#fuck i wish i wasnt too stupid to not be able to say what i want

[widevibratobitch]

how many vent posts about your mother are you allowed in one day before tumblr kills you with hammers asking for a friend

[mythalism]

i think what people need to understand is that no amount of essays assuring me of veilguard's strengths, of which i agree there are plenty, is going to change the fact that the emotional experience veilguard prompted within me (and for many others) while i played it was a deeply negative one. discomfort at best, painful at worst. im talking stomach aches. visceral, somatic creeping disappointment and dread that i tried to fight for hours and hours but eventually had no choice but to accept. i stopped wanting to play entirely around 30 hours. i felt vaguely ill. i felt anxious. i could not sleep for a few days. and im not saying i felt sick because it was so bad, but that i felt sick because of the sinking realization that i was about to be terribly, horribly disappointed after so, so long. you could call me dramatic and im sure someone will. idk what to tell you. my emotions manifest physically long before they become decipherable or understandable to me mentally, especially when they're 10 years in the making. probably an autism symptom. regardless, it was genuinely pretty awful, especially because i had immense good faith for this game. i was so hopeful and optimistic and generally thrilled and literally anyone who followed me before october 31 would know that. the emotional whiplash and crash was intense and devastating, and i was reeling for days. you cannot tell me that this experience was "wrong" or "toxic" due to it's negative nature. it was entirely involuntary and outside of my control, as i would expect many people's joy was. emotional reactions are not beholden to fandom discourse.

any post i have made criticizing the game since is attempt to make sense of the emotional roller-coaster of the past 10 years, this summer, and finally this game's release. i do not come on here and write out my criticisms of veilguard because i want YOU to dislike it too. the nature of my essays are not persuasive. if they do persuade you its just because i am a well-trained essayist. sorry. if they dont, great! that wasnt the point. i have no desire to change anyone's mind on the game, in fact i actually would not wish the disappointment i felt on anyone. the fact that i have a lot of followers who agree with what i say and who spread the thoughts i express across tumblr is literally out of my control. when i write out my long-winded criticisms, it is out of a need to express and externalize that sinking, cold feeling i had while playing, in pursuit of understanding exactly why playing that game felt that way to me. identifying, analyzing and verbalizing is the only way i have been able to process my experience. its confessional and therapeutic more than anything. it helps other people understand their own difficult emotional process with the game. its not an attempt to ruin your fun. my negative experience with veilguard does not invalidate anyone else's positive one.

i see so many posts acting like all criticism is an intentional, targeted hate campaign and i dont understand that assumption. to what ends? what would that achieve? why would i bother with such a thing? maybe that is some people's intention in the deep hater corners of this website, and im blissfully unaware. if it is, fuck them. its certainly the intention of annoying grifters, but i feel the distinction between transphobe grifters and devastated fans is pretty clear, so im not sure why the lines are deliberately blurred as if those groups are remotely similar. some of my criticisms come from a more objective place. the writing comes to mind, and it's a consistent criticism from thousands of players. but just because i consider it to be poorly executed, does not make it unlovable. and when i say that i think its poorly done, i am not saying that you cannot or should not love it, or that you are stupid for loving it. maybe someone out there is saying that!!! but i am not. things do not have to be perfect to be enjoyable. they dont even have to be well executed to be enjoyable. "i think x aspect of veilguard is poorly done for yz reasons" is a completely different sentence than "you should not like x aspect of veilguard for yz reasons". these are not the same statements. i see so many posts that are so vitriolic and acting like two experiences of this game cannot coexist, that one has to win and be objectively right, moralizing them on a false axis of positivity = good and negativity = bad, and acting like the existence of one negates the experience of the other. and why? why would that be true? i literally love so many things that other people think are absolute ass. i also love plenty of things that i myself think are actual ass. i love them anyway. this is allowed and really fun. i am not sure who told you that it is not.

however, i have just as much of a right to express my disappointment as you have to express your excitement. i am genuinely happy for everyone who loves the game, i am glad it resonated, or that you saw yourself in its characters, or that it just scratched your hyperfixation itch. but whatever je ne se quoi it had for you, it did not have for me. i have written out so much criticism about so many aspects of the game, but fundamentally what it comes down to and what i cannot express in words is that while i played after waiting 10 years for that moment, it felt wrong. it wasn't that i had specific expectations for game story that were not met, in fact, it exceeded my expectations in a lot of ways. i mean that in terms of how i felt, something was off. it did not resonate. it did not land. it did not hit the right cord with me. i did not have enough moments of joy to outweigh the feeling of emptiness. i did not walk away from it feeling the way that the previous games made me feel. and ive been trying to figure out exactly why that is for three months now by talking about it with people who feel similarly. i am not sure that i will ever be able to analyze my way into figuring it out. it might just have to simply be that it left me bereft.

and so my posts are not anti-veilguard hater propaganda to make you feel like shit for loving the game. rather, they are me verbally processing exactly why i feel like shit so i can hopefully stop feeling like shit. to assume that people who are trying to process these negative feelings are toxic and intentionally malicious is a projection made in bad faith. i love dragon age, and it is because i love it so much that it disappointed me, and it is because disappointed me that i have to verbally process it on tumblr.com so that i dont go absolutely insane. i tag my posts properly. i do not go into tags where i do not belong. i do not rage-bait. i am participating in post-partum dragon age therapy between me and my followers. if it ends up on your dash, sorry. my therapy is popular i guess. so please for the love of god enjoy the game, freely and enthusiastically. i am happy for you. i will sit here and be jealous that it spoke to something in your soul that it unfortunately did not speak to in mine, and nothing i say can take that away from you. please stop interpreting it as an attempt to.

[quitealotofsodapop]

Lmk au idea.

Wukong isn't MK's teacher. At least, not in the same way he is in the show.

In this idea I had randomly pop into my head I'm thinking that Wukong had gone above and beyond simply vanishing for 500 years and hiding out on FFM. He straight up changed his identity and went into hiding as a mortal. He says fuck off to being a demon god, fuck off to all the gods and celestials and all his titles. He retires, fully and completely, passing his crown off to his Stalwarts and just becomes a wanderer traveling around, doing odd jobs and never staying in one place too long.

At some point over the centuries he ends up back in the village that he left his staff in, or rather, whay it became. A sprawling metropolis of a city that a person trying to disappear can easily do so. He set up shop, having had many hats over the years he's able to easily pick up a humble job nobody would blink twice at. Mechanics are always sorely needed in large cities after all.

One day at his shop a hauntingly familiar fave appears at his doorstep. Pigsy's truck had broken down while he was out with baby MK on a supply run and Wukong's shop had been the closest mechanic they could find. Wukong could sense something was special about MK, but not what or why and after he fixed up the truck he spent the next hour or so reminding himself that he is not Sun Wukong anymore, he is not part of that life anymore. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Wukong's mechanic work was something Pigsy liked, a lot. The truck was running smoother than if ever did before and the price was a steal! Wukong quickly became the favorite mechanic shop for Pigsy's Noodles and MK began to show up more often at the mechanic shop (he crashed a lot of stuff ok). Wukong ends up becoming the cool mechanic dude who helped teach MK how to mod his hoverboard and would often drop cryptic but helpful advice to the kid, Wukong having settled with the idea that he can look after the kid at least since it doesn't look like Zu Baijie's decendant or the kid were going to go away anytime soon. This led to meeting Tang and Mei, which were... experiences. And Wukong just ends up being a family friend to the Noodle Gang who likes cold vegetarian noodles.

Then a Hero is Born happens. Wukong hadn't been there for that experience. He was "on a supply run" when DBK was freed, he was in a different town entirely. So he wasnt physically present when MK became the Monkie Kid. It doesn't mean he wasn't completely uninvolved, though. Wukong isn't stupid, he knows DBK would eventually be freed, and he also knew it was possible someone else would pick up his staff. Afterall the staff had chosen him, not the other way around. It isn't unfeasable to imagine it'd pick another now that it's owner has put it down. Plus it isn't entirely impossible to imagine whoever it is would seek him out, he was the last known person to wield the Ruyi Jingu Bang after all.

He left a series of visions and astral projected recordings in his cave. The first being triggered should anyone breach his cave, the vision MK first sees when he enters Water Curtain Cave, only it doesn't stop at Wukong just running off. The projection speaks.

Wukong's recording. Looking as laid back and amused as can be: If you're seeing this, congrats! You got past my unstoppable barrier! Unfortunately I'm afraid that you won't be able to find me, as I would have been long gone from this place and am retired! So if your here for an autograph I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave.

MK: WHAT!?

Wukong's recording, becoming serious and almost sad: If you are a friend, however. I want to say I'm sorry, but please don't go seeking me out. I am hanging up my crown and title as the Great Sage and the Monkey King, and I don't not wish to be disturbed. Over the centuries I've come to realize my whole life I've done nothing but hurt the people I care about, so... for everyone's sake... I'm disappearing so that I can't hurt anyone again. Ever. And if you find my staff, I'm sorry I can't be there to help you. But I'll give you a piece of advice I learned, believe in yourself. Even just a smidge can make all the difference.

