#fuck it we ball - she says as she puts her pride bracelet on for the first time in this godforsaken country-

[fadeintolight]

.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS | EPILOGUE

💖 story masterlist 💖

This is it. This is the happy ending they deserve. Fluff. Fem!Loki, because we don't get enough of Loki's female form. Some musings about relationships in general, I think. Guys, I'm crying as I'm posting this.

note: I've got two posts of outtakes coming out sometime this week. Snippets that didn't fit in the story but that have the needed vibe, y kno? As well as a new story is coming out soon... Be sure to check out my main masterlist and taglist if you like my writing <3

I want to thank all my readers for this amazing journey. I love all of you, really, like- I haven't figured out how to produce serotonin on my own ever since I hit puberty, and you guys, you are an amazing source for it. I appreciate the time and the patience that it took to read this 120k word thing and I hope you found a little something for yourself in my writing. A comfort, maybe, because everyone deserves to be happy. I love you all 3000.

"You suck," I grumbled in Peter's direction. Luckily, the little shit was out of my immediate eyesight and I couldn't just pelt him with the assorted items that were scattered around me; luckily for him - after enduring hours of non-stop rambling from the spider boy, I was ready to bargain with Stephen for the sorcerer to put a temporary mute ban on Pete. His nervousness was becoming contagious.

"And you swallow," Pietro replied with a snicker as I heard him wrestle with Peter's tie over the pathetic noises of whining and grumbling coming from the younger man.

"I'm lady, ladies don't spit," I rolled my eyes into the skies, catching Loki's appreciative snicker. She - and yes, Loki was in her female form for this event - carefully combed and did my hair, something completely out of this world, all puns intended. I supposed she was feeling generous, because her female form generally made Loki even more moody and unapproachable. But in a hot way. I hope she didn't notice me ogling her like some kind of gallery painting. "You're a goddess, I can't believe you're friends with me," I addressed Loki, watching the careful movements of her slender hands in the mirror.

A small smirk and a dusting of pink over her pale cheeks was what I got, but the silence was so, so loud.

"Stop flirting," Wanda remarked from her spot by the window where she was doing Natasha's make-up with surgical precision. "You already have three boyfriends, leave some for us, Jesus," Her tone was playful.

"Oh my God, like you didn't brainfreeze and run into the fucking wall, forehead-first, when you saw Loki walk in," I scoffed as Loki's blush deepened.

My witchy friend grumbled something rude in Sokovian under her breath but refrained from any more comments, choosing to simp in defiant silence. Well, good for her, because I was about a hundred and five percent sure that Loki was as equally as smitten with her. It's just that neither of them knew how to approach the other. What can I say, idiots in love...

And yes, yes, I can say that because it takes one to know one. My own idiots were somewhere on the upper floors - getting ready in their own rooms, pulling out their brand new suits and ties for the annual Stark gala. It was supposed to be a charity fundraiser but as all of us were quite disillusioned, we knew it was nothing but a pissing contest between people with small PP syndrome. Even Tony himself said so.

Which is why I had assembled all the girls and theys in my room for a mission debrief. My own personal pride wouldn't let me be anything but a star, and to be completely honest, I just wanted to show off my family to the world - even if the delicate parts of our relationship were hidden from the general public, it filled me with immense amount of joy to be surrounded by my very own at their absolute best.

As for Pietro and Peter, they arrived not too long after me, Wanda, Natasha and Loki made camp in the biggest room with the most amount of natural light, surrounded by make-up and other assorted tools. Both boys were bickering but it was obvious that some of the older men had gotten on their nerves, forcing the youngsters seek solace with their peers.

"You know, Vanity Fair better be talking about us for at least a week," I grouched as Wanda helped me into my dress before I returned the favour. "The amount of people I had to actually, physically talk to, to get us these fucking gowns, is frankly disgusting."

"Agreed," Loki admired herself in the mirror, smoothing out invisible creases in her gown. "Although I must say, the dressmakers on Midgard are far more patient and open-minded than on Asgard." Truly, Loki had nearly driven the poor lady crazy. But on the upside, Loki looked like a living doll. Pristine, perfect.

"Our whims are their wages," Natasha piped up with a chuckle.

We stepped out into the main room, taking note of the men scattered on the couches, all of them wearing an almost identical expression of being already done with the formal event - which, I didn't blame them. Having gotten used to the informal, communal-living atmosphere, I wasn't overly keen on being surrounded by random rich douchebags either; as it was unavoidable, I was going to be miserable - but at least I was going to be miserable in style.

Predictably, the menfolk froze and hurried to pelt us with compliments as they surveyed our ensemble - all of our dresses had a distinct vibe despite carrying a sense of individuality to each gown. That was my idea, actually, to present the team as a family - both to satisfy my own need for one and to present a good public image for the press. Call it getting good cookie from the public - in advance.

"Stunning, absolutely beautiful," Tony chastely kissed my cheek, leading my by the arm towards the limo, Stephen and Bruce a pace behind us. "I'm the luckiest man in the world."

"We are," Bruce corrected him mutely. Stephen's smirk was a mile wide. "It'll be hard to keep my hands to myself for four hours but I'll manage," The scientist added, eyes briefly flashing a fluorescent green.

"There are children here," Peter interjected, nervously waving a hand. I gently elbowed Tony, speaking with my eyes rather than words, that Pete was in dire need of emotional support for his first big public event. With a sigh, the engineer relocated to sit next to the spider boy, both of them talking in hushed tones.

"Now, Bruce," I smiled innocently. "Why would I refuse a dance or five to my favourite lab partner in crime?" I winked at him as giggles erupted all around us. "And I'm sure there's a point somewhere about wizards sweeping princesses off their feet," I kept up the banter in hopes that any remaining tension would evaporate before we arrive to the venue.

I, however, couldn't lose all of it for we were absolutely assaulted by the photographers and press as we arrived to the red carpet; it was only sheer luck that me and Wanda didn't stumble ass over heels out of the limo. That luck's name was Loki: her magic delicately helped us to exit the car with grace despite our large gowns. Mental note to buy Loki all the chocolate: add to priority list.

It went about as good as it could. Peter was introduced as a trainee - and nearly had an aneurysm when Tony none-too-kindly corrected the host, calling Peter his protégée and successor. As for little old me? Rising star of biochemical engineering. No titles, no direct titles, but it was heavily implied we were involved.

I could fell the old, white rich men leering at me despite the layers of silk and tulle. Nobody was commenting on my champagne intake so I downed one after the other until I had a comfortable buzz going on. I could absolutely see why female scientists became either reclusive or brash.

Bruce's eyes followed me wherever I went. I had encountered some people I vaguely knew from all the socialite events I had to attend with my mother, so it wasn't as if I was a fish out of the water; it's just that every time I strayed further than ten feet from out group, I instantly grew a tail in the form of one of the Avengers.

"Sam, quit being creepy," I exited the ladies room, immediately spying the handsome man just 'casually' hanging out by a potted plant, glued to his smartphone and pretending to be very busy.

He looked up guiltily, shutting down Minesweeper and pocketing the phone. "Not taking any risks this time 'round, Princess," He offered me his arm, leading us back to our table. "Tony would have my head."

I rolled my eyes, falling into the chair next to Stephen. "My tracker implant is still in and the bracelets Natasha loaned me are actually tasers. Bird, chill," My hand snuck under the tablecloth, blindly groping for Stephen's hand. It didn't take much time for him to respond, cradling my smaller palm in his larger one, offering the small comfort with a tiny tilt to his lips. Both my large skirt and the fabric covering the table aided the secrecy; I felt like a middle schooler sneaking a kiss from my first crush behind the bleachers.

Coupled with the bubbles in my champagne, it made me giddy.

"Sam is just being careful, Princess," Stephen rumbled patiently. "This ball will be over soon."

I snorted, "But Stephen, I love balls," Causing the whole table erupt in bashful snickers.

"Yeah, think to me about it," Wanda downed the remnants of her wine glass, eyes wide, looking to the side. The giggling became a full belly-laugh as I didn't have the decency to play coy. I just smirked because, yeah, I did love me some...

The final hour dragged on forever. My feet hurt from the dancing. I had my suspicions that time would pass faster if I actually move around so I didn't waste the chance and cajoled Bruce into several slow dances with me. The energy between us was electric; I hoped my wife eyes and the red crawling up his neck would be attributed to alcohol. We spoke in hushed tones, about nothing in particular, the words being like sticks we threw into our fire.

Tony wasn't around much, way too busy to do much more than stop by our table every now and then. I both envied and admired him; he handled everything with grace and serendipity. Tony was right there next to Thor and Loki - literal royalty - and I had to pinch myself to prevent myself from ogling him, sighing in lovesickness every goddamn minute.

"If you ever stop looking at him like that, I don't think he'll survive," Stephen's tone was cheeky; his eyes were intense as he looked down at me as we danced. My sorcerer was rarely sappy, but when he found the words to describe his feelings... It was serious.

I met his eyes slowly, letting him soak in the very same admiration and awe I felt when I was with him. I felt his shudder, I heard the hitch in his breath. He wasn't jealous, no, he simply observed. I wanted him to see what I saw. "The day that I stop looking at you all like that is the day that I need to get my head screwed on straight." I wasn't a poet but neither was this a romance novel. "As far as I'm concerned, I won the lottery, the grand prize and the fucking life."

He chuckled. "You have way too much faith in us, Princess," Twirling me as to avoid the out of habit embrace.

Did I, though? I was inclined to disagree. Sure, we had our spits and arguments and sometimes Stephen would stick his cold ass feet under my blankets, Bruce's love for curry was a crime against anyone who slept in the same room as he and Tony routinely flirted with everyone and everything that had a pulse. I had days where my mother's temper surfaced.

Sometimes, one of us would inadvertently hog the other person and the remaining two would pout, roll their eyes or pitch a fit.

I just didn't see it as a big deal. All of those parts were normal - what couldn't be said about the rest of our situation. Compared to couples I've seen around, I thought we're happy. My boyfriends seemed to be happy, too, and if they weren't, it usually was pretty obvious.

So - okay, perhaps we definitely should be working on verbalizing our feelings. That would definitely solve if not world hunger, then at least the world war three that occasionally erupted in Tony's penthouse. And the ups and downs - not the steep kind, but ones not too different from waves rolling ashore - was what held us together. Because, well, our world was hectic and fast-paced and sometimes we needed that gentle rocking motion to sway us back to peace.

Tony's arm on my waist pulled me back to reality, steering me towards the balcony. Bruce and Stephen followed, all four of us power-walking through the inebriated crowd.

"Just so you know, I'm on board with whatever crazy shit you're planning," Stephen raised a palm towards a smirking Tony.

His mouth immediately dropped into a pout I could barely resist kissing. "But... I had a whole speech prepared," The engineer retorted indignantly, discreetly attempting to swat the sorcerer on the ass.

"And I'm sure it was amazing, honey," Bruce placated the upset Tony with a laugh, causing the latter to intensify his pout, eyeing us with mirth over the rim of his glasses, his stupid, lovely face more kissable than ever.

@another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads @hermione-grangers-wife @individualistfem @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95 @gladiosamicitias @warrior1-19 @toomanyrobins

[annewritesfic]

Prompt for whenever you want to write it: Kateva wedding?

9 years.

9 fucking years.

When Kate was sixteen, she'd asked Eva out on a date. And a few weeks later, she'd asked Eva to be her girlfriend.

When Kate was twenty, she'd moved in with Eva, in their own apartment.

Six months ago, not long after Kate had turned twenty five, Eva had proposed to her. Through tears, Kate had said yes.

And now Kate was trying desperately to remember how to tie a tie, staring at herself in the mirror, getting ready to marry Eva.

Fuck, I can't believe this is finally happening.

As she attempted the knot for the third time, it occurred to Kate that one of the reasons why she couldn't get it was nerves.

Which was dumb. She didn't have anything to be nervous about. She knew Eva, and she knew everyone who was coming.

And yet.

Kate gave up on the tie for the moment and dug a hand into her hair, staring at herself in the mirror. Nice black suit, untied rainbow tie, a black string bracelet around her wrist.

Her other hand hooked itself around her bracelet, and she stared at it, a weird feeling growing in her chest.

She wanted Chess to be here.

She'd wanted Chess's advice when she was sixteen and trying to convince herself to ask Eva out. She'd wanted Chess there to help her surprise Eva by decorating their first room together when they'd moved in together. She'd wanted to call Chess and tell her she was engaged to Eva after she'd proposed. And now she wanted Chess here, tsking while she fixed Kate's tie and reminded her that everything would be okay, that she and Eva loved each other more than anything.

There was a gentle knock on the door, and Kate jumped before calling "come in!", her voice unusually high pitched. For a moment, she'd irrationally hoped it was Chess, but no. It was Reese.

"Hey, ceremony starts in five minutes," she reminded Kate. "You ready?"

Kate took a deep breath and started fidgeting with her untied tie. "Almost."

Reese shook her head and stepped forward. "Can I...?" At Kate's nod, she started tying the tie, humming under her breath as she did so. "So, are you excited?"

"Dunno how I couldn't be." Kate almost shook out her hands, but decided movement would screw Reese up too much and waited. "I feel like I've been waiting for today since I was sixteen."

"You kinda have." Reese finished the knot and stepped back, and Kate immediately shook out her hands and started bouncing on the balls of her feet. "Are you nervous?"

"A bit," she admitted. "Which is dumb. I know Eva."

"Yeah, well." Reese smiled at her. "Big day. You're allowed to have some nerves."

Kate nodded, her hand falling back to her bracelet. "Reese?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask a weird question?"

"Always."

"D'you think Chess is proud of me?"

Reese put her hands on Kate's shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Chess is so proud of you, Kate. You made it through those fucking sleepovers and you made it through high school and you made it through college and you're about to marry your goddamn soulmate, and she's so fucking proud of you. We all are."

Kate nodded. "Thanks."

"Need a hug?"

"Please."

~

When Eva had told Elena she was crushing on one of the girls from the murder squad, her sister had asked if she was crazy.

Now, she was fixing a few final details to Eva's hair and quadruple checking the fit of her wedding dress.

"Eva, hold still," Elena muttered, and Eva winced as she tugged on a lock of her hair.

"Ow! That hurt!" she complained.

"You're the one who needs to hold still," Elena scolded, moving around to Eva's other side.

Eva grumbled a little, but went silent, lost in her own train of thought. Kate. I'm... I'm marrying Kate.

"Eva, I said, twirl for me," Elena said, and Eva snapped back to the present. After a moment, Eva processed the command and followed through, and her twin clapped and cheered at she came to a stop, beaming despite her nerves.

"Do I look okay?" she asked nervously.

"You look amazing." Elena took her hands and squeezed them. "Kate's gonna forget how to breathe when she sees you."

Eva giggled a little. "I kinda can't believe this is happening."

"You've earned this." Elena turned around and started checking her own makeup. "You guys are so fucking cute together."

"I love her. A lot."

"I know." Elena snapped her mirror shut, and Eva jumped, just like always. "Oh, before I forget! Mom said to give this to you." She rummaged in her purse for a moment, lightly slapping Eva's arm when she tried to look at what she pulled out. She held out her fist and then opened it, and a sob clawed its way up Eva's throat.

Her old pride pin.

"Oh my God," she murmured, taking it and staring at it reverently. "I'd almost forgotten about this."

"No you didn't."

"Okay, no I didn't." Eva lightly brushed a fingertip across the rainbow heart. "Oh my God."

"You wanna wear it?"

"Yes!"

Elena took the pin from her, and Eva closed her eyes as she pinned it on the strap of her dress.

"There. Now you're ready." Elena checked the clock. "And not a moment too soon! Time to go get married, Eva."

Eva smiled and touched her pin. "Fuck yeah."

~

Kate did, in fact, forget how to breathe when she saw Eva.

In an effort to stop the nerves churning in her stomach, she'd been staring resolutely at a cloud in the sky (even after years of listening to Eva excitedly infodump about climatology, she still couldn't name it to save her life), but then Eva showed up and Kate looked and oh.

Jesus fucking Christ, I love her.

White dress. White bouquet. Nervous, beautiful smile.

Rainbow pin.

Once she was down the aisle (didn't trip, which Kate couldn't say for herself), and standing in front of Kate, Kate whispered "I like your pin," almost bursting into happy tears.

"Thanks," Eva whispered back, and then the ceremony started.

~

Kate didn't even hear the priest say the word "bride" before she kissed Eva - or maybe Eva had kissed her? Who was to say?

Her heart thumping in her ears, Eva clutching her waist, a hand buried in Eva's hair.

