#finn n poe are a normal version of whatever those two have going on

[stealingpotatoes]

in the "DinLuke adopts Rey AU", if Finn ends up with Poe and Rey with Rose (such an élite pair) who does my boy Ben end up with? Hux? 👀

i honestly hadn't thought about it but yk what? yes. hux. ben can have his enemies to lovers arc w Hux while every one of his friends and family members scream "GET BETTER TASTE IN MEN STOP GOING FOR THAT GUY HE THINKS THE EMPEROR WASN'T A CRINGE RAISIN" but ben doesnt listen

[tlcwrites]

Fall to Pieces- Part 3

Poe Dameron x Reader, Modern AU

“Trauma is trauma. Some people aren’t affected by it and some people struggle with it their whole lives.” Using her finger to jab him in the chest, she emphasizes each word. “That. Doesn’t. Make. Anyone. Weak.”

Word Count: 5179

Tags/Warnings: Frank discussions about PTSD/destructive coping mechanisms, explicit description of a panic attack, and brief implications of suicidal ideations. Angst. Y'all probably know that by now. Finally crawling out of the angst hole. Miss Patty is a BAMF. Finn and Poe Finn-and-Poe-ing. Probably a lot of typos because I had my husband proofread this and he is a wonderful husband but a terrible editor.

Author’s Note: This chapter includes frank discussions about PTSD/destructive coping mechanisms, explicit description of a panic attack, and brief implications of suicidal ideations. Please take care and do not proceed if any of those subjects are triggers for you. Also, please send me a message if you're not able to read because of those topics, and I'd be happy to send you either a chapter summary or a version of this chapter with those sections omitted. I wanted to have this out weeks ago, but I ended up rewriting it I'm not exaggerating four times because I couldn't get it to feel right. I love this final product, and I hope you do, too. And yes, my goddess Octavia Spencer is my face claim for Miss Patty. Thank you to @paper-n-ashes for the beta and for patiently listening to me ramble at all hours of both of our timezones. Love you, boo!

Dividers by @firefly-graphics.

Series Masterlist - Part 2 - Part 4

Goodbye, Poe.

It won’t stop ringing in his ears.

Goodbye, Poe.

His heart is beating so hard and fast he feels lightheaded.

Goodbye, Poe.

He can’t stop staring at the door. You’re going to walk back through any second, he’s sure; he needs for you to walk back in, so that he can fall to his knees and beg for-

What? You’ve said how you feel. What could have changed in the twenty seconds since you walked out the door, possibly walked out of his life, since he finally, finally kissed you and oh god he needs to go after you, he’s got to apologize, grovel, anything-

He’s halfway out of his seat when a hand grabs his arm.

“What in the hell was that?!” Patty is gripping his bicep, dragging him towards the door that leads to the restrooms. “What in the hell was that?”

“I-” Poe can’t make his body cooperate with his brain. “She- I’ve got to-”

“Nuh uh,” Patty interrupts. “What you’ve got to do is sit your ass back down, you crazy-” She bullies him onto the bench outside the men’s room, standing in front of him with her hands on her hips, 5 feet even of disappointment and ire. His head is nearly level with hers, and he’s not an overly tall man; how she manages to still be so intimidating is beyond him. “What were you thinking, Poe?!”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know, I have no idea- we just, we were normal and then she asked me…” His voice dies in his throat, unable or unwilling to verbalize what had just happened, because if he does that, it makes it true, and she doesn’t want him, she doesn’t want him-

Patty pinches the bridge of her nose. “Lord, save me from the Dameron men and their idiocy.”

“Hey!” Poe’s not so out of it to ignore that. “Look, Patty, I-”

“If you’re gonna speak to me like that, it’s Ms Kanata to you, kid, and no. I talk, you listen, and then we’ll see if you get a say.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “I don’t care what just happened between the two of you, but whatever you did, you fix it, and you fix it immediately.”

