#for all that's worth you guys should be military commanders for your bravery

[clarissaweasley-10]

Sophie : What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??

Keefe: What the hell do you do?

Sophie : I die? What kinda question...

[yourfriendlysummoner]

Analyses of Inspector Thauvin chapter 1: Harsh Glances, Proof of Worth

Noxus. A mighty and fearsome expanding Empire that is never satisfied of its hunger for more power and lands. This desire can be extinguished by the great Trifarian Legion, an unstoppable and dedicated army that spreads rampage on its path.

But, like every regime, Noxus has its weaknesses. There are threats from the inside that can ruin everything in a heartbeat with any tragic mistake the Grand General can make. And because he has foreseen it – like everything after all – he has taken his very drastic measures to combat the possible treason from faces that wear invisible masks…

~~~

“It’s him, step aside!” One of the guards whispered nervously to his companion to the sight of the new superweapon Swain hired for his mysterious plans and military success.

The soldiers stared with faces that betrayed their fear for the unknown, their teeth were almost showing in fear and instinct to put the tail between the legs.

A quiet, almost unnoticed scoff could be heard. It couldn’t remain hidden. It shouldn’t. They are Noxian soldiers that have seen so many battlefields that something like that shouldn’t bother their eyes so much…

“G- Grand General! Your weapon is here…”

“Excellent. Bring him in.”

“Move it!” The guard yelled with the most nervous voice he had ever heard, as he shoved his axe threateningly at his direction. The uniquely for the Noxian standards armed man tried to hold his mocking smile. The bloke was too desperate to show his rank superiority, and it was something utterly futile.

He held his smile for the very special moment of standing in front of the Grand General himself, in his own noble mansion.

“You must be Inspector Beau Thauvin.” Swain sounded very sophisticated as he asked.

“In flesh and bone, your weapon is here. At your mighty will, Grand General.” Inspector Thauvin is rarely the one that will talk big and fanfaring  words, its other people that will usually flatter him unnecessarily. But, this time he decided to allow a change.

“I cannot hide my enthusiasm that you honour us with your services, Inspector.” Indeed, Swain’s boring, merry impatience couldn’t hide deep behind his aged and refined facial features.

“I can see it…” Thauvin didn’t hesitate to intensify his remarkable unimpression in his aristocratic leader face. Risky, but that’s him, either you like it or not.

Swain shook his head and raised his brows in neutral shock the Inspector’s behaviour caused, but soon his expression changed dramatically to being more interested. He stroked his chin with a stoic face. “You have the privilege to determine when do you wish to start your work, since it is you–”

“Right now.” The robotic determination of his clear and silvery voice cut Swain’s easiness in pieces, along with his intendedly causal phrase.

Don’t try to be at ease with me, General!…

Jericho’s breathe was cut and hitched to the sharp suggestion, if you want, that the man voiced. He froze for several second clusters, but it was enough to get noticed by the sly agent’s eye.

He cleared his throat. “Very well,” He drowned his uneasiness. “You have to know, however, that my bidding is never built on a silky, straight road, Inspector…”

“If this really was a threat, m’ Lord, then I’m deeply sorry, because, for your information, I never apply for a task that is easy. I don’t play the dolls, and I seek to be effective to the common cause I eventually share with my employer.” His eyes were shining threatening bravery and fatal truth. His arms audaciously folded close to his chest, after his rudely bold words towards the very first man of Noxus…

Well, this wasn’t really wise of him to do. But he knows. He never lets uncalculated actions pass, and knowing his necessity and utility to Noxus, Swain would never had the guts to risk the Inspector’s safety for his pride.

“Whatever, Thauvin…” His sharp tone indicated his very restrained attempt to hide his lost patience. “Shall we move to the main reason you are here then?” Thauvin laughed so hard in his head with how hurt Swains good intention to be polite was, but outside he looked stern and imperious to the simplest and humblest way.

“That’s why I’m here, Grand General. Move on, then.”

Swain calmed his tension down with a deep breath before moving on to explaining his first mission as an agent of Noxus.

“Since you have lived by us for quite a while, you have probably heard of or seen with your eyes the occupied by deviant protesters north-eastern suburban territory.” Swain explained.

“Have heard of it.”

“It’s a pain in the arse the recent weeks!” Swain’s voice cracked with laughter. “Counsellor Darius’ Trifarian Legion is off to occupation missions, and my capital patrols are pretty inefficient against the savage brutes.” Noble opponents of the Trifarix are a bit more easily controlled in the Empire than openly protesting savage brutes.

“I understand.” That is all he had to say.

“Don’t you have anything to add?”

“Not really. Can I have some of your inefficient patrols?”

Swain raised an eyebrow.

~~~

“What is the plan, Inspector?” The patrol’s commander asked. These soldiers where more civilized than the guards of Swain’s mansion. Beau liked that.

He didn’t answer him immediately. He had to first spectate the situation by himself. That was exactly what he expected: an angered handful of folks gathered in a group, united like a fist and overly concentrated to their pitiful riot.

“Inspector?…” The soldier repeated, this time seemingly hesitating to do so, but impatient for an answer as well. Weak minds…

“The plan is the following: you go and trap them into a circle made of your unit’s men.”

“B- but, Inspector? Our unit can easily be decimated by these angry people! I- I mean, these treacherous dogs!!” His voice was so nervous in fear of having sounded more compassionate than he should be, he almost bit his tongue. Thauvin really has his time in that city, very fun idiots to work with. A shame he can’t show it, sacrificing his urge to laugh on their faces to professionalism.

“You didn’t let me finish.” The rudeness in his phrase didn’t drown in his sternness’ deep bottom. Instead, it floated on its surface, seemingly shaming the commander.

Beau broke the silence again, with his more defined explanations of his plan. “Your circle is going to both trap them and bamboozle them. Here I have a paralyzing detonator that will make them have some sweet dreams for a good while, allowing us to disarm them and send them to the justice they deserve without killing them. This is for the Grand General to decide. They are simple citizens after all. But: be careful not to stand too close to the area the detonator will affect, otherwise you’ll get electrocuted as well. Five feet are a good distance to keep from my target. Was I well understood?”

He always uses his charisma in leadership in his tone, combining it with his influencing and confident body language, while at the same time being extremely simple and direct, so he is easily understood. Perfect, as he always aims to achieve by practicing his profession.

And as he predicted, everyone said no more. A positive nod was enough to pass into action.

However, predictions always have their holes…

“I don’t think it will work.” A young man, at least in his early twenties, voiced with pure audacity and steadiness in his voice.

Thauvin looked at him with serious, half – closed eyes of caustic humiliation.

Silence. Many of the soldiers turned to each other with confusion and a chilling but suppressed fear.

“And who are you to determine it, o genius from nowhere?” He asked, faking suspicion in his tone.

“I’m Tommy Brant, sir! Co – commander of the Capital Patrol!” The boy stood straight with too much pride filling his lungs…

“Interesting… And how someone as young as you gained such a high rank in this armed force?”

