#for some reason this meme idea has been stuck in my head all week. truly i dont know where it came from

[faintlight]

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 324: Is There a Force Field Around Him??

Previously on BnHA: Flashback!Rat Principal was all “please tell Midoriya that I spent a concerningly small amount of money upgrading U.A. into a wacky physics-defying funtime grid so as to make the final battle much more confusing for everyone.” Present Day!Mic (or Present!Mic, if you will) and Jeanist were all “if only somebody could deescalate this dangerously unhinged mob, we’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas.” Ochako was all “LISTEN UP PEOPLE.” The mob was all, “god??” Ochako was all, “NO, IT’S ME, OCHAKO. I’M REALLY HIGH UP ON THIS BUILDING AND THE VISIBILITY IS LOW DUE TO THE RAIN, SO I CAN SEE HOW YOU MIGHT MAKE THAT MISTAKE. ANYWAYS, DEKU WAS OUT THERE RISKING HIS LIFE FOR YOU CLOWNS EVEN THOUGH HE’S JUST A KID, SO I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD ALL REMEMBER HOW TO BE DECENT HUMAN BEINGS, THANKS.” Let’s see if her Big Scolding Energy has any impact.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “so I have this speech planned out, and it’s really good, but it also only really needs about 6 to 8 pages, but I’m gonna see if I can stretch it out to 17 pages so I can kill time before we get to the next volume cliffhanger two weeks from now.” Anyway but it really is a good speech though. There are feels, and tears, and more talk about how Deku is so in need of a shower that just looking at him requires a tetanus booster, and more feels, and more tears, and bonus ship drama, and an iconic callback to the very first chapter which reframes the entire series in a new context in a totally epic and moving way, and it’s all very good. Except that Horikoshi is determined to never let anyone actually give this kid a hug. Who hurt you, dude.

omg we are opening on a callback to chapter 212, a.k.a. the chapter with by far the cutest flashback that doesn’t involve any baby Todorokis

baby Ochako is lethally cute. she could literally murder someone with her cuteness. I just want to scoop her up and play airplane with her until she accidentally activates her quirk while we’re spinning around and we both helicopter up into the air never to be seen again

“a child’s insistence” huh well that’s all well and good, but I sure hope this doesn’t mean we’re going to drag out the whole “sternly lecture the obnoxious citizens” plot for another whole chapter. no offense but I think we’re good

so page 2 is just continuing the whole happy/worried faces monologue, which of course is very important to Ochako’s character as it provides the context for why “who protects the heroes” ended up becoming her thing. and this is making me think we actually are in for a whole second chapter of this sob. when will my boy finally get to rest

OH MY GOD SUDDENLY THESE PEOPLE HAVE EYES IMAGINE THAT

HORIKOSHI: [reaches for a box of tissues while tearfully penning an homage to his beloved Spider-Man 2, specifically the train scene where the crowd sees Peter without his mask and they suddenly realize just how young he is]

HORIKOSHI’S HOMAGE SCENE: “COME TO THINK OF IT, I GUESS IT WAS KIND OF MEAN FOR US TO PICK ON THIS TEN YEAR OLD KID WHO WEIGHS 75 POUNDS AND LOOKS LIKE HE LOST A FIGHT WITH SATAN’S MOLDY OLD BASEMENT”

lol at this one guy who can feel the mood of the crowd shifting and is all “WAIT, NO, I WANTED TO KEEP BEING AN ASSHOLE DAMMIT”

as many pointed out last week, this man is wearing an All Might shirt. that’s some fantastic irony there

-- SDKFJWIGKS

“LITTLE GIRL, I HOPE YOU’RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT WE SHOULD ALL BE WALKING AROUND DRESSED LIKE A SOVIET-ERA BUS STOP.” heh. last week I said I was ashamed of BnHA being my favorite manga. that was a lie, actually

(ETA: in the original Japanese Ochako’s next two lines are basically “the only ones covered in mud will be us heroes!” followed by “please give us some time to get rid of the mud”, with that second line basically being the single funniest thing I’ve ever read rdslkjl. Ochako thank you so much for supporting my running gags. “YEAH WE KNOW HE’S DIRTY. WE ARE GONNA TRY AND CLEAN HIM UP, BUT IT MAY TAKE A WHILE, I’M JUST SAYING. I MEAN LOOK AT HIM. HE LOOKS LIKE AN ASBESTOS COSPLAY.”)

doesn’t the megaphone kind of look ever so slightly like an axe that she’s wielding maniacally here

easy there Lizzie Borden

also that’s a really bold claim to make there. and not one she necessarily should have to make, either. but as we all know, there’s nothing that shounen manga likes more than having its heroes bravely hoist heavy burdens of responsibility like good self-sacrificing citizens

p.s. lowkey loving how Kacchan is positioned here standing slightly behind Deku. not presuming to stand in front of him all overprotectively (because he would hate if anyone ever did that to him), and kind of being unobtrusive and letting others take center stage -- but still being close enough to Deku that he can catch him if he stumbles or passes out again

(ETA: or maybe not lmao.

DEKU: [falls to his knees]

KACCHAN: [glancing up from his phone a few minutes later] “someone just sent me the stupidest meme about milk crates -- oh. uh. you good...?”

really, son. “the burdens you can’t carry, we’ll carry them for you. ...later, I mean. right now it’s late, and we’re all cold and wet.”)

also lowkey loving this OchaTsu moment here

I was going back and binging Ochako chapters this past week for reasons, and I gotta say it really stuck out to me just how often these two are paired with each other. they do everything together. it’s a really sweet friendship that often goes unappreciated but it’s very cute

meanwhile, not to be outdone by the OchaTsu, Iida is staring at Ochako with open admiration talking about how she’s fighting too. it’s been so long since we’ve had any IidaRaka you guys. I was starving and I didn’t even know it

oh my lord IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING

THE LIGHT IS BACK. he finally looks like him again. what a cathartic fucking moment omg

ffklkdw

“I KNOW YOU ARE ALL SCARED, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE DEFINITELY CANNOT GUARANTEE YOUR SAFETY AND WE ARE ALL SCARED TOO!” good pep talk there kiddo

BUT, jokes aside, truth be told this is the exact right approach to take imo, and something that’s long overdue. I’ve said this before, but this new generation of heroes is shaping up to be much more transparent than the All Might generation. they’re basically abandoning the almighty, untouchable Superman “heroes as gods” concept in favor of the more nuanced “heroes as people” concept instead. and that’s a good thing. seeing their heroes as humans, with human limitations and weaknesses and flaws, will hopefully not only lead to more scrutiny and accountability, but also more awareness of how hard some of them are working and how much they’re sacrificing. that’s something All Might never quite grasped back at the start of the series -- that the weak, vulnerable, injured him could be just as inspiring as the mighty, invincible him -- perhaps even more so. there’s a power in seeing otherwise ordinary people show extraordinary bravery and compassion. it inspires others to try and do the same

SSDLHK AIZAWA SIGHTING AAHHHHHH

so he was still back at the hospital this whole time?? smdh at this disrespect. that feeling when your sexy self-insert character’s powers of rationality are too strong, and so you have to nerf him so that he doesn’t ruin your Deku Angst arc twice over by (1) immediately talking some sense into Deku and making him come home Right This Instant Young Man, and (2) not allowing him to leave U.A. in the first fucking place. excuse me, you want to do WHAT now, Midoriya?? that’s it, go to your room

also living for Katsuki and Hawks’s soft expressions. Shouto’s too, although his is tinier and harder to see. and Jeanist’s 12-foot-long neck. imagine Jeanist’s head with Mic’s hair. maybe Jeanist had a mohawk back in the day and that’s why U.A.’s doors are so big now

speaking of soft faces, Enji’s is also excellent

what could this random close-up possibly imply?? hell if I know. but Horikoshi truly fears no discourse and that’s what I love about him

OMGGGG

“smh my child is so dumb.” poor Ochadad. your child is cute af count your blessings

SDOFFHSMH

I’m telling you guys. lethally, catastrophically cute

this speech is still ongoing lol. Horikoshi you’re doing so good but I think we get the point now my dude. you gotta learn how to transition out of these things

UNEXPECTED TOGA WHAT

“there we go” Horikoshi says, crossing off the last line on his list of Ochako ships. “that’s all of ‘em”

poor Ochako is just repeating the same “LET HIM REST, PLEASE, WITH EVERYONE’S COOPERATION, IF YOU DON’T MIND, WE APPRECIATE IT” talking points over and over again hoping someone will throw her a bone and acknowledge her already. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP HER

literally they’re all just staring up at her silently omg. work with me people!!

now she’s saying it for the 56th time but more dramatically all of a sudden

they got so dramatic that for a minute I thought she had suddenly leaped off the building or something

look, not to rush you or anything Horikoshi, but I’m starting to get the feeling that this is yet another one of those “the volume is ending soon so I need to either hurry things up or slow things down in order to make sure we end it on my perfect cliffhanger ending” chapters where you go to ridiculous lengths to drag things out much to the exasperation of your week-to-week readers

(ETA: ftr, volume 31 ended on chapter 306, and I’m predicting that vol. 32 will end with chapter 316 (a.k.a. “you’re next!” [explodes]). I’m guessing vol. 33 will follow suit and likely end on chapter 326, so keep your eyes peeled for a big cliffhanger in two weeks’ time. Deku’s dad?? All Might in peril?? U.A. traitor at long fucking last?? we shall see.)

is Deku straight up falling in love with Ochako right on the spot lol what is happening

I know I just said that I enjoy when Horikoshi gives zero fucks about discourse, but shipping discourse is a whole different beast lol. I hope he’s prepared

(ETA: and for the record, I have no interest in shipping discourse either, as always. and I think this scene can be interpreted as platonic, tbh, with the context being that Ochako was literally introduced as someone who was willing to help him so casually without a second thought, and now here she is saving him again.

I don’t think it really fully hit Deku until this moment how much he needed saving. like I said in another meta somewhere, selflessness is basically just selfishness on behalf of others. and Deku is selfless to a fault, but that’s okay, and it doesn’t mean he needs to change -- he just needs friends who are willing to be be selfish on his behalf in turn. and I think the full emotion of what it means to have friends like that just hit him at last. everything his friends have done for him, how much he needed it and didn’t even realize, and how grateful he is. anyways what a terrible day for rain.)

-- son of a --

is he apologizing?? or pleading?? please tell me that’s not the case, because what the actual fuck. Deku you beautiful precious radiant selfless child, this is the exact opposite of how this should be. all these motherfuckers should be on their knees apologizing to you

DEKU WHY

I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS FREAKING BOMBARDMENT OF EMOTIONS GODDAMIT. OUT HERE ARMED WITH YOUR FREAKING TREBUCHET OF FEELS TO LAUNCH AT ME UNPROVOKED. WHAT’S WITH THAT

FREAKING CHRIST. THIS BOY IS CRYING HIS EYES OUT AND HORIKOSHI IS JUST ZOOMING IN WITH THE CAMERA, LIKE CAN WE JUST CUT HIM A BREAK ALREADY. ENOUGH OF THIS. HE’S SO YOUNG AND HE TRIES SO HARD AND I JUST NEED HIM TO FEEL SAFE, HORIKOSHI PLEASE CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME THAT ALREADY WHAT IS THE FREAKING HOLD UP!!

GIGANTIC FOX LADY!!!

GIGANTIC FOX LADY PLEASE BE MY HUGGER BY PROXY!! SERIOUSLY GIRL IF YOU JUST HOLD YOUR UMBRELLA OVER HIM OR SOMETHING AND DON’T GO THE EXTRA MILE I’M ABOUT TO LODGE AN OFFICIAL COMPLAINT. THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS NOW

!!!!

A KOUTA IS GOOD TOO!!! oh my god if Kouta hugs him I will seriously 100% straight up cry. go on and test me

FOR THE LOVE OF --

is this man expressly forbidden from drawing hugs in his contract or something. DO YOU DO IT JUST TO SPITE ME?? this is tyranny, sir

AND I KNOW, THIS PAGE ACTUALLY CHALLENGED THE VERY PREMISE OF THE SERIES ITSELF, AND HERE I AM COMPLAINING ABOUT HUGS, OR THE LACK THEREOF. “this is the story of how we all became the greatest heroes.” and just like that, he waves a polite middle finger at all of the Strongest Greatest Chosen One shounen protags of old, in favor of something much less conventional, much more interesting, and much more suited to Deku’s character. because if that one sentence doesn’t just sum up Deku to a T. he gladly relinquishes his Greatest Hero status in favor of acknowledging the hero in everyone. what a class act. that’s my protagonist

I love this kid so fucking much I swear. only just PLEASE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. GIVE HIM HIS HUG

[kerwritesthings]

Subway Surfing

Summary: When a literal run in changes the course of a day, let alone of a life…

Word Count: little bit over 2.2k

Warning: adorable, fluff and funny

Author Notes: A bit of a birthday surprise for @fallinallincurls​ - Happy, happy birthday Bre! Big birthday deserves nothing more than the start of a new verse for the hockey boy I forced at you last year. Umm sorry not sorry.

