#fixating on the same scene mentally over and over and over again that's what....

[mingisaddctn]

mind over matter | s.mg

Pairing: best friend!mingi x reader Genre: [+18] smut w/o plot Warnings: jussss smut, enjoy a/n: first fic on this blog yay

the two things you can be sure in life is that 1. you will die and 2. you've never wanted to suck a dick so bad.

I mean, you always knew that your best friend was hot — you had eyes, for god's sake! — but holy shit.

it started when you ran out of cat food. you were an attentive cat owner, don't get me wrong, but at the same time, you had the worst week for your mental state. exams after exams, studying 'till the library basically had to kick you out and group projects with lazy people... so that's how it ended up with your cat screaming at the top of their lungs and waking you up from your power nap.

mingi happened to be around because, guess what, you also forgot about your plans to watch that new anime that he rambled all about for the past month, and truly, you wanted to be able to enjoy some quality time with him, but you fell asleep as quick as his cursor pressed play on the screen, the warmth that irradiated from both inside his hoodie that you were wearing to where your head laid on his shoulder was too cozy.

so when you got up to feed the cat, your heart dropped, and you saw the grocery list accumulating dust on top of the counter, the 'cat food' underlined three times. you looked outside the windows of your small apartment and saw that the simple drizzle from before now turned into a full on storm, and all you could do was lean onto the counter and bawl your eyes out.

mingi was startled but tried to comfort you somehow, not really sure of what he could do to help, and as you tried to tell him between hiccups and tears, he quickly grabbed his jacket and told you that he would be right back.

twenty minutes later, a full-on drenched mingi stood on the doorstep, chest heaving as he took off his shoes and the same jacket, now in a darker tone from the wetness. you stared back from your couch, as you were curled into the throw blankets, eyes widened.

you almost forgot about the cat food.

in your defense, it should be illegal the way his white tee clung to his abs so sinfully highlighting each of his muscles. and when he rose his arms to take off his cap and ran his fingers between wet strands of hair that framed his cheekbones, your eyes fixated on the way his sweats clung onto dear life to his v-line.

holy fuck. jesus christ. oh my god. whatever divinity that was out there.

"you okay?" he asked, as if he was expecting your answer and you shook your head, trying to escape the trance you found yourself in.

"what? why?"

"i asked if i could use your shower" he placed the single bag with the cat food on the counter as he tried not to wet your floor.

you can use me, for sure; you thought to yourself.

"yeah, yeah, go ahead" you nodded and he took his shirt off on the way to the bathroom.

you quickly jumped from the couch to feed the cat — since that was the prime reason for all the ruckus. as you put the blocks of minced meat on the food bowl, you caught yourself fantasizing about it again.

how good he should be looking, as droplets of rain still lingered on his skin as he took of the sweatpants slowly, leaving only the boxers that perfectly held his firm thighs and secured his—

meow, you looked down, to find that a block of meat fell beside the bowl and you took a deep breath. control yourself.

you blamed the ovulation. or maybe the fact that you haven't been sexually active in a while. or that movie that had hot scenes with your favorite actor... gosh you were a horny mess.

but your life has basically been all about your studies lately, and the stress was clouding your reasoning, making you feel like impulsive decisions were now worth a lot, and that's how you found yourself standing outside your bathroom door, idly looking at it with your hand raised, on the way to give it a knock.

the thing is, the moment you found the courage to do it, the door opened from the inside, and only mingi's torso popped out, in the middle of calling your name, but now confused that you were on the other side.

all that led to the both of you sitting on the edge of your bed, with him only wearing a towel around his hips, not staring at each other as the silence overcame the storm from outside.

"so... you want to suck my dick...?" he simply repeated your words from minutes ago.

it would be comical if it wasn't so tragic.

"yes."

"are you feeling okay?" he asked.

"yes."

"'then... how should we do it?"

you took another sharp breath, your lungs almost failing you as your mind tried to disassociate from your body. leaving the bed to kneel in front of him, you kept your eyes focused on his face, his lips parted as his eyes were half-lidded. from all the years you'd known him, you knew that he was probably overthinking it and trying to figure out what was happening. but neither you could tell.

your fingers slid to the towel and as you were going to take it off, his hand flew to yours, holding it softly. he pulled you towards him in a swift movement and placed his palm on your cheek, nose now brushing against yours. soon after, you felt the plumpness of his lips onto yours.

"wait" he leaned back cautiously, as though any minor movement would startle you like a scared kitten. his eyes overthinking each and every detail. "I want to kiss you first."

and as if you were waiting for that to snap, you grabbed his neck and pulled his face lower so you could slide your tongue into his mouth. his big hands fell to your hips and grabbed firmly, decided not to let you run away.

you kinda wondered before how good of a kisser mingi was, your friends joked around saying that it must be good since he has fat lips, but you usually kept those thoughts at bay, not really wanting to dive into your hidden desires. it wasn't like you, to explore and try new things. you became friends a long time ago, and when he earned that title, you felt like it would be too messy to see him as anything else.

but you weren't dumb, of course you'd noticed how a blush crept to his cheeks whenever you grabbed one of his hoodies, or how he would stutter when others teased him about you. he wasn't good at hiding things, and you weren't good at ignoring them.

one of his hands snuck to your neck and the pulled you closer, his breathing growing heavier to the point that you could hear a faint groan from his throat.

shit, you moaned.

he let go of your face and you leaned back, a little ashamed of the noise that escaped you, but mingi didn't seem to mind, in fact, his cheeks could be mistaken to a tomato. he shifted in his place and you noticed the tent in his pants. oh.

placing a final kiss on his cheek, you maintained eye contact as you lowered yourself to your knees, hands falling to his covered member, feeling the warmth through the towel and earning a sharp gasp from him. licking your lips, you only broke the intense stare to undo the lousy knot, uncovering his lower body.

oh. OH.

how did he hide that monstrous thing all along?

"uh... pants, I guess..." he said almost in a whisper, and then you realized that you were thinking out loud.

"shit, I mean, it's not a bad thing" you placed your hand at the base of his cock, wrapping your palm around it and the boy hissed. "I just... didn't expect that."

"so you thought about it before?" touché. you deflected by giving him a slow tug.

before he could say anything else, you lowered your head and wrapped your lips around him.

"fffuck-" he let out, throwing his head back.

you started bobbing your head at a slower pace, quickening each time he groaned, and listened to his raspy moans as if they were songs hidden in heaven. his hand ran through your hair, pulling at the strands just light enough to make you whine, the vibrations helping into the pleasure.

"please—" he pled, eyes fixated on you and wet hair sticking to his face. he couldn't look any better, you noted.

mingi stared right into your soul with deep, dark eyes. his nose was flaring up and trying to keep up with the sharp breaths that left his parted mouth. it was as if he belonged in that position, and you wished that you had midas touch to keep him like that forever.

"so pretty" you said more to yourself than to him, and one of your fingers snuck into his mouth, and he wrapped those plump lips around it to suck.

feeling his tongue under your skin made shivers run down your spine, and even though you tried to take in more, he pulled you towards him once more, now landing you onto his lap. mind you, his naked lap. your pajama shorts did nothing to the mixture of pre-cum and saliva that rubbed under fabric. you hoped he couldn't feel the wetness that was forming between your legs.

kissing you again, you wondered how your teeth were not clashing at all from the desperation that exuded from both parts. you wanted him as much as he ever had wanted you, and it didn't seem like a real experience. the euphoria that overtook you made you feel almost dizzy from all the exchange in pheromones and fluids, holy fuck, you wanted to stay like that forever.

while he kissed you, mingi's hand went to the bottom of your shorts, holding you so you wouldn't fall as he took them off, leaving you in his hoodie and panties. you didn't remember what kind of underwear you wore, but you hoped to whatever god that was out there that it was something without a hole or anything.

without taking the panties off, he slid them to the side and ran both his middle and ring fingers along your folds, the new feeling making you jump a little, and he giggled. the motherfucker giggled.

"jeez... can't wait to be inside you" he said against your lips, hissing as you gave him an experimental roll of your hips.

holding your panties to the side, he grabbed his cock and aligned himself to your folds, placing the tip inside and a loud whimper fell from your mouth. you knew that it would take more effort to get him inside, he was the biggest you've ever been with, and mingi also seemed to notice that, so he touched you as if you were made of glass.

the warmth of his hot member now sheathing inside your pussy felt like too much, and the room felt foggy, just as your breaths. he kissed the side of your neck, licking up to your ear and groaning ever so slightly, as if he had noticed how much you reacted to those sounds, using them now against you.

the moment you reached the bottom, you felt as if your internal organs would combust. his dick felt like too much and too good, you drank from the sensations and the tingles that your body left each time he moved an inch, clenching around him. you reached your hands to the hem of the hoodie you were wearing, but his hand left your lower back to stop yours.

"leave it on" he looked up at your face with puppy eyes. "I want to fuck you in my clothes."

OH. FUCK.

you moaned into his mouth and slowly started to move your hips. you could've cum just from his words, but you tried your best to concentrate in making him feel good.

"you feel so good around me" he whined, a short moan leaving his lips to meet yours again.

you didn't know how you looked at that moment, probably a mess. from taking in all the sensations, his huge cock and the way he looked like a whiny mess under you... you felt powerful, and he was letting you use him to your wishes.

"please, please" he whined even more, probably taking notes that you got off from that.

"what is it, big boy?" as soon as the words fell from your mouth, you questioned yourself. is this really me?

"let me fuck you right" his hips shot up, taking you by surprise with a gasp and he bit your collarbone. "I wanna be good for you- wanna make you feel good."

"use me however you want" you said in a desperate tone. not even minding how it looked to him, you truly wanted everything from him.

with one arm sneaking around your back and the other on your neck, he moved you further into the bed, now on top of you. he didn't say anything else, only left a small kiss on the corner of your mouth and gave you a slow thrust.

the most high pitched moan fell from your lips, and you didn't care to be embarrassed. not when he was pleading for you, having your body wrapped so deliciously around him, the same as his.

you could write paragraphs and paragraphs about the way he looked; the occasional lightnings shining against his wet skin, highlighting each of his curves and muscles while his hair fell above his forehead, now a mess from the way you rushed your fingers between strands.

mingi kept rolling his hips against yours, and words kept falling randomly from your mouth, meddling with moans and sobs, you felt so cockdrunk that even the slightest stimulation coming from him could make you shed tears. felt so fucking good that got you questioning every life choice you've ever made to this point, as if everything was a part of god's plan for you to end up right under your best friend, as his touches made love to your limbs.

"hm-ugh- feels so fucking- oh my god" you kept going on and on, not even sure yourself what you were saying, but mingi wasn't falling behind.

the knot had already taken place on your lower body, each of his thrusts feeling more intense than the other. you could tell he was getting closer from the way his teeth were nipping on your neck and his thrust were growing sloppier.

