#from childhood because they simply grew up in the same isolated and small village

[interactivefictionramblings]

[Spoilers for And The Haze Will Take Us.]

Honestly, I find I like how Lada is handled as an unreliable narrator. The story starts off with her presenting herself to others as uncaring about what people think of her, but her thoughts and emotions conflict with this at times, and then it’s revealed that she was just trying not to feel worthless, by emotionally detaching herself. In the same way, the story starts with her framing Dragan and her relationship with him in a way that’s completely different to the reality, partly because she misunderstands it herself, and we (can) learn the truth only via specific 💎 scenes—which means you can easily simply read the story from Lada’s current POV, which changes so much actually. It’s interesting (if frustrating) how the story unravels who Lada is and how her POV is flawed, by presenting one ‘truth’ to us at the start, only to pull the carpet out from under us later by showing us that wasn’t true.

It makes me ponder the framing of the gods, the Haze, and the back-and-forth of if they live.

[imalwaystiredzzz]

Ｃ3： Ｔｏ Ｓｉｎｇ ｔｈｅ ｓａｍｅ ｏｌｄ ｈｙｍｎ

WARNING:  explicit not SFW, Sexual content, yandere themes, unhealthy relationships, noncon, blood, gore

< To sing the same old hymn chapters >

"This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper." - T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men

Sukuna stumbles upon a village of lowly farmers, he finds it amusing that they begged and would offer him even their beloved daughters in exchange for their lives. He remembers the shrine and the devout maiden.

This time the curse plays god, he lets them live in exchange for a temple fit for a king and a sacrificial maiden every summer and winter. He imagines them crumbling in despair in a year or two, slowly succumbing to the madness of having all this blood in their hands but the lowly village thrives.

In the third life, (y/n) was born in a rich village who worshipped a god that descended from heaven and resided in the temple at the mountain. In exchange for safety and prosperity, the village would offer him a maiden and keep the temple clean.

These sacrifices were bred from the noble family of (l/n), the girls from a young age groomed to be the idea of a perfect woman fitting to be offered to a god. There was no love for the god that your family honored, but fear that resides in your heart. Deep in your bone, you know this is a lie, your sisters were not taken to the heavens by god.

The cicadas sing in summer, as you wear a red Furisode , the flowers blooming in the sleeves like a garden. Your mother thinks red is your color, you don't tell her you prefer the color of the sakura. Your older brothers giggle and talk of how lucky you are to see god, they were picked for birthing the next generation. All eyes are turned to you as the festival for your coming of age began.

Everyone asks what you may wish for and it will be given today, you simply smile and continue to eat small treats, it feels too much like the final supper. You couldn't stomach any food.

When evening came, you were garbed in the finest of fabric you've only seen your cousins, aunts and an older sister wear. It extremely resembled that of a Miko's attire, you hope to bring something to remind of home but tradition doesn't allow it and yet underneath the layers of cloth, you hold a temari ball. The small sounds it makes when the pavilion jolts bring comfort from the fear that's making the tips of your finger shake.

Imagine his surprise when he sees you again in the flesh. Sukuna believes in reincarnation as much as he believes in the existence of gods. Garbed in beautiful robes, the (h/c) woman prostates herself before him. He's amused, here you were offered like a lamb once more.

Sukuna thinks that if gods other than him did exist they must be extremely cruel to curse your soul for a sin he had made. So this time, because he was your god he would grace you with a different torment.

So he doesn't kill you, the curse keeps you isolated in the huge temple. There was the blind errand boy to give you supplies and clean the place once a month, yet he avoids even your shadow lest he wants to incur the wrath of a god.

You feel like you were forgetting how words worked as you haven't talked to a soul since a month of coming here.

It makes you stir crazy and childhood nightmares were resurfacing, waking in the middle of the night wide eyed. You were unsure if it was the same monster or your mind was replacing it with the four limbed god. In the middle of the night, when the marked god wasn't back you would go out and play with the temari ball. It reminds you of home, the bells bring comfort.

Your god, comes and goes on a whim but never stays too long. Sukuna simply checks how you were, with the bonus of hearing your gasp and cries as he takes you to bed - he never did get the pleasure of hearing those pretty lips wail in your first life.

But it wasn't enough. It was never enough.

He get's bored, sometime he contemplates how he'll kill or torture you on the way back to the temple but remembers how you died at his hand the last time. He has yet to meet an interesting toy, the way you interest him.