Things have been a lot of not ok around here for a good clip, I’ve been really not ok. It’s been hard. Writing hasn’t come, life has just kept throwing me down and down. Trying to fight the way back up, not easy but I’m trying. This was a nice way to try to get back some of that light. I had been poking at this for a beat, the idea gnawing at me with some pieces written, notes scribbled around, but birthday sparkle helped get it over the finish line. Part two already has some bones, as does part three - but please to bear with me if you will.

You hate that it’s a Saturday and you’re trekking your way into the office. It’s finally truly fall in the city and it’s a gorgeous day. The last thing you want is to be stuck at your desk behind a computer screen. You want a hot spiked apple cider, a book, a good playlist and your plaid blanket on the grass in Central Park.

It looks like the rest of the city is awake early on this day for the same reason. The subway, which normally is slightly more bearable at this time on a weekend, is the furthest thing from that. It’s packed with people including the grimy, sweat-ladened guy in the chopped-up joggers and crocs who keeps trying to “accidentally” bump and grab you every chance he gets.

The next stop, you try to move but too many people are coming on and off as the doors only quickly open and shut. You just end up jostling as the car jolts in its start. You can’t fall forward. It would land you right into the situation you’re trying to flee. Instead, you try to lean back but you slip. Fully prepared to wipe out, a hand comes gently to steady your elbow while another holds you at your shoulder.

You hear a mish mosh of “careful there” and “are you ok” crossing together as you get back steady on your feet.

“Thanks for saving me for either face planting or landing in that sweaty creep’s grasp,” you say, sliding your bag back securely on your shoulder before turning.

You know those faces. You’ve seen them on billboards and most definitely on TV. Shit, shit and shit. Of course, the two star, absolutely adorable bestie forwards from the New York Islanders have come to your rescue. This would be your luck. At least you pulled yourself somewhat together for this Saturday jaunt to the office. You keep a straight face, smiling normally and not letting anything on.

“Couldn’t let you risk that. He’s been a bit of an ass since he got into the car. We said if he were still acting a fool at next stop, we would jump in. Plotted a rescue mission and everything,” the one explains, hand running through his hair.

“His mission was to cross his arms and give him the eye,” the other mocks, shoving at his friend’s shoulder. “I mean I guess he can look threatening, like a puppy maybe.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. These two are exactly as they’ve seemed in interviews. Mathew and Anthony really are as thick as thieves.

“That sarcastic asshole is Anthony and I’m Mat. We’ll stay close until he leaves, or you need to,” he remarks.

“You don’t have to do that. It’s the subway. That happening unfortunately is just another day that ends in y, you know?” you explain. “I also don’t want to take up more of your time or ruin any of your plans.”

“You deal with that? Often?” Anthony asks, eyes a little wide.

“Welcome to New York,” you shrug. “Not every day thankfully. But it’s often enough.”

“I hope you know, that wasn’t, and we weren’t...” Mat tries to stumble through.

“No, no, no. Totally. I didn’t get that whatsoever,” you respond. “Not that from either of you guys. Promise. It’s sweet to know there are still gentlemen out in this world.”

They both get a little bashful smile across their pretty faces.

“Glad to help,” they practically say in unison which causes you to bark out a laugh.

Time to shoot your shot, you think to yourself. Worse case, it’s a moment you get to have for a fun bar story.

“I think we need to become friends, boys,” you start. “Or at the very least, I owe you a drink for saving me.”

“Yes,” Anthony jumps in, nodding his head with a wide grin. “You should come to brunch with us.”

“If I didn’t have to get to the office I would,” you reply. “Unfortunately, it’s stuff I need done before a Monday morning meeting.”

“Office work on a Saturday? That’s no fun. Play hooky! We can promise a bottomless brunch,” he teases.

“Maybe after though?” Mat chimes in with a soft smile. “Get what you need to done, give you something to look forward to after?”

“I don’t want to ruin whatever plans you’ve had for the day,” you begin before the boys both shake their heads.

“It’s just brunch and shopping to try to get this one to up his style game,” Mat chides while Anthony rolls his eyes.

You bite your lip fighting back yet another giggle. These two, at the very least, would truly make some good friends. You dig around in your tote, finally snatching your card holder.

“Not sure how long I’ll be stuck. I’m hoping only a couple hours. But. If you’re serious. Text or call me,” you say, handing one off to each of them.

They both nod, each pocketing your card as the subway comes to a halt.

“Oh shit, this stop is mine. Thanks again for the soft hands and clutch assist guys,” you wink, dashing away quickly before the doors close.

“What is my life,” you mutter, the boys waiving as the train pulls away. “I need to get to the office.”

“Ok, I think that’s the first time we’ve ever had someone realize who we are in public, without a whole big scene or making a blatant ass grab type pass. We’re keeping her. Plus, you like her,” Anthony teases, shoving at Mat’s shoulder as they hit the sidewalk coming up from the subway.

“I could say the same thing to you Tito,” he snarks back, shoving in return. “You were batting the eyes. I’m not blind.”

“She seems cool and yeah she’s pretty, but I’m not jaw drop like you were when you saw her,” he chirps back. “I was trying to get a rise out of you dude. And it worked, you actually stepped up the game. And now you have her info. Don’t make me text her too. Cause I will.”

You’re just about to settle into your email with a cup of what your office likes to consider coffee when your phone starts buzzing about in quick succession.

“Looks like this is a thing,” you mumble to yourself, lips quirking up into a half smile as you formulate a reply.

“You knew?” Anthony grins over his beer. “From the start?”

You nod, sipping at your cider. You pushed through your work to be able to meet the two downtown at this tiny spot in NoLiTa that was tucked away from the crazy of the neighborhoods it was snug between. It wasn’t as sleek as you thought they’d choose; it was something much more comfortable and lower key.

“Really?” Mat questions.

“Yep. One of you not with the other? I would have had to do double take. I would have noticed, but probably would have questioned. However, the two peas in a pod together? That was a no brainer,” you explain, fighting back a bit of a giggle.

“You didn’t say anything,” Mat replies.

“How many times does that happen and it turn into a thing or a bit of a scene?” you circle the bottom of the cider bottle around on the tabletop. “There was also no point to, either. You were just trying to enjoy the day and you were being super kind keeping me from wiping out. I get it’s New York, so it’s a less likely thing but it still happens.  So, if I could keep it from another one of those moments...”

“Told you Barzy, we’re keeping her,” Anthony taps his beer against yours. “Welcome to the crazy, Evangeline.”

You can’t help but tinge a little pink.

“Well then. If that’s the case, my friends call me Evie,” you smile.

“Evie,” Mat lets the name roll around his tongue.

A couple rounds later, of both beers and darts, you realize how tight the two are and more so, how easily you could become entangled in friendship with them. And you do. Texts and memes and random photos fly back and forth, you all hang when all your schedules align. You’re also fostering relationships with each of them separately too; sharing recipes of things you want to try to bake and longing about the places you miss in Quebec with Anthony while Mat was trying to teach you more about basketball (with little luck) and in turn you trying to expand what he calls music and what actually is music. You also share some of your favorite places in the city that the two really didn’t know about. It was easy with them, together and individually but you were getting a bit more of a tug, a bit of a warmer burn with Mat.

A Saturday morning a few weeks after the afternoon drinking funtivities, you wake up to a few texts, photos really, from the group chat with the boys. First is a pair of tickets and passes to their game that night. Second is two jerseys: a blue Barzal and a white Beauvillier. The third, a text from Mat.

Choose carefully…

We’re also not taking no for an answer. You’re coming. Game and drinks after.

“Oh shit,” you exhale, quickly jumping to your closet.

“Beth?” you call out from your room, tossing through your clothes looking for two specific items. “Please tell me you don’t have plans tonight.”

“Hot date with a bottle of pinot noir and trash tv, why?” she pokes her head into your room.

“Good. You do now. You’re coming with me to the Islanders game tonight,” you mutter, flipping through more hangars.

“Wait excuse me?” she flops down, cross-legged on the end of your bed.

“So, I may have left a tiny detail out from when I told you about the two cute guys who saved me on the subway,” you explain.

“Ok and?” Beth prompts you to continue.

“They’re Islanders…” you trail off.

“What?” she screams tossing one of your throw pillows at you.

“I’m trying to not make a big deal, cause you know. But, at the same time, well you know,” you reply, finally finding the long sleeve you wanted to wear as well as one of your hockey jerseys.

“You need to give me more than this, Evie,” Beth pries.

You lean back against your closet door.

“It was Anthony Beauvillier and Mat Barzal,” you say.

Beth screams and throws another pillow at you.

“You just casually didn’t tell me that you met the damn Calder winner and his like bromance bestie,” she laments. “Evie, what the fuck?”

“This is exactly why,” you sigh. “Like it started out as ok I could have a moment, a cool story to tell. But honestly, they’re two really great guys.”

“You’re not telling me something, I can see it in that wistful look,” she pokes. “Oh god you’re sweet on one of them, aren’t you?”

You shake your head at Beth, not acknowledging the question. Shoving her over a little, you fold the jersey on the bed next to her, so the logo was perfectly visible, but no giveaway of the name on the back or numbers on the sleeves.  

Fine if you two summon I guess I must go. I’m bringing Beth, my roommate, so you need to behave. She’s already a pretty big hockey fan so I apologize now in advance for any of her crazy. She’s great but gets excited. Also, easy answer: where’s the Ebs jersey? ;) Or I can always wear this one.

You snap a quick shot of your Dallas Stars jersey.

Mat of course chimes in first.

That’s cold Evie, really cold. And that thing? That’s even worse. Who is on there? Do I wanna know?

Then Anthony.

Non. Non. Non. Why do you even have that jersey!?

“You’ve got that look,” Beth pokes at your thigh. “I’ll leave you be for now. Need to be at the arena what 6? We should leave here at 4:30. Worse case we get there early, we can snag a drink nearby. I don’t trust the train or the subway on a Saturday to be on time. Thanks for bringing me, Roomie. I’m excited and I get to meet these boys of yours.”

I have favorites across the league, you both know I liked the sport well before you two came along. I have the appropriate jerseys for my boys. Well, almost. You guys making me choose is mean af. Rock paper scissors it between you both, whoever wins that’s what I’ll wear.

“Just leave her yours, you know you want to no matter who would win at that little challenge of Evie’s,” Anthony smiles as the text comes through, clapping his friend on the shoulder. “And I know you’d pull shit to do it no matter what. She’s really your girl anyway.”

“What…” Mat starts before Anthony jumps in.

“You know it’s never been like that with her for me, dude. She’s awesome and I’m so glad to have her as a friend,” he replies. “You though? Since moment one, she’s been something else for you. You need to make a move. You’ve got game, I’ve seen it.”

“Evie’s. She’s Evie. There’s more there...” he leans back into his locker.

“More reason to then Barzy,” he volleys back. “Come on, get your shit together. We can drop everything to leave for her on the way out.”

[theskyexists]

ive bought harrow the ninth and am now attempting to reread act 1 so that i may understand it better

ianthe clearly proposes that Harrow not get herself killed trying to bring Gideon back - reading it over again. instead to take the future and somehow?? be really powerful together and forget about their cavaliers. but harrow says no

im once again struck with how offhand this book introduces the concept that the empire goes out to deliberately kill planets over a couple of generations

now im not sure....there also seems to be an implication that there’s no aliens - because they say only humanity has a soul - but client planets were said to rebel - i guess the human colonisers rebel against central solar system command sometimes? but then what enemy does the Cohort fight? possibly it’s just bigotry that they think aliens dont have a soul

but like - they find LIVING PLANETS and then - kill them slowly. to the extent that they need to move the entire population. WHAT? why do they do that??? just so they can do some bone tricks???!

what the fuk

so how did the planets get murdered again? and which solar system planets could really have been said to have had enough life to have a soul?? cos like, only one of them is really known for that

why did God give Harrow the choice to go back home TWICE if he was never going to let her?

once again, why mess with the Hand candidates if God was always gonna come for Cytherea? just to mess with him more?

yeah - harrow keeps hearing and saying ortus ninegad but the rest of the world remembers gideon.