MK is gobsmacked at the thought that Sun Wukong had just up and left like that, that he's been gone for a long time and won't be able to help. He decides if Wukong wasn't there to be a hero anymore, he'd do it for him. Just a smidge makes a difference, right?

And so the Monkie Kid becomes the Monkie Kid. Over the next season or so he struggles a lot with his powers, not having a proper mentor. See, unlike the rest of the Noodle Gang, since Wukong wasn't physically present when MK became the town hero he isn't ever explicitly told it's MK. MK literally just forgets to mention it to him, but he does his best to help where he can. Giving advice where he can.

Most everything else was done without his input, altho MK did find it weird that the Calabash seemed to think his mechanic friend was the Monkey King. It's the first hint he ever has that Wukong was not as he seemed, but he write it off as him simply thinking of Wukong as a mentor figure since he's always been supportive and gave helpful advice and the Calabash substituting the Monkey King for Wukong.

Even the Macaque episode was done mostly without his input, altho a certain black furred monkey was not happy that his attempt to lure Wukong out didn't work at all. Wukong had been busy with renovations to expand the shop at the time, thus where the "step into the strike" advice came from since MK had been helping Wukong with tearing down the wall.

The big reveal about Wukong being the Monkey King only happens during Revenge of the Spider Queen, when Wukong has no choice but to step in as the Monkey King. And believe me, he is absolutely not happy about the matter. He doesn't run away once everything is done and over, but it's very clear that he is upset by the way he avoids everyone and jsut sits curled up on the rooftop. When asked why he never told them, especially knowing MK was using his staff, he first points out MK had never explicitly told him about the whole Monkie Kid business so he had no reason to "know" anything about it. Then he jsut points to the destroyed city.

Wukong: This is what happens everytime the Monkey King appears. Destruction, death, and chaos. I didn't want to be that anymore.

This spun off from a convo on how Wukong likely felt abandoned by his mentor(s), beginning with Subodhi, the allies he made in Heaven before the war, Guanyin, and even Tripitaka when the monk passed.

Wukong, going by just "Wu", drifting along the centuries living a mortal life. Packs up and leaves whenever conflict or war breaks out, or when people start to get suspicious.

His number one rule? Never get attached. Never again...

He becomes a mechanic (a real "grease monkey" if you will). Although he loves medicine and herbalism, it simply has too many paper trails. Also cars are fun to tinker with and don't talk back most of the time. Less likely to make a connection.

He eventually returns to the village where he lay his Staff down for good. Just seemed right coming up to the 500 year anniversary of one of his biggest regrets. The village has since become a sprawling mega-city, open to humans and demons alike. There he plants his roots.

The biggest shock of his life comes when he sees his brothers faces and souls all over again. Three in new bodies, and one in the same. A certain fish demon had pretended he didnt recognise him, and Wu returned the courtesy - seems he wasn't the only one from the old days to retire.

He wonders if it was the right decision to settle in Megapolis...

Until the day Pigsy knocks on Wu's shop, breathless and carrying a wiggly baby human (?). His food truck had given up the ghost and the cook desperately needed repairs asap! Wu simply couldn't turn him away.

Through the conversation and the repair process, the wiggly baby maybe-human had stared at the monkey demon with absolute wonder. Wu isn't sure why until he overhears the cub blabble something into his father's ear.

MK: "Mon-ken." Pigsy, fond sigh: "No MK, that's not the Monkey King. He just looks like the drawing in your Baba's book." Wu, nearly drops the truck on himself: "Eh?" Pigsy, little embarassed: "Oh! Sorry. The piglet is convinced that you're the Monkey King. My partner researches mythology and stuff, and he fills the kid's head with all sorts of ideas." Wu, rolls out from under the truck with a cheeky smile: "It's no problem. You'd be surprised how often I get mistaken for him! Think its the fur." (*Wu shares a glance at MK, the baby human is still staring at him unconvinced. Wukong makes a unsubtle shush motion and winks - causing the little human to wiggle once more with joy. Pigsy sighs fondly once more, knowing that the boy will most definitely hold this moment dear throughout his childhood*)

With that one chance meeting, Wukong breaks his number one rule; Never get attached.

It's not his fault he fixed the truck so good that Pigsy became a loyal customer! And the pig demon began tipping him with free cold vegetarian noodles. And that the scholar at the shop and him started info-dumping together! And that the little human began seeing him as a beloved uncle...

Oh yeah. Wu is in too deep. Hopefully nothing too chaotic happens within the next few years or so >:3

You can say a certain monkey demon nearly had a heart attack when he learned that someone had finally taken up his Staff - and that it was his little buddy!! Also Sandy is back in the gang, so they can't pretend that they dont know each other for long.

Wu would *like* to step up and reveal himself as the Monkey King to MK - but he feels that would just make things so much worse. The kid's trust in him would shatter immediately. So it's better to leave his projections on FFM to do the physical training, and for Uncle Wu to provide him with much-needed emotional guidance.

Sharing this dm you sent in particular based on the "Macaque" episode cus it's a tasty piece of dialogue:

MK: "Is it really better to focus your power into every attack?" Wu: "Hm, that's a lonely way of thinking. And dangerous. Look at this hammer I use for example, it's strong but if I'm not careful an just bang away at metal, it'd hit hard but it'd cause more damage to myself and the people around me. But if I were to... step into the swing so to speak and not depend on the hammer but rather my own strength, it's easier to control and has less risk of hurting myself."

He had been doing renovations on the wall to expand his business at the time, thus why he was banging at the wall with a hammer.

Eventually the episode ends with Macaque calling desperately out to the battlefield - almost begging for his king to reappear. The shadow monkey is so occupied in his despair and anger that MK manages to slip free and reclaim his power.

MK promptly bullies Macaque into actually mentoring him. Macaque chuckles at the nerve of this kid, and agrees - but only as a truce until Wukong returns. After that, Macaque expects a rematch.

Unironically loving this AU

[pigcowboys]

Hi boo(i hope that was not too cringe)! Could you pls do a percy jackson, enemies to lovers! story? Like in everyone in the Camp knows their hatred against each other but then they get send on a quest together and end up kissing each other to disguise their quest?!

I would really appreciate it!

Have a good Day!

pairing: percy jackson x gn! reader (2nd pov is used but someone does say 'chick')

summary: much to your displeasure, you find yourself on a quest with the one person you hate the most.

warning(s): BICKERING. mutual pining (they just don't know it yet.), kissing, swearing, enemies to lovers.

a/n: IT WASNT CRINGE DWW HAHA, i tried my best!! school starts for me pretty soon so im trying to write as much as i can before i have to go back.. (also im sorry abt the images i dont know whats going on with my computer.)

you hated them, everyone of them.

that wretched camp and it's obnoxious staff oh, and don't even get you started on that stupid oracle. she set you up! they all did.

gods, why of all people did it have to be him?

perseus jackson - most of the time shortened to just percy jackson, maybe even peter johnson at times. what an ass he was.

believe it or not when you first came to camp half-blood you had actually taken a liking to him. he was cute, full of energy and full of endless bravery, your exact type.

you weren't sure when it begun, your hatred for him, that is. it kind of just..started. when? not sure. your exact guess must've been that one valentine's day when he accidentally sneaked the last muffin at breakfast. yeah, that must've been it.

to be honest though, you didn't need a reason. you just did, and you weren't exactly quiet about it either. from the day you started to hate his guts all his advances to be nice to you were met with a glare or a huff. sometimes you'd just straight up walk away from him.

so, it basically didn't take him long to send you back the same glares or huffs or even the smallest mutter of 'geez, not this chick again..' everyone hoped the feud would dissipate, that the two of you would grow the fuck up and call a truce.

too bad their prayers didn't help.

infact, you were pretty sure that even if the gods themselves came down from olympus and said 'get along or die right here' you'd pick the latter in a heartbeat.

so, when you'd initially been called into chiron for some 'great news' you'd expected him to tell you that percy had finally decided to leave camp - or that you'd won the lottery. fuck, you wished that was it.

"hey, stay on your side, bucko!" you said, nudging percy to the side aggressively. "i'm not on the market, especially for you."

"can you be serious for second!" percy snapped back, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration. "we have to prove to chiron that we can do this." he turned back to face the front. "or...we're in for another lecture."

"i wouldn't mind, really," you grinned. "i've perfected the art of sleeping with my eyes open."

"if only you could perfect the art of silence.."

you glared at him.

the two of you were submerged underwater at the moment in one of percy's bubbles. chiron had asked of you to go to queens in order to do..something? you didn't really pay attention to chiron at the time - besides, you were thinking about drowning yourself in the nearest lake when you'd heard the percy going on the quest with you in tow. the only thing you could remember was that it was super important to not let anyone see you.

something about the appearance of two demigod children to monster being dangerous? you weren't sure why he thought the things wouldn't be able to sniff you out anyways.

the bubble wasn't even your idea to be fair. you'd suggested just taking the train, as it much easier but percy disagreed - as usual. said it would be quicker to just swim over via bubble transfer and although you wanted to disagree, you settled on the idea that the station at this time would be packed as hell.

so you bit your tongue and allowed yourself to be trapped in a bubble with percy for about a half an hour or so.

