#from the bottom of my heart i hope you can someday resolve whatever fucking issues you have with yourself and stop dragging people

[usahanna]

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[heauxplesslydevoted]

Hi there! We're changing things up a little this week :)

Not Yet Wed Questions

Note: Great Scott! This week, we are going back in time to MC’s intern year. Think of Ethan’s relationship with them at this point and answer the following questions accordingly. It is entirely up to you when in year 1 this takes place (pre/post Miami, pre/post CH 15, etc). Feel free to answer with dialogue or pictures or both :) Have fun!

No worries. All of this is off the record and HR will never know!

The setting for this answers is:

For Both

When I first saw them, I thought__________

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Three people at work your coworker hates?

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

(Bonus round! Feel free to skip.)

Never have I Ever:

come into work hungover

had a fistfight

been kicked out of a bar

gotten a tattoo

broken someone’s heart

been in love

For MC (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Last thing he texted you?

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

For Ethan (MC is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Last thing she texted you?

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Alright, post Book 1 but pre-Ethan fleeing to South America Ethan x Naomi coming right up! I feel like that time would have maximum tension because they’re trying to find their footing again after fucking the souls out of each other’s bodies and sending them into orbit, and lowkey falling in love sleeping together, while maintaining professionalism.

~v~

For Both:

When I first saw them, I thought__________

Naomi: I thought “thank God someone else is here!” I was in over my head with that patient, and I didn’t even notice that The Ethan Ramsey was the one assisting me until much later.

Ethan: I thought she had guts. You don’t see too many first day interns that are ready to jump into the fray like she did.

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Naomi: He says Christ and any iteration of the word damn. Dammit, goddamn, goddammit, you get the gist.

Ethan: She says fuck.

Naomi: You’ve never heard me say that.

Ethan: She says fuck a lot, especially when she’s...*Ethan trails off and catches himself before he finishes that sentence. It’s a moot point all the same because now all he can think about is the young intern in front of him, hands pulling his hair, nails raking down his back, moaning the obscenity into his ear, into his pillows. He awkwardly clears his throat* Just trust me, I’ve heard her say it. Multiple times.

*and now he’s mad at himself*

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Naomi: Blue. They’re kinda hard to miss.

Ethan: Her eyes are brown.

Three people at work your coworker hates?

Naomi: He hates everyone, except for me and Naveen.

Ethan: Except for you? You think pretty highly of yourself, Rookie.

Naomi: Am I wrong? *Ethan doesn’t deny it, instead staying silent and Naomi smirks* Exactly

Ethan: I don’t think she dislikes anyone. I’ve never met a person like her, she makes friends with everyone.

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

Naomi: He fiddles with his glasses a lot.

Ethan: She’s constantly biting her lip, especially when she’s really focused.

*she’s actually surprised that he picked up on that* Naomi: You notice that?

Ethan: I notice everything...about everything. It’s the nature of the job.

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

*they both share an awkward glance before looking away and declining to answer*

Never Have I Ever...

Come into work hungover

Ethan: When I was younger, yes. But now that I’m older, I know my limits.

Naomi: No, because I don’t get hangovers due to my magical hangover cure.

Ethan: That god-awful drink is...surprisingly effective.

*the interviewer asks Ethan to elaborate on the time Naomi gave him whatever her hangover cure is, and he adamantly refuses*

Had a fistfight

Naomi: Yes, but in my defense I was drunk.

Ethan: *snorts* How is that a defense?

Naomi: I’m the daughter of an attorney, I usually try to resolve my issues with my words. But drunk Naomi is a little feistier.

Ethan: You mean you have a level of feistiness that I’ve yet to see?

Naomi: Oh yeah. Anyway, I was in college, I was drunk at a bar, someone spilled a drink on me, and it escalated. I think I broke her nose.

Ethan: An arrest record wasn’t on your file when we hired you.

Naomi: Like I said, I’m the daughter of an attorney, and the granddaughter of a DC judge. That has its perks.

Ethan: Yes, I’ve gotten into a fist fight before. I punched Nash in the face. And before that, i fought my old med school roommate.

Naomi: Ooh, what did he do?

Ethan: That’s not a story I’d ever divulge while sober.

Been kicked out of a bar

Naomi: Yes. Circle back to the previous question.

Ethan: No, because I’m an adult.

Gotten a tattoo

Ethan: Absolutely not

Naomi: I have a tattoo of the Cancer symbol on my left hip. It’s my zodiac sign.