"please-ah!-please, let me cum inside you" he left your neck to look at you, and you felt the knot tightening and your legs starting to tremble. "let me fill you nice and full- please"

"yes, I want all of you" you almost screamed when he took that as confirmation to grab your back and glue his chest to yours, sharpening his thrusts.

it finally snapped and you felt like you couldn't breathe anymore. he held you so close as if he could melt into your skin and become one, and with a final thrust, he whined and groaned and screamed and did everything so involuntarily, almost animalistic, and your mind was too dazed to even comprehend anything else besides the way that your pussy gripped him so tight, keeping his hot seed inside you. you didn't want to let it go.

you were still spasming from your orgasm when he let go of your body and snapped your legs apart, taking place in between them, nuzzling his nose onto your pubic bone and feasting. his tongue lapped each of yours and his juices without mind, sucking, kissing, moaning, grunting, only to prolong the way your climax came down; you screamed so hard that your lungs burned.

falling limp on the bed covers, he let go, going back on top of you with the support of his arms and knees, face leveled to yours when he placed an innocent kiss on the tip of your nose and another one to your forehead.

"did it help you de-stress?" he joked and you placed one of your arms onto your eyes.

scoffing, you shook your head. "holy shit, I'm in love with you."

he gave you a slight push and rolled to his side, still staring at you with a darker flush across his chest and neck.

"well, I'm yours" he said and you licked your lips, sneaking a glance from under your arm.

"yeah, you better be."

[bluemoonscape]

Ivan & Till: When One Character's Inferiority Complex Meets Another's Superiority Complex

Heavily based on this post by @pwippy

To outline what's already been said in this post about Till's apparent tendency to view himself as "superior" to his peers: There's often a mindset that those who lack companionship will adopt to protect themselves from the idea that can come with loneliness that there's something wrong with them. This idea is best summed up as "I'm alone because I'm different. I'm better than them."

Till seems to have adopted this mindset. We know based on the ALNST comics with the Ivan and Till "Cheer up!" scene that Till is lonely. He has no friends. And when Ivan bluntly points this out to Till, Till lashes out hard, hitting Ivan and knocking him to the ground before storming away. Ivan's observation got to him. It did what Ivan is always trying to do; it got a rise out of him.

To protect himself from fear (the fear that he only made it through Urak's experiments by chance, by sheer luck and not because he's better) and rejection (rejection from his peers, from Mizi, even an entire audience) Till has to convince himself in his head that there's a reason for all this. He's better off alone. He doesn't need anyone. Even Mizi, who he adores and admires, is kept at a distance. Till is never once upfront about his feelings. He can't take that sort of rejection, ESPECIALLY not from Mizi. He eliminates the chance of rejection altogether by simply watching her from afar rather than approaching her and really trying to be her friend.

(Look at his cute little face I'm going to cry)

Even a crowd Till acts like he doesn't care about? Like he doesn't care what they think, like he's beyond caring? In Round 2, he didn't even give them a chance to reject him. He made sure they couldn't. He didn't even let his opponent sing.

Ivan, on the other hand, doesn't seem all that concerned about rejection. Unlike Till's fear with Mizi, Ivan is all over Till and isn't deterred when Till reacts to his teasing with irritation. This doesn't mean Ivan isn't hurt by Till's rejections, specifically Till's last-minute decision not to run away with him, but this does mean Ivan is okay with being hurt again, and again, and again as long as he gets to be around Till.

Ivan's complete lack of care about his own mental state is the result of an inferiority complex. Ivan has absolutely no regard for his own wellbeing. He only cares about Till yet doesn't truly believe he's worthy of Till. I always find it interesting (and refreshing) that Ivan isn't jealous of Till's crush for capturing his attention. In fact, Ivan doesn't ever show signs of resenting Mizi at all. He treats her kindly and doesn't fixate on her in an unhealthy, envious way. They're friends despite the object of Ivan's affection being captivated by Mizi. While I love their dynamic and find it nice that Ivan isn't jealous of Mizi, jealousy is a natural human emotion, and Ivan's lack of it really tells me how little he thinks of himself. Why would he be jealous if he doesn't have a chance with Till in the first place? He'll content himself with existing in his orbit, thinking even this little piece of his attention is more than he deserves.

Like Till, Ivan doesn't open himself up to the chance of connection with other children at Anakt Garden, although their reasons seem inherently different. While Till fears rejection, Ivan doesn't seem to even see a point. Till asks himself "What's the point?" in an attempt to convince himself he doesn't need friends, though he doesn't believe it. Ivan asks himself the same question and genuinely doesn't know the answer. No, Ivan is not invincible to being hurt or rejected. Maybe he's past fearing any such thing at a certain point because nobody knows who he really is anyway, not even Ivan himself. How can he be afraid of someone hurting him if they can't touch him? The one time he expresses himself genuinely with Till, he knows that he won't have to deal with the consequences. He won't have to deal with the hurt that comes with being open again.

Having such radically different views of themselves, their relationships with others, and the world around them, it's no wonder Till and Ivan lack communication and understanding. As individuals, they have deeply complex psyches; Till keeps pushing people away, and Ivan keeps letting himself be pushed and then coming back around even though he already knows the result. He just doesn't see worth in anything in his life that isn't Till and this cycle. They both long for connection but don't know how to reach it. For them to come to an understanding, Ivan has to recognize his own worth (something Till uses as a defense mechanism) and Till has to open himself up to hurt (something Ivan does to an unhealthy degree).

They're identically opposite.

[yandere-toons]

Toga Himiko | ブラッド・クィーン

Warning: Strong and Bloody Violence, Villain! Reader.

Word Count: 2127.

Artwork: Akiyama Yoco's first illustration for Toga.

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Death's ghost rained down in fine red embers, bringing with it the smell of a hundred knives rusting deep within fly-torn flesh.

A mist of blood, nearly steaming on cheeks aflame with heat, clothed the muscles so taut in her neck. The fill of her stomach took a leap and a bound, aflutter and twitching, like a bird fraught with excitement.

Thump after thump drew blood flush over her skin, matched the pounding of drums in her heart, slipped along her mouth at every breath, danced bittersweet on the end of her tongue.

The music of dreams carried on the blood-wind, singing of what it was to languish beneath the stars in decades past.

For a while, you sat and listened, fingers dug in round the edge of the armrest, knuckles sharp against skin.

The gramophone beside an open window stuttered for a moment, as if struggling to perform its duty in the face of the room’s two living occupants. The eerie echo of the distant singer, of a time long since passed, seemed almost to sedate you. In contrast to her, so animated and audible, the music seemed so rhythmic, blending into other sounds of the night, cancelling out all else.

All else, that is, except her. She glided over and around the mangled forms scattered throughout the room. Some almost seemed alive, displaying occasional twitches of stress from their agonizing last moments, whereas others seemed little more than lumps of twisted meat, stinking and splattered. A giggle, authentic and dripping with joy, reached your ears.

She didn’t mind the macabre display, and neither did you. There was intimacy in the scene, even if hidden and shamefully unappreciated. Not long ago, the desiccated husks were full of life, bemoaning their fates, casting aspersions against yourself, one another, and her as you’d made your way around the room, making selections together. None of them could properly resist, of course, and so the two of you could, and did, take your time.

The gramophone stuttered again, and you cast a quick glance at the machine, less out of curiosity and more out of annoyance. That made for a second stutter within the same song. You took a mental note to adjust the machine afterwards, and your eyes returned to her. The moonlight cast a small shadow of her upon the wall, and you wondered for a moment if she had noticed its diminutive size or if she remained lost in her bliss.

She squealed as her boots stomped a gore pulp beneath them, the squelching reminiscent of a watermelon splatting against the ground. Dollops of blood flew, and within another motion, both her boots and legs had received a fresh coat of crimson. Her eyes shined like freshly minted coins as she revealed a toothy grin, and she ran her tongue over sharpened teeth that resembled fangs. Yes, clearly, she was enjoying herself amid the gruesome redecoration of the room.

She twirled once more, and her eyes fixated upon you as you rose from the chair. You approached her softly, but intently, and she wouldn’t look away. Tucking her hands behind her back, as if suddenly bashful, her eyes travelled the length of you. Her movement slowed, but her smile remained. Tenderly, you extended a hand towards her, your eyes never missing an opportunity to make contact with hers.

Her body stiffened; breath caught in her throat. You cocked your head, less out of confusion, and more to survey her from a different angle. The edges of your lips curled up ever-so-slightly, and with your head leaning in towards hers, she was frozen. No voices, no gurgling from the butchered wretches below, and no stuttering from the gramophone.

Her lip quivered momentarily, and you took another step forward. She could feel your hot, yet restrained, breath on her face, and you could see the rapidly developing makings of a red tinge on her cheeks. The splotches of red on her chin, the stains of bodily fluids in her formerly pristine hair, and the reeking stenches all around meant nothing. It was only the two of you, sharing a moment that only two such wayward souls could appreciate.

She shivered as your hand reached her midsection, teasing her hips lightly until it reached its intended target. Tracing blood-stained fingers and feeling out the point of a sharpened blade, you tenderly clasped hold of several of her fingers around the blade and, with eyes never leaving hers, guided her hand from behind her back to your sternum.

With mere inches of distance separating you, you placed the gore-drenched hand with the blade over your heart and, in a voice barely more audible than a whisper, blew forth a single word: Dance.

Her hand shook, and with eyes beholden to your own, she grinned from ear to ear. Nodding, she pressed herself against your chest, the knife locked between two grasps as though it were a child in need of protection. Her other hand surreptitiously made its way to your side, and yet the motion garnered no reaction from you.

She sighed, and you laid your other arm about her back, drawing her closer. The gramophone performed its duties, and the rest of the world fell away as the two of you traversed the room, deliberately yet fluidly. The sporadic squelches, the scratching of boots against solid floors, and the blow of the wind served only to bring serenity to the both of you.

It was an intimacy and affection few could imagine and even fewer could experience; it was one Toga Himiko shared deep in the nights of you.

----

After what seemed like only a moment, the two of you had made your way across the room more than once. The moonlight, shining through a precious few windows, continued to illuminate the scene, even as the night grew darker and a fresh chill entered the air. The corpses had taken on much larger shadows, and though none twitched as they had previously, the light seemed to pass about them, throwing intriguing shapes upon the floors and walls behind.

Toga hummed, buried in your chest, face no longer visible under that bloody mess of hair. She didn’t seem to mind that, in the motion, your hand had won against hers for the primary grip on her vaunted knife. It was your fingers that kissed the slick steel, even as hers remained tightly, but not painfully, clenched along the grip. While she couldn’t bring herself to fully let go of the object, she was content to share it with you, and you were content to share it with her.

Your formerly coordinated motions slowed to a halt. The two of you seemed to be sharing an extended hug more than anything else, and as she raised her head, a creak uttered from somewhere else in the room.

In an instant, you were separated, and Toga shot her head sideways, scanning the area for any threats. You mirrored her approach, intent to ferret out and eradicate whatever had interrupted your bliss, but on further observation, nothing revealed itself.

Motionlessly, silently, you both waited, eyes and ears attuned to the most minute disturbances, and still, nothing. Toga, peering upon the carnage with seemingly fresh eyes, noticed a more full-bodied corpse toward the center of the room. The quarry had not been easy to pacify from the hunting ground, and his size made the drag to the room more difficult than expected.

