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moonbelt · 6 years ago

Text

»crush on you

↳ best-friends to lovers au

pairing » jeon jungkook | reader

genre » soft angst + fluff + sexual themes

word count » 9.465

» maybe falling in love with your best friend wasn’t the greatest idea you’ve ever had and that’s perfectly fine. the only problem here is that he’s dating someone else. someone who, by all physical and emotional analyses, is not you.

authors note » uh, the rumors are true. im in love with best friends secretly pining over eachother aus

From the get-go, you always knew you were fucked. It would've been hard not to realize that. Not when you've been attached to him by the hip for the majority of all your life. In fact, you were set on the course of being his best friend years before either of you were born. It was just one of those things you had no control over. Try as you might — although you didn't really try, more like attempted, to sever your bond with him, fate had bigger plans.

It seems that in your life, there are always things you can't control playing a bigger role than you would like them to. You guess the same goes for everyone else, but the point still stands.

You see, everyone has that one person. That particular person that you'll divide the earth for if given the strength and situation. The only problem with you is that your person isn't supposed to be your person. And no matter how hard you ingrain it in your head, it never seems to stick. He calls at three in the morning and your ass is driving all the way over to comfort his heartbroken-self. You guess that's where your problem lies. Your incapability to stop your feelings from deterring from best-friend into lover territory.

Anyways, there are always bigger things at work. Things you can't control or understand. Things like your friend, Joni, getting dumped for the third time this year. Joni had called; crying, burping, all the works and you'd been blindsided on how to console her.

By now you should be used to heartbreaks. Really, you should. But it's hard to mourn for a relationship that never quite started. And that's exactly how your crush on Jungkook feels like. It's a just a stupid, stupid, stupid crush that you need to get over. The same way Joni gets over her exes within a two-week time period. You need that type of resilience. No, you crave it. But it always seems to escape your grasp. No matter how hard you try to find it.

You're not really the best candidate to console your friend and maybe Jungkook knows this, the same way he seems to know everything about you, because he suggests the two of you attend some friend of a friend's house party. It didn't take up to a second for Joni to agree. And wherever Joni goes, you follow. It's a weird dynamic the three of you have going on. But it works and that's all that matters anyway.

So, that's how you ended up sandwiched between Joni, and some other dude you couldn't be bothered about, playing drunk truth or dare. And maybe it's the alcohol that's making you weirdly masochistic, but you can't seem to keep your eyes of Jungkook and his new girlfriend, Yuan. Usually, you'll do everything in your power to prevent your eyes from seeing him and his partner together, but you don't have a choice in this situation. Not with him positioned strategically in front of you in the miniature circle. Sitting on one of the few sofas, one hand poised around Yuan's waist and the other holding a solo cup.

It's ugly; this feeling of jealousy crawling up your lungs. But you can't help it. You take one long look at your own red solo cup and after a few seconds of deliberation, you down it all in one go. Fuck it. What does it matter anyway?

"Do you want to talk about it?" You turn your attention to Joni. You realize that this isn't exactly the most ideal place to have this conversation, but you desperately need something to get your mind off Jungkook. And besides, the whole point of this party was too comfort Joni.

It takes a minute, maybe two, for Joni to look up at you. She's been chugging drinks from the keg like it's water, but she doesn't look as tipsy as she ought to be. Joni shrugs, her smooth black hair falling down her shoulders in a mess.

"He sent me a text message, you know. Saying that it's not you, it's me. I'm so sorry but I think we have to break up bullshit." Joni mutters darkly, sloshing the liquid in her cup a little before pressing on. "He said he thinks we should break up? I was thinking of wringing his neck and feeding it to his pet Bulldog for dinner."

You don't think Joni cares if anyone around the two of you hears her words. In fact, if you didn't know any better you'd think she wants them to hear. Wants the gossip to reach Henri's ears, by all means, necessary so he can know that she doesn't give a fuck, even if she kind of does.

"It's going to be alright, Jo," you manage to say.

"I guess... He didn't even tell me why." Her voice comes out low and uncharacteristically soft and it strikes a chord inside of you.

What if you tell Jungkook how you feel, and he doesn't feel the same way at all? What if there's no reason as to why he doesn't see you as anything more than a best friend? He doesn't owe you an explanation, you know that. God, you've mulled over this for times on end, but no matter how you view it; you think it would hurt you regardless. Nothing wrong on his part, obviously. Everything falls on you. No one asked you to climb up that emotional ladder, you did that all on your own and now you're having a hard time coming down.

From the side of your eye, you watch as Joni throws back the remaining contents of her concocted drink down her throat, coughing up lightly as an aftermath.

"You've gotta slow down, Jo," you shoot her small smile.

She sends you a dark look and you promptly shut up, not knowing what else to say. Of course, this isn't Joni's first breakup or your first consolation attempt. However, no matter how many times it happens, you never know what to say to help her.

"I just," her voice falls flat. "I just thought that we were okay; that everything was fine."

You don't say anything, just observe as Jo hunches her shoulders deeper into herself and places her head in her hands. "I don't know if I fucked up, or maybe it was him. I just don't—"

"Hey," you nudge a little bit closer to her side. "It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter who fucked up. If he couldn't work it out with you, then it doesn't concern you anymore."