The cicadas were singing as the heat season ended, the nights were becoming colder and longer. He hears bells, and wonders to it like a moth to a lamp only to stumble upon the (h/c) girl playing in the empty lot, her (e/c) brimming with life and nostalgia.

He slowly frequents the shrine now, from the monthly visits he makes a point to show up at least twice. Sukuna enjoys how you prostrate yourself when he comes, those pretty eyes becoming duller following his form as he goes out the room, the slight hints of clinging. He likes that.

The curse endulge the idea of having you follow him like a god, to sing those hymns and praises in his name, for you to devote yourself to him like he was your world.

Sukuna was selfish and he only knows how to take and take and take.

The snow falls outside the shrine, the sound of footsteps and ring of bells from the familiar pavilion, Sukuna waits for the next sacrifice with you by his side pouring sake. You'd rather be here than alone.

A girl prostrates herself before the god, wearing the same clothes you once don. You'd rather be by his side than alone.

He tears her limb from limb, she cries for help, an arm reaching out to you before being torn and eaten. The floor is red with the same blood that flows in your veins, the devil enjoys his meal.

You'd rather be with the devil than the ringing silence that makes you mad.

He tears your clothes and has his way with your body, next to the mutilated body of your little sister. Tears gathering in the corner of your eye at the unprepared penetration, you wonder how you'll get the blood out of your hair.

The devil likes this too. He keeps you like how one keeps a trained pet.

He stays in the temple a bit longer now, Sukuna boasts about his carnage while drinking sake that you pour for him. You have no stories to tell, and he's not interested. Sometimes he forgets about the first life, sometimes it bothers him.

He tests the water and asks about past lives, but all you can tell him is that you dream of a four armed god, omitting that these weren't just dreams but a nightmare that had his face as the monster. Sukuna was sure that those dreams are memories of the first.

He likes that too. He must have left an imprint on your soul, wouldn't that brand you as his?

More seasons come and go, you count the year by counting the death of your kin but nothing changes.

There was only you, the big empty temple and the four armed god that you worship. You slowly forgot what the outside looks like, but that didn't matter all that mattered was god favors you and keeps you by his side. You cling to him, the way he wants you to. Your now pale hands can't feel anything and the nightmares never stop.

You grew on him, quite like how an owner grows to favor a pet dog.

(Y/n) lasts 7 years before falling sick.

The cicadas sing as you lay on the futon sweating and breathing heavily, you stare at the window the sun is gone. You hear a familiar bell, Sukuna places the temari ball beside your bed, he leaves you to suffer a slow painful death of starvation and sickness.

Sukuna has no use for a sick pet.

He feels a tinge of regret but doesn't linger on it.

He burns the village before the sun rises.

*Furisode : is a ceremonial clothes in Japan for coming of age, coming of age is when a girl begins her menstruation

*Mikos : are shrine maidens, they wear a white top that looks like a yukata and a red hakama. >For visuals in the movie "Your Name," Mitsuha wears these clothes when she was dancing.

*Temari balls are hand balls made by parents and given to children on new year. It can have decorations like bells and contain a parent's wish inside. >The temari ball that you received from mother contains a wish that you die at a young age or swiftly when you're offered.

*Mother, father and the whole village knows what happens to the girls, but she can't say anything coz she's the matron of the family. Sacrifice children are left in religious ignorance.

*Your family often gives birth to females (that's why they were chosen) and the males are required to have many many children since sacrifices take 2 kids a year. That's taking into account you have many uncles and aunts.

[moon-in-daylight]

K’un-Lun’s protector / Davos x reader

Summary: When Danny leaves K’un-Lun, Davos decides to follow him to try and bring him back. Unlike your brother, Davos can’t leave without saying goodbye.

Words: 3.9k

A/N: As promised, I wrote something for Davos again. This took me so long to write because I’ve been surprisingly busy this week and I’ve also rewritten some parts like a hundred times because I couldn’t get them the way I wanted. Anyway, here’s my little contribution to increase the number of Davos’ fics 😂

After closing your eyes, you filled your lungs with air, recalling the events that had brought you to your current situation.

It had all been Danny’s fault, as usual. But you tried to suppress your feelings of anger and resentment like you had been taught to do, knowing that they would only blind your better judgement and prevent you from making the right decision.

His departure of K’un-Lun had set you in the eye of the hurricane.

Being the sister of the disappeared Iron Fist for some reason made everyone believe you knew where he had fled or at least why he had decided to abandon his duty to guard the pass. Far from having a clue, you were probably the most confused person in the whole monastery.

