother was and who luke was, a budding athlete and the two did not want that extra pressure or people following their every move. yet, they wanted nothing more than to be public.

every time they are around one another in public, the universe makes it quite difficult for them to not stare at one another, or grab each others hands behind everybody else. it was killing sadie beyond belief as soon as month two of the season rolled around. luke couldn't or wouldn't take the time to truly understand why she wanted things to be a secret.

"luke you dont get it! my brother will kill me. he specifically told me no athletes and here we are! i know i cant possibly have you promise or make you keep us quiet. because believe me, i want to tell them i wanna tell the world and be seen with you and wear your jersey at games, but i-i i just cant." she said one night, as they were sharing a quiet date in her apartment in manhattan. he shook his head from the dinner table as she was busying herself with dinner. "do you not want to be seen with me sadie? is that the real reason you don't want to go public or tell your fucking family?" he asked now irritated, and she dropped the salad mixers. she looked up from him as he walked over towards the brunette. she shook her head, "the fact that you're asking that is wild!" she said now turning towards him fully, "are you nuts? its killing me not to be able to, but i don't want the world tearing us apart because believe me they will!" she screamed now. he threw his hands up in the air, in disbelief. "well it seems like were gonna keep going in circles so im leaving." he said beginning to walk towards the apartment door. she growled, "stop!" she said hoping he'd stop. "don't leave, we have to finish this conversation!" she said now walking towards him. "why would we? you've made everything perfectly clear for me, sadie." he said opening the door and stopping briefly to look back at the girl. "stop..let me at least drive you home." she said sighing. luke nodded, and waited at the door for her to grab her purse and keys. he let her walk out, and then he shut the door behind them.

◦

As you drive me to my house I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down You and I will have to hide On the outside Where I can't be yours and you can't be mine

◦

sadie and luke drove towards luke's and jack's apartment right over the border in hoboken. billie eillish was playing softly in the background as the two sat in silent. luke was doing everything he could to not cry at that very moment. he wanted to keep his emotions in check, but every minute they drove closer and closer and every moment they drove in silence, was killing him. just like her, it'd been killing him inside too. he wanted to how her off to the world, and celebrate all the things that make her her and what she'd been doing since graduating, in public. he was head over heels in love with this girl. yet, he feared that they'd never be each others for the long haul. she pulled up to the curb, and parked her car. the two contniued to sit in silence, not wanting to say anything that would conclude their relationship.

"i love you." luke blurted, and sadie could feel her heart swell. she loved him too, the past 6 months almost cemented that. she turned towards luke with tears in her eyes, and smiled. luke felt the breath he'd been holding in, exit his body. "i love you too, lukey." she said smiling and then pulled him in boldly to kiss him. luke's hand found the base of her neck, her brunette hair felt like silk in his hand. the other found her hand that connected to his instantly. they pulled apart resting their foreheads against one another. "soon, lukey. soon." she hummed before pecking him quickly. he looked at her with a slight slant to his head, "really?" he whispered and she nodded. "yes." she whispered back, and he now pecked her. "ill call you when i get back home." she said unclasping their hands and he nodded, getting out.

◦

But I know this, we got a love that is hopeless

◦

despite the two confessing, sadie had a deep fear that swelled in her stomach. if she told her brother and he told his brothers, things would change. things would change so much, they'd have no choice but to break up. god, how she hated how that boy made her feel that was certain.

◦

Why can't I hold you in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that Why can't it be like that?

◦

sadie did not know what to do, as soon as she showed up to the bar. she walked in with a few girlfriends and they made their way to the group of hockey players. and as soon as she turned to go find luke- she saw him. he was talking to a girl at the bar, and stood awfully close to her. they were laughing, smiling, and talking very close to one another. sadie felt a distaste in her mouth, and quickly looked away. "lukey finally got a date?" maya her close friend questioned his brother, and jack nodded. "finally, I've been trying to get them together for a while now but he's been so fuckin stubborn!" jack explained, pushing a shot into each girls hands. sadie threw it back gracefully, before going off to the bar to get another and a drink to begin the night. luke did not notcie the girl slide over, as he was engrossed in a conversation with the blonde. she was nice, he'd give her that. yet, she was not sadie. nobody would ever be sadie.

later on in the evening, sadie was about 4 drinks deep by the time the musical performance was beginning. luke and the girl were still at the bar conversing and sadie had seen him lean in a few times, but she'd look away before she could see anything else. jack wrapped an arm around sadie, cheering with the rest of the crowd as the guest came out. "hows sadie burrows doing tonight?" he questioned, looking down at her. she shrugged sipping more of her drink. "you seem down. anything happen today?" he questioned, leaning a bit closer so she did not have to speak very loudly. she blew some air, frustratedly. as luke and the blonde were coming to join the group, he saw how close jack was to sadie. he knew sadie obviously didnt have any feelings for his brother and never had, but couldn't get rid of the feeling she did in that moment. she laughed at whatever jack had said, throwing her head back and saw a glint of spark in jacks eyes.

he turned his attention back towards the blonde, trying to ignore the giggles that sadie put on display. the group took in the musical guest, for the next two hours. sadie made many glances towards luke and her heart broke, when she saw the two of them swaying. luke had his arms wrapped around the girl from behind and they swayed to the music. sadie felt tears pool her eyes, and the feeling that she needed to get out of there. she set her drink back down in front of her, and quickly moved out of jack's arm that was still around her shoulder. she made her way outside of the bar, and breathed in the cold november air that hit her like a ton of bricks.

she sat down against the brick wall and cried in her knees, shakingly pulling out her phone to call her brother. she sniffled, shutting it. she would wait to call him, and she sara nora her other friend walk out. "want me to drive you home?" and sadie nodded. she pulled her friend up and the two walked back to her car, since she was the DD. "wanna tell me about it?" nora treaded lightly, as she pulled onto the street. "is it about luke?" nora asked and sadie quickly whipped her head towards her friend. nora giggled, "yeah i had a feeling for awhile now. you two are not always so suttle." she hummed and sadie sighed. "im sorry love, what luke was doing was a dick move." she said grabbing her friends hand and pulling it tightly. sadies phone buzzed with a ccouple texts from luke. she put her phone on silent as they were now just pulling up to her building. "let me know if you need anything, sades." and sadie nodded. "thanks." she said before stepping out. she made her way upstairs quickly, and as soon as she entered her apartment she was already clicking mike's contact. and as soon as he picked up, she broke down.

"sadie?" he questioned now fully alert. his heart broke watching her cry, and he waited respectfully for her to talk. and once she did, he was angry. he was angry, disheartened, frustrated and all he wanted to do was hug his little sister. the two spoke for another hour and she had made he way to her couch at that point. she was sitting up as soon as she heard a knock on her door. her eyebrows crinkled, and mike watched as she looked over towards the door. "uh, one sec. somebody's here." she said setting the phone down and making her way towards the door.

◦

It's obvious you're meant for me Every piece of you it just fits perfectly Every second, every thought I'm in so deep But I'll never show it on my face

But we know this We got a love that is hopeless

◦

she opened the door to luke, and quickly shut it before his reflexes could react. "ill call you back mike....luke's here." she said grabbing her phone. "no, don't talk to him." and she paused glaring at him, "let me." he said and she shook her head. "i have too...i have to end things mikey. " she said softly and mike relaxed just a bit nodding. "okay, call me once he leaves." and then she hung up. she opened the door to luke waiting, and she let him step in. "let me explain." he said turning around quickly. sadie shook her head, "you atleast owe me that sadie." and she sighed walking into the living room with him following. "jack was the one that forced us together, i had no intention of talking to her but he -" and she cut him off. "forced? are you 5 luke? you can make your own decisions." she huffed, crossing her arms. "i didnt want to talk to her i swear! i did it so it wouldnt strange. besides, you cant get upset with me when you are the one that doesnt want to be seen in public." he spat and she bit her lip. "its been a month since we said i love you's, and ive barely seen you and - and, you havent made any move to make us go public. and i dont think i can do it anymoe, sadie! i dont think i can and i dont think i want to wait anymore." he said out loud, finally saying what he'd been wanting to say for some time now. she met his eye and she saw his frustration and a look of emptyness.

"wait what?" she questioned, wanting him to repeat what she thinks he said. "i know that we are meant for one another. i know with every fiber and being in my body that we are meant for one another. when i think of my future, i see you in all of it. it kills me to not be with you every second of the day, it kills me to not be seen with you, dancing with you in public, tonight- tonight it could have been you and i sadie. don't you realize that? do you not realize how deep i am? how fucking in love i am with you?" he said desperately. "or did you not realize that when you were with my brother tonight?" he asked, a low fucking blow. "fuck you luke! you know ive never seen him that way. he was being a friend, more than you were tonight!" she screamed and he shook his head, "what did he say to make you laugh? what did he say to make you laugh that deeply?" he questioned and she rolled her eyes. "are you jealous?" she questioned and he laughed, "i could ask the same thing sadie." he said chuckling just a bit. "he made a dumb joke...about penguins becuase he could see how down i was. nothing else, nothing more." she said and he didn't buy it. "why was he all over you tonight?" and she now chuckled. "you read too much into it luke, you sound dumb right now." she put her hands in her face, and thought about what he said.

" im just playing with time right? you were never going to make things official with me, right? was it-" he paused hating himself for what he was going to say, "was it all a game to you?" he asked in disbelief. "what?" she said barely above a whisper. "how could you ask me that? after everything?" she questioned, pulling her hands from her face. "because you keep going round and round in circles, stringing me along! giving me false hope every fucking time we see one another. do you know how exhausting that gets huh? do you not understand how much it hurts me every time, i leave and nothing has changed?!" he said with tears streaming down his face. oh, how that killed the girl. "we have to recognize at some point before its too late...that this...whatever this thing between us isn't going to work out. that im not gonna get the future i envision with you, sadie." he said and she felt herself crying now.

"i want to luke...i really want to." she said softly, "you know my anxiety, my habit of isolation and panic. you knew this going into this!" she threw back and he rolled his eyes. "dont use that an excuse, sadie. youre better than that!" he said turning around, his hands resting on his waist. "lets just call it what it is. you dont love me..enough to be official. and im not gonna stick around when i already know the ending." he said turning back around to face her. she shook her head, letting a sob out. she had nothing left to say, she knew that whatever she said wouldn't be enough. nothing could buy her more time, and they both knew it. luke walked towards the girl, pulling her in. he kissed her head, rubbing her back softly. "im sorry for all of this luke, i really am." she said crying now. he nodded kissing her head once more. "i know sadie i know." he said pulling back just a bit so he could look at her. he wiped away her tears, and pulled her in for one last kiss.

they parted, and he pulled out his car keys which had two extra keys on it. his apartment key and her's, and he slipped the latter off of it. she took it from him and just watched as he walked out of her life. as soon as luke exited the apartment complex, and hopped back in jacks car, where jack had been waiting patiently. jack took one look at his young brother and saw the pained look he was sporting, "its over." was all luke said before breaking down. jack placed his hand on his brother's back for comfort. as soon as nora and sadie left the bar, so did jack and luke. luke told jack everything, and jack hated himself for pushing luke and the girl together that evening. though luke reminded him that he didn't know, so he shouldn't feel bad.

◦

the two didn't see one another for quite some time after that. it wasn't until new years even in the city when their extended friend group got together for a party. the both of them walking in with somebody on their arm. luke with the girl from that evening, and sadie with a friend from back home, that had only recently turned into something more. as soon as sadie entered the penthouse, luke quickly took notice of the girl and sent a smile towards her. she smiled back, before her boyfriend whisked her away towards the drinks.

them both knowing deep down, that they'd run back to one another if the opportunity arose.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

hope you guys enjoyed! pls like and reblog if you did (:

[mothmans-wedding-photographer]

Mothman's Buffy rewatch: Season 3, episodes 3 and 4, "Beauty and the Beasts" and "Homecoming"

Beauty and the Beasts

Lmao is she reading to Oz

Xander's turn!!

I do not understand the Monty reference

Xander don't fall asleep on the job (this reminds me of Mike from getting FNAF movie)

I love when the intro spoils part of the episode (I just saw Xander getting attacked by werewolf Oz)

Yo Scott!!

Damn did Oz kill a man

Angry Giles

Poor Oz :( it must feel awful

Who is this guidance counselor man

"You can fight demons" I think she knows that

Oz is so straightforward I love him

What the fuck wild animal Angel

My dad called him Angle

Is the theme of this episode feral boyfriends

Ouchie Faith's fist probably hurts

Ok a hell torture dimension is a bit much even for someone who doesn't like Angel

Aw Scott is kind of sweet. I don't think he's interesting enough to date Buffy long term but he's fine

IM SORRY ITS SO SILLY WATCHING THIS GROWN ASS MAN ACTING LIKE AN ANIMAL

Buffy pouring his heart out to a corpse. Rough 😭

Is the boyfriend on magic drugs?

Ah what the hell what's his face doing

Oh shit I feel so bad for Debbie she's in an abusive relationship and she can't leave

Allegory for boyfriends who get violent when drunk huh

"You know you shouldn't make me mad" walk into traffic

Oh now she has to comfort HIM. Kill this man with hammers ❗️❗️🗣🗣

Oz is clear yippee

Omg jazz band mentioned!!! (I used to do jazz band)

Oz should rip him apart fr

"He does love me" :(

His werewolf form reminds me more of a monkey

Got Giles in the behind

I hope this man dies horribly (I don't remember his name)

Did Debbie die? If she did ill cry she didn't deserve that abuse only to not be freed

WILLOW GRABBED HIM BY HIS PATHETIC LITTLE TAIL IM CRYING

Got all the monster boyfriends fighting each other lmao

Angel's back yippee(?)

