#found out because a friend of mine decided to do Duolingo in front of me

[yeyayeya]

I was today years old when I found out the proper name for pen in Spanish is “bolígrafo”

[kitschcats]

I Don’t Know How to Title My Posts

You know, the thing about writing is that you’re never quite sure where to begin. You can have all these pent-up ideas buzzing around the inside of your head, banging at the walls and demanding to be let out. But you can just as easily be at a loss for how.

Luckily, through the power of word vomit and occasional use of the backspace key, I managed to get that last paragraph down and into words. And hopefully that’s what I will continue to be doing for the entirety of the rest of this post.

As of writing this it is 2:27 PM. I had a breakfast of 6 slices of buttered toast (if you can do it with pancakes, then why not toast?) earlier, accompanied by the same book I’ve been reading for the last month. I know, a month? Younger me would have been horrified. She could bulldoze through all seven books of Harry Potter within a week--Order of the Phoenix included. My mum chides me for it too, but she knows that I am, at the very least, reading again. And no matter how long you take, you’re still reading. (I think she’s guilty of the same, too.)

I used to tell her I didn’t have time to read (yes, I know) and she told me off for it. At the time I felt that was unnecessary, but looking back I now agree with her wholeheartedly. You make time to read, and even if you try your damnedest and just can’t seem to squeeze a minute of reading in between the blocks of class and work and sleep in your daily schedule, there’s still a few golden minutes of the day left you can cram a few pages of a book into--over a meal. (On the train, too, of course. It’s why I don’t dread my daily commute as much anymore--it’s precious reading time. Bright side of things, right?) It’s what I do every day. Granted, not every meal, but every day at least, whenever I’m staying in to eat. I grab my copy of Tom Robbins from its permanent spot on the dining table (where it’s also most convenient, because I wouldn’t be reaching for it any other time nor anywhere else), and read, the book wide-open and its spine stretched, standing up balanced against the edge of my plate. French music plays in the background.

(I should really remember to take pictures of these. In my next entry, I hope.)

One of these days, I hope to be implementing a lot of the books I’m reading and plan to read into this blog in some way--reviews of each one after I’m finished, maybe, and maybe I’ll compile them all into one big masterlist to which I regularly update. That would be nice. A little hint on what I’m reading: immortality, time-shifting, and perfume.

My to-do list:

write this post

update my theme (finally something I’m happy with)

do some studying (history/geo, because their papers are closest lol)

past years (if only I could strike this through)

brush up on my Japanese today, do a little more katakana practice (and try out Memrise, because Duolingo sucks)

refresh emails religiously (AFS will be the death of me)

Speaking of AFS--yeah. This all-expenses-covered 6 month exchange to Japan that I applied for sometime ago, back in September. I think about it when I first wake up and rush to my inbox, when I’m in the shower, when I’m lying in bed at night and can’t sleep--needless to say, I really want to go. I have been wanting to, for the longest time. Results are finally on their way now, but they’re announcing shortlisted candidates for the interviews state-by-state and they are taking an excruciatingly conveniently long time to get to mine, being Damansara (they split KL/Selangor into four chapters, can you imagine the sort of competition?).  They’ve been at it since yesterday, and I, like everyone else, thought they’d have been done with it yesterday, but it looks like they’re continuing it well into the next day (being today). And they were doing it with regular intervals of about a couple minutes in-between up until midway through, alright, and they were going in geographic order until they decided to stop the pattern ////right//// before my state was due, and now I have no idea whether I should be looking out for the next post, or the one after, or the one after. Nor do I know when.

Not to be dramatic, but this could very well be one of the most torturous experiences I have ever had the misfortune to be put through. But hey, it’ll all have been worth it if I see my name on the list, wouldn’t it? 

(If.)

