#found some vegetarian stuff as well which i sometimes also eat as well as cereal with my overpriced oat milk

[tardis--dreams]

Living my best life eating the same food every single day here

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #205

forget picking song lyrics, i’m going the hell to bed now.

Do you live by yourself? I live with my mom. Do you like cleaning? Does anyone???? Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I've never watched the series; not even a single movie, actually. So I don't have an opinion. Do you watch PewDiePie? Extremely rarely. He's funny, but I'm not interested in his channel's content anymore. Do you like "Despacito?" My sister showed it to me once when she learned I'd never heard it, and I found zero appeal in it whatsoever. Do you play Pokemon Go? It's a brilliant idea, and I really do wish I could play it, but here where I live, there are like ZERO PokeStops (where you get Pokeballs), even in cities, so it's pretty much impossible. Did you ever color your hair pink? No. Do you like Dr. Phil? I don't watch the show and don't know him as a person. Do you prefer to be inside or outside? Inside. Do you eat meat? Sadly. I'm HOPEFULLY quitting when I get to the weight I want; I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed when I was vegetarian to where my body was desperately clinging to what it had or something like that (basically, my weight wouldn't budge in a couple of months), but even still, I don't know if I could do it without depriving myself again. I'm just such a picky eater. Do you need to do the dishes? Yeah. Not desperately, but. Are you scared of clowns? No. Do you have any subscribers on YouTube? *checks* A very impressive 66. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you like McDonald's? Don't even lie to me, you'll eat there. I don't mind it at all. Do you have a Steam account? Yes. Do you like gaming? Not as much as I used to, but yes. Have you ever played Five Nights at Freddy’s? No. I don't consider jumpscares to be genuinely "scary," but rather a natural reaction to surprise, but FNAF's are intense, and I know they'd have me jumping like crazy. That aside, the games aren't of my personal appeal to actually play (though it's a fun game to watch). Do you like horror movies? Yes. Do you like chicken nuggets? I love me my chicken nuggies hunty. Have you ever tried Akinator? Yes. Can you twerk? I don't know and don't care to. Do you like dabbing? It looks stupid to me. The meme of it makes me laugh, though. What was the last country you visited? I've never left the country. Do you know your phone number? No, actually. It is incredibly difficult for me to memorize sequences, and besides, it's not like I give out my number almost ever. Do you swear in front of children? No. What’s your opinion on Brexit? Shit, I don't even remember what it's about. So obviously I can't have an opinion. It doesn't affect me, anyway. If you want children, what are some of your reasons for wanting them? N/A When you cook a dish that has beans in it, do you prefer to use canned or dry beans? I don't cook, and you'll never see me willingly eat a bean. What were some fun experiments you did in science class as a kid? The two that sharply stand out to me are dissecting an owl pellet in elementary and a frog in middle school. Both were SO cool. What was the last strong emotion you felt? Excitement. After finishing a bowl of cereal, do you drink the leftover milk? Only ever if it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch that I ate. And even then, only sometimes. Do you use dry shampoo between washes? No. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing. What’s the most severe allergic reaction you’ve ever had to something? Nothing severe, besides pollen allergies flaring up. What’s your favorite sub-genre of rock? Hard. Who was the last person to get frustrated with you, and why? Mom, but she was more than frustrated. We were having a serious fight about her attitude towards Dad and his wife. What’s something that makes absolutely zero sense to you? Anti-vax shitlords. What’s your phone background? Lock screen is Darkiplier, home screen is Sara kissing my forehead. :'> Have you ever lived with someone you didn’t get along with? No. Do you have a fitness tracker? No. What types of animals have you had as pets? A billion cats, dogs, snakes, lizards, rats, gerbils, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, box turtles, hermit crabs... and probably more. How well do you understand economics? Have you ever taken an econ class? Not well at ALL. I had one my senior year. What was the last fruit you ate? I had two bites out of a watermelon 'cuz I was really hungry, but we didn't really have anything as a snack. (I fast daily, so I have to watch when my meals are.) I'm not a big watermelon fan, but I hadn't tried these cubes before, and at least it was something. Can you remember your first day of school? I believe I can very faintly... very faintly. I think I had a complete breakdown because of my insane separation anxiety regarding my mom, or it was the complete opposite... alskdfjaweiajr it's like I can kinda see it in the back of my head, but it's super blurry. What’s your favorite movie? The Lion King. It was my favorite as a kid and became so again as an adult just truly acknowledging how damn good and meaningful it is. Plus the soundtrack was a banger. Would you rather jump out of an airplane or go scuba diving? Scuba diving. Do you get bored looking at other peoples’ holiday pictures? Eh. If it's a whole lot, yes, but as a photographer, I enjoy noting which ones I like and why I favor them. Do you give money to charity? Not currently, no. I have no money to give. When I do have a paying job, I plan on definitely donating any time Mark does a charity stream. Are you more into music or movies? Music, easily. When was the last time you went to a swimming pool? WOW. It's been years. Either when I still lived in the apartment or once at Colleen's in-laws', I can't remember which was last. Would you rather have a pet snake or a pet turtle? I have a snake, and I'll take another for sure. Have you ever seen a band live? Who was the last you saw? Just Alice Cooper. Ma and I are seeing Ozzy next year (if the poor man ain't dead), tho!!!! And he's gonna be with Judas Priest and Megadeth. We are NOT going to survive. Do people who use massive amounts of emoticons annoy you? Yes. Emojis, more specifically. If you're writing a sentence and you use an emoji after each and every goddamn word, it drives me up a wall. What was the last clothing item you bought? Underwear, I believe? Or a bra? What does your washing powder smell like? Idk. Normal? Do you have a dishwasher or do you do dishes by hand? By hand, which I cannot explain how much I loathe. It feels disgusting. Are there any cobwebs in your room? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever used a pick-up line and had it work? Ew, I'd never use one to begin with. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No to both. The current modelling industry is so, so harmful. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Like around two years ago, I remember going on a mass destruction episode of those super old things, as they embarrassed me horribly, even though I know it had no real reason. Just everything I create embarrasses me. My mom has old school stuff, though. Who did you last have an argument with? Mom today. When was the last time you cooked for yourself? If you include putting things in the microwave with few steps... not that long ago. Maybe two days back. Do you have a safe? Mom does. When was the last time you saw a relative? Mooonths ago when Grammy and her husband were driving through. My brother and his son are visiting real soon, though!! Do you shout out the answers at quiz shows? Yes, lol. Have you ever been in a TV audience? I've been to like three-four hockey games, so yeah. Have you ever entered the lottery? Won anything? No. Well, Mom or Dad would rarely get those scratch-off tickets at random, but the most we've ever got was just like five bucks or so. Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Have you ever drawn on a wall in your house? No. Do you like making collages? No. Have you ever kept a scrapbook? Yeah. What’s your favorite video-game? Silent Hill 2 and Shadow of the Colossus. Sigh, I want a PS4 SO bad to get the SotC remaster. I actually teared up when I saw the opening cutscene for the first time, and I just marveled through the EEEEEEENNNNtire playthrough I watched. It's unbelievable. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? Not off the top of my head. I'm tired, don't make me think. Have you ever made up a word? Well, as a writer, I've made up names and places. A word itself, I don't think so. Do you get nervous speaking to people you don’t know on the phone? VERY!!!!!!!! Are you scared of anything irrational? You mean like, half my fears? Do you have a passport? What’s the picture like? No. Have you ever had a full fringe? (bangs) As a kid I did. Is there anything you would never admit to liking? Don't think so. What’s the weirdest craze you can remember? Fidget spinners. Do you use bug spray or fly swatters? Fly swatters. Then we also have this hanging cylindrical sticky... thing that flies and gnats are apparently attracted to with the smell, I guess. Works like magic, though I agree it's pretty cruel. Just stuck there until you die. Are you a clumsy person? Boy, am I. Do you have tiled floors in your house? In three rooms. Do you listen to any movie soundtracks regularly? No. Do you bruise easily? Way too easily. Like normally something simple won't leave behind an obvious one, but even a normal poke in the arm hurts a lot and leaves the spot sore for a good while. I was tested for anemia, but apparently, I don't have it. What would you love to learn to do? Play the electric guitar. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Ehhh... lemurs as far as cute goes, monkeys overall. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot. Do you have any phone charms on your mobile? No. What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? That's a big 'ole honkin' nope. Last time you puked from drinking? Never. Have you ever gotten drunk and danced on a bar? No. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor? Vanilla. Though sometimes I prefer chocolate. Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? Only for dinner. I forgot the science behind it, but one of my meds for bipolarity only works to its full effect after ingesting at least 350 calories; I only get about a 20% effectiveness of the medicine when eating less. I know it sounds weird, but my psychiatrist is a goddamn genius, and I trust every word that comes out of his mouth. When was the last time you slept on the floor? Two years ago when I was living with Colleen and I didn't have a blow-up mattress yet. Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? When???????????????? do I?????????????? not???????????????????????????????????? Do you wear flip-flops? That's pretty much all I wear just about year-round... I remember in 7th grade, one of my teachers asked me about it a lot and I just told her I didn't mind the cold, which was true. Pretty sure she thought I was lying and was too poor to buy new clothes or something, as she gifted me socks one day, which I thought was incredibly sweet. I miss my 7th grade teachers. Best school year. Who was the last person to kiss you on the cheek? Pretty sure my niece Aubree when saying bye. What is your favorite sauce to eat with spaghetti? Normal Prego sauce, I think. Have you ever seen a magic show? A little one as a kid. When was the last time you vomited and why? Months and months ago when I was testing a medication. Quit that shit real fast, as it made me sick so many times. Where do you usually sit when you eat dinner? Uhhh I eat in my bed usually, lmao. We almost never sit at the table. I normally do if Mom's there, though. How often do you get headaches? Ugh, often. Why did you call the last person you called? I was calling back about my job application that I was supposed to hear about yesterday. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Two. Do you have Facebook friends that you’ve never actually met? Yes. When was the last time you had your photo taken professionally? Not since senior pictures, pretty sure. I hated how it came out. I have a lazy eye when I smile, gah. How long does it take you to get to school or work? Currently N/A. Let’s say you had a baby with the last person you kissed? We're both female, so. And neither of us want kids anyway. When was the last time you completely broke down? A couple weeks ago in a totally random and severe panic attack. Do you have someone you can spill your heart out to? Yeah. Is there a person that you would do absolutely anything and everything for? No. I'm not gonna, say, murder someone just because they want me to. What’s something you really want right now? To go and get my tattoo cleaned up by a more professional artist alsdkjfalwei. I got the approximate cost, I just have to wait until I can afford it. This tattoo is so so so important to me and it needs to be perfect. What is your relationship status? Taken. What was the longest time you’ve wasted on a certain person? Not even two weeks lmao. I said yes to dating mostly out of fear of hurting his feelings, and he QUICKLY proved he was NOT for me. Are you listening to music right now? Yeah, my iTunes is on shuffle. Anyone you would like to get things straight with? I wouldn't want to be friends I don't think, but I REALLY want to see Jason one final time to tell him how sorry I am. I recently acknowledged just how fucked up I treated him after the breakup; he wasn't the only one who made mistakes. I sure as hell did. He deserves to hear it badly. I do believe our last talk was a good ending, but I feel me finally admitting that I fucked up would be the perfect one. What was the best thing that happened to you today? Seeing Dad for his birthday. