#fuck it. it’s been like 72 hours since i last ate an actual meal. i’m making the mac and cheese and if it makes me sick

[fingertipsmp3]

Do I eat something and risk being sick or do I not eat and probably end up feeling even more sick than I do right now

[thatsamericano]

Confidant by Accident

Pairings/Characters: America/Romano, Lithuania POV.

Ratings/Warnings: Teen, only for cursing. No warnings other than mild angst.

Word Count: 1838

Summary: After America rejects Romano’s offer of leftover lasagna in favor of a chocolate bar, Romano needs to vent to someone. Lithuania ends up being the perfect sounding board.

A/N: Takes place right after this week’s episode/Chapter 72 of Hetalia World Stars. Will be up on AO3 soon.

Lithuania was too busy helping America move heavy cardboard boxes to say anything when Romano appeared in the doorway. He could only glance over as he was setting down a box and wonder why Savino wouldn’t just walk into the room instead of barely letting his head peek in through the doorway. He was acting shy, which wasn’t like him at all.

But then it started to make sense. Savino was worried about Alfred working too much, though he hid his concern by bragging about his two-hour lunch break. (Which was frankly excessive, in Tolys’s opinion. Not that anyone had asked him.) When America admitted he hadn’t really sat down for lunch in a long time, Romano offered him homemade lasagna. Making that particular meal took a while, and Lithuania was a little surprised Romano would spontaneously offer it to America. Even if it was leftovers that he couldn’t finish himself.

America was surprised too, and Romano misinterpreted his reaction. By this time, Tolys was moving another box, but he didn’t have to see Savino’s face to hear how his voice got quieter and how he almost sounded hurt, as if America had rejected something more important than leftovers. Lithuania frowned as he set the box down and glanced back and forth between them.

Alfred thanked Savino for his offer, but he didn’t seem to pick up on how bothered Savino was. It wasn’t out of any ill intent. Tolys had been living with Alfred with a while, and if he had learned one thing about his employer, it was that he often seemed to miss the social intricacies that seemed so clear to others, especially when he was focused on something else.

Right now, he was focused on brandishing a chocolate bar. He pulled the chocolate bar seemingly out of nowhere, winked, then chomped into it in a way that was strangely… flirtatious? It was almost like he was trying to impress Savino, either with the mere fact he had a chocolate bar or the overdramatic way that he ate it. Lithuania didn’t understand how either of those things could be impressive, but it seemed to be working on Romano.

Savino was enraptured by Alfred’s odd display. His eyes were wide, his lips were parted, and, most tellingly of all, a reddish blush formed on his cheeks. But by the time America was looking at him again, Romano’s mask was back in place. He smiled weakly at America as he left the room, and once he was gone, America sighed fondly.

“Vinny worries way too much, doesn’t he?” He went back to his “multi-tasking,” which was clearly just trying to do too much at once. Currently it involved talking on the phone, doing paperwork, and attempting to eat a chocolate bar all at the same time.

Lithuania continued the single task America had assigned him. He grunted as he lifted a particularly hefty box. “About you especially.”

Alfred hummed in agreement, and Tolys caught a glimpse of his face as he passed by with the box. America’s expression was inexplicable but not something Lithuania had never seen before. Despite the person currently berating him on the phone and the mountain of paperwork he had to complete, Alfred seemed almost blissful. He’d seemed blissful a few weeks ago, on a much slower day, when Lithuania had caught him sitting next to the couch, where Romano was taking his customary afternoon nap. His hand was inching towards Romano’s hair, but when he heard Lithuania’s footsteps, America whirled around with a panicked expression on his face and insisted that he’d only been checking to make sure Savino was breathing, since he’d gone awfully still for a second. He wasn’t watching Savino sleep or considering playing with his hair, because that would’ve been creepy and weird, and Alfred wasn’t a creepy weirdo, okay, Tolys?