Cordelia believing the birth control story I'm crying

Buffy poet???

I googled it Debbie did die :(

Homecoming

I like Buffy's hair

Oh she gave Angel a shirt! He's still not buttoning it up but progress

"They wouldn't understand that you're better" why not? Why wouldn't they that's not a wild thing to believe, Buffy already told them that Angelus was back to Angel before he got stabbed 😭😭

Angel whipping his head around when he finds out she's dating someone

SCOTT BROKE UP

Who are these people watching Buffy

Is this the Slayerfest episode?

This guy is obsessed with cleanliness but he is also very threatening. I do not care for this representation

I love the picture montages it really shows off their personalities

Xander is definitely giving lesbian fetishier with that comment. That being said, Fuffy is a good ship

Simply take each other to the dance Buffy and Faith

Ouch her favourite teacher doesn't recognize her

Awaken the prom queen within ❗️❗️

Silly yellow guy with spikes like a stegosaurus

I thought the cowboy vampires died is this a new one

WILLOWS DRESS IS SO PRETTY

I thought Willow and Xander were going to kiss for a sec please don't do that

NOOO THEY DID KISS FUCK

Willow you're better than this (Xander you're not)

Buffy gets abandoned

What the hell did he get pull out of his arms

"I'm a rabid dog who should be shot" 😭

Buffy guilt tripping Willow I'm crying

Dad says there was a deep cut star trek reference in this episode but I don't get it

Cordelia what the fuck "I have two parents, unlike some people"

DONT FUCKING KISS AGAIN IM KILLING YOU WITH HAMMERS

They put Buffy and Cordelia in time out

The car driver putting in earbuds. Unsafe driving he's gonna crash

Ouch singing the song he wrote for Willow right after she cheated on him

She threw the fucking bear trap at him I'm gonna cry

Oh my gosh Faith fucking over Scott to get revenge for Buffy I love her

Willow I love you but I cannot defend the cheating you need to fess up to Oz

"He grows on you like a chia pet"

Buffy opening her heart I hope she gets prom queen. It makes sense she'd feel that way since she's likely to die young

"Cordelia, the spatula"

Rip that yellow bastard

I was wondering how those two vampires got invited in and then I remembered it's a public school

THEY KILLED HIS WIFE IN FRONT OF HIM SJDBDJ

Cordelia bullying the vampire I'm crying

Why did they let him live

They got trackered rip bozo

Trick guy gets hired by the mayor

Oh it's both of them

NEVERMIND ITS TWO RANDOMS I'M CRYING

[hollywoodsargeant]

chapter 11 thoughts (amazing chapter as always) and damn is it a chapter (and my thoughts are long so as always sorry if it’s a pain to read)

first of all i love how even oscar’s coworker thinks that him and logan are in a relationship. ‘he’s just touchy’ i mean sure touchy is definitely when you have sex with your friend, make out with your friend and whatnot, that’s just him being ‘touchy’ obviously. if a coworker is saying that youre and you still arent convinced idk how oblivious you can be

and logan saying that the best parts of him are oscar, i mean yeah youve kissed youve fucked and youre both inseparable so that makes sense i guess but i love though that kyle is all so confused about this everytime logan is like ‘you know what i mean’ bc no logan i dont think kyle has a life long friend that hes done more than friend things with before

speaking of more than friend things, i still dont know how they can call themselves just friends when they’ve now both fingered each other and one has eaten the other out (first thing i thought of when i saw that scene was a similar scene in shark bait). i know i keep saying this but every chapter i always think ‘wtf do you mean that you’re just friends???’ and logan saying that he likes oscar whilst he’s naked is not helping my point

also i get logan’s entire college thing, moving away from everyone is so weird and especially when you know your best friend is going to be moving away from you. i wonder what will happen between the 2 of them and whats gonna happen after they go to college (unless somehow they magically cross paths in the same college or whatever)

anyways we need more of drunk logan thoughts bc i think it’s really interesting to see how he as a character thinks about things (just without a filter stopping him anymore) like just full on saying he cant get hard when he thinks about fucking oscar, no filter stopping him. i like hearing these thoughts just bc they’re so unfiltered

and kyle again… poor kyle i swear if i were him i would be scheming with callum to get logan and oscar together bc the man must have at least heard logan talk about oscar as if he’s his partner (no sorry i meant ‘friend’ obviously) like a million times

maybe kyle’s teasing might actually work idk (does it? perhaps it does, only you can tell us haha), and with that, that’s the end of my thoughts, sorry for it being so long and again thankyou for another great chapter!

HELLO. THANK YOU FOR YOUR THOUGHTS <3 never a pain to read i love and appreciate your thoughts very much me taking like 4 days to answer this ask is no reflection of my appreciation i just suck and am busy. Anyways

justice for oscar’s coworker tbh. she has been forced to witness their antics and then also put up with oscar’s insistence that they are Just Friends. at least she’s getting paid to be there…

logan literally does not know what he would do without oscar. i mean oscar doesn’t know what he would do without logan either but he isn’t really talking about it… but like. idk. just in life stuff like that is pretty wild to think about. like who would i be without this person in my life. logan thinks he would be Much Worse without oscar and does not understand why kyle doesn’t just Get exactly what he means like hello. logan. pretty sure You are kyle’s best friend and he is not gay for you. but i digress

THEY’RE JUST STUPID. aware of the fact that they do things “normal” friends don’t do but not aware of the fact that they’re just not friends. “it’s different with him” yeah because you are IN LOVE? whatever. my bad i did write it like that!

college will be fun. hehe. they’ll be fine… going to different colleges for the plot but it will be a spectacular time. they can keep arguing about who will drive to visit who until the end of the world probably. AND THEY WILL VISIT EACH OTHER! and i’m scheming.

DRUNK LOGAN WAS SO FUN TO WRITE. something something the first person he thought to call when he needed help was oscar. something something his angel. something something oscar being stupidly nice to him and why the fuck are you untying his shoes for him buddy stand up. Anyways. i agree more drunk logan i love him

i will disclose that kyle is a catalyst in thee ending of all time. i have it all planned out in my brain and not written down but shoutout kyle. he’s evil and i am evil and logan is fucking stupid

[wickedpact]

You can't just drop that "I read Forces Multiplied" bomb on us and not give a ten page written reaction.

[cracks knuckles] if u insist

nicky cant drive hc: destroyed. rip. also i loved how andy and nile stole those sports cars and were being badass and driving off the bridge & meanwhile joe and nicky were just absolutely vibing in the van

'heres the thing about power: people who have it think they deserve it' [shot of police car] i see u greg

5 whole panels being dedicated to booker not being able to unlock his door. booker not even seeing noriko sitting RIGHT THERE in the window at first. incredible

noriko being 24/7 horny was surprising. like wow all of the stuff i saw she did out of context was 100% equally horny in context as it was out of context. love that for her

i didnt think the 'andy + slavery' thing was handled as badly as everyone made it out to be when telling me about it. tho from the way it was talked about i had kind of figured the conflict between andy and nile re: slavery would be really racially charged (esp considering nile is a black american and would obvs have Thoughts on the subject in that regard) but like,, done in a cringey 'a-white-guy-obviously-wrote-it' kind of way? but it wasnt that. i mean. it makes sense that andy would be implicit in slavery through the years

i mean, like she says, is that not what people just did to each other in the aftermath of battles for thousands of years? and i really like how its pointed out that it was what she was raised with (in the beginning when you see her put shackles on that guy after the battle) but she also accepts responsibility for it and acknowledges that it was wrong and not just 'what people did'.

i like how from her expressions you can kind of tell baby andy knew it was off but she sets those feelings aside bc she felt angry. it explains how she felt but didnt make her out to be blameless in it. plus i mean. i dont know, the fact that andy was involved in a lot of morally shady stuff for 7000 years is not that wild for me. if you live that long youre just Going to be involved in some shit, and she didnt even have other immortals with her as positive community influences, she literally just did whatever the fuck she wanted for thousands of years

'i was worshipped as a god once' i mean, yeah no shit she wouldve been involved in some seriously fucked up stuff, gods were fucking scary back in the day

tldr it could use some polish but it wasnt that bad

tho everything people said about moose being boring was unfortunately a little true. sorry king i tried to be interested in you

joe and nicky writing verbal fanfiction about nile and moose was iconic. 'you seeing that?' 'i am definitely seeing that'

it was also extremely funny bc that was like 60% of their contribution to the whole comic, besides kidnapping copley. they came, they wrote some fanfic, they left. kings. at least in tog1 they had an excuse to be useless bc they got kidnapped

joe just found out his old friend who he thought was dead is alive (and also probably wants to murder them) and instead of investigating with andy he stopped to help nile up. champ.

nicky shooting noriko through andy was cool. rip to the concept since it wont happen in tog2

wanna see mr ejiofor deliver this line

on that note imo copley was. weirdly enough, more interesting in fm than in tog1. to me at least. the fact that andy let him live and he was so haunted by what had happened that he came back and sought them out despite knowing they would likely kill him for it bc he wanted to not only make up for what hed done but also to tell them what theyd done for the world was admittedly more interesting than andy just kind of drafting him to the cause and him going 'okie'

i like how nicky was drawn in this one. in opening fire he looks like a blob man but in fm he looks more like a very nice grampa with a very good dye job

'theres no pain like a broken heart' andy 🥺

noriko implying andy's never drowned. .. .idk about that one, she musta drowned sometime

joe and nicky came, they waxed poetic about nile's love life, they waxed poetic about grog, and then they left.

sports bras being a reason humanity is good. i mean..... okay, yeah.

i mean. wild but you cant exactly tell her shes wrong

i liked how noriko telling andy that their purpose is to make people suffer coincides with joe and nicky finding out that they actually did good all those years

joenicky in opening fire: jail for booker jail for booker for 100 years

joenicky when copley tells them he knows where booker is: WE'LL KILL YOU WHERE IS HE

joenicky when copley comes back: if your vibes come off as even remotely rancid we Will destroy you

joenicky 2 minutes later when copley helped them find booker: he made up some ground :)))) <3 lov you j cops

theyre forgiving af

moose: how old are you?? a hundred??? a thousand???

nile [vine voice]: I M 2 7 ?

alright andy you got me there

joe texts like my aunt

i dont know why noriko drowning andy in that car tickled me. Bad And Naughty Andromaches Get Put In The Pear Wiggler To Atone For Their Crimes.

the drowning sequence was cool

copley trying to talk to andy while she was like o_o at him was great

ive hit the picture limit but id seen that panel where nicky goes 'forgive me' as he kills a guy out of context and it was HILARIOUSLY anticlimactic for me to discover that there was literally no context to it. nicky just apologizes to random people he kills. i thought that guy was someone he knew or something. nope its just Some Guy that nicky didnt know from adam

nile's complaint that andy was especially brutal to the guys on the boat... i mean. . , how exactly does one kill a man with an axe and not be brutal about it?

it was funny how noriko kissed andy and the only people who seemed surprised by that were nile and also andy

nicky and joe's complete non-reaction to finding out noriko is alive And Evil Now is endlesly funny. they just left her on that boat and neither cared. i get book and nile not caring but joe and nicky knew her, and they just have 0 input on the subject of what to do with her

pinstripe suit guy!

joe and nicky and booker packing up and leaving with nile

andy blowing up at nile was A Moment tho

i dont know, i get why people didnt like the ending but its. .. . it makes more sense in the comicverse. bc the squad doesnt really. .. interact outside of jobs? i mean, think of the moon landing story in ttt. that was booker and joe and nicky doing a job and andy only showed up a for a couple minutes after it was done. or the brunch in the first issue of opening fire. the squad arent as tight in the comic, and andy often seems to do her own thing outside of work, so andy saying 'i dont want to do work anymore' and the squad being like 'alright bye then' makes more sense in this universe than the movie one

also i feel like greg was Trying to set up a thing where nile becomes the Leader of The Squad after andy dies but like. its not very well done since. . . i mean, nile hasnt spoken to booker since opening fire, (and she only knew him A Day). and shes known joe and nicky all that time, but there isnt really anything that indicates that they have any relationship at all, much less one that's grown. in all the comicverse the only time nile and nicky speak is in FM, and in that scene nicky tells nile about noriko. nile goes from someone who needs to be set aside to have background knowledge explained to her to being the Leader of the group with nothing in between. it kind of... comes out of nowhere.

on the other hand tho... i felt really bad for andy thru the whole thing. well, i always felt bad for andy, but in this one she seemed so miserable, especially since it really felt like none of the others actually.... cared about her. when noriko came back no one asked andy how she was doing (big question ik, but it wouldve showed they cared at least), nobody ever expressed any concern for her, no one even really seemed to want to be around her. in opening fire everyone was more distant than in the movie of course, but there were little moments where she would joke with joe, or nicky would try and comfort her, or stuff like that, but in FM it really felt like they just didnt really care about her. & in opening fire it felt a lot like andy's relationship with nile breathed some new life into her, but in FM it felt like all they did was argue. i get theyre not *as* close in the comics but it really felt like the only person who cared about andy at all was noriko (which was probably also how andy felt) but it just seemed to come out of nowhere. honestly i was reading and i was honestly agreeing with andy that she might just be better off if she did just die. opening fire, on the other hand, never make me feel that way

tho everyone made it sound like when the squad split up it was one of those cursed 'the found family leaves each other at the end of the journey' tropes. but guys i mean,,, this is the second installment out of three. that isnt the End. theyll come back in the third one and Dramatically Reunite to fight some baddies (probably those 'others' noriko mentioned). im guessing yitzhak fits into that too somehow.

anyways it wasnt That Bad but it made me kind of sad and the only Sweet Found Family vibes in it were when they saved booker. also they shouldve beefed up that nilemoose romance, it underwhelmed me. 6.5/10

i also ABSOLUTELY understand all of greg's comments about how you couldnt make FM directly into a movie, he always said that it had no plot and. i get it now. it really didnt have a plot sdfghjkl

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[alreadyblondenow]

Too young, too soon

Mark Lee x reader // FLUFF, SMUT, ANGST  Summary: Telling your parents that you’re pregnant is never easy. But having someone beside you while you feel like your world is suddenly crashing down is a different kind of blessing that you don’t deserve. Mark was there holding your hand the whole time when you told your family about being pregnant. And he was right, your parent loves you.  Word Count: 6k Warnings: Sex, Someone will die, Mentions of other idols, depression, pregnancy, unprotected sex, cursing, drunk driving, lots of mentions of alcohol Note: DONT drink and drive please! And also use protection whatever happens

Cold Tea Bar, Kensington Canada September 2018

Jammed pack night full of students who wants to celebrate for the weekend. Mark Lee is the cutest bartender on duty tonight, well at least in your eyes. You saw him working with two other guys at the bar, Haechan and Jeno. And together they keep the people happy and loud with all the good drinks and with their charms.