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I talk-talked to some WoW friends a couple days ago, though very very briefly. I couldn't figure Discord push-to-talk out and I ended up panicking lmao. What color are the last new pair of pants that you bought? Black. Is your room clean? I should dust and vacuum, but the latter doesn't currently work. List all the countries you’ve visited.  I've never left America. At what age would you allow your kids to dye their hair? Shit, whenever they wanted tbh. So long they sounded serious about it and it wasn't just a brief episode of "oh this would be cool." Which fast food place do you eat at the most? Hm. Wendy's or Sonic. When was the last time you weren’t lonely? Jesus fucking Christ, who knows. What kind of movies do you like? Horror, fantasy, Disney/kids' films, comedies, rom coms, and emotionally moving ones. Bats are not spooky or are they? They're adorable, omg. Do you think blue is a gay color? Fuck off. What's your opinion on gays? Fuck off harder. Do you like the song "Womanizer"? Don't even talk to me if you don't. Where is your favorite place to get fries? You can't live your fullest life without having Bojangle's fries at least once. Do you know anyone who was raised by their grandparents? Idk. Have you ever made your own pie from scratch? No. Who was the last person you had an in-depth conversation with? Sara. What was the last fast food item you ate? A hot dog. What is your favorite gaming console? You know PS2 was the best, you know it. What was the last major city you visited? Raleigh, if that even counts. Do you always have a stock of alcohol in your house? No. Have you ever had a pumpkin latte and if so, did you like it? I hate everything pumpkin-flavored. Is there an antique store in your town or city? I think so... Have you ever been to a baby shower? My sister's. Maybe others', but idr. Do you know anyone who has been to rehab? Pretty sure yes. How many romantic relationships have you been in so far? Genuinely "romantic" ones, two. Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? I am 99% sure I am the pickiest human being to ever live. Have you ever lived in a house with a pool in the yard? Not a built-in one. What color is your toothbrush? Blue. Do you have gluten intolerance or know anyone who does? I know a few people. Have you ever slept in a car overnight? No. Have you ever fainted? Yes. Do you avoid conflict as much as possible? YUP. Do you like ice cream cake? I'm not a big fan. Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Yes. Where is your second home!? The place I'm second-most comfortable is probably Sara's. What song always makes you sad? I avoid listening to "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides unless I just really, really want to hear it. I always tear up due to memories. Have you ever played a game that required removing your clothes? No. Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Breasts and neck. Were you mean as a little kid? No. Who was the last person you hung out with? Dad. What is your mother’s name? Donna. What is your favorite song at the moment? I've been in true love with a heavy metal cover of "Invincible" from the WoW soundtrack for like a full month. What day will you never forget? The breakup night. Suicide attempt. My niece and nephew being born. Meeting Sara. Getting Teddy. First time hanging out at Jason's. 16th birthday. Alice Cooper concert. Putting Dale and Cali down. There's a lot. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Some crazy shit on FB to show Sara. Something you're looking forward to? Getting a goddamn job. What is God teaching you right now? Lul. What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I was devastated to hear about it; it was the one event that actually got me paying attention to the news. It is a monument of incredible art and history, and for Catholics, a house of their god. I am so thankful the damage wasn't too tremendous. What’s the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? I dunno. Surprisingly. What’s your favorite version of the Bible to read? N/A If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? N/A When was the last time you went to church? Not since Colleen had her extreme Christian phase two years ago. What’s the last song you listened to on repeat? "Radio" by Rammstein. That new album's gonna be bangin'. Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? NOPE. It sure does not. I have no issue with the psychiatric care unit there, though. Every time I went to the ER for suicidal thoughts or the attempt, they were sweethearts to me. But as far as physical health, they do NOT have a good rep. I know someone's grandfather that nearly fucking died thanks to them, and I can't recall what it was exactly, but Mom had some complaints during her kidney cancer treatment. What is your hometown known for? Crime. Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? I honestly miss Colleen sometimes, but I can't go back to her. I can't. I'm done giving her more chances than she deserves. It was nice to actually have someone to hang out with, but she is just overall not a pleasant person. What’s your greatest longing? Financial stability, probably. Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, “this isn’t true”? BOY HOWDY- What are you behind on? Being an adult. I am 23 and a SOOOOOORRYYYYYY excuse for one. Is there someone who’s stolen from you and never got caught? Yes. Someone stole our basketball hoop from my childhood home. Have you been lonely for most of your life? Most of my life, no. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? When I lived with Colleen and slept on the floor for a bit. Do you live near the woods? Yeah, there's woods across the road. What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I wanna be the dumb blonde witch from Hocus Pocus, lmao. A pastel vampire would be pretty cool. And Rhett from the "Sleep Tight" video has instilled in me the great desire to be a steampunk toothfairy at least once. List five things people have been jealous of you for. Idk. List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. More than anyone, a friend of many friends' photography success when I can genuinely and modestly say I really think I'm better than her. That is easily the worst envy situation I've dealt with (and still do), as this is the one that is actually almost spiteful, wrong as that is. Then I have another friend who is a FANTASTIC photographer as well and is now a professional one in the fashion industry, I believe. Then there was a girl I went to school with called Cailin whose drawing skills were naturally INCREDIBLE since elementary school, and I remember back then, me and her would always get the most attention for our work, but she did moreso, but I wanted to be the "best" artist. Once I hit high school I just had great respect for her talent. Next, one of my former best friends Hannia was a natural GENIUS that got perfect scores on LITERALLY almost anything; she had the highest GPA in the entire school, while I was right behind her. And uhhhh five... I have been and still am jealous of my sisters for being proper, successful adults. What is your favorite shade of brown? Like a caramel tone, I guess? What color is your toilet seat? White. Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? Definitely a house. What’s one thing you had growing up that you miss now? Energy. Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Lettuce. Do you listen to instrumental bands such as Hammock, Trentemoller, etc.? No. Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? Just because my sisters went and Mom wanted me to hang out with them. I may have with my old friend, too. Have you ever self-harmed? Yeah. Never the answer. Do you have any eating disorders? No. I'm afraid of developing one once I (hopefully) get to the weight I want, though. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? I hate energy drinks. They taste like poison. Do you plan on getting married? Yeah. Do you want kids? That's a big fat nope. What’s your sexual orientation? I don’t judge. Bisexual. At what time of day do you normally feel the best? The morning. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. YOU. CAN. GET. BETTER. Seek professional help if you feel suicidal, and after what I understand is a serious struggle, you truly can go into the light at the end of the tunnel. You've got, to our understanding, one shot at this. Don't end it when there is a possibility for a beautiful future. If you’re unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Have a job and be in school. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. My mom. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don't think so. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Hm. Sunset, maybe. Idk. Name a country whose history you know nothing about. Lmao most. What is your favorite store at the mall? Hot Topic. Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? Shit, not since high school gym. Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No. What did you win a scholarship for? Nowhere. What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? Flies. Do you put off things until the last minute? I tend to. Is your mom the same size as you? No, I'm smaller. Do you know any Christians who aren’t judgmental? No shit. Do you still think of that Gwen Stefani song when you spell bananas? Ha ha yup. Do you like the way your hair naturally is, or do you change it? It's fine. But I want it dyed badly. Do you know anyone who died accidentally by doing something stupid? Yes. How many different languages have you taken in school? Latin and German. How tall is your father? (Estimate?) Idk. Over six feet. Would you meet Miley Cyrus if you had the chance? No. What is your favorite slow song? Oh yeesh. Idk. Maybe "See You On The Other Side" by Ozzy. Do you believe in karma? No. Do you constantly check your cell phone? No. Only Sara or Mom ever text me, and I pick it up just if the green light is blinking (means I have a message). If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? Well yeah. If you could spend 1 hour 20 years in the future, would you? Yes. I want to see where I am, so long as I can change my behavior to improve that future if needed. Otherwise, I don't wanna know. Are your pets asleep? Teddy probably is, Bentley might be, idk where Roman is, but he likely is, I can't see Mitsu from where I am currently, Venus may be (no eyelids, so you never know) as she's in her rock, and Kaiju is awake. Have you ever wished you were an only child? Never. Have you ever hurt someone on purpose? Yes. Have you ever gotten hurt while sledding? No. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? It depends on the subject of them and my mental state. Kid pictures I'm always up for, high school ones are okay, though they can make me really upset with how healthy and skinny I was, and I deleted all photos I had on Facebook of Jason and me last year so I couldn't even risk looking at them ever again, as there's a good chance some would trigger my PTSD. Of all your exes, who do you think you had the deepest feelings for? Jason, obviously. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? I have the most uneventful, bland life. No. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? Idk. What song are you listening to right now? Is this one of your favorite songs? "Alone I Break" by Korn. No, but I love it. What is something you have to explain a lot? My sweating issue. Gross to talk about, but I sweat seriously excessively, like you would not believe. It can be 70 degrees and I'll be sweating in seconds. People worry about it, and in VR, I've had to explain it so many times due to it affecting suitable jobs (I think we can all agree being drenched in sweat at work looks extremely bad). Hopefully I won't have to anymore when my doctor decides what to do about it. It's most likely a thyroid issue, which I have no clue about how to subdue symptoms of. There's really a shitload I have to explain lately between doctors and VR... Which compliment do you receive the most? From those that know me/see me, that I'm losing weight. From people in general, "I love your hair" or something like that. Who were you last on the phone with? My sister. What is one thing you have always wondered? Uh. Idk. I'm sure there's a lot, just nothing's coming to me atm... What do your friends think about the music you listen to? Your family? My friends and I like similar stuff, as do my parents, especially Mom. My sisters are the total opposite of me and don't enjoy metal and the like at all. Has anyone ever told you to grow up? Essentially. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Hell no. How many true friends do you have? Excluding family and my girlfriend as they're more than that, like... one or two, it feels like most of the time. Can you honestly say you’re happy right now? No. What is something you are exceptionally bad at? Doing math in my head or spelling up there. AND READING LIPS. Do you have a house phone? No. Who do you love more than anyone right now? Don't make me choose between Mom and Sara. How much money do you have saved up? I literally have $11. Do you like bright/neon colors? Yes, but I prefer pastel. What is your favorite wild animal? Meerkats. Do you ever eat breakfast? I almost always do. Do you remember who your first grade teacher was? Yes. Have you ever won any trophies? What for? Yeah, for A honor roll all through elementary school (save for 5th grade; I got one B and was so upset, lmao), then in all kid sports I played, everyone got lil ones, some from dance I believe, and I think there's one or two others I'm not thinking of...

