#first listened to this album while in the midst of an abusive relationship

[grandfatherbird]

re-listening to be the cowboy and where's that post about loving the specific art that mitski is making but hating the boring ugly basic "uwu yearning" interpretations and fandom around the works. because yeah

[ts1989fanatic]

Taylor Swift's fans are renowned for their loyalty and dedication.

Known colloquially as "Swifties," they sell out stadiums in minutes; spend weeks creating intricate outfits that pay tribute to her albums; comb through her lyrics to find Easter eggs and secret messages.

Back in November, the fandom received national attention for taking action after Ticketmaster bungled the Eras Tour presale.

The backlash was so loud and so fervent that the Department of Justice launched an antitrust investigation into Ticketmaster's parent company. The power of Swifties became clearer than ever.

Indeed, the sheer passion of Swift's fans has helped make her the biggest pop star in the world — but that doesn't grant them absolute access to her life and personal space.

Recently, Swift obsessives have been exhibiting overzealous — and frankly concerning — behavior. Videos have circulated online that show swarms of people camping outside her home in New York City and Electric Lady Studios, where she's been spotted working in between tour dates. Other clips show fans chasing her car down the street.

It's one thing to wait for hours in the pouring rain to watch Swift deliver a spectacular concert. That's her job. It's another, more sinister thing to wait for hours on the sidewalk, just to film her car entering her home garage. That's her life.

Swift has been candid about fending off stalkers throughout her career, making this behavior particularly egregious for anyone who claims to care about her well-being.

"My fear of violence has continued into my personal life," she wrote for Elle in 2019. "I carry QuikClot army-grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I've ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things."

This is not to say that Swift's most fervent fans are all stalkers, but it's easy to see how this behavior could be triggering for someone who's been stalked. And as Swift said in her "Miss Americana" documentary in 2020, "There's a difference between 'I really connect with your lyrics' and 'I'm going to break in.'" Some Swifties clearly need to be reminded of where that line is.

This is also not the first time Swifties have overstepped. Some fans have been known to harass members of the LGBTQ community for analyzing Swift's songs through a queer lens. Others have sent insults and death threats to music critics for less-than-glowing reviews of Swift's music.

Of course, this behavior isn't unique to Swifties. But Swift's lack of admonition is uniquely strange. She has marketed herself as someone who's not afraid to speak up to defend her values, someone who has explicitly condemned homophobes and bullies in her music.

Swift has also said she's proud of her affectionate relationship with fans. She has invited Swifties to her Nashville home for album listening parties; sent personalized notes to celebrate milestones; donated money for college tuitions; protected concertgoers from aggressive security guards.

Unfortunately, a healthy relationship cannot be sustained with affection alone, be it interpersonal or parasocial.

At the risk of sounding like a wannabe therapist, constructive feedback is essential for growth — and when someone you love disrespects your boundaries, it's not constructive to say silent.

This is something that Phoebe Bridgers, Swift's friend and collaborator, knows all too well.

Although Bridgers experiences fame on a vastly different level than Swift, she has also been subjected to abuse and entitlement at the hands of "people with my picture as their Twitter picture."

In a March interview with Them, Bridgers said she was "bullied" in the midst of a speculative frenzy about her dating life — while she was on the way to her father's funeral.

"I've had people take more than I'm giving, and I'm giving a lot," Bridgers recently told the Wall Street Journal. "I'm pretty fucking transparent, because I would value that in someone whose music I liked when I was a kid. Seeing any representation of any feeling and anything true was awesome to me. To be punished for that is so dark."

"There's a higher chance that you'll meet a fan that you hate than a fan that you love," she added. "You're way more likely to be confronted with someone who just violated your privacy."

If these quotes rub you the wrong way, you may be the problem.

Connecting to a person's music does not give you the right to violate her privacy, and Bridgers isn't afraid to draw that line. I wish more musicians would follow suit.

Ahead of Bridgers' final performance at the Eras Tour on Sunday, I hope Swift is able to absorb some of her bravery and wisdom. It's OK to criticize people for bad behavior — and the fans who stick around are the ones worth keeping.

ts1989fanatic

Even the media can get it right on occasion, the recent behaviour by some so called swifties is bordering on STALKING and needs to stop.

Unless we all want to go back to why she disappeared again.

[wehatejulietsimms]

This is an Andy appreciation post. I’m re-listening to Vale because I never understood.

It has much religious imagery but it’s *more* than just metaphors and analogies.

There’s four views I’ve understood finally and maybe more.

I will not mention anything of the specifics BVB is fighting against in Vale because like I said, this is an appreciation post and I don’t want to bring up anything negative if I don’t have to make it a point. If anyone wants me to go further into detail about what specifically I feel is going on, just ask because my gut has a keen reception on lyrics and events.

1. Religious persecution:

To the unawakened folks or the ones that progressively sin in the name of God.

Fighting for equality that when people fuck up, it isn’t the death of them. Just the death of an ego and awakening into more self compassion.

2. Talking to the fans that are blind to reality

In many songs off Vale, Andy always talks about preaching but never fully being heard from the blind and innocent. He’s tired but he will keep fighting, because he wants to make an active change to the community in a way he can but feels weak from time to time, yet never giving up!

3. Ashley

When Ashley was outed publicly, Andy never dedicated this song to him but posted the lyrics with no caption when Ashley was accused. Throw the first stone.

4. Letter to self: acknowledging this is an end of a cycle. Hint: the album name and song lyrics.

Our Destiny is a big one. It’s not just a rock love song about trying to save a destiny between two people. It’s saving himself from his past “sins” “fuckups” and saying it’s not too late to heal, which it’s never too hate to heal from the past and present. I feel like it’s “hey, I’m going into ashes now but I’ve already made amends with it and I’ll rise again and again, however many times to make it out of mental and physical surroundings.” Also, I feel it was referencing Lost it All in a way, like most of his songs do, it’s a personal and universal message that there’s so much shit in life that will knock you down and you will heal while STILL in a hurt place physically. I really want to appreciate that truth that there’s a lot of healing that still is in the midst of pain. (Props to you, Andy!) Many abusive childhoods can resonate with that as well as being stuck in relationships/friendships/or generational curses including being in debt. (Which he mentions a lot in interviews) I really do think he’s gonna get out because he’s such a wise soul and nobody gives him props to healing, and being such a mature wise man even though he’s not at his highest or best surroundings. I mean, I don’t know any other artist that’s stuck in a shitty situation and is still uplifting, real, and promotes healing and is why so many BVB army members resonate with the music. I really respect he says that people heal themselves but use his music as a resonating device to heal, when fans say he’s their hero.

Andy has overcome addictions, has had to protect his life many times, has written so much uplifting and real wisdom from a dark place of mind or just straight up otherworldly strength and vulnerability which I admire because it’s beautiful and real, doesn’t have many real helpful people around him, has been a real role model by himself, is overcoming shame and lies & generation healing, he’s really had to rely on himself and I’m glad his band members really allow him to take control of the lyrics in such an inspiring way. Even though he’s still dealing and people pleasing to toxic people, remember everyone, people in abusive relationships and are trapped have to people please in order to stay alive and not get harmed. Many don’t understand that if they’ve never been abused. (They don’t need to understand, Andy! We see it) His perseverance is real and don’t judge someone for figuring out their own life. Sometimes freedom comes from music (even though other aspects from the rock industry contradict it). Let’s be supportive of him right now because he’s branching off into a new territory and finding out what’s working for him SAFELY. Yes, I don’t agree with a lot of what he says in his insecure moments in interviews and lies in his book/irl (gotta remember that’s a trauma brain response), but his music speaks in a way that is truth and can help many people going through many things and express it in a healthy way. Also I believe many fans live in denial about his life due to the fact that they’re probably living through it in their own life and can’t recognize it in another person. Or are attracted to his light but want nothing to do to help keep it alive as in tearing him down (secret haters). Anyways, I respect him for going above and beyond and it’s really admirable because like I said, nobody in the industry has ever done what he’s done. His art is perseverance.