The fact that there are seriously a lot of people in this small bar, you’re having a hard time getting Jeno’s attention to get some drinks. Jeno is your best friend’s boyfriend and Jeno always makes the drinks for your friends, that way you can get drinks much easier. But not tonight you guess you just have to wait patiently for Jeno instead.

Even though Mark was busy making drinks, serving and talking to people he still has time to flirt. He’s good at multitasking and talking to people was never a problem for him because its part of his job. “Hyuck, do you see that girl waiting at the corner” Mark was eyeing you and you saw Haechan glance at you. “Yeah, one of Jeno’s friends” Hyuck answered while getting two glasses at the rack. “Yo Jeno, your girl’s best friend is waiting there” Hyuck shouted, unfortunately Jeno is still busy with other customers and told the other two guys to take make you drinks.  “I think I’ll cover for you, she’s cute” Hyuck and Jeno nod their heads in disbelief.

The bar is still busy and so are the bartenders you see. There are three of them but none of them are taking orders at your side of the bar, together with other people patiently waiting. Of course you have no idea but Mark has something up his sleeves. You didn’t notice him slowly coming at the your side while serving tons of drinks. And by the time Mark is serving drinks in front of you already, you were speechless. How can someone looked so good while working under pressure with all these demanding teenagers?

“Y/n right?” his voice brought you back to reality. You were stuttering the whole time while telling him the drinks you need. “I need, uhm -“ you saw him mix something and serve the person beside you. His hands were busy but you know you got his attention, “4 tequila sunrise, and 1 vodka sprite” he smiled at you and nod. He grabs 5 glasses at the rack and made the drinks in front of you.

You noticed he’s pretty calm but quick with his moves, “the vodka sprite is for Jeno’s girlfriend. She will throw a fit if the mix is not right, thats why Jeno always makes her drinks” still stuttering with your words, you made sure you sound polite.

He let out a cute laugh, finishing the drinks but somehow you want him to move a bit slower so you could talk to him more. “I’ll tell you a secret, Jeno learned that mix from me” he told you with a slight smirk. Well that’s a relief you thought, the last thing you want is for your best friend and Jeno to fight.

“Out of these five drinks, which one is yours?” he asked with a smile, trying his best to talk loud, just enough for you to hear him.

“Uh- one of the tequila sunrise”  

He gets a tray and put all 4 drinks leaving your drink behind. “Give these to your friends, and enjoy your drink with me so we could talk more” that bold move made you smile from ear to ear. You do as you’re told and surprisingly he did talked to you the whole night while he was working. Haechan and Jeno teased him around because he was never like this with other customers at the bar. Just by talking to him while he’s working you already found out a lot of things about him. Born and raised in Canada but his parents lives in South Korea, you found out that you go to the same school, same year but different programs.

The night went on and on, laughing and talking to Mark as if you both knew each other for so long. You can’t help but notice that he was trying not to get you drunk so he could talk to you more and you were thankful for that. When its your time to go home with your friends, Mark really wanted to take you home instead but he figured it would be too much if he lets you wait for his shift to finish. “I’ll get your number from Jeno” he was making sure that this is not a one night fling. You smiled and nod leaving him to work.

On the next day, you woke up with a good morning text from Mark. A sweet and simple gesture that made you scream on your pillows.

‘Good morning y/n. I was hoping if we could continue spending time with each other? Its a Saturday and I don’t have bartender duties, I hope you’re free today.’

‘Oh by the way, this is Mark :)’

You read his message ten times already and you can’t believe you’re going out with the cutest bartender in Kensington today. To be completely honest you don’t know what to say to him everything he does makes you speechless. You were deleting and typing again and again, careful not to overdo things.

‘I hope your shift ended nicely and you got good rest. I’m free after lunch, we can meet somewhere if you want. Do you have something in mind?’

It was a beautiful day when you went out at the balcony, seeing your dad take care of his beloved plants. It is indeed a nice day to see Mark Lee again. In a mater of minutes, you received a text from Mark again. And it made you even more happier that he has actual plans on how to spend a beautiful day with each others company.

The day went on, and he looked more handsome under the sunlight and not the neon lights at the bar. He is comfortable to be with, awkward sometimes but he can save the situation and turn it into something interesting. You like how he gets so talkative and confident around you already, it makes you at ease. Even though he treated you with respect, everything feels too good to be true you can’t help but still doubt.

“Mark I didn’t mean to sound rude but, why me? I mean you serve drinks to girls prettier than me every week, talk to the hottest girls and you’re pretty handsome yourself and I’m this normal girl that’s nice enough to get drinks for her friends at the bar,and it just so happens that I caught your attention”

He chuckled and grabs your hand, “It’s a matter of choice y/n. You have everything and more, and I can prove that choosing you is a wise decision. It just so happens that this cute bartender only laid eyes on you” he kissed you on the cheek and told you go inside your house already. Like normal first dates, you never wanted the day to end. Just like how you never wanted to stop talking to him that night at the bar.

You wanted him to never forget this night so you bravely ran into him and kissed him on the lips for a hot minute. Making sure to leave enough heat on his body to keep him warm when he leaves. “I’m planning to have our first kiss on our third date actually” his voice is shaking, definitely startled. “I’m just proving you chose the right girl” you bit your lower lip, hoping you didn’t sound so cocky. To your surprise he kissed you again and again and again, enough to understand that hes yours starting tonight.

Being with Mark Lee is like a crazy roller coaster ride. Months have already passed since that fateful night and everyday since then is beautiful and full of love. Some days were slow, when you’re just watching him play and sing with his guitar while you study or do school stuff. Whenever he’s tired from work he will sweetly ask if you could stay with him so he could just lay on your chest and hug you while he enjoys playing with his hair until he sleeps. By the time you knew about Mark’s love for watermelon, sometimes you ate countless of watermelon in a day while talking about random stuff and loving each others company.

And some days were wild, when he fucks you senseless and go on for as many rounds as you want. Making out during his breaks at the bar for everyone to see that you belong to each other because to be honest you’re so sick of those girls who flirt with him. He sometimes get into fights at the bar whenever guys hit on you right in front of his eyes. He gets drunk after that so you wait for his shift to end, take him home and have make up sex and sleep at his apartment.

Even your parents thought Mark is a gem that you found in the middle of the bar, and both you and your parents think that Mark is different from the other guys you’ve been with. Juggling his studies, the relationship and his work was never a problem. He always finds time to spend with you because he is deeply and madly in love with you.

One crazy night, you were having so much fun with your friends and Mark has heart eyes on you the whole night. As usual the bar is packed and their favorite bartenders are serving drinks: Mark, Haechan and Jeno.

“Dude, you’re breaking my heart. You only have eyes on y/n now. You don’t love me anymore” Haechan whines while mixing drinks, making Mark laugh keeping himself busy again to avoid checking you out. Jeno on the other hand, spared a glance at your best friend when he saw someone familiar standing in front of you and his girl. Someone he will never forget because he was present at that time. He slowly made his way near Mark and told him maybe you’re in trouble because your ex showed up.

“Dude I’m telling you, that guy is trouble. He never treated y/n with respect. I was there when he mistreated y/n during my girlfriend’s party” but Mark Lee received his final warning from the manager, one more bar fight and his out.  

You knew that Mark is already aware of Jaehyun’s presence. You knew because you can feel Mark’s gaze from across the room. Of course you’re not insensitive, you quickly made your way to the bar so Mark can be at ease. He made his way to you, and kissed you before he serves drinks again making you your favorite tequila sunrise. Jaehyun came in out of nowhere and tickled your waist in front of Mark, Jeno was quick to hold his arm.

“Why did you went away?” Jaehyun is talking to you closely, you could smell his familiar musk making you uncomfortable. You bravely pushed him away something you wanted to do back when you were still dating, “Really? In front of my boyfriend Jaehyun? Get out of my face!” you figured if Mark cant start a fight because he’s on his final warning, you surely can and you’re not scared to be thrown out of the bar. Lucas is a nice bouncer, he wouldn’t dare throwing his friend’s girlfriend alone in the middle of the night.

Mark gave Jaehyun a shot of tequila and gestures him to go, pointing at the exit. Of course that hurt Jaehyun’s pride, “This bartender over me?” you wanted to punch Jaehyun so bad but you knew better. “Yes! A million times yes! Mark is not an asshole like you!” those words brought shame to Jaehyun, thankfully he left the bar with his friends without a word.

You were breathing heavily, your best friend came over to check up on you. The relationship you had with Jaehyun was traumatising, something you never mentioned to Mark. Your boyfriend gave you a glass of water, holding you close in his arms helping you to keep calm. “Thanks for putting up a fight for me” he cupped your face incredibly close to him. You kissed him quickly and told him to go back to work, “I’ll stay here where you can see me don’t worry” he winks at you, as if he’s telling you you’re in for a treat tonight.

The night went on peacefully and you decided to spend the night at Mark’s apartment which he thinks is a good idea. Mark got a little drunk last minute, so he’s ten times sweeter than he normally is. You noticed because he’s been kissing your cheeks every minute the whole car ride. Jeno was nice to take you and Mark home, your boyfriend was kissing and thanking Jeno for everything before he finally lets go and let him leave in peace. You and your best friend can only laugh at the scene.

Its a normal thing for the two of you to take care of each other, specially when one of you is drunk or tipsy. Good thing Mark is sober enough to change his own clothes and brush his teeth he knew you will seriously throw a fit if he goes to bed without brushing his teeth. You hand him a glass of water before you take a shower, “you sleepy already?” this time its you who gave him a kiss, he shook his head. “Not drunk anymore either” he’s quick to pull you for a tight hug, kissing your lips sweetly and taking his time with you. “I’ll shower first before everything else” you try to push him away giggling and pinching his cute butt. “aw-“

Your mind was clouded by what happened earlier that you forgot to bring your clothes with you at the bathroom. You didn’t have any choice but to walk into Mark’s room with just your towel. He whistled when you came in, telling you that he can smell you from where he’s seated. “Is this a new thing of yours? Walking into my room with only your towel?” he teased you making you both giggle and laugh.

“I will take off your clothes the moment you finished putting them on. I wont bother putting them If I were you”

Of all the many things Mark is good at, sweet talking is one of it. You tsked and walked slowly towards him, straddling him while he comfortably lays in bed. Gripping your towel tightly, careful not to let it fall. Mark let out a frustrated laugh and closed his eyes, “Y/n if I’m good at sweet talking you’re good at teasing” he knew you so well. You grind on his clothed crotch, making his thin pyjamas wet from your juices. “Please remove your towel, I want to see you” you didn’t stopped grinding on his hard crotch, slowly you let your towel fall making Mark impatient he grabbed the end of it and threw it somewhere on the floor.

He sat up meeting your lips, hands all over your body. Kissing each other hungrily like you’ve been away for a long time. You removed Mark’s shirt worshipping your boyfriend’s beautiful body and kissed his flawless abs, down to his abdomen removing his pyjamas and boxer briefs in one swift move. With no words or whatsoever, you suck him off like theres no tomorrow. His hands quick to be on top of your head, “Why do I feel like I’m getting rewarded every time you suck me off” he felt the vibration from your giggle.

You pump his cock while slowly sucking him off, playing with his head with a pool of spit in your mouth. Mark likes it filthy but he never mentions it to you because he’s a gentleman. Seeing your boyfriend’s parted lips while his eyes are closed, makes him ten times hotter always. “Oh y/n, baby - shit, you’re in trouble for making me feel so good right now” he managed to let out a threat even though he’s quivering. It’s obvious that he’s on edge already, you removed his cock from your mouth your hand played with his head, making him whine and quiver more he almost kicked you “So what? you want me to stop?”  