[svetlanabelikova]

JOURNALING V

content warning:

weight loss/talking about weight

medical/surgical discussions

it has been awhile since i updated anyone casually interested in this part of my life, hasn’t it. 

well, part of that is b/c i’ve been busy. holidays and everything, also i’ve started a work out routine, but i’ll get into that in a moment. also i didn’t have any doctor appointments for like, literally 3 weeks straight, which was nice. much better than speed running it like i had been.

today is 11.11.19, (make a wish if you believe in that sort of thing) and i’ve decided i no longer want surgery.

let me back up here.

so, let me re-read my last post just to remember what i need to fill in... ah yes, the fun i had w/ the x-ray. that feels like it happened months and months ago.

well, since then , i’ve been trying to get my life a lot more organized. i’ve started a (bullet) journal (mostly b/c i love watching the aesthetic set-up videos on youtube) and in it have been tracking my progress by the numbers. for the first few weeks of trying to lose weight, i was weighing myself every other day, sometimes more than that. i became obsessive and felt like the numbers weren’t enough. i wasn’t losing enough and one weekend i had gained back like 1.7 lbs or something. but seeing any increase in the numbers upset me. even though when we are talking about 1 or 2 pounds in someone that’s got over 300 of them, it isn’t the same as if someone is more like a buck fifty. 

being able to put it down somewhere physical and then keep a log so i can see the numbers adding up or going down in a catalog has been very helpful for my mental health. having just the numbers on a paper has allowed me to watch my weight go from 349 in the beginning of october to where it currently is (or was as of 11.6 i only weigh myself every other wednesday. why wednesday and why every other week, i don’t know. it just seemed like more than once a month but less than every week. a good distance between not enough and too much) which is 329 lbs. 

when put to paper, 20 pounds in a month is, i think, great. i know everyone says “oh the first 10-12 pounds comes off so easily!” but not from where i’m standing. i have been working for those 20 pounds. 

speaking of working, let’s dig into that piece of proverbial pie i teased earlier. 

i have a work-out routine. which is the first time i’ve said that in,,, probably ever. i know while in school i technically had one in p.e. class but let’s be honest. i did not give it my all and would take any opportunity to skip if i could. now it is just me, alone w/ my dark synthwave music and the pedometer built into pokemon go.

