#first thing that came up on my wishlist that i didn't have to add more too lmao

[dxllfaces]

{ closed for @achings0ul }

"god i wish you'd have thought this through, before i went and fell in love with you."

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

I haven't for the longest time been okay I lost track tbh.. and talking was not an option in the middle of the seemless cycle of trance, despair or emptiness, but honestly, what is there to add, i tried to just draw, post and not bother anyone ...

There were glimpses of hope, lit here and there, and before one could properly prosper they fizzle, leaving only the vauge trale of their existence. Faint smell of sweet that stings..

Guardians showed promising changes, yet easily fell back to the stabbings that bleeds my sanity dry. Events edging to happen, but they seep into the forgetfulness of an average working person, and the never ending suspense for an isolated person like Mani, who have nothing better to do than agonisingly feel every second passing.

Things seemed to never matter, even the things i try to pour my heart out on, in art form. Riding the waves, simply drawing with no purpose, opposing my crave of having higher goals, to a point I didn't think I can raise myself from, as if it was too late. Nullified, everyday it's a pretend or don't leave the bed today, day. I couldn't make myself want anything

Even when I heard my guardians saying they found a buyer for our home, for the tenth time, i was not moved the first time and certainly not now. My guardian came back with an envelope of the house sale costs and the contract signed, our home literally HAS been sold, the place i thought no one will ever buy, we would never could leave, got my guardians into many spiraling holes of debts trying to renovating it and failing.

Everything happened so fast after.

We went to see the new house, the same house my guardians swooned over, that I had a dream about, a room decorated in blue, and it happened to be there, and now they rented it.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZSe3P5Tso/

And all to up to that point I was just thinking that how are we to continually pay the rent of this house. But then my guardian said to me this will be your room, and it was a room with a black wall, and not only one, but two windows.. a window. Something never before I had in life. I was all smiles when we returned. Ruined by my guardians starting a fight again and it reached a critical moment that I was actually debating the darkest things.

I wasn't too phased about the whole thing because this is the same life as ever I knew, we moved to many homes out of necessity, and only see the outside world through those journies from home to home. It's like I had a reawakening filled with weeping. Hated how I memorised every detail of the houses walls, only to forget it the second we leave to another, again to start unnaturally knowing the deeper intricacy of a building, from how long I blankly stared at..

In the middle of all that, a little voice in my head was wondering if i could buy red curtains to the windows and wake up to a warm room of heart fluttering red, now the sun can reach me. It continued, wondering if can have many red things posed against the black wall to stimulate my overwhelming desire to have everything in my life red and black. It said now I can practice talking loudly, I have more room to move, i can dance on an even floor and not have my feet soles needle pains from the uneven floor I had the displeasure of standing on, now they left us their cabinet, I can use it for my clothes like a real room, I can get a starry nightlight and decorate my room with my posters.. it's all I can think about now.. and I have already made a wishlist of furniture, idk if I can get it or will they ship them to me, but the process made me happy

I told my guardians the car drive made me feel alive, something I wouldn't disclose normally with em, surprisingly they were like, that's good when we settle we can drive around more..

I'm in the middle of packing, still. I'm super tired and yeah

I wish you all the well of this world, be safe, I'm sorry for your hurts, I'm happy for your joy, I wish I can do more, I wish I can be less than this.. please take care, love u lots