#forward crontrol

[carsthatnevermadeitetc]

Daihatsu Hijet Standard Van and Truck, 1968. The third generation of Daihatsu's long-running kei truck and van. The truck appeared in the 1970 Japanese movie Hadaka no jûkyû-sai (Live Today, Die Tomorrow!). Interestingly there was also an electric version that was used to shuttle attendees around the 1970 Osaka World’s Fair. 

[fluffytsukino1009]

First fight with ATEEZ

Summary: Ateez members reaction to their first fight with their s/o

Warning: Screaming, crying, jealous... I think... That's it.

A/N: Here is where I admit all this scenarios are based on personal experiences lol.

Masterlist

Seonghwa

You warned him that was a bad day so he tried his best to be understanding but eventually you crossed a line. Silent treatment until he cools down. Doesn't want to say something wrong or make your day worst. Approaches you to tell you he's hurt for whatever bitchy thing you did earlier that day. Seriously wants to talk out things so it doesn't happen again.

Hongjoong

Left you hanging at your date, so we all understand your anger, he understands too. Knocks at your door and ask you to scream at him all you want, don't keep anything inside, he wants to hear your complaints and thinks he deserves the mistreatment. Waits until you're done to mention he brings food and flowers. While you eat he makes up a plan to avoid repeating the "problem".

Yunho

Joke went wrong and he knew at the moment you change your grin. Tries to dust it off with another joke but only makes it worse. No idea how to fix it so just stares at you in silence for a while, then finally asks you how can he make it up to you. Things won't escalate much from there but he'll hate himself for it as if you were never able to forgive him. Now you gotta have to be the one joking.

Yeosang

Haven't met for a while so of course you both were feeling kind of sensitive. You noticed he was specially quiet and that messed with your mind. Straight forward asked him if he's trying to break up with you, he loses the cool. He's offended you considered it, he just missed you a lot. Raised his voice for a while and then stop to think it twice. Promise not to keep his feeling for himself again.

San

Got too shy to hold your hand in front of his friends and that left you feeling insecure. Things got a little bit cold for a while. One day you got tired of the weirdness and approach the problem. Didn't want to get emotional but end up crying and raising your voice. He cried too because didn't know how to make you feel better. Does his best to explain the situation and let you know he loves you.

Mingi

He's being busy lately and noticed you've mention the same friend's name in your messages a lot, can't keep that out of his mind. Next time you say that name he called you up, screamed questions not giving enough time to answer. First you hung up full of anger but later understood the problem and decided to meet up with Mingi... and your friend. Let him know there's nothing to worry about.

Wooyoung

You thought it was a good idea to let him know you were worry of how much he'd been exhausting himself training, but he didn't found it nice. Accused you of being too crontroler and storm out of your place. Tried your best to reach him and apologize but gotta have to wait until he realise you were not being controller but taking care of him. Writes a long letter to apologize and read it out at you.

Jongho

You catched him being nice to the wrong person and didn't know how to cope with it. To be fair he had no idea about your issues with this person but it crossed your mind he was supposed to notice. You raised your voice at each other because no one wants to takes the blame of this misunderstood. He's the first one to chill out and you follow. Both accepted your part of blame and apologies.

[devils-tarot]

The Fool's Journey (2/3)

-------- A little disclaimer: the first part of this text is here. Please, start there and then come here, otherwise it wont make much of a sense for you. Also: In our tradition, therefore in the Myth I'm telling here, we consider that the 8th Major Arcana is The Justice, while The Strength gets the 11th position. Also: just to remind you, english is not my first language. So there will be mistakes. I'm sorry for that. --------

"Oh, how come I never saw that? It's só obvious" he thought right after he realized the situation.

In his right hand he had a drawn sword. In his left hand was a scale. He knew that if that scale tipped the wrong way, the sword would cut off his head. He had, therefore, to keep the scales in balance, and thus, the sword would be his weapon of defense and with which he would move forward in his life.