“I—”

“He has just returned from the Tokogol fort, sir, one of the best soldiers that got this promotion as a reward!” A woman answered nervously instead of Brant. Her name was Myriam Cole, Captain of the Patrol.

“Hmm… Weird reward. Oh, and I was asking him not you.” His harsh glance made her look down to her feet in shame.

“Yes, sir…”

“What was I saying? Oh, yeah. You shouldn’t question me, Co – commander Brant. And you really can’t, since Commander Achim here takes my orders today.”

The young soldier prepared himself to talk back, but Thauvin’s collected voice was faster than his.

“With my signal! Ready!…”

The anticipation and worry about failure had filled their hearts. This was probably the riskiest strategy they had ever faced in their lives. Some even though that the Grand General was very desperate to hire such a mad guy to lead them, but obviously kept them for themselves, a thought that should never be revealed for their sake…

Nevertheless, they tried their best to have bodies and minds alarmed for the signal and therefore the action.

Foreheads wet in sweat, breathes hitched, weapons grasped in fists…

But most importantly…

“Go!”

And the mission started. The soldiers ran as fast as possible, choosing paths behind buildings to go unnoticed by the crowd in the square of the north–eastern suburbs.

Thauvin used his long-range binoculars to spectate. He let a small, crooked smirk on his lips, in approval of their clever action. At this rate, no one would get fatally hurt. They weren’t that stupid then…

Enough about the police though. He had to think about his own part as well. The easy stuff. He used his Hextech jet boots to reach the target faster. He jumped on a balcony with the boost of his jets, so he could have a better view of the situation.

He reactivated his binoculars, this time on sniper mode. With the help of his precise rifle, designed by himself to be foolproof like a preying vulture, he would shoot his detonator at the protesters.

Meanwhile, down there the nervous Patrol Unit soldiers were ponting their axes and swords at the people they had trapped – that seemed to be the case. The angry citizens yelled at them, cursed Noxus, demanded more rights and freedom, threatened to attack them and even spat on their faces.

Brant wiped spit from his eye and yelled for order nervously. Some others, more brutal and experienced went farther than just a harmless threat, even on unarmed protesters.

“I should make this quick or it will turn to be a tragedy. I won’t tolerate  making a bad name of myself…” Beau’s voice sounded quite at ease, despite the pressuring time that threatened his plan tremendously…

He just stood there, placing his feet steadily on the narrow surface of the balcony’s railing, and aimed with concentration at the rioters…

Steady….

The situation was about to worsen at the square. Someone could be heard warning that he’d light a fire to burn the statue of some forgotten warlord very few speak of nowadays. This wasn’t good, Thauvin thought. He had to act quickly, so that he wouldn’t lose his unit to a bunch of random people that disliked their country…

His earpiece was unfortunately connected to the commanders, to be able to have control of the situation in all the possible senses. “What takes you so long, Inspector!?!”

“Shut the hell up and let me concentrate, do your job, Commander!”

“Whatever, be quick, they are trying to-“

“Much better.” He smiled at himself for deactivating the earpiece and turned to his target with the greatest focus possible. Let’s end this quick…

It all depended on a press of his trigger, lucky for them, it had to be his.

One last deep breath and the missile went to find its target on the ground. The force that was created by the shot threw Thauvin inside the balcony, causing him to reflexively backflip and accidentally break the window with his heavy equipment.

He swore under his breath as he shook his head to ease the bodily shock. As he turned his head to witness the damage he caused, he faced a scared woman in her nightdress and facemask.  

“M’ lady? Don’t worry about this mess, I’m paying for it. Oh, almost forgot this.” He pressed a button on his modified ATLAS glove and a bright blue light could be seen from the square, accompanied by a considerably loud noise.

He smirked. “Finally, I started getting bored of this.”

“H- he… Actually did this…” The Commander said in his relieved breath, and almost passed out of shock.

The other soldiers cheered and thanked the gods for surviving this craze. But the three in command still quietly questioned Thauvin’s method, even after observing the paralysing detonator electrocute the protesters that fainted right away in front of their eyes.

However, some reckless and ignorant soldiers were affected as well, as a result of not keeping the right distance like the Inspector warned… “His crazy plans will kill us all! Imagine going on the first mission with someone so popular of his kind and getting blasted men in the process!” Commander Achim exclaimed at Cole and Brant.

“I honestly don’t understand what the Grand General had in his mind when he hired that madman…” Brant touched his chin. His gaze on the ground betrayed his insecurities.

“Whatever he is up to, we must

“Whatever he is up to, we must remain quiet. Any reckless move and we lose our power. Both of you, remember that you are not on top of this anymore.” Cole’s voice sounded sharp and plain, indicating that she was completely serious and plain, indicating that she was very serious.