Joni lets a few tears slip past but doesn't make any sound other than the laughter she allows escape her lips. "You still suck at consolidations," she so expertly points out.

You shrug, chuckling along with her. "Yeah, well. I do my best."

You sit in silence for god knows how many more minutes. You wonder if anyone around you is paying the two of you any attention. Apart from the occasional glance from Jungkook, no one really has given either of you the light of day. You're sort of grateful for that. But then the bottle is landing neon-blazing on Jungkook and most people are hooting. And then you're suddenly more interested in the game than you've been all night.

Taehyung is clapping his hands maniacally. Everyone knows Jungkook never picks truth, always dare. And you can tell from the crazy glint in Tae's eyes that he has some shit up his sleeve. And Jungkook would do it. Hard liquor has a great improvement on his already highly competitive streak; again, another fact that your nimble set of friends all know too well.

"Okay, okay, this is an easy one," Taehyung starts. "I dare you to striptease and lap dance Yuan. You can't say no."

Maybe if you were humanly capable of doing so, your eyes would fall off from their sockets. But they can't do that. So, you're left with your eyes widening so far apart that they must appear to be somewhat comical to the nearby onlooker. Fuck Taehyung for even suggesting it. And fuck yourself for being so affected by something that has nothing to do with you.

Joni pokes you in the ribs with her elbow. "Bet you wish you were dating him now."

For the first time in a long time, you regret letting her know of your not-so-subtle crush on your best friend. But really, who are you kidding? Anyone with eyes could probably dissect your feelings for the brown-haired boy within a one-mile radius. Everyone apart from Jungkook that is. Because although he's not dumb, he's not the best at catching hints. Not that you're throwing any. You can't set yourself up for that type of heartbreak.

For someone who has had her heart broken more times than your feet and fingers added together, Joni sure doesn't act like it. She's always like, "c'mon, [y/n]. Get a boyfriend, let's wail around together in sorrow."

You stare at Jungkook apprehensively, a little part of your heart caving in. "Yeah, like that's happening any time soon."

Not to be self-degrading or anything like that but, you're not the type of girl that boys dated. Apparently, you are the type that boys best-friended. And Jeon Jungkook is proof of that.

He's grinning now, not at you, but at Yuan. Not the type of smirks he gives you, no of course not. The one he has beautifying his face is confident and sexy and purely reserved for the people he dates or smashes, not his friends. You would know that. You are happy for him though, truly you are, you swear on it. And if anyone ever told him otherwise, you'll deny, deny and deny it to your grave. That kind of embarrassment has no place in your memory bank.

"Hey, do you need another refill?" You all but jump to ask Joni.

But she knows what you're doing and maybe by some grace from above, she follows through with your plan. "Guess I do now."

You rise up from your position in the corner and all but run out of that living room. You'd rather decay on the spot than witness what's about to go down in that room.

Okay, maybe you're being a tad bit overdramatic but that's to be expected. How the fuck are you supposed to watch him strip out of his navy-blue tee shirt — the one you've always liked — and release his God-chiseled body unto the world? Christ, even if you had absolutely no feelings for him, you'd still be affected. Bodies like his could do that to a person. And if you were any other person, you'd be sporting a glowering nosebleed to match. But you're having a righteous battle with your morals and the only blood you spill is the one from ferociously biting your lower lip.

Against your will and better judgment, the tips of your ears heat up the more you think about it. Shit, stop! You yell at yourself. But your mind has a way of spinning out of control before you can even begin to reign it in. And now you're imagining him bare-chested, lowering himself on you as he proceeds to give a lap dance. But then your imaginative process is stopped by the visage of Yuan being on the receiving end of this act. Fuck, what are you even doing? Day-dreaming about your best friend? Pathetic, honestly.

You sigh to yourself as you finally reach one of the keg stations placed in the kitchen, grabbing two cups and sloppily filling them up to the brim. You take one large gulp out of yours, hoping that your drunken self can get through this night unscathed. Maybe when this party is over you'll be able to sleep away all your emotions. A naïve standpoint, but at this point what else can go wrong?

You head back to the cluster of people who are now clapping uncoordinatedly and egging Jungkook on. You thought he would be finished by now but oh boy, does he take his time. One arm is strategically placed behind his girlfriend's head while his body sensuously grinds across her seated form. His waist is moving at sensual paces you never even knew existed out of the confines of your private collection.

Fucking fuck shit. With his shirt off you can see every taut muscle and ridge of his torso as they move and lock into place. Your brain malfunctions for another ungodly moment and your memory goes back to a time when you and him used to lay flat on his bed as you whispered about secret promises of your future. And how he had vowed to be the best at anything, as long as it was something he wanted. For some reason, you feel like you're impeding on this moment. But it's so... what's the word? Sexy? No, it's more than that. It's like he's showing these boys how it's fucking done.

Your cheeks are one degree away from heating off to the death. And you swear, you can hear how loud your heart is beating; it's too loud. You can bet on your life that everyone, in this suddenly too small room, can hear it too. Luckily for you, or maybe not since a part of you still wants to watch him continue his expertise, he comes to a stop by connecting his lips to Yuan's. That's it. The show's over [y/n], you can look away now.