Harrow truly is totally mentally shattered AND time is totally fucked up

but sometimes in the fake-ish timeline Harrow remembers but doesn’t remember Gideon - like how she notes that there were two womb-bearing members of the Ninth who were the right age...but only elaborates on herself

for some reason - Harrowhark remembers Ianthe’s arm ripped from her by Cytherea - but now it’s whole. for some reason

that letter is still so what the fuck

‘like you did the last time’ - hm harrowhark sewed Ianthe’s lips shut? how did she come by the power?

is ianthe - calling Harrowhark God?

throughout the first act, they keep referring to time, having too much time, or not mastering time, or not having enough time, ‘this time’ etc.

the eggs you gave me all died - that’s DIRECTED at Harrow, is my theory

ok but the planet revenants come after Lyctors and also God (- God became God when? at the Resurrection) before the Lyctors happened - God was still at Canaan House - despite the Revenants already coming right...

is Teacher criticising god and lyctors for leaving Canaan House lol?

ok so yeah Canaan House WAS part of a ‘last sacrifice’

ok so - Harrowhark is a little resurrection miracle. This implies that God killed a lot to resurrect the Houses.

wow God is being a very dad to Harrow

Blood of Eden - BOE - they turned their back on the solar system. now they hate necromancy. in other words - when the solar system died, God resurrected it - but before that point some humans had fled - lived. and they can see what absolute fuckin horror necromancy is ACTUALLY

so what im getting is...maybe...god resurrected humanity by killing the planets...?

i just realised that Ianthe has taken Gideon’s place as the smartass in the room - the counterweight to Harrow’s portentousness

what the fuck do augustine’s comments to Mercy mean???? why is she unloveable? why would he say that God doesn’t need her? and why is it obscene that Augstine calls God John? What is the dangerous game she’s playing? What was the foul implication??

‘Then that is your downfall’ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Harrow BURN!!!

what i don’t get is - the Cohort is an army - when they land they die because they’re being killed by an enemy at the front - NOT in pure sacrifice for thanergy. so why does only the death of humans and planets produce thanergy. why is the death of the enemy not good enough? they don’t have fuckin souls?? they MUST be complex life. and doesn’t a planet produce a constant stream of thanergy? but i guess it’s not dying enough - generally its life maintains itself in ecosystems.....unless a fuckin lyctor ‘makes the juice flow’ i guess!

sometime in the next book there IS gonna be a ‘are we the baddies’ meme. muir loves memes and she stuck skulls on absolutely EVERYTHIGN. Like WHY THE FUCK would you colonise planets if you gotta kill them for it? LOL????

huh? augustine just said that they can’t use necromancy when in the river - but mercy mocked harrow for having hypothermia ? implying her fundamental failure was not being able to necro while in the river? Harrow’s inability was what was wrong partly right?? oh no ok it’s how Harrow tried to compensate for her body going lights out while in the river. alright. that was written confusingly

how and why is this a completely different story???

The Sleeper.......is Harrowhark? the suit is too close to what she was wearing killing the asteroid. and the sleeper is lying on ‘something’. oh they just straight up say it lololol

ortus got into trouble 19 years ago...hhmmmmm wasn’t Gideon 19??? huh? which is why Mercy started at Harrow’s peculiar YELLOW eyes that Harrow can’t see herself i think

‘i do things face to face’ ortus says after stabbing harrow. HUH? why go for a stab if decapitating would have done the job? just to give her a small chance to fight back? (face to face?)

why not tell God that ‘his’ attack dog is trying to kill you?

why does Ortus the First want me dead? ‘who?’ ---uh. has she forgotten him completely (time shit) or is she saying the wrong name? mercy wouldnt reply like that then right?

she told him and he’s like - oh well guess you gotta just get through repeated almost-successful attacks on your life. ???? THANKS GOD!!!

‘you, with your unfortunate memory for poetry’ HA! i love how we are reminded that she knew all the fuckin damn books nearly by heart which is insane!

Teacher suggests his dying at least three times a day?? hahaha what?.........................is this purely a meme reference. is that meme the mental image im supposed to have of Teacher??????????? is this trying to say that this meme was preserved in the amalgamation of human life that is Teacher?? oh my god....

no.....palamedus and camilla....did old Harrow really kill them.....

seems like all the murders were consensual maybe?

it’s probably too straightforward that Harrow created and alternate timeline and made for a Harrow Lyctor without Gideon dying and kicked her to the original? maybe she took Ianthe and Coronabeth with her bc she needed Ianthe’s help

is this Cytherea or Dulcinea? Pro seems real this time. why does Dulcie call Pal and Cam strands and cords?

did muir put in a fuckin secondary school S - muir’s just like - im gonna put in all the memes as a nod to ancient human culture

still no idea what the messages are that Harrow is getting

This Harrow is so goddamn sick. I mean she was sick before, but at least she had Gideon. Really do feel that that helped her. now she didn’t have that -- AND she’s getting slapped with trauma another five times

if ortus can undo the thanergy of her own bone then why not simply crumble HARROW into dust? cos there’s a core of thanergy fusion in her that he can’t undo?

FLKJDFKLJSDLFSD fucking IANTHE ‘Wow! Not how I imagined this happening, at all.’  FUCKIN HELL

Harrow with her fucking fucked up dramatic inner monologues about weakness and Ianthe comes in with this shit. she really is doing Gideon proud here.

Did love Harrow’s musings about how only a truly idiotically obedient Cavalier would be the only one to keep to a vow of silence. HAH! nice one muir

‘have you taken the time to rest lately?’ asks God, YOUR FUCKING SAINT IS TRYING TO KILL HER IN THE FUCKING BATH YOU IDIOT AHAHAHAHA

JEZUS FUCKING CHRIST - try and be normal Harrow! try and make some soup and read a book! Harrow: *does and then hyperventilates hidden under her bed after 86 hours of zero sleep*

she was trying to remember what cutlery did. why is this so goddamn funny hahahaa. this book has ONLY been Harrow being in extreme states of misery ALL THE TIME both mentally and physically to the point of death

GOD IS HAPPY THAT SHE MADE SOUP AND DOESNT EVEN FUCKIN NOTICE SHE’S NOT SLEPT FOR A WEEK SOMEHOW THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS SHIT

thats what you fucking GET you piece of shit god! you push a prodigy teen to the brink and she fuckin explodes your lyctor and feeds you her fuckin marrow. maybe you shouldn’t have ignored her goddamn fucking understandable distress

SHE FUCKIN HITS HIM WITH THE FUCKIN TRUTH what an IDIOT of a God. he truly doesn’t understand mortality anymore huh

I LOVE HOW MERCYMORN CONTINUES TO MAKE HARROW YOUNGER IN HER HEAD AHAHAHAHAHAHA she’s only nine years old!!!hahahaha

naturally God focuses on how - wait- actually harrow is truly an INSANE necromancer - INSANE

still no idea what the fuck is going on in the not-past

aww. ianthe’s scent soothes harrow now. begrudgingly of course.

i thought this was gonna be lovely angsty harrow/gideon but naturally that did not happen

harrow is comfortable! first time in the whole book! one moment of comfort!!!

‘love my twin, also murder’ tridentarius pffjlfjdljf

‘how i crave your honeyed words’ hah

wow this scene sure is weirdly sexual with these similes lol ‘as though she had shyly undressed for you’ ok there Harrow you about to chop her arm off calm it probably sex repulsed thirsty teen

i do love how....there is this theme again that’s everybody underestimating the main character - who is actually a prodigy. Gideon had that with the sword and Harrow also has it with being a Lyctor now

it’s so telling that these Saints would rather be shits to these babies than help Ianthe grow a new fuckin arm

i dont see why Ianthe can’t work off this bone construct which is her own stuff and put some flesh on it since SHES A FLESH NECRO?

Ianthe that’s super gay

wow muir really never delivers on full gay does she??? i dont mind but i think it’s so striking hahaa

how are Harrow and Ianthe still hung up on the Saint of Duty? i mean, if they dont have him against the RB they’re dead anyway

why is the First going through rain and ice?

Harrow haunted? naawwww

i cant help but like mercymorn though - she cares. it’s soured ages ago but she cares.

awww Harrow needs Ianthe to sleep

Ianthe constantly poking Harrow for her prudishness is so goddamn funny.

‘It’s the type of energy i wish to take into my future’ AHAHAHAHAHAAH IANTHE MY GOD

‘i always forget you were an honest to go nun ... and six years old to boot if you listen to mercymorn’ HAHAHAHAHAHA

‘you look good enough that im proud of my handiwork but not so good that i’ll be consumed with lust and ravish you over the nut bowl’ fpdfjsdfkjsd this is what harrow means with crude japery and yet....

mercymorn has started to call harrow three years old. i will NEVER tire of this gag

all of the blood of eden stuff happened in the past 25 years??? god was on the erebos, but he also remembers ortus kicking the commander out of an airlock? that was in the last 25 years??

Ianthe‘s carressing the nape of Harrow’s neck. hmmhm

its honestly super weird if you think about it for more than 10 seconds that theyre talking about their cavaliers whom they murdered (im still not sure if all consensually) ten thousand years ago (!) and how hot they were that just seems.....fucked up

Harrow is like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! basically all the time but especially now. yep well that was to be expected i guess lololol

Harrow being painfully frozenly fascinated by (god having) sex and deeply repulsed is very Harrow

oh nooooo well that was a perfect kiss between them really

the funny thing about Harrow is that though she is so completely fucked up - just like Gideon - she is fundamentally a helper.

why wouldn’t Harrow have thought of blood wards! she knew he could only bleed thanergy! it;s the first thing i thought - just use not bone wards then!

ortus thinks anastasia is in Harrow - which makes me think - why does he think that’s possible?

mercymorn now calls Harrow a two-year-old. i am waiting for embryonic genius

so did they use the river to get to the planets theyre killing?

Harrow feels the peace and pleasure of a stroll through nature that she has come to kill

oh my god - Harrow somehow saved Cam and Pal is still attached to the mortal plane!!

Harrow helps Cam risking herself entirely just like that. yknow as she does

i wonder if Pal has realised that Harrow is not who he remembers

i think he realised once he realised haz mat suit was Harrow also...

ianthe xo’d harrow.....lol

im sad that original harrow is definitely dead.... :( loved her. guess gideon’s not coming back either. not sure how the second adept survived. she didn’t survive in the original timeline either. but she was ‘killed’ in the other - just like coronabeth..so that means soemthing

this whole ‘flashback’ stuff to Canaan House is Harrow being in the River the whole time. the cold temperatures, the blood, the creatures theyre fishing from the sea that apparently abominations

after all, we’ve just learned about river bubbles and a haz!harrow that can change their parameters.

all the people ‘dead’ she’d not spoken to much or at all beforehand. like they’re NOT real, in the River. the only one not like that is Dyas...

the fact that the narrative keeps calling Dulcie, Dulcie means she’s really Dulcie.

there’s giant organs falling from the ceiling. this is definitely the river

they talk about time AGAIN

the Body is the devil who let herself be used to complete the work of Teacher and the Lyctors in his mythology....hmm. and when they realised the price (AFTER? the work was done?) they wanted her dead but he buried her....SHE allowed them to become Lyctors?? I still don’t understand why the heck that was necessary

the king is dead, long live the king. hmmmm

Harrow comes onto a hallucination of the devil who was her first crush with the voice of her parental figures and the eyes of a love interest she can no longer remember - which is actually not precisely a hallucination probably - and gets summarily rejected lol OUCH (the Body didn’t mean it that way ofc)

Harrow is so repressed on every single front but definitely sexually

I love Mercy

so there is death beyond death. does everybody go into the river and become a mad horrid ghost? like - is that everybody’s fate? how awful

ok so God DID resurrect the planets also. ? but like. then why are there resurrection beasts?

what does resurrection mean? and who killed the planets in the first place?

BECOMING NONE HOUSE, LEFT GRIEF

oh.....my god.