On a happier note, I may be heading out later tonight am heading out later tonight to catch a free screening of The Killing of a Sacred Deer--Lanthimos movie. I’ve been meaning to see The Lobster for a while--a moment of silence for all the poor, unwatched movies on my watchlist on Letterboxd, all steadily collecting metaphysical dust--but I’ve just never gotten around to it. Shame, too, it was showing last night, but I only found out about this place this very afternoon. (Thank you, Facebook.)

So a lot has happened since I saved this as a draft and got up to once again face the real world, interrupting my train of thought mid-blog against my will--some errands were run, dinner was made (bolognese, and over some 10 pages of my book, of course), and very spontaneous plans were agreed to (hence the strikethrough of the maybe earlier). I met with an old friend for some catch-up over the movie. (The power of Instagram stories and a simple-but-effective ‘someone teman pls’, right?)

I'm writing this now from a front-row sofa in a quaint little top-floor bar, projector ahead of me and warm bowl of popcorn ready, a hidden gem among shoplots in the midst of Taman Desa, and it is 8:47 PM. Free screenings every Friday and Saturday? Needless to say, I'm certainly coming back. In time as a regular, I hope. (They even played Kubrick the other night--The Shining!)

The movie starts in 4 minutes. Expect a review soon.

What I'm listening to (courtesy of the bar's playlist): okay, no song today. I tried to get Adam to Shazam what was playing, but no luck--nothing came up. (And I forgot to ask about a playlist on spotify on my way out I am a FOOL next show!)

[working-on-becoming-a-better-me]

Day 1– July 13, 2020

Today I woke up at 7:50 something... and then went back to bed.  It’s alright though, I’m glad I let myself get more sleep!

OVERALL:

- Environment  - I didn’t take a shower today!  Yikes she kinda stinky <3  - I didn’t waste much AC today, like I never left it on when I wasn’t using it or nearby...

- Fitness  - Didn’t hit 12,000 steps (didn’t even make 5K)  - didn’t do the workout routine... but honestly not mad or upset.  I was too tired today and I RESPECT that for myself

SORRY OMG BRADY POTTER IS ADORABLE I CANT I CANT I CANT

- Sleep  - VERY MINIMAL I TOOK A NAP BUT NAPS DURING THE DAY JUST DONT WORK FOR ME  - might try and post first thing the day after while updating throughout?  Because I think it results in me staying up later to conclude the post (okay, but I’d still be watching Brady... but if I found the will and managed to quit, I’d still need to write this)

- Mindset  - I kinda tried... but didn’t do much

- Food  - Ate ramen when I wasn’t that hungry, but not bad!

- Beauty  - completed the easiest morning and night routines ever– lotion and sunblock in the morning and lotion at night

- Study  - just the SAT prep center!

- DIdn’t do Duolingo or read or write or anything...

- I had my google home play my morning routine, which included the news.  Typically, I tune it out, but today, I turned it louder so I could even listen while getting ready in my bathroom out in the hall

- I used lotion and sunblock after washing my face!  Even brushed my hair a bit– and then decided that I could care less (I care about my appearance only to the extent that I don’t want to look like a total slob.  I strive to look acceptable, which is enough for me!) - I ate a handful of chex mix and a packet of hello panda crackers (yum!) for breakfast before heading to SAT prep

- It was pretty boring... I tried to actively listen, but it was really easy for me and I didn’t understand why he only went over two and a half test taking strategies (one was literally ‘guess and check’ (counting that as a half...) when we had two hours for the lesson...

- I paid attention to my posture during this and got really tired, but it’s the little things!

- I had a pretty sour attitude today though, because instead of meeting me downstairs, my mom and sister had me take the subway twenty minutes to where they were and I am so directionally insane and sometimes tear up when I get lost and confused (I start to breathe rapidly and panic and it’s not fun)   - lunch wasn’t very good for me either, so that didn’t help with me trying to be more positive

- Even though I was upset, I made an effort to be civilized– not that I’m ever uncivilized in front of my parents– I took out my airpods, I tried to start conversations, I thanked my mom for buying lunch - We went home and I collapsed on the sofa immediately

- I put on Our Planet, a documentary on Netflix!  I like documentaries, but I’m so weakwilled I’ll often just choose something more fun to watch   - I immediately fell asleep though!

