#for clarity by young adulthood i mean early-mid college. when i had independence but my parents were still right behind me

[jay-catsby]

birthday tomorrow time to put on a mid-college playlist and lose my fucking mind for a sec

[sa-raison-detre-blog]

2023

In preparation for a Vision Party, we were asked to pick where and who to be 5 years from now. The guiding questions steered us in the direction of physical environment, kinds of people in our life, what we do with our time, our work environment, our accomplishments, our contributions to the world. I’ve approached the upcoming Vision Party with lots of apprehension and fear of failure/ not going “all-in”. I have a tendency to launch myself into things to “get the most out of it”. It’s really not the most sustainable approach, as bold and brave as it can seem. Since exploring these questions, I now find myself immensely excited to parade around as my 2023 self who, by the way, is SUCH A BADASS. The thing that surprised me was how true it feels, this image of this bold and deeply satisfied and whole person.

In my ideal future, I don't care where I am, as long as I am doing what I love, and surrounded by people who feed me, challenge me, grow me, love me, see me, and walk with me through life's big and little moments. As long as where I am is full of community, like-minded people, culture and creativity, and good food/lifestyle services, I will flourish. 

I am connected to my brother and mother and talk to them often. I am independent. I am bold. I am comfortable in my own skin. I am deeply devoted, yet boundaried with dependable armor at the ready. I am whole, fully embracing all that I am. All that I can be in this world, and encouraging others to do the same. I see myself creating unapologetically. And supporting others in owning their own greatness, their own creative warriors within. Breaking them free, and fighting with their art. Fighting for the right to be here. In all that they are. Deserving everything. Creating a more open, wholesome, healthy, beautiful world. 

What I love about where I live is the people. They come from all walks of life, each a different expression of life. Stories, hardship, passion, blind faith, vision for the world. Good hearts. Clear minds. Old souls. Each a teacher, a fellow light-bringer. Together we balance out the darkness and continue to feed the light of the world. Yet there is room for the darkness. It's about balance. I am both mentor and mentee. I love all of the young people I get to work with, and feel better know that we are giving them resources, alternative futures. I look up to several members in my community whom I often receive life lessons and advice on. Or who embody a certain aspect fully that I wish to cultivate in myself. Whether it's stability, discipline, generosity, efficiency, professionalism, social justice advocacy, shaker of worlds, etc. I feel honored to be part of a community of movers and shakers that actively fight for justice and safety and freedom in this world. 

I also feel connected to the land, the water, the trees here. The animals that inhabit the trees and underbrush. I like the wind. And the lightning storms. They breathe and shock me back to life, ecstasy. There are plenty of museums, and parks, and spas, and stars. Really good food. Plenty of travelers to meet and connect with. 

My work is largely for myself (or at least started this way), yet serves the greater good. I work with young adults in a creative and encouraging manner. I also work with women of all ages and backgrounds. My work environment encourages community well-being, personal development, reclaiming of self and other, pushing the edge within ourselves and the community. We bring creative self-awareness to young adults who are traversing the transition between adolescence and young adulthood, young adulthood, and adulthood. I would like to have the program expand to include adulthood into elderhood. I have a deep respect for those that have walked their paths into elderhood. The stories, the ways of being, knowing, valuing what is most important, not sweating the small stuff in life, yet savoring them. Community absolutely includes life in all its stages. I still really love the seemingly out of the box concept of combining a day-care with a retirement home. I want to incorporate more of that holistic life approach to our work.

I run a non-profit organization that creates work inviting experiencees to reflect, question themselves and or their reality, step outside the mold, be with something hard to be with, connect with a stranger, return to their humanity, just be exactly who and where they are. A pause in time, a truth, a stepping stone. I create spaces that opens one up, leaving them feeling more choiced, more possible, more. And maybe more enough. Immersive artful experience. Immersive artistic experience. The Vowel Box: AEIOUYW. Artistic Experiential Immersion Of Us You We. I'm still trying to come up with a name. For now it's just the ICE Box. ICE stands for Immersive Creative Experience. Maybe I'll keep it. 

