#for reawakening my vine obsession

[howlerbat]

I was inspired

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

my year in review (data/stats/numbers)

this year, mental illness kicked my ass until it didn't (when fabba came back), and then about a week ago, it started kicking my ass again. i wish i had spent more of the year escaping into art. 2023 was the first year in a while, i feel, that has had this low numbers.

part of that is because my special interest in the 2000s emo scene was reawakened by fob's return, so much of my year was spent re-obsessing over them. rediscovering a bunch of music that made me happy ages 12-15, a time period full of suicidal ideation. my suicidal thoughts and impulses were slain, once again, by the fabbaboos like champions in an arena. 'are you not entertained?' and all that.

(the only 're-'s i am counting are film re-watches, so no album re-listens are counted in that. so a bunch of the stuff i did this year is not being counted! i actually listened to a lot more music than i have catalogued here, i just don't personally log re-listens in my physical media log, so they aren't counted here.)

another part of this is that i spent so much of the year working on my own projects, working on myself, and trying to manage my mental illnesses. i quit drugs and wanting to kill myself! i'm learning spanish! i'm graduating in a few months! this is not an apology; i just prefer to do a lot more stuff to distract me from all the horribleness in my life </3.

this is a (hopefully) complete-ish log of stuff i did this year bc i like number and data and keeping logs because i have an intense, immense fear of lack of permanence/forgetting/losing things because i have lost and forgotten so much stuff in my life 😁😁😁

this is going to get long, so i'm putting it under a cut.

movies watched: 54

top 10 best movies, loosely ranked best to worst:

the revenge of frankenstein (1958) (re-watch) (5 stars)

moustachette (2009) (re-watch) (5 stars)

a field in england (2013) (5 stars)

barbie (2023) (5 stars)

the curse of frankenstein (1957) (re-watch) (5 stars)

spider-man: across the spider-verse (2023) (5 stars)

how to get ahead in advertising (1989) (5 stars)

field of dreams (1989) (5 stars)

the boy and the heron (2023) (4.5 stars)

withnail & i (1987) (4.5 stars)

die hard (1988) (4.5 stars)

honorable mentions: akira (1988), his girl friday (1940), juno (2007), guardians of the galaxy vol. 3 (2023), a clockwork orange (1971)

top 5 worst films, loosely ranked worst to best:

black jack (1981) (2 stars)

lust for a vampire (1971) (2 stars)

some may live (1967) (3 stars)

renfield (2023) (3 stars)

men at work (1990) (3 stars)

*

i don't really watch that much television, so i'm not logging it here. i did watch a bunch of tv, but not enough to really warrant a wrapped.

*

books read: 7 (+3 issues of do a powerbomb) (+ part of great expectations by charles dickens, but i haven't finished it yet 🥰)

ranked, best to worst:

gray by pete wentz, james montgomery (4.5 stars)

landline by rainbow rowell (4.5 stars)

the last command by timothy zahn (4.5 stars)

the secret diary of laura palmer by jennifer lynch (4 stars)

attachments by rainbow rowell (4 stars)

specter of the past by timothy zahn (3.5 stars)

do a powerbomb by daniel warren johnson (first three issues, 3.5 average stars)

death star by steve perry, michael reaves (2 stars)

*

i still haven't received my spotify wrapped in full because it won't load all the way through, so that is going to have to wait. but i am an album listener through and through, so here are some album stats!

i'm only counting albums that are new to me/i previously hadn't listened to all the way through, so this doesn't count re-listens :/

this also IS counting eps.

albums listened to: 29

top 10 albums, best to worst:

soul punk (2011) by patrick stump (5 stars)

so much (for) stardust (2023) by fall out boy (5 stars)

purple rain (1984) by prince (5 stars)

hot mess (2009) by cobra starship (5 stars)

transgender dysphoria blues (2014) by against me! (5 stars)

can't buy a thrill (1972) by steely dan (5 stars)

like vines (2006) by the hush sound (5 stars)

bleed american (2001) by jimmy eat world (5 stars)

this is why (2023) by paramore (4.5)

flamboyant (2019) by dorian electra (4.5 stars)

honorable mentions: where sleeplessness is rest from nightmares (2001) by arma angelus; the land is inhospitable and so are we (2023) by mitski; old world underground, where are you now? (2003) by metric; phantomime (ep) (2023) by ghost; sempiternal (2013) by bring me the horizon

loosely ordered, non-exhaustive 10 of my favorite new-to-me songs:

fake out by fall out boy

run dry (x heart x fingers) / cryptozoology by patrick stump

love from the other side by fall out boy

thick skull by paramore

so much (for) stardust by fall out boy

allie by patrick stump

bleed american by jimmy eat world

i would die 4 u by prince (there would be more prince on this list, but i had listened to much of purple rain already, so!)

you're not in on the joke by cobra starship

to feel no more bitterness forever by arma angelus

*

personal project wrapped!

poems: 37

the bc wip: 6146 words (daily writing streak not broken since i started it 😁)

the mi wip: 836 words

the epdb wip: 1697 words

other stuff: ???

i've written too many songs/scraps of songs to count those.