She pounced on the offending mass of flesh, back turned to you, but just as passionate and animated as ever. She straddled the corpse, skirt partially hiked, legs planted on either side: there stirred in Toga a warmth throughout her body. She spared the corpse below a glance, as though he might revive to cheer this opportunity, and buried the knife in his chest cavity one final time. The fool’s glazed-over eyes offered nothing save for the lingering imprint of his final terror.

As she plunged the blade from its target, dead sinew tore, and blood spewed from the former captive, splattering across her chest and face, washing what had already been soaked in past excursions. The moonlight worked to augment her crimson coat, making Toga’s body shine, and as she grinned, her face seemed to absorb every photon of light in the room. The knife was again doused, its temporary reprieve resting against your chest forgotten.

You approached, transfixed on her exquisite form, heaving with exertion and bolstered by excitement. Your boots crunched the severed fingers of another offering, even as your eyes remained centred on her within your approach. Witnessing such fervour was a treat, but enabling it, and being so proximate to it, that was a delicacy to be savoured.

Breath shook out of her, then rose anew, before she flung herself close, again tucking her head underneath your chin, with hair loosely tied and frayed about your vision; both hands came upon a shoulder, where, one by one, the nail of each finger drove deeper, encouraged by the sweet longings of a crooner, frightened by the lightest sway of your body.

Without yielding an inch, you gently removed the tensed, clasping fingers from your punctured tissue. You continued to pry one finger at a time from its familiar destination, and with your touch, Toga shivered, eyes not daring to meet your piercing gaze. She pressed herself deeper into your chest, hot breath palpable through the ripped fabric guarding your newly bleeding form. You offered a slight push, less for easier access to your fresh wound than to attain renewed sight of Toga’s expressive face.

A flash of fire erupted in your shoulder. Cold lips of steel once again pierced cloth and flesh, a kiss upon bone, turned warm under a stream of red.

A blood-strip flew to the lower portion of your eyelid; and for a moment of complete instinct, you squinted, barely a twitch and nothing more.

Toga, with her face at last visible, watched as though she might cry, bright eyes fogging over to something like molten bronze. “Take my blood,” she breathed, giving out a piece of herself in ways long held inside, ��We can share the pain!”

She detached from you and, gasping, took the knife to her palm; or, rather, the blade of the knife swung low at a centre vein when you caught it, fingers wrapping the serrated edge. Blood colder than steel leaked forth to the ground. Each plop, each scattering of a blood-ball transfixed Toga a little more, the spell broken only at the wisp of a word from your mouth.

No, and the thrumming of her pulse stilled. Toga set the golden light of her eye upon you, seeming a curious child than anything wicked.

Crimson fluid oozing from between your sliced fingers, you stepped forward, towering over the paralyzed Toga. Once again, your eyes did not break from hers, and she could not stop her knees from shaking, bending inward as if they suddenly couldn’t bear her slight frame any longer. With liquid dripping between the two of you, you stretched an arm across her waist and behind her back.

All she could do was utter a squeak before she once again was pulled into your leering form. Neither one of you said a word as she settled, her immediate tension from the surprise contact melting when she realized its intention. She purred, low and sultry, yet aside from a turn of her head to allow her ears closer to your chest, she remained stationary.

The whole of one ear pressed to your heart, a low beating of something far away, enough to stay living and no more. Against the still of your body, Toga's heart pounded forth as if to join the two.

There the two of you stayed, once more locked in one another’s embrace. The sacrificial flesh scattered, defiled, and eviscerated across the floor, the walls, and even traces on the ceiling were nothing. The droplets of blood flowing from your shoulder were nothing, simply a weakness of the body. The stenches filling your nose, the memories of screams and mutilation that played in the back of your mind, the urge to snuff out the warmth of life so close to you—all had been replaced with serenity.

The terror of the departed flesh served its purpose. The experience you both shared with them was distinctive, but the intimacy shared with Toga was singular. So few could understand that you had found each other. None of the flesh could appreciate that their screams, their cries, their entreaties, all of it served a purpose they couldn’t imagine. Toga could, though, and you would share it with her for the rest of your days together.

Another, she whispered.

[hismercytomyjustice]

HEAR ME OUT! IMHO (as someone who has it), Pacific Rim is a fantastic depiction of what it’s like living with OCD, specifically “Pure O” OCD.

It is exactly like “chasing the RABIT,” best depicted by the scene where Mako is trapped in her childhood memory.

SOME BACKGROUND ON OCD:

“Pure O” OCD is a term used to describe OCD where a person’s compulsions are mostly mental. Like getting stuck in thought loops as opposed to something like handwashing. You have a distressing/intrusive thought and your brain jumps through hoops to deal with the fear/anxiety/shame/etc that comes along with it.

From the ICBT (Inference-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) model:

“A doubt is about a possibility - a thought about what 'could be' or 'might be'. Your symptoms of OCD begin with doubt. Consequences, distress and compulsions logically follow from the doubt. Without the doubt, you would remain firmly grounded in reality without any symptoms of OCD.”

Most folks get an intrusive thought and, while they might find it upsetting or out of character for them, they’re able to accept it as involuntary and more of a random brain blip. With OCD (and some other disorders), a person gets that same intrusive thought and fixates on it. They struggle to let it go, become emotionally tied to it, and experience shame and fear around it.

For example, say you have an intrusive thought of “I might have left the stove on.” Say you aren’t at home to check it. Someone without OCD might understandably worry about it, but maybe they can call a friend/family member to check or maybe they resolve to run by the house when they have a chance to make sure they turned it off.

Someone with OCD however, might spiral. They might go from “I might have left the stove on” to “What if there’s a towel on the stove?” to “the towel could catch on fire,” to “my kitchen could catch on fire,” to “my house could burn down,” to “I could lose everything in the fire,” to “and it would all be my fault.”

And with each mental leap, their anxiety/fear grows. They may not have even left the stove on, but they become convinced they did and now they’re panicking about the possible consequences of their theoretical actions. Their mind/body reacts like their house did burn down and it was all their fault.

Because this triggered such a strong emotional state, maybe next time they cook something they check the stove is off. But what if the knob wasn’t all the way in the off position? What if the burner was still hot and a towel was close by? What if they looked at the wrong knob and the one for the burner they used was actually on? So they check again. And again. And again. Because maybe if they check this time, they’ll finally have run through all the terrifying possibilities and their brain will accept that the stove is off and there’s no risk of a fire.

Meanwhile, by checking over and over again, they’re feeding into their fear and anxiety. It might make them feel better in the moment “oh good, the stove is off” but then they step away from the stove and the fear/doubt returns.

And then the cycle starts all over again the next time they use the stove.

HOW THIS PERTAINS TO PACIFIC RIM:

In Pacific Rim, Mako relives the worst moment of her entire life. She’s a child again and the kaiju is there, her parents are gone, and she’s terrified and running through the streets to try to save herself.

Raleigh realizes what’s happening. He’s a veteran jaeger pilot. He knows all about the RABIT (Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers). He knows what Mako is experiencing isn’t actually happening right now. He tries to pull her out of the spiral, but as she gets deeper into the memory, her emotions grow stronger. She KNOWS she’s not a child anymore. She KNOWS she’s in a jaeger. She KNOWS the kaiju of her past is dead and can’t hurt her anymore.

But none of that matters. She’s stuck in the spiral anyway.

In this case, the deeper she’s pulled down, the more evident her terror becomes because now her emotions are pouring into the jaeger. She doesn’t mean to, but she readies one of its weapons in her desperation to protect herself.

Pandemonium erupts. Everyone’s ordered to evacuate to minimize the inevitable damage the weapon will cause. No one can reach Mako. She’s too deep in the memory.

Even as others flee, Pentecost, Herc, Tendo, and Chuck struggle to manually shutdown power to the jaeger. They only manage it by the skin of their teeth because of how strong Mako’s connection to her memory is.

The memory is like an intrusive thought Mako can’t let go of, the anxiety and fear generated by it fueling her deeper descent into the memory. Everyone else knows it’s not real. Deep down, Mako knows it’s not real. But the emotions tied to the memory in that moment convince her otherwise. While Raleigh doesn’t get sucked into the memory too, we still see him reacting to it because it feels so real.

They finally manage to power down the jaeger and Mako escapes from the memory. In the aftermath she’s ashamed and embarrassed. Pentecost told her something like this might happen and it did.

Even worse, Mako’s always wanted the opportunity to avenge her family and put a stop to the destruction the kaiju have wrought on so many lives. She knew this could happen going in, but it happened anyway!

She relived the worst moment of her life, spectacularly failed in front of people she respects and cares about, nearly killed those same people, and she disappointed herself and Pentecost. She’s spent years trying to convince him to let her become a pilot and fuck, it turns out he was right all along, despite her training, her dedication, and her superior skills.

Now Raleigh is going to need a new partner. They don’t have time for this! The kaiju are coming! They’re humanity’s last hope! How can she face any of these people after almost accidentally killing them? Why couldn’t she stop chasing the RABIT? She knew it was just a memory! What is wrong with her that she couldn’t do this one thing she’s dreamed about and vied for her whole life? How can people like Chuck or Raleigh do this but she can’t?

Just because she’s no longer trapped in the memory, doesn’t mean it and the distress she experienced because of it haven’t had a ripple effect. Yeah, the ripples are less powerful now that she’s not in the epicenter of it all, but they’re still there.

BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER:

The memory in Mako’s case is the trigger/intrusive thought. She has a visceral reaction to it in the moment, but even after she escapes from it she’s not automatically fine.

That’s what is so fucking frustrating about OCD. You can sit there all day and think “the stove isn’t on, this is just my OCD” but it doesn’t magically make your OCD go away. Learning to live with OCD is learning to identify these thoughts spirals and preventing lapses from becoming relapses.

A lapse could be “I might have left the stove on” and worrying briefly bit about it before realizing it’s an OCD thought and defusing it, but a relapse is the full blown anxiety trip detailed above that ends in “my house is going to burn down.”

Lapses are scary. It’s so easy to have one and immediately think “oh fuck, oh no, the OCD is back,” but it’s not necessarily true. You can get OCD into a state of remission, even if you can’t get rid of it completely. It’s also incredibly easy to beat yourself up over a lapse or a trigger. Yeah, in the moment you feel like you’re being chased by a kaiju, but then you snap out of the memory and you’re embarrassed and frustrated and scared.

“Why doesn’t anyone else struggle with this,” “what’s wrong with me,” “I didn’t even fucking leave the stove on,” “if anyone knew how upset I was about this, they’d think I was pathetic/stupid/overreacting/being ridiculous,” and so on.

OCD thrives on fear and doubt and shame. Avoiding intrusive thoughts makes it worse by increasing fear/anxiety around them and ruminating on intrusive thoughts makes it worse by further feeding into the obsession.

But the good news is your life doesn’t have to revolve around your OCD! There’s a lot out there that can help like support groups, therapy (specifically Exposure Therapy and Inference-Based CBT), and medications (like antidepressants).

