#flamethrowers and woodchippers

[primarining]

still cannot fucking fathom how pitchfork said petrodragonic apocalypse "doesn't shred hard enough" like I'm convinced we listened to entirely different albums

[cakerybakery]

This was ridiculous. At this point Adam wasn’t even noticing the staring. His left arm was next to useless, he was glad Lucifer’s legs weren’t cutting off blood flow but he could barely turn the cart. Charlie being all but glued to his right side wasn’t helping.

What the fuck was in that shampoo?? If he could have pried the short fucker off him he would have taken another shower and washed the scent out.

At least Charlie was half way normal.

He looked down where she was snuggling her face into his chest happily. “Charlie, can you get the carrots?”

“Okay, mama.” She hummed happily, reached and grabbed a bag of carrots from the produce shelf. She dropped it in the cart and was back into his side.

He didn’t bother correcting her anymore.

They barely took a step when someone’s cart hit his backside.

“Move it, asshole!” The old lady behind him shouted.

“You motherfu-“ he started before Lucifer released his arm, turned, and hissed fire at her like a tiny angry flamethrower.

‘Huh… well that’s interesting.’

The old woman screamed and flung her hat to the ground to stomp out the fire. Adam quickly moved on.

Lucifer wrapped his legs around Adam’s neck and the rest of himself around Adam’s head, burying his face back into Adam’s hair.

Lucifer sighed happily, “I love you.”

“What’s my name?”

His hair was peppered with little kisses. “Perfection.”

Adam flushed. He was actually expecting Lucifer to say Lilith. There was a point he wanted to make but now he didn’t have the will to find out if Lucifer actually knew it was him.

It freed up his arm anyway.

He was regretting telling Vaggie he was going to the grocery store for shampoo.

She handed him a list and said Charlie had been planning on going anyway. When he said he didn’t have money to buy food for like eight people, Lucifer dropped his wallet into Adam’s hand and told him, “take whatever you want, honey.”

He agreed to get enough for dinner and breakfast because, “I’m not a fucking grocery service!”

They walked down the aisles, Charlie leaving his side just long enough to grab an item and snuggling back into his chest.

It would be cute if she wasn’t calling him mama. He knew Charlie referred to Lilith as mom. If he smells like her, shouldn’t Charlie be calling him mom?

Whatever was in Viper Musk was tripping the original snake in the grass and his kid. He felt like catnip at a cat shelter. A mother duck and her ducklings. A fucking possum carrying her young.

Charlie nuzzled against him with a happy little hum and called him mama again. If she wasn’t so sweet and innocent looking he’d have chucked her into a woodchipper by now.

Lucifer was sniffing his hair some more and he, Adam would gladly toss in if he could pry the man off.

They couldn’t have gotten to the shampoo aisle faster as far as he was concerned. He browsed the different brands for something to give his hair the volume he liked that also smelled nice. Finally he settled on a nice honey and milk and put the bottle in the cart. He picked up the conditioner and went to put it in the cart but the shampoo was gone.

“What the? I could have swore I put it in there.” He put the conditioner in the child’s seat of the cart and turned back to the shelf to grab bottle of shampoo. The line of products was full. Maybe he put it back and thought he put it in the cart?

Adam grabbed another bottle and put it in the child’s seat of the cart.

The conditioner was missing.

Okay. Once could be a mistake, but fucking twice? The fuck was going on??

Charlie never left her side, it couldn’t be her. Right?

He turned back once more to quickly grab the conditioner and thought he saw a flick of something black in the corner of his eye whipping his head as fast as he could with Lucifer wrapped around his head and neck, Adam checked the cart. The shampoo was gone.

Looking down at Charlie she gave him a dreamy little smile.

“Charlie?”

“Yes, mama?”

“Have you been taking mama’s shampoo and conditioner out of the cart?”

Her bottom lip quivered and tears welled up in her eyes. She broke immediately and nodded.

“Why?”

“You smell so good.”

“Mmm,” Lucifer agreed from somewhere in his hair, “so good. You should smell like this always.”

“You two know why I’m going to wash my hair?” Adam sighed, trying to get through to them.

Gripping his shirt a little harder Charlie nodded, “so you don’t smell like mom anymore. But you smell so good ma-ad-madam?”

“Yeah, you smell wonderful, Adam. You should always smell like this.”

“Oh, so you do know it’s me. That’s just the shampoo talking. Ignore it. I can’t live my afterlife with the two of you attached to me. It’s been an hour and a half. And eventually, someone is going to have to need to use the bathroom.”

Lucifer and Charlie both hissed at the suggestion they not be attached to his side or head.

