#fjwoifjwofijw

[ikari-cat]

It’s been months I know BUT

Here’s a long, LONG, update on my life currently along with the usual goals that are always 50/50 SO *types for like almost 2 hours* 

2022 - the year-long eviction crisis that I dealt with. I don’t even recall if I mentioned it here but yes in late 2021 my family and I received a notice of eviction. We have lived in the same apartment complex for around 26 years now, so you can imagine how stressful it was to be kicked out of my ‘home’ - I still live in the same complex I grew up with. So throughout 2022, I was stressed, I was broke, and I was hopeless about my future as a psychology major. Clearly, I needed to be making and saving money instead of studying in a school I felt like a stranger all while not knowing if this piece of paper will get me anything worthwhile. On top of that, I decided to go on birth control, which was a struggle for me both mentally and physically, sufficient to say my ongoing relationship with my high school sweetheart was put up to the test as usual.

SO let’s section up things from here on - still tangents however so YEET

School

The struggle of being a psychology student. In late 2021 I decided to take on Advanced Statistics due to needing to take at least one ‘graduate’ level class as an undergrad. I really enjoyed learning from my Intermediate Stats Professor so I asked for advice on improving my psychology field skills due to my continued questioning as a student - they had stressed taking as many stats courses as possible. To my horror, however, they did not teach any upper-level courses (in fact they later left the campus in general to take a position in Washington which honestly goes to show his worth) SO I was left to pick up other stat courses with other professors. As expected, they were questionable, to say the least. Given my VERY horrible introduction to stats overall at my community college, I was left feeling like even with an A in intermediate stats I was totally underqualified to be in a graduate-level course. I WAS RIGHT OF COURSE. I felt so alone, I could barely grasp any of the concepts with the professor, and ultimately my final straw was crying in a lab late at night feeling so worthless to be here as a psychology student. After the midterm, our professor had check-ins with every student on their status so far, they had asked me if I wanted to continue the course or not. I was honest, I had no idea what was going on, and with the eviction in the back of my mind it was literally like “why am I bothering with this right now?”. So, given that it was the semester after the lockdown, the professor left me as an incomplete, which I would ‘retake’ the course again within a year in order to pass it. I left and ended up dropping my other elective course due to being stuck on a group project I felt so done with (my communications students out there - I believe some of y’all are red flags now).

The following semester was in Spring 2022, at this point I decided to trust my mom in her words that she will handle everything with the eviction thus putting my all into school. I was a full-time student with a new car (which I am gonna rot with interest at this rate wfoijwofij) on the path of making up for my lack in this new school. To save myself the stress, I told my stats professor that I would retake the class in the Fall, sufficient to say my Spring semester was LOADS better with the avoidance of that class. I eventually got the hang of the campus and overall felt better than I was in late 2021. NOW, my summer could have been a lot better, I practically locked myself up in our room after being rejected from a program for the lack of experience basically and shut down once again (even more since I wasn’t saving any money for whatever eviction outcome was to happen). Fall 2022, another full-time semester, with the addition of advanced stats in the background causing me to once again go mentally insane. TO SAVE THE CHAOS, a basic rundown in the end. I PASSED ALL OF MY CLASSES. I was really fucking surprised, I should have failed at least 3 of the class (a psychology lab, another psychology course, then advanced stats) LITERALLY due to failing the majority of assignments in these classes. I wrote practically a 2-page lab paper that clearly needed to be 10 pages long, failing exams in my regular psychology course, then not turning in half of the assignments in advanced stats - sufficient to say these professors fucking took pity on me. In total, I took on essentially ‘6′ courses - I would recommend doing so for the ones who clearly have fixed discipline skills cause holy shit never again. Did I learn? For sure. Is it all gone from my head? Yes - only remember the pain. 

Now, it’s Spring 2023, originally my final semester. The semester was supposed to end with my internship class, a psychology course, and another elective. BUT AS EXPECTED, I didn’t secure an internship of my choice in time, thus pushing me to graduate in Fall 2023 since no aid can cover me in the summer. It sucks, really, but as I go in more later, right now Evolutionary Psychology and Geography on National Parks are really enjoyable - my search for an internship continues.  