Something that really stood out to me from the OCD Conference I attended this weekend was this quote from the Strategies for Sustained Recovery From OCD panel.

“OCD should not just be about symptom reduction, but about reclaiming your life and finding genuine joy and fulfillment. The primary reason to persevere through the hard work of treatment is to make your life more fun, meaningful, and worth living. Identify activities, hobbies, and relationships that you find deeply rewarding and that bring a sense of purpose beyond just managing your OCD.”

So, yeah, I just wanted to share what it’s like living with OCD and also wanted to give a little hope to others who might have it or have friends/loved ones who do. It fucking sucks, but if you equip yourself with the right tools it can make it a lot easier to live with. It can take most folks over a decade to get diagnosed with OCD and get proper treatment. There’s a lot of factors at play in that regard like recognizing OCD in the first place, access to care, costs for care, shame and embarrassment, etc.

Hell, it took me ~34 years to realize I had it and I was lucky enough to have three therapists tell me they saw the signs! I’m only just now starting to really learn about it, how it impacts my life, and how to live with it.

Just know you’re not alone and that it can get better! I’m definitely not in remission, but I’m working toward it! And I hope if you’ve read this far and resonate with all this, that you’re on your way to remission too!

[lemonhemlock]

Hi Lemon! I know you’re enjoying your BG3 right now so no rush, but I’ve been thinking of some F+B lore combined with GRRM’s infamous post about the show, and I’m a bit confused. He claims that the show could replace Maelor with Jaehaera in his death scene in order to give Helaena the grief she needs to meet her suicide, but that wouldn’t work because “Jaehaera has a huge role to play as Aegon's next heir.” It was my understanding that she was never named Aegon’s heir, and was in fact considered “simple” (likely Westeros’ version of mentally challenged) as a way to avoid having Aegon name her in the first place. But this seems not the case? Did I misunderstand, or is this more him tearing into the show and maybe fudging some details?

My other issue (I don’t blame him for being mad of course, did we not all have problems with HOTD S2 lololol) is he’s also fixated on Maelor as the reason for Helaena’s death in the first place, yet we’re given a few suggestions for her suicide, and the maesters even question why she would kill herself now when Daeron is seemingly very close to recovering KL for the Greens. I assumed it was a combination of many things; she has been mad with grief since Jaehaerys’ death, her daughter is long gone, her husband gravely injured and also unknown to her, and she is a prisoner in her castle. Finding out about Maelor’s death would likely have been the final straw, but again, it’s not presented as the sole reasoning here? Idk maybe that is just me nitpicking! I’m glad he laid into the show, but having spent a while discussing F+B with friends, it’s always funny to me when he comes out with “actually this was what happened.” Okay, you didn’t write it that way 😂

Hope things are well with you!

Hi there! I hope the same for you! <3

So, I definitely think that GRRM went on and on about Maelor in his post because that was the tamest aspect he could criticise without burning bridges with the show executives. And perhaps that is why it comes out like Maelor is more important than he truly is in the books. That post was more of a strategy push than anything, he wanted to publicly show he was REALLY upset and that he was ready to air his concerns publicly if they don't stop compromising the integrity of the story.

So, in that regard, the heart of the issue is that, in the show, they've basically eliminated any reason for Helaena's suicide. She was sad all of 10 minutes about Jaehaerys, is over it already in the S2 finale, doesn't give a shit about her brother's impending doom, doesn't give a shit about her brother-husband's condition. What is there to be sad about? Despairing enough so that she'd fling herself out of the window? Unless they'll make Rhaenyra herself push her (they won't) or it's going to be framed as another fucking accident, there's no way to explain her death. So it's easy and safe for him to keep on about Maelor, since this is a problem anyone can understand, no matter which side of the team wars they're on.

Coming back to Jaehaera, I've always maintained that there is no reason to give her a learning disability unless GRRM never meant for her to be considered as a proper inheritor in the first place. Even if Aegon II had been the world's most feminist dad, he couldn't have passed the throne to her, because she wouldn't have had the capacity for rule. So, if GRRM intended for Aegon to truly grapple with this issue of wanting his line to continue but only having a daughter and how to present this as a solution when he just deposed another woman, then he wouldn't have made Jaehaera "simple" and disqualified her from the start.

So, maybe he realised that and regrets it? Maybe FB was a way bigger volume with many more details that explained all this but they had to be cut for length? And Jaehaera's situation was one of those sections that got the axe?

If GRRM is reading my blog and needs reasons to justify himself rhetorically (LOL), I can provide one for free: IMO, if you remove her being condition and deem it untrue gossip (let's say), Jaehaera being named Aegon's heir was never an issue, because it respects Andal Law. It doesn't even make the greens hypocritical or scheming villains for deposing Rhaenyra. As per Andal Law, Aegon is the elder son of Viserys II, so he should inherit, and Jaehaera is his only living child, so she should inherit after him. A son comes before a daughter and a daughter comes before an uncle (or a nephew). Easy!

it’s always funny to me when he comes out with “actually this was what happened.” Okay, you didn’t write it that way 😂

This is true enough. :)) I think that, for all this talk of how interesting it is to write backstory like a history book and present various possible versions (which it is!), a writer MUST surely "know" deep within his heart of hearts which of those he intended to be true and which not. Come on. :)) At least for SOME things.

[theteasnake]

Die with a smile

I had this idea in my head for a while and just needed to write it out.

As the sun sets, everyone retreats to their home. To have dinner with family, to settle down for slumber, or to just watch some good ol tv. The sun sets and yet you're still standing in your little flower shop.

The street outside the glass door lights up with the automatic lamps. It leaves an eerie feeling, but at this point, it's a norm. Countless lockups lead to over cleaning which leads to more work having to be done. The more time you spend here, the more work you find.

Trim the wilted flowers. Sweep the floors. Wait, mop them, and then sweep them. Oh, some papers need to be filled out. You should organize them alphabetically while you're at it. Actually, scratch that, by date. Oldest to newest. Or maybe newest to oldest?

Why didn't you do this earlier? It's cause you never have time. People come in, they go, more people come in, then they go. And you're only one person and, of course, everyone has questions.

Order flowers. Rearrange some of the showcases. Shit, some bouquets need to be finished by tomorrow, might as well get them done now before you forget.

Late nights, early mornings. How are you even still standing? Caffeine and determination. But even that's starting to lose effect. What was once a beautiful fixation turned into waking up with dread. Sometimes you wish you were still a blissful college student, eyes bright with ambition now dulled from exhaustion and lack of proper sleep.

Your life is lacking. You thought colorful flowers could paint your black-and-white world with the same hues. Now they just stick out like a sore thumb. Unknowingly mocking you. Poetic beauts, aren't they?

You heave a sigh, letting your shoulders sag, as you finish up the last of the work. What time is it? Eleven? No, it's one in the morning. Just like usual.

Things are cleaned. Papers filled out. Tomorrow's orders are done. You run through a mental checklist one last time as you hear a faint chime. The front doorbell rings out, doing its job of notifying you of a customer.

God, people just can't read signs nowadays.

"Excuse me, but we're clo-" You cut yourself off as you stare at a mask within a dark void. No, that mask is attached to someone. Something. Dark clothes barely visible in the low light.

A glimmer of a knife in his hand has you taking a deep breath in. You know who this is. You know how the night will end. But you don't know why.

You're not his usual targets. You're not some common joe. Not some local sunshine that everyone loves. The only thing you offer to others is your flowers. You're not someone that'll draw attention to this little town.

Ah.

Your shop. It will be shut down without an owner. And with it, the town would be deprived of flowers until another shop opens up.

Beloved shop closes due to owner's death. How tragic.

The wind gets knocked out from your lungs as a burning sensation grows in your gut. You gasp and choke on your own breath, leaning against the thing in front of you. Cold leather meets your warm skin.

The knife slowly pulls out, the intruder getting ready to plunge it into your side again.

"W-wait," you weakly paw at his hand, trying to stop him. "One second... please," you plead, eyes fixated on the street, trying to ground yourself.

Your wishes fall on deaf ears as the knife finds a new spot to nestle into. You wheeze out, biting back tears.

He pushes you off of him and you stumble back, finding stability on one of the counters.

Your head is dizzy, adrenaline preventing any feeling of pain but that doesn't stop the numbness slowly creeping up.

You lose your footing, gripping onto the tablecloth as you fall to the ground. Sounds of glass vases hitting the ground echo through the room. But that doesn't matter. It all doesn't matter anymore. Because the most beautiful scene is right in front of you.

Flower petals float about in the moonlight, without a care in the world as they slowly fall to the ground. Acanthus, sticky catchflies, agrimonys, arnicas, celandines, asphodels, and rainflowers.

You reach out as your vision starts to darken, wanting to hold onto something. A sad smile replaces your frown. You're finally able to see what others see. Your colorless world gained hue. And you're dying.

A click and a shutter draws your attention to the looming figure above you. A picture. You want to see it. But it's too late. You can feel yourself slipping.

"It's... beautiful," you whisper out, making the killer pause in his movements. He seemed... confused? Maybe curious. Who knows. You for sure won't.

You close your eyes as you hear the faint chime, letting you know that you are now alone. Alone with your flowers. Alone. But it's peaceful. So quiet. So calm. Yeah, you think you're fine with this. With dying. You don't think you would even want to do anything else after this. You've achieved what you wanted and now it's all over. And that's fine.