He took the bottles off the shelf and put them in the cart. “They leave the cart and I will be angry with you.”

The hissing stopped and he was squeezed tighter.

Charlie muttered into his chest, “dad helped.”

If he could glare at Lucifer, he would.

The rest of the trip was better in that they left his fucking shampoo alone.

Getting back to the hotel he and Charlie dumped all the groceries on the counter except his hair stuff and he went to find Vaggie.

“Hey, how was the-??”

With both his hands being freed up he grabbed Vaggie and lifted her. Lucifer hissed but Adam ignored him and rubbed Vaggie’s head against his hair like he was trying to get a ballon to stick to the wall with static electricity.

He put her back on her feet. Peeled Charlie off him and shoved her face into Vaggie’s hair. Charlie wrapped her arms around Vaggie and sighed happily.

“Go take a shower to get her off. I’m going to go hose this fucker off me.”

New shower supples on hand Adam went up to his room. As he turned on the water Lucifer started to fight him so he grabbed the Viper Musk off the side of the tub and popped open the lid. Lucifer melted against him from getting such a direct hit of the scent. He waited for the water to be the right temperature, closed the lid, and stepped into the spray.

Lucifer sputtered as he was hit directly in the face. Siting up and gasping his grip on Adam loosened.

The shower head suddenly twisted away from them and Lucifer’s face was back in his hair.

Lucifer let out a disappointed sigh, “it’s gone.” He rubbed his cheek against Adam’s head one last time before getting down.

“Feeling more normal now?” Adam turned off the water and got out of the shower.

He turned his back on Lucifer’s and started peeling off his wet clothing. Adam was going to hop back in and make sure every trace was washed off him but he didn’t want to do it in his clothing.

Lucifer never answered him and Adam looked up in the mirror to see if maybe the guy had just taken off without a word.

Instead Lucifer was staring at him.

At his ass.

‘Oh no.’

“Lucifer?”

That little tongue of his flicked out and Lucifer’s eyes met Adam’s in the mirror.

Adam pulled the wet shirt he just took off up to cover his chest. “Lucifer. Whatever is going through your little snake brain, no. The answer is no.”

“You know they used to made a whole line of that scent. Used real snake pheromones for it.” His tongue flicked again but he turned to leave nonetheless, “just, if you ever change your mind. You can still get the perfume and cologne. A little dab is too weak for Charlie to sense, her mother’s tongue. Mine is far more sensitive.”

He left. His wet boots squeaking on the floor.

Adam sat down on the toilet. That felt a little too close for comfort. Was Lucifer actually suggesting what he thought Lucifer was suggesting?

There was no way he was going to buy cologne filled with snake sex pheromones to entice a serpent.

…

…

But it might be fun to buy a bottle and use it to fuck with the asshole. Maybe Al would like to have a clingy companion for a day? That would make up for have over half of the Morningstars attached to him all morning.

Adam grinned. Oh he was going to have fun with this.

[hellyeahrpmemes]

※ JENNA MARBLES SENTENCE STARTERS, PT. IX ※

here’s sentences from 10 more of jenna’s videos! feel free to change names/pronouns/zodiac signs/etc.! more jenna sentences

PANCAKE ART CHALLENGE

“I’m not very good at drawing things.”

“Yours won. Yours so won.”

“It looks like a feral cat.”

“You’re just pretending to be a chef.”

“I made your forehead in pancake form.”

“Don’t look at mine - don’t look at mine…!”

“She looks like a ghost of herself.”

“It looks like a tombstone walking a dog.”

“It looks like a can of silly string gone wrong.”

“That’s a bunny. You draw it every single time we’re at dinner and you find a crayon or a pen. That’s the one thing you know how to draw really, really well.”

“So it’s a flamethrower?”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“I’m gonna put this on your bed tonight. On your pillow.”

“It’s an Ankylosaurus, duh.”

“Can you autograph my pancake?”

“I wonder if it tastes good.”

“It looks like a weird calculator.”

“If he can do it, we can do it, too.”

“In the end, we both lost.”

“It was a lot harder than it looks.”

CHILDHOOD STORIES

“There are some moths in my house, and I don’t really want to kill them, but they are driving me crazy. I swear to god, if they start chewing my clothes, it’s gonna be game over. I’m gonna burn this house down.”

“I have lost my mind a little bit.”

“Worship me, Pinterest.”

“I feel like I am now the queen of DIY.”

“We would just sit there, and maybe look out the window, and maybe talk to each other.”

“You really needed a friend, but I really liked to play with it alone.”

“What did you do? That looks so cool!”

“I forgot I had a rope, and I forgot this thing called friction happens, and I sawed it in half.”