"ugh, how much longer..?" you asked, adjusting your clothes uneasily. the bubble wasn't by any means uncomfortable just..kind of warm? weirdly enough. percy didn't spare you a glance only opting to shurg his shoulder slightly as he focused on the vast ocean in front of the two of you.

you glared at him from your spot in the bubble, uncomfortably crossing your legs as you turned away from him, jumping when you realized a never before seen fish was staring into your soul from outside the bubble. it wasn't a surprise to you to see the fish, percy was the son of poseidon, you expected him to go full aquaman one day and pull up to camp half blood with a stream of wild dolphins and squids.

still, the beady little dead eyes scared the shit out of you. and in your natural knee jerk reflex, you moved back, inching into percy and bumping his shoulder. he turned to face you with a distasteful look, face contorting in confusion when he noticed the small school of fish now gathering.

your face morphed into one of uncomfort as you gazed at the tons of fish that seemed to spawn out of nowhere. "uh..can you call your friends off?"

percy seemed to share a look with the fish, a look of embarrassment flashing over his face briefly as he glared at them intensely. you looked on at the exchange in silence because, was he really talking to fishes? the fish eventually scrammed after a while and you and percy were back on your way. silence fell over the two of you before you spoke up suddenly.

"i didn't know you spoke fish.."

"drop it."

"i think we're here." percy annouced as the bubble started to drift closer to shore. were you guys there? you weren't sure at all. you were just happy to be out of that bubble - the close proximity was making you break out.

you were in fact there, somehow. and it was by then it hit you that this was a quest - a really important mission for a demigod and since it was assigned to specifically you and percy, it meant you had to deliver.

your duo walked towards the city, looking around for any suspicious looking civilians or any sign of irregular activity. it would've been an easy task to scope out the objective of the mission if it wasn't for percy's loud breathing.

seriously, you could hear him practically breathing down your neck as the two of you walked. him and his stupid big nostrils - you couldn't focus.

"mind breathing a little less loud?"

percy blinked at you. "these requests are starting to get literally concerning." his face contorted in confusion. "how the hell does one 'breathe a little less loud' ?"

"they not be percy jackson."

"that wasn't even english??"

you were about to say something else smart when a couple of people ahead caught your attention, they weren't inherently weird looking but, you got this vibe from them - that they weren't completely human. your mind raced as you looked around as nonchalantly as you could.

there were people here. to your right, 2 parents and their one hyperactive son who clawed at the ice cream in front of him with his tongue, a bright smile on his face and to your left a group of younger looking teenage girls who were chatting brightly. most likely about hair dye because their highlights were so bright they were giving you eye cancer.

you thought fast. pulling percy by his wrist as you dashed down the street, rushing into the nearest store slash tourist attraction you could as you pushed him into the corner roughly, looking behind you to see if the people had followed you.

he gave you a completely surprised look, slight annoyance forming on his face as he exhaled heavily. "is there any reason you felt like dragging me into this.." he looked around, eyes landing on a random cowboy hat that was situated on a hook in the corner of the place. "slightly..cool place?" he finished, grabbing the cowboy hat and observing it curiously.

"i saw them, well - i think i did.." you mumbled out, looking around erratically as you watched out for any signs of being followed. percy quirked an eyebrow at you.

"the IRS finally caught you orr.."

"percy, this is serious!" you exclaimed, growing slightly embarrassed when the store owner shot the two of you a look. you smiled at the owner awkwardly, ushering percy into a corner with your hand.

"look, i'm pretty sure i found the guys we were going here for." you said, still stealing glances behind you. "i saw them..just now, when were walking."

"did they follow us?" percy asked, more seriously now.

"i'm not sure," you frowned.

percy thought for a moment before speaking once more."they wouldn't do anything with all these humans here - we just have to make sure we blend in."

"and how do you suppose we do that?"

percy grinned at you, reaching over to grab another hat that was right next to the one he'd picked up earlier.

you grimaced, who's idea was it to put you two together?

"do you think we lost them?"

"nah, we definitely still need the disguises."

the two of you were situated on the street currently, attempting to look as normal as possible. though, it was pretty hard to with these stupid cowboy hats percy insisted the two of you had to wear. claimed it would be "inconspicuous" but in reality it was extremely, eye catching.

you figured he just wanted you to wear it so he could laugh behind your back about how utterly foolish you looked. it didn't help that he'd picked out the hat with the corniest design for you - and it was bedazzled.

you let of a huff of frustration. "can we switch? this one's too big on me., i'm half blind here, man."

"you'll live," percy reassured. "besides, it's better if they can't see your face."

"what's the use? they'll just sniff us out eventually."

percy shot you a look. "you're no fun."

you opened your mouth to say something when percy's face changed as he locked eyes with something behind you. you barely had time to react when he pulled you into a brutal bear hug, turning you away from whatever it was that was behind you.

your muscles tensed as your face started to burn with embarrassment. a "what the fuck, percy?" was muffled into his shirt as you felt the presence of the monsters nearing closer. your heart sank to your feet as realized how near they were really.

"whatever i do.." percy whispered in your ear. "just promise you won't be too mad."

"what're you talk-"

and then before you knew it, you'd lost your lip virginity. i mean, it wasn't the worst first kiss story you'd have to tell people. boy kissed me in order to distract the bloodthirsty monsters that were tracking us down! wow, how romantic.

in all honesty, you knew percy just did what he had to do. you knew he just had to keep you to keep your disguises up. that was probably the rest why you leaned into the kiss, hands coming up to rest on his chest as his brutal bear hug eased into more a gentle hug, his hands moving the hold your hips.

the kiss had to look real - romantic. that's why you pretend to be so into it that you let out a satisfied hum. you weren't sure if the monsters had moved on from the two of you, you weren't even sure if you were safe at all in the moment. but, it was starting to get hard to think as your mind swirled with various conflicting thoughts that stemmed from your actions at the moment.

percy broke the kiss, his eyes gazing into your curiously as he removed his hands from your hips slowly. you removed your hand from his chest, pulling away gently. your eyes searched his own for any sign of discomfort or disgust as you started to grow weary of the fact he'd just stolen your first kiss.

yet, you were surprised to find that there was none - just confusion and surprise. you tore your eyes away from him, clearing your throat. as you fixed your outfit. "i..i think i saw them go somewhere over there." you pointed at the secluded alleyway not too far from where you and percy stood. "let's go - we can get the drop on them."

percy stared at you for a moment before nodding, slightly dazed and following you towards the alleyway silently.

the ride back home - or should you say float back home was silent, as it always was. though, something different seemed to be hanging in the air this time. a feeling of awkwardness that was mostly unnatural to you and percy.

you wanted to ask about it - the kiss, why did he do it? why was that first thing he came up with? why did he lean into you slightly? why did the world seemed to stop for a second when your lips met and most of all whyyy the hell did you want it to happen again?

you stole a glance at percy. the two of you were a few feet away from each other, on opposite sides of the bubble. maybe you were going crazy or something but did percy look..good? you swore it was just because of the mixed feelings you had about him being your first but you couldn't shake the thought about how beautiful he looked in the moment.

okay, something's not right.

"do you wanna talk about it?" you blurted out suddenly, shifting positions as you leaned forward slightly. percy turned to look at you, he wasn’t annoyed nor angry, not even suicidal. he looked, enamored — and slightly caught off guard by your question.

"talk about what exactly?"

your eyebrows furrowed. "you kissed me, percy jackson." you pointed at him accusingly. "and you liked it."

percy blew a raspberry, a slightly surprised look on his face. "what makes you think i liked it?"

you paused. had you read something wrong? you thought about dropping the idea but thought against it, deciding to die on that hill. "because your hands somehow found their way onto my hips," you started. "and your lips pursed — and your heartbeat picked up little by the little the longer it lasted."

you crossed your legs, inching away from percy as you gave him a small frown. "and..you looked at me weird." percy's face was flushed as he looked at you silently from his position on the other side of the bubble.

"how did i look at you..?"

you glanced at him. "like you didn't want to drown me in the lake and leave my body for the fishes." you joked. "like..you didn't hate me."

"i don't hate you."

your head spun towards percy, your eyes widened comically. you opened your mouth to say something but the words were caught in your throat. percy analyzed you before speaking once more.

"i don't think i ever have, it's just - you're very annoying." percy sighed. "and it sucks because you're more attractive than you think you are." you stared at him in silence. your heart pounded in your chest as you gulped.

"do you like me?"