Handing the drink in Joni's general direction, you hope she'll realize that you're too tongue-tied to talk at the moment. Your brain needs some minutes to clear and think about other things that do not relate to fuck, smash or grind. Think about the cats! Yes, you should think about cute cats and nothing about the boy in front of you who has now pulled his shirt back on again. Crazy how when you decide to stop thinking about him, your mind begins to function on overdrive.

You push yourself down to retake your seat in the circle, praying that no one calls you out on your sudden quietness. But as always — especially with these type of things, someone does.

Taehyung, master of parties and a friend who really never knows when to not engage. "[y/n]! You haven't been asked to do anything, have you?"

No, you haven't. "What? Really?" You feign ignorance. There's no fucking way you're going on after Jungkook. That's like going after Beyoncé at an awards show — suicide.

"Yep," Tae's all smiles. In any other situation, you'd smile along with him, but now? Not so much. You have the uncanny urge to push him into an empty well, just so he can cry for your help to get him out. "I nominate [y/n] for the next round. Who agrees?"

You'd have to be hard-of-sight or just plain dumb to disagree with Taehyung — most of the time — and at his party no less. Several hands rise up, including Joni's. You shoot her an incredulous look.

"How dare you?"

"What? Maybe they'll dare you to kiss someone or something. God knows your lips are gonna crack into ash at this rate."

That is so not true. You can vouch for it, but you don't have the opportunity or time to fight Joni on it. Because Taehyung is grinning at you, knowing he has won and for it's worth, you're not going to back down now. Not in front of everyone like some coward. You bite your tongue as you raise your eyebrow at him; hit me with your worst shot, you seem to say. Even if all you want to do is crawl into a hole and sleep for eternity.

"Truth or dare?"

"Truth." You answer because that's your safest bet with Taehyung.

He spins the bottle and your heart drops ten feet into your chest when it lands on Yoongi, a senior you deem too cool to hang out with, even if he is one of Jungkook's closest friends. You just always end up feeling too self-conscious when you're around him. Like one small move and you'll embarrass yourself to your grave. You tried to follow him on Twitter once, but his posts were too stark a difference from your shit-posting idiosyncrasies so, you refrained. And now you don't know how you'll live down humiliating yourself in front of one of the Music departments gifted prodigies.

Yoongi looks disinterested in this whole game, as he should. What band of college students still plays middle school shit like this? But he runs a hand through his hair, looking up from his watch to land on you. Nervously, you bite your lower lip. Maybe he'll ask you a simple question like who's the person you like or something.

Okay, wait, hold on. Back the fu—

"So, who do you like?"

You know that particular feeling you get when you slam your knee on the edge of a corner? That's... that's what this is. It's like putting your foot in your mouth and forcing yourself to do something about it. You can't believe you're in this stupid predicament. Simple? What, in the name of all that is good, is simple about this? Joni wrings her fingers together nervously as you try to steel your heartbeat. You don't have the liberty of fucking up here.

Looking around, you see that everyone is staring directly at you. Even though you skipped over Jungkook, you can feel his eyes penetrating through you. Shit, you've never been the most excellent liar. Save for the occasional omission here and there. But you know Jungkook would know if you're lying. He knows your ticks. You swallow through the lump in your chest and attempt to laugh this situation off.

"Aw, c'mon, you know there's no one."

Yoongi peaks up an eyebrow at your statement. "Oh, really?" His eyes dart ever so slightly to Jungkook's direction and you panic. You're not sure if its willingly or not, but your heart picks up so fast to a rate you never thought could be possible.

You can't throw yourself under the bus right in front of his girlfriend. What kind of friend does that? That's the height of assholery and you would never stoop down that low. But by the looks on Yoongi and Taehyung's face, you know they're not going to let this fade. Taehyung lives for drama. Yoongi, you're not sure, but he must be able to tell that there's something you're hiding.

You're painstakingly avoiding Jungkook's gaze. Maybe if he doesn't look into your eyes he wouldn't be able to tell you're lying. You do your best to subtly shake your head, so your hair falls like a barricade between the two of you.

"I mean, there is someone, but they go to a different school, you won't know them."

"What, really?" The voice to say this is heart-shattering familiar because it belongs to him. Before you can stop yourself, you're raising your head up and staring deep into his eyes. He looks rightfully confused. "None of us know them? Even me?"

Especially you. "Yeah, well, we met on Tinder," you mutter, pulling your focus from him and instead, find a savior in the half-full cup in your hand.

That seems to do it, and everyone lets you slide but you feel his eyes still lingering on you. Of course, he knows something is up. Maybe this party was a bad idea from the start. You could've been alone in your room, eating pizza for dinner and binge-watching Netflix all the while sending the occasional text to Jungkook. You don't like hanging out with him when he has a girlfriend on his arm. It's weird and more often than not, they scream bloody murder when they find out you and Jungkook have been friends since you were in diapers.

Yeah, not all his girlfriend's act like this, there have been a few that didn't really care either way. But you don't blame those that feel wary at all. Not when the feelings bubbling in your chest are anything but simply platonic. The only person on this goddamn earth that can't decipher your intentions is him. His ex-partners could tell, and they gave him shit for it. But "[y/n]'s my best friend; we don't love each other like that," is a sentence you never knew you'd hear too many times in one lifetime. It's a phrase you didn't realize you could despise with so much contempt.