ARE YOU AND IANTHE BEING SAFE!!?!?!?! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

HIS BODYGUARD IS THE DEVIL??

so the destruction of Earth somehow made God? as though it was something that simply followed from it

A.L. was destroyed in the first assault? Of an RB

so the RB’s were happily running off in the other direction until they decided to fuck around and kill their mates to become immortal and powerful - then the RB’s turned around and came towards them - which meant leaving the planets God had resurrected forever.

what the fuck god??? hahahahaa

God always seems so likeable goddamn.

Harrow is such a dramatic bitch. Affection??? JUST KILL ME!!! KILL ME!! LET ME SMASH THE GLASS SO I CAN KNEEL IN IT AND BLEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!

Harrow goes into her fun kid's game of not dying to traps.

But she instantly calls him father. OH MY GOD

HE DOESNT BELIEVE HER!!!

'then that will be your downfall' - is what Harrow said to Augustine AND IT WILL BECOME TRUE FOR THEM ALL

to be dismissed like that where it hurts most - to have God Dad dismiss her only slip of comfort her only pillar of truth in this crazy old world

'nobody had watched you leave'

SOMEBODY HAD - I love all the deliberate references to Gideon

Temporal lobe!!!! Again the temporal lobe!!!

So why was it again that Harrow refused to be locked in with the Emperor?

So isn't God gonna check out Harrow's temporal lobe? He's just gonna let that mystery go to its death?

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK

Muir what the fuck??!!!!!!!!

Oh it was.....a hallucination?

Always love how this dips into genuine horror sometimes

What's weird is that Lyctors seem made for the task of going into the river and killing Resurrection Beasts - instead of the other way around.

So say - that the sword somehow holds Gideon's soul (we've just learned that that's possible from Pal and also Ortus trying to get Pent to summon his grandma by his sword) - does it not make sense that Harrow 'for some reason' stabbing Cytherea's corpse with it transferred it to her? Or maybe it's SOMEHOW Anastasia if Ortus was macking on her. But Ortus thought HARROW had/was Anastasia.

IANTHE WANTS TO MARRY HARROW - HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Every fucking chapter doesn't make things any clearer. This is worse than Gideon the ninth

Hello???? Am I reading a canon alternate universe roleswap au??? What the FUCK is going on. This is like - if they hadn't gassed the 200 and her parents instead adopted Gideon for her clear necromantic gifts which nobody noticed somehow the other time round

I do love how Aiglamene was the sole source of slight comfort in Gideon's life. And Crux was Harrow's - apparently in any sequence of events.

Harrow is tumbling through timelines. But how can you do that just by messing with the lobe?

WHAT!! WHAT!!!

Is this...is this what I think it is??? Is thi

The fanfic roots are STRONG in this one. In fact I believe I've READ this fanfiction

Harrow's temporal fever dream (in the river?) HAD HER (Decidedly Not) VYING FOR 'HER DIVINE HIGHNESS' hand, which is either the Body or Gideon or both lololol. Seeing as the previous had Gideon as the main unnamed titled character - I bet it's Gideon ahahaaga

A fucking. COFFEESHOP AU. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD

We've had roleswap, 'ball' au, and coffee shop au populated by the ghosts of the dead LOLOL,

I knew it!! I knew that they were ghosts and that they were in the river!!

Ok so but when did Harrow shoddily create the bubble? When she adjusted her memories at the start? When is this. Ah Harrow has the same thought hahaa

So the stage is a - she was building her memories while sleeping?

Why is that she cannot access her lyctorhood like this...

I just realised that Harrow's mind made the party food taste like SALT based on Ianthe's cooking!!!! Hahahaha

THE NARRATOR IS GIDEON. But it doesn't sound like Gideon though

There's more to the work than simply preserving Gideon's soul though. There are next steps that Harrow prepared for that Harrow doesn't know about yet

Who was the sleeper and why was it in Harrows riverscape of memories that she ACCIDENTALLY??? made

Ok she sounds like Gideon NOW

Gideon no it's not because she didn't want you! It's because she wanted you to live!!!!!

And she succeeded....your soul is INTACT in her body!!!! You're protecting her with full consciousness!! How the fuck. And why didn't that happen before when she went to the bubble?

Are the ghosts of the contestants happy that they got pulled out of the River briefly? Or were they so briefly in there they couldn't remember?

She returned them to the RIVER???? is that really such a kind fate????

Something has gone wrong in the River - yeah because why r all these ghosts going insane and stoppering it up like slib

Do love how Muir has found a way to give these characters more screentime

I actually said 'oof' when Harrow screamed at Ortus - oof that really is embarrassing. GodDAMN Ortus you stepping up with the emotional support!

I've EVEN read the damn fanfic in which they switched bodies. My god.

A. L. apparently is thought to wander about still. I think she's the body....I do believe she's the body. That's why the Lyctors are scared of her

She thought - what. Mercy is talking about blood of Eden's commander. What is going onnnnn still!!!! Mercy is the traitor I guess. But how is blood of Eden connected to the ninth house and the body?

Why is Mercy awake on the mithraeum and not in the River anyways?

Gideon.... And the commander were in cahoots? So did A. L. and Anastasia an the body and the commander all have the same eyes?????

What the fuck is going on indeed.

Cytherea seems to have had a plan B for getting revenge on the Emperor. Or something had a plan B with her corpse as the main weapon.

If guns are so effective against people why aren't they still used.

The messages are from the commander. I.e. Gideon's mother. I.e. Anastasia? We never explicitly did learn how she met her end no? Gideon was convinced that Anastasia had taken the baby. It just seems incongruous how the Emperor spent like 80 years on the Erebos and the Lyctors were faffing about - meanwhile there was this drama going on in the last half century?

I love Abigail Pent. Love that I got to see more of her.

I'd honestly forgot that Judith was alive by the end of all of that shit

The sleeper is -the sleeper is Gideon's mother. Also. She's haunted by her mother. SOMEHOW. what the fuck? They couldn't drag her spirit back from the river they said!

'you wizards never learn' there's a whole modern regular sci fi world and culture out there! Or maybe it's just a. L.

Is it? Or is it Anastasia? Or is it the commander? Or are they the same thing?

The sleeper wants Harrow's body. Somehow invaded it - probably from the river? - which means its Anastasia or the commander. Which means that whatevers possessing Cytherea is someone else.

In retrospect - Harrow's coldness to Ianthe talking about - to what her - seemed nonsense at the time - in the very first part - doesn't quite fit.

Oh my fucking GOD Gideon is fighting Ianthe for messing around with her fucking girlfriend - who is HARROW, who actually, Ianthe wants to marry.

They just went from ramping up to a serious fight to Gideon dropping Corona's name and suddenly they're like - ah we got more important priorities actually.

Augustine's first thought at thinking a.l./the body (?) is in Harrow is John - and the Second is Joy!(mercy?)

'How I was gonna have to take showers with all your clothes on.' fuckin Gideon hahahaha

Wonder if Ianthe truly believes what she's saying - that Harrow was trying to rid hersel of Gideon. It's preposterous. It's just hurtful talk.

GIDEON REALLY THOUGHT THAT LOOK TO MEAN THAT HARROW DIDNT LOVE HER??? THIS IS A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ALL THE ANGSTY DRAMATIC SHIT IVE BEEN YEARNING FOR

Oh my fucking god Gideon calling Ianthe out for being in love with Harrow in the most iconic way ufsojdjdodnd 'she wants the D - the D stands for dead'

Crazy brain-mutilated Harrow sure made it seem that way I can tell ya that!!

Hahahahahaha Ianthe remembering Harrows prudish Ortus/Cytherea shit. Amazing

Aw Gideon really went and fell right into the cavalier/bone mistress shit huh. And trying to shield Harrow - well as noted before - very necessary because harrow has been having a godawful miserable time - mostly because of herself.

Gideon appreciating Ianthe's pun xD

Love how neither of them position themselves as the love of Harrows life but instead as inexorably attached to her by the sheer role they play in her life - they don't dare aspire to what they think they can't get.

Muir realises this is gonna end up as a Gideon/Harrow(/theBody)/Ianthe ship right?

Oh WOW THIS IS AMAZING. nonius the legendary nonius!!! Come to protect Harrow!!!

For some reason the Sleeper can manipulate the rules of this River bubble and doesn't seem surprised about it

If all her cavaliers were this excited for death, she was definitely the problem.lololol. somehow Harrow, you inspired undying loyalty in even a person that you treated abominably

Yeah Harrow you slowpoke. If the Sleeper can adjust the rules - so can you

If the sleeper was not Harrow's invention - but planted itself - then they're very lucky it got to the ghosts that weren't actually there - first.

So it was the commander....a portrait in a shuttle of blood of eden - can only be the commander. And redhaired? There are too many red haired people in this book!!

It's nice how all these ghosts got to have lasting impact from beyond the grave

NONIUS KNEW ORTUS/GIDEON?

Ok so ....there's the bed of the River with stoma. But there might also be the other side.

Did Harrow really not account for steps beyond her plan to mutilate her brain?

Is this book really gonna go: fuck you Gideon will die anyway ?????

But.wait. the sleeper had a two-hander. Where did that go???

I don't get it. If they go into the river - won't they also go insane?

SO NYAH!!!!!???

Ok but - what? The Commander ALSO -somehow - took over Cytherea's body?

'did the ten billion give you that too' I KNEW CANAAN HOUSE HELD EVEN GRUESOMER EXPERIMENTS AND SACRIFICES THAN LYCTORHOOD. God is made of ten billion souls. I think they killed humanity on earth to spare it 'slow inexorable apocalypse' and used the power to make the Empire from the resurrected. There was an extremely vague implication by Teacher to the amount of souls violated in Canaan house in the first book.

So God knows the commander went for the ninth house? Firstly, how. I don't understand how Anastasia fits in here!!! It would explain though how the commander

So the commander found the ninth house - and she died right? They tried to call her spirit but couldn't. But she became a revenant?

Ah. God THREW the bomb.

A fuckin wake me up inside joke jskdjskdnd

So Mercy and Augustine ( not Gideon ?) had all turned against God? And they were working with the commander to -... Make a baby????? And then evacuate the houses???? (For when God dies - there being a risk that Dominicus would go out I guess)

Make a baby/body to lever the one who lies in the tomb into....?

Love how the book foreshadowed Mercy and Augustine manipulating and lying to God - and turns out they did that on much bigger scale

They....meant to kill the baby to break the blood ward?

'The woman who I was pretty sure was my mother, wearing the body of the woman I'd had a crush on, who in turn had been wearing the identity of a woman she'd murdered -' KSNFKDJDKFJJFC

So why did they want this consistently characterised as kindly and humane god dead?

GIDEON THOUGHT IT WAS HIS!!!! But he called Wake Anastasia then????

They really are the same???

Oh my god I know what they're gonna say. Gideon is the daughter of God. WHICH HARROWS FUCKIN ROYALTY AU FEVER RIVER DREAM FUCKING FORESHADOWED HAAHAHAHAHHAA

Isn't it fucking ironic that God told Harrow that - HE WANTED HER TO BE HIS??? WHILE GIDEON HIS ACTUAL DAUGHTER WAS SPINNING INSIDE HER CHEST LIKE A LITTLE NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR

They've been trying to kill him for more than 500 years???? Did mercymorn actually genuinely learn the extremely fine knowledge of the body for THIS purpose? How many thousands of years ago did they decide to kill god?

A fucking DAD JOKE

GIDEON REMEMBERING HOW SHE USED TO TELL HARROW HOW HER OTHER PARENT MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD SO STOP PICKING ON HER

I am fucking DELIGHTED I AM SO GODDAMN OVERJOYED

It segues into a reminder of how shit their childhoods were and how their suffering had them lash out at each other endlessly and how it made Harrow suicidal and shit though - which is great

ALECTO'S EYES. THE A. FOR A. L.

A. L. The cavalier of God....but she walked. She had a body.

Ohhhhh. That's why they betrayed him. That age-old hurt. Ten thousand years old but still the bane of their existence, the seed of their madnesses. The loss of their cavaliers. Oh how did they manage to keep that from him?

I honestly thought - is Mercy saying she knows he killed humanity? But that's not what she couldn't have forgiven?

But why did he hide it? Why did he hide the perfect way? ('it would be easier' why???)

Ah. Yes. The expansion, why would the Emperor do that?

Uhhhhh. Couldn't Mercy have done that all along??????????????????????? Couldn't Mercy have killed God all along? That was both a trick and utterly sincere.

Augustine and Mercy were trying to do the right thing..... Mercy.... :'( Augustine was right. God is much less sentimental than he seems.