“No! - fucking - Im sorry please baby, put it back in your mouth” and you did, he smiled at you letting you know he’s thankful. After a few minutes, Mark is a whining mess cursing and breathing heavily under your touch while you try your best to keep his hips steady. You don’t always swallow his cum, but when you do he loses his mind and becomes a little rough in bed. Which you love.

You lay on his chest after sucking him off, listening to his heart beat feeling his fingers draw invisible lines on your back. “Your cum tastes like vodka” you both laughed at what you said. He was poking your pussy on purpose which you just let him do, “I wonder what your cum tastes like tonight?” you smiled at him, he kissed you in return. He loves seeing your hair perfectly falls to your side so he kept his eyes open the whole time you were kissing him softly.

Slowly pulling away from him you giggle at the sight of your boyfriend being needy of your kisses. “Mark Lee, tonight is your lucky night and your time to be a pillow princess” he looks at you for a second, hesitating since he wanted to make you feel good tonight. “Okay” he shifts to a better position in bed, making himself comfortable and waiting for your next move. “Hmm. Mark, I just remembered” you came closer to him, lips almost touching. “We don’t have condoms” you laughed at his reaction. Completely frustrated, groaning and massaging his forehead. “You planned this” he quickly accused you since you’re the one who keep on insisting to have sex without condoms these couple of days but he never let you win. “Oh y/n! You’re so good at teasing like - ugh! The things I want to do to you baby” you were still laughing while kissing his neck, marking him for the first time tonight.

“pullout”

“No way”

“Come on you’re Mark Lee. You can do anything” you sat in between his legs, kissing his abs slowly going down.

“Its not that I can’t do it, you know I can. And I kinda want to” he felt your kisses on his cock. Making him flinch, completely aware that your kisses are sweet traps. “Its dangerous, we don’t know what might happen” you groan in frustration, “Jeno does it all the time and she never gets pregnant. Come on, just this one time” his eyes widened by the mention of Jeno’s name, he didn’t expect that you will use Jeno in this type of situation. “I’m sorry” you knew what you did and you were guilty of it, “I shouldn’t have said that baby, I’m sorry” you stopped what you’re doing and lay on top of your boyfriend.

He hates seeing you like this. Maybe he can pullout just for tonight. You felt him tap your ass, you hum and looked at him. “I think” he gulps, he cant believe he’s actually saying yes, “Just don’t make me cum, I’ll make you cum tonight” you giggle like a little girl and quickly placed your hand on his cock making him hard again, kissing his nipples making him needy of you. He closed his eyes again savouring the pleasure.

You grind and grind on his cock, making it hard with your juices. He doesn’t say it but it makes him crazy feeling your pussy like this. “Baby It’s not even in yet” you stopped grinding because he looked like he’s about to cum. “Dont mind me, you’re hot. I can’t help it” he smiled at you completely letting go of all the worries running in his head.

When you finally lined his cock at your entrance and slowly pushing it in, the feeling was surreal. The pleasure when you grind more on his cock was addicting you can’t explain how good it is. It’s the first time both of you had sex without a condom and it made you both speechless. It felt like you’re having sex for the first time again. Only your moans and Mark’s surrounds the room. You were panting and breathing hard, hoping Mark could talk to you. But instead he switched the positions making you underneath him, his lips never left yours. You felt him slowly pullout and it made you whine, a little disappointed. “Baby why -“ but the moment you voiced out your disappointment, he came slamming in your pussy making you moan a little louder than before.

His pace was slow, enough to make you both crazy and at the same time wanting for more. Mark is completely taking control now, “Remind me to fuck you raw again next time” you gasped at what he just said leaving you in awe and making you more turned on. You switched positions again making you on top, straddling him. “You won’t give up, do you?”  he intertwines his fingers with yours, kissing both of your knuckles. “Nope. Told you I want to take control tonight” he nods in approval, he grabs your boobs while you grind on top of him. The view of you grinding slowly and then suddenly bouncing on his cock, not taking your eyes off him is something he will never forget.

He slapped your ass leaving you shocked. “Is that that the best you got, don’t make me switch positions again” you scoffed and doubled your pace making his head turn left and right, “You’re saying that as if you’re not on edge already. Mark, baby, you don’t know what you’re saying” you bite back.

“You’re right- fuck - Im gonna cum” to his surprise you switched positions again, encircling your arms around his neck kissing him like crazy.

“Pullout. Show me you can” you challenged him again.

He smirked and sucked his thumb, putting it on your clit stimulating you while he pounds your pussy. You regret putting him in charge again, you feel your high coming making your legs weak. “Oh my go- Mark!” You whine and moan making him stop when you already came. You saw him pullout, pump his cock and ruining his blue sheets, his eyes still not leaving you. Still on high from your orgasm , you cover your face with all your energy left telling him to stop looking at you.

“Mark, stop looking at me while you jerk off. You’re turning me on”

You closed your eyes still avoiding his gaze, but he went in between your legs again spreading your folds and licks your cunt. Making you quiver and gasp pushing his head away from your pussy but you feel so weak. All you can do now is give in to what he’s doing. You came again for the second time tonight, and you swear you feel so tired.

Mark felt so accomplished by making you feel good and tired tonight. He didn’t expect that fucking you raw can make him more addicted to you than he already is. You felt wet kisses all over your body, hearing him giggle and laugh from time to time. “Hmm. Im not yet tired. Want round two?” He licks your hard nipples, touching and pinching them to wake you up. You both know that saying no to round two will only make you both horny the next day.

“Give me a few minutes” you asked of him.

“Nope. Nu-uh” he’s teasing your slit again, making you sensitive and shiver under him.

Starting that night, you’ve drawn to each other even more. And having sex at least once a week without condom became a thing for the both of you. It’s not that having sex with condoms bore you, it’s just that Mark fucking you raw made the sex even more better than before.

“I’m telling you! He was completely out of his mind the moment-“ Mark quickly covers your mouth before you tell Jeno everything about the first night you two fucked raw. Jeno was laughing the whole time teasing Mark while he mixed drinks, not letting Mark get away with this.

“You’re so dead later” Mark threatened you again with a kiss on your temple.

After a few weeks, Mark insists on using condoms again because he’s scared he might not control himself anymore and cum instead you. “Is it too late for me to try taking pills?” he didn’t stopped you when you suggested it, “only if you’re comfortable with taking it, okay?” You nod.

When your final wave of exams are finished, everyone was out celebrating. That means Mark will be busy serving drinks again on a Friday night. Your best friend wants to get drunk so bad because she and Jeno had a fight. All you can do is be with her, meddling with other’s relationship is not actually your thing. You can only assure to Jeno that you’re taking care of her.

“Don’t let her drink too much” Jeno begs. You both know that your best friend is stubborn and she gets a little too alcoholic whenever they fight. “I’ll try” you said, giving him a frown and you went back to the table.

You felt sick a minute after your best friend threw up for the third time tonight. The smell of her puke made you dizzy and throw up too. You wished for this night to end soon.

Mark was quick too find you the moment you’re nowhere to be found around the area. He found you on the bathroom floor leaning on the wall. “Y/n, what on earth? I barely gave you drinks tonight” you felt so weak, your head hurts you cant speak.

The next day, you woke up on Mark’s bed wearing one of his shirts and comfortable sweatpants. You saw him on his small kitchen making pancakes, while drinking coffee. You quietly sneaked behind him giving him morning kisses and thanking him for taking care of you last night. “To make you feel  even better, Jeno made amends last night he apologised before they went home” it indeed made you feel better but not physically, you feel like throwing up again leaving Mark at the kitchen and running to the bathroom as quick as you can.

You threw up on the toilet making you feel disgusted to yourself, cursing all the alcoholic beverages you drank last night. Mark came in leaning on the door with a glass of water, worried about you and to what’s happening in your body. He didn’t want to think about it, but he suspects you’re pregnant.

“When was the last time you had your period?” That question from Mark made you completely irritated. You shrugged it off, not telling him a word. Thinking maybe he’s right.

The whole morning was quiet, something that never happens whenever you and Mark spend breakfast together. You asked him to take you home because you’re worried your parents might get mad at him.

When you got home, you checked your menstrual cycle only to find out you’re four weeks late. You were scared of course. Mark knew what exactly you were going to do so he didn’t leave yet. You saw him standing outside your room, looking at you as if he knew already what you just found out.

“I’m here. I’ll take responsibility”

You cried and cried that night while Mark holds you tight. Blaming no one but yourself. Mark is trying his best to comfort you and be with you, letting you know that he will never leave you all throughout the process. “All we have to do is be honest with the people around us. Specially to your parents, they love you. Im sure sure they help is through this. I’ll talk to my parents as well” hearing him talk like this makes you wonder what did you do deserve Mark.

Telling your parents that you’re pregnant is never easy. But having someone beside you while you feel like your world is suddenly crashing down is a different kind of blessing that you don’t deserve. Mark was there holding your hand the whole time when you told your family about being pregnant. And he was right, your parent loves you.

Nothing was easy about teenage pregnancy. It challenges you mentally and physically. You feel like a completely different person when you first saw your baby bump, but nothing compared to the feeling when the doctor told you and Mark that you’re having a baby boy.

“Okay, how about Marco? Marcus? So we could call him Marky” you laughed at the baby names your boyfriend suggests. They’re not bad, but it’s funny how he still wants to name the baby after his name.

When the day finally came, you were fighting for your life and you were sent to the hospital 2 weeks early before the estimated date of your delivery. Everyone was nervous, and patiently waiting outside the delivery room. And when the doctor finally came out, everyone burst into tears.

“Her delivery was not easy, but y/n and the baby are safe now”

Mark Wanted to scream, and tell everyone in the hospital how he’s so proud of you for fighting for your own life and for Marco’s. When he saw you and his baby for the first, he cried. Telling soft wishes beside the baby’s ear, playing with it’s small hands.

You and Mark were great parents even though you’re both young for that role. He had double shifts at the bar so he can earn more. Telling everyone that you delivered the baby safely and that he’s saving up so people will start seeing him more and serving more drinks.

You on the other hand, is completely hands on with your son, taking care of him 24/7 and not letting anyone touch your baby except Mark and your parents. You decided to leave school and return next year with Mark so the both of you can provide a great future for your baby.

The baby is now five months old and everyone is excited to meet him. But its not safe to bring him on Jeno’s birthday. So you asked for your parents to look after baby Marco for tonight. You and Mark kissed baby Marco goodbye as you went out to head to the bar.

“Do you think it’s right to make your parents take care of our baby just because it’s Jeno’s birthday?” Mark asked.

“I feel guilty too baby, but you need to work. And I promised Jeno. Besides its only for tonight and Im not drinking tonight, not a drop” he nods.

When you both arrived at the bar, Mark went straight to work, kissing you a couple of times before letting you go. As usual your best friend is already drunk, but trying her best to sober up because she’s the one driving you home tonight. You greet Jeno a happy birthday, telling him to stop giving his girlfriend alcohol and start giving her water.

“And speaking of water, heres yours my love” Mark gave you a glass of water reaching for a kiss. “Mark Im going to be drunk tonight, drunk in love” your boyfriend blushed but rolls his eyes on you.

You went back to your best friend with her glass of water, making her drink all of it. “Y/n I want to go home. I promised Jeno I wouldn’t stay late because I have early classes tomorrow” you nod and helped her gather her stuff, putting her jacket on. Mark was serving drinks at the other side of the bar, so you made Jeno tell him that you went home already.

Mark was grabbing a glass at the rack when suddenly one of it slipped through his hand, something that never happened before. “It’s okay I got it, go make drinks they want 10 rum cokes. You’re the expert” Hyuck grabs the broom and cleaned up.

Talking to people while mixing drinks is his thing, he heard Jeno called him a few times but he ignored him and kept on taking orders from people. He felt someone grabbed him from behind only to find out it was Jeno. Tears falling completely speechless.

When someone finally talked to Mark about what happened, his world stopped.

That night, you and your best friend died from car crash.

Mark was beyond heartbroken. He never talked to Jeno ever again because he’s scared he might hate him for the rest of his life. He asked for some time before he’s ready to face his best friend again. After the funeral, Mark talked to your parents and begged them to take care of Marco. Not because he’s running away from his responsibilities but because he knew he can’t take care of his son if he’s depressed. Mark never felt so lonely in his life.

He went back to Korea to his parents to seek comfort and asked them to help him stand with his own feet again. He experienced a different kind of sadness every day, crying every night because you’re alive and well in his dreams, he sometimes imagine that you’re still alive and making himself believe that you’re still here. But Mark knew better. He’s desperate to move on and be better for his son.

After a year, Mark is still experiencing the stages of grief meaning he’s still not capable of taking care of his son, which he agrees. But he realised its not right for him to miss out on in his son’s growth. Slowly with the help of his parents and your parents, he fixed himself again for his son. Although he’s still grieving, he pushes himself to go back to school and finish college. It’s something you would him to do.

5 years later

All is well and on the right track again. Marco grew well with the help of everyone who witnessed him struggle. Mark is financially stable and has a proper home for him and his son. The boy is still young to understand about death but Mark made sure you’re always present in their lives. Keeping pictures of you around the house so he’s familiar with your beautiful face, trying his best on teaching his son the way you would teach him so he would live up just like his mother.

Whenever little Marco and Mark forgets to brush their teeth Mark will always remind him that you will get mad, “Come on you little dork, if mom is here she will surely yell at us.”