[ghostsghoulsandhatboxes]

hattie box head canons go

died at 37 due to decapitation (duh), he looks older than he is due to stress in life and postmortem decomposition

mortal name was horace hatford, but he exclusively goes by hatty/hatbox (or simply h. hatford) now

ezra's younger brother, their parents had a habit of jokingly picking on hatty a lot which did not help his self esteem issues

autism creature. sensitive to loud noises especially

hes just. he has a lot of mental issues. depression and social anxiety king

selectively mute, mostly just laughs. even if youre a good friend of his he doesn't talk very much

real voice isn't as deep as it sounds in the ride, he imitates ghost host's manner of speaking for performances

loves sewing, started out making clothes (worked as a tailor in life) but also does plush toys and embroidery

more under the cut. theres a lot

favorite movie genre is sci-fi horror, but his least favorites are slasher and supernatural horror films; slashers tend to trigger trauma surrounding his and his loved ones' deaths, and supernatural horror hits different when you're a ghost (mainly the annoying amount of misconceptions and inaccuracies)

his least favorite horror movies are hereditary and pet sematary for similar reasons; he can't stand it when kids die in movies (and the decapitation scene in hereditary is especially triggering to him)

bi and demisexual but mostly just calls himself queer. he's happy being with emily so sexuality labels don't really matter to him

genderfluid, doesnt rly care about what pronouns other people use for him but mostly prefers he/him, she/her, or it/its.

has a glowing heart like emily's, which is usually hidden under his clothes

used to be a notorious prankster around the mansion, which is actually part of why he got kicked out; aside from his signature trick not being up to par at first, he liked to mess with cast members who were trying to set things up by spooking them, stealing tools, etc until they got fed up and had him booted

(based on his animatronic's b mode) had some stage fright when he came back to the mansion back in 2015; he panicked and froze up all day and felt really bad afterwards bc he didn’t want to mess up and get booted again. the ghost host was pretty understanding of this but hatty's still nervous that if he screws up badly enough he could get kicked out again

can growl like an animal for some reason. nobody knows how or why he learned to do it but he mainly just uses it to fuck with people (constance, mostly). can also "purr", it's more like a rattling wheeze. a bit unnerving but emily thinks it's cute though

spent his years away from the mansion exploring haunted places all over the world, and knows a lot about the history of said places (special interest)

can teleport his head anywhere within a 5 foot radius of himself; it can be physically carried up to 15 feet away from him, but it's tethered to his body by a sort of invisible "thread" and cannot go further than that

mild telekinesis abilities, learned from leota

has back and wrist issues carried over from when he was alive, hence the cane and shaky hands. floats most of the time bc he can't walk very fast

he gets frequent hand pains, if he does manual work like writing or sewing for long periods of time he has to take a break for a while since his hands will start hurting too badly to do anything

collects every piece of disney merch with him on it

pale asf as a mortal but does have some hispanic/latin ancestry from one of his grandparents

also bonus emily hcs

died at 23 from being stabbed in the heart

was originally engaged to dorian gracey, who was constance's nephew

loves painting, sometimes touches up the haunted portraits in the mansion at their owners' requests

adhd haver, will often fixate on a project to the point where she won't leave the same spot for days

can transform from shadowy to corpse-like to her usual mortal-esque form; her shadowy version is covered in a sort of liquid darkness that can shift in coverage, which is typically concentrated on her face and hands

was kicked out of the mansion's tour route by constance and now just stays behind the scenes. she's pretty bitter about this and regularly argues with connie about nearly anything

her heartbeat increases in volume and speed when excited, scared, or when experiencing other strong emotions

favorite movie genre is psychological horror, is also a fan of found footage horror

bi and demisexual as well

and for both of them :]

hatty likes to rest his head against emily's chest to listen to her heartbeat, they often fall asleep like this

emily is much taller than hatbox, being 6' while hatty is only 5'4"; she can lift him up pretty easily

hatbox sometimes borrows emily's shirts to sleep in

they have movie nights together at least once a week, they mostly watch classic horror and disney animated films. sometimes they get distracted and just start making out and stuff

hatbox doesn't really like being touched by anyone, especially strangers, but is very physically affectionate towards his wife

often each of them think about what their lives would've been like had they lived longer (eg them having a happy ending, getting married and spending the rest of their mortal lives together, maybe starting a family, etc), makes em both really sad though but they're happy being together in death

hatty is always more relaxed around emily, though usually he can seem a bit grouchy and antisocial to most other people

[dangermousie]

Farscape rewatch - Season of Death, 3x01

Season of Death is my favorite season opener ever. Also, what an apt name for the start of this season, which will ultimately be driven so much by death and loss and aftermath. Oh John. His ‘want to die...Aeryn is gone’ is heartbreaking. Some of the lowest he’s been.

And Scorpius is still there, the bleeding over from removed neural chip - I love that nothing is ever easy and clean in this show, there is no restart and Harvey is symbolic of the fact that you can never erase the slate to go to pre-damage state (but like Crichton, can learn to live with it.) But this Harvey, Crichton does mentally defeat in that awesome dumpster scene and how fitting that it’s Stark - someone who is also mad because of Scorpius, someone who was also tortured by him and had to learn to live with it - who helps him through. Zhaan and Stark are generally lovely here. God, I love how dark they both can be, and yet how good.

And Scorpy is as always a clever bastard who freaks me out. And WTF are Jothee and Chiana doing (more on Jothee’s side than Chiana’s. Being a bad girlfriend is one thing but Jothee is D’Argo’s son! She is so good at self sabotage.)

But none of it is what I want to talk about because Aeryn is back, brought back by Zhaan. And I love that the main motivation is because John loves her. Zhaan does owe Crichton a lot, including her own sanity, but I think it’s also guilt because it’s her actions in DMD that released the chip Crichton to go wreak havoc and kill. And how Aeryn that she comes out of her grave shooting! My favorite ever scene in Farscape, any season, any ep, is John seeing Aeryn again, in the snow, with D’Argo’s qualta blade. And his uncontrollable shaking and his disbelief, his desperate overload (which says miles of how many ways his head has been screwed with when his first reaction is that this is yet another mind trip, cruelest one of all) and then her explanation sinking through, and his touching her hair and seeing it shorter where he cut off the lock and realizing it’s indeed Aeryn, and it’s Aeryn and she is not dead…God, I can’t! And the way he says ‘You are alive’ in a voice we never heard him use before, as if he is gulping and sobbing and laughing all at once, and he crushes her to him and holds as if he is drowning and will never let go.

(The caps really do not do the scene justice because he’s literally shaking all over and I caaaan’t!) And the wonderful scene at the end of the ep, where he is standing back on Moya and she comes in, and he tells her he loves her, in a very quiet voice and she says the same and they aren’t even looking at each other, but then he walks over to her and turns her about and they are kissing and the force of their love and need and desperation literally brings them to their knees but they are not breaking the kiss.

 Screaming!

And she breaks away and says they shouldn’t act on it and I love how through he little list of reasons why they shouldn’t, he is only 1/3 listening because he is too fixated on body contact and wanting to kiss her - his thumb on her lips as she tries to explain!!!

And then he finds out about Zhaan, because yes, in Farscape, nothing is purely happy and free and Zhaan is dying now because of bringing her back. (Side note: Zhaan did this so you two can be happy, so get on with it!) I think for Aeryn, Zhaan is a reason, yes, but another is, she is terrified (and experience with chip didn’t help any): she had never loved before, never been emotionally involved…it’s terrifying to her. I love the last scene with Stark and Zhaan, his holding her in the burnt out section of Moya, a dark peace. Because there is always a price.

[mostremote]

Now that tSS is finished (Congratulations again!)

allow me to ask a million few questions..

When you started it did you know it's going to be this long?

Was this the ending you've always intended or you considered others?

Toughest chapter to write?

Most fun chapter to write?

What was the most challenging aspect of writing this?

When you started it did you know it's going to be this long?

Noooooo lmao. I expected 50-75k and I just got very carried away. I’m much chiller abt my eversnow fixation now but in the depths of my mania I was writing 5k words every day.

Was this the ending you've always intended or you considered others?

This is pretty much the ending I always intended. When this fic was in its very, very early days of planning, it was going to portray a much nastier dynamic between the two. I then had something else in mind, ending with Snow plotting her murder and Katniss getting pregnant to save her own life because Snow wanted a child. But that was very, very early on and the characterisation shook out very differently.

By the time I actually started posting the story I knew I wanted it to end with Katniss and Snow, hand in hand, addressing the nation with Katniss as the new President. Earlier in the writing process I expected it to end with Katniss deciding firmly that she would eventually kill Snow, whereas things ended up much softer and more codependent between them. (Ah, romance.)

Toughest chapter to write? Most fun chapter to write?

The answer to both of these is the same, and it’s also my favourite chapter: “Family”. This went through a lot of rewrites, including starting over almost entirely from scratch. There were all sorts of different versions of this, including versions where Haymitch showed up. It was always going to be the “visit to D12” chapter, but the final version is much more intense than the earlier drafts. I eventually decided to try to ratchet up the tension as much as possible and see just how much this dynamic could take, and so we ended up with Snow putting on Katniss’ shoes (and discovering his cute foot fetish that temporarily ruled me), Snow cradling her face and licking her tears, and Katniss’ final tearful confession. Originally they just had tea with her mum, lol. (There is also a deleted scene I really liked where Katniss annoys/flirts with Snow by trying to get Sulla to zip up her dress. But it was too lighthearted in the wake of Gale’s death.)

What was the most challenging aspect of writing this?

For a general answer, there is the weird mental health thing I went through before Christmas where I was writing this compulsively and giving myself anxiety attacks, and obviously I was processing things through this fic that I wasn’t even fully aware of. (I’m better now.)

More specifically, I think walking the line between the eroticism and horror, the romantic and the abusive, was something I often had in mind. I try not to worry too much about readers misinterpreting the work (not that there’s a “wrong” way to interpret literature but, well, interpretations that ignore significant parts of the text), but there are certain subtexts I articulated more explicitly than I otherwise would. Obviously, I think this is an extremely unhealthy, abusive relationship and it’s objectively bad for both of them, but there are definitely readers who took a rosier view of things. But you can’t hold yourself responsible for reader interpretations that ignore the text in favour of fitting the characters into archetypes.

[autisticempathydaemon]

Take all the time you need hun! I don’t wanna make you feel rushed or anything, life is always busy 💞💞💞

What song are you fixated on at the moment? What lyric or verse, and why?

Both Over & Over by Rio Romeo and Again&Again by The Bird and the Bee, those two songs have been stuck in my head recently, it fits this fear I have in my mind that I’m never truly growing or I’m never actually gonna leave where I am, that I’ll always fall victim to habit and paranoia 💃🏽 also I just ADORE my meloncholy depressing songs lol but that’s not very heehee haha of me soooo Spider Web by Melanie Martinez bc it has the sound of a Coqui in it (I’m Puerto Rican) or River is a Vampire by Bear Ghost and Dan ET bc it’s just the vampiric version of that one meme “How you do my fellow kids” and it kills me

• What is your Enneagram type?

I think I’m a type 4? but I do know I’m an ENFP!

• Do you love gargantuan Youtube video essays, and if so, which is your favorite and why?

God I haven’t watched a video essay in AGES but I used to love them, but idk what gargantuan is </3 but I typically like video essays about internet history or crime cases, or of shows I enjoy (like MLP)

• Tell me about your childhood imaginary friend.

SHE WAS A CHEETAH WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT!!! I would pet her, talk to her, and she’d keep me company when everyone would isolate me/avoid me bc I was ‘too weird’. She was just a big ass cat that would keep me company and run by the cars side to make sure I and my family was safe. She protected me 💞 (thank you for making me remember her 🥹)

• What is your go-to way to fall asleep?

Getting on call with my partner, I’m rather clingy and just wanna spend time with them even if it’s just silence or sleepy rambling, it also keeps me from doom scrolling. If not on call with them I’ll put on RSlash or Gavin’s/Davids sleep aid and hope that knocks me out (and if not that a ba LMFAO-) also if I have Lavender, I put it under/rub it all over my pillow and plushies

• If you had to change your name, what would it be, and why? (In tandem, if you have changed your name, why did you pick that one?)

Im genderfluid/gendervoid so I’ve tried many names, I do like my birth name, it means Loyal Protector/Pledge, so I wanted to find names that mean loyalty or music related names, but one name I’ve been using recently is Quincy, it feels nice sometimes, my partner suggested it to me.

• What is your favorite of Redacted's audios, and why?

