#firstkissweek2020

[myemergence]

The Thought of Losing You

A/N: Submission for Buddie First Kiss Week, prompt: after a fight

Big thanks to marciaelena for the beta!

Check out all of my stories over on AO3

**

When Buck was a kid and he'd get upset about something, he always had Maddie. She would sneak a carton of ice cream out of the freezer and they would climb into her bed and watch something on TV. Somehow it always made what was going on fade away, made all of his problems seem a little bit smaller. As Buck got older and Maddie moved away from home he'd still climb into his bed with ice cream and call Maddie when he had a particularly hard day. They'd choose a movie and watch it together while they talked on the phone. And his problems didn’t seem so big anymore.

It had been a terrible and rotten day today. He had a particularly terrible end of shift and it wasn't even because of the call. It was the aftermath.

He wanted to call his sister, but he knew she was at work and he couldn't bother her just because he couldn't handle being an adult . He couldn't call Eddie, because Eddie was pissed and not talking to him, the entire cause for Buck’s mood.

When Buck first got home he busied himself with cleaning the loft from top to bottom; he did all of the laundry in his apartment, and even cleaned out the refrigerator. He showered and changed into a pair of sweats. And now? Buck just feels empty.

He leaves his phone discarded on the counter along with his keys, front door locked,  and burrows into the blankets in his bed, ice cream carton in hand. Buck knows it's not the same as having Maddie here or even the same as hearing her voice on the phone. At least those times he'd felt connected to her. He knows she's working and she's going to Chim's when she gets off from work at ten. He's not going to be the guy that interferes with that just because he's moping. He flips through the channels mindlessly before settling on a movie.

He can't focus on it.

All he can think about is the argument he had with Eddie and the absolute anger that rolled off of him in waves. Buck struggles to think of another time that he's seen Eddie so angry, with the brunt force of that focused solely on Buck.

It's been hours since their shift ended and he tried calling Eddie after he first got home. It went to voicemail and Buck hung up before leaving a message because really, what was the point of leaving a message anyway?

Buck sent a couple of texts asking Eddie to please just talk to him. His text messages had gone unanswered.

Buck got the message loud and clear.

He was just doing his job, why couldn't Eddie see that?

You're so careless, do you ever stop to think? Eddie's words echo in Buck's ears even ten hours later.

He silently eats a heaping spoonful of the creamy chocolate ice cream, trying to push Eddie's words away.  It's draining all of the energy out of him. He tries to push the words away, push Eddie's anger away, but somehow it just lingers.

Buck sighs heavily. Doesn't Eddie realize that he was just trying to protect Eddie and keep him safe? He has a son to go back home to, he needs to be more careful than he's been lately, make sure that he's around for Christopher.

Buck feels bitter about it, but there's not much that he can do.

Buck looks on as Friends with Benefits starts to play and one corner of his lip pulls up slightly. This is one of Maddie's favorites. If he's being honest, it's become one of his favorites too, although he’d never admit it. He sets the near-empty ice cream carton on the edge of the bed. He yawns before he settles down in the warmth of his comforter, exhaustion burning his eyes as much as the unshed tears.

Buck thought that they understood each other. He thought that Eddie would accept what happened today and be thankful that he was able to go home to his son safely.

He isn't sure how long it takes, but his eyes get heavy and he's unable to keep them open any longer.

________________________________

Buck's eyes open groggily when he hears someone pounding on the door. He ignores it at first, going down to the freezer and grabbing another pint of ice cream. He glances at the clock and sees that it's almost ten. He hears the knocking persist as he pulls the ice cream from the freezer, deciding that he's not going to open it. Who the hell would show up at his apartment this late anyway?

He's moving back upstairs to restart the movie, pretends that Maddie's here to make him feel better.

So far he's doing a shitty job of pretending.

He's almost up the stairs when he hears the key turn in the lock as he gets back into bed. Buck can't quite see as most of the lights are off downstairs. "Maddie?"

Buck hears the door close, and, a moment later, Eddie’s voice. "Don't you know how to answer your cell phone, man? I've been trying to get ahold of you for the last EIGHT hours."

Buck shrugs. "Apparently something else I do wrong," he mutters, quiet enough that Eddie can't hear him from downstairs.

"I thought something happened to you. You can't just-" There’s the sound of the door being locked before the lights turn on downstairs. Buck watches Eddie ascend the stairs towards his room, watches as Eddie stands there looking at him.

"What? I can't ignore you? Oh, I forgot that's the Eddie Diaz special . I'll make sure that you're the only one that gets to ignore someone next time."

Eddie sighs heavily from where he stands across the room. "Can we talk about this?"

"Do we even have anything to talk about? I'm reckless and don't think about anyone or anything else, right? I got the message loud and clear, Eddie." All he does is think about Eddie and Christopher. He feels his chest ache as he remembers their argument back at the station when they'd returned from the call.

"Buck," Eddie sighs. "We both know that I’m terrible at this ." He waves his hand around without direction. "Please."

Buck sighs as he sets his carton of ice cream down. "Sit down," he says finally, motioning to the bed.

"I'm sorry I got angry with you," Eddie says finally as he moves to sit on the edge of the bed, voice even. "I was just so frustrated because once again, you were putting yourself on the line. Buck, you could have died. And you didn't even stop to think about that."

Buck laughs, and it sounds a little broken and unnatural. "Is that really what you think? That I just don't think about anything? You think that little of me."

"If you thought about it, you wouldn't just rush in there like you're a fucking hero every time. You would realize that you have people that you need to stick around for. Cap called it and you went back into the building. You could have died . Then your little niece that's supposed to be meeting her Uncle Buck for the first time in a few months, she'll only know him by stories. Is that what you want?"

He rubs his hands down over his face. "Of course that isn't what I want . But if I was in there then it would mean that you were safe. If I was in there that would mean Chim was safe. If I was in there it meant that Hen was safe. Every single one of you has someone that you have to go back to. I'm not about to make you guys risk your lives more than you need to, not if I can-"

"Unbelievable," Eddie mutters. "Honestly. Yes, we all have people to go home to, people who love us. But you have people that you need to be safe for."

"An empty apartment. That's what I come home to. Yeah, I have a sister and a niece on the way, but it's not the same thing."

"That's all you have, then? A sister and a niece on the way?" Eddie asks him pointedly. Buck swallows hard but remains silent as he lowers his eyes. He doesn't know how Eddie wants him to answer that question. He knows that there are people in his life who would miss him, but they don't depend on him.  "You'd leave a soon to be brother-in-law behind, your friends-"

"They would all be fine! Yeah, they'd be sad, but they don't depend on me. They don't need me." Buck's body feels heavy with the weight of the conversation. Arguing with Eddie, of all people, is one of his least favorite things to do. It reminds him of how things were after the lawsuit, and he cringes at the memory. "They don't need me in the same way that Christopher needs you to come home, Eds. What would he do if you didn't come home one day?" A broken laugh bubbles past Buck’s lips and he swipes at his tears. "We almost found out. It wasn't that long ago that we almost lost you forty feet underground. We had to consider what life would be like without you and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.  I don't think that Christopher would survive the loss of another parent. Isabel- I don't even know how I would ever explain it to her. I don't think I could survive it--telling them, or losing you."