You're thrown back to one time in fifth grade when the first beginnings of this cruise of crushing on Jungkook had begun. You'd just agreed to follow him to the swamp at the back of his house, which he had conveniently named 'G.U.K Swamp.' It had been a stupid decision on your part to tag along with him, but at that time you would have done anything to be within a five-meter radius of Jungkook. Granted at this point in life, you'd still be willing to do the same.

"So, we go in and then we come out. It's easy peasy, [y/n]," a younger Jungkook chanted to relieve the edging nerves on your back. You'd been one second away from backing away from this whole ordeal.

Jungkook is a tadpole species collector. Unlike most of the boys in town, he never really grew out of it. He hit puberty—became the most good-looking, strongly built yet a somewhat soft-spoken boy in your entire town—but still collected tadpoles. However, for his benefit, and maybe yours? You'd like to expatiate on the fact that this was in the fifth grade. He had not hit puberty yet.

"It's green, Kook," you painfully observed. "And I'm wearing white shorts. You told me we were going fly-catching."

Because fly-catching is a thing in your town, population; five thousand and a half. And to be honest, you personally preferred fly-catching to chasing tadpoles. Maybe that should've been a sign that Jungkook and you were not meant to be because now he collects tadpoles with the help of his girlfriends. Although, more than half the time they go together, they just end up snogging each other's faces off.

Jungkook grinned slyly at you. "Hey, hey. A person is allowed to change his mind. Also, I've never shown you what I want to do for a living, best friend."

That should've been another sign from heaven that you may never be able to fully immerse yourself out of the confines of the best friend role. But what did silly young you do?

"Well, carry on, best friend."

You sealed your own grave right there. Sometimes you wish you didn't do it but then again, maybe fate was trying to tell you that being a best friend was all you could ever get. You've never complained aloud though, it wasn't like being his best friend was a bad thing. He is bone-splitting funny, he listens, he likes to hang out with you, he lets you win in Mario Kart when he's in particularly generous moods, he rarely — if ever — judges people. So, if being a best friend was the kind of love you got — you decided you would be the best best-friend he could ever have.

But that is a whole different take on your current situation. That was back then when all your diagnosis had been was a couple of heart spazzes here and there, or that fake marriage the two of you conducted that your parents never let you live down. Now, your prognosis has escalated. One long, smoldering look from him and your insides have been reduced to something akin to dust. According to WebMD's symptom tracker, you're one look away from a sizzling death.

Okay but seriously, there'd always been something about Jungkook that dragged you in. His soft laughs, his loud ones, the little crinkle at the edges of his eyes when he guffaws so hard you think he might die. His consideration, his knack for always seeming to know what the heck is up with you even when sometimes you don't know yourself. He'd always been such a constant in your life that it quite literally shakes you off your axis now that you realize that you might never ever be together.

Ah, you should stop thinking about this before you blow a major blood vessel. You should be content and stop reaching for things that are clearly out of your grasp. You should at least know your own limits and when to quit.

You spend the rest of the night on the bridge between sulking and scowling, suddenly pissed off by these turn of events. Maybe it's time to head home. The more time you spend in Jungkook's presence, the more you're reminded of the things you can't have. And the problem is that you're not even angry at the ridiculousness of your situation. You're angry at yourself.

You know better than to fall in love with a best friend. You've read the stories, watched the movies. Christ, Joni had her heart crushed by her own best friend. You knew all of this and yet that did nothing to stop you. It's not like Jungkook sent you explicit signals either. Everything is always so natural with him. It flows within your interactions like fire, but you seem to be the only one reading it that way. Fuck, now you're re-envisioning his smile. Really, his smile ought to be framed and put away somewhere for bad days. But the problem you see with that is it would do him a great injustice. He isn't someone you could ever hide. If you have him, you'll show him to everyone.

His goodnight and good morning texts, his occasional habit of coercing you into hanging out three hours at an arcade, his ability to elevate you from your darkest of moods. He's way better at consoling you than you are at consoling Joni. You wish he could console you on this though. But how in the heck is he supposed to do that when he doesn't even know how crushing it is to see him with person after person? It's not like you go around broadcasting your love life or lack thereof. Christ, maybe you should get laid. Yeah, let's blame all these growing emotions on your libido.

You take the final sip from your drink before discarding the empty cup somewhere on the floor. You need to get out of this house before you do something you'd regret when you're sober. Your eyes scan the room and land on Jungkook's. He's staring at you intently when a stupid thought fleets through your head. What would happen if I walked up there and crashed my lips on his? But then your gaze pushes past him to Yuan and you come back to your senses. You have a better class than this, you'd like to think. You can't jeopardize your best friend's happiness because of your selfish reasons. You grunt, standing up from your crouched position.

If you were a little bit below the bar of worst-best-friend-ever, you'd be wishing for Yuan and Jungkook to break up already. But Jungkook really cares about her. They've been dating for... two weeks! You're not counting, of course not, but you pay more attention to him than you like to admit.

"I think I'm going to head home," you finally say when you find Joni pressed up against some girl you can't remember. "You good?" You don't want to be a block to her sexual advances but at the same time, you don't want to leave her alone unless she says so.

She waves your concerns away, offering you an intoxicated smile. "I'm fine, thanks for asking. Maybe you can get Jungkook to take you home?"

You give an uncommitted sound to her suggestion. You can't possibly ask him that. Best friend or not, he came to this party with his girlfriend. What kind of fool would disrupt that? You know your limits; however low they may be.

