#frowny face heartbreak stuff

[midwesternorcprincess]

man i don't even know what gf is feeling about our relationship ending. is she even torn up about it at all? not like she has to react in a certain way to please me, it's not her job to match me in crying on the bus every day and on the phone every time she calls me. but, you know, she's never held back in sharing all her feelings about everything else in her life with me. does she feel that little about it? what does she even feel she's about to lose?

don't know how to ask her about it without sounding accusatory and nagging. she's been gentle and sensitive toward me, but i seem to be the only one in fucking mourning

[percywinchester27]

.

[annoyingfobbie]

smfs listening party - this is only spoilers if u count my unspecific opinion on the music as a spoiler lol

okay so!!!!! i got there first because i went at literally 1PM because i had nothing else to do and am anxious. I just loitered around the store until about 2, then headed out to see if the line was starting, and it was! there were three people in front of me and they were v nice. so then we just sat there and hung out for a few hours lol

i was one of the first 50 ppl in so they gave me a little poster (just the smiley frowny face on a black background)

anyways, there was a clip of patrick introducing the album before it started, and then also a clip of him introducing Hold Me Like a Grudge before that one played, and then again for What a Time To Be Alive and then the title track, so that was cute, he just gave like little bits of info about making the song

but anyways, here are my thoughts on the music, without giving away anything specific about any song: the album is definitely very much a happy/hopeful album, the music all had that upbeat vibe in some way or another. which im gonna be honest isn't really the type of music i listen to dfkhdfsjh but i was expecting that from hearing Other Side and Heartbreak, and also in general i just mostly listen to FOBs pre hiatus albums bc those are more my cup of tea (theres post hiatus stuff i absolutely love as well, but i just don't really listen to the albums as much. but they're amazing albums, zero hate to post hiatus, i'm a big fan of a good amount of post hiatus songs). so like this album is def post hiatus vibes, obviously, because it is post hiatus, and i prob won't be listening to every song on it religiously the way i do with the pre hiatus albums. that being said, the title track,,,,, was so fucking amazing. i'm not gonna say anything specific but holy shit i loved it so much. when they pllayed it all i was thinking was "i can't fucking wait for this to come out so that i can listen to this one over and over and over"

anyways that is all i just had to vent about my experience, it was really fun!

[nocteverbascio]

what are your intentions (6/10) - rated m

Pairing: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane Summary:  It was a fun to push each other’s buttons because it not only brought out the best in one another. Both women met their match in one another. Only now, things have changed. And Alex is pissed. A/N: when kara tries to help it jsut makes alex feel worse

ao3 link

“We’re going to fix this Alex,” Kara says with her eyes burning with determination.

Alex digs into the strawberry shortcake ice cream sadly. She’s curled up on her couch with a pillow against her chest as Kara paces in front of her with a white board.

She’s been wallowing and brooding all week.

Alex knows Kara’s picked up on it because of how often she’s been present. Kara has always been good at cheering people up. She’s always full of energy and determination. She lives life fully and unapologetically. Underneath it all, Alex knows Kara carries a sadness to last a lifetime and maybe that’s why she shines so bright. So that no one has to understand the pain and sadness she’s been through.

It makes Alex feel guiltier as she digs deeper into the pint of ice cream.

She’s been in relationships with people before. But no one has ever mattered as much as Lucy. And when Alex thinks of being with Lucy, it terrifies her to think that anyone could be just as important as Kara.

Alex has done almost everything in her life for Kara. She’s Kara’s big sister, her protector, her best friend, you name it. So maybe, she just wants to wallow a bit more. Maybe ignore her feelings and crawl into a hole forever until they go away. Alex doesn’t know how she broach the conversation that Kara plays a much bigger role in her decision than she thinks.

“Okay! Let’s start,” Kara says with a flourish as she motions to the white board.

It’s titled: Dating Lucy Lane in rainbow colors with a line down the middle. One side subtitled: Pros! With an emoji with heart eyes and the other with CONS and an angry frowning emoji.

“Do we need to do this?” Alex complains as she stuffs her mouth full of ice cream. She regrets it as the brain freeze settles in.

Kara frowns as she snatches the pint of ice cream from her sister. “Yes,” she insists. “We have to do this. I’m trying to understand how you feel about her so we can fix this.”

“There’s nothing to fix, Kara,” Alex says with resignation in her voice.