Buck isn't sure when Eddie scooted closer on the bed,  but his hands are resting on top of Buck's now. "You think that people don't need you? That I don't, that Christopher doesn't?" Eddie gently squeezes his hands, searching for Buck's gaze. "I have watched you almost die more times than I care to remember. Under the ladder truck. After your embolism. After the tsunami. So now every time that you choose to put yourself in these high-risk situations at work, it tears me apart. And yeah, part of that's the job and I get that, but you do it without consideration of what that could do to me ." Eddie's voice shakes as he looks down, thumb tracing along the back of Buck's hand. "Because that could be the time that you don't make it out. That could be the time that you leave me and Christopher behind. I don't think I could survive it, Ev. I—"  

Buck stops Eddie with a firm press of his lips, his fingers curl  at the nape of Eddie’s neck to draw him closer. The kiss is wet and messy, and Eddie takes Buck's face in both hands. The mere thought of losing Eddie is gut-wrenching, which makes Buck want to burrow deeper into Eddie and never come up for air. He needs to be closer, to eliminate every bit of space between their bodies, so he presses Eddie back until he's laying on the bed. Buck moves one hand to Eddie's hip, gently gripping there as they continue to kiss. Finally, he draws back and leaves Eddie panting on the bed beneath him.

It takes a minute for Eddie to compose himself before a breathless "oh" slips past his lips. Buck's unable to contain his laughter, and he drops his head forward until it rests on Eddie's shoulder, his body shaking with it. "Why are you laughing, you dick?" Buck tries his best to get it under control as he looks down at Eddie.

"'Oh'? That's honestly the best that you could come up with? I kiss you after months of — whatever the hell it is that we've been doing and all you have to say is 'oh'."

Eddie laughs easily at his words, eyes crinkling at the corners before he reaches up and brushes a thumb against Buck's cheek. "Don't be stupid next time, or I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Guess you're gonna have to show me what I have to stick around for."

"Guess so," Eddie hums his agreement before he reaches up a hand behind Buck's neck and draws him down, Buck's weight heavy against Eddie. Their lips brush together lightly this time, a promise to Buck that he’ll always have something to come home to.

[matan4il]

Fic: Blue Against Blue (3/18)

Eddie gets an opportunity he's wanted for a long time, to attend the advanced firefighting training course on behalf of the 118. He's fought for this, just like he's been fighting for the sake of his son Chris to keep his marriage to Shannon afloat. A fellow firefighter at the course turns out to be everything he couldn't have expected.

Chapter three is up and belongs to @buddiefirstkissweek​, for free choice day. 

The ever lovely @toughpaperround encouraged me to try and create something visual for this fic, so I finally caved and tried to make a moodboard. Some of the images have already been featured in the first three chapters, others are mentioned later in the story. 

This chapter is dedicated to the sweet @depthandcharacter who identified an Easter egg in the last one, in how Buck introduces himself to Eddie. He does so by saying, “Buck, actually,” a nod to the title of 911′s episode 208, where Buck met the surviving partner of the elderly gay couple.

If you’ve been following or supporting this fic, thank you so much! This chapter is then also dedicated to you!

(AO3 link in the reblog)

[madamewriterofwrongs]

Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Henrietta “Hen” Wilson, Bobby Nash, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley Additional Tags: Buddie First Kiss Week, Buddie First Kiss Week 2020, First Kiss, Feelings Are Confusing, eddie is trying, buck is worried, Getting Together, Light Angst, is it even angst if it’s just internal confusion?, Talk about feelings, Tumblr Prompt

Eddie hears that Buck has been in an accident and it…does things to his brain. In which Eddie tries to figure out what his feelings even if he can’t find a specific word for it.

@buddiefirstkissweek Day 7: Author’s Choice

I chose…feelings? 

[matan4il]

Fic: So Grows My Heart with Every Line

Summary: Eddie takes up his therapist Frank’s suggestion to start painting again. He ends up finding his inspiration in the place he least expected.

Written for @buddiefirstkissweek , for the 'domestic' prompt. I am responsible for nothing, these fools brought this fluff on themselves.

Notes: Belated birthday gift to @riarklus ! Darling, you are so creative, your creations so beautiful, I wanted to write something for you that would speak to the importance of art in our lives, so this idea was born out of that. Thank you for all you do for the fandom, for helping me with my meta, for always being so genuinely enthusiastic and supportive and for being my friend. I love you and I wish you a happy day always, not just on your b-day! xoxox Thank you to @toughpaperround for being an amazing, encouraging beta and to @hearteyesforbuck for brainstorming with me on this fic, no doubt it would be poorer without you! (link to AO3 in the reblog)

[myemergence]

Snowflake

A/N: Thanks to Nicole for the beta on this story! I hope you enjoy the Christmas-themed day 7 of First Kiss Week.

@buddiefirstkissweek

Read my other fics on AO3

**

If anyone were to ask Eddie Diaz what he hates the most this time of the year, he wouldn’t even need to pause and think it over.

It was hands down, no questions asked, the fucking elf.

An elf that is supposed to watch over kids and report their good and bad behavior back to Santa himself. When did Santa Clause stop being enough for kids that they needed an added incentive to behave? When he was a kid, all it took was one threat of being on the naughty list and Eddie would snap back into shape. He’d spend days trying to get back into Santa’s good graces and make it back onto the nice list. Luckily for Eddie, Chris is a great kid and he doesn’t need an Elf on the Shelf to encourage him to be on his best behavior. Most of the time, Eddie’s kid has better behavior than his dad. Still, he’d asked for an Elf on the Shelf this year.

Eddie already told him that he couldn’t have one, and to say that Christopher was disappointed was an understatement. Eddie tries to give Chris everything that he wants, especially this time of the year.

But even Eddie has limits.

___________________________________

It’s early December and the hustle and bustle of the season are already in full swing. There are red kettles in front of most of the stores with bell ringers, Christmas lights on display in every storefront, and even the firehouse is oozing holiday cheer from every crack and crevice.

Eddie takes a sip of his coffee at the start of the shift, the rest of the crew settling into their seats around the table. 

“So, what is it that all of your kids are asking for this year that they’re  not  going to get?” Hen asks with a chuckle.

“A switch,” Bobby says with a small shrug, plating some eggs as he glances over at Hen.

“Denny wants a laptop,” Hen laughs before everyone’s eyes shift over to Eddie. “What about Chris?”

“An Elf on the Shelf,” Eddie answers before the other two parents on their team quiet, looking at him quizzically. 

“A what?” Buck asks as he grabs a strip of bacon from his plate and bites into it.

