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[leaving-anorexia-behind]

14.02.16

Escape gone wrong

This morning I shook with anticipation and adrenaline, my plan firmly in my mind. Having gone over it a thousand times. After a nose bleed, I felt slightly disorientated with a headache but still determined to get away. With that, I grabbed my keys and phone and asked to go down for a coffee. They agreed it and I went down. The staff member was wary around me, she doesn’t know me so and didn’t trust me in the slightest. I can’t say I blame her. I just needed to get away. I tried distracting her and I shot up the steps and out the front door where attached herself firmly to me. 

The alarm was called and a receptionist ran over to help, shortly after 6 other staff ran down to help. 2 grabbed my arms with one around my back, quickly followed by one under bum and another swooped my legs from underneath me. They dragged me back into the lift despite my desperate turns and struggle, aiming to catch any frame I could. It didn’t work, I was taken to my room in a massive state of frustration, desperately trying to get them off me without hurting them. 

8 staff stood in my room dotted around my room, one, an older guy blocked the door with a smile which I wanted to smack right off his smug face. Another from the progression ward S tried to calm me down, saying they just wanted to help and tried reassuring me. All it was doing was winding me up, I just wanted to get out and ended up pacing the room like a wild animal trapped in a pen. The Dr came in holding a needle with lorazepam. I felt terrified. The staff gathered to, each taking a limb at a time and after a lot of struggling I was injected in my ass, while I screamed into my pillow to let me go. 

I was still wound up as I struggled to get out the door, fighting the effects of the medication. I said I didn’t want to hurt them but wasn’t even aware of the cut on my hand from trying to force the window open. After a while I remained on 2:1 before finally, they agreed I was calm enough to be put down to 1:1. Such a privalidge. I only wanted to spend the day with my friends and remind myself why I’m even doing all of this.

My memory after is hazy due to the lorazepam, I vaguely remember going in for lunch and only having half of it but eating the dessert. Apparently, I was falling asleep at the table. Although, I did have the fotisip and avoided being tubed but I can’t have been with it at all as I just don’t remember, despite really trying to! 

The rest of the day was a blur, I vaguely remember speaking to Sophie my mentor. My Dad came up and we chatted with Aisha but I don’t remember much of the chat at all. She wants me to write down my thoughts but I don’t remember what it was in relation to… Oops! I’ll have to ask her in the morning! 

I chatted to my Dad, he wants me off section and wants them to basically stop medicating me against my wishes… I don’t think he understands what he is asking my consultant to do. I just hope that he won’t become involved in my treatment as that could be really detrimental.