“I didn’t say anything to my dad, because I knew that that would be certain death.”

“I am a really bad liar and I have a terrible poker face.”

“My brother wasn’t going to tattle on me, because he is not a snitch, and I appreciate that.”

“It was like top ten most angry moments I’ve ever seen my dad.”

“Shut up, my gerbil is not fat.”

“Dude, your gerbil is so fat.”

“It was the most disgusting thing I think I’ve ever seen.”

“Sometimes, if your mom can’t take care of you, she’s just going to eat you.”

“I took a pair of scissors, and I decided to give my cat a haircut.”

“Damn it, now the cat’s gonna get his head stuck in everything.”

“I’m fired, I quit, I’m fired.”

MY DOG CHASING A DRONE

“I got Julien a drone for his birthday.”

“He really just loves to chase it.”

“Why fight it when you can just work with it?”

“It really is completely hysterical.”

“This is what I want to watch on the Internet.”

“We love each other forever.”

“I would never do anything to put him in any sort of danger.”

“We work together to make fun things happen.”

“It’s just really cool and really amazing and I just wanted to share it with you.”

“You don’t even care, do you?”

UNPOPULAR OPINIONS

“Do you need a snack or anything? You good?”

“I think avocados are propaganda in Southern California.”

“You hate something as meaningless as an avocado, Jenna? Really?”

“If I was a ghost, I wouldn’t just help people when they needed me, I’d be there all the time.”

“What’re you doing? Cutting your nails? I’m gonna stand here and watch.”

“Are you ever truly alone? I say no.”

“Why am I turning? I hate this chair…!”

“I don’t think ghosts and/or spirits just limit their visitation hours to when you need them. I think they’re there all the time. Creeping on you.”

“I think parasailing is boring as fuck.”

“That looks intense, count me out.”

“It’s very boring. It’s not worth it.”

“Why are you so famous? It really bothers me to the core of my being.”

“I think almond butter tastes like blood. I think it’s gross, and it tastes like blood.”

“I think tonic water tastes like earwax.”

“I think that making a salad is way too much work for the end result.”

“I’m not really talented at hard manual labor, which I’m sure my grandparents would find as a character flaw.”

“I think Jenna is the best name ever. Sorry, all other names.”

“I would buy her a drink like the gentleman I am.”

“I have a landlord that says no, but I say otherwise.”

“Go check out the otters. You won’t be disappointed.”

“They’re literally just there to have a great time.”

“I mean, it’s cool to see you, man, but you seem sad.”

“I think curtains are way too expensive for what they are, and a waste of money.”

“I’d see that, like, four times in the theater.”

“I’m legitimately terrified of prescription drugs.”

“I don’t really care what anybody says. I mean, I do a little bit.”

“Think for yourself, use your own brain, it’s a fun thing to do.”

REVIEWING BAD APPS

“Guess what? This is life.”

“I think it’s funnier now that the song is two years old.”

“If I paid money for it, I’m angry about it.”

“This is the weirdest fucking app.”

“I think it’s genius. I think it’s great.”

“Does this not know that google exists?”

“Did that horse fall?”

“Is this porn? Is this porn? This feels porny.”

“This one makes me feel like I’m really there.”

“That’s pretty annoying.”

“It’s not the worst, but it’s also not not the worst.”

“One small tattoo for man, one giant leap backwards for mankind.”

“Oh my god, oh my god, that’s nightmare fuel.”

“It’s so stupid that it’s amazing.”

“Just that name is the funniest thing ever.”

“Oh, I hate this so fucking much.”

“Think of all the times you just needed a candle, but you don’t have one.”

“Whenever I find something really cool, I just tell Julien, and he never appreciates it, so I hope you appreciate it.”

GIRLS DAY

“It’s time to go.”

“This is the cutest shovel I’ve ever seen.”

“I got this on sale!”

“I feel crazy.”

JENNA’S RACHET FASHION BOUTIQUE

“I like to sew, even though I’m not very good at it. I just refuse to fail.”

“We used to have to take home economics, where you learn how to sew and cook and stuff, and, apparently, people don’t take that anymore.”

“I still am mediocre at it.”

“If shit ever went down at a zombie apocalypse, everyone’s gonna be butt-ass naked, and I’m gonna be over here, sewing, with electricity.”

“I’m just gonna try and sew myself a sick outfit.”

“I also don’t want to spend a lot of time doing this.”

“Fuck patterns, fuck all that shit, let’s just do it live.”

Everything that I sew is gonna be with navy blue and/or black thread, which, if you have a problem with, just go away now.”

“I’m gonna make a long maxi skirt, ‘cause those are overpriced.”