Kara gives her a disapproving look. “Alex, if there was nothing to fix, your feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now.”

Alex rolls her eyes and shrugs like it isn’t a big deal.

“Come on, let’s start with cons to get that out of the way,” Kara goes on. “I promise this is going to help.”

Alex stares at her sister. Kara’s blue eyes full of hope and promise. She can’t say no to her at all. “Fine,” she huffs. Entertaining her sister wouldn’t be such a bad idea. At least she finally has someone to talk to, even if she doesn’t want to talk.

“Cons!” Kara pops open the marker with a flourish.

Alex thinks about it for a moment. What about Lucy doesn’t she like?

After a moment, she says, “Her dad.”

“Huh,” Kara agrees as she puts Sam Lane on the list with a frowny face. “What else?”

“She dated your current boyfriend.”

“I knew dating James would make this weird!” Kara says as she writes James down. “Alright, what else?”

You. Alex shuts her mouth instantly. No, she shoves another scoop of ice cream in her mouth to shut herself up. There’s guilty creeping up her spine like vines, sinking into her predatorily but not quite vicious. She knows it’s only her mind playing tricks on her but Alex has lived with this far too long to be anything but reality.

Alex is the protector. She maintains order. She is the leader. If she fails at any of those that means failing her family. The most important family she has is Kara.

Kara is staring at the board thoughtfully before she realizes that Alex hasn’t responded. She turns to her sister with a curious look. “What’s wrong?” It isn’t hard for Kara to read Alex’s emotions.

Alex projects them so well without even realizing it. Whatever she’s holding onto is evident on her face even as she shoves ice cream into it.

“It’s nothing,” Alex answers as she clears her throat. She tries to put a brave front.

Kara gives her a skeptical look as she sinks down next to Alex. She peels the pint of ice cream from Alex’s fingers. “Talk to me,” she pleads. “I hate to say this, but I feel like you’ve been hiding this from me on purpose.”

Alex furrows her brows in confusion. “No, no,” she tries lying. “Lucy and I weren’t serious. It’s hardly something I would want to bring up to you.”

Kara drops her shoulders, trying to level with Alex. “You weren’t serious, but it’s kind of clear you want to be something more. You can be something serious with Lucy. I’m sure she wants the same thing with you because she doesn’t seem like the type to do things halfway.”

“She isn’t,” Alex agrees ruefully. She can’t help the smile that creeps at the corner of her lips as she thinks of Lucy. Yet, the cold thoughts whispering her reminders of who she is suppresses the smile. Alex tightens her jaw as she shakes her head. “We really shouldn’t do this Kara.”

“Alex, no,” Kara says quickly as she grabs onto her sister’s hands. “Don’t shut me out. Please. I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” Alex throws back more defensively than she intends. She feels even worse at the stunned look on Kara’s face. “I’m sorry. I know you want me to be happy but Kara, there’s something that you need to understand. Maybe I’m not cut out for this relationship stuff.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is Kara. I don’t think there’s ever someone that’s stuck around long enough for me to want to feel close to.”

“That’s because they weren’t the right person. They weren’t willing to put in the work for you. Lucy isn’t like that. Lucy is--”

“Lucy is so much more than I expected,” Alex admits, feeling the tug in her heart. “But I can’t be that person for her.”

“Why? Why do you keep saying that?” Kara shoots back. There’s a sad frustration in her voice as she pleads with Alex. “Why do you think that you can’t be with Lucy? You’re smart, beautiful, and amazing. You guys are eerily perfect for each other.”

Alex pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t, Kara. I just can’t.”

“Alex, you can. You can be with her and you deserve to be with her,” Kara encourages earnestly. She stares at Alex so hopefully and honestly that it hurts to stare at her.

Alex hates this feeling that wrenches inside of her chest. She can see the heartbreak that Kara feels for her. She’s her older sister and here Kara was doing so much for her. She is supposed to be Kara’s rock, always. Undoubtedly, Alex would always be there to protect and make sure that Kara was the one that was happy. No matter what the sacrifices were, Alex was willing to make them.

Yet, Alex doesn’t know which one is worse. How much it hurts to not be with Lucy or how guilty she feels if she was going to be with Lucy.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong Alex,” Kara begs at this point. She’s already staring at Alex with her puppy eyes. “Please.”