yeah, i could download a real work-out app that would track this stuff for me, but my phone’s memory is full to bursting and listen, i need to walk my buddy and eggs. i’ve got friends on pokemon go that need gifts and it is already built-in w/ this new adventure sync, so might as well use what i have.

so, i work out every monday, wednesday and friday night. i usually leave the house a little before 9pm and try to be back a little after 10pm. just about an hour. in that hour i walk down my street (which is pretty long imo), around the corner to the pokestop at the park, around the park, back down my street and return home. in the beginning i just walked around my street, or just to the stop (which is 0.7km from my front door) but as i’ve built up stamina, i’ve been able to walk all the way around the park. actually my goal for november, is to start walking around the park twice a night, at least once a week. 

on average it is about 3,400 steps(or roughly 3.5 kms) and an hour of activity, 3 nights a week. i doesn’t seem like a lot but:

1. it is an hour of cardio every other day that i was not doing before, and 2. additional movement that adds up

i walked a combined 40,881 steps in october 2019 while working out. that is on top of whatever else i did while shopping or playing w/ the kids or what have you. 

and i plan to add more. i found a great video on youtube that is all about basic, beginner yoga for curvy people. the instructor talks about doing yoga to your size and abilities and not letting anyone tell you that you can’t do yoga b/c you’re fat. i don’t buy into the idea that yoga can directly help you loose large amounts of weight, but what it will do is help build up muscle in my legs and relieve tension in my back, which will then allow me to walk longer and w/ less pain. after forty minutes or so of fast walking, my knee starts to scream and my back burns. hopefully by adding in this yoga that concentrates on thighs, calves and back, where most big people have issues, it will help me target issue areas, deal w/ them in a low-impact way, then save energy and build up stamina to push myself in other ways.

i also want to eventually start adding weight training into my work-out routine.  gods, it still sounds so bougee to say i have a ‘work out routine’, but there you have it. 

i’ve also begun to overhaul my eating habits. for breakfast, 6 days a week, i have a protein shake. water and soy milk mixed w/ a plant-based protein powder and an additive of instant coffee. sugar free, dairy free. and awful. i hate them. i’ve tried a few different ones and they are all fucking awful, but i drink them anyway. 

i also usually eat a salad or soup for lunch. i’ve been finding a lot of really great salad combinations on top of rediscovering my love of salads. when i first went vegetarian, i was big into salads but eventually, it became easier to buy those premade, frozen veggie-friendly meals. like all that Amys’ food or the MorningStar brand (which still conjures ideas of satan-worshipping vegans, but hey, i can dig it). i’m trying to find pre-paired salad meals. i found this really good asian inspired salad that had friend wonton strips and a wonderful sesame seed sauce. so good. each bag can make 3 lunches for me, so it is great to stretch them out. also did you know that most cans of soup are technically 2 servings? i didn’t.

that was probably my biggest problem w/ food that i’ve addressed: what constitutes an actual serving size? 

before last month, i assumed a serving size was what looked right. like in the case of the soup, i assumed if it all fit in a soup bowl, it was 1 serving. 1 can of soup can fit in 1 soup bowl so it would make sense, right? nope. 1 serving of canned soup is actually about half the can or roughly 1 cup of liquid. which doesn’t seem like a lot. 

so i’ve stuck to salads. 2 and a half cups of salad is like, i don’t know, 35 cal. so, i can go hog wild, prepare a giant ramen bowl full of salad w/ carrots, onions, a sprinkle of slivered almonds, a splash of lite raspberry vinaigrette, and some sliced, uncured ham and that is lunch, baby!

dinner is pretty untouched, other than i eat on children’s plates now. i heard somewhere from some dietian on a show or something that eat on smaller plates, like children’s plates, helps trick your mind that you are eating more than you actually are. your eyes see a plate full up w/ food rather than eating a little food on a large plate, it is the same amount of “little food” but looks more filling on a little plate. i don’t know if it is true, but i feel like it helps me portion food out better. if a helping of potatoes can’t fit in the little sectioned off children’s plates, it is probably too much potatoes. rip

dessert has been downsized, if i have it at all. 3 thin oreos rather than like, a bowl of cereal. a 1/4 of soy ice cream rather than however much i can pile into a small bowl. 

so that is the update: breakfast is a protein shake lunch is soup or salad dinner is served on a child’s plate dessert is 3 thin oreos. 

maybe this week i will start keeping a calorie count, just to get an idea of what my average is compared to the 2,000 cal/day suggestion.

ok, so that was already a lot, but i did mention that i had suddenly taken a large left turn when it came to the surgery. my last journal update was all about how i was excited to blind, no walkthrough, speedrun this so i could get cleared for the surgery on like january 1, 2020. well, ha ha, nevermind. 

this latest class i went to was enlightening. i mean they all have been so far, for different reasons and in different ways. the first class was about what kind of choices we had. did we want to take mediation? did we want to go to food addicts anonymous? did we want surgery? so this new class i went to on 11.7, was a follow-up to the surgical path.

i was already on the fence about disfiguring my insides. the idea of slicing off 2/3 my stomach rearranging my intestines already sounds horrifyingly frankenstineian to me. it sounds like something midevil doctors would come up w/ while snorting morphine or something. but, i was assured that it was the best option, that it was incredibly safe, it was done all the time, it had great success, etc. 

i allowed myself to be talked into it. i relented and bought into the dream they were spinning for me. 

not after this class. the amount of insanity that is involved, even beyond, again, the whole cutting off and throwing away 2/3 of your stomach, there is some buck wild rules you have to abide after the surgery. i wrote them down (which i was the only one that did. in a class of 9-10 people, i was the only person taking notes and the only person horrified by what i was hearing):

- lose hair first 3-9 months (me, a person w/ thin hair: oh yikes) - will need to take as many as 12 vitamins a day (me, a person that hates taking any medication) - will not be able to take any medication other than liquid/pills will pass thru tiny stomach too fast to be effective (me, a person that hates liquid medication w/ a passion), only tylenol allowed; all medication from doctors must be liquid or chewable - 70% of patients need a follow-up surgery (WHAT) - no smoking (that’s fine) no alcohol (hang on....) after surgery. ever - ideal meals after surgery: 60-100g protein, 40-80g produce, no carbs, no sugar (wait...) - eat a meal every 4 hr.s or so (that seems like overkill) - no carbonated drinks, no drinks w/ sugar/cal (but i love my fizzy drinks :c this is bullshit) - chew each bite 20-30 times, every meal should last a half hour (that’s normal for me anyway, i’m a slow eater but idk how i’m supposed to chew soup 20-30 times) - 30 min.s of activity/day (got that covered, chief) - go to support groups (no thanks, don’t wanna listen to other ppl complain and the idea of being open to other ppl,,, in real life, where they can see me? absolutely not, how dare you) - 64oz of liquid/day (is that not normal? i already drink that much, if not more) - only able to drink a shotglass amount of liquid at a time or risk vomiting (WAIT) - drink every 15 min.s, possibly even during the night (HANG ON) - no drinks w/ meals, stop drinking about 30 min.s before meal and don’t resume until 30 min.s after meal otherwise it will wash food away too quickly to be absorbed by tiny stomach (HOLD THE HECKIN’ PHONE)

at w/ that, the instructor ended the class b/c there were no questions. i was in shock. all i wanted to do was be like those tik tok kids that recreate meme images but i wanted to become the living embodiment of this gif:

literally, i looked over at my mom, who was sipping on a soda and scrolling through facebook for most of the class and went “nevermind, i don’t want surgery”.

i think she thought i was joking. she laughed and waved it off, but the... the existential dread i felt in that moment. this,,,, this was what old howard was shooting for when he wrote about all that cosmic horror. this feeling that i was the only one seeing the insanity in that classroom.... i was the only one that realized that it was madness. how would a person drink 64oz od liquid a day, broken down into 1oz at a time, but not w/n an hour of eating and also having to eat every four hours. that means you’d have to somehow shove 64oz, broken down to 4oz an hour, for 3 hours, then not drink anything for an hour, over only 16 hours. you couldn’t drink anything for 4 of those hours while you eat your tiny baby meals for your tiny baby stomach. i’m not great at math but it doesn’t seem physically possible to me and yet everyone in the class were just nodding their heads like “yes, of course old chap. perfectly reasonable.”

i’d rather continue to starve myself, and work-out. theoretically, if i continue to lose about 20 pounds a month, i will lose my goal weight by may 2020. sure it would be faster w/ surgery. it might be technically easier w/ surgery but everything in my mind tells me that the surgery is wrong. that it isn’t sustainable. i don’t want this surgery and i certainly don’t want the second stage of this surgery 10 yr.s down the road. if you think cutting 2/3 of your stomach out is upsetting, the image of the second step surgery in which they take that rough banana shape of a stomach and stretch it out into what is effectively, A STRAW. 

