#ft. dionysus rhea

[my-name-is-apollo]

OKAY so I read "The Caesars" by emperor Julian and y'all, if you love Lucian's satires this is absolutely for you.

Here are some of my favorite parts from it:

A quick summary: Romulus (who has now attained the status of a god, like Heracles) once hosted a Saturnalia and invited the Greek gods and the Roman emperors to the banquet. A contest between the Roman emperors ensued, with Alexander the Great called in as an extra contestant upon Heracles' request.

Silenus is the star of the show, doing most of the jesting. But I really like the way his bond with Dionysus is highlighted

And it's no joke, he really does roast these emperors till they're sizzling lol starting with Julius Caesar himself:

Next comes Augustus Octavius, whose entry is so pretentious and pompous that it becomes repulsive

Apollo gets a bit defensive over his "nursling" (a nod to the belief that Octavius was actually Apollo's son) and goes *insert Barbie meme "it's really not that bad! it just needs a little... shaping. To the salon!!"* ft Zenon the Philosopher who casts some spells of philosophy to make Octavius less obnoxious

And it works because Octavius is mostly humble and well mannered for the rest of the day lol

Heracles grabs this opportunity to fanboy over Alexander the great.

Like, "my beloved Alexander"?? It's cute when the gods gush over their mortal descendants.

Now, a shoutout to the emperors who didn't even get a chance to sit in the assembly because they were the worst of the lot apparently. We have:

Caligula, so terrible that the gods didn't wanna even look at him and he straight away was sent to Tartarus

Nero, who tried to be an Apollo wannabe and promptly got taken to the underworld

Commodus, whom Silenus didn't even bother to roast (and he tripped and fell anyway, what a loser)

There are more but these were the funniest

Anyway, the gods decide on how to choose the best amongst the Emperors. Apollo and Hermes have differing opinions on this, but Zeus decides to entertain the suggestions of both of his sons :3 (finally, one instance where he treats Apollo and Hermes equally)

All the emperors talk about their achievements first, then Hermes cross examines them to see if their motives were worthy enough and oh boy, it does not go well for Alexander who is brought to the verge of tears by Dionysus lmaooo

Anyway, in the end the gods vote and Emperor Marcus Aurelius wins the contest. But after that, Zeus asks each emperor to choose a god to spend the rest of their evening with

Ares and Aphrodite kind of just adopt Caesar LOL and yes, Cronus is present, sitting beside Zeus, with Rhea and Hera also sitting with them. He is the one who nominates Marcus Aurelius.

but here's the most crack part of this whole thing:

Like who invited Jesus bro skdjsndn 😭

Anyway, the story ends with Hermes giving some generic advice to the author, Emperor Julian and ending the story. Also, Julian lets us know that this whole story was told to him by none other than Hermes himself, and gives a disclaimer that he doesn't know if it's is true or just a lie fabricated by Hermes, or a mixture of both LMAO

Here's the link PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE THING

[prcmethevs]

dionysusrhea​:

Daddy always says, there isn’t a problem Theus can’t solve. Not a direct quote, but the sentiment rings true as far as they are concerned. She’s seen the mountains they have moved, to put both Nemean News and the Rhea family on the right side of the law. Not an easy feat, and certainly not with the likes of herself or Artemis or Hermes breaking the rules every two seconds. It’s only natural, then, that Dion calls upon them. Who else would know the risk she’s taken, and the best way out? Lest she return to her father, with a murmured apology about a sunk investment, she’s otherwise royally screwed. Fortunately, Theus seems amenable enough. Sure, there’s that ever-classic bewilderment on their face. That exhaustion that can only come from handling the Rhea children’s affairs for too long. But really, it’s par for the course. It’s a lack of a larger reaction, that soothes her worries.

“Not exactly - my market research shows that warning labels are itchy. And a nuisance. People rip them off, anyways.” Tilting her head, she adds; “Besides, they get sticky when attached to the candy.” One of the more candid pieces of feedback delivered to Dion. But it’s neither here nor there. At their follow-up question, she smirks wickedly. A loss of her seemingly dour position. Who knew mock legal counsel could be this fun? “Well,” she reaches into the nearby box, with the Bacchanal logo affixed to the top, and gingerly retrieves a licorice-made thong. “We adjusted the ingredient list so it keeps its shape and flexibility. We also swapped the candy for organic alternatives, so it has a far shorter shelf life.” Dion explains, patient and in-tune as she slides the thong across the table. “Here, have a sample. Honestly? It’s entirely safe. But Art put the worry in my head, and I’d rather avoid a scandal about how Dionysus Rhea is synonymous with chafing in the nether regions.”

♢♢♢

Prometheus tried their best to follow Dion’s explanation as she went on about her market research and ingredients breakdown. Still the creasing on their brows never quite ceased away.  not even when Dion reached for a pair of thong out of a box and handed it over for them to inspect for themself. Granted it was Dionysus Rhea that they were dealing with. Defying the conventional and embracing eccentricity – for better and for worse – had always been her strongest forte. Still, even when taking kinks into consideration, an edible thong sounded too impractical to deal with and Prometheus couldn’t help but wonder what had gone through her head when she decided this was a smart business venture. 

Still, they picked up the thong off the table and carefully examined it. Just as Dion said, the material was flexible and, to their surprise, it wasn’t as sticky as they initially imagined. Not that it waved off much to their skepticism, or the issues they might stumble upon in the future. "If your research had shown the labels get sticky to the candy, wouldn’t it be likely to run into the same issue with the wearers’ skin and pubic hair?” Prometheus managed to keep the grimace off their face at the thought when they looked up at Dion. "In any case, it’s still best to get professional assessment, especially to ensure it won’t cause unexpected side effects in the long run. So if you are absolutely certain about pursuing this one, I think you should postpone the launch for a little longer. In the mean time, I can prepare the necessary paperwork and submit it for review.” And pray to the Fates that everything goes smoothly. “As for the labels, I suppose you can forgo them and opt for a clear and visible warning on the packaging,” they suggested with a smile as they offered the thong back to Dion. “That way you still give the buyers a disclaimer of what they’re purchasing just so they know the risk.”