#fleursvertes

[sharonstone]

Fleursverts

Did you mean the official Trixya porn blog? I love it they have the best trixya posts

[k-g-designs]

Couleurs & Textures inspirations#fleursvertes #Motifs #texture #regardsurlanature #inspiations #petitcanal #beautedelanature #enchevetrement #expressiondelanauture #ecosystem #peyigwadloup #natureguadeloupe #imageguadeloupe #caribbeannature #montagephotographique #montageartistique #compositonartistique #compositonartistique #k_g_arts #designerguadeloupe #stylisteguadeloupe #stylisteguadeloupeen #artisteguadeloupe #instanature#petitcanal #artvisuel #graphisme#visionoptique (à Petit-Canal)

[i-flood-my-basement]

Katya just posted this @fleursverts @katyaapetrovna

[artificialqueens]

Trixie and Katya's Excellent Playlist - Dancing on my Own - newqueenontheblock

A/N - Hello hello hello! I have returned from the war with a new series, thanks to be consistently inspired by @katyaapetrovna and @fleursverts who kindly share their playlists that correspond with their absolute masterpieces. I’ve been concocting my own playlist over the last couple of weeks to drum up some ideas, and it turns out that I’ve got so many that I can’t fit them all into one story. And so, behold - Trixie and Katya’s Excellent Playlist: a series of one shots in which each story will be based around each song.

This story is based on Dancing on my Own by Robyn, as every Scandinavian or European female pop singer makes me think of Katya, and this song is one of my all time favourites. Male pronouns and drag names on this occasion but this will never stay the same! Be prepared for a little bit of everything. It’s Willam’s birthday, Katya is in his feelings and Trixie has brought along an uninvited guest.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” His drawl carried the last syllable about 5 seconds longer than was necessary.

“I’d rather not. Thank you for averting my attentions, though.”

“Someone had to, you looked like you were about to vomit.” Alaska picked his drink up and let his tongue snake around the straw poking out of his cocktail, letting it settle on his pillowy lips. “So, is this it now? Do we pine in the corners of expensive bars and feel sorry for ourselves instead of enjoying the samples of life?”

Katya turned his neck away from where he had been staring for what he could imagine had been over ten minutes to face his friend. “I’m not pining. I’m just… surprised. I’m surprised, that’s all. Intrigued. My interest is, uh, piqued. Enquiring minds want to know.”

“Oh? And what do they want to know, Kat-ee-yaaaah?” Alaska was getting on the fuzzy side of tipsy now, his drawl becoming more growl-like with each sip of his bright blue drink. He kicked his leg up in the air and lost his balance ever so slightly, falling onto his side on the leather booth seats they had taken up residence on. Katya would have found it endearing if he wasn’t so wound up.

“I wanna know what the fuck he sees in this one.”

Trixie was on the other side of the bar, talking to a guy. A new guy. The new guy. Trixie had propped up against the bar on a stool and was facing Katya’s direction whilst New Guy stood with his back towards him. Katya didn’t mind not being able to see him properly at all. He’d seen a glimpse of his face when he walked in and saw him burrowing into Trixie’s fucking neck and whispering into his ear, so he didn’t need to see any more of him. The other man, however, he couldn’t tear his gaze from. But what was new?

“Oh come on, he’s kind of cute. I would definitely let him suck my dick.”

“That’s not a high standard, you would let anyone suck your dick.” Alaska feigned outrage and threw a straw from his cocktail in Katya’s direction. It hit the floor, obviously. “Besides, he looks like he thinks he’s too masc to suck on some weenies. He’s looking at Trix like he’s a rag doll he wants to throw around.” Katya’s jaw clenched and he grit his teeth, acid seeping its way into his veins. His head turned back into it’s now natural line of sight, catching Trixie fiddling with the bottom of his flannel with one hand and swirling his Whiskey Sour with the other, eyes fixated on New Douche. Restless hands made for a horny Trixie. He remembered that well. “Clearly he must wanna fuck him too if he’s brought him here after two dates. Why did he bring him?”

“Relaaaaaaax, kitty. It’s Willam’s birthday, we’re meant to be letting our hair loose. Besides, this is Trixie we’re talking about. They won’t even hold hands until the sixth date. There’s no way Trixie would sleep with him this early in the game.”

Katya scoffed into his soda.

“Not the Trixie I know.” He winced down his drink as he realised what he had let slip. In the corner of his eye, he could see Alaska’s jaw swung open, off the hinges with shock.

“You’re joking. You’re joking with me!” Katya’s silence answered him. “You didn’t..?”

Katya glanced over and raised his eyebrows, downing the last mouthful of his watered down Pepsi.

“Escandalo.”

“I don’t believe this. I do not. When? Where? HOW?”

“In that order? Okay let’s see, uh - there’s been about ten…ish instances, all with varying circumstances and locations, and I think your mom has a pop-up book that will tell you all the basics of the act of lovemaking so I don’t have to.”

His left ear caught the sound of Trixie using the laugh he usually reserved for people he didn’t find funny but didn’t want to make feel bad and he smirked. He looked back up and his eyes met Alaska’s, which were currently bulging out of his skull.

“You just used the term love-making. And you were only slightly joking. I don’t understand what is happening.”

Katya laughed to himself. Oh well, he’d already said too much. Might as well have some poor fucker to vent to.

“I thought you knew I only bottom if there’s a scented candle or if it’s part of some sweet and nasty love?”

Alaska shot up onto his feet. The generic pop song that had been playing in the bar quietly faded away.

“HE TOPPED YOU?!”

Katya’s stomach dropped as he swung around to see if somehow, everyone had managed to miss the shrill shout that had escaped from Alaska’s plumped up mouth. They hadn’t. There were about twenty people all peeking into their corner of the bar - including Trixie. His eyes scanned through the dim lighting and he saw Katya for the first time that night; he’d been so engrossed in Prick of the Year that the only person he said hello to when he came in fifteen minutes ago was Willam.

Their eyes met and Katya swore he saw Trixie grip his stool to jump off and walk over to him, but he changed his mind before he could blink. All he gave instead was a feeble wave and an unsure smile as Captain Cunt diverted his attention once more with a brand new drink. Katya rolled his eyes to himself before turning his back on the happy couple to face Alaska once more.

“Well gee, Beatrice, thank you for sharing your testimony with the parish. Any other sins you would like to rebuke so publicly?”

“I’m sorry, when I’m in a state of shock I tend to get very loud.”

“I can see that. And for the record, we’ve switched it around quite a lot. I know he always says he’s vers but oh mama does he mean it.”

“I’m literally lost for words. How did I not pick up on that?!”

Katya shrugged.

“Honestly? I guess… we’ve just always been like this with each other just without the actual sex part of it. But now it’s there… I dunno, it’s crazy.” Katya could feel himself on the edge of a ramble, and he couldn’t stop it now. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about this, not even himself. “I’ve never had anything like it. Biggest high I’ve ever had, and I’ve had some fucking highs. And we haven’t even needed to have “The Talk,” it’s just sort of been what it is and that’s that. Back to normal literally ten seconds after. It’s been like eighteen months, I’m surprised no one has found yet. Especially you, he sucked my dick in your dressing room once.”

Alaska screamed, half disgust half amusement. Katya gave a half-hearted laugh back, brain starting to go into overdrive. Alaska saw the smile fade quickly from his face and sat back down next to him, scanning Katya’s eyes. He saw something, and whatever is was made his face turn down with… pity?

“Oh no.”

“What, Brenda, you so shocked that your anus has finally prolapsed?”

“No, luckily that still has a couple more years left before it falls. I can’t say the same for you though.”

Katya’s eyes shot to the floor, his empty soda can, the dance floor. Anywhere other than Alaska’s knowing gaze.

“You’ve lost me now bitch, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Alaska brushed his hand against Katya’s knee, trying to find some way to rein his friend back in and open up a little bit more. Katya fidgeted on his seat, fingers twitching for the feel of a cigarette around them.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

Katya motioned to the waiter to bring him another drink, pretending that she hadn’t heard him twice until Alaska coughed to regain his attention. He turned back to look to the left of Alaska’s face - it’s always easier to bare your vagina when you’re not looking someone directly in the eye. He sucked in a breath through his teeth.

“I would say there is a definite possibility that I have been in love with that man since the day I met him and I will continue to be in love with him until the day my rotted, ravaged body gives up and disintegrates.”

Alaska groaned, head leaning down to rest in his hands. He stayed there for a minute or two, head slowly shaking, leaving Katya alone with his thoughts. He picked the straw out of his drink and started absentmindedly chewing on it. Alaska glanced up at him, face screwed up in confusion.

“If you knew that you were really in love with him, like for real, why did you get yourself into this situation?”

Katya exhaled roughly, and realised he must have been holding his breath since he last spoke.

“I guess… I thought maybe if I just did it, my obsession would die down. You know what I’m like, I wanna fuck someone so bad for so long and then the second I take my dick out of them I’m repulsed.” He glanced back over to the other side of the bar, where Trixie was now introducing New Dick to Tatianna and Adore. He felt a lead boot kick him in the gut. “But not this one. This one had the opposite effect.” He kept his gaze on Trixie, the sight in front of him both calming his breathing and boiling his blood.

“Have you stopped sleeping with other people?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck, Kat.”

“Yeah.”

“You told him?”

“No.”

“You asked him if he feels the same way?”

“No.”

“You think you should?”

Katya turned back to face Alaska. He could see the glassy look in Katya’s eyes, his pupils singing stories he could never say out loud, and he knew he was fucked.

Katya’s voice came out in a strangled whisper.

“I’m scared that I would lose him.”

Alaska’s shoulders deflated, oozing sympathy towards the blonde. He scooted over to Katya and threw his arm over his shoulder, bringing him into what he hoped was a comforting hug, and sighed.

“Yeah, I know that feeling sweetie.”

They sat in silence for a song or two, Alaska’s arm still around Katya, his thumb slowly swiping along his bicep. After a while, their peaceful reflection time was interrupted by a blizzard of blonde crimped hair and a foghorn voice.

“Heeeeeeeeey cunts!”

Willam was very, very drunk. And he was also the only one there in drag tonight, under his own orders. He slumped down on the seat next to them, dropping his beer bottle as he sat and smashing it all over his stilettoed feet. Completely oblivious to the shards of glass now making their way into his shoes, he grabbed onto the top of his wig and jostled it about, getting it back into formation, raising one perfectly covered eyebrow at the sight in front of him.

“What, we killing ourselves tonight or something?” He stuck a finger out and waggled it towards them. “This shit looks depressing.”

“Don’t worry, Barbra, no blood shall be spilt tonight unless it is for sexual purposes. Sweet Justin here was merely consoling Grandma over her recent menopause.”

Willam dug into his bag and pulled out his compact and lipstick.

“Mazel. Now, you fags need to get the fuck outta my birthday booth. I’m about to suck some dick.”

He started slicking colour over his lips and glanced back over when he realised they hadn’t moved.

“Let me phrase that differently. I’m about to suck some dick, whether you’re sat there or not.”

Katya jumped up.

“Yep, that’ll do it. Come on, let’s go and dance. Mother needs to knock her knees.”

The pair made their way onto the dance floor, saying brief hellos to friends on the way. Tatianna and Adore were in the middle of the floor, doing some kind of pre-choreographed routine to Holler by Spice Girls.

“Lasky, Kitty, over here dudes!” Adore beckoned them over with one hand whilst adjusting their invisible headset with another. They waddled their way through the thickening crowd and all embraced each other in a four way hug. Mel B’s vocals quieted quickly as the DJ pressed his microphone too close to his lips.

“Looky what we have here, ladies and gays - the rightful top four of All Stars 2!”

All four of them laughed, Tatianna giggling as Alaska threw his hand up and clicked towards the DJ booth shouting “See me with them croooowwwns!” Right on cue, Read U Wrote U came blaring out of the speakers, the now packed bar erupting into cheers and squeals. Katya groaned and looked at Alaska, begging her to take pity and let her go outside for just one fucking cigarette.

“Come on Kat, dance. Forget about him just for a moment and have some fun. Lose yourself in the

bop, Grandma.”

Katya nodded. He was right, he needed to let his rapidly thinning hair down and enjoy his night with his friends, and try not to think about the big black sky above him threatening to pour down any second.