Sam’s cuddles and confessions, it’s nice and comforting. That or Cataclysm in general, I fucking LOVE Cataclysm, I love relistening to it. Also any audio that involves Caelum I love that boy dearly

• What Redacted boy holds no appeal to you, and why? Like, not the one you hate but the one who you don't get the hype for. (I won't judge, I promise.)

Aaron and Vincent. Despite me being a huge vampire lover, Vincent just did not catch my attention at all, Aaron just doesn’t peak my fancy aside from one of his BA’s. Also same thing for Porter, he kinda bores me 😔

• Tell me about that one book/movie/tv show you know all the words to.

When I was a little kid, it was the live action 102 Dalmatians, I KNEW THAT MOVIE LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND!!! I FUCKING LOVED WATCHING CRUELLA BEING BAKED INTO A CAKE BY ALL THOSE DOGS. Also Oddball my beloved 💞💞💞 the sweet baby puppy, I just understood the pup for feeling like and odd one out as a grew up, I haven’t seen the movie in years now but it still holds such a special place in my heart. Now as an adult my two favorite shows are The Promised Neverland(only season 1, I’m reading the manga) and Madoka Magica. I love rewatching TPN, but Madoka I have to mentally prepare myself for cause good lord does it make me feel like I never took anti-depressants/pos and then a movie I love now, A Silent Voice. I think I do know that one scene for scene. As a kid who grew up being bullied for being different or just not doing things right, I felt strongly for the main characters. I’ve cried almost every single time I’ve watched the movie. The part where one of the characters jumped off the balcony kills me every time because it reminds me how that could’ve been me from the fresh ages of 9-16 and almost was. It just holds a special spot in my heart and helps me keep going. (I adore my sad heart wrenching shit lmfao)

• Which Redacted boy are you platonically attracted to? Like- forget dating, which dude do you want to be your best friend?

Asher and Guy, those two would be so much fun to be friends with, also with the fact I’m so similar to them, especially Asher, bro is just like me fr 💀💀💀 collars and all. Like I just wanna be that man’s friend he is so silly

• Do you have a go-to thing you ramble about when you're tired, and if so, what is it? (For example, my boyfriend knows I'm ready to sleep when | start talking about space.)

As cheesy as it is, the fact I just want everyone in the world to be okay and happy, I want us all to hold hands, hug, and not hurt. I cry during these rambles sometimes, I genuinely just want everyone to be safe and happy and it tears me up inside and out bc that’s just not possible with the world we live in. That or I just start rambling nonsense lmfao (bonus is if I start rambling about how much I love and care about the person I’m talking to)

• Tell me your go-to gas station and drink combo.

Root beer and either Hot Cheetos/Cheesy Ruffles, or spicy chicken cheese sticks, meow I’m eating the shit out of that. (But if we have the money for it, Icys specifically cherry cause it’s objectively the best flavor next to Pinacolada)

• Tell me about your favorite playlist at the moment.

Like music playlist? Currently my fave has to be either my Alexis, Quinn, or my Darlin and Quinn playlists, I love my evil people playlists and songs that represent fucked up mindsets and relationships. That or my Melancholy Comfort playlist, I enjoy my meloncholy songs.

Redacted playlist tho? Either Sam, Vega, or Caelum, Sam holds a very special place in my heart, he’s incredibly comforting and ngl I miss the less sexual audios from his earlier era. Vega just drives me feral with every new piece of info we learn, GOD I FUCKING LOVE THAT ANCIENT MAN AND THE LORE HE DROPS!!! And then Caelum’s playlist holds a special place in my heart since that was the only playlist I could listen to after finding out I was cheated on/the other woman. Helped me out a lot for about 2 months 💞

• What's your guilty pleasure media, and why?

Those shitty werewolf romance things you see on tiktok, GOD I get so fucking invested in those they’re so needlessly interesting LMFAO idc they’re cringe, I’m cringe too stfu

• And whatever else you think tells me about who you are!

I’m a huge performer! I love singing, dancing, acting, especially singing and dancing. I LIVE for the stage and positive attention, I just wanna make people smile or make people feel scene when I preform. Hopefully one day I can be famous and truly fulfill that dream of mine. I also feel emotions strongly and spent my entire childhood from middle school and up studying psychology and human behavior. Also I absolutely HATE fake people, I can’t stand when people are fake, I try to be a safe person for everyone to truly be themselves cause lord knows I always hated having to put on a mask growing up/being isolated because I didn’t fit in lmfao.

I forgot to click on anon sorry-

I adore this entry- not only did you give me so much information to work with but you’ve given me an opportunity to pair you with Lasko which I love to do.

He’s such a character in need of love, and I think you’re a perfect person to love him and be loved in return for so many reasons. He’d be an introvert to your extrovert which is always an adorable couple dynamic. You’ve mentioned a past characterized by isolation and feeling other; Lasko is uniquely situated to understand and empathize with that. You prefer true, genuine people, and Lasko is so incredibly (albeit apologetically) himself and probably incapable of being anything else.

One of the most fun activities I think you and Lasko would do together is watch anime. I like to think he’s already a fan, mostly of adventure and isekai, with some cheesy shoujo faves he’s so bashful about liking. You show him A Silent Voice, which isn’t his usual genre, and you two cry together. Another fun thing is how you’ll perform and Lasko will be in the front row every time, cheering you on. He brings you a mismatched bouquet and rambles about how he couldn’t pick a dozen of one flower, so he got a little of them all.

Song:

Cause lately it's been hard/ They're sellin' me for parts/ And I don't wanna be modern art/ But I only got half a heart to give to you/ How can you miss someone you've never seen?/ Oh, tell me, are your eyes brown, blue, or green?/ And do you like it with sugar and cream?/ Or do you take it straight, oh, just like me?

You like melancholy songs; I can provide. This is one of my favorite pining songs, and it makes me think of a young Lasko (and maybe a young you) longing for connection, love, understanding, that one person who will make the love songs finally make sense. It makes me picture Lasko just waiting for you, you know?

Runner-ups:

On the total opposite of the pairing spectrum, Hudson is one of your runner-ups because he’d be such a good match to you as a performer. I personally can’t imagine a better hype man than Hudson. I’m also picking David as a runner-up for you, because I think you two would contrast each other really cutely, in a maybe golden retriever/german shepherd way.

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[freevoidman]

I think the reason why I dislike Jaune so much just as a character is because I FEEL like the show wants him to be a narrative foil to Ruby, in a way. They’re meant to show two different sides of leadership and how each one affects their teams, they both set out at Beacon at the same time with similar-yet-different first starts (Ruby has to deal with in-drama with Weiss and, later Blake and her status as a faunus/ex-terrorist while Jaune faces out-drama in the form of Cardin). I really don’t think that the show would keep Jaune here for this long if he wasn’t supposed to serve a purpose for Ruby, the (supposed) main protagonist of the show.

But... at every point the show undercuts this narrative foil idea by having Jaune get the most active development. Jaune has the clearest motive for going after Cinder (and, by extension, Salem once he learns of her existence) post-Beacon while Ruby has the general goal of “help people.” Jaune’s grief hyper-fixates on Pyrrha, so Ruby’s grief over Pyrrha is incredibly underdefined and vague, and she doesn’t seem to care about Penny because the authors know Penny will return in V6/7 so... why have her grieve at all? 

Despite Penny having a stronger relationship with Ruby, it’s Jaune that has to kill her, despite the fact it makes less than zero sense for him to do so. The reason seems to be that the writers wanted both Ruby and Jaune to be grieving and have this idea of them dealing with it in different, unhealthy ways, but what ends up happening is that Ruby’s grief feels muted while Jaune’s is explosive and gets far more attention. Couple that with how no one seems to really pick up on how badly Ruby is doing, but they notice Jaune is dealing with a lot of shit, and Ruby gets drowned out again.

This is a cycle that constantly repeats itself. Grief and revenge are two of the strongest character motivators in writing, because they are two of the strongest forces that can drive a character to do something. And damn near every time, the writers have given that to Jaune. 

Ruby and Jaune mourn the same, specific people, but Jaune is almost always given the stronger scenes about missing them. His feelings about their passing are shown more clearly while Ruby seems to never get a moment to, or it’s reduced to a motivational speech (and don’t tell me this is Ruby “sweeping it under the rug,” because whenever she has a moment to grieve, some other character says or does something to quash it [Jaune interrupting her worries about dragging people along, Oscar flipping out about having new responsibilities, a grimm attacks, etc.])

Hell, it’s even gone so far with the villains the characters are meant to care about. Ruby should be directly contrasted with Cinder--she sees Cinder kill Pyrrha, she has several encounters with Cinder pre-Beacon falling, Cinder hates her for the physical damage Ruby caused--but the story lets Jaune be the one to constantly fight her! Ruby never fights Cinder one-on-one, it was Jaune in V5, it was Jaune again in V8 as the last one standing.

And then, Ruby’s direct antagonist switched to Neo, because Neo definitely hates Ruby over Roman’s death. That’s how she’s introduced in V6 to Cinder! She wants to kill Ruby, that’s the whole reason why she’s ganged up with Salem. Neo was placed as a higher threat than Cinder while they were fighting on the portal bridges, Neo has been on a revenge quest the entire time in the Never After, and she goes so far as to brutally torture Ruby, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

And, now that Neo has (supposedly) succeeded, and Ruby is dead? Who takes Ruby’s place immediately once Neo’s possessed by the cat?

Mother.

Fucking.

Jaune.

The conflict between Ruby and Neo carries over to Jaune and the Cat in the most literal sense possible, with the cat possessing Neo’s body. What ends up happening is that instead of acting as a narrative foil, Jaune becomes the protagonist. It’s really god damn telling that Ruby took nine volumes to get this significant an arc, but even then, it’s still undermined by Jaune! Frankly, Ruby’s arc is also undercut by her ability to recognize her flaws before she kills herself.

Ruby’s growth this volume is from committing suicide. After being tortured. She didn’t come to this realization herself, she was pushed into it (though she had clearly internalized at least a few things from her trauma, ie telling Little to leave because she’d get Little killed = Ruby believes the people she meets are doomed to die from being near her) and now she is, quite literally, being forced to change! Even if Ruby decides in the next episode that “hey, I’ve decided that I’m Ruby Rose, I don’t want to change by the blacksmith, I want to change on my own” that wouldn’t matter: she’s been pushed into making a decision no matter what, and she will change from this decision, no matter what.

Meanwhile, Jaune is confronted with his own trauma, how he’s harmed others because of his trauma, and accepts this on his own. Yes, WBY are there to help him, but ultimately he comes to this realization and accepts it with minimal outside help. 

RWBY has always had a problem clearly defining it’s protagonists. Though I’m giving them a lot of credit with the narrative foil idea, when you look back at V1, it’s really hard to not see the writers struggling to keep the team in focus without drifting heavily towards Jaune and Pyrrha, at the very least.

I’m going to be real here: as of writing this, it’s unclear whether Jaune has “ascended” or died. iirc he’s just fallen after taking a VERY heavy hit. If I had a choice here, I would kill Jaune. I truly would. Not out of hate or spite, but because every single volume he has undercut the main cast, repeatedly, to the point where he’s no longer a “narrative foil” to Ruby, but instead he’s the protagonist of the tale, with Ruby being a showman to lure audiences in.