Back then, all Tolys had been able to do was nod even if he knew Alfred had been lying. Now, all he could do was puzzle over America’s odd behavior as he kept helping him move boxes.

Tolys stretched his stiff, aching muscles after he’d placed the last box. “I’m done moving the boxes, Al.”

“Really? Thank you, that was very helpful.” America was working his way through a large stack of paperwork, but he managed to look up and give Lithuania a sincere smile. “You can take a break for a while now if you want. You’ve earned it.”

“What about you?”

The phone rang again, and Alfred shrugged before he picked it up and answered with a cheerful voice that belied how exhausted he must truly be. Lithuania knew America couldn’t be convinced, so he left the room and made his way towards the kitchen.

Romano was at the stove, scraping lasagna out of the pan and muttering to himself. When he got closer, he could hear that he was ranting about America. “Fucking idiot, won’t even let me take care of him. Then he has the nerve to wink at me and eat his mass-produced, shitty chocolate, which is not even half as nutritious as my lasagna.”

Lithuania grimaced. “Hey, Romano.”

“Hey.” Savino cast him a tired glance. “You want something?”

“I, uh, know I wasn’t the person you actually offered leftovers, but I think America’s gonna be chained to his desk all day. I figured you wouldn’t want all that food to go to waste.”

Savino snorted. “There’s enough here for two Americas. Get yourself something to drink, and I’ll fix you a normal-sized plate.”

“Thanks.” Lithuania poured himself a glass of wine, which was what Romano usually took with his lunch, and yawned. “Man, I’m beat.”

“You guys have been really busy today, huh?”

Lithuania smiled faintly at the tinge of concern in Romano’s voice. “Yeah. Alfred’s been way more swamped than me. He can’t even end a phone call without someone else calling him five seconds later.”

“He should have put me on the phone, so I could tell them to fuck off and leave him alone.” Romano got a fork out of the drawer, set it on the plate, and handed the lasagna to Lithuania.

Lithuania chuckled as he walked towards the kitchen table with his glass and plate. Romano followed him. “I don’t think that would lead to good business relations,” he teased.

Romano huffed in annoyance. “It might lead that idiota to eat an actual goddamn lunch for once in his life. He can’t subsist on fumes and chocolate bars forever.” Lithuania sat down at the table, and Romano sat across from him.

He took a bite, chewed it slowly, then swallowed. “Romano, Alfred… he wasn’t trying to insult you. He loves your food. I’m sure, if he wasn’t so busy—”

“That’s not the fucking problem, okay?”

“Okay.” Tolys knew that, especially with Savino, sometimes it was better not to push. Forcing the issue would only make him more defensive. For the next several minutes, he only heard the scrape of his fork across the plate, his own chewing, and wine sloshing in the glass as he sipped it between bites. The silence was awkward, but Lithuania could endure it.

Eventually, Savino broke. He put his elbows on the table, gripped his hair in his fists, and started talking. “Sometimes, Fredo frustrates the hell out of me. I can’t hate him, but I hate the shit he does.”

Obviously, he didn’t hate Alfred if he was giving him a nickname and offering him leftover lasagna, but Lithuania wasn’t tactless enough to point that particular absurdity out. He dabbed at his mouth with his napkin. “What does Alfred do that bothers you?”

“It’s what he doesn’t do. He looks at me, but he never really sees me. Ever. I’m around the guy practically 24/7, and somehow he’s too oblivious to pick up on the fact I fucking—” Romano paused, then shot Lithuania a look that communicated everything his fear refused to let him voice out loud. “That I care about him.”