There was probably cheering. Kate wouldn't know.

"I love you," Eva mumbled against her lips.

"I love you, too."

[bakugoubabygirl]

           okay before I start she going to choose one. Don't worry if its not the one you wanted her to choose bc its going to be  a Roller coaster  of emotions and a lot of back and forth for awhile  BC I FUCKING LOVE BOTH  OF THESES BOYS. also  there will be smut soon and it wont be vanilla .  

                                                        YOUR POV

          "Lets go before they find us" I whispered tugging on Bakugou arm.  He didn't say a word and followed me.  " Lets get some food at the stand" I gave him smile. Bakugou followed me he seem kind of moody though more moody then usual .           " Are you going to say yes?" Was he asking about tododroki. I didn't give much thought to that . I like him  a lot but if I was being honest with myself i had feelings for someone else.       " I dont know I like him a lot and i think it would be amazing. But i also think I have feelings for someone else. To be fair they haven't shown no sign of returning this feeling. Maybe I ought to say yes and forget about the other guy like that" I admitted.        " Who is this other guy" He asked. Why was he so damn interested and how can i tell him its him.         "Not telling" I felt my face getting red. Next thing I Knew I was getting pinned against a wall.           " Tell me" He growled. Why was this bothering him so much. If only he knew that telling him would ruin our friend ship . He would never look at me the way I look at him. because I was made to  be the villan.  Bakugou strive to be perfect at everything and I was not perfect.           " Bakugou Its you stupid" Then I broke free from his grasp . I didn't want t o know his reaction or have him mocked me. I hurried and disappear into the crowd.    Still haven't found any thing to eat my tummy started growl. When I heard my name being called out, The next thing I knew someone dragged me off  somewhere quite. I'm so sick of being pulled around today. It was my dad, Honestly I was relived that it  wasn't Bakugou .        " Hey  I know you and how your going to give it all but You need to make sure your head is clear. Ive been studying and your powers  feed off you emotions.  I want to make sure you have a clear head" he said worriedly .  OH god I'm screwed my head is far  from clear.         "  Yeah I'm not focusing on anything right now except for winning" I said and I fake smiled.          " that's Great I Know your going to make me proud. I may be rooting midoryia but Your my number one and I hope you win more." He smiled. Pulled me and for a hug.           " Thank you dad and don't worry Ill cut all there throats open" I laughed.      Then it was time to to go back to the arena.  Time  to face bakugou mental and physical . I think mentally would be harder to do.  Midnight call me and bakugou to fight first.  I try not to think about what had conspire between us earlier. I need to focus to keep my head cleared.              We both step into the ring. Bakugou goes to attack me and I dodge it just in time. Then I Blast one of my purple fire balls at him and he dodge to . This was really upsetting, and I  Take one of my shadow hands out and it wraps around his body. I started to think about how he never loses. He was perfect and every way and would make a fine super hero one day.   something you'll never be  the voice was back again.  

                                                 Bakugou  POV

She had her hand wrapped around me. I  had to escape and then I saw  Her starting to levitate off the ground. Her eyes flash purple there was a gasp from the crowd.  She slam hard into the ground  with the shadow hand. She was Going to kill me.        I jump up and fired another explosion at her this time using more force.  She shield it and then made a big shadowy fist at the ground causing it to erupt . I almost fell but then I caught my balance.  This time I used my full force now that I knew it wouldn't hurt her too bad.       The explosion was so big she couldn't shield it. She was on the ground and lay there for several of seconds.  I walked over her to see if I have won and if she was okay. She started to get back up again and she grabbed a whole of me again.      She grabbed me so tight with the shadow arm I couldn't breath.  My face started to turn purple I was pretty sure I was going to die.  The crowed was screaming to let me go But she wouldn't listen.   " Y/n Please let me go I cant breathe" I try to say but she didn't hear or listen. She wouldn't do this on purpose.  Something was seriously wrong . this was not her. " Y/n Please I love you" at that point I didn't fucking care if the whole crowed thought I was a simp . I love her and I need her to came back. Her eyes turn back to e/c when I said that.    " Bakugou" she gasps and then dropped me. I could barley move I'm pretty sure she won but she just stared at me. Her eyes started to tear up. " I give up" she yelled. Then ran out of the arena . They announced me winner and The nursing girl came to heal up my minor wounds.  I was livid that I won that way. She threw the fight.

                                                                   Y/N POV

     I Brought shame on my dad and my school. I brought shame on myself. The whole world watch it happen too. They watch me turn into a monster. I almost killed bakugou and He never going to want anything to do with me again. I sat outside the stadium on the ground.  I'm no hero I cant even go and face what I done.       I must of sat there for hours and hours. It was finally dark and everyone left. it started  to  pour down rain.   I decided to go back into the arena to pick up my bag and stuff.  It was dark except for a couple security lights. I found my bag when I heard a familiar voice.       " Tch where did you go?" Bakugou asked. Was he still talking to me.        " heard you won congratulation"  I gave him a smile. The air was so cold I could see my own breath. 

                                            BAKUGOU POV 

 " THATS NOT HOW I WANTED TO WIN" he yelled. " YOU GAVE UP THAT FIGHT WAS YOURS"        " I almost killed you .  I was created for one reason and one reason only. The whole now know so to. I let you guys down and I let my dad down. How can I be the princess of peace when I cant even find peace in my own head.  I'm done," I said  tears started to pour out my eyes.        " IF i was the bad guy you would of won. Your powerful and just because its hard your going to pack up then Your not who I thought you were " he scoffed.         " I almost kill you and maybe next time I will. I care about you too much for that to happen" I cried. I started to turn away.  He grabbed my wrist and pulled me agaisnt him.        " I know you wont. You stop because your good and you over came it. we just have to work on it. Please stay if not for yourself then the million you could save with that power.         " I dont know how I stopped myself. All I remeber is blacking out and then waking to see me almost killing youself." I explain.             " I said something to you and then you just snapped out of it" He said nervously .              " Oh well what did you say" I asked.  This could help me find the answer.      " I told you I Love you"  He blushed. This was a side of him I never seen before. I think im falling to. Todoroki was important to me but in the end bakugou been here.  I wasnt sure if I was ready to say it back. I grabbed his face and kiss him. He started kissing back first it was soft but then its starts to get more rough and passionate. He grabbed my ass and pulled me agaisnt him. despite the freezing rain , I felt warm.               He pulled away but remain eye contact with me as he pulled something out of his of his jacket. It was a small box and he handed it to me. " I wanted to give this to you when I ask you out after I won the festival correctly . That didn't go as I plan but I still want to win your heart. please accept this and be my girl. I never done this soft shit and I'm sorry if it not something I'm going to show everyday. Your worth taking my pride down a little I guess" His face was red.       I open it up and it was a sliver bracelet with his name on it and diamonds. It was beautiful and way too much. I had no idea what to say. " Yes Ill be yours" he pulled me into a tight  hug.      " lets go to my place you need to get out of the rain and getting late" he said gently. It almost scared me the way he was being so kind.                                                                      Bakugou POV         We arrived at my place. She look like she was about to past out. Today was a lot on all of us. I didn't really won the sports festival but at least I won the girl. I just got to keep that damn icy hot away from her. I wanted to rip the necklace off of her that he gave her. She mine now.        " Hey you stupid bitch your late" my mom bitch. No good job bakugou or nothing.         " Fuck you too hoe" I said back flipping her off. She was about to really yell, until she saw Y/n  come in after me.             " Hey Y/n nice to see you again. I saw you tonight you should of just kill him and not worry about it' she laugh. The fucking old hag meant as a joke. Y/n face turn white though.  I grabbed her hand and lead her up to my bedroom. She seem like she was still half in a daze.        " Lets get out of these wet clothes. You can wear anything of mine for now." I said awkwardly. I knew we were dating but I didn't know her boundaries . There so much I want to do with her. She needed sleep tonight though. we both did.   she started to strip off in my room.  Oh, she wasn't paying attention to anything really. I couldn't help but to watch in amazement though. She took  off her clothes and strip down till she was naked. I had to use all my self control to not do anything. then she put on one of my T-shirts that looked like a dress on her and then a pair of my boxers.  I strip down to nothing and but my boxers and laid on my bed.     " come here princess" I yawned. She crawled into bed and laid on top of me. She feel asleep instantly but then here phone started going off. I  Pick it up and looks at it.  Deku: hey are you alright. Me and your dad are really worried.    Damn deku fucking worrying about my girl. I didn't want to give her a dad the pro hero a reason to hate me though. Me: yeah I'm fine just staying at a friend house. I'm really sleepy so I'm going to go to bed.   Then there was other messages on the screen so I looked. Todo: hey  Y/n I'm so worried about you. When you see this please answer and I was wondering if we could meet up tomorrow to talk about today and I have something I wanna ask you. I hope your safe and sleeping well beautiful. Oh hell  no. She mine and he going to back the fuck off.  I took a pictures of her sleeping on my chest and I sent it. Me: she mine and she sleeping fine thank you. Back the fuck off  she mine now!!!!!! Todo: I see for now that may be it. I don't give up and I especially wont stop until she mine. You well slip and when you do ill be there for her. Your impulsive and abusive and don't deserve her. Me: You come any where near her your dead I blocked his number from her phone.  I wrapped my arms tight around her and I pass out.    The sun filled the room waking me up. She was still asleep. She was so beautiful and peaceful when she sleep.  Her phone started buzzing causing her to wake.   " Where my phone" she sat up straight looking for it. I handed it to her. The number didn't have a caller id. She scrunch her nose in confusion.     " Hello who is this " she answered.      " Todoroki, are you alright?" I heard him answered.  Great rich boy has more then one phone.     " Yes, what happen to your old phone number?"      " Long story, where are you at?"     " Bakugou house, why whats wrong?" she asked worriedly     " Ill be there In 20" he said and then hung up.  " Do you have anything else I can where by chance?" she asked   " I think you look fine in that Idiot" I snorted grabbing her wait.   " I cant go out like this" she said digging though the bag of mina and kiri clothes that they leave here.      " Your not going anywhere with him and no way in hell wearing that" She hold up a short pink dress of mina. Mina was shorter then Y/n so this dress was gonna not cover anything. She took off my shirt and put on the dress anyways not listening to me at all.    She grabbed my hair brush and tied it back out her face. she look stunning even though she didn't try and its for him.  " I fucking mean it your not going anywhere with him" I yelled.   " Chill out you have to trust me. He one of my friends and I'm yours so don't worry" she said try reassuring me. I almost lost her to him though. He going to try all Kinds of flirty shit. I cant be okay with this but I have too. She will leave if I'm too controlling.   " One hour then come back" I grumbled.  " I have to go home afterwards and talk to my dad" She sigh. She was right even though I wanted some time with her. The door bell ring and I hurried up to open it. IT was half and half baster.   " Leave your hands off of her and no flirty shit or I will Murder you" I screamed and then Y/n push me put of the way. I grabbed her and kiss her so fucking hard in front of him. She push me away and laughed.     " I'm sorry about him" she said. Walking out of the door with him. I kept trying to talk myself out of following them. I decided to invite shitty hair over to distract me.

IM open up to ideas and or request for my one shot books I'm doing. Thank you for read part 7 will be here Thursday at the latest

[ill-skillsgard]

Tasting Pain - Kasper Nordin

Title: Tasting Pain

Warning: 18+ sex/angst/suicidal themes/cheating/cock-worship/mentions of depression/mentions of hospitalization/AU shenanigans. Please read at your own discretion.

Characters: AU Kasper Nordin (Funhouse) x ambiguous female OC

Note: I had this potent idea pop into my head and had to get it down before it left me. That’s really it—I didn’t want to overthink it, or spend hours editing a lengthy piece. It’s been a while since I had the immediate inspiration to write something I just felt like writing. I hope you enjoy this one-shot and consider giving it a like/reblog/comment. I really appreciate all support. Much love and hugs/fist-bumps!

The fish tank bubbled in the corner of the living room. It was the only sign of life. The spotted Mollies flittered around their plastic anemone, darting in and out of ceramic castles looking for food. She crossed the living room, found a jar of fish flakes and tossed a pinch to the hungry creatures.

She knew the layout of the apartment well enough. With only one bedroom, one bathroom, and an empty kitchen, it was no challenge to find the home's resident. A bar of dull blue light leaked from under a closed door at the end of a short hall. After a moment of hesitation, leaning close to the door to pick up any movement, the girl knocked softly.

There was no answer.

She knocked again. "Kasper?"

Again, her greeting went unanswered. Huffing, she placed her hands on her hips and came an inch away from the wood.

"Kasper, I'm coming in. So, if you're doing anything weird, wrap it up. And if you don't want me coming in, you better say something!"

More silence followed her demand. She twisted the handle and pushed open the door to find the tall man lying on his bed, palms pressed into his eyes. The blue light came from an LED strip glued to the perimeter of the room. He wore a plastic bracelet around his wrist, half-covered by the sleeve of his cardigan, blue jeans and grey socks.

"Kasper," she whispered, sitting beside him on the bed. 

The man refused to answer her. She tugged his elbow and tried to make him look at her, but he rolled onto his side, facing away.

"Why'd you ask me to come over if you intend to ignore me?"

"Sucks being ignored, huh?" He finally answered.

She sighed and touched his shoulder. "Nobody is ignoring you."

"Nobody is ignoring me now."

"Did you ask me over just to run the guilt train on me?"

"You didn't visit while I was away."

She shook her head. Kasper always tried to tug on her heartstrings in the most callow of ways. But she remained patient. He'd gone through hell in the last few days, and she didn't want to prolong his suffering.

"Please don't put this on me. Nobody had visitors. It's against the rules now."

"Whatever," he muttered.

"I know you're hurt, darling, but alienating me right now won’t help you feel better."

"Nothing will make me feel better."

She flinched away, then sighed and squeezed his broad shoulder, tugging him onto his back. Kasper covered his eyes, but it was too late. The blue light caught the tears on his lashes. He crushed them away with his fists, whimpering and turning toward her, curling around her crossed legs.

"Darling," she cooed, thrusting her fingers through his soft blond hair. "I'm here for you."

"Don't say that," his voice cracked. "You know that's bullshit."

"Well, I'm here now, aren't I? And if I'd have known you were already home, we would have gotten together sooner."

Kasper tightened his body around her, nuzzling into the loving sensation of fingertips stroking his scalp, parting the strands, and swerving around the shell of his ear. When he closed his eyes and sighed, the icy hold on his heart began to shutter. Kasper knew the feeling was temporary, destined to fade as soon as she left. Making the best of what he could get, Kasper pulled her closer.

"I'm sorry. I've never felt this way before. It's scary."

"I know, I know," she soothed. "It's frightening to feel like you have no control over your emotions."

"It's not my emotions. It's the sense of failure following me around. No matter what I do, it's never enough. I'm never enough."

She frowned, though he didn't see the remorse tugging on her lips. Pushing his hair back from his forehead, she leaned over and kissed his temple. 

"You are enough. More than enough."

"Not compared to them."

She clicked her tongue. "Stop. Stop saying that."

"Stop telling the truth? Do you want me to lie and say I'm just as good as them? That I'll make it to their level? Fuck, I'm almost twenty-five. Do you know where they were at my age? Travelling the world, instant recognition no matter where they went. More fucking money than they knew what to do with."

"You don't realize how much luck plays into that type of success, Kasper."

"It's true what they all say... I'm a second-rate version of him. Not even. Third-rate."

"Enough. I won't have you belittling yourself. It stops now. These aren't things you should be striving for if it's your passion and in your blood. Money and recognition are fleeting. It has no bearing on reality or your talent."

"Why does it matter to you? Nothing I say about myself hasn't already been said by the public. I'm shit. I'm nothing, and I'll never be him."

Anger touched her nerves, flaring under her skin and opening a wound of guilt in her heart. She'd had enough of Kasper flaunting his pain to spite her.

"Take your clothes off," she demanded.

"What?" Kasper stuttered. "Why?"

"Because I'm going to show you you're more than enough."

"Fuck off," the blond man muttered.

She climbed over him, straddling his hips while undoing the buttons of his sweater. Kasper allowed this and lifted his arms when she pushed his t-shirt up, revealing his bare torso. Smooth skin under the blue light tantalized her eyes. When he looked up at her, pouty lips opened slightly, she leaned over and smothered his mouth with hers.

"You're beautiful, Kasper."

"You are," his retort was light, noncombative.

His tongue met her bottom lip, eliciting a bare whimper. She framed his face and kissed him hard while his large hands roamed the curve of her hips, journeying upward to her breasts.