His arms started to sway softly, muscle memory refusing to let him stand still. His body knew this game too well, and performance mode was kicking in fast. His hip muscles twitched, knowing they would be needed in a few minutes if he decided to pound his untucked pussy into the floor. For Katya, there was nothing like the release of performing, the way you could pour your entire soul out and only put the bits back in that you wanted to. It was therapy in its most extravagant form, and Katya got paid for it every night. It almost made up for the fact that he needed it every night.

The songs all merged into one as Katya flew free from the tension that had riddled his muscles all night. He imagined himself on a stage; not just a tiny box in an overpacked bar filled with twinks and dollar bills, but a theatre, the Opera House, Madison Square Gardens. He was Roxy Hart on her opening night in Broadway, a beautiful witch of a woman who lured every man with the sway of her hips and the wiggle of her shoulders, and killed them if they broke her heart. He span around in circles, faster and faster, trying to turn his rags into a gown with glass slippers, ready to go to the Ball and be whisked away by Prince Charming.

The clock struck twelve and the lights came up, the signal for everyone to migrate from the swanky bar to the club just across the road. Katya blinked, out of his trance. Alaska was making his way towards the cloak room, shouting back at Katya - “leather jacket, right?” Adore and Tatianna were grafting hard on two Hispanic men they had been grinding on five minutes ago, begging them to join them in the club.

Katya looked around like he had just woken up from the most incredible nap. He had taken himself to another world, and god only knows there were probably twenty people filming his questionable moves as he transported onto another plane, one where he was dancing towards Trixie.

Trixie.

He spun around once more, finding his stool for the night unoccupied. He couldn’t have gone without saying goodbye, right? He walked towards Alaska, who had finally pushed his way into the cloakroom queue and had retrieved their jackets.

“Thanks. Hey, you wanna go next door and carry on the party or dya think-”

He glanced over Alaska’s shoulder at just the wrong time. Maybe the right time. Trixie was five feet away from him; up against the wall, lids fluttered shut over rolling eyes, New Guy’s hands learning the curves of his body quicker than Katya liked. Trixie was sloppy drunk, licking the douchebag’s teeth before he slipped his tongue back inside his mouth. Bile crept up his throat. He couldn’t look away.

Alaska carried on talking, drunk and clueless, Katya nodding slowly to make him think he was listening. Trixie’s eyes stayed shut as The Leech was sucking on his neck, one half of his mouth curling slowly into the lopsided grin that always made Katya’s knees buckle. Trixie was pulling on his earlobe as Hannibal fucking Lecter was working on his neck. Trixie always did that to him, he asked him to do it the first time they were together. His now opened eyes fell on to Katya’s and they could have been laser beams for how Trixie jolted, pushing the bloodsucker away and telling him to get their jackets. His hand came up to his neck, trying to hide the newly forming bruises. They looked each other dead in the eye for a minute, Katya forcing his face to stay calm and resolute. Trixie looked like a four year old who was about to be told off for stealing a cookie by his mom and swear his dad said he could have it. The bar had almost cleared out now, the only sound coming from the muffled din of the people around them.

“I think I’m gonna go home, Alaska. I know when my presence is no longer needed.”

Trixie took a ragged breath in through his nose and opened his mouth. Katya raised an eyebrow, waiting. Trixie clamped his lips shut again as New Guy returned, slinging his jacket over his shoulder with one hand and slapping Trixie’s ass with the other. Trixie kept his gaze on Katya, pleading eyes asking him for more time.

“You ready babe?”

God, he even sounded like a total fucking asshole.

Trixie finally tore his eyes away from Katya, looking at the door instead of looking up at Prick of the Year. He nodded and let him lead him out of the bar, staring at his feet the whole time.

Katya turned to apologise to Alaska, but he was gone. Probably stumbled over to the club, he thought. He put his coat on, adjusting the stiff collar. Behind him, he heard Willam in his sex booth coming up for air.

“Ketchup! Has everyone gone? Good, I don’t like any of those fuckers anyway. Wanna come join?”

Katya laughed, for real this time. A few months ago, he would have been lubing himself up before Willam had even finished his sentence. Now all he could think about was someone else tracing over marks he had created over and over, taking journeys over curves that Trixie had sworn belonged to him in hushed moans in between his stupid pink bed sheets. He wondered if Trixie was picturing him when he closed his eyes. And he wondered what the fuck he was gonna do about it.

“Happy Birthday, you cunt. I’ll see you later, I’ve just realised I forgot to say goodnight to someone.”

[adoredykelano]

Would you happen to have any RPDR blog recs? I'm pretty much in love with Trixie and Peppermint. Idk when this happened, but I blame/thank you for it. So far I've just been scouring tags but like, haven't really found any to follow. o_o;;

OH BOY DO I

@katyaapetrovna @dahliasforkatya @lesbianyekaterina @kirschebombe @fleursverts @sashaseyebrows @whotfisgina @papitati @sashasvelour @beatricethickumsmattel @onlyvalentina 

[boonoir]

Saw this and it reminded me of @kirschebombe and @fleursverts and the smut I love so much 😅

[beccabrodtman-blog]

d by: @kirschebombe and @fleursverts rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people SORRY NO TAGGING FOR ME the last 1. drink: water
2. phone call: my crazy ass Sponsor
3. text message: AuntDeb
4. song you listened to: Layla!
5. time you cried: it's been a while actually, shocking cause crying is my fav pastime 6. dated someone twice: ohhh yea
7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha obviously 
8. been cheated on: my first relationship,two years in he left me for one of my best friends..but we got back together and lasted a total of 7 years
9. lost someone special: in 2006 my Dad died, I was 16
10. been depressed: depression is another one of my favorites, I've been depressed for the past fifteen years baby
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yeah, I usually force myself so I can actually drink more 3 favorite colors
12. blue
13. black
14. More Blue in the last year have you
15. made new friends: more like acquaintances 
16. fallen out of love: nah, love free 17. laughed until you cried: maybe?
18. found out someone was talking about you: Honey, all girls talk shit about me because they're insecure. All my friends are male...and I ain't tryin to try w ya crusty ass man
19. met someone who changed you: a few people in AA 20. found out who your friends are: I don't really do friends 
21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: not this year general
22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I'd say 75 percent of them...I love me some Drag Queens 
23. do you have any pets: well there's my handsome cat Charlie, he's the love of my life! One of my hamsters passed away last month but I still have his brother, Bartholomew, I've had them since they were conceived and he's over 2 years old meow 
24. do you want to change your name: I’m pretty cool w Becca Brodtman...gotta love alliteration!
25. what did you do for your last birthday: I cried...a lot 
26. what time did you wake up: 11 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching Friends 
28. name something you can’t wait for: happiness
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: annhour ago 31. what are you listening to right now: Impractical Jokers laughing
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yea my uncle and my cousin
33. something that is getting on your nerves: people not getting the hint…
34. most visited website: tumblr for sure
35. hair colour: it's really blue rn 
36. long or short hair: long
37. do you have a crush on someone: nah
38. what do you like about yourself: my empathy is both a blessing and a curse
39. piercings: gauges, four holes in my ears, my septum and my nostril...I had snakebites but I started developing a lisp
40. blood type: I honestly wish I knew
41. nickname: Tyrannosaur Bex
42. relationship status: single and completely uninterested 
43. zodiac: Pisces with Scorpio Moon and Pisces as my rising too 44. pronouns: she/they
45. favourite tv show: other than drag race? Chrisley Knows Best and FRIENDS 
46. tattoos: prime on ny wrist, daddy's guitar picks on both wrists and the Stone Temple Pilots clover from Shangri La Di Da on my ankle
47. right or left handed: right
48. surgery: na
49. piercing: … 
50. sport: I’m really good at badminton 
51. vacation: anywhere
52. pair of trainers: ...I'm a boot kinda girl
53. eating: nada
54. drinking: water
55. i’m about to: smoke a cigarette 56. waiting for: nada
57. want: a life 58. get married: probably never
59. career: I want to develop video games 
60. hugs or kisses: I'm a hugger
61. lips or eyes: eyes 
62. shorter or taller: taller
63. older or younger: younger 
64. nice arms or nice stomach: idc 
65. hook up or relationship: at this point neither, it's too stressful 
66. troublemaker or hesitant: trouble 
67. kissed a stranger: yeah
68. drank hard liquor: yes
69. lost glasses/contact lenses: or just left them in my eyes for a few months yep that's me
70. turned someone down: always
71. sex on the first date: if I'm drunk
72. broken someone’s heart: probably
73. had your heart broken: yes
74. been arrested: no
75. cried when someone died: yes
76. fallen for a friend: yes do you believe in
77. yourself: maybe 
78. miracles: I believe everything happens for a reason 
79. love at first sight: haha, I believe in past lives possibly connecting us
80. santa claus: when I found out santa wasn't real, my life was NEVER the same.
81. kiss on the first date: If that's how I want it
82. angels: I believe in Spirits, Energies and Astral Beings....Im an Empath..if you don't know what that means you should look it up(if you're bored)
83. current best friend’s name: My Mom and Banker, the guy I was with for 7 years...we besties meow
84. eye colour: blue!
85. favourite movie: I love movies, can't pick one but Jurassic Park, Lord of The Rings, Romy and Michelle...White Oleander, Goodfellas, Night At the Roxbury!

[adoredykelano]

GOD i want to kiss katya and i want to lick her chest and bite her shoulders

sodhfjndguidgkjdfjfgnfg

@lesbianyekaterina @fleursverts collect your anONS

[artificialqueens]

For the anon who wanted an older Katya and younger trixie, I seriously suggest @fleursverts Are You Good? it is the hottest trixya fic I've ever read

[artificialqueens]

girls like dollies chapter 9 (trixya) - lale

I say it every time I update, but I truly honestly cannot explain what it means to me to see the reaction from everyone to this fic. We’re almost at the end now, so I hope you all enjoy this update! As always, all the love and thanks in the world to Matilda and fleursverts, who are actual angels from heaven and are so much of the reason why this fic continues to get written!! i love you ladies!

Thankfully, Trixie had only managed to be a complete bitch to one of her best friends, so when Kim saw how distraught Trixie was she sat down beside her, pulling her into a hug. Trixie leaned into her, bawling into Kim’s shoulder until her throat was raw and her eyes were puffy.

“Trixie, what happened? Did you have a fight with Katya?” Kim asked, squeezing Trixie’s shoulder. Trixie burst into a fresh wave of sobs, clinging to Kim’s arms. Her phone buzzed by her ankle and Kim went to pick it up for her, but Trixie grabbed her arm.

“Don’t,” she choked out, while Kim looked up at her in confusion.

“Trixie, your mom’s calling you. Don’t you want to talk to her?” she asked.

“Why is she calling me now? Why does it have to be now? She didn’t want to talk to me for months, she didn’t want to know where I was or if I was okay but now she’s decided she wants to call me and call me and I don’t know why!” Trixie’s words were filled with anger and upset, and she kicked her buzzing phone across the room. It spun under Pearl’s bed and she heard a crack as it collided with the wall.

“Trixie, Trixie, hey, come on,” Kim said, and Trixie realized she was shaking, hands curled into tight fights. She opened them and saw deep red crescent marks against her palms.

“Fuck,” she breathed. Kim rubbed her arm gently, and Trixie sniffed, rubbing her eyes. She could only imagine what she looked like, makeup all over her face, but it didn’t matter. “I fucked up so bad, Kim, she’s never gonna talk to me again.”

“Your mom?” Kim sounded confused. Trixie shook her head.

“Katya. Fuck, Kim, I was such a bitch to her.” Trixie put her head in her hands again, acid burning the back of her throat as she relived all of the terrible things she’d said to Katya. She’d told her that kissing her had meant nothing, but it had meant everything. That was the problem.

“Trixie, it’ll be okay. Everyone knows how well you two get along, you’ll figure it out,” Kim assured her, brushing Trixie’s hair back lightly. “You can’t have said—”

“I kissed her, Kim.” Trixie let the words hang in the air between them. At first she felt sick, desperate to take the words back and carry on pretending it had never happened. But Kim didn’t freak out, didn’t pull away from her. She did shift a little and Trixie looked up to see Pearl and Violet in the doorway, Pearl had her stupid ‘Pearl face’ on that said she knew they’d walked in at precisely the wrong moment. Violet, on the other hand, looked positively gleeful.

“It’s about fucking time!” she said, crossing the room to perch on Pearl’s bed.

