#flying caerbannog

[betabravo]

Snippet: Homeroom Miruko x Red Flag (Deus MHA AU) Part 6

(UA Staff chatroom)

Caerbannog: @Everybody Bakugou Katsuki should NOT be allowed to enroll into any hero school. Ever.

RatOverlord: So he isn’t secretly good at manipulating the staff into giving him glowing reviews?

NightOwl: Nezu, don’t scare away our new staff before the school year has started.

NightOwl: Miruko, deets. Now.

Momnight: Hey that’s my line! Where did you learn to talk like that?

NightOwl: You, Midnight.

Momnight: Understandable, please continue.

Caerbannog: Well, the tldr version is that I was walking towards the school, chilling while eating my icecream, when I just hear an explosion and see a blackened notebook fly out the window.

Caerbannog: And lo and behold, I hear a kid ranting about a quirkless kid for even daring to apply to UA like him. (No prizes for guessing who the 2 kids in question are.)

NightOwl: Sounds like a problem child already.

Caerbannog: And I hear the most fucked up thing from the Katsuki kid. And this is a quote that I’m typing with such anger that I’m surprised the phone screen isn’t cracked.

RatOverlord: You can thank Power Loader for the modifications to our hardware and software, but please continue.

Caerbannog: “If you want a Quirk so badly, I got an idea. Just dive off the roof and pray for a Quirk in your next life.”

Caerbannog: He’s basically everything the Table hates with a passion. Not sure if I dislike Endeavor or this bully more.

RatOverlord: … All who agree to help perform an unpleasantness, say aye.

NightOwl: Aye, I’ll help Miruko gather info about him and the school.

Momnight: Aye, need help to detain (read: abduct) someone, u know how to reach me.

Alucard: Aye, I’ll check online for others in the area with weak or villainous Quirks that have faced discrimination from him or the school.

Bunshin: Aye.

KingBumi: Aye.

Exosuit: Aye, I’ll hack their servers n see what dirt I can dig up.

Macarena: Aye, I’ll keep an ear out during my radio show for such stories that’re submitted, get the word out.

Mercy: Aye.

SPACE!: Aye.

BigGoodDoggo: @RatOverlord If they get in, I want Midoriya to have a session with me. Preferably immediately after orientation. Please let your class attend @NightOwl, at least let them know I’m here before giving the kid (and any others like him) trauma. Also aye.

ShokuKing: Aye, I’ll make bento boxes for all your stakeouts. Miruko gets extra carrot soup and Eraser gets stronger coffee.

NightOwl: There’s stronger coffee? And no one told me!?

Cowboy: Can’t I just shoot him? Aye.

RatOverlord: @BigGoodDoggo Granted. @NightOwl Consider this an order, attend orientation with your FULL class of 20 students. Your expulsion scare can come after. @Cowboy Snipe, no.

Cowboy: Snipe, YES!

RatOverlord: At least let me make a plan to hide our involvement first.

Caerbannog:…

NightOwl: And we’ve scared her off. Great.

Caerbannog: You guys are the BEST! Where have yall been all my life!? I’m so in!

NightOwl: Nevermind, this is worse.

onePUNCH!: What is going on with this chat group.

Mercy: Word of advice All Might. If you can't beat them, join them.

Mercy: Welcome to hell, fellow demon. We like to have fun here.

///

First/Last/Next

And here's part 6, in a chat fic format. And now Deus's Red Flag AU has the original idea where Katsuki's red flags are shown and the consequences that occur.

I had fun thinking about the nicknames everyone can use in the chat.

I'm up for suggestions for how the other teachers can help bring Katsuki and Aldera down.

[pocketramblr]

AU where Second was the tallest OFA holder.

Well I guess I'll be nice and make him 160 cm (5'3") instead of 150 (4'11") then... OfA short king quirk...

1. Yoichi is 158 cm tall, Third 155, Shinomori 157, Banjo 154, En 150, Nana 156, and Toshinori 159 though his bangs make him look taller than Second, though he isn't

2. AfO is also naturally like 160 cm but is embarrassed and uses a quirk to make him taller. In contrast, Yoichi uses his short frame to sneak places easier, and Second literally didn't care about it one way or another until AfO made himself taller than him in a weird killing gloat.

3. The reason Second didn't like Izuku or approve of him at first? When Toshinori found him the kid was already 162 cm, and would be taller by the current point in canon. But when he gets OfA there's so much short king energy stockpiled inside that the first time he uses it, he shrinks a few centimeters though it's hard to notice at first with all the broken bones

4. All Might is the second shortest hero in the top ten, even if Hawks looks taller when flying or puffing up his wings. It's generally mocked how Endeavor makes an even bigger visual contrast by adding flames to look bigger, and All Might's compact strength is part of his brand. To the point where it's brought up in discussing Izuku's similar "small but strong wrecking ball" thing. Even more killer rabbit of caerbannog energy going on with All Might and Izuku's costumes and fighting styles really.

5. The OfA vestiges don't really bother making themselves taller on purpose, though it happens sometimes with emotional flares changing appearances, but they do make AfO his natural height when his vestige tries to pop in

[fluxxdog]

The time fly (M. chronus) is the staple food for the paradox sparrow (P. discordus). While this is the main source of their nutrition, it is supplemented by various nuts, like the PRNG seed. However, this makes it susceptible to attacks by the predatory killer rabbit (S. caerbannog), who prey on them as well as lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chulapas.

Despite it being a top predator, they are commonly hunted by other larger mammals such as bears repeating (U. ursus), the market bull (B. vicious), the hungry wolf (C. similar), and the eye tiger (P. survivor). This keeps their numbers low and manageable.