Well, actually, your gut may have known where he could have went… But you weren't sure if you should take that idea seriously as it appeared to be pure nonsense to you.

There was nothing left for any of you two outside of K’un-Lun. Not after the plane crash that had killed both of your parents and changed your lives forever. There was no home to return to, no one from your past who would still be waiting for you as they all had probably buried you both long time ago.

It would be stupid to return home after all those years, but then again stupidity seemed to be second nature to your brother.

You still struggled to understand how he could have not only abandoned the ones who had raised you, but also taken with him their most valuable tradition. He had sworn to protect these people but had left them to their luck as soon as he had gotten bored of fulfilling his duty.

Typical of him.

It was the same when you two were growing up, long before arriving the monastery. Being the eldest, he wouldn’t let you play with whatever new toy your parents had gifted you for the first days after receiving it, but as soon as he got disinterested, he would toss it aside and from that moment it'd be all yours.

You should have figured that wouldn’t have changed, that he hadn’t matured at all. The only difference now was that you weren’t talking about dispensable toys anymore, but the responsibility of taking care of human lives.

Luckily, you had also been trained to be the Iron Fist, even though for personal reasons you had finally decided not to compete for the right to face Shou-Lao, the dragon.

You had been the first woman to ever be trained to become the immortal Iron Fist, all thanks to the prophecy that K’un-Lun’s greatest warrior would fall from the sky and save them. But not every monk in the monastery seemed pleased with the idea of training you equally to the rest. It would break a centuries long tradition to have a woman fighting for the right to become the pass’ guardian. But since the omen didn’t specify the gender of K’un-Lun’s savior, doubt aroused that either you or your brother could be the ones to fulfill the prophecy. Not wanting to take unnecessary risks, they had finally decided to train you in the art of Kung Fu too.

If all that hard training and gained combat experience supposedly made you worthy of the fist, you hoped it would also make you skillful enough to protect the pass without it too. To take your brother’s place.

Deep down you suspected that you probably wouldn’t be powerful enough to protect K’un-Lun, but you hoped you wouldn’t have to do it on your own, that Davos could help you defend the monastery.

Thinking of him made you take a deeper breathe in an effort not to let your train of thoughts wander off during your meditation session.

Maybe you had been too quick to assume that you two would be guarding the pass together, that they would let you anywhere near each other even if it was for the sake of protecting themselves.

It had been years since ‘the incident’, but you were positive no one had forgot about it. You certainly hadn’t.

Even now, your memories of those times were bittersweet.

During your first months at the monastery, you had been terrified of everything and everyone, as your younger self found herself unable to keep up with the harsh discipline and cruel punishments that the monks used on their most unruly pupils. Pupils such as you. After spending just a few days under the monks’ care, you decided you needed to leave that place.

K'un-Lun hid itself in the middle of the Himalaya and, with the pass being closed for the moment, there was no possible escaping for a child like you, no matter how hard you tried. But on your desperation to free yourself, you were rather quick to find a hiding spot near the village, behind some of the trees that surrounded the lake.

It was a small hideout in the middle of nature. Peaceful and quiet. And you could do whatever you wanted there. No rules nor schedules to follow. No imposed training sessions. It was perfect.

Sometimes, you spent literal days in your little paradise and only ever returned to the monastery when you feared that the growls that your empty stomach produced would reveal your location to any wandering soul or when your body got so cold that you were at the verge of hypothermia.

You obviously had to face rough, physical consequences whenever you crawled back to the monastery, starving and freezing from spending several nights outdoors, but you still thought it to be worth it. Even after going through some of the most cruel and severe punishments, you always went back to your little hiding spot every once in a while, happy to take a break from the harsh way of life you had been forced to follow.

When Davos had found you hiding behind some strategically placed branches one time he was collecting water from the lake, you had thought your days of running away from the monastery would be over forever.

Davos was more of a friend of your brother than yours back then, and you believed him to be nothing but an obedient pet of the monks since his principal goal in life was to become the immortal Iron Fist. You were more than pleasantly surprised when he not only decided not to snitch your secret spot location to his parents, but also offered to bring you some food while you decided to stay there and give you some company.

Soon, as you got closer to Davos and grew more accustomed to the rules of the monastery, you found your need to run away fading slowly, finally feeling that K’un-Lun could be your new home. It wasn’t such a bad place when you obeyed orders and attended the training sessions. Plus, you weren't alone. You had both your brother and Davos by your side, and the three of you became inseparable.