'im not even mad that you failed to either fix or put down Harrow' hm guess the constant kill quest HAD come from God after all. What a goddamn bitch of a man

What was the original plan? Unleash a. L. ? And then what? How would that help with the whole Dominicus going out problem?

Had God ever really thought to make up for all the bullshit he put his Lyctors through. He seems so affable and human but he's caused so much suffering. He's as good at manipulation at them - better!

The resurrection beast can't kill him, but he let his Lyctors die to them one by one anyway. So why??

Why are they punching each other in the River? They can use theorems right? God could blast Augustine to pieces same he did mercy?

Yes! It's true! Pyrrha and Gideon both exist in the same body - foreshadowed by his cavaliers build. There was something so fishy about it.

I love how Gideon has exactly the same response as me: what the fuck. Pyrrha??? Gideon??? What the fuck??? Why did they BOTH have an affair with their enemy??? So ok. Pyrrha stayed underground from Everybody for the thousand years. SOMEHOW their compartmentalisation let her pop up in his body regularly and not just when Gideon remembered her - because the hadn't fucked up his brain. But then how did THEY do that.

This absolutely galactic balsiness

The stoma thinks John is a resurrection beast. Might it be.....because he's..... A revenant. A 10 billion souled kinda- revenant ? A bit like.....Harrow is? Which is why he felt kin to her? Which is why he compared her creation to Resurrection?????I've really gotta reread those messages from commander wake.

A fucking jail for mother meme. Jail for one thousand years. Gideon how do you know this one????

I KNEW Ianthe would do that. Knew it. She doesn't want the system to die. Coronabeth is still out there. Well guess what - she's on the opposite side babe. Ok I realised that Gideon's mum apparently stuck to Gideon and then the sword? But also did Harrow manage to break the blood ward because of of her proximity to Gideon? Did Harrow uhhhh get put into a pocket in the river? But the emperor wasn't murdered!!! Fuckin chapters kept lying. They're on a hold planet. Finally - we meet the people. Alecto and Camilla and Corona? And Judith.? Did Alecto somehow do a time twisty around to come save Gideon at that moment in the river? Once again nothing much more is clear.

[homosociallyyours]

getting to know me

I was tagged by @sukiandmuzzy, @always-aqua, and @jlf23tumble in this 21 question cavalcade--thank y’all so much!! These dumb things are my fave bc I’m basic af. So. here we go. the rules are...answer the questions. that’s all. i’ll tag people too, but not a set number, so if you love these things and wanna do this one, DO IT!!!

Nickname: Meggles, Beene, Beenie, Beener, Dottie, Milton. All but the last are variations of my name (middle, last, first, in that order). The last one came from my ex, who actually got it from Winter’s Bone, because it was the book he was reading when we got together. There’s a scene where the main character is naming all the Miltons in her family. Somehow it got into his head, and then it just stuck. I left it in Austin, but I still have a fondness for it.  

Zodiac: Taurus sun/moon/mercury, Gemini rising, Venus in Cancer, Mars in Virgo. into it, obviously. I’m totally that guy who has gotten everyone in the office to do their natal chart and who follows 807 astrology meme accounts. 

Height: 5′5″

Last movie I saw: I haven’t seen a movie in a theater for a hot second. That was the new Fantastic Beasts. At home, I rewatched Elf on Christmas Eve. 

Last thing I googled: “williams console heater” -- we’re getting a new heater this week, and that’s the brand/model. I was showing my housemate. 

Favorite musicians: The Indigo Girls, One Direction, Dolly Parton, Gretchen Phillips.  

Song stuck in my head: She’s a Rainbow

Other blogs: @ohharrymylove is where I put 1d masterposts and history things as well as stunty stuff i don’t want on my main, @darlingdomesticbatch is the now defunct cumberbatch hey girl meme account i used to co-run with a friend, @heycheeselady is my oft-neglected cheese blog, and then there are 2 more blogs that are pretty empty but that i am kinda saving for a rainy day-- dirtbagharrie and sassymartinfreeman. i am also co-mod on a hypnokink blog with a pal but i never do anything with it, i’m sorry chu <3

Do I get asks: sometimes. I usually get a couple with ask games, and then every few weeks a random anon saying/asking something. it’s rare for me to get hate, though you wouldn’t know anyway bc i just delete it :) 

Following: 1024...oops. i got it down a while ago, but tbh i enjoy following lots of people and am very gregarious. if you wanna be mutuals with me just send me a couple of asks or messages and i’ll probably add you back unless you reaaaally don’t tag and you post stuff i would normally blacklist (reylo or zombies)

Amount of sleep: 6-12. rebel rebel. 

Lucky number: 5

What I’m wearing: lularoe leggings (listen they’re soft i can’t help it) and an old hoodie that i had kinda forgotten about but that i’m pleased to rediscover

Dream job: rn it’s being paid to exist. if i could make enough money to live just by being alive, it would take away a huge strain from my life. In general, though, my dream job is to be part of a team that goes into homes and schools and teaches cheese classes: developing palates and vocabularies, showing people how to care for cheese, providing knowledge and cool facts about cheesestuffs. I also kinda want this as a youtube channel. i do sorta have the goal to do that this year if i’m able. 

Dream trip: I usually say France and other parts of Europe for a very specific cheese trip, but right now it’s one of these 2 places--either Hawaii with @statementlou for 2 weeks of being relaxed cryptid gal pals or 2 weeks in Tacoma with @pompomoffinland and his spouse and their kiddo for some superb cuddles and flaming rainbows. 

Favorite food: I am contractually obligated to say cheese. It’s definitely the food I’m most passionate about, and I cannot think of my life without it in some form. 

Play any instruments: I know how to strum a ukulele. I’m not great, but I am passable if nobody else knows how to play. I can also play the spoons decently and am a singer. 

Languages: English, Spanish (un poco), the asl alphabet and some random words (coffee! tree! dance! I got a book from the library when I was 11 and have good retention). I also know the greek alphabet, so I can struggle through saying something that’s written in greek, but then have...no idea what it means. unless it’s obvious. Oh also I speak cheese (obviously), which means I can pronounce French town names sometimes and not sound like the uncultured American I truly am. 

Favorite songs: “Three County Highway” (Indigo Girls); “Fireproof” (1D); “Ain’t Life a Brook” (Ferron); “The Weakness in Me” (Joan Armatrading); “The Luckiest” (Ben Folds); “I Spent My Last $10 on Birth Control and Beer” (Two Nice Girls); “She’s Amazing” (Team Dresch); “1950″ (King Princess) to name a few. 

Random fact: “grassfed” is an empty term that can mean anything from cows grazing on fresh pasture year round to cows being kept in pens and fed a fermented grass product called silage that’s actually not much better for their stomachs than grain. so if you care about animals being pastured, know where your cheese is coming from and be prepared to pay a premium--grazing cattle is not cheap for a lot of reasons

Random fact about me? I didn’t date AT ALL in high school, partly because no boy ever expressed even the faintest interest and partly because I also wasn’t interested and honestly partly because I was actually queer and just didn’t have words for it. No regrets, tho, dang. I kinda think nobody should date in high school. UNPOPULAR OPINION, i know. 

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: pale skin spilling out from the top of a cotton dress; firm jersey milk cheese wrapped in rustic brown cheese paper; a bouquet of ranunculus; milky tea in a sturdy ceramic mug; brown sugar cubes; tangled seaweeds and algaes drying on the beach; a stack of fat quarters in various solid and patterned pinks; a photograph of a single white cloud against a bright blue sky with just the edge of tree in frame; hugging a tree

hmmmm I’ll tag... @captiveharts @deaflock @livingrepetition @billiethepoet @thearrowsheart @harryincamp @harryisapackersfan @pennywhistle @la-paritalienne and @goldbootsandvans

no pressure, pals! 

[thestudyfeels]

Now, before you throw your outdated iPhone 4 in the trash and dip, all I ask for is a chance. Tada! That’s it! A chance is all I need to prove that math can truly be fascinating (did reading that make you puke just a little?)

Frankly, I’m not very good at intros. But I am good at math, so let’s jump right in, shall we?

The logic behind the dislike of math is actually ridiculous. It’s a myth. A bigger one than Medusa. Well, at least she had an excuse - those cringey snake hair (tbh, I'm more turned off than scared by them).

And usually, more often than not, this myth has been passed down through our grown-ups, be it parents, a sibling, or some random guy eating burnt popcorn (the guy version of me) at school, because of which they are even the more accepted.

“Math is boring.” “What’s dx, dy anyway? Since when does the alphabet mix in with numbers? They smashed?” Here. Pause and take a moment to think about why you hate math. And also what kind of people you're hanging out with.

Your answer might be something like “because I don’t understand it”. But that’s not the ONLY reason. It’s more of something, say, you never made the effort to understand it. And why was that? Because, heck! Our seniors told us math was going to suck before we even began doing it. They have to be right, RIGHT?

The hate has been coming down since generations. Do you realize now who is to blame? Not math. It’s Adam. He got stuck at 3+3 and started all this drama. Geez, Adam.

In order to truly enjoy doing math, learn to respect + love it. Or, at least have sympathy for it (math has suffered enough, mate. He deserves to get laid too).

All the love, respect, and eye-roll provoking stuff automatically comes when you break a false belief, create a new one in its place, and take hell-bent-for-glory kind of action. This, in fact, is one of the most popular ways in the self-help department of bringing out your inner conqueror (see book recs: here) but we’re going to use it for math. Yay!

To not freak you out, let’s break it into three itsy-bitsy steps. Three steps to loving math, I got you homie. (Also, welcome to the clickbait life, we killin’ it out here.)

STEP ONE: BREAK YOUR LAME-ASS BELIEFS ALREADY, EMILY.

Here’s stepping into psychology 101. The subconscious mind, which began interacting since the moment you were born, picks up beliefs that may or may not be true. It isn’t the judge (perhaps the reason why we are effed up). Your conscious mind, the real judge, only becomes fully mature when you hit puberty and become a desperate hoe. But unfortunately, it’s late to the party. By that time, your subconscious mind is already the prom queen.

Cutting this short, the beliefs that the subconscious mind gathers, they become our truths. Even when they really aren’t. It’s sad but true.

For instance, if you saw your father struggling with accounts or your sis forgetting what tables were, then your subconscious mind might have assumed: ‘math is difficult’, ‘math needs memorizing’, ‘math leads to crying and pain’, ‘eff math’.

Taking action:

Here’s how to get rid of these false beliefs. Journal subconsciously. This means without a stop, without cuts or edits, in a flow. Next, take up each belief and understand that it was just there for providing comfort and safety (yes, we only hold onto beliefs if they give us something in return. Saying math was difficult probably gave Em an excuse not to take action. It generated sympathy and the teacher might’ve offered his free time for extra coaching).

Then, thank those false beliefs (DO NOT turn this into a self-loathing assignment) for providing that comfort and do that “shoo” motion with your hand. It’s time they ran along. Sounds absurd and simple right? It is that simple. Once you make the decision to let go of your old, fake beliefs, they really do leave you for good. Try it out.

STEP TWO: WELCOME THE NEW-NEW, SHINY BELIEFS.

Next up, we go belief shopping. I assume that if you’re reading this, your conscious mind has already come into play. If not… well, hello there kiddo! The shopping cart is not a go-kart, so please stop swinging it around, and yes, Santa is real, you get to keep that belief, but all the other ‘truths’ mommy spoon-fed you? They may or may not be. Finding out is your homework for today (welcome to my class. I teach life, sons).

Taking action:

In this step, you take up each notion and mould it into something newer, truthier (yes this is an actual word even if it sounds like Greek), and shinier. Say, for example, Emily got sick of flunking math and decided to take action (thank you for doing that, Emily. Honestly). Here’s what her journalling would look like:

“I feel dumb while doing math. It’s too difficult for me.”

This becomes: “I’ve been holding a grudge against math since childhood which blind sighted me. This time I'll give it a chance.”

“Math involves difficult calculations, which is way out of my league. For me, getting that Cali guy's number would be easier than pulling up my math grade.”

This becomes: “Through action, and not screwing around, any shit is possible. A math grade is nothing.” Also, I heard, that guy, Liam? He’s gay. Might as well go on a date with math.

This practice does sound a bit silly, but trust me, the more willing you are, the more easily will you be able to conquer math. #SaveMath.