Ruby hasn’t been a protagonist in a very long time. She has struggled to fit the role of a protagonist, and WBY as deuteragonists, ever since the show started airing, because RWBY keeps introducing more side characters, and have the side characters interact with Jaune and the others, or everyone as a collective group. It’s infuriating, because I want to see Ruby grow on her own power, but every time that possibility is there, Jaune takes it, and I’m tired of it.

[sparklegemstone]

Loki Series S2E1 Ouroboros

My thoughts (only a week and a half late 😋) --

That was...HONESTLY GREAT??!! I'm so surprised how good it was given that my expectations were set pretty low.

When I looked at creative leadership for S2, I wasn't expecting much of a departure from S1 because Eric Martin and Michael Waldron carried over as the writers from S1 to S2, but I guess what I missed was that, correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like Waldron is really just billed in name only and didn't contribute much because he got pulled onto other Disney projects, and since Martin was 2nd to Waldron in season 1, perhaps Martin with more control is able to bring a different perspective than he did for S1? Also, directors have changed, we have the Moon Knight directors now, and perhaps most of the positive changes I'm seeing I can thank them for, since I loved Moon Knight (until it got comic-book-silly in the later episodes with the purple alien-looking world ™ that's become a Marvel crutch that seems to be surpassing even the "sky portal/beam" now as an overdone device). Actually, it makes sense that a change of directors would make a bigger difference than a change in show runner / writer since again, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe Marvel Studios has been running their TV show productions more like films where the director's creative voice is king, whereas in typical TV show production it's the showrunner/writer's creative voice that is king and directors step in to carry out that vision on a per episode basis.

Any-hoo...

This episode worked so well for me because the setup and stakes were serious and all this episode needed to do was keep the tone serious and execute on the setup from the previous season finale, and it did! Excellent execution, yay! Serious tone, yay! I think the episode probably benefitted in my eyes from the fact that it didn't need to accomplish any character stuff (TBD whether this season can improve on that aspect) and so could not fall short in that regard, it was very much a 'doer' episode of having a concrete threat / conflict to solve and the characters just went about trying to tackle what was in front of them.

Loki's face when he genuinely thought he was going to die? They did not have to go THAT HARD with the drama and emotion and I love that they chose to go hard and set Hiddleston's acting chops free. So much emotion on his face.

Speaking of how I thought the more serious tone was handled really well, I think Mobius's recurring fixation on the "no skin" thing is a really good example of that. Obviously the fact that Mobius kept bringing it up multiple times was done for comedic purposes, and it could have been played more hokey and jokey, but the directors did a fantastic job of incorporating that while also at the same time keeping the tone serious and keeping the tension up.

Season 1 did not make me believe that Loki and Mobius would be such close compatriots as this episode portrays, the previous attempt at character work did not do it for me, but I guess I'll just try to do a mental reset, take it as a given that they very close for some reason, and see where this season goes from here.

I liked Ouroboros. He was entertaining and a good change of pace for another support TVA character since I don't really enjoy Casey. And the whole sequence of Loki talking to Ouroboros in the past while Mobius was talking to him in the present was very well-written and a clever idea. I really enjoyed that.

Almost no Sylvie was also a plus for me that I know is not going to last, but might as well enjoy it in the meantime. I even thought the actress did just fine in the mid-credits scene and wouldn't have minded her if only Sylvie was just her own person and not a Loki variant, but I'm so done with seeing her in a reproduction of Loki's armor.

For me the only weaknesses of the episode were:

Sound mixing -- I had a hard time making out some of the dialog

I wasn't really following all the sudden exposition about why both Loki and Mobius were going to die and this thing they had to do with this piece of tech to not die...I think the setup for that could have been clearer.

So I'm feeling more hopeful that I could like this season better and my interest is definitely up. I think the test will be how the new directors handle more character-focused scenes when it's not running-around-under-a-time-crunch to see if this season will improve on that.

@delyth88

[girl4music]

Can I just talk about this scene for a hot minute? I don’t think people realize how important it really is for more than just the first on-screen kiss part of it and therefore why it actually belongs in this episode.

Willow is hyper-fixating on what type of clothing she’s going to wear to meet Buffy at the hospital, as it’s really the only thing she can control right now as everything else is falling apart around her. Her mind is panicking as she tries to think of all the meanings a piece of cloth can have while Tara tries to reassure her that it really doesn’t matter what she wears. But Willow is not listening as she tries to figure it all out.

Willow is near to having a full blown panic attack in this scene. There is such turmoil going on in her head. So much distress and fear. So she externalises those emotions and those thoughts by worrying over what she should wear because that’s tangible. That’s something she has within her reach to grasp on to. Something she can control. She’s projecting the mental chaos. A way of dealing with an uncontrollable situation. And it’s bloody brillIant. Incredibly well performed by Alyson Hannigan. She absolutely nails what it’s like to experience deep levels of anxiety. The compulsive overthinking The intense feelings of loss of control. The hyperventilating. The shaking. The trembling. The crying. The worrying. The wandering back and forth. The physical freezing up. The none-deciding or non-concluding and around and around again. Over and over again. Just the complete irresolution of the whole experience of an anxiety attack. Until someone takes you out of your fucking insane chaotic head.

SHE NAILS IT!!!

Everything is so well performed, written, directed and produced in this episode. It’s probably the greatest piece of performance art I have ever seen in my life. But THIS scene. This scene hits fucking home for me. Gellar gets A LOT of praise for her performance and rightly so. But Hannigan’s is just as fantastic to me because she realistically portrays OCD the way Gellar realistically portrays PTSD. Through the experience of visceral reactions. In fact all the actors are really good at portraying deep levels of complex trauma all throughout ‘The Body’ that are worth mentioning and meriting. Praising.

Regarding ‘The Kiss’.

A lot of people do not like that Tillow’s first on-screen kiss was in this episode because it can’t be enjoyed in the same way it could if it was in another episode and thus it seems inappropriate to have it in ‘The Body’. Joss said that actually it was appropriate to put it here because it humanises their romantic/sexual relationship. It’s the way Tara just goes in for the kiss after first kissing her forehead, knowing it’s not going to be enough to calm her girlfriend down and the way Willow readily accepts. It’s a sweet kiss. One filled with compassion and reassurance. I disagree that it didn’t belong here. I definitely think this was the right way to have their first on-screen kiss because this couple is absolutely encapsulated in mutual validation. So it’s only right that their first on-screen kiss be used for that purpose. Validation.

Tara’s aim is to comfort Willow, not to overstep her boundaries. Willow needs her presence all around her to take her out of her chaotic head. It’s being in her head that is triggering her anxiety to escalate into a panic attack. Tara intuitively knew that she needed to pull her away from that and the only way to do it was through physical sensation. It was right. When you kiss someone, you’re pulling their energy into yours and you’re transferring yours to theirs. I can imagine that Empaths are great lovers because of this and while it’s been pointed out that Tara isn’t an Empath herself, she clearly possesses the potential to be one because she can read energy and instinctively knows how to use her own energy to comfort and to validate someone else’s energy.

That’s your basic definition and purpose of an Empath. To take away pain or negative energy through absorbing it into yourself. And Tara doesn’t just do that for Willow - her girlfriend. She does it for the others too. And ‘The Body’ best depicts her skill of empathy. If it was anyone else, yeah, maybe the kiss wouldn’t have been a good idea to put here. But because it is, I think it really works that it is here because it’s who Tara Maclay is. It’s her purpose in serving a narrative that doesn’t revolve around her but effectively makes her stand out among the rest. It wasn’t in bad taste to put their first kiss here. Quite the opposite. It humanises same-sex love.

[purgatorypartyyy]

An oil painting I made for my mom.

Originally, I knew I wanted to paint a landscape with a sunset. I was going to paint a depiction of a photo I took on the day I said goodbye to my friend. After two days of waiting in the hospital, and hoping for things to get better, they declared her time of death. There was nothing else for all of us, her friends and family to do, so we left. My parents and I were going to go back to our hotel room, but the thought of dwelling in that room was too much for me to handle. So we drove to the beach and watched the sunset, wrote her name in the sand, and had dinner at an Edgar Allan Poe themed restaurant. The night before I sobbed in my mom’s arms like I never had. My mother’s arms have become an uncomfortable and confusing place to seek shelter. But I needed to be held so badly in that moment, so I let her hold me. Before I arrived in town, I had some piece of hope left to hold onto, but after the first day in the hospital I knew what was coming. I’ve never experienced the degree of emotional pain that I did that night in my bed. I wept for what my life would become after all of it.

My life has become a lot of things, and most days I carry the grief so heavily. Most nights I can’t stop yearning to hug my friend and hear her voice. I decided I wanted to paint the scene of the beach outside of a class on my own time without input and observation. It’s something I want to fully feel and react to with my art. I didn’t really get the chance to process it all. The sunset was the only beautiful thing in life that day, and for many of the days that have since followed. I felt somewhat sorrowful as it set, but really utter shock. I felt disconnected from everything in my world. It’s a feeling I can’t put into words, and I would never want someone to feel what I did that evening.

Instead I painted a scene from the lakehouse my mom is fixing up. My mom will always be my first love and my final heartbreak. Our relationship is complicated, she is a complicated person. I get really anxious thinking about her and her mental health. Since my friend’s death, I’ve found myself fixating on my loved ones dying—my friends, my family, my pets, myself. I often have nightmares about losing my friend again, or those people in the same way. My mother’s life revolves around her work, and as a result she neglects a lot of her life. It makes me depressed. After she bought this house though, she has spent every weekend and day off there that she can.

Usually when I call her, she vents about work. I can feel the distress seeping out of the phone. Lately though, she talks about her projects she’s working at down there, and sends me pictures of her new yard decorations and the progress in the house. She talks about how still it is down there. It’s just a house, but I think it’s changing her. Maybe even saving her.

When I started painting I didn’t expect to be “good”. Over time I discovered I have a natural ability to paint. The time I spent in my studio space this semester brought me so much peace. I started feeling sad that I haven’t taken the time to create art. I miss writing and singing, and figured out I miss painting too.

So I made this peace as a love letter to my mom. I also made it for myself without really knowing the meaning until after. It’s worth it to take the time to appreciate a sunset, or to create art just for the sake of creating it. These acts allow me to have something beautiful on the days I can’t find beauty or life in anything else. It’s hard for me to express love to her in other ways. Sometimes I am filled with hate and resentment. I hope when I look at this painting it can remind me of how important it is to invest in the parts of my life who’s only purpose is to bring me joy, respite, and an outlet for expression. Those moments make me feel as though my life is worth living.

[badedramay]

so i’m not the one who usually asks for your weekly thoughts on yunhi but yesterday’s episode was probably the best one yet and i’m excited to hear your thoughts! i keep playing that monologue from dawood over and over in my head, and the way the drama uses characters overhearing conversations from hallways to reveal the horrible mentalities that families attempt to hide away behind closed doors is fantastic. every scene yesterday had me utterly gripped!