After spending your childhood together and with the blossoming of your teenage years, you found yourself spending more and more time alone with Davos, pushing Danny to the background. Your innocent friendship slowly shaped itself into something different with deep, long conversations and furtive escapes to your hiding spot that could last hours. You weren’t sure what it was that made you feel so attached to Davos, but you enjoyed the buzzy feeling that appeared in your stomach whenever he was around.

The moment he admitted to feel something similar for you, the two of you started seeing each other behind his father’s and the other monk’s backs.

You were both young and innocent, and mainly spent most of your time holding hands while hiding from everyone else at the monastery. It was entertaining to keep that little secret away from the rest of the world’s eyes, but as much fun as you had running through the corridors and concealing together at your secret spot beside the lake, sometimes you wished you could have a normal dating experience for someone your age.

In an attempt to normalize your situation and after spending several months together, you decided to tell Danny about your relationship. Naively, you thought that he would be happy for you, that he would support you. Far from it, his first reaction was to demand you that you broke up with Davos and when you obviously refused to do so, he reminded you of the consequences that being romantically involved with him would take if someone found out.

You knew what would happened if the monks were to discover what was going on between you and the son of Lei Kung. You had been thought that any of K’un-Lun’s pupils that aspired to be the Iron Fist needed to remain above all others, without friends and without sentimental partners. The punishments you had received as a child for trying to escape the monastery wouldn’t even begin to compare to what they would do to you for simply being found spending time alone with Davos in his room.

Even knowing that, the feelings you had developed were too strong, and the last thing you wanted was to distance yourself from him. All you needed to do was remain hidden from everyone’s sight. You had to be discrete, and then everything would be alright.

Years of practice at hiding away made the task a lot easier for you. You never even aroused the slightest suspicion and would have probably gotten away with never being discovered had Danny not given away to the monks the location of your little hiding spot while you and Davos were sharing some awkwardly sweet first kisses there.

Both you and Davos were kept isolated in opposite sides of the monastery for weeks after that, and rarely were allowed to be in the same room again.

You had never really forgiven your brother for betraying you like that, nor understood his real reasons. Was he jealous that you were spending less time with him? Wasn’t he glad that you had finally found some happiness in that place? Did he denounced you so he could get you both and Davos out of his way to become the Iron Fist?

You didn’t know and you actually didn’t care. Whatever his reasons, he was aware of the pain he was causing you, and he had chosen to give you away either way. Your trust in him had been sheered to pieces, never to be recovered.

You tried to do everything for him not to become the Iron Fist, getting yourself out of the competition in favor of Davos, who even though you weren’t allowed to talk to, you were supposed to fight against. He was a way more devoted and powerful warrior than you ever were, and you hoped he would gain the right to face Shou-Lao, both because he would be having his dream come true and because he would be stopping Danny.

When your brother used a dirty trick to win the combat, you immediately could foresee the dark ages in which K’un-Lun was about to dive itself in.

And time had only proven you right now that the Iron Fist was gone and the pass unguarded.

As you opened your eyes again and took the room back in, you realized there had been some knocking on your door for a few seconds now. Not wanting to be interrupted, you tried to isolate the noise and focus back on meditating, but couldn’t when you heard your name shyly being called out from the other side of the door by a familiar voice.

Opening the door and finding Davos at the other side of it almost convinced you that you had somehow summoned him.

It was the first time in years that he knocked on your door, that you were this close to him. After being separated, you had only seen him in certain occasions, the last one when he fought against Danny. You remembered how badly hurt he was after that, and how bad you had wanted to help him up of the floor, to take care of him and help him clean his wounds. You didn’t because the monks wouldn’t have let you, as they wouldn’t have allowed him to be on your front door now.

He hardly ever disobeyed his shifu’s orders, and had never tried to talk to you again after being discovered, so you immediately supposed he wasn’t there just to check on you.

You silently took in his appearance, your eyes carefully examining him from up close. He had changed, grown up. At plain sight, he seemed different, more matured, stronger. But looking at those big brown eyes of his, it was clear to you that he was still the gentle boy that used to take care of you when you were younger.

For so many time, you had longed to be this close to him again, to be able to tell him how much you had missed him and how bad you still wanted him back. But you couldn’t find the proper words to express that feeling now, with your mouth ajar in surprise and your mind struggling to think coherently.

