#frostbite instead of my stupid gotdam brain
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I think I would like 2 die actually
#delete later. tw// abuse. sorry this id all in one tag i ran out of space#for legal reasons this is a jokenbut like#so glad we're still at the cabin bc gotts say. had aReallt Fucking Big panic attack earlier and it was.#very nice to sit outside in 25° westher with no shoes and have 2 barn cats come up to me instead of like. a cop#they have a deck that overlooks a pond n its right next to the cows n so i couldnt see them but i could hear them#n it was Fucking Cold wich was axtuallt kind of nice bc i could focus on my toes and fingers gettinf#frostbite instead of my stupid gotdam brain#anyway morgan still fuckign live in this bad boy and she is still actively making sure i ruin every relationship i touch <333333#fucking hurts me physically to even type heart emojis ironically and i hate it#i wanna go back to saying the l word and not wanting to break down every time i hate her so much#i was doing so fucking well and then two weeks ago happened and im still a fucking awful mess#i was dojng so well!!! i had friends!!! i had a crush! for the first time since her!!!!#but its like she sensed that somehow and cosmically wanted to make sure i fucked those up !!!!#i haven't talked to her in literal years but i still hesr her voice in the back of my fucking mind#even this stupid cabin trip like#i woke up at 5am because i had a nightmare. and for like the first 20 minutes i was awake i was fucking consumed wjth just#panic. because i forgot to text her to tell her i was gonna be on vacation#so she didnt know i wouldnt be avle to drive her anywhere or like. be with her#and i was do fucking scared bc we're going back this afternoon and i didnt eant her to be mad at me for keeping this from her#but like!!! fuck!!! i havent even spoken to her since last year and i havent seen her in person in almost 2 years!!!#shes not anywhere near my apartment!! why am i still so worried im gonna see her face and shes gonna tell me how worthless i am#but then shes gonna. hold my hand and pet my hair and tell me she forgives me bc even though im a fucking piece of garbage i still#came back to her and didnt leave her alone and. maybe im not so useless after all#but thats fucking stupid !!!! and i cant even maintainnmy friendships Now without thinking abt her bc#i do something that i have now leanred is perfectly normal. but ever since a couple weeks ago i do the same things and remember how fucking#mad at me she would be and so i have to apologize and then people think im weird for apologizing bc its#literally hust her that would be mad!!!! this is normal!!!! but i cant get my brain to understand that because like!!!#my brain developed around her! my concept of friendship and non-familial love developed around her !!! and now shes gone and i have no#concept for how im suppost to act!! i have no script anymore and im so afraid of messing it up because i dony want to be alone again!!!#hey uh also i hate 2 do this but if u read my tags pls like this post i am feeling very paranoid rn sorry.
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