In the arcana of justice, everything The Fool experiences allows him to understand the real "cause and consequence". He learns that in moments of distraction he wastes time, and that is the sword of justice cutting off his head. But also understand that by taking the initiative to change his path, he grows and advances in his life, and that is the sword of justice cutting off the heads of his enemies, external and internal.

Mastering this experience is what made the Fool grow again and change into the Hermit.

It's been a long time since he was back in that cliff, and now, after the last months or so he finally realized something. He still had no really idea on wtf is going on, besides the possibility of a dream or some spiritual experience. But that was just a guess.

He then decided to use his new habilities to try and get more information. The hermit then gets his inner light, and externalizes it's brightness. Using his inner light aligned with his experience with the High Priestess, the Fool was able to reach other levels of connection and perception of reality.

He, who had been seeking to find more of himself, ended up finding more of others. He realized how much of him, of his choices, of his desires, of his attitudes, everything he had once judged was only his pure personality proved to be the result of all the social interaction to which he had been subjected since he arrived in this strange world.

Upon realizing the complexity of life, this web of events, the Fool all at once became The Wheel of Fortune.

Now he could, somehow, feel at the same time that everything made sense althought nothing made sense. The Fool realized that there are so many pleaces, worlds and living being out there, and he wanted was more. But no matter what he tried he could not get out of that cicle.

Feeling something was off, he realized he was trying the samething over and over, it was time to change and try something new. As the time passed by, he slowly realized: there's no way of crontroling everything. I can't change what I did in the past, nor what I haven't done, so the only possible option was to move foward. But to where?

The Wheel finally showed him that he can't control life, but could control him, could change him, and learnd from his mistakes. And so he got in peace with his past, and that's when he decided that the best to do was to keep going, improving.

And this feeling was the key to get into The Strength.

The first card of the second half, the strength, scares the Fool the second he sees the lion. He was so still he was almost a stone on scene.

Everything happendend so fast he almost forget The Wheel: I can't control life, but I can control me. He had to do something, and so he closed his eyes for a brief moment and heard his inner voice. So he decided to aproach the lion, carefully and slowly as possible, but with no fear.

He suddenly realized he new that beast. And as much as he got close, the more he felt that way. But when he finaly toched the heads lion, que knew it.

That lion could only be himself. not the total version, but a parte of him. He saw as clear as daylight all the times his own demons had come out and ruined everything around. He saw all the times he had strugled with no help, from no one, not even from himself.

He decided he need to be at peace with himself, and started to deal with eacht of the lions and beasts he found inside him. On this process, withou actually realizing, the Fool had turned into the Hanged Man.

He was so focused on improving himself so that he could make a difference aroung him, that when re saw it, he was already there, hanged from the foot, with his hand tied on his back. Again he could not make a move, he had just gone through that on the Wheel.

So he stayed quiet and calm, waiting for the nex stept. But no matter what, the scene just stayed the same. He couldn't do anything, at least not with his body, and so he got distracted by his mind.

Lost on his thoghts, he started to look deeper and deeper inside him, inside his mind. He had been seeng everything from another perspective, what opened his eyes to something completly different.

He realized all this time, his own purpose on life as meaningfull. For sometime he foght for battles of others the whole time. Now he knew what he never had a purpose on his life. But do god have any for me? He could only think about that. Everything was so perfect, so well put in the world, his life had to have some purpose.

And days went by with him still there, hanged. And in the posture of the sacrificed he died.

Death was like a blink of an eye, quick. It arrived quickly and quickly left. But in its immensity, the Fool discovered it. He looked over his entire history in that world until then, but now with an external vision, with the infinite perception of death.

At that moment he knew it. It's not about me, but us. Everyone and everything who got in contact with has changed him in a way, but that's just his perspective. He also had influenced other's path many times. He remembered the Wheel, everyone of us is connected. But not only us, everything on this plane of existence is connected. What makes us us is energy, life, light.

Therefore death is a lie that actually bring us the truth. True death is not the one of the body, he knew it now. The true death is a life with no purpose. He realized that he was as divine as the Creator, and as brother to stones and plants as to humans. He realized that in the end, we are a cluster of energy manifested at different levels and forms. And what we call will death come to all of us, without exception.