5. He’s been a role model for so many hurting depressed people because they resonate to his own story and his strength is a catalyst for their own strength. I dislike when people deny he’s been living in trauma and overcoming many times in his life because that’s literally what this band was formed into. There’s so much evidence in his life and in the music. He’s had to take on a role for his (hurt & healing) self and it naturally became a safe space for BVB army to interact and resonate with him. He had to do that at 18/19 and if anyone’s that age or older, you know that age is just a child. I applaud him for being that young while having no parental guidance while creating something beautiful and divine, though I do empathize for his inner child. His albums are art that are darker, not evil, and is a place where children/adults who were rejected in any form can find solace in their own mind and thus can create healing. His words are moving and you have to applaud the man for keeping it together when people of all directions were hating on his every move and it was because he has such a big heart and everyone around him wants to keep him caged out of selfishness. Even when he had meltdowns and (not saying he couldn’t also be toxic because everyone has the capacity but meltdowns get overlooked because it’s a spur of the moment thing and everyone thinks it’s a violent episode but it’s due to triggers as well as not being sober) still wanted to show up for everyone including his own self that he knows himself to be, that he didn’t want to let rot. He’s really a strong soul and it gets overlooked a lot. He’s striving for betterment of himself for more than a decade (with so much persecution even in his own circle) and people keep wishing that “I hope he gets out” and this is how he’s helping himself for the moment until he can actually get out. So again, props to him. We’re proud of you, Andy! Keep going! We believe in you. Keep taking care of your overall being. Thanks for believing in us all of these years. Some of us even made it out of the hurt place we were in and are living happy, peaceful, healthy lives after trauma.

^^i literally almost teared up reading this. this is exactly why i love him so much (& what made me fall in love with him/BVB in the first place) you said everything perfectly. i honestly wish i could pin posts on here bc i really want this to be the first thing people read on the blog. as much as people think this blog is supposed to be outright hateful, (although it contradicts the name of the blog lol) i can assure you it's not. as fans we want the best for our favorite artists and when an artist has helped/continued to help you and so many other people out of dark places it sucks to see that through that they can't help themselves. i just want the best for him and for him to be 100% happy again. that's the purpose of this blog.

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i drank up all the memories.

date: spring 2019.

location: seoul, south korea.

word count: 1,813 words.

summary: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification. alcohol tw + substance abuse tw. also trigger warning for ash mentally romanticizing his own (and others’, i guess?) substance abuse tendencies. please don’t read this. it might be my worst verification yet.

ash’s drink of choice was a good strong whiskey, but the first drink he’d ever had had been wine. it’d been at a dinner party his parents held and they’d let him sneak a sip. it’d been entirely un-scandalous and about the furthest thing from rebellion possible, but at the time it had felt like the thrill of his life. thirteen years old and unaccustomed to the effects of alcohol besides the way it stung when disinfecting a cut, he had been taken aback by the fizzing sting it brought over his tongue and throat. it wasn’t as bad as it looked when he saw people on television throwing back shot glasses of tequila, but he hadn’t understood at the time why anyone would like it that much. it didn’t taste any better than any other beverage and being drunk couldn’t be that wonderful, he’d naively thought.

now, wine was a drink ash found to be dull. even the most expensive wines weren’t all that amazing in pure taste, and once he’d become a regular drinker, he’d learned it wasn’t about the taste unless you were a wine connoisseur, and that wasn’t a career path ash was going to be going down any time soon. if he wanted to let go of his inhibitions and worries, which was generally the only reason he drank, there were options that were much more effective by the fluid ounce. outside of formal occasions and dinners with mixed company, wine was the drink he only broke out when he wanted to torture himself with the slow burn to a hazy mind instead of the fast and easy path.

ash was a masochist certainly. that wasn’t news to him. he knew all about the difference between the slow pain-easing journey of getting drunk off of wine in place of the fast and burning pain of downing the highest alcohol content shot he could get his hands on. perhaps he should enjoy wine more because of that, but, as a masochist, most nights, he wanted it fast. he didn’t drink for the journey anymore.

yet, there was something to be said for the imagery of someone drowning their melancholy in the gradual fever of a red wine. it was a scene that had been brought to life in many a movie, and it was while watching a movie reclining in his mostly unused living room couch that inspiration struck him for the song. as happened so often in movies that capitalized on dramatic love stories, a man sat in a chair in the dark of his apartment, glass of wine in his hand as he looked over the scenic view of whatever city the film was supposed to be set in. it wasn’t the first time ash had seen the movie, but he’d forgotten the details of the setting as he let the predictable story wash over him unanalyzed.

that had been ash years ago. the drinking age in korea being years lower than in the states had been a helpful accompaniment to the way he’d started young with heartbreak, too.

ash didn’t jump on the song the minute it began to sprout in his mind, but as the first movie turned into another in the mindless marathon of romantic dramas, another similar scene appeared like a sign. this time, the man had chosen a bar as a setting for his melancholy and ash couldn’t stop his brain from gnawing away at the truth behind the cliche. it was easy to drown one’s pain in a drink. ash had done it more times than he could count.

it was after the second scene that ash paused the television and followed the familiar path to his studio. the movie could wait for later, or never if he didn’t feel like coming back to it later, but in the midst of writing an album, any inspiration for a song that came to him so easily needed to be taken advantage of. there were so many nights spent in his own studio on his own or a studio at bc with other producers, brainstorming uselessly for an idea that could spark motivation that forgoing such a convenient offering of lyrical theme would be neglectful of him.

ash slid into the cool seat of his studio chair and pressed the computer on, ideas pulling at the strings of his brain so strongly that he began testing out pressing down chords on the keyboard that wasn’t capable of transferring any of it into sound yet. he heard the keys in his head as he acted out the chord structure and rhythm. he was aiming for the sound of a piano player in a jazz bar, fading into the distance while echoing in the listeners head. ash hadn’t been to many jazz bars in his time. cinema seemed to overestimate their popularity, or there was simply a major discrepancy between their abundance in american cities and seoul. film had taught him the cinematic atmosphere of one, though, and he had enough experience plucking out jazz piano music that it wasn’t too daunting of a feat for him to create a r&b chord progression to play around over top of a more freeform and clashing, tinny piano that would ring out underneath the base melody. throw in some low bass strings and a hollow drum pattern and he had a soundscape to work with before he’d even had time to create a musical outline in his mind. instead, it had all come together naturally based on the setting in his head.

there was a slow burn groove to the composition that teetered on the line between a song that could play under the witty, flirtatious exchange of dialogue during the first meeting between two fated partners in a film just as well as it could play under the scene of one half of the pair seated alone in the same bar months or years later when the passionate affair had completely fallen apart with only treacherous memories and glasses of wine left to poison the mind.

it all played out in his head faster than he could transfer it into his music program, but by the time the sun began to rise outside of his building in the morning—not that he could see it within his studio with its meticulously blacked-out windows—ash was left with an instrumental that had full potential to be turned into something. before he left the studio to shower and get dressed for his schedules for the day, sleep be damned, ash sent the instrumental out to one of his producer contacts for feedback on what it needed to be complete. surely, he hadn’t been able to craft a fully fleshed out track in one night, but he didn’t want to wait and stress over the details for another several nights in a row when what he had now had come to him as such a simple strike of inspiration.

he returned to his studio two nights later and opened up the producer’s response. they’d praised his start, but provided their constructive criticism as ash had welcomed within his initial message. he’d also invited them to include their own edits to the track if they had time, but they hadn’t sent a new file back, either because they hadn’t had time or because they hadn’t found anything they didn’t trust ash wouldn’t fix himself. ash hoped the latter possibility was the truth, but to avoid getting too proud of his own work, he assumed the former. upon listening back to the file, ash played around with production elements that had sounded better in the moment than they did now before settling on contentedness with the track.

that’s where the lyrics came in. he already had a concept in mind and thought it’d been a few days since he’d watched the scenes that had inspired the song, the distance was good. he didn’t want to write words that were too built upon some director’s creative vision for fake characters in a dramatized love story. like most of his songs, ash wanted this one to be more personal than impersonal. placing himself too separate from his own music was a sure way to run into a creative roadblock in his brain, and he’d been told he needed to work on getting better at separating himself so that he could write more diverse music, but for now, he wasn’t looking to challenge himself with someone else’s story.

it had been a while since ash had gone through a break-up or a crack in a relationship big enough to leave him drowning his romantic sorrows in a glass, but if he searched far back enough into the nooks and crannies of his memories, he could gather a recollection of what that feeling had been like. drowning his sorrows in general was a feeling that required much less searching, so he focused in on the imagery of that as he began to sketch out lyrics ideas.

settling on the concept of the bitter memories floating in the wine itself, ash found the first verse of the song. it told a four line story of downing glass after glass of the history-laced liquid to make the past disappear into the abyss because the pain of holding on was too much.

the song then turned into a lament directed at a lover who couldn’t hear him. the false sense of security in shouting into the void while intoxicated had fooled ash once or twice, but the silence never talked back in the way he wanted. it never had the voice of the person he both ached to and feared hearing speak back, and there was both relief and hurt in that fact. instead, the silence only brought back the memories that he’d been so inelegantly trying to banish from his mind.

from misery to resoluteness, that was how the song’s tale ended. the pieces of a broken relationship couldn’t be patched together any easier than the shattered shards of a fragile wine glass, and that was a truth more bitter to swallow than the drink itself. no matter how hard it could be (and how bad ash was at it), it was something that had to be realized to move on.

no one could keep submerging the parts of their mind they wanted to ignore in wine forever. they either had to find a way to float or give in and drown. that was a thought that skirted over the surface of ash’s brain, only staying long enough to be incorporated into the lyrics before swiftly disappearing so as not to be dwelled on too long.

he had to put part of himself into every song, but he didn’t have to face the way those parts tried to look back on him in the mirror of his music.