“I didn’t-”

She waves a hand. “I didn’t ask if you did, or she did, or you both did, or if the President of the United States did.” Some of Patty’s ferocity visibly ebbs as she sighs deeply, and she looks at Poe with a look that’s tinged with compassion. “You told her.” It’s a statement, not a question.

Poe, refusing to make eye contact, nods once.

“And did she tell you?”

The inquiry makes his head snap up and he gapes at the matron. “You- she told you before she told me?!”

“Of course not.” Patty shakes her head, wearily joining Poe on the bench. “But I’ve been around for a long time, kiddo, and these glasses work just fine. Anyone can see how that girl looks at you.” She pats his shoulder affectionately. “It’s the same way you look at her.”

Poe shakes his head, dropping his gaze back to his hands. He’d touched you, tasted you, finally, the way he always dreamed. And you’d reciprocated, even after you’d insisted things couldn’t remain unchanged.

And then you’d fled.

You’d left him without a backwards glance.

It’s going to play on a loop inside his head for the rest of his life. Talk about watching your worst nightmare come true right in front of your eyes.

The worst part is, he can’t even blame you. Who the fuck would want to be shakled to a man with a freighter full of baggage, when they could have someone like Yeager?

Patty grasps his hand, reclaiming his attention. “What. Happened.” It’s an edict.

“She-” The words are ash in his mouth, the shame overwhelming him until he’s drowning in it, and fuck, this is exactly why he didn’t fucking say anything, because he’s a fucking defective ex-soldier with exactly nothing to offer besides nightmares and flashbacks and a whole lot of baggage, and motherfucking damnit why why why had he let you push him into confessing his gravest sin?

Another sob bubbles from his chest and he feels like he’s going to fly out of his skin. “I fucked up, Miss Patty,” he admits, his voice breaking as his gut starts to twist and his heart starts to race and then the lump in his throat feels bigger and bigger until he feels like he’s choking on it.

He can vaguely hear Patty over the roaring in his ears, but her words are washed away as his body begins to shut down and lock until he’s in agony. He falls off of the bench and lands heavily on his hands and knees. Even the pain doesn’t break him out of his own personal hell, and his nails dig against the linoleum as his breathing speeds until it’s suffocating. The vice around his ribs tightens with each shallow, gasping breath he’s able to suck in, until it’s crushing his lungs and he can’t breath and he can’t fucking breathe and fucking god this is what it feels like to die, isn’t it? This had to be what it felt like for Private Vanik, because surely there’s no coming back from this.

He’s sure he’d be screaming if he could draw a breath, but he can’t make his teeth unclench enough to let out more than the occasional broken squeal. He wants to cry out for help, for you, for his dad, for his mom. Fuck he wants his mamá. Because he can’t breathe, he can’t make it stop, he can’t make any of it stop, and for the love of everything please just let it end, let him die, whatever it takes to make. It. Stop.

Patty is pressed against his back now, taking deep, exaggerated breaths. At the back of his mind, he recognizes what she’s doing, trying to give him something to measure and try to mimic. It’s impossible. He’s starting to get lightheaded, because fucking christ he can’t fucking breathe and his body is holding him hostage and fuck, this is it, this has to be his recompense; for you, for Vanik, for his mom, for everyone he’s ever wronged, motherfucker it hurts so much. This, this is what he tried to spare you from, because the first time you see him like this, you’ll refuse to leave him because you’re so good and loving and he can’t possibly saddle you with a lifetime of this, but it doesn’t matter because he’s sure he’s seconds from suffocating. And maybe it’s a good thing, because if he dies, you’ll be free of the pain he’s caused you with his mistakes, and you’ll able to move on and be happy with fucking Yeager, and fuck if that dosn’t make his chest tighten more, how can his lungs squeeze this much, fucking fuck he’s about to be put out of his misery by his own thorax.

And just as suddenly as it started, it starts to fade.

The bands around his ribs loosen infinitesimally. The cacophony in his ears grows slightly quieter. Now he can hear Patty coaching him through breathing, and he desperately tries to imitate her steady pattern.