- I woke up, spoke a bit to my parents and sister, then made my favorite meal of instant noodles!  I waited until I was actually hungry to eat, but I could’ve eaten something else.  Throughout the day, I was craving instant noodles, but after I woke up, I didn’t really have a hankering for it.  Nevertheless, I committed and ate it.  Now I’m really full, so I could’ve gone for a lighter and, possibly, healthier option...   - I had some chocolate milk and OMG I LOVE CHOCOLATE MILK <3   - Made plans with a friend!  She asked to hang out and I suggested we bring another friend   - I love people but am an introvert.  I’ve rejected too many people this summer and I feel like I should make an effort in these friendships, so I’m proud of myself!  Not that they should feel like a burden, but I’m very content with just seeing my friends in and after school and only hanging out with my closest friends outside... but it’s not the same for others, and I want to make sure my friends are happy as well!

- I submitted an application for a writing thing some classmates of mine started!  I’m not really friends with either of them, so I hesitated.  I’ve had my application ready to go for over a week, but was too nervous to submit it.  But I did today!  It’s to be on a team with them to manage a website they created for young writers.  The deadline’s tomorrow, but at least I didn’t chicken out and not submit at all!  Better late than never!

- I’m literally on my toilet right now writing this (awkward).  I always waste the most time in my bathroom (15 minutes brushing teeth while reading, sitting on the shower floor watching another netflix episode even though one just ended, watching youtube on the toilet, procrastinating in washing my face because I can’t close my eyes and miss any part of what I’m watching!)   - not a waste of time though (haha, waste :)), because I’m updating this and holding myself accountable!   - AC in my room is on though :( I leave the door to that open and sometimes leave my bathroom door open (when I’m alone on the floor, since the third floor is just for me and my sis) because it’s hot, sue me.     - but actually, I am sort of wasting electricity because I can only kind of feel it from here

Will continue updating and will post before I go to bed (it’s 7:20pm right now), but I didn’t spend much of today being actively positive :( I recognized I was in a bad mood in the afternoon, but did little to correct it– I did the bare minimum of not being rude so I didn’t get in trouble...

- After I went back down to the living room, I most definitely was not productive!  I looked at ways to create diy candes and sent a ton of memes to my friends (I literally have a mailing list... I send all my memes to three people, all my twilight and atla things to two people, marvel things to three, school related and friend focused memes to my group chat...)   - I’m genuinely researching the best ways to make candles (minimal mess, double boiling method) look at her go!

- I’m in bed now!  Been watching Larray on youtube because I got back into the Dolan twins and saw they collabed... and then I lowkey fell in love with Larri’s boyfriend Brady Potter I– their relationship is so cute I can’t.  I’ve smiled so much but am so envious!  I know envy is better than jealousy, but it still sounds kinda negative, I’m so... proud of them?  And also just really want that for myself.  Bruhh, I can’t... Brady is so good looking and his personality is great I– I–

- Earlier I brushed my teeth, flossed, washed my face, and put on lotion YES LETS GET IT

goals (more immediate ones!):

- sleep more!

- get out more!

- do something about them candles

- wake up earlier!

- DRINK MORE WATER

[sagevalleymusings]

Internet Addiction is Real (even when you use it to write about internet addiction)

In October 2015 I started a video game ban that lasted six weeks, and ended around this time that year actually. I didn’t post my reflections about it then, partly because it felt self-aggrandizing and partly because people were kind of shitty when I announced my video game ban, saying things like that they found the internet an important way of connecting with people and that they were going to spam me with videos of puppies now. And yes, it was kind of shitty to say these things to me because their forthrightness that they didn’t have a problem with social media or the internet didn’t change the fact that I do. It’s at minimum rude that not one but three of my friends thought the appropriate response to my struggle was not only to tell me that I didn’t have a legitimate struggle but to say that they were going to undermine my efforts to better myself. 