“An Elf on the Shelf,” Eddie repeats before he takes a bite of scrambled eggs. “It’s this stupid elf doll that comes with a storybook. The elf is supposed to watch the kid and then go back to the North Pole and report to Santa if they’ve been naughty or nice.”

“Okay and Chris isn’t getting this why?” Buck asks, squinting at Eddie, as though the squint is going to suddenly make things more clear.

“Because it’s just one more thing, Buck. It’s the holiday party at school, going to see Santa, picking out a Christmas tree, decorating, baking cookies, breakfast with Santa, shopping, wrapping the presents,  and… ” Eddie glances around and realizes that everyone is staring at him and sighs. “I just… I don’t need one more thing to remember.” 

“It’s fun.” Bobby finally says. “After Harry goes to bed at night we get to be creative and move the elf. He loves checking first thing in the morning to see what trouble he’s gotten into overnight.”

“It’s fun until someone forgets to move the elf,” Hen says dryly.

“So then you agree with me, Hen?”

Hen sighs. “I know it’s annoying, but it just makes the season more magical for them. And all of the other kids in their classes have one. Do you really want him to be left out?”

Eddie’s head drops into his hands and groans. “The difference is you have Karen to help you with it. And Bobby? You have Athena. I barely get through the holiday season without some catastrophe or forgetting something important . I understand that it’s not a major thing… but who do I have to help me?”

___________________________________

“Buck,” Eddie says in surprise when he shows up at the house unannounced. “Is everything alright?” he asks, opening the door wider to let him in.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by. Is Chris around?”

“In the living room.” There are very few people in their life that go out of their way to see Christopher. Aside from their family, there are only two: Buck and Carla. Eddie’s grateful that Buck wants to spend so much of his time with them, especially this time of the year. He knows that everyone is caught up in the season and all that they have to get done, but it’s nice that Buck never forgets Christopher.

As he trails Buck into the living room where Christopher is watching television, Eddie notices for the first time that Buck is carrying a shopping bag from Target. “What’ve you got there?”

“Oh, just a little something I picked up for Christopher when I stopped at the store.”

“Like an early Christmas present?” Chris asks, beaming.

“Yeah, kinda like that.” Buck sits next to Chris on the couch, and Eddie tries to peer into the bag as he passes by.

Christopher pulls a box out of the bag and nearly squeals. “AN ELF ON THE SHELF!”

“Buck,” Eddie manages, his voice tight. “Christopher, you can’t-” Buck has done some questionable things in the past. He’s done some things that have pissed Eddie off, but this?  This takes the cake. He sat across the table and listened to Eddie go on and on about how he barely holds it together during the holidays and this is what Buck does?

Eddie’s eye is twitching. He can actually feel the muscles spasming. 

Buck shrinks under Eddie’s gaze, then says, “Eddie, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about for a second, in the other room.”

Now he wants to talk. 

“We’ll be right back, buddy.” Eddie sighs and follows Buck to the kitchen. If looks could kill, Buck would be laid out on the floor right now because Eddie is seething. Since looks can’t actually kill, Eddie might have to take things into his own hands. He spins around on Buck once they’re out of earshot. “What the fuck, man?”

“Look, Eddie, don’t be mad-”

“Don’t be mad? Did you even hear anything that came out of my mouth when we were at the station yesterday?” Eddie asks, scrubbing a hand down over his face in frustration.

“Of course I did. I heard everything that you said.”

“Did you?” 

Buck sighs. “You said that you couldn’t handle one more thing this holiday season.”

“Right,” Eddie says hotly, gesturing towards the living room. “Yet here you are bringing in one more thing, and if I take it away, I’m  the bad guy.”

“It’s okay, Eddie.” Buck sets a hand on his shoulder and Eddie tenses instantly. “You asked who you had to help you out. With the Elf on the Shelf, with everything. I— you have me, Eddie. You always have me.” The anger drains out of Eddie at his words. Buck’s right, he’s always there with them as the third unofficial part of their little family.

“I appreciate the thought, really I do. I know that you want Christopher to be able to do all of these things that everyone else is doing. You don’t want him to feel left out, and I want that for him, too. But this isn’t a one-time thing. It’s every single night until Christmas. That’s seventeen nights that I have to do this now.”

“You don’t have to do anything, Eddie. Just leave it to me.” With that Buck bounces out of the kitchen and back towards the living room to learn all about the Elf on the Shelf tradition.

___________________________________

When Buck told Eddie that he’d take care of everything, he really did mean everything. It’s been over a week now and Buck has stopped by their house every night. Even on the days that they have a long shift, he makes sure that he’s able to stop by and help. Some nights, he comes early enough to have dinner with them and once Christopher is tucked into bed, Buck springs into action with Christopher’s elf who he’s affectionately named Snowflake. Eddie still hates the thing as much as he did when Buck first gave it to Chris.

But somehow, Buck makes it tolerable and Eddie looks forward to his visit each day.

At first, Buck starts off small. Snowflake leaves a little note for Christopher while sitting on the counter. Snowflake reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and delivering a holiday treat. Then, Buck discovers Pinterest and he becomes unleashed. Snowflake is on the counter surrounded with marshmallows and a sign that reads ‘do you want to build a snowman?’, down to the minute detail of the tiny face being drawn on it’s little marshmallow face. The elf sitting in the cupboard, feeding Christopher’s dinosaurs that surrounded the counter below. And last night? He’d ended up inside of a sealed jar so that Christopher was able to tote him around the house. To say that he’s overjoyed is an understatement.

Even though he hates the elf, Eddie does love the smile that it brings to Christopher’s face each morning.

___________________________________

It’s only one week until Christmas, and Christopher’s been begging to make cut-out cookies for days. It’s something that Shannon did with him when he was younger. And though Eddie somehow manages to pull it off and fit it into the schedule every year, the cookies have yet to come out of the oven edible. 

When Buck arrives at the house, he’s carrying an armload of groceries. “What’ve you got there?” Eddie asks as he follows him into the kitchen.

“Stuff for cookies,” Buck says as he begins to unload the bags.

“And when did you plan on making these cookies?” Eddie asks dumbly.

“Now?” Eddie opens his mouth to argue before he clamps it shut. Maybe with Buck here to help they won’t come out of the oven smoking and charred. Chris will be able to experience a new tradition of actually eating the Christmas cookies that they bake together.

“Yeah, that’s perfect, Carla will be dropping him off in about twenty minutes from school.”

“Is there a recipe that you usually use?”

“Uh…” Eddie walks into the kitchen and begins rummaging around in a drawer before he pulls out the recipe, which is a cut out from the back of a prepackaged box mix. He holds it out to Buck.

“Where did you get this?” Buck laughs, his brow raised in disbelief. “Eddie, seriously, what the hell is this?”

Eddie groans and crosses his arms over his chest defensively. “It’s the recipe.”

“It calls for prepackaged mix, Eddie. Do you mean to tell me you’ve never made Christmas cookies from scratch?”

“In case you haven’t realized this yet, cooking isn’t my strength.”