STEP THREE: TAKE HELL-BENT-FOR-GLORY ACTION

Now that the belief breaking and making part is over, here’s the most important one. To do the goddamn math. *Drumroll*

See, nothing comes without the good ol’ hard work. That’s a fact. In the words of Lilly Singh (who is a total queen and an appreciator of cute puppies and good memes) - “The universe respects your changing of fake values for better ones. However, it respects a good hustle even more.” To get better at math, it’s important to actually do it.

Who’s excited?! *crickets chirping*

Ahem, ok. Here are my tips to get better at it:

Practice.    

Math doesn’t even require making notes. Instead, it requires continuous practice. Set aside time to do, say, 10 sums every day, and build up on that. Turn it into a habit so it becomes second nature.

Understanding which way works better.

The fun part about math is that a single sum can be done in ten different ways. 2+2 can be either done by adding two choco chip cookies with two more, or you can just multiply 2 with 2 [ as 2(1+1) = 2(2) = 4 ]. Obviously, the latter works better when you have huge numbers because I know you’re broke and can’t afford cookies (same) and are way too old to go hunting for the cookie jar in your mom's kitchen. Plot twist though, this understanding, again, only comes from practice. So get down to it already.

Increase your speed but don’t compromise on accuracy.

It’s exactly what the title says. What fun is it if mom takes up the entire day to count out the cookies? And then ends up giving you one less cookie than you wanted? It’s the same with doing math. This again comes from practice so…*evil laugh*

Other quick tips (because I like tiny bullet points):

 Don’t use calculators. Stop depending on it and use your mind for once (assuming it isn’t already filled with cat memes).

Get yo’self a timer. Compete with time. If you’re a highly competitive person like me, this will motivate you to work harder and get better.

Every time you see two 2 digit numbers at the same place, (say a car’s no. plate: 2312) add, multiply, and subtract the numbers IN YOUR HEAD. This will improve your basic calculation speed. So 23+12= 35. 23-12=11. 23*12=276. [ as 23(10+2)= 230+46 ].

You can find other tips about math by scrolling through my math tag: (x) (x)

Practice. There’s really no way around that.

Here are some related masterposts if you want to read more:

Conquering biology by yours truly

The math masterpost by @acadehmic

Math resources and links by @ashleigh-studies

Want instant motivation? Here’s my #ThursdayPickup!

Well, it’s a wrap! I post new articles every week (the schedule’s here) so you can follow me if you are into killing the game & conquering life. I’ll do my best to help you in the tough yet amazing journey called life. ✨

If you want to go thru my blog, I would rec picking your choice of post from my masterpost list! Or, if you want to read something insightful on your cosy afternoon while chilling under blankets, I would rec reading one of my interviews. Feeling spoilt for choices? Here’s another! If you want to implement the ideas I share in my masterposts by taking action, take on one of my challenges! + you can also request a blog post! For that, leave your question in my ask box.

I hope you are well, stay strong and conquer life, you conqueror.

- Nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

[elxctriic-blog]

1-100 binch

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?cereal than milk duh

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?lovelovelove it

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?sticky notes, gum wrappers, candy wrappers, string, if it’s a quick bookmark sometimes headphones

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?i like my coffee with creamer and i do something different for each kind of tea i drink so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?uhmmm kind of and kind of not? my teeth? no. my lips when i smile? yes.

6: do you keep plants?i have so many plants and i shall eventually post a picture of them

7: do you name your plants?every single one.

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?pAinTiNGggGg💗💗💗💗

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?i don’t ever stop doing either one, there’s always a song stuck in my head.

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?usually side or stomach, don’t think i’ve ever slept on my back.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?my life.

12: what’s your favorite planet?uhmmmm??? i guess earth probably because it’s so damn beautiful

13: what’s something that made you smile today?my best friend and my dog. lub u dingle

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?aesthetically pleasing. duh. (this is also happening and we have yet to talk about it so glad this brought that up)

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!all of space is completely silent. ew.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?uhmmm??? i dunno alfredo? olive garden? not a dish but we’re going with olive garden.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?well i have a lot but one that i’m actually doing soon is lavender.

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.HA okay so in like first grade this kid who was like my brother told me that his brother was Zac Efron and i believed him. for like two years.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?yes! i actually keep several, one is a planner, one is just a little painting thing, and the other is my wicca notes and whatnot!

20: what’s your favorite eye color?green. or blue. anything but my own.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.i don’t have one of those?

22: are you a morning person?helwkrisbd ONE HUNDRED PERCENT I LOVE MORNINGS SO MUCH OKAY.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?netflix and eat. 10/10.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?there is, and it’s not a would trust, it’s a do trust.

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?never broken into anywhere!

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?uhmmmm. adidas (all of them), my vans, and birkenstocks.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?spearmint.

28: sunrise or sunset?sunrise, easy.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?uhmmmm actually cares about me? lol

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?i have.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.okay so. love socks on a cold day, i never ever match my socks. if my socks match i get really upset and i literally cannot wear the same ones (unless they’re longer socks). i hate sleeping with socks. my socks are always cute and multicoloured, hence the not matching.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.none of my friends are up past three???

33: what’s your fave pastry?uhmmm i dunno. everything?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?i’ve kept all of my stuffed animals. every. single. one. two that mean a lot to me though are a pink lion and bear. the bear is brenda, and the lion is lily. they’re both from my dad.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?well i think they look really pretty but i don’t have any.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?uhmmmm? hm. arctic monkeys.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?considering i most likely have OCD, clean.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!when people are overly lazy or just don’t have a goal in life, being rude to people for no reason, sexist people, racist people, homophobic people, etc.

39: what color do you wear the most?easy, black.

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?so i got this piece of jewellery really recently actually. i got a silver necklace with a “C” for my name and in the C are diamonds. i got it from my mom this christmas. when i opened it she said, “i know it wasn’t on your list, but i’ve never gotten you any really nice jewellery, and you’re going away to college soon so i wanted to get you something really special from me. so i got you real diamonds.” to say the least, i cried.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?Walking Disaster by Jamie McGuire!!! amazing and totally would suggest!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!i do! i have two actually. one is called Kelly’s Mercantile and it’s like a library almost, there’s huge book cases up front with a little cafe too the side, and to the eye it looks small, but once you go up these steps it literally expands into a narnia of books.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?no one.

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?never? my life is a mess.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?very much so! a lot of times my gut feelings are correct.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.i’m no good at puns.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?uhmmmm. i literally can’t think of anything right now rip.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?elevators. it still scares me but it’s not my biggest fear.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?i lOVE buying both. i have only bought one CD though. the last record i bought was a Frank Sinatra one!

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?uhmmm?? i dunno? nothing. i don’t collect anything.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?My Girl by The Temptations

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?tide pods. tide pod toast. my life.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?i have not but i’m hoping to very soon! love heathers! love beetlejuice! never seen pulp fiction ):

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?my dog because he always looks pressed.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?i can’t think lol.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?uhmmmmm i dunno.

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?i think bohemian rhapsody is a little annoying honestly?

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?both of us because i only have one friend and we are both.

59: what’s your favorite myth?myth or mythical creature???

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?love poetry, i love R.H.Sin, Rupi Kuar of course, and my english teacher from last year.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?none? i feel like all my gifts are very sentimental and based upon the person and i love all gifts i get!

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?no i do not. i drink coffee.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?mETICULOUSLY ORGANIZED. music in spotify is ALWAYS listed in order of recently added, and books are alphabetical order. always.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?no idea, probably dark blue considering it’s dark outside.

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?uhmmmm? yes. kind of. i saw him like two months ago but i miss him ):

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?daisies and lots of little flowers, maybe some queen anne’s lace, i dunno! just pretty!

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?i love them as long as it’s not for months and months! i live in washington so!

68: what’s winter like where you live?usually we get a little snow, but it’s mainly cold and desolate.

69: what are your favorite board games?ouija board😩

70: have you ever used a ouija board?HA LOL. actually yeah. last week.

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?Tazo ™ vanilla caramel chai ♡

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?not really?

73: what are some of your worst habits?organising.

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.perfect.

75: tell us about your pets!his name is toby and he is the goodest boy ever.

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?homework lmao.

77: pink or yellow lemonade?pink.

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?neither? i’m neutral. but they’re kind of adorable. i’m a child.

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?given me a valentine’s gift (^: thanks dingle.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?white. because they were pepto bismal(?) pink and make me wanna die.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.this is a lot of effort and i don’t feel like it.

82: are/were you good in school?i am, not in my current classes but ya know.

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?uhmmmm. dunno.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?lots. i’m hoping to be getting lip ones soon ☻

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?no.

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?don’t even know what those are rip.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Stuck In Love, Palo Alto, To The Bone, Perks Of Being A Wallflower, lots more.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?it’s not so much a movement. well. kind of. i have three. Impressionism, surrealism, and pop art.

89: are you close to your parents?my father is dead, but my mom and i are like sisters.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.it’s Kaanapali, Hawaii.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?La Push Beach, dunno.

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?a pinch.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?i rarely do anything to my hair so i just wear it down.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?my uncle.

95: what are your plans for this weekend?nothing lol.

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?well they’re automatic.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?enfj (i think rip), aries, ravenclaw.

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?uhm december. it was pretty!! loved it.

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes. i dunno what else. there’s too many honestly.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?neither. i think things that are in the past are lessons, i tend to try not to look back and focus on my future without looking too deep into it. i’m trying to be spontaneous and adventurous instead of planning everything. so if throw them away.

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How We'll Keep Busy In Quarantine

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In 1987, Disney launched one of the more successful ad campaigns in its history. It ran right after the Super Bowl game between the New York Giants and Denver Broncos when winning the Giants’ quarterback, Phil Simms, was asked a question that we at PYMNTS wholly approve of: “What’s next?

Simms gave the answer that has since become so famous as to become a meme: “I’m going to Disney World!”

The phrase has since been uttered quite a few times, by many, many sports luminaries: Magic Johnson, Nancy Kerrigan, Michael Jordan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the 2004 World Series Boston Red Sox. Peyton Manning said it when asked the “what’s next” question after winning the 2005 Super Bowl in a post-interview, despite the fact that Disney didn’t have an ad buy that year. He was, apparently, actually going to Disney World and wanted us all to know.

But this week, no one is saying it. Or at least no one is accurately saying it, because as of Monday (March 16), both Disney World and Disneyland will be shut down for at least the next two weeks (and likely beyond that), in the longest continual closure in over 50 years. And honestly, if one were seeking a metaphor for what the next couple of weeks of social distancing will look like, they could do worse than “the happiest and most magical places on Earth are closed for business indefinitely.”

Sports teams are not playing, international flights are not flying, March will not have madness, cruise ships are not sailing and, while consumers are ordering food from restaurants, they aren’t eating in them, preferring instead to have them delivered, with as little human contact as possible.

Even casinos are trying to cut back on the contact between their patrons. Not the gambling part – thus far, there has been no discussion about shutting down gaming floors anywhere. There have been moves to install hand sanitizer dispensers at entrances and exits to the gaming areas, and reports that thermal cameras have been installed to scan for patrons who may have elevated temperatures. But aside from gambling, casinos are increasingly unwilling to take the risk: They are closing down shows, poker tournaments and – most horrifyingly – the gourmet buffet meals for which they are known.

One might wonder, in a country that seems to be losing Mickey Mouse, March Madness and discounted all-you-can-eat chicken parm all in the same week, what’s next? At this point, it might be reasonable to determine that fun is on hold in America – and that we as a people have resigned ourselves to depression or boredom.

But, as a highly scientific study by PYMNTS reveals, this is not the case. Americans are brave people. Strong people. People who (mostly) have Prime accounts and the will to think outside of the box when they can’t go out. And so, across our various staffers and social media connections, we asked a simple question:

“Have you bought anything unusual to prepare for the COVID-19 virus – and will you tell us about it?”

And we got plenty of answers and insights – the first of which is that Americans are not going to be bored at the end of this, but we may all be fat. While we’ve seen some actual data to support this in the form of increased food sales, the anecdotal information confirms that when things get tough, people eat their feelings.

And no one’s feelings seem to taste like vegetables.

Among the better answers we received was Girl Scout cookies, as a surprising number of the 100 or so people we heard from were willing to brave human contact while picking up toilet paper at the grocery store to stop and see the intrepid Brownies, Daisies and Cadets selling amid the outbreak. As for cookie preference, Tagalongs and Samoas topped the list. Another respondent noted that in preparation for being shut in, they had purchased 30 boxes of pretzel Pop-Tarts after discovering that the store was out of sliced bread. (This respondent did not seem the least bit disappointed by this outcome.)