"do you like me?" percy repeated with emphasis on the me.

you laughed, inching towards percy on the other side of the bubble. "i do." you stopped in front of him, a warm smile on your face as you watched a smile break out onto his face. "i like you too." he whispered, staring at you quietly before leaning forward slightly to test the waters.

you instantly took the bait, leaning forward as well as you locked lips with percy one again. a bolt of lightning shot through you as you leaned into his touch, placing your hand on his shoulder as you climbed into his lap. percy seemed more than happy to have you there, his hands coming to rest on your hips so he could keep you steady.

you broke the kiss, hands slithering around his neck as you looked down at him with a small smile. you were about to say something when your attention was brought to the sickly sight of a line of fish outside the bubble once again. you yelped in surprise, stumbling back slightly and if it wasn't for percy's grip on you, you probably would've busted your ass.

percy looked behind him, slightly annoyed at the presence of the fish. it lingered for a bit longer before dashing off reluctantly. at which point, percy turned to you with a frown. you eyed him curiously.

"what?"

"he's going to tell everyone about the '2 demigods getting it on in the bottom of the sea'. "

[sotiriabellou]

idk if anyone remembers me talking about a small medical issue i was experiencing that i wasnt completely unfamiliar with so it worried me.well i finally went to the doctor and basically im fine, apparently its something that most people experience and that will go away on its own in time, which is what i was thinking too after googling it a bit and asking my mother, but i still decided to go to a doctor just to be sure, since it was rlly persisent.well for some reason, instead of just telling me that it was normal and that it should be fine in a while, that fuckass doctor decided to go on this huge condescending "fatherly" rant about how i was the reason it had gone on so long bc i was focusing on it(i wasnt, i had been trying to ignore for a week b4 i even considered doing anything abt it) and abt how i should stop being so anxious and making up scenarios in my head(i wasnt) and when i tried to explain to him that i wasnt doing any of those things he just continued belittling me "jokingly" and saying how the problem was my personality and that i should sort out my mental issues as if this was a fucking therapy session.and the way he was speaking to me and not hearing what i had to say made really angry, but when i get angry i start crying for some stupid fucking reason so then he made fun of me for me crying like a child even though im an adult and how the world has real problems that im not going to be able to face if i cry so easily, which obviously made me feel even more humiliated and embarrassed so i couldn't stop fucking crying and shaking from anger god i wish i could have strangled him what the fuck honestly.like why the fuck couldnt you just give the good news and shut the fuck up!!!!!i wanted to scream at him to shut the fuck up, or punch him or anything to stop that fucking word vomit but of course that would have made seem even more crazy and dramatic.what the fuck was that

[boypussydilf]

there’s a specific air of finality to simon & bettys ending that doesnt really. sit right with me? like, it makes sense for the conclusion to be Simon And Betty Must Go Their Separate Ways. but w her going some unknown place he cant follow (and. ppppppossibly reincarnating? which. it would be fucking insult to injury if betty was just dead now. i would be genuinely pissed.) and the general air of it it feels so much like they’re saying. Simon and Betty can’t ever see each other again. It is literally impossible from here on. and the whole way they talk about it…… like. yes, absolutely, simon and betty both put themselves in a tragic situation through their own imperfect choices. but it gets talked about like they’re simply. too far gone now and there just is no conceivable way it could ever work, or could ever have worked as it was. maybe im insane and maybe this wasnt the writers intention but the way they. siiiiiiggghhhhhhh. of course it’s true that their relationship would have been better if simon had noticed betty sacrificing so much for him, had focused on her own goals and wishes, had sacrificed back. but they act like. Welp! He should have just Known Better. He’s just stupid. they’re not interested in looking at why he never noticed how she was throwing away so much of her life for him, how he thought she was the most amazing wonderful confident badass person ever. or that their relationship had any problems in it other than this one specific thing!!!! it feels like theyre just. blaming simon for being ignorant and going Look!! Because of these choices you made you’re FUCKED! FOREVER! You and Betty were NEVER going to- CHRIST, NO, THAT REALLY IS LITERALLY WHAT THEY WERE FUCKING SAYING, DIRECTLY, WITH THE CASPER AND NOVA THING. That frames it so much like Simon, all on his own, DOOMED them to NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO BE HAPPY EVER, they would NEVER HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE A HAPPY ENDING UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, because he was just oblivious to the unequal give-and-take in their relationship.

[atomra]

oh~ ! We can ask about Neuro too? Nice! My question is! How much do you love Neuro and what made you like him so much! Go nuts! Gush as much as you want!

Oh. Um well... a lot. To say it simply. LMAOOOO!!!! But Ill answer the specific question first before I ramble on and on.

I got into majin tantei nougami neuro from the anime first, fell in love with the macabre, psychological horror aspect and needed more! I started to read the manga and noticed how different it was from the show, and how bad the show was in comparison. The dark humour is hilarious, I love the looney tunes style vs the dark subjects of the plot. And the ending of the manga is one of the most satisfying ends of a story I have ever seen in media!

I didn't actually get that attached to Neuro right away, but he grew on me like a cancer and now hes stuck there forever. I also love the main MC Yako! She's an absolute delight of a character and matches with Neuro perfectly. I need more of their weird sadomaso relationship <333 (I love most of the characters actually)

Ultimately I fell in love with this work because it's incredibly unique. I haven't read anything that comes close to the balance Matsui was able to make of the crazy, silly, dark, and story of personal growth that comes out of MTNN!

Okay now under the cut I will ramble about Neuro Nougami in particular because it will probably be long:

-

Neuro Nougami I didn't actually like as much before, because back when i first read mtnn i didnt know i was into bdsm and stuff. I also wasnt that okay with his tortures, because I used to be uncomfortable with liking villian-ish characters before I went to uni and learned more about the world.

Oh, how that changed.

On the face of his character he is silly, OP, selfish, arrogant, and a fucking asshole that hurts people for fun. And even when you get into his character, he is still all of those things, BUT I like him particularly for a few key features.

His curiosity and willingness to fail at something new. Neuro has basically no shame + all the confidence in the universe. He doesn't see anything wrong with failing or looking stupid. Its very endearing. You don't see that... if ever in other overconfident/intelligent sided characters. His pride never gets in the way of learning, because he loves to learn!! He's a bird!! Birds love to learn and often look like idiots doing it. (I love birds)

His want to find use in people, even if he only sees them as pawns. Don't get me wrong, he is an asshole and is MEAN on PURPOSE, but he does like to see the best in people. He wants them to be better and pushes people to become better. Neuro also puts respect in people that show this growth. Just like how he HATES when people give up.

His trust in people despite his need for control. Seriously, like this man is controlling as hell, but he still can put trust in people to do certain jobs for him and deliver.

And his way of learning where people's lines are despite his need to torture, harm, and push information out of people. Neuro never truly puts Yako in real harm (debatable) and he eventually learns where her loyalties lie and how to adjust to them. He learns to be good with people even though he has no understanding of human emotion. (so he says, he still feels emotions he just doesnt GET it)

THAT HE'S STILL SILLY AND NEVER BREAKS HIS COMPOSURE!! I LOVE THAT HE NEVER YELLS OR GETS SUPER MAD IN THE WAY YOU WOULD EXPECT A PERSON WITH OP POWERS TO GET!!! It makes him... so fucking scary. You never see where his limits are. You never see how much power he really has. You never get to see how far he will go to hurt somebody that wronged him. You only get tastes and its so fucking effective. I wish more characters were like this. Make me wonder!!

And of course, I love neuro for his weird use of bdsm. Its clear in Matsui's other work that he's done research, despite how comical and looney tunes it is displayed in MTNN by neuro. But my second read of MTNN when i was older now, I realized just HOW MUCH of neuro and yako's relationship is just... an odd bdsm thing. LMAO!!!

And I didn't realize how much that really engraved into my brain when i was younger until i read it over again. It made so much sense. For all the previous facts I mentioned, neuro is the only anime character who's threats I can actually take seriously. Because he is genuinely scary to me. That 'discomfort' as a kid made me realize stuff nowadays. Whoops!!! I love him because he freaks me out!!

Alucard gets so close, but not as hard hitting as Neuro. And I also like that he has a level of morality, and isnt just all fucking evil or gross. He's just a weird demon who eats mysteries.

Sighs, anyways I could go on but Ill leave it there for now. Thanks for asking!!! I love him!!!!!!!!!!!! He's so fun to dissect as a character!

Oh, and I hate his fucking suit. Burn that shit off. He's a weird goth and everybody knows it.