I..literally had to force myself to sit through the episode and had it not been for the terrace convo with Kim&Dawood I'd have noped outta the epi cuz these narrative points...disturb me? any time a drama, even as subtly as how Yunhi does, bring up the point of an entire family ganging up together to strip away the choice and agency of a woman that is her right by law and by religion..i just can not stomach any of that. I tweeted about it while watching the episode. that showing this zabardasti in the name of "farz ki adaigi" has done a LOT in me personally being so put off by the topic of marriage. idc if it sounds stupid to anyone that I take depiction of marriages and how marriages take place in our dramas as a gauge to measure the real horrors of this institution but i DO. for years and years our dramas have only shown the ugly and negative sides of marriage which i KNOW do exist but kya waqai itni andhernagri machi hui hai?? that it's just heaping pile of troubles with a rare glimmer of hope and happiness stashed somewhere within it which is then paraded as "look! Isn't marriage great?! why the hell does anyone object to it? it's great! it's beautiful! It's perfect!" ummm..thanks but no thanks.

Yunhi though BLESS ITS VERY EXISTENCE thankfully chose NOT to go down the same route despite giving us a direction that it was going to turn that way. until Kim's dejected conversation with Zulfi..things were going down that predictable way. Dawood trying to take a stand for Kim but his obedience making him unable to do so. Kim overhearing Razia and Daniyal speaking shit about her to Dawood and trying to make him turn against Kim by basically telling him to become the worst version of a desi man that Kim has always been wary of. uper se the added heartbreak and disappointment of Suraiya..SURAIYA OF ALL PEOPLE..throwing Kim under the bus like that.

(can I just say Maya Ali was just so darn terrific in portraying the tumultuous emotions Kim was experiencing in that night and how she showed them without breaking down in tears? just by a defeated slump of her shoulders..her gaze fixated on a distance point in the space..her tone losing all of its ferocity as she carefully stitched her sentences lest her offhand comment be once again misconstruted to turn her into a liar. LIES the one thing Kim absolutely abhors. her honesty and integrity are a matter of PRIDE for her. her PRIDE was shattered by Suraiya in front of the whole family. Kim's reaction of losing a grip on her own self was very appropriate. and Maya, once again, NAILED it. Bilal on the other hand keeps benefiting from an impeccably written character with no effort of his own to make it shine brighter )

what makes Kim&Dawood stand apart is how willing they are to TALK and LISTEN to each other. since the beginning they have had no qualms in being honest about their views with each other and never hesitated in sharing them. and it continues to grow and make their relationship stronger. because Dawood is the only one with whom Kim's words are safe while other family members either dismiss her words or twist them for their own benefit..Kim doesn't worry in speaking of her fears. the fact that she outright told Dawood that she knows his family wants him to be "strict" with her and are actively discouraging him from engaging with any conversation with her where she might come out as being "right" is a testament of how, despite the delicate situation, her trust in Dawood stands strong. I found legitimate fear of losing the only one person in the house who understands her in her voice and her eyes when she asks him would he not question her or demand any explanation from her. and Dawood..uff DAWOOD!!! the way he just KNOWS what to say and the art of HOW to say it..yeah one has to be completely devoid of any emotion to not feel that in the heart.

the one ABSOLUTE thing about Dawood and how he treats his relationship/marriage with Kim is just how sorted his priorities are. yes, he taunts and jokes about Kim not giving him the "right" he has over her as her husband (i.e. to have sex with her) but he is so well aware of the fact that marriage is MORE than just the physical relationship between two people. that a husband's rights are not limited to how his wife is supposed to treat him in bed and that a husband has far more responsibilities towards the wife that do not cease to exist if that one right of being sexually satisfied is not being fulfilled. we really don't see this kind of a relationship in PakDramas despite many dramas having this trope of "shadi hogayi but woh rishta nahin bana". unlike Kim, Dawood does not masqurade his actions as generosity towards his "friend" that Kim so insists Dawood is for her. no. Kim is Dawood's WIFE. a wife in the truest sense like a partner. he's her "libaas". it is his duty towards her to be loyal to her foremost. to be emotionally available to her. to lend her an ear not just be the mouth to speaks to her. to pray for her. to want to protect her. to respect her autonomy. to caution her against bad decisions. to trust her. to not dismiss her. to not control her. to change the pace of his strides to be able to walk BESIDE her, not in front of behind her. and Dawood DOES all of that. he does it as a HUSBAND. because a husband or a wife..the one person you make a decision to spend your life with..that person becomes your all in one package if you treat that relationship right. a friend, a lover, a elder to guide you, a child to indulge, a sympathetic shoulder to turn to at the end of a tough day, a stern mentor to prepare your for battle; what ISN'T that a spouse can't be??

my theory was right; Kim will fall for Dawood based on how he acts in this Suraiya mess. and we saw that. the way Kim's demeanor changed when Dawood affirmed his trust in her and the way he apologized to Kim for the behavior of his sister; making sure to give both his sister and his wife equal amount of respect. that's all Kim wants him to do right? be just in how he treats the relationships. and if there was any confusion left about when Kim falls for Dawood, all of that was cleared when she addressed him as DAWOOD. I saw this as Kim finally accepting Dawood for who he is. for finally SEEING Dawood for who he is. away from her personal prejudices and judgements that had her keeping him at an arm's length...this was her coming to a clarity that this man that she's married to? it's the real deal.

GAH THIS IS ALREADY SO LONG AND I ONLY TALKED ABOUT KIM&DAWOOD BUT DAMNIT THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE THAT I AM THE MOST INVESTED IN I CAN'T HELP IT!! but yes yes YESS to how the trope of characters overhearing conversations is used in this drama. not to create misunderstandings but to clarify them. the point about horrible realities being shut behind closed doors is also real because we have all SEEN how people talk when no one is in the room vs while sitting in a bhari mehfil. I can't even say I am disappointed in Razia, she's acting just as her character. what i do find surprising is how Basharat is being influenced by Kim. how Kim pointing out the dysfunctionality of the relationship dynamics of this house isn't just affecting her peers but also Basharat. he too is a son who has been hurt by his father's parenting style. the realization of Basharat that he too has been abused came in a poignant manner when he confessed that there was a lot in his heart that he has always felt but he couldn't speak cuz he didn't know he could SAY it was beautiful and heartbreaking. i love how Yunhi pointed out that it's not just Dada's daughters that suffered from his bad decisions, his son too suffered. Patriarchy victimizes the men as well but that's not a discussion that's held alot. in a subtle way Yunhi reminded the viewers of that. on the surface it might look like Basharat benefited the most from being a son and that he, unlike his sisters, lives a perfect life. but no, NO! that's not true. in being his father's son, Basharat never got to be his own son's FATHER! he is being made into an outsider in the matters most concerning to him all because of this pressure that he has to uphold the patriarchial system of the household that will not give him any position of power for as long as his father is alive. like..that's messed up. that's freakin' messed up! I am so curious to see what Basharat will do with this realization. highkey glad that Kim is not made to be shown alone in this mess. Zulfi, Dawood, and Naveed are all on her side. another ally in the shape of Basharat will tip the scales in a very interesting manner.

[ak-harper-loves-fiction]

Short Story About Helping Friends With Their Mental Illnesses

Well, if it isn’t hell on Earth, Amber thinks as she approaches Saint Dymphna High School for the second time today. The brick, prison-like structure gets larger as she walks further, but she does not have the same pit in her stomach she gets when she comes in the morning. Instead, she has the relentless sensation of satisfaction. Her mind keeps filling her head with thoughts of pride. I finally got Theo to attend an after-school event!

Every year, the Science Club at Saint Dymphna holds a fair where people get to come an hour or two after school has ended to meet up and do ‘sciencey things’. At least, that is how Theo had worded it to Amber when she asked him about it. He had originally been dismissive, but after she kept pushing, he eventually caved in once they both agreed to call it ‘Nerdfest’.

When she reaches the concrete path to the school's front entrance, Amber scans the scene. Where is that recluse, anyway? All she sees ahead of her are trees, grass, and benches that outline the edges of the pathway. She stares at the front door and notices people inside through the glass. Did he go inside already? she wonders.

“You’re early,” a voice says behind her. She turns around to see Theo who offers her a small smile and a wave. “It doesn’t start ‘til four-thirty. It’s four-twenty-nine now.” He holds out his phone’s lock screen for proof. 

She scoffs and crosses her arms. “A minute early is nothing.” 

“Whatever you say, boss.”

Amber grins. “Aren’t you excited for Nerdfest? This is your first outside-of-school event in, wait, how long?”

“A while.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, fixating on the ground. “Hey Amber, I know it seems ridiculous to back out now, but…” 

“But?”

Theo takes a few steps back, never looking up. “But, well, I don’t know. I-I don’t think I can do this.”

She opens her mouth to ask what he means, but then she watches him finally look up and gaze at the school in front of him. He immediately tenses and takes another step back. Oh shit, she thinks. “Are you okay?”

He jumps slightly at the question. “Oh yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. I know you wanted to go, so I guess you can go without me-”

“No,” Amber cuts him off. “Theo, I’m not doing this without you.” 

Theo darts his eyes around for a second. “I need to sit down.” He abruptly walks over to one of the benches and sits down. His leg starts to bounce. “You can go inside if you want. I just need a minute.”

She takes a seat next to him on the bench. “Again, I’m not going in without you.” She finds herself also growing tense. I hope I don’t make it worse, she starts to worry. 

“Seriously, you can go in, if you want.” He winces as a chattering group of students passes the bench and heads inside. He pushes his hand down on his leg to try to stop it from bouncing. “Don’t let me hold you back.”

“You’re not holding me back in the slightest.” I only came to this for you, she wants to tell him. “It wouldn’t be fun without you. I wanted to do this together.”

“You don’t have to say that just ‘cause we’re friends,” Theo mumbles while focusing on the concrete. His hands tremble and he tries to hide it by shoving them in his pockets again. “I’m sorry for-”

Amber puts her hand up for him to stop. “Me sticking with you has nothing to do with feeling sorry for you and everything to do with the fact that I would like you to be there with me at the fair.” She pauses to soften her speech. Don’t come off too strong. “I wanna learn about nerdy shit with my best friend.” She gives him a playful nudge. 

He subtly recoils. “You don’t have to say that-”

“You’re right. I don’t have to, but I want to. Because you deserve to know that I’m not going to go to Nerdfest without my nerdy best friend.” Take the damn compliment this time, bitch, she mentally adds. 

Theo stays silent for a second as if he is contemplating a response. Sure enough, he forces a smirk and jokes: “All I’m missing are the braces and another lens for my other eye.” He points to his monocle. 

Amber lets out an exaggerated gasp. “Your Theoness is slowly returning.”

He pulls his hands out of his pockets. “No tremor. I guess it is.”

“Ready for Nerdfest?” She stands up and holds out her hand. 

He also stands up, looking back at the school and hesitating. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”