Another reader became very territorial in a short amount of time. “I bought Hot Pockets. I have zero intentions of giving any to my child. Those things are solely mine, and they would need to fight me for one,” a Facebook respondent noted.

The best reply, however, involved no words at all. This person just sent a picture without a caption that more or less said it all.

The respondent did send a follow-up message indicating that they had also purchased a five-pound bag of rice, so they are clearly prepared.

We would also like to give an honorable mention to the one respondent who mentioned some type of food or drink that isn’t entirely unhealthy. However, this person didn’t technically purchase the item for themselves, so they unfortunately cannot win an impulse buying competition. Still, they do get points for finding a snack and a new hobby all in one:

“My boyfriend bought me a kombucha-making set – thermometer, pH strips, tea bags, container, cloth, starter SCOBY, the whole thing – and it has made me SO happy!”

And those who won’t be snacking through this work-from-home period do seem to be making purchases to support hobbies. Popular responses included coloring books, exercise equipment, gardening supplies and arts-and-crafts goods. And, of course, many report binge-watching reality television or movies about outbreaks and plagues.

The arts and crafts supplies, incidentally, were most common among parents with children who are unexpectedly off for a few weeks – the overwhelming enthusiasm for gel pens and glitter glue cannot be overstated.

Also popular among parents were toys – and not for their kids. It seems clear that they intend to let their kids play with their Legos and video games, but as with the Hot Pocket enthusiast above, ownership clearly flows one way.

“My son and I went to GameStop to get extra game controllers and new video games for family gaming sessions during any bad weather while they’re out of school,” one respondent noted, using the euphemism “family gaming sessions” to denote “those are my new games, but I am willing to let them play.”

And then there were our favorite responses, all from PYMNTS staff, a group whose answers were unique in two ways.

The first: While most social media responses mentioned bleach, wipes, hand sanitizer or some other kind of cleaning agent, PYMNTS team members universally stuck to the assignment and only mentioned fun items as a demographic.

The second: PYMNTS staff members have some truly excellent ideas about what constitutes fun. The top four, in order:

“An expensive dress that I will never wear, but made me happy. It is fuchsia.”

“Prada. And a Minnie music box that plays James Taylor’s ‘You’ve Got A Friend.’”

“A condominium for my four cats, who are clearly better cared for than my children.”

And finally: “Neck cream, so if I die, at least my neck will look like a gazelle’s.”

Clearly, our priorities are in line.

Though it might be a slow few weeks to come, they likely won’t be devoid of entertainment or commerce. As it turns out, when locked inside, consumers create their own fun.

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Exclusive PYMNTS Report: 

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[garbageivereleasedintothevoid]

02-10-20

I felt you needed to see this meme after today. To remind you that I am normally a very closed off open book. And I'm sure you'll figure out what that means but just feel freakin honored because I do not let most people see me cry. The fact that you're my therapist makes exactly no difference to my brain.

Anyway, yeah. That was a lot. For me. Idk. Maybe it wasn't that much but it was a lot for me.

You've seen me casually mention shit that some other people wouldn't be able to say at all. And that's part of the defense. Pretend it doesn't bother you and people respond like it doesn't. And you never have to address it because it seems like it genuinely does not bother you. But it's a ploy. One that... Sara saw through near immediately. She even called me on it a couple times. She was like "Idk what to do for you because you won't open up." And I was just like "I've told you everything." And she just flashed this grin briefly and said "But you haven't opened up." And I was like fuck she's right. And told her so and she gloated just a little tiny bit. She just be like that. Lil shit loves being right. Anyway, that was when I actually started to open up to her. Or at least try to. It didn't work at first. I didn't know how. But I kept trying and she kept encouraging me. Until it eventually happened but that was the only time I've seen her... Low-key lose composure. I broke the absolute fuck DOWN. Like full on lost all control. I... Ended up calling her mommy while sobbing. And I saw this look of horror on her face as I looked up. I had previously not been able to see as I'd been sobbing with tears in my eyes and had my head down. And I just launched into apologizing and freaking out thinking she hated me now. She was honest in her response. She told me she didn't know how to react but that I had no reason to be sorry and that she wasn't mad at me. She didn't seem fully confident as she pulled herself together though. Idk. I think it mostly just shocked her because I'd never reacted that way before and to be fair, it was pretty extreme. But... In the moment, I thought I'd just isolated myself from the only person who seemed to give a goddamn about me at the time. I felt... Like she was the only one who gave a goddamn about me and tbh? I don't think I was wrong. At that time in my life, she was the only one who knew me well enough to give a shit about me as a unique individual. She was the only one who... Stuck around long enough to... Really get to know me. Everyone else gave up on me. And I think at times she was really close but it took her a lot more to get close. She played the long game with me and won me over slowly. Gained my trust, pushed me, encouraged me to do better and be better like she knew I could be.

But she also was willing to learn along the way. She knew what nonbinary was when we first met. And knew what would be considered today to be the absolute basics of how to treat a nonbinary person. But five years ago that was close to as much knowledge as you could reasonably expect any cishet person to ever have and it wasn't common by any means. But she learned. And she learned quickly. And somehow, some people do not want to acknowledge that part that she played in my life. Some people think I should just accept my station and not push for better. Some people don't truly understand that they might be happy with their place but others aren't as privileged. And yes, having been physically beaten by your ex is fucking awful and nobody should have to have dealt with that but that doesn't mean you understand everything. And neither does a social work degree. I don't fit her idea of someone who's been abused and she doesn't like that. I wasn't abused by a partner and the physical abuse was... Not as prevalent as every other kind. The sexual abuse was a big thing but... Idk. Rn I am not focusing on that very much and I'm grateful for that because if I was, I'm certain it wouldn't go well. The thing I talk about most was the emotional abuse and manipulation as well as the neglect. When I wasn't being told I would get laughed at for wearing emo stuff to school, I was being told my medical condition wasn't bad and I was just looking for attention. I was called a whiner for expressing any pain. And I am not saying I was perfect. But I was a child. I should have been taken seriously and I for damn sure should have been taught the basic skills that one needs to survive. I was told to just pick thing up little by little each day but like? What does that entail? I'd ask for individual steps and be looked at like I was lying. I was consistently treated like filth you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask to be kept. I didn't ask for any of this. I was handed a shit hand and now I'm making the best of it. But without Sara, I would have never been able to make what I have of myself. She understood me. She saw my pain and validated it and showed me that I wasn't alone in this and proved that she had my back. She proved to me that I could trust her. And. She. Rooted. For. Me. When I was struggling to make it through the hardest parts she was there, urging me onwards with encouraging words. She never tossed me a "Oh, just get over yourself." Or anything like that. She was on my fucking side and she proved that. Beyond a reasonable doubt, she proved that she was trustworthy and behind me every step of the way. She sacrificed and risked for me and the fact that anyone would express disdain for her being credited pisses me off. What was Sarah Wolf doing when I was breaking down over losing all my things in 2016? Blaming me, that's what. What was she doing when I applied for section 8? Telling me it was selfish to apply and that I didn't need it as much as some people so I shouldn't apply. Sara helped me put in the application. She actually pushed me to even do it because I didn't really want to at first. Sara was the driving force behind the best decisions I have made these past few years. Hell, even Yoshi. I made that decision to take him in on my own. But Sara said she thought it was good for me to have an animal. Sarah Wolf said I should listen to Mark and give him away. And now she pretends like it was all her idea when I didn't consult anyone else before making this decision. This was my decision. And Yoshi was one of the absolute best decisions I ever made. Full stop. I made that decision. And one encouraged me to do good while the other tried to guilt trip me for it. Sarah Wolf primarily provided physical needs. And that's great. Totally appreciated. But the advice does not fit my life and I vehemently reject it.

Sara knows me. She spent 20 minutes to an hour a week talking to me about the deepest stuff that Sarah Wolf still has never heard me talk about. Sarah Wolf doesn't know how much I first freaked out when I first had that memory of the rape lodged in my brain. She doesn't know that Grover took some time out of the bar to hug me and tell me he was taking me to Cici's the next day to get my mind off of it. She doesn't know that I wanted to kill myself that night. She doesn't know that Yoshi meowing at me pulled me back from the edge that night. And she certainly doesn't know that imagining Sara's reaction to the news of my death is what gave me resolve to not do it. Because during that time, she was recovering from her spinal surgery. She was out for another month and a half still. And I didn't want her to come back from that to the news that I had killed myself after remembering that I had been violently raped at a very young age by my own father. That's partly what saved me that night. But that alone was what gave me the resolve to stay alive at least until she got back. And when she got back, I ended up telling her... But I had to get a few other things out first. And I said "One more thing and prepare yourself because it's... Really heavy." And she did. And I told her. And there was a moment where time stood still. And she said she didn't know what to say... Kind of stumbled a moment and said that again but added she was here for me and she would do anything she could to support me. And that meant the world to me. I knew she would, too. I knee before I told her. I knew she would be there for me. And she was. She promised and delivered. She never promised anything there was a chance she couldn't deliver. She always told me the truth. She proved time and time again how much she gave a fuck. And I don't respect when people try to doubt her presence in my life as a positive experience.

[putittosleep-blog]

Black and White.

Flick.

The click and immediate heat of my lighter has somehow become therapeutic for me over the years.

Through the ups and downs of attempting to quit this nasty habit since the day I graduated high school plagued me. What started as a bout of teenage rebellion began something I, almost ten years later, could not seem to break.

I’d never get addicted to this shit. I got this.

Ha. Yeah, right.

My New Year’s resolution has been somewhat successful. Drinking and smoking have certainly coddled me through a lot of stress and celebration during college and beyond, but I guess this year I just got tired of the bullshit. I’ve only slipped up a couple of times, I swear. Okay. Maybe that’s not true either. The drinking cessation is easy as hell, but smoking...well, that’s another story.

Hiding my sneak smokes from my girlfriend the last two months hasn’t been too hard considering she lives 30 minutes away and I can go long enough without nicotine for 48 hours without becoming a raging, anxiety-ridden bitch. When we started dating last July, she expressed her disgust in a polite way, but I knew she hated that I smoked. She was the biggest reason, well, the reason I decided to try quitting again.

I pass the same Powerball billboard everyday on my way home from work. I began taking this way shortly into my stint at my current job; a 40 hour a week excuse to lose myself in music and audiobooks. The work was pretty easy, although it proved to be monotonous more than anything. Several times a day, I daydream. My mind flies along a journey of my band reaching stardom, my girlfriend someday telling me she wanted to get married even though in real life she abhors the idea the marriage, and winning the lottery. I pass by this same billboard at least five days a week and never bring myself to some shithole gas station to try my luck.

This seemed to be the pattern of everything else in my life for the last few years. Ideas of grandeur swirl in my head. When they hit, I’m ready to put in work. Ask me again in a few hours, though. Basically, I’m clueless and wonder why I ever thought I could bring success into my life somehow.

It’s like I’m stuck in this perpetual idea circle of death. I could be anything: a famous musician, a writer, a producer, an actor...the list goes on and on. Most days I wish I was really good at one thing so I knew what the fuck my life’s purpose was. This shitstorm has been a recurring issue since I can remember.

Ninth grade me was so certain of what she wanted: A doctorate from a cool liberal arts college with a small private practice counseling people who suffered from ailments she never knew she’d suffer from as she got older. Hm. That’s another thing. I need to see a psychologist. Another thing to put on the list that will never get done.

How did I even get here? What the hell is “here”, anyway? Here I am at 26 and I’m...normal. I’m fucking normal. I live a 9-5 life, tell everyone I’m in a band (a really good band that seems to lack any organization or motivation as of late), and someone who just flies under the radar pretending to know how to adult. Ninth grade me would fucking laugh so hard. Ninth grade me would be so pissed. Fuck that: I’m pissed now.

I take another secret drag off a cigarette from a fresh pack I bought today that I told myself I wouldn’t buy for the sixth time this year. Yes, I’ve counted. I’m going through these things like crazy for someone who claims to have stopped smoking. I’m just a fuck up these days, it seems.

God. If someone read this right now, they’d think I was writing some sort of suicide note. I digress.