[herboretum]

big ol text abt me being aroace so🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅ow oka🍅🍅🍅🍅y i get it i know 🍅🍅🍅🍅ow I Talk so much abt being aroace🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅 i prmise this is the last🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅 time 🍅🍅🍅🍅DAMN okay CHILL🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅read if u wanna 🍅🍅🍅ow OW!!!!!!🍅

ough man sometimes i wish i wasnt aroacespec for the sake of my own wellbeing yanno,,,,,,

its been physically paining me (since the start of the year realistically) knowing im incapable of loving another person romantically, of being unable to feel that passion for someone the way devoted partners would for their other half

it makes (and has made) me cry knowing i wont have that connection probably ever! that i just. cant love on that level! it kills me, genuinely, just not being able to have those moments where i can lean all my trust to one person, to have moments of vulnerability with someone. to be able to have lovesick days or gaze into their eyes or be able to simply reciprocate an "i love you" that they know is more than that simple statement. it fucking kills me man it makes me sick to my stomach

i dont know why. i never chose to be like this!!!! why couldnt i just be normal man!!! theres nothing wrong with me yet theres everything that could have been better! sometimes i get so jealous of people i know who are in really loving relationships. how they can just ramble on about how they love their partner to their core, that every imperfection they see is a beauty to behold. why cant i experience that? like genuinely what the fuck happened with me??

i feel like nobody ever talks about how alienating being aroace can sometimes feel. i feel like what im experiencing should not exist. im aroace not because i chose to be, but because i simply am, and i really hate that about me. theres so many people celebrating and while i can relate sometimes, i also feel like a sack of hopeless shit too!! im like a paradox man idk its wild how actually unfathomable this situation i am in. it doesnt feel real i feel like im contradicting myself 24/7

this is what i mean when i say i live vicariously through other people and my projections onto fiction. i am just that unable to not contradict myself in real fucking life. its so stupid man i fucking hate being here

anyways i digresss:3 not really. ive just been in this weird middle state for over half a year and today just kinda felt like a snapping point for literally no reason ?!?!:; i love being aroace. i really do. but god sometimes it just hurts me knowing theres a version of me enjoying a better life than i am

and lowkey if im gonna theorize, i genuinely think my issue stems from my inability to properly socialize with other people: i am just that fucking pathetic. me being scared of interactions has led me to become avoidant of others, which in turn has probably caused me to act like this im gonna aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaago fishing

[deadincel]

How do you think Chad (in a better reality where they actually got together) would react to Ethan being Ghostface? How would he react to his death? How would he react if Ethan was still alive?

oooo this is the angst i love (thanks for the ask friend 🫶)

for our sake lets just say that chad is with sam and tara for the reveal, no fatal 80 stabs wounds, no kissing tara. he trusted that ethan was at the hospital with mindy because, yknow, he should be able to trust his boyfriend won’t kill his twin sister. or him.

because i think even with mindy’s constant nagging of “never trust the love interest!” chad can’t help but trust ethan, especially after he was the one who called for help when mindy got stabbed on the train, even if mindy really didn’t like him too much.

i think chad’s initial thought when ethan takes off the mask is something along the lines of ‘this is a joke.’ like up until ethan actually speaks he has convinced himself that theres no way this is actually fucking happening im dreaming and he doesnt even feel his heart actually sink until he gets over the shock.

and he wants to kill him and wants to feel angry but he feels so stupid that he fell for it and feels so embarrassed for being vulnerable with him and letting ethan into his life and ethan was just using him the entire time to avenge his shitty brother.

not only does he feel betrayed by ethan, but he feels like he himself betrayed mindy for ever doubting her and ever picking ethan over her BUT hes so torn because ethan was the first person he could get close with after the events in woodsboro. and ethan is just standing there with a huge shit eating grin on his face and chad wants to lunge over and choke him out and beg him for reasons but he is so stuck in surprise that he cant move.

when ethan gets his throat shred by a knife? i dont think chad gets emotional until DAYS later. i think he spends the week after the event in sheer agony just unable to forgive himself for letting that happen. i think the sadness comes later, seemingly out of nowhere, maybe while hes in the shower or eating breakfast or getting ready for bed and it hits him unbelievably hard that his boyfriend is fucking dead and he will never come back and that everything that happened in the shrine was REAL. ethan was dead and gone and he knows he SHOULD be happy about it but he isn’t.

if ethan happened to survive? i really don’t think he would believe it. even if ethan walked up into his room bloody and on the brink of death and stood over his bed like frankenstein’s monster he still wouldn’t believe it. he doesn’t think he can trust anything or anyone after what happened. its so different to him than from the woodsboro killings because he wasnt as close with amber and he barely knew richie, but he shared things with ethan that he hadn’t shared with anybody else and it hurts so much worse. there, of course, would be a very small part of him that was wishing it to be true, but he ultimately would feel guilty for wanting his serial killer dead boyfriend to be back.

hes too good of a person for the bullshit i put him through . #youdeservebetterchad

[azumasoroshi]

minidura chapter 11 react

ok i found chapter 11 translated by amnemonie on tumblr (thank you thank you thank you and if you want me to take this down i will!!) but there's no guarantee ill be able to find the rest lmAOo we'll see

HOT MAN!!! HOT MAN

i mean what no pathetic sopping wet man

cat face izaya i thought id never see you again

man after realizing there's a minidura tag i saw a post that was like "i wish minidura got animated like bsd wan" and like. YEAH. PLEASE

it would be the perfect revival of the durarara fandom pleaseeeeeee do it for meeeeeeee we could revive durarara like we revived trigun

and i need shizuo izaya and shinra cooking together being animated. please

anyway izaya looks like he really doesnt wanna be here in that last panel and i mildly spoiled myself on the comments/reblogs saying this one is really mean to izaya which you know i live for. [cracks knuckles] i hope he gets hit by a truck but like an emotional one because that's the only one he'd really react to

oh god he's more pathetic than i thought he'd be

they're really looking at him like "damn bitch you good" which is fair

bro summoned up all his courage to ask 😭rip bozo

??????????? THEY TOLD YOU HE'D BE WITH THEM

izaya simultaneously has the best social skills known to man and the WORST social skills known to man

ill never stop bringing this up but. now presenting orihara "i love humans because they're so unpredictable" izaya getting fucked by humans' predictability everybody

and here we see izaya walking awkwardly in his natural habitat, trying to eat cake with high schoolers /j

kadota casually calling out izaya on his bullshit bkgjdSGKHDSHds

he just wants to eat cakeeeee someone go with him

not me though i wouldnt be caught dead with that man

i swear walker's face gets longer every time i see him and it tickles me so much

aaaand cue shizuo on stage right

god bless erika for suggesting that he invite shizuo cuz id have done it myself

also "just today". are you implying that you want to see shizuo every other day. izaya.

WAIT

WAIT IS TODAY IZAYA'S BIRTHDAY

OH

oh my god thats actually sad okay

id say to ask namie but namie probably rejected him already without even letting him finish the question bkfdgjhgf

shinra keeping up the stupid anniversaries trend from that other chapter we love a consistent malewife

man shiki he wasnt even here for work 😭 at least he got some food although karasumi does not look that good if im being honest

at least compared to cake

shinraaaa you FORGOTTTT

may 4th is the date of my statistics exam but i swear ill celebrate it for you izaya. ill even mark it down on my calendar

oh 💀 namie is as delusional as i am. love that for her

he's even singing to himself ohhhhh poor baby...(i say this as if i'm not grinning wildly to myself in my room rn)

i swear i feel bad for him but he's so fun to bully

man i remember those fics where shizuo was the only one to remember izaya's birthday bgkjhfdgfd i guess those were founded from somewhere (even if his gifts were things like 'not chasing him today' or sending him black roses)

oh my god 😭 he's so desperate at this point i didnt think he'd actually be happy to see shizu-chan

even grabbing him by the arms bkgdssdkahdskjhgsdsd

this is gonna end badly though if the comments/reblogs i read have anything to say about it

😭yep the izaya bullying is real

SHIZUO NOOOOOOOOOOOO THATS BASICALLY THE WHOLE CAKE

izaya's conscious too 💀 MAN

part of me feels like this is narita's personal revenge against the shizaya fans in his fanbase askdbgskjhsdhgsd shizuo needs to be extra cruel to prove he's not gay

he's so happy to just get birthday textssssss this is so sad

[i-think-were-alone-n0w]

ill speak my fucking truth, the TUA s4 ending was BULLSHIT.

alright alright, i get yall's issues ab five and lila, but i also understand it to some extent.

but one thing we can all agree on is how full of plot holes, unanswered questions, and how shitty of an ending we've got. also, it was so fucking rushed! hell.

to address the ending; why the fuck? why? why would our comfort characters cease to fucking exist? in all timelines, they've fought so hard to build good lives. it was bound to be ruined, but them to fucking cease to exist? thats wild!

and alright what about the other kids with marigold? (?) there were about what, 40+(?) born, right? where are they? this cant be real.

to address some other plot holes..

ray: what do you MEAN he just.. walked out on allison? they loved each other dearly, we sidnt get a fucking explanation?

sissy, SLOANE??: what, did these characters just disappear into thin air? if ray is alive, why couldn't sissy be, too? mostly after the big part harlan played in the third season. also, where the fuck did sloane go? so ben survived, but sloane just, what? disintegrated??? turned into pure marigold? hell.

ben?: why is no one talking about him? his love story was rushed, his motives were a bit stupid (not entirely, so i could excuse this), also he just fucking died and nobody seemed to actually care? klaus had little to no reaction and he was the closest to ben? what the hell is going on?

