#for all i know the thing i think is dungeon meshi is actually three unrelated pieces of media

[chameleonsallinvermillion]

Normally by this point, dashboard osmosis has given me a rough idea what everybody's latest Thing is. But Dungeon Meshi? I have no idea what is going on with Dungeon Meshi. My best guesses so far are: -

There probably is a literal dungeon that they are in at least some of the time

Food???? Cooking??? Cooking competition?????????

Very possibly lesbians

That one guy who is taller than everyone else

????????????

It's also highly possible that some of the things I'm assuming are Dungeon Meshi related are actually Locked Tomb, because I never figured out what that was about either.

[room-surprise]

Dungeon Meshi is about Kabru trying to solve The Trolly Problem. The dungeon is the trolly, and Laios is the switch (and also the victim.)

Please note that this post isn't for or against any ship, I'm simply trying to explain what actually happens in canon, as opposed to the funny memes that people like to joke about. EDIT: Because of some comments I've received: I am not saying Laios is a bad person, that he'll be a bad king, or that Kabru hates him or thinks he's a bad person!

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I've seen people describe what happens between Kabru and Laios in Dungeon Meshi as either "playing yaoi mind chess/tennis" or "one guy is playing chess and the other guy is eating the pieces, and the chess player doesn't understand why he's losing", however, I don't think EITHER of those things come even remotely close to what happens in Dungeon Meshi.

A chess game is being played, and Kabru is involved, but Laios is a pawn, not a player.

The dungeon on the island, and the island itself, has been fought over by the western elven empire and the eastern dwarves/gnomes for a very long time. The fact that the region is currently at peace is an anomaly, the normal state has been war, most likely for thousands and thousands of years, since the time of the Ancients.

That is because the northwestern corner of the Eastern Continent is the border region between the elves and the dwarves/gnomes and that is why there is a solid line of dungeons dividing the world there. The dungeons are essentially evidence of ancient trench warfare between the opposing groups.

The elves have been trying to invade the east, and the dwarves/gnomes have been trying to keep them out.

In order to stop fighting endless wars over this border, the elves and the dwarves/gnomes have allowed the short-lived races to rule the area, rather than try to claim it for themselves, or allow their enemy to claim it. The island/Golden Kingdom is a textbook definition of a buffer state.

The dwarves/gnomes broke that peace by attacking the Golden Kingdom a thousand years ago, but they failed to conquer the land. The Golden Kingdom vanished, and all that was left behind was the island. The elves assigned governorship of the island to a tall-man family, and the elves and the dwarves/gnomes have been at peace since then.

Six years before the story of Dungeon Meshi begins, an entrance to a dungeon opened on the island, and now the two long-lived groups are interested in taking the island back again, to regain control of the dungeon.

The people of the Golden Kingdom and the orcs are the two local groups that live on the island. There's also the non-local dungeon industry people who live there, a lot of poor people with weapons that are trying to get rich quick by exploiting the dungeon. In other words, adventurers with weapons and nothing to lose.

But what these three groups might want doesn't really matter to the long-lived races. The elves are planning to take back control of the island, and the dwarves/gnomes are preparing to go to war to stop them from doing so.

Kabru is playing chess with them, the elves, the dwarves and the gnomes, to try and place a tall-man figurehead in control of the dungeon. Laios doesn't even know that a chess game is being played, and that he's involved in it. He just wants to help the orcs and the people of the Golden Kingdom, but he doesn't want to be king, and his goals are completely unrelated from everything Kabru is trying to accomplish.

That means Kabru and Laios are not playing a game against each other.

(Spoilers for the rest of Dungeon Meshi beneath the cut)

Kui introduces Kabru as if he were a rival to Laios as a red herring, so that readers worry that this scary guy who is very good at killing people might be coming after Laios and his party.

But that never happens, because he isn't actually Laios' rival or his competition, because they don't want the same things.

Laios wants to save Falin, and, if possible, find a way to live in the dungeon for the rest of his life, like Senshi does, so he can be around monsters and away from human society. He doesn't know that this is impossible until maybe the last dozen chapters of the manga. He believes this is the solution he has been searching for, a way for him to finally be happy.

It's impossible because if dungeons are allowed to continue existing, they will eventually cause the end of the world. Can't keep living peacefully in the dungeon if the world ends and you're dead.

(takes a deep breath)

Kabru wants to make sure the dungeon doesn't collapse and overflow with monsters that will massacre the people on the surface. In his ideal world, all monsters would be extinct. This isn't a rational or feasible goal, and Kabru probably isn't actively pursuing it because he knows it's unrealistic, but all monsters being gone forever is what Kabru wants in his heart.

So a dungeon ruled by someone who wants there to be as many monsters as possible is Kabru's worst nightmare, because it is like a nuclear reactor just waiting to have a meltdown.

Once he learns about Laios' monster obsession, Kabru is afraid such a meltdown is exactly what will happen if Laios conquers the dungeon, even though Laios isn't a bad person. He's afraid Laios' inherent nature will cause a catastrophe.

The obvious solution is to kill Laios to prevent him from getting further involved, but this is incompatible with Kabru's morals. He's willing to kill people, but only if he judges them deserving of death. Laios is weird and antisocial, but he's not malicious or immoral. It would be wrong to kill him, even if doing so potentially could save many lives.

But to complicate matters further, Kabru also has an additional goal: He wants a tall-man to take control the dungeon for political reasons.

