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notesofarichlycolorednight · 4 years ago

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eyooo!! i listened to firesorrow girl [TUMBLR | SOUNDCLOUD] by @gerrydelano and HAD A MIGHTY NEED (to also analyze this)

disclaimer: I have only listened to TMA through one (1), read it ONE time, so if you read something that seems wrong it probably is because my memory is not The Best (the seasons are 40 eps long and 30 mins each, Jonny why) and I’m probably straight-up not remembering or misremembering some aspect or detail about a character/a relationship/a part of their narrative

(and before you say it, i absolutely CANNOT just go relisten to an ep out of order. my nd brain Will Not Let Me until i have listened thru all 4 seasons, In Order, several times)

ALSO: i speak very definitively here, but it doesn’t mean i’m right abt my analysis

italics and bold are lyrics, normal is analysis. if there’s a way i can make this more accessible, lmk!

analysis under cut

little girl tries sleeping in the fireplace at home no one banished her inside it, she just lay down on her own she stares up into the darkness of the chimney and she hopes that someday she may go up in smoke this makes me think abt hilltop road first and foremost (but i have a feeling i’m missing something aljlkdjf) this is also the first hint to agnes’s wavering thoughts abt her being “the chosen one” for the lightless flame she’s already wishing she could burn, or in other words be normal

oh, the ends of her hair curl into embers in the wood beneath her head like a pillow, splintered shoulders in the soot flickers turn to flame and moves in kisses up her arms it loves her, so refuses her a scar i really like the imagery here bc, aside from the splinters, it evokes a softness embers are pretty, pillows are soft, “moves in kisses up her arms” really evokes a gentle intimacy, even before the line “it loves her” but then the last line really solidifies agnes’s relationship with fire--she wishes it would burn her but it loves her too much to do that, so she doesn’t

she doesn't burn oh, she learns again, reinforcing the motif agnes’s relationship with fire--the layers of 1) her not wanting this but 2) the first doesn’t care and loves her anyway i also see it as foreshadowing, or at least leading up to what she learns (put a pin in this)

pretty girl sits quiet in the coffee shop alone staring empty out the window like she used to do at home she feels his eyes fall down upon her from the counter, like a doe the ache of yearning blisters in her bones jack barnabas! hilltop road the use of doe, evokes the visual of “wide eyes,” which, in turn, evokes naivety--jack doesn’t know who agnes is, what she is, or that she could hurt him, even if she didn’t want to love, love, LOVE the fire motif here and used throughout the song--using fire metaphors bc it’s so fitting (put a pin in this)

he follows her up to the hill where water never works to send him down she broke his crown and blessed him with a curse her only kiss a smear of kerosene, a desperation unrehearsed and love made sure to let her know it hurts (love made sure it hurt) this only hit me like after the 5th time listening in a row, but LISTEN, “jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.” i think it could also mean hilltop road, but i do think the stronger theme lies in that nursery rhyme. his name is jack and then to solidify that, “to send him down she broke his crown” vs. “jack fell down and broke his crown” i really love the contradiction of “blessed him with a curse” *ben from parks and rec voice* it’s about the layers. so listen, love is often seen as a blessing. but coming from agnes it’s a curse bc she burns anyone she touches. this is also in reference to her momentarily transferring her curse (the love from the lightless flame/fire) to him through her kiss “smear of kerosene”--another way of using a metaphor that evokes images of fire, and I LOVE IT “a desperation unrehearsed” MORE LAYERS YO. she knows what her touch will do to him but she’s so desperate to feel normal for even a second, she kisses him anyway “and love made sure to let her know it hurts”--going back to her curse, the love from fire/flame, and the destruction is causes bc of this. it could also be representative of how love can be very destructive. ppl often describe “the fires of passion” or passion as being like fire/hot *eyes emoji* i think the addition of “love made sure it hurt” could also communicate how the fire’s love for agnes is possessive--she cannot be normal or human or have any other relationship except with the lightless flame

he burns oh, she learns a parallel to “she doesn’t burn”--the striking difference between her and jack (the lightless flame and the rest of the world) what she learns here, tho, is also a parallel between what she learns at the beginning of the song there she is learning abt herself, here is is learning about everyone else

learns that breathing screamsmoke blackens hearts as much as lungs a heart motif, representative of love another fire-related metaphor that breathing in smoke doesn’t just fill your lungs with soot, but also covers the heart (love) in soot, as well a toxic love, as soot is bad for lungs and hearts it can’t be coughed back out and she can’t glisten like the sun using fire-related metaphors--the soot in her lungs and on her heart cannot be “cleaned” or cleared from her body with the body’s natural reaction to something obstructing breathing, which is coughing listen, i’ve said this before AND YOU’LL HEAR IT AGAIN: i really love “she can’t glisten like the sun” bc the whole point of fire, as the lightless flame sees it, is what the fear is named for: desolation. BUT fire is ultimately a neutral thing. if you respect and carefully control it, it can give warmth and life--like the sun (tho you can’t control the sun lmao). so there are positive aspects to. but not for agnes, given her upbringing and literally how she was conceived there’s no one left to save with love and no one she can touch affection is the pyre built on wildfire in the brush reinforcing her being unable to connect with normal humans bc of who she is ALSO i’m pretty sure this is referencing the bonfire she was born in--the ritual that made her the lightless flame’s messiah also, also, the use of the word “affection” uses the theme that fire itself love agnes, in it’s own, twisted way

her hands were only ever made to press through burning flesh and boiling tears won’t put it out but scald it like the rest referencing her birth again--that she was made to be this messiah for the lightless flame, for their ritual to remake the world through the lens of the desolation also more fire-related metaphors that i am IN LOVE with ugh, and, okay “boiling tears” communicates what agnes is feeling again--that she Does Not want to be their messiah, she just wants to be normal. she doesn’t want what the fire has given her but even her tears burn bc that’s what she is, what she was made for and the love of waxen women makes no difference in the end if never she can make and keep a simple human friend reference to jude, specifically, but other members of the lightless flame, as well. from what i remember, they all loved her but in the way that the fire loves her: possessive and toxic (like soot in the lungs) and then the reinforcement that she’s not human and cannot have the connection with humans she desperately craves, even if it’s just a tiny sliver

she can’t burn oh, she’s learned YO the difference between “she doesn’t burn” and “she can’t burn”--there’s a passiveness to it in the first line, but it’s more active in the second. here me out: as i said before, the “learn” lines communicate the inner thoughts of what agnes is thinking, the revelations she makes as he grows and lives. so “she doesn’t burn” communicates her learning and get used to the fact that fire doesn’t hurt her. versus “she can’t burn” communicates her knowing and accepting that the fire doesn’t hurt her, but she can hurt others with that very same fire. lowkey it’s so hard to articulate this difference, but this is the best my brain came up, hope it makes sense

YOOOO GIVE ME A MOMENT THIS NEXT PART IS MY FAVORITE PART

firesorrow girl says, “hang me up; i’d like to go” (i would like to go) referencing her death--her realizing that bc she’s fallen in love with jack, she can no longer lead the ritual for the lightless flame. but bro, listen, the addition of “i would like to go” is a direct line to what agnes is thinking and feeling. more than not being able to lead the ritual, she doesn’t want to live like this anymore; doesn’t want to live her life unable to make connections with humans this isn’t quite a chimney she can column up to choke (i choose now to choke) a throwback to the first lines about her lying down in the fireplace and looking up through the chimney ALSO has a double meaning here, reinforced by what agnes is thinking: you can choke on smoke. her death involves literal choking the “i choose now to choke” again is a direct line to what agnes is thinking/feeling BUT ALSO a decision she finally gets to make autonomously the weighted hand upon her waist is chained there like a ghost, (always been a ghost) i know you’re probably tired of hearing but i ain’t gonna stop saying it. I REALLY LOVE THIS LINE. the lyrics say one thing, agnes’s internal thoughts say another bc raymond fielding is a ghost. not just like a ghost. he is one to her. i believe it was distortion helen who said that there was a scar on hilltop road. and we find out later that it’s bc hilltop road belonged to the web and even tho agnes burnt the house down, the web still left a mark on her. part of that mark is fielding, who i assume, was an avatar for the web. and it’s quite literal, as agnes never got rid of his hand he literally is a ghost haunting her bc of this but the rope she wears is woven cold with hope (yearning to be cold) THIS LINE BRO,,, i’m gonna say it I FUCKING LOVE IT. of course, referencing the rope she uses to hang herself BUT LISTEN “woven cold with hope” YOOOO THIS IS TAKING THE FIRE LOVES HER THEME AND TURNING IT ON ITS HEAD COMPLETELY she has been burning with fire this entire song, her body a raging inferno, contained in a body that appears human but hurts anything she touches. BUT AT THE END OF THE SONG WE GET THE COLD fire is often associated with warmth is often associated with hope, right?? but this time bc of the circumstances and what fire means to agnes and the lightless flame, being cold, not burning everyone she touches horribly, is her hope ”yearning to be cold” strengthens that message coldness is also associated with death, and here it’s quite literal but it’s also important to note that it’s also still agnes’s hope. so it’s still a very positive thing, even tho it’s associated with very negative things. bro,,, i gotta go lie down

those who can remember sing her name out like a prayer (i am not your prayer) the lightless flame, of course, bc they are a cult. don’t @ me, i’m right BUT “i am not your prayer”: again, a direct line into agnes’s thoughts. she never wanted, nor asked to be their messiah. she was thrust into the position against her will as she was literally borne in flames. from birth she had this shouldered on her. and she doesn’t want it, even in death the music to it hollow of the truth in her despair (hollow with despair) goes along with the “prayer” for her above: the lightless flame sing and mourn her but they’re not mourning her, not agnes, they’re mourning their messiah, the one who was going to lead them through a ritual that would remake the world. their words ring hollow bc of this. and it hurts even more with “in her despair” bc even in agnes’s despair at not being able to connect with a human, as well as not being able to lead the lightless flame like they wanted her too, they’re only mourning the idea of agnes they’ve created in their minds, not who agnes really was in wickerwind the crackleburn of candles cries for fate (i rewrite my fate) and firesorrow girl may someday be chosen again (firechosen girl, again) i LOVE the use of “wickerwind” and “crackleburn.” no analysis i just love the way they sound okay but the “cries for fate.” i think this has a lot of meanings. one is the fire crying out either about agne’s ultimate fate (having to kill herself or die, anyway) and/or crying out for another to fill her position (putting agnes’s fate onto someone else’s shoulders). another is the lightless flame also crying out for the same reasons. and the third is agnes, herself, crying out about her unfair fate. i think that last one is strengthened by “i rewrite my fate.” a common but powerful theme in many stories of a character defying fate bc it’s unacceptable to them. it’s also wholly contradictory to what the lightless flame wanted and then, of course, the second line strengthens the idea that they’re already looking for another messiah for their ritual

and so the wheel turns ‘round and ‘round

final note abt the music that is probably wrong bc i’m not musically inclined BUT i have been listing to sideways on youtube, who is very musically inclined. and that makes me an expert right? /s anyway, what i wanted to note abt this musical structure is that the beats aren’t the usual 4/4 that most popular songs use these days.

and what that means is that you get gratification ever 4 beats. (sideways describes it way better than i ever could here) this song doesn’t follow that structure (i think lakjlkdjf again, i’m not musically inclined at all) and i think it really adds to the theme of how agnes feels: trapped with this fire burning inside her until she finally chooses freedom (tho i know it’s more complicated than that in-verse).

now whether was was purposeful or not, i have no idea. but still a cool detail i, personally, noticed.

again hope it was semi-coherent. as with my other analysis, i just listened to the song and wrote what i was thinking, stream of consciousness

bloodwater ballad analysis | bonus meme i made for these analyses bc it’s funny and i wanted to share

#tma #the magnus archives #tma meta #(kinda)#agnes montague #jude perry #chirp.meta

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buckthegrump · 5 years ago

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Whenever You’re Ready

Summary: Bucky lost the love of his life three years ago and he’s still trying to figure out how to deal with that. But that gets harder when he gets an unexpected visitor.