For more information and to schedule a safari including these animals, please contact you local dimensional travel bureau.

"bears repeating" and "time flies" are two kinds of creatures that fill similar ecological niches

[howlingday]

Tragic Backstoey (TM) AU: Encouraged by her friends Ruby asks Jaune out on another date. Since it obviously wasn’t an accident he is a little awkward this time but they enjoy themselves. Now Rumors go around about the two dating. While most see this as typical romance gossip, those who know of the potential of silver eyed warriors wonder about the outcome this Union could produce.

I Lan-Cast "Screw You!"

Ruby Rose had always had the dream of becoming a Huntress. Ever since as far back as she could remember, Ruby wanted to save people, protect the innocent, and fight off the Grimm. Essentially, she wanted to make things better.

But time changes people, and dreams once held dearly as children are sidelined by other fantasies, especially around puberty. She still wanted to be a Huntress. After all, she is attending Beacon Academy. But recent events paired with her impressions from years of teen romance novels have altered her focus less from slaying Grimm, and more to playing boys. One boy, in particular, playing on his bed with her in a heated tussle of passion.

Jaune: I can't hold out much longer!

Ruby: Then don't. Just give in to it.

Jaune: GRRRRRRAAAARRRR!!!

Ruby: YEEEEEEEES!!! (Laughs) I win! I win!

Jaune: You totally cheated!

Ruby: Aw! Somebody better call the whambulance!

Jaune: That's it!

Ruby: No! Wait! I'm sorry!

Jaune: Coochie-coo!

Ruby: AHAHAHAHA!!! NO, STAH-HA-HA-HAHP!!!

Jaune: Never!

Yang: Those two just don't know when to quit.

Blake: You're okay with Jaune doing this to your sister?

Yang: I trust him. Besides, it seems like normal sibling stuff to me.

Blake: Mhm. Well, you are the big sister here. If you're okay with "that" in the family, then who am I to judge.

Yang: ...I hate you. I hate you so much right now.

Blake: I'm just saying. It's only a matter of time.

Yang: Please! I may only have just learned that Jaune's my brother, but I raised Ruby Rose. She knows how to take care of herself, and she's definitely not the bold type to ask a guy out.

Jaune: Haha! Hoo, that was fun!

Ruby: Yeah... Um, Jaune?

Jaune: Yeah?

Ruby: (Blushing) Do you, um, wanna go on another date?

Jaune: (Blushing) Uh, sure, I guess.

Blake: You were saying?

Yang: ...I hate you, Blake. So. Damn. Much.

Jaune: You ready for our date?

Ruby: Yeah, let's go! Nobody's gonna follow us, right?

Jaune: I told my team not to follow us. You?

Ruby: I told them. Honestly, I'm surprised how they reacted.

Jaune: Loud and whining?

Ruby: No, not really.

Jaune: Oh, so just my team, huh?

Ruby: Weiss was polite about, Blake just stayed reading on her bed, and Yang... Well, Yang kept running into the bathroom.

Jaune: Is she sick?

Ruby: I hope not. I have to share a room with her!

Weiss: Are they gone?

Blake: (Nods) They're moving downstairs.

Weiss: Got it. (Calls on her scroll) Toy Box, this is Queen Bee. The Dolts are rolling. I repeat, the Dolts are rolling. (Chuckles) Thank you, Velvet. (Hangs) And now we just wait for the photos.

Jaune: Anything new since the Festival started?

Ruby: Not really. Tomorrow's match has me a little nervous. I'm not going to be in it.

Jaune: Well, if it makes you feel any better, neither am I. After my "victory" in round 1, I'm not going to ruin everyone else's fun because people are afraid of me for some reason.

Ruby: Maybe that's a good thing. If people are afraid of you, they kind of respect you, right?

Jaune: Kind of. I mean, they might be opposites of the same feeling when you recognize something stronger. You either go on the defensive, letting fear put you in a fight or flight mode, or you accept it, and find comfort that something stronger than you exists.

Ruby: Hm, maybe. Wanna play some games?

Jaune: Sure!

Ruby: (Thinking) Fear or respect, huh? So, I guess I respect you a lot, because the stronger I see you, the more I want to get closer.

Velvet: Those two are so cute together. (Takes picture) If only I had something like that.

Cardin: (Spying on the couple) Only a matter of time.

Velvet: Time for what?

Cardin: (Straightens up) Uh, nothing!

Velvet: Really? Because it looks like you're spying on Ruby and Jaune.

Cardin: No! ...Just Jaune. It's for extra credit.

Velvet: That is so disgusting! Jaune is your friend and you're still pranking him?! And what's this about extra credit?!

Cardin: Don't worry about it! Besides, at least I'm not spying on them with a camera like a stalker!

Velvet: I'm not a stalker! ...I'm being paid for this.

Cardin: Right, because that makes it better!

Velvet: It is better! Certainly better than your stalking of Jaune!

Cardin: No, it isn't, you lying lagomorph!

Velvet: Yes, it is, you brutish bull!

Jaune: What's going on over there?

Ruby: Probably some dumb couple arguing.

Jaune: Glad we haven't gotten to that point, huh?

Ruby: Hehe! Yeah!

Jaune: ...

Ruby: ...

Jaune: So, uh, wanna get something to eat?

Ruby: Sure, I could eat.

Cardin: Peeping petal pouncer!

Velvet: Overgrown giant goon!

Cardin: Inept introverted eye-spier!

Velvet: Stupid savage super slouch!

Cardin: Stop shouting!

Velvet: Shut up!