*this stuns Ethan into silence because he’s seen her naked on more than one occasion and been...very well acquainted with the body parts below her waist, and for the life of him cannot remember a tattoo*

Broken someone’s heart

Naomi: No. At least, I don’t think so. I’ve had my heart broken, if that counts.

Ethan: Same as Naomi. I don’t think I have.

*they make a pointed effort to not make eye contact with each other, and Naomi bites down on her lip, letting the silence hang in the air. The alternative would be informing Ethan that he has indeed broken someone’s heart, and that just won’t do.*

Been in love

Naomi: I don’t know. Maybe? I thought I was in love with my med school boyfriend, but now that time has passed, I know that wasn’t love. At least, not the good kind. And there was a near miss after him, but nothing came out of it. The emotions were a lot stronger the second time around though, and i think it’s the closest I’ve come to it this far. I’m a hopeless romantic, so I hope I find it someday.

Ethan: No. Call me a cynic, but I just don’t see love as something that’s feasible and attainable. Putting that much trust and dependency in another person is not realistic.

For Naomi (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

Naomi: I don’t know what’s left for a man like Ethan Ramsey. He’s already done so much in the field of medicine, unless he reinvents the entire wheel and turns it upside down, which I can see him doing. I can see him writing more, publishing more research, and of course winning more awards. If he wasn’t so anti-administration, he could be running this place. Or maybe he’ll start his own non-profit.

Naomi: As far as his personal life, I don’t know. You heard loud and clear that he doesn’t really believe in love. I hope one day he changes his mind or finds a companion, because underneath his extremely prickly exterior, he’s one of the best men I know and he has a heart of gold. He deserves the chance to let someone take care of it for him.

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Naomi: From afar, Ethan seems very larger than life, but I think the most impressive thing about him is his dedication to not just medicine, but his patients. I’ve never seen him not go above and beyond for someone he was treating.

Last thing he texted you?

Naomi: “Please consult Diana in HR regarding your official diagnostic team fellowship application. I know this year has been unorthodox to say the least, but there are still some steps that must be taken before the start of your second year. Thank you.”

Naomi: I’ve never received a text message that long.

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

*her cheeks heat up furiously and she pulls her bottom between her teeth before answering, her eyes bright and watery*

Naomi: Am I a total glutton for pain for saying I’d jump at the chance?

For Ethan (Naomi is not there)

Where do you see her in five years (both professionally and in her personal life?)

Ethan: Dr. Valentine has so much potential and she’s going to be one of the greats. She’s going to be running the diagnostics team if she chooses to stay at Edenbrook, and I can’t see Naveen not trying to keep her here. She’s going to win awards, have awards named after her, publish research, lead trials, whatever. I hate to sound banal and cliche, but the sky really is the limit for her. I chose her for a reason, and I plan her helping her reach all of that potential.

Ethan: As for her personal life, I don’t know. Hopefully she finds someone that’s good enough for her.

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Ethan: A-attractive? *the word comes out in a squeak, but he coughs to cover it up* Why on earth would you assume that I’m attracted to her?

*he goes on a ridiculously long tangent about how inappropriate it is to be attracted to your coworkers, especially your subordinates, and how he would never jeopardize Naomi’s career on something as trivial as attraction, and anyone with an ounce of common sense can tell that he doth protest too much*

Ethan: But if I absolutely had to pick something besides her good looks, it’d be her spirit. She’s warm and empathetic and optimistic, and I’ve never seen someone care as much as she does.

Last thing she texted you?

Ethan: “👍” I sent her a message about her upcoming fellowship and she sent back a thumbs up. Just that. I was a little annoyed.

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Ethan: As um...flattering as that might be, I would say no. I am an attending, she’s an intern, my soon to be fellow. That is crossing too many ethical lines, lines I refuse to breach.

Ethan: And I would say no because Naomi is...just a good person. And maybe I’m being biased, but I don’t know if anyone will ever be truly worthy of her. But I can say without a shadow of a doubt that she deserves so much better than me or what I could give her.

[bigskydreaming]

Like, I definitely firmly believe that someday soon I will be able to finally resolve this whole jaw issue once and for all, because like....I have to, lol, that’s literally how I get up in the morning.

But just...lmao its so weird to think about how I really have no idea how to picture my life after that point, because like....every day is a ridiculous onslaught of ridiculous that keeps me so stressed, panicked, desperate and oh yeah in pain, to the point of not being able to have a single life goal, ambition or like....future event I want to do, because its almost all about ‘must make today’s rent and food by the end of today so I can eat and sleep and oh yeah also another $800 by the end of each month so I can continue to enjoy even the possibility of this not being the state of my existence for the rest of my life.

