#first posted on my facebook page (sattickate)

[katesattic]

My #BellLetsTalk story: An Update

Last year I made this post which dealt with my feelings not long after my diagnoses. Today I’m going to talk about how I feel a year later.

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This year (2018) will be my second year participating in Bell Let’s Talk since my diagnoses, and I kind of feel like looking back. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression towards the end of 2016, which made 2017 the first year that I’d participated in Bell Let’s Talk as anything but an ally, and it’s a little weird being on the other side. I didn’t really realise the significance of this day until after I was diagnosed. Before, I’d use the hashtag a couple of times and voice my support for those suffering. Now, it’s much more important to me. Last year I wrote a five-ish page thing about how I was coping and what helped me along (besides the meds and therapy). This year, while I do want to touch on some of the people who helped me, I want to spend more time looking at how much has changed in the last 12 months.

So, to gloss over last year, I began taking meds, and I became rather active in both the Supernatural and Thomas Sanders fandom online. As I stopped binging Supernatural, my activity in the fandom decreased, but I remain very active with the fanders on Tumblr to this day. Tumblr became a good place for me to be more vocal about my mental health. And during this time, I found online communities to be somewhat of a safe-haven (especially since I was still living in Nova Scotia at this time and away from my loved ones). During this time, I began attending therapy as well, though it didn’t last because my therapist went on holiday and I knew I’d be moving soon, so I stopped booking appointments. I want to go back into therapy. I need to do some research first (in regard to places I can go in my city) but therapy was rather beneficial, and I’d like to resume it. 

I moved back to Ontario in October. And, for the most part, living with my parents again has been very beneficial to my mental health. I may forget to take my pills more often, now that I’m spending a lot of my time with my family, but I also don’t feel as mood-swing driven as when I would miss a day in Nova Scotia. I just feel more hopeful here. Maybe it’s the change of scenery or maybe I just really love my family, but I do feel so much better, particularly in regard to my depression. Social interactions still give me anxiety, but I am looking into ways of slowly becoming more social.

Being social for me, beyond the sphere of the internet, is very difficult. I have trouble opening up and trusting people. But I know I need to be more social. Bridging my comfort of the internet and my need to become more social, I’ve started making monthly video diaries which I post to YouTube (these are unlisted, however). But I’ve also begun filming and editing several other videos relating to my interests and mental health because I’m looking to challenge myself. And posting vlogs or other videos publicly is a challenge for me. But it is something I’m also really eager to try, and that’s a feeling I haven’t felt in a while. Years ago, writing may have been a challenge and a new adventure, but lately, it’s become something safe. It’s more something I use for escapism or as a coping mechanism now, so having a new challenge is extremely exciting.

I don’t know what this year has in store for me but, for once, I am hopeful and ready to go along for the ride.

This was originally posted on my facebook page but I’m posting it here too.