Pushing yourself through the crowd, you don't expect to come face to face with the one person you least anticipate. Jungkook swallows the front of the door, shoulders wide and eyes clear with purpose. You can tell that he has finally figured something is up. And although your luck is batshit whack, you pray that he doesn't ask you anything too serious. You don't have the skills or energy to continue this farce of not being hopelessly and infallibly in love with him. Frankly, it's a tiring game and you're not sure why you keep playing.

If you had the body for it, you'd push past him and mutter to yourself all the way home. But you don't. And your heart gets significantly weaker when you're around him. He could ask you for anything within — and sometimes above — reason and you'd follow him like the sometimes-dumb fool you are. You clear your throat as you brace your arms around your chest, using them as some kind of anchor to reality. Jungkook and his gentle, dark eyes can make you want anything. But you're not supposed to want more than what you already have. You should be content and happy with your place in the world, but you are not. And here folks is your modern-day dilemma.

"You're avoiding me," he doesn't ask.

"No, I'm not." Even you don't quite believe yourself.

He scoffs, a somewhat incredulous noise escaping his throat as he rolls his eyes a little. "You're a terrible liar, [y/n]."

And maybe you're also a terrible person because your heart shouldn't stop and palpitate at your name falling from his lips. This isn't the first time he's said your name, so why? Why must you fall in so deep that his voice has become a one-way ticket trip to mind-blubbering madness? Where in the world did you go so wrong? Now you can't even stand within one centimeter of him without feeling his body heat in places you never knew you could feel to that degree. Words? You don't know her. You seem to magically transform into an incoherent fool every time you come in contact with him these days.

You clear your throat, desperately trying to change the subject to something — anything — else. "Don't you have to be with someone else?" You force on an air of nonchalance, hoping your one semester of theater finally pays off.

Jungkook shrugs. "Yuan drove here."

Guess that explains it. Yuan lives on the other side of town unlike Jungkook and you who live about fifteen minutes away from where the party is being held at. A blessing for you because all you want to do now is crash on your bed and forget this night ever happened. Burn away the memories of Jungkook and Yuan as drunken hallucinations.

"Oh."

"Want me to walk you home?"

Against your better judgment, you agree. "Sure."

You and Jungkook haven't hung out close like this in weeks. He gets a partner and you make the conscious decision to alter your activities. You can't deal with extra drama this semester and besides, you thought the distance would be able to sever your feelings in half. You can confidently say that your actions were pure bullshit. Remove your feelings? You laugh to yourself. If only things were that easy.

Once the two of you are outside, you refrain from slipping your hands into his. Long ago (possibly not, maybe you're just being overdramatic) you used to be able to hold hands with him without overthinking it. Or maybe it was because everything was so platonic back then and now you can't hold his hands without smiling like an idiot. You also don't want to paint your best friend as a cheater. For the longest time, your actions along with his pushed off the implication that the two of you were dating. And before it never particularly bothered you. But then he gets into relationships and well...

"So," Jungkook is the one to break the silence. "This person of yours, how much do you like them?"

You raise your eyebrows jokingly. "What? Jealous?"

This is what the masses call burning yourself alive, isn't it? You wish you had a filter when it comes to these things but you're still learning the ins and outs of pretending not be that invested in someone and most importantly, not letting it show.

"More like confused as to why you didn't tell me at first. You've seriously been avoiding me, huh?"

Little by little, it hits you how awkward this situation must have been for him. Someone you're so close to suddenly pulling off all contact. Usually, you'll at least text him about your whereabouts without ever meeting up with him physically. But he and Yuan felt different... and it hurt you too much to watch them do all the things you wished you could do. It also didn't help that you set yourself on the path to erasing these emotions in your chest, however unachieved it may be.

You turn to look at him now. Fuck, why does it always look like the sun is swimming in his eyes? Like you could bathe in all its entirety and still never get tired of it. You've always liked his eyes the most. Always expressive. He's never been good at concealing his feelings and when he tries to, his eyes always give him away. You smile at that. You've always thought that to be oddly endearing.

"I've... just been realizing things, I guess," you offer a reply meekly, not sure what to say but a hundred percent certain you can't scream, "I am in fucking love with you," in his face.

"Can I help?"

"Yeah, stop being so cute. I might fall deeper in love with you."

For a second the two of you are slowed in time. If your heart wasn't overthrowing every other organ in your body, you would have thought you were frozen. But shit, you can feel the multitude of sweat that has now lined up on your brows and the impending heart attack about to collide with your chest.

fuckdamnshit.

I-is it possible to reverse in time and stop your mouth from vomiting those godforsaken words? Jesus, you must be drunker than you thought. This isn't right at all. This isn't how you saw yourself confessing... if you ever confessed that is. You were supposed to wait for a better time. Maybe in the confines of your room, or better yet in the local park. Anywhere than the street of misfortune that led to Taehyung's house.

You're too scared to look up into the eyes that can you feel burning into the crown of your head. Maybe if you hold your breath long enough, you'll become one with air? You remember back in eighth grade, you and Jungkook had a competition to decide who can last the longest without gasping for air in the pool. You lasted approximately three seconds if your memory serves correctly. Maybe if —

"[y/n], w-would you look at me, please?"