Housing

So what ended up happening in the end? Our case got settled in February 2023, with us being able to stay so long as we pay back the ‘missing’ rent we owed to the complex. What started off as a parking space issue ended up making us pay practically 4k in the next 7 months that followed that settlement, as a VERY broke college student with no steady income this has been hell. All of my grant money is now gone, I have to either take out a loan or get another job in order to pay my part of the rent. Then my car didn’t help, which HIGHLY STRESS TO NEVER GET A CAR FROM A DEALERSHIP, I have fucking learned my lesson. So, overall, I’m glad to have a stable place to still call home, but how to get money again is the issue. Leaving my ‘official’ job back in 2020 messed me up mentally, the fact my standards of a job now is just to be treated as a human being with minimum pay is sad. I know I have worth, but getting yelled at every day over the littlest of things really messed me up. On the plus side, the manager of the complex we were dealing with got ‘replaced’ with a new one! My mom was one of the few old tenants to stand her ground here against them, apparently, they were kicking off older tenants for a variety of reasons. So they decided to ‘evict’ us just because my mom went to the main office instead to dispute about an extra parking space, the biggest red flag was them refusing to take our money orders then later on claiming that we were now ‘not paying rent’ thus deserved to get evicted. UGH, I’m telling you, the whole process was so fucking weird to deal with LIKE HAVE ANY OF YOU GUYS HEARD OF SOMEONE FIGHTING AN EVICTION FOR OVER A YEAR??? NEVER GETTING THE COPS CALLED ON THEM OR ANYTHING JUST LITERALLY ENDLESS NOTICES UNTIL THE COURT FINALLY TOOK US IN. I am suffering in debt now but wow I could not believe this all started over a landlord getting called out - I’m so glad they are gone. 

Career 

I still work as an assistant to an acupuncturist, I think it’s about to be 5 years now? This is technically my first job but at this point, it just feels like I’m helping my grandma since well I’ve never been close to my actual ones. I’ve mentioned it before but if for some reason new people read this, basically I had gone to see her as a patient with acne scars, and yeah wanted them dealt with SO micro-needling in a way. The old assistant was leaving, and I was going to stop my sessions due to lack of money now, so she decided to give me the job. It’s well, something still, business pretty much died due to Covid, and well with the recession and all it’s basically not cheap to go here. The treatment works, just money comes into play, as in general acne isn’t something cheap to deal with (especially since it’s mainly based on genetic factors). I miss getting treatments myself, but since we only work 2 days.....you get the point. I still would rather be her last assistant till she retires though, or at least until her niece works with her SO overall it’s either another part-time job or wait till I’m done with school. I have no idea what I want to do still, all I want is to be treated well really, it’s sad but I really don’t mind doing mundane things so long as I’m helping others. Because of my variety of interests, however, I’ve been so tempted to go back into food service, especially if it is at a bakery! Given my rising interest in plants and wildfire, however, it’d be cool to also work in that realm BUT I chalk it up to me just wanting to go out and explore in general. Overall, I still want to work in something related to psychology, hence my pickiness in an internship. SO MANY OF THESE SITES JUST WANT A SOCIAL MEDIA INTERN, YOU FUCKERS IF I WANTED TO DO A MARKETING JOB I WOULD HAVE MAJORED IN THAT, I know we live in a capitalistic society but god damn I do not want to waste my internship on something like this. THEN THE ABA ISSUE, literally a whole fucking sham I’m telling you, in what world do you think it’s safe to send out students to families like this???? If a job offers a bonus sign up it’s a sham like AND THEN BEING ON CALL?????? I’m tired bro - literally if I am so desperate for an internship I am going to cry in picking a site like that. 