“What do you mean?” Trixie asked. Her face was burning hot, she couldn’t believe that she’d not only blurted it out to Kim but to Pearl and Violet, too.

“What, are we supposed to be surprised?” Violet asked, arching one perfect dark brow at Trixie. Trixie blinked back at her, dumbstruck. “Pearly, are you surprised?” Violet asked. Pearl looked between Violet and Trixie.

“Oh, sure. Gasp, right?” she said in her low, slow voice, and to Trixie’s surprise she left Violet sitting on her own to sit on Trixie’s other side, wrapping an arm around her back. She set her chin on Trixie’s shoulder, and Trixie let herself relax a little bit.

Kim knew. Pearl knew, Violet knew, they all knew she’d kissed Katya, kissed another girl, and no one had had any kind of extreme reaction. Violet actually seemed happy, even if Trixie had no idea why she’d been expecting it. A little of the unbearable tightness in her chest loosened, and she let out a long, slow breath.

“Girl, you’re kind of a mess,” Violet pointed out from Pearl’s bed, and Trixie had to laugh.

“No shit, Vi. You know, this is why you’re supposed to tell us whether you’re insulting us or not when you talk, so you don’t sound like a complete bitch every time you open your mouth,” she said, and Violet threw her head back in a laugh.

“For real, though, what happened? Why are you so upset if you and Katya finally kissed?” she asked.

“It wasn’t finally. It’s not – it’s not like that. I’m not like that,” Trixie said, flustered. Violet rolled her eyes.

“You’re kidding, right?”

‘Violet,” Pearl said in warning, squeezing Trixie’s side.

“No, come on. We’ve all seen the way Katya looks at her, it’s ridiculous! I’m surprised it took until now for something to happen,” Violet said.

“What do you mean, the way she looks at me?” Trixie asked. Pearl turned to look at her.

“It’s kind of obvious,” she said, voice kind. Trixie wasn’t used to this side of Pearl. Sure, they got along just fine, but normally most of their conversations were made up of them throwing shade at each other and teaming up to make fun of Kim.

“She looks at you like Pearl and Violet look at each other,” Kim added.

“Please, we’re not that disgusting,” Violet retorted, long ponytail swishing around her shoulders.

“We’re really not,” Pearl agreed.

“It’s not like that,” Trixie protested weakly.

“Why not?” Kim asked. She sounded like she was being carefully patient with Trixie, as if she was a small child she was trying to reason with.

“Because I’m not – Kim, you know I’m not…” Trixie trailed off, swallowing hard.

“Trixie, there’s nothing wrong with liking girls,” Kim said gently.

“I know there’s not!”

“Is there anything wrong with Pearl and Violet?” Kim asked. Pearl tucked her chin in, putting on her goofiest smile. Trixie managed a weak laugh.

“Individually, sure,” she said, smiling at Pearl, “but not with them being together.”

“Then why is it any different for you?” Violet interjected, leaning forward. She had a serious expression on her face.

“It just isn’t me!” Trixie said. She squeezed her eyes shut as every vicious insult that had ever been hurled at her came rushing back, every whisper and snigger behind her back at school. Kim squeezed her hand.

“Trixie,” she said in a quiet voice. Trixie focused in on her, opening her eyes again. Kim was looking into her eyes, and she gave Trixie a reassuring smile. Trixie squeezed her hand back, trying to calm herself. “It’s okay,” Kim said, and Pearl nodded against her shoulder. “Tell me what happened with Katya just now. I’m assuming that wasn’t when you kissed her?” Trixie shook her head.

“Last night,” she said.

“No wonder you were such a zombie this morning,” Pearl said.

“And just now?” Kim prompted.

“God, I was such a bitch to her. She was trying so hard to be nice to me and I wouldn’t let her,” Trixie admitted, looking down at her lap.

“What did you say? It can’t be that bad,” Pearl said.

“It can. I said – jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me? I brought up all that stuff you told me about her parents having to pay to get her back in here.” Trixie winced, filled with self-loathing as she remembered how shocked and upset Katya had been at the angry words Trixie threw at her. There was a beat of silence, and then Violet groaned.

“Pearl, please tell me you weren’t the one who told her that?” she said, sounding pained. Trixie looked over at Pearl in surprise.

“I was just telling her what I knew,” Pearl said, shrugging. “She asked!”

“Pearl! You don’t know any of that. Poor Kat, I wish people would stop spreading that stupid rumour,” Violet said, sighing.

“So it’s not even true?” Trixie asked, even more mortified. How could she have been so stupid as to believe some crazy rumour about Katya without even trying to ask her about it.

“I don’t know. She doesn’t talk about it with anyone, except maybe Ginger. But there’s been so many rumours flying around about it, I’m not surprised you ended up hearing that one,” Violet said, shrugging. “No wonder she was so upset, if you said that to her.”

“Don’t remind me! I bet she’ll never want to talk to me again,” Trixie said, wiping her eyes again as fresh, hot tears spilled over her cheeks. Knowing she’d upset Katya for no reason other than her own uncertainty and fear was the worst feeling in the world.

“Don’t be overdramatic. Go and apologise to her, it’ll be alright. You’re sorry, right?” Violet said.

“Of course I am!”

“It’ll be fine. She loves you,” Pearl said beside her, voice full of certainty. Trixie bit the inside of her cheek, a little overwhelmed.

“What the fuck is buzzing?” Violet said, patting her hands over the covers on Pearl’s bed. She reached her arm down its side, sitting back up with Trixie’s phone in her hand and a horrified look on her face. “I think someone’s trying to call you,” she said, holding it out to Trixie. The screen was cracked almost diagonally, but it was still lit up to show that her mom was calling. Trixie hesitated and the buzzing stopped.

“11 missed calls? Maybe you should answer,” Pearl said, reading the screen.  Trixie took the phone and turned it off, setting it on her bed behind her.

“Ok-ay,” Violet said, drawing the word out and raising an eyebrow at Trixie. Her gaze flickered over to Kim, and Trixie could see in her peripheral vision the shake of her head Kim gave her. Trixie was grateful; she had no interest in trying to explain her family to Violet and Pearl right then. She was too tired.

“I’m gonna go see if Katya will talk to me,” she decided. It hadn’t felt right last night, not talking to Katya, and it felt even worse now. She had to try to fix it, if Katya would let her.

Pearl pulled away from her, going to sit with Violet. Her hand migrated to Violet’s knee and Violet smiled at her, pushing Pearl’s hair back from her forehead. Trixie watched them for a moment. They didn’t act all that differently from the way she had with Katya all this time, sharing space and familiarity with each other. Maybe she could see why Violet had guessed something would happen, if perhaps she’d something of herself and Pearl in them.

Was that what Trixie wanted with Katya? It scared her, overwhelmed her to think that it was, but not as much as the thought of not having her in her life did. Katya made her feel special, important; they made sense when they were together, just as Katya had said last night. They fit together, naturally, even when Trixie had been fighting it with every fiber of her being. But maybe she was tired of fighting.

She paused by her mirror, sighing and wiping away the worst of the black mascara smeared around her eyes, before she went to the door. She felt a little sick as she walked down the hallway towards Katya’s and Ginger’s room, worried about the reception she’d get. She’d do anything to get Katya to forgive her, and she just had to hope that Katya would be willing to let her.

When she reached their room she knocked on the door, stomach full of butterflies. “Katya?” she said, leaning in close to the doorframe and listening. Nothing. “Kat? Can I come in, please?” There was no response again, and Trixie hesitated before putting her hand on the door handle.

The door opened from the other side and Ginger appeared, quickly pulling the door shut behind her. Trixie peered past her and for a moment her eyes locked with Katya’s. She was curled up on her bed, so small, and Trixie could see from the redness around her eyes how upset she was.

“You need to leave,” Ginger said, drawing Trixie’s attention to her. Trixie blinked at her, and Ginger huffed, crossing her arms across her chest. “Jesus, you look like a fucking mess. Good. I don’t know what the fuck you said to her, but I think you should leave her alone.” Trixie was surprised at that. Katya hadn’t told Ginger what she’d said to her, what they’d been fighting about? She felt even more guilty at the idea that, even after how awful Trixie had been to her, Katya was still keeping quiet. She knew it had to be for Trixie’s sake; it was typical of Katya to be thoughtful even when Trixie had been the biggest bitch in the world.

“I just want to apologise,” Trixie tried to explain, but Ginger shook her head.

“I don’t think so, not now.”

“Ginger, come on—”

“I mean it. Leave her alone for a while,” Ginger said firmly. Trixie’s mouth opened and shut, but then she swallowed around the lump in her throat.

“Will you please just tell her that I’m sorry? I’m so sorry, I was a fucking idiot,” she said, fixing Ginger with an earnest look that she hoped put across how serious she was.

“Alright,” Ginger agreed, and Trixie hoped she meant it. She nodded, taking a step back from her. Ginger went back into her room, and even though Trixie tried to lean around enough to look inside she couldn’t see anything past Ginger before the door shut behind her.

By the time Trixie got back to her room, Violet and Pearl were curled up in each other, legs tangled together and foreheads touching as they giggled over something in one of Violet’s fashion magazines. Kim offered her a warm, reassuring smile and Trixie returned it with a tiny one of her own as she sat down on her own bed, picking up her phone again. She felt a little mournful as she ran her finger over the crack along its screen. She turned it on again, turning to her desk to take the ruins of her makeup off and grab her headphones while it turned back on. Finding her favourite Dolly playlist, she curled herself up into a ball and opened up her messages with Katya. Her fingers hovered over the screen as she considered what to write, looking at the messages Katya had sent her since the night before.

Katya: hey, can we talk in the morning?

Katya: sorry about this morning, I know you were busy. I hope rehearsals go well, maybe we can talk later?

Trixie was reminded over and over how unfair she’d been to Katya; no matter what had happened, Katya was always kind to her, a good friend, and she didn’t deserve the way Trixie had treated her. She chewed on her lip, staring at her phone’s screen for a long moment before beginning to type.

Trixie: I’m so sorry about earlier. I never ever wanted to hurt you but I did and I had no good reason to, you didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t want you to think that I talk about you with the other girls, you’re totally right I should have asked you about what I’d heard instead of throwing some stupid rumour in your face because I was upset. I really hope you can forgive me because you’re my best friend, you’re the best person I’ve ever met and I can’t imagine not having you in my life even if that sounds crazy. Maybe we can talk tomorrow, if you want to? I’m so sorry, Katya, I’ll keep apologizing forever xxx

Trixie considered her message for a few moments, reading it over before sending it. She could only hope it was the first step in showing Katya how sorry she was for hurting her and how badly she wished she could take it all back. She set her phone beside her, unable to stop herself from watching it to see if Katya was going to respond. She was so tired, exhausted from the constant emotional turmoil that had been going on since last night, and she could feel her eyelids drooping. Dolly’s voice was soothing in her ears, and Trixie was too tired to think about the confusing emotions that had been plaguing her about the two of them.

Trixie was on the edge of sleep when her phone screen lit up brighter, and she immediately grabbed it, wide awake. Katya was typing, and her stomach tightened as she watched the three dots below her message. After a minute, they disappeared, and Trixie waited, holding her breath, to see what Katya would say.

A message never came through. Katya had stopped typing and she didn’t start again, and Trixie fell asleep with a heavy weight on her chest as she wondered if Katya would be able to forgive her.

***

Trixie woke early the next morning, headphones tangled around her and the tinny sound of her music playing against her pillow. The first thing she did was grab her phone, unable to stop the crushing disappointment that filled her when she saw that Katya still hadn’t replied to her. She sighed, drawing her knees up to her chest. With a little more sleep in her and the fresh perspective of a new day, Trixie was even more angry at herself for the way she’d treated Katya. It was no wonder, really, that she didn’t want to talk to her.

Trixie was going to have to do her best to change her mind. She slid out of bed, stretching her arms above her head and trying to take deep, calming breaths the way she’d seen Katya do in her impromptu yoga sessions. She had another day of rehearsals, and she was going to get herself together and do her best before she could focus on trying to win Katya back over. She was determined, and she knew she could make it work. She had to, there wasn’t an alternative; not one she was going to consider, anyway.

Once she was dressed, Trixie went to brush her teeth. It was early on a Sunday morning so there was no one else around, the hallway dark and quiet. She locked herself in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror as she brought her toothbrush to her mouth. A trembling hand gripped the sink.