We're a small team of creative community youth leaders that believe in this mission to heal the creative wounds of those to follow, to arm them with inner resources and community support. We lead quarterly weekend retreats for bonding and spiritual development. We're really open in what that means/ can look like. It's part of the creative healing, is reclaiming spirituality at a younger age - before the mid-life crises or rock bottom if possible. We are very service based and do a lot of creative service projects for the community. Whether it's a messy paint day with the kiddos, or music and creative projects with the elders. We make sure our kids are up to date on social justice movements, global events, and encourage them to use ICE Box to process and support what's going on in the world. I'm insanely proud of what we do, and it heals me, and I hope it heals others too.

Non-profits are not really financial investments. I do private coaching on the side, as well as art of my own. Sometimes I do installations like at ICE Box but at galleries or for events. I've been invited to speak on a few occasions, but I always decline. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's my own expectation of things needing to be presented neatly and completely. I suppose research and learning is never complete. I'm happy with everything I am already doing though. Public speaking would probably be a good additional source of income. Anyways, most of the money goes right back into the program. We are really blessed to have investors that believe in what we are doing. It's often through them that I get my personal creative gigs. It's a beautiful community expression. Overall, I live comfortably. Maybe I'm not making as much as I would have if I had become an optometrist, but that's irrelevant. I live well and enjoy my financial independence, and knowing that I can make it work and take care of myself. I once had this deep question that always lurked in the shadows, "Who will take care of me?" It feels so good to have an answer, especially one that instills a quiet pride and surety in myself. 

I identify as an artist, and was told my whole life that it could never be a viable path. My mother matter-of-factly informed me that she would disown me if I studied art in college. I ended up whittling away my undergrad years exploring and half-assing a liberal arts degree of unrecognizable form. I really wanted to go to art school. I've learned over the years that an artist is not a what, though. It's a who. It's a how. It's a way of life, not just a job that hopefully generates income. So much more than that. Really a lifestyle. Yes, I create beautiful experiences for myself and others, but I do so much more than that. I am also a teacher, a social activist, a community builder, a coach, a project manager, a very good delegater. I've always been someone who could never do one thing forever, so I think the current set-up fits me perfectly.  I can see myself doing this for many years to come. If I get bored, I'll just create more ICE Boxes. Or maybe I'll shift careers completely. Who knows? I'm really open and grateful to whatever comes my way. Whatever comes, I know I'll show up, work hard, say thank you, and keep asking questions, pushing the edge, playing.

It's been a journey to learn what self-care really means and looks like. Now, I find that I am more than happy and always very grateful to dedicate time to my mind, my body, my finances, my future, my relationships, my home, my projects. My body has always been really sensitive. I never really respected that growing up/ wasn't taught to. Quite the opposite in fact. It feels like such a gift now to be in collaboration with my body, rather than working against it. The question is always, what is the best thing? How can we build us up? Feed us forward? I drink lots of tea, eat a rainbow diet, swim each morning, take walks frequently, sleep early, meditate daily, wear what I want, move the way that feels good, sing when I feel like, cry and shout when I need to. It's a full time job, actually. But ever so rewarding. 

Whenever I need a reset, I go to this lovely artists's silent retreat and just let myself melt into being nothingness. Sometimes that looks like being raw emotion. Sometimes that means being part of nature. Sometimes that means writing or painting for days and days. It varies each time. I always return recentered in a deep way, with clarity for the future. And if not clarity, then lots and lots of faith. Faith is like the see through substance that fills in the gaps. 

Every year I make sure to travel somewhere new. I still want to do an extended trip in China to learn more about my heritage and such. Travel really wakes me up and stretches me. I love it. I love stepping into a completely new place and just feeling that anticipation, the possibility, the unknown, the mystery, the magic. I always come back with another piece of home. It would be really cool to make ICE Box a more global experience. With technology these days, anything is possible.