Because this hypothetical tall-man will have control over a dungeon, Kabru hopes they will gain the knowledge of how and why the dungeons are so valuable to the long-lived races, and this knowledge will give the tall-man country the power they need to interact on an equal level with the long-lived races, something that currently doesn't happen.

When the world leaders discuss what to do in Dungeon Meshi, only elves, dwarves and gnomes are present. No other races are involved in the conversation.

Kabru wants a tall-man ruled kingdom to be a part of deciding global policy, something they are currently denied.

Kabru does not care who the tall-man who conquers the dungeon is, he originally wanted to do it himself, but he realized that he was very bad at exploring the dungeon, and so he began searching for anyone who could do it for him. Whoever conquers the dungeon, Kabru intends to place himself near them and find a way to control what they do, or even replace them with himself or someone else who he finds more suitable, if necessary.

Kabru decides to push Laios to conquer the dungeon not because he thinks Laios will do a good job (he doubts it up till the very last chapter of the manga, and he's constantly afraid of what Laios' monster obsession will lead to), but because Laios is the only option Kabru has left, and he has run out of time.

The elves have arrived and they are trying to claim the dungeon for themselves. The dwarves/gnomes are preparing for war with the elves to resume.

Kabru clearly expresses that he is only pushing Laios to conquer the dungeon as a temporary solution, and that he will figure out what to do with Laios later, once the threat of the long-lived races is over.

Meanwhile: Laios does not want to rule a dungeon, an island, or a country.

He ran away from home to avoid having to run a small village, and though he wants to help Yaad, the people of Merini and the orcs, he does not want to be king. He's hoping that he can somehow help them and leave afterwards.

Laios doesn't pay attention to politics until the orcs and then Yaad make him start thinking about them. He most likely has never thought about global politics, and has never imagined a world where tall-men hold power outside of small, rural kingdoms with no international influence. For most ordinary people, such ideas would probably seem revolutionary, crazy and impossible.

At the end of the manga, the island has suddenly lost its primary value (the dungeon). It is no longer essential for the long-lived races to immediately control it. They can wait and see what happens next, if the dungeon is going to come back or not, and make their next move whenever it suits them.

Laios becomes king because he is the only person that all the groups involved can agree upon. Allowing a tall-man to rule is just a return to the status quo of the past, which the long-lived races were happy with for a long time.

Most likely the long-lived races think that Laios is no better and no worse than any other random tall-man they could allow to rule the territory. They would have been equally happy with the old governor, or Yaad, or anyone else. The only benefit of choosing Laios is that they don't have to force the Golden Kingdom, the orcs, or the huge amount of armed adventurers who have suddenly become unemployed (and probably outnumber the elves and the dwarves/gnomes) to accept him.

They want to keep the mob pacified, and themselves out of a war.

But none of this is because anyone aside from Yaad and the orcs, and a few random adventurers think that Laios is particularly wonderful. Yaad believes in a false prophecy that says Laios should be king, and the orcs believe that Laios is the only potential ruler that won't eventually carry out a genocide against them, so of course they support making him king.

(It is, apparently, considered normal for humans of all races to kill orcs on sight, so Laios' revolutionary new policy of "leaving the orcs alone" obviously makes him popular with the orcs.)

To all of the world leaders, Laios is simply convenient and will allow them to back down from the war they were about to start, but didn't really want to be fighting.

NOW, to return to Kabru:

When the threat of the dungeon appears to be neutralized at the end of the story, Kabru returns to his original secondary goal: he wants a tall-man to take over the Golden Kingdom, rather than let the elves, dwarves or gnomes have it. The new Golden Kingdom's access to the remains of the dungeon may provide political leverage in the future, since nobody KNOWS that the dungeons are actually neutralized and that they'll never come back.

Laios is the only person Kabru can push to take this role, the only one that all the groups involved will accept, and Kabru doesn't care that Laios doesn't want to do it. So Kabru and Yaad immediately recognize that they want the same thing, and they both start pushing Laios to be king together.

It should be noted though, that even though Kabru makes this choice, during the feast he still has doubts! What if making Laios king leads to the new Golden Kingdom becoming a haven for monsters? What if Laios was the wrong choice?

And Kabru says he will continue to worry about this for the rest of his life. Meaning that he's planning to stay in the kingdom and shepherd it to success, but also that he will never fully trust that Laios won't accidentally cause a monster-fueled massacre. If there's no dungeon to magically breed monsters, maybe Laios will just start importing them the old fashioned way! There's lots of ways an antisocial king that loves monsters could cause problems.

So..... in conclusion: Kabru and Laios aren't playing chess against each other.

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Now, there are two characters that DO play mind chess in Dungeon Meshi: Kabru and Mithrun.

They do this for exactly two chapters, and then they immediately switch to playing cooperative pairs tennis instead, because they realize they (mostly) want the same things, and working together will be more beneficial than working against each other.

Reminder: I am not saying the fact that Kabru and Mithrun play mind chess is "canon proof of yaoi", or the fact that Kabru and Laios don't play mind chess is proof that shipping them is wrong. All I am saying is that Laios and Kabru do not play mind games against each other, and Mithrun and Kabru do. That's all!

I could keep going but I will stop lmao.

If you got this far and you liked reading what I had to say, you should check out my pinned post about the other Dungeon Meshi stuff I write/do.