*

10 favorite real world things + stuff i'm grateful/proud that happened:

got hardcore back into fall out boy !

saw fall out boy live !

saw ghost live !

sobered up and became straight edge !

overcame suicidal urges (kinda) !

have been learning how to read music and play piano better !

went to the pmu !

read 'gray' by pete wentz !

curbed my righteous anger / learned to cope with anger better !

have been learning spanish !

honorable mentions: learning to be a better friend, have been keeping up a writing streak with the bc wip + haven't missed a single day since i started, started the mi wip, have been putting myself out there more, doing things scared, writing a shit ton of poetry + sharing it, got clandestine merch, keeping to my dietary restrictions, recovering from onychotillomania!

[joonkorre]

when i first saw you, the end was soon

this song got me obsessed with the underrated "fallen god & their last worshipper" trope and boom here we are. AO3

I am the lone worshipper of you, a long-forgotten deity. The cathedral I live in is the one the scriptures said you've built with your bare hands. One day, I sweep the courtyard and clear away the vines that have sprawled every which way the night before, a task I've been doing in the cold morning air for the past 500 years. I find you, curled up under the sad yew tree. Your body is bare, bruised and purpled with cuts and scars. You can just be any girl, perhaps you got lost in the ancient woods and ended up here. But one look at you, and I know.

I carry you in and lay you before your altar. The vines can look after themselves. Hundreds of candles flicker and flare at your sight. I lather your roughen skin with warm water and dress you in my robes, for I have nothing else. You look beautiful like that, like you're mine to love. But you are barely breathing. Your wounds ooze tar.

I don't know the last time I've eaten ever since you came under my care. Day and night, I am by your side and nurse you back to health. I clean the cathedral, I replace the candles, I let scrolls and tomes flutter to their rightful places, I cry bitterly onto the ground. Is it my grief or my faith that embeds itself into my tears, that the garden has flourished and smells of sunlight and divinity? Perhaps it's you. You are why I'm here, you are why the garden grows, you are why anything exists.

It has taken years, but your wounds have closed up. Your breathing is still soft and silent, but your hair has grown longer. Your cheeks have a rosy tint to them, and your skin is no longer cold. Your eyes remain unmoving.

I don't know if I am doing what humans do. I don't remember much about humans, about how long they live, if they eat or drink, if they debase themselves by worshipping other deities than you. I reckon I am no longer human, but I am no god. I can never be a god like you, but I will be godly, as you want me to.

The day you wake, the wind changes direction as I stand on the roof. It carries a peculiar scent of hurricanes and earthquakes, and I let my feet carry me to you. The cathedral thrums and hums. It is alive because you are alive. And your eyes are open, staring at the faded heavens painted on the ceiling. When I kneel by you, breathless, you turn to look at me. You are confused.

"Shouldn't I be..." you say, raising a shaking hand, "dead?"

"No," I say. I take a hold of your hand and press it to my cheek. My heart thunders when you don't recoil at my act of disrespect. "Never."

Your reawakening has surely traveled through mountains and oceans, to the lost corners of the world's memories.

You can feel it, too. You slither your arms around my neck and draw me to you, holding me tight. I clutch your shoulders, marvel at your hair, how you feel against me. You are divine, invincible, with one word you can crumble nations. But you find comfort in my warmth, and that is something no epic nor ballad can compare.

Every eye is veered in your direction. They pay attention, but it doesn't matter, because your attention is on me.

"Don't go," your plea is whispered into my collarbone.

"My Lord," your breath hitches, "the Holiest One, surely I can't be of use to you now that you're-"

"Don't. You are no mere follower," you look up at me. "I have waited all my life for you."

Your eyes contain all that is true and real in the world. When your bottom lip quivers, when your eyelids lower just a bit, when your sigh is hot against my chin, when my body moves closer before I can think, I know you are not behind my actions. What I do, what I feel for you is entirely out of my own free will. And with all the logic and reason I possess, I choose to fall.

Perhaps I've always been falling. But I see you standing at the bottom of the pit, and nothing hurts anymore.

Soon, they will come for you. They will drag you away from me. They are arming their men, they are on their way.

I know for a fact that I would rather perish than let that happen. My lips touch the quickening pulse of your tender neck, your heated fingers draw circles on my nape, and I know you would do the same for me.