“I,” she whispered to herself, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment before forcing them open. “I like her. I liked kissing her. I want to kiss her – I want to kiss Katya again.” Her words were barely audible, but it didn’t matter. She was the one who need to hear them.

She looked into her own eyes as she moved her toothbrush around her mouth, specs of white toothpaste on her lips. She’d expected saying the words aloud to make her crumble, but somehow she felt lighter. Kim and Pearl and Violet all knew she’d kissed Katya, she’d admitted it to herself that she wanted to again, and the world hadn’t ended. She didn’t exactly feel the urge to shout it out loud to the whole world, but the idea of it didn’t make her want to curl up and cry, either. She spat into the sink and wiped her mouth, fluffing her hair up a little at the roots before leaving the bathroom.

Everything was going to be okay. It had to be.

As Trixie walked back to her bedroom, she wondered if she should try to talk to Katya now. Maybe she was asleep, it was so early and Katya didn’t have rehearsals all day, she had no reason to be awake. Maybe she’d be wide awake and she’d tell Trixie to fuck off the moment she saw her. Maybe she’d be curled up in bed, half asleep on a slow Sunday morning, and she’d let Trixie crawl under the covers beside her and whisper apologies to her until things were okay.

Trixie hesitated by her door, looking down the hallway towards Katya’s room as she tried to decide what to do. It was quiet, so when there was a series of footsteps hurrying up the stairs to their floor she looked over at the stairwell.

“Ms Mattel, really, we don’t usually have parents show up unannounced like this. Does your daughter know you’re coming, is there something wrong?” Trixie’s grip on the door handle tightened at what Ms Visage was saying. She couldn’t have…

The door to the hallway burst open and Trixie saw her mom standing there. When she spotted Trixie her eyes lit up.

“Mom?” Trixie said, voice shocked. She started to take a step towards her, and the door opened again behind her. Ms Visage appeared, looking flustered. She wasn’t the only one. Trixie swallowed hard at the tall figure who followed her, leaning back against her door. He was here.

[artificialqueens]

girls like dollies chapter 8 (trixya) - lale

Thanks for the lovely feedback on the last chapter! I truly treasure every single comment. As always, I’m so grateful to Matilda and fleursverts for being the best <3

Trixie barely slept that night, tossing and turning in her bed as she replayed everything over and over in her head. She knew she’d been a mess all evening, snapping at Kim when she tried to ask if everything was okay and burrowing herself under her covers until she was sure Kim and Pearl were asleep. She felt too hot and ready to crawl out of her skin, desperate to claw at it and escape the uncomfortable tightness that had settled in her chest. Her phone lay abandoned by her bed; she didn’t want to check it, too afraid of any messages Katya might have sent her – and a little afraid that there might not be any messages at all. It was as if she could still feel her, the press of Katya’s soft lips against her own and the light touch of her fingertips on Trixie’s jaw, her back, in her hair. There was an ache in the pit of Trixie’s stomach that she didn’t want to put a name to, and she curled herself into a tight ball and tried to shut her brain off, eyes squeezed shut.

She thought she might have dozed off into a fitful sleep for a little while in the early hours of the morning, but by the time her alarm went off she didn’t feel rested at all, eyes hot and itchy and mouth dry as she dragged herself out of bed.

“You look like shit,” Pearl said as Trixie shuffled towards the door, trying to push her hair back from her eyes and snagging her fingers in a knot.

“Fuck off,” Trixie replied flatly. Her whole body felt heavy, weighing her down as she thought ahead to the day in front of her. Although she was dreading a full day of rehearsals on so little sleep, at least it meant she could easily avoid Katya for the rest of the day. Katya normally slept in on the weekends, so Trixie figured she could feasibly stay away from her until dinner – maybe even for the whole day if she could persuade Kim to bring her snacks so she wouldn’t have to go to dinner at all.

Trixie snagged her shower things and opened the door, rubbing her tired eyes.

“Trixie?” Her head whipped around in surprise at the sound of Katya’s voice, and she found her standing halfway down the corridor between their rooms. She looked tired and worried, one socked foot shifting as she wrapped her arms around herself, pulling her oversized shirt closer to herself. She offered Trixie a small, hopeful smile; she seemed more vulnerable than Trixie had ever seen her and it made something deep in her chest ache.

“I have to shower,” she said, turning away from Katya. She felt a familiar hand lightly touch her arm and Trixie jerked away from her, head down as she walked quickly to the showers.

When she emerged, Katya was gone.

***

“Trixie, is something wrong?” Max’s voice snapped Trixie out of her stupor, and Trixie blinked at her for a moment before plastering what she hoped counted as a smile onto her face.

“I’m just tired, that’s all. I didn’t sleep well last night,” she said. She wasn’t surprised Max was asking; she’d been a mess for the whole of rehearsals all morning, missing her cues and forgetting her lines until they had to abandon one of her scenes altogether for the day.

“You poor thing,” Max said, squeezing Trixie’s arm lightly. Trixie wasn’t sure she deserved Max’s sympathy.

“I’ll be fine, really. I just need to get out of here,” Trixie said honestly. She needed to clear her head and that definitely wasn’t going to happen in a stifling theatre, surrounded by the other girls and trying to pay attention to the rehearsals. She carefully extracted her arm from Max’s grip and drew her knees to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. She stayed quiet for the rest of the morning, ignoring the looks the other girls shot her and trying – and failing – not to let herself think too much about the night before.

Trixie had no idea what came next. How did they go back to normal from here? How could she forget what it felt like to have Katya’s body crowded against hers, what she tasted like, the way she moaned against Trixie’s lips? Trixie squeezed her arms tightly around her legs, nails digging into her forearms.

Trixie was quiet during their short lunch break, sitting herself a seat away from the other girls and drinking two cups of coffee until her hands were trembling. She toyed with her salad, leaving it mostly untouched by the time they went back to rehearsals. She didn’t fare much better than she had in the morning, fumbling over her lines and retreating to the corner whenever she could. She didn’t feel like herself. She couldn’t figure out why this had turned into such a big deal – it was just a stupid kiss, right? Katya was her best friend, her best friend who’d always been incredibly tactile with her from the very first day they’d met. It was a weird environment at RuPaul’s, holed up every day with only a handful of other girls for company; it was hardly any wonder that something like this had happened. It didn’t have to mean anything! So why was there such a deep ache in her chest?

Trixie was practically overwhelmed with relief when they were finally released for the day, grabbing her things and dashing out of the theatre when Ms Visage gave her a Look that suggested she wanted to know what had happened to turn Trixie into such a mess. Ignoring the other girls as they chatted happily together, Trixie kept her head down as she headed straight back to her bedroom. It had never really bothered her that she had to share a room here until now, but she knew Kim was working on a design project with Naomi and Pearl normally spent her weekends with Violet, so hopefully she’d have some peace and quiet.

Trixie: please can you bring me snacks from dinner later?

Kim: what’s wrong with you?

Trixie: please?

Kim: ?????

Trixie: im just tired please

Kim: youre tired because??

Trixie: because i didn’t sleep a lot last night

Kim: you didn’t sleep a lot last night because??

Trixie: fuck kim please just get me something to eat or don’t i don’t even care

Kim: 😳 fine

Trixie nudged the door open to her room, stopping short as it swung shut behind her. Pearl was splayed out on her bed, sketchbook in front of her and muted music playing out of her phone as Violet sat perched beside her, nails tapping against the screen of her phone. Tucked into the corner of the window seat was Katya, looking out of the window with a cigarette dangling from her fingertips. The sun was setting behind her where she was curled up with her legs underneath her, and Trixie could see the chipped pink polish on her toes. Her hair was pulled up into a tangled mess of a ponytail, oversized flannel draped over her thighs and brushing against her knees. She was beautiful, and Trixie’s heart ached.

“Oh,” Trixie said, too tired to stop herself from reacting aloud. Katya’s head snapped towards her, and she quickly stubbed her cigarette against the window frame and tossed it outside.

“Hi,” she said, uncurling her legs and moving to stand up.

“What are you doing here? This isn’t actually your room, you know,” Trixie said, fiddling with the edges of her phone case. Pearl and Violet were watching them, and she wanted to turn and run out of the room.

“I want to talk to you,” Katya replied. She looked uncertain, a little taken aback by Trixie’s reaction to finding her here. Good, Trixie thought. She was exhausted and had no desire to talk to Katya about what had happened, and she didn’t like that Katya had basically trapped her in her own room.

“Come on,” Pearl said to Violet in a low voice, gathering her sketchbook and phone under one arm and taking Violet’s hand in the other.

“Are you kidding me? I wanna know what’s going on!” Violet said, trying to resist Pearl’s tugs on her hand before huffing. “Fine!” she said dramatically, letting Pearl lead her out of the room. Trixie watched them go, then looked back at Katya reluctantly.

Trixie didn’t know what to say. Half of her wanted to tell Katya to fuck off and the other half wanted nothing more than to cross the room and touch her hand, run her fingers through her hair, kiss her again until she couldn’t even breathe. She settled on saying, “Did you tell them?”

Katya blinked at her in surprise. “What? No.”

Trixie nodded, feeling the slightest sense of relief. “What do you want? I have shit to do,” she said.

Katya’s lower lip was snagged between her teeth, and Trixie could tell from the way her hands were fidgeting at her sides that she was uncomfortable. She took a step towards Trixie and Trixie looked away, crossing her arms over her chest as if she could protect herself.

“Trixie, last night—”

“Was stupid. I don’t know why it happened, do we really have to talk about it? It didn’t mean anything,” Trixie cut in, panic tightening in her chest. There was silence for a moment, and Trixie finally forced herself to look over at Katya. Her eyes were wide, a look of surprise on her face.

“You kissed me. It means something to me,” she said, voice quiet. Trixie immediately felt guilty, but she forced it down and turned away from Katya. Trying to find something to distract her, Trixie went to her desk and dropped her phone onto it, lining up her makeup brushes with fingers trembling.

“It didn’t mean anything to me,” she lied, “I don’t know why I did it.”

“Trixie—”

“I wouldn’t have thought it’d mean anything to you, either. From the way Willam and the other girls talk about you it was hardly your first kiss, right? I just didn’t realize you fucked girls as well as guys.” The words tasted sour as they left her mouth, and she almost jumped out of her skin when Katya’s hand touched her wrist.

“Trixie! What the fuck is going on?” Trixie pulled her hand away but Katya moved to stand next to her and Trixie could see the way she was gaping at her from the corner of her vision.

“Nothing! You’re the one who wants to make it a big deal,” Trixie replied, not letting herself look up at Katya. She felt like she was suffocating, and she knew that if she looked into Katya’s eyes she’d crumble.

“Is this because I’m a girl? Is that what’s going on, you’re freaking out?”

“I’m not – I’m not freaking out. I’m fine! I don’t like girls,” Trixie insisted, grabbing onto the edge of the desk. It felt like it was vibrating under her touch, but the room also felt vaguely like it was spinning around her.

“Trixie,” Katya said, voice softer now. She stepped closer and Trixie squeezed her eyes shut, trying to breathe evenly as Katya’s small hand tentatively touched hers. She didn’t try to fight her, exhaling long and slow as Katya’s fingers slipped between hers. “There’s nothing wrong with you. You know that, don’t you? It doesn’t matter if you like girls.”

“I don’t!” Trixie said quickly. 

“Does it matter that Pearl and Violet are together? That Alaska likes girls?”

“I don’t care about them,” Trixie said, still not daring to open her eyes. Katya’s hand squeezed hers lightly.

“Trixie, will you please look at me?” Trixie resisted for a moment until she realized Katya wasn’t going to go anywhere, so she reluctantly opened her eyes. Katya was standing close to her, expression concerned. A gentle smile spread across her face when Trixie looked at her, and she reached for Trixie’s other hand. Trixie let her take it, powerless not to. “I like girls. I like you, Trix. Kissing you last night was…you make me feel good about myself, and I haven’t in a long time. There’s nothing wrong with you, there can’t be. You’re too good.” Katya sounded utterly sincere and she brought Trixie’s hands closer to her chest, holding them together in both of her own as she looked into Trixie’s eyes.

Trixie could feel hot tears burning in the back of her throat, breathing quickly to stop them spilling over. Her chest was tight, panic gripping her like a vice at the way Katya’s words resonated with her.