It had been years since you had actually had a conversation, maybe it was too late now. He would have probably moved on long ago, forgotten about you and focused on his goal to become the protector of K’un-Lun. Maybe there was no point in telling him that you still loved him despite all the time apart.

“I’m leaving K’un-Lun.” Davos muttered, breaking the silence and dragging you out of the trance you had been induced in by his presence.

Him abandoning K’un-Lun didn’t seem like the brightest idea to you now. Your home’s barriers had been weakened enough by the absence of the Iron Fist, losing another one of the monastery’s best warriors would only put you in an even greater state of disadvantage, if that was even possible.

With most important matters to discuss, it seemed like any personal chatter you ought to have would need to wait.

“What?” You frowned in confusion. “You can’t leave now. Someone needs to guard the pass.”

“That’s why we need the Iron Fist.” He clarified. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m going to bring Danny back and make everything right. Even if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do... I just-”

You both remained silent for a moment, your gaze fixed on his. He talked confidently, but you could see in his eyes that he was wounded. Losing the Iron Fist to Danny, having his destiny ripped away from him, had taken a toll on him. He felt humiliated, robbed. He had lost his birthright to a person that had proved himself unworthy of it and had been relegated to the background of his own life, almost like a secondary character.

You could understand why he was angry, you would have been too. But it amazed you how despite of it all he still fought for the people that had chosen Danny over him.

“I wanted to say goodbye.” He finally finished the sentence.

His farewell sounded like a final goodbye to you. Even though he insisted that he would be back with the Iron Fist, you could read between lines that he was afraid of never returning home, of failing his mission and proofing himself to be a disgrace.

“We don’t need Danny.” You were quick to affirm, the thought of him leaving you alone in K’un-Lun momentarily bringing you back that feeling of despair you got the first time you arrived that place.

You had only been able to learn to survive in K’un-Lun because you had always had Davos there, by your side. Even when you couldn’t see each other, knowing that he was close was all you needed to keep going. If he went away, there would be absolutely nothing attaching you to that monastery anymore.

“We could guard the pass together.”

“No.” His refusal broke your heart. “Not without the Iron Fist. We wouldn’t stand a chance if the Hand attacked…”

“You should have been the Iron Fist.” You told him sincerely.

He looked away from you, as if he couldn’t stand the thought of his failure.

“Danny won.” He whispered, as if he was trying to convince himself of it.

“Danny cheated.” You reached for his hand in an attempt of showing him your support. He closed his eyes as you lovingly interlocked your fingers with his, like you used to do back in the day. “You are the one that is here, fighting for these people, taking responsibility. And you don’t even need the power of the dragon. You are the true protector of K’un-Lun, no matter what anyone says.”

“To protect K’un-Lun we need the fist.” His voice was soft as his spoke, your words having moved something inside him. But simple words didn’t seem to be enough, as he still insisted on going away.

You could notice that his gaze switched constantly between your interlocked hands and your eyes. He didn’t seem uncomfortable by your touch, like you had feared he would. He rather seemed to be leaning into it as your thumb gently brushed the side of his hand.

“There’s no way I can make you stay here with me, is there?” You bitterly sighed, your eyes examining some of the scars and unhealed wounds on his knuckles.

“I must do this.”

By the tone in which he spoke, you could tell that he really didn’t want to bring Danny back. You didn’t want him to either, knowing that your life in K’un-Lun would have been easier with your brother out of the picture. Davos would have gotten the fist, the monastery’s residents would have been properly protected and, maybe, you could have been together.

It was a natural reaction to feel resentment against Danny, but Davos still forced himself to suppress those feelings.

Once again he was forcing himself to live up to his parents expectations, to do the righteous and heroic thing for the sake of K’un-Lun’s well-being. You almost wished he could detach himself from that place and its people. That you could convince him to run away and live a happier, simpler life anywhere else... But nothing was ever simple for the two of you, and you were more that accustomed to that.

Yet, as long as you could finally be by his side, you didn’t care how complicated things could get. And if he felt the need or the obligation to bring Danny back so that the pass wouldn’t be unguarded, you were going to support him in his decision and do everything in your power to help him.

“You don’t need to do it alone though.” You suggested, an idea quickly developing inside your mind. “I could go with you, if you want to.”

“It’s not safe-“ He immediately tried to talk you out of it. You could see in his expression the growing concern at the simple idea of putting you in any situation of danger.

“I know the outside world way better than you do.” His eyes laid on your face as you spoke, worry all over his face. “I could be of good use out there.”

