#from growing up in a bigoted household to being an out genderfluid lesbian

[grimmgrinningghouls]

There is an experience I have been thinking a lot about. When I was like, 12 or 13 I began getting super dysphoric. I think I always had some form of gender dysphoria, but I had kept it in the back of my mind. I was never taught anything about different genders or anything queer, I had to figure it all out on my own with zero guidance other then my father dropping slurs occasionally.

When I was 12 I was introduced to lgbtq+ stuff for the first time, through the internet actually. It's silly but Yuri was literally the first introduction I had into being queer. From that point, I began doing my own research and forming my own opinions on things.

When I found out what being trans was is when all that dysphoria set in. A lot of my experiences lined up with a lot of trans mens, I never felt comfortable in my own body, I never felt comfortable being a girl, and I didn't know what to think or feel. I was so very confused and I had absolutely no one to help me, I didn't know what to do, so I made the mistake of going to my mother.

I told her I thought I might be trans and her reaction was downright awful. I will never forget how she reacted. She went into my room and began ripping many of my posters, toys, and displays apart yelling that if I wanted to be a man so badly then I had to get rid of anything a girl would have. I was very much a tomboy so most of my stuff was 'boy toys' anyways, but that didn't stop her from throwing away all my horses, books, and art supplies since "men don't use those things!" which is just bullshit.

She grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the bathroom before grabbing my dad's razor and told me that if I was a man I had to cut all my hair off. I was crying so hard I threw up, at the time I liked having my long hair. I later got rid of my long hair so get fucked Mom but anyways. She told me she had trans friends (She didn't, she was transphobic) that would be offended if she told them what I did. Trans people, would you be offended at a 12-year-old with gender dysphoria asking their parent for guidance? Because I haven't met a single trans person who would find that offensive.

That whole experience basically scared me into ignoring any gender dysphoria I felt, which trust me, I felt a lot of it. I ignored it because I was scared of what would happen if I explored my gender again, I was scared of offending people and making them mad at me. When I realized I was a lesbian it kinda helped, since I was able to excuse a lot of the dysphoria I felt as being "Oh, I'm just butch" which I'm not.

I'm 22 now, I'm living far, far away from my parents. I'm in a safe space surrounded by loving and open queer people, and it took me a long time, but I finally began exploring my gender again. I'm genderfluid, and I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin. I finally feel like I know who I am and who I want to be. I like being both a girl and a boy, I like going by both she/her and he/him, it makes me feel so unbelievably happy that all my friends use both pronouns now.

To think, when I was 12, if I had the support I have now I would've been saved from so many years of dysphoria, confusion, and self-hatred.