“I would do this drunk, but it seems really dangerous to sew drunk.”

“Something smells like burning.”

“It looks crooked, but you just pass it off as fashion.”

“Get your scissors, and cut whatever the fuck is bothering you the fuck out.”

“Backwards and forwards and backwards, it’s just like life.”

“The best way to learn is to just look at a shirt, and make it.”

“Just don’t even bother finishing anything.”

“Yes. Yes, cape, yes.”

“Somebody could have made something really nice out of this. Not me!”

“I’m literally wearing a tube of pajamas, and I love it.”

“When I was at the fabric store, I saw this, and just really couldn’t resist.”

“What lady going to a ball couldn’t fit this into her wardrobe?”

“A fun, exciting fabric to make a hat out of is denim.”

“Don’t laugh, it’s fashion!”

“If you saw this, you’d be like, that is couture.”

“I really should’ve just made my entire outfit out of this, but that’s for next time.”

“Looks great. I’m scared of you, but it looks good.”

“I feel like the outside matches the inside.”

“Yes, bitch, you fuck that outfit up.”

“Honestly, I’d wear this shirt. And this skirt.”

THINGS I WISH I COULD LIE ABOUT

“I’m also sorry. But not that sorry.”

“Most of it just stems from being terrified of authority. I’m scared of getting in trouble.”

“Whenever someone asks me for my phone number, I always give out my real phone number. I can never lie and give them a fake number.”

“I’m terrified of having that confrontation.”

“Yeah, I got it really wet. It’s soaking wet. Just fully submerged in water. It’s wet.”

“I just wish that I could lie, but I feel too bad, I have to tell the truth.”

“I could’ve saved myself a lot of money with just a couple lies.”

“Their dogs are not therapy dogs, and you can tell.”

“I know for a fact that, by saying yes to that question, I’m just gonna get a lecture for the next ten minutes.”

“I don’t need to hear the lecture. I know the lecture.”

“Eggplant? Ew! The fuck is wrong with — my god, no…!”

“I don’t need to violently argue with someone when they say they don’t like something.”

“I can never, ever, ever lie to a police officer or a cop, ever.”

“I wasn’t speeding that much, but I was definitely speeding.”

“I was listening to R. Kelly’s World’s Greatest, and it was just getting me so hyped up that I just, I went so fast, I didn’t realize how fast I was going.”

“He gave me a $300 speeding ticket.”

“That started the ‘do not play’ list in the car.”

“You’re singing with your eyes closed, which is not good for driving, at all.”

“I think this is a good look. I think we should make this a thing.”

“Some of you guys are fuckin lying.”

HOW I TALK TO PEOPLE AT PARTIES

“Oh my god, how’s it going? So good to see you!”

“Hey, thanks, I’m a catch.”

“It’s a conversation, we should listen.”

“I don’t wanna listen…”

“I’m gonna use my eyes and pretend I’m listening.”

“She just asked us a question — did you hear what she asked us?”

“So how’s, uh… how’s what’s his face?”

“I just don’t want her to tell the tree story again.”

“One time, I was climbing this tree in my backyard…”

“She can smell your fear, you know.”

“I can smell time. It’s 11:30.”

“I can rap. Quadruple threat.”

“Did you watch the baseball game the other night?”

“Are we drunk?”

“This is bad, we shouldn’t have said that, why did we say that?”

“Hey, we should get this pierced.”

“Do you feel like breaking something?”

“I really love you so much.”

“She’s already drunk ‘I love you’-ing.”

“At least she didn’t make any drunk plans yet.”

“We are not going to remember that. Not at all.”

“What do you think happens when you put a ton of lettuce into a woodchipper?”

“I fucking hate you guys. You guys are idiots.”

“My brain is a terrifying prison.”

WHAT’S IN MY MOUTH CHALLENGE

“Why are you laughing already? Stop laughing.”

“You put the heel of my boot in my mouth? What are you, insane?”

“This touches the ground?”

“I was mad, sorry.”

“No, this is not going to turn into you solving a Rubik’s cube.”

“Who makes appointments a year in advance? I do.”

“This is my inhaler, you asshole!”

“Did you just say scoff?”

“You sinus-blasted me?!”

“Do you have any idea the mental preparation you need to have before you take one of those!?”

“As soon as it hit my tongue, I knew I was fucked.”

“Open up, we are playing a game.”

“Julien, my mouth tastes like Christmas tree!”

“Oh my god, what the fuck is that? It’s wet…”

“Open up all the way.”

“You put yeast in my mouth. That was fucked up.”

“Wow… I hate you.”

[wageronancap]

Typical homeschooling W