The two men nodded with clear dysphoria, but as much as they hated to admit it, she was right…

~~~

Swain was more than pleased to observe on his balcony all of the protester’s hands bound with cuffs behind their backs and lead in a line to jail by the Patrol Unit. He lowered his telescope and smiled at Thauvin that stood at attention behind him. “Congratulations, Inspector!

“You promised difficulty.” He faked serious disappointment to bluff, once again interrupting his sentence.

The Grand General almost held his breath. Then a sigh followed. “Not your level, I suppose…” His husky voice was quiet. “Never mind, you won’t get away with so relaxing missions, I assure you… Dismissed…”

Thauvin nodded and left his quarters with his hands clasped behind his back. He surely expected something actually difficult, but kept that day’s event in the back of his head nonetheless…

[i-heart-danchou]

Whisper

This is a slightly late fic for eruriweek day 5, Rumors!  My confidence in my writing is shit at the moment but I tried my best. -- “Disgusting.”  The words didn’t really hurt him anymore.  At this point, Erwin was used to them.  “What an unsettling little boy— he didn’t even cry at his father’s funeral, you know.  I can’t stand this, how did we end up with him??  No one else wants him!” “I’m not surprised.”  A shrill voice responded.  “The way he smiles even.. it’s unsettling, the boy is clearly touched.” “I heard his mother died under mysterious circumstances too, you know?  The whole family is cursed.”  She took a long drag of her cigarette.  “I bet he killed them.  A child who killed his own parents, can you believe it?”  

This was the third house he had been passed to, some very distant cousins who Erwin had never met before.  The man of the house beat him, but Erwin never cried.  He’d receive a blow that sent him to his knees, and all he could muster in response was an inquisitive glare through his cold blue eyes.  The man found him deeply disturbing and showed him the back of his hand.

He was used to these whispers; they followed him wherever he went.  When he was younger it was about how pretty he was, how perhaps his mother had had an affair, how odd it was for a boy of his standing to bury his nose in books.  

Now… now the rumors held a grain of truth.  Erwin Smith had murdered his father, and no one wanted him or loved him.  

He bided his time until he was old enough, and he joined the military as soon as he could.

**

“It’s fucking unbelievable!  I heard he cheats on tests you know.”  A girl in his class hissed under her breath.  “No one is that smart.  No one.  What a fucking prick, cheating his way to the top.  I bet he just wants a cushy MP job while the rest of us work like dogs.”

“Makes me sick.”  Her boyfriend agreed, squeezing her shoulders and pulling her close.  “I bet he’s sucking dicks on the side too, getting in good with the brass.  Making the rest of us look bad, you know? Course he’s gonna end up top ten.”

“Erwin fucking Smith.”  The girl crossed her arms and let out a long breath.  “He’s so weird, too.  What kinda guy his age talks about his parents this much?  Grow up, shit.”  

He ignored them.  They were wrong, they didn’t matter, and he was confident enough in himself not to adjust how he acted based on what other people thought or assumed.  Still, success largely depended on getting people to like you.  Erwin did his best to flirt and smile, to use his handsome face as a weapon to disarm naysayers.  

He was smart enough that he could somewhat manipulate people into liking him, into trusting him… it wasn’t long before that girl was eating her words, quivering a little when he allowed his gaze to pass over her.  

It might have been enthralling, if he could be bothered to care about her.  The world was so much bigger than what people thought of him.  

**

“He slept with Nile’s girlfriend.  He could have any woman he wants, and he fucked Marie!  What a dog!”

“Can you blame her?  He’s the prettiest guy in the cadet corps!  I’d fuck him.  I think everyone in the girl’s barracks would probably fuck him.  Ugh he’s so tasty, it’s not fair for him to be so attractive!”

“Still!  Nile’s his friend, you think he’d know better… or at least have some damn principles.”  

Erwin wondered if they even knew he could hear them.  It was a crowded bar, he supposed, it. might not have been that obvious that he was in attendance but… His whole life he had been hearing little whispers about himself, and it always astonished him how blind and callous people could be about regurgitating their cruelty like this.  

It wouldn’t have mattered, except that Nile was with him as well.  He watched his friend’s shoulders sink, his ears turn red, and his fists turn into tight little balls.

“It’s not true, Nile.”  Erwin assured him.  “I haven’t seen Marie socially even once since you started going out with her.”

“I know that!”  His friend hissed.  “Marie would never— shit, I should go give those fuckers a piece of my mind.”  

“Don’t bother.”  Erwin said with a smile, sliding him a beer.  “It’s not worth it.”

**

“Dammit!”  Levi was straining with his whole body, trying to get away from the three men who are holding him back.  “Let go of me!  I’ll fucking kill them!”

Three other SC members were lying at Levi’s feet, bloody and cowering, trying desperately to scramble away from his ferocious kicks even now.  

Someone ran to get Erwin, and he took in the scene with one eyebrow raised slightly.  “Levi?  What’s the matter?”

“Those— these absolute fucking pieces of shit!  They—!”  Levi glanced at Erwin and immediately stopped struggling.  There was a war waging in his mind, and he shook himself free from the firm grips of his colleagues.  

“Let’s talk in my office, Levi.”  Erwin suggested, and Levi followed him closely, ignoring the mystified stares of the people who had witnessed his outburst.  

“What happened?”  Erwin asked patiently, offering Levi a seat across from his desk.

“They… they’re fucking idiots, Erwin.  They were saying all this shit about you— that you’re gonna assassinate Shadis, that you’re a dangerous upstart, that all you care about is your own stupid power.”  Levi’s jaw was tight, and he seemed to be biting at the words as they left his lips.  The whole thing seemed terribly offensive to him.  “So I fucking shut them up.  Not gonna listen to that shit.”

Erwin smiled warmly, and Levi’s irritation seemed to spike anew.  

“Oi!  Get that shitty look off your face.  The fuck’s wrong with you?”

“Well, Levi, I’ve��” He tried to think of how to say it.  “I’ve never had someone defend my honor like that before.  I’m quite pleased, actually.”

Levi didn’t seem to know how to respond to that.  “Tch.”  He said eventually. “They don’t know you.  They don’t know how hard you work, or how smart you are.  They don’t know that you’re gonna save humanity in the end.  Shadis is an idiot.  You should be commander and everyone knows it.”

Erwin’s smile was so deep, broad and real that it felt out of place on his face.  “I just need to wait my turn.  Levi, as much as I appreciate the sentiment, I would prefer it if you didn’t get into fights with the other troops, not over something like this.  Let them think what they want, let them say what they want.  It doesn’t matter.  Rumors and gossip are only as important as you allow them to be, I think.  Let them talk, Levi.  The world is so much bigger than what strangers think.”

Levi just watched him with those sharp, grey eyes, and Erwin wondered what exactly Levi thought of him.  

**

“He’s a monster.  No soul at all, he’s not even human.  He throws life away like it doesn’t even matter.”

“He’s a demon.”

“A devil.”

“He’ll drag everyone he cares about down to hell and never think twice.”