[her-culture]

Female Power On Display In The Aces’ Album "Under My Influence"

If you are looking for an album full of female empowerment and self-expression, The Aces’ sophomore album, Under My Influence, is sure to please.

Released on July 17, 2020, the 14-track album straddles the line musically between Alternative and Indie/Pop. The record starts with “Daydream,” which is a sweet summer tune about the feeling of love that enters like a sort of dream. The song was the first track released during the new era of The Aces two years after their debut album. The confidence and vulnerability that the new record displays utilize the quartet’s sense of voice in a way that remains open and honest for audiences to listen and relate with.

While speaking to Apple Music about the tracks in a guided tour, the four women expressed the messages of each song on the album and the motivations that led them to create the tunes. Lead vocalist and guitarist Cristal Ramirez stated, “The older you get, the better you get at articulating yourself and saying exactly how you feel.” The sense of empowerment within the album comes to a head during the song, “Can You Do,” which questions whether the person you are with can do everything they say they will for you in your relationship.

The song is charged with the female perspective of being involved with someone and what that will do for them. Can they do everything they are promising for you? Will they be able to satisfy all of your desires? The track is fast and so catchy; with lyrics like “I need you to please me, show how bad you need me, I can’t make it easy. You say, you say, but can you do,” it is clear that The Aces are confident and bold in telling it exactly the way they see it and feel it. The repetition within the song and fast energy make it a perfect girls night out anthem.

Another single from the album is “Kelly,” an upbeat song which talks about a girl who is unsure of what she wants from a romantic situation, especially with someone from the same sex. The track is catchy and written just like a story: “Guess you warned me that night that you weren’t ready, but then you take off your clothes yeah, you do a 180, oh Kelly, what you doing?” The quartet was ecstatic on this album as it was able to tell stories about women and about their own lives rather than just following what was expected of them as a girl group. Most of the time, all-girl bands sing about boys. They said, “I love that we were able to even push the types of stories we are telling. They're more honest than ever, and that makes them more relatable.”

The album was a great transition from their colorful and fun debut which introduced me to them and their incredibly infectious style. As a woman listening to their songs, I find that their style of music is so up my ally. I love to hear their almost beachy, indie style wrapped into a pop genre. Their sense of self shines in “801” as they explain as “an ode to breaking out of your hometown and breaking out of the mold of what you were told to be your whole life, and knowing that that's okay—and getting comfortable with who you are and not what people expect of you.” The song not only speaks on some of the members true experiences with being a part of the LGBTQ+ community but also on the idea of being yourself in a place that wanted you to hold that sense of self back. 

Growing up in Utah, a more conservative setting, was a challenge for them, especially as they began to understand their sexuality as much different than the status quo of the area. The girls make clear that not everyone is so traditional in their city, and that that is perfectly okay.

“I Can Break Your Heart Too” speaks to the very real fact that we are all filled with immense power and strength, even in a relationship that seems to be ending. The track reminds us all that we are not just victims in a setting where love can be diminishing; especially in a place of abuse of any kind or in the midst of heartache, it is essential to remember that you have the power to end things also. When speaking about the song, the girls stated, “I'm just as valuable, I'm just as sought out. I can break your heart, too.”

In many ways, The Aces sophomore album is a record filled with self-expression and honesty. With songs that are slow and heartfelt mixed with tracks that are happy and full of summer fun, the group spoke about real topics like love and the female life that can be felt by all women everywhere. The record was memorable for me and definitely captured my interest in the group even more. It is definitely worth a listen!

[hitmeuponmyspace]

The 20 Albums That Have Had the Biggest Impact on My Life

Some time during 2016, there was a popular status on Facebook in which users would list the twenty albums that had made the biggest impact on their lives. Quite a few of my "friends" (I was notorious for adding people I didn't know on Facebook) participated in posting their 20 albums, and I did the same. At this point I was still in the habit of listening to the same albums I had liked during my high school emo phase over and over again, so I copy-and-pasted the preface (which also requested not listing more than one album per artist/band), and listed 20 of these favorite albums of mine. Meanwhile, I read other people's lists, and quickly realized that I had screwed up.

No, I didn't screw up by admitting to the world that The Silence in Black and White by Hawthorne Heights was one of my favorite albums. I screwed up because, while I had posted my "favorite" albums, mostly everyone else had followed the rules, and posted "the albums that had made the biggest impact on their lives". This became apparent as I read the comments on other people's posts, in which they answered questions and discussed the specifics of why some of the albums they listed meant so much to them. I let my status become consumed by the endless abyss of Facebook posts, but one question stayed in the back of my mind in the meantime: Could there really be that much of a difference between "favorite" and "most impactful" albums?

Four years later, the answer I've come up with to this question is "I don't know; sort of". Having now branched out into the nearly infinite and somewhat overwhelming world of music thanks to my Spotify Premium subscription, I've learned that developing a "favorite" album is easy. It starts with liking an album the first time you hear it, and then returning to it over and over and over again despite having a nearly unlimited number of other albums at your disposal. There is no limit to the number of favorite albums one can have unless one places a subconscious limit upon themselves, which I have no idea why anyone would ever want to do that.

But happening simultaneously with music discovery and enjoyment is the ups and downs of real life. Sometimes there is an album that helps you through a breakup, or the death of a loved one; or on the flip-side, there is an album that becomes your go-to in the midst of falling in love, or one you always jam in the car with your friends. While these albums will inevitably become "favorites", these are also the albums that make an impact on one's life, usually for the better (now that I think about it, I can't imagine an album having a negative impact on one's life).

With this newfound knowledge, I've decided to try the list again, but correctly this time. As an added bonus, I'll be adding a description of why each of these albums means what it means to me. I'm not going to attempt to "rank" the albums, but rather, they'll be grouped by genre. As per the original rules of the status, only one album per artist/band is allowed (sorry, Silverstein). Without further ado: The Twenty Album That Have Had the Biggest Impact on My Life…

Silverstein – Discovering the Waterfront (post-hardcore) (2005)

"Sometimes betrayal can make you happy"

I debated on whether I should talk about my favorite album of all time first or last, and I decided to list it first, since in some ways I view it as "the beginning of it all". Aside from a few albums my mom bought me when I was little (I recall Hanson and The Backstreet Boys), Silverstein's Discovering the Waterfront was one of the first albums I owned in my teenage years. After first hearing the band on the music channel Fuse, I asked for the album for Christmas in 2005 and received it. I quickly fell in love, and without any ado I turned to the internet to find as many similar bands as I could, thus sparking my love for underground music.

Discovering the Waterfront is, at the forefront, a breakup album (most of Silverstein's albums are), but it has done so much more for me than help me through breakups. The initial reason why I became obsessed with this album is because it has the two things that I now still look for in any kind of hardcore or metal album – great riffs and catchy choruses. Heaviness and catchiness are the perfect musical combination in my opinion, and even when I'm not in the midst of melodramatic relationship woes, I can put on Discovering the Waterfront at any time, and singing (and screaming) along with the lyrics, all of which I have long since memorized, has always and will always improve my mood. I'll occasionally get tired of listening to most of my favorite albums if I put them on too frequently, but Discovering the Waterfront is the one album that no matter how many times or how often I listen to it, I never get sick of it, and feel the same amount of love I did for it since the very first time I heard it.

Underoath – Define the Great Line (post-hardcore) (2006)

"Oh how I've walked this white line so many times before / What a feeble attempt just to feel alive"

Define the Great Line is my second favorite album, and I discovered it not long after discovering Discovering the Waterfront. The album contains that same combination of heavy and catchy that I learned to love, and also has a bold and eerie production style that still sends chills down my back when I listen to it at high volume. Underoath's vocalist Spencer Chamberlain, who was at the time a Christian but no longer identifies as such, penned the lyrics to the album about his struggles with his faith as well as his long history of alcohol and drug abuse. As someone who has had an off-again on-again relationship with God for his entire life, as well as having my own addictions of varying sorts, Define the Great Line is always relatable, and relevant to my life. And with one of the most hopeful and uplifting final tracks on an album that I've ever encountered, I'm always left with the feeling that I can overcome any inward or outward adversity after listening.