Cardin: MAKE ME!

Velvet: FINE! (Kisses Cardin)

Cardin: (Stands in shock)

Velvet: (Pulls away, Blushing) Oh no... What did I do...? (Runs away)

Cardin: Velvet, wait! ...Damn.

Jaune: He told you to slow down.

Ruby: (Rubbing her eyes) I know, I just got excited!

Jaune: That hungry for funnel cake, huh?

Ruby: Yeah, but I wasn't expecting the powdered sugar to explode on me!

Jaune: Well, hang on, I've got something. Here, let me just...

Ruby: (Winces) It's cold!

Jaune: Well, it's ice water. And... okay, try opening your eyes.

Ruby: (Slowly flutters her eyes) How do I look?

Jaune: (Blushing, Gulps) Gorgeous...

Ruby: Huh?

Jaune: Uh, I mean, good! You look- You look good!

Ruby: (Blinking) Well, that's good. (Looks at Jaune) Oh, wow...

Jaune: W-What?

Ruby: Your eyes are blue... Like, really blue.

Jaune: Oh, r-really?

Ruby: (Reaching for him, Moving closer) I... really like... blue...

Jaune: (Gulps, Moves closer) Ruby... I-

Velvet: (Throws camera between them) I'M SO SORRY, BUT I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! (Runs off crying)

Cardin: (Runs after her) Velvet, wait! (Stops at Jaune) I hope you're happy, Jaune, you son of a bitch!

Jaune: Huh?!

Cardin: This is all your fault! (Punches Jaune, Tuns after Velvet)

Jaune: Oogh... Good thing I have aura.

Ruby: (Holding Velvet's camera) I'm gonna kill them...

Jaune: Huh?

Ruby: I'm gonna kill them! Velvet was taking pictures of us the whole time! I just know Yang is behind this!

Jaune: Any good ones?

Ruby: That doesn't matter! I told them not to follow me, and they rope Velvet in on this!

Jaune: Well, at least we had fun, right?

Ruby: I guess, but I'm so angry right now!

Jaune: How about one more picture? I'll hold the camera.

Ruby: Fine.

Jaune: (Points camera at them) Say Vytal!

Ruby: (Pouting) Vytal. (Photo taken of smiling Jaune and pouting Ruby)

Jaune: How do you feel?

Ruby: Angry!

Jaune: Well, I feel great! I think it's the camera. Here, you take our picture this time.

Ruby: (Rolls her eyes) Fine, but I don't see how holding the camera will change my mood. (Points camera at them) Say Vytal.

Jaune: Vytal~. (Photo taken of a surprised Ruby and a smiling Jaune kissing her cheek) So, how do you feel now?

Ruby: (Blushing, Giggling)

Glynda: (Smirks) Hello, OTP.

[shirtoid]

The Quest For The Silly Walk by MarianoSan

[bibliosophist]

My mouse had a stroke and I accidentally unfollowed you while trying to send this ask D:

Yesterday I thought of a small scenario. Imagine a MC that loves birds/animals and used to feed birds (using a bird feeder/leaving seed and nuts outside of their window) in the human world. So when they see the little Devildom birds, they put some food for them on their window sill and whenever a bird comes around to eat, MC coos at them and speaks in a cutsie voice bc the birds are so adorable. And of course the brothers burst into the room (because apparently MC doesn't deserve privacy) and catch them doing so.

The Brothers with a Disney Princess!MC.

Fluff with a side of stupidity. Also, I hate referring to animals as “it”, like they’re inanimate objects. So I’m not going to.

Lucifer

Walks into the courtyard one morning to see the resident peacock with his tail feathers spread wide open, colours on full display.

That’s unusual. He hasn’t seen any hens nearby.

Then he rounds the corner and sees you sitting on a bench, a book balanced on one knee and a small bucket of berries beside you.

Of course you’re feeding the bird.

The arrogant, self-important, often violent bird.

Like it’s the most normal thing in the whole world.

His heart grows three sizes that day.

Mammon

Strolls into your room uninvited (as usual) to see you standing at your open window with a small tub of food, a large black bird on the sil in front of you.

Are you... feeding a crow?

One of his crow familiars???

And just when this boy thought he had his feelings for you under control, too.

There is no coming back from this. The Great Mammon is done for.

Hey, hold on.

Did HIS familiar just drop a fucking ring in your lap?!

Wait... THAT’S HIS RING!

Leviathan

Catches you feeding the fish in the pond at the Demon Lord’s castle.

Aw, that’s so cute... Waitaminute, is that a jar of Henry’s food in your hand?!

When did you- How did you-

Is torn between melting and exploding.

Once he calms down he considers inviting you next time he goes to visit Lotan.

Clearly you like aquatic creatures. It’s still romantic if you’re feeding them havoc devil quarters instead of fish flakes, right?

Satan

Watches you slipping treats to the “stray” cats living in the garden.

Wants to remind you that they are on a strict feeding schedule and that the treats have little nutritional value, but-

One of the cats jumps into your lap, standing on their back legs to butt you with their furry little head.

His heart.

Immediately puts in an order for a dozen of Madame Scream’s famous macarons. The cats aren’t the only ones who deserve treats for being so cute.

Asmodeus

Loves to watch you garden. He’s so impressed with the way you’ve adapted to working with the unique flora of the Devildom.

Plus, the way the moonlight dances across your skin? He may or may not have an entire album on his phone dedicated to photos of you in the garden.

Just a minute... What’s that over by the fence?

Oh no! It’s making its way over to you!

Opens his mouth to shout a warning, but then you bend down and... oh.