“It will be dangerous.” Davos shook his head in disapproval as the most protective side of him refused to put you in the front line. “You could get hurt, or killed.”

“So could you.” You pointed out, also worried about him. He ran his tongue through his lips as he listened to you, considered your words. “You know I can be helpful, and you could use some backup...”

Placing your free hand on the side of his face, you saw Davos squirm slightly at your touch, closing his eyes. For a second you feared he would pull away from you, reject you. But he didn’t. Trying to break the uncomfortable silence that had took over the room, you added,

“Plus, if someone is going to go out there to kick my brother’s ass all the way back to K’un-Lun, it should be me.”

The fact that Davos smirked at your words made you relax slightly. You didn’t remember when it had been the last time you had seen him smile, but your heart immediately warmed at the sight and you couldn’t prevent your own lips from curling into another smile too.

“It would be me and you, like when we were children.” You tried to convince him to let you go with him. He still seemed hesitant.

“What will Lei Kung think when he finds out we’re both missing? He’ll think we-” Davos referred to his father, concern taking over his tone once more. Cutting him mid-sentence, you let go of his hand to cup his face between both of your palms.

“I don’t care what your father thinks, and neither should you.” With your thumbs caressing the growing stubble in his cheeks and your eyes set on his, you stated. “You don’t owe them any explanations, especially when you’re still trying to protect this place after everything it’s done to you…”

Your eyes shifted across his face, observing the way he clenched his jaw and how he avoided looking at you. It was painful to think that he could and probably would dismiss your proposal of accompanying him and just leave you there, all on your own.

Deep down you knew that, by leaving you there, he would only be trying to protect you, like he used to do when he stole food from the monastery so you wouldn’t starve while you hid from everyone else. But your anxious mind couldn’t help but think that maybe he didn't want you around anymore, that you were putting him in an uncomfortable position and that all his stalling of giving you a final answer was because he simply didn’t know how to tell you he just didn’t want you to go with him.

Your chest physically ached at the thought of being abandoned by the only person you still trusted.

“I’ve missed you so much...” You confessed, your eyes getting wet with tears as you broke all physical contact with him. You lowered your stare, not being able to bare the weight of his eyes as they looked at you with growing concern. “And I don’t want to lose you again. It’s been a long time, and I understand if you don’t feel the same anymore. I don’t want to force you into taking me with you if you really don’t want me by your side, but-“

Before you could finish what you were saying, Davos lent towards you and placed a soft, chaste kiss on your lips. It took you a moment to react, to hush your insecurities and twitch your own lips against his, kissing him back. For a moment, you felt like a teenager all over again, your heart racing the same way it used to do whenever you kissed back then, curled up against each other in your little hideout.

Now there was no hiding, no secrets. It was just you and him, like you had always wanted to.

You instantly missed his warmth when he pulled away, wishing you could have stayed in that moment for the rest of your life. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you looked at him with pleading eyes, silently hoping that hadn’t been a goodbye kiss.

“Meet me by the lake at midnight. We’re leaving tonight.”

[ibilenews]

Ultra-Orthodox and trans: 'I prayed to God to make me a girl'

When Abby Stein came out as trans, she sent shock waves through the ultra-Orthodox Hasidic community. A direct descendant of Hasidic Judaism's founder, The Baal Shem Tov, Abby's parents considered her their first-born son and a future rabbi - but she was adamant that she was a girl.

My dad is a rabbi, and having a son was a big deal. He would always tell me that after five girls he had almost given up on having a boy, and how much it meant to him. I almost felt bad for him throughout my childhood - a feeling of: "I'm so sorry, but I can't give you what you want."

I didn't know there were other people like me, but I knew what I felt - I just saw myself as a girl.

I sometimes wish that I'd had a teacher who was transphobic, because that would have meant I knew trans people existed. In the Hasidic community they simply never spoke about it.

What kept me sane during my childhood was my imagination.

When I was six I started collecting newspaper clippings about organ transplants - lung, kidney, heart and so on. In my mind, the plan was simple: one day, I would go to a doctor, show them my impressive collection of newspaper clippings, and they would perform a full body transplant, turning me into a girl.

When I got a bit older, I realised that wasn't realistic, so I came up with my next idea, which was to ask God. I grew up in a very religious family, and we were told God could do anything.

So, aged nine, I wrote this prayer that I said every night: "Holy creator, I'm going to sleep now and I look like a boy. I am begging you, when I wake up in the morning I want to be a girl. I know that you can do anything and nothing is too hard for you...