Protest the Hero – Kezia (progressive post-hardcore) (2005)

"Resurrected to be killed and maybe born again / I'll always be Kezia so long as any hope remains"

Kezia, my third favorite album (I promise this will be the last time I say this – I only have a top 3 favorites), is a concept album which tells the story of a young girl named Kezia, who commits an unspecified gender-related crime, and is sentenced to death. The lyrics are written from the perspective of three different characters: the prison priest, the prison guard, and Kezia herself. From each of these characters' viewpoints, the listener hears about how Kezia's crime has made a major impact on the society they live in, as well as the personal impact it has had on each character. I credit Kezia for leading me to becoming interested in social politics when I was a teenager, specifically the roles of women in society. Additionally, on the purely musical side of things, I also credit Kezia for getting me into more progressive styles of metal, as Protest the Hero's propensity to jump between time signatures was a breath of fresh air at the time of my discovering the album.

Carly Rae Jepsen – Kiss (pop) (2012)

"Drive so fast baby through the night / Drive so fast and they're never gonna find you"

Carly Rae Jepsen's Kiss is the album that I credit for getting me into pop music. Now I was never one of those metalheads who disliked pop music on principle, but on the few occasions when I had checked out a pop album after liking one or two of the singles, I would find that those singles were the only interesting songs on the album. It wasn't until listening to Kiss after being bitten by the eternal earworm that is Call Me Maybe when I learned that some pop musicians care about producing entire albums of quality songs, as opposed to just one or two singles and a bunch of throwaways. Kiss, along with Carly's followup album Emotion, are still the two best dancepop albums I've ever heard, and no matter what mood I'm in, I can always put on one or the other and be singing (and when I'm alone, dancing) along in no time.

Madonna – Ray of Light (pop) (1998)

"Quicker than a ray of light then gone for�� / Someone else will be there, through the endless years"

As far as pop albums go, Madonna's Ray of Light is the most multi-dimensional expression of artistic talent that I've ever heard. Composed during a period of Madonna's life when she was fascinated with Hinduism and Yoga, Ray of Light takes musical and lyrical elements of Indian tradition and fuses them with American and European dancepop. The final product is absolutely stunning, and even though it has a relatively long runtime of an hour and six minutes, I'm always left wishing there was more because it's just so pleasant and fun to listen to. If Kiss was the album that got me into pop music, then Ray of Light was the album that made me truly excited about pop music.

Ariana Grande – Thank U, Next (pop) (2019)

"Look at you, boy, I invented you / Gucci tennis shoes, running from your issues"

Ariana Grande released Thank U, Next during a dark period in her life, as well as during a dark period of my own. I'm going to spare you, faithful reader, the details of that time period, but I want to convey that whenever I listened to Thank U, Next, or even heard a single from the album on the radio, it felt good to have a reminder that I wasn't suffering alone, and that everything would eventually be okay. Thank you, next.

Utada – This Is the One (pop) (2009)

"Who am I trying to fool? / Honey, I've got your ringtone on my Blackberry"

This Is the One, an album about grieving through heartbreak and then moving on from it, was introduced to me by a friend who, at the same time as I, had been dumped by the girl he loved. I had been dumped before, but this instance was particularly difficult to get over because it had been the longest relationship that I had ever been in. But it was This Is the One, with Utada's quirky lyrics about her messy matters of the heart, that helped me more than any other album to finally move on from that relationship.

Trivium – Ascendency (metal) (2005)

"Freezing the air that stands between all of us / Closing the eyes, bear witness to me"

I almost took Ascendency off the list because I couldn't exactly pinpoint the influence the album had on me, but at the same time I knew it wouldn't feel right for me to leave it off the list, so here it stays. Although I wouldn't say Ascendency is the album that got me into metal, it was the first non-metalcore, just straight up metal album that I ever owned. Although it's not an overtly political album, it was the first album I ever owned that had any political overtones at all, and it helped sway me to the left side of the political spectrum. Although the lyrics to the album aren't overly complicated, there were quite a few individual words I had to look up the definitions to, which helped motivate me at a young age to always actively try to increase my vocabulary. Although Ascendency isn't the greatest metal album of all time, it's one that I hold near and dear to my heart.

Novelists FR – Souvenirs (progressive metalcore) (2015)

"Can you hear me loud and clear now? / Why can't you sing along? Sing your fucking heart out"

Souvenirs is my favorite metalcore album, and I haven't been able to stop listening to it since it dropped in 2015. Despite metalcore having been one of my favorite genres since 2007, every metalcore album I listened to before this one had at least one thing I didn't like about it, whether it be a certain song, some of the lyrics, the production, etc. It was when I first heard Souvenirs, with its technical riffing, crushing breakdowns, heartfelt vocals, and glossy production that I felt that every itch I had had when it came to my longing for the perfect metalcore album had finally been scratched. With their followup album Noir which is every bit as good, I now consider Novelists FR to be my second favorite active band after Silverstein.

The Contortionist – Exoplanet (deathcore) (2010)

"Endless…motion…"

Exoplanet rules!

Nas – Illmatic (hip-hop) (1994)

"Fuck who's the baddest, a person's status depends on salary"

I first discovered Illmatic while browsing the Rolling Stone's Top 500 Greatest Albums Of All Time list. After my initial surprise that there were hip-hop albums on the list at all (the magazine had originally been created to cover rock music), I decided to check one of them out, sheerly out of curiosity. At that point in my life (I was probably 16 or 17), I had heard almost no hip-hop outside of what was on the radio and television. So because I remembered hearing of Nas before but couldn't recollect what he sounded like, and because I remembered seeing the classic album cover before at my local CD and record stores, I chose to listen to Illmatic…

…and boy, did I make the correct choice. Even upon first listen, it's clearly evident why Illmatic is considered one of the greatest, if not the greatest hip-hop album of all time. The freshly produced, New York style beats; Nas's inquisitive, street-smart lyrics and effortlessly smooth flow; and the memorable hooks are all packed neatly into this 40 minute album with absolutely no skits, gimmicks or filler. I knew that there was no going back after listening to Illmatic, and I had no other choice but to begin immersing myself into the world of hip-hop.

Kendrick Lamar – To Pimp a Butterfly (hip-hop) (2015)

"Just because you wore a different gang color than mine's / Doesn't mean I can't respect you as a black man"

If Kezia was the album that made me care about the gender side of social politics, then To Pimp a Butterfly was the album that made me care about the racial side. Loosely structured around a poem Kendrick composed about his internal and external struggles with being a black man thrusted into a position of fame and power, TPAB hits on many of the dynamics and problems that people of color still face in America today. As a little white boy, the album has opened my eyes to many racial issues that I either subconsciously turned away from, or hadn't even known about to begin with. Furthermore, Kendrick is a masterful lyricist and storyteller; and without spoiling the ending, the conclusion of TPAB is one of the most chilling moments I've ever encounted in music.

Nujabes – Modal Soul (hip-hop) (2005)

"Time can be generous but ultimately time is indifferent"

Modal Soul, the second studio album from the late Japanese DJ, composer and producer Nujabes, is perhaps one of the most easy-listening albums in all of hip-hop. While Illmatic captures the chaotic essence of New York City, Modal Soul conveys the busybody soundscapes of Tokyo, Japan. Since discovering this album, it has consistently been my go-to soundtrack for long drives on the highway at night. The album also sparked my interest in Japanese music and culture, which, as any Westerner who has gone down that route of discovery knows, runs on an entirely different wavelength than what we are accustomed to.

Richard Jacques – Sonic R Original Sountrack (soundtrack, electronic) (1998, 2014)

"You're the one that makes me feel so high, like a diamond in the sky"

After doing a Google search for "are video game soundtracks considered albums?", I decided to add the Sonic R OST to the list. Long before I had heard any of the other albums on this list, I grew up with a game called Sonic R, which is quite simply a racing game featuring characters form the Sonic the Hedghog series. I would beat the game over and over, not because I liked it (even though I did), but because I loved the soundtrack. The fast-paced, 90's-style electropop bangers, with vocals sung by Teresa Jane Davis, would be stuck in my head long after I put the controller down. Although I have fond memories of quite a few video games from my childhood along and their soundtracks, it's the Sonic R OST that I come back to most often when I need that fine dose of nostalgia.

Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here (progressive rock) (1975)

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"

The past girlfriend I mentioned in the description for This Is the One used to play this album a lot, especially when we first started dating. Although I had never had any interest in "classic rock", I was drawn to this album due to the sheer conveyance of emotion in both the lyrics and the music that it contained. Written as an ode to a former member of the band who had gone insane, Wish You Were Here still strikes me with both profound sadness and intense hope upon each listen. On the musical side, ever since falling in love with this album, I've heard Pink Floyd's influence in so many of the bands and artists that I listen to, especially those who favor more progressive styles of songwriting. I would have to think that some, if not most, of the other albums on this list wouldn't be here if it weren't for Pink Floyd, and especially this album.

Jethro Tull – Thick As a Brick (progressive rock) (1972)

"Really don't mind if you sit this one out / My words but a whisper, your deafness a shout"

It's not for any deeply personal reason that I decided to include Thick As a Brick on this list. Rather, it's because in the most objective senses of my subjective appreciation of music, I know that Thick As a Brick is at the top of the list of the most impressively composed pieces of music I've ever heard, along with Wish You Were Here and Godspeed's Slow Riot (the last album on this list). As with To Pimp a Butterfly (unlikely duo!), Thick As a Brick is structured around a narrative poem. It is performed as one, continuous, 40-minute piece of music, rife with zany folk instrumentation and erratic-yet-cohesive song structuring. But for as complex as Thick As a Brick is, I find it to be a very accessible and pleasing listen, and it's an album that I would recommend to nearly anyone.

Mount Eerie – A Crow Looked At Me (indie rock) (2017)

A definite outlier on this list, A Crow Looked At Me is an album that I've only listened to once. It is the saddest album I've ever heard, and thus far the only one that has ever made me cry. Written by Phil Elverum (the sole member of Mount Eerie) as a lament to his wife who died of pancreatic cancer, A Crow Looked At Me is infinitely beautiful but absolutely devastating. The album has haunted me since I listened to it, and it will be a very long time before I try to revisit it, if I ever do.

Against the Current – Infinity (pop-rock) (2014)

"Everywhere we go, we leave shadows from the past / We won't die young, but we'll live fast"

In contrast to the previous album on this list, Infinity is what I oftentimes consider "the happiest 16 minutes of my life". It is a compilation of five up-beat, fun and catchy pop-rock songs sung by possibly the cutest frontgirl to ever exist in music. I can put this EP on at any time and my mood will instantly be lifted. No other album (or EP!) has consistently given me those juicy hits of dopamine like Infinity has.

Panic! At the Disco – A Fever You Can't Sweat (pop-rock) (2005)

"Well she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor just for the attention / 'cause that's just ridiculously odd"

So many different times and with so many different people, I've put on A Fever You Can't Sweat Out in my car, and whoever I was driving with knew all the lyrics to the album. I'm not just talking about I Write Sins Not Tragedies either; I've sung along to every song on this album with friends, girlfriends and strangers alike (don't ask why I've had strangers in my car). A Fever You Can't Sweat Out was and will always be a phenomenon, and it has been the source of many fun times in my life.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor – Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada (post-rock) (1998)

"You think you're god because you have a robe and you can put people up the goddamn river for 20 years? Well you're not."

I am left with no choice but to conclude this list with Godspeed's magnum opus, as one feels that there should not be, or perhaps could not be, a future after Slow Riot. Structured around a recorded vox pop interview with a man named Blaise Bailey Finnegan III, this half-hour piece of ambient post-rock – with its gloomy, apocolypctic soundscapes, and its verbal protestations against the American government – makes me contemplate time and time again whether there is any hope left for Western society. Furthermore, Slow Riot, as well as the rest of Godspeed's work, has taught me that oftentimes patience is the key is to enjoying music.

[onestowatch]

Take a Seat and Watch as Banoffee Blossoms

Despite growing up in a predominantly folk-inspired home in a small suburb of Melbourne, Martha Brown, more popularly known as Banoffee, has an extraordinarily mutant pop sound. Her parents consistently enjoyed the likes of Joni Mitchell and James Brown, but young Banoffee had a secret passion for R&B stars like Ne-Yo and Ashanti.

In 2010, Brown took her first step forward in the music industry with her sister Hazel and friend Kishore Ryan in a local, three-piece pop act called Otouto. During this period, she honed in on perfecting her keyboard-playing and her interest in organ-based keyboards. After Otouto’s first (and only) release, “Pip,” the group decided to part ways and Brown started her solo project, Banoffee.

Her first single “Ninja” was released in 2013. The dreamy song served as Banoffee’s gateway into the ever-evolving realm of pop. The following year she released her debut self-titled EP. The five tracks are full of simple synths, sharp hooks, and catchy beats. In 2015, she released her sophomore EP, Do I Make You Nervous?, which beautifully showcased her personal and musical growth. 

Her saucy tune, “With Her,” makes you recall that time when you were in love with a boy who made you a little too comfortable and ultimately revealed he had a girlfriend the whole time. Because we’ve all been there, right? There’s nothing more relatable than the verse.

“And I never felt like such a pet And I followed every step My hand was yours to hold How silly now I know, how silly now I know To think we were alone”

Banoffee is incredible at turning heartbreaking events into danceable bops. The other four songs on Do I Make You Nervous? revolve around themes of abusive relationships, self-doubt, and letting go.

Once she relocated to Los Angeles, Banoffee found herself in the same crowd of creatives as Charli XCX. Fast forward to 2018 when Charli invited Banoffee to join her on Taylor Swift’s worldwide “Reputation Tour.” The gargantuan stadium tour spanned from May to November and included over 50 shows between North America, Europe, Australia, and Asia. As a queer artist, Banoffee thrived, feeling embrace and support from the LGBTQ+ community that populated Charli’s shows.

In the midst of the tour, Banoffee released “Muscle Memory,” her darkest single to date. The well-timed trap snares provide a sharp foundation for her lustful lyrics and pronounced reverb. Her subsequent releases, 2018’s “Bubbles” and “Shut You Up,” furthered her evolving, complex production. Listeners can hear how Banoffee has grown as a producer, as the vocals in these singles are more discernible while also remaining multifaceted.

Since touring with Charli XCX, Banoffee has remained on the rising pop radar, most notably opening for King Princess on her twenty-show sold-out tour across America. She also opened for Empress Of on her European tour in March and released a single with her titled ���Tennis Fan” earlier this year. The song is yet another seed in Banoffee’s growing garden of hits.

The beauty of Banoffee’s sound is that it is constantly evolving and growing. None of her singles are indicative of what she’ll release next. Her debut album, Look At Us Now Dad will be released in February of 2020. There’s no telling what kind of electro-pop beats she’ll plant in our heads next, but I’m sure they’ll blossom into masterpieces.

[lunapaper]

Album Review: ‘Connect The Dots’ - Misterwives

Trump: the worst thing to happen to America, but the best thing to happen to music in years? Maybe. Electing that bloated, crusty old fuck has seen many artists unite with incredible zeal against his dangerously tone-deaf agenda as they line up to release their own songs of protest. The latest to take aim is New York quintet Misterwives with their Butch Walker-produced second album Connect The Dots, the political fodder providing the record with its most enjoyable moments.

The horn-led exuberance of first single ‘Machine’ doesn’t rage against it, per se, but rather delivers a colourful ‘fuck’ you to The Man™ while melting the coldest of hearts with its call for solidarity in this volatile political climate, inviting listeners to scream ‘we’re not part of your machine.’

Gospel-powered standout ‘Revolution’ also leads a rousing call-to-arms while treading the line between wide-eyed optimism and crushing despair (‘Detached from these terrors we watch from afar/Sending prayers and wishes upon empty stars/While I'm trying to sleep, oh how could I sleep?’) but as those haunting harmonies soar and the hand claps kick in, you can’t help but get swept up in the euphoria.

The jaunty ‘Out Of Tune Piano’ preaches self-love and empowerment when the world is crumbling around you with a rich, Panic!-esque flourish of vaudevillian pop rock, the kinda track that plays during the montage in a romantic comedy or in a big musical finale, while the wintry echo of ‘Brother’ provides comfort with a slow-building, orchestral bloom in the midst of a battle with mental illness.