Levi stood close to Erwin like he always did, and shot nasty glares at anyone who dared speak out against the commander.  As he’d risen to power, as the fate of their horrible world became more and more uncertain, the rumors followed him and swirled around him like a miasma.  

It was hard, after all these years, to ignore what people said about him.  

“He lost an arm?  After all those people he’s killed?  That bastard, probably sold his soul to survive a little longer.”

“Not human.  No human acts like that.”

After the military coup, Erwin had taken some time to reflect on his true motivations… whether he was noble, selfish, or demonic.  Zackly’s words kept playing in his mind, and despite his best intentions to the contrary, the little shield he’d built around his heart was starting to weaken.

There was only so much one man could take.

“He doesn’t even mourn his friends.  Mike and Nanaba… with him for years and he…”

“Levi is brainwashed, clearly being manipulated by that megalomaniac.  Their relationship is abusive, Erwin probably beats him behind closed doors and poor Levi doesn’t know any better but to lick his fucking boots.”

“He deserves to suffer.”

**

On an intellectual level, Erwin knew that his poor mood and sense of self were secondary to a lifetime of struggling and cruelty.  It didn’t make it any easier to bear when the pervasive thoughts assaulted him each and every day.

‘His friends are dead and it’s his fault’

‘He’s incapable of love.’

‘He got his own father killed.’

“Erwin?”

‘No one respects him.  Levi will turn on him.’

‘His life and death will be meaningless.’

‘Selfish.  Selfish.  All this horror and death because of his stupid, childish dreams.’

“Erwin.”

‘Monster.  Demon.  Not even human.’

‘He’ll rot in hell and the people will rejoice.’

‘He’ll doom us all.  No one will remember him as anything but a devil.’

“Erwin!”  Levi was curled up against him, poking him in the neck.  

“Yes Levi?”

“You’ve got that shitty look on your face again.”  Levi looked worn, worried.  He looked sad.  “Whatever bullshit you’ve got stewing around in that head of yours, stop it.  Words are only as important as you allow them to be.”

Erwin kissed the top of his head and shut his eyes.  He was annoyed with himself for making it so obvious that he was struggling.  He didn’t have time for any slip ups.  

“You’re a good man, Erwin.”  Levi muttered. “The best man I know.  You deserve better than this.  Please.”

Erwin swallowed.  “Please what, Levi?”

“Hear me.”

**

“He lead the charge against the beast titan you know.  Against impossible odds, he still came up with the plot to lead to humanity’s victory.”

“What a man!  What bravery!  How selfless in his last moments, he saved us, he saved us all!”

“He was right about everything.  We should never have doubted him.”

“…That Levi, though, did you hear?  He betrayed the commander in the last moments!”

“A monster.  A monster.  Poor Erwin.  How will we survive without him?”

Levi had never been a talkative man, and he kept his hands at his sides as the whispers came down around him.  

“He was a good man, a brave man, a brilliant, beautiful man.  We are poorer for having lost him.”

“A hero.  The hope of mankind snuffed out so young.”

It was nice, though, to hear Erwin be lauded at last… even if he wasn’t there to see it.

“We didn’t deserve him.”

Levi clenched his jaw and kept his eyes forward.  ‘No one deserved him.’

[skaylanphear]

Can you tell us about your OCs? I'm really interested. Who's your favorite out of them?

breecandraw said: Ocs? I would like to learn about some cool ocs!!!! Plz share?

The OCs I’m working with right now are the ones from my fantasy novel, Dragon Seer. 

Nadraya: The protagonist is a princess named Nadraya. She’s always had visions, but because magic is so stigmatized in the desert kingdom of Casasis, discovering what these visions mean has never really been a possibility. That, and the fact that she and her two sisters–Amirya and Ventya–are completely isolated from the rest of the world contributes to her ignorance. There’s a plague that’s been ravaging the borders of her kingdom for generations. After the empress contracted it and died, their father forbade them having any physical contact with the common folk. But tragedy strikes nonetheless and Nadraya, faced with a future she doesn’t want to accept, makes the decision to run away, searching for a cure. She joins up with a band of rag-tag mercenaries with the same intents and so they leave her kingdom and encounter all sorts of mysterious dangers along the way–races of people that had once thought to be banished, undead brought to life anew (Deathborne), dragons, and an impending threat that could change the future for all the peoples of Vraed. 

She’s about 24 years old with a sharp wit and a developing bravery for facing the unknown. She’s a bit insecure about the fact that she thinks she contributes very little to the quest and is more of a burden, and reacts rather defensively when others try to boss her around. Sometimes she lets her self-righteousness get the best of her, leading her to take actions that offend or upset her comrades because she thinks she’s doing what’s best.

She’s got long, wavy black hair that is usually held up in a bun, and tanned, darker skin trademark of those born in the desert. Brown eyes too, if anyone cares. She’s got some curves, but their quest and all the physical activity involved quickly wears those away, as they’re starving a good chunk of the time, lol. 

Vaun: Prince of Zrao, the country north of Casasis across the Siants River. He’s a thoughtful young man with good manners coming to Casasis for “diplomatic reasons”–because Emperor Devrah, Nadraya’s father, hopes to marry her off to him and send her north to eventually become queen of Zrao. Which Nadraya knows very well and has no interest in, but Vaun’s pleasant personality wins her over anyway and the two become fast friends. He’s got a charming, teasing type of humor, which sometimes leads him into saying things he shouldn’t. But he’s well-intentioned and fond of Nadraya despite the expectations of their meeting. He’s one of the first to willingly open up to her about the world and all the things she doesn’t know. Black hair, blue eyes, pale skin.  

Erof: The number one sword for hire that the people go to when there’s a beast in need of taking care of from the deep sands. He’s pretty well known in the city for both his beast hunting skills and his common sense wisdom. Even those considerably older than him give him an ear where advice is concerned. He’s one of three that Nadraya would eavesdrop on during her illegal ventures out into the city (she disguised herself), a pastime that Erof becomes quickly aware of. He’s the most down to earth of the group, facing both people and circumstances with an open mind. He does tend to be distant, despite his friendliness. Suffers from chronic insomnia. He’s a wiry, muscular sort with blue eyes, platinum blond hair, and pale skin to match (sunburns very, very quickly, so he wears a cloak a good chunk of the time). Add in his foreign black leathers and he stands out considerably in the desert landscape, at least compared to the locals. 

Anier: Erof’s best friend. He’s a teasing, joking, fun-poking type that gets considerable glee out of prodding at others with his words. As a result, Erof ends up scolding him quite a bit–not that it makes much difference. He goes with Erof on a lot of his hunts, but isn’t nearly as well-looked on by the locals. Underneath his bravado, however, he’s pragmatic and will generally warm up to people once they prove their worth. His pragmatism leads him to be very careful. He’s the type that would prefer to avoid danger whenever possible, and is oftentimes the voice of caution for the group, pointing out the potential ill-consequences of their actions and lamenting the dangers they’re always facing. Despite this, he doesn’t shy away from confrontation and is happy to call out others’ behavior when he feels it’s uncalled for. He’s a tall, skinny guy with long, black hair and russet skin. 