"If you do that, I promise that I will be a good girl. I will dress in the most modest clothes. I will keep all the commandments girls have to keep.

"When I get older, I will be the best wife. I will help my husband study the Torah all day and all night. I will cook the best foods for him and my kids. Oh God, help me."

The Hasidic community is the most gender-segregated society I've ever known or heard about - and I have researched gender-segregated communities quite a bit.

There are even some Hasidic communities in upstate New York where men and women are told to walk on separate sides of the streets - it's the closest thing that exists now to a 19th Century Eastern European Jewish shtetl (village).

From the second you start preschool, the sexes are totally separated. Boys and girls are told not to play together.

Even though in Jewish law there is no prohibition against hugging or holding hands with your sister or mom, when I was growing up it was still considered something Hasidic boys shouldn't do.

I never saw anyone naked. I did not know that my sisters and I had different body parts down under. It was never discussed.

Even so, when I was four years old I had this intense feeling of anger towards my own private parts. They didn't feel like part of me. It was an extremely strong feeling that I cannot explain to this day.

At that time, my mom would prepare the bath and let me play with the toys in the bathtub.

She used to keep a small tray of safety pins in the cabinet by the sink, so I would sneak out and take these safety pins and prick this one very specific part of my body.

It's not something that I encourage anyone to do, but I wanted to make it feel pain, almost like punishing it.

One time my mom walked in on me as I was doing this and she freaked out. I don't remember what she said exactly, but it was a very clear message that: "You are a boy and you're supposed to act like one, and don't ever say anything that might challenge that."

At the age of three, Hasidic boys have their first haircut, called the upsherin, which is when you get the side curls, or payos. That's the first kind of physical manifestation that indicates to the world - and to yourself - that you are a boy.

I did not want to have that haircut. I was throwing a temper tantrum for hours. "I want to have long hair! Why can my sisters have long hair and I can't?"

At 13, I had my bar mitzvah, which is when a boy becomes a man - so that was very tough.

I have some positive memories of it, like having a party and getting lots of gifts, but the concept of: "You are now a man," was really challenging. It was a celebration I felt I shouldn't be having.

If you want to get a sense of how isolated the Hasidic community is, until I was 12 I thought that the majority of people in the world were Jewish and that the majority of Jews were ultra-Orthodox - neither of which is correct.

Take any aspect of pop culture of the 90s - Britney Spears, or Seinfeld - I didn't even know it existed.

I didn't speak English until I was 20, just Yiddish and Hebrew. At school we just learned the ABCs and how to write our names and addresses, and that only lasted from fourth to eighth grade, for an hour a day - and even that hour was split between English and maths. Maths only went up to the level of long division, and we never touched any science or history, outside of some Jewish history.

The expectation, growing up, was that I would work as a teacher or rabbinical judge.

If you lead a synagogue or teach at a school in the Hasidic community, you're also called a rabbi, regardless of whether you have been ordained or not - but I actually wanted to be ordained. There were several reasons why.

Part of it was that I wanted to know exactly what I was rebelling against - my struggle with my identity as a woman meant I questioned everything I was being told about religion and God. At school, they called me the "kosher rebel".

At the same time, another part of me was hoping that if I really gave my entire self to it, all these feelings about who I was were just magically going to go away.

When I was 16, I immersed myself in Jewish mysticism, called Kabbalah. That was where I first came across a religious text that justified my existence.

In a 16th Century study of human souls called The Door of Reincarnation, I read: "At times, a male will reincarnate in the body of a female, and a female will be in a male body."

It gave me hope that maybe I wasn't crazy.

Even though I knew I was really a woman, I had an arranged marriage like everyone in the Hasidic community. You're born, you eat, you breathe, you get married at age 18.

My parents set it up. My bride had to come from a rabbinical dynasty and adhere to the same dress codes, which in my family are extremely unusual - so much so that there were probably only 20 to 50 girls in the entire world that were acceptable matches.

Fraidy and I met for about 15 to 20 minutes, and then we were engaged. We didn't meet again until our wedding, a year later.

At first, things went well. I liked her, she's an amazing woman, really smart and loving. We had great conversations, we never fought. As far as arranged marriages go, it was perfect.

It was the first time I had lived with a woman, which felt good. She was quite fashionable, and when we went shopping it was a way of putting myself in her shoes and thinking: "Oh, what would I get?"

