#fuck i dunno if anyone cares pr how I'll feel in the morning

[hazzybat]

Okay I was gonna sleep but I need to put this out somewhere. It's rambly cause it's 2:30am and I need to sleep. Thoughts on my personal gender and how Joker Out is giving me a small crisis maybe.

I think I want to be a boy.

I want to be a boy in the easy way. I want to be masculine because I'm a man not because of anything else. I want to be a man no matter how I dress or look.

It's so easy for a man to be feminine. You put a flower in a man's hair or wear a skirt and he is feminine.

But he's feminine in a masculine way. He's feminine like a man. He can still look masculine. Kris looks feminine in a masculine way. Bojan looks feminine in a masculine way.

If you put me in a skirt I'm a woman. If you put flowers in my hair I'm a girl. There is no masculinity to me.

There is no way I can be masculine in the way I want. I'm short with very delicate and feminine features. I have a very feminine body.

In media (photos and videos etcetera) the way to make a woman masculine is for her to already look it. For her to have a strong jaw or broad shoulders. They put her in blazers and trousers and give her short sleek hair because men don't have curly hair or long hair. I don't want that masculinity. Masculine in a feminine way. Masculine in a way you know she's a woman.

Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I love being feminine in my own way. In an extravagant, alternative way. I love skirts and dresses and how my legs look in heeled boots. Often I like it. Often I'm fine with my body.

But lately especially with Joker Out I just so badly want to be masculine like they are. Masculine in an easy way. Masculine because they're men and nothing more. Masculine even when feminine.

They can dress well and wear pink and be in charge of their sexuality because they're men. They are sexy how men are sexy. They're flirty how men are flirty.

I dunno. I kinda like being called He/Him but that only happened as a teenager when I had no hair or chest.

I never knew if my enjoyment of that was an enjoyment of being seen as a boy or a joy of being not seen as myself.

I don't think I'm a girl. I don't think I've ever been. But I don't feel a connection to anything anyway. I view myself as a monster. In a good way. A thing that isn't human to start with. The most beautiful I've ever felt is when I wear demon horns. When I have fangs in. When I'm dressed up for Halloween. It feels more right to wear horns than any clothing I can think of.

My hair is so different to anything that it helps me feel different. Feel like a creature people comment on and aren't quite sure what to do with. I have a damn red, curly mohawk so there aren't exactly people that look like me and in a way I like that. My hair is masculine and feminine. It's so outside of the status quo it can be both and neither. I like being so different i can pretend I'm not human. Pretend I am an alien simply observing.

I will never be happy with my gender and myself I don't think because it will always change and be just out of reach. It's just often very far in the background. A tiny feeling I can ignore. Then sometimes I see a man do something and I hate them. I hate that no matter what I do in my life I will never be seen like that.

If I want to be sexy I will be seen as being sexy in a feminine way. I will be sexy in the way an object is. I will be sexy because I'm a woman so I'm meant to be sexy.

If a man is sexy its new and different. A man being sexy is him being effortless. A man being sexy is power he always had.

Male sexuality has the man in charge.

Female sexuality has the man in charge

And yes I know that woman can be dominating but I don't want to dominate. I don't want to be some tough strong woman who doesn't take shit.

I want to be a 25 year old guy who doesn't have to fucking fight tooth and nail to be seen in society as revolutionary because he says what he thinks. I want to be a 25 year old guy with a broad chest and just enough beard hair to be attractive.

This isn't really a gender crisis. I knew I was something else since high school. It didn't bother me enough to try and do much about it. Mostly I'm fine with what I am. Usually I'm fine because the truth is there is no way for me to ever exist the way I want because then society has to change in ways it never will and my body has to become something it physically can't.

Maybe if I was fully a man it would be easier. Maybe if I was fully a woman it would be easier.

Maybe if I was fully human it would be easier.