#fuck 2022 with a cactus and boot it into the sun

[esseastri]

hi I just need to scream into the void I know it’s been a while but just...

fuck. fuck. this year.

please don’t reblog this, I just need to--god, I just need to make a list.

january opened --literally day 3-- with me and my coworkers doing inventory at the store and one of them, A, having a covid-positive stepdad who didn’t tell her he was positive despite the fact that they live together which means the first week of the year was Schrödinger’s Covid.

middle of January, my best friend, E, had a shouting match with my shitty coworker, R, in the store. we all know how I feel about confrontation.

february opened with the Return of my Chronic Pain

february middled with E quitting work--good for her to no longer be in a toxic environment, shit for me because working with her made that job so much better

february closed with my dad dying.

march opened with my dad’s funeral, and cleaning out his room and dealing with my mom in the aftermath and the bureaucracy of death

E and R had another shouting fight which basically ended any chance of reconciliation

L had a full-on work-stress mental breakdown the day I got back from my trip home that lasted two days.

I had panic attacks about going into the store, the mask mandate dropped, and I started my absolutely intolerable “class”

april opened with the QH campaign, which was awesome but holy fuck stressful. shipping/processing 550 books in three days and hosting the event was. too much.

had hideous migraines for several days

E found a lump in her breast, had a biopsy, and found out she has cancer.

beginning of may was K in the hospital for a week with an unidentified virus and them doing tests on her heart. her heart. she’s fine now but like. what the fuck.

my grandmother died.

E scheduled her surgery, and we all know how I feel about surgery/hospitals.

I didn’t go home for my grandmother’s funeral because the mere thought of dealing with an airport made me fully nauseous, so I spent a week feeling terribly about not going home despite it being the right decision and everyone at home telling me so

L had a few days of health concern and she’s ok now but like. jesus fuck.

my other grandmother’s blood pressure is doing weird shit and they’re messing with her meds.

I’m struggling with really bad insomnia again

one of the members of my ttrpg group canceled game bc they were going to the doctor for what they thought was a severe stomach bug and was, in fact, ““concerning”“ blood work and being admitted to the hospital for more tests on what is probably cancer in their colon and liver.

plus, of course, there’s still a global pandemic that everyone is ignoring, and the numbers in our county are going steadily up; there’s a war in ukraine; roe v wade got fucked; queer persecution is on the rise again; there have been several mass shootings and not even the cursory talk about gun control those used to engender; books keep getting banned plus the industry that I’ve given my life and all my hopes and dreams to is a fucking dumpster fire; climate change/disaster is ongoing and getting worse

and none of this is happening to me but all of it is happening to me and--

and goddamnit, it’s not even june yet.

I cannot drag myself out of this depression and my entire body hurts. I hate this. I hate this year. I’m so tired all the time. I’m just supposed to go to work and do my stupid job, I’m supposed to eat food and drink water and I just. god. fuck. I don’t know what to do. there is nothing to do. everything feels incredibly pointless and stupid and everything tastes like dust and everything hurts and I just want to sleep. I want to put down everything I’m carrying and just fucking sleep. what am I doing? why am I typing this, why am I not--i don’t know, helping. what am I doing? how am I supposed to keep going under all this weight?