Hasidic men wear black and white clothes with almost no choices whatsoever. Women get to explore a bit more, although it has to be modest, and certain colours, like red and pink, are off-limits.

But when Fraidy got pregnant, I really struggled. It was as if everything - gender, religion, my family, my son - was collapsing in on me and punching me.

It was like gender was hitting me in the face, it was just so present - what kind of clothes we were going to buy for the baby, whether we were going to do a circumcision on the eighth day - it was impossible not to face it every second.

My son's birth was the final, knock-out punch. I wanted to give my child the best life possible, but how could I, if, by the age of 20, I didn't even know what "a good life" was?

So I went online.

I knew that there was a place called the internet where you could connect with people and find information. There was such a strong focus on telling us how not to connect to the internet by mistake that I had learned about Wi-Fi and Google.

I borrowed a friend's tablet and hid in a toilet cubicle at a shopping centre that had public Wi-Fi.

My first search was whether a boy could turn into a girl - in Hebrew, I didn't speak English at the time - and on the first or second page of the results, there was the Wikipedia page about transgender people. That was the first time I learned the term and realised there were other people who felt like me.

Imagine struggling with something, whether it's physical or emotional, and you go to a doctor or therapist who for the first time in your life tells you: "Oh, what you are feeling is called XYZ, and here is what you can do to feel better, to find your place in the world."

Another amazing discovery was that there was a community of people online who had left ultra-Orthodox and Hasidic communities and had not just survived, but thrived.

A few weeks later I stopped being religious. I don't think it was obvious to many people because I was still living a religious life outwardly, but I stopped observing - for example, I started using my phone on Shabbat... anything that people wouldn't see.

My wife was the first person in the community that I spoke to about it, about six months after our son's circumcision.

I didn't leave my marriage. For a year, we tried to save it, but my ex was forced to leave me by her family. They took her away, quite literally. I lived in our apartment for the next few weeks, hoping that she and my son would come back.

Then, for a while, I moved back in with my parents. When I came out to my dad as an atheist, he said, "No matter what happens, you are still my child."

Once I realised that there was no way for me to live with my son full-time, I decided there was nothing left in the community for me.

Leaving is like emigrating - not just to a new country, but a new continent. It's a new century. It's time travel!

Suddenly, I was in a world where there were unlimited options for food and clothing. I bought my first pair of jeans and a red-and-white checked shirt. I always sucked at male fashion.

Language was the biggest obstacle to overcome, because when you grow up in New York, people expect you to speak English.

For three years I didn't speak to anyone in my family about my gender. I came out to my dad on 11 November 2015, a few months after starting hormone therapy.

It took my dad about an hour to even grasp what I was telling him, and that was thanks to certain religious texts that I showed him - one of which was the passage about male and female souls that I had discovered when I was studying Kabbalah, Jewish mysticism.

My dad admitted that trans people exist, which was quite impressive, because a lot of fundamentalist religious communities don't.

Then he told me: "You need to have a person who has Holy Spirit, in order to be able to tell you if you are really trans."

My reaction was: "I think two therapists and a doctor are good enough."

But he obviously disagreed, and a few minutes after that he pretty much told me that he would never talk to me again.

At that moment, it really hurt. But the reality was that by the time I came out, it was already three years after I had left the Hasidic community. I had enrolled in college, and was a member of some extremely progressive and amazing Jewish and queer communities - so I didn't lose any friends and my life wasn't upended by the rift with my family.

I still text my parents every week - my dad, my mom doesn't even have text messages - and the day that they are ready to talk to me, I will talk with them.

My ex-wife was not allowed to speak to me from the second we got divorced. My son is the love of my life.

I like to focus on the silver lining: instead of thinking about the 10 siblings who don't speak to me, I focus on the two who do. Anyway, most people I know nowadays outside the Hasidic community only have two siblings, if that.

Life is actually better than I could have ever imagined. I used to struggle with depression almost non-stop. Since I came out, I haven't had a day of waking up and feeling that there's no reason for me to wake up. Before I transitioned, there were days that I felt like that.

Being out as ourselves, being trans, being LGBTQ, is something that creates a life worthy of celebration, not just worthy of living. It's beautiful.

I was the first person in the Hasidic community to come out as trans, but there have been quite a few people since, and obviously, I'm being blamed for that.

I definitely think I can take some credit for it - the Hasidic community is never going to be the same again.

Abby Stein's autobiography is called Becoming Eve: My Journey from Ultra-Orthodox Rabbi to Transgender Woman