Fratalie: The last of the hunting trio. Tall for a woman and built like a brick house, she stands just as sturdy in person as she does for her beliefs. Though she does not conform to the gender norms of her society, she does avidly believe in the teachings of the God King and isn’t shy about calling out heretics. She’s a bulldog and will force her way into getting what she wants, both in conversation and with her sword. But much like Nadraya, she’s seen very little of the world and so is ignorant of a great many things. Her bullheaded behavior and self-righteous beliefs tend to rub those of a different mind the wrong way, thus she and Anier bicker constantly. But even so, she is a loyal companion and determined in the face of things that would send most others turning tail. Short, auburn hair. Bronze, tanned skin with vague freckles. Brown eyes. 

Siateve: A Knight of the First Order. The Congress of Knights are supposed to be the servants of the God King directly, and so align themselves with him first and serve their assigned sovereign second. Having no loyalties to any kingdom, knights are dispatched to each kingdom equally to serve, but also to maintain peace. Their ranks have suffered in reputation in recent generations, however, the title of knight earning little respect as they’re seen as lazy crooks that abuse their power by a majority of the people. Despite this, Siateve is proud of his service and tries his best to live his life by the knight’s code. Though he is meant to have no loyalties, he was born in Casasis and was also assigned to serve there. He has little respect for rule-breakers, no matter their intentions, and no qualms with voicing his opinions about such. The teachings of the God King are secondary to what he views as the proper way to conduct oneself. They are a common sense backdrop to his stern, unyielding lifestyle. Despite this, he does have a softer side that makes him prone to sympathy for others even when his code would deem them unworthy. While the teachings say one thing, he is more likely to make the final judgement of a person based on their character and actions, less so on what the rest of the world thinks of them. He’s determined to get Nadraya home after she runs away (he kind of views it as his own fault) and so ends up dragged along on their quest despite constant objections. He’s young–the youngest of the group (maybe 21?) with a tall, broad form, short brown hair, and a light dusting of facial hair. Darker, bronzed skin much like the other desert natives. 

Chaswyn: An incompetent wizard that gets forced along on their quest. Timid and generally one to avoid confrontation, Chaswyn ended up with the group because his mentor forced him. He’s a Lreesadian civilian–Lreesadia being the country our party is headed to–and so he will make it easier for them to get inside the capital city because of his good family name. As far as magical ability, however, his worth is lacking. He’s never had much success in casting any spells, though he can sense magic and its aftereffects. He’s also very knowledgable about magic and other lesser known things and so proves his usefulness to the group in that respect. He’s a scholarly, bookish type, who relies more on his knowledge than superstition or religious beliefs. He’s curious and thoughtful, though shy and initially quite intimidated by the rest of the group. Skinny and always swathed in mage’s robes. Dark, umber skin, dark eyes, long hair that he keeps in dreadlocks and tied low down his back. The lower half of his hair is dyed white. 

Iera: Forest Elf with a chip on his shoulder. Initially helps the group of travelers out of obligation, as it goes against elf practice to allow life to be wastefully spent. He has no respect for humans, however, and has no problems voicing such things–much to the irritation of a few in the group. There’s a bitterness about him as well that makes him standoffish from the start. But he does feel companionship for the group and is more than willing to put himself in harm’s way for their sake. He’s rather long-winded when he wants to be, much to Siateve’s annoyance. Where Siateve believes that all things should be done the right way, Iera is more of the opinion that the ends justify the means, and so the two butt head all the time despite actually having a lot in common. Wispy in form, yet rooted, Iera is skinny but strong, with wavy, copper hair flecked with gold. His skin is almost paper thin and pale, and his eyes are entirely black (sclera and all, like a barn owl). His ears are long and described as blade-shaped along the side of his head. 

Beatrice: Commander of the Lreesadian military. Strict in personality, she’s known as the best swordsman in Lreesadia, though some say that doesn’t say much as Lreesadia doesn’t have much of a military in the first place. Most of their guards and such are knights, the corruption of their ranks leading Beatrice to be very strict in her own practices as well as rather ruthless. Despite how she views the Lreesadian upperclass to be foolish, she is loyal to the crown and serves without question. She’s strong and steady, more fuller-figured, with dark, copper skin and hair that is layered in long, tightly-woven, golden braids. 

Gwenira (name subject to change–I haven’t finalized her character yet): Queen of Lreesadia, though her position is more of a formality as she has very little power and what power she does have is puppeted away from her by her court. As a result, she is quiet, demure, and very rarely possessing in opinions of her own. Nadraya’s forward thinking is, therefore, quite a shock to her, and she spends a good chunk of the time they’re together asking questions behind the backs of those who would rather keep her silent. She is unhappy with her situation, but knows not what to do about it. She’s oftentimes described as the most beautiful queen to ever grace Lreesadia’s throne, and even those from other kingdoms have been known to admire her beauty. She’s rather waif-like in appearance, adding to why some refer to her as “delicate” and “graceful.” Dark brown skin, dark eyes. She generally wears her hair in a tight afro that she pulls back with a headband–it kind of appears like a halo around her head as a result.            

That’s the main cast for the first book, anyway. Uh… I don’t really know what else to say, so if you want to know more, I guess just shoot me an ask?

EDIT: And who’s my favorite? Kinda tied between Siateve and Beatrice I guess, but I like them all, lol. 

[esseastri]

Megan Reads Oathbringer (part 10)

Hi, fronds.

I meant to keep going, I really did, but then That Thing happened and I was really upset and also a LOT of real life things happened, most good, but all busy, so. Bear with me. We’ll get through this monster eventually.

Part 10 encompasses pages 753-828 (previous parts)

I’m still super upset about the Rift, y’all. Like. Ultimate #yikes.

ANYWAY, MOVING ON

“That would give privacy to talk” Okay, but you are still in a public space with a bunch of other people, you maaayybe shouldn’t be, like...just using the king’s name casually like you’re besties?

Since this is supposed to be a stealth mission, isn’t it?

OKAY BUT ADOLIN JUST, UNPROMPTED OUT OF NO WHERE ASKING TO SEE KALADIN’S SWORD

SHALLAN PLS “It’s a little small” GURL PLS

“Kaladin liked them both...just not together.” I’m just waiting for someone to yell at them to get a room. Kaladin is the most likely candidate and I’m going to die laughing when it happens.

honestly, polyamory is the real solution here

Two Unmade.

which means we need two radiants to go fight them so Adolin WHEN ARE YOU MANIFESTING, MY BOY?