Anxiety’s been high today. The often described “impending sense of doom” when speaking of anxiety sufferers is fucking real, y’all. So real. The pit in my stomach was huge last night. Not sure if it was my typical anxiety surrounding the very strange (to me, at least) relationship I have with my girlfriend that often gives me “she loves me, she loves me not” vibes on the daily, or if it was the text that one of my bandmates sent last night saying he “wasn’t prepared to practice”. That was strange of him. He’s the one always lecturing the bassist and me about not being prepared. For once, it was him and for once, it was weird. I resorted to meditation last night to calm the swarm of hornets in head. That seemed to help.

I’m always in my fucking head. It’s all I can remember. I’m never able to enjoy anything because I’m thinking about the future and the consequences of everything I do. I’m thinking of what other people are thinking.

How do I look? Did I just say something really stupid? Are they gonna talk about me as soon as I walk away to go to the bathroom?

I could go on, but this is just a preview of what’s going on in my head. I acknowledge this isn’t uncommon at all, but I feel like it is for me because I was so happy growing up. An empath for sure, but I was truly happy.

That fuck almost hit me. Watch the road, asshole.

At this point, I’m about five minutes away from home. I’ve done so much thinking that I feel like I haven’t even looked at the Interstate since I was deep in thought.

Maybe I should stop and get that Powerball ticket. I’m tired, though.

Literally lol’ing at me saying I’m tired. I do nothing all day. I sit in a chair, put myself through mental agony with my own insecurities, and get my job done. How could that possibly take anything out of me? Lately I’ve begun to see the toll of my stress and anxiety on my body. I don’t want to do anything except retreat to my computer or bed, whether that is to FaceTime my girlfriend and watch Buffy (what an amazing series) or just listen to music and lose myself in Wikipedia articles. The older I get, the more I hate being around most people. If you took a peek at my very public and busy Facebook page, you’d think differently. I’ve got 1100 “friends” and try to stay engaged, although my new-ish job has luckily taken me away from posting so much since I actually enjoy being so busy that I can’t rely on social media for entertainment most of my day. Seriously though, I’m so over people. Maybe with the election of an Oompa Loompa, I’ve started to see how ugly people can be. People I once called “friends”. Either way, I enjoy my retreats. My retreats have affected my desire to create. Most of the time, save for times like these where I need to write just about everything out to make sense of it, I just have no motivation. I could practice that new drum lick I saw on Instagram, but I’d rather watch Netflix. Like...what the fuck is that? That is so not me. I hardly recognize myself anymore. It’s like that stupid meme, “Why are you like this”?

Seriously, though...Why ARE you like this?

I roll into my neighborhood and am welcomed back into reality again noticing a nicely dressed guy with hair like my brother’s walking.

Clearly that guys isn’t a Jehovah’s witness. He ain’t got no Watchtowers or nothin’. Shit, I need to do something physical. I’m really tired, though and I need to write. I’m really in my thoughts today. Maybe I should work on writing a song. Maybe look at buying new gear. I need drum heads anyway.

The rocks crunch against my tires as I enthusiastically pull into the driveway, get out of the car, and walk in. I grab a pack of Gushers and almost immediately head to my computer to sit here and write this.

Today, I realized that I literally have no idea what the fuck I’m doing but I get up everyday and do what needs to be done to survive. That is living. Well, that’s what living is for me right now, on this day, at this time. However, life is cyclical. We are all evidence of that. Life isn’t always supposed to be about having the best day everyday. It’s about just doing the shit you need to do to get by sometimes. Sometimes we just don’t have the daily dose of high energy to make everyday awesome. That’s what makes our memories, though. Those days were things just happened to turn out. While I’m not happy that it seems like I’ve been living this black and white lifestyle forever, I remember a time where it wasn’t like that.

I don’t know who the hell this writing is going to reach, but to the few people who may find it: I hope you find some solace in this. Life is fucking mundane as shit sometimes. You may pass that billboard for a whole year, but your life could change the one day your brain finally convinces you to buy the Powerball ticket. You life could change that one day you decide to write. Or hell, it may not. That was cheesy as fuck. What I’m trying to say is we’re all due to run through these cycles where the world feels like it’s black and white all year round. You can’t force your way through it.

I am allowing myself to feel what I need to feel. It’s hard, but I’m learning so much about myself by welcoming these feelings of sadness. That acknowledgement of those feelings has helped me to realize what things hold importance in my life.

It is okay for your priorities to change.

I’ll write that again.

It is okay for your priorities to change.

As I’ve written all of this, that thought dawned on me and I think I may have finally understood the root of a lot of my problems.

I should do this more often.

[datingadviceonreddit]

Just found out my (37f) boyfriend (35m) has been frequently hanging out with his secret/mentally ill ex-wife (33F) behind my back the whole time we’ve been dating and lying about it.I’m so upset, I feel like my brain has been replaced with a can of clearance-cart refried beans. Apologies if this is all over the place, my head is a mess and I am completely gutted.After months, nay, YEARS of going on disappointing and borderline disastrous dates, (I use OLD sites, live in a fairly large New England City, dating here is really tough for some reason), I finally met a guy who I really clicked with.Our first date was the honestly the best date I had ever been on, the chemistry was ebullient and I walked home from the pub feeling like my $39 TJ Maxx heels were filled with some sort of sidewalk skimming helium. To my luck, that infatuated feeling was mutual and we have been almost inseparable ever since. We became close very quickly and it developed into him staying with me a few nights out of the week. I enjoyed his company and didn’t feel overwhelmed, this was significant step for me because I am a serial introvert/loner who needs great amounts of time alone to be happy and functioning.We fell in love quickly and became very close. We established within a week of seeing each other that we both wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with each other.Two months in, he tells me he loves me, and that the past 2 months have been the best of his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Of course I’m elated because I feel the same and truly felt he was everything I wanted. All of it. Incredible chemistry sexually and intellectually. I thought “this was it”. No more dating apps! We’re in it for the long haul! This is awesome! I was on Cloud nine.Then Quarantine happens. Not to rub it in people faces… but being stuck together at my apartment created a a fast-tracked version of a bout of blissful intimacy. I live alone, so he would come over just about every other day. We filled the time with so many fun things- we baked weird stuff, played Trivial Pursuit, made fun dinners, built a bird feeder, went on hikes, binged TV shows. Stay up all night listening to music and laughing, sometimes having sex 4 times a day…3 times in one night… we couldn’t get enough of each other. We would just lay in bed and stare into each others eyes. It was like something out of a movie. We both have 9-5 corporate jobs, so we would work from home together as well. It was hilariously fun.As I got to know him in this intimate and accelerated courting situation, he presented to me a stable, loving, honest, intelligent and loyal man with strong values that aligned with mine.As all couples do, we shared our past relationship baggage/history. So out it comes….He had just broken up with his “girlfriend” (this is what he called her) of five years the previous summer. So he had been single for just a few months before meeting me. He said they were two different people who weren’t compatible and had no right being with each other. He said that she suffered from severe mental illness and depended on him emotionally and financially and despite being an adult woman, couldn’t support herself in any way. They met in a PHD program while in London (he’s British, she’s American) and said she was on a myriad of prescription medication and exhibited self-harming behavior.. He described it as a toxic relationship, devoid of sex and intimacy. They both moved to Boston a few years ago together and that after the break up, he said he no longer had contact with her and she lived upstate on a farm with her family and a dog they had bought together like a month before they broke up. (they bought the dog together, not the farm)It sounded messy but hey, it’s in the past. Everything is great. We’re together, life goes on. I think nothing of it, or her.Fast forward a few weeks later, he comes over to my house and as I’m cooking dinner for us, he flippantly mentions that he just got back from the farm where he had been hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and dog all day. Like so casually, as if he had just said “yeah I had a 6-inch footlong tuna at Subway for lunch”. I was floored, started shaking and just couldn’t believe what I had just heard. I was confused and felt threatened and insecure.Apparently he had driven 2 hours up to the farm where she works and claims to have “barely even exchanged 5 sentences with her” and “he just went to see his dog”. So of course I get quiet. I don’t even know what to say. He asks what’s wrong, like as in he has no idea how I could possibly be bothered by this. I explain to him that I feel that seeing her is inappropriate and I feel threatened by it. He seems surprised and says it was no big deal and he will continue to do it because he loves and misses his dog. No reassurance at all, no apology… nothing. We eat dinner in silence and I finally tell him I feel like I am second in priority to a fucking DOG and he isn’t taking my feelings into consideration.I ask him to leave. He does.He contacts me the following day and tells me that after after thinking about it, he realizes that since it bothers me, he won’t ever see her or the dog again. I felt like I had possibly come off as slightly controlling but I believed I wasn’t being unreasonable. I had been cheated on by a boyfriend in the past (his respective ex was the other woman) so this issue was a huge point of pain for me and knew this.So then things go back to normal.. or so I thought.This past Friday, while on the couch snuggling together, I see a text message notification pop up from the ex girlfriend. He slides it away and flips his phone over. He then spends the rest of the night faced away from me texting and giggling with a sly smile. I was gutted and knew something was up. After I had just cooked him homemade manicotti. THE BASTARD.We go to bed and my mind is racing. I can’t sleep. I know this is emotionally immature and an invasion of his privacy, but after he fell asleep I took his phone into my living room to look through the messages. I find what was my worst fear, he had been carrying on with her continuously without pause. I’m not sure if they ever even broke up. The messages went back even before we had met and the latest was just a few minutes before he fell asleep in MY BED with the mother fucking wine I BOUGHT in his stupid stomach. Good for her. There were many messages, hell, they even texted each other more than he and I did. He would send us both the same memes and funny twitter posts. To her credit, her responses were funnier than mine. Good for her.As I went through the messages I discovered they saw each other almost every other day (I am actually shocked at how he juggled his time so well between us). All of the messages coordinating hangouts was him pursuing her and asking her to hang out. Telling her she is cute. Saying I miss you. Driving two hours to help her move or work on their farm. She even cooked him a birthday dinner. He told me he was with his mates that’s night. Stupidly, I spent the whole night painting him something beautiful and making a ten hour braised Osso Bucco for him while he’s over at her house eating fried vegetables with staring at her dead-eyed troll looking ass.So I stayed up all night and even recorded the messages on my phone for evidence so he couldn’t try to deny anything. I popped a Xanax so I could stay calm and not break my remote control over his stupid head when he woke up. He finally woke up at six am, I told him to sit down and told him what I saw.The blood drained from his head and he started to string along a myriad of explanations… that they were “just friends” and that he feels indebted to her because she is suicidal, mentally unstable and not self-sufficient. He claims that she has no one else to talk to, has no friends and her family is pure abusive trash (even though she lives with them and they all run a non-profit farm that helps low income people eat healthy foods, what monsters they must be!)He feels like he has to take care of her because she is such a mess and a danger to herself yet this woman is a professor at a large university and is head of a farm, so I don’t know how much of a mess she could possibly be. It all sounded like a bunch of bull, but was entertaining watching him attempt to deny and lie what I had just seen in plain black and white text. I then ask him if they were married, because a text message had referenced a $2400 stimulus check and he said NO, they were just engaged. I asked him if they were still together, he said no. The cherry on top was that at no point did he apologize.He claimed that they barely talked and hardly ever saw each other, which was so brazen considering he knew what I had just seen. He said that he can’t stand when she opens her mouth and just complains all of the time. He also said that his therapist has been urging him to break communication off with her because she is toxic. Not sure if this is true. The most hurtful part of all of this is is that the day after he swore he would never see her again, he texted her asking if he could come see her and then drove up to her place to hang out.After about 15 minutes of talking, I couldn’t deal with any more of his crappy attempts at explaining so I just asked him to leave.The next day he called me and admitted to me that they were in fact married, still married and they got married in England so she could stay in the country. Is this even a thing? I asked him if they were intimate since we had been together and he said no.He keeps calling me to talk but I deny his calls. I was in love with this person, deeply. The idea of never seeing him again makes me so so so sad, yet I don’t know how this emotion can possibly exist inside me considering how much pain he’s caused me by lying, repeatedly. Should I at least hear him out even if we don’t reconcile? And if we do decide to somehow make it work, how does one even operate successfully as a couple after such breach of trust? He lied multiple times and he is swearing that this is an isolated incident and doesn’t reflect who he is as a person and his core values. My self esteem is pretty low right now and I feel like someone stuck a Taco Bell spork into my chest cavity.TLDR- My (ex, I guess) boyfriend had been hanging out with his ex-wife while we were dating who he claimed to never be married to and is trying to reconcile with me. Where do we go now? via /r/dating_advice