Lithuania thought over everything that had happened today, and everything else he’d noticed since Romano moved into America’s house. “I think Alfred cares about you. But sometimes, he cares about you so much that he can’t see you caring about him too. Like today, with the chocolate bar. He would’ve probably preferred the lasagna, but he had something else to eat, and he didn’t want to make you go out of your way for him.” Or the fact that in his own clumsy, bizarre way, Alfred had been trying to flirt with Savino when he winked at him and bit into that chocolate bar. The fond gleam in America’s eyes as soon as Romano left the room, that was often there when Savino wasn’t looking directly at him. The way Alfred instinctively pulled Savino closer if they were walking through a dark, narrow street after spending the evening at a speakeasy. The fact that he would’ve sat beside the couch, gently running his fingers through Savino’s hair and watching him sleep if Tolys hadn’t walked into the living room at the exact wrong moment.

Care didn’t cover how America felt, and even love, that word Romano refused to say, paled in comparison. Devotion was the closest term, and it was growing steadily every day. But that devotion was concealed and unspoken, and it wasn’t Lithuania’s place to say anything for America. Even if today had made it abundantly clear that Savino reciprocated those feelings, despite his occasionally prickly demeanor.

Gradually, Romano loosened his grip on his hair. He put his hands down in front of the table and sighed.

“Why the hell did he whip out the chocolate bar, bite it, and pose afterwards? Showy asshole.” Romano was blushing again and avoiding Lithuania’s eyes, but he didn’t seem quite as troubled as before. He didn’t sound particularly irritated either.

Tolys shrugged. “You’d have to ask him. I can’t read Alfred’s mind.” He could put the clues together, and the clues all added up to one conclusion. But that conclusion, inconveniently, wasn’t his secret to share.

Lithuania finished his meal, and he carried his empty plate, fork, and wine glass to the sink. “Thanks for fixing lasagna for lunch. It was delicious, and it was a nice thing for you to do.”

Romano had gotten up at the same time he had, and now, he was standing near the broom he’d left by the pantry door. “Thanks for talking to me about stuff,” he said quietly. Savino was clearly embarrassed by their conversation, and by what he’d nearly confessed. Lithuania knew he couldn’t make a big deal out of it. Forcing the issue would only make things worse, not better.

“No problem.”

Savino smiled genuinely, if not joyfully, when he carried his broom out of the room to sweep elsewhere. Tolys cleaned the dishes and fork he’d used, and he resolved to put this matter out of his mind until Savino (or perhaps Alfred, at some point in the future) needed him to be a confidant once again.

[beth-is-trash]

Get To Know Me

1. What’s your first name? Bethany

2. What are you listening to right now? Palette by IU ft G-Dragon

3. What was the last thing you ate? 3 Haribo Strawbs 

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My Mother

5. Do you drink? Occasionally

6. Do you smoke? Never.  

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Shoes and smile

8. What is your hair color? Right now it’s blue and purple, but is naturally a dark ashy brown

9. What is your eye color? Green

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? Contacts

11. Dogs or cats?  cats

12. What’s your favorite animal? wolves

13. What’s your favorite television show? Right now, it’s probably How To Get Away With Murder, but The Mighty Boost is always a good fall back if I want something mindless/background noise

14. What’s your favorite movie? The Nightmare Before Christmas

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? Dude so many, but anytime I hear Jin’s voice it kills me and I am so proud of him

16. How old are you?  21 (fuck I’m old)

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? Does Jin count? Because it’s been him for the last four years

18. What’s your sexual orientation? Pan

19. What’s your favorite color? Any shade of blue and pastel pinks/purples

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? my entire existence.

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? I wish I was a better version of myself, because even though I really don’t like myself I don’t know how to be anyone else

22. What were you like when you were a kid? Definitely more outgoing and trusting than I am now, but life changes people

23. What would your dream house be like? Somewhere with lots of natural light and clean, open space, and a really big kitchen

24. What last made you laugh? that ‘onionhasheyo’ post

25. What is your favorite word? hmmmmm... cosy?

26. What is your least favorite word? crusty, when not used in relation to bread

27. What turns you on? Playfulness, affection, good manners  (is that weird?)

28. What turns you off? being patronised, someone assuming that I owe them anything, demanding respect and not earning it

29. What is your star sign? Capricorn

30. What are your favorite books? Anything by Derek Landy, he’s a YA author, but is so sarcastic and actually knows how to write dialogue the way people speak. I highly recommend that you look him up!