“This isn’t cooking, it’s baking.” Eddie rolls his eyes as Buck lays out all of the ingredients on the table, and then pulls out a recipe card. “I brought the cut-out cookie recipe that Maddie and I used to make with my grandma when we were kids.” He sets out a couple of rolling pins and Christmas cookie cutters on the table.

“If you want my help, you’re gonna have to tell me what I need to do,” Eddie says, glancing at the clock to see exactly how long he’s obligated to be Buck’s helper before Christopher arrives home from school.

Buck starts making the dough and then splits it up into three sections. He asks Eddie to help him flour the table, which is perplexing to Eddie because he’s never quite known how to keep the dough from sticking. They get to work and knead the dough before rolling it out, just in time for Christopher to come crutching into the house. 

“Bucky!” Christopher exclaims as soon as Carla drops him off. “I have to show you what Snowflake did.” Before Buck has the chance to say anything, Christopher’s crutches continue to click against the floor. He comes back out carrying the jar that holds the elf.

“Man, it’s pretty clever of your elf to climb into a jar so you can carry him around and not ruin his magic. Do you think he’d want to sit with us at the table while we make cookies?” Buck asks with a chuckle.

“Snowflake loves cookies!” 

So Buck helps Christopher and Eddie make edible Christmas cookies for the first time ever. And when Christopher discovers Snowflake the next morning amidst a plate of half-eaten cookies, he howls with laughter. 

___________________________________

Each day closer to Christmas they get, Eddie realizes that’s one less day of Snowflake being the talk of the house. And another day closer to things going back to normal, limiting Buck’s visits to a few times per week, an acceptable number of times for a friend.

Eddie’s not prepared for the wave of sadness that overwhelms him, thinking about Buck’s nightly visits to their home ending. That may be part of why he doesn’t mention to Buck that on Christmas Eve there’s no job to be done; Snowflake will be heading back to the North Pole until next year. 

Eddie spends the majority of the day with Pepa, Abuela, and Chris. Christopher is anxiously waiting for the rest of the evening to wind down, waiting for Santa, and he’s already in his pajamas when Buck arrives. 

“Hey buddy, are you ready for the big guy to come tonight?” He asks with a grin.

“Yeah! I can’t wait, Buck.” Christopher settles further into Eddie’s side, patting the couch next to him, a silent request for Buck to sit beside him. “I hope he brings me everything I wanted this year. Do you think he’ll bring you everything you want?”

Buck’s gaze lingers on Eddie before his eyes shift back to Christopher. He nods and sits next to the boy on the couch. “Yeah, yeah I think I’ll get everything I asked for this year. What are you guys watching?”

“Elf,” Eddie answers with a laugh, grabbing the bowl of popcorn and holding it out to Buck. “Our little Christmas Eve tradition.”

“I love Elf,” Buck says before he begins rambling endlessly about his favorite parts of the movie, how he loves when Buddy decorates the entire store and makes the New York City skyline out of Legos. It isn’t much later that the credits are rolling and Christopher muffles a yawn behind. 

“I think it’s about time for  ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas, and then we’d better get you tucked in, huh?” Eddie glances at the clock and realizes it’s past his usual bedtime, aware that it’s going to be a long night for Eddie. He reads the story and once Christopher’s teeth are brushed, they set out milk and cookies for Santa. They tuck Christopher into bed and Eddie hopes that it won’t be long until he’s fast asleep. 

“Can I get you anything?” Eddie asks Buck once they’re downstairs. “A beer? Or if you’re hungry Abuela sent us home with enough food to feed an army today.”

“Normally I’d be all over that, but I just got finished with dinner at Maddie’s. I’ll take a beer, though.”

They settle on the couch next to each other with beers in hand. Eddie’s never really understood how silence can be anything but awkward, however at this moment with Buck, it’s anything but. It’s quiet, calm, and comforting. He wishes that he could freeze this moment in time, relish in the peacefulness that surrounds them. 

“So, I guess it’s time to get Snowflake situated, huh?”

Eddie cringes slightly. “It completely slipped my mind when we talked earlier, but Snowflake is off to the North Pole tonight. He doesn’t need to be moved.”

“Oh, I’m sorry man. I disturbed your Christmas Eve for nothing.”

“You didn’t disturb anything, Buck. You’re always welcome here.” Eddie pauses, looking at Buck closely. He still appears to be hesitating, like he’s thinking about leaving because he intruded on family time. Truthfully, when Eddie thinks of family time more often than not, he thinks of Buck. So Eddie says, “We want you here. I want you here.”

“You do?” Buck sets down his empty beer bottle, resting his hand on the couch in the space between them. Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Buck turns towards him just a bit, eyes lingering on the space between them, finally looking up.

Eddie’s hand covers Buck’s, gently rubbing his thumb against the skin there. “I do.” He swallows hard, “I was wondering if you might want to stay over? Have some milk and cookies, put some presents out… be here when Chris wakes up tomorrow.”

“You’re sure I’m not going to be-”

Eddie shakes his head. “You won’t. I-” he stops for a moment, searching for the words. Expressing how he feels to people has never been his strength, and with Buck they’ve been friends for so long, he doesn’t really know how to tell him that what he wants now is more than friendship. 

“When we were at the station before you got Chris the Elf on the Shelf… I said that I wasn’t going to do it because I didn’t have anyone. That I’m in all of this alone. Hen has Karen, and Bobby has Athena. And— I was wrong, Ev. Because…  I have you. And I’m not sure how I was blind to that before. This Christmas has been special and memorable because you’ve shared it with us. You went to breakfast with Santa, you baked cookies — edible cookies. You planned out this entire Elf on the Shelf thing…I’m just sorry that I never told you that you’re what’s made this Christmas perfect until now.”

“Eddie, I… thank you,” Buck says before a nervous laugh rattles out of his chest.

Eddie takes a steadying breath, turning Buck’s hand between his and slotting their fingers together. “If this isn’t okay-” Eddie rushes to say, unsure eyes settling on Buck’s.

Buck’s lips turn upward slightly and the smile reaches his eyes. Eddie feels hopefulness settle in him. “It’s more than okay.”

“Okay,” Eddie rasps out a breath, his other hand moving to cradle the curve of Buck’s jaw. Buck meets him halfway, tilting his head slightly. Eddie’s lips gently brush against Buck’s, as if checking that he’s really okay with this. He feels Buck’s fingers on the back of his neck, drawing him closer. He releases Buck’s fingers, both hands cradling Buck’s face now as Eddie deepens the kiss. The kiss is slow and tender… and, life-changing. 

Eddie pulls back slightly, pressing his forehead to Buck’s. When he does, Buck’s eyes are bright as they glisten in the soft white glow from the Christmas tree lights.

Buck leans forward and places a quick peck against Eddie’s lips. “Merry Christmas, Eddie.”