viktor: we ve gotten none of his backstory. we see a supposedly ex gf of his at the start, and they say he s getting every girl in town. what is he, afraid of commitment? a player? not able to sort his priorities? also, how come he didn't suffer any consequence after literally sucking those particles out of ben!? i mean, his body's got a fuck ton of marigold, and in theory when coming into contact with that bs particle; he should've what, exploded!?

reggie: how and why is reggie for once, supposedly nice? until now he played a role snd at the evnd revealed a facade and it being some evil plan. this time over though, what we see is what we get. he trusted viktor, he followed up on his word, gave him time, gave him chances, called so many times, and in the end, told his wife that he wishes to save it and couldnt believe it was her behind it. so why is he no longer evil? what's up with that?

jennifer: soo why was she inside a squid? what happened to her parents? how did she get that power? why is she destined to meet ben? erremmm.. so many plot holes w her.

commision: (i might be very wrong here and not remember the past seasons, feel free correct me if im wrong.) but ure telling me, that in NO timeline the commision still exists? lila and five have managed to travel through hundreds of them over the span of 6.5 years. and all of this, none of those timelines were helpful? or.. anything at all? i wish their arc wasnt so rushed, maybe more ppl would see through it. it didnt feel like 7 years. it felt like 2 months.

diego: throughout the season we see him getting clowned on for being a "failure" and being "fat" only for him to look the same, fucking ripped too, and be normal, react like a normal person would. he was a good, hard working father and good husband with pure intentions. what was all that for?

claire: i need to see more of her. we know klaus' been sober for 3 yrs, but its been 6. which menas that claure has seen that "bad, sick" side of klaus. we see her know how to recognise that he was relapsing. i wish we saw more of her childhood, her with allison and how she got so closs to klaus.

it all was so rushed. idk ill add more if i remember more chat.

if any of you want to see me address lila and five, i've made other posts. i think their arc was important, not necessarily asked for, but justified, too. i'll folloe up with more posts and answer questions. no hate here.. js opinions:).

[carmenized-onions]

these are my thoughts

-the amish story?? we're starting with the amish story???? so you want me to bawl my fuckin eyes out, is that? i hate you onion.

-its been 0ERR minutes. damn right. feel the burn carmen berzatto, feel it!!!

-i actually had to switch tabs and play the countries of the world quiz cuz ohhhh my god carmy talking to chef david is never an easy pill to swallow

-mikey called me? i have been officially adopted into the family? im all warm inside. but as a middle child, i am offended. deeply. we also care for people and have to like keep the peace! also ouch, id feel so guilty as a baby getting the big bro attention when the big bro's actually baby is being left on read.

-oh shit oh shit we're back ahhhhhhhh please chef david/carmy needs multiple warnings. also so real so real so real receiving praise from someone who always criticized you is not as sweet as you thought it would be. actually somewhat repulsive.

-i mean,,,, great introspection there carm, but maybe like 0ERR minutes too late buddy

-"The only fuckin’ good thing in my life" ....okay maybe i change my vote and i support tony folding. im folding.

-“Hey asshole—” Richie stops, when he sees David. “Ah. You’re needed, Chef Carmen.” dont back down richie dont back down call him out in front of the stupid exec he put over everyone else. also did you notice in season three no one said 'cousin' once? not onceeeeee. carm deserved it, but damn did it hurt. please heal me onion

-“Want your coffee?” He corrects, like stroking your ego will make you fold. It does. ehehehehehe yeah yeah ill do itt

-fuck me this is dark.

-“Cousin get my fucking bag, now!” she called him cousin.

-ummmm can this be an x richie jerimovich now actually?

-carmen is definitely the joke. i know im tony, but id be on my hands knees for her too.

-onion. “And no one wants you to acknowledge that you’re the guy— Like you can take the compliment, but you can never say ‘I know, I’m doing it on purpose.’” how have you managed to capture the human experience of being the dependable people pleaser into words and such good words????? i could only wish to be as good at writing as you are. profession well chosen.

-'You laugh, and it quickly turns into a groan as you try to come up with something. “I uh… Oh! I fuckin’ hate the nickname ‘Jack’, that’s something.” “Oh?” He leans forward, teasingly intrigued— You’ve thrown him a bone, because you’re the guy, too. He’s able to focus on this in lieu of himself.' ahahahah i knew this was coming, if she liked jack it would've stayed jack but noooo its chip! i been waiting for this one, turn it up! also yes so 'the guy' of her, turning the convo to you only to help out the other guy cuz the guy never wants to be the center of attention unless its actively helping someone out ugh i love you onion

-i think im gonna try to minimize the comments, its like ive got one after every sentence, jeez cool it dude.

-sydmikey crossover kind of , wow. its hitting me. i wonder what they wouldve been like together.

-'and neither of you know this is a lie, yet.' actually fuck you onion.

-shit forgot the richie carmy fight was happening right out the window???????????????????????????

-lol. bear in the freezer 1.0

-you're making me miss mikey even tho im reading mikey but damn i miss my bestie and he should be enjoying the bear with us rn (even tho the bear is shit rn 0ERR but like if it wasnt)

-“If that’s what getting a star takes, I don’t want it.” oh fuck. us squidink truthers out here winning.

-'Richie’s a good dad. You will never find a good time to tell him this.' i know what you're referencing and i despise you for it. tony will tell him.

-'“Yeah, well you need to read Mark Wolynn’s ‘It Didn’t Start With You.’” Richie’s got lists of books now, instead of zingers. They somehow hit harder.' they hit very hard my man, very hard. #teamfuckeveryonebutrichie

read the rest so quick that i felt like i lived it. i hate you. you write so well. my best friend died dude ,you gave me a best friend who knew me and saw me and you killed him???

those are my thoughts. ive been reading this on an off since 10am, it is now almost 5pm. i was meant to be studying. truly the best form of procrastination is reading your work. i hope my review, tho lacking, it welcomed.

-jude the dude <3

So fun fact before we get into this, I am currently at my parents house packing all of my shit because I move into my apartment next thursday!! Thank y’all for being patient w/ me. I would fucking love to get the next chapter out tommorow (and answer all my asks) but we’ll see. I really need to prioritize packing but I,,,,, don’t want to. 

So now as my form of break I’m answering asks between boxes LMAO. SO ANYWAYS LETS FUCKING YAP FOR A WHILE!!~

(also please continue to send in essays, I've got quite the backlog if you're worried I didn't get it!! I probably maybe did!! Just busy fucking couple weeks)

I was so excited to do “what are you amish” as an opener, the doc was literally named ‘amish’ in google docs. I knew it was gonna shoot everyone dead on impact. Speaking of doc names, you ever wonder what the docs of these chapters are named?

(mushy potato is still chapter 13 I just had edited it a lot and made a new guy) I’m a little unhinged. 

Anyways FEEL THAT BURN CARMY BABY!! This was such a distressing chapter. I think it only adds to the stress to have those really sweet (mostly) moments with Mikey and then go into actually on the fucking brink with Carmen. 

I APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY MIDDLE SIBLINGS!! I think we babies and middle kids should team up tbh to beat Older Sibling’s ass. Middle/Babies are 100% also taking weight on our shoulders and I feel like this is never appreciated, so I wanted to have Tony be a baby, cause it goes against that type of a Baby Sib never being the dependable one. 

I love my middle brother dearly though. I think I see trio siblings fall into the categories of

Oldest - On a hierarchy level, emotionally responsible for everyone. 

Middle - Often financially/emotionally responsible, keeps family connected.

Baby - On a personal level responsible for emotions! One-on-One dynamics, yknow?

At least, that’s where my family and coincidentally the Berzattos seem to fall. I have to stop yapping about this let’s MOVE ONNN

SOOO REAL to get praise and not feel good. It’s so wild. It’s such a wild experience to get the praise you always wanted from someone and then realize immediately oh what the fuck i don’t give a fuck what you think and quite frankly i should’ve never been trying to impress you?? It’s such a weird human experience. Can a psychology major explain this to me. 

0ERR MINUTES TOO LATE LMAOOOO— But yeah, from what I noticed, some seemed to fold after seeing how fucked the rest of Carmen’s Friday went. I feel like it also completely changes the feeling of Something to Do. Should I do a poll again? Actually no I wanna do a different poll hold on…

RICHIE! NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT? NEVER GIVE UP!!! I did notice the lack of cousin in S3, which completely made sense and hurt deeply, however I live in a world where I wanted everyone to at least a little bit understand each other. 

-ummmm can this be an x richie jerimovich now actually?

This is the poll I wanna do. Because I’ve seen a lot of RiChip or SquidInk truthers coming to the light. What the fuck would Mikey’s ship name be actually? Mikchip? McRib. What? 