Mark cried when Marco asked why he doesn’t have a mom, “No baby don’t say that. Mom is watching us from above, you don’t need to worry about a thing. Were both here with you”

By the time Marco was not so baby anymore and he finished grade school “Mom is proud of you kiddo” Mark finally brought him to your grave and explained what happened as light as possible so he wouldn’t get sad overwhelmed.

As part of moving on and forgiving, Mark and Jeno finally talked again after years and years of building their life again. Jeno and Haechan became great uncles to Marco, taking care of him with all their might because they see you in you in your son.

Mark never understood why such tragedies occur in your life, but he believes that you can take care of both him and your son from up there and that comforts him.

The end. ................................................. Masterlist Thanks for reading! If you came to this point, I hope you enjoyed it! I tried writing something longer but this is all I could manage. hehe.

[spookyvalentine]

1 4 5 7 13 17 25 33 48 57 85 for mercy!

1. What is their gender?

mercy is nonbinary--specifically, agender! they are a genderless ungendered 6’ 2” void of gender. 

the shelter that took mercy in as a baby--and the fosters they’d been bounced around in as a child--never referred to mercy as anything other than they/them, maybe from some sort of ‘let the kid self-determine’ thing that’s way more common in the future (and, also, it’s a little easier for the adults to be impersonal? There’s just. A lot of kids)

4. Do they have any siblings? How many? Are they older or younger?  Which sibling are they the closest with?

no siblings. at least, none by blood that they know about. once, mercy thought that maybe, maybe, they might have... but it's too late now.

mercy and kasumi are practically siblings

5. What’s their relationship with their parents like? What about other relatives?

no parents or relatives to speak of, either. their most stable part of their childhood was brief, nearly two years. they were fostered by the henry's (royann and jo ellen). unbeknownst to mercy, the henry's had an adoption appeal that was denied after mercy is sent to juvie for the second time--and never sees them again. 

anderson is eventually, basically, dad-adjacent 

7. Are they in a romantic relationship? With who? How did they meet?

thane :’)

the only thing really tali remembers about being there meeting thane was the face mercy made after he dropped out of the ceiling, because she’d never seen them react like that to a person before

some of the crew are in frustrated tears about it like oh god make out already please shepard you know you’re flirting with him right you’re just beaming at the man while in his space and staring at his mouth, get a grip, and he’s just as bad,

kasumi just starts banging her head on the counter bc when the fuck are they going to get it and also mercy show some self-control you just can’t eyefuck like that in public

it... takes a while for things to click for mercy

13. What do they do for fun?

exploring as a tourist, not as a soldier. 

produce markets, botanical gardens, natural wonders, museums, street food vendors... there’s just so much life and mercy wants to soak it all in. they like popping into secondhand stores and combing through all the little trinkets and finding things for the people they love (anderson has a curio cabinet of glass figurines that mercy’s sent him over the years on assignments. he likes to think most of them were purchased)

one of their favorite things, though, is to go through music collections--the way it feels to thumb the old physical copies in decorated sleeves and flick through the orange glow of vid files, sit in a really good chair, and just listen. recently, on sleepless nights, they’ve been going through their own library with edi--an experiment in forming opinion. they don’t go to big concerts, but they really delight in live music performances 

also hack into collection agencies and erase medical debts 

17. Where were they born?

really cant be said for certain, but they were found and raised alongside the bayous and coastlines of the mississippi river. at fourteen, they were sent to a secured juvenile facility in new orleans, which started their new life in a metropolis

25. What is their biggest flaw?

it’s not their biggest flaw, but A flaw (the only one that is readily coming to mind) is that they only use One Pistol and it drives everyone insane even though they’ve always had the right amount of bullets in the end, chill y’all 

i’ll need to think on what their Big Flaw is some more, but i dont to hold up the rest of my answers as i ponder it

33. What is their biggest fear? How would they react to having to face it?

going for another simple answer here for now. i wanna say they watched some zombie movies too young. so seeing the husks, and how that mindless, awful, not-even-allowed-to-be-dead type of continued violence can happen to them and anyone else they know? not a fan. flinging that shit as far away as possible, thank you

48. Do they have any tattoos? What are the stories behind those tattoos?

they had tattoos, before cerberus rebuilt them. 

mercy got a couple pieces for their sixteenth and seventeeth birthdays. sorry for being vague! this is something that's gonna be talked about in the next chapter i'm gonna post, and it’ll have pictures :)

lil spoiler: larger than you're thinkin

57. How do they feel about sex? Are they a virgin?

for nearly all of their life, their sexuality has been I AM BUSY 

therefore, romantic and physical liaisons... haven't happened. once, mercy asked garrus if he thought liara and kaidan were into each other because they were constantly asking them about the other, and didn’t understand why he spat up his beer. mercy’s experienced aesthetic attraction to people before, sure, plenty of times, but neither sexual desire nor romantic feelings was a formula their brain needed to compute til now, here, in their thirties.

they’re not like, weirdly naive or anything. they grew up on the streets and was in the marines--it was just something other people did.

but fuck. fuck!!! things, HA, well, they change (i have written a porn(s) lord if you were kind strike me down)

85. Do they believe in ghosts?

when you’re grown alongside the wild in old, slow places, how can you not?

[alienoriana]

Why Lonely Road is about John

1st Disclaimer: Approaching a Paul song is trickier than a John song IMO. Mainly because Paul seems to enjoy and embrace more the weirdness, the serendipity, the subconscious that can break in and subvert the creative process. John himself described Paul’s lyrics as surreal (maybe in oposition to his own lyrics, which are “real” real. For more insights about it, read this great post from @thecoleopterawithana). This is important because Paul usually prefer to highlight that aspect when he’s talking about one of his songs. That tendency may create the impression that he is more detached from his lyrics, when in fact he is trying to focus on that dimension that he considers to be an indispensable part of his identity as a songwriter. Sometimes its a dream, sometimes its a catchy line, sometimes its a mistake that works, sometimes its a minor event or a random person (or animal), or all these elements together. And thats what Paul will tell us later when ask about the song: that little thing that made the tune go and grow.

But when one tries to understand a song (emotional) motives, this tendency gets in the way -and probably that’s how Paul prefers it: just keep guessing, and more importantly, keep listening to the songs-.

2nd Disclaimer: As much as I believe that John and Paul were (are) soulmates, Im aware of the equal (and different) intensity of the bond they had with their spouses. The fact that I focus on J/P relationship, doesn't mean that I like to place their relationship over the others, as more important than the others.  In this case (this song) in particular, I say this in relation to Paul and Linda's relationship. Even if I try to show why I think John's presence is strong in a song, it does not mean that I deny the possibility that Paul actually is alluding to Linda, or even both, sequentially or at the same time. Because the heart is that messy and complex, and big.

I feel that I tried to cover myself too much before I even started, but both issues are usually present almost always in my reflections about his (their) songs (my favorite McLennon topic), and I think this post is a good opportunity to express it.

And now, to the song... [finally, right?]

Lonely Road was included as opening track in the album “Driving Rain”, published in november 2001. The main themes of the album are influenced by the mixed feelings of grief over the recent death of his longtime partner, and of excitement over a new relationship. There’s longing and thankfulness, but also the wish to let go to be able to go on.

Some of the songs were written during a holiday in India, in early 2001, where Paul had not returned since the events of 1968 (!). I think this little fact is esential to read this song. We can ask ourselves: Could Paul have remained indifferent to that place so associated with John and The Beatles, and to the memories it could have awakened?

The lyrics...

I tried to get over you I tried to find something new But all I could ever do Was fill, my time With thoughts, of you

I tried to go somewhere old To search for my pot of gold But all I could ever hold Inside, my mind Were thoughts, of you

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

The analysis of the one who does not want to be analyzed...

When asked about this particular song, Paul was as usual nonchalant about its meaning.

In 2001, he was saying this:

‘Lonely Road’ was also written in Goa, where I was enjoying the beach and the sea and generally chilling out in the new century. Again, I had a few moments in the afternoon, which is always a good time for me, a quiet spell when it’s always cool for me to go off and fondle my guitar. The songs basically wrote itself in about an hour. It is what it is, this song, you can make of it what you want to make of it. To me it’s not particularly about anything other than not wanting to be brought down. It’s a sort of anti-being brought down song, which is for anyone and everyone. It’s ‘don’t want to get brought down again, don’t want to walk that lonely road’, it’s symbolic for anyone who’s been through any sort of problems. It’s a defiant song against loneliness, written in a hotel room in Goa. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“It’s a defiant song against loneliness”, thats a fantastic little definition, which goes well with not only this song but many of Paul’s tunes.

In another quote, published much later, Paul speaks a little about the simple motivation for a certain rhyme:

‘Lonely Road’ was written in India, and that’s a bit… I don’t really know what I’m doing, just blues longing. I say I tried to go somewhere ‘old’, that’s India. ‘To search for my pot of gold’, well I wasn’t, I was on holiday. So it’s half imagination, half reality. If I’m looking for a rhyme for old, and pot of gold comes into my mind, then I don’t resist. ‘I try to go somewhere old cos I no longer need a pot of gold?’ Fuck that. Let’s go somewhere old to search for a pot of gold seems more like a song. - "Conversations With McCartney", by Paul Du Noyer, 2015.

In both quotes, its like he’s saying: “It’s nothing, it’s just this song I made up on a holiday, I didnt want to get brought down, ‘old’ just goes well with ‘gold’, the usual things in a songwriter life. Don’t pay that much attention to it, don’t think too much about it, I certainly didn’t”.

Interestingly, he makes reference in the 2001 interview to another song of the same album, and he once again tries to make it clear that the sources of inspiration were deeply rooted in free asociation.

‘About You’ was written in India, in Goa. We had such a relaxing start to an Indian holiday which was at the beginning of 2001. It was exciting, I hadn’t been back to India since the Mararishi days, which was 25 years or so ago. It was great to look around a bit more; I’d only seen Rishikesh, north of Delhi, before. We started off in Goa, relaxed beach time, and one afternoon I wrote ‘About You’ on a little travel guitar I’ve got which has it’s own amp in it. I picked some words out for the song after seeing a copy of The India Times which was lying around. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“I read the news today, oh boy" kind of feeling... Hmmm... (I wonder what that newspaper was about)

IMO, every time Paul strives to asociate a certain song to something inexplicable, casual and without intermediation, he actually suggests that the motivation is very intimate and subconscious. At the same time, he refuses to analyse it. He wont talk about it, because he cant answer for himself at that moment, that place and time. And he probably believes that if he tries to grasp its meaning and set it in stone, sort to speak, he would kill the song. In this case, I think he tries to say there is no clear intention, but its also a strong feeling he can’t help to express.

And when he alludes to the specific lyrics, he carefully avoids the “middle eight” of the song: “I hear your music and it's driving me wild / Familiar rhythms in a different style / I hear your music and it's driving me wild again”.

“I hear your music"... Whose music? 

Ok, Paul, you chose “gold” to rhyme with “old” (and I will not try to relate the “pot of gold” line with the famous twin dreams that John and Paul had after meeting for the first time). Fine. 

But who is the person he is talking to throughout the song? Whose memory is the one “taking him down” there in India, in a supposedly happy holiday?

Yes, it can be Linda, but if so, wouldn't Paul say "our music"?. Im inclined to believe that this music he’s hearing (and its driving him “wild”... wild as “young and rebellious”? wild as “angry and mad”?) belongs or relates to someone different.  

He sings: “Don't want to let you take me down / Don't want to get hurt second time around / Don't want to walk that lonely road again”.

Oh, this part I love. The reference to “second time” and “again” speak of a first time he was brought down and hurt, of a first time he walked “that lonely road”. Can this have to do only with his recent mourning, to which he’s saying in a way he’s done suffering? Or has to do with another, more distant, first departure, first great hurt? And even more, does this “first time” have something to do with India? (I remember now that Paul has another beautiful song that belongs to this period, maybe a little later, thats simply called “India”).

Why John, then?

The song transpires clearly a youthful rebellious spirit (”Fuck that”), expressing the need to shake off melancholy and nostalgia. And I think that in this way he suggests that he is more guarded in front of a process he already is familiar with. HE’S BEEN THERE. Because he has already gone through that lonely road, and it took him a long time to recover. This time, he feels the urge to recover faster (we'll know later that maybe it was too fast).

I dont know if the first mourning refers to his break-up with John or to John’s passing. Perhaps the proximity to India reinforces the first possibility.

Another thing to take into account is the fact that in the album Paul includes a song directly and explicitly related to Linda, Magic. On the contrary, in the case of Lonely Road, Paul decides to leave it orphan: it´s about noone, and nothing.

Lonely Road comes straight from the subconscious. It has a close, immediate trigger: probably another song that he hears and it makes him wild, and it brings him down, and it reminds him of another time when he was left alone.

And I think that song is a John’s song.

P.S.: Oh, not really related, but you definitely should watch the Lonely Road video. 

[zaritarazi]

au where they're adapting Rebecca silver's books into a movie and lead actress Amaya jiweye insists on spending the production w the reclusive author mick rory to better understand her role

Okay so this is kind of similar to the bachelorette au idea for them but i think this one actually has a bit more flexibility to it and actually isnt that similar but i just thought of that au anyway let's GO

The original plan had been so simple. Mick was just going to sell off a couple of stories, cash the checks, live on an island with a beach. But when he goes to sell the stories, and starts hearing what these people want to do to his work,,, it's impossible. He comes on as a producer bc these are his CHILDren and he will pull the plug on an unfaithful adaptation like THAT.