“Merry Christmas, Buck.” Eddie says as he stands, holding a hand out to Buck. “The night is young, we still have a lot of work ahead of us.” Eddie walks to Christopher’s room, checking that he’s asleep and closes the door behind him before he turns back to Buck.

“Good thing we have cookies,” Buck grins, taking a bite out of one of the cookies on the plate they’d left out earlier.

“Yeah, edible cookies,” Eddie laughs and places a final tender kiss against Buck’s lips. “And new traditions.”  

Who would have thought that he’d have Snowflake the elf to thank for bringing his and Buck’s feelings to the light? For the first time in more years than he’d like to admit, he has someone to share Christmas Eve with long after Christopher’s been tucked into bed. 

[myemergence]

(never) leaving you behind

A/N: Thanks to Nicole for the beta on this!

For Buddie First Kiss Week prompt: because they think they’re going to die.

@buddiefirstkissweek

Check out my other works over on AO3

***

“I don’t think this is what Christopher meant when he said ‘have fun, Dad’,” Eddie says dryly. He grunts as the Jeep jumps over the ragged road, grabbing onto the door frame for security.

Buck rolls his eyes, glancing at Eddie before bringing his attention back to the rough terrain leading to the canyon’s hiking trails. Buck begged Eddie to come out with him today to do something while Christopher was away at summer camp. He was kid-free —he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted—and Eddie’s choice would have been to have a Netflix marathon or catch up on cleaning, maybe even read a book while the house was quiet. Buck’s idea was quite the opposite: go hiking. 

In the grueling California heat.

Eddie glances at his coffee mug as it jostles with each and every bump. It’s too early for this. He really needs a caffeine fix before he tells Buck where he can shove his ‘adventure’ and ‘embracing life’. He uses the back of his hand to dab away the light sheen of sweat that’s already beading on his brow.

“I don’t think he meant for you to stay at home in your pajamas and be a  dull  dad, Eddie. He’s going to ask what you did while he was away at camp. Which, by the way, I advised you heavily against, if you’ll remember.”

“Oh, I remember,” Eddie mutters, and he’s certain that Buck purposely hits this bump a little harder than the rest. He narrows his eyes.

“I’m just saying,” Buck continues, his body somehow relaxed despite the steady stream of bumps and the gritty road that crunches beneath the tires. “He’s not going to want to hear about how you watched Tiger King, or whatever the hell it is that you’re watching these days.” He finally brings the Jeep to a stop, and Eddie breathes out a sigh.

“Yeah, he doesn’t want to have such a dull and boring dad,” Eddie grumbles, grabbing the travel mug and taking a few sips, unmoving, as Buck hops out and moves towards the back to pull their hiking bags out. Eddie spent the better part of Christopher’s early years in a warzone and aside from his work with the 118, his life these days is less than riveting. Eddie isn’t unaware of that, but having Buck point it out to him puts him on the defensive. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just—” Buck scrambles to get the words out, but Eddie cuts him off abruptly.

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear this,” Eddie says sarcastically as he climbs out of the Jeep and turns his full attention to Buck, arms crossed over his chest. “It’s just what?”

“It’s just you’re better than that, Eds. You’re not some boring, old man. You’re a cool dad, an  exciting  dad.”

Eddie raises his brow as he takes his pack from Buck and snorts a laugh. “Really?” 

“Really. How many kids get to say that their dad is a hero?” Buck pauses, watching as Eddie sets the coffee mug back in the cupholder. “ You really should stick to water for the rest of today.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Sure thing,  Papa Buck .” He hauls his pack onto his back and watches Buck do the same, clipping the buckle across his chest to secure it. Although Eddie protested the entire way out here, he’s glad to be spending time with Buck. He’d prefer to be relaxing at his place over coffee or a few beers though, not waking up at 5 am on his day off.

But, he’ll take what he can get at this point.

______________________________

Buck walks beside Eddie, matching his stride step for step.  They’ve been hiking for a few hours already, though Eddie’s sure it’s been twelve days. “Isn’t this better than a Netflix marathon?”

Eddie takes a few long sips from his water. “Oh yeah, this is so much more relaxing.”

“Stop.”

Eddie shrugs his shoulders and lets out a sarcastic laugh. “I mean, I could—”

“No Eddie,  stop .” He almost continues walking, only halting when he feels Buck’s hand closing around his wrist. He’s not sure why, but his heart races at the contact. Buck’s palm is tacky, his fingers a hot bracelet around his wrist. 

“I—”

“Look around,” Buck’s voice is softer now as he gestures his other hand in front of them. The blue sky and bright sun are the finishing touches to the picturesque view of the canyon. Eddie’s heart continues to beat rapidly in his chest and he wonders if Buck can feel his heartbeat race beneath his fingertips.

Buck’s hand drops away and they stand together in silence. His eyes sweep over the view and he feels a certain peacefulness here. There’s a stillness and a sense of calm that can’t be explained. “It’s… beautiful.” Eddie says finally, glancing over at Buck, noticing the way that the sun brightens the blue in his eyes.  Beautiful .

He swallows hard before he feels Buck’s hand on his shoulder. “Come on, it gets better,” Buck promises. Eddie nods, the contact pulling Eddie away from thoughts of swimming in the ocean of his best friend’s gorgeous blue eyes. He needs to pull it together.

Eddie tries to pinpoint when his feelings went from platonic to… whatever this is. 

He realized after the lawsuit how much he needed Buck in his life. His absence in Eddie’s life had been excruciating, trying to navigate the days without him there felt impossible, and facing life’s challenges without him felt insurmountable. So he reminds himself to keep his feelings in check because he can’t face that kind of loss again, even if that means entertaining every ridiculous idea that he has.

Sure, Eddie had put up a fight about coming today. But both he and Buck knew he’d never say no, that he  couldn’t .

So, they continue their hike, and Eddie’s legs ache with fatigue. “Buck, I need to sit down and drink some water,” He grumbles as he takes several long sips of water, unable to remember the last time that water was so refreshing.

“Alright, take a break but I just want to check this out quick,” Buck says as he walks closer to the edge of the Canyon that overlooks the valley below.

“Don’t get too close,” Eddie warns as he digs in his bag for a granola bar. 

“How am I supposed to get a decent selfie if I don’t get close?” Buck jokes as he pulls out his phone.

“Buck, don’t be an idiot,” Eddie says tersely as he glances up, seeing that Buck isn’t actually trying to take a selfie. Eddie pulls out his own phone briefly, frowning when he looks down and sees that he doesn’t have any signal. “I swear to God, if you end up being one of those morons that falls off of a cliff taking a selfie, I’ll kill you myself.”

There’s a stretch of silence.

“Shit.” Eddie hears the sudden change in Buck’s tone, tight in alarm, and his head snaps up. He watches Buck blink blearily, his eyes struggling to focus. The fuzzy look in Buck’s eyes reminds Eddie that Buck hasn’t eaten anything since they started the hike.