Perhaps it's because of the sympathetic nature of his words or the little crack at the end of his voice that forces you to tilt your head up in his direction. But nothing prepares you for the painted look stricken across his face. You're fumbling to undo the damage you've caused. No, no, no, you can't — don't want to — ruin this relationship.

Yes, you love him, but you'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. Just a touch of his love is enough, you don't need that much, you swear on it. You just need to get your feelings realigned again. You can revert back to a state of platonic love. It's possible, isn't it? You're not hopeless —

"I — you know me," your voice comes out foreign, faking it is too hard this time. "I was just joking. It's nothing serious, I swear. I love you... obviously, you're my best friend, Kook. It's definitely not like what you're thinking. I wouldn't — not when you're dating Yuan and I didn't mean to —"

The only thing capable of stopping you from blabbering your whole juggled thoughts away is the tears you didn't realize to be cascading down your face like you're a damned waterfall for hire. You can't do this. Jungkook is never going to speak to you again. He didn't sign up for this. He has the girlfriend of his dreams, for crying sake. You were gunning to be the person that says the most embarrassing speech at his wedding. Now... now you're not even sure anything with him is still in the cards.

Deep, ugly, sobs wreak through your body and you're about ready to collapse on the asphalt pavement like the overdramatic person you are, when two strong arms reach forward and hold you up. Maybe it's possible to cry yourself to death? Is that a thing? You make a mental note to Google that once you get home and are no longer on the verge of becoming a howling statistic.

Imagine the headline:

LOCAL CITIZEN CRIES TO DEATH OVER A BROKEN HEART THAT HAD NO BUSINESS BEING BROKEN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

You'd be the talk of the town for years to come, finally get that famous break you religiously wanted back in high school. Jungkook had always been the popular one of your half-and-half duo. He'll probably be remembered till his own death as the one who caused great pain to the community on a humid night in the middle of September by unknowingly shattering his best friend's heart. Poor —

"[y/n]?" It's the urgency in which your name is spoken in that shakes you out of your self-induced trance. "Are you alright?"

"No, not really." Your sobs have quieted down to miniature sniffling and suddenly you're embarrassed by your prior meltdown. Maybe you should've waited till you got home.

"Did you hear anything that I just said then?"

"Do I look like I was capable of doing that?"

You know you look like shit. Crying always has the power to aggravate the skin around your eyes and cheeks, that's why you tend to steer away from it. But this confrontation shook you in ways you've never known. Jungkook doesn't voice that your appearance is absolutely horrible. Instead, a lithe smile makes its way onto his face from your jab.

There's this urge to cry again. Just to let it all out at this point. But you take the fact that Jungkook hasn't run off on you as a good sign. Maybe he wants to give you space to get your head above water. Because you're sure he would never feel the same way about you. You've never even danced with the thought of him reciprocating your feelings. Him and you, although two halves of a coin, are not as compatible as you thought. You are nothing like the people he dates and that's your scientific discovery of the year.

His smile does something to relieve the vice around your chest. "I think you have something wrong and it's all my fault."

You cock your head to the side, your body senses heightened to the feeling of his hands still helping you stand up, clasped around your forearms. "And what's that?"

"It's about Yuan."

"And?"

"Well, uh, she isn't my girlfriend per se," he detonates the weapon directly into your chest. "We were, um, fake dating."

You shouldn't, by any standards, feel this elated by his words. You should be mad, absolutely furious. How could he lie to you about something so important, or what you thought was important to him? You should be angry that you spent the last weeks, months, fuck — years, running circles in your mind and he was fake dating? A ruse? But for what? Jungkook can get anyone he ever set his eyes on.

One look from him and all the underwear is coming off. You'd never been on the receiving end, but one whisper from him in the middle of the dark in a crowded club could make you want to go to church and confess all your sins since the tenth grade. One smile from him and your heart could — hypothetically of course, or maybe not, you haven't tested it — nut.

You gnash your lower lip as you take a step back from him and give him an obvious once-over. "But why would you do that?"

"It's a stupid and childish reason and I'm suddenly very embarrassed to say this out loud," he shuts his eyes for a moment and you imagine his insides churning in disgust maybe.

"Come forward and spit it out. Nothing is more humiliating than mistakenly confessing to the love of your life when they so obviously don't love you the same way back."

It's the alcohol, you decide, that is to blame for these turn of events. Nothing less, nothing more. If you hadn't gotten stupendously plastered this night, you wouldn't be in this situation. The both of you would have lived your lives in relative peace. But there's a tiny — teeny tiny, part of you that's grateful for this liquid courage. What better time to get your heart broken than the present?

Jungkook blinks for what seems like hours. "What do you mean by doesn't love you back?"

You cast your eyes to the ground, all previous confidence ebbing away. "You know..."

"I thought the person I liked didn't like me back. So, I made a deal with this girl from my History class to be my pretend girlfriend for jealousy."

Your mouth drops down in shock. This was just like one of those movies Jungkook used to force you to watch when you were teenagers. Horrible rom-coms that always had two blindly-in-love characters never realize they were meant to be until the last possible second. You sigh inwardly to yourself. The person that Jungkook was trying to impress is some lucky son-of-a-gun. They at least get to have him in their arms while you get... what you get, you're not sure of at the moment. But this can't be a complete loss. Maybe the stars would rearrange themselves and bring someone specially made for you into your life. Just not now perhaps.