"You're all I want," Kasper said.

"Sh. Don't say that. You can have anything you want in this world."

"But, I want you."

"No, you don't. You want what he has, but you should be out there searching for your own prizes—not even giving a thought to what anyone else has."

She rocked her hips against his, denim shuffling against denim until the nudge of his swelling member drove between them. With a smirk, she shimmied down between his legs, tugging the metal button on his jeans, then the zipper. Kasper's hardness tempted her through the soft cotton of his boxer briefs. Leaning over, she nipped at the tip of the bulge, barely contained under the elastic band. He let out a quiet sigh as she teased him. The appendage continued to grow and thicken, twitching as blood swirled in his groin. Her mouth inched down the clothed shaft until she reached the base, then swapped her lips for one hand. 

"You're bigger. I've never seen a cock like yours before. It's so perfect, and thick, and... God, I dream of it all the time."

Kasper's scarred eyebrow shot up. "Oh, yeah?"

"When I touch myself, there's never a time I don't think of you and how good it feels when this big cock is inside me." She kneaded his balls until he writhed.

"Fuck me," he whispered.

"No, not yet. I'm not done worshipping your cock."

"Worship it with your pussy." 

Covering his mouth with the same hand that had been trifling his balls, she kissed and nibbled his thigh until he kicked. "Hush. Let me do this the way I want to."

"You always tease me so much," came Kasper's muffled whine.

"I know, but it's worth it to see you shoot those massive loads of yours."

His pride tickled, Kasper shifted his hips, parting his legs with a sly look. She uncovered his mouth. "Yeah, you love taking all my cum."

"That's right, baby boy."

The indignation returned to his face, pulling his eyebrows together. "Don't call me baby boy. I'm a fucking man."

Unbothered by his demand, she snickered against his thigh and took up massaging his cock through his underwear once more. "Sorry. You're right. I mean, it's true, I've never been with anyone as hung as you, Kasper."

"Come on, touch me more."

"In due time. No more commands. Just lie back and let me play with you the way I want."

"What about the way I want?" He scoffed.

"You don't want me to work you up? To savour it?"

Kasper winced as she squeezed his girth gently. "Is that what you do to him?" He asked.

"No," she said.  

"Yeah, right."

"Believe it or not. You're still thinking about him when you should be thinking about me... And yourself."

Kasper pressed his tongue against clenched teeth, fighting back another retort. With long, even strokes, she caressed his shaft. He shuttered and nudged his hips upward. She was right. There was never a time he allowed himself to live in the moment, to enjoy the present without invalidating it with envy and regret. One too many people had held him to impossible standards, and though he was accustomed to acting around his discomfort lately, the feeling beat him with a heavier hand.

"Don't go soft on me, Kasper," she said.

Kasper surfaced from the black hole he'd tumbled down, remembering the sweet pressure around his manhood and the beautiful woman doused in blue light, orchestrating his pleasure. He moaned and tried to push his boxers down.

"Fine. Since you're so eager," she said, undressing him. 

She hoped to dangle him over the precipice of orgasm for as long as he could handle. Attention always seemed to soothe him when he got into his foul moods. Although this time, it wasn't a simple display of temper— it was a genuine cry for help. She had to be delicate.

"You know what I love about your cock? This one thick vein on the top. When it swells, I know you're really turned on. It's just like your pretty eyes. You give yourself away. But when you realize it, they turn to stone, and I can no longer read you."

"Why are you saying all this? Don't you just want to fuck?" Kasper asked, still enjoying the heated grip circling him.

"Is that all you want? Don't you care what I have to say about you? Does everyone else's opinion matter but mine?"

Kasper's chest caved in as his lungs released piling tension. "I'm sorry. I'll shut up."

"Say what you like, but you know I'll challenge you," she said.

Kasper didn't speak again until her lips met the tear-shaped slit at the tip of his cock. Smoothing her lips around him, she ran her tongue up, tasting the salty residue of arousal. When she dove deeper, Kasper groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes as though he couldn't bear to watch. He changed his mind and propped himself on bent elbows. 

He caressed her head, then cupped her chin and pulled her off. "Stay with me tonight."

Before she could protest, Kasper flipped her onto her back and worked her clothes off like she had done his. 

"Kasper... That's not a good idea."

"Neither was downing a bottle of pills. But I did it, and I'm still here. And you're still here, no matter what you do or say or think. You always end up in my bed."

"I'm worried about you," she murmured.

"Don't. I'm fine now," said Kasper.

"Says the guy I found crying in his bedroom."

Her reminder tore a hole through his flimsy lie. Kasper winced but continued working his way between her legs in hopes burying himself might help hide the shame he harboured.

"What were you saying about how much you love my big dick?"

"That's not all I love about you, Kas," she said as he pushed inside of her opening with care.

The fullness dulled her thoughts, but only for a moment before he rocked against her. She reached up to stroke his face, smiling.

"You're beautiful. Everything about you, not just the large parts."

Kasper laid his head on her shoulder while he withdrew himself and thrust back into her with a grunt. "You make me feel beautiful."

"Good. You deserve to feel that way, darling."

He kissed up her neck, snaking his tongue out to lick the spot he intended to suck. But she pulled away. Kasper chuckled.

"What? You don't want him seeing marks on your skin? I suppose you can't wear a scarf in the Summer."

"Don't be naughty."

"You're one to talk. Coming here, toying with me after you promised you wouldn't."

"I told you I was worried," she defended.

"Yeah, worried you'd never feel me inside of you again, right? You got here quickly."

"Why are you saying all this?" She mimicked him. "Don't you just want to fuck?"

Kasper sneered. "Yeah, that's all I want."

They coupled well into the night until it was too late for her to leave. Kasper got his way and anchored her to the bed with his arms around her. Exhausted from the romp, and hacking away the tendrils of depression coiling around his limbs, Kasper fell into a deep sleep. She did not drift off as quickly as Kasper did, but his calm breaths tickling the back of her neck placated her racing mind for a few hours until the sun came up.

The girl slid out of bed, hoping Kasper might stay asleep while she gathered her clothes from the floor and dressed. Looking over the naked man, she held her breath and hoped it wasn't the last time she'd see him this way. Before her departure, she went to the side of the bed and smoothed his hair back until his lashes fluttered.

"I love you, Kasper. Don't leave us."

Kasper did not move. She bent over to kiss his shoulder, nodded, and turned to leave. 

Creeping away, she turned back to see his head rise from the pillow. Kasper rolled onto his back and smiled.

"Leaving so soon?" He asked.

"Yes, darling."

A touch of darkness tainted his grin. "Tell my brother I said hi."

+

Like what I do and want to read more special content? Subscribe to my Patreon for early and exclusive access to 30+ fics!

Want to support me without the monthly commitment? I have Ko-Fi!

[jjba-hell]

Fate and Fortune

Part 11

Here’s Part 10 but hop on the Fate and Fortune tag for the rest

Second week of 2021 and I’m straight up not having a good time ✌︎('ω')✌︎- I hated the original piece so ended up re-writing it so uhhh good luck with this piece (really not a favorite for me)

For my moots: @fyre23 and @risottoneroo

Content warning: none in particular, just a SLEEZY Steely Dan

The tarot cards laid out before her two stacks- the ones whose stands who are known and those are not. Mr Joestar had politely asked for a reading- wondering if Hermit Purple could help him choose the card Dio’s stand held.

Vera didn’t say it quite off the bat from asking but she had her money in The World- simply because that was the end of their journey as a group was heading- to Dio. It had seemed almost poetic when thorny vines wrapped around the World card. Joseph thanks her for the reading and proceeded ahead to grab some food. So with that, she slid the deck back together and as she rose back up on her feet a quiet whisper over her ear brought her plans of walking back to the others to an abrupt end. “So- this is what Enya’s killer looks like? I suppose I have to thank you, Dio’s faith in her servitude was wavering.”

Vera craned her neck to take a look at the owner of the voice behind her- somewhat handsome if not marred by the godawful sneer plastered over his ear.

“Got some guts coming after me directly, don’t you think?”

Fortune materialized behind the man, Vera taking his moment of surprise to step out from his looming stance over her shoulder. “Got a name, jackass?”

“Dan, Steely Dan. My stand represents the lovers.” He said almost as if he expected her to know who he was. “Now that you know my name and I have most certainly heard more than my fair share about you- join me for a coffee? Just across the street.”

Vera’s scowl only seemed to worsen at the offer. “For what?”

“For taking care of Enya for me, of course. It truly does make my life so much easier.”

She didn’t trust this weasel as far as she could see him and she was convinced the others might smell something was up soon enough but until then she’d have to deal with it- maybe she could manage some information out of this bastard.

“Fine then- let’s talk.” She dematerialized Fortune back and with her hands back into her jean pockets, she followed.

Unsurprisingly two cups of coffee were already set on the table outside the shop. “How hospitable of you. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you knew I was going to take your offer.”

Steely Dan brought his cup to his lips. “Rest assured, I’d never allow any harm to come over a stunning creature such as yourself.”

Vera sat back, bringing a cigarette to her lips. “I’m a bit young for you, aren’t I?” She sneered- the slight twitch in his right eye enough to get a chuckle out of her. “Besides, no matter how pretty I am, doesn’t change the fact that I am, essentially, your enemy.”

“What can I say? Birds of a feather flock together.”

She laughed, watching the others approach her from across the street. About time.

“My, my- your vanity that important to you? How about we cut to the chase, Dan? What do you want?”

Dan leaned in over his edge of the table, folding his arms in front of him. “Surely that’s an easy answer- I’m here to destroy your little group- one by one.”

Uttered just in time for the others to hear.

“And what exactly makes you so confident you stand a chance against five of us?” Polnareff was one to speak first.

The simpering laugh he have made Vera’s blood boil. This guy really thought he trumped them somehow. “Simply put, none of you can lay a hand on me.”

Vera flipped her cigarette between her fingers and pressed the hot coal into the top of his right hand. He flinched away angrily fanning his hand before balling it into a fist and swinging her way. She held her hand up to grab his wrist as a block but Star got him first- sending him....and Mr Joestar flying back.

She ran to Joseph to help him back up again- her mind running furiously to connect why he flew back? Was it a fluke?

When Mr Joestar’s breathing started laboring, her gaze shot towards Jotaro with his grip on Steely Dan.

“Jotaro, stop.”

He shot her one glance over the shoulder before relaxing his grip- Joseph’s breathing evening out a bit.

She looked up at the sleeze ball Dan and scowled- “Your stand, the lovers. You’re interconnected with it aren’t, you?”

“A good start. Doesn’t explain how Mr Joestar’s getting hurt though, does it?” He taunted.

Vera thought about it for a moment, trying to piece together why only Joseph would be targeted. It had to be a choice- he’d pick the seemingly weakest one who couldn’t take the beating.

“The niche of it I’ll yield on but it seems whatever you experience, your stand deals to your target.”

That same sickly smile spread over his lips. “Good looks and good brains- not that the latter matters very much.”

Jotaro grabbed hold of the bastard’s collar again, threatening to kill him too quick for it to hurt. Fortune’s dials moved back quietly over Joseph’s injuries- unable to revert back to the state it was in before the stand but maybe just before the punch. “So... how are you making this work, Dan?”

Somehow knowing more did nothing for her to come up with a plan but when the bastard started making a scene with Jotaro- rock in hand- she started to worry. Vera moved closer to where Jotaro had to be held back by the other two men- when Dan brought the rock up over his shoulder to swing at Jotaro’s head she simply had Fortune snatch it out of his hand.

“Tch, how primitive.” She grabbed hold of Kakyoin’s wrist, pulling him away from the scuffle. “I think you know what to do- I’ll make sure this cuck doesn’t do anything stupid.”

The corners of Kakyoin’s mouth twitched a bit before he and Joseph took off down the street- shortly followed my Polnareff.

“Oh, I see... you think you could exploit a range weakness.”

She didn’t answer, taking a moment to stand beside Jotaro whose jaw was painfully clenched.

“No matter. Since you two will be following me around for a day.” She figured he’d pull the move, fucking sleezeball. He grabbed hold of one of her belt loops and pulled her flush to his side. He threw an arm over her shoulder and started walking.

Jotaro- simmering behind them, followed. “Admittedly, you’re pretty even when you scowl but I think a smile would suit you better, wouldn’t it?”

Steely Dan’s hand wrapped around her jaw, making her look at him- the disdain on her face still evident. She figured he’d threaten her with his own pain, or rather Mr Joestar’s, so she swallowed her pride for a moment and forced a smile.

He let her go completely as they reached the drainage ditch- turning towards Jotaro to instruct him to act as the bridge. “Didn’t take you as the lazy kind, Dan. Surely a physique like yours is earned”, she tried so hard not to say the last bit but she just couldn’t resist. “Especially at your age, walking must be the best way to get that exercise in.”

Once again- the comment made his eye twitch and as penance his leg swung into the pillar. Fortune moved too quick though and moved him just enough to slip and fall on his ass.

Once again, she swallowed her pride and came to his aid- helping him back up on his feet, that sickly sweet smile plastered to her face.

“Oh come now, I’m just teasing. Nothing wrong with being just a little playful, is there?”

He squinted at her in disbelief, as he should, taking her hand regardless and walking past her to address Jotaro. “Troublesome woman- someone should have beat that out of you. It might just end up being me.”

She wrapped her hand around Jotaro’s clenched fist, just long enough for him to relax a bit until Steely Dan gave his next request.

Vera didn’t dare follow Dan, she simply phased herself to the other side of the ditch Jotaro was stretched over- a trick she knew would tip fortune out of her favor for a while but she didn’t care.

“Oh? You actually followed me?” Dan taunted as she bent down to help Jotaro into the other side and fix any of the damages he caused. She didn’t answer him though.

“Tch. Very well.”

“That fuck is going to wish he were never born.” She growled through gritted teeth. Jotaro gazed up at her, the same anger in his eyes.

His hand moved up, almost looking like it was going to cup her face but instead it moved to grab a strand of her hair.

“That move cost you.” He commented as she peered down at the grey strand. Vera was used to moving Fortune forward and back to her will but because she could only move her own forward she noticed little changes like longer nails or outgrown hair a bit too often for her to rule out that other people’s fate didn’t affect her.

The gray hair however... she suppose that was due to the shock her system had been given the past few days. “Doesn’t matter.” She rose up again, taking his hand in hers. “Come on- he’s gonna get up to something I swear.”

They followed after like obedient dogs- both Jotaro and Vera’s patience growing painfully thin. From back scratching to shoe shining- Vera stood between Jotaro and whatever onslaught of petty jabs at Jotaro he could throw. Jotaro’s torture was physical for sure but the scathing comments thrown at Vera had her fingers itch for his neck under her grip.

She angrily wrenched his hand from the hem of her jeans- gritting her teeth as she hissed. “Reach into my jeans one more fucking time and I’ll-“

“You’ll what, dollface?”

“I’ll make what I did to Enya tané in comparison to what I’ll do to you.”

“Oh is that a threat?”

“A promise, motherfucker.”

He shrugged her off, her blood boiling more with every step she has to watch him walk away. “Let me make it up to you, Vera. I’ll treat you to some jewelry...”

It was trouble from the second she stepped into the shop after him- looking at nothing in particular except the back of his neck right in front of her. When it was Jotaro holding the bracelet, it was the only time she couldn’t stop him from getting hurt.

Outside the shop he slipped a gaudy gold necklace around her neck and soon as he finished clasping the thing she phased straight out of it, letting it fall to the ground.

She only gave one look at the piece of jewelry laying on the ground and then up at him. “Suits you better, looks cheap.” Fortune moved towards Jotaro to start on his injuries- Dan thinking he could take a hit on her but once again missing poorly.

“Y’know- I can’t tell when no one’s ever used their own fists to fight their way out.” She gazed over her shoulder at him. “My dodges are slow and the fact that you can’t hit me says a lot. A bit too comfortable with your stand if you ask me.”

As if on qeue, Dan’s frown soon turned bloody. Kakyoin must’ve gotten a hit on the jackass’s stand.

Relieved, Vera reached into Jotaro’s jacket pocket for a cigarette and the notebook he’d been working on. She scribbled down the shit he’d said to her and then closed the book- handing it back to him.

“You’ll take care of this one for me, yeah?”

“You going to check up on the other three?”

“Yeah, best not avoid any brain damage your grandfather could have suffered from the extraction.”

Jotaro nodded- Dan’s begging getting louder as she walked away. She figured it best to let him handle it-moving her own fortune forward was never good and she had the right idea to do so since no sooner she turned a corner down an alleyway did a door slam open and give her a bloody nose.