31. Do you have any siblings? One older sister

32. Do you like to dance? YES! I’m great at choreoghraped dances but don’t really freestyle (i get super anxious and I’me really self-conscious)

33. What is your definition of cheating? Flirting or texting with intent (sexting, suggestive text, exchanging pictures) and anything physical

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? No. I know how heart-breaking it is to be cheated on. If I lost interest in the relationship or needed time or to get out, I’d just confront it head on. But when I want to date someone, it’s because I can see myself in a long relationship with them.

35. Do you regret anything? so many things, mainly allowing myself to be pushed around by my family.

36. Do you have any phobias? spiders. and death. mostly dying alone. (thanks, psychology teacher)

37. Ever broken any bones? wrist, knuckles, a toe. possibly my nose ( I was really young for that one)

38. Ever come close to death? yes.

39. What is your religion, if any? I float around the Greek system

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? Not really, but I probably should.

41. Are looks important in a relationship? I’d say initially, yes. Because that’s usually how you become interested in a person, right? But when I get to know more about a person is when I fall in love.

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? My mother, although I’d rather be like neither of them.

43. What is your favorite season? WINTER

44. Do you have any tattoos? 4

45. Do you have any piercings? ears and nose

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? any that I consider serious/lasted longer than 3 weeks? 0 (see question 54 for why none have lasted past that mark)

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? yup

48. Who is your celebrity crush? Kim Seokjin, Kim Hyoyeon, Lili Reinhart

49. Are you a virgin? No

50. Do you get jealous easily? I try not to be, but abandonment issues, so...

51. What is your favorite type of food? Frozen fruit 52. Do you ever want to get married? I think I’d like to, but it all depends on meeting the right person

53. Who was your first kiss with? some guy in primary school

54. Have you ever been cheated on? yes

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? picnics, fairgrounds, takeout in blanket forts watching movies

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? ambivert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? yes

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? I’d like to be able to sing well.

59. What is your saddest memory? My grandmother dying, she was the person I wast closest to in my family and one of two people who ever supported me. I was 8.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes

61. Do you believe in soul mates? I’d like to

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? I’ve been dying my hair since I was 13

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? Yeah, several from several people.

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? Let’s be realistic, it depends on the issue at hand and the money being offered. I’m human, after all.

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?

I mean, there are two people who know about this, but I have an eating disorder

I’m terrified of failure and of falling in love, because I don’t believe that anyone would even look my way

I’m on the verge of a breakdown 98% of the time.

66. Who are you jealous of? anyone with confidence. examples: @questionable-mash and @angelfacehobi

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? no

68. How long was your longest relationship? three weeks

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? half empty, because over time the contents diminishes.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Honestly I have no fucking clue.

71. Who are your closest friends? @angelfacehobi, @questionable-mash, @worthyourweightinfanfiction and my friend who lives in Busan

72. Are you in a relationship? No

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? N/A

74. Are you a bad person? I’d like to say no, but I probably am

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? 70/30 l/f

76. What did you do on your last birthday? Had absinthe cocktails and tequila shots then went to work

77. What is your favorite quote and why? Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? clear their search history

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? I would have told my family to fuck off when they bullied me into making decisions that fucked my life up.

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? eat

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? I’ve had this nightmare since I was a child that I’m running through this flat expanse of land that is filled with bridges and I’m being chased by a monster that turns into the material of each bridge it runs under to catch me.  And there was this one time I had a dream that some guy I knew sacrificed me to a horde of zombies for a happy meal on the steps of a tower in a decaying castle.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? Probably in a relationship, if I had a decent one.