"What about the other girls? Ashleigh, Haru, I don't remember the rest?"

He snickers at you. "One-night stands are hardly categorified as girlfriends, princess."

Princess. Fuck, he hasn't called you that since... he hasn't called you that in a whole damn year. One of his exes (well, now you're not sure) had gotten positively mad when she'd heard him use the term of endearment on someone that wasn't her. She'd thrown a whole rant about how it was stupid and lame to call someone you weren't dating "princess," and after a while, he stopped using it. You never thought a nickname, a common one no less, would be able to squeeze your heart the way this does.

"So, what about all that kissing? And the lap dance? And the way you were looking at them? Just to make this person jealous?"

Jungkook shrugs. "I wasn't sure they saw me the same way. You see, they never acted like it."

"Are you stupid? Someone would have to be ridiculously inept to not see how much a great person you are and fall in love with you anyways."

"So, are you?" He breathes out.

"What?"

You peer up at him, and for a moment neither of you say anything. In the middle of this damn street, you experience something akin to an intervention. You don't hear a sound, not a thing except the blood rushing to your head. Something happens inside you that you can't put into words properly. Maybe it's the condensed forms of magic that light up the dark night that give you some kind of armor, but the situation doesn't look as dire as before.

Jungkook visibly gulps as he finally, against your innermost wishes, let's go of your arms. "In love with me?"

"Does it matter? You're in love with someone else, aren't you? It might not be Yuan but it's not me either."

You can't identify the look stirring beneath his eyes but is that... anger? Why is he angry? He has no reason to be, at least you don't think so. But this is closure you needed. It would be easier to let go of him now —

"Of course, you would think that."

Defensive, you furrow your eyebrows. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that it's always been you," he says. "It's never been anyone else. Sure, you're always wrapped in your own head and don't really pay attention to things that don't interest you, but you've always been with me. Asking you out in eleventh grade had to be the single most trying time of my life, but you turned me down and I thought oh—"

"You asked me out as a joke!" You cry out, eyes widening at the memory.

Jungkook had come back from soccer practice and found you holed in his room working on the death-defying amount of homework you had. The two of you were ten feet deep into the woes of Advanced Government when he sprouted the question: "hey, what if we date?"

Your heart may have stopped pumping for a few seconds, but you managed to slip out, "we'll be the best duo ever."

"Right? Jimin keeps saying I should just ask you out already, but that would be weird, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, totally. What kind of best friends date each other?"

A few tensed beats passed. "So, pretend this never happened?"

It took you a second. "What were we even talking about?" Yeah, maybe you deserve an icon award for best best-friend ever because this was the sole moment your ability was tested.

But that was his attempt at asking you out? What kind of hypothetical bullshit was that? He knows you can't decipher hints unless it's written in bold neon signs in front of your eyes. You thought Jungkook was hopeless when it came to catching your hints but maybe neither of you were any good at throwing them anyway.

Jungkook's groan brings you straight back to the present, he runs a hand through his already windswept hair. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"And possibly get rejected? Do you know me at all?"

"So, you'd actually date me? I always thought you deserved better than me. Not that anyone you ever dated was any good, you always had something to say about them."

You shrug, licking your lower lip. "They weren't you."

In a blur of moments, Jungkook maneuvers closer to your body, your chest pressing impossibly against his. Everything feels oh' so beautiful and overwhelming and content and you don't know why but inside of you, you are made aware that this is it. This is the end goal. This thing that's exploding around and encompassing the two of you is something you would die for. A few seconds ago, you thought you would be able to let go. Now, you realize, you're not that strong a person to let go of one of the best things to ever happen to you. One of the few people in this world that make it known to you how much you matter.

Jungkook's face full on has a blossoming reddish color overtaking it, it's cute. "You shouldn't say stuff like that. I might fall deeper in love with you."

Oh, throwing your own words at you. Great, at least things are somewhat back to normal... maybe? But now you have this uncanny urge to push up and crash your lips against his. Find out finally if his lips really are as soft as they look when they're not cursing you out for winning the one particular car game at the local arcade place.

"What if I want you to keep falling in love with me?"

"You're gonna have to ask me out first, princess. I'm not that easy."

You snort, your body moving to the side. "What, you want me to go one knee like I did when we were kids?"

The little blush on his cheeks has since receded to make camp on his ears and the confident glint has returned back to his eyes. He smirks at you and you feel it; the concrete difference. This isn't the same kind of smile he gives his dates, or even the one he had reserved just for you. This is starkly more. You guess to the mundane eye it wouldn't really be much of a difference. But it's there. In the softness of his features and the velvety dance in his eyes. It's for you.

"I mean, you said it."

You huff out a breath, hoping to the gods above that your voice doesn't fail you now. Biting the inside of your cheek, you square down on one knee and close your eyes for a second. You hear a few hoots from random kids on the street and if you cared any less you would've told them to mind their own damn business. But you're deathly focused on the important task at hand.

Clearing your throat, you begin. "Oh, my, who is this saucy, young beauty?" You cringe to the high heavens as you faithfully remember your ten-year-old-self using this quote from the Power Rangers Operation Overdrive TV series that you and Jungkook marathoned faithfully.

He laughs, an airy sound that builds your courage. "The name's Guk, and you're not fooling me with your phony, pirate charm. I know you're nothing but a common thief."