Mentally and Physically

Oh man, I have been on a trip. This year I am in therapy, it’s provided by the school, and currently doing 1-on-1 and an art therapy group (on a waitlist for another therapist with my primary healthcare). It’s been a lot, I cry often still, and in front of others again. Especially with dealing with serious past issues (being a CSA victim for one), for like almost 6 years now I’ve tried to cope with my mental issues alone - please seek out therapy. I’m serious, it has helped me a lot, it’s fucking terrifying but you feel so much better knowing that you are being heard and consulted. My breakdowns got so bad that I’m going off birth control just to see if that has caused a rise in things, I have pinpointed around 4 moments where I literally wanted to end things for myself. Given my issues, I could not imagine a ‘normal’ person taking all these things at once without at least feeling exhausted. So, it’s been a long time coming, but I am glad I am receiving the help I needed. As you can imagine, however, I’ve distanced myself online to avoid downsprialing in social media as I usually do. It sucks, especially since I am a closed-off person with only 4 bonds (my partner, my two friends, and my brother) BUT I’ve also noticed that a lot of my interests online were getting negative (pokemon, dceu, star wars etc) so to avoid the heartbreak it means to distant myself more. ALTHOUGH, yes I am more active on my side twitter with dimileth than anything else, hey they have been a pairing that has made me very emotional over so it’s been comforting for me (especially with being sexually liberated and all). Overall, I am trying to do better. Physically I have been more active, the campus gym being free really helps, and I’ve been taking weekly yoga classes to cope better. Ideally, I want to just be able to take the goddamn stairs without panting like a bitch, but a push-up would be great to fwjofijwofiwfwjf ALSO I forgot to mention that food stamps have really helped me as a broke student! I’ve also cut off soda or rather just cold drinks in general, the only caffeinated things I can tolerate now are sweet coffee and matcha which I rely on for my mornings. I can make a list of foods but for the sake of this part, basically being more active both mentally and physically. 

Relationship

Ah man, if you are reading this still, you are a trooper. But I wanted to share it here since well, this is my blog after all. I will probably make an official post about this eventually but I AM ENGAGED. This is going to bite me in the ass later but fuck it, I can’t wait to marry this weenie I’ve been with since high school. It’s been such a mess but I literally am ready to settle down with this fool, he’s been through so much with me that just the mere thought of him gone from my life tears me up. As mentioned, birth control messed me up, but it has taught me a lot about what I want in a committed relationship. M and I went on a family trip of sorts to Joshua Tree National Park, it was with his extended family and I was so excited since it was my first National Park and potential in the well family! Unfortunately, the trip did not go well, I saw what a broken marriage can be and it really affected me. I felt like shit, and I just remember crying in the car wanting to leave cause I couldn’t take seeing them in pain and M understood. I felt guilty, this was his family after all, but it was like a reminder for both of us how families aren’t at all what they seem. I felt like despite the terrible experience however, it made me realize that I never want to be like that, I want to make things work and not even THINK of taking it out in front of others with no remorse, at the end of the day children shouldn’t be exposed to this conflict - as a broken child I can’t imagine doing that to one of my own. I’m so fucking critical of families now but I can’t help it, I want the best for my family, and I want to do better. So, YES, I’m sure M and I will go on rough paths once again but seeing all these struggling relationships makes me realize that what I have is something to be grateful for - wow this is so preachy fiwojfwoifjwo f

Overall

Honestly? I still never expect anyone to read this, but as always, it gives me time to reflect on my life all while realizing that I do have a blog for like 7 years now. I do feel guilty for not keeping the blog updated, but well, as you read, it hasn’t been easy for me. In high school, I remember drawing all the time, and now I keep staring at others' draw wishing I can do the same. I’ve been more active on Instagram since my friends dragged me along there, so it’s been great to keep up in well irl things since I was so used to just living in my own bubble. I swear it’s like after Ben Solo died nothing has been the same fjwoifjwf literally COVID hit and life has changed for everyone since. I unfollowed a lot of blogs here in order to give myself a fresh start, and well hoping to queue from my drafts again first before starting to blog again. Will I draw soon? Probably not, despite getting the Ipad I feel like I stopped drawing, so maybe it’s really just trying to draw back on paper again to get the mood. I know I’ve completely dropped fandoms, but well the ongoing content that comes with them hasn’t been making me happy SO I would rather post things that make me happy. It sucks, especially if you follow me for something specific, but well that is just life after all. I am not sure what exactly I want this blog to be still, but I think the premise is still the same as ever - random stuff I like. From Pokemon, to Horror, to now a pairing from a Fire Emblem game that is almost 3 years now? All while getting a BA in psychology?????? Truly, thank you for sticking around, I’m going to be updating my socials despite my messy state but hope you have been doing well!!! If not, we struggle together!!!! *disappears* 

(My baby is turning 7 in August - time is really going by)