Alex cups Kara’s cheek gently in her hand. Kara holds her hand over Alex’s as she waits patiently for her. Her voice comes out coarse as she speaks softly, regretfully, “You don’t understand, Kara, I do want to be with Lucy.” Kara opens her mouth when Alex shakes her head. “But I can’t be with her because it makes me feel guilty.”

Alex shudders as she forges on, Kara patiently listening. “Everytime that I want something for myself I just feel like I am being selfish. Whenever I’m selfish things always, always go wrong. And I can’t stand the idea that every time I go for something that I want, there’s this dreadful ending waiting for me to reach.”

“This isn’t the same though…”

Alex feels the tears well in her eyes as her emotions continue to pour into her. “It isn’t. It’s worse because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so much. The more I want something, the worse it’s going to be.” She thinks of Lucy and all that she wants them to be. It starts to overwhelm her. “When I think of Lucy--when I think of being with her, it feels so vivid, so visceral, that I can’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt like this. It-it feels like I need her and it’s mortifying because I shouldn’t need anyone as much as I feel like I need her.”

Kara throws her arms around her sister’s shoulders and pulls her in closely as the tears threaten to fall. Alex shudders as holds onto Kara tightly. “It’s okay to need someone from time to time,” Kara comforts as she rubs Alex’s back. “We can’t always do everything on our own. No matter who we are. Look at me, I need you.”

Alex holds onto her sister even tighter. She buries her face into Kara’s strong shoulder, trying to be that strength Kara needs. “I know you do. And I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always be your big sister and your protector.”

“I know that,” Kara says so easily. “But I don’t need you all the time.”

“You don’t know that,” Alex lets out unconsciously.

Kara lessens her hold over Alex slowly before peeling herself away. She stares at Alex curiously, trying to see her sister eye to eye. “Do you feel this way because of me?” she asks carefully.

The look on Alex’s face seems to say it all. Alex can’t help herself as she stares guiltily at her sister. It’s why she wanted to avoid this conversation in the first place.

“Alex, come on,” Kara throws out incredulously. “Do you think that if you were selfish, something bad would happen to me? Or us?”

Alex feels her heart tighten. “I don’t want to feel like I’m abandoning you.”

“No,” Kara suddenly declares. “How could you think that? You’ve never abandoned me ever. I know that.” She sits up straighter as she stares at Alex with passion in her eyes. They shine similar to Alex’s tear filled eyes. “You’ve given me so much more than I could ever ask for since landing here on Earth. You have been my rock, my heart. You are my person, Alex. Just because you take care of me all of the time doesn’t mean that you have to. We are family. We take care of each other.”

The gravity of Kara’s words cut through Alex’s reservations. She feels the dam break and the tears fall freely as she reaches for Kara.

Kara holds Alex once more, feeling her sister rely just a bit more on her. “It’s okay, Alex. We’re not kids anymore. You don’t always have to protect me. Let me protect you for once.”

Alex shudders through her tears as she feels herself relax against Kara.

“Besides, I know that Lucy loves me too, so she’d probably kick your ass if you abandoned me,” Kara tries as she shakes her sister.

Alex actually laughs at this. “She would,” Alex agrees with an uncontrollable smile on her face. She can just imagine Lucy giving her that look whenever Alex does something wrong on mission.

Kara smiles brightly as she stares at Alex. “I really want you to be happy, you know that right?” Alex sheepishly nods in agreement because fighting it doesn’t make it any less true. “Does Lucy make you happy?”

Alex takes a deep breath. “She makes me feel so much more than that.”

Kara beams. “Then, we’re going to make sure you get your girl.”

[dead-gay-bitxh]

Yknow, if I could find someone who could collab with me on comics and stuff, we would be like...on lock. I just thought up great cute/heartbreaking not-gay thing. Though if I did have someone like that to chill with online, they would probably be poor mental breakdowns by the end of the first week. ...frowny-face

[midwesternorcprincess]

well. gf and I are breaking up. not right away. we're gonna get through the holidays and then see where we are because we both kinda need each other rn. and I think because we also both want closure and to see each other's families one more time. that is also something I will regret losing, that we got on so well with each other's families. that was one of the things that made me happiest, idk

it all comes down to her wanting to be poly. I won't do it. I told her, and I knew from the very start, I wouldn't do it, and if I ever agreed to it, it would be fully against my will. I tried to compromise. I know I'm ace and she's not, and that there are things that I won't do and things I can't give her even if I were willing. I allowed her to have hookups with people, to do specific sex acts that I wouldn't do, from very early on in our relationship. she was always very transparent with me and asked my permission for every act, and I allowed it because I thought it was only fair, but I was never really comfortable with it. every single one of them wore me down.