“Buck,” Eddie calls out in warning, moving quickly to get to his feet. “Buck, get away from-” The words die in the back of Eddie’s throat as terror rips through him. He sees Buck stumble, hears the sickening sound of crumbling rock and the world stutters to a halt.

Shock registers on Buck’s face seconds before he disappears along from the edge of the cliff he was just standing on.

The clifftop is calm and still. In Buck's absence, the sky remains as blue as his eyes; the sun still blinding in its light without the glow of Buck’s smile.

It feels inexplicably wrong in a world where Buck no longer exists.

“Buck!” Eddie’s legs crumble beneath him and he feels paralyzed as the gravity of the situation overwhelms him. Buck is…  gone , almost as if he was never there to begin with.

Suddenly Eddie is picturing a world without Buck, the grief and weight of that slamming into him so hard that a sob bursts past his lips. 

“BUCK!” He screams desperately, scrambling forward, careful to slow his movements a few feet from the edge.

Eddie’s holding his breath, waiting. Waiting for a response from Buck. Waiting for Buck to say something. Waiting for any sound to indicate that he’s okay.  

Any sign at all that he’s somehow survived this. 

Nothing comes. 

“Fuck. Evan!” Eddie howls, the terror that’s clawing at his chest threatening to suffocate him. His hands shake as he lowers himself to the ground, crawling the last few feet, dragging himself to the edge. Another helpless sob rips through him.  

He can see Buck’s body now, and he forces out a shallow breath. He tries to level his voice as he calls out to him again. “Buck!” Somehow he’s managed to land on a small ledge about fifteen feet below, his body hanging precariously, fingers white-knuckled from the strain as he grips at the edge. He sees cuts and scrapes, trying to catalog the damage like he does every day on the job. His eyes sweep over Buck’s face, seeing pain and fear there. 

Then it hits him. Hard.

The relief he feels when he first sees Buck somewhere other than lifeless at the bottom of the canyon quickly fades, It’s replaced with something familiar; helplessness and fear which threaten to suffocate him. Feelings that are too familiar when it comes to Buck. Eddie tries to blink away the horrific memory that creeps in, threatening to paralyze him. 

The noise, it’s so loud. Eddie can barely hear anything, Buck is trapped beneath the ladder rig and he’s unable to escape, pinned down. Eddie’s helpless to do anything to help. They’re at the mercy of a hate-filled psychopath, and he’s looking at Buck like he’s collateral damage. Eddie chokes on the fear, raw and bitter in the back of his throat. How can they just stand here and look on as Buck writhes in pain?

But they’re forced to. And for what feels like hours Eddie has to swallow down the absolute terror that’s rising up in his chest, gripping too tightly like a vice and making it impossible to breathe. They need to help him, they need to do something . But the police cordon on scene makes it impossible, and they’re forced to hang back.

He has no control. He can do nothing for Buck.  Nothing.

Eddie forces the feeling down. He could do nothing for Buck after the explosion, but this isn’t the ladder rig. He let Buck down before and he’s damn sure that he’s not going to do it again this time.

“Eddie,” Buck all but pleas, eyes flitting to Eddie’s as he attempts to gain some footing below to push himself up. Eddie pulls his phone out to try calling for help, but as soon as he looks at his phone he remembers they have no signal, and he all but throws his phone over the precipice. There’s nobody he can call, nobody that he can send for help.

“Buck, can you grab hold of anything else? Is there anything you can put your foot on?”

“I’m trying,” Buck grunts, and fuck, Eddie can see the fear in his eyes and hear the tremble in his voice. Eddie blinks, forcing the tears down his cheeks. “I-I’ll get it. Go get help.” Eddie registers that he’s pushing his fear down for Eddie’s benefit, and it’s everything he can do not to scream.

The self-sacrificing fuck.

He wants Eddie to leave him while he dangles off of a cliff and then falls to his death. Alone.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie growls.

“Eddie, you have to go get help. There’s nothing you can do.” He knows Buck isn’t going to let it go, and this battle of stubbornness is going to end one way or another on this cliff. He’s out of Eddie’s reach, about fifteen feet down but Eddie’s not ready to let any distance get between them, not again. He refuses to stand by this time.

“I’m not leaving you here to die. So save your energy, alright?” There’s no way that Buck can hold on much longer. Eddie sees the obvious shake in his shoulders, he hears the grunts as Buck gives everything he has to try to pull himself upright onto the flat surface. Eddie glances down, sees the gaps and crevices in the rock. He can do this. He has to do this. He can’t let this be the end.

He won't.

“Eddie, no!”

They’ve scaled down cliff sides, done repel rescues,  and dealt with worse conditions before, but Eddie knows this is different. There’s no harness keeping him safe, there’s no winch to lift them to safety once he gets down to Buck. He knows that he's out of options. This time, he refuses to leave Buck behind. Eddie takes a steadying breath and presses his fingers into the Saint Christopher medal that hangs around his neck. He shifts his body, turning so he teeters over the edge, finally finding footholes and trying to ignore the steep drop below.

“Eddie, please! You have to think of Christopher!” Buck yells, continuing to struggle below. 

“I  am,” Eddie grunts as he moves down the face of the cliff, little by little. “Christopher would never forgive me for giving up on his Buck.” It isn’t much longer until he’s on the ledge that Buck is dangling from. Eddie lays flat on his stomach, moving quickly to grab Buck’s arms. It’s a long tense moment as they struggle to get Buck back onto the ledge without Buck losing grip or Eddie slipping down with him.

“You’re an idiot!” Of all the words that Eddie’s expecting after he prevented his friend from falling to his death, these weren’t among then. Buck’s tone is absolutely seething, it prickles at Eddie’s skin.

Both men pant, their backs pressed against the hard rock behind them. 

Eddie barely manages a breathless laugh, turning his head to look at Buck. “How about a thank you for saving your life?” Buck’s jaw is set and he rolls his eyes wordlessly, grimacing as he looks down at his battered hands but doesn’t turn to look at Eddie. He watches Buck in silence when he doesn’t say anything. “Did you think I was just going to leave you down here to die alone?” 

“That was the plan,” Buck whispers, and Eddie feels the world around him fracture.

“How could you think that I would just… let you die?” Eddie has to force the words out as he watches Buck. Finally, he lifts his eyes to Eddie’s and he sees the pain there, the reluctance. “When you were being crushed by the ladder rig I was forced to stand by. I couldn’t do anything to help you. All I could do was pray that we’d be able to get to you in time. I-I couldn’t leave this up to chance again.”

“If you would’ve just left me down here, you would’ve been okay, Eddie. You—” Buck cuts himself off, the broken look on his face registering his total lack of faith that they'll be able to find a way out of this. “Christopher’s already lost his mom and you barely survived your last brush with death. I am  so  pissed at you for putting yourself in this situation.”

Eddie’s quiet as he looks out at the steep drop below. “But I  did survive. And think about how many times you’ve survived when you obviously shouldn’t have. We’re going to find a way out of this. You can’t give up before we’ve even tried.”