Warnings: Mentions of death, angst, so much angst, fluff, a whole lot of feelings y’all

Word Count: 6.2k

A/n: I had this thought and needed to write it

“I’m sorry, sir,” the officer said, “We have reason to believe that -”

Bucky stopped listening after the officer said ‘I’m sorry’. The words ‘I’m sorry’ were never followed by good news. Or even just neutral news, it’s almost exclusively followed by bad news. Especially when the ‘I’m sorry, sir’ comes from a doctor or a police officer.

But it didn’t matter that Bucky had stopped listening because he knew what they were about to say. They were going to tell him that they couldn’t find her body and that they were presuming her dead. But she couldn’t be dead. Y/n had promised that she wouldn’t die on him.

“We also lost his trail,” the officer finished.

“What?” Bucky’s head snapped up.

“He disappeared.”

* * *

Bucky sat up. The room was dark and silent. He glanced at the clock already knowing what time it was 1:35 am. The exact time that he was told that his fiance had been killed. No, not killed. Murdered.

It was the same dream, same memory, every year on the same day and he woke up at the exact same time. He was positive that no matter how many years passed it would be the same. He didn’t know if it would be worse if it was a happy memory that reminded him of what he was missing, or if he should be glad he was stuck with the worst night of his life.

The dream happened for months after and then it slowed to once a month until it only happened on the day.

He could roll over and try to fall back asleep but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to. He threw the covers off of him exposing his legs to the cool air of the room. He got up and made his way to the bathroom.

The water from the shower was as hot as it could possibly be. The hope was that it would get so hot it would burn away the pain, but nothing he tried was taking away the pain. The grief group he went to was just starting to make the pain a little less but -

Hours passed and the once nearly boiling water turned to ice against his back. All he wanted was to stay in the shower but he was meeting friends soon.

At 9:30 Bucky got into his car and drove to the cafe. Sam and Steve were waiting for him when he walked in. His friends decided that day when Bucky found out that he shouldn’t be alone on that day and so every year on that day, they would take the day off and spend all day together.

Sam was the first one to spot Bucky, he smiled and waved.

“You were almost late, Barnes,” Sam said calling Steve’s attention to the new arrival.

“Well,” Bucky said as he sat down in the empty chair at the table, “I don’t think I could be late anywhere.”

Sam and Steve chuckled slightly at this. They remember the countless fights that Y/n and Bucky got into about being late versus showing up at least five minutes early. Y/n won and now ever since Bucky’s been on time for everything.

“How are you doing, Buck?” Steve asked. Bucky shrugged. “Did you have the dream again?”

“Yeah,” Bucky whispered. “I pulled out one of her dresses the other day, it doesn’t smell like her anymore. And I’m having trouble remembering the last time I told her that I loved her. But the day I found out she was dead -” he laughed humorlessly, “that day I can remember perfectly. It’s really fucked up when you think about it.”

Sam began talking about one thing or another and the conversation started flowing easily. And for a while, Bucky’s heart didn’t feel as heavy as he knew it was but it was nice to feel lighter.

After their coffee, they all went to watch a movie that ended up being terrible. It was about a man who didn’t know the ‘real’ value of life until his wife left him and took the kids. Sam leaned over and whispered snarky comments in Bucky’s ear. Bucky only heard about half of them, the ones he did hear were rather funny.

But Bucky couldn’t help but think about how lucky this guy was that he got a second chance. That he was able to go back to his wife and tell him everything on his mind, and Bucky would give anything to have that chance.

* * *

After the movie, Bucky got into his car and when he looked into the rearview mirror he saw Y/n. He gasped and looked out the windshield and then back into the mirror but she was no longer there. He let out a sigh of relief.

“What’s your problem?”

Bucky’s head snapped to his passenger seat where Y/n sat. She was looking at him.

“What?” She asked with a cheeky smile.

He turned back toward the wheel of the car and started driving.

“Did I do something?” She asked clicking her seatbelt into place. “Are you mad at me? Is it because I said that Star Wars isn’t as revolutionary as Legally Blonde? Because I’m right I don’t know why you’re trying to fight it, I’m always right? Also, do you think Firefly might be overrated? Because I have a theory that if they had more seasons it would’ve been one of those shows that started out great but then just ended terribly.”

Bucky gripped the steering wheel as tightly as he could. His bottom lip was shaking and every breath felt like it might be his last. She continued to talk like this was an everyday occurrence. Like Bucky hadn’t been slowly dying from the inside out because the love of his life, his soulmate had left him to live in this world without her.

“Ok, baby blue,” the nickname made Bucky tear up, “what is up? Is this because of the Star Wars thing? Or have you changed your mind about marrying me?”

“Never,” he whispered. He glanced over at her half afraid that once he acknowledged her she would disappear. She was still there beaming at him with her wild eyes that sparkled and her hair pulled back in two french braids.

“Good, because I was thinking about some things that should happen for the wedding,” Y/n continued to talk wedding the rest of the way home.

At every turn, Bucky was sure that she would vanish but she didn’t, she just talked and didn’t mind that Bucky wasn’t saying much of anything (which wasn’t too different than when she was alive). He was just going to see this time as a gift. Live in this fantasy for the rest of the day because there was no way that this would continue after he fell asleep.

While Bucky was getting ready for bed Y/n sat in bed and watched him.

“Wow,” she said in her best Owen Wilson voice, “My fiance is hot as fuck.”

Bucky snickered and rolled his eyes. He climbed into bed, he laid on his stomach head faced towards the ghost of his dead fiancee.

“Goodnight gumdrop,” he muttered.

“Sleep tight, baby blue,” she whispered and Bucky could’ve sworn that he felt her kiss his forehead.

And for the first time in what felt like forever, Bucky Barnes fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

The first thing that registered was a horn blaring past him. He blinked his eyes a few times trying to figure out what was happening. He was in his car stopped on the side of the road off of US 26. It was dark outside and he was on the portion of the highway that was surrounded by a forest.

He looked to his passenger seat but just like he suspected Y/n wasn’t there. The more concerning issue was; how did he get here? And why was it 2 am?

He chalked it up to sleepwalking and drove back home. He flopped back into bed instantly going back to sleep.

* * *

Bucky spent most of his day at work on autopilot, but that was no different than any other godforsaken day. Tony, his business partner, barged into his office an hour before quittin’ time.

“What do you want Stark?” Bucky asked not taking his eyes off the screen.

“I was thinking about something the other day,” Tony paced in front of Bucky’s desk, “I know we mostly work with veterans who are dealing with PTSD but we should set up a foundation that also helps with the spouses and the significant others of vets or people who died overseas.”

Bucky froze before actually looking at Tony. He didn’t say anything so Tony, being a babbler, started to babble.

“I mean we could open it up to everyone else that lost someone because I know that you had a tough time coming back to work, and it’s ridiculous that society puts a time limit on grieving. So I was thinking that we set those up. And before you ask yes I was a little apprehensive about bringing this up to you because I wasn’t sure how you would react -”

“I like it,” Bucky cut him off.

“Good, because I kind of already set the plan in motion.” Tony gave him a thumbs up and promptly left the office.

This wasn’t an unusual thing, Tony having an idea and setting it in motion before consulting with Bucky. Luckily over the years, Bucky had gotten good at retroactively putting things to a stop when needed.

Bucky really did like the idea of setting up another foundation that helped people with the grieving of a lost loved one and mentally kicked himself for not coming up with the idea himself.

* * *

Bucky had snagged a coveted seat on the light rail train that ran through the city. It wasn’t a subway because it wasn’t underground, which Bucky (and most of the people in the city) found ridiculous because that meant when it got too hot outside the train was only able to go so fast.

And being the end of July the annual heatwave was rolling into town. The AC on the train was only doing so much during rush hour and people were packed in tight.

Bucky was doing his very best to ignore the discomfort by reading a book, but the book was getting boring and had recycled the same plotline about three times now and he was only halfway through.

Just as he was closing the book the train came to an abrupt stop and someone fell into his lap.

She looked at him wide-eyed.

“Sorry,” she grimaced.

And it felt like the whole world froze. There was no one else in the world but them and she literally took his breath away with one word. He was certain he’d never seen anyone quite as beautiful as she, just as he was sure he would never find someone more beautiful.

“It’s ok,” he breathed. “I’m Bucky.”

She smiled at him and Bucky’s heart nearly burst out of his chest. “Y/n.”

“So,” he was very conscious of the fact that she hadn’t moved out of his lap, “do you make it a habit of falling into people’s laps?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you trying to flirt with me?”

“Is it working?”

She chuckled softly and got out of his lap. “If it was, how do you see this conversation ending?”

“Best case scenario?” He asked and she nodded. “Exchanging numbers and dinner plans.”

She pulled out her phone, quickly unlocked it, and handed it over to Bucky. “Let me apologize for literally falling into your lap.”

“There’s really no need to apologize,” he said as he took her phone and put his number in.

When he handed it back she typed something in then looked back at him. “This is my stop. I’ll see ya around Bucky.”

Bucky watched dumbstruck as she hopped off the train at the stop. A second after she disappeared into the crowd his phone buzzed. An unknown number had texted him a simple message: Y/n Y/l/n.

* * *

The next time Bucky saw Y/n was when he went to get after-work drinks with Tony, Steve, and Sam. It had been a month since the anniversary and the next day Tony and Bucky were launching their new foundation.

Steve was telling a story about a date he’d had recently and Tony and Sam were just taking the piss out of him for everything that he’d done wrong on the date.

Bucky looked up in the middle of the story and found Y/n standing next to the jukebox staring at the options. She turned her head towards him and smiled. He blinked and when he opened his eyes she was gone.

He didn’t see her again for the rest of the night.

But the next morning around 5 am, a full hour before he would get up to go to the gym, he woke up on the side of the road again. It was the same spot as the last time. As Bucky drove home he kept his eyes peeled for any hit and runs, he wasn’t sure what he would do if he ended up hitting someone with his car while he sleepwalked.

* * *

Her skin was soft beneath his fingers as he drew lines across her skin. She let out a sigh as she slept next to him soundly. Bucky had woken up with the sun on that particular Saturday and he knew for a fact that Y/n would be pissed if he woke her up.

So he laid there with her and watched her sleep. He pressed a soft kiss to her bare shoulder and she shifted so she now she was laying on her side with her nose nuzzled into her pillow.

“Y/n, are you awake?” He asked softly. He smiled when she didn’t answer. “You don’t know this yet, but I’m going to propose to you. I don’t know when or how but I have the ring. I think you’ll like it, and I hope you say yes. God, I have no idea what I’ll do if you say no. Please don’t say no.”

She continued to sleep soundly, breathing deeply. He brushed his thumb across her eyebrow. The only time she looked this at peace was when she was sleeping, or after Bucky had shown her what she did to him.

“I love you,” he whispered.

A few seconds later she groaned and made the same noise she always did when she woke up, a small whimper that her night’s sleep was over. She opened an eye and looked at him.

“Were you watching me sleep again?” She asked in a hoarse voice. Bucky h’mmed in response. “You fuckin’ creep.”

“Oh yeah, because I’ve never caught you watching me sleep,” he chuckled.

“Uhh, when I watch you sleep it’s to make sure that you’re still breathing. Some times you’re sleeping so deeply I’m afraid that you’re dead,” she argued fully awake now. “Please don’t die on me.”

Not caring that neither of them had brushed their teeth yet, he kissed her lips softly. “I won’t as long as you promise to wait until we’re both well into our 80s or 90s.”

“Deal, but I hope you know that when I do die, I’m going to come back and haunt your ass so you’ll never actually be able to get over me and date someone else. I’m selfish like that.”

“I don’t want anyone else,” Bucky admitted.

“Well, when you say things like that it makes me feel bad for finding Sam really attractive. I hope you know that if you break your promise, I’m definitely turning to him for comfort and then we’ll fall in love and have a million babies,” she teased.