So going into making this movie everyone is very nervous bc they have the potential to make a lot of money but mick is VERY fickle and they cannot afford for him to tank this. And they're doing read throughs for the lead actress, they've got so many candidates that they think could work, and mick is shooting them all down. Too friendly, too smiley, not geniune enough, this thing is never going to get off the ground and THEN-

Amaya is kind of an it girl right now, indie starlet turned superheroine on the big screen, she's just coming off the movie vixen where she played the titular character with the ability to take the power of any animal, and she's kind of over the big blockbuster thing so when her agent sends her this she's like this is gonna be what? The next 50 shades? No thank you. But her agent is a big rebecca silver fan and is like amaya you have to trust me these are good books and amaya, who has never read a rebecca silver novel, is like sure fine okay but if i get there and it's garbage i'm walking out and her agent is like sure fine whatever just DO it

And she shows up for a reading- she's doing this scene where officer daphne is trying to talk herself out of a relationship with tank tremors- and the thing is, amaya isnt wild about the material but there's just something about her. The way she holds herself. The confidence. The intelligence. Mick is like her. Hire her. And theyre like shes kind of a big name right now she's gonna be expensive and mick is like cool i dont give a fuck hire her or the movie doesnt get made so. Here she is. Amaya Jiwe the lead in uncaged desire

But she's there for the first day and she's just... not feeling it. And it's not that the guy who plays tank isnt like, good or anything (his name is nate and in his off time he likes to talk constantly about his sciency handsome fiance or whatever) it's just, she's really not sure she wants to be in this movie. So the director takes her aside and is like listen the writer himself wanted you for this role so do with that what you will and amaya is like wait really? Get me lunch with him.

And mick receiving this request is like absolutely not im only here to backseat drive this project until she shows up at the beverly hills hotel where he's been put up for this movie (he usually lives in coast city. He moved there after... nevermind) and she is at the door to his suite and he doesn't even know why he's letting her in but she turns to him and says, so what is daphne really like? She's never read a single book of his she wants it pure right from the source and if she was brilliant on tape she's blinding in real life and mick is like oh did i insist they cast her bc im somehow deeply in love with her despite having just met her? Oh no

And amaya is just so... interested in him, he's so smart and purposeful and intense and she finds herself falling into the role not because of the movie but because the idea of being mick's dream girl this woman he wrote about his vision his muse is giving her goosebumps and her agent is like he is like 50 please do not date him and amaya is already naming their first child like staying at his hotel more than her own apartment fucking popsugar is going crazy and amaya isnt even sure if she even likes the material still but she loves mick, like loves him

Uncaged desire the movie or the story of how one writer found the woman he was writing about is whoever amaya wanted her to be and also about the dramatic ups and downs of love and passion and that photo of micks dead husband with eyes that seem to follow her around the room... weird

[aughraseye]

kinda obvious but for the "give me a character" Tavra!! and maybe a onica... if you are feeling both :)

Oh anon. Thank you for this. I’m gonna answer for Tavra because I got another request for Onica! Also this definitely has spoilers for the books.

Why I like them

There are SO many reasons why I like Tavra. She’s just incredibly cool. In the books and the show she has this easy confidence about her, and even under extreme stress and adversity keeps a level head. So much of who she is can be defined by her convictions and the people/causes she cares about. She is a loving sister, concerned for the wellbeing of her family. She a princess willing to sacrifice and fight to protect all gelfling and Thra. She is a paladin, protective and brave, dedicated to doing what is right. She is a lover, a friend, and ally, who helps those around her feel surer in themselves just by being there.

Tavra is a character who provides a steadying energy to those in her life. She helps Brea see beyond her youth and naivety, reassures and comforts Seladon, and offers both an open heart and an open mind to all she meets.

Though she can at times be gruff or stoic, she is a deeply caring person. She also has a mischievous and reckless side that is enormously endearing.

In short, Tavra is a wonderfully constructed and multifaceted character driven by an easy confidence in herself and her abilities, a steely and sharp mind, and an extraordinarily compassionate heart.

Why I don’t


I really don’t like how much she is treated as a secondary character or used simply to move the plot around. By that I mean a significant portion of Tavra’s role in the books and the show revolves around other characters. She’s used pretty frequently only to give insight into someone else’s emotional state, as a tool in their character development, or to keep the plot moving forward. You see this in her relationship with Seladon, her relationship with Brea, her relationship with almost all the book characters, and even in how her independent plot lines are handled.

She’s pretty much only ever around when someone needs something from her, whether that’s emotional support, guidance, a skilled fighter, to be possessed so they can borrow her fighting skills, or when you need someone to became a spider puppet or be an easily kidnapped spider to add tension and drive the story forward.

Though Tavra is the type to keep her business private and put herself in situations that are high risk, it’s honestly ridiculous how often she’s used as plot device instead of treated as her own character. I’d even argue that this way of handling her is totally unnecessary in most cases could be done better.

When she’s one of the three characters to have a defining presence in all four books (along with Naia and Kylan) and is still never promoted to a more prominent position in the story - when one of those four books is spent with her under another entity’s control - when a significant amount of her screen time is when she’s part of the ascendency - when even her own death is more about how it’s affecting her sisters and their relationship than it is her - you start to see what I mean.

On a little lighter note, I also think that in the books she sometimes gets portrayed as serious to a fault. I prefer the easy going, casually joking Tavra we get in the show.

Favorite episode (scene if movie)

I really love that scene where she finds Brea after she’s run away fro the Order of Lesser Service. It really highlights the best of her character. She’s comforting, caring, open-minded, a little funny, a little tough, and unafraid to contradict her mother when she feels it’s right. I love how she trusts Brea from the beginning and provides her with a non-judgmental audience. It’s just such a sweet moment in time.

I liked the scene with Seladon for the same reason. And seeing Tavra get frustrated with her and reassure her all in the same breath offered great insight into their relationship.

I also really loved her in Shadow of the Dark Crystal. She’s such a fucking badass in that book. Tides was great too because we get to see her interact with Onica.

Favorite line

I’m the fun one.

Also not a line but I really loved the beginning of Tides when she has this kind of breathless anxiety about getting to Onica and the absolute and utter relief she feels when they get there.

Favorite outfit

I like her in her armor, no helmet, no circlet.

I’d throw her circlet away if I could. She just doesn’t pull it off.

OTP

Tavronica. I live and die for them.

Brotp

I loved her friendships with the characters in the books, Naia, Kylan, and Amri.

I also think she and Seladon, if they aren’t already, will become great friends as they mature (assuming Tavra’s still alive).

Head Canon

I have so many…I guess for this I’ll say that when Tavra was younger she made Brea looked well-behaved. She got away with a lot of it because she’s middle child, but she was definitely pretty wild. Joining the paladins helped her get that raucous energy under control and instill her with a sense of discipline.

However, even though she’s calmer and more behaved on the surface she still gets up to plenty of antics.

Unpopular opinion

I don’t know that this is unpopular per se but I do think she and Seladon are close. I actually think they are closer than Brea and Tavra.

Based on looks and personality, I would guess Seladon and Tavra are closer in age than Brea and Tavra. Because of that, I imagine they spent a lot of time together during their childhood, as friends, sisters, classmates, etc. Even when Brea came along, she seems like the type to have been independent from a young age. I think for the most part she would probably have been content to do her own thing while occasionally joining in with her older sisters.

Seladon though, she’s definitely a person who’s stronger and better off with people around to support her. She needs close relationships. We get small moments in the show of Tavra being there for her, acting as her confidant and friend. It’s a quick glimpse evidencing the strength in their relationship. But they are also both adults. They have their own lives and responsibilities - stressful, time consuming responsibilities. This is especially true for Seladon. So they don’t have as much time to maintain their relationship as they each might like. It’s also hard at times for Tavra who feels that while she’s there for Seladon, Seladon’s not always there for her. 

As for the few disparaging comments Tavra makes about her in the books…

I think that Seladon, trying once again to emulate her mother instead of figuring out her own leadership style, strived to be more independent and self sufficient in her duties. And this in combination with finding out about Tavra’s relationship with Onica (if only very vaguely) led her to put distance between them and push Tavra away. As a result there’s some bitterness and a lack of shared understanding between them. Though we don’t get to see it resolved in the books, I have hope that the show will do justice to their friendship.

A wish

Yeah I wish for Tavra to be alive and not a spider please.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen

Well they killed her, so…

But if I had to say pick a different answer, I guess I would say something else that very nearly happened. When Tavra was under the ascendency’s control and almost had her own sisters drained, if they’d actually gone through with that I would have been devastated. And if they released Tavra so she had to confront the fact that she killed her sisters…

I just really don’t ever want her to watch the people she loves die helplessly from the sidelines, or even worse manipulated into causing them harm.

5 words to best describe them

Reserved, cool, badass, caring, and of course fun :)

[retrauxpunk]

sv 6.06

recap post of the penultimate episode of silicon valley under the cut (with spoilers as usual)

this miiiight be a downer post so if you want to avoid that ... this is your warning

...

...

... i think this is the first episode recap post i’m writing that doesn’t start with ‘what the fuck’ because honestly i think i found this episode a bit weird and not ................that good? and MAYBE it’s just because i’ve had a shitty couple days? i’m not totally sure.

but.

I dunno.

I’ll try do this chronologically.

it was a good point of yikes with richard not actually having secured the AT&T deal and just telling his employees that he had because like, that’s a good potential source of conflict. i’m down for that.

i liked when he was talking to AT&T guy and then there’s a cut to dinesh and gilfoyle standing their like shocked parents. dinesh’s expression of ���WHAT’ ... yeah i like that. also gilfoyle looked especially fine as hell, particularly the hands.

okay.

i 

... gilfoyle using THE AI TO DEBUG CODE? i think this broke my suspension of disbelief. this seems wildly stupid and implausible given, like, gilfoyle’s WHOLE CHARACTER? i don’t really buy that someone who’s as security-conscious and conscientious as he is would, um, DO THIS? please feel free to present counterarguments if you disagree with this (or any other points in this post tbh) because i’m honestly open to hearing them, in fact i would welcome anything that made this episode feel more sense-making and less ‘what the fuck did the show just decide to fire all their tech consultants and throw character out the window?’

LIKE. it’s partly the fact that this seems a bit farfetched on the technological realism front but it’s MORE SO the fact that it just seems so NOT GILFOYLE.

GIVEN THAT FIVE EPISODES AGO HE GOT MAD AT DINESH FOR LETTING THE TWO AIs TALK. HE’S CLEARLY AWARE OF THE RISKS.

and he acts like this cavalier dont give a fuck asshole but i DO NOT BELIEVE that he would risk ALL OF PIED PIPER’S CODE with his AI?????? FUCK what is this!!...?

..............????

okay.

i’m  ............ upset that they seem to have COMPLETELY DITCHED this whole jarrich thing they were building up. i’m NOT saying i’m mad that they’re not canonically a romantic couple. i’m saying that -- shipper goggles completely not in the picture -- the first four episodes built up so much stuff for them, there was SO MUCH about their relationship, and with 6.05 and 6.06 there was just fucking NOTHING. and it just. feels like kinda shitty writing? UNLESS?? in the final episode there’s a lot of richard and jared content to make up for it?

like the first four episodes had so MUCH content about their relationship (jared’s whole generally lovelorn thing, accidentally driving to the hacker hostel, quitting, richard throwing a fit when he quit and watching with this cocktail of sadness and bitterness and anger as jared leaves, their fight at the hacker hostel, JARED BRIEFLY FORGETTING TO BE MAD AT RICHARD AND SMILING DURING THE WHOLE BUYING HOOLI THING, richard apologising and telling jared he missed him, JARED FUCKING CRYING) and then there’s just NOTHING? what the FUCK? IS THIS? it HONESTLY feels like the writers were building up to a big richard and jared moment (whether romantic or platonic, either works) but then that storyline got axed by an executive and they got forced into dropping or something, or they just fucking collectively FORGOT about this whole arc seriously WHAT. IS THIS?????

this is the first time in my life i’ve gotten this level of upset about any tv and i guess, well, whatever they do with the finale, it can’t be as bad as what they did with game of thrones!! (i don’t watch game of thrones or read asoiaf, but it was pretty impossible not to catch wind of that whole clusterfuck) that’s gonna be my source of ......... solace.

so yeah.

for FUCK’s sake. all of jared’s talking about gwart, i just. if that’s meant to be sincere i don’t fucking buy it because no fucking way did jared imprint so hard on a person who was fundamentally a rebound

I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THE LACK OF JARRICH STORYLINE WHAT THE FUCK this is not even a queerbaiting issue THEY HAD A FUCKING STORYLINE TOGETHER AND NOW IT’S VANISHED INTO FUCKING SMOKE WHAT THE FUCK

ALSO DID THEY SERIOUSLY JUST WIPE OUT HOLDEN OFF-SCREEN ARE WE REALLY MEANT TO JUST IMAGINE THAT IN THE GAP BETWEEN EPISODES JARED JUST CONTINUOUSLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSED/HARRASSED HOLDEN INTO QUITTING WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

honestly when i set out to write this recap i was just like ‘this prob won’t be a long post because all i really have feelings about and want to talk about is the ending of the episode’ but clearly ... that has turned out not to be the case

okay anyway, yeah, i mean, it’s definitely plausible that if richard and jared were to real life people that jared would rejoin pied piper and they’d just simply never address their falling out, right, i mean people are plausibly that emotionally constipated sometimes and don’t communicate in situations where you’d expect them to.