So they try. If their hands weren’t already cut up before, attempting to climb back up the face of the cliff proves impossible. It’s too steep, too high, too unstable. Each attempt causes pebbles to rain down until they give up, panting from the excruciating heat of the sun beating down on them. No drinks, no food, no supplies.

They sit beside each other silently, until daylight fades and dusk settles on them. Eddie isn’t sure what’s worse, the silence forces him into his own thoughts or that Buck has been silent for hours now. He’s used to Buck being loud and boisterous, an overwhelming presence that makes Eddie feel complete. The absence of that energizing life — the fear of their sealed fate — leaves Eddie feeling lifeless.

Eddie glances over at Buck, briefly wonders he’s actually fallen asleep because of how quiet he’s been. He sees Buck staring straight ahead. “Are you still mad at me?” A shiver coursing through his body as the temperature begins to drop, crossing his arms tightly across his chest. He wonders if Buck is even listening.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” Buck whispers. “It wasn’t that long ago that you narrowly survived death.” He sounds like all of his energy has been zapped and Eddie wishes there was some way that he could bring him back. His tone is rough from exhaustion and heavy with guilt. “I’m the one that said you needed adventure in your life.  I’m  the one that said—”

“No,” Eddie says, reaching blindly for Buck’s hand and wincing through the pain that jolts through him. “This is not on you. I chose to come out here. I could have said no. I mean, Netflix  may  have been a little safer.”

"This is just what I do,” Buck says, the self-deprecation in his voice clear. “First I put Christopher at risk and he almost dies. Then I make you come out here with me for some ridiculous guy’s adventure while Christopher’s at camp so you have a story to tell and… we’re not gonna make it, Eddie.  Nobody’s gonna find us.”

“This isn’t your fault. I wanted to spend time with you, Buck. I-” This isn’t how Eddie’s pictured this going, not that he’s imagined a thousand different scenarios. All of the possible ways that Eddie’s walls can come down enough for him to tell Buck how he actually feels. Buck might be right, they might not get rescued and… they might die out here. “Did you tell anyone about hiking?”

“I told Maddie I was going hiking, but I uh, I never said where.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie tells him quietly, though his voice breaks a little. He gently squeezes Buck’s hand and scoots closer until his side is pressed against Buck’s.

“When that drilling rig came down on top of the well, and you were still down there… the world stopped. And I know that you cut your rope because you had to save the kid, and I… I definitely would have done the same thing, Eddie.” Buck’s voice is hoarse as he turns to look at him. Despite the darkness, he can see the way that Buck’s eyes shine with tears. “I know we haven’t really talked about it because you said you were  fine .”

“I  was …. I-I am.”

“We’re not fine right now. And what happened to you down there… it wasn’t fine. Christopher almost lost you. And then what would happen to him, huh?”

A choked sound slips past Eddie’s lips then. “It was okay. Because I knew you were up there. You were safe.” He closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the hard rock, trying to let the icy discomfort distract him from the burning ache in his chest. “I knew that if I couldn’t make it back to him… that you would make sure he was okay. That if I died, you would’ve made sure that he didn’t forget me, that he’d still have his days with his Buck. He has people who love him, but I didn’t give up,” he whispers. “I fought to come back to Chris, to you.”

Buck drags his free hand through his short curls. “You fought so hard to come back after the drill rig collapsed and yet you threw it away like it was nothing to come down here today. Putting yourself back in danger. You just gave up on everything, on your life, on  Christopher. You were up there and you were safe! Why?” The volume and anger drain from his tone and he ends brokenly, his voice barely above a whisper.  “I- I’m not that important. Not like he is. Not like Isabel or Pe-”

Eddie feels a wave of nausea overcome him. He blinks, the tears shaking loose and slipping down his cheeks “What?” He demands, his tone bewildered. “How can you say that you’re not important, Ev? How can you be so blind? You are so important. You matter the most. I could never just… leave you behind.”

Eddie feels tremors against his side, an aftershock of the sobs that have overcome Buck. He breathes out the steadiest breath that he can muster, slipping an around Buck’s shoulders and drawing him close. Eddie’s fingers slip through Buck’s hair and he tries to ignore the way that Buck’s hair is becoming wet with Eddie’s own tears. He repeats the soothing motion, his lips nearly brushing Buck’s forehead. “I’ll never leave you behind.”

He isn’t sure Buck truly understands the weight of those words, the thought of existing without Buck now is like a rainbow trying to exist without the sun; an actual impossibility. He remembers all of the days that Buck’s bright smile and warmth have pushed aside the overbearing clouds that Eddie’s unable to weather alone; a dry shelter to get warm amidst a storm. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck sniffles and for a moment Eddie’s afraid he’s crossed a line, that invisible line that he’s been hovering over precariously for months. The line that friends don’t cross, inching closer and closer and barely staying on the side of friendship, gazing longingly at more. 

Buck shifts slightly to look up at Eddie. “Thank you… for not leaving me behind.” Buck’s voice is raw, hoarse from crying. Eddie sees the trail Buck’s tears have left behind and he itches to brush them away. To assure him that it’s going to be okay.

Instead, he nods. “You don’t have to thank me for that, Buck. It was selfish,” he tries for a joking tone, but it falls flat and his voice shakes. Because Eddie knows the underlying truth: it was selfish. He saved Buck for his own benefit, because he can’t deal with a life without Buck. 

Buck shifts in his embrace and Eddie’s fingers slip from his hair. Buck kneels in front of Eddie and, without warning, Buck’s hands are on his face, the space between them is gone. Buck’s lips press against his, rough and needy. Desperate tears slip from Eddie’s eyes as he parts his lips and Buck moves closer, until he’s straddling Eddie’s lap. Their chests press together and Eddie cradles the back of Buck’s head with one hand, the other grasping onto Buck’s shirt like a lifeline.  

Buck draws back, heart still thundering in his chest while Eddie’s hand remains balled in a fist at the front of Buck’s shirt. Slowly, his eyes open and he has to remind himself how to breathe with striking blue eyes watching him.

The rapid rise and fall of Buck’s chest is captivating, overcome by the fact that they’re both still alive. They’ve survived so much and this is happening. Buck kissed him after all of this time. Maybe it’s born from desperation because they don’t know if or when they’ll be found, maybe he would have kissed anyone at this moment — Eddie’s not sure. But he feels a light fluttering in his stomach, and he swallows hard as he tries to keep it at bay— that feeling that Eddie’s trying not to give a name to; hope. 

It’s hard not to let that feeling surge through him, difficult to remain level-headed and impossible to be logical with the heavy presence in his lap. Buck’s eyes bore into him, parting his lips like he wants to say something, like he needs to say something. The air between them is charged, “Eddie,” he croaks. Eddie grabs Buck’s face, dragging Buck deeper into his space. He wants to find refuge in him until nothing else exists.

There’s no canyon, no dark, no fears here.

Only Buck.