“That’s not me, Katya! You can’t talk me into liking girls,” Trixie said, shaking her head. “Is that what you were trying to do all this time?”

“Trixie—”

“I thought you were my friend, I didn’t think that was what you wanted from me—”

“Trixie!” Katya looked shocked and hurt, but she didn’t let go of Trixie’s hands. “I am your friend. Of course I am. I thought – I thought you felt the same way. Last night—”

“Stop it! Please, stop it,” Trixie said, snatching her hands back and holding onto the edge of her desk. She was so tired, exhausted and confused and angry, at herself and the world and Katya for pushing her. “Why can you not just drop it? I’m not like you! Is this why your family wanted to send you back here so bad that they had to fucking bribe the school to take you, Katya? And now you want to try and make me like you?”

As soon as the words left Trixie’s lips she wanted to take them back, stomach churning. Katya’s hands hung loosely in front of her, and Trixie could see how bright her eyes were.

“Who told you that?” she whispered, breath hitching. Trixie wanted to drop to her knees and beg Katya to forgive her, to take her hands again and promise her that she didn’t mean it, that it didn’t matter, that Katya was the best person she’d ever met and that nothing else was important.

Instead, she said, “Does it matter?”

Katya laughed humourlessly, wiping under her eyes with shaking fingers as a few tears slipped down her cheeks and left mascara tracks over her skin. “I suppose not. I know everyone says it. I just didn’t know you did,” she said, sniffing and tipping her head back slightly, blinking to try to stop her tears. Trixie watched her, still clutching her desk. It felt like it was vibrating again. She glanced away from Katya to see that her phone was lit up against the wood, buzzing insistently. She reached over to grab it, flipping it over.

“Oh my god,” she breathed, almost dropping her phone as the buzzing stopped.

Mom missed call (4)

“Trixie,” Katya said, voice shaky. “Why didn’t you tell me they told you that? Why didn’t you ask me?”

Trixie could barely think, staring at her phone. She hadn’t heard from her family since the day they took her away, and her mom had chosen now of all moments to call her? Why at all? Should Trixie call her? Her mind raced through every scenario she could think of that would make her mom pick now to call her.

“Trixie,” Katya said again, almost pleading with her.

“What?” Trixie said distractedly, eyes flicking up from her phone to look at her. Katya was looking at her in disbelief, like she didn’t even recognise Trixie any more.

“Can you put your fucking phone down?” she said. Trixie blinked at her, clutching her phone in both hands.

“Katya, I…” Trixie trailed off, not even sure where to start. Katya shook her head, wiping her eyes again. Her fingers were stained black.

“Forget it,” she said, pushing past Trixie to get to the door.

“Kat, wait,” she said, turning after her. Katya stopped, one hand on the door. Trixie’s phone buzzed again in her hands and she swallowed hard, looking down at it.  

Mom calling

Trixie stared at the screen, frozen. Her mom was on the other end of the line, trying to talk to her for the first time in months.

She looked up at the sound of the door opening. Katya was gone, the door creaking closed behind her.

“Hey! Is Trixie in there?” Trixie heard Kim say in the corridor, her hand reaching out to keep the door open. Trixie’s phone had stilled in her hand. “Katya? Are you crying?” Trixie looked down at her phone again, vision swimming as the reality of what had happened hit her. Trixie had been a total bitch to Katya, said shitty things when Katya had been trying her hardest to comfort her and Trixie hadn’t even apologized. Her phone buzzed again and she let it fall out of her hands, dropping to the floor. Trixie sank down onto her bed as Kim came into the room, putting her head into her hands and bursting into tears as her phone vibrated by her feet.

[artificialqueens]

girls like dollies chapter 7 (trixya) - lale

Thank you so much for all of the amazing feedback on the chapters so far! You have no idea how much each and every single comment means to me. Thanks again to Matilda and fleursverts for cheering me on this whole time!!

“Please can we just go through those first few scenes one more time?”

“You know your lines, Tracy. I think you know every single line in the whole play!”

“Please? I don’t want to mess it up, we have to be word perfect for rehearsals tomorrow.”

Katya sighed, flopping backwards on her bed so that her head dangled off its edge, legs propped straight up against the wall. She had the script for Trixie’s play hanging from one hand, pages half folded down where they’d gone through it so many times. “Can we watch Contact after?” she bargained, shooting Trixie an upside down grin. Trixie rolled her eyes, swinging her legs from her spot perched on Katya’s desk.

“You know Ginger will go crazy if she comes back and finds us watching it again,” she said.

“She’s with Kennedy and Jasmine, you know what they’re like once they start gossiping. Who knows when she’ll be back? One more time and then Contact?” Katya pressed, flipping back to the beginning of the script.

“Oh my god, fine. One day you’re going to get sick of that movie and I hope I’m there for the moment,” Trixie said. Katya gasped, looking scandalized.

“Take that back,” she said.

“No!” Trixie laughed when Katya pulled a face at her, hopping off the desk to go and sit beside her on the bed. Katya pulled her legs down, pushing herself up with her hands on the floor and rolling over to lay on her stomach, chin on her hands. Trixie lay back beside her, head propped up on Katya’s pillows.

Things had been easy since the day of Katya’s meltdown – well, maybe not easy, but certainly easier. Now that Trixie knew how Katya felt, how nervous she could get and how sometimes the constant anxiety that was eating away at her could get too much, she’d gotten a little better at picking up on the cues that told her Katya was struggling. She knew when Katya just needed quiet and when she needed to be distracted with jokes and laughter. On those days when Katya needed peaceful company from her, the two of them holed up in one of their rooms, Trixie wondered about telling her about her family. Most of the time she didn’t even want to think about it, but there were times when she found herself practically choking on the desire to spill her guts about it all, and there was no one other than Katya she would trust with it. But the moment was never right; she’d open her mouth and the words would die on her tongue. She wanted to open up to Katya, give up as much of her history as Katya had given her, but she didn’t know how.

“Trixie!” Katya tapped her thigh, looking at her expectantly. Trixie blinked at her, then gave her a bashful smile.

“I’m ready!” she said, giggling when Katya dramatically cleared her throat before she started to read out the first lines before Trixie’s. They’d gone over Trixie’s scenes dozens of times, to the point where Trixie wouldn’t have been surprised if Katya was as word perfect on them as she was. She might not have gotten the parts she’d had her heart set on, but she still had a good part – besides, it had been worth it to make sure that she was there for Katya.

“See! You know every single word, you have nothing to worry about,” Katya said when they reached the end, dropping Trixie’s script to the floor beside her bed and reaching for her laptop.

“And if I don’t, I think I can count on you to step in for me,” Trixie replied. Katya laughed, nudging Trixie over and laying pressed up against her side as she propped her laptop up on the edge of her bed.

“I’m not great at learning lines. I did a play here back when I first got here and they gave me this whole huge monologue at the beginning…I completely fucked it up! It was a mess,” she said, shaking her head.

“That was when you were young! I bet you know all of my lines as well as I do,” Trixie insisted. Katya cocked her head, considering.

“Well, I do have one monologue that I keep up my sleeve for these kinds of occasions,” she said, looking up at Trixie with wide eyes.

“What is it?” Trixie asked curiously, turning onto her side beside her. Katya cleared her throat again, then tossed her hair over her shoulder before fixing Trixie with a solemn expression, eyes wide and earnest.

“I had an experience. I can’t prove it. I can’t even explain it. But everything I know as a human being, everything I am…tells me it was real. I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever. A vision of the universe that tells us undeniably how tiny and insignificant, and how rare and precious we all are. A vision that tells us that we belong to something, that is greater than ourselves, that none of us are alone. I wish I could share that. I wish that everyone, if even for one moment could feel that awe and humility and hope…” Katya kept her gaze fixed on Trixie as she spoke, and Trixie was so lost in looking into her eyes that she barely took in the words she was saying. It was only when Katya’s lips starting to quirk up into a smile that Trixie realized what was happening, and she let out a loud shriek of laughter and pulled the pillow from beneath Katya’s head, dropping it onto her.

“I can’t believe you know that whole fucking monologue!” she said indignantly, while Katya wriggled around beside her, limbs flailing as she wheezed with laughter, looking monumentally proud of herself.

“I can’t believe it took you that long to recognize it! You haven’t seen this movie enough,” she said, giving Trixie a bright grin. Trixie rolled her eyes, replacing the pillow beneath their heads. She carefully untucked the strands of Katya’s hair that got trapped underneath it before she lay down properly again, looking up at the ceiling as Katya let the movie start playing. Maybe Trixie hadn’t recognized what Katya had been saying immediately, but she definitely knew Contact too well by this point. She had no idea why Katya loved it so much, but Trixie didn’t mind putting up with it just to see the absolute joy it seemed to bring her.  

The movie started to play, but Katya looked over at Trixie. “What are you doing for the holidays, Tallulah?” she asked, reaching out to twist one of Trixie’s curls around her fingers. Trixie huffed but didn’t stop her, preoccupied by her question.

“I don’t know,” she said, admitting it to herself as well as Katya. She’d been so focused on the play coming up that she hadn’t let herself stop and consider what she’d do when she was supposed to go home for the holidays. It wasn’t that far away now, and she had no idea what would happen. Would they put her back in another group home? She couldn’t imagine anything more depressing that spending her Christmas break with a bunch of strangers.

“How about Thanksgiving? Are you normally at home or do you go see family?” Katya asked her.

“At home, normally,” Trixie said, chewing on her lip. It was the truth; normally it was a quiet day at home, just her immediate family. But this year Trixie wouldn’t be a part of that. Would it still be the same back home? Would anyone even mention her when they all sat down to dinner? She mentally shook herself, determined not to dwell. She managed to stop herself from thinking about it all too much most of the time; it felt far away now, long ago enough that she didn’t quite have to remember it was real. “What about you guys? Is Thankgiving even a thing in Russia?” she asked Katya, deflecting the topic away from herself. Katya laughed, fingertips brushing against Trixie’s collarbone as she braided her curls.

“It’s the all American holiday! I’ve gone to Florida with Ginger the last couple of years. It’s too far to go home just for Thanksgiving. What about Christmas, what do you guys do?” she asked. Trixie’s stomach knotted, she wished Katya wouldn’t ask so many questions. She didn’t want to keep anything from Katya, and part of her ached to open up and let out everything she’d been bottling up, but she was scared that if she started she wouldn’t stop.

“It’s not a big deal. Food, presents, family, everything you’d expect. I want to hear about Christmas in Russia! Is it different?” she pressed, plastering a smile on her face. For a moment Katya’s eyes were narrowed, but then she smiled back at her, vibrant and genuine.

“It is! But I haven’t been there for Christmas in years. My parents come here for Christmas,” she explained.

“How come? Don’t you want to go home?” Trixie asked. Katya shrugged.

“I’m with my family. It doesn’t matter where we are,” she said. She made it sound so simple, and it made Trixie’s throat tighten, unexpected tears stinging at the back of her eyes. She blinked desperately, tipping onto her back to mask the way her breathing hitched. Katya made it sound so straightforward, and maybe it was, for her. Her vision blurred a little and her eyelashes were wet, and she quickly reached up to dab at them with the side of her finger.

“Trix?”

“Hm?” Trixie swallowed hard and purposefully avoiding looking over at Katya where she’d propped herself up on an elbow to look at Trixie. Trixie looked over at the wall instead, the haphazard collage of Katya’s drawings and pictures and articles she’d saved.

“Trixie, is there something—”

“Hey! I didn’t know this was up here,” Trixie said, pointing up at a torn piece of paper stuck directly above Katya’s pillow. It was the silly doodle she’d drawn in Katya’s notes months ago in her attempts to cheer her up. Katya was still for a moment, and Trixie all but held her breath as she waited to see if Katya would let her change the subject.

“Of course it is!” Katya said eventually, leaning over Trixie to tap at the drawing, a wide, warm smile spreading across her face. Her body pressed against Trixie’s side, and kept her fingertips on the edge of the drawing. Her hair dangled over Trixie’s face and she could smell the last cigarette she’d had on her, her thigh bumping against Trixie’s.

“I didn’t even think you’d noticed it,” Trixie admitted, brushing Katya’s hair away where it was tickling her nose. Katya looked down at her in surprise, bracketing her arms either side of Trixie’s head as she hovered over her.