And as soon as he realized this, he was on his feet, and with much more serenity, understood himself as The Temperance.

Now the Fool really assumed is Divine Form, and decided to make something out of his life.

After being dead, he no longer carried that fear we usually do. He knew he had died many times before, and surely will die anytime again, cause that's life. So he just lived.

As a divine being he knew he should manifest himself in life. He had to. He learned with the Lovers, the Chariot and the Justice how the system works. He also could see through out the time as the Wheel of Fortune, and so used all that was possible in his hands to deal with life.

He thought to himself: "so, the bag I first had with me had everything I needed back then, and all the time it took me to understand it, was only how I made it be. It was not a punishment. All this time I did what I could, with everything I could, being it bad or good." After some time he conclued the obvious. Everyday the Fool (in other words, us) receives a pack of enchantments, of possibilites, to be used to transform his day and so his life. He get to choose how he act and what he does.

And having now understand what is divine on him, he faced his devel-ish side, and traveled all the way do hell.

To be continued...

[cybernightwanderer]

A little note on biology, family, time and irony.

Today i woke up to realize my mom went trought my wallet, and who knows what else. The last known time i found out she did this, was one year ago, when she beat the crap out of me, pulled me by my hair and threaten to kick me out for the house without a chance to ask for anyone help or even get my shit. She did all this, because she demanded 100 euros extra to what i was paying her monthly and i said no because i was trying to get enought money to leave. To wich she threatned me again that i can never leave if i dont pay my deth to her. Yada yada, same old same old. She used to do this a lot, she would control my money even tho i always payed what i owed her. Yet she always wanted more, and would always guilt trip me if i even spent that money on myself, and would force me to buy random shit for her. All trought out my life she did this, going trought my things and then demanding and interrogating me using force. She never did these things to my brothers, and they actually never helped at home, not with money , not even taking a trash bagg out. I remenber everytime she even asked my brother to set the table it would turn into a two hour yelling marathon, and then id be the one to do it. This was daily, i couldnt rest from work, i couldnt study for school. And if i said i was busy id get punched, pulled by my hair and so forth. I was always the dog, that did everything she ordered and gave her what she demanded. I would be left with 40 euros on my pocket after a whole month of working just because she forced me to, and i couldnt say a word about it, and even so she would control my money. Few years forward and she still did that, but more violently and sneaky. When i was younger she would just take it and then hit me etc. Or take it while hitting me. Wether it was food, money or even clothes, a jacket , or a scarf. I remenber having a specific outfit for job interviews, and i would let her know in advance that i would have a job interview X day. And i would warn her, dont use this shirt or if u use it put it back before the morning. And every single time, i had an important interview or just job meeting, i would go crazy in the morning crying and go trough all my shit looking for that shirt, because she would use it and not put it back. Then there would be yelling, at 5 in the morning, me asking her where the shirt was and she yelling back she didnt toutch it, or even toutch my stuff. Wich later that day coming home finding that shirt on my bed, and her just brushing the situation  off her shoulder. And then threatning to hit me when i asked her. So eventually i just gave up. I told her, take what u want, use what you want. Growing up, i never had my own clothes, my own things, and the little i had , my brother would steal it. if i had a bag of chips i bought with my own money i saved up my brother would steal it. If i had saved up money my brother would steal it. And when i cried for help i got beat up. “ stop complaining about ur bother “ / “ stop crying he said he didnt “ / “ leave ur brother alone “ etc etc... Around at the age or 18/19 when i had a more permanent job, i started buying my own pants, my own shirt and my own things. I didnt have to wear my brothers clothes anymore. I was free. But not getting stuck into those times right now, because if i star writting eveything i dont think a day would be enough. So...  Like i was saying , today she went trought my wallet and checked my bank balance, etc. And i went to her room and i asked her, “ hey did you go in my room? where you looking for something or do you need something of mine?” And i wasnt even done with that sentance, she got really agressive and said “ i dont need shit from your room, i didnt enter, why??? “ To wich i replied, well my things were moved around and my door blocker was out of place, and i always close it so the door doesnt move. To wich she replied “ well it was the wind “.. Note : the door stopper is heavy and the door was jammed, and even if it was the wind, it wouldnt push the door locker all the way bellow the bed.... Im still shaking...why am i shaking? Its not even anger, its just hopelessness.... Everyday, my life just doesnt change, nothing changes. I feel crazy, i legit feel like im going insane and can only sit and watch myself get worse and worse. Is this what she wants? to send me to a mental hospital or some shit? to lock me up in a room and im not even capable of getting up? Is that her goal?... Is that why she “saved me “ from killing myself? Im more afraid of her having complete control over my body and life than of dying or being arrested... Does that even make sence?

