#fuck. can you guess how incredibly badly I did in ethics class? 🙃

[running-in-the-dark]

okay I've got more to say on redemption and forgiveness because it confuses me so much

there's plenty of people who've done bad things to me in the past. and I've moved on. but I don't see the point in forgiving them? like. I've accepted what happened, it's not affecting my life anymore, I don't think about it often. but I still think it's wrong and not okay what they did, and when I talk about it I get upset, because it was upsetting. I don't see what forgiveness would change about that. like. if these specific people proved to me that they've changed, realised what they did wasn't good, and acted differently from then on, it would be okay, I'd maybe feel a bit better (but it wouldn't change the things they've done in the past because they have already happened and nothing will change that). but I don't think of that as forgiveness?

like I just. don't understand it? people have tried to explain it to me a lot in the past and I guess I understand what the idea is, and letting go of things is good of course, but it's. just that idea that you need to do this one specific thing so you (and possibly the other person) can move on. and that's what I don't understand. maybe what people mean is just. that they realise it's different now and they don't hold a grudge against the other person for what they did? but I just. damn no maybe I'm really just stupid.

(like as an example: my ex best friend turned out to be a really shitty friend and basically abandoned me after my dad died. nothing she could ever do would make that okay? it wouldn't take anything that happened away? I might feel less negatively towards her but. it has happened. it is done. I have experienced the results from it and it wouldn't make a difference if she apologised to me. I sort of understand why she did it, it fits with all her previous behaviours, and there's nothing that would change that. now, if it was like. someone accidentally hitting you with their car and they explained that they suddenly went blind or something and that's why it happened, that's different, but again what does forgiveness actually do in that situation? it's not their fault in the first place, they don't need to be forgiven, yes of course I get that it would make them feel less guilty but. I don't understand how/why, I guess)

(and I don't mean I won't ever talk to someone who's wronged me again, it's the opposite of that. if they show or tell me that they've understood what they did was wrong and I can see that it's true and they've changed their behaviour then it's fine! but if I don't want them in my life anymore that's also fine. I'm not some sort of judge who gets to decide if they've improved enough to be forgiven or something, me saying that wouldn't change who they are and it wouldn't change how I feel about them. it's just that.. focus on this one specific thing, on declaring yeah I forgive you it's fine now, that I don't get. I guess)