Wow, that came out way more pity party than I intended, lmfao, because like the whole point of this post and why I started writing it was not like oh look at me, my life sucks so many balls, whine whine, a little bit of cheese, barrels of more whine. Like, believe it or not I was kinda rolling my eyes while typing out that above paragraph and literally laughing in that “look I know its not funny but I’m still laughing because fuck you that’s why” kinda way.

Bizarre as it may seem, this is actually intended as an optimistic kinda post? And like....the result of me doing deep breathing exercises and making a concerted effort to be optimistic today? Because the point is, the above has been the day to day state of my existence for almost two straight years (look, I’m not SAYING all things straight are bad, but hey if you can, be gay, do crimes). And its definitely not like my life was all sunshine and roses before that, lmfao, but at least there were breaks in the storm clouds, like...I had actually hills and valleys of suck but also wahoo! It wasn’t like........the constant annoying beep that accompanies a flatlining heart monitor, but also somehow seems to keep descending.

Like, I can handle sucky events, as long as I can find that bit of normalcy in between, and I mean, I feel like the fact that I’m still here and have at no point really entertained the thought of not still being at this point, like, it kinda lends credence to the idea that I can also handle sucky events even when I CAN’T find any bit of normalcy in between. I don’t LIKE to, because who would, lmfao, but I can, and do, and will continue to do so.

Its just.....I mean bottom line of where this whole train of thought started and was aimed at is.....its been so long since I wasn’t just preoccupied day to day with constant chronic pain and stress and an unknown future or how long this would last, as well as repeated attempts to fix things that have managed to end up just being a disappointment at every turn so far.....like....I’ve literally forgotten what it FEELS like to not wake up every day in pain and spend the whole day worrying about making enough money to still have somewhere to sleep before the day is over. LOLOLOL, like the bar is super low, I’m aware, but like....I remember that state of existence exists, and that I’ve definitely enjoyed it in the past and have every hope of doing so in the future, its just....I don’t remember how it FEELS for this not to be the only thing on my mind, 24-7.

And I’m so looking forward to that, to feeling that again, even if I can’t picture it at the moment, because like...I’m anticipating how MIND-BLOWING it’ll be, the first time I can spend a whole day just...enjoying myself. With no interruptions, no pain. And as crazy as it may sound, I’m so lucky in that I know that day is even out there? Like I know that as bad as things have gotten for me over the past two years, I can hold out hope that there is an actual end point to THIS state of existence, that it is a specific problem with a specific solution, and once I find it, so much about my life will change because I’ll be able to stand on my feet for hours at a time, go running, exercise, all things that I enjoy and use to keep myself centered, I’ll be able to take a day to just go to the movies even if its just by myself and like, have a fucking chewy pretzel without having to worry that doing so will actually be the thing that finally fractures my jaw beyond repair, lmfao.

And the thing is.....as sucky as the last two years have been.....constantly, day to day....its not like they’ve been nothing BUT suck. I may not have had a single day in the past two years where there hasn’t been at least SOME pain, SOME stress, SOME inescapable awareness of like....all the things I can’t do and the reasons why, all the things I desperately want to do but can’t afford or physically am incapable of, but none of that means that through all this time I haven’t also had tons of good moments to carry me through.

Because I have. And I’m so thankful for them. Even if they seem miniscule to other people in comparison, they mean everything to me, because any moment that takes my mind off all the things that are wrong or that suck and just lets me laugh and MEAN it, be truly entertained, any moment where I’m more preoccupied with being inspired by an idea or something someone said or something I’m picturing, any moment where I’m just smacked in the face with the undeniable truth that I have some of the best friends on the planet and who love me unconditionally and are here for me even if its just to bombard me with cute animal pictures at 2 am so I go to bed with a smile on my face instead of focused on the pain...and the flip side of that, any moment where I’m able to feel good that I was able to provide one of my friends with that good moment for themselves, to make THEM laugh or be inspired or take their mind off their pain or troubles, like.....

Those good moments still exist, no matter what else exists or in what quantities. They still count. They still add up. And the point isn’t even about them needing to add up to some specific tally or quota or otherwise they don’t mean anything, or don’t mean enough....because each good moment exists purely on its own, for itself. There’s no POINT to them, they’re not FOR any specific purpose or outcome. They just exist. They simply are. And that’s all they need, in order to matter.