Yep, that’s a wild Caerbannog Rabbit, and you’ve just picked them up. Like a housecat.

And now you’re feeding them from the garden.

Is impressed by your kindness and stupidity bravery. Is also a little bit afraid of you now.

Mourning the loss of the salad you promised him.

Beelzebub

Finds you crouched down on the back porch holding out a spoon filled with what smells like sugar water.

What’s that next to you? Is that... a fly?

It is. It’s an exhausted little fly and he’s having a sip of the nectar you made.

Wait. Did you do this on purpose?

It certainly looks that way.

But aren’t humans meant to be repulsed by flies?

He’s subconsciously shifted into his demon form and his wings are rubbing together in joy.

Belphegor

Is enjoying a lazy picnic with you in a nearby meadow. His head is pillowed in your lap and he’s never felt more content.

His eyes have just slid shut when there’s a hot whumph of air in his face.

How in the fuck did a wild cow sneak up on the two of you???

Sits up just as the cow drops to their belly beside you, nosing through the remainder of your lunch.

Sadboi has an intense emotion when you throw your arms around the cow’s neck and offer them a biscuit.

This wild animal has bodily shoved their way into your life and you just... embraced them.

Is once again amazed that creatures like you and him can exist in the same universe.

Decides that the cow can stay, but there’s no way he’s sharing your lap.

A/N: Did you know that flies can act as pollinators? Yes, they may require a flesh sacrifice in exchange, but who doesn’t? Check out this article fore more information.

[duskowithapen]

Day Ten: Bunnies

Fandom: Harry Potter, Addam’s Family, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Pairing: Familial Harry Potter and baby Killer Rabbits of Caerbannog

Warning: Blood, Gore, and Death

Read on Ao3

Read on Fanfiction

Say Hello To My Little Friends

Harry licked the blood off his lip and smiled sadly with red stained teeth. “Sorry babies, no meat for dinner tonight.”

The six tiny baby bunnies stared at him with pink eyes. One hopped closer and started to lick at the blood dripping down his arm. When he didn’t push it away, the others followed. Harry ran a finger down each of their little backs. They were all so soft, with sleek black fur that shone different colours when the light touched it – a little bit like oil on water. He had found them huddled under Aunt Petunia’s rose bushes a few days ago. They must have run away from their owner, but Harry didn’t think anyone was looking for them. There hadn’t been any missing bunny posters or anything.

When one of the bunnies – the Ringleader, Harry thought of him as, with more of a green tint to his fur than the others – started climbing up his shirt in search of more blood, Harry pulled him away. “No, you’ve had enough.” They had all had enough – Harry was starting to feel a little lightheaded.

The bunnies’ nest was made out of a stolen towel and a pair of too-big jeans. It was tucked into the smallest corner of the cupboard, where the stairs met the floor. For extra protection, Harry had put all the chemical bodies in front of it like a wall. Now that the bunnies were relatively fed, he started to sit them one by one in the nest.

“Goodnight Ringleader,” he said to the green tinted kit.

“Goodnight Stormy,” to the fluffiest kit with a silvery tint to its’ fur.

“Goodnight lil’ Fighter,” to the kit missing part of one ear – Harry was pretty sure it had gotten into a fight before he’d found them.

“Goodnight Demon,” to the red tinted kit with deeper pink eyes than the others.

“Goodnight Shadow,” to the biggest kit. It was always following the others. More than once, Harry had to stop it from following him out of the cupboard.

“Goodnight Witchy,” to the darkest kit. It had an almost purple sheen to its fur, but it was also the quietest and most sneaky. Harry would be doing his chores, and suddenly find Witchy in his pocket, or climbing out of his shoes, or even in his hair. (If Harry was being completely honest, out of all the kits, Witchy was his favourite)

He didn’t want to get too attached to the kits – they couldn’t live in his cupboard forever – but he couldn’t help it. They were the closest thing he’d ever had to pets, or friends, in the seven years of his life.

Once they had all settled down in their nest, Harry started to wrap his wounds. Uncle Vernon had lost a drill deal of some kind today and blamed it on Harry and his freakishness. He hadn’t pulled out his belt, but he did accidently break a plate and then shoved Harry down on top of it, so there were pieces of glass ground into his back. He didn’t wince when he pulled them out. Even though Uncle Vernon couldn’t see him, he refused to react. To show that it hurt.

That night, curled up on his cot, Harry dreamed about the day when he would get Uncle Vernon back for every hit, every cut, every stripe of pain from his belt. In his sleep, Harry smiled.

As it turned out, that day came sooner than he thought.

It was a week later. Harry had just finished cooking breakfast for the Dursleys, painfully aware of the three raw sausages in his pocket. Like him, the bunnies preferred their meat rare, and they were getting hungry. Their last proper meal had been a couple of bacon rashers the day before last. As the Dursley’s ate, Harry started on the dishes. If he got them done fast enough, he’d have a few minutes of peace in his cupboard with the kits before chores.

Unfortunately, Dudley had not long since learned how to count. And he was very much aware of the fact that the sausage package held twelve sausages, not nine. “Where are my sausages!?” He cried out with both chubby hands banging at the table. “I want more sausages!”

Aunt Petunia immediately surged out of her chair to comfort him. “What’s wrong with your sausages, baby? Tell mummy what’s wrong.”

“There-there-there’s only nine sausages! There’s meant to be twelve!” Dudley screamed out at the top of his lungs.

Both Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon turned to look at the sausage plate. Indeed, there were only nine.

“BOY!” Uncle Vernon bellowed, “What the hell do you think you’re playing at?!”