“Oh, a million babies?”

“Oh yeah, one million babies, and they’d be so much cuter than any babies you and I would have.” She smiled smugly until Bucky poked her sides and started tickling her. She giggled. “No!”

“Take it back!”

But she didn’t she just kept laughing and swatting at his hands. After a minute or two, he stopped and kissed her again. He paused and looked at her, really looked at her in the morning sunlight that peaked through the drapes of their bedroom window. He leaned over to his nightstand and opened the drawer and dug around for something.

“What are you doing?” She sat up and leaned against the headboard. Bucky turned around holding a ring. It was simple enough, it was a white gold band with a blue sapphire with two smaller diamonds on either side of it but the gems on the ring were huge. “What are you doing?” She repeated.

“I have been waiting for the right time, the perfect time to do this but I realized that when doesn’t matter. The perfect time wouldn’t make a difference, what matters is the person. You might not be a perfect person but neither am I, but you are the perfect person for me. So Y/n, I’m breaking one of your rules and asking you a question before breakfast,” he extended his arm slightly so the ring was closer to her, “Will you marry me?”

Y/n gasped shakily as tears welled up in her eyes. “Yes, of course!”

Bucky took her left hand and slid the ring on her finger, thanking the heavens that it fit. He stared at the ring as it sat on her finger.

“Are you not going to kiss me or anything?” Y/n asked snapping Bucky out of his daze.

“Neither of us have brushed our teeth and your morning breath is so bad -”

“My mom just called, she says that I can’t marry you.”

Bucky shook his head at his fiancee. “Shut up,” he chuckled and kissed her.

* * *

One Saturday, early January, Bucky was eating his cereal staring at Y/n or her ghost or whatever she was.

“Can I help you?” She asked cocking her head to the side.

“Are you a ghost?” He asked.

“You already know what I am, Barnes,” she answered solemnly. “You’re just afraid of what it means if you’re right.”

“But if you’re a hallucination,” his voice broke as he spoke, “that means you’re not real.”

“If I was real then you wouldn’t be keeping the fact that you can see me a secret?” She leaned back in her chair.

“I could just have a fever,” he reasoned.

“You’ve been seeing me off and on for months. If your fever had lasted this long you’d probably be dead,” she propped her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand.

“So what’s wrong with me?” He asked, cereal long forgotten.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged then gasped. “Maybe I’m a vision from a god or some higher power. Here to tell you that you’re missing something.”

“But what would I be missing?” Tears began to fall down his face.

“Do you not miss me?”

“I miss you every goddamn day but there’s not much I can do about that.” There was a brief silence and Bucky found himself wishing that she was actually something he could touch, not an uncommon wish for him. “I should go see a doctor, shouldn’t I?”

Y/n gave him a sad smile and Bucky pulled out his phone.

* * *

Y/n was sitting on the couch with Bucky, her legs on his lap and he was going over something that Tony had sent him. Bucky was petting her legs.

“Why are you petting my legs like a dog?” She asked pulling one of her headphones out of her ear. “You know I’m not into pet play.”

Bucky stopped his movements and glared at her. “Must you make everything dirty?”

She grinned. “Yes.”

Bucky shook his head and put the stack of papers down on the coffee table. He crawled over so his head was on Y/n’s stomach without missing a beat she started running her fingers through his hair. He moaned at the feeling and closed his eyes.

“What are you listening to?” He asked his voice muffled but the fabric of her shirt and her tummy.

“The podcast My Favorite Murder,” she said. “If you just gave it a chance you might enjoy it.”

“Why are you so obsessed with true crime?”

“Well if I’m prepared for it then I have a better chance of surviving and listening to how fucked up people are, helps me learn what to do if I’m ever in that situation.”

He chuckled softly, he lifted his head and looked at her. “You realize the chances of you getting murdered are very slim right? Besides, I’ll protect you if that ever becomes a real possibility.”

“Yes,” she rolled her eyes, “You’re very strong and manly. Will you please just listen to this one story about people who live on an island and one of the couples shares a pair of stainless steel teeth?”

Bucky didn’t really have that much of an interest in true crime, but he’d be lying if he said that story didn’t sound interesting.

“Fine, but just that one story,” he said, “You’re not going to hook me on this.”

He lied, she got him hooked on that podcast and any time they came out with a new episode they either listened to it together or texted the other if they were apart.

* * *

Bucky was listening to the podcast that Y/n had gotten him hooked on. He was sitting in the waiting room for the doctor and Y/n was in the chair across from him watching him closely. He was doing his best to just listen to the podcast but her stare was making that hard.

“Barnes?” A nurse called.

Bucky sprung up from his seat and followed the nurse back into the exam room.

“Bucky Barnes,” the doctor greeted when she walked in.

“Dr. Cho,” Bucky greeted.

“What seems to be the problem?” She asked settling into the office chair in the room.

“I keep seeing my dead fiancee,” he said bluntly.

Dr. Cho pursed her lips and nodded her head. “Are you sleeping well?”

“Yeah,” he said completely forgetting about the sleepwalking he’s been doing.

“How long has it been going on?” She asked making a note in her chart.

“It’s off and on for a few months.”

“But not all the time?”

“No.”

Dr. Cho sighed. “Well, it might be a psychological thing if that’s the case the next plan of action would be to see a psychiatrist.”

“And another option?” Bucky asked though he already knew the answer.

“That you have some sort of brain tumor,” she answered and Bucky’s entire body sagged, “So I will schedule you for an MRI, but I would also like fo you to talk to someone.”

Bucky nodded silently agreeing with her.

After he got home that day he looked into some highly rated therapists and when he talked to his friends about it they all had suggestions for him.

* * *

The hauntingly familiar sound of a horn blaring startled Bucky awake again. He was sitting in his car that was idling with the radio playing quietly. The clock in his car told him it was 4 am. When he looked around he noticed that it was the same part of 26 that it usually was.

He really needed to find a way to stop himself from sleep-driving.

* * *

The room was eerily quiet. Bucky picked at his jeans pretending to rid them of pieces of fluff that didn’t exist. He’d been sitting in this room for almost half an hour silently, other than the initial hellos.

“You won’t know if this works until you talk to me and we are able to start a discussion,” Maria Hill, his new therapist told him.

“I know, I just don’t know where to start,” he said.

“Start from the beginning.”

So he did. He told her the story of how he met Y/n and falling in love with her and then proposing. He only wavered a bit when it came to the birthday party he’d planned for you.

* * *

“Are you sure you sent her the right time?” Natasha asked.

“Yes,” Bucky answered.

Natasha had asked that question about five times and it didn’t matter that Bucky had shown her the text that said he’d told Y/n to meet him at the restaurant at 6:30. Nor did it matter that Y/n had texted at 5 saying ‘hey love, I’m going to be a little late the meeting is running long and I still have to talk to some people afterward.’

No, none of that mattered to Natasha who was nervous that Y/n would hate the surprise.

Bucky had set up a dinner for Y/n’s birthday. She thought it was just going to be her and him but Bucky had also invited all their friends because Y/n had started complaining that they didn’t all hang out together anymore.

Natasha was th only one who was worried for the first ten minutes of Y/n not showing up. After that everyone started to get more and more concerned about her unusual tardiness. Until they all decided to call the cops.

* * *

“They didn’t believe us at first,” Bucky told Maria. “They said that we had to wait 48 hours before we could officially file a missing person’s report. But we knew. It didn’t matter to them that Y/n was never late and if she was she would’ve called or texted. They thought she was running from me.”

Maria was quiet as Bucky took a tissue to blow his nose.

“They never found her body either, isn’t that just a kick in the nuts?” Bucky laughed sardonically. “And the last thing I told her to her face was ‘just so you know you lost the game’ which might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Maria gave him a confused look. “The game?”

“It’s this thing where once you start playing the game you can never stop and the way to win the game is by not thinking about it but once you think about it you’ve lost the game,” Bucky explained.

“That’s counter-intuitive.”

“That’s the game.” Bucky shrugged. “I’ve also been seeing her.”

“Natasha?”

“No, Y/n. Not all the time but sometimes. We talk and I know it’s crazy but I like being able to talk to her again.” Bucky bounced his leg as he thought for a moment. “I’ve also been sleepwalking. More like driving.”

“What?” Maria looked shocked.

“Not all the time, but sometimes I’ll wake up to find myself in my car stopped on the side of the road. It’s the same spot every time, I never hit anyone or anything as far as I can tell.”

“Well, there are ways to get around sleepwalking maybe have a friend spend the night to stop you from getting into your car, set up an alarm system, I can send you a list of what some of my other clients have found helpful.”

* * *

A week after his therapy appointment Bucky was in the hospital for his MRI.

It wasn’t until he was in the machine when he heard her voice.

“I hope you still have that amazing insurance because MRIs are not cheap,” she said and Bucky held back the urge to roll his eyes, “Are you ignoring me because you don’t want to look crazy in front of the doctors? Because you know that they know why you’re here right? They already know you’re crazy.”

As Bucky lay there for the rest of the scan Y/n sang a song that had been stuck in Bucky’s head for the past week. When he came out of the machine she was standing there in the corner of the room. He didn’t say anything but he made eye contact with her.

“You’re still missing it,” she said. He furrowed his brows at her. “Bucky you’re missing it.”

An hour later Bucky was sitting in front of a neuro doctor.

“There’s nothing showing up on the MRI,” Dr. Banner told him, “Medically? You are fine, Mr. Barnes.”

“Thank you, doctor.”

* * *

It happened again. He woke up on the side of the road in his idling car. But this time the sun was just beginning to rise. Bucky slammed his hands against the steering wheel before turning his car around to head back home.

He was about halfway home when something realized something. It was what Y/n had told him about missing something.

Every time he’d woken up on the side of the road it was after he’d seen Y/n. That’s the only time he’d sleepwalked was the night after all of the hallucinations. Which made him wonder, why that particular spot?

He could’ve gone home and just ignored his thought for the rest of the day but that might actually kill him.

He flipped a u-y and drove back to the spot. He pulled over on the shoulder. When he got out of the car he took a few deep breaths.

Not really knowing what he was going to find or if he was going to find anything be began walking through the forest.

“This is the part of the horror movie where I die because I’m walking through a forest because a hallucination told me to. If Y/n could see you now she’d kill you for being stupid. Also if you get murdered they are definitely going to make fun of you on all the podcasts for being a complete idiot,” he mumbled to himself as he stumbled through the foliage and brush of the forest floor.

He walked for about a mile or two before he came across a small cabin in the middle of nowhere.

“What the hell?” He whispered to himself.

Then someone from inside the cabin let out an ear-piercing scream. Bucky finally had a logical thought and pulled out his phone to call 911. They told him to stay on the phone with him and they were sending units to him.

The screaming had stopped and Bucky almost went into the cabin. It was only a few minutes later when he heard the sirens and the officers came and two pairs walked over to the cabin and went in. Bucky was standing next to an officer who was told to wait with him.

There was a gunshot, not long after one of the officers made a call over the radio for an ambulance because there was a girl in the cabin who needed medical attention.

The officer that hung around with Bucky took his statement as they waited for the ambulance. Giving the statement to the officer was a blur and he tried to find a way to tell the officer that visions of Y/n had led him here without actually telling him that.

When the EMTs made it through the forest the ‘girl’ was escorted out of the cabin and Bucky’s heart dropped. There was a woman walking with the officer who looked so much like Y/n but her hair was unkempt and looked like she hadn’t eaten in years.

But then her eyes met his.

“James?”

“Y/n?” He asked and his voice broke. Bucky didn’t wait for her to answer again as he ran over to her, how he managed not to trip over anything was a mystery to him. He stopped right in front of her. “Is that really you?”

Y/n let go of the officer and lifted her hands to his cheeks. She gently touched his face and he leaned into her touch. He was almost sure that at any moment he was going to wake up from this dream to an empty bed.