And it did feel like I’d bettered myself. In 2015, in six weeks, I had: 

Completed two books, and started two others. 

Made my bed every single day

Started exercising intermittently

Learned how to cook two completely new dishes to great success

Been more productive at work

Finished unpacking my bedroom from moving in four months ago

Wrote a published piece on Patheos

Painted my nails twice (something I used to enjoy a lot)

It was actually surprisingly difficult, especially at first. I was spinning my wheels trying to do something that wasn’t video games, and coming up surprisingly short frequently. I tried getting back into whittling, which there was simply not conducive space for; I tried writing daily, which was exhausting and had many of the same pitfalls, as it was still extended periods of time in front of a monitor. But six weeks later, I felt lighter, more productive, and more present. Ultimately, I think this was an important exercise. A reminder that when a want becomes a need, it ceases to serve you. 

But now I find myself falling into the same patterns that I’d gotten into in 2015. I spend almost all of my time in front of a computer screen. I work at a computer with unfettered access to the internet and very little structured work, get home, and hop on the computer. I alternatively work and play on the computer from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. I am in front of a monitor of some kind, for nearly 14 hours every single day. 

Is this a bad thing? I don’t live near most of my friends anymore, but they’re on Facebook. I don’t have a TV but I can get news and entertainment from the internet. I am not the kind of person to bash new technology for the sake of its strangeness. But here’s the thing: the biggest detriment for me from this kind of access to the internet, to social media, to the entire compendium of human knowledge and endless possibility, is that it prevents me from completing. 

Being able to change tasks to literally anything means that I do change tasks to literally anything. If I don’t want to do the laundry, I can just pick up Flight Rising. If I don’t want to do the dishes, I can snag Monster Super League. If I don’t want to finish my art project, there’s always Pokemon Go. If I don’t want to work on the budget spreadsheet, I can take Office Specialist training. If I don’t want to schedule meetings, I can look up the menu on this restaurant to make sure the receipt is within regulation. If I don’t want to write, I can practice Spanish on Duolingo.

Even when the thing I’m doing is still work, the issue isn’t that I’m not doing work, but that I’ll get five feet from the finish line and change tasks every time. It’s that my brain has somehow decided that being rewarded for starting something new is more important than finishing something old, because that’s how the internet works, so that’s how the world works. 

Modern internet culture has no end. There is no finale. Movies that do well get unplanned sequels. Shows that were supposed to end in Season Five get extended to Season Thirteen and die a slow death after everyone has gotten way too sick of it to care. Facebook will literally scroll forever, as will Twitter, Tumblr, Netflix, and Youtube. Games have switched from stories to live services - experiences that are only loosely connected to the vaguest semblance of a plot, and gameplay that you can interact with daily for literally the rest of your life (or until the server goes down). 

And so, like layers, my modern interactions with the internet just built on top of one another. Unlike when I could play Legend of Zelda and then Super Mario 64 and then Prince of Persia consecutively, I would start Pokemon Go, continue doing that, pull up Monster Super League, continue doing that, pull up Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, The New York Times, Flight Rising, YouTube, ad nauseum until checking every “daily” that I had to do went from taking one hour to taking six, or eight, or ten. I feel like I’m constantly trying to “catch up” in order to complete whatever facet of the internet I’d started, while not realizing that they update faster than I could possibly catch up. It’s a common joke in people my age that we’re in a perpetual cycle of promising to catch up with friends. But with the way Facebook rewards shallow, brief, constant interaction, is it really that this is a product of my age, or is it a product of my time? Fifty years ago, did you say the same thing, or did you just write a letter? 