Because I firmly believe, and honestly always have, that ultimately, life is just about the good moments. They’re the things we focus on when times are hardest, they’re the things that spring to mind when we try and think of reasons to keep going. Because I mean...there ISN’T a specific tally of how many good moments you need to reach before life is worth living, before there’s a reason to be alive. Because each good moment is enough, all on its own. Each good moment, no matter how small it is in anyone else’s eyes, IS the reason to be alive. The whole reason. The only one anyone needs. Because the only way you get those good moments, those small snapshots that are for whatever reason, just wholly, undeniably GOOD and WORTH IT.....is by being alive. That’s the only way you ever get to have any more of them. 

Like yeah, 90% of 99% of the days over the past two years might have epicly sucked for the most part, especially if we’re focusing on percentages, defining each day’s ‘success’ by whether or not I spent more of the day miserable or more of it enjoying myself...but when you say screw the percentages, the quotas the tallies....when you look just at the good moments, specifically, let each one of them matter by themselves and be worthwhile, worth EVERYTHING just in and of itself....

The whole picture changes. Because that one conversation I had with my friend Moukie on a day where I just laughed myself breathless at something he said.....that good moment wouldn’t exist if I threw in the towel before I got to it. That one story I loved and just blew me away with how perfectly it encapsulated everything I wanted from certain characters but that I would never have dreamed up myself, but that I kept thinking about days, even weeks after I read it.....that’s a story I wouldn’t have read if I only let the fact that it’d been seven months of chronic pain at that point, like, be the only thing that mattered. Instead of how just that one story made me feel, for however long I felt it. That one conversation, that one episode, that one post or tweet or daydream or whatever.

Anyway. I wasn’t intending to get all sappy or life coach woowoo or whatever, more just thinking out loud or in text, as I’m wont to do, and I use it to put my complaints to paper often enough I might as well use it to put the non-complaints to paper too, lmao.

But I mean. Yeah. Its the good moments that really matter, if you ask me. They’re what any of us are here for any way, no matter what form they take or how much space there is between them, but like....idk, I think we could all benefit from being reminded from time to time that they all count. They all matter. They’re the POINT. At least if you ask me, because if we’re not here to enjoy good moments in whatever shape or quantity we get to enjoy them, like, what other reason IS there, to spend however many years on this earth as we end up getting? 

*Shrugs* So yeah. That’s it. That’s the point. Enjoy the good moments, and don’t forget to keep them somewhere you can queue them up when you need a reminder that they exist, they’re out there, you’ve had them before and no matter how long it takes, you’ll have them again. They’re what carry us through however much suck we have to wade through before we chance upon the next one, and the one after that and the one after that. And the more we carry with us, keep with us, THAT’S when the percentages start to matter, if by the end of it all we can say no matter what the actual quantities of good vs suck, or what shapes or sizes that good and that suck took....its the good moments that mattered most. Stuck with us most. Defined us most.

Anyway, that’s where my thoughts took me just now and it helped so maybe it’ll help someone else too, and if not. More verbal diarrhea, business as usual. Same place, same Batchannel. Tune in tomorrow, I’ll probably be bitching about Tim. Or hey, maybe I’ll surprise myself. Who knows?

[kreenicles-blog]

Unpacking the trash.

I’m trying to figure out how to resolve some of the issues I wrote about yesterday. Not the falling in love with every boy i meet part. I’ve decided it’s okay to fall in love all the time, so many people are afraid to let themselves feel anything these days that i feel almost unique to be able to openly express feelings that aren’t just resentful and angry. I know i’m not special, I know people feel the same way I do. I guess what I’m saying is that’s okay to let your heart be broken, as long as you allow it to be healed again. 

I was thinking about my dad. I was wondering why it’s so easy for me to forgive people who have physically and mentally broken me, why I can just accept that they’re people and people have wounds that haven’t been addressed. I guess i haven’t really been able to understand people who use resounding silence and absence as a coping mechanism. I know it’s a byproduct of fear, but i just want to understand what they’re afraid of and i’m not able to do that if it’s shrouded behind a hard impenetrable emotional wall. I wonder if he was afraid of being disappointing as a father and just did’t even try to because he was afraid of inevitable failure. 

