#freakin life dragging me arnd | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

readmylip-s · 5 years ago

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negative nancy.

i’ve been contemplating, a lot. contemplating whether or not to write. or if i should just bottle it up and keep it all inside of me. but after weeks of contemplation, i decided to just let it out here.

number one, because i guess its the cliche you shouldn’t bottle things up, its not healthy. number two, because i suppose this is a pretty safe place albeit it being a public platform. number three, i have come to a conclusion that a listening ear does not always have to be humans. number three point one, humans are so darn disappointing sometimes. (i mean, they keep saying shit like they gon’ be there for you whenever, or they gon’ be there for you in times of need. but seriously tho, who is ever gna be there for you anytime, 24/7? and a lot of times when you truly need one right there and then, and you decide to approach them, they’re not available for whatever reason. so screw that /i’m gna be here for you/ shit. scratch that. bleagh.)

anyway.

as the header suggests, i’ve been such a negative nancy lately. i was tryna convince myself that i’m just over thinking and that i’m being overly sensitive. bcus i mean, if everything arnd is pissing me off then i was probably the problem. but dude get this - i swear, common sense isn’t common anymore. also, why do people complicate things that are simple? why do i feel like some people are just being so damn bloody self-centered? and why is it that i feel as though people step on my toes then take advantage of my kindness?

do i gotta go back to where i was when i was eighteen for people to realize how real mental illnesses are? every single time i try to fight for myself, i end up feeling like i was fighting a losing battle. and when i tell myself to choose my battles wisely, i’d end up not fighting any because it is just too freakin’ exhausting. the amount of times i’ve tried to cut back on my episodes has probably rocketed sky high. what’s the point of getting off medications, getting off probation period when the episodes get more frequent?

just a while back, not too long ago, a friend came up to me while i was sitting on the steps at the tower circuit still decked in my gears. asked if i was alright. i truly wanted to shake my head and bawl my eyes out but i couldn’t bring myself to. my walls were up and i wasn’t about to let them down. but i guess i still wear my heart on my sleeves though i’m tryna learn how not to. i felt a pat on my helmet. and this was what was said to me (not in the exact words. more like roughly how i remember it); you have been exceptionally quiet since the last time i saw you. you used to be so cheerful and bubbly. this might be the last time i get to see you here. it has been about two years since i’ve been here. in case i dont see you here again, i am very glad to have met you. it has been a pleasure. you’re really nice, and maybe that is why everyone likes you too.” (and everyone in this context is everyone i have met through the two year stint)

i held myself back from crying. all i could say was thank you and that i am very appreciative. i got off the steps and snapped myself back to reality. that very evening, i spent quite a hefty amount of time just crying. not just because i was given a rlly unexpected affirmation, but maybe bcus i was really someone different. i wasn’t who i usually am.

i truly have been exceptionally quiet. i don’t rlly open up anymore. i lose interest in things rlly quickly, especially when i feel jilted. i’d just be indifferent. i try to be neutral. and where necessary, i’ll just blend in with the crowd so no one would question whether i’m alright bcus it would prolly end up with me just bursting in to tears.

it sucks, it rlly sucks to be crying so much the past couple weeks. sadtember was bad. october is no better. i honestly stopped expecting anything from anyone. i stand by living alone and dying alone. i am not gna drag anyone down with me bcus that shit is unfair dude. i am my own cause of misery and i have absolutely no energy to choke out of myself. if i’m meant to hurt the way i am now then i shall. i’ll be counting my blessings when i go through days that are less painful, for i no longer count on human beings. i no longer hope to be okay again either. if i do, i will be. if i don’t, alright i’m cool too. i’m done trying.

i’ve lost the positivity in me. i’ve lost my dire need for peace. i’ve lost the appetency to be fixed. i’ve lost this battle i thought was ending. i’ve lost the longing for a rainbow after the storm.

and i might just be ready, to lose myself to this mess i’ve been struggling with for the past six years.

no longer headstrong, no longer jovial, no longer full of life. but indifferent, lost, empty.

x, nvrfa

2239 | 24th October 2019

#nvrfadiary

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