literally every time anyone mentions seeing a cremling--especially a weird-shaped cremling--I JUST GET REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. WHAT IF IT’S 200-CREMLINGS-IN-A-TRENCH-COAT???

“But Adolin had been raised by a mother with a fondness for hugs” I’M SCREAMING THIS IS FINE I’M FINE. HE MUST MISS HER SO MUCH. HELP

wait, but don’t we know for sure that shardblades can be stuff that’s not swords? Like, didn’t Syl turn into a spear at the end of WoR? So maybe the Radiants DID make other tools for their followers--maybe they did have shardhammers for building and shardbows for hunting and shardshovels for digging latrines, but after the Recreance, the spren died, so they lost the ability to change shape?

Worth thinking about, anyway.

“Thank you for being you, Adolin.” “Everyone else was taken already.” BUDDYYYY. I LOVE HIM. HE’S SO GOOD AND WONDERFUL AND AAHH

OOHH, Shallan gets SQUIRES??? Somehow I didn’t really think that the Lightweavers would be one of the orders that had squires.. they seem a solitary bunch.

Kaladin just...scooting down to sit next to the highmarshal without an invitation is. listen, he’s always been brave, but this is a different sort of bravery--doing something that might get you in trouble with social codes is different from running headlong across a not-set bridge into battle--and I know he’s done shit like this before, often, but not...not really in context of military superiors? I don’T KNOW THIS FEELS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT AND I’M EXCITED FOR HIM.

I find it ironic that the COVERED walkway from the Oathgate platform to the palace is called the SUNwalk, but that’s fine.

Kishi is a really good name, dangit brandon stop taking all the really good names

Azure’s sword is a her?

YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THAT, KALADIN!! “How did you get here?” “I flew.” YOU CAn’T JUST. KAL, PLS

I’m

loev

hem

“I’ve given answers. If they aren’t the ones you want, perhaps the questions aren’t very good.” HELLO, I LOVE THIS BOY VERY MJUCH I DON’T KNWO IF YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT ME

wait come here chasing her

OH JESUS FUCK SHE’S VIVENNA ISN’T SHE

She’s from Somewhere Else and she’s got a weird sword and her name’s a color and Vivenna was SUPPOSED to show up in this book GODDAMNIT THERE SHE IS

heheheheheh gosh that’s fun

...............pleasant.

I suppose it is the HEART of the revel, after all...

I really, really didn’t sign up for a horror novel, idk why this keeps happening SIGH

You know you’ve watched too many shitty action movies when the first thing you can think of when a guy gets thrown off the city wall isn’t “oh god he got THROWN off a WALL” and is, instead, “I bet tehy’d have used a Wilhelm Scream there heh”

Listen, Kaladin, I know you CAN fight without flying, but you are currently fighting flying enemies, and you should absolutely go have an aerial battle with them, please, I just want you to be in more cinematic, badass fights pls.

OKAY, BUT MAYBE LAUNCHING YOURSELF OUT A WINDOW AT THIS FUSED GUY ISN’T THE BEST? WAY TO HAVE THE AERIAL BATTLE?

okay, I asked for this, but I rescind my request, BE CAREFUL BABE, PLS.

YES THE HEART

GO FOR THE HEART

YES

Y E S

“my red life” yah, ok, that’s definitely Vivenna NICE

hnnnngggg, every time Kaladin summons the sylbade and, like, does the thing where he rests her on his shoulder all casual and intimidating I just melt, I’m so

he’s so

and so

hnnnnnnnngggggg

mrrrghhh, OF COURSE There’s a gang that steals the food from Shallan’s informants and KILLS THEM EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE KIDS, uggghhh. Should have known.

Continues the trend of Shallan not really knowing anything about how life on the streets work, huh?

OK this lady with vine patterns in her skin who’s Soulcasting for Azure? Actual Soulcaster suffering the effects to way too many years Soulcasting? OR........Radiant?

Honestly, I suspect literally everyone of being a radiant at this point.

pffffffffffffffffffffffttt HOID

of course.

but why did he help? Why is he helping? What’s his game?

“She hadn’t lived on the streets and she didn’t know how to help people.” NICE YOU TO FINALLY REALIZE.

“The only way to live without failure is to be of no use to anyone. Trust me, I’ve practiced.” COOL, NOW I’M SAD ABOUT HOID. Listen, I know his books are sooo far off, but the more things he says, the more I want to KNOW about him. Argh.

“Many people have suffered more, and they got along fine.” Oooohhh, Shallan, honey. No one ever taught you that the fact that other people have it worse does not negate your suffering.

Also, like. most people have not, in fact, had it worse than you, really. In the grand scheme of things, having to kill both your parents when they tried to kill you sucks a LOT, despite your privilege making the rest of everything better for you...

GOD BLESS ADOLIN KHOLIN, WHO, WHEN CONFRONTED WITH HIS FIANCEE IN PANTS, REACTS ONLY BY COMPLIMENTING HER COLOR COORDINATION AND RECOMMENDING HER COAT BE TAILORED A HAIR BETTER.

BLESS THIS GOLDEN SUNLIGHT BOY.

“You’ve been wanting an army to attack your palace, Your Majesty... well, we’re ready.”

YOU MIGHT BE READY, BUT I’M NOT

DO NOT JUST GO INVADE THE PALACE WITH AN ARMY

GOD, HOW MANY OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE

hi, Adolin talking to his sword still makes my heart swell, every time, he’s JUST SO GOOD AND PURE AND WONDERFUL

SUNSHINE BOY

HE PUT ON HIS UNIFORM

I’M

I lov hiiiiimm

it’s not Shallan that needs to drive this one back.

I’m still so enamored of this theory, I’m sticking with it even if it’s wrong, I don’t care. One Unmade per Radiant Order. It’s gotta be one of the boys this time. The Heart... Kaladin is nothing but heart, it’s gotta be the windrunner Unmade.

No one tell me I’m wrong, I will be SO DISAPPOINTED if it doesn’t go down this way.

OH SHIT

OOOHH SHIIIT

OOOHHHH SHIIIIIIIT

IT’S THE THING FROM THE COVER THE WHATSITCALLED THE ROCK MONSTER

OH SHIIIIIITTT WE ALL GON DIE

THUNDERCLAST, THAT’s the word phew glad I remembered

listen, Kaladin letting himself get smashed by a giant boulder just so he could Lash it away HURTS MY HEART

DON’T HURT KALADIN, 2K18

yuuuppppp it’s not a shardblade. Blergh, I didn’t finish Warbreaker, is there some wacky shenanigans with Vivenna’s sword? Does it pull the Breath from people or smthn? ...Do people on Roshar have Breath?

Adolin is SUCH ! A GOOD! COMMANDER!

.........I’m very glad that some of the palace guard aren’t evil, but. why did time move weird for them, apparently?

Is this the second Unmade? Is this one something to do with warping time??

I’m confuuuused.

oh

fuck

that’s

hot

GLOWING KALADIN WITH A TWELVE FOOT LONG SYLSPEAR, FLYING THROUGH THE THROWN-OPEN DOUBLE DOORS??? YEAH I’M F I N E, T H I S I S F I N E

nooo don’t split up

never split up

I don’t want this

Adolin giving Kaladin the Bridge Four salute. I’m cry.

oooooooooohh, Shallan summoned Pattern!! And she’s not panicking! I’m so proud of her ahh!!

Skar and Drehey just. continuing to save Adolin. Best bodyguards. Best friends. I love them so much.

mmmmmmmmmmm

I don’t

want this, this is intense this is A LOT

aaaaahhh fuck Kaladin’s wall squad came with. They are SO Going to Die, and I WI LL C RY

she’s singing? So... she’s... hm. What happened to the queen?

I STILL DON’T THINK SHALLAN CAN DEFEAT THIS UNMADE

ohnohecallshissonGav

I’m

ohnohecallshiswifeDearOne

I’m

Elhokar, please

you are so small, just. Be brave.

KALADIN, YOU MADE SYL KILL A SPREN??? I don’t care that it was an evil spren, that’s. You can’t.. Syl. Don’t make Syl kill her family, pls, I’m suffering.

oh no

what ancient spren, WHICH ONE, AESUDAN.

AND HOW

HOW DID YOU BIND VOIDSPREN TO PEOPLE

I’m assuming that’s what it is

I’M CONCERNED