You had me blusshinn with quoting the guy scene!! Thank you for saying so. I was fucking tweaking like ‘is anyone going to understand what the fuck i mean when i’m saying this or do i just need to go to therapy’. Turns out we all do. So. That’s good. THANK YOU!! I 

WAITTIN FOR THIS ONE!! CHIP ORIGINS!! I was considering having the Chip origin be another scene that would essentially be ‘off screen’ but it just felt so apt to do here. I actually had an entire other conversation planned for Mikey/Chip to have here but it just didn’t suit them. I’m so glad I went with this. And aufgh, my heart… It was always so fucking sad for me while writing this and switching back and forth between scenes and being like “GOD I DON’T WANNA GO BACK TO CARMEN/MIKEY ERA” they were both very difficult to write for different reasons. But going back to Carmen was always tough cause it was like oh yeah. Mikey’s dead by this one. And he’s not suddenly gonna come out and give someone a painful back massage. This SUCKS!!

I cooked with neither of you know this is a lie, yet. Everyone knows I caramelized the shit out of that one. 

More people need to fight in front of the restaurant. I want those bitches on STAGE. It’s so much more fun when it’s public and weird. 

Now are we a squidink truther or richip gang affiliate we have to choose one jude or are we doing a polycule because i dont know if that’s possible

LISTEN BE HONEST WHEN IS THERE A NORMAL TIME TO GO UP TO YOUR FRIEND AND BE LIKE “hey i think you’re a great father” WHAT? WHAT? I’D start fucking tweaking (crying in public), personally.

All the book reccs were brought to you by my family doctor prescribing them to me. I literally have them on a sticky note next to me. Shout out Dr V! Love you baby!! #teamfuckeveryonebutrichieanddrV

The last scene was very much so my full deep dive into time distorted grief poetry, which I fucking loved doing so thank you to everyone who enjoyed it (you!!). Bro, getting to the end was so hard because I also fell in love with best friend Mikey writing it and I was like man,,,, does he have to die though,,, can we like,,, make him into a marvel superhero or something and pivot genres?? I hate this,,, So listen Mr Storer killed him I just poured a fuck ton of salt in the wound. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW, ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO SEND IN MORE THOUGHTS I LOVE TO GET THEM IT’S NEVER LACKING!!! Back to packing I go. I think I’ll tackle the desk next? Wish me luck brothers.

[inutaffy]

“you’ve always been jealous of me!”

“maybe that’s bc you were always splinters favorite!”

“raph. i love you bro.”

DO YOU SEE. DO YOU SEE. THE DUCKCIJF SHIFT IN TBEIR EXPRESSIONS MAN TBE FJCKFGMOFYHEFNEN GHE WAY. THATS HIS BROTHER MAN THATS HIS FUCKFJFG. OUGH. I HATE THIS STUPID SHOW WHAG THE ACTUAL FUCK. THE. THE. “JEALOUS?!” SO MUCH OF HIS EMOTIONS TRANSLATE TO ANGER OR JEALOUSY TOWARDS OTHERS AND IT DRIVES ME FUCKINF CRAZY. MAYBE IT WAS AT FIRST (aka beginning of s1) BUT IT ISNT NOW AND THATS FHE WHOLE POINT THAGS THE WHOLE DUCKIJF POINT. HE ISNT JUST JEALOUS AND AND ANGRY ALL THE TIME FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES BRO IS JUST 16 AND WATCHING HIS WHOLE PLANET GET DESTROYED. BRO IS 16 WATCHING HIS FATHER MURDERED IN FRONT OF HIM. BRO IS 16 AND WATCHING WHILE HIS OLDER BROTHER BASICALLY BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON RIGHT BEFORE HIS FUCKING EYES, PICKING UP EVERY BURDEN EVER AND JUST SOLDIERING ON LIKE THIS IS SO FUCKIJF AWFUL.

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

ANYWAYS.

SO YEAH MAYBE HE DOES WISH HE WAS LEADER IF ONLY SO IT MEANT LEO DIDNT HAVE TO BE. IF ONLY SO LEO COULD BE LEO FOR A MINUTE BC YOU KNOW WHAG RAPH IS???? RAPH IS GUILTY. RAPH FEELS SO FUCKING GUILTY ALL THE DUCKIJF TIME AND I DOMT HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO INTO THAT RIGHT NOW SO YOURE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME. TRUST ME ON TBIS I AM RIGHT ABOUT THIS. I CANT DUCKIJG STAND FBIS SHOW.

AND TBH I DONT BLAME RAPH. LIKE IF MYYYYY OLDER BROTHER GOT PROMOTED ONE DAY AND STARTED TRYING TO PULL RANK ON ME I WOULD BE A BITCH ABOUT IT TOO. THE FUCK. MAKE ME ASSHOLE. YEAH. BUT ALSO. AS THE ELDEST DAUGHTER. AND JUST YK. AS ME. I AM ME. ANOTHER THING IS THAT LEO IS JUST. IMPRESSIONABLE? A LITTLE BIT? ESP IN THE EARLY SEASONS. WHICH MAN I CAN RELATE TO. BITCH FIXATED ON A TV SHOW AND MADE IT HIS WHOLE PERSONALITY WHICH I LOVE FOR HIM BUT GOTDAMN. LEO LITERALLY GOES INTO BATTLE IN S1 QUOTING HIS SPACE HEROES SHOW AND MAKING STUPID ONE LINERS AND TRYING TO BE ALL HEROIC BUT IT JUST COMES OFF AS DORKY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT MAKES ME SAD. HE’S FOLLOWING EXAMPLES AND HE WANTS TO IMPRESS AND HE WANTS TO DO GOOD OK HE WANTS TO GET A GOOD GRADE IN CHILD WHICH IS NORMAL TO WANT AND POSSIBLE TO ACHIVE LIKE LEO IDEALIZES SPLINTER THAT IS HIS DAD MAN HE STRIVES FOR HIS APPROVAL. I DONT CARE WHAT MY DAD HAS TO SAY MOST OF THE TIME BUT FAVING HIS DISSAPOINEMENT???? FUCKINF AWFUL.

AND THEN THE DUCKING KRAANG HAPPEN AND SPLINTER TELLS HIM TO PREPARE FOR LOSSES. PREPARE TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. AND HE REALIZES OH SHIT IS FR. UHM. OKAY. SO MAYBE THIS LEADING ISNT ALL I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. AND HE EXPRESSES THIS. MULTIPLE TIMES. THROUGHOUT THE FIRST AND SEVOND SEASON. AND THEN BE JUST STOPS. BRINING IT UP ALL TOGETHER. HE JUST STOPS. LIKE. DUDE. DUDE. HE WANTED TO BE LEADER SO BAD AT FIRST AND THEN THE HORRORS CAME FOR HIM. HE WAS NOT READY. NOW DONT GET ME WRONG, LEOS IN GENERAL ARE FUCKIJG CRAZY MAN THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT, LEO IS FULLY CAPABLE OF BEING THE LEADER HE JUST. HE WASNT FUCKING READY YET MAN. HE WAS 15. IM GONNA FUCKINF CRY.

NOT TO MENTION. IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT. HE’S KINDA ELEVATED TO THIS PEDESTAL AND NOW HE’S DUCKINF STUCK THERE MAN. LEO KEEPS TRYING TO BE THEIR LEADER AND TO HIM, THAT MEANS HE HAS TO DO IT ALONE. HE’S THE LEADER. YES HE KNOWS THAT HIS BROTHERS WILL BE THERE FOR HIM HE KNOWS THAT HE ISNT ALONE BUT THAT DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY HE IS THEIR LEADER AND HE HAS TO BE ABLE TO STAND ON HIS OWN AND THAT MENTALITY BLEEDS INTO EVERYTHING ELSE AND RAPH (and the others tbh. fuckijg everyone) JUST WANT THEIR FUCKING DORKY CRINGEFAIL LOSER BIG BROTHER BACK. DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

[gabapentinblues]

1.8.2025 nightly journal, tw; ed, sh and si

i feel absolutely awful. ive had such a horrible day just feeling suicidal all day and like i cant picture any kind of future for myself. i feel terrible.

i literally feel scared, like i dont know how much longer i can deal with feeling like this bc all i can think about is wanting to die. wanting to walk into oncoming traffic or step in front of a train or throw myself over the side of a bridge. i encounter all of these things every day and i dont know how long i can control my impulses. its strange to feel conflicted like part of me is having these urges but part of me is still stopping myself from acting on them and wants them to go away. i dont want to be suicidal, but its hard to believe that this feeling is going anywhere anytime soon. i feel defeated and frustrated.

it was absolutely bitterly horribly cold outside which doesnt help my wanting to die at all. i accidentally forgot to take my meds again and i just want to stop taking them all together bc i swear theyre not doing anything for me.

i went to therapy and cried talking about how hopeless ive been feeling. my therapist said to keep putting words to it and talking about it even if it feels like im always feeling and saying the same things, that it takes a long time but i'll be able to get thru it. i want to give up so badly. i dont see what reason there is not to. all of the reasons i can identify are for other people and it just doesnt feel fair. she said that i have to sit with my depression and be honest and try not to do things that are going to make it worse and try to say yes to anything i can that might help even the tiniest bit. its fucking exhausting. i want to die but all i can do instead is sleep.

i want to quit my job and give up completely. im so tired of living like this. even days where good things happen or i feel okay for a bit are just over so quickly and im right back to this. no reason to keep going.