Soft lips brush against Eddie’s once more before he withdraws. Eddie’s hand rests against Buck’s chest, his heartbeat strong and steady. “We can’t give up yet,” Eddie tells him quietly. “We have something to fight for, both of us — so many things, Buck. Christopher. Maddie and Chim’s baby. Our families. The 118.”

Buck’s nod is barely perceptible. “Each other,” he adds, brushing his thumb against the corner of Eddie’s mouth.

“So let’s rest. When the sun rises, we’ll find a way.”

They press against each other, cuddling the best that they can for an uncomfortable and sleepless night. 

______________________________

They spend the morning ignoring their rumbling stomachs and parched mouths. Buck tries hoisting Eddie as high as he can, trying to lift him high enough that he has something to grip onto, to pull himself to safety so that he can call for help. They try. Again, and again, and again. 

“Let’s just… give it a rest for now, okay?” Eddie says, his arms and legs shaking with exertion.  

“Fine,” Eddie hears Buck’s clipped tone, and he tries not to grimace. He knows that Buck doesn’t want to quit, doesn’t want to give up.  That’s just who Buck is, a fighter. But he’s physically hurting, Eddie can see it. He needs him to take a break. “It’s only gonna get harder, the longer we’re out here.”

“I know,” Eddie says quietly. “Just a couple minutes, please.” He reaches out for Buck’s hand, the heat of the sun hot against his sweaty back. “Please.” Buck’s shoulders sag slightly, but he nods. Eddie sits down on the ground, gently grasping Buck’s hand.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Buck says after a minute, and, if they weren’t in such a dire situation, Eddie would smile. Because that’s forever Buck, trying to learn something new.

“You know more about most things than I do,” Eddie says after a minute, gently bumping Buck’s shoulder with his own. 

“Useless knowledge, really,” Buck says. “But just think of one thing...two if you want to be the overachiever that I know you are.”

“Okay, two things,” Eddie murmurs, his aching hand gently gripping Buck’s.

“You’re the most selfless person that I know,” he pauses, fingertips tracing a pattern on the back of Buck’s hand. “I know you say that you make everything about you, but you don’t. You-you love harder than anyone else. You put yourself in danger to make sure everyone else is okay. You did it during the tsunami, with Chris. You did it yesterday,” his voice shakes, “for me.”

“Eddie, I’m not—”

“Don’t ever do that again.” 

Quiet falls over them, as they look out at the scenic view in front of them. He knows his heavy words aren’t what Buck was looking for, but he needs to be heard. Needs him to understand his importance, that he has a place. Not just as a firefighter, but as Buck. Minutes pass and Eddie gently tugs Buck’s hand closer, into his lap. 

“And, number two? It’s illegal to milk someone else’s cow in Texas.”

Buck rolls his eyes and a laugh slips past his lips. “Shut the fuck up.”

Laughter washes over Eddie, it’s been an entire day since he laughed, but his laughter is contagious. “I couldn’t make something that stupid up if I tried, man.” Their hands slot together carefully and Eddie’s eyes slip closed. He takes the time to listen to Buck breathing beside him, committing to memory the pattern of each breath instead of focusing on uncertainty. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Shhhh,” Buck shushes him loudly, holding a finger to his lips. Eddie rolls his eyes, tempted to smack Buck on the back of the head. But it’s the silence that allows Eddie to hear something, too. Noise from above.

Hikers.

They’re both on their feet in an instant. “HEY! We’re down here!” They shout and it’s a few tense moments before they see a couple of hikers peer over the edge. 

For the first time in over twenty-four hours, Eddie feels like he can finally breathe again.

______________________________

It’s been nearly a week since they were rescued. After they finally made it to safety, Eddie barely left Buck’s side for the first few days. He wanted to make sure that he was okay, and those few days after had been a little tense to say the least. Buck had kissed him, and Eddie kissed him back. But that was when they weren’t sure if they were going to make it out alive or not. Things were different now, Eddie understood that.

Life and death situations, they make people do crazy things. 

Buck steps into the kitchen where Eddie is pulling things out of the fridge. “What’re you doing?”

“I’m making us lunch, before we meet the bus to get Chris. He’s gonna want you there,” Eddie pauses, “I mean, unless you had other plans?”

“No, no I definitely want to be there,” Buck chuckles, looking at Eddie closely and his lips remain turned up in an amused smirk. “It’s just… we narrowly escaped dying a few days ago, I’d rather not tempt fate again.” The  asshole .

“Buck,” Eddie narrows his eyes in warning, setting down the ingredients on the counter. 

Buck holds up his hands in surrender. And dammit, despite the fact that he’s making a mockery out of Eddie’s ability to cook, he wants nothing more than to push Buck against the refrigerator and taste his lips again. 

He considers swallowing the feeling, pushing it back down where it can’t be seen. But then he remembers the swell of panic he felt when the probability of losing Buck was high. The idea of overstepping, the repercussions of making assumptions seem a little smaller now, less intimidating. 

Buck’s looking at him with a curious expression on his face, and Eddie closes in the distance between them with a few long strides. “I’m probably gonna regret this,” Eddie mutters, one hand resting against Buck’s chest and pushing him backward until he’s pressed against the fridge. Eddie’s other hand cups his cheek, thumb brushing tenderly against his jawline as his lips ghost over Buck’s, not quite touching.

Buck’s face tips down, blue eyes dancing with mirth find his amber ones, “I’m gonna regret it if you don’t kiss me already. Do I need to almost die for you to do it? I’m sure I can-”

“Shut up,” Eddie growls, pressing his hips forward into Buck’s like a warning. He feels Buck’s breath hitch and the corner of Eddie’s lip turns up at the result. His lips brush against Buck’s, slow and teasing. He nips at Buck’s bottom lip, then kisses the corner of his mouth tenderly before pulling back. 

“Better get busy.”  

“I’m sorry. Wh-what?” Buck stutters, a hazy expression clouding his features as he tries to process Eddie’s words.

“Better get busy making lunch. Since you don’t want to die today,” Eddie grins, a small feeling of satisfaction settling over him, stemming from the realization that he caused the dazed look on Buck’s face. He flashes a bright smile in turn, and it reaches his eyes this time. Eddie looks at him fondly, silently intertwining their fingers, as his heart swells.

Finally, on the afternoon before Christopher returns from sleep away camp, Eddie finds the fun that his son had been wishing him all along. 

[matan4il]

Fic: Coming Through the Fog

But Pride isn’t an event for Buck. Written for @buddiefirstkissweek​, for the prompt ‘related to Pride’.

Title from the song ‘Let the River Run,’ (written and originally performed by Carly Simon, the video here is a cover by Boston Gay Men’s Choir), which was the theme song for my city’s first Pride event. Here’s some of the lyrics:

We're coming to the edge Running on the water Coming through the fog Your sons and daughters

Let the river run Let all the dreamers Wake the nation Come, the New Jerusalem

Thank you to the wonderful @toughpaperround for the beta reading! (Any feedback greatly appreciated! AO3 link in the reblog)