A STRAW.

and once more: A STRAW!!

i could get behind having a banana-shaped stomach, but a straw in which the food literally just,,, falls through you is grotesque. 

gonna be a big, fatty NOPE from me, chief. hard pass. 

[inktae]

⇢ veg update 2

I totally forgot I was going to do these.. so here you go, a little over three months since I took my decision of giving up meat. I know a few of you are interested, so here you go! :)

It has been three months since I decided to cut out meat cold turkey, and as someone who was only slightly obsessed with chicken and did not care about any other type of meat, I have to say that it has been fairly easy. I definitely do not recommend that for someone who eats meat more regularly (I only ate chicken and around 3 times a week) but turning vegetarian was the easiest choice I have ever made and I still stand by that.

I actually planned on being vegetarian for a few months, but less than a month after beginning my journey I had already cut out cow’s milk (another thing I wasn’t too much of a fan of, since it always made my stomach bloat even if it was lactose free) and was only eating egg very occasionally as I still tried to figure out how to eat - where and how to get the nutrients I needed for a healthy lifestyle. it took hours upon hours of research but I am proud to say that I have it somewhat figured it out now.

I went into it too scared, and I shouldn’t have! many people around me and online scared me about deficiencies that, honestly, can easily be taken care of, and you do not need to be a millionaire for that. what I have learned is that as long as you do your research and keep a somewhat regular check-up with your doctor (I was already used to this anyway, as someone who needs regular check-ups) you will be okay. of course, each body reacts differently, but personally speaking, I did not notice any crazy changes, nor I ever felt weak or like my body was lacking something. going into a healthy, fulfilling way of eating was absolutely essential for that.

for the longest time, before I ever considered it seriously, I thought about veganism and how would I eat were I to turn vegan. I only truly liked three foods: chicken, rice and pasta (yes, it was that bad), so that made me wonder: what the hell would I eat? would there be any options for me? would I have no other option but to starve? and since I could never figure it out, I always dropped the idea of veganism even though it has attracted me for more than a year, probably. 

but I slowly started changing my eating habits, trained my taste buds and introduced more vegetables into my diet, and the idea of veganism stopped being so far-fetched. still, there was tons of research I needed to do, and months of studying basic nutrition, reading countless meal plans and learning recipes and watching insightful videos have finally led to a huge amount of variety and color in my meals, way more than before, and looking back I can say that it was my very generalized view of veganism (the one portrayed by the media) what made me think in the first place that they only ate salads and expensive, organic foods haha.

just out of curiosity, I actually decided to follow my carbs, proteins and fats for a week (last week, actually) and I find it unbelievable how easily I can reach a healthy amount of each without looking too much into it. all I did was insert what I’d eaten throughout the day in an app and I find it insane how easily I reached past the 60g mark of protein (that’s actually a bit more than I should.. lol) this might be obvious for some, but for me it certainly wasn’t, especially with the countless questions I get about my supposed lack of protein / vitamins / etc, which inevitably made me doubt my choices more than once. no, peeps. I believed the same, but it is possible to eat a balanced diet as long as you are well informed! :) it is all about making sure that you’re eating a good amount of veggies (I like to eat a lot, so it makes me happy that I can make myself giant meals with veggies. I always go for broccoli, carrots, cauliflower and zucchini and I tend to eat them with a nice, spicy homemade sauce), fats (healthy / unsaturated fats are sooo important, please never cut them out. nuts are an amazing snack full of healthy fats!), carbs (even though they’re not really essential, they do help you feel energized and they can easily fill you for the day. besides, they’re yummy haha. basically cereals, rice, bread, homemade pizza, stuff like that), and of course, protein (lentils, beans and tofu. the latter is my weakness to be honest. I love love love tofu and how versatile it is! there are so many amazing recipes out there to make it delicious).

there is no need to splurge into expensive foods, either. if you want to eat a bunch of replacements, then yes, veganism will be an expensive lifestyle, but if you keep your replacements down to a handful (the only replacement I buy is vegan mayonnaise, and vegan cheese very occasionally. to give you an idea, they do not cost me more than 3 euros each) you will spend just as much as you would in a ‘normal’ lifestyle, if not less.

anyway, moving on - the positive changes I have noticed since late march are only a handful, but still very impactful:

I have gotten slimmer, though I would say it’s more like my body is going back to its natural weight. because of medical reasons and a certain pill I have been taking since 2012 for my body to function properly, I started putting on weight very fast, and it was something that was out of my control. ever since I started taking this pill I gained an amount of 10kg (22 pounds) throughout my university journey, and that excess I gained through the pill is what I have been trying to get rid of, which has become significantly easier with a vegan lifestyle. even though it has only been three months, I already lost more than half of it - 7 kilos, 15 pounds!! and I promise you that I have not been starving myself or anything remotely close. sometimes I even have five meals a day. :) it’s such a drastic change to a few crazy diets I tried out a couple years ago, which only consisted of tuna and whole wheat sandwiches. I’m glad I finally figured out how to eat a fuckton (there’s no other way to put it ahaha) while still being healthy and keeping to the amounts my body needs. I mainly owe that to veganism, because it’s what made me start studying nutrition and healthy eating in the first place.  

(quick disclaimer: I need to address that weight loss does not equal happiness / is not the only right way to live. besides becoming vegan, losing weight was also a personal goal of mine because of external factors I already explained - how more than losing a few pounds, I am just trying to go back to the natural weight I had before. and hey, even if you only want to lose a few pounds, that is also okay as long as you are doing it the healthy way. the choices I make are purely meant to look out for my body, not to damage it, and I would never ever encourage starving or restricting yourself too harshly (sometimes, a few moderate restrictions are needed, like I did with the crazy unhealthy snacking I had going on a few months ago). keeping your weight, wanting to lose some, striving to gain a few pounds - all of that is okay as long as you do it right and take care of yourself. the only thing that matters is that you are looking out for your body, whatever shape it is ^^)

another change - headaches, or should I say, the lack of. it is crazy to think that a few months ago I used to take two / three painkillers a week because my head was always killing me, with the occasional migraine that forced me to close all of the blinds and stay in the dark for a few hours, with no possibility of even checking my phone because all lights bothered me. I am so, so happy to say that that has changed, and it has probably been my favorite change of them all. so far I have only taken two painkillers in these three months. which, for me, is absolutely insane!! to know that those headaches that have been bothering me since I was 14 stemmed from an unhealthy diet is simply baffling. I had to go through so many brain scans trying to figure out why my head hurt so much all the time, when the solution was right in my face. I am just beyond relieved that I managed to figure it out. besides ethics, this is another big reason for me continuing with this lifestyle. I cannot go back to the crazy headaches, not now that I found the root of the problem, and especially not now that I figured out a way to eat that I enjoy and that helps me avoid migraines.

and lastly, I noticed I have way more energy than before. getting up early is not so much of a problem anymore. I have always been a night owl, but I am quickly becoming a morning person, which I never thought would ever happen ahaha. I do have my lazy days, and sometimes I go to the gym and I am unable to do more than twenty minutes of cardio, but for someone who is somewhat sedentary, I have to say that this change is huge, and I am really happy with it. I look forward to using this crazy energy I have much more, and hopefully develop more physical endurance, since I still have a bit of a hard time keeping up with exercise in general.