Hell, even texting as the alternative to phone calls is just surface-level constant interaction. And yet a text “conversation” takes about five times longer than a phone call, but we justify it because it “doesn’t get in the way” so we’re all doing three things at once, all of the time, because we don’t have time for any of them. I can justify my 14 hours of screen time because I’m gaming, writing, and socializing, while there’s a load of laundry in the wash, and dishes drying in the rack. And that argument makes so much sense until the tasks I’m juggling become less and less significant and more a waste of time. Facebook is genuinely a waste of time if I’m scrolling past 50 different memes that 19 of my friends have shared when the point was supposed to be the people that shared them. It took me I think two weeks to notice that a friend of mine was having a serious emotional issue because I couldn’t hear it through all the social media trash that builds up like oceanic microplastic that you can’t even see but still swallow anyway.

So what do you do? Stop playing games I enjoy and have made friendships from? Cut out social media in my life and consequently stop talking to important friends? Block time wasters on my work computer even though the issue isn’t any one time waster but the way it re-wires my brain to start new tasks in the middle of old ones?

I don’t know what the solution is ultimately. But really all I’m doing is wasting time. I’m writing this at work. I know I’ll have neither the “time” nor the motivation to write this at home. And I’m only writing this instead of doing something more toxic and less valuable because my boss caught me on Facebook today.

So when I say I have a problem relationship with the internet, if your response is to become defensive about that, maybe ask yourself if that defensiveness means that you, too, are only one more clickbait article away from being the kind of person who has to change their Facebook password to a random key mash just to stop themselves from checking it on the clock, and yet can’t motivate themselves to do work instead. 

[virginiamurrayblog]

La bella de Luanda

For me, much of the process of taking photos is about control; controlling the light, the model, the technicality of the camera, the tripod, making sure the films are loaded correctly. But mainly it is about imprinting my own vision of the world on someone, on something or on a landscape.

This summer, I was invited to do a 5-week residency in Angola with Ela Espaço Luanda Arte. At the beginning, I didn’t really want to go. The logistics were very complicated, the dates, the visa process, and beyond everything I had just moved back to my beloved city of Dakar! I was having a fling with a very handsome man and I didn’t want to leave. I remember this work of Sophie Calle called Exquisite Pain; it’s about her going to do a residency in Japan and she absolutely doesn’t want to go. She forced herself to go yet made it as painful as possible by convolutedly taking the train from Paris to Tokyo.

This is how I felt about going to Luanda. I had to go to South Africa for a show before, and then after months of tergiversation, I finally arrived in Luanda on July 2. I was so worried when I arrived at customs carrying over 6 cameras in my bag and a load of medium format and 35 mm films. Custom always makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel as if I were carrying arms and munitions, maybe because in some countries this is how cameras are seen: the weapons of the dissidents.

The first feeling you have about a new place is very important. Mine happened 22 minutes or so after I landed. I walk out of the airport and someone was waiting for me with a name card.,He took my suitcase, we exchanged salutations in my unspoken Portuguese and his non-existent English, and at that exact moment, I was like “what the fuck am I doing here?”. My life is complicated enough without having to come to this unknown country, where I don’t speak the language and where I don’t understand any of the cultural cues… Sophie got to Tokyo, I got to Luanda….

The first few days were tough, I was supposed to work with my driver, a former Angolan policeman named Correia. He was constantly wearing very tight jeans, a beautiful, blue, red and white belt, and always kept his sunglasses even inside. He looked more like a 1980s star out of the Kassav band than a policeman… We were trying to figure out a short narrative that he use to talk to the women I wanted to photograph. We did this few times, and I quickly realized that if this guy came talking to me, next to this neurotic and gesticulating foreigner (me), I would probably believe that the two of them just ran out of a madhouse…

Luckily I met a young photographer who agreed to become my translator. We worked together for maybe two days before heading to Kikolo market on the third.

