#for non-hockey examples of non-men: rutina wesley. lucy liu.

[crosbyism]

now I must know who you consider outrageously hot. sid? nate? other non-hockey fellows?

lmao ok anon ur on. to be frank while sid and nate both scratch very specific itches in my aesthetic brain and i go heart eyes AWOOGA every time nate wears what i call his “assassin outfit” (the travel day one where he’s wearing a turtleneck), that is like. my favourite food. y’know? like i recognise that those men are very hot to ME, specifically, and not necessarily objectively so hot you can’t look at them directly. my fave restaurant, which is not listed in the guide michelin or the san pellegrino top 100. you know what i mean.

there are VERY few men in the nhl i would even consider for the “can’t look at him directly” drop dead gorgeous intimidatingly hot category. i’m talkin’ palm sweat, can’t look them directly in the eyes when you shake their hand kinda hot. the type of hot that makes you self-conscious about even looking at them, where you have to remind yourself not to stare. where you get physically flustered by their looks. Anna Kasterova kinda hot.

but you know what: i’ll pick out a couple guys for ya, anon. disclaimer: gabe landeskog and kris letang are incapable of making this list because as a pens n avs fan i’ve had exposure therapy to them. In no particular order:

Alex Wennberg

if i had to shake alex wennberg’s hand, i’d have to look at his left earlobe to do it. i’d be the guy getting jittery just ‘cause of his eyes. that’s not a natural shade of blue. because i’m a parody of myself, i also have no doubt i’d see his earlobe and go oh no, even that’s handsome somehow. you know how erik johnson once said he was the poor man’s gabe landeskog? well, if we’re talkin’ in those terms, gabe landeskog is the poor man’s alex wennberg. if i sat at a dinner table with this man, i’d strategise to sit next to him so i wouldn’t have to deal with seeing his face all night and giving myself a conversational handicap by drifting off in the middle of a sentence just because i got so mesmerised by his face. intimidatingly handsome.

K’Andre Miller

k’andre miller is easily the most gorgeous guy in the nhl. i’m not sure i could be in the same room as him. that picture of him with his girlfriend? it took me ten minutes to realise that there was a woman in the picture because i was too busy staring at him. and his girlfriend is beautiful!! but not as beautiful as him; alas, it would be a miraculous feat if she were. if attaining perpetual beauty is a sisyphean task, K’Andre Miller is simultaneously the rock the rest of humanity is pushing up that mountain and the benevolent victor at the mountaintop, looking down at us all with kind, pitying eyes. again, simply being in the same room as this man would instantly obliterate me into dust.

Nick Schmaltz

i will admit that i could be in the same room as nick schmaltz and even look him in the face, albeit not for long. but the instant there’s a friendly touch on my shoulder or back, it’s fucking over. nick schmaltz is the kind of beautiful that would induce full-body shivers if he got too close. i’d have a physical reaction from the proximity. he’d think i’d have allergies and i’d have to excuse myself to the bathroom and afterwards maintain 6 feet of distance for the rest of the night, which would no doubt leave him with the impression that i either hated him or was a freaky rude germaphobe.

Honourable Mentions:

Roman Josi

i’ve seen roman josi irl and he really is that handsome in real life. extremely attractive. intimidatingly hot for sure. however, i feel like i could hang out with him in a smaller group for an evening without embarrassing myself, so he doesn’t make the top 3.

Tom Wilson

tom wilson is very hot, but his actual beefcake stature would be the biggest reason to feel intimidated, also i’ve read various brobeans fic too often to not feel somewhat comfortable with the idea of chilling out with tom wilson for sure.

Carey Price

honourable mention bc he doesn’t play anymore. extremely beautiful man. couldn’t be in the same room as him for sure. my god what a beautiful man.