I am very proud of my choice overall, even though I’m still learning and adapting to this lifestyle (there are still many changes to be done, but that will come with time, no rush), and I still stand by the reasons I started doing this in the first place (basically all of them: ethics, the industry, the environment, and of course, health). as someone who has a hard time being consistent in general, the fact that I have kept this up taught me that I can be strong willed if I really want to be.

I also feel very passionate about showing people that veganism doesn’t have to be scary, and that not all vegans are like the ones that represent the lifestyle, who are sadly more toxic than anything. loud, obnoxious vegans will always be the ones heard above us quieter ones, and I just want people to know that not every vegan is self-entitled or arrogant or thinks they’re better than everyone else. at least in my case, I am just proud of my own journey and the choice I made for myself and for the animals. it has nothing to do with how I feel about other people or how they eat. hell, none of my friends are vegan and absolutely nothing has changed between us (well, except the places we go to eat haha). not gonna lie, I am always afraid of saying I’m into veganism because I fear it will make people see me in a bad light, when I have never had ill intentions. but I just hope this can change someday and that veganism stops being portrayed as extreme, as a ridiculous fad, as a cult - you get the point. I see it as something beautiful you’re doing for the Earth and for your body, nothing else. ^^

and if you are interested in the way I eat, I suggest checking out my instagram! I post the meals I make there (mainly to keep myself motivated to keep learning new recipes and such)  

(^^^^ the fact that I actually made that is still unbelievable to me. last year I almost burnt the kitchen while making coffee)

to finish up, if anyone is interested in veganism in general, besides famous documentaries like cowspiracy and forks over knives, there were two videos that really turned around my mindset. of course, there are small details I don’t really agree on, but the overall message of these videos is very impactful and they did push me towards doing more research on how to start transitioning to veganism. those videos are why I’m a vegan and reasons to go vegan. what I loved the most about these two videos is how unbiased both are - they present facts, not opinions, and they are not painfully blunt or offensive in any way. it’s your choice what to do with these facts, and I think that’s the main core of veganism - it all depends on how you feel and react towards these facts presented to you. I simply reacted by wanting to become vegan, and no one pressured me or brainwashed me in any way. I was presented with facts, I researched on them, found myself convinced by some things more than others, and when I had all the information compiled I decided what to do about it myself - no one did it for me. :)

this got way too long, sorry guys. but I hope that whoever read until this point found it somewhat insightful, my aim is always to help and to clarify myths of healthy eating and veganism. to conclude, I still stand by this decision being the best one I have taken in a long, long time, probably all my life. <3

[wanderinglotus7]

Good Morning, VIETNAM!

Let’s semi cross Vietnam off the list of places I’ve visited outside of Thailand. A group of friends and I traveled to Vietnam these past 6 days. Since our time was limited, we spent our time in the Northern region of the country. Most of our time was spent in Hanoi (the capital city of Vietnam), and we spent 2 days and 1 night in Ha Long. The plane rides and bus/taxi rides weren’t terrible except for the insane traffic. I thought traffic in Bangkok was horrible; Hanoi has Bangkok beaten so far. From land to sea, beeping and honking is the soundtrack of the people. Motorbikes cloistered the streets, alleys, and highways. Vietnamese drivers seem so reckless, but some people are reckless drivers in general doesn’t matter where they come from. I know riding in the taxis, I probably had about 20 mini heart attacks from the close calls we had; almost ramming in the back of buses and other vehicles, almost running over motorbike riders & pedestrians, tour boats crashing into each other coming into or exiting ports. Que the panic attacks.

The natural beauty of the north is remarkable. The rice fields in the midst of urbanization is a metaphor for how man and nature can coexist without one overpowering the other. The weather felt like heaven touching my soul. he average temperatures were between the 70s-low 80s degree Fahrenheit. My type of weather; reminds me of Virginia [which made miss home even more]. It rained a few times cooling things down even more. I’ve never been to places like Washington and Oregon, but from other individuals and some television shows/movies, Northern Vietnam reminds me of America’s Pacific West Coast. Then Ha Long Bay is drenched with multiple islands scattered among the sky blue water with a nice breeze tickling the skin. Like in Kanchanaburi, I felt so at ease and filled with peace. I found my serenity. 

Wondering around Hanoi, we found a quaint and cute vegan restaurant where I had my first authentic taste of vegan food. I discovered my new favorite type of tea: winter tea (fresh lemongrass and ginger tea). I’m a sucker for tea and it I was ecstatic by the many options of tea I could choose from and it wasn’t milk tea or over sweeten tea (not knocking my southern sweet tea or McDs’ sweet tea). My friend Alex could OD from caffeine because there are hundreds of coffee shops covering every inch of Hanoi. I like Thai food, but I’m getting tired of eating some kind of chicken or pork dish with rice. And I love spices, but my taste buds needed another flavor besides Thai spices and seasonings. Vietnamese food is delicious and you can see a Chinese influence within their cuisine which makes sense because Vietnam is so close to China anyway. My heart jumped with glee being able to eat fresh seafood and eating a real breakfast. When I mean a “real” breakfast I mean an IHop or Waffle House breakfast: omelettes, pancakes, french toast, bacon (but don’t eat the pork), cereal, and etc. I say don’t eat the pork because some of the pigs in Vietnam are dying from some disease that got imported into the country from South Africa. Instead of chicken or pork, chicken or beef. The beef is better than the beef sold in Thailand (and seems less questionable...). I recommend everyone who visits Vietnam to eat their Vietnamese sandwich called Banh Mi. They are sub sandwiches made with either pork, chicken, or beef (at some food stalls); they even have a vegetarian option as well.

Reeling it back in, we came across an old cathedral looking church, played a strategic board gamed called Splendor at a tucked away cafe & board game shop. Later that night, we checked out the local night market where we ate more good food and I became impulsive and selfish and bought a bunch of stuff. However, I didn’t do too bad because I purchased reasonable items and the currency (Dong) is cheaper than Thai baht. The goods are cheap, but made decently and in some good quality. I really didn’t have that much money, but having all those smaller bills in my possession made me a big BALLER! Unlike Bangkok, I did not see one pigeon in Hanoi, however, take a look at some of the menus around there and you’ll find the answer to why. I can’t lie, I did catch a case of baby fever; the children were so adorable I wouldn’t mind adopting a couple or I can imagine myself having a little blasian mini me. The locals are nice like the Thai locals. There were street dogs, but not too many that I could tell. Most of the dogs I saw were of pure breeds and on the small side (i.e. Yorkies, Poodles, Corgis, etc.). What made my day was seeing a black and white Husky puppy (that’s the next dog that I want in the future).

Ha Long reminds me of Virginia Beach; the board walk, strips of bars and restaurants, casino, fancy hotels, and a local amusement park nearby (i.e. SunWorld). While there we did the most tourist thing, we payed and enjoyed a 6-hour boat tour of Ha Long Bay. Fun Fact: the recent King Kong movie (with Samuel L. Jackson) was filmed in Ha Long Bay. The tour included a free lunch and snacks, activities, transportation, and many Instagram worthy photo opportunities. During the tour, we physically visited three islands. The first island contained the largest cave in the bay called Surprise Cave. The rock formations are cool and not too depressing. The second island we had two options: tour the island in a banana boat or kayak. I never been kayaking before so, I chose to Kayak. Kayaking gives your arms a good workout and requires teamwork to navigate the waters. I saw more wild monkeys this time nobody was attacked or harmed. The water was for sure cold, and my butt did get soaked but it was okay because I dressed appropriately. We ended the tour at TiTop Island. I was tired and wanted to relax. Instead of hiking to the top of the mountain, I stayed on the beach until it was time to return to our boat. If I google myself in the near future, I’ll probably find my image in various tourist photos. At one point, one woman took mutliple photos of me and Stacey on the beach with the woman’s friends and relatives. Strangely, she had me posing pretending to take selfies while she took photos of me (what ever floats her boat). I took a pleasant nap on the way back to the main port.