Harry turned around at the sink, hand closing around the last dirty knife. “I don’t know, Uncle Vernon.”

The man’s face went red, and then purple. “Where are all the sausages?!”

Burning a hole in my pocket, Harry thought hysterically. He never should have tried to take the sausages – too many, too early, too much. He was just considering the merits of handing them over, maybe it would lessen his punishment, when a large hand connected with the side of his head.

WHAM

Harry stumbled away from the sink, hand still clutching that knife, only to be sent to the floor by another blow. Uncle Vernon stood over him. He looked so much bigger from down here, completely blocking the light from the window, casting his face into shadow.

“How dare you steal from us! We took you in after your worthless parents went and got themselves killed, and this is how you repay us? Stealing food from your own family?! You greedy, ungrateful brat!”

With every insult, Uncle Vernon took another swing at Harry, kicking him along the ground until his was a huddled ball against the wall. Harry struggled to breathe. His ribs were creaking. His wrist was on fire. In his other hand, fingers curled around metal.

“I should send you to an orphanage, see how you like that. Do you know what they do to thieving little brats like you? They –”

Whatever they were going to do to him Harry didn’t know. He was too busy twisting his hand, sending the knife blade deeper into the meat of Uncle Vernon’s leg. The larger man had his mouth open in a silent scream, stumbling away from the attack. Blood ran thickly down his leg as Harry pulled the knife out.

Aunt Petunia hadn’t noticed. “Vernon, what –”

He turned.

She screamed.

“VERNON!”

Harry stood up, unnoticed. His ribs didn’t seem to hurt as much. Reaching out, he grabbed another knife from the knife block. This one was getting slippery.

Aunt Petunia turned to him with a horrified look on her face. “What are you doing?!”

Harry grinned, showing off every bloodied tooth. “I’m getting even Aunty.” He had finally had enough.

She stumbled back a step. Her mouth opened, then closed. Eyes flicked to where the phone was sitting on the hook. Harry’s grin grew wider. “Go ahead Aunty. The neighbours are going to love seeing all the policemen here. I can show everyone my cupboard. Or the belt.”

Apparently, the threat of having all the freakishness Aunt Petunia tried so hard to hide revealed to the neighbourhood wasn’t enough to stop her from stumbling towards the phone.

The screams of her child was.

Harry stepped to the side to see Dudley, still sitting at the table, a half-eaten egg in one hand, writhing in pain as four tiny black blurs darted across his body. One of them – Harry thought it was Ringleader – stopped on his neck and bit down. Blood sprayed across the room. Some of it got into Aunt Petunia’s wide open mouth.

Then there was another scream – Uncle Vernon thrashed as another two bunnies crawled up his body. Demon started to bite at his throat, stopping the screams. Witchy darted under his shirt, where a small lump reached his armpit. Red grew in a wide stain.

Aunt Petunia slowly turned to face him. It was like all the blood had been drained from her body. “What – what – what –”

There was a grin. A flash of sunlight off silver. Blood sprayed the kitchen splashback.

Later, Harry was watched by six attentive bunnies as he carefully carved up the Dursleys. “It’s not really that much different from the chicken Aunt Petunia had me doing last year,” he explained, “Or the goose at Christmas. It’s just harder cause Uncle Vernon’s so fat.”

Aunt Petunia had already been put into the garbage bin Harry had emptied earlier. “I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of them,” Harry grunted as he finally cut through Uncle Vernon’s rib cage. “Maybe I’ll just leave them here.”

“Perhaps I can help you with that, little one,” A smoky voice drawled. Harry shot up, throwing one of the smaller knives towards the woman standing in the doorway. A touch of freakishness helped it fly true.

She caught it. “Very nice shot, little one.” She didn’t seem to mind the stickiness of the handle, or the blood that dripped down onto her fine dress. It was black anyway, so it’s not like blood showed.

“Who are you? How did you get in here?” Harry was sure he’d locked the front door after emptying the garbage bin.

“A locked door doesn’t keep out an Addams for very long.” Blood red lips stretched out into a razor thin smile. “And I am Morticia. I have come for my family’s rabbits.”

Said bunnies were climbing Harry’s legs. Witchy hid in his hair, with Shadow following right behind. Ringleader stood on one shoulder. Demon, lil’ Fighter and Stormy cuddled into his arm, which he’d automatically curled around them.

“Oh. They belong to you?” Harry wasn’t sure how to feel. It was good that their owner had come to find them, but he’d miss them. They were his friends.

“Not to me personally. The Caerbennog rabbits have been familiars of the Addams for centuries. Their mother is quite attached to mine, and when her kits went missing, I came to find them.” Morticia seemed to only take one step but managed to cross the entire kitchen. Harry looked up at her.

“You have done marvellous work on these, little one,” she remarked, kneeling down beside the partially dismembered Uncle Vernon.

“I’m not little one,” Harry said quietly, “My name’s Harry.”

“Harry… Thank you for taking care of the kits. They seem to have grown up very nicely in you care.”

They were a bit bigger, Harry noticed. When he first found them, he could fit three of them in one hand. Now, they were each the size of his hand, with much thicker fur. “I just took care of them, Miss Morticia.” Harry shifted back a step and whimpered. His ribs were starting to hurt again – or rather, he was noticing his ribs again. He kicked at Uncle Vernon’s leg with a scowl.

Morticia raised a thin eyebrow. “Are you alright Harry?”

He went to nod, to lie, because she was an adult and no adult has ever been good to him, but lil’ Fighter kicked out at his ribs, making him hiss.

Something in Morticia’s face went dark and terrifying, as she brushed a hand across his face. He’d forgotten that Uncle Vernon had hit him.