‘Oh Love,’ however, offers a rather dystopian view of the world since last November’s election, comparing it to that of an emotionally abusive relationship with all the subtlety of a Trump tweet (‘These walls of hate will suffocate, and one by one we will deflate/So this I cry and this I pray, our card will trump and you will break’). The track gives Connect The Dots’ candy shell its dark centre, unleashing a grimy, distorted blues pop chorus to match the anxieties of an uncertain future. Peace and solidarity are all well and good, don’t get me wrong, but ‘Oh Love’ proves refreshing as we watch the band’s starry eyes dim for a moment to inject some real righteous anger, that maybe, just maybe, we did fuck up big time, that it’s not all sunshine and roses and now we have to pay the price for our complacency and ignorance.

For all the positivity and good vibes Connect The Dots is steeped in, it can sometimes prove too sickly-sweet. Weak link ‘Chasing This’ reaches Glee levels of cheese despite the band’s heartfelt nostalgia (‘Remember the night that we walked, from Bleecker to Ditmars/Oh and we talked of our dreams till the sunrise/Over the Queensborough bridge with our eyes open wide/Still keep that moment with me’), as does the folksy lilt of ‘Band Camp,’ a rather forgettable ode to campfire singalongs and getting back to nature that feels more childish than childlike at times. It could’ve easily been cut without any impact on the finished product.

Connect The Dots has an undeniable charm and Misterwives’ message of love and solidarity is just so damn earnest that you can’t help but raise a fist in the air with them. Frontwoman Mandy Lee sums it up best in a recent interview with The Sinclair: ‘I will say this till the day I die but music is medicinal and I'm so fortunate to have an outlet that helps me overcome any tragedy or celebrate any triumph thrown my way.’ And trust me, we could all do with a little medicine at the moment…

-Bianca B.

[365daysoflesbians]

JANUARY 25: Virginia Woolf (1882-1941)

Dear readers,

Today we will explore the life and affections of a favourite writer of mine - Virginia Woolf. This first post will be echoed by reviews of several of her books later this year, which is why we won’t linger too much on praising her literary genius.

To put you in the right mood, you can listen here to the only recording of her voice, first broadcast by the BBC on 29 April 1937 as part of a series called Words Fail Me.

British writer Virginia Woolf was born Adeline Virginia Stephen on January 25, 1882 in a stepfamily, to Julia Prinsep Jackson, who was Julia Margaret Cameron’s niece and a Pre-Raphaelite model, and to Sir Leslie Stephen, who was previously William Thackeray’s son-in-law, and a historian, critic and biographer. Such parents came with friends from Victorian literary circles such as Henry James, Lewes and Lowell who were regularly invited at their house in Kensington, London, and influenced the education of the Stephen children.

Virginia Stephen by George Charles Beresford, July 1902

Listing the family tragedies that occurred while Virginia was still young is heartbreaking. Her half-sister Laura was sent to an asylum when Virginia was 9. Then her mother died when she was 13, shortly followed by her other half-sister Stella. To top it all, Virginia and her sister Vanessa were sexually abused as children and teenagers by their adult half-brothers. (Thankfully their crime was acknowledged and denounced by both women later on!)

This left the remaining four children, Vanessa, Thoby, Virginia and Adrian to deal with a tyrannical, capricious father too occupied with his life’s work – editing the Dictionary of National Biographies. At that time, Virginia suffered (presumably as a result) several nervous breakdowns, and subsequent recurring depressive periods, for which doctors prescribed “Rest Cures” (ever read The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman?). Actually similar mood swings continued to torment her all her life, and partly led to her suicide in the River Ouse on March 28, 1941.

Vanessa et Virginia playing cricket at their family’s summer home in Cornwall, 1893 – a idyllic setting which inspired To the Lighthouse (1927) a vibrant homage to their mother.

While the boys were given a proper education and sent to Cambridge, that would have been inappropriate for the girls. At least, Virginia could educate herself thanks to her father’s huge private library – and, boy, did she read! Along with learning Ancient Greek, Latin, and German, she developed a yearning to write, starting with diaries, and a family newspaper, illustrated by Vanessa who took art classes. Furthermore, their brothers brought home their friends from Cambridge, which was the beginning of what we know as the Bloomsbury Group.

However it only officially became the Bloomsbury Group when the Stephen siblings actually left Kensington at their father’s death in 1902, and set up house in Bloomsbury, where they started to live a bohemian life and regularly welcomed Lytton Strachey, Duncan Grant, Roger Fry, John Maynard Keynes and others in their midst. They had so much fun (ever heard of the Dreadnought Hoax?) breaking the codes of Victorian society, in art, literature, but also in their social life – they had quite the progressive approach to sexuality. Though if homosexuality between men was accepted and even celebrated, as much as heterosexuality, that didn’t seem to include lesbianism – how progressive…

Socialising in the sun. From left to right, Angelica/Vanessa/Clive Bell, Virginia Woolf, Maynard Keynes. Photo from Virginia Woolf’s Monk’s House photo album, before 1939.

But then, Thoby died, and soon afterwards, her sister Vanessa, to whom Virginia was really close, married art critic Clive Bell. After a fake marriage proposal by Lytton, the latter urged his friend Leonard Woolf, who was abroad at the time, to marry Virginia. They met and indeed married in 1912. Critics often disagree on their relationship and Leonard’s role in Virginia’s life – the saviour, or the prison ward. On the one hand, he refused her a child, giving her mental instability as a pretext and influencing the doctors’ ultimate decision, and was often painted as the poor husband of a frigid Virginia in the latter’s first biographies – a portrait shaped by his perspective, which hides his own issues regarding sex and women. But on the other hand, he nurtured Virginia’s talent, tried to keep her stable by moving to the countryside, giving her a hobby (as prescribed by doctors) by creating the Hogarth Press, which published her own books, but also that of the members of the Bloomsbury Group, other contemporary writers, and the first English translation of Sigmund Freud’s work. At least, most critics agree to say that, without Leonard, Virginia probably wouldn’t have lived as long - and written as much - as she did.

“Virginia Woolf” (c.1912) portrait by Vanessa Bell. Vita Sackville-West as “Lady in a Red Hat” (1918) by William Strang

Nevertheless, Virginia’s affections were more often directed towards women – it started with her first crush, her cousin Madge, then with Violet Dickinson, 17 years her senior, who helped her through the death of her father. Later on, she intrigued and impressed the extravagant Ottoline Morrell, who developed a crush on her and often invited her to her salons, though Virginia would often ridicule her and mock her behind her back – aware of the power she yielded thanks to her words and wit, she always liked to hold court in society, where she gave satirical portrayals of everybody (while drinking champagne). Composer Ethel Smyth also fell for Virginia, and both women remained friends till the latter’s death.

Her most famous relationship though was with Vita Sackville West, whom she met in 1922. Their affair led Virginia to write to - and about - her lover. She described Vita as “pink glowing, grape clustered, pearl hung” and wrote to her “you only be a careful dolphin in your gambolling, or you’ll find Virginia’s soft crevices lined with hooks!” Their romance led to the writing of Orlando, qualified by Vita’s son as “the longest and most charming love letter in literature,” but also inspired other writers, such as Edna O’Brien, Eileen Atkins, Christine Orban…

Virginia was fascinated by bisexuality (as the fusion of both male and female identities in one person, not the modern understanding of the term) and experimented with the ideas of genders, and heterosexual and homosexual relationships in her writing. If you are interested in  that reflection, I recommend the recent lesbian reading of her works (both fiction and non-fiction).

Want to know more? Here are some anecdotes about her...

- Lise

[universe-clock]

4 Years in Boulder, Colorado.

Welp, here’s the tl;dr just so you don’t have to scroll all the way down the essay:

Four Years in Boulder:

Thought for myself

Practiced guitar & sang

Free wrote, composed

Taught private woodwind lessons

Prepared bagel sandwiches; serenaded customers

Cashiered more; serenaded more customers

Hiked, ran, biked, relaxed, watched TV & movies, played video games

Listened to music (obsessed over a handful of albums)

Drank coffee, smoked weed, tried beers

Year 1:

Jobless & hopeful with freedom

A new desire to play & perform songs on guitar

Making random connections & acquaintances

Living among college students

Getting a job making bagels

Making occasional mistakes, but learning from them

Gained respect for many people different than my way of life, i.e. LGBTQ, Buddhists, stoners, sex addicts, nonbelievers & believers of other faiths

Year 2:

Getting a job teaching woodwind students

Losing touch with old friends back home; loneliness

Only getting so far with connections; staying in routine

Fearing social situations and staying inside

Brooded; learned 150 songs

Fumbled with a life decision and almost ruined everything

Spoke to God daily about regret and guilt

Year 3:

Enhanced a few friendships & gained trust

Practiced guitar more than ever

Bucked down with more songwriting, learned 50 more songs

Brooded more; stalked my ex

Questioned God during the election

Continued to ruin my shoulder

Purchased an electric guitar

Got shoulder surgery

Caroline breaks silence; reconciliation

Recovery process & moving process began

Left bagel shop to work at Lucky’s

Year 4:

Worked Lucky’s and Lesson Studio

Proposed to Caroline

Experienced Grampop’s memorial service

Didn’t perform much except September, October & November

Promoted in February

Went back to Moe’s to play more music

* * * Here’s the substance * * *

I started my move to Colorado on August 11 four years ago. It was an impulsive decision. Awed by the mountains, the big sky, the nature trails, the activities, the quality of life and the people, I picked up and left my old life on the east coast. It was hard, but my desire made it easy. All I could think about was moving forward and trying to make this new life amount to my past.