“You found me,” Y/n whispered before collapsing into Bucky’s arms.

* * *

Bucky sat next to her hospital bed and watched her. He was afraid that she would disappear. But he could touch her, he could feel her again. But he wouldn’t. Not until she made the first move, he wouldn’t make her do anything she didn’t want to do, he didn’t even know what’d happened in there.

The detectives that had come around informed him that any number of things could’ve happened during those three years and she would be a very different person now. That she would need countless hours of counseling.

Y/n had been unconscious since she fainted outside the cabin. Bucky knew he should call everyone, tell them that Y/n was alive, but he also knew that they would all want to come and see her so he settled for the two people who needed to know. Tony, because there was no way in hell Bucky was going into work today or anytime this week. And Natasha, because Nat would kick his ass if he kept this from him.

Everyone else could wait until Y/n woke up and was ready for visitors.

* * *

Natasha had come in an hour after Bucky called and cried into his shoulder. She’d stayed for a while before Bucky told her to go home and that he would call her the instant Y/n woke up. Natasha had been reluctant at first but agreed because it didn’t look like Y/n was going to wake up anytime soon.

Which wasn’t true because an hour after Natasha left Y/n’s eyes fluttered open. She looked over to find Bucky wide awake watching her sleep.

Y/n gave him the smallest of smiles that somehow still took his breath away.

“You were watching me sleep,” she croaked.

“I thought you were dead -” he stared and had an apology on the tip of his tongue but she cut him off.

“Don’t apologize for not looking for me,” she ordered.

“But -”

“No,” she said firmly. “You were working with what you had.”

“How ok are you? Scale from one to ten.”

“If one is I’m dead, I’m gonna go with a one-point-five.” A tear fell from her eye and Bucky wanted nothing more than to wipe it away. Her lip began to tremble. “Um, he uhh -”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Bucky cut her off. “Not yet.”

There was a silence that Bucky didn’t know if he should fill or not. He knew what he wanted to tell her, but he wasn’t sure if he should if it would be what she wanted to hear.

“I’ll understand if you don’t want me anymore,” she told him. “I know that three years isn’t really a long time but if you don’t -”

“You can’t get rid of me that easy, gumdrop,” he told her and a sob escaped her lips. “I’d go get you another ring tonight. I meant what I said when I told you that you are the perfect person for me. And I still want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“But baby blue, I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was. I’ve done things -”

“Y/n, neither of us are the same person we were three years ago. And whatever you did, kept you alive,” he said, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. “So yeah, we have some stuff to work out but my heart belongs to you and you alone. And I’m not giving up on you.”

Y/n reached out her hand for Bucky and he took it. Her frail hands wrapped around his one, they were cold. He could only imagine the rest of her body was just as cold.

“You still wanna marry me?” She asked softly.

“Do you still want to marry me?” He pulled over a chair not removing his hand from hers and sat down.

She nodded. “But I’m not ready to. Does that make sense? Like, I wanna be ready.”

“I would wait forever for you,” he told her.

“So you lied,” she sighed and he furrowed his brows at her. “Clearly, you couldn’t have changed that much you’re still the cheesiest person on the face of the planet.”

Bucky scoffed and pressed a gentle kiss to her hand. “Promise me you’ll let me know if you don’t want me to do something. Like if I touch you in a way you don’t like, you have to let me know. I never want to be the reason you’re in pain.”

“Ok,” she whispered. “Where’s everyone else?”

“I only called Natasha and Tony today because I wasn’t sure how you would react to a room full of people wanting to see you. I can call them if you want and get them here.”

“Not yet, I haven’t seen you in three years,” she played with his fingers. She hadn’t let him go as if she had been touch starved for so long.

“Ok, whenever you’re ready.”

And yes they had things that they would have to work out together and individually, but Bucky meant it when he said that he wasn’t going to give up on her.

#Bucky Barnes x Reader #Bucky Barnes AU #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine #death tw #mentions of death

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silverfootstepswrites · 6 years ago

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Lullaby [70%]

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Read Equinox here and come back!

“Your tummy is soft,” Sakura commented. Her head rose and fell as Itachi let out a sigh.

“Don’t rub it in. It’s all that late-night pizza and ice cream,” he groaned, crossing his arms behind his head.

“Oh. I wasn’t making fun of you. I love it,” Sakura assured him. She patted his knee as they laughed.

She had balked at the idea of buying a mattress that came in a box, but she couldn’t deny that it was comfortable. And the pricey sheets that covered it didn’t hurt. The lavender-scented candles sitting on the nightstand had never actually been lit, but they smelled nice all the same.

“Your place is super-nice,” Sakura remarked, not for the first time.

“Mm, it is,” he agreed. And then he stretched his arms high above his head.

“What’s the plan for tonight?” she asked.

“Well, you just told your shoes to go to hell when you walked in,” he began. But before she could protest, he added, “Which is where they should go. So I was thinking of a relaxing night in. I’ll make dinner. Maybe put on some Edith Piaf?”

“How could I say no to Madame Piaf?” Sakura agreed.

As Itachi washed his hands and tied on his apron, Sakura wandered over to the record player. She took her time picking through the shelves while Itachi’s knife tapped away on the cutting board. Not that it was difficult, because Itachi was always so organized. All the artists were grouped together by genre and by last name.

She placed the tip of the stylus on the record and the swell of violins and brass filled her ears. Hugging her arms around herself, Sakura hummed along to the lyrics. When she turned around, she saw that Itachi had set his knife down. He leaned his elbows on the counter, watching her instead.

“Dance with me!”

“And what about dinner?” he replied, still letting her take his hand to pull him away from the counter. Laughing as he wrapped his arms around her, swaying back and forth in time to the sweeping melody.

“You feeling alright, Bunny?”

“Other than feeling like a beached whale, I’m great,” Sakura replied, biting her straw between her teeth.

“That’s why I keep telling you to work from home. You need to rest,” sighed Madara, patting the top of her head. His tail curled around her water bottle and pushed it closer to her hand.

“She doesn’t listen to anyone. You know that.”

Madara started. He peered over Sakura’s shoulder in time to see the lump of blankets on the sofa stir. Silver hair peeked out past the dark blanket. Along with a haggard pair of eyes.

“What happened to you?” Madara wondered.

Tobirama’s head flopped back down. He sighed.

“I’ve been having Braxton Hicks contractions. He’s been up all night losing sleep,” Sakura explained. She braced her hand on the desk and pulled herself out of her seat.

“I knew John Braxton Hicks. He was a terrible poker player. His tells were so obvious,” Madara recalled, tapping his chin with his pointer finger. And then he turned back to Sakura, who raised her eyebrows at him.

“I know it’s in poor taste to ask, but the suspense is killing me. Whose is it?” he asked.

And while Madara was right that it was a rude question, she appreciated the directness of it. Unlike everyone else who gave awkward looks behind her back as they wondered.

“We’ll know in the delivery room. Siren babies are weird, honestly,” Sakura sighed, rubbing her stomach as she thought.

“Sometimes it’s a baby on the ultrasound. And then sometimes it’s just.... sound waves,” Tobirama agreed, lifting his head again.

“Oh, I understand. Demon babies are born from literal hellfire. Takes decades for them to cool off and take a solid form,” Madara commented. And Sakura raised her eyebrows again, nodding. She always learned something new when talking to Madara.

They all looked up when Sakura’s phone chimed. At the same time, Tobirama’s buzzed.

“What’s it say?” Tobirama asked as Sakura unlocked her phone. She tapped on the notification.

“It’s Itachi. ‘Baby shoes’,” Sakura read out loud. And then she held up her phone so Madara could see. Itachi had sent along a photo of tiny designer sneakers. She gasped when she saw the price tag underneath.

“Tell him it’s pointless since the baby won’t walk for a while,” grumbled Tobirama. Before Sakura could type anything, their phones buzzed again.

“Kiba sent the emoji of the monkey covering its eyes. Oh, wait. Kakashi just responded too. ‘If you stopped buying junk and invested it, the baby would be all set for college by now’.”

Sighing, Tobirama finally pulled the blanket down to peer over at her. “Do you think it’s a vampire thing?” he asked her.

“No. I’m pretty sure it’s a him thing,” she replied.

And then, in a very quiet voice, Madara commented: “I think they’re cute.”

A thunderstorm descended over Old Pines as summer approached.

Sakura’s eyes opened as she listened to the rumble roll across the horizon. The wind swelled, billowing the curtains inward. It took a moment. But then, slowly, she heard the droplets begin to patter softly, then all at once against the roof. The cool air whispered against her neck and back.

Her eyes opened as lightning illuminated the skies. Followed by another growl of thunder.

“You were right,” Sakura said.

“Told you. I can smell the rain,” Kiba bragged, tapping his nose. He rolled onto his back to stare up at her, his arm draped across her lap. “S’not gonna last long, though. It’s a little storm.”

“You must be tired. You did a lot today,” commented Sakura, pushing his hair off his forehead.

Kiba began listing his accomplishments, counting off on his fingers as he went. “Finished installing the sink in the new bathroom, installed a bunch of lights. Uh, what else? Oh yeah. And I assembled the shelves and crib for the nursery.”

“You’re my hero,” Sakura declared, leaning over to press a kiss to his mouth. He grinned as lightning flashed bright, filling the window with blinding white light for a moment. Several seconds later, thunder rolled through again like a drumroll.

“I feel like there’s still a million things to do. And somehow the list keeps getting longer,” he lamented. Sakura laughed.

“Me too. But I feel like we’ll never actually be ready,” she pointed out.

“Yeah. That’s what my mom says too,” he agreed.

Sakura gasped when she felt a jolt in her abdomen. She grabbed Kiba’s hand to place it on her stomach. He became very quiet as he waited. And then he could feel the flutters.

Slowly, he rubbed his palm back and forth across her stomach, following the movements.

“I’m really scared, Sakura.”

Her chin jerked up. Eyes widening.

But Kiba’s gaze stayed on the swell of her stomach. He seemed to be deep in thought before he decided to speak again. “Like, what if I’m a bad dad? What if I screw this kid up because I say something dumb?”

“Hey,” she said. He lifted his head to look at her. She smiled. Hand cupping his cheek, she pulled him in for a kiss.

“Everything’s gonna be alright. We’ve got our family, don’t we?” she assured him. Sighing, Kiba laid his head down on her stomach.

“And, worst case scenario, we’ll ask your sister to do damage control,” Sakura then added.

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Kiba conceded, finally laughing again.

When Kakashi walked in a few hours later, he was just in time to witness Kiba preparing to flip a pancake. Sakura sat at the kitchen counter, her hair knotted on top of her head. She glanced back when she felt Kakashi’s arm wrap around her waist. Her kissed her shoulder, then her mouth.

“It’s almost 9. Why is Kiba making pancakes?” Kakashi wondered.

“Why? Do you not want a pancake?” Sakura challenged.

“I never said that. Do we have syrup?”

“Itachi brought over some from his business trip to Canada,” Kiba responded. And then he cheered as he flipped the pancake and caught it in the middle of the skillet. Sakura and Kakashi applauded together.

Kakashi kissed the top of Sakura’s head before he went off to grab plates and cutlery.

“Smelled an outsider in the woods a couple hours ago,” Kakashi said, setting the plate down beside the stove. Kiba’s head perked up. Balancing the pancake on his spatula, he looked over his shoulder at Kakashi.

“Along the river?” he asked.

“No. Further west. Past where I can reach,” answered Kakashi.

“I’ll go out and take a look tonight. The Mayor asked me for a favor so I’d be in the woods anyway,” Kiba told him. He dropped the pancake onto the plate. Jiggled the pan to keep the other cakes from sticking and burning.

“Guys, be careful,” Sakura couldn’t help but fret.

“No one knows these woods better than we do. It’ll be fine,” Kiba assured her, flashing a grin. But his smile faded as she continued to stare at him. He leaned his hip against the counter. He rubbed the back fo his neck. Beside him, Kakashi blew out a long sigh. Kiba glanced at him as he heard Kakashi scratch a hand through his hair.