“Little one, did they hurt you?”

Harry nodded.

“Do you want to come with me, Harry? The kits have become quite attached to you – you would be welcome in my home.”

“Can I – can I grab their nest first?” He whispered. His wrist was protesting the firm hold he had on the knife, so he let it drop.

“Of course you can. Collect all your belongings.”

Morticia followed him to the cupboard, where he had to put down the kits so he could crawl inside. When he emerged with the nest wrapped up in his only clan shirt and pants, she had returned to the kitchen. There were squelching noises, but when she stepped out, there was no blood. “Is that everything, little one?” He hands, when they clasped his, were ice cold and soft.

He glanced back. “Just one more thing…” It was hidden inside one of the stairs, but with his ribs, and his wrist, getting it out was going to hurt. Thankfully, he didn’t have to. The kits hopped out, Shadow, Demon and Witchy pulling a tattered sketchbook with them. Harry smiled, but couldn’t help the tears that started to fall down his cheek. That was his most prized possession – Harry had rescued it from the bin when Dudley threw it out, and it had since been used almost to capacity. Morticia picked it up carefully, Demon climbing her dress and hiding under the fall of her hair.

“You are very skilled,” Morticia murmured, slowly flicking through the pages. Harry held the nest bundle closer to his chest.

She looked up and smiled that razor thin smile. “Come, my husband will be delighted to meet you. Do you have any family?”

Harry glanced to the side. He couldn’t see their bodies anymore, and the blood was gone. “Just the Dursleys. My parents are dead.”

A cold arm wrapped around his shoulders. When Harry dared to lean in a little, it was like being cradled by a marble statue – cold, unyielding, sturdy, supportive. “Hmm. Harry… how does Harrier Addams sound?”

[badbackgroundscience]

Hank Pym doesn’t understand how magnifying glasses work

This week’s post is less a dive into any particular area of science and more a hodgepodge of questions I have for Hank Pym and his villain of the hour.

Like, first, what sensible jeweler would make an engagement ring that doubles as a tiny weapon?*

Fun fact - that 58 number is industry standard for round brilliant cut diamonds. If you cut off the bottom bit (or in this ring, the top bit) and make a 59th facet -- called the culet (pronounced kyoo-let) -- then take another diamond and do the same thing, you can stick something in-between the two and squeeze them together to create a hand-sized** laboratory experiment that generates pressures as great as those found at the center of the Earth.

They’re called Diamond Anvil Cells. And sometimes you end up atomizing diamond in the process. 

Because diamonds are not rare at all and flawless gems can be created by scientists in labs, you don’t have to worry that the deBeers cartel is losing their highest-quality wares to physicists and materials scientists.

But I will correct Hank on one thing - diamonds aren’t white. They’re transparent...at both optical wavelengths and parts of the x-ray band, which is another reason why they’re used in DACs. You can look through them while you’re crushing stuff into new forms of matter.

Sorry, Hank. Your knowledge of colors is just as good as your relationship with the woman you want to propose to.

Second, what idiot thinks he can paint a blimp one color of blue and have it be invisible at any hour of the day?

Like, he does know the sky comes in a wide variety of colors, right? There was that whole tumblr post about it...as well as common sense.

That being said, this did remind me of how some marine animals (e.g. sharks) do camouflage. They’re darker on the top half of their bodies, so if you’re above them looking into the depths of the ocean, or looking below their belly upward toward daylight, they blend in either way.

It’s called countershading. Our blimp in question*** isn’t two-toned so it’s not an example of it, but maybe it should have been...

...or “The Magician” could have glued a bunch of cotton balls to the outside so it’d look like a big puffy cloud.

And finally, we have bunnies:

Let’s ignore the fact that wild rabbits are basically the most terrified creatures in all of existence and the fact that we somehow domesticated some of them to not literally die of freight is basically a miracle of unnatural selection, and that I find it very in-credible that you could teach a rabbit to be a predator (not - you’ll note from the word choice above -- prey. Rabbits are beasts of prey by nature, in that other animals prey upon them).

Domestic rabbits all descend from European ancestors (Oryctolagus cuniculus), which - according to this paper - have a maximal running speed of 56 kph (~35 mph). Assuming The Magician’s pet bunny can do the same,

these are the things that can outrun**** a highly-trained rabbit:

Hares (which are closely related to, but not technically the same thing as, rabbits;***** their legs are longer so they can go faster) - a typical hare can reach a top speed of about 80 kph (50 mph)

Kangaroos (71 kph for short distances)

Lions (~80 kph)

Pronghorns (i.e. American antelopes, can run at 88.5 kph for about 1 km)

Cheetahs (duh)

Greyhounds (the dogs...but I guess also the buses, too) - hit speeds of 70 kph

Ostriches - the biggest bird in the world can sprint up to 96ish kph (60 mph)

Now, if The Magician claimed to get his hands on the Rabbit of Caerbannog (or, rather, one of its descendants, then we might have had an entirely different story).

* Unless this was a thing in the 1960s for some reason...

** I mean this literally:

*** We know it’s a blimp because it has an external carriage and completely deflates after the Wasp open a release valve. So it’s not a zepplin or any other type of rigid dirigible. 

**** There are also fish that can swim faster (e.g. swordfish) and many birds that can fly/dive faster (e.g. pigeons...and yeah, that good ol’ peregrine falcon), but those don’t require the same limb movement so I’m ignoring them, here.