“Of course I did. I know I was a total bitch that day, but you…” Katya trailed off, looking back at the drawing. Trixie glanced over at it too, the torn edges of the page and the way they were a little crumpled, like someone had been toying with them. “I like it. I like us, having us up there. I like how you see me,” Katya said, her voice softer than Trixie was used to.

“It’s just a dumb cartoon. You’re the artist, not me,” Trixie said, cheeks warm at the sincerity in Katya’s words.

“It’s cute! You captured my wooden teeth perfectly,” Katya insisted, stretching her smile out into an exaggerated grin until Trixie had to laugh. Katya laughed too, and Trixie could feel it vibrating against her body.

“Do you ever feel like it’s weird?” Trixie asked. Katya cocked her head, quizzical expression on her face. “How quickly we made friends, when I got here? It was like you saw me that first evening and just…decided you were going to be my friend.” Katya considered her, blue eyes thoughtful, and Trixie bit her lip. Then she shrugged.

“You make sense to me,” Katya said simply, and Trixie swallowed hard when Katya’s thumb stroked lightly over her arm. The air around her felt thick, and she couldn’t tear her gaze away from Katya’s. She felt hyper aware of how close they were, skin tingling and stomach knotted as Katya shifted above her.

“You make sense to me, too,” she whispered, because she couldn’t say anything else. It was the truth – she’d never met anyone like Katya before, and she couldn’t imagine not having her in her life. Katya smiled wide, and it was all Trixie could do to return it.

“We fit, don’t we?” Katya said, thumb pressing lightly into Trixie’s skin. It felt like Trixie’s blood was running too close to the surface, throbbing under Katya’s touch as more of Katya’s body pressed into hers and making her skin feel like it had been set alight. A pointed knee settled between her own, brushing against the soft skin of Trixie’s inner thighs and Trixie choked back a gasp, chest tightening.

“Yeah,” she breathed. She squirmed a little at the intensity of the feeling building in the pit of her stomach, and Katya brushed her fingers through Trixie’s hair, delicately tucking her curls behind her ear.

“Trixie, I—”

Trixie cut Katya off before she could speak, giving into the indescribable urge to lean up and press her lips to Katya’s. Her lips were soft and warm and plump under her own and Katya sank into her immediately, closing the distance between them to press their bodies together. Her hand slid from Trixie’s hair to cup her cheek, the warm strength of her body settled against Trixie’s as Trixie drew her knees up, thighs slotted against Katya’s.

It felt right, the light touch of Katya’s fingertips as she tilted her head, carefully opening Trixie’s lips beneath her own and licking into her mouth. Trixie couldn’t help the quiet whimper that escaped her, fingers sinking into the back of Katya’s hair as her arm wound around her back, clinging to the thin material of her shirt. She could feel the heat of Katya’s skin through her shirt, not an inch of space between them as Katya kissed her deeply. It was all Trixie could do to return the kiss, Katya’s warm breath puffing against her upper lip from her nose and her hand sliding slowly down Trixie’s side, short nails scraping lightly. Trixie bit down on her lip at the way her whole body tingled at the touch. It felt like her skin was pulled too tight, buzzing at every sensation and ready to burst with the hot waves of new feelings Katya was drawing from her. She tried to pull her closer, fingers pressing against Katya’s scalp and her stomach tightening at the moan Katya let out against her lips. She crowded in closer to her, teeth grazing lightly over Trixie’s lower lip before she kissed her hungrily again. Trixie felt boneless, any tension in her body sprung tightly in her lower stomach as she clung to Katya for dear life.

Outside Katya’s room, a door slammed loudly. Trixie jumped in surprise, her whole body jerking and lips pulling away from Katya’s. She tried to catch her breath, breathing heavily as Katya panted against her cheek. Trixie felt stunned, suddenly on high alert as her mind raced.

What had just happened? This was her best friend and her best friend was a girl and Trixie had kissed her and what was she doing?

Katya’s hand squeezed her side lightly and Trixie opened her eyes to find Katya looking at her with a soft, almost dopey smile on her face. “Trixie,” she said, voice quiet as she leaned in again to press their lips together.

“Stop!” Trixie gasped, heart racing as she jolted upwards, scrabbling to get out from underneath Katya. Katya was still for a moment, but then she kneeled up, letting Trixie roll off the bed until she was standing in front of it. “I can’t,” she said, stepping backwards and trying to block out the way Katya was looking at her, surprise and then hurt crossing her face. Trixie’s heart was beating fast and there was a hot lump in her throat as she reached the door, grabbing the handle with a shaking hand. What had she been thinking? Ginger could have come back or any of the girls could have walked in, and what would they have found? How could she have been so stupid? She’d let some crazy moment of madness take over.

“Trixie, wait—”

Not daring to look back over her shoulder, Trixie opened the door, letting it shut behind her with a bang as she fled.

[artificialqueens]

girls like dollies chapter 6 (trixya) - lale

This chapter ended up being…way longer than I expected and it’s pretty much just 6k of Feelings. I hope you enjoy? All the thanks in the world to Matilda and fleursverts for being the angels that they are and letting me ramble at them while I was writing this, you’re the best!!

Trixie did her best to push down the thoughts she found herself having for her best friend. She’d tried to convince herself on the night of Max’s birthday that it had just been a crazy moment, that she’d be able to wake up the next morning and forget all about it. But she’d woken up the next morning with a faceful of messy blonde hair and Katya’s body tucked against hers and her heart soared – and then plummeted.

Where had these thoughts come from? She tried her hardest to explain them away – she was shut away in a new place, surrounded only by girls and not very many of them at that. Was that why she was feeling like this? Was she just projecting some weird pent up emotion onto Katya? She’d certainly never felt like this with Kim, and they’d been friends for years. She glanced over at Kim, cocooned in her blankets, and thought hard about it. Kim snored, and Trixie’s face wrinkled. Nope, definitely no Weird Feelings for Kim. No strange urge to kiss her or swooping sensation in her stomach when she looked at her. Tentatively, Trixie looked back down at Katya beside her, panic rising in her throat at the way her heart sped up. She pushed back her covers, all but jumping out of bed in her need to get away. Katya didn’t move except to press her face into Trixie’s pillow, nose wrinkling as her hair fell across her face. Trixie stared at her for a second before opening the door and escaping into the hallway.

She leaned against the wall, putting her head in her hands. It was still early and there was no one around, so she sank down to the floor and drew her knees to her chest.

Trixie wasn’t stupid, she knew what everyone back home said about her. That she was strange, that she looked at other girls, that she wasn’t interested in boys, that she must be a lesbian. She’d never understood where it had all come from, always chalking it up to the way she’d never quite fit in with everyone and the fact that she’d never had a boyfriend. Now she was starting to doubt that, and it terrified her. Had what they’d all said about her been true? How could she not have known if everyone else apparently did?

Trixie shook her head, dragging her fingers through her hair. Her teeth dug into her lip until she tasted blood. No, she was being ridiculous. Maybe it was being in a new place, surrounded by new people, but it was messing with her head. Even when Kim had been around back in Milwaukee she’d never been able to spend this much time with her; spending almost 24/7 with Katya had sent her a little crazy. Maybe if she could spend some time away from her, those stupid thoughts would stop.

Above her, someone cleared their throat. Trixie’s head whipped up and she found Ginger standing in front of her, one eyebrow raised.

“Am I interrupting something?” she asked.

“I just…uh…” Trixie trailed off, not sure what to say. How did explain away why she was sitting in the hallway on a Saturday morning, freaking out about wanting to kiss her friend?

Thankfully Ginger didn’t push her. “Did Katya stay in your room last night?”

“Yeah. She’s still asleep,” Trixie said, gesturing to the door. She wiped at her lip, wincing at the red stain left on her fingertip.

“She’s still asleep? Really?” Ginger looked surprised.

“It’s not that late, is it?” Trixie asked. Had she lost track of time in the midst of her meltdown?

“It is for her,” Ginger said. Trixie couldn’t place the expression on Ginger’s face, but it looked kind of like approval. “You okay down there?” she asked. Trixie forced a smile.

“Oh, yeah. I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t want to wake anyone  – Kim gets super bitchy if she doesn’t get to sleep in,” Trixie said. Ginger looked skeptical, but offered her a hand to help her up. Trixie took it gratefully, pulling herself up to standing.  She went to go back into her room, but Ginger touched her arm.

“Katya really likes you. I know sometimes people think she’s a bit…much. Be kind,” she said.

“I don’t think she’s too much,” Trixie said, surprised. She liked Katya’s exuberance, the way her brain hopped around from subject to subject and the eagerness she threw into everything. Her energy always ended up being infectious.

“Good. Now, remind that bitch that she promised to help me with my French project later,” Ginger said, nodding before she padded back down the hallway to her room.

Trixie tried to stay quiet as she walked back into her bedroom, but as the door shut behind her with a quiet snick Katya opened one eye, giving her a sleepy, warm smile.

“Sorry,” Trixie whispered, but Katya just opened her other eye as her smile widened. She wriggled over in Trixie’s bed to get closer to the wall, pulling the covers back and reaching for Trixie. Trixie didn’t even think before laying down beside her.

“I think your bed is comfier than mine,” Katya whispered, pulling the covers up to her nose. Trixie giggled, feeling the ridiculous urge to snuggle as close as she could to Katya and tuck her face in against her neck. She forced the feeling down, keeping herself as close to the edge of the bed as she possibly could.

“Ginger wanted me to remind you that you promised to help with her project later,” she told Katya, who huffed and rolled onto her stomach, face pressed into Trixie’s pillow.

“Stupid project. French is easy, you just do the accent and roll all of your ‘r’s,” she said, her demonstration of an impressive French accent muffled by the pillow.

“Maybe it’s easy for you! Not for the rest of us,” Trixie said, rolling her eyes fondly.

“I’ll go help her later. It’s too depressing to spend Saturday morning doing homework,” Katya decided, rolling over again and giving Trixie a grin. Her hair flopped over her face and she blew upwards to move it, eyes crossing.

“You’re like something out of a cartoon sometimes,” Trixie said, drawing a cackle from Katya. Katya kicked her feet happily under the blankets, one of her legs coming to rest across Trixie’s ankle. Trixie pulled back quickly, desperate to avoid any contact. Katya looked surprised for a moment, and Trixie thought she saw a flash of hurt cross her face but it was gone before she could be sure.

Trixie felt bad, but she couldn’t keep letting herself get close to Katya. Surely if she could keep her distance, these stupid thoughts would go away. It couldn’t hurt to try, right? She looked back over at Katya, who’d managed to wiggle closer to her without Trixie noticing. She gave her an angelic smile, and then Trixie let out a shrieking laugh when her fingers dug into the spot under her ribs, catching her by surprise.

“Oh my god, you guys are so annoying,” Pearl groaned from across the room as Trixie tried to calm herself down. Her hair was tangled around her head as she got up, shuffling across the room in her blankets to the window seat. She picked up one of the handful of cigarette packets she kept stashed there and put one to her lips, lighting it easily. She looked at Trixie’s bed and laughed; Trixie looked over her shoulder and saw Katya looking at the cigarette with her eyes wide and head cocked. Pearl rolled her eyes but extended her cigarettes out towards them and Katya hopped nimbly over Trixie and crossed the room, taking one and curling up beside her. She tucked herself in against Pearl’s side and Trixie pushed down an irrational flare of jealousy. She didn’t want to see Katya happy to snuggle up with someone else – what was wrong with her brain? Why did she care what Katya was doing – she didn’t! She was being stupid.

Trixie rolled onto her side, facing away from Katya and Pearl and trying to focus on her phone instead as she checked instagram and twitter and facebook. She could hear them giggling together and pulled her covers up over her ears, trying to block it out. Was this what Ginger had meant earlier about Katya being full on sometimes? It wasn’t hard to see that everyone loved Katya, that she somehow managed to make all of the girls feel like she was their best friend when she was with them. Trixie wondered if she’d been stupid to think that the way she felt about Katya was any different to the way the other girls felt. Katya and Trixie were friends, but Trixie wasn’t anyone special to Katya. Who knew if Katya would even want to spend as much time with Trixie once she was no longer the new girl Katya had taken a shine to?