Every now and then i google on how to make a will, and what i need to make a will official. I know its stupid but i mean if i ever die, at least i want the good things that i have , my things, the things i got with my own money to go to someone i love, someone who actually gives a shit about me. I dont know. I know how to kill myself, and i have what i need for it to happend.` I just kinda hoped i could still have a life somehow.. I hoped i could escape this, i hoped maybe in the future if i work hard enough i could be happy someday. I could have my own house and a decent job, that i could have my health back, that i could have myself back. I havent done it, the knowledge of failling and being sent to a mental hospital or being crontrolled by her, scares me, completly terrorizes me... ..... im gonna leave this here, i cant seem to write anything else whitout crying my shit off..

[idkimadome-blog]

PCOS, Miscarriages, and Me

Wanna know a lil about me? Let’s start with some background shall we?

I was 22 years old when I first became pregnant. Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in early miscarriage even before my first doctor’s appointment 😔👼🏽💔

My OBGYN at the time had TERRIBLE bedside manner and just brushed it off as an “oh well you can try again”

Ummm no... First of all, it was my very first pregnancy and although it was early, he/she was still MY baby and he/she was LOVED. It was absolutely heartbreaking to know that I’d never get to hold him/her 😔💔

I became pregnant again 3 short months later and that pregnancy also ended in miscarriage shortly after our first doctor’s appointment 😔👼🏽💔

I decided to get back on birth control at that point until I couldn’t take the side effects of mood swings and depression any longer 😰

1.5 months after I quit birth control mid pack, I conceived my son 👶🏾❤️ I was 25 at the time.

While he was a surprise, he was a pleasant one and we were excited to meet him 🤗

My pregnancy went pretty smoothly until about 35 weeks when preeclampsia symptoms started to arise

We ended up having to induce and ultimately ended up having to have a c-section.

I wish I knew then what I know now about the ramifications of having a c-section. I would have never allowed it.

This whole ordeal jumpstarted my distrust in doctors...

It took 2 more years before I became pregnant again and that pregnancy also ended in a miscarriage as did the one following it, 4 months later 👼🏽👼🏽💔💔😔😔

At this point I was 28 and my doctor decided to run some tests and ended up diagnosing me with PCOS

I remember sitting in the car after that doctor’s appointment just bawling 😭

I love kids and had always imagined that I would have at least 2 or 3 of my own. Realizing that my body wouldn’t cooperate & work towards the goals I had for my family, I was absolutely devastated💔

After that, the PCOS symptoms began to rear their ugly heads...

Weight gain

Fatigue

Weird Facial Hair

Irregular Cycles

Sporadic Ovulation

Acne

Mood Swings

Anxiety

Depression

Poor Sleep

Oh yeah and Infertility 🤦🏾‍♀️😩 #fml

I wasn’t able to get pregnant for FIVE YEARS after that 😳

In that time I dieted, got a personal trainer, cleansed my mind, body, and soul, began studying the Law of Attraction and started 2018 with a brand new outlook on life 🙌🏾 #NewYearNewMe 💁🏾‍♀️

I started taking birth crontrol again towards the end of 2017 with the hope that it would regulate my crazy PCOS cycle, allow me to ovulate, and have my rainbow baby 🌈🙏🏾👶🏾

I stopped taking it in January, continues my focus on health and wellness & conceived in February 🤰🏾