BONUS:

“You can take a lot of verbal abuse, huh?”

Jotaro had muttered at her as she laid her head on his chest. The night was too young and too hot for them to be touching too much.

“And you can take a lot of physical abuse, what’s your point?”

He gave a huff, of laughter or frustration she wasn’t sure. “You shouldn’t.”

“I don’t. I just don’t deal with it the same as you.” She lifted her head a bit to get more hair out from under her head. “I’m much rather humiliate them before I just punch them.”

“Where’d you pick up that trick?”

She laughed, “Boarding school, unsurprisingly.” She put on her best British posh voice. “A lady’s hands must never draw the blood of her enemies.”she shrugged, laughing at her own impression. “So when you can’t throw hands- violence comes some other way.”

Jotaro only hummed, bringing the little ice pack they’d bought back to her. She took it and gracelessly held it against her nose which had turned violently blue the first few hours.

“I’m sorry.”

The phrase came out of the blue for her but she looked him head on regardless, “For what?”

“Dragging you along.”

She shook her head- “I’m sorry to tell you JoJo but I’m as much after saving Holy as I am avenging my parents-“

The mere word made he zone out, or just become quiet in the conversation.

So he wrapped is arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, letting the doe eyed glare in her eyes clear up a bit before starting the conversation a new.

“She’s not dealing with it well.” Kakyoin sighed, leaning against the hotel balcony railing as Jotaro smoked. “I understand why she’s doing it but I don’t think she processed what she felt back there.”

Jotaro only nodded, swallowing a heavy lump in his throat as he straightened. “She’s been acting off, I’d be lying if I said I’m worried.”

Kakyoin sighed, unfolding his arms over his chest before doing the same. “All we can do is hope that Avdol might know what to tell her.”

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 66

Warning: brief mentions of violence towards women and children

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​

“Do you know that Saju was a real person?”

Millie’s eyes are blown wide with a mixture of fascination and disbelief as she lies next to him in bed; on her side with her body tucked securely against his. When he’d woken up, the three oldest had been gathered around him. Fast asleep and somehow making an enormous double king feel impossibly small; effectively trapping him within its confines with one child pressed against his back and another his stomach, and  the third curled into a ball, placed directly at the back of  his knees.  It had been slightly cramped and awkward  but oddly soothing at the same time. The tickle of their skin and hair against bare flesh, the slight yet comforting weight of little arms draped over him and the feel of their bodies rising and falling with each inhale and exhale of breath.

There’s not much in Tyler’s life that he’s proud of. The job isn’t  exactly a career that fills you with a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment and the baggage he carries from past mistakes and bad decisions is often overwhelming and exhausting. But those kids...HIS kids...so innocent and beautiful and pure with their unwavering faith and trust in him...are the only things that DO fill him with pride. Knowing that someone like him -with a lifetime of trauma, regret and guilt- could actually have had a hand in creating something so incredible. That somewhere along the line he MUST have redeemed himself. How else would he be worthy enough to be a dad again? To be given that that second chance after fucking it so badly the first time?

“I do,” he confirms. “I do know that.”

Millie rolls over onto her back, settling into the crook of his arm. Fingers fidgeting with the bracelets on his wrist as he wraps an arm around her,  hand resting lightly on her stomach.  “Do you know that he was Anil’s big brother?”

Tyler nods.

“Anil said that Saju...the real Saju...used to take care of Ovi because Ovi’s dad had to go away for a long time. Ovi didn’t have a mommy?”

“His mommy died when he was little. Very little. Just a bit older than Declan.”

“Oh no…” she pouts, and her eyes fill with tears. “...poor Ovi’s mommy. And poor Ovi. I’d be so sad if my mommy died. I’d miss her so much.”

“Your mom’s not going anywhere,” Tyler assures her, and tightens his hold on her and drops a kiss on the top of her head. “So don’t worry about that. Don’t even think about it, okay?”

Millie nods.  “Where did Ovi’s dad go? And why does he have to be gone for so long?”

“Not all dads are good dads.  Or good people,” he explains. “He did some bad things and he had to pay for those bad things.”

“The police took him away? And put him in jail? That’s where they go right? When the police catch them.”

“Yep.”

“What did he do that was so bad?”’

“Things you don’t need to know about.:

Millie frowns. “How come there’s so many things you say I don’t need to know about?”

“Because you’re six and I’m your dad, and you’re still little enough where I get to decide what you need to know. And you don’t need to know these things.”

“Did he kill people?”

“Amelia…”

“Daddy…”

“You don’t need to know. It’s adult stuff. He’s in jail and he’s there for a reason.”

“Are you going to jail for killing people? I don’t want you to go to jail. I’d miss you.”

“I’m not going to jail,” Tyler assures her. “What I do? That’s totally different.”

“Because those people deserve it? The ones you kill? They deserve to die?”

“Exactly.”

“‘Cause they’re bad.”

“Very bad.”

“Not like jaywalking or littering but really, really bad. Like kick puppies bad.”

“Even worse than kicking puppies.”

Her eyes widen. “Kicking little kids?”

“Worse.”

“Holy shit! That’s really, really, really, REALLY bad. No wonder you kill them. I’d want to kill them just for kicking puppies, to be honest. Anyone kicks Saju...MY Saju...I’m head butting them in the nuts.”

“I don’t know about heat butting someone THERE, but…”

“I know you said never to hit a boy there, but they deserve it if they kick Saju. And I’m telling you right now, if any boy ever gets mouthy with him or gets touchy with me even when I tell him no, I will rip his balls off.”

He can’t help but laugh at that, and he’s grinning as he drops a kiss on the top of her head. “Atta girl. That’s what I want to hear.”

“Were you and Saju friends?” Millie inquires. “The real Saju?”

“Sort of, I guess.”

“Anil said that he helped you save mommy and Ovi. Is that true?”

“That’s true.”

“So he was a good guy then?”

“In the end he was. We didn’t get along at first. We had a big fight.”

“Like fighting with words?”

“The other kind of fighting.”

“Did you beat him up?”

“It’s pretty safe to say we beat each other up. He was tough. Strong.  Never gave up. He had to do things to protect his wife and his little boy. Trying to hurt me was one of those things.”

“So you weren’t mad at him?”

“Not at the end. Not when I found out why he was doing the things he was. He was doing them for his family. I totally understand that; I’d do the same thing if it were you guys. Nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure you’re all safe.”

“That’s why we ended up here. So the bad couldn’t get to us. And I kept my promise. I never told Tanner or Tyler what I know. I don’t want them to be scared. They’re my little brothers.”

“Are YOU scared?”

“Not really. Because you’re here. I’m never scared when you’re around.”

Those words are so simple yet manage to hit so powerfully and deeply; her blind faith and trust in him both  a blessing and a curse. And he can’t stop the tears that well in his eyes and kisses her temple and wraps his arm around her even tighter; eyes closing and chin resting on the top of her head.

“Daddy?”

“Millie?”

“How did you and mommy meet? If she lives all the way in Colorado and you always lived in Australia, how did you meet her? Was she on a trip? Is that how?”

“Auntie Nik introduced us.”

“But how? How did she do it if you guys lived so far apart? I know that you met mommy where you used to live. Where Koen lives now. But I don’t understand how mommy ended up there. That’s what I want to know?”

“Why DO you want to know?”

“Because I do. Because I like knowing things. And I like hearing about you and mommy and how you met and what you guys were like before I came along.”

“We were pretty much like we are now. And Auntie Niuk brought her to my place because she had a job for us to do. Together.”

Millie’s eyes widen. “Mommy kills people too?”

“Not that is NOT what I said. Mommy’s crazy smart, right?”

“Right.”

“And I’m crazy strong, yeah?”

“Yup.”

“So Auntie Nik wanted us to work together because your mom could use her brains to find the bad guys and then I could use my strength to punish them. Understand?”

“So mommy helped you catch them?”

“Basically.”

“Oh, okay…”  she runs her fingertips over the bracelet that matches the much smaller one on her own wrist. “Where’s Dhaka?”

Tyler frowns. “What do you know about Dhaka?”

“I know you and mommy went there. I know that’s where you almost died. I know things, daddy. I hear things.”

“It’s not nice to eavesdrop, you know.”

“It’s not  my fault Uncle Koen talks so loud. Is it true that it was Ovi you and mommy had to get from the bad guys?”

“Yes. It’s true.”

“He was just a little boy then?”

“A teenager. Fourteen. The bad guys took him. To Dhaka.”

“Where is that?”

“Bangladesh.”

“Where’s that? Is it far from here? I want to go there.”

“It’s about two hours from here if you fly. And no. You don’t. You don’t want to go there.”

“And is it true that you and mommy had to pretend to be married?”

“That’s true too.”

“Kinda funny that you had to pretend at first but then got married for real. Is that because you found out you loved her? Is that when you fell in with her? Is Dhaka the place?”

“I guess that’s where it started. I didn’t fall in love with her right away. I know that I liked her. A lot.”

“And you thought she was pretty?”

“I thought she was REALLY pretty.”

“And she thought you were cute and had really nice eyes and big muscles.”

He chuckles. “Apparently.”

“Daddy…” she rolls over onto her stomach, elbows on the bed and her chin in her upturned palms. “...can I ask you something?”

“I don’t see why not. You’ve been asking me things for the last half hour.”

“Is that where I ended up in mommy’s tummy? In the Dhaka place?”

“Yep. That’s exactly where it happened.”

“But you guys didn’t know each other that well. So how did I end up in there? How’d you and mommy end up making me if you didn’t know each other that well? If you didn’t love her yet? Isn’t that how babies are made? ‘Cause mommies and daddies love each other?”

“Sometimes, yeah. But your mom and I really liked each other and some things happened and well, here you are.”

“Hmmm…”

“What’s that mean?”  He reaches across his body with his free arm; combing his fingers through her unruly hair. “What does ‘hmmm’ mean? That doesn’t sound like a good ‘hmmm’.”

“But you and mommy love each other now, yeah?”

“Of course we do. I love your mommy very much.”

“And all of my brothers and Addie came ‘cause you love each other, right?”

“Love is part of it, yeah.”

“So does that mean I’m not as special as them? ‘Cause you didn’t love mommy when I was made? Does that mean I'm not as good as everyone else?”

Tyler scowls. “No, That’s not what it means at all. Why would you even think that? Hey…”  he hooks a finger under her chin and gently tilts her face up towards him. His heart aching when he sees the tears that fall from those huge blue eyes. “...what’s wrong? Tell me. Talk to me.”

“If you didn’t love mommy when I was made, does that mean I’m not as special as everyone else?”

“This NOT what it means. At all. Why…”

“Is there something wrong with me? Does it mean I’m different? Everyone else came ‘cause you loved mommy and I came because...I don’t know...I don’t know why I came.”

“Babies don’t always come because people love each other. Sometimes they just happen. And you...well...you just happened. And you happened for a reason. For a VERY good reason. Probably the best reason.”

“Yeah?” She sniffles. “What’s that?”

“Because your mom was the first person...in a long time...that made me feel like a good guy. I was in a bad, horrible place in my head and I was doing bad things trying to hurt myself because I thought I deserved to hurt.   And then I met your mom and she was different than anyone else I’d met before her. She didn’t look at me like I was a bad person and she didn’t make me feel like one, either. So yeah, I didn’t know her that well when you were made. But I did know that she was pretty freaking amazing and that she made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was broken and I was empty and your mom fixed those things. And I LET her fix them. You’re here because of that. Because your mom made me feel human again and made me feel like I deserved to be here. And because she looked at me like I was the most incredible guy in the entire world. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I think so.”

“You’re because you were meant to be here. You’re my second chance. My new life. That all started with your mom AND you. Don’t you think that’s pretty awesome? In a way, you’re the reason that all your brothers and Addie are even worse. If your mom never had you, there’s a chance I never would have seen her again. And I wouldn’t have the life I have now. And it’s an amazing life. A life that started with you. So you ARE special. Very, very special. In a way everyone else isn’t. Am I making sense?”

She nods.

“You have no idea how much I love you. How every day I think about how lucky I am that you’re even here. And how I’m really only here because of you. That’s pretty surreal, yeah? Don’t cry…” he uses his thumbs to clear away the tears that glisten on her cheeks and the sides of her nose.  “...there’s no reason to cry, baby girl.”

“It made me sad to think that you didn’t love mommy when I was made.”

“Well, maybe my heart loved her but my brain didn’t realize it yet. Or it was scared to admit it. I’d be pretty stupid NOT to love her, right?”

“Right.”

“Don’t ever think there’s something wrong with you. Ever. Because you’re beautiful and you’re smart and you and your mom are the only reasons I’ve made it this far. So don’t ever doubt how much I love you, okay?”

“Okay.”

Tyler gathers her into a strong, comforting embrace and pulls  her on top of him; a  hand on the back of her head as she wraps both arms around his neck and nestles her face into his shoulder. Stroking her hair and then her back, until her sniffling finally subsides and her body stops trembling against him. “What do you want to do today?” he asks, coming his fingers through thick, messy hair.

“I don’t know. Something fun.  Something that won’t hurt your arm or your leg more. Mommy says we have to be careful ‘cause you’re trying to get better.”

“Your mommy is a pretty smart lady.”

“And she loves you. A lot. She gets sad when you get hurt. And she gets pissed off too. At the people who hurt you. I wouldn’t want to mess with her. She’s small, but she could really do damage.”

“She’s probably the toughest person I know.”

“Maybe we can go swimming,” Millie suggests. “And see the animals. It’s fun to watch when they get fed. Some of them we’re allowed to feed. The sloth is super cool. He likes me and he’s so cute and it feels weird when he crawls all over me. And there’s lots of snakes too, but mommy won’t take me to see them because she’s too scared. Maybe you can take me.”

“I’ll take you. And we’ll go swimming. You know what I want to do first though?”

“What?”

“Eat. I’m starving.”

“Me too. I’m so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a dead hippo.”

Tyler grins. “I thought it was a rhinoceros?”

“I changed it ‘cause I like hippos better.”  She raises her head to look at him, hands coming to rest on the sides of his face. “Your beard is scratchy.”

“You don’t like it?”

“No. I do. It’s how I know you. That’s how you’ve always looked. Even when I was really little.”

“Even when you were a baby. Even before then. It’s how I looked when I met your mom.”

“Mommy’s never seen you without it?”

“Nope. I’ve always had it. Never got rid of it because she likes it.”

“You’d look weird without it.”

He smirks. “You’re a little savage.”

“Not weird in a bad way. Weird as in different. You wouldn't look like daddy anymore. I want you to look like daddy. Not like some stranger. I don’t like that idea.”

“Well, just for you, I’ll keep it. Just trim it if it gets too messy.”

“It makes your face look nice.”

“Yeah?”

She nods. “You’re kinda cute, daddy.”

“Just kinda?”

“Well, lots of cute. I see the way girls look at you. I don’t like it though. I don’t want them looking at my dad like that. ‘Cause you’re with mommy and I don’t want you leaving mommy for some trifling hoe.”

He laughs. “Where do you learn that?”

“I heard it on TV. When Ovi was watching us last time. You’re not going to leave mommy for some trifling ass hoe, are you?”

“I’m never leaving your mommy for anyone. She’s stuck with me. She’d have to get rid of ME.”

“Mommy wouldn’t.  She loves you too much. Even when you make her mad or annoy her. And I’d really hurt you if you left mommy. Just so you know.”

“You would, would you?”

“Yep. I love you daddy, but that’s my mom. And no one hurts my mom. Not even you.”

“That’s never gonna happen,” he assures her. “I’d never hurt your mom. Ever.”

“Good,” Millie says, and settles her head on his shoulder. “I’d be super sad if you and mommy ever broke up. Who would I live with?”

“You worry way too much about things that are never going to happen. Mommy and I are in this together. We’re a team. Nothing’s going to change that. Unless SHE finds someone else.”

“Never gonna happen,”  Millie declares. “You guys are stuck with each other.”

“Yeah,” he grins, and drops a kiss on the top of her head. “We are.”

****

“Are you trying to give me more gray hair?” Esme inquires, and slaps him across the back the long forgotten and discarded sling.

It’s been both an enjoyable and tiring morning and early afternoon; an enormous -and fantastically prepared and presented- breakfast followed by hours in the pool and time spent with the animals.  Helping the kids feed the smaller and less dangerous ones and listening to the keeps share stories and tips on  caring for what the rest of the world considers exotic creatures. Allowing the kids to pet and hold the snakes the handlers brought out of their enclosure; smiling at their bright, wide eyes wonder as the reptiles slithered around their necks and across their shoulders and coiled themselves around their arms. Even Tanner stepped out of his comfort zone; scared and nervous at first but quickly and easily soothed by his father’s steadfast presence.