83. Who were you in a past life? no clue

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? cooking with my grandmother, and my dance classes

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? yeah

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? yep

87. If you were the president, what would you do? hand power to someone better suited for it and who had ideals I agreed with

88. What is your ideal career? author

89. What is your political affiliation? left

90. Are you conservative or liberal? liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? every body that I’m attracted to, this is all subjective

92. Do you like kissing in public? depends on the length of the relationship and the level of said kissing

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? one thing? make abortion legal everywhere.

94. Where would you like to live? Korea and I have plans.

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Korea, Japan, Bora Bora and I’d definitely go back to Crete!

96. Describe yourself in one word. wrong.

97. Describe yourself in one sentence. I may not look like it, but I feel very deeply.

Tagging @gigglyoongi, @starwburrycutiepie and @mymisstina ~ let’s get to know each other  better

[dreamless-sleeps]

My chest feels tight tonight so here’s what caused it

My mom and I don’t get along, she’s emotionally abusive and has ignored me when I was suicidal and self harming (when I was younger). She taught me the only person I could ever depend on is myself, her exact wording. She taught me it so well that it’s physically impossible to depend on others? Haven’t ate for the past week because you don’t have enough money in college? Bank overdrafted? Don’t drive and college is a two hour drive from your nearest relative and you need to get the fuck out the dorm? Oh well, your problem, you can’t expect anyone to drop what they’re doing. Don’t ask for help and figure it out.

While having panic attacks over the last two weeks, at some point I called my dad. He calmed me down and all but begged me to come to his house this summer which is three states away from where I live currently. My current plan was to stay with my Aunt until the summer session started in two and a half weeks but after crying through my last paper for a class I realized all my summer classes were online. I’d have to pay for housing, a meal plan, etc, if I lived on campus. More money I’d owe. Where could I stay instead ???

My Mom wants me to stay with her. If I stay with her I’d be expected to work, pay bills, complete most the housework, do my online classes and be the babysitter to my younger siblings- ALL WHILE TAKING IN A FULL SUMMER COURSELOAD. I don’t have a room, a bed, or anything in her husband’s house because that is not my home. I’m not entirely welcome because I don’t get along with him and have gotten into physical altercations with him most of my early teen years.

My Dad would pressure me into getting a job but wouldn’t force me, my step mom would insist upon it for the full two months of me being there. I don’t have a room because they just moved houses and downgraded a room or two. I would probably be in charge of my younger siblings and a portion of the housework but nothing to the extent that my mother would push me towards. If I end up sleeping on the couch, which I will. I will have to wake up before ten, and have the same rules applied to me as the eight year old even though I’m nineteen. I can’t even stand up while eating. That’s an actual rule.

My Aunt is who I stay with when I come ‘home’ from school. I have never truly asked her for anything and she’s had to offer. She gets upset when I politely ask for food or a drink before taking them. She doesn’t understand that with dad I have to ask if I can have a snack or anything because he wants me to lose weight or that there’s whole sections of the cabinets and fridge that’s off limits at my mom’s. She wants me to spend the summer with her and the girls, her daughters and my honorary nieces, and my mother is campaigning for me to not go back to my dad to whom I had to run away to my senior year.

