#for the longest time i was so worried about how i'd live up to 100's expectations

[geraskierfanficprompts]

Prompt 100

one-fuckin-hundred! Let's go!

What if Jaskier and Geralt kk;ijsss ed nghh,; and h hheld hwands

[filmnoirsbian]

Hey, this might be a hard question, but you talk about suffering abuse from your mom and also going home to visit her, how do you do that? I'm not trying to be invasive, I just really want any advice you have bc have a lot of trouble not throwing up whenever I go home

I don't mind answering these sorts of questions, no worries. One day I hope to maybe write a sequel to my first essay about abusive moms, specifically about growing up and managing to mend that relationship over time (and a lot of self therapy tbh). My relationship with my mom will never not be complicated. She will always have been horrfically abusive, she will always have disowned me and kicked me out as a teenager, and she will always have been the person who hurt me first, most and longest. And we will both always know all of that. And some days I wake up angry all over again, and I think I don't forgive her, actually, and I never will.

But eventually, I just got tired. I'm very bad at holding grudges. I don't have the attention span, or the energy, or the time. And at a certain point, when I was physically and financially 100% independent and had been living many states away for several years, I realized that I wanted the mother/daughter relationship that I saw other adults have with their moms. I'd given up on ever having a good relationship with my mom, but then I was diagnosed bipolar and she was the only other bipolar person I knew, so I turned to her for advice. Then she started going to therapy, and was diagnosed with OCD as well and started medicating for the first time, which really mellowed her out. And one day, she apologized for some of the things she'd said and done to me, something I never thought she would ever do (not everything...some things she still can't admit even to herself that she did, but baby steps I guess).

I started visiting more often because my sister and niece were staying with them for a bit, so I spent more time with my mom, who began to treat me as a friend and confidante (I don't necessarily think it's good for parents to treat their kids as confidantes, but it was miles better than being treated as a punching bag).

What I'm trying to say is, our relationship did not become what it is today without time, effort on her part, and a lot of graciousness on mine. I wouldn't necessarily use the word forgiveness, because I don't know that I will ever fully forgive her, but I have elected to not emotionally press charges against my mother for her crimes. She did those things to me, and so only I get to decide whether or not I still hold them against her. And if I'm being honest, some days it could go either way. I still have trauma I'm dealing with, and will probably always be dealing with. It obviously helps that I don't live with her or interact with her daily. Our current relationship is entirely in my control; I decide when to text or call or visit. I decide for how long. I have 100% agency. I could not have come this far without that.

And I want to make it abundantly clear that you are never, for any reason, obligated to forgive your abuser. Not if they go to therapy and apologize, not if they're crying, not if they buy you expensive things, not if they're on their deathbed. You can hate them until the day you die and they will deserve every moment of it and your life will not be worse. You may be better off without them in it. Every situation is singular, so there is no step by step process to mend your relationship with your shitty parent(s). I wish you the best in navigating this. I know how difficult it is. 💛

Do Not Reblog

[twowivestwoknives]

Hair anon from earlier, and I'm getting my first tattoo this summer, so I'd love to hear about your tattoos too! I wish I was brave enough/cute enough to do something that cool with my hair but at this point it seems like polishing a turd.

Hey you! OOOH okay the only thing I love talking about more than my hair is my tattoos lemme tell u. I’ve got 5 so I’ll give u the quick run down of each since theyre all in real different places.

Note: Before you get a tattoo make sure you have a strongish idea of how you want it to look, but don’t worry about the artist taking it a step further. All of my tattoos have had input from the artists and tbh it only made them exponentially better (especially the image ones as I tend to think in words rather than pictures, really helped ideas come to life). Remember to tip your artist! And the best advice I can give you if you’re scared is: Sure they hurt, but if they hurt that badly people wouldn’t keep getting them. 

So my first tattoo, back when I’d just turned 19 is on my arm. It’s this guy:

I know it’s upside down but it reads “It’s a shame to go through live without at least one good adventure”. (Love me some text tattoo smh)

I was /terrified/ to get it, heard horror stories about how much they hurt ect. Took 45 minutes, felt like somewhere between a cat scratch and a bee sting, cost 100+tip (100/hr at the place I got it). Only iffy part was down by the V of adventure, he hit a nerve or something and my hand clenched up something wild though, no pain! 

Second one I got was the first of my two collarbone/emo trash tattoos:

Yes those lyrics from My Chemical Romance’s infamous “Welcome To The Black Parade” I’m trash I understand. This one took literally 15 min. Barely hurt at all, in fact I barely felt most of it. The W hurt like a bitch but it was chill after that. My artist for this one was a lovely lady in her 60′s who had her entire body done, she was wicked and only charged me 80 (+tip).

The next one is my other emo tattoo:

This is a lyric from Paramore’s song “Future” also the title of their last tour which I may or may not have spent 400 dollars to go out to portland to see haha. Pretty much the same deal as the other collarbone one, took about 20 min, and cost me 80 + tip. Real Easy.

The next one I got was my first image tat, I was /terrified/

This is a pic of it the day I got it. It’s on my lower calf on the side, right above my ankle. This one by far hurt the most. Y’all can ask Erin I was wincing like a baby it was ridiculous. The area i got it is really close to tendons and nerves, which probably had to do with it. This is also the only tattoo I’ve bled from, idk why (I’m anemic so my blood’s weird anyway). This is my only colour tattoo, the guy who did this was a text expert, so the text here is custom. He also let me spend nearly an hour deciding how the toque was gonna look. He also suggested the lighter colours in the background to help the purple pop and I for sure think that was the right idea.

Finally, my most recent one:

I got this beauty last summer and it may be my favourite tattoo to date. The artist at the time was charging 75 an hour and this took 2 hours, it’s also a custom design which was lovely. It’s a semi-pair tattoo with Sid’s calf piece though they are totally different in their own respect. This one took the longest without a doubt, but I also nearly fell asleep it was so painful. I can actually tell you the needle sizes used in this guy: The thickest lines are a 5 needle, the medium are a 3, and the tiny shading lines are a 1. They say the smaller the needle the more it hurts and goddamn are they right, but overall it was a really chill expirience and it gave me a beautiful piece. 

Finally yo, honestly I bet you’re gorgeous (no one looks like a turd except for that raisin cartoon from the 90s), and if you’re having trouble believing that I’d suggest dying your hair tbh. Or doing body mods of some sort. Whenever I’m really fed up with who I am as a person I redo my hair or get a new tattoo and it feels like a fresh slate. It’s up to you how you wanna present yourself to the world, so if you wanna do it? Do it. I believe in u!!