When I moved into my first place on August 15 (my mother’s birthday), I unpacked and saw that my parents left me a couple letters laden with support and advice for this new adventure. Put simply, “rely on God” and “time will fly in a blink of an eye”.

I blinked. It’s been four years. In this college town of Boulder, my “post-grad” experience has come to an end without having attended school. I learned more than I thought I would in this time and am still very much soaking things in. While I feel like I haven’t accomplished as much as I would have liked, I think back to first moving out and see it as a very positive experience.

My first year, I thought for myself in a new way. I had a new sense of unapologetic freedom that I didn’t abuse, but gave trials to new activities. I spent most of this time practicing guitar & learning new songs, refined certain ideas from past years and sang more. I biked into town to coffee shops to write, listen to music and people-watch. I made random connections & acquaintances. I lived among college students young & old; underclassmen and post-graduates. Within two months, I became employed by Moe’s Broadway Bagel just through word of mouth. I was becoming the Boulder wallflower that began to gain respect for those different from me, all while beginning to see I’m not so different from them after all. Even from Buddhists, non-believers, believers of other faiths, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders, sex addicts, even - and especially - stoners. I hiked early mornings to see the sunrise before church. I was constantly yearning that, somehow, each moment mattered, no matter how impulsive or intentional the moment was, including the mistakes.

The next year, in a new pad, I was called to teach at a private lesson studio in Boulder. This was the greatest start to this year, as I began to experience loneliness later on. I wasn’t as extraverted as I thought I was, and whenever I thought about this, I got anxious and mainly stayed inside. Social situations felt more awkward than comfortable. I began to lose touch with my old friends from New Jersey & Pennsylvania, and was only getting so far with connections due to shyness. However, from this brooding, I managed to learn over a hundred songs. I developed relationships with each of these songs & artists. I even got to begin performing at the bagel shop, and the pizza parlor owned by the bagel shop owners’ daughter.

It wasn’t until late October that I thought I’d move back home. I missed Caroline, I missed my family & friends, I missed my old life and the way I used to be. Trekking this far from home and changing ended up being more than I had asked for, all while not knowing initially what I was getting into. I was dead-set on moving home through mid-March, when I was suddenly offered more opportunities through my jobs and cultivated better relationships with my coworkers. By the end of April, I was very close to reversing my decision. This conflict began to wreck me and my relationship with Caroline. On May 2, I wished her goodbye and faced a new fate in Boulder.

It was in between years two and three that I experienced the most regret & guilt I’ve ever dealt with in my life. Fumbling with this life decision felt like I had ruined everything. Personal gains didn’t seem to matter at this time. The silence was continued by me, as I felt breaking it would just be harmful - I did not want to hurt Caroline anymore and she shouldn’t feel emotional tugs from me. In August 2016, I moved into another place with two friends who essentially saved my sanity. These friendships allowed me to trust what was ahead. Practicing guitar and writing (sappy, emotional fragments) got me through some rough times alone. I learned fifty more tunes, self-loathed even more, and performed plenty to deal with the doubt. I even questioned God during the election season; on election night, I woke up at 2:00am to the news that a misogynist became the 45th President. I almost cried. I wasn’t sure what God was trying to tell me in the midst of all this.

December 26, 2016 was when Caroline reached out to me and broke the silence. It was surreal, as I never thought I’d hear from her again. I didn’t think I deserved to hear from her, despite having stalked her to see how she was faring with moving on. I thought she had forgotten about me already. When we spoke, it was cautious yet genuine; we didn’t want to further hurt each other. Though confused, we continued to decipher our relationship. We prayed for clarity and direction, and then we didn’t speak for two more weeks into January to see how we’d feel.

It never occurred to me to ask Caroline to move out here. For her to quit what she started to embrace a new life halfway across the country with me seemed selfish and impractical, so I just never asked her. But, when she brought up the idea herself, I couldn’t help but ask. We began to gently plan for this, and by April she had submitted her resignation and became more ready to move out with me. I just wanted to get her out here as smoothly and efficiently as possible, and she even found a job by mid-June. We jumped through hoops of morals that brought on living together outside of marriage, but we were always able to talk about these issues to a point where we’d agree and strongly hold on through tough times. At the end of the day, more people outside of our relationship had problems with it, and at that point, none of those opinions really mattered to us. Doing what was right for us while asking God for guidance was at the forefront of our minds.

Four years in, I became more of an adult than I ever thought I would - got a job at a natural grocery store called Lucky’s Market to gain healthcare, proposed to Caroline, began wedding planning, and worked as much as I could to provide living space, food, & fun for the love of my life.

Now, however, I find myself in the midst of another new transition. My old habits aren’t dying hard, but about to live fuller than ever. I am going back to Moe’s Bagel to serve my old owners with a new sense of gratitude, serve the hungry Boulderites with a new sense of purpose, and supply my musical talents to the old crowd whom appreciated my little (yet meaningful) presence in this town. This new journey outlines my old one and, while uncertain, I’m trusting that God will provide and that this time will be worth all the while.

[themusicenthusiast]

Album Review: ‘Erase Me’ by Underøath

Metalcore. Post-hardcore. Whatever you want to label Underoath, there’s no denying that they rose through the ranks of the genre(s) they fit in to become a definitive voice of it, helping establish a gold standard for it and being inimitable in the process. Their breakup was inevitable, just as it is for any band – certain to happen sooner or later. The same could be said of the reunion tour that brought them back to the stage throughout 2016 and 2017. But just what kind of implications would the Rebirth Tour have? Was it simply a way for Spencer Chamberlain, Aaron Gillespie, Tim McTague, Chris Dudley, Grant Brandell, and James Smith to reunite and savor the past one last time before laying Underoath to rest for good? Or would that word “rebirth” become more symbolic than any fan would dare hope for? After all, with now eight years having passed since their last album, new music from the acclaimed group seemed destined to be nothing more than wishful thinking. And then came the announcement of Erase Me.