“Kiba,” Kakashi said.

“Huh?”

“Can you make a lot of noise and spook them east? I can help you flank him once he gets close enough to town,” Kakashi asked. Kiba thought for a long time, scowling.

“I guess so,” he finally considered.

“It’ll be safer if we have each other’s backs. And that way Sakura won’t feel as stressed,” Kakashi added, looking Sakura’s way. She smiled, rubbing her stomach a little.

After they finished the pancakes, Kakashi insisted on staying to do the dishes. Sakura walked with them to the door. Waddling, actually.

“Bye, baby,” Kiba said, kneeling in front of Sakura to kiss her stomach. Sakura swatted him away, pulling her shirt back down. Getting to his feet, Kiba took her hands and grinned.

“Bye, baby,” he then said, kissing her on the lips. Sakura laughed as she nudged him off the porch.

“We’ll be careful,” Kakashi assured her, kissing her too.

Sakura couldn’t help but feel nervous. Even after Kakashi’s parting words. She boiled water. And while the tea steeped, she wandered out of the kitchen, into the little mudroom Kiba had added onto the house. Perching on one of the benches, she stared out the window. Past the blackberry bush and the peach tree. Out into the darkness. Wondering.

She woke up to Itachi, who had come home for the weekend. Suit rumpled and his stubble growing in. He rested his hand on her forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Why’re you sleeping out here, Bunny?” he asked.

“Mm- what?” Sakura mumbled. She dragged her wrist across her eyes. The inside of her mouth felt dry. Her lower back hurt. But it had been hurting for the past several days, so it wasn’t anything new.

“Why’re you out here, Bunny? It’s late,” Itachi asked again.

“Oh. Hi,” Sakura greeted him. “Kakashi and Kiba went to investigate something in the forest. I’m just worrying for no reason. It’s stupid. I know.”

“That’s not stupid,” Itachi answered. His hand slid down her arm, fingers linking with hers.

“Go to bed, Bunny. I’ll wake you up when they get home,” he then told her. She sat up, wincing at how her body ached in all the weirdest places. Itachi helped her to her feet.

“Sorry, Itachi,” Sakura said, looking up at him. His eyes widened. “I didn’t even ask you how your day was. That was selfish of me.” Because that was usually the first thing out of his mouth each time he saw her.

‘How are you?’, ‘I missed you’, and ‘I’m glad I’m home now’- in that order.

A smile filled his face. His eyes glittering just a little as he pulled her against his chest. “Great. But we can catch up when you’re not half-asleep and I’m not half-starving.”

Sakura pulled away. He followed her as she walked into the kitchen. She opened up the refrigerator door to stare at the contents within. She felt him hovering over her shoulder as he looked too.

“There’s some peach cobbler Hana dropped off yesterday,” Sakura pointed out. Itachi wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He shook his head.

“Apples?”

She tilted her head in time to see him wrinkle his nose.

“Plum?”

His eyes lit up. He reached out to grab one of the dark purple fruit.

“I can wash it for you,” Sakura began to say. Itachi made a face as he held it out of reach instead.

“You can help me by going to sleep,” he told her instead. As Sakura scowled, her pressed light little kisses to her mouth until it was smiling again.

“Go,” he urged again.

“Alright,” Sakura finally conceded. Hand on his cheek, she pulled him down for another kiss before she slipped out of his arms. She listened to the rush of water as he rinsed the plum off in the sink. She fell asleep to the sounds of Itachi humming as he washed his face in the bathroom.

Tobirama drove into Old Pines early in the morning. He had planned to be back the night before. But Sakura had scolded him about not driving after drinking- even if it was only a couple beers with Madara. So he had crashed on the sofa in Itachi’s empty apartment. Relatively unworried since he knew that Sakura wouldn’t be alone, at least.

The drive in from the city wasn’t so bad this early in the morning. As he crossed the border, he felt the subtle shimmer of the magic curtain part. He took the turns that led to the familiar home at the end of a small road.

“I’m home,” Tobirama announced as he opened the front door. The smell of fresh coffee washed over him. Itachi raised a hand in greeting as he turned away from the kitchen sink.

‘Is Sakura sleeping?’ Tobirama mouthed. He mimed pillowing both his hands under his cheek.

Itachi shook his head. And then he pointed in the direction of the backyard.

Tobirama backtracked out of the house. He looped around the outside, walking into the yard instead. Familiar voices drifted over, paired with laughter. He was glad that a heightened sense of smell wasn’t one of his gifts when he finally saw the source of the commotion.

"There he is,” Kakashi announced.

Sakura sat on the wooden steps of the porch, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. When she spotted him, she made an exasperated noise. Kakashi stood on the top step of the porch, in a wrinkled t-shirt and jeans instead of his usual uniform. He held a mug of coffee in one hand.

“Tobirama! Look at this mess,” she complained, pointing.

Next to the blackberry bush lay a very large lump of.... something. A huge wolf lumbered out of the woods, fur looking stained and wet. It closed its teeth around the lump and rolled it over to reveal tusks and a flat snout.

“Is that a pig?” Tobirama demanded.

“A wild boar. They’re an invasive species,” Kakashi informed him. Tobirama came to a stop in front of Sakura. He sat down beside her. She spread her arms to let him get under the blanket too. Kakashi leaned over to pull the edge of the blanket over Tobirama’s shoulder before he stood up straight again.

“So the intruder in the woods was a boar?” Sakura questioned.

“No. It was a were. Probably just separated from his pack. He looked pretty small,” Kakashi answered. And they all watched as the wolf bristled. He bared his teeth as he gave off a faint shimmer. The fur receded into his skin, his limbs twisting and shrinking until Kiba stood there, his hands on his hips.

“We didn’t hurt him too bad. Just enough to scare him off,” Kiba added. Before Sakura could yell at him. She didn’t stop scowling.

“I still don’t get where the pig came from,” Sakura insisted.

“Oh. We just ran into this. And wolf-brain was all ‘feed family’,” Kiba replied with an easy smile.

Kakashi took a long slurp of his coffee before he said, “I tried to stop him.”

“I figured,” snorted Tobirama.

“So.... what do we do with Wilbur?” Tobirama then wondered. Sakura swatted his arm. He smiled, not looking at her.

They all turned at the sound of Itachi’s voice. His upper body stuck out of the back door. He held a cooking knife in one hand and a half-peeled apple in the other.

“I called the Mayor. She told us to bring it down to the beach to roast it. Said the Akimichi’s are already down there digging a pit,” Itachi told them.

“Oh, a pig roast. That’s not a bad idea. What kind of salad should I make?” Kakashi mused, rubbing his chin.

“Ooh. The one with grapefruit and avocado,” Sakura suggested.

“With sunflower seeds,” Tobirama agreed.

“What should I do?” Kiba asked.

All eyes returned to him.

Kakashi let out a long, long sigh. “How about you put some pants on first, Wolfman?”

#writing #polysaku #multisaku #equinox #itasaku #tobisaku #kibasaku #kakasaku

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grubloved · 3 years ago

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had a previous write up of this recipe but wanted to do another one to add some notes!

ingredients:

dough:

500g bread flour (all purpose is fine, but bread flour makes them chewier and way better imo)

7g dry yeast

15g diastatic baking malt or sugar (either ok; malt will increase browning and give a chewier texture, sugar is just tasty!)

10g salt

300g lukewarm water

30g softened butter

bath:

50g baking soda

1.5 liters of water

toppings:

butter

big salt

cinnamon sugar

sesame seeds

poppy seeds

everything bagel seasoning

tools:

strong arms, mixing bowl, pot, pretzel dunking tool (i use a frying spider but tongs or a fork work too), parchment paper, sheet pan, spoon or pastry brush

1. combine ingredients, first mixing dries together then adding water and butter. mix into a very dry dough. she's gonna be very shaggy and quite stiff -- fear not. keep mixing. eventually everything will incorporate, and then you gotta knead.

2. knead for a long time. you want smooth, supple dough that springs back when you press a thumb into it. it should pass the windowpane test -- you should be able to stretch a section between your hands thin enough to be translucent without breaking. this is a stiff dough, so get some leverage -- i like to sit down on the floor with the dough in a mixing bowl in front of me and go at it.

3. plop into a clean non-metal mixing bowl, cover, and leave her to rise until she's about 1.5 times the size. this should be an hour at 75°f, but may take longer if it's cold, and will go faster if you put her somewhere warm.

okay, pretzel time. take your dough out, do NOT PUNCH, cut into however many pieces youd like. then get shaping. there's two ways to do this:

4a, option one: if you want really pretty pretzels, roll these balls out into ropes as thin as you can. holding one end in each hand and like, thwacking the middle on the counter can really stretch them out. then make a loop, twist the ends around each other, and fold it over. the pros here is that you've made a very pretty pretzel. the con is that you've beat all the air out of your dough, and so now you need to cover them and let them rest on their sheet pan for 30min to an hour, until theyve puffed up slightly.

4b, option two: if aesthetics are less of a concern than pretzel in mouth now, thats cool. just handle your dough balls GENTLY. no thwacking! spirals are fine if small, or very chubby pretzels. make sure there are still air bubbles in there. once youve made your lil guys, set them aside and by the time they're all shaped they'll be ready to go.

6. place onto a parchment covered baking sheet and add salt while still sticky. do not add cinnamon sugar at this stage because itll burn in the oven :(. use a spoon or pastry brush to scoop a little extra of that soda water over the pretzel. baptise him. once youve got a trayful of pretzels, cook them for 15-20 minutes, or until the color is right! if you used sugar instead of malt powder, you are looking for a rich shiny copper tan with white peeking through the splits in the skin. if you used malt powder, it will brown much quicker -- you want them nearly the color of a hard pretzel from a bag. shiny and deep red-bronze brown, with tanned splits instead of white.

5. bath time. boil 1.5 liters of water, and slowly dissolve 50g baking soda into it. you can do more water if you want, but make sure to increase the baking soda to keep a consistent ratio of 1.5L/50g. take your lil formed pretzels and plunk them into the boiling baking soda water. if the pretzel does not float, they dont have enough air bubbles and will bake weird. bake that one sad one if you must but cover the others and let them rest for 15 minutes before boiling any more. if they float you did it right :). each pretzel should swim about in the boiling water for 30 seconds, then get flipped and go another 30 seconds. you should probably also preheat your oven to 445°f at this time.

7. butter time. brush them down with melted butter or just simply hold a stick of butter and rub it on them like a chapstick. they'll become very shiny and beautiful. add sesame seeds, everything bagel seasoning, or cinnamon sugar at this stage.