Now the kids sit on the grass in the shade of many trees that line the property. Eating lunch and listening intently as one of the many nannies attempt to give them Hindi lessons.

“Not intentionally, no. Why?”

“You should be wearing this.”  She drops the sling onto the concrete that surrounds the pool, then sits down beside him and places her feet in the water.

It’s their first real ‘alone’ moment since he’d rolled out of bed. They’d done the proverbial ‘kiss and make up’ after the early morning fight; taking advantage of all the kids sleeping and the obnoxiously big infinity tub in the ensuite bathroom. It had been intense yet gentle; long, slow kisses and patient, unhurried hands roaming each other’s bodies under the layers of thick, fragrant soap suds. Worshipping every inch of her; letting his attentive touches and slow, controlled movements  do all the talking  for him.  All the apologies and all the professions of love and those confessions of darkest worries and worst fears. How scared he is of losing her; of somehow screwing up and having her slip permanently out of his grasp.   The one person who’d dragged him out of the deepest, darkest recesses of hell and made him feel alive again. Who’s never looked at him with pity and never saw him as broken beyond repair.

“It’s been feeling pretty good,” he says, as he holds Addie securely under arms, repeatedly dunking her into the water. It’s a slow and careful progression, starting at her toes and then making it all the way up to the small of her back.  There isn’t even the slightest hint of fear or nervousness; trusting him wholly and completely even at that young of an age. And he can never quite get over how perfect she is. How beautiful with those freckles across the bridge of her nose and that abundance of dark hair and those enormous, dark eyes that never leave his face. And that smile; so pure and so genuine that it nearly takes his breath every time he sees it.

“How about I punch you in the dick and you tell me how THAT feels?” Esme retorts.

He smirks. “Are you in a bad mood? Something tells me you’re in a bad mood.”

“I am so nauseous,” she says with a grimace. “And I’m frustrated. Because of your stubborn ass. Are you not supposed to be wearing that all the time? Aren’t you supposed to keep it on until you go to bed? I’m pretty sure that is what the doctor said.”

“And I’m pretty sure I know my own body.”

“I’m not trying to be nag. I’m really not. I’m just trying to take care of you. But for some reason, you won’t let me.”

“I let you take care of me last night.  When I woke up all fucked up from that dream.”

“That’s different, and you know it. You’re here to recuperate. Well, that’s what you were originally here for anyway. How are you going to recuperate when you won’t do what the doctor says? That’s all I want; for you to get better.”

“I know.” He leans a shoulder into her, then takes his eyes off Addie momentarily as he pressures a kiss to his wife’s temple. “When I’m done here, I’ll put it back on. Okay?”

She nods, then manages a small smile. It fucking destroys him inside; that darkness and uncertainty -and fear-, in those normally sparkling, playful eyes and the absence of any shred of REAL happiness.  He knows the difference; when she genuinely content and when she’s doing nothing more than putting on a brave face for everyone around her. He’d seen a glimmer of it this morning. When he’d first woken up and their conversation had been lighthearted, their banter playful, and the kisses they shared tender and loving. Her eyes had been lighter then; glittering in the sunlight that streamed through the bedroom windows. But then it all gone to hell. His own brain both betraying and getting the better of him. And he’d gone ahead and ruined the best morning he’d had in a hell of a long time.

“I remember when you used to do that with Millie,” she recalls. “When we stayed at Mahajan’s. You would take her right in or you’d sit with her on the edge just like that. She used to love it too. And she’d look at you  that exact same way. Just idolizing you and adoring you and trusting you.”

“Remember when we used to take Millie to the beach? I think she was only two weeks when we first went. Even then she was fearless; not scared of the water one bit.”

“They’re a lot alike. Addie and Millie. I know babies don’t have much in the way of personality this early, but Millie was full of it right from the start. So is Addie. Not to mention they both have you completely wrapped around their little fingers.”

He grins. “I don’t know, babe. I think you achieved that first. You had me wrapped around yours long before either of them came along.”

“Only took you almost seven years to admit,” Esme laughs, then runs a hand down the back of his head and pecks his cheek; an arm curling around his waist and the side of her resting against his shoulder. “We’re okay, right?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?”

She shrugs. “I want us to be okay.”

“We are. But we’re also going through a pretty hard, shitty, scary time. We’re going to be irritated and we’re going to snap at each other. It’s inevitable. But that’s not on us. It’s what’s going on around us.”

“I worry that one day we’re going to fight and there will be no way of fixing things,” she admits. “No way of fixing US.”

“That’s not going to happen. I love you too much to EVER let that happen.  You really think you can get rid of THAT easy?”

“I don’t want to get rid of you at all,” she says.  “And I’m sorry. That I said the things I did. They were harsh and you didn’t deserve that.”

“You know what? I did deserve it. Because a lot of the time I forgot just how much I DID hurt you. And I’m the one that’s sorry; that I didn’t clean myself up and get my shit together and fight for us. And I wanted to; I wanted to fight. But I was weak and I was a coward and running away when things got tough was what I did. And I AM sorry; for hurting you the way I did. But I never stopped loving you. Or wanting you.”

Tears pool in her eyes. “I want to say it’s my hormones making me cry, but I think it’s actually you. And not bad crying, either. Just when you say things like that...I don’t know...when it comes from you...someone LIKE you...it hits in a way it wouldn’t anyone else. And I didn’t mean to hurt you; by saying the things I did.”

“I know, baby. You needed to say it and I needed to hear it. It’s okay.” He places a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “Everything’s okay now. Now we CAN put it behind us. For good. Right?”

She nods.

“So stop, okay? Stop beating yourself up over shit. I do enough of that for the both of us, trust me.”

“I’m worried,” she admits.

“About what?”

“You. The kids. This baby.” One of her hands falls to her stomach.  “I’m worried and I’m scared. I don’t want anything happening. To you, to our family, to little bean. And I can just feel all the stress and all the fear and I’m worried it’s going to get worse and it’s going to happen again.  I can’t lose this one, too. I don’t know if I could go through that again. It’s already happened twice; once with you, once with Mark. What if there’s something wrong with my body? What if…?”

“You’re getting worked up over  nothing. We have five kids. And yeah; Addie was early and Tanner had his issues, but they both made it. They’re here. There’s nothing wrong with your body. What happened, happened. And that’s why I want you to stay calm. Because honestly? I don’t think I could go through that again either.”  He doesn't remember a time where something hurt THAT bad. A pain unlike anything -both mentally and physically- that he’d ever experienced before. Even with Austin it had been different; he’d at least gotten to spend six years with him. But losing a kid that you never even got the chance to meet? Who never even got to take a single breath? Nothing is harder to grasp than that,

“I know it was hard on you,” she says. “And I wish I could have been there for you like you were for me.”

“Esme, you HAVE been there for me. A lot of times, for a lot of different things. Who’s the one that stuck around on that bridge? Who stuck around at the hospital and stayed in Australia? Who gave up their entire life for a guy she barely knew?”

“I did it because I WANTED to know you. Because I wanted the chance to know you outside of those five days. And I did it because you deserved to live. Whether you thought so or not.”

“And now here we are,” he grins, and kisses her cheek. “Almost seven years and five kids later. We’ve come a long way and we a good fucking life. Even if it does seem shit right now. And we’re going to be okay and our kids are going to be okay and little bean is going to be okay. I promise. You trust me, right?”

“You know I do,:

“Then trust me about this. Everything is going to be okay. We’re going to get through this and we’re going to go on with our lives.”

It’s the most confident he’s been since arriving in Mumbai. And while he’s not sure if it’s actually genuine or it’s the comfortable yet totally functionally numbness brought on by a mix of pain meds and those for his depression and PTSD, but it feels pretty damn good  to say it.

He briefly places Addie against his shoulder, wrapping her in the towel draped and then laying her along his forearm. Her head nestled in the crook of his elbow and her tiny body wrapped in the soft,comfy fabric and only her face peeking out.  Grinning when all of his fingers wrap around one of his and she pulls his hand towards her mouth, suckling at one of his knuckles.

“What are you doing, little peanut?” He chuckles. “You can’t be THAT hungry. You just ate.”

“She’s a growing baby, daddy. Pretty soon she’ll fit in all those newborn clothes we bought her. But I think she’s doing that for comfort; she tried doing it to Kyle’s nose yesterday.”

“Speaking of Kyle,” Tyler glances over his shoulder to where his brother in law  and Nik -on a rare break- sit on the covered patio, chatting and laughing. “What’s going with those two?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even think I WANT to know.”  She helps him slip into the sling, but bites her tongue and resists the urge to say ‘I told you so’ when he grimaces at even the smallest of movements. “Kyle says they get along better now that they’re just friends. I don’t understand how that even works. How can you be friends with someone you used to see naked all the time? How do you stay friends with someone you’ve spent months of years fucking.”

“We’re friends.”

“That’s different. We’re married. So the friendship comes hand in hand. Would you be able to be my friend if we split up?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“Are we talking friends with benefits, or…?”

“Listen buddy, we break up? That’s it. I don’t care how good you are in bed or how talented you are with that mouth of yours; we co-parent and that’s it. No benefits for you. I don’t care how good looking you are or how pretty your eyes are or how big your muscles are. That’s it; you’re cut off. For good.”

Tyler grins. “I’ll believe it when I see it. Even during those six months you’d sometimes call me up and let me come over.:

“I had needs, okay? Needs I wanted YOU to be the one to take care of. I notice you didn’t say no. That you always showed up.”

“I was hoping you’d let me stay afterwards. Never did though.”

“I had to make you work for things,” Esme reasons. “And you did. Eventually. When you finally yanked your head out of your ass. I don’t know who said something to you or WHAT they said, but it worked.”

“Just some tough love. Things I need to hear. You don’t need to know who said them. And they didn’t want you to know. They asked me not to tell you.”

“Well whoever it was, I owe them a fruit basket.” She presses a kiss to his cheek. “Because that was definitely a turning point. Now look where we are. Two more kids, one on the way. None of that would have happened if it wasn’t for whoever it was. And Nik and Kyle? It’s definitely staying only friends. Alison asked him to move in with her.”

“As in Alison that lives right next door to us?”

Esme nods.

Tyler groans. “Fuck my life.”

“I’m sorry, honey. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But…” she scratches at the back of his head, then combs her fingers through the longer strands of hair on the top of his head. “...at least there’s a whole football field and then some between our house and theirs. I’m so sorry you can never get rid of my family entirely. I love you, if that makes any better. I bet you’re wishing now you’d said no in Dhaka..”

He shakes his head. “I was going with it regardless.”

“Color me surprised,” she scoffs, and tousles his hair. “Anil’s popping by later. He called while you were still asleep. He said you left him a message about needing to talk. You’re going to tell him? About wanting to stay here?”

He nods. “Best place for me to be. I need to be with you  and the kids, especially now. I’ve got even more to lose.”

“You’ve got to keep your head in the game, though. If you obsess too much over me and the kids and the baby and keeping us all safe, it’s only going to fuck with you and you know it. You’ve got to keep your head on straight; we NEED you to keep it on straight.  We need you to keep it together. And we need Old Tyler. That’s who you need to be to get us through this. And I think you know that.”

He nods.

“You’ve got this. I know you do. And it makes me feel a hell of a lot better knowing you’ll be if something does happen. You’re the only one I trust to get shit done and get it done right.”

“You have a lot of faith in me, baby.”

“Yeah, I do. But it’s one hundred percent warranted. I know the things you can do; I’ve seen the things you can do. And you can doubt yourself all you want, but what happened the other night has no bearing on what you’re capable of. So stop letting it take up so much space in your head. And it’s a very beautiful head, by the way.”

He chuckles at that, Feeling the smile curves her lips when she presses a kiss to his temple.

****

“So where are we?” Tyler asks three hours later, as he and Anil sit on the covered back patio.

A late afternoon shower falls around them, bringing relief from the oppressive humidity and punishing sun. With the kids being entertained with the help of the indoor pool it’s quiet; nothing but the sound of pattering water drops and the light rustling of the trees as a soft breeze passes through them.  Despite the damp conditions, the armed guards remain on high alert; several patrolling the grounds and three up on the roof. Even with his extensive experience with both the military and the job, he finds it slightly unnerving; the constant presence and the open carry of heavy duty weapons in plain sight of his children.   And it’s extremely distressing that those measures are even needed in the first place.

“About half through the list. Not as far as I’d like to be by now. But it is what it is,” Anil shrugs, then takes a long sip from a glass of whiskey. Top shelf, Tyler assumes. The best of the best like nearly everything else in the man’s life; not sparing any expense when it comes to even the smallest luxuries and indulgences. He’d been offered a glass but had turned it down; not wanting to mix booze with the cocktail of medications he’d been taking. And still struggling with bouts of lightheadedness and moments of confusion.

“Looks like some bloke gave you a hard time,” Tyler comments, nodding towards the hand Anil has wrapped around the glass; knuckles swollen and covered in fresh cuts and bruises. There’s other injuries as well. A blackened right eyes and a contusion across the bridge of his nose and healing split lip. “Worked you over pretty good.”

“Number twelve,” Anil says with a smirk. “He was a lot tougher than he looked. Very fast. But not for very long. Not after I shot out both knees before the one to the middle of his forehead.”

“How are my guys doing? Koen and Rata? They don’t alright?”

“Very impressed with those two. Very skilled in weaponry.  Very tough. I must admit, I was skeptical at first; when you said they had experience outside of the military. But they’ve adjusted extremely well. The biggest one; he really likes to get his hands dirty. Literally.”

Tyler smirks. “Rata’s a little...unhinged.”

“He can do more damage with his hands than some men can do with weapons. You served with both, yes?”

Tyler mods. “Known ‘em both since I was eighteen and signed up fresh out of high school. Did three tours in Afghanistan with Koen, two in Iraq with Rata.”

“You’ve seen a lot of desert,” Anil remarks.

“I’ve seen a lot of blood. And a lot of death. Way too much of it, actually.”

“Including your own blood and your own near death. You came very close. On that bridge in Dhaka.”

“Way too close,” Tyler says, his hand unconsciously covering the scar on the left side of his neck. “And I came damn close the other night too.”

“Their plan was to take you. Keep you alive. For as long as it took for you to be punished to Mahajan’s liking.”

“I figured as much.  Number Twelve told you this?

“Among other things.”

“About me?”

Anil nods.

“They were going to kill my family, weren’t they. They were doing to track them down and kill them. And they were going to make me watch them do it.”

“There was a talk of that,” Anil confirms.

“And they were going to torture Esme and the kids. They were going shit to my wife and my daughters. To my little girls. One of them that’s only a baby. That’s what they were planning to do, wasn’t it.”

“I don’t know how far they were willing to go. How far they were willing to go to harm you.”

“I know how far they would have gone. I don’t need to be told. I’ve heard plenty of stories that ended that way. Guys who lost their entire families right in front of them. Who had to watch all kinds of sick and twisted shit done to them first. And Mahajan is the worst of the worst. Millie is six. Addie is three months. She’s a fucking baby..”  The rage settles in; ferocious and powerful. Hands forming tight fists and his jaw clenching. He feels nauseous; the thought of anyone getting his hands on his daughter and their mother like that.

“Do they know where I am?” Tyler asks. “Do they know I’m here?”

“Not that we know of. They know you’re out of commission; laying low somewhere. But they don’t know exactly where.”

“Do they know my family is here? Not just in Mumbai, but here? At your place? Do they know that?”

“We believe so.”

“When they can’t find me, they’re going to figure it out. They’ll know I’m here; that I came to be with my family. Mahajan would know that much about me. He knows what I care most about in this world.”

“We should move you,” Anil says. “Somewhere out of town. Until you get back on your feet and…”

“I’m staying here,” Tyler interjects. “With my wife and my kids. I’m not leaving them. They’re safer if I’m here. And they FEEL safer.”

“If Mahajan figures it out, he will come here. Every gun under his control will come here. Led right to your family. We..”

“So what if they come here? I’m here. Nik’s here. All your people here. What chance do they stand if they show up? We have a lot of our own firepower. And this is MY family. I’m not leaving them here while I go back out onto the street. My wife wants me to stay. She NEEDS me to stay. And that’s I’m doing. I’ve let her down too many times before. I’m not doing it again.”

Anil nods slowly, considering his words. “If we run into trouble, if we need you..”