Set for release on April 6th (and out via Fearless Records), it will be the boldest collection of songs to date from Underoath, who abandoned their former way of thinking when it came to penning this new music. “That’s not Underoath enough,” Chamberlain has been quoted as saying, that being their previous criteria when crafting music. Unshackled by it, they have become free to let the music take them where it may instead of working to achieve one specific sound. That has allowed the six-piece outfit to grow and expand as both individuals and a collective. The result may be surprising to some longtime fans, and others may be unreceptive to it all together. However, even if the mindsets have evolved and the styles have progressed, the eleven new songs that comprise Erase Me aren’t a complete departure from Underoath’s roots. That’s demonstrated with the lead track, “It Has To Start Somewhere”. Some melodic chords to get it underway, it quickly hits the ground running. “If my tongue is the blade, then your hand is the gun. One of us ain’t going home tonight!” Spencer Chamberlain loudly proclaims, making it sound like a threat, his voice complementing that intro as he clearly enunciates the words. Nothing on Erase Me may be the same type of heavy as stuff from Underoath’s past, though they compensate for that with a newfound sense of intensity and urgency, that first track thrusting the listener right in the midst of the beautiful and elegant chaos. Chamberlain frequently taps into his heavier abilities as a vocalist, guttural screams punctuating the desperate cries that are the choruses. The percussion is the clear driving force behind “It Has To Start Somewhere”, Gillespie’s drumming being merciless and adding immensely to the ferocity of the track. A full throttle song that has a no-holds-barred approach, lyrically it establishes a thread that will be a common one for the duration of the album. They haven’t changed their approach to writing songs in that regard, this one hinting at a lack of self-worth while also alluding to subjects like substance abuse and dependency and the desire to be something more than what you currently are. The two singles released in advance of Erase Me come in rapid succession, as Underoath hastily works to fully captivate the listener. It works, “Rapture” standing not just as one of the strongest tracks on the record, but one of the best of the band’s career. If any song is deserving of representing this new era, it is that one. It marks a foray more into hard rock or alt-metal territory, the group excelling at it. Dudley’s work on the keys is more prominent on the riff-centric number that features a gorgeous lull and an impassioned delivery from Chamberlain as they continue to delve into a toxic relationship. Be it with or person or personifying a substance. By the time the third song, “On My Teeth”, is finished, Underoath has the listener hook, line and sinker. No matter how many times fans may have already listened to what was the lead single, in the context of the full album it’s presented in a different light. After the previous songs, it strikes one as being more vehement and aggressive than ever, proving that Chamberlain, Gillespie, McTague, Dudley, Brandell, and Smith are still in touch with their brash side. It’s stunning, the way the guitars, bass, drums and keys coalesce, such as how the heaviest beats are timed perfectly with the loudest of the vicious screams, enhancing the overall impact. In absolute control and evoking their earlier years, the six of them demonstrate pure mastery over the heavy and devastating track that is tinged with metalcore elements, making it the most blistering song that Erase Me has to offer. An unflinching and self-reflective look at the creature a person has become, “ihateit” is easily the most personal and emotional song found on Erase Me. It’s abounding with phenomenal lines, like the regret-filled “…Somehow, I fell back into habits that tear me apart. I never got to say I’m sorry…” or the chorus, “You’re the only thing that gets me high and I hate it!” and the second verse, “I’m tangled up in my own image, but I hate who’s staring back at me,” both of which are drenched in self-loathing. Chamberlain very much sounds like a person who despises what they are, going on to admit being a user of not just things but people, disgusted by those personal actions. It ebbs and flows spectacularly, building from something serene that is behooving of the self-reflective nature of the track to a monstrous piece, the seething anger seeping through at every turn, symbolic of self-hatred that is being experienced. “ihateit” is a shining example of how powerful a song can be when everything is done in a full concerted manner. The lyrics and the music work in perfect harmony with one another, the vocalist working overtime to ensure every nuanced emotion is articulately expressed. In this instance that results in a grand scope for a song whose magnitude is off the charts. Fans may perceive other songs as being different, though the only truly offbeat one is “No Frame”. It’s a venture into, of all things, electronica, hints of rock eventually being worked into it. Ambient and dystopian, it is, without question, uncharted territory for Underoath. Heavy on the keys and with some synthesizers brought into the mix, it is totally experimental by their standards. Surprisingly, as out of their realm as it may be, they pull it off magnificently. Another song with an immaculate flow, the guitars, drums and bass are slowly layered atop everything, culminating in an epic counterbalance to the otherwise atmospheric tone and at times effects-laden, soupy vocals. One could view “No Frame” as being outside of Underoath’s wheelhouse, as it is. It could also be viewed as them expanding their wheelhouse and exploring some intriguing and profound new depths that further revitalize them. Plenty of other excellent offerings also adorn Erase Me, further fleshing out the story that helps tie everything together, ultimately reaching a thrilling conclusion; the album as a whole having somewhat of a cinematic flare to it. It may not be as overt as some artists make it, but it’s present, every song in one way or another circling back to that theme of dependency, concluding with a track that admits the ways a person has failed themselves and those that care for them, asking for a hand in helping them on the road to recovery. That’s one of the most engrossing components of Erase Me. There’s a larger story driving everything, one that the musicians are wholly invested in and one that is apt to resonate with a lot of people. Perhaps not every song, but many are certain to connect with one or two on a personal level. Now, that’s not meant to undercut what the six of them have accomplished in the musical realm with Erase Me, either. This is Underoath making an attempt at longevity. Their legacy always will be intact or would have been had a reunion not been in the cards. Despite what the title may suggest, Erase Me isn’t trying to negate that at all. Rather, it’s more about starting anew. Getting a blank slate so that embarking on a different path is easier. Something that’s applicable to a life journey every bit as much as it is a musical one. Erase Me is the product of a mature and refined Underoath, but honestly, it isn’t as radically different as some may consider it to be. The band has been perpetually evolving since day one, every album bringing something new to the table. The only thing different now is that they’ve embraced the maturity that comes with age and allowed that to be reflected in their music, no longer chasing after one specific sound. But don’t think for a minute that they have sacrificed their edge because of that. This record has it all. It’s daring and dangerous. Violent yet serene. Mournful and angry. It incorporates some fantastic lulls that add to the enormity of the emotions that are woven together throughout it. There is some familiarity to the music, segments being a bit radio friendly, yet it all still sounds new and different. It’s also worth noting that Erase Me is practically a complete separation (for the band as a unit) from the faith that was so crucial to them early on. Nevertheless, several of the songs could still be construed as having some subtle Christian undertones. The beautiful thing about that is that it’s left completely up to the listener to discern. If you want to read into it in that way, that’s fine. It’s also just as easy to listen to the songs and not even be aware of such possible connotation. In the end, Erase Me is Underoath s biggest move to date. Chamberlain, Gillespie, McTague, Dudley, Brandell, and Smith boldly blaze new paths while still honoring the evolutionary steps that got them to where they are. The excitement generated from that creative revival shows, the band carrying themselves with a more determined and energetic spirit than ever on what isn’t just a definitive record but a crowning achievement of an already stellar career. From front to back this album in an enthralling listening experience without a single weak spot to be pinpointed. And as varied as it may be, no track sounding quite the same, it’s remarkably cohesive. There’s something to be found on it that will satisfy old fans, along with some material that’s sure to win over new listeners. Just give Erase Me a few listens and this latest step in Underoath’s career is sure to charm you. Pre-order Erase Me on: iTunes | Google Play | Amazon MP3 Visit Underoath’s websites: Official Website | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Current Shows: 2018 April 20--Downtown Las Vegas Events Center--Las Vegas, NV 27--Metropolitan Park--Jacksonville, FL 28--Markham Park--Sunrise, FL 30--Iron City Bham--Birmingham, AL May 1--Georgia Theatre--Athens, GA 3--The Mill & Mine--Knoxville, TN 4--Rock City Campgrounds at Charlotte Motor Speedway--Charlotte, NC 5--Phase 2 Dining & Entertainment--Lynchburg, VA 6--Sands Bethlehem Event Center--Bethlehem, PA 8--Rams Head Live--Baltimore, MD 9--The Dome at Oakdale--Wallingford, CT 11--Fete Music Hall--Providence, RI 12--The Rapids Theatre--Niagara Falls, NY 14--Wooly's Des--Moines, IA 15--Pop's NightClub & Concert Venue--Sauget, IL 16--Piere's Entertainment Center--Fort Wayne, IN 18--MAPFRE Stadium--Columbus, OH 19--Manchester Music Hall--Lexington, KY 20--Gillioz Theatre--Springfield, MO 22--Concrete Street Amphitheater--Corpus Christi, TX 23--White Oak Music Hall--Houston, TX 24--Bomb Factory--Dallas, TX 25--iHeartMedia Metroplex--Little Rock, AR 26—Rocklahoma--Pryor, OK June 2--Kansas Speedway--Kansas City, MO 15--BA217--Paris, France 16—Melkweg--Amsterdam, Netherlands 18--Kulturzentrum Schlachthof--Wiesbaden, Germany 19--Zona Roveri Music Factory--Bologna, Italy 20--Magazzini Generali--Milan, Italy 22—Eichenring--Scheessel, Germany 22--Take-Off Park--Neuhausen Ob Eck, Germany 23—Stenehei--Dessel, Belgium 24--Take-Off Park--Neuhausen Ob Eck, Germany 24—Eichenring--Scheessel, Germany 26--Dürer Kert--Budapest, Hungary 28--Panenský Týnec--Prague, Czech Republic 29--Caja Magica--Madrid, Spain 30--Agrobaan 15--Ysselsteyn, Netherlands July 12--Country Fest--Cadott, WI 13—Oshkosh--Oshkosh, WI 14--Country Fest--Cadott, WI 16--KeyBank Pavilion--Burgettstown, PA 17--Budweiser Stage--Toronto, Canada 18--Blossom Music Center--Cuyahoga Falls, OH 28--Parc Jean-Drapeau--Montréal, Canada 29--Darling's Waterfront Pavilion--Bangor, ME August 24--Little John's Farm--Reading, United Kingdom 25--Bramham Park--Leeds, United Kingdom