#fred is trying very hard to be fire-safe but there's a restaurant next door that has their alarm go off once a month

[hmsmiracles]

fremione firefighter au except hermione is a firefighter (aiming to be promoted to battalion chief and then fire chief) and fred co-owns a fireworks shop with george.

[fredheads]

Fred's first date with Mary.

Unofficially, their first date was the time Fred and FP had two tickets to a big minor league baseball game across the river in Greendale, but FP got really sick at the last minute and had to cancel. Hermione had no interest in baseball and a bunch of Fred’s guy buddies were out of town, so when FP suggested he ask Mary instead he swallowed his pride and did it. They just went as friends (barely that) but Fred picked her up in his car and they didn’t fight the whole drive down to the stadium. Mary didn’t know a lot about baseball either, but Fred was happy to answer all her questions and he was never patronizing or cocky about it. He was just really happy to be there. It was a nice, sunny day, and they actually got along for the duration of the game. They split a box of cracker jack and Fred totally caught a pop fly and let her keep it. They were joking and laughing about it all the way home. Mary hopped out of his car at the end of her driveway, turned around on the porch, and waved to him as he drove away. Their first OFFICIAL date was a disaster. 

Fred was a nervous wreck, as always. He had NO idea that Mary would even say yes when he asked her out, and the whole thing threw him for a loop. Everything had to be perfect! They were going to have a nice dinner at this expensive seafood restaurant down by the pier. Fred saved his allowance for weeks and read over the menu so many times he had it memorized. He was hoping they could go for a nice stroll on the beach after and kiss in front of the sunset, but just having a nice dinner would be enough. He was going to prove to her he was a gentleman, goddamnit it! 

Mary wore this cute pink dress that he still fantasizes about sometimes, and Fred wore a suit and tie he’d borrowed from his dad. He was sweating so much the armpits were damp the whole time. He picked Mary up in his car and even went inside to talk to her parents first - Mary’s mom and dad already knew him, of course, but they thought it was cute he was doing the traditional shlock. Mary’s dad told him to get her home safe and Fred swore he would. He managed to knock over a vase of flowers while he was in there, which was really embarrassing, but Mary’s mom assured him it was fine. 

He opened Mary’s door for her and was careful not to shut it on the skirt of her dress. The drive to the restaurant was mostly harmless, even though Fred was so nervous the conversation kept stalling. He was blushing and sweating the whole time. Halfway there he noticed he was getting low on gas, but he was worried if he stopped he’d look like a shmuck if he didn’t fill up the whole tank, and if he filled up the whole tank he wasn’t sure if he’d have enough for dinner. He decided they had more than enough to get there, but just to be safe, he’d stop and fill up on the way back. 

When they got to the restaurant, the host took one look at Fred and seated them at the very back near the kitchen door. Every time a waiter left the kitchen, the door would bang into the back of Mary’s chair. Fred gallantly switched seats with her, but then Mary didn’t get a view of the beach, just the people going into the bathrooms. 

Fred pulled out the chair for her as she was sitting down, and she almost fell on the floor. Then he tried to push the chair back in for her and smashed her toes into the table. He was so embarrassed about it that as he was going back around he stepped on the edge of the tablecloth and pulled all the cutlery and a glass of water onto the floor. A waiter had to come out and sweep it all up. (Fortunately, they were right next to the kitchen.)

Once they were sitting down they started discussing the menu, and Fred realized the menu he had been studying all week was obviously outdated: this one was different and the prices were a lot higher. He could still afford it as long as he didn’t buy anything ridiculous, but all his plans of impressing Mary with his knowledge of french seafood dishes went down the toilet. The thing he had planned on ordering (and practiced in perfect french) wasn’t on the menu so he panicked and found the cheapest option. Mary ordered something nice and bland, like tilapia, but Fred wanted to impress her so he tried to talk her into ordering something crazier. She rolled her eyes and agreed to go for the glazed salmon with the arugla salad. Fred was thrilled. She was going to be so impressed!! Nothing but the best for HIS future wife. 

The waiter was super unimpressed with Fred’s shitty french when he tried to order for the two of them, but Fred was determined to put that half-semester of french classes to good use! The waiter went away muttering about stupid teenagers in real french, but of course, Fred didn’t understand what he was saying. He was so nervous to be alone with Mary that he immediately spilled his water on the tablecloth. Mary said they could try to get the waiter’s attention to refill his glass, but Fred insisted it was fine and was incredibly thirsty for the rest of the night. 

He tried to make Mary laugh, but his jokes kept falling flat and all they just got worse and worse the more nervous he got. He would start telling a story, realize it sounded like he was bragging about himself, and then abruptly stop. He tried to make fun of their waiter by holding his fork up like a moustache, but the waiter happened to be right behind them and saw the whole routine. 

When their appetizers came, Fred had ordered in french and accidentally ordered the wrong thing. Mary had wanted mini lobster rolls, but Fred had accidentally ordered extra spicy crab cakes. Mary hated spicy food and took one bite before diving for her water glass. Fred started bragging about how good he was with spicy food and put a whole crab cake in his mouth to prove it. He’d forgotten that he didn’t have any water in his glass. It felt like his tongue was on fire and he had to smile through the pain. There were tears and snot streaming down his face. He tried to wipe his face with the napkin and pulled his glass over onto the ground, where it shattered again. 

Fortunately, the waiter brought two more glasses of water when he came to clean up his glass and replace it, because Fred’s sleeve caught fire on the candle as he was reaching across the table and Mary had to save him by dumping her glass of water on his arm. Fred was blushing so hard his ears hurt, and he had no idea how he was going to explain his charred sleeve to his dad. Everyone in the restaurant was looking at them. Fred was so embarrassed he quickly reached for another crab cake and spilled the crab onto his white shirt when his hand shook. He dabbed at the stain with his napkin, but it just seemed to spread it. He made a joke about how now his shirt matched the colour of her dress and Mary just gave him the evil eye. 