they really want to support me in therapy but i dont know how much they can really help me at the end of the day. im running out of hope. im reaching the part of the month where my pms will be starting too so im about to be even more suicidal on top of my regular suicidal. it was horrible last month.

im having a hard time believing that anyone truly cares about me too. i feel lonely. i think about my ex and i feel stupid. i think about my friends and i think theyre selfish. i dont think they really need me or care about me or wouldnt be able to continue without me. even my family, it feels selfish, like how badly do you really need me here? why? im miserable. its not fair. i cant picture anyone unselfishly caring about me and really taking the time to understand how i feel.

we worked on coping skills toolboxes today and i wish i had gotten to stay all day bc i started to feel a little better at group but then i had to leave to go to work.

i was absolutely miserable and suicidal the whole time i was there. my pants were too tight, my new piercings are sore, and i wanted to scream. i wanted so badly to just walk out, and then not being able to made me want to cry. and i wasn't able to cry either so i just kept picturing cutting myself when i got home but now i dont even have the energy.

i started getting vertigo on the train from not having taken my meds for two days. i took them right away when i got home. there wasnt even anything i wanted to do when i got home. i just wanted to stop existing.

i took three pastries from work and ate all of them, who fucking knows how many calories, i just ate until i felt sick and called that dinner. i don't even care because i just hate myself right now. honestly i feel so upset and powerless and hopeless maybe i will self harm. i feel like theres nothing else i can do. im so tired and im so angry and i feel like no one can help me.

i took a fast shower which wasn't really relaxing or nice or anything. my shower is disgusting and doesnt drain and the water never stays the right temperature. i just got out as fast as i could.

i made a cup of tea and watched an ed youtuber to trigger myself. i want to start starving again so bad. i hate that im binge depressed right now and not starve depressed, i want to be able to make that switch.

anyway i just feel absolutely awful, feel like no one cares about me and that theres no point in anything and im just going to cvt myself and sleep for 12 hours.

[herhours]

(ive spent so many years digesting life with him that now, particularly, its hard not to think of him. when we first fell out at the beginning of covid, it was so rough. i had a really hard time adjusting to experiencing things and not being able to bounce them off him. i probably should have known then how important to me he was and again it's not necessarily that i didn't KNOW it's that i didn't really understand how much.

we had a conversation about no longer spending time together irl - the last years of our friendship we only texted, because whenever we had a sexual relationship it always got too volatile, and we could not be friends in person without inevitably having sex. which as an aside is emblematic of the issues in that relationship. he is a narcissist who cannot be emotionally vulnerable or intimate with another person, and that connection was always lacking in our sexual relationship. its not hard to have a vulnerable and intimate connection with someone you're having sex with, it's literally possible to do with strangers. b can only keep sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy separate. obviously. anyway, i say all this to say we talked about all of this and i told him plainly that with the extent of our emotional connection if we were to continue to have a sexual relationship it would be inevitable that i would want to be in love with him. and knowing he wasnt going to be able to do that, i didnt really care what else he thought about anything because i knew he was always going to disappoint me that way.

i can separate sexual intimacy from emotional intimacy, but i can also blend them, lol. compare with m, we had sexual intimacy but not emotional intimacy 😂 IT IS ALL SO VERY FUCKING STUPID 😂 like do men even know this is how stupid they are? lol. you have a guy in your life and youre only getting one side of him and its a toss up which side you get, like its so fucking dumb. sex with b was ALWAYS just physical i literally never felt shit emotionally with him during sex, not one time, the closest time being the time i felt relaxed enough to be giggly and playful. and that had nothing to do with him, i was just in whatever mood that day that time. imagine doing all the motions of sex with someone and there being no fucking emotional connection - how the fuck could you live that way? i truly don't get it? which i guess makes me want to reconsider the spin on m, lol. i never made the connection before now that they were on opposite sides of the same spectrum 😂 so what does it say or mean one a person is on one side and one is on the other... does it even matter? is one really worse than the other? (though i would perhaps make judgment that it is worse for m, to be only able to connect with someone sexually and live in a prison of falsehoods all the rest of the time in real life. congrats, m's wife! he chose you for that life of falsehoods! man, ngl i wonder what their sex life is like particularly because she quickly got fat even before they even got married. meanwhile he looks great, got in better shape.)

oh well. i suppose it doesn't matter. i wish i had other things to think about but i'm also ok to post mortem my past generally anyway. ive been thinking a lot recently about my own negative thought patterns, and have been recognizing some secondary emotions that i use, too, that are keeping me stuck. so i decided to say essentially fuck those secondary worries, and not let them get in the way of doing things that i need to be doing, even though i do still feel them and do still believe they are true. things like how its all a waste of time and i wont feel better for trying anyway and none of it matters and i dont care anymore. those things are all still true, but i have to decide that even if they are true they don't matter. i still need to do these things, even though knowing i feel this way means they aren't going to change how i feel. and isnt that all this stupid shit is in the first place, making the choice even though you know its not going to fix or heal anything.

that's better than not making the choice and there still obviously being nothing that is going to fucking fix or heal anything either.

[frost-bites-slushies]

x

sometimes i forget that im never allowed to go back, that i cant participate over there anymore as much as id love to. i cant post anything about that anymore and its just my fault. im scared what people are saying about me there, i dont know and its so very scary.

i dont know how i couldve stayed in that fandom after what i did, but i want to, but i also know id only open myself up to reminding them of me after they likely started to move on. i dont want to be that selfish, i hurt people, i affected people, but i still like to just. fantasize over what i would do.

i'd love to have made a little fan character, based on one of my cute little plushies maybe, probably the apprentice to my favorite character in that au. probably shit at cooking just like me too, but they keep em around cuz theyre sweet eheeh

iunno, i can only dream though, as much as i wish i could make it real. i know the people there and i know they know eachother, theres no doubt at least one warned their friends about me. my favorite creator from that fandom blocked me, i still see snippets of their work through reblogs, but. i know they told the other creators in that fandom about me. to look out for me maybe. i dont know why some of those creators havent blocked me yet, but i can count my blessings i suppose, but i wouldnt complain if they did block me, because i deserve it entirely.

i dont know, i just. wish. maybe if i changed my name? maybe if i tried to change everything about myself so i wasnt recognizable? so much about me would be lost, the characters i developed for years before now, the name i got from nice memories with past friends of mine. but i would be free. i would be able to go back, to do what i want to do, to come back smarter and more informed as someone new.

but that would just be lying. and lying got me here. i would lose so much, and would it be worth it? to be able to participate in something i love if i have to limit myself forever? i can never talk how i want, draw how i want, ill have to get rid of my sona and make it unique enough that they couldnt track me down. but if i do reenter that fandom, ill be found out by them as quick as a heartbeat, because i talked with them so often and shared so much of myself.

and they put all that information i trusted them with into making a post about me. they put the art that i gave to them as gifts in the post so people could recognize how i draw, they put the details of how i interact with others and how i use my account online so people could figure me out even if i didnt post art, and im damn sure if i didnt delete it, my discord would be in the post too. if i showed my face, im sure they would have slapped that in there. im surprised they didnt try and detail what my fucking voice sounded like.

because of a stupid dingy little post they made, im restricted from things i love, because even after knowing me for months, they think i didnt feel guilt. that i wanted to hurt them and i did it on purpose. that i didnt learn from what i did to them. they think i was so immature that i didnt know what i did wrong.

do they still think that? do they believe i am really so immature and stupid that i wouldnt learn? i was their best friend. i was so close to all of them. i believed them all to be sweet people, but they made me terrified of coming back to the internet at all. I didnt run away for my own selfishness, i ran so they didnt have to see my face again, but the very person i listened to them fucking shit talk about behind closed doors found my account and outed me.

do you know how much shit i have on them? the things i could say about them? how awful they are in private? i believe only two people of the group are genuinely nice people, and even then they still cut me off, like they had every right to do. but they didnt make me terrified, they didnt yell and scream at me, they didnt call me a "slippery rat" and a manipulative lying bastard. They wanted to believe in me, but they rightfully took the victim side and cut me out. one figured out a bit later that they were wrong for trying to keep contact with me, the other was only dissapointed in me, which hurt significantly more than hateful words.

only two people of the whole group were respectful to me. they treated me like a human that did something awful, and not just a sick, twisted and manipulative monster. one of the group tried to manipulate one of the two people that were willing to keep contact and help me change. this person told my friend to just pretend to be my friend, and ghost me once i got new friends or felt better, to be my fake friend and dissapear once "everything was fine".

another ranted and called me hateful things in a reblog of the stupid post on me. they said i was a rat, that i "got away before they could get to me", assumedly to curse at me in dms like in that reblog. they told me to never come back, that nobody likes me, that i no longer had a place in that fandom.

i was scared, and i still am. but ive said that enough times. I've been scared for a while, and the people that are still beside me know that.

i just wish i could do what i love, but as they said, i dont have a place there anymore.

i think ill come back as someone new.