“Just call me and I’ll be there. But I stay here with my wife and kids because they need me way more than you guys do. And look at me..” he nods at his shoulder, then his knee. “...I’m a fucking mess. I’m no use to you or anyone else. I’m not even seventy percent right now and I don't even know if I’ll ever get back to where I was before this. And it’s just messing with my head; those fucking drugs. I get dizzy, I get confused, I forget even the smallest shit.  I’m useless right now. Simple as that. I’d only slow you down.”

“It takes a big man...a strong man...to admit that.” Anil praises.

“I’m not feeling too strong right about now, mate. Feeling pretty fucking weak, actually. It’s been a while since I had to step back; injury wise. Couple years ago I busted my forearm in Brazil; put me out for nearly a month; would have been longer but I got tired of sitting around and cut the cast off myself. Won’t be anything like that this time. I’m pretty messed up.”

“Physically, or…”

“Physically, mentally. I don’t know which is worse. I just know I hate it; hate sitting around watching everything go down. I wanna be out there, you know? Getting my hands dirty. I don’t like sitting still for too long.”

“Is that why you got back into this life? After half a year? Tired of sitting still?”

“Pretty much. Feel like a huge dick for admitting that, though. I should have been happy, yeah? Getting to spend time with my wife and my kids. But it wasn’t enough; no matter how I much wanted it to be. I’m a pretty shitty husband, aren’t I.”

“You provide for your family. You fight for them. You stop at nothing to keep them safe. No my friend, you are not a shitty husband.”

“I always think about how my wife deserves so much better than this. So much better than me. Yet she’s stuck around through so much bullshit. I don’t know why she does it. Why she just doesn’t say ‘fuck it’ and walk away.”

“Is that what you want her to do? Just leave?”

“No. That’s the last thing I want. I don’t think I could do this without her. This life.  And honestly, I don’t want to do it without her.”   He sighs, then takes a swig from the bottle of water clutched tightly in his hand. “Any word on Nathan?”

“Still no sign of him. No one has been able to raise him. And if someone DOES have him, they haven’t reached out to us with demands.”

“Think he’s dead?”

“I don’t know  what to think, to be honest.”

“Yeah,” Tyler says, and leans back in his chair, good arm behind his head. “You and me both.”

“It’s very odd,” Anil comments. “That he would just disappear like that. Out of thin air,:

“If someone had him, they’d reach out to us,” Tyler reasons. “They’d want something for him. If Mahajan has him, we’d know by now. They wouldn’t hide that from us. They’d want us to know what they’re doing to him. Trust me.”

“You’ve seen this kind of thing before?”

“Tons of times, unfortunately. And they never end well. What I really don’t understand is how the fuck that guy got THAT close to me. I thought you had your ear to the ground. That you for watching out for shit like that. All these guys watching me and supposedly having my back  and THAT happens? Were all they fucking asleep?”

“We were told to stand down. That that’s what you wanted.”

“I never said to stand down. I said to stay out of my way. Not fuck off entirely. Who the hell told you I said to stand down?”

“Nathan. He said he’d have your back and that you said that’s all you needed. Him.”

“He told you that? Nathan said that?”

Anil nods.

Tyler gives a derisive snort and shakes his head; legs stretching out in front of him as he runs a palm over his face.

“What are you thinking?” Anil asks.

He sighs heavily. “I think I need to talk to Nik.”

[gothpanda]

A Little Bit of Attitude Ch.28: Tommy’s Wedding

WORD COUNT: 6.5k

A/N: I have the whole story mapped out to finish! omg I’m excited

WARNINGS: AGGRESSIVE NATURE; DRUGS

TAGS: @madamsixx @emariehorror

Read on Ao3

Previous/Next

January 20th, 1986

"Hey, Princess, I know you're asleep, but I just wanted to give you an update. We just landed in Germany, and we're waiting for our new bus. Fans are waiting outside the airport, and it's crazy. I wish you could be here. Tommy and Mick say hi. I also wanted to say thank you for house sitting. Please don't turn the place into a Sammi Palace. I don't care if you're sleeping there 'til I get back, keep it as you found it. You're allowed to add flowers, and that's it. I'll call when I have the bus phone number. Miss you. Don't have too much fun without me,"

February 16th, 1986

"Hey, Sammi, sorry for not calling on Valentine's Day. I got sick all of a sudden. I hope you liked what I sent you. Please call me back; I know I'm an asshole. London was pretty great. I promise to bring you here,"

May 8th, 1986

Santa Barbra, California

Nikki let out an agonizing groan in his pillow, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up, rolling on his back. His head throbbed from his private antics of last night in his private hotel room, trying to remember what day it was or what time it was, knowing he was in this fancy hotel for something. Nikki glanced at the clock on his right that read 4 o'clock, turning on his side again to fall asleep. If someone needed Nikki, they'd bang on the door to wake him up. Nikki didn't care about the day, only wanting to spend time with the love of his life later in the night. A knock made him bust his eyes open, Nikki covering a pillow on his ear.

"Sixx! Your ass better be ready in an hour! I don't wanna be here as much as you!" Vince yelled from behind the door, banging on the door harder with the side of his fist. Nikki didn't get up, only threw the pillow off his head, head leaning up to see the nice clothes Sammi sent him almost a month ago in his suitcase. "Sixx!"

"Okay! I fucking heard you! Thanks, Vinnie," Nikki shouted, stumbling out of bed to walk to the door, slowly opening it. Vince curled his lip and wrinkled his nose in disgust at Nikki's appearance. "Anything else you wanna tell me?"

"When was the last time you took a fucking shower?" Vince whiffed his hand as if he could smell Nikki, smirking at his joke. "Hey, you got some dust to spare or coke? Tommy said he didn't bring anything with him this entire weekend,"

Nikki nodded, walking to the heavy luggage case that sat in the corner of the room. Vince followed Nikki's steps, soon realizing Nikki was the only one who slept here and no trace of Samantha. Vince didn't want to question it, making a mental note to pester Sammi about it later when he felt like it. Nikki pulled two 8-balls; he hid under all his clothes, tossing them over to Vince. "Thanks. Are you good, by the way?" Vince asked, raising a questionable brow to Nikki.

"Perfectly fine. I'm just going to need a little pick me up for when this shit drags on," Nikki said, pulling out a wrapped up baggie of dope, tossing it on the bed. Vince remained silent, looking at the drug, knowing everything could go wrong but only stayed silent. "Alright then, see ya down at the lobby," Vince said, walking back to the room, leaving Nikki to his own devices.

*

Struggling to zip up her bodycon dress by herself, Sammi looked over her shoulder in the large bathroom mirror, cursing under her breath. She let out an annoyed sigh after finally succeeding, smoothing out any wrinkles on the dress, checking herself out. Sammi mixed the curls that framed her face, applied a layer of shimmery lip gloss, and forced a smile to herself. Her eyes dragged down to the jewelry she laid down on the bathroom counter, slowly clipping on two gold bracelets on her wrist, slipping a ring on her right ring finger. Then Sammi paused at the necklace of choice, the black heart shining in the light. Sammi contemplated if she should wear it for the evening, wondering if Nikki would question or even care why she wasn't wearing it. Sammi ended the fight in her mind, taking the necklace from the counter and leaving the bathroom. A soft knock interrupted Sammi's path, making her turn on the balls of her feet, opening the door to reveal Athena ready for the evening.

"Well, don't you look pretty. Almost ready?" Athena asked, stepping into the room. Sammi nodded, clinching the necklace in her fist, walking over to throw it in the sea of clothes of the suitcase. Athena wrinkled the space between her brows at Sammi, throwing the anonymous piece of jewelry, then soon noticing no trace of Nikki. Unlike Vince, Athena questioned right away.

"You and your boyfriend aren't sharing a room?" Athena asked, sitting down on the cleanly made bed. Sammi slipped on a pair of heels Emma picked out for her, looking down away from Athena. She squared her shoulders, still keeping no eye contact with her sister.

"Um no, he and Mick are sharing a room so they can get ready for tomorrow," Sammi mumbled, putting her earrings on.

"That's dumb. They would just need to get ready in Mick's room, and Nikki could still sleep here. Did you two get into a fight or something when he came back? You know you can tell me," Athena pressed.

"Why would I tell you, Athena? You always get pissy when Nikki is even thought of," Sammi spat back, resting a hand on her hip.

"While that is true, I still want to make sure at least you're okay. I figured since this is lasting longer than I thought, I should kinda care,"

"I'm fine. Nikki's fine. We're fine. We didn't get into a fight before coming here," Sammi said to Athena as she looked through the mirror, spraying YSL perfume on her neck. Athena shrugged her shoulders, dropping the conversation. "Are mama and dad ready for the rehearsals?"

"Yeah, they're downstairs already. They wanted me to come and get you. I hope this thing doesn't take forever," Athena said.

"It's mostly telling the wedding party what's going to happen tomorrow. And how we're going to walk down the aisle," said Sammi, swinging her small clutch over her shoulder, heading to the door. "It's not like Tom and Heather are going to start professing their love right now," Sammi giggled as Athena gagged at the romantic thought.

"Do you have an idea who you're going to be paired up with?" Athena asked, following her sister's steps out the door.

"Maybe Mick? Or could also be Heather's brother. I'm sure you'll be with Vince," Sammi said, pressing the elevator down button, leaning against the wall. The sisters waltz right into the white marble elevator for the short ride down to the lobby.

"You think I'll be with Vince? It could look awkward since I'm taller than him in heels," Athena thought.

"You are right, but I doubt Heather would let Tommy pair me up with Vince unless I'm incredibly unlucky,"

"Oh, if you get paired with Vince, make sure Nikki doesn't get jealous," Athena teased, sticking her tongue out at Sammi as she walked out into the rich lobby first. Sammi forced a smile at Athena, loosely crossing her arms, swallowing away any nerves that were beginning to form. She followed Athena at a short distance, skimming at the hotel's décor, chandeliers, and expensive vases. Once the sisters reached one of the sitting areas closest to the outside, Sammi immediately scoped out where Nikki was. Nikki nor Vince and Mick were with the wedding party, making them comparable to 10 minutes late. Sammi stayed silent, walking to her parents, talking to a couple their age with Heather and Tommy.

"And here are my sisters!" Tommy announced, walking over and hugging his arms around each of their girls' shoulders. "Athena, Sammi, I liked to introduce Mr. and Mrs. Locklear!"

"I'm Athena," Athena said shortly, raising a hand.

"And I'm Sammi," Sammi smiled at the couple.

"Oh my gosh, Vi, you just have the most beautiful set of daughters," Mrs. Locklear said to Mrs. Bass, making her smile with pride. Mrs. Locklear gave a hug to the sisters and a kiss on the cheek while Mr. Locklear shook their hands. Heather came behind Tommy with her own siblings, two blonde girls that looked like Heather and a tall blonde man. Two men were beside the two girls, dressed in suits.

"Oh great, you've met my parents! Athena, Sammi, I'd also like to introduce you to my siblings," Heather said with a smile. "This is Laurie, Colleen, and Mark!"

"Hi!" the three siblings said in unison with a wave.

"Hey!" Sammi and Athena responded.

"And also Laurie's fiancé and Colleen's boyfriend," The two men waved behind their respective partners.

"It's so nice to finally meet everyone. Heather's talked so much about you guys," Laurie said with a bright smile. Three girls also came with their own pair of men, smiling at Athena and Sammi.

"Oh Athena, Sammi, these are my best friends that I've known my whole life. They're going to be bridesmaids," Heather said. "This is Denise," A brunette who could be a model. "Katy," A blonde with the face of a sweetheart. "And Jessica," another blondie who could be a model. "And their boyfriend's who are groomsmen with them," The three men looked like triplets, the same proper clean-cut, handsome men. David, Richard, and Dylan were their names.

"It's so nice meeting you two. I love your dress, Sammi," Katy said.

"Thank you," Sammi responded.

"Heather has also said so much about you two," Jessica added.

"Oh really? I hope it's all good things," Athena teased, Sammi elbowing her in the ribs.

"Of course! I'm happy to have two new sisters!" Heather said, hugging Athena and Sammi by the shoulders.

"And we're happy if Heather's happy!" Mrs. Locklear added, smiling to everyone.

"As are we. Heather is an amazing girl who makes our Tommy very happy," Mrs. Bass said. The bride and groom's parents talked amongst themselves for a moment, Heather and her siblings joining in to be in their own little world. When Sammi still couldn't see Nikki or the other two come, Sammi pulled Tommy to her level.

"Where the hell are the guys," Sammi whispered in Tommy's ear.

"I was gonna ask you. You're supposed to be in charge of your boyfriend," Tommy said, glancing around in secret to not make anyone question them.

"I haven't even seen him all day. Aren't you supposed to be in charge of your groomsmen?" Sammi sassed back, scowling as a group of three men in sunglasses popped out of nowhere behind Tommy, walking towards the group. Sammi spun Tommy around, Tommy letting out a scuff at the men. He marched right up to him, grabbing Nikki by the shoulders, whispering something to Vince and Mick. Sammi didn't go straight to the boys; she stood by Athena to listen to polite conversations but would glance at Nikki. Sammi could tell Nikki wasn't one hundred percent sober, seeing him adjust his dark sunglasses and drink from a mysterious cup. Sammi only breathed in to calm herself, remembering to be poise for the special weekend. A clap suddenly burst everyone's attention to a tall slim woman with a clipboard under her arm.

"Hi everyone!" she announced in a stronger leader voice. "I would like to introduce myself. My name is Patricia Wallace and I am the wedding planner for the beautiful marriage of Tommy and Heather. Is everyone from the wedding party here?" Patricia asked, scanning the room.

"Yes everyone's here… finally," Tommy said, shooting daggers at his band.

"Perfect! If you all will follow me outside, please? We will be heading to the altar!" Patricia said in a chipper voice, leading the way to one of the three wedding spots the hotel designed. Sammi looped her arm with Athena's, this making Athena question Sammi with a frown.

"What?" Sammi asked.

"You're not going to talk to Nikki?" Athena asked, glancing behind her, where Nikki dragged his feet into the following.

"I'll talk to him later. I don't want to want to drag out this rehearsal longer than it has to be," Sammi said convincingly, smiling at Athena in hopes she would drop it. The party walked out to a secluded area from the hotel, the ocean shore visible in the distance behind the white altar with flowers wrapped spiraling downwards. Rows of linen-covered chairs were already set, 500 to be exact for all of Heather and Tommy's guests. Patricia stood at the head of the altar, reading off her clipboard. Everyone sat at the front from the sea of chairs, waiting to hear what Patricia had to say.

"Okay, I'm going to start announcing who is paired up with who for the bridesmaid and groomsman. When I say your name please walk towards the back to practice walking down." Patricia ordered, clicking a pen as she looked down her clipboard. "Maid of Honor: Laurie and Best Man: Nikki," Laurie got up quick compared to Nikki, following her orders. Mick shoved Nikki to pay attention, making him quickly walk to the back. Sammi looked to the end, seeing Laurie look weirded out by Nikki while Nikki only waved a hand. "Colleen and Mark," Sammi tried not to frown when Mark got paired with his sister, knowing there was Mick still available. "Denise and David. Katy and Richard. Jessica and Dylan," Patricia said, all six moving to the back. "Samantha and Vince," Vince and Sammi looked dead at each other, Athena snickering at herself as their names were announced. They still followed orders, Sammi making an effort to not show her emotions. As the two stood with the other four, Vince offered his arm with Sammi, smirking at his ex-girlfriend. Sammi only rolled her eyes, shoving his arm away from her. While no one could see it, Nikki was glaring right at Vince, biting the inside of his cheek. Athena and Mick soon joined the rest of the party, Athena smiling like a Cheshire cat towards Sammi. Heather and her father entered the others, walking towards the back as Tommy stood in his spot at the altar.

"Now let's pretend the music is playing! Arms looped together! Athena and Mick begin walking," Patricia yelled out, snapping her fingers to the counts of the traditional Bridal March. Athena and Mick walked forward slowly, Vince offering his arm once again, Sammi accepting with dread. "Now Samantha and Vince!" Sammi inhaled sharply, Vince leading in steps as the two walked down the aisle. "Samantha, remember to smile softly on the big day!" Patricia called out, Sammi giving her a bleak smile as the two stood in front of her. Sammi and Vince parted ways, Sammi standing in front of Athena.