Their food came, and Mary was super unimpressed to find hers was not at all what she had ordered. Fred’s also did not look familiar, but he was down to try anything. He convinced Mary it would be good, but she insisted on calling the waiter over to tell him he’d made a mistake. The waiter told her no, this was what Fred had ordered in his botched french: broiled swordfish a la nicoise for her, and pineapple shrimp for him. (Pineapple being the one thing in the world Fred is deadly allergic to.)

Well, no way was Fred losing face and admitting he’d ordered something that was going to send him into anaphylactic shock. Mary started eating and kept asking him why he wasn’t eating anything, so Fred started nibbling at the side salad, which he was pretty confident didn’t contain pineapple. When he didn’t immediately die, he decided he’d just eat the salad and maybe hide the main course in his napkin or something. He dropped his fork on the ground, was too shy to pick it up, and started eating with his fingers. When Mary asked him what the fuck he was doing, he insisted that everyone ate like that in fancy seafood restaurants and that she should try it. 

Eventually he ran out of salad. He started picking carefully at the edges of his dish and taking a few nibbles of the veggies, which seemed safe. He had an epipen in his bag, and he was willing to slip out to the bathroom, use it, and come back, but he was already so anxious about the date that he couldn’t tell if he had already accidentally ingested some or not. His stomach was queasy and his throat was tight and he was sweaty, but he’d also been like that all night. He started psyching himself out and convincing himself he needed to use it and that he was about to die in front of Mary and they’d never get to have kids and have their backyard June wedding he had already planned. He had no idea what to do about this situation. 

When he’d been sitting there sweating for ten minutes and his throat hadn’t closed, he realized all his symptoms were just in his head and he had to stop eating his food until he psyched himself into a real-life allergic reaction. He thought about pretending there was something wrong with the dish and sending it back, but he knew Mary would be hugely embarrassed if he made a scene. He decided to take one for the team and make the lesser of two evils happen - he’d “accidentally” spill his meal on the floor and gallantly insist he’d already mostly finished it and he didn’t need to re-order. Then he’d be free of it, and he could relax and fill up on dessert later. Foolproof. Fred was great at spilling his food. 

Unfortunately, staging a spill is a lot harder than accidentally spilling something. He knew if Mary could tell he was doing it on purpose she’d never forgive him, so it had to be exceptional acting. He tried nudging his plate subtly closer to the edge of the table, but it was really heavy!! Eventually he decided pulling the tablecloth off the edge and the dish with it was going to be the best way to go. When a waiter walked out of the kitchen laden down with food and bumped the back of his chair, Fred saw his chance. Mary glanced up at the waiter and Fred yanked the tablecloth just enough to send the dish of shrimp off the edge. 

Unfortunately, he yanked at the wrong angle and the dish fell right into his lap. Meanwhile, he also managed to pull over all the cutlery, which rattled all over the floor, and spill the candle, which lit the tablecloth on fire. Mary screamed and jumped up from the table, and Fred grabbed his glass of water and doused it out. He jumped up at the same time and collided with another waiter coming out of the kitchen, knocking the whole tray of soups he’d been carrying to the floor. Now every eye in the restaurant was on them. Mary’s face was the same colour as her dress. Fred wanted to disappear, but at least he wasn’t going to die of anaphlactic shock anytime soon. He didn’t have to eat the pineapple - he was just wearing it. It felt really gross soaking into his pants, but he tried to ignore it. 

The waiters moved them to another table while they cleaned it up. Mary said they should maybe think about going, but Fred insisted that they stay for dessert and ordered them two lava cakes  - in English, this time. First he suggested the creme brulee, but Mary told him in no uncertain terms that she was never going near anything flammable with him again. Lava cakes it was. Fred was so excited when they brought them out - they looked rich and choclately and delicious. Even Mary looked less mad at the sight of that chocolate. He tried to be romantic and feed her a bite from his, but he didn’t realize how gooey it would be inside and dripped chocolate all over the table. Some got on her dress and she looked like she wanted to murder him. Fred didn’t try that again. 

Mary didn’t want all of hers, so Fred finished it off for her. When they were finally done the bill came, and even with all the extra expenses Fred still had enough money to settle up perfectly! Then he realized he’d have to leave a tip. He guiltily asked Mary if she wouldn’t mind lending him some money. She plunked down a fistful of change without saying a word or breaking eye contact. The whole restaurant applauded when they left. Fred’s picture is still hanging up in the back with a plaque saying DO NOT SERVE THIS MAN. 

He asked if she wanted to go for a walk on the beach, but she said she’d better be getting home. The drive home was really awkward, and Fred was pretty sure the inside of his car would smell like seafood for a week. He totally forgot they were low on gas until they were in the middle of a shortcut home and the car stopped. They had to push the car all the way up the hill to the next gas station, and both of their nice shoes got covered in mud. Once they were there, Fred had to ask Mary to lend him money again. She did, but she wasn’t happy about it. 

Finally he got her home and asked if he could see her again sometime soon. Mary told him sure - in ten million trillion years. She slammed the door of the car on her own dress, told him she hated his guts, and stormed all the way inside. She left her purse in the car so Fred brought it to the door. Mary opened the door, grabbed her purse, and slammed the door in his face. 

Fred was in debt for another two months, because not only did he have to pay Mary back, he had to buy his dad a new suit. Mary told all her friends, and he was the laughingstock of the school. He had a stomachache all night from the two lava cakes and started wondering why he didn’t just eat that pineapple shrimp when he had the chance. 

Twenty-five years later, Archie asked what their first date was. Fred told him they had a nice dinner and left it at that.