#for context my dad was given free theme park tickets

[pizza-feverdream]

I'm sick I'm so sick and I'm supposed to go on fucking roller coasters tomorrow??????? Why?? I don't want to 😭

[the-desolated-quill]

Nightmare In Silver - Doctor Who blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Neil Gaiman writing a Cyberman story? What could possibly go wrong?

...

Fucking EVERYTHING!

I... You... Wha... What the hell happened?! This came from the same guy that wrote The Doctor’s Wife, Coraline, The Sandman and American Gods? This piece of shit came from him?... THIS?!?!

Look, the Cybermen are very precious to me. They’re my all time favourite Who baddies due to their timeless themes and limitless potential. Which is why it breaks my heart whenever I see them mistreated like this. I mean... Jesus Christ!

Nightmare In Silver picks up where The Crimson Horror left off with those two kids blackmailing Clara into getting a free ride in the TARDIS (yeah, that didn’t make sense in and of itself. The girl Angie says she’ll tell her dad that Clara is a time traveller, but what are the chances of her dad actually believing her? Come off it!). Normally I despise children (both in real life and in fiction) and this episode very handily reminds me of all the reasons why. God I hate these brats! The little boy (Arty I think his name was) is this big wooden dork and Angie is quite possibly the most spoilt, arrogant, ungrateful little shit I think I’ve ever seen. She’s travelled to another planet in a spaceship that’s bigger on the inside, and what’s her reaction? ‘Oh this is so boooooooring! Oh Clara you’re so stupid! You always spoil everything! I want to go home!’ Oh go fuck yourself, you moaning little bastard! What’s worse is that these kids don’t actually play any sort of role other than needing to be rescued. You know characterisation has gone seriously wrong when their personalities are actually improved by Cyberfication.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about the new Cybermen. While I do prefer the RTD Cybermen in terms of design, these new ones are quite cool. More robotic looking this time around and I’m fascinated by the suggestion that at this point in their history they’re less cyborgs and more biomechanical, converting flesh directly into metal. It’s been a running thing that each new Cyber design in the series represents another advancement in their evolution, and this feels like a very logical leap to me. I also really like the Cybermites. Much prefer them to the Cybermats, which I’ve never liked. What I really don’t like however are the superpowers. My jaw hit the floor when that Cyberman started running at super speed like the Bionic Man, not just because the effect looks like shit and there’s no way Angie would have survived being hit with such speed and velocity, but because it’s a leap too far. Same goes for Cyber body parts detaching and operating by themselves, as well as Cybermen being immune to lasers and upgrading themselves so that they can’t be electrocuted. They’ve effectively become an army of Cyber-Supermans. They can just do anything now. They’re way too overpowered to the point where it all starts to become laughably absurd, and because we no longer know what their limitations are, they become more vague as a threat, and therefore more dull. (Also how come the Cybermen never use their super speed ever again? That ability could have come in useful multiple times).

Actually I tell a lie. They do bring back one limitation from the classic series. It’s... hmph... their weakness against gold.

For those of you who don’t know, in the classic series they introduced the idiotic and nonsensical idea that the Cybermen were vulnerable to gold because it’s a non-corrosive substance that can clog up their breathing apparatus and suffocate them. First of all, since when did Cybermen need to breathe? Second, what does being non-corrosive got to do with clogging up anything? And third, why specifically gold? Couldn’t you clog up their breathing apparatus with something else? Like water for instance? And it just got worse and worse when it developed from gold suffocating them to gold just affecting them in general. Despite being bulletproof, apparently you can kill a Cyberman with golden arrows. Rubbing Adric’s gold badge on the Cyberleader’s chest plate in Earthshock was enough to hinder it, and there was one really low moment in Silver Nemesis where the Cybermen were destroyed by Ace using some gold coins and a slingshot. It’s quite possibly the most embarrassing aspect of Cyber lore and it makes me cringe whenever I think about it, so you can probably imagine my relief when the Cybermen first arrived in New Who back in 2006 and there wasn’t a single mention of gold anywhere.