I was FINALLY pregnant again after FIVE long years! I was thrilled 🤗

I tried to keep it quiet due to my previous losses but the joy spilled out of me and once I passed 8 weeks I began to feel comfortable because my previous miscarriages never lasted that long

🗣I told EVERYONE

At 9 weeks I was told that my baby passed away a few weeks prior and that I would miscarry 😔👼🏽💔

They called this a “missed miscarriage” which sounds like it’s not as bad as the others but honestly it’s the absolute WORST 😫

Knowing your baby is gone & u r just waiting for the blood & pain to start, all the while going to continuous doctor’s appointments & waiting in waiting rooms full of pregnant women is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Heartbreaking doesn’t begin to explain it😫💔😔

My depression worsened 100x over. It was a very dark time. It’s been months and if I’m being honest, I’m still mourning 😔 I still mourn them all. All five of my angel babies 👼🏽💔👼🏽💔👼🏽💔👼🏽💔👼🏽💔 Not one day goes by that I don’t think of them.

PCOS is a Bitch! She makes u gain weight. Makes it hard to lose weight. Messes with your cycle. Makes it hard to get pregnant. Makes it hard to stay pregnant. A complete clusterfuck. A catch 22.

After an OBGYN appointment today I’ve decided to do the work❗️

Despite it being hard to lose weight with PCOS, I’ve decided to work HARDER 💪🏾

I am going to make working out a priority in my life ✅

I will lose weight ✅

I will have a second healthy baby ✅

I’m looking forward to seeing all of my hard work pay off and finally reaching my goals of my beautiful rainbow baby and a healthier me 🌈👶🏾🤗

Let’s do this!

[seniorfuzzypollo]

Run baby run

It's been over a week since I've started my cardio and idk I think it's going great. I'm doing 2.50 miles on average! My everything is the still the same though, dads still gone and still looking for a job. I've kinda found peace in a lot of things. When I'm out running I tend to think of the future and what I'll be able to achieve. I'm tired of being held back by my mistakes. That's not to say I'll forget those memories cause they all bring lessons that have brung me to this point. Few days ago I saw two dragonflies and they seemed to be dancing with each other. Flew away so calmly it was nice to see. At the beginning of the workouts there would be this sunflower that I would pass by. I'd take a photo every time I passed it and one day it was damaged. The pedals looked dried and it seemed like it was blown to the side since half the pedals were gone. Then the next day it lost all its pedals. Maybe it was just the season changing. One foot in front of the other that's what I do, what I've done. Yeah I cry and complain but eventually I get back up and press forward. My friends family are psychics and apparently my friend has found her soulmate. He grandmother told her details that were pretty damn specific and what do you know she's found him. I'm happy for them to know that it was written in the Stars. Fate played matchmaker. It's a comforting thought to have. Am I meant to find love? Yes. Am I meant to keep it? I have to earn it. I'm changing, physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm getting stronger. I can't stop now, won't stop here. Weird to know that I wanted to actually end it all and now I'm here lifting weights, running, crontrolling my mind, and getting better. I say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I should say something different. Nah, I'll add something tho. We control the actions that happen to us. I wonder why I seem different from everyone else. Yeah I know it sounds like ego but I don't feel right here. I know I'm missing something. Maybe I should actually start doing music again. I've lost my edge. Do me a favor. When you're out with your favorite person. I want you to just hold each other and just listen to one another's heartbeats. Close your eyes and synchronize. I hope you know I don't feel any negative emotions towards you. You're doing great and so am I, kinda. Still have things to do but I'm on my way. I always had this plan to sing the song I wrote and call you out like "WHAT UP BITCH" or like "SEGA GENESIS, please give me my jackets I'm cold-" I'm still gonna do that, but maybe I won't do it. Maybe. Anyway, I'm getting better in general and I hope you're happy with all you do. Talk to you when I make more progress.

[crystallllines]

will have a smoke and then get ready for bed; be at school by 9:45. meet with writing tutor, damage crontrol with the paper, leave for nora’s ~13:00

part of me is like ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ but idk what else am i going to do? i just need to, like, keep pushing forward. :///