Background: My mother had moved into her husband’s house my senior year because I made him feel unwelcome and he wanted to live where he was the boss. She took all my siblings. All four of my brothers, actually three because she sent one to my dad because he was unwelcome at her husband’s house and was causing problems. And my two stepsisters, to whom I don’t actually have an emotional attachment to. She stated she would continue to pay rent but wouldn’t provide for me because I had just turned eighteen (Nov). She wouldn’t even buy me pads. She also expected me to pitch in on bills since I wouldn’t camp out on her husband’s couch because I honestly wouldn’t have room anyplace for a bed.No place in our town was hiring. I asked every business. I ended up getting a job the town over. I mapped out bus routes to get to my interview and shifts but my Aunt insisted on taking me so she did the first week of shifts. After that I got paid and ubered to and from work on a daily basis because my mom didn’t want to take me. I worked 35+ hours a week not including overtime/picked up shifts. I spent school nights at work until one in the morning with only a fifteen minute break to cushion the almost eight hour shift. I was also a dual credit, class president, student council vp, along other things. I was stretched thin and suicidal. When it neared the end of my senior year my mom moved in a family, they were a family I had grown up with but it was odd. It wasn’t my house anymore. I had to clean out my brother’s rooms, my room, and the rest of the house so they could move in. They expected to know when I would leave and come back and the children wouldn’t stay out of my things. When I bought food/toilet paper it wasn’t just mine and they expected for me to share. They also didn’t want me drinking, to which I had picked up on as a way that finally let me sleep. I had spent upwards of 72 hours awake at a time and my mom would buy it for me so there was never a problem before. I wasn’t a sloppy drunk, just a cup of straight grey goose before bed, in my room with the door locked, before bed so I could sleep for work and school the next day. I was on the edge of ending my life because I realized I had to move out before summer started, I couldn’t afford college, I couldn’t afford to live on my own, and I just couldn’t go on on this bitch ass of an earth. My Dad called and asked me my plans and I cried to him everything that had been happening. He had me apply for a school near his house. I could stay with him and go to school. He’d teach me to drive. It sounded like a saving grace, I could finally calm down. I narrowed my belongings down to three boxes and two duffle bags. Mostly clothing and books. I moved down there and all the house rules were thrown at me. I wasn’t expect to pay bills but I was expected to work. It became a daily interrogation. Who did you apply for? Have you called? Why haven’t you got an interview yet? What’s wrong with your resume? I ended up getting a partime job, worked 50 hours a week. Got up before the sun rises, worked until my stepsisters we’re out of school and went home and completed the chores written out on the chore chart for me. I ended up not going to that college and took the semester off to get settled. They came to me with a dilemma, they needed to move and would have to downsize because they couldn’t afford a new house with just as many rooms. I panicked again. I would have to live on my own. I couldn’t drive, my dad drove me to work daily. I could probably barely afford rent if I were to get an apartment. I was going nowhere and it was going way too fast. I called my best friend in tears, this being the third time in our eight year friendship that he’d ever seen me upset let alone crying. He suggested moving back home and going to college here. Live on campus year round, there’s summer classes and it’d be like visiting during the breaks so I wouldn’t have to depend on my family. My best option. My next was being homeless. My first semester was met with nothing but worse obstacles.

My mental health worsened. My grades were suffering, me? The straight A student? The person who had gotten the absolute highest score in the grade when we had state testing? I couldn’t sleep. I spent the nights waking every three hours and struggling to fall back asleep. I couldn’t get to class and I just wanted to die. I feel like now, at the end of the semester, I’m doing okay. I fixed one of my grades and probably failed one (very close to being two depending on my final paper). I aced at least three. And now I’ve been faced with this dilemma. Who would I stay with? My mom? Never, over my dead body. My dad? That’s honestly the plan but I’m having second thoughts. I think my grandma already bought the ticket though so I’d have to go. My Aunt? She’d be the best option and is planning trips for us. I’ve never been on a vacation. She and my uncle offer me money every time I come home- I refuse every time. I’m living at their house for a short while and they provide all the necessities I could ever dream of, I don’t even have to pay for my food at the restaurant. Why would I take the money from them? They don’t want me to work and to enjoy my summer. They don’t think I should be taking summer classes and that I’ve worked hard enough. They’re finishing their basement and offered it to me as a room. They’re being so nice and generous that it hurts my chest. I can’t help but to think of the catch? How many loads of laundry would this entail on a daily? What responsibilities would I have to assume? Taking the kids to the park? Babysitting? Playing maid? No. I know they don’t even let me wash my own clothes while I’m here during the odd week(end) that I appear. I know they don’t want anything and it truly hurts. It physically makes my chest tighten and my lungs ache. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s killing me. How do I get it to stop.