My working process is very instinctive. Sometimes, I see a woman and follow her for 15 minutes before I decide that I don’t want to photograph her, so I just turn away without ever talking to her. Other times, the impulse is so strong that I can literally jump in front of someone as they walk passed. Sometimes, I just see a wall and think how beautiful this wall is, and how wonderful it would be if the perfect lady walked by and then it happens just like that! The gods just conspire to fulfill my imagination.

So on my day in Kikolo market, the gods were indeed with me; leading my steps to this perfect blue wall, and the perfect girl came by. My translator spoke to her, explained her my project and she agreed to pose on the wall. I had barely finished the photos when two armed men were next to me and asked me to follow them…

Turns out I was photographing a police station, an act that is highly forbidden in this country that went through 27 years of civil war… Blue is my favorite color, and in Angola it is also the color of every police station.

The policemen were nice but short, and they asked us to call my driver. When Correia came, they put me back in the car with eight armed guys, informing us to drive to another police station. I thought: “Jeez, I’m going to jail”! I felt like a real criminal, squeezed on the back seat between Kalashnikovs, with no understanding of single spoken Portuguese word despite practicing every evening with my Duolingo application… I was already sending frantic messages to a friend in Paris, so that if I ever went to jail she could reach some important people and work for my release. I can be dramatic sometimes.

My mind was racing, trying to imagine what jails are like in Angola. When we finally got to the other stations, I realized that my armed companions just needed a free ride and wanted nothing to do with me! I got released within 30 minutes, after a policeman had forced me to open my film camera. He simply couldn’t understand that I wasn’t using a digital camera and was convinced the images were hidden somewhere in the object. After that, I swore to myself that I would never photograph a blue wall in Angola again.This also gave me a good reason to start smoking again, so I asked Correia for a cigarette. Fortunately, asking for cigarette is something you can mimic in every language…

The following day, I was almost loosing it. I relapsed in my bad smoking habits, I had lost my god sent snaps from the day before, and the project I had in mind before coming simply wasn’t taking shape as I imagined. More anxiously, I was scared to go out and shoot again. The logistics were beyond complicated and I had no control whatsoever on anything. Even buying bread was an adventure… Yet, there was also so much to see, so much color! And this constant heartfelt rhythm that seemed to beat through the city. Luanda has a very unique pulse, and I got quickly obsessed with the colors, the shadow, the light that reflected around every corner. I spent the last three years in Paris, which makes you feel like the whole world is grey. The buildings are grey, the walls are grey, the sky is grey, the clothes are grey… Paris makes me forget  how colorful the world can be. In Angola, even the toilet brooms are pink. It’s like bringing color to the darkest places.

There’s this feeling you get when you kind of like someone, but you know you can’t, you shouldn’t, you mustn’t like this person because it doesn’t fit any of the requirements you have set for your life. So you resist, because it doesn’t go along with this mental image that you build within yourself about how life should be. It’s how I felt with Luanda, after two weeks of struggles. I was slowly but surely falling under the spell of this city that looks like nothing I had experienced before. After another few days, the gods came back to favour me. I found the perfect person to work with, a very calm Congolese woman who speaks perfect French and Portuguese, and who could navigate every situation with elegance.

I then was hooked by the street style, considering everything one would wear or carry as an element of fashion. In Luanda, the Zungueiras (women street sellers) are carrying an entire world on their heads. Bananas, avocado, brooms, Tupperware, Teddy Bears, hair extensions, etc… It will go beyond your wildest dreams, but the magic of it is about how it blends with the city. I felt like living in a Pop art bubble. I recently got to the realization that fashion is how a soul expresses itself. Sometimes with restraint and sometimes with exuberance, despite economic insecurity. I now am left wondering about the meaning of the unique aesthetics of this city; is all of this color an act of resistance? A way to conjugate the brutal colonial history, the civil war, the raging capitalism and the most recent economic crisis? Or is Luanda a constant dancing soul?

Emilie Regnier

L'articolo La bella de Luanda sembra essere il primo su Vogue.it.

La bella de Luanda published first on https://wholesalescarvescity.tumblr.com/