Yelig-nar and Ashertmarn. 1. both of those are terrible star wars names, Brandon, you usually do better. 2. Are those BOTH Unmade? Or is Yelig-nar Aesudan’s...voidspren?

stormspren?

Ancient Parshendi Ancestor of Evil spren?

“I have taken the gemstone into me.” WELL, THAT’S A STEAMING PILE OF # Y I K E S

mmm yeah, no, she didn’t do it. Shallan didn’t defeat it, it retreated. Or was called away or something. We’re deeeefinitely going to have to deal with that again.

oh shit is this the other one?

this is the other one

Yelid-nar is Aseudan’s Parshendi Ancestor’s name. Sja-anat is the other Unmade.

I’m scared.

ON THE STAIRWELL? GoDDAMNIT THAT’S A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PLACE FOR A FIGHT

 no

n

o

don’t

make kaladin

kill his parshendi friends

please

oh fuck, Moash is with Kaladin’s parshendi friends, isn’t he?

damn, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS

yeah, no SHIT The heart fled. I TOLD you Shallan couldn’t defeat that one.

but why is THIS one helping her? OR IS SHE

WHAT IS HAPPENING

GOOD DON’T KILL EACH OTHER PLEASE.

oh Kaladin

“He’s always been able to trick himself into seeing a battle as us against them. Protect those you love. Kill everyone else. But...but they didn’t deserve death. None of them did.” HI THIS IS MY GHOST TYPING, I AM DEAD NOW. Kaladin has come so far, from scraping along, doing everything he could to breathe, let alone survive, and now--look at him. Look at him realizing that everyone, everyone is doing the same thing he is. They are all of them fighting to survive, they are all of them fighting to protect what they love.

Everyone is the hero of their own story, even if they are a villain to you.

God, this book is so literary, it’s so strong. Be better. Do better than those who have wronged you. See yourself in those around you, even your enemy, and do better. Take responsibility for who you are and what you do and who you fight.  God, THIS BOOK.

Also, Kaladin trying to stop the fighting, I’m crying.

THEY ARE ALL DYING. I TOLD YOU THEY WOULD AND I TOLD YOU I WOULD CRY AND HERE I AM. SOBBING.

noooo

no no nono

I’ don’t

want this

put it

back

I’m

Elhokar waS SO CLOSE OH M Y GOD HE

ONE MORE WORD OF THE IDEAL GOD DAMNIT

Moash

of course

he always wanted to kill the king

fuck

I knew this was coming because I got fucking spoiled but it still hurt like a punch to the gut

FUCK, HE KNEW KALADIN WAS THERE AND HE DID IT ANYWAY

god

f u ck

I’m

he knew. he saluted. he didn’t even pause.

DAMMNIT, MOASH, YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS.

god, Kaladin screamed, I’m

not okay

So much for Kholinar, god

“If we engage the device, we’ll be caught in a disaster.” AREN’T YOU ALREADY

...sapphire is windrunners, right? so why is the epitaph.........it’s a sapphire recording. A windrunner. “Am I not supposed to want to help people?” Does that mean...what is the Fourth Ideal of the Windrunners? The order of people who help people. Why...would their Fourth Ideal...not? be about helping people?

UGH, the radiant recordings make me SO NERVOUS ALL THE TIME.

1. I hate Taravangian. A Lot.

2. Here’s a thing: Navani spent a whole book and a half thinking her eldest child was dead, but holding out hope she was alive, and getting to have that vindication when Jasnah showed up. How...how long is she going to hold out hope that Elhokar somehow made it out alive only to have that shattered when the rest of them show up and he doesn’t?

ALSO FUN FACTS, DALINAR PROBABLY NOW THINKS ADOLIN, ELHOKAR, AND KALADIN--THREE OF HIS FOUR SONS--ARE DEAD, PROBABLY, SO THAT’S FINE, I’M FINE.

EVERYTHING’S FINE.

OH FUCK IT TOOK THEM TO SHADESMAR

WHY

OH MY GOD

WHERE’S JASNAH WHEN YOU NEED HER, SHE CAN NAVIGATE THIS SHIT

also !!!! PATTERN AND SYL AND ?????? ???? ?? ADOLIN’S?? SPREN????? PLEASE SAY IT’S ADOLIN’S SPREN. HIS BLADE. WHATEVER. PLEASE.

LET ADOLIN HAVE A SPREN 2K18

god, Vivenna: HARD SAME, GIRL

also, I forgot that she would have had to have come through the Cognitive Realm to get from Nalthis to Roshar, but heeeeheheheh yeah. She knows what she’s doing here, or at the very least has an idea. Excellent.

but FUCK

SHADESMAR

AND EVERYONE THINKS THEY’RE DEAD

and dear fucking god, Moash, you’re better than this, why must you continue to make REALLY BAD DECISIONS.

these are my priorities

leave me alone.

[belaborthepoint]

First Dem Debate 2020

WOLF BLITZER: Here we are in Ohiowa. Biden, let's start with you. Why should you be Commander in Chief even though you supported the War in Iraq?

BIDEN: Oopsies! That was a booboo haha. Mistakes. We all make 'em.

PETE: I'm young, and I served with babies, people not old enough to vote, children without memories. They weren't there for 9/11. We will have challenges different from anything we've seen. Cyber, climate, foreign interference. We need to look to the future to learn from the past, and for me, that's personal.

WARREN: The military industrial complex is bad.

WOLF: Tom Steyer, you've never done anything and no one knows who you are. Can you speak to that?

TOM STEYER: Should I look into the camera? Yeah, this is good, this is good stuff. Okay. I worked in finance around the world. I met businesses. I agree with what Elizabeth said, it's about judgement and it doesn't matter if you have zero experience.

WARREN: Uh-

TOM STEYER: Everyone else made mistakes. And you know what? Barack Obama was a senator with no experience, just like me, a white billionaire finance bro with no experience. An outside perspective is what we need, a random dude. That's what I can bring to the table.

WOLF: How are you going to stop ISIS?

BIDEN: I was part of the Iran nuclear deal. And then guess what, we pulled out, people are saying, our allies, we both need to stand down, and now-- we just need to put it to get it in and up and just, and now, and we need to do it.

WOLF: Okay...so would you leave troops there or pull them out?

BIDEN: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I would leave them there to patrol the gulf, cause we're there already, so you know, might as well, some of them, right?

KLOBUCHAR: You need to leave some there cause of terrorism.

PETE: I remember the day, all those many years ago, I remember it, when we shipped out, saying goodbye to family. I remember walking hand in hand with my best friend, into the sunset, and his child was behind him, and he kept walking and couldn't look back, because if he did, Eurydice would be trapped in the underworld forever. I was just thinking about that story cause I saw Hadestown on Broadway last night. Just terrific.

WOLF: Biden, would you ever take military action without congressional approval?

BIDEN: Only if everyone says it's okay. I mean, we can't just take out all the troops. You can't just talk to terrorists, you have to defeat them. Otherwise we have to police everyone.

WOLF: Just to be clear, you and Obama took military action without congressional approval like a bunch of times. What's the deal?

BIDEN: We had authorization to do other things.

PETE: If our troops have the courage to go into harms way, Congress should have the courage to vote. It's all about courage. As my great-grandfather once said, it takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

WOLF: Isn't that a quote from Harry Potter?

WARREN: J.K. Rowling's a TERF.

BIDEN: I don't know what that means.

WARREN: Trans-exclusionary-

BIDEN: What is trans?

PETE: I grew up with Harry Potter because I am twenty-one years old and it is very close to my heart. In a way, Albus Dumbledore has always been like a grandfather figure to me. And he was gay, even though there's no evidence of that in the text and so no actual representation. Look, Harry Potter is nostalgic for me, okay? Give me a break.

WOLF: What were we talking about?