Trixie burrowed herself further down under her blankets, phone clutched to her chest. It should have made her feel better to think that maybe the stupid thoughts she’d been having would go away if Katya didn’t want to be around her as much. Really, she thought, things would be a lot simpler if she didn’t get to spend that much time with Katya. So why did that thought make her heart hurt so much?

Trixie’s blankets rustled and a breeze licked at her legs before a small, warm body slid in beside her again. “What are you doing this morning, mama?” Katya asked, curling herself in against Trixie’s back. She smelt of cigarettes and the hand she draped over Trixie’s side was cold, and it was all Trixie could do to resist the urge to roll over and press herself closer.

“Oh…I should probably look at my homework. I have to go over some stuff for drama, too,” Trixie said, toying with the edge of the baby pink cover on her phone. Katya sighed against the back of her shoulder and Trixie could imagine the ridiculous pout she must have on her face.

“You’re so boring,” she whined, and Trixie elbowed her lightly in the stomach. “And mean! Maybe I’ll have to go find someone else to keep me entertained.”

“No!” Trixie said before she could stop herself. She was so stupid. She should welcome the chance for Katya to leave her alone for a while, give herself a chance to regroup. But she couldn’t bring herself to let Katya get away. Katya leaned up and put her chin on Trixie’s shoulder, and Trixie could see that she was beaming. God, she was so helpless under the power of that smile.

“I told Kim I’d catch up on her show so that we can watch some new episodes later. It’s still early, I guess I could watch some now.”

“Much better than homework,” Katya said, giving her a nod of approval. Trixie could feel her warm, even breath against her neck as she fumbled to pull the show up on her phone. Katya wriggled closer to her, legs tucked in behind Trixie’s and soft breasts pressed against her back. Trixie’s heart felt like it was in her throat at how good it felt to have her so close. Her stomach felt tight and her mouth was dry, and she couldn’t help the way she squeezed her thighs together.

Trixie knew she should pull herself away from Katya, give herself a little space to breathe. But she couldn’t do it. Instead she hooked an ankle around Katya’s, tentatively laying her arm over Katya’s where she’d looped it around Trixie’s middle. She couldn’t help herself, and it terrified her.

***

Months passed, and every day Trixie promised herself that she’d try to pull herself away from Katya. And every day, without fail, she found herself following the same routine: she’d bring Katya coffee in the morning and watch her get ready, unable to take her eyes off of her as she watched her smoke her morning cigarette with the light of the rising sun behind her. They’d spend most of the day together, in class and at lunch and she could never resist the urge to seek Katya out in the evening when she got back from drama. On the days she tried, she’d either get a string of texts that didn’t stop until she went to find Katya in her room, or Katya would come and find her if she really tried to ignore her messages. Trixie couldn’t escape her, but it wasn’t like she really wanted to.

Every now and then, usually when she was just about to fall asleep, it would hit her all of a sudden, how in over her head she was, how totally fucked she was. She’d curl herself into a tight ball and force herself to take deep breaths, trying to convince herself that everything was okay. She’d never had a friendship this intense before, and it was making her blur the boundaries between friendship and something else. That was all it was. She’d convince herself that her stupid feelings would go away soon and manage to finally fall asleep – and then in the morning she’d wake Katya up with coffee and Katya would give her a sweet, sleepy smile and the whole vicious cycle would start over again.

She was totally, utterly fucked.

So far, that morning had been the same as always. Trixie was the first one awake in her bedroom, and when Kim and Pearl were finally ready they went down to breakfast. Trixie grabbed coffee for Katya when she was finished, black and strong to wake her up.

Her routine was completely thrown when she opened the door to Katya and Ginger’s room. Katya was normally fast asleep when Trixie found her, but today she was up and pacing the room, a cigarette in one hand and her phone held up to her ear. She was talking in fast Russian, her expression serious. Trixie paused in the doorway, unsure if she should intrude, but when Katya spotted her she waggled her fingers towards the coffee in Trixie’s hand. Trixie handed it to her and went to Katya’s bed, sitting on its edge as Katya crossed the room to stub her cigarette out and lean up on her tiptoes to toss the butt out of the window. She immediately pulled another one out of her pack and lit it, and Trixie’s eyebrows raised.

The corners of Katya’s mouth pulled down and she burst into a stream of rapid Russian, before she pulled her phone away from her ear and took a drag from her cigarette. Trixie gave her a questioning look but Katya waved a hand dismissively, splashing coffee over her bare feet. Trixie held up her phone, gesturing at the time, and Katya rolled her eyes.

“Мне нужно идти. Я в порядке, мама. Да! Да.” Katya tossed her phone towards Trixie and it bounced onto her pillow; Trixie could see that the screen read ‘Mom’ as the call ended.

“Is everything okay?” Trixie asked. Katya didn’t answer, tipping her head back to drink half of her coffee in one before padding over to the window to finish her cigarette. Trixie wasn’t sure, but it looked like her hands were shaking.

“I’m going to be late. Go without me if you want,” Katya said, finally taking out her clothes and starting to get changed.

“Katya-”

“I’m fine,” Katya said, cutting her off before she could finish. Trixie frowned, unused to this side of her. Katya seemed so shaken and it surprised her. Trixie watched as she pulled on her uniform, cursing under her breath when she stopped to do her makeup and smeared lipstick across the side of her mouth. Usually Katya found it hysterical when she fucked up her makeup, taking pictures and laughing at herself before she fixed it. Today she tossed her lipstick onto her desk and haphazardly wiped her lips, dragging her fingers through her hair. She snatched up her bag, going straight to the door and only looking back at Trixie when she was halfway out into the hallway. “Are you coming?”

“Oh, yeah,” Trixie said, getting to her feet to follow her. Katya seemed so tense, body stiff as they made their way downstairs; it was like she was a whole different person. When they got outside, she popped open her cigarettes and took one out. Three cigarettes in quick succession was a lot even for Katya. Trixie reached out to touch her hand. “Kat, if you want to talk,” she said, but Katya pushed her hand away.

“Trixie, I’m fine. Please stop asking,” she said, hands trembling as she tried to light her cigarette. Trixie swallowed down her hurt at Katya’s dismissiveness. Talking to her mom had rattled her for whatever reason, it didn’t have anything to do with Trixie. “Fuck!” Katya said, throwing both her lighter and her cigarette to the ground when she couldn’t get the lighter to work. She put her face in her hands for a moment, while Trixie crouched down to pick them both up for her. Katya took them both back from her without a word, exhaling long through her nose as she replaced the cigarette in her mouth and tried once more to light it.

“You should go to class, you’re going to be late,” she said, eyes fluttering closed once she was finally able to take a long drag of her cigarette.

“I’ll wait for you,” Trixie replied. She didn’t like being late, but she didn’t want to leave Katya when she was like this.

“Please, Trixie. I’m fine, I just want to finish this,” Katya insisted. Trixie looked at her for a long moment, then sighed.

“Alright. I’ll see you in there?” she said. She didn’t want to go, wanted to stay and make sure Katya wasn’t alone, make sure that she was really okay and try to help if she wasn’t. But Trixie knew better than anyone not to push when someone didn’t want to talk.

“Sure,” Katya said. She was looking at the ground, free hand curled into a tight fist as she exhaled smoke. Trixie hesitated, then turned around and walked to class.

***

Katya didn’t show up to their first two classes. Trixie sent her a string of texts, hardly hearing a single word that was said as she constantly checked her phone for a reply. Katya never did send her a message, but Trixie sagged with relief when she finally appeared. She looked as stiff and uncomfortable as she had earlier that morning, and the smell stale cigarette smoke clung to her clothes as she sat down beside Trixie. Trixie could tell that Katya wasn’t taking in anything that was going on, and when she glanced down she could see that she was digging her nails into her thigh, leaving red marks against pale skin. Trixie instinctively put a hand on her wrist to try to stop her, but Katya shook her off without looking over at her.

Trixie was really starting to worry. Katya liked to joke about in class and it wasn’t like she was a model student, but she’d never actually skipped class in all the time Trixie had known her. Now she seemed completely zoned out and clearly didn’t want to talk to Trixie; if she had Ginger’s number she’d text her, see if she knew what was going on or what Trixie could do to help, but as it was she didn’t know what she should do. As much to keep herself occupied as to try to get Katya to pay attention to her, Trixie leaned over and started doodling in the corner of Katya’s page. She drew two cartoon girls with arms interlocked, one shorter with a mess of long blonde hair and a big, toothy smile, and one taller with carefully styled curls and exaggerated lips.  She waited hopefully for Katya to take in the drawing and react, break into the smile Trixie liked so much or maybe even laugh.

Nothing. It was the same all morning even as they went from class to class – Katya was like a zombie. It was such a drastic change from her usual enthusiasm that bordered on being manic sometimes. She only spoke to tell Trixie that she was fine, that there was nothing wrong, to leave me the fuck alone, Trixie when Trixie followed her outside during lunch when she went to have a cigarette.

Leaving Katya to her solitary cigarette, Trixie spotted Ginger heading outside with a pack of cigarettes clutched in her own hand. Trixie hovered by the doorway, watching as Ginger approached Katya. Katya still looked tense as she puffed on her cigarette, but she let Ginger put an arm around her as they talked.

Trixie tried not to take it personally that Katya had refused to talk to her all morning but was apparently opening up to Ginger now. She knew how close Katya and Ginger were, how long they’d known one another. It was good that Katya was talking to someone, even if it wasn’t Trixie.

Trixie couldn’t do much more than toy with her food at lunch, her head jerking up every time someone walked through the door. Katya never appeared, even after Ginger returned and sat with the other girls.

Katya was no different for the rest of the afternoon. She disappeared halfway through their last class of the day, leaving Trixie to gather up her things and take them back to her room. Katya was nowhere to be seen, and Ginger wasn’t around. Trixie felt bad, leaving Katya’s bag on her bed without any clue where she was or what she was doing, but today was an important day for drama. Ms Visage was casting for their first full play, and they’d be auditioning all afternoon as well as after dinner. Trixie had been practicing her pieces religiously, and she knew she couldn’t afford to be late because she was looking for Katya. Besides, Katya had made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to talk to Trixie about what was wrong.

Trixie did her best to concentrate during their drama class, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being a bad friend. She remembered that night during her first week at RuPaul’s when Katya had sat with her through her meltdown, helping her calm down and just being there for her without asking any questions.

When they broke for dinner, Trixie diverted away from the rest of the girls as they went to eat. Maybe with the day over, Katya might be willing to actually talk to her now, or even just let Trixie try to offer her the smallest bit of comfort about whatever was stressing her out so badly.

Katya and Ginger’s room was empty. Katya’s bag clearly hadn’t been touched since Trixie had left it on her bed earlier in the afternoon. Trixie frowned, taking out her phone to try calling her. There was an insistent buzz from Katya’s bed; Trixie could see her phone lighting up inside her bag.

Where was she? Trixie felt worse than ever for not trying harder to find her earlier. Her stomach was in knots as she left Katya’s room, trying to think of where she might. She could try the spot outside she knew a lot of the smokers went to in the evenings, then maybe the room in the theater building she’d seen Katya in that one time. She had to find her – she couldn’t get the thought of Katya’s blank expression and worried eyes from earlier out of her head.

“Trixie!” Trixie was about to go down the stairs when she heard Pearl calling out to her. She spun around to see Pearl was heading towards her, looking as disheveled and paint-covered as Trixie had come to expect from her after an afternoon in the art studio.

“Have you seen-”

“She was in art with us. She’s still there,” Pearl said before Trixie could even finish her question, sounding serious. Trixie nodded, squeezing Pearl’s arm as she passed her in thanks. She could only guess that Katya was acting as weirdly as she had been earlier for Pearl to come looking for her.

By the time Trixie reached the art studio, there was no one else there except for Katya. She was stood in front of the painting Trixie remembered seeing on her first day at RuPaul’s, staring at it blankly. As Trixie went to walk towards her, Katya let out a frustrated noise and pushed the canvas off its easel, sending it crashing to the ground. Trixie stopped in her tracks, startled by the sudden change in Katya’s demeanor. She made a noise that sounded like a frustrated sob and toppled the easel as well, before sinking to her knees and putting her head in her hands.

“Katya,” Trixie said, voice quiet and tentative as she walked over to her. Katya froze, but Trixie could see the way her hands were trembling. She remembered how Katya had realised so quickly when Trixie was panicking and known exactly how to calm her down and wondered how she’d never connected the dots that maybe Katya knew how to deal with it from her own experience.