Later that evening, we explored the area. Went to some bars and played card games (even received a free beer from our hostel), ate some good pho soup (and other food). Meet a couple whom got engaged earlier that day and their friends, and participated in Karaoke with even more fun-loving strangers. The next day, before returning to Hanoi, we purchased tickets for SunWorld. We rode the world’s tallest cable car system, walked thru a beautiful zen garden, and a rode a mini “roller-coaster” ride (it’s much faster than what it appears to be). The views from the cable car were gorgeous! The journey from Ha Long to Hanoi is about 3 hours (wasn’t too bad); the bus wasn’t crapped and the seats were decently comfortable.

Honestly, I felt a bit more cultured when we returned to the city. We visited some museums: Vietnamese Women’s Museum and the Hoa Lo Prison Museum. I’m a woken feminist, so viewing the women’s museum really perked my interest and Vietnamese contributed and sacrificed a lot for the sake of their country. Through most of Vietnam’s history, women played major roles in fighting and trying to maintain their independence. Who says women can’t be bada****. Some of their most prominent leaders/rulers were women. At the prison, the Vietnamese people were brutally treated by the French. Men, women and children were imprisoned Hanoi’s hell. The prison was a death sentence for all prisoners; some individuals were able to escape, but those who did manage escape wither escaped and survived [which were few] or escaped, but their lives were immediately cut short once they tasted freedom. I also received another perspective on the Vietnam War which my Grandfather Donald Bailey fought. Always be skeptical because history can be interpreted in various ways depending on the person or group retelling the story. Sometimes the truth can hold some biases as well. Always double check your sources and facts. In addition, I made my first investment. I purchased an authentic piece of Vietnamese art signed by the actual artist. Kept in good condition it could be worth more money in the future, but I doubt I will ever sell it. Also, I purchased a handmade bamboo notebook from an indoor market. I can’t forget that I sat through my first jazz performance at a real jazz club. Jazz music isn’t my top choice (R&B/Soul #1), but I like jazz if I’m in the mood. The atmosphere of the club was sick; wish I can remember the name of the club, but it did take us a while to find the location of the club because it was hidden behind the opera theater. And Shannon found a restaurant that sold delicious Mexican food (lucky for us because it was Taco Tuesday).

Beneath the beauty, I witnessed the ugly. Violence against women is real y’all. Walking back to our hostel, we witnessed a group of citizens intervene in a could’ve been deadly situation. A woman was being followed a strange man carrying a knife. I’m not sure of all the details; apparently the man was making unwanted advances towards a passing a woman and she rejected him. I guess he didn’t like that so, he decided to follow her with a knife. Some people noticed what was happening and went after the guy. The woman was unharmed, the group was able to remove the weapon and led the man to a near by police station. On another night, a group of [drunk] 8-10 men try to encircle me; two men had the nerve to grab and yank on my arm. Luckily, I was able to tear myself from them and get away. I was so close to bustin some heads open if they didn’t let go of my arm or kept trying to entrap me (and we were close to an alleyway..I’m not about that life). Seriously, I don’t need anymore trauma in my life. Not just women, but everyone should be careful because anything can happen (hopefully they don’t).

With God’s fortune (grace) maybe in 3 or 4 years I’ll return to Vietnam and explore the Southern region. I can see more of what my grandfather witnessed during the war and learn more the war and the country’s history. I may discover another side of Vietnam (pretty or ugly).

[thedalishelves]

Hey! I saw that you were vegan and I have a bit of a problem that maybe you could help with (or not, it's cool either way). I have wanted to change my diet to be a vegan for the longest time, but my parents just deadass don't respect it? I'm young, so I live with my parents and I eat what they cook and etc, and when I expressed the desire to be vegan, or at least vegetarian, they ignored me. Sometimes I have to go days w/o eating bc they cook meat n such. Any tips or is this unfixable for now?

first of all that’s really cool that u wanna go vegan and thank you for asking me!! i dealt with this too! i first went vegetarian when i was 13 and my parents convinced me to just give up red meat. after about two months i excused myself from the dinner table one night and just sobbed in the bathtub for like 20 minutes because i felt so bad about eating a chicken. after that they realized how Extra i am about this and reluctantly let me do my thing (with some persuading from me: tips will follow)

also this is gonna be long sorry omg this is what happens when ppl ask me about being vegan jfdkshafks i’m putting it under a cut just bc it would literally take up people’s entire dash

so i’d recommend going vegetarian first for sure. it’s what i always recommend anyway. slowly phasing out animal products will help SO MUCH with adjusting and cravings. i was vegetarian for 4 years before i went vegan! but for you specifically it’ll expand the amount of stuff you can eat that your parents make. meat is the staple in a lots of families’ meals, but i’m guessing they’ll often make a little side dish or something? eat a lot of that!! 60% of what i ate was the green beans and rice my mom always made for a side dish

ask to help your parents with cooking! try to separate your food whenever possible. so like if they’re making spaghetti with meat sauce (gross ik my dad always used to make it), just say you’d prefer it without the sauce and grab a little bowl before it’s mixed in with the meat. (i used to add butter to it.) basically just any dish that could be vegetarian: take a little serving before the meat is added. i did this all the time and it gave me a lot of good meals (another example in case this is vague: i’d scoop a bit of salad into my bowl before my mom added bacon to it)

also i found it really helpful to ask for VERY cheap vegetarian/vegan foods. i’d always ask my dad to buy beans and lentils and because they’re like 50 cents a can or whatever, he couldn’t reasonably say no. (these are so versatile, even if you don’t know how to cook. making a bean salad is so easy and i used to eat them all the time! also AMAZING source of protein and iron and so much other good stuff)

there are also quite a few sneaky “accidental” vegan foods that you can request from the grocery store that won’t make your parents think: ‘ugh she’s a vegan now.’ some examples: oreos, most cake mixes (there’s lots of recipes online where u just add water and/or soda!!), loads of different chips, many cereals (if u eat them dry), instant ramen (even the ones that say beef and chicken). i know that’s a lot of junk food, but there’s also some healthier(ish) prepackaged meals: this list is good (even though peta is a garbage company i reluctantly admit they have good resources sometimes) (it’s american centric tho but there’s loads of these lists online!). since i’m guessing you don’t go grocery shopping so you aren’t able to look at the labels, you can look it up online and ask your parents to buy it (and you can do this in an indirect way if they’re not cool with it, like ‘hey can u buy the sweet spicy chili doritoes instead of the other flavour next time i like it better’ that kinda thing)

so those are some tips on how to get some food! you should also ask for multivitamins since if you’re basically going to be picking and choosing what your parents put in front of you then you might miss out on crucial vitamins that is otherwise easy for vegans to get if they’re picking their own food.

obviously the ideal thing here would be to get your parents to be on your side!! i have no idea what your relationship with your parents is like so this might not be applicable at all, but in case it is i’ll give you some tips that worked for me.

the best thing that worked for me in the beginning was that i promised i’d cook my own food. as a wee 13 year old, my mom still made my lunch but i asked her for just a plain cheese sandwich and she was okay with that. for dinner, she’d still make the same old side dishes that i could eat, but if she was making chicken, i’d fry up my own tofu or put a couple veggie dogs in the microwave. i don’t think she’d have let me be vegetarian if she had to cook my stuff separate for me. (also, by the time i was vegan i was so used to cooking my own food i just made all my own meals and had gotten good at it by that point!)

at first i just explained to my parents that it was unbearable for me to eat animals. like i literally could not put it into my mouth unless they essentially force fed me. (once again, i was super extra) as my anecdote at the beginning explained, they saw how serious i was lmao. however, my mom did not understand me being vegan until very very recently!!! over the years i’ve casually mentioned various facts about the meat and dairy industry that have opened her mind a bit. and she’s even stopped eating pigs now!! i always find it helpful to say that i do it for multiple reasons: for animals, for the environment, and my health. that usually gets through to people because they realize i’m not just doing some dumb trend or whatever. if at all possible, show them a documentary?? i’m guessing they’d be like ‘hell no’ but just in case (and for your benefit too!) my favourite is cowspiracy (on netflix). it has changed SO MANY meat eaters’ minds!! (the documentary maker was a meat eater too!)