"Guess you really do have bad luck," Athena whispered with a suppressed giggle. Sammi discreetly gave Athena the middle finger, pretending to scratch her shoulder, only making Athena giggle into her hand. After Heather made it to the altar, the party stood in place while Patricia performed a mock wedding. The only thing Sammi could pay attention to was Nikki, aggressively tapping his foot as if he was annoyed. His skin looked pale in the sunlight, almost as if he were sick and started to fall skinny. All Sammi needed to do was rip Nikki's sunglasses off to check his eyes. His eyes told everything Sammi required to know, to yell at him about what he's been doing when she wasn't around.

"Alrighty then!" Patricia announced, snapping Sammi back to reality, bringing her attention to the wedding planner. "Bridesmaids please report to Heather's suite at 9 in the morning to begin hair and makeup. Groomsmen you will have the luxury of getting ready in your own rooms but make sure to report at the downstairs waiting smoking room at 2 for photos. At 4 o'clock will be the brides and bridesmaids photos at a designated garden in the hotel far away from the groom. Any questions?" Everyone was quiet. "Perfect! You all can begin walking back to the hotel where dinner will be served in a private dining room," Patricia said, guiding everyone out of the wedding venue once again, Sammi walking behind everyone. As the group entered the lobby, Sammi grabbed Nikki's arm in a tight grip, pulling him into an empty hallway, eyes glaring at the man. Nikki stumbled, leaning a hand on the wall for balance, frowning at Sammi.

"What's your problem?" Nikki asked,

"My problem? You should be asking yourself that. Why have you been ignoring me," asked Sammi, stabbing a sharp finger on Nikki's chest.

"I'm not ignoring you. Sorry that I'm not living up to Ms. Samantha's standards," Nikki slurred.

"Nikki, I haven't seen you since January. You've been back for a month so clearly, you are,"

"I don't have to see you every single day you know? I can be away from you,"

Sammi flared her nostril, pressing her lips firmly together. "You're such an ass," Sammi said, shaking her head.

"Yeah like you didn't already know that sweetheart," Nikki slurred. Suddenly Sammi reached for Nikki's sunglasses to yank off but was soon halted by Nikki. Even in a hazy state, he managed to react fast to Sammi's hand, gripping her arm tightly to stop her. Sammi let out a small gasp with knitted brows, shocked at the hard grasp from Nikki. Sammi tried to pull away from Nikki, only making Nikki form a tighter grip that began to hurt. This caused Sammi to grow scared of her boyfriend, swallowing nerves as she stared at Nikki. Nikki lowered his face closer to Sammi. "Can you drop this and just be fucking happy?"

"Nikki, please let go of my arm. You're hurting me," Sammi whispered out, Nikki finally listening. "Please be on your best behavior. For me and Tommy? You're going to be around our parents and Heather's,"

"I don't care about your parents. I never told you I was going to be a great fucking boyfriend. Let's just go and finally eat," Nikki said, pulling Sammi in for a rough kiss, forcing himself on her. Sammi pushed Nikki right as she felt the lips, glaring at her boyfriend. The two stared at each in silence, feeling tension grow more between them. Sammi only walked away from Nikki, calming herself down in her mind and in her breathing. Nikki dragged a hand across his mouth, wandering aimlessly in the opposite direction of Sammi. He only thought about the love of his life in his bedroom. Sammi was the last to enter the private dining room that was candle-lit, seeing everyone talk amongst themselves with drinks in their hands. Sammi grabbed a champagne glass on a table, taking it all in one gulp, hoping no one would notice. As she grabbed another glass, Vince walked up to Sammi with a little smirk on his lips, looking behind for Nikki.

"No boyfriend?" Vince asked, sipping his champagne. Sammi sighed out, looking dead ahead of her. "I noticed how you two aren't sharing a room. Is something going wrong between you two lovebirds?" Vince asked again, stepping closer to Sammi, making her eyes fall to him.

"We're fine, Vince," Sammi said with a hint of sadness. Vince gazed up and down Sammi's face, examining any clues he could bring up with her. "I mean it,"

"You sure? I know we've had our fair share of bad moments but you can tell me what's wrong," Vince said. Sammi sipped her champagne, looking around the room if Nikki was coming back.

"I noticed Sharise isn't here with you. Is something wrong between you two lovebirds?" Sammi asked, frowning at Vince. Vince only shook his head, keeping a smirk on his lips, sipping his champagne, and maintaining straight eye contact with Sammi.

"I'll tell you my relationship problems if you tell me yours,"

"Maybe tomorrow," Sammi answered, going to take a seat on the long dining table, waiters placing the first dish of the evening. Athena sat next to Sammi, looking at Vince diagonally across from her.

"Vince bugging you?" Athena whispered to Sammi.

"It's nothing. Let's just eat," Sammi said, taking one last giant gulp of her second champagne for the evening.

May 9th, 1986

Sammi stared out into oblivion, toning out conversations between the bridesmaids as she sat in a high chair, getting her hair done. Everyone was having a cheerful time while drinking on mimosas, eating tiny sandwiches, and waiting their turn for the makeup chair. Athena would occasionally glance to her sister, noticing how Sammi was almost silent the entire time they were getting ready. Athena began to become worried for Sammi, questioning why she would be so troubled on a happy day. Athena didn't pester Sammi after the rehearsal dinner on Nikki's whereabouts, or Vince's often peeking at Sammi. Athena felt guilty, knowing she put Sammi in a headspace of not opening up with each other after Nikki. Emma and Sabrina weren't at the wedding, making Sammi feel extra alone even when in a room filled with people. Once Sammi was finished with hair and makeup, she hid away in the bathroom to put on the same bridesmaids dress all the girls wore. It was a blush-colored strapless mermaid dress, almost like Heathers, with ruffles at the neckline. Sammi starred in the mirror for a few seconds, then began smiling happily to herself. "You're happy. You're happy. It's a happy day," Sammi whispered to herself, spraying perfume on her neck. Sammi gave out one last smile to motivate her mind before stepping back into the chaotic hotel suite, Heather coming straight to her, grabbing her hand softly.

"Sam, can you do me a huge favor when you're done getting ready or- or after that even?" Heather asked with hair rollers in her hair, makeup ready for photos.

"What's up?"

"After we take photos, could you please check on Tommy and the guys? Mainly the band? I know I don't have to worry about my brother and the other guys. I love your brother but I know the antics he can get up too," Heather asked, scrunched eyebrows with worry.

"Oh of course I'll go check on them. I would've gone to see Tommy anyways,"

"Thank you! The dress looks great on you by the way!" Heather said, hugging Sammi before heading to get her hair done. Sammi forced a smile back, walking to the suite's small dining table, eating something for the long day.

*

Strutting down the marble floor hallway alone, Sammi began her search for the smoke room. She asked a kind employee to point her in direction after realizing the multiple rooms spread out in the hotel. Turning a sharp corner into a secluded hallway, Sammi soon saw Dylan and Mark speaking with cigars in their hands, a cup of brandy in the other. Sammi walked up to the two men, quickly getting their attention.

"Hey guys, are you all done with photos?" Sammi asked politely, making an effort for small talk.

"Yep! We're just enjoying ourselves before the grand event," Dylan said, smoking his cigar. "Want a puff?" Dylan offered.

"Oh no thank you, I'm kind of on a mission for Heather. Is this Tommy in the smoke room?" Sammi asked, pointing down the hall.

"Yeah he is and so are the rest of his brothers," Mark said, almost intimidated by the band.

"I hope they're not giving you guys any trouble. I know the four of them can push people's buttons easily. They really are all sweethearts underneath,"

"They're not, but I know if my mom saw me with those men, she'd want me away from them," Dylan joked, sipping in his brandy. Sammi let out a fake laugh and nodded along to the man who tried to make himself feel big.

"I wouldn't call them sweethearts but you hang out with them more than we do," Mark said with a smile.

"True, anyway I'll be on my way. See you two later down the aisle," Sammi said, walking further down the hallway away from the men. Once in front of the lounge door, Sammi knocked on the door gently. She pushed her ear to the door to hear anyone's voice, only hearing how excited Tommy was for the day. Sammi let herself, finding Tommy looking in the mirror in a bright white suit, almost like Heather's dress. She couldn't repress her laugh in time, cackling at what her brother was wearing, catching Tommy's attention.

"What?" Tommy asked, facing Sammi. Sammi giggled for a moment, as she walked in the room, noticing how the three groomsmen looked as tired as last night. Nikki sleeping spread out on one of the sofas, Sammi's smile turning south.

"Didn't you get the memo that only the bride is supposed to be wearing white or did nobody tell you," Sammi said, sitting on the arm of the sofa, seeing Mick drink from a straight vodka bottle.

"Hey, I look good!" Tommy objected, turning back into the mirror to tie his handkerchief around his neck.

"You look like you're about to write the Declaration of Independence," Tommy jaw dropped at the 'insult,' staring back at Sammi. Mick and Vince snickered at Sammi's comment, stopping when Tommy sent a dagger in their direction. "You look like you're going to steal America from Great Britain,"

"Okay, I get it! You don't like my suit! Can you please be nice to me? It's the best day of my life!" Tommy said to Sammi as she withheld a smile.

"Alright, I'm sorry. You look great," Sammi said, glancing at Nikki, beginning to snore. "Shouldn't you guys be on your way to the altar? It's almost 6,"

"You're right, wait why are you here?" Tommy asked.

"I can't see my brother before he gets married?" Sammi asked with a smile.

Tommy hugged Sammi, smiling brightly at everyone in the room. "This really is happening isn't it? She's really gonna marry me, huh? This isn't some kind of sick joke is it?" Tommy asked everyone, turning back to fix his handkerchief.

"Life's a sick joke," Mick coughed out with a tiny laugh, taking a swing of his vodka bottle. Sammi slowly turned a look at Mick with wrinkled brows, Mick ignoring Sammi's gaze that he could feel. Sammi was beginning to feel the tension of Motley as the day kept going.

"Okay now it really is time, we should all get going. Hey Nikki, let's hit it!" Tommy shouted towards Nikki, seeing him not move as he continued to sleep. Tommy faced everyone, checking if Mick and Vince were ready, Vince slowly getting up from his seat. Nikki stayed asleep, Sammi rubbing her fingers together and began to frown in worry. "Yo, best man! Let's go! I got a wife waiting! Come on! Your girlfriends here too! Wake up!" Tommy shouted again at Nikki, scrunching his eyebrows at Sammi as Nikki stayed in the spot. Everyone stared at Nikki. "You're fucking kidding me? Hey Nikki! Wake up asshole!" Tommy galloped over to Nikki, smacking him across his cheeks to wake him up, finally getting a reaction from Nikki, who jumped up in shock.

"What the fuck dude?" Nikki crocked, taking his sunglasses off from his eyes, adjusting to any bright light. Sammi stood up, wiping her hand on her dress in an attempt to calm herself down, walking over to the door slowly. Nikki looked around to see Sammi frown at him, licking lips in preparation for a lie. "I'm good. It's all good," Nikki mumbled, barely audible.

"You're most definitely not all good, man. Whatever, just clean-," Tommy stopped mid-sentence as Nikki stumbled right into the glass cocktail table, knocking over a few things off the table. Sammi wanted to leave but didn't want Nikki to make things worse, staying to handle everything. "Hey!" Tommy said, gripping Nikki by his arms, bringing him on his feet. "Get your shit together! I don't want Heather to be embarrassed, okay? Or even Sammi, man,"

"I'm embarrassing to you Bass siblings? Cool," Nikki slurred, grabbing an open bottle of beer. Sammi looked at everyone, checking the clock on the wall if everyone was still on time. Nikki glared at Tommy and Sammi, sipping the warm beer. "Let's go marry your fancy-ass tv wife in this fancy-ass hotel," Nikki said, slipping some of his beer. "Then how about I talk to my in-laws and embarrass Sammi, huh?"

"Hey! Are you going to do this on the happiest day of my life, asshole?" Tommy shouted, stepping closer to Nikki's face. Sammi quickly walked right in between them, gently pushing Tommy a little bit away.

"Guys please let's not do this right now. We have to start getting to the altar or people will be pissed," Sammi warned the two, knowing Tommy would be the only one to understand. "Especially Heather,"

"The happiest day of your life? Nah, The happiest day of your life was when I let you join my band," Nikki slurred over Sammi, pressing his body up against her back. Tommy glared right at Nikki, walking to the center of the room.

"Should I get someone else to be my best man?" Tommy asked Vince and Mick, Vince putting his hands up as a no.

"I'll do it, drummer," Mick said, trying with all his strength to stand up from the sofa.

"I already got the fucking rings, lets just go alright?" Nikki slurred, leaning on Sammi for support, his hand on her shoulder. His touch made Sammi's skin crawl for the first time, Sammi shoving Nikki away from her. Tommy stormed out of the room without saying another word, Mick and Vince following him with hesitation. Sammi let out a sigh, facing Nikki with a scowl on. "What?" Nikki slurred.

"Clearly nothing I say will make you be nice to any of us. You better not fuck up Tommy's wedding, Nikki. I'm begging you," Sammi said to Nikki before she stormed out of the room, resting her back against the wall. Sammi could then hear the sound of glass breaking coming from the inside, closing her eyes and calming her breathing.

"You're happy. You're happy. You're happy. It's a happy day. It's a happy day," Sammi repeated to herself and put on a bright fake smile that could convince anyone who passed her.

*

Dum. Dum. Dum.  "Good evening everyone! I hope you all are enjoying this lovely event for my daughter and now new son-in-law," Mr. Locklear announced on the microphone on the stage, cutting off the music as everyone began finishing their meals. Sammi sat quietly at the wedding party table with Athena in the very end, staring into space as the party moved on without her. Just like in the morning, Sammi could tune out everyone with ease, her minding running to different things. Such as where Nikki had been hiding since dinner. It was the first time Sammi didn't want to speak to Nikki, and to her, it seemed as if Nikki didn't want to talk to Sammi. Alas, Sammi knew she had to search for her boyfriend soon enough before anyone began questioning her. Claps snapped Sammi out of her daydream, clapping along to whatever Heather's dad just toast to, the music for dancing starting to play. Tommy seemed to be in his own world as he should but would still glance at the empty space where Nikki was supposed to sit.

"Wanna dance?" Athena asked Sammi, bumping shoulders.

"Not right now, I'm not in the mood," Sammi said, scratched her neck and lowered her eyes to the table. Athena pressed her lips together in sympathy, knowing now how Nikki was bringing Sammi down. She could see Nikki's stumbling, his dark circles, the drastic change in her appearance to know something was wrong with the man. It was evident to everyone that Tommy's best man had something going on. Mr. and Mrs. Bass did not want to ask their children any questions, worried about Sammi. Athena only hugged Sammi by her shoulders, resting her head against hers as they watched the massive room of people dance the night away.

"I'll be right by back. I need a cigarette," Sammi said, shuffling out of her seat, moving away without hearing Athena's words. She carefully passed the sea of people, ignoring the need to put on fake smiles, and headed straight out of the ballroom. Sammi looked to her right and left, deciding to run down an empty hallway to the left of everything. She walked further to find the restrooms for ladies and gentlemen, peeking inside the men. It was completely bare from a quick glance, but Sammi could see a man sitting down in the handicap stall through the mirror. She went in quietly to not scare off the man on the floor but knew they could see her visible high heels. Sammi kicked open the locked door, hearing the drop of a needle from the fright as Sammi walked in. She saw Nikki on the ground with everything he needed to get high spread out on the floor. Sammi's mouth became ajar, staring at the needle then slowly making eye contact with Nikki. His eye pupils pinpoint small, his arms blue and purple from where he stabbed himself with the heroin. Sammi inhaled sharply, not sure to yell or run out.

"Nikki what the fuck!?" Sammi yelled at Nikki, grinding her teeth in anger.

Nikki tried to stand up but ultimately slid back down to the floor, groaning from Sammi, ruining his high. "Sam please. Just drop it okay?" Nikki slurred, supporting all his weight on the handicap rail behind him. Sammi's eyed widened, raising her brows at Nikki's request.

"Drop it? You want me to drop it?" Sammi asked in a mocking tone, almost wanting clarification.

"Yeah just fucking drop it. We'll talk about this tomorrow alright?" Nikki said, standing up straight on his own two feet, feeling lightheaded.

"I'm not going to ignore you shooting up at Tommy's wedding! What the fuck is wrong with you Nikki?! You haven't used junk in months!"

"I said fucking drop it!" Nikki hissed, using all his force to grab Sammi by the shoulders, pressing her up against the wall. His grip tightened, harder than yesterday, which scared Sammi, eyes frozen up as she stared up at Nikki. "Do not tell anyone you saw me get high okay?" Nikki whispered to Sammi through his teeth, not realizing the tears forming in Sammi's eyes even when being so close.