“I’m,” Katya started, but Trixie cut her off as she knelt down beside her, putting her hands lightly on Katya’s forearms.

“You’re not fine. It’s okay, I got you,” Trixie whispered. Katya was tense under her touch, but after a few seconds of silence she wilted. She leaned into Trixie and Trixie wrapped her arms around her, feeling Katya wind her arms around her middle and hold onto her tightly. “I got you,” Trixie repeated, pressing her nose into Katya’s hair. Katya didn’t say anything, just clung tightly to Trixie as Trixie held her. Trixie didn’t think she was crying, but her breathing was short and sharp against Trixie’s neck.

“Trix, I was such a dick to you. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have been like that,” she said eventually. “It’s just…everything’s just…it��s all too much.” Trixie hushed her gently.

“It’s been a bad day,” she summed up, already feeling some of the tension in her chest loosen. Katya was clearly still freaking out, but at least she was talking to Trixie now.

“I suppose that’s one way to describe it,” Katya said, already sounding a little calmer. She groaned against Trixie’s shoulder, and Trixie rubbed a hand lightly across Katya’s back in what she hoped was a soothing manner.

“Why don’t we go up to your room?” she suggested, glancing past Katya’s head to the painting on the floor. It seemed like a good idea to get away from it if she wanted to help Katya calm down. Katya nodded, pulling back from Trixie. Trixie was surprised to see mascara tracks under her eyes, and her chest ached at the sight of Katya so clearly unhappy. Katya stood up, letting out a long, heavy sigh. Trixie hesitated, then went over to the toppled painting. The corner of the canvas was dented but the painting didn’t seem damaged; she righted the easel Katya had tipped over and carefully replaced the painting. She turned to see Katya looking at the painting with an expression she couldn’t quite judge on her face, somewhere between sadness and disappointment and frustration.

“I remember seeing this the day I got here, you know. Mr Matthews gave me a tour and when we got here, yours stuck out to me,” Trixie said. Katya managed to give her a tiny smile, and it was one of the saddest sights Trixie had ever seen.

“Yeah, it’s not like the others girls’. It’s nowhere near as good. I know that. I thought about switching over to art for good, but…” Katya trailed off, shrugging.

“I love it. I said so that first day. It’s so striking, and it makes even more sense now that I know you,” Trixie said earnestly. Katya let out a humorless laugh.

“Fuck, I need a cigarette,” she said, and Trixie knew better than to try to push the conversation. She stayed close to Katya as they walked back to the dorms, arms wrapped around her middle to brace herself against the cool evening air. Katya paused, cupping a trembling hand around her cigarette to protect it from the breeze as she tried to light it.

“Here,” Trixie said, putting one hand lightly on Katya’s wrist to steady it and using the other to help keep the wind away. Katya’s gaze lifted to meet hers, and she gave Trixie a shaky but grateful smile before taking a deep drag on her cigarette.

“Stupid habit. I blame Ginger for encouraging me all these years,” she said, slowly exhaling a lungful of smoke. She reached for Trixie’s hand with the one holding her lighter, tangling their fingers together. Trixie let her, giving her hand a light squeeze as they walked slowly across the campus. She managed to steal a discrete glance at her watch – she was due back in the theater in five minutes for the rest of the auditions. The two parts she most wanted were up first, and she knew if she didn’t get there promptly she had no chance of even being considered. She looked over at Katya; she looked a little calmer than she had earlier in the day, but she was still pale and Trixie could feel the slight tremble of her hand in Trixie’s.

Katya stopped to stub her cigarette out and toss it in the trash, and Trixie took the opportunity to quickly take her phone out.

Trixie: hey can you tell Ms Visage that i have cramps so i can’t come back to the auditions?

Max: Oh no! Are you okay? Should I ask Fame to check in on you?

Trixie: no, I’ll be okay. thanks!

Max: I’ll tell her for you. Feel better!

Trixie tucked her phone back into her pocket and followed Katya to the door, pushing down the vague guilt building in her chest. Katya needed her; that was more important than some stupid part in a play.

When they reached Katya and Ginger’s room, Katya made a beeline straight for her bed. It was unmade, and she pulled the covers back just enough to crawl under them. Trixie hesitated before climbing onto the bed beside her, leaning against the wall. Most of Katya’s hair stuck out from under the blankets, draped across her pillow, and Trixie ran her fingers through it lightly, brushing over her scalp. Katya sighed under the blankets and her head emerged; she looked small and fragile and so utterly exhausted.

“Your bed is definitely comfier than mine,” she whispered, putting a hand on Trixie’s calf and tugging lightly until Trixie lay down beside her. Trixie laughed, keeping up gentle, soothing strokes through Katya’s hair. Katya made a small, happy noise and leaned into her touch, her face already more relaxed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Trixie asked, watching her expression carefully.

“I don’t know what there is to talk about, yours is definitely comfier,” Katya replied.

“I don’t mean the bed,” Trixie said.

“I know.” Trixie didn’t reply and Katya sighed, rubbing her face wearily. Trixie covered Katya’s hand with her free one and squeezed gently; Katya turned her hand over pressed their palms together, lacing her fingers through Trixie’s. “It’s stupid, really. I just don’t deal with stress well.”

“Is it your mom? Do you not get along with her?” Trixie asked. If there was anything she could understand, it was fucked up families.

“Oh, my mom’s great. It’s not her fault. Trust me, this is all on me,” Katya said, huffing out a laugh. “All she was trying to do was ask me if I’d figured out what I was going to do with myself here, and I go off the deep end. Fucked up, right?” she said, looking over at Trixie. Even though she sounded like she was trying to make light of they way she’d been acting all day, her expression was open and raw.

“It’s not fucked up,” she said, squeezing Katya’s hand. “You’re not fucked up. We all freak out. You saw me freak out when I first got here!”

“That was different,” Katya said, shaking her head.

“No it wasn’t! Why would it be different?”

“I don’t know, it just was,” Katya insisted. Trixie raised an eyebrow at her and grinned when it got a smile out of her. “Shut up,” she mumbled, pressing her face into her pillow. “I just can’t help it sometimes. I don’t mean to let it get to me but it just happens and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s so embarrassing.”

“I never would have guessed,” Trixie said honestly. “You’re always so…confident. Free, I guess? I don’t know if that’s the right word, but you never seem like you care about anything.” Katya snorted, shaking her head.

“I’m good at hiding it,” she said. “I have to be. It’s always there – it’s like it just under my skin, all these anxious feelings itching away at me. I have to hold it back all the time, and when I can’t it’s like the whole fucking world falls apart.” Katya sighed heavily, shaking her head.  “I never want anyone to know that I feel like that, you know? Trixie, you won’t-”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Trixie promised before Katya could even finish her sentence. “I promise I won’t, really. I just wish I could have helped more,” she said, carefully pushing Katya’s hair behind her ear. Katya lifted her head, giving her an incredulous look. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, I wouldn’t even talk to you all day, so that’s hardly on you. And then you came to look for me even though-” Katya cut herself off, squeezing Trixie’s hand so hard her short nails dug into her skin and staring over at her wide-eyed.

“Ow! Even though what?” Trixie asked, trying to loosen Katya’s grip on her hand without letting go.

“Your auditions! Why aren’t you there?” Katya asked, looking stricken. Trixie held back a sigh; she’d been hoping Katya wouldn’t remember, but of course she had. She managed to be thoughtful even when she’d had the shittiest day.

“It doesn’t matter. We did all the important ones before dinner,” she said, trying to sound breezy. Katya frowned.

“You could still go, maybe you won’t have missed them all,” she suggested, but Trixie shook her head.

“I promise, it’s not a big deal. I’d rather be here, anyway.” Katya gave her an incredulous look and Trixie’s face flushed warm at the intensity of her gaze.

“Trixie…”

“Please don’t beat yourself up,” Trixie said, all but pleading. Katya looked conflicted, so she went for distraction. “Hey. Did I ever tell you about the time Kim had to dance in gym class back home?” Katya laughed at that, letting her head fall back against the pillow. “Oh my god, it was the funniest thing you’ve ever seen. That girl takes having two left feet to a whole new level, I swear.”

“I can imagine,” Katya agreed. “Has anyone told you about the time Ginger had to play a cow in a play? Back when we first started here?”

“No!” Trixie said, grinning. It seemed like more and more of Katya’s usual personality was seeping back in.

“Oh my god, Trixie, you have no fucking idea. I’ve never seen anything as funny in my whole fucking life,” Katya said through her laughter. “And then there was the time they made her work with Sasha Belle. Jesus, I thought I was gonna witness Ginger commit a murder.”

“Ginger’s so funny. I can see why she’s your best friend,” Trixie said. Katya gave her a look Trixie couldn’t quite decipher.

“She’s my oldest friend,” she corrected. The unspoken suggestion behind her words made Trixie’s heart feel like it was flipping in her chest, and she looked down at their hands to avoid Katya’s eyes. Katya’s bitten nails had the last remnants of bright red polish on them, and her skin was tinged slightly yellow around the nails on her middle and ring fingers. Her fingers were bony, delicate; Trixie liked the feel of them tucked between her own.

“Trixie,” Katya whispered. Trixie looked up, mouth dry. A smile slowly stretched across Katya’s lips. “Can we watch Contact?” Trixie burst out laughing, throwing one hand over her mouth. At least she knew Katya was feeling better if she was bugging her to watch her favorite movie. Trixie had managed to avoid watching it too many times with her so far, but today she decided it was worth it to keep that smile on Katya’s face.

“Fine,” she said, putting on a big dramatic sigh even as Katya let out a triumphant squawk. She rolled over to retrieve her laptop from its spot stowed away under her bed, and Trixie was unsurprised to see that the movie was all ready to be played on her desktop. “You’re such a fucking dork,” she said fondly, as Katya propped up her laptop so they could see it. She took Trixie’s hand again, pulling it over her side to loop her arm around Katya’s middle. Trixie was more than happy to let her, for once determined not to let her frantic worries get in the way.

The movie was as terrible as always, but it was infinitely more entertaining than it should have been with Katya constantly squeezing her hand or pointing things out or tapping on the screen to get her to pay attention to her favorite parts. By the end she could tell Katya was almost asleep, grip on her fingers loose and breathing slow and even. Trixie leaned over her, carefully shutting her laptop and moving it off the bed.

“I should go back to my room,” she whispered to Katya. It was late, the sky pitch black outside. No doubt Ginger would appear soon, and Kim and Pearl were probably wondering where she was.

“Stay. Please.” Katya’s voice was small, soft, and Trixie could hear the vulnerability behind it.

“Okay,” she agreed, nodding into the darkness. Katya rolled over towards her, and she could just about see the outline of her face. She looked tired but calmer than she had earlier, and Trixie was grateful for that. She wasn’t stupid; she was sure Katya was still worried, that those weren’t feelings that disappeared in the space of one evening, but if she’d helped Katya find a few hours of peace then she was proud of that.

“Thank you,” Katya whispered to her, leg sliding against Trixie’s as she drew it up towards herself.

“You don’t need to thank me,” Trixie insisted.

“Of course I do. I – Trixie, I…” Katya trailed off, and Trixie watched her face intently. “You’re the best, Trixie Mattel.”

Trixie was grateful for the darkness as she felt her cheeks flush pink, and she leaned in and pressed her lips to Katya’s forehead instead of trying to respond. Katya huffed out a laugh that Trixie felt against her shoulder, and tucked herself in closer to Trixie.

“Go to sleep,” Trixie said, resettling herself so that Katya’s hair wasn’t blocking her mouth. Katya hummed, leg twitching against Trixie’s. Trixie held her close in the dark, listening to Katya’s breathing as she felt sleep pull her under. 

[i-flood-my-basement]

So, some scary medical stuff today but I have to say the new update to Are You Good? by @fleursverts is definitely turning my day around

[artificialqueens]

That Trixya fic of trans Katya & cis Trixie living together in California is Dreamwave by Matilda. There is also fleursverts (campholmes on AOx3) California Summer series published on AOx3.

[artificialqueens]

hello this is ellen @fleursverts i know that i only post on ao3 but im just here to say that if anyone is feeling nervous/upset/angry/whatever about what's happened please feel free to come talk to me, my inbox is open and i just want to make sure that everyone is safe and happy 💓

This is so sweet of you! Thank you lovely!💞💞