8. devour. happy munching! theyre best hot out of the oven, but do keep very well for several days. popping them briefly in the toaster or for 15sec in the microwave will restore them to their warm glory.

again

#birde bakes #recipe #birdenest

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familycuisinee · 3 years ago

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how to make boiled cajun shrimp | Family Cuisine

Cajun Shrimp Boil - an easy and tasty classic shrimp boil with baby red potatoes, corn on the cob, and Andouille sausages generously seasoned with Creole Seasoning and garnished with lemon for a fresh and vibrant summer outdoor meal ready in less than an hour. <img src="https://ift.tt/3C530l0" alt="Cajun shrimp boil on a baking sheet with creole butter sauce" /> Nothing screams summer to me than outdoor meals like this easy cajun shrimp boil recipe here. In fact, it’s on top of my list of go-to summer meals when I feel so lazy grilling outside. If you think grilling is easy enough, this one here is the most-laid back summer meal you could ever have. You just have to generously season the shrimps, potatoes, sausages, and corn, mix it well. Transfer them to a baking sheet and bake them for a few minutes and you’re all set for a wonderful meal. And the best part? It’s a delicious meal with little to zero clean-up! Now, what’s not to love? It’s a must-try summer weeknight meal. All you’d ever worry about is how to make everything fit in your belly. 😉 Enjoy! <img src="https://ift.tt/3txf0J0" alt="Cajun shrimp boil on a baking sheet" /> <h2>What is Seafood Boil?</h2> Seafood Boil is generally a term referring to different types of social events that involves shellfish, like crawfish, shrimp, and crabs. The Crawfish Boil is the most popular Louisiana Cajun Tradition. They even have Crawfish Boil Festivals. Churches and other organizations hold Major Crawfish Boils in Louisiana for fundraising events. While smaller events are mostly held with family and friends for a weekend get-together and on some Holidays like Memorial Day. The cooking preparation includes boiling, steaming, baking, or sometimes just raw. The kinds of seafood used and side dishes differ according to what Region Seafood boil is being held. Traditionally, in Louisiana Shrimp Boil the ingredients are being boiled in the water to cook, drained, tossed in seasonings, and then being served. Immaculatebites Cajun Shrimp Boil on the other hand is not your ordinary Shrimp Boil. Because I like a little more action so I bake mine after coating the shrimps, potatoes, carrots, and sausages with my special secret sauce. You’ll know more about my secret as you read along. 😉 <h2>Recipe Ingredients</h2> <ul> <li>Shrimp - The star of the show. What I like about shrimp is that not only it’s high in protein but also low in carbs, calories, and fats.</li> <li>Baby Red Potatoes - Because of their low starch content, they are able to keep their shape even when boiled or roasted. Plus, they also have a creamy texture because they are high in moisture. </li> <li>Andouille Sausage - Has a unique distinct flavor with a coarse, smoky, and sharp taste. The sausage is already cooked so you can cook it along with shrimp and corn without worrying if it will come out raw.</li> <li>Corn - I suggest using sweet corn. It is naturally sweet and has an extra crunch when you bite on it. If you have extra corn, you can also try my Oven Roasted Corn on the Cob or click here to learn How to Boil Corn.</li> <li>Creole Seasoning - is the secret to the best Cajun boil recipe. I suggest buying the Salt-free Creole Seasoning. If you can’t find any, try Immaculatebites Creole Seasoning here. </li> <li>Minced Garlic - By cutting garlic into smaller pieces you can really get the flavor and aroma to soak into the shrimp, potatoes, and corn. You can use store-bought or mince it yourself by cutting into tiny pieces using my guide, How to Mince Garlic.</li> <li>Thyme - The subtle minty and earthy flavor with a hint of sweetness and floral notes add character to this dish.</li> <li>Butter - A super versatile ingredient that gives your seafood boil a moist and flavorful sensation.</li> <li>Salt and Pepper - The ultimate seasoning duo. Without these two, any dish will taste bland.</li> <li>Onion - This is optional. I prefer to use yellow onion since it’s sweeter and has a nice astringency taste. You can also check How to Cut Onions here. </li> <li>Lemon - Is used for garnishing to make it more inviting and appetizing. It also masks the distinct “seafood” smell and taste. </li> <li>Cilantro - For garnishing. I personally love the aroma and fresh flavor but if you are one of those who doesn’t like cilantro, just leave it out completely.</li> </ul> <img src="https://ift.tt/3nnQMjq" alt="Cajun shrimp, red potatoes, sausage, and corn season with creole seasoning" /> <h2>Recipe Substitution and Additions</h2> Andouille Sausage Substitutes <ul> <li>Kielbasa Sausage - is a smoked sausage often made with pork. It has a distinct garlic flavor and with a kick of heat.</li> <li>Smoke Beef Sausage - is very similar to Andouille Sausage. Coarse ground smoked sausage, lightly spiced, and less garlicky.</li> <li>Chinese Sausage or Chinese Chorizo - is generally sweet and salty in taste, perfect to use if you want to add some Asian touch to this dish.</li> <li>Vegan Sausage - yes, they exist! Mostly, they are made from buckwheat flour, white beans, or tofu.</li> </ul> Additions <ul> <li>Lobster - If you have extra bucks to burn, why not? It will make your dish extra special and fancier.</li> <li>Crabs - like shrimp and lobster, it has a delicately sweet taste bursting with flavors. Just add crab and you’ll have a Cajun shrimp recipe boiling crab.</li> <li>Clams - has a salty taste chewy texture.</li> <li>Mussels - like clams, it has an “oceany” salty flavor with a slightly chewy texture.</li> <li>Bell Peppers - to add more color and veggies to your Cajun Style Shrimp Boil. The contrasting taste of bitterness and sweetness adds character and depth to the dish.</li> <li>Chili Peppers - Serrano, Jalapenos, or Scotch Bonnet Peppers are the best choice to make mouthwatering spicy Louisiana Shrimp Boil.</li> </ul> Note: It is better to precook these kinds of seafood before putting them in the oven or grilling them in foil packets to ensure even cooking. <img src="https://ift.tt/38X4PE3" alt="Oven baked cajun shrimp" /> <h2>How to Peel and Devein Shrimp?</h2> Peeling and Deveining shrimp is very easy to do especially on large shrimps. It is done mostly for aesthetic purposes and nothing to do with hygiene. You can skip this process for small shrimps. Though it is called deveining, the black “string” found in the shrimps are actually their digestive tract and are not harmful when eaten. Just follow these steps to peel and devein your shrimps easily: <ul> <li>Remove the head and legs.</li> <li>Peel the outer shell starting with the head end. Keep the last part of the shell with the tail tip, for decorative purposes.</li> <li>Using a paring knife, make a shallow cut on the outer edge of the shrimp’s back about a half-centimeter deep until you see the vein.</li> <li>Pull the vein with your fingers or using the tip of a paring knife.</li> <li>If you want to keep the shells on, make a shallow cut on the shell and the outer edge of the shrimp’s back using kitchen scissors and pull out the vein.</li> <li>Gather the shells and place them in a secured plastic bag and discard them properly or you may freeze them to make shellfish broth or stock.</li> </ul> <h2>How Long to Boil Cajun Shrimp?</h2> In Immaculatebites Cajun Shrimp Boil Recipe, only the potatoes and corn need to be precooked. Both are being boiled in water for about 8-10 minutes since they take a longer time to cook. While the shrimp and sausage are being baked along with precooked potatoes and corn for about 12-15 minutes. How long to boil shrimp depends on the size of the shrimp used. Shrimps cook very fast, as soon as they changed into a bright orange color you’ll know they are done. Small to medium shrimp only takes 30 seconds to 1 minute to cook and large to jumbo ones will take about 2-4 minutes to cook. So you really need to watch out to avoid overcooking the shrimp. More Tips and Tricks at the end of the recipe card. Don’t forget to check it out! 😉 <h2>Making Ahead and Storage Instructions</h2> Make-Ahead You can literally prepare everything ahead and pop them in the oven the next day. <ul> <li>Place the seasoned corn, potatoes, and sausage in a clean bowl, covered, and the seasoned shrimp in a separate container. So the “fishy” aroma of the shrimps won’t be absorbed by the potatoes, corn, and sausage.</li> <li>Or line the seasoned ingredients in a single layer on the baking sheet and cover with a cling wrap. Again, place the shrimp in a separate container.</li> <li>Refrigerate for up to 24 hours.</li> <li>Proceed with cooking instructions and add extra 5 minutes to cooking time.</li> </ul> Storing Leftover <ul> <li>You can place them in foil packets or airtight containers.</li> <li>Refrigerate for up to 3 days.</li> <li>Reheat in the oven at 350°F for 10-12 minutes or Microwave on high for 3-5 minutes.</li> </ul> <h2>What to Do with Leftovers?</h2> <ul> <li>Soup - you can turn it into a creamy cajun shrimp chowder or cajun shrimp soup.</li> <li>Omelette - get the corn off the cob and then chop the sausages, shrimp, and potatoes into small cubes. Add them to scrambled eggs or make an omelette.</li> <li>Pasta or salad - you can add them to pasta or salad of your choice.</li> </ul> <img src="https://ift.tt/38X4QI7" alt="A close up shot of Cajun shrimp boil with Creole Butter sauce" /> <h2>What to Serve with Shrimp Boil?</h2> While waiting, you can make your side dish for a complete summer outdoor meal. You can work your way through the recipes below. <ul> <li> Coleslaw</li> <li>Mexican Cornbread</li> <li>Chickpea Salad</li> <li>Baked Mac and Cheese</li> <li>Macaroni Salad</li> </ul> <h2>More Southern Seafood Recipes to Love</h2> <ul> <li>Corn Shrimp Soup</li> <li>Crawfish Etouffee</li> <li>Seafood Gumbo</li> <li>New Orleans BBQ Shrimp</li> <li>Blackened Shrimp and Pasta</li> </ul> <img src="https://ift.tt/2XaTrlm" alt="Cajun shrimp and sausage boil garnished with cilantro and lemon slices" /> <h2>How to Boil Shrimp Cajun Style</h2> <img src="https://ift.tt/3C2BKnf" alt="Boiling red potatoes and corn" /> <h2>Precook Potatoes and Corn</h2> <ul> <li>Preheat oven - to 400 degrees F. Then spray a sheet pan with a nonstick spray and set aside.</li> <li>Boil potatoes - fill a large pot with water, season with salt, and then add the potatoes, and thyme sprigs. Cover and bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer and cook about 8-10 minutes or until tender. Potatoes should be firm. (Photo 1)</li> <li>Add corn - and cook for 3-5 minutes. Drain water. (Photos 2-4)</li> </ul> <img src="https://ift.tt/3nqpjhc" alt="Making the Creole butter sauce" /> <h2>Make the Creole Butter Sauce</h2> <ul> <li>Combine - in a small pan, combine the butter, creole seasoning, garlic, and thyme. You may also add onions. (Photo 5)</li> <li>Heat and saute - On medium-low heat, saute them for 30-60 seconds and remove them from heat. (Photo 6)</li> </ul> <img src="https://ift.tt/391AhB6" alt="Coating the shrimp, corn, potatoes, and sausages with Creole butter sauce" /> <h2>Season and Bake</h2> <ul> <li>Coat with Creole butter sauce - add the Creole butter sauce to the shrimp, potatoes, and corn and give it a stir until everything is evenly coated. (Photos 7-9)</li> <li>Line and season- line all the ingredients in a single layer on a baking sheet and add the Andouille sausages. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and Creole Seasoning. (Photo 10)</li> <li>Bake - Bake for about 12-15 minutes, or until shrimp is pink and cooked through.</li> <li>Serve - Garnish with sliced lemon and chopped cilantro.</li> </ul> <h2>Grilling and Packets</h2> <ul> <li>Divide into 3-4 portions - Divide between 3-4 packets of aluminum foil. Fold edges of foil up around the food to close the packet for heat retention and keep the liquids in.</li> <li>Grill - Place on preheated grill over medium-high heat for about 8 minutes per side.</li> <li>Serve - Serve immediately garnished with lemon wedges. </li> </ul> source https://familycuisine.net/how-to-make-boiled-cajun-shrimp/

#familycuisine

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troubleisfree · 7 years ago

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Brazilian Pudim

@heartsoftruth

ok ash, here it is

Ingredients:

1 can sweetened condensed milk (14oz ~ 400g)

1 1/2 - 1 3/4 can whole or 2% milk (using the can from the condensed milk to measure, so 21 - 24oz or 600-700g)

3 eggs

1 cup sugar (225g)

1 packet powdered vanilla (like dr. Oetker) or 1-2 t.s. liquid vanilla

Needed:

Heavy duty saucepan, small to medium size abt 2-3 qt (2-3 liters). Stainless steel is best; if you use a non-stick you may end up damaging the coating (i use http://a.co/hzK4PSu)

Blender (i have used both this http://a.co/9MzwadF and http://a.co/10lCBAU for when i double the recipe)

Angel food or bundt cake form (like this http://a.co/iOIurHf or http://a.co/hWPCdr8 i have used both) or plain round pan.

A plain round pan with larger diameter than the baking pan for the water bath

Method:

Preheat oven to 350F (~175C).

Bring water to boil (about 1-2 liters) separately for the water bath.