TOM STEYER: Where's the camera? Am I looking at the-  oh, okay, here we go. I would take military action to protect the lives of American people. Terrorists are bad and I love America. We need a strategy though. And what is that? I don't know. Also, Australia is happening. Also, how can Americans prosper more?

ABBY PHILLIP: Biden, would you meet with North Korea?

BIDEN: They said I am a rabid dog and should be beaten to death with a stick.

BERNIE: Haha.

BRIANNE PFANNENSTIEL: Bernie, why don't you support the trade deal even though the AFL-CIO supports it?

BERNIE: Cause all the unions and all the environmentalists and everyone good in the world opposes it and I don't want all my grandchildren to die.

BRIANNE: We'll talk about climate change in a moment but let's stick to trade.

BERNIE: Joke's on you, they're the same thing. Everything is climate change.

TOM STEYER: Where's the- here we are. Look. On the first day, we get rid of tariffs, waivers, corn-based ehtanol. I am literally the only person here who acknowledges that climate change is real.

ABBY: Bernie, why did you tell Elizabeth Warren that women shouldn't be president? Why do you hate women?

BERNIE: I actually never said that.

ABBY: Really?

BERNIE: Yup.

ABBY: Senator Warren, what did you think when Bernie admitted to you that he was a rampant misogynist who thinks women are all stupid and bad?

WARREN: I did not enjoy it and thought he was wrong. Bernie is my friend. Also, I'm the only person here who's beat an incumbent republican in 30 years.

KLOBUCHAR: I know other women and I am proud to know them, their names are, um, I know their names.

BERNIE: Just so you know, I have beaten an incumbent Republican.

WARREN: When?

BERNIE: 1990.

WARREN: Yeah...30 years ago...

BERNIE: What's your point?

WARREN: I said "in 30 years." So you haven't beaten an incumbent republican in 30 years.

BERNIE: 1990 was 30 years ago, as a matter of fact.

WARREN: Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying...

BERNIE: Neither here nor there. Anyways. I believe that a woman can be president.

ABBY: Senator Warren, I'll give you the last word.

BIDEN: I would actually like to have the last word.

ABBY: Of course you would.

BIDEN: I also like women. They are competent. But who represents all of us? Brown, black, gay, female, whatever else?  A cishet white guy like myself. I can appeal to the most people.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

ABBY: Healthcare?

BERNIE: Medicare for all. We can finance it with a 4% tax on income. People will be paying 10% of what they're paying now.

BIDEN: We don't really need Medicare for all though.

BERNIE: Workers are paying 20% of their incomes on healthcare. That's insane. People are going bankrupt because they can't pay their medical bills.

BIDEN: Nah.

ABBY: Mayor Buttigieg, you call your plan 'Medicare for all who want it,' but you're forcing people to pay for it even if they don't want it. How do you feel about your false advertising?

PETE: I'm just making sure that um. I'm offering a choice. And my plan is paid for. It's super cheap.

WARREN: The only reason your plan is cheap is that it sucks butt. People won't be able to pay for their prescriptions.

PETE: It's JUST. NOT. TRUE.  

BRIANNE: Biden, do you support free universal infant care?

BIDEN: Here's the thing. I mean, we should have that, yes, BUT I don't know. I also had to deal with child care. I don't know. I know my time is up and I don't really have anything else to say but I'll just stop now, I won't go over like everyone else who has things to say.

WOLF: What about the impeachment?

TOM STEYER: Wolf, we need to decide for ourselves. I know what America is about, Wolf. Standing up for what is right is ALWAYS worth it, Wolf, okay, Wolf? And I will NEVER back down from that, Wolf.

KLOBUCHAR: Have you no sense of decency, sir?! HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

WOLF: .......what? 

BRIANNE: Mayor Pete, what do you do about farms and factories that can't be moved from areas at high risk of flooding?

PETE: Yeah, that's why we need to stop climate change. It's just so bad, it's real bad, and we need to stop it, and that's what I'm gonna do.

BRIANNE: I repeat: what do you do about farms and factories that can't be moved from areas at high risk of flooding?

PETE: Yes.

BRIANNE: Not really a 'yes or no' kind of question.

PETE: Hm?

TOM STEYER: This is why climate change is bad, and I'm still floored that I am the only one here who is not a climate change denier. I am the only person in this room, in this country, who believes in climate change and wants to take action, and I am the only person who can stop climate change. On my first day in office, I will cancel the weather.

BRIANNE: So okay, let me get this straight. You care the most about climate change, but you're also a billionaire who has profited from investing in coal, oil and gas. Correct?

TOM STEYER: Yeah, I mean, I invested in the economy. It was about the economy. But then I divested and I gave all my money away so I could become an eco-terrorist and tree sit in the Amazon rain forest. So, YEAH, I think I CARE about CLIMATE change, idiots.

BRIANNE: Senator Klobuchar, you're quoted as saying "I think fracking is very cool and also sexy. When I think about fracking it makes me feel warm and happy. I don't know, I can't explain it, it just gives me butterflies. I like fracking, okay? I love it. I love fracking." What do you have to say about this?

KLOBUCHAR: I think it's a good transition. It'll get us to carbon neutral eventually. We'll just frack for a little while. We'll be carbon neutral within the next 500 years.

BRIANNE: Okay, Bernie's been raising his hand for a while now like a good little boy so I'm gonna call on him. Bernie?

BERNIE: We actually can't wait 500 years to be carbon neutral because we'll all die and all our children will die and our planet will be uninhabitable.

ABBY: Mayor Pete, you said that black voters don't like you because they don't know you. What if they actually do know you but they just don't like you because of who you are as a person?

PETE: If black people really know me, they like me. It's just that I don't know any actual black people. I mean, is that so bad? Is that really my fault? Wait, hold up. Now that I think about it, my step-cousin went to school with someone who's black and I think he is voting for me probably. My step-cousin, I mean. All I have to say is, I care about poverty and I do not think that police officers should murder people.

ABBY: Bernie, a lot of people don't like socialism. Don't you think that'll be an issue?

BERNIE: Nope, not at all. Most people don't actually know what socialism is, but when you realize that socialism is like, having fair wages and healthcare and access to education, you realize that actually socialism is the bomb dot com.

ABBY: Mr. Businessman, you spent a million dollars of your pocket change on tv ads for yourself. How do you expect people to actually like you?

TOM STEYER: Okay, people. Look me in the eyes. Look at me. I'm talking to you. I started a business by myself. And when I'm in office, I'm gonna show everyone that Trump is a fraud and everyone is a phony. If you sat around there long enough and heard all the phonies applauding and all, you got to hate everybody in the world, I swear you did. People never think anything is anything really. I'm getting goddam sick of it.

ABBY: Is that from Catcher in the Rye?

TOM STEYER: These are my own words. I've done everything myself.

BIDEN: By the way, just wanted to say that I am uncomfortable saying 'black' and also I have huge support among the African American community. I have met African American people before in my life and we just love each other. So much love.

TOM STEYER: In closing, I love team sports, and you are all my teammates. I can slap your butt, but no one can kick you in the face, and that's how I'm going to win this election. Let's save the world.