***** Thinking hares and rabbits are the same is like thinking goats and sheep are the same.

Tales to Astonish #56 - Writer: Stan Lee, Art: Dick Ayers

Image Credits:

https://www.flickr.com/photos/slaclab/39507694265 Photo by Dawn Harmer/SLAC, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

DAC By Tobias1984, CC BY-SA 3.0 

Great White By Elias Levy, CC BY 2.0

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

Easter Evil: 10 Movies With Bunnies Gone Bad

The Easter weekend obviously has its religious meaning but to the more secular among us, it’s really more about marking the beginning of Spring, sunnier weather, warmer temperatures and longer days. Sure, you could get outside more, but seriously, why not just do what you always do and stay inside to watch a movie?

But there are no scary Easter movies, you say. We beg to differ. Easter-approriate movies are out there beyond The Greatest Story Ever Told and Easter Parade, you need only look as far as the 10 scary rabbits and evil bunnies below.

Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)

Let’s start off with something tame, Nick Park’s classic stop-motion animation duo who take a walk on the wild side with this outing that’s part Wolfman, part The Fly, and full of the characteristic British charm of the renowned Aardman Animation studio. When Wallace’s own mad science turns him into a vegetable hungry were-rabbit, Gromit must protect his human companion from the hunter Lord Quartermaine, who’s trying to bag the were-rabbit to impress Lady Tottington. It’s not exactly a scary movie, but like any good horror, The Curse of the Were-Rabbit offers sympathy for the monster, and is a reminder that short cuts to achieve difficult goals – like losing weight by eating more veggies – can have some unintended consequences.

  The Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

There’s nothing in the hat. – Uncle Walt’s magic trick is not exactly what you expect in Joe Dante’s portion of the 1983 anthology film based on the classic Twilight Zone series created by Rod Serling. Borrowing from the series’ well-known Nightmare as a Child episode, Dante’s outing sees the affable Helen drawn into a family home where everything’s off kilter. Little does Helen know that this is not young Anthony’s real family, but surrogates he forcefully recruited after killing his own family with his near infinite, God-like powers. As the coup de grace after dinner, Uncle Walt pulls a rabbit from the hat. But not just any old fluffy bunny, he pulls out a zany, Looney Tunes-esque stop-motion concoction from hell. It scares poor Helen enough to make Anthony start thinking that maybe he’s gone too far…

  Fatal Attraction (1987)

Such flagrant bunny abuse will not be ignored. Fatal Attraction is about a successful New York lawyer named Dan who decides to celebrate having the house to himself for the weekend by having an affair. Unfortunately for him, the object of his limited desire was Alex, who can’t accept that Dan was in it for a good time, and not a long time. As part of an escalating series of violent outbursts, Alex targets Dan’s family, and in one of the film’s most memorable scenes, Dan’s wife Beth comes home to find a boiling pot on the stove. As Beth cautious approaches the pot we see her daughter Ellen run up to the coupe that houses her beloved rabbit. As Ellen cries to Dan that her bunny is missing, Beth takes the lid off the pot and finds *ahem* rabbit stew. Hollywood lore suggests a real dead rabbit was used in the scene, but it’s worth noting that aside from Alex in the film’s finale, the bunny is the only casualty in Fatal Attraction.

  Watership Down (1978)

While not scary in a conventional sense, try not and be disturbed by this animated adaption of the classic Richard Adams novel. The story follows a group of rabbits that try to find a new home for themselves when the seer, Fiver, has a vision of their warren in the English countryside suffering an apocalypse. The rabbits’ quest to find a new sanctuary forces them to go through cats, dogs, hawks, hunters, farmers, death traps, and even other more vicious rabbits, which all adds up to something that looks like Disney version of the Donner Party. Heck, there’s even a rabbit Grim Reaper that appears to our heroes at a couple of key points in the film, including the end when leader Hazel, (voiced by John Hurt by the way), is ushered into the rabbit afterlife. Try not thinking about that when you take the kids to see Peter Rabbit!

  Donnie Darko (2001)

This would not be a complete list of scary rabbits without the most famous imaginary “leporidae” sidekick since Harvey. Or is Frank imaginary? Filled with signs and portents, weird science and teenage angst, a likely imaginary man named Frank in an ill-formed black rabbit costume isn’t the weirdest thing in Donnie Darko. The vision of Frank not only gives Donnie a warning about the end of the world (sort of), but he bolsters in Donnie a new found attitude about exploring the mysteries of time, and casting off the latent hypocrisies of 1980s suburbia. Was Frank ever real? It’s an interesting question, for he might have been a manifestation of Donnie’s new found ability to see through time, or an alter that allowed Donnie to overcome his own shyness. On the other hand, maybe Donnie had a thing for messed up looking rabbit people.

  Sexy Beast (2000)

Some people like hunting rabbits, but in Sexy Beast the rabbit hunts you. Well, sort of. In what might be described as Elmer Fudd’s worst nightmare, ex-convict Gary Dove, played by Ray Winstone, has a vision of a demonic rabbit man riding up to him on horseback, dismounting, and pointing a machine gun at him while he eats a nice meal. It’s like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly with a long-eared Grinch carrying an uzi, and while Ben Kingsley gets all due credit for his truly intimidating (and profanity-laden) performance as a London gangster, try and shake the image of that creepy looking rabbit with a killer instinct.

  The Witch (2015)

When if comes to evil animals in Robert Eggers’ “conventional” (according to him) horror movie, The Witch, a lot of people focus on the goat Black Phillip, but what about the black hare? Young Caleb spots the bunny while out on an early morning hunt with his big sister Thomasin and he chases it even after the horse throws Thomasin off. When Caleb gets lost alone in the woods, he stumbles on a hovel and a young woman that lures him to come inside, which seems like the 17th century equivalent of eating Tide pods, an obvious danger, and you should probably know better, but you just can’t help yourself. But whose fault is it really that Caleb became prey to a witch? The black rabbit, of course!

  Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

While Monty Python is not exactly synonymous with horror, it’s hard to find a rabbit scene more gory then the one in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The titular quest leads Arthur and his knights to a cave guarded by the Rabbit of Caerbannog. Despite the somewhat vague but emphatic warnings by Tim the Enchanter, the Round Table knights are thoroughly unimpressed with their latest challenge, at least until Sir Bors is attacked and decapitated. The Rabbit of Caerbannog proves himself more than a match for the knights, and only the “Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch” is able to deal with the rabbit permanently. There’s a lesson here about not underestimating your opponent. There’s also a lesson that bunnies are bloodsuckers and killers, but that seems to get overlooked.

  Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! (2006)

There is a small, but surprising subgenre of slasher movies about people in bunny suits, but one of the better ones is Easter Bunny, Kill! Kill! It is of a Rob Zombie mold, about hideous low lives who get their proper comeuppance and the one delivering it here is a killer in a bunny mask. It’s highly violent, highly disturbing, and will likely shade every future experience you have with contractors and power tools, but it does have a delightful twist in the end, not to mention a delightfully twisted ending. Not all killers in rabbit costumes are made in the same vein, but if you’re looking for a low-budget horror delight to counteract all those typically bright and cheerful Easter feelings, this is your remedy.

  Night of the Lepus (1972)

A forgotten classic in the science creates big animals horror subgenre, but one that’s fascinating if for nothing else then being about giant mutant rabbits overrunning a small ranching town. In fact, Night of the Lepus makes a nice bookend with Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit because they’re both about using science to find a humane way to reduce the rabbit population, but they’re also about that process going horribly wrong. If you can’t buy the ludicrous concept, that’s fine because the pre-CG effects do nothing to help the suspension of disbelief. The effect of the over running horde of giant rabbits is achieved through a combination of close-ups, miniatures, green screen, and yes, humans in rabbit costumes. Unbelievable? Certainly! A terribly good time on an Easter weekend? Absolutely!

The post Easter Evil: 10 Movies With Bunnies Gone Bad appeared first on Nightmare on Film Street - Horror Movie Podcast, News and Reviews.

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[trekfm]

SO 168: Horny Albino Unicorn Gorilla

Show Title  Standard Orbit 168: Horny Albino Unicorn Gorilla

The Monsters and Creatures of TOS. Part of the U.S.S. Enterprise's five year mission was to seek out new life and new civilizations, and it certainly encountered some bizarre aliens, monsters and creatures in that time. This episode of Standard Orbit is all about those cuddly, adorable, slimy, scaly, secreting, suction cupping monsters of The Original Series.

The Monsters and Creatures of TOS. Part of the U.S.S. Enterprise's five year mission was to seek out new life and new civilizations, and it certainly encountered some bizarre aliens, monsters and creatures in that time. This episode of Standard Orbit is all about those cuddly, adorable, slimy, scaly, secreting, suction cupping monsters of The Original Series. Fifty years on, how do some of these more ambitious creature designs hold up? How do later reinventions of aliens like the Gorn and the Tholians in Enterprise compare to their original incarnations? And the real question of the day, does the Mugato enrich the tapestry of Star Trek?  Hosts Ken Tripp and Zach Moore Feature Welcome to Standard Orbit! (00:01:08) The Creature from M-113 (00:03:15) The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (00:10:38)  So Easy A Caveman Can Do It (00:11:01) Standard Standard Orbit Tangents (00:16:08) An Instinctive Revulsion To Reptiles (00:17:06) No Kill I (00:24:47) Flying Fake Vomit (00:29:23) A Mortal Enemy of the Empire (00:32:27) Horny Albino Unicorn Gorilla (00:34:32) Enriching the Tapestry (00:39:15) A Tangled Web (00:41:00) A Familiar Voice (00:44:51) The Kelvin Monsters (00:48:51) Final Thoughts (00:50:17) Previously on Trek.fm (00:52:39) Thank You for Listening to Standard Orbit (00:53:48)   Production Zach Moore (Editor and Producer)  Ken Tripp (Producer) C Bryan Jones (Executive Producer) Matthew Rushing (Executive Producer) Ken Tripp (Executive Producer) Renee Roberts (Associate Producer) Nicolas Anastassiou (Associate Producer)  Aaron Harvey (Associate Producer) Richard Marquez (Associate Producer) Norman C. Lao (Associate Producer) Richard Marquez (Production Manager) Brandon-Shea Mutala (Patreon Manager)     Send us your feedback!    Twitter: @trekfm        Facebook: http://facebook.com/trekfm        Voicemail: http://www.speakpipe.com/trekfm        Contact Form: http://www.trek.fm/contact        Visit the Trek.fm website at http://trek.fm/        Subscribe in iTunes: http://itunes.com/trekfm        Support the Network!    Become a Trek.fm Patron on Patreon and help us keep our shows coming to you every week. We have great perks for you at http://patreon.com/trekfm        Sponsor    Audible is the premiere source for audiobooks with more than 150,000 titles to choose from, and new titles coming every week. From classics to current bestsellers, and even some of the most famous Star Trek books like Prime Directive, Federation, and Spock’s World, Audible has something for everyone. As a Trek.fm listener you can get a free audiobook of your choice along with a 30-day trial to see just how great Audible is. So give it a try today, catch up on all those classic Star Trek books you’ve yet to read or that latest novel from you favorite author and support the network and our programming at the same time!   

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