Add the sugar to the saucepan and heat on medium-low. Stir gently to keep the sugar on the bottom from burning. When the sugar is melted/bubbling and starts to caramelize remove from the stove (dont wait too long, it burns quickly). Immediately pour in your pudim form and swirl around to coat the sides about half way up. Put the coated form aside to cool while you prepare the pudim mixture.

In a blender, pour the condensed milk, regular milk, eggs, and vanilla and blend/pulse for a few minutes. Pour the mixture in the coated form.

Place the larger pan in the oven. Place the pudim form inside the larger pan. Pour the hot water into the larger pan around the pudim form to at least about 1/2 way up.

Bake for 30-90 minutes (depending on form/size/volume/etc) until the pudim is set. Try shaking lightly the pudim form to see if it is jiggly. Or you can use a long toothpick.

When it is done, take it out of the oven (remove the pudim form only first to avoid the weight and splashing hot water if you try to remove the larger pan with the form still in the water bath) and cool to about room temp. Run a knife along the edges and shake the form to loosen the pudim, put a serving plate on top and flip it on the serving plate. Careful of the caramel, it splatters if you are not quick with the flip and the pudim is low/too far from the serving plate. Nothing you can do about the last, but just be aware of the splatter. If you are not quick with the flip, the pudim can break - still absolutely edible just not as pretty.

Chill in the fridge overnight and then eat, if you have patience. I dont, so i eat right away :)

Some advice:

Watch that sugar - it takes a long time to get to the melting point but then it can burn in seconds.

If you get any caramel splatter on the stove, put a wet paper towel over it to dissolve a bit before trying to remove.

Boil the water for the water bath preferably in a tea kettle or a vessel with a spout (I use an electric teakettle) so you can pour it easily and safely later.

To make the cleanup easier you can add a bit of water to the cooled (not while its still hot!!!) left over hardened caramel in the saucepan and heat again to dissolve. Since you cant do that with most cake forms, the only way to wash the pudim form from the hardened caramel left after you flip the pudim out is to soak it forever (ok, not forever but a loooong time) in warm/hot water.

This is a very forgiving dish - if you have 2 eggs instead of 3, its ok; 4 is ok too; a little more or a little less milk is ok. Less milk will give you a thick creamy and very sweet pudim, more milk makes a lighter less sweet pudim that is similar in texture to creme caramel. I have made it with 1 can condensed to 1, 1 1/2, 1 3/4, 2, 2 1/2 cans regular milk and it all works. My favorite is 1 1/2 to 1/3/4 which is still very creamy without making me feel like im eating sugar.

If you want you can double the recipe, just make sure your blender is big enough because the mixture froths a lot while you are blending and bake longer until done.

The serving plate you flip it to should have a bit of a lip to contain the liquid caramel that will come with the pudim.

#pudim #recipe #food

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theganjadigest · 7 years ago

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/r/trees FAQ!

Hello fellow ents, I've been on this sub for quite a while now and it's about time we have a solid FAQ addressing questions I see asked just about every day, sometimes more than once. My goal is to give in-depth, researched answers to many of these.

Of course, I am but human, so if you think Im wrong or have made a mistake, send me a pm and lets hash it out. If you all like it and it sticks around I want to continue updating it!

HOW TO CLEAN A GLASS PIECE

Cleaning a glass piece is way easier than you might think. Unless you have a very complicated piece, this method will work every time.

Soak your piece in 91% isopropyl alcohol for 10-15 minutes, up to 30 if it's really gunked up.

-For pipes the easiest way is to put it in a baggie -For bongs, rigs, large pipes, etc, find a way to either submerse the piece or fill it up all way in every spot you can.

Put some water through a coffee pot or boil it in a pan. You want it as hot as possible.

Pour the hot water through the piece and you'll see the dissolving resin melt right off the glass and get whisked away. Pour all of the water through to ensure the iso smell/taste doesnt longer, and tada.

This method also works for pieces made of most other materials.

For dab rigs that want to harvest reclaim:

Soak your piece in isopropyl alcohol for up to 2 hours, occasionally stirring it or giving it a gentle shake.

Empty the reclaim-laden iso onto a large plate and set it in a breezy area (or use a small fan) for 24 hours or until all of the alcohol has evaporated. Scrape and enjoy.

Run boiling water through the piece to finish cleaning it and remove any remaining alcohol.

An alternative method is heating up the piece just enough to turn the reclaim into liquid and let it collect in a harvestable location.

WHAT ABOUT SMOKING RESIN?

Age old question with a million different answers. After thorough research, here is what I have come up with:

Can you get high off resin? Yes, but it turns out the potency depends on many factors. Strains naturally vary in THC content for one, and not every toker tokes the same way; lighting habits, how often the bowl is cleaned, and how old the resin is has a lot to do with the potency.

On average resin has roughly half of the THC content your average bud. However, if the resin has been overheated or is old and subsequently been exposed to more bowls, it is likely to have a much lower THC content.

Why does it give me such a headrush if there is less THC?

This is likely due to asphyxiation. All that tar prevents your lungs from absorbing the oxygen they need, leading to a lightheaded feeling similar to holding your breath for a long time or standing up too quick. Smoking resin also often leads to headaches, likely for this same reason.

When you smoke resin you're literally smoking the byproducts of combustion. It is way more carcinogenic, it gunks up your lungs, and it tastes like garbage. I dont advise it.

WILL I PASS THIS DRUG TEST?

Since there is no blanket response to this question, I'll instead cover the general information. If your question is too specific for this guide, ask away ent!

To begin, lets make some labels.

• Rarely: Once a month or less • Occasionally: Once every other week or so, about a few times a month. • Often: At least once a week • Regularly: At least once a day • Heavy: Multiple times throughout the day

How long does THC stay in the system?

In the average clean person, THC is metabolized and expelled completely within about 3 days. If you smoke occasionally, it could take up to a week, but likely not any more. Smoking often it could take 2-3 weeks and regularly up to a month. Heavy users can expect to remain dirty for up to 2 months. These are generalizations of course, but it's an accurate baseline to figure out about how long until you're clean again. Remember to expect slight variations depending on your weight, level of activity, and diet.

How to get clean faster?

There is no sure-fire way to piss clean if you have smoked within the last couple days.

But what about those detox drinks? Well, they have extremely mixed results and often end up showing an unreadable test. This is because they basically just want to flush your system, and since they're technically dietary suppliments, they aren't regulated by the FDA and can literally be bullshit in a bottle.

The only proven way to speed up the process is to accelerate your endocrine system (you need to pee it all out). This can be done by exercising to burn fat that has the metabolites stored in it, sweating copiously (saunas work well), and drinking a lot of water. Cranberry or pickle juice is also common because they make you pee more.

What about saliva tests?

Dont smoke the day of the test and use Listerine before the test and you'll pass. If you have smoked the day of the test there is no guarantee that you'll pass. There are kits on the market made to clean your mouth so that you can pass, but I have no experience with them personally.

What about hair tests?

Hair stores THC metabolites in it indefinitely, as far as I know. Because hair takes so long to grow, most testing is done on the area closer to your scalp, with the size of the testing area depending on the timeframe they want you to have been clean for. There are shampoos but they seem to have mixed results at best. If you have smoked within the last week it likely wont show up yet, though.

TOLERANCE BREAKS?

What is a T-Break?

A tolerance break is when a regular smoker stops smoking for a while to allow their accumulated tolerance to drop.

Should I take a T-Break?

If you're starting to feel like you're getting less of a high or if it is taking more and more to get you to the level you want to be, a tolerance break may be in order.

Your body's immune system reacts when you smoke weed. It releases special cells to attack the intruding molecules and metabolize them, and just like when exposed to other foreign bodies, it learns how to fight it. The result is a shorter, less intense high. When you take a tolerance break you're letting your immune system "forget" about it for a little while so when you come back it cant respond as efficiently as it used to.

How long should a tolerance break last?

Well, that's up to you. If you take a break for a week, you'll get higher again for a little while, but it's pretty temporary. 2-3 weeks is generally considered a good amount of time away for the average smoker. The longer you wait, the more of a resistance your immune system will have to rebuild, and the longer your t-break will be effective.

I SMOKED FOR THE FIRST TIME AND DIDNT GET HIGH, WHAT GIVES?

Dont worry, this is super common! And most of the time it's just because you're a newbie at smoking.

Many first timers dont know how to properly hit a bowl, or they dont hit it hard enough so they dont ingest enough to actually get high. The second time is almost always successful.

Another possibility is that since the cannabinoid receptors in your brain have never experienced a cannabinoid other than the ones they create, they may simply block them. I find this unlikely though because I have personally experienced many people getting too stoned their first time.

I HAD MY WISDOM TEETH REMOVED, CAN I SMOKE?

NOOOO. Trust me, it isnt worth it. Smoking (and using straws) creates a suction that can, and will, rip your bloodclots out. This means that the hole where your tooth was is just that: a hole with a bunch of exposed bone. And it is painful.

I suggest using it as an opportunity to take a tolerance break, but if you insist on getting high while recovering, edibles are your only safe option. You see around about how you can bite on gauze, or use a gravity bong, etc., but none of those methods are foolproof. If you arent careful or if you even cough too hard, you can very easily ruin your next 3 weeks.

I've been through a double dry socket because I smoked when I shouldnt have, and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. You have been warned.

Submitted August 02, 2017 at 01:59PM by BeautifulChickens via reddit http://ift.tt/2uWXCAK

#ganja #pot #marijuana #420 #blaze it #legalize it

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backwardspalindrome · 7 years ago

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so here’s what’s been going on with me lately (this is a long post with a lot of rambling, sorry):

1. i haven’t been using this blog like at all. the last posts were from pretty early in my first semester at college. once i got through that initial hard part of getting used to the university environment, my life has been incredible. here’s a couple sub-points:

1a) i started hormone therapy (spiro tablets and an estradiol patch) in january. actually started on friday, january 13th which is beautiful and i love it. that also means that my 5 month anniversary is the day before my birthday this month. but that’s stuff you probably know from my tumblr and twitter.

1b) i really started to connect with a few people at college and now i have a better grasp of who i can trust and who i can turn to. that’s a weird and bad way of putting it, but it’s important that i know those things.

1c) i also started doing more with my online friends like cole and jack. in fact, i am now officially the Founder of something - i run a podcast network along with cole that’s shaping up to be pretty good. again, keep an eye on my twitter and tumblr.

1d) in the few weeks leading up to finals and summer break, i met a transfem person on okcupid in springfield. (she had “trans woman” on her bio when we found each other on the app, but i guess that’s no longer fully accurate. i haven’t asked her about labels or even pronouns yet because i’m a bad person.) her name is leslie and she is just stunningly gorgeous. we like a lot of the same things and we were kinda talking really vaguely about maybe having some kind of not-just-platonic relationship. i met up with her face-to-face for the first time just a couple days before i left for summer break. i like her a lot, but distance is hard and i get paranoid easily.

2. this brings me to the problem, and the reason i’m back on this blog after so long. i had to move back to tipton for summer break. i couldn’t find any internship or job or summer class to keep me in springfield so now i’m back in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and no one to see. and it’s tearing me back down again. here come the sub-points.

2a) i came out to my parents about a year ago. the day before i moved to springfield, actually. my sister told me that it would help if i gave them some kind of expectation or directive - something they could do to show support. i asked them to use my name and my pronouns when we were alone. just in private, not a big task, and i made sure that they knew i wasn’t expecting perfection. my mother has used my name one time in the year since. my dad has not. neither have used my pronouns. i tried to confront them about this the other day. their reasoning boiled down to: well, we have some problems with how you act at home and so we’re not going to give you the basic respect of name and pronouns. fuck, i’m being reductive but they literally brought up how i don’t refill water jugs or how i don’t like eating with other people. during the conversation i was trying to have about my pronouns. they brought up other things that i feel are part of me being somewhat autistic (that’s a separate conversation). my mother said to me that when she thinks of trying to say my name out loud, it makes her want to throw up. she said that to my face. and i’m the one who has to change my behavior.