I know that’s something I do. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s ingrained into my personality. Fear. Afraid of not being good enough so you don’t even attempt it in the first place. I’ve done this my whole life, I do it about almost everything. I have to battle that shitty little voice in my head that’s telling me I’m not deserving of success in any compacity. I don’t want to be that way, I fight so hard not to be. I don’t always win but at least I try. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time with my dad. Because I know how hard it is to fight that voice. I’ve noticed he runs away a lot. He pretends that he’s creating emotional boundaries, that he wont be spoken to or treated in a certain way. But i know what he’s doing. He’s self soothing. He probably tells himself that he’s not good enough a lot. That he deserves loneliness and solitude. Or maybe he likes it? I don’t think he does. He seems supremely unhappy. Maybe I’m so mad at him because I want to help him. I want to help everyone. I need to fucking help myself. 

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m sitting here with a laptop and my furiously moving fingers frantically typing up strings of conscious thought to cope. I’m running away. To help myself. Does it help? Would it help him to release the blackness in his mind and observe it? Does it help me? Do I feel a sense of relief when it’s glaring back at me on a lit screen? I guess after reading it back it kind of does make it a little more real. Instead of a hamster wheel of jumbled anxiety floating around in my head without any way of organizing it. It’s like I hoard thoughts. They pile up in my mind, I keep them. Even if they’re rotten and old. Even if they’re seemingly insignificant. They form into towers in my heads home. Piling higher on foundations built strong. Maybe those foundations have valuable thoughts in them. I don’t remember if they do or not because I've built a sky scraper of trash on top of them and i can’t even see what they are anymore, i can’t see what’s holding all this useless shit up. So maybe that’s what this is. A hoarder looking out onto her home. Sifting through trash, wondering whether or not to keep it. A place to start. An overwhelming feeling of “how did i let it get this bad?” and “how do i fix it?” or maybe even “where do i start?”. 

I want to be able to move through my mind without having to climb over the piles of shit. But like the hoarder I have to throw it away. I have to put it hours, days, weeks, maybe even years of work to let go. It’s scary. It’s fear. It’s useless fucking fear. So maybe that’s what he has. But maybe it’s gotten so bad that he’d rather just live with it that begin to throw his trash away. When I think about it that way the anger i have towards him dissolves into a sort of sadness. I mean, i’m 31 years old and what’s done is done. I’m sure that’s how he feels about it. We’re already so far apart, and the trash in our mind has built so high that it’d take a massive amount of strength and time to even be able to see each other again. Like really see each other. I have to accept the fact that sometimes people give up. I wont, however accept me giving up. But I can’t be angry with the people who don’t want to fight. It isn’t my responsibility or burden to carry their hurt with me and sadly i think that’s what i’ve been doing with my dad. 

It’s okay for me not to take everything fucking personally. I think that’s the biggest take away I’m getting from all of this. That it isn’t always personal. I know that sometimes when I neglect someone it’s not directly related to me wanting to cause anyone pain. I think most people are that way. I think we all just get so wrapped up in the trash pile of our own minds. I just hold on to those little micro-aggressions and let that anxious energy leak out into my reality. I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. It doesn’t have to be my reality, I am perfectly capable of fighting that fear and moving forward as the confident and self loving woman I know that I am at my core. 

Okay it’s time. It’s time to stop putting other peoples perspectives and reality’s in my own and head and to just live mine. To be understanding. To understand that we’re all just people trying to navigate the human experience. It’s beautiful, and ugly, and painful and fulfilling and it wouldn’t be human if there wasn’t any hurt. But i do deserve not to make it any harder on myself by causing myself pain with my own made up perspectives. Perspectives I haven’t even confirmed for myself. It’s not that easy. To just make up an idea about what someone thinks about you and that’s what it is. There’s so much more complexity to it. 

I’m going forgive him. I will. I want to. Before I didn’t but I want to now. I think it’ll be the first pile of trash I have to sift through to be able to see what’s at the bottom. I hope it’s a little bit of self worth. I hope it’s a little bit more trust in men. Not even men, just love. Whatever kind of love that may be. I hope it’s understanding that sometimes people let you down and it’s okay. I hope it’s understanding that just because someone leaves you it isn’t your fault. That there isn’t anything you could have done to keep them. That you don’t have to compromise who you are in order not to lose them. I hope it’s the understanding that even if people abandon you that you’re not alone. That there are other people still standing on the sidelines holding you up. Those people are probably upset that you’re so fixated on something that hurts you so much. They watch you fret over not being loved and they’re there loving you. I hope that there’s self love that will hold me high like a tower, so that when people leave I wont even feel that pain as deeply because I wasn’t using their love to replace the lack of love I have for myself. I think I deserve that. I think we all do. 

I’ll forgive you someday, Christian. I promise I will. And I’ll love you even if you’re scared.