Now imagine my horror and disappointment when the Doctor is able to briefly incapacitate the Cyber-Planner inside his head by slapping a golden ticket on his face. And somehow Gaiman managed to make it even worse by implying that cleaning fluid can have the same effect. Yes. Cleaning fluid. So the Cybermen are an unstoppable force that will not rest until they’ve hunted you down and converted you, and you should be very afraid of them... unless you’ve got a bottle of Toilet Duck to hand, in which case you’re basically fine.

Yes the Cyber-Planner makes its first appearance since The Invasion way back in the 1960s. It’s no longer a brain inside a giant metal apparatus however. It’s now a Cyber hive mind/network that assimilates other beings into its consciousness, mostly children in order to use their imaginations for military strategies. Until it catches sight of the Doctor that is and tries to assimilate him. Which leads to quite possibly the worst thing about this episode. Mr. Clever. 

The Doctor being cyber-converted could be legitimately frightening, seeing this manic, warm hearted adventurer become a cold, calculating menace. Unfortunately that’s not what we end up getting. Instead we end up getting more of Matt Smith’s goofy bollocks. Mr. Clever (ugh) is just too emotional. He’s not his own character. He’s just the Doctor but evil. What’s even weirder is that the Cyber-Planner talks about how emotions are useless and that everyone is better off without them whilst it’s displaying emotion. It’s really inconsistent. I was astounded by the number of critics at the time praising Matt Smith for his performance because I honestly thought it was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. Watching him yelling and gurning his lines like an insecure pantomime villain was just embarrassing, and it shows a complete lack of understanding of who the Cybermen are (and I don’t just mean the whole emotions thing). As I’ve said numerous times in the past, the Cybermen aren’t evil like the Daleks. They’re altruistic foes. They honestly believe what they’re doing is helping us. That’s what makes them so frightening. By making the Cyber-Planner the default cackling baddie who’s evil just because, it makes the Cybermen less interesting and, as a result, less scary.

Speaking of actors giving bad performances, Jenna Coleman, I know you’ve been lumbered with a really shit character, but can you at least try to deliver your lines in a manner that isn’t smug or smarmy. Every single line has this air of snugness about it, which is irritating in and of itself, but there are occasions where it becomes really inappropriate. There are Cybermen about to breach the comical castle and the kids are in danger, and yet Clara is wandering around without a care in the world. Um Clara, shouldn’t you be panicking? Just a little? And there’s one really shocking moment where one of the soldiers informs her that someone has died, and Clara doesn’t even so much as react. In fact she’s surprisingly glib about the whole thing. I don’t know if it’s bad acting or bad directing. All I know is somebody fucked up. (Also I could have done without the bit at the end where the Doctor describes Clara as a mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a skirt that’s a bit too tight. Just... ew).

Beyond that, there isn’t really a whole lot to discuss. The theme park setting is nice, but we don’t really get to explore much of it. Jason Watkins is always good in everything he’s in, but he’s barely in this before he gets converted and is left to stand silently in the background with the kids. In fact the whole thing feels really rushed and under-developed. The punishment squad could have been interesting to explore, particularly in the context of the setting. It’s 1000 years after the Cyber Wars. The Cybermen have become the equivalent of mythological bogeymen, and now this rag tag group of failures and rejects are about to come face to face with their worst fear. The return of the long thought extinct Cybermen, now more powerful than ever. Think of the drama you could wring out of that. Instead they barely get a look in. They’re just a bunch of nameless redshirts that we don’t give a shit about. Same goes for Porridge. Warrick Davis gives a decent performance, but his character just isn’t very well developed. You could have expanded his character greatly. Given him a whole arc with him coming to terms with the horrible decisions he made in order to end the Cyber Wars (wait. He’s over a 1000 years old? Well I suppose if Liz 10 can survive well past 300 years in The Beast Below, I guess it’s possible) and finally reaccepting his position as Emperor. Instead it just feels like he’s going through the motions. He never actually changes or evolves. He just returns to being Emperor because... the script said so.

Nightmare In Silver is bad. Like Revenge Of The Cybermen/Silver Nemesis bad. The plot is weak, the characters are under-developed, the kids are annoying, the Doctor and Clara are still just as obnoxious as ever, and they completely botch the Cybermen. I pity anyone who tries to write a Cyberman story in the future after this disaster.