2b) there’s no one here. in college, i had easy access to my college friends (who are actually pretty good at handling heavy topics), my online friends, support groups, and my counselor. if i felt something and i needed to talk about it, 80% of the time i had someone willing to talk with me. now i have my online friends and that’s it. i can’t talk about anything with my parents, i have no friends in tipton, and there’s not a single community within 30 miles of here where i could actually belong. there’s no lgbt center in tipton, there’s no pride celebrations in tipton, there’s no group counseling in tipton, there’s no therapists in tipton. the only thing i can do with my emotions is let them fester in my head.

2c) i’ve always felt negatively about tipton. my entire life i’ve hated this piece of shit town and everything around it, about it, and in it. i’m starting to think that my attitude of hating the physical place of tipton also started to apply to how i feel about my experiences being in the closet. all of the worst things in my life - being closeted, my bad relationship with my parents, my inability to find friends, the lack of resources - they all are tied to this town. that’s why it was so easy for me to adjust to springfield. i was ecstatic to leave the town where i had to endure 17 years of psychological harm. that’s maybe part of the reason i felt so good for so long in springfield too. i left everything bad behind. and now, i’m back. and all those 17 years and all those bad experiences just sat here in tipton and waited for me. add to that the fact that apparently my parents were fostering more resentment than i thought about the fact that i never wanted to come home. for me, tipton is everything wrong about the world in one place. if you were to make a community built on willful ignorance, it would be named tipton, missouri. my primary goal in life is to never have to be in tipton ever again. but here i am.

i think i’m done with the points and sub-points now, but now we’ve made it to my big fear right now and the reason i started writing this post in the first place. i think i might be slipping back into the tipton headspace. i went back to dressing more like i used to (old t-shirts, sweatpants). my dysphoria - while thankfully not as bad as it used to be - is coming back. the ever-present fear that i forgot was part of the atmosphere of tipton is back. ever since i got here, i haven’t been able to stop comparing my life during college to my life now. the main thing is that in college, i was actually happy. i was happy most of the time. i was happy in a general way that touched every part of my life. i realized this sometime in second semester.

see, i used to do this obnoxious depressive-nihilist-millenial thing where every time i crossed the street i’d make a half-joke in my head about getting hit by a car. it takes different forms, but i think you know what i’m talking about. sometime in second semester i crossed a street, saw a car, and had that thought about getting hit. and then immediately, i realized that no - no, i don’t want to die. that was the first time i ever remember having the explicit thought “i don’t want to die”. i felt like i had a future for the first time in my life. when i began to fully understand what that moment was for me, it was one of the most terrifying and the most liberating realizations of my entire life. liberating, because i recognized that there was a possible future where i could live as myself and be happy. terrifying, because i realized all at once that i should have had that feeling before, and tipton stole it away from me.

i described it to my counselor like this: tipton is a bubble, and it has an insidious way of making the people inside it think there’s nothing else in the world but tipton. tipton contains everything, and it’s not possible for someone to need something that tipton doesn’t have. remember how i said earlier that tipton has no lgbt centers, no theatres, no therapy? when you’re in tipton, you can’t need those things. nobody needs those things. what even is it that you think you need? those things don’t exist. you don’t need therapy, you just need to suck it up. why aren’t you like everyone else?

that’s what tipton did to me. and that’s what it’s trying to do to me again. i noticed today that my brain seems to have gone back to being depressed more often than not. but now i know there are other things than this god-forsaken hellhole. tipton is what drove me two steps from attempting suicide. i will burn the entire god damned place to the ground before i let it do that to me again. i don’t know how i’m going to avoid all this shit. i just know that i can’t let tipton destroy me for a second time.

i don’t have a game plan. all i have is this. i’m writing this on thursday. tomorrow i work. saturday i’m coming out to my grandparents. sunday, i’m coming out to my uncle. these are the people that my parents told me i need to talk to in person before i can come out on facebook. my public coming out will be at midnight on my birthday - wednesday. i want every obscure relative and forgotten acquaintance to see this post when they try to wish me a half-hearted happy birthday. i’m gonna spend the following two days dealing with the aftermath. i have no plans after that, but i think once i come out publicly i’ll be able to fight back more effectively. i’m going to rip control of my life out of the hands of this town and then i’m going to be the most important force in my life again.

i started this post because i felt sad and helpless about what tipton was doing to me. but for the first time, writing shit on this blog has actually helped me. all of this post boils down to what could be described as my supervillain origin story: this town ruined me once. now, i’m going to make it kneel before me.

#long post #long-ass post

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josephkitchen0 · 7 years ago

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3 Breads I No Longer Buy at the Store

Bagels, hamburger rolls and french bread are three breads I no longer buy at the store, unless I am feeling lazy. The hardest one of these for me to overcome mentally was making bagels at home. I just could not see how these could be as delicious as a bagel shop’s bagels. Let me tell you how wrong I was! The hamburger rolls are literally the best ever. It’s hard to not eat them all plain with butter as they come from the oven. French bread is something I learned to make early in my life. It is simple and so much better than the store purchased loaf. Take your garlic bread to a new level of delicious with homemade french bread!

The Uncommon Hamburger Bun

Hamburger buns are easily found in any food store or convenience market. The problem is finding a package of buns that is not loaded with preservatives and ingredients you might not want to feed your family. What if you could make the hamburger rolls in the time it takes to get a salad and potatoes ready for the meal? You can make hamburger buns. Soon you will join me saying, this is one of the breads I no longer buy at the store!

Ingredients

1 cup of warm water

4 and 1/2 tsp active dry yeast

1/4 cup honey

1 tsp salt

1/2 cup softened butter

1 egg

3 and 1/2 cup flour

Instructions

Measure out the yeast. and sprinkle it over the warm water in a large mixing bowl or stand mixer. Let the yeast wake up for a few minutes. Add all the additional ingredients to the bowl.

Mix with the dough hook for 3 to 5 minutes. Dough will form and look smooth. Add a tiny bit of additional flour if dough is really sticky.

Dump the dough on a floured board and divide the dough into the rolls. If I want hamburger size rolls, I divide into eight equal pieces, rolling into a ball, and flattening slightly.

Choose to Make What you Need

You can also choose to make 24 dinner size rolls or 12 smaller sandwich rolls by dividing into smaller size balls. One time I tried this recipe using a single loaf pan. This worked out well and was great for sandwiches as it sliced evenly and had a good texture.

Place the rolls on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Space the rolls evenly.

Cover the sheet with a towel and let rise for 45 minutes.

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

Bake uncovered for 10 to 15 minutes. (If you make one loaf of bread the baking time is closer to 30 minutes.)

Cool and serve!

These rolls freeze well for later.

French Bread is so Versatile!

French Bread goes with just about any meal. I rarely turn down a sample of fresh bread! The recipe is versatile also. Are you making a french dip roast beef in the crock pot? Use this recipe to make rolls instead of a full loaf. Your family and guests will be impressed with your skills! Only you will know how easy making french bread can be.

Ingredients

5 – 6 cups of all purpose flour

2 packages of active dry yeast or instant yeast

2 tsps salt

2 cups warm water- divided (115 – 120 degrees F)

optional- 1 egg white and 1 Tbsp water for brushing on the loaves before baking.

Instructions

Adding yeast directly to the dry ingredients is fine if you are using instant yeast. Regular Active Dry Yeast should be proofed. Use 1/2 cup of the recipe’s warm water, in a small bowl mix the yeast and 1/2 cup warm water. Sprinkle a pinch of white sugar on top and let it sit and proof for about 10 minutes. The mixture should bubble and become frothy looking.

In the mixer bowl add two cups flour, the salt and the remaining one and one half cups warm water. Begin mixing slightly. Stop the mixer and add the proofed yeast mixture.

Using one cup at a time, add the additional flour until the dough ball forms. Continue to let the mixer knead the dough for about 5- 8 minutes longer. The dough should be smooth and springy and pull away cleanly from the bowl.

Grease a large bowl. Place the dough ball in the bowl and turn to lightly coat the ball with oil. Cover with a clean dish towel. Put the bowl in a warm draft free place to rise for about one hour. If my house is really cool, this is how I get a warm spot for the bread dough to rise. Preheat the oven for a few minutes. Turn off the oven. Let it cool to a the point it feels really warm. Place the bowl in the oven with the door cracked slightly. Leave it to rise. Remove before preheating the oven for baking.

Getting Ready to Bake – One more rise

Punch down the dough and remove from the bowl. Place on a cutting board. Cut the dough into two pieces. ( Or if you choose to make rolls, cut into 8 pieces.) Let rest for 10 minutes. Taking one piece at a time, roll the dough into a 10 X 15 rectangle. On the long side, begin rolling the dough up tightly. Pinch the seam to seal and turn the ends under the loaf slightly. Place the loaves on a baking sheet that is greased and sprinkled with corn meal if desired. I like to use parchment paper to bake on as it reduces my chance of burning the bottom of the loaves.

Cover the loaves on the baking sheet with a towel and allow them to rise a second time for about 45 minutes. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

Make 3 diagonal cuts into the top of each loaf.

Prepare the egg white glaze and brush on the loaves. This gives them a lovely shiny appearance when baked.

Bake for 40 to 45 minutes.

While this is a recipe that requires a second rise time, there is nothing difficult about making French bread. If you like step by step photos check out this post on French bread baking and other delicious bread recipes.

The Bagels – Breads I No Longer Buy

Folks, I am not kidding when I tell you that I love bagels. I can eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Bagels pair well with grass fed,homemade butter, homemade cream cheese, fresh jam, lunch meat, tunafish salad, chicken salad, eggs and bacon. The list goes on. I really thought this would be way too time consuming for my busy schedule. And then I saw a recipe that broke it all down for my pea brain. It didn’t look hard at all. The next time I ran out of bagels I grabbed the flour and mixer and made my own. Now I have added bagels to the list of breads I no longer buy at the store!

Ingredients

1 packet of dry active yeast or 1 tablespoon 4 Cups of flour 2 teaspoons salt 1 1/2 Cups of warm water

easy so far, right?

Instructions

(if you want step by step photos of this process, check out my source for the recipe – here)

Using a stand mixer or a large mixing bowl, add the flour and salt. Make a well in the center and add the warm water.

Add the yeast to the warm water and let it wake up for a few minutes. It will look bubbly and frothy when ready.

Begin mixing the dough. Switch to the dough hook and knead for 5 to 10 minutes. The dough needs to be smooth and stretchy.

Grease a large bowl and put the dough in, flipping it over so top and bottom are greased. Cover with a towel and allow to rise for one and a half hours.

Do not punch down the dough as you do in most other recipes. Just pour the dough from the bowl onto a floured surface.

Cut the dough into 8 equal parts and shape in to balls, sort of flattened on top.

Place the dough balls on the baking sheet lined with parchment paper. ( I burn so many things if I don’t use parchment paper) Cover with the towel again and let rise for 30 minutes.

The Magic Bagel Step

Bring water to a boil in a large pot. Add 2 tablespoons brown sugar and 1 tablespoon granulated white sugar to the water.

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Push a hole into the center of each bagel using your thumb.

Put a few bagels at a time into the boiling water. Cook for two minutes on one side, then flip to the other side for an additional two minutes. (A wooden spoon handle is a good tool for flipping the bagels.)

Place the boiled bagels on the lined baking sheet. (You can grease the baking sheet if you don’t have parchment paper)

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Finally, cool the bagels completely before storing.

Once you start making your own bread, making delicious homemade butter can’t be far behind.Check out these additional posts on making butter at home.

Making Butter in a Jar with Kids

How to Make Butter- A Visual Guide

Everyone should have a good all purpose bread baking cookbook on hand. I recommend this one from Common Sense Homestead. Never Buy Bread Again

3 Breads I No Longer Buy at the Store was originally posted by All About Chickens

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