BUT THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE IT’S FUCKING TV and it appears to me rather much like shitty screenwriting when you set up a relationship conflict that’s fucking PACKED with juicy emotional moments and then it DISAPPEARS INTO THIN AIR what the FUCK

jesus christ

okay

anyway.

russfest.

honestly when jared was seeing gwart around i was a bit like, okay if this meant to be a legit hallucination it’s a bit Much because, really, jared being that genuinely devoted to gwart that the breakup with her cut him that much? i’m not buying it 

so i’m glad it turned out to be Not a hallucination

i liked the twist that actually yaonet wasn’t throttling pied piper, pied piper itself just wasn’t good enough. i liked richard breaking down over it. tbh on a subjectively level i found it a bit painful to watch because he really did behave like a toddler and that was a bit, like, second-hand-embarrassment. but i don’t like object to it or anything.

WHY IS THIS SEASON ONLY SEVEN EPISODES.

the fucking speed with which richard breaks down and then magically finds a solution honestly feels way too rushed and unearned.

U N E A R N E D

that is how i feel about the resolution of this episode. like.

okay so if i remember/understand this correctly, richard’s [extremely hand-wavey solution] was to apply his compression algorithm to son of anton which allowed it to become more intelligent and learn faster/better? and that basically FIXED PIED PIPER? he used gilfoyle’s [a tad unrealistically] bitching AI to like ... have pied piper fix itself? 

i barely understand it.

and it’s not like i demand a fully fleshed-out solution, right, like with the middle-out jerkoff epiphany, that wasn’t fleshed out but there was enough detail for it to feel believable. whereas with this ... it did not feel like that. 

yeah the whole thing felt way too rushed.

what even was it? like, gilfoyle was using son of anton on pipernet to debug things ... whereas richard first used his compression algorithm on son of anton, then set son of anton loose on pied piper? okay that makes, like, enough sense that if they poured more time and detail into this, then i’d probably be totally happy accepting this in the storyline and my suspension of disbelief wouldn’t have been fucking skullfucked

but this, just. this pacing. i did not like it. it felt massively unearned because there were, what, a very small number of minutes between when richard finds out his tech is inadequate to when he finds a solution?

GOD THEY COULD’VE MADE THIS SO MUCH BETTER IF THEY’D PUT AN EPISODE BETWEEN PROBLEM AND SOLUTION INSTEAD OF JUST LIKE TWO FUCKING MINUTES

this makes me SO MAD IT GIVES ME THE CONFIDENCE TO THINK I COULD WRITE A BETTER STORY THEN THEY DID? FUCK???????

???

okay like yeah totally possible the writers had constraints outside of their control and they did the best they could. but. i’m still not ... happy with the result lol

anyway yeah i’m fucking cheesed off about how richard gets skullfucked with the inadequacy of his own tech, has a breakdown, and then MERE MINUTES OF SCREENTIME LATER, he has a wild solution that works!

and sure, they had it appear to fail first, which was good. but then it magically was back up and running! and yeah i liked how russ said ‘lights!’ and it turned out that this magical new pied piper had gotten so awesome that it build this new feature for itself or whatever, but, honestly, it happened way too quickly to feel believable or satisfying and i’m mad.

because this show has set a pretty high standard in the past and now it’s been a fucking let-down with this episode. god.

what the fuck is this pacing? it was so good at the beginning of this season!! WHAT IS THIS???

AND IF THE PROBLEM IS TIME

THEN WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE SO MANY PLOTLINES WITH FILLER? THE WHOLE ETHAN CONFLICT. GILFOYLE AND MONICA VS TRACY. GAVIN FUCKING BELSON’S STUPID BOOK DEAL. can you imagine how much better this russfest plotline would’ve been if they’d had MORE TIME from not doing those ultimately unimportant subplots? fuck

i have legitimately worked myself into a rage writing this post. i did not expect to have this many feelings, to this level of intensity.

and it’s fucking frustrating because the bones of an awesome arc are here! the moment when the AT&T guy sees the giant hologram from the plane, that could’ve been actually epic rather than a feeling of ‘i know this is meant to be epic but it just feels totally hollow because they completely fucking compressed the biggest part of this whole episode into five fucking minutes’

and richard’s breakdown where he’s jumping on the laptop, screaming about ‘six years’? god that point would’ve been amazing if there’d been more time to explore it!

on a lighter note, i was amused when richard said he had gilfoyle’s laptop because i was like ‘oh okay it’s nice to know that richard is a l33t enough hax0r that he can get through gilfoyle’s undoubtedly Strong laptop security with [presumably] relative ease’ ... and then it turns out it’s dinesh’s laptop and i’m like, ah, okay, less impressive then XD

...there’s no way that the girls in jian-yang’s ‘coding class’ were stupid enough to believe that writing fake amazon reviews constitutes ‘coding’. not in fucking 2019.

i’m mad.

god this has lowered my expectations of the series finale SO MUCH which i guess may be a good thing because, y’know, there’s less capacity for disappointment now.

IT’S OKAY.

IT’S OKAY.

EVEN IF THE SERIES ENDS ON A SHIT NOTE, WE HAD FIVE AND A HALF SEASONS OF SHOW THAT RANGED FROM FUCKING AMAZING TO NOT AS GOOD BUT STILL ALRIGHT.

and i have a whole imagination’s worth of potential fan content to be created once the show’s over. i don’t know how long this sv love affair will last but i sure fucking intend to keep it alive as long as i can.

on the topic of fan content, if you’re interested in making sv fan stuff and receiving it as a christmas/holiday gift, please consider signing up for the silicon valley secret santa/gift exchange that i’m running :))) the official blog for it is @svexchange2k19 and the sign-up form is here

[ramblian]

Jericho Thoughts

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh

okay so. i’m rewatching jericho. i first watched it sometime around 8th-9th grade, I think maybe somewhere in the first half of 2014. I basically remembered this: the main character was the black sheep of the family, he came back to town, and atomic bombs destroyed most of the US, and the show was about the town dealing with the aftermath. the guy from continuum and one ep of flashpoint played a character i liked named dale (eric knudsen) who liked a popular girl who ended up befriending him, and the asking-for-flowers flashpoint ep guy was the responsible brother. Someone used to be a teacher. The main character looked like Skeet Ulrich, but i didn’t know who that was, just the name.

turns out the main character WAS Skeet Ulrich, and 2 characters (heather and emily) used to be teachers, and i apparently forgot almost all of the major characters. I’ve been rewatching it with the knowledge of which characters die, so that’s good. the show is really good, and it’s really intense. I’m almost done, and it’s tough to keep watching both because it’s so intense and because i know a character i like is about to die tragically. 

watching this show makes me so TENSE. i think it really got bad when goetz showed up and i knew bonnie’s death was coming up. i’ve been watching the same episode for like an hour and i started 6 minutes in from another viewing. i don’t know why i’m so stressed. well actually i do it’s because things in this show are AWFUL but i know that no one dies after bonnie.

i also really like that the plot is very much what drives the show. romantic relationships somewhat matter (eric/april/mary, dale/skylar, and stanley/mimi in particular get screentime, while jake’s relationships with emily and heather are there and meaningful but not something that drives the story or gets a lot of attention. dale and eric’s relationships have also been less important in season 2) but they are regularly sidelined while the character deal with the latest crisis. characters have backstories that aren’t always super expanded on, like johnston’s chaotic neutral dad or stanley and bonnie’s parents, because they don’t have a meaningful impact on the plot- how mimi grew up isn’t going to change how the Greens deal with food shortages. 

also, i love that it’s a post-apocalyptic show where there’s a lot of fighting and lawlessness and not once have they used rape as a plot device. the closest it ever came to being mentioned was when maggie, a survivor pretending to be military to get towns’ supplies, said that ‘out there, men only want women for one thing’ and that’s IT. i respect that so much. way too many shows and books and movies are like ‘things are bad... and we can only express that through rape’ but this show never does

also the grey morality is very well done in season 1 (the bad guys are clearer in season 2). characters fight and do shitty things because everyone is just trying to survive. Constantino was wrong to start a war with Jericho, but i also understand where he was coming from. Ravenwood ransacked New Bern and left them with almost nothing, and Jericho never bothered to warn them. There were some people considering not honoring the deal to repay the windmills in food. New Bern was on the brink of destruction and Constantino tried to get the resources for survival where he could, by force. The thing with the refugees too. There isn’t really enough food for everyone, and it’s true that Jericho’s been getting a lot of refugees when it’s barely managing to sustain its own population. Some of the refugees have been stealing from them, and sometimes you have to make tricky decisions to survive. But the refugees are also probably going to die if they get sent away, and understandably they cannot accept that. they’ve been stealing food to prepare for this possibility, and they are willing to be violent to secure their place because jericho is much better off than just about anywhere else and they don’t want to die. Roger gets in a fight with Gray and accidentally shoots him, but then actively chooses to hold him at gunpoint and refuse him medical help unless he guarantees the safety of the other refugees. That’s obviously awful- but he’s also trying to protect the lives of the 50 innocent people he brought here. In the end, the refugees get to stay because some Jericho residents volunteer to share their rations, but Roger does not because he obviously committed a terrible crime. He’s not a bad person, but of course he can’t just be forgiven and integrated back into Jericho like nothing happened, and he accepts that and leaves with only a gun from Jake to protect himself because at least the others and emily will be safe. 

also that emily and roger’s relationship wasn’t made meaningless in order to further her relationship with jake even despite their history as high school sweethearts.

oh god i just watched the scene where stanley’s talking to bonnie in the morgue and it’s so well done and i’m just in bed crying- not sobbing or anything, but plenty of tears. i don’t know what the last show to make me cry like this was; i’ve been watching so much youtube that i haven’t been watching a lot of hard hitting shows lately i guess. Barry was extremely Fucked Up, that might have made me cry, but it might not have- it had me fucked up for weeks, but i don’t know if i cried.

anyway the scene with stanley and bonnie in the morgue is so good. Stanley talking to her like she’s still alive the way they always did for their parents, and talking to her sign language bc that’s her language. Telling her to say hi to their parents. Letting her know that mimi is still alive, that she succeeded in protecting her, and thanking her for it. Still joking around a little even though he’s obviously heartbroken and just being so genuine with her. Neither of them deserved this. 

wow can’t believe heather is a fuckin bootlicker, knowing that the government is extremely corrupt and that she and beck are destroying new bern and choosing to continue to work for that government.

oh beck just has to be some sort of a stupid son of a bitch. absolute goddamn buffoon. siding with the govt, arresting jake in the shadiest way possible in the middle of a crowd, choosing to torture jake (which if he knew a goddamn thing like hawkins did he would know was ineffective), and then thinking that after everything this town and those rangers have done to protect themselves and their loved ones that it was just going to work out for him like the others aren’t going to come for jake immediately and efficiently. i liked beck well enough before but any fondness or respect for him is fucking absolutely gone.

at least eric is really getting to show off his leadership skills now. johnston’s dead, jake’s been arrested/kidnapped, hawkins is busy with other shit. eric’s always one of the second-in-commands but this is one of the few times he’s just plain in command.

“your friends have escalated this to a level i will not tolerate” right but you dragging jake to a fuckin blacksite to torture him was fine???? YOU ESCALATED THIS YOU DUMB STUPID SON OF A BITCH. you have really been given so many chances this season to not serve an evil government and try to protect these people and you’ve failed almost every time, huh? he’d also have to be some sort of an idiot to think that a clearly faked note with jake’s signature saying ‘this bad’ would stop anyone. god i haven’t escalated to hating someone this much so quickly in a long fuckin time.

love how beck is leveraging the entire town of jericho and choosing to oppress them in order to get the rangers to turn themselves in <3 i love punishing innocent people to use them against others just like goetz did last episode <3 what a good guy

i dont know why there are so many beck fics on ao3 because this man fucking sucks. like, can you imagine refusing a whole town food, power, and lights as a bargaining chip, blaming someone else (”don’t forget, you caused this”) and then still thinking you have the moral high ground? incredible mental gymnastics when will beck be in the olympics

heather: your actions are so blatantly terrible that i am just now beginning to consider not defending you to everyone. take responsibility for what you do

beck: hmm. no. my choices are jake’s fault

i know beck is probably going to ‘redeem’ himself by the end of the episode but i don’t fuckin care. too late for him now he can’t just say ‘oops’ and pretend he hasn’t done all of this shit. wild how his actions are now literally being compared to those of nazis during wwii and people still like this guy.

hey do you think beck is an idiot asshole or just pretending to be one for fun

commanding officer: go ahead and destroy everything in the area

beck:  🤔 is killing all those people wrong?

oof rip eric sure is rough when you have to ally with the guy who tortured you and killed your dad to protect ur city but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. also where the hell has dale been? i’ll let it go bc the show isn’t consistent on when he shows up and is a major part of town but in universe it sure is fuckin weird, and you know beck would have dragged him in for questioning too

oh wow beck finally decided to actually try thinking critically and addressing the obvious evidence about cheyenne’s corruption. that makes up for everything and i can stan now /s

‘i’m no longer taking orders from the cheyenne government. i believe it’s corrupt at its core. its actions are criminal’ oh so like everyone’s been telling you this whole time? the actions like the ones you’ve taken, not even at anyone’s command? idiot.

lmao i’m not as opposed to constantino’s methods as the show thinks i’m supposed to be. a revolution against a corrupt, oppressive government is not peaceful. it cannot be. the only good fascist is a dead one.