but i realize how engrained this is in certain cultures. my dad is italian and by this point (after 10 years) he realizes that being vegan is a sustainable diet (which he didn’t believe before) but i think he’d rather die than give up meat. and my other side is polish which means their diet is basically carbs and meat and carbs with meat. none of my extended family understand what the hell i’m on about. it’s very frustrating but if you stick with your resolve to not eat meat then they’ll eventually realize you’re serious and maybe make one dish for you at christmas instead of just giving you a piece of bread

if they REALLY are against you going vegetarian, then i obviously absolutely cannot recommend that you starve. you can always go vegetarian/vegan when you move out, and that wouldn’t be your fault at all!! a compromise might be to go pescatarian or even just cut out red meat. (though if you’re anything like me this might not end well haha. it’s worth trying though as a last resort)

i know it’s such a tough situation!!! my sister is vegan too and literally EVERY DAY we text each other about how ignorant and disrespectful our family members are about this. it’s something pretty much every vegan goes through i think, because there are some WACK ideas about eating animals and those who choose not to.

so tl;dr: if you can, try to tell your parents honestly how you feel and try to give them facts. offer to cook your own meals. ask to help your parents cook so you can try to make the food vegetarian. request foods from the grocery store that are a) cheap and/or b) accidentally vegan.

i really hope this helped!!! i was so scared and overwhelmed when i first when vegetarian and had no idea what the fuck i was doing and it makes everything so much worse when your family is unsupportive. i truly wish u the best and please come to me with any follow up questions!!!

[dianesdiscoveries]

Taking the Car and the Train Amtrak’s Auto Train from Florida to Virginia

Eighteen months ago, I gradually drove down the east coast from Long Island, ending up at my childhood friend’s home 15 minutes west of Lorton, VA, home of the northern end of the Amtrak Auto Train run to Sanford, FL, near Orlando. I was moving temporarily to Florida after my last job contract in Poughkeepsie had ended.  As someone who is not a fan of driving (I get tired after two hours behind the wheel), the Auto Train is a God-send.  Not only does it cut out about 18 hours of driving, it allowed me to pack my car full of my belongings and mail down a few boxes of clothes and books. Since I neither had nor needed any furniture, it was a great way to move to another state and still have most of my stuff with me.  As an AAA member I could also claim a discount on the price.  

Since I frequently travel to Europe on 8-to-12 hour flights, I am used to sleeping in restricted spaces on airplanes, so I opted for the bargain price that coach provides, rather than paying for a private sleeper car.  Granted, I would love to have been able to lay down flat and shut the door to outside noise, sharing a space that I would much rather spread out on, but while bringing my car with me and booking my AAA rate far enough in advance, my cost was a mere $300 for everything—which included dinner, dessert and coffee and tea available all day and all night.  A lounge next to the dining car offered the chance to purchase small bags of pretzels or chips, alcoholic drinks, soda, and a few other items.

I was lucky on the way down to Florida in early December – a time when snowbirds are not usually heading down, since they either go down before Thanksgiving or wait until after New Year’s Day—I was able to snag a seat with an empty seat next to mine and have a relatively large area to call my own.  Two reclining seats with both window and aisle advantage, allowed a decent night’s sleep, though it was the last leg of a week-long journey of two-hour drives, so the final two-hour drive from Sanford to my new temporary home with relatives was tiring.  I don’t know how much better the sleeper cars can be for getting a good night’s rest.  But there are safety belts on the beds to prevent injury from a fall out of bed if the train were to lurch.  

This trip, leaving the comfort and security of a nice home to start a new phase of life, possibly as a nomad, it was May, just before mother’s day weekend.  Snowbird city.  All the retired moms and grandmas heading north to be there just in time to celebrate their role in the family.  So the seats were pretty packed. Spreading out in the less expensive seats would not be possible, for me at least, though there were some people (usually close to the stairways, I discovered), who had two empty seats together.  Seats are assigned, and even though most people traveling alone ask for an empty seat next to them, it is more likely to get that arrangement when sitting in a location that is not ideal or that experiences frequent disruptions. Boarding the train began at 2:30 p.m. and after engines and train cars are all connected, with autos all loaded up into their special cars, we left at 4 p.m.

The dining car is the closest I have gotten–so far–to the dream of traveling on the Orient Express. Linen cloths on the tables dress things up. Glass pitchers filled with water and unsweetened iced tea and four clear plastic cups are set in the middle of the table.  The menu on a card in the center includes a tasty selection of one beef, one chicken, one fish, vegetarian pasta, and desserts that include New York cheesecake with a choice of chocolate or strawberry topping, and a vanilla ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup (it did say whipped cream, but this trip there was none.  On the way down, yes, there was cream on top).  

I always opt for the 5 p.m. dinner, because my lunch is usually not much more than a cheap sandwich or some snack food.  Also, the tables are freshly set and the rest of the trip can be free for hanging out online (when the wifi works), reading a book, checking the phone or trying to sleep. Other dining times are 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.  The 7 p.m. slot fills up fast, so the best bet is to check-in early if that’s your best time, or to skip lunch so you’re hungry at 5 p.m, or the opposite—eat a big lunch so you are not hungry until 9.  

At dinner, I met three other women traveling alone–all do this regularly. There was some consensus that more often than not (and again, timing is everything), they can score two empty coach seats to themselves. One woman, Brenda, asked how she could guarantee a double seat, and was told she would have to pay for two seats. Another woman, Michelle, said that she normally gets the extra seat, except for once.  And that was enough for her not to risk it again.  She bought a seat for herself and a half-price seat for her granddaughter who is under the age of 12, except that her granddaughter did not accompany her.  So she got the two seats for just half the cost of another seat.  A loophole to be sure, but for her it worked. However, it may not work for others.

The lounge area, between the coach seating and the dining car, has large round booths or small tables for two-to-four and people hang out there having beer, wine, playing cards, and people-watching. It offers the chance to socialize with fellow passengers and a bartender on hand to serve drinks and sell snacks, and keep the tea and coffee area service going.  Flat screen televisions in the lounge were not turned on, but I was told they were once used for showing new-release movies. I hear that those who wanted to watch were competing with those who wanted to socialize, and now, with wifi, and digital devices, airlines and Amtrak are doing away with their on-board entertainment – which is a cost-saving strategy.  Paying royalties is expensive.

Morning comes fairly quickly, if you manage a decent night’s sleep, with breakfast service beginning at 6 a.m. on a first-come, first-served basis.  Mini-bagels, croissants and coffee cakes are set on the table along with butter and cream cheese packets. A limited assortment of individual mini-cereals are available with four small containers of milk and a banana at each place.  Coffee and decaf are distributed by waiters. Tea is also offered, but I got mine at the lounge.

As most seating in coach is on an upper level, with a very narrow, twisting stairway in each car (rest rooms are at the bottom of the stairs), special seating for those who can’t climb stairs is closer to bathrooms (and probably more likely to experience disturbances in the night).  But those on the bottom level also have the option of ordering meals to be brought to their seats, since the dining cars are also upstairs.  

Sleeper cars have their own dining cars or passengers can have meals brought to their rooms.  Sleeper car roomettes include beds with bathrooms nearby, while sleeper car bedrooms have private toilets and showers.  I never got a chance to check them out, personally, but one of these trips, I hope to have the privacy and the chance to lie down flat en route.

We arrived on time at 9 a.m. in Lorton, VA, though we were told the local train traffic may sometimes cause delays. I overheard people discussing how long of a wait it might be to get their cars.  My seatmate, who makes it a practice to arrive at the station at the last minute (well 2 p.m.—not recommended if you want 7 p.m. meals or in case of a problem on the way to the station), swore her car would come out first because she was one of the last to arrive.  She waited no longer than a half hour before she was on her way.  I am one of those people who tries to arrive as early as possible to the station, and for that I may have paid the price of waiting 2 ½ hours for my car to come out. Yes it was one of the last few cars to be unloaded. Others on board said it was not so predictable, and perhaps that is true for those who arrive somewhere in the middle of the check-in period.  Not too early, not too late, but somewhere in between.  

In spite of having slept about four hours, I found myself still tired while driving north on the Washington DC highways, which I don’t recommend doing if possible.  For that reason, I arranged to visit a friend overnight in that area and to leave for New York the following day, after a good night’s rest.