"Nikki, get off of me," Sammi said with a shaky breath, making Nikki tighten his grip on her.

"Are you going to be a good girlfriend and keep this to yourself?" Nikki asked.

In a quick motion, Sammi was able to knee Nikki in his groin with all the force she could make from the tight dress. Nikki let out a painful groan, letting Sammi go as he hurled over, getting pushed to the ground. Sammi raced out of the stall, looking down at Nikki. "I'm not your fucking girlfriend!" Sammi yelled out, running out of the bathroom and hallway as she wiped away any tears. She needed to calm her breathing down before going back into the ballroom, sitting down on the sofa just before the doors. Sammi rested her head on her hands, breathing in slowly through her nose then out through her mouth. After a few times of breathing, Sammi straightened her shoulders and repeated herself.

"You're happy. You're happy. You're happy. You're happy. It's a happy day," Sammi got up with a smile on her face, walking just in time for the couples dance. She aimed straight for her chair but was halted by a soft hand touching her arm; turning to see Vince with a smile, she smiled back. "Hey," Sammi said.

"Care for a dance?" Vince asked, offering out his hand, Can't Help Falling In Love being sung out by a young woman to the whole party. Sammi didn't object, taking Vince's hand and walking to a vacant spot on the dance floor. Vince rested his hand on Sammi's hip while holding out her hand with his, Sammi relaxing her hold on Vince's shoulder. They swayed softly to the music, enjoying the Elvis classic that was played at every wedding. "So enjoying the wedding?" Vince asked quietly. Sammi hesitated to respond, shrugging her shoulders and giving a nod that Vince didn't believe. "You sure?"

"I've had better nights,"

"And where's your boyfriend? I haven't seen him since we all sat down. I think the Best Man is supposed to make a speech,"

"He's not my boyfriend anymore," Sammi said in a somber tone, looking away from Vince.

"I guess we're both single then. What a coincidence," Vince said, spinning Sammi.

"You and Sharise?"

"Sharise packed all her stuff and left when we got back. She didn't like me being away for a long time. Some people just can’t handle it. Unlike you,"

"I only handle it by keeping myself busy when you all aren't here. I miss the hell out you guys if I'm being honest," Sammi smiled at Vince. Vince stared right at Sammi, remembering the time it was only them.

"I miss you too. I miss you all the time," Vince admitted, Sammi took back by the sentiment. "I miss us, Sammi. I know I can be a dick at times especially lately but I do miss and love you,"

"Vince,"

"No, let me finish, please. I only acted like an asshole to you because I want you back and you know that. I want you to move in with me or hell I'll buy us a new house, your dream house. We can raise Skylar together. I'll go to therapy with you if you want. I'll do anything if I can get you back because I love you,"

Sammi closed her eyes for a moment, wrinkling her brows deeply. "Vince I can't,"

"Why not? Give me one good reason,"

"Because I'm leaving," Sammi said, right as the music ended in perfect timing, changing to a more upbeat tune for everyone. Sammi let go of Vince, frowning at him while he tried to understand what she meant.

"What do you mean you're leaving?" Vince asked. Sammi grabbed Vince by the hand, leading him to the ballroom's outdoor balcony, a quieter place to talk.

"I'm moving at the end of the month to San Francisco. It's something that just happened,"

"For what? What's in San Francisco that you can't get back home?"

"School,"

"You can get school here, Sammi. You're kidding, right? You've got to be kidding about leaving. You can't leave," Vince said, frowning at Sammi.

Sammi sighed out, shaking her head as she looked up at the night sky. "Vince I don't want to explain right now. I wasn't even going to tell you,"

"Until when? You were planning on leaving?"

"I'll explain tomorrow okay? I promise," Sammi said, smiling weakly at Vince, who appeared mad and sad at the same time. Vince nodded, grabbing Sammi's hand as the two went back into the ballroom to finish the happy day.

[dunmerofskyrim]

25

Dying has its own scent. Different from rot and from bloodspill, the moment itself,  the close-by before, the immediate after, all have a scent of their own. Simra knew that well enough. Place and time might subject the reek to their subtleties. Scaleskins dying in the humid heat of the far south, the Blackmarsh borderlands. Dunmer letting go their misty last breaths in a salt-scented Ebonheart winter. Subtle differences, but they were sibling things all the same.

The scent of dying had gone from this place and turned to the stench of death. A sour complexity, unfinished and final. Bodies becoming bodies as they voided themselves; let slip dignity, let slip life, then let slip warmth and what came after.

Simra sat on the shape of a hide and wicker shield. He’d found it, abandoned in the fighting, face-up on the grass. The whole place felt tainted with the taste of death. Habit kept him from sitting down on the ground at the best of times. Here, he was scarce willing to stand on it. Wrongsoil, blood-tainted, bile-tainted. How could Tammunei feel and hear death all around them, always, and yet feel none of this revulsion? How could they be surrounded by something this and not get lost in it?

Animals die with abandon, Simra thought. No lies with them about the pain of it, the shame of it, the rushing sea-dark fear of it. A guar wails. Its voice becomes a dry grinding sound and then no sound at all. Its head stretches up, neck long and frail, then falls beneath the weight of its head. And in the grass, the corpse is already half-eaten, hidden by the dry-blonde stems. Simple, honest, shameless.

But people put on shows. It’s not that we see clearer and closer to the truth of things, Simra thought. That’s not what makes for people. That’s not all it takes. It’s the lies we tell ourselves, and live by. We see the truths and turn away. We live in their shadows, and say we don’t mind the shade.

He remembered the last rider to die. Legs crushed, caught them under the bulk of the guar that Noor had shot from under him. Still he’d struggled the ruin of his lower body out from its flank. Hand over hand, grinding-slow like climbing a cliff-face, he’d clawed his way through the grass. No telling if he was crawling towards some hopeless hope of escape, or else to seize some scrap of revenge. But Simra remembered his face. The lines of his old features flushed dark. The long dun-black whiskers of his beard, dragging themselves full of dry grass and spilt blood. Knowing this could only end one way, the old mer fought through pain and certainty, empty eyed and with hate held tight in his gritted teeth. And Simra had opened his head. One running blow from his heavy-bladed sword.

Except for that old mer the others had died quick. One bleeding out from her injuries beneath the survivor’s guar. One stuck through with two arrows and struck by Simra’s wand, ribs screwed in to crush and pierce the soft parts they were meant to protect. One carried at spearpoint down from his guar and finished on the ground with a knife. One last lay mangled by Tammunei’s leashed ghost, a few red feet of throat spooled out from their neck like they’d been dragged by it, then discarded.

On his shield-seat, Simra hunched over his work and did what was needful. Red hands, but no sense cleaning them. Not til the dirty work was done. Needle and twine, needle and twine, he threaded five grey ears onto a length of rough string.

He’d gone about, sleepwalker-slow, checking each dead face against the woodcut and clayprinted handbills he kept in his bookbag. Seemed he’d been right. Dolgrassur was an Angkut name. The name of a dead mer now.

“Five ears makes five bounties. One for a named name,” he said. Better to think aloud than let his thoughts run wild in silence. He could slow them this way; censor himself. Better to think out loud. Busy hands and busy mind.

Noor knelt nearby, working with a knife to cut her arrowheads from Tiamtar Dolgrassur’s body and thigh. Already the corpse was missing one ear, and a shined-shell stud from the lobe of the other. “Are you happy now?” she said.

“It’s twelve glass drams, give or take, once we’re at Othrenis.”

“You say this like it ought to mean something.”

“What it means is we’ve got enough to charter a boat once we’re at Davon’s Watch.” Mouth twisting, Simra set down the string of grizzly trophies on a scrap of cloth cut from a bandit’s ruined shirt. Pockets, bags, saddles, he’d gone through them all and searched out their salt. All of it lay on that cloth-scrap now. A half-gleaming heap of sea-grey and shining white; a bed beneath the string of severed ears. He gathered the cloth’s edges up to make a pouch and tied it off with the last of the twine. “It’s enough for passage to Molag Mar…”

He turned the idea over in his mind. Asked questions of its angles and underbelly. Enough.

Ears waiting on transmutation at the hands of a smalltown clerk; gristle to be turned into glass. Enough.

He looked over the rest of what lay before him: the spoils of what they’d done here, grouped and arranged neat as the tables in a scrivener’s ledger. A polished shell earring; a string of clay and lacquer prayer-beads, blue then red then black, then blue and over again. A necklace formed like a cascade of bronze plates that hung from a plaited string of beads the colour of copper patina. A clay flask of strong drink: sujamma, as far as any batch of sujamma was like any other. A lacquered wood box of birch-tar. A little oval luckstone, glazed ceramic, painted with a purple pattern of anther leaves that twined and entwined on a backdrop of white. An enamelled kindling-kit, the inside of its lid painted with a cameo of a red-headed mer, and inscribed with a bad verse in formal Dunmeris: ‘in every fire that lights my nights / let me remember my spark.’ Enough.

Already he wore a new bangle on his left wrist: a band of indigo bronze, smooth on its inside, and with nine hammered sides facing out. Each facet was etched with an eye; five open, four closed, all shaped like diamonds and scratched into the metal by a hand less skilled than the one that had first forged the bracelet. Enough.

And then there were the arms, the armour. A short dagger-headed axe. Another curved Vereansu sabre. Eighteen decent arrows in a waxcloth quiver and an etched leather bow-sheathe, from one rider’s broken bow. A dirk of shaped and sharpened chitin, blue-black and shining. A helmet formed like a hood of oil-black mail with a peak of red-painted bonemould, articulating down to cover the forehead and shade the eyes. Five pairs of boots. Enough.

“It’s enough,” Simra said again. But the words had no force except a kind of sadness. “Dunno that we need to risk the other six bounties. Dunno that I want to, today.”

Hard to remember now if it had always been this way. There was a rush in it: lying, fighting, chancing it all for the gain. The lavish almost-pride he could take in violence, but only in violent moments. But it always seemed more than it was; more, before it began. The killing came easier, but after it was done there was always a waiting edge, easier still to fall from.

Simra’s mouth was dry. A slip of tongue flickered out to wet his lips. He set his spine. Made his whole body stiff to stop the slouch of his back, the start of a shudder in his shoulders. He stood and clasped his shaking hands — stilled them, with each hand a tight violence against the other, like holding down a rabbit to wring its neck. He felt the bones grind. Felt a third hand close around his wrist. A cold length of terror slid under his ribs, parting skin from bone to get to his heart.

“Not real. Not now.” Simra balled shut his eyes. Opened them again, hard, filling them up with the here and now. “Not now.”

Noor was staring at him, up from beside the body. “What?”

A flush blazed on Simra’s neck. “Nothing,” he snapped, stamping over to the corpse and snatching up its waterskin. He upended it over his hands, one by one, scouring the blood from both. His eyes searched starving for something to fill his mind with. Focus before the panic came. Not now. Please not now.

Tammunei laboured a short call away from Noor and Simra. Arms under the arms of a body, they hefted its bulk up, dragging it backwards, heave by scraping heave. The body had hair the colour of yellow ivory. A leather longcoat. A head half-ruined at one side by the downward strike of a sword. Bandrys.

Galgas knelt nearby, still roped tight around the arms with a braided leather lariat. “Leave him! Stop!” His shrieks came ragged from a blood-soaked mouth. Clothes, face, scalp — everything about him was torn. The riders had dragged him to pieces when they dragged him across the plain. But Galgas was still alive and hysterical with it. “Stop touching him!”

For all Galgas’ screaming, Tammunei heaved Bandrys away and laid him down, arms folded on his body’s barrel chest. “He deserves rites. I can give them to him,” they said in slow gentle Dunmeris.

“Get your hands off my brother, you filth! All of you! All of you!” Galgas staggered to stand, arms still bound. He fought against the rope. Fought a few steps towards Tammunei when the rope proved too much for him.

Tammunei took a half-step back, head angling down, red hair half-covering their face. Shrinking body, shrinking pose, they backed away from the corpse and the corpse’s brother.

“Bastard! It’s you! You did this to us!”

“I did this to you,” Simra barked, blunt-sharp as flint. Striding over, he stood at Tammunei’s sloping shoulder and stared Galgas into stillness, five strides from them both. This would do, he told himself. This would do for a mask to wear, to hide from himself for a time. “Don’t look at them. Don’t you dare look at them. Look at me. I did this.” Simra jabbed a finger into his own chest. “I did this to you. But only as far as you didn’t do this to yourselves.”

“Fetcher! Fucker! I’ll pull your fucking teeth!” Pink spit sprayed from Galgas’ mouth. He broke back into motion and made to charge, not knowing what he’d do to Simra, to Tammunei — only that he needed his hands on him.

Simra had seen that kind of rage before; had felt that kind of rage before. He knew not to gamble against it. He raised a pointing finger. “Galgas, by your name be bound!” he barked. Old words, old Dunmeris, a dialect hard and legal. He made his hand a cage. The words, the name, the gesture formed the shape of the spell and it snatched at Simra’s insides, stinging like hunger as it went.

Galgas’ eyes gaped wide and red, sore-pink round his lids, his running nose, his drooling ground-cut mouth. He stumbled as his legs turned strange, his limbs stiff and his muscles slack.

“By your sins be weighed,” Simra hissed.

Bones and flesh, clothes and armour, all of it hung heavy with the press of the spell. Temple magic, Ordinator magic, used to run down criminals, fugitives. Telling, that the spell paid no mind to innocence. Galgas lay slumped, face half-flat to the ground. He was silent now too, tongue too heavy to lift from the bloody floor of his mouth.

“Listen.” Simra walked over to Galgas, crouching down by his head. His voice was quiet, patient as only cruelty can be. “I know what you’re thinking. You think I enjoy this. You’re thinking, how could anyone enjoy this? Any right-minded person. But that’s just the thing. I’m not like this. Not on the ordinary. I’m a reasonable person. But following some poor bit of scrawn from a cornerclub to the first alley you find, hoping for an easy jump — that’s you and your brother, isn’t it? You and him, on the fucking ordinary. You look at me, you follow me, you turn that sad little act on me. If anything’ll make my right-mind go quiet for a bit, it’s that.”

Eyes livid, Galgas could only stare up at Simra. A small strained noise fought free of his throat.

“If anything’ll kill my pity dead, it’s your greedy fucking gullibility. Threaten me? Insult my friends, insult my blood, and you think after all that I’ll still play nice? Would you have done the same? Fuck…”

Tammu crouched next to Bandrys and made to pick up a handful of dust to start the rites they’d promised.

“Leave him!” Simra snarled, knotting the muscles of his neck with how hard his head snapped round. “Leave him for the racers and the buzzards and the crows. Leave him for his brother.” He kissed his teeth and looked down at Galgas. “He ran straight into this. Chose this, far back as Ouadabridge, and chose every turn along the way. You followed, like I reckon you always have. But all along, remember it was Simra Hishkari leading you both by your greed; keeping you blind on your blindness. And if I told you the pleasure I got from this was just professional, I’d be a fucking liar.”

Simra forced the worst grin he could muster onto his face. Bared teeth and broken lips; scars and cold-brewed cruelty.

“I robbed you, used you. Just like you would have done to me. I benefited from you. But you’re wrong if you think that makes me just as bad as you. It’s not that I’m the better man. It’s just that I’m nothing like you, Galgas. I am so – much – worse.”

Simra eased up from his crouch and turned on one heel to walk back to the pile of spoils.

“Give it an hour and you’ll be able to move again. Another while and you’ll be out from that rope. Deal with your brother, do what you want. Just have the good fucking sense not to follow me again, Galgas. Learn, live, and remember.” Drained by spells, fight, false-facing, it was all Simra could to keep the crow in his voice. His face had already slackened, tired and unsmiling. “Noor, Tammunei, pack this lot and round up their mounts. We’re done here.”

The pit of Simra’s stomach was sour. The tread of his feet was heavy. This is you, he told himself. This is what you do. Perhaps things would be easier if any of it was true. His hands at least had stopped shaking. The pressure round his wrist had gone. When the panic came, what else did he have to feed it but lies? Pieces of himself? He’d lose no more of them.

Half-stripped corpses and a swathe of blackened grass. Soil gone dark and rich with blood beneath a smoke-fed sky. On a pair of guar, the three of them rode away.

Simra slouched behind Tammunei in the saddle. Hands tight as terror on their waist, head heavy on their shoulder. He breathed in the blue-grey scent of Tammunei’s knotted red hair and stared over the plains in silence.