[yayninjabob]

A story behind a story

I have never wrote 100,000 words of anything in my life and 9 months ago when I first sat down to write Villain: Redux I definitely did NOT anticipate the length it would reach by the end of Part I. Now that it is done though I feel like I can talk about it.  Well not really the story but the story behind the story?  

A very lengthy and personal author's note for Part I: Remote Control

How I started writing again: My relationship with my writing was non existent for years.  I honestly went through a very long drought where I felt like everything I created just sucked so bad and I had zero motivation for creating shit.  I would talk with my therapist or my wife and friends about feeling so out of touch with my creative side and feeling pretty lost without it.  Really, I pretty much felt like it was dead forever.  I eventually started a personal journal again... And little drabbles here and there would come to mind... It felt alright but meh. "What did you enjoy about writing that you still feel is missing?" I was asked. Ffffffuck me I dont know.  Writing as a teen and in my early twenties wasn't something I ever thought about even when I did it every damn day of my life.  I guess I missed having that ongoing plot in the back of my head that I could escape to whenever life was lame. Daydreaming crazy stories as a kid was just my favorite past time and writing went with it.  But I just didnt have any more stories in my head. Nothing new or exciting enough at least. Anyways. January was my dads bday.  2019 and that year my dad asked for something.  Now my dad isn't one to ask for gifts. No, normally he is extremely frustrating and expects everyone to read his mind while saying "I dont care" yet if his gifts dont meet his secretive expectations he gets all butthurt and emo and says that nobody knows him.  Ok but January 2019 he asks me to write him something.   "What?  A story?  A poem?  A birthday card?" "I dont care just write me something." Typical. "I dont care."  Yeah right.  What the hell does he expect from me jeez.... My dad was the OG storyteller in my life- real shit or bullshit- he could spin a crazy story like no one else. My uncles and his friends would sit around smoking and drinking and listening to one wild tale after the next.   He could entertain people for HOURS just with the shit he’d say.  I always thought he'd make a brilliant stand up comedian but my dad would just laugh at the idea. So for his gift I figured I'd retell one of his personal wild tales - his first encounter with a mountain lion at 12 during a hunting trip with my late great uncle Joe who was his adoptive father figure.  Honestly my dad was always so incredibly descriptive and I heard that tale about a bazillion times growing up, and even though he hadnt shared it in probably 15+ years, it was easy to recall. I could just close my eyes and see it clear as day.  I stayed loyal to his story but I used my own words.  It really surprised me how easy I found those words though.  Writing had been such an impossible challenge for so long yet when I finished the short story I had written 12 pages in a single afternoon and I was shocked but in a good way.  It was his story so I was pretty sure he would like it. He's got a pretty big ego lol. I typed it up on the typewriter my dad had gotten me back when I was a teen and serious about becoming a "real writer."  I figured he would appreciate that.  I gave him the story on his birthday.  He didnt read it right away. We went to the backyard and the two of us shared a joint and while I started chasing the dogs in the yard for a bit I saw he finally picked the story up. And when he finished he started crying. Which is always weird when it's your dad right?  He isn't one to cry easily. Last time I saw tears in his eyes was three years prior at my wedding but even that wasnt like this.  He told me "You need to write again.   You need to try." But I still felt like I couldn't. I never really thought I was good at it anyway.  Sure, people told me they liked my writing and it meant a lot that my dad was moved so much by my short story that I started to believe “hey maybe I can write,” but... I dunno.  I had a rough idea for an original novel that I sat down with later that month and tried to work out... But it just felt forced and uninteresting.  It wasnt a story my mind could just escape to effortlessly.  The passion just wasnt there. After a while my wife suggested to me "Well when you retold your dad's story that was easier right?  Maybe you should retell another story that you love." And so in August 2019 I sat down and wrote what would eventually become the scarring scene for Villain: Redux

Part I:  Remote Control I spent the rest of August, September and October slowly falling back into my old world of Villain.  I reread both Villain and VillainE for the first time in yeeeeeears.  What. A. Trip. So much stood out to me that was like "Ok young me, I see where you were going but this could be so much better."  I made my list of what I liked and what I wanted to change.. Constructed my outline and then I just went for it.   Halloween night that year was spent finishing my first draft of chapter 1.  It was still in Buttercup's limited POV.  I liked it OK enough but I wondered if it would be improved if I tried third person instead.  I said "fuck it why not" and went for it again but in third person, adding the beginning history of Townsville and then the opening scene with Mojo.   When I finished it I was pretty amused with it and I found myself just starting right away on chapter 2 and adding even more details to my overall outline- it became a trilogy.  It was flowing SO easy and for once writing didnt feel like some forced chore I was performing.   The entire time though I debated whether or not to share any of it.  I didn't think anyone would read it.  But personally, I was falling in love with my new rendition and I really didn't want to stop writing it. So once again I said "fuck it why not" and I started this tumblr to start documenting my new commitment to rewriting Villain for good.  I edited the first chapter and uploaded it a couple days before Thanksgiving. And the support I got from readers honestly made me cry haha... I really really thought the story would go unnoticed.  After all, when I first started writing for the PpG fandom it was always an uphill battle and 90 percent of my first reviews were just flames and criticism.  The original Villain really took a while to gain much of a readership and even though it had its moment of somewhat popularity in the fandom, that moment came after it was completed. A brief glance at the PpG section on FFnet showed me that things really hadnt changed- still 99 percent PpGxRrB romances.  Man, it just seemed so unfair. I freaking love this show and TBH I will never understand the fandom's fixation on those damn Rowdyruffs.  Whatever.  It is what it is.  But because of that and because I hadnt been an active writer in the fandom for like a decade I really thought I'd be lucky to get one review.   And I did!  On the first day!  And I was PUMPED lol.   Then over the next couple of days I got more and most from names I recognized from the past!  I was so touched by some of the things you guys said, you will have no idea what those first 7 reviews meant to me.  And of course the reviews to follow throughout the next chapters only continued to motivate me further. And now I'm done with Part I.  Jeez what a freaking journey.  I feel like I've learned a lot though and I hope that the story only improves from here.   Today, this story invades my subconscious more than I would like to admit.  But.  It is so nice to have an exciting story to escape to once more.  And I feel like I can say that my creative drive is finally restored again which feels amazing.  Who knew it would be this rewrite of all things to do it. So yeah.  I owe the biggest thanks to my readers (the reviewers especially), my wife, and of course my dad.   I know we are just at the beginning of this story, but personally I just feel like I've accomplished more than I could've imagined already... like I said... 100,000 words is something I’ve never done before lol.  And I cant wait to share the rest of the story with everyone.   Anyways that’s my long soppy backstory on how I decided to rewrite Villain.  Thanks for reading. :)

[groundramon]

So curiouscat has stupid short reply lengths so i had to post this here

Tw for: bullying, fatphobia, discussion of sexual harassment (oh it feels good to have enough characters to write a proper tw)

So it might surprise ppl to know that my favorite frontier character is JP, the raging heterosexual. But like, to me...hes so much more than that. JP is a character that I saw so much of myself in. His social isolation from his peers, leading him to push away others to avoid getting hurt...its not that people outwardly bully him, its that no one sees behind his surface and nobody bothers to truly care about him. People only recognize him as the class clown - no one actually wants to hang out with him. And that...that hit me HARD as a kid. It was the experience i had growing up. I wasn't outright bullied, I just felt...excluded. Judged. I wanted friends but was too afraid of being judged or excluded. And sometimes it caused me to be dismissive of genuinely good people. And quite frankly, that's STILL a problem I have, not even a year after an exfriend of 7 years said that our interests were one of the things driving us apart. My intense fear of being ridiculed for my interests drove me as a kid, and sometimes even now as an adult, to completely stop caring what my peers thought about anything. For all intents and purposes, im a bit of a hipster - i hate on what's popular and i tote my more obscure interests. Because I feel like that's the only way. Obviously i have fairly mainstream interests but lemme tell ya, i went to a christian school in the late 2000s/early 2010s - goddamn pokemon was obscure/counter-culture in a setting like that. But despite my desperate attempts not to care, I DO care, just like JP. It fuckin stung. And now i have depression and social anxiety whoops. Honestly ngl, it got so bad that I genuinely projected that it was implied JP was isolated for being fat/not conventionally attracted, until i was like "wait a minute...frontier didnt go that hard"

But what makes JP such a tragic character to me now is that at the end of Frontier nowadays when i watch it, im left asking myself....DID JP make any friends?

I know JP is a raging heterosexual but quite frankly, he is dealt such a shitty, judgemental hand for an innocent crush. JP's most nsfw fantasy is marrying Zoe and holding her hand, like... And yet, despite this, he's accused time and time again of being a perv. JP is, well, a big fuckin guy. As such, he thinks "its probably a good idea to let all my friends climb up this latter before me, so i dont crush them all if i fall - plus ill look chivalrous too!" But he unfortunately forgets that Zoe has a skirt on and, y'know, not pants. I understand Zoe's hesitation completely - i wouldnt trust a man who kept hitting on me either. Her relationship with JP is completely justified. Like, its not like JP doesn't take no for an answer - he just still has a crush on her. Yes he should probably give it a rest but like, he's 13 and his most nsfw fantasy is to hold hands and marry and respect his crush. Inb4 you say "but its a kids show of course it is-" literally everything about Zoe is sexualized so no the fuck its not lol

What gets me the most though is the beach episode... again, not because of Zoe. She thinks someone has peeped on her (understandable but it was a digimon) and confronts them about it. But koji and takuya IMMEDIATELY suspect JP, and only believe his immediate denial when Tommy points out that JP was with them the whole time. Like first of all, YOU FORGOT HE WAS THERE??? it took the baby of the group pointing that out for you to remember???? Second of all, JP has never done anything to warrant not being believed - again for zoe id understand, a bitch has gotta be weary, but not for the guys? And thirdly, and perhaps most importantly of all, YOU GUYS CONSIDER SOMEONE YOU'D EASILY SUSPECT OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT YOUR "FRIEND"???? i would NEVER be friends with someone who i could see sexually harassing another one of my friends!! What the shit!! I realize they're kids but GEEZ. And i know its implied JP only cares about the perpetrator because he likes Zoe but idc, despite being persistent in his crush JP has literally NEVER done ANYTHING to disrespect women. And if the scene where takuya and jp run into Zoe's changing room to see whats wrong after she screams counts - well lol takuya was there too.

Zoe was dealt a terrible hand by the writers (worse than JP imo) so I understand people being weary of JP, but - in the dub at least - he literally did nothing wrong... dont confuse the writers sexualizing zoe and being misogynistic with JP sexualizing zoe and being misogynistic.

And im gonna say it - JP is only treated this way cuz hes fat lol. Its not a coincidence that the only MC in the digimon anime who's treated like a perv (despite the fact that they failed in writing one, cuz hes not a perv) is the fat guy. Japan LOVES the fat otaku stereotype (America, look what you did, you made it fatphobic) and in JP's case he's treated completely differently because he's fat. Takuya doesn't have an explicit crush on Zoe but just look at how he treats her vs JP. And which one is demonized lmao? Like, frontier has major problems in general, but to me this isnt a coincidence.

Also, I think JP's crush on zoe is initially just flirting/wanting to impress a girl to fill the void in his heart, but then he genuinely comes to respect her and like her for who she is. He likes that she's kind but stands up for herself and even though he's hopelessly infatuated with her, he just wants her to be happy, even if its not with him. He relates to her struggles to fit in despite not understanding how someone so beautiful and charismatic (in his eyes) could be disliked by her peers.

Hackers Memory discussion coming up, but the spoilers are minor/vague. Frank discussion of sexual harassment and...pedophilia i guess? But its like...ephebophilia, not literal children.

I realize the Story games and the anime are two different beasts entirely, and Cyber Sleuth especially is targeted at an older audience. BUT... compare how JP is treated in Frontier to how Chitose and even Keisuke are treated in HM. Chitose goes after countless women and isn't even reprimanded for going after someone he considers a CHILD. To clarify - Ryuji and Chitose both call Arata a child. Arata is canonically older than Yuuko. Chitose flirts with Yuuko. It is gross. Like he gets the physical embodiment of the cold shoulder and you get to insult him for it, but that's not proper reprimanding. In comparison, yes JP is older than Zoe...by a year/grade. But JP gets accused of SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY HIS "FRIENDS" and Chitose just gets "haha good ol chitose, hes a wild one." Plus i think Chitose and JP get the shit smacked out of each other an equal amount of times in the story, which like...one of these people is worse than the other!

Then there's Keisuke, the protagonist of HM, who's significantly better than Chitose but still gets dirty thoughts about Yuuko and is only reprimanded by Erika. And honestly I love Erika but HM plays up the tsundere heterosexual couple aspect. So imagine the only person who calls you out on your shit is your fucking love interest, who also beat the shit out of you with a plush toy for entering her room without knocking, not knowing anyone was in there (id say hes not a playboy but considering he befriends a stranger to practice "getting chicks" at chitose's recommendation, hes totally a playboy) and yet all she does when you start thinking weird shit about Yuuko is be like "hey. Stop that. Get some help"

Also Erika's best friend is chitose so like, someone save this poor girl PLEASE

But my point is that Chitose is conventionally attractive and...well they play up the idea that Keisuke isn't but hes not conventionally unattractive like JP is.

Gee, i wonder why they're treated differently? /s

TLDR: JP drinks respecting women juice and i kin him