"A guk by any other name would be as sweet."

"See what I mean?" Jungkook's cheeks widen as so do yours. "You even steal from Shakespeare."

"Would you mind if I stole your heart as well?"

Do you hear that? That is the sound of your cardiac organ flying into overdrive. Please say yes, please say yes, pleasesayyes—

"And what would you do with it?"

You rise up from your bent position; your knee hurts a little and also, it's for effect! What would you do? Is he even ready to hear all the things you've had pent up in your heart just for him? Does he know what grave extents you'd be with him for? The decision was made long before either of you even knew each other's names. It's something that you know has been there since forever.

"Take care of it," you want to kiss him. Oh shit, you want to kiss him right now.

But Jungkook is dead set on dragging this whole ordeal out. "Why?"

You shrug, attempting to be blasé. "Not only am I the most qualified, you should know that, but I'm also the only one who knows what to do with it. Or at least, I think I do. I'll do my best, always."

He nods with a sly smile, his hair falling in waves over his eyes. "You wanna make out?"

You short-circuit. "W-what? Is that a yes? Did you seriously make me spew all that sentimental crap when you were already going—"

"I love you," he breaks through your tirade, moving closer and sifting his hand through the strands of hair framing your face to push locks of it behind your ear. "I really love you and I'm sorry for using someone to make you jealous. Although, I'm not sorry for hearing you forecast your feelings for me to everyone in the entire street—"

"Hey!" You raise your hand to push him by the stomach, but he deftly grabs your fingers within his, intertwining them together and using them as leverage to move your body inches from his. Face-to-face.

"I'm going to kiss you now. If you have nothing else to say, that is."

Shaking your head, you brace yourself for this moment. Finally. You don't particularly care who goes in first but then the impression of his lips touches yours and you feel it, that inexplicable thing. Like if you were to shrivel a comet and throw it into your blood, this would be how it would expand. Your mind is running a thousand seconds a minute as his hands find a haven behind the crook of your neck, deepening the kiss and entangling his tongue with yours.

This is so much greater than the ones of your dreams. His lips are softer than you had previously imagined, and they put all your fantasies to shame. There is nothing gentle about the way he pushes your back against the strength of one of the sparsely located telephone poles. It's a rush you can't identify but you want to feel it. Again, again and then some extra. Your hands weave a path into his hair, holding it for the life of you and he lets out a groan that ziplines straight through your body's core.

Christ, you should have done this ages ago. Whateverthefuck kind of logic had stopped you before? You're left a panting mess when he disconnects his mouth from yours for air. His breathing fans your cheek and it warms your body all over. The droopy smile making its way onto his face makes you feel giddy inside. He reaches down and nips the side of your neck, bruising it a little bit with his teeth.

"We could probably get fined for public indecency," you say.

He snorts into your skin. "One less thing on my bucket list."

"I'm not getting arrested until you give me three lap dances."

"Three? Jealous?"

You heave your shoulders, your hands wrapping themselves loosely around his neck. "Yes."

He smiles. "Honest. I like that."

Before you can reply something to that, some random person yells. "Get a room, idiots!" Successfully breaking the little bubble the two of you had closed yourselves in.

"Busted," Jungkook peels himself from your body, laughing. He moves to take a step back, but you reach forward and grab his hands with yours; interlacing it. Yeah, you might be more screwed than you thought because you don't ever want to let go.

You clear your throat, staring at your fingers. "Yours or mine?"

He squeezes your hand and arches an eyebrow. "If I said I was totally into exhibitionism, what would you say?"

"Well, I guess," you snicker as you decide to follow through with his gag. "I'll have two fewer things on my bucket list."

Jungkook laughs at that, a throaty sound that you promise yourself you'll record for rainy days. His house is nearer to where the two of you stand than yours. So, you already know that he's leading the way there when he slowly drags you into a lazy path alongside him. The two of you walk side-by-side for what seems like forever and your cheeks threaten to split under the pressure.

God, this is what you always wanted. Him and you and nothing else in-between. None of that avoiding the big elephant in the room crap. Now, you can show him to the whole world that he is yours. The feelings in your chest don't seem anything less than positive. Why were you stressing so much about something that was this easy?

You can see the mailbox of his house before Jungkook stops the both of you in your tracks. He looks like he's had a Eureka! moment.

"I love you," he says with a certain clarity that makes angel sing.

A few times in one lifetime, you find someone who can thoroughly flip your world upside down. Someone who you can tell things that you would have never deemed necessary to share with anybody else. And they listen and listen and genuinely want to listen again. With him, you share your worries about your futures, dreams that you're sure can't come true in this lifetime and things you would never admit to anyone but yourself.

The days when something fantastic happens, you can't wait to pour it all out to him. Because even if he doesn't particularly care about it, he will — without a doubt — share in your enthusiasm. Never does he trample on your emotions, willingly at least. Or make you feel insignificant like you somewhat aren’t good enough.

Memories of your childhood flood you back in time and you smile. Being with Jungkook has a way of demonstrating to you just how special you are.

"I love you too." Finally, you voice the words that have been burning an imprint on the back of your tongue and this time there's no blemish in your mind; this is right.

a/n » ahhhhh oh mygod, i hope people like this and tell me what they think :)) thank you so so much for reading!! and please do tell me if you liked this!

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