and that she was always asking for more, always seeking more outside attention and new hookups, every single one of those expressions wore me down too even if nothing came of them. I don't think I was neglecting her when it came to sexual attention and to the sex we did have. I know I wasn't neglecting her when it came to love and to taking care of her. but I think that even had I been there to keep up with her and done every sex act she could have wished for, she would still have been unsatisfied and always looking for the next person. I think that is just in her nature, it seems she is never satisfied with anything. I don't think even she has any idea what the aim of it all is, what she expects to get out of always seeking more and more and more

so I guess it didn't come as a shock when she said she wanted to do full on polyamory. but when I wouldn't budge on it, that's when we both acknowledged we would have to part ways. I wasn't going to let it break me any further. I know the drill. have a baby to save the marriage, that sort of thing. when someone says they want to go poly, that is the death knell of the relationship. idk why people keep pretending it's not. I mean, I guess I do know, same as the baby, they think it will save them. it never, ever does. I wish people would acknowledge the truth in that, same as they know about the baby. but they won't, so they go off and be poly for a few months while things continue to keep crashing around them and they break up worse off than before. not me.

I mean, it's not even the only reason; I knew already for a while that our relationship wasn't viable long-term. she won't leave her hometown and I won't go back. didn't claw my way out of that place just to be shut back in, not after I've made a good life somewhere else. I want to get married someday and I don't want to be always long-distance. we both have some pretty irreconcilable bad habits that put strain on us when staying in the same house together. and there are some ways in which I think she doesn't understand me. not that I think anyone needs to fully understand everything about anybody, but sometimes there's something about you that's too fundamental to go unshared. I don't think she relates to my sense of awe for what is and was, any more than I can relate to her roving restlessness.

but, you know. it's the poly thing that is breaking us up most immediately. and that seems like the stupidest reason and the only one I actually resent. I love her and she loves me. we first had this conversation a few months ago, knew our relationship would have to end, but decided not to dwell on it and just enjoy the time we had left. and at the time I could kinda do that, but it's a growing shadow looming so large over me now. I can't feel any love without also feeling the pain of knowing that it's ending. and I can't feel any pain without knowing that it's from how much I love her. when I think that someday I'll never hold her again, never bury my face in her hair while I'm spooning her, and never wake up to her nuzzling into my back - I can't stand it. and I can't stand it, thinking of how our love began, my first kiss and intimate touch, the inexplicable love I felt for the stranger she was then, how she looked at me like no one had ever looked at me before, I can't stand that it will be over. I love her so much. god damn it. she's been a wonderful partner to me. I couldn't have had a better companion in my first relationship. I thought I was unlovable until she showed me otherwise. I'll be okay but I worry for her. I can't stop her from wanting what she wants.

[midwesternorcprincess]

gf and I ended the relationship. we knew it was coming. we spent a really nice and happy Christmas and last few days together. we ended on a note of still being in love. it was very hard sending her off this morning but I watched some movies and was kind of okay for several hours

but now I feel pretty messed up. there's an anxiety I can't explain. I'm afraid to feel the rest of the night

[midwesternorcprincess]

gf asked me if she could meet with someone for possible [specific sex act]. I allowed that as always and then after she'd done it she told me they had also done other things that are things I do with her. said I wished she had asked me about those. she responded with what I think was slight surprise and said she wouldn't do that anymore. so idk, maybe that hurts worse in its way, that she wasn't even trying to hide anything from me, and it just genuinely didn't occur to her that I might feel hurt by someone else encroaching on my territory.

idk I am kinda mad at all of it, at the poly shit all around me, because for the queer scene here fucking EVERYONE is just poly. and I think it comes from just a complete fucking inability to not be stimulated at every fucking moment, like an adult equivalent of ipad babies. not that I think there's no room in the world for non-monogamy but it seems to just be a given for these people that their desire for constant and instant gratification is more important than any commitment to another person. I don't think I am the one who's out of line for not wanting to feel like I'm that replaceable.

but I don't have the heart to be mad at gf. she hurt my feelings and I still just want her to comfort me over it, not that she can. I'm her top but I sure don't fucking feel like it now. I feel so pathetic and fragile