“That’s it, honey,” he hears her say, more clearly now. “Deep breaths, Poe. You’re safe, you’re not alone, I’ve got you, okay? In, and out…”

It takes an eternity, or maybe it’s just minutes, even seconds- he has zero concept of time right now- before he’s able to regain enough control over his body that he can fully expand his lungs. Patty carefully moves off of his back, and he half twists, half falls from his knees onto his backside. Resting his arms on his bent knees, continuing to catch his breath, he feels the weight of her gaze, and he’s mortified that anyone, especially Patty, bore witness to his weakness.

“Sorry,” he finally wheezes, still unable to meet her eyes.

“For what?” Her voice is genuinely curious.

He makes a halfhearted gesture with his hand. “For... that.” When she doesn't respond, he risks a look up.

The compassion and care in her eyes are unanticipated, and humbling. “Poe,” she finally says, speaking slowly and softly, “Why would you think you need to apologize for something you can’t control?”

Because my fuckup killed someone and this shit is my karma, he wants to say, but he can’t make himself do more than shrug.

“Here-” Patty reaches for him, “-let’s get you off the floor.” She helps him heave himself back onto the bench, before ordering him to stay right there. He keeps up the steady breaths as she ducks back into the kitchen, returning with a cold bottle of water. Poe takes it without complaint.

She’s silent as he rehydrates his exhausted body, but he can feel her watching him closely; whether keeping an eye out for any sign he’s going to fall victim to another attack, or out of motherly concern, he couldn’t say.

When he finally finishes the water and wipes his mouth with his sleeve, he still doesn’t have the strength to look up. “I’m sorry, because I should be able to control it.”

She scoffs. “Should a sailor be able to control the ocean? Should a pilot be able to control the clouds?” She lays a hand on his knee. “Kiddo, I know PTSD when I see it. It’s not your fault. And how it shows itself isn’t your fault, either.”

“It is my fault, ‘cause I’m the one who caused it,” he insists, his shame heavy on his shoulders. “I’m the one who- fuck, I made a mistake during- there was, I didn’t-” Hell, he can’t even speak clearly now? “I didn’t catch something until it was too late, and a soldier ended up dying because of it, because I didn’t do my fucking job, and I didn’t fucking notice. So, yeah, it’s my fault.” Why can’t anyone understand this? “I’m still here, it was my fault but I’m still fucking here, and he-” He can’t suppress a bitter laugh. “I deserve a lot worse.”

“Bullshit.”

He jerks his head up, his protests ready, but the expression on Patty’s face startles him into silence.

She stares him down with the kind of look you can only possess if you’ve seen some shit, and lived through more. “PTSD isn’t a punishment. You experienced something that would have been traumatic for anyone, and your brain processed it a certain way. You can’t change that. Poe, look at me.” She waits until he does before she continues, “I’m sorry about your friend. Truly. And I’m sorry you feel like it’s your fault. But a mistake is an accident. Punishing yourself for an accident isn’t fair to you, or to your friend’s memory. Making yourself suffer needlessly won’t bring him back.

“You’re not broken, honey. You’re not damaged, and you don’t need to be fixed. You’re human. Sure, getting you some help to handle what you’re dealing with is probably necessary.” She nudges him with an elbow. “But that doesn’t mean you deserve to stay hurting. You’ve got too big of a heart to deserve a hell like that.”

He shakes his head, but doesn’t look away (see? Growth!). “I don’t want to feel like this.”

Her smile is sympathetic. “Of course you don’t. Who would?”

“But I’m too fucking weak to stop it,” he scorns.

Patty’s face turns thunderous. “You ever say that in front of me again, Poe Dameron, and you don’t want to know what I’ll do.”

Poe is shocked enough at her fury that his mouth snaps shut.

She continues to glower at him. “Trauma is trauma. Some people aren’t affected by it and some people struggle with it their whole lives.” Using her finger to jab him in the chest, she emphasizes each word. “That. Doesn’t. Make. Anyone. Weak.”

“Miss Patty-”

“Hush!” She slices the air with her hand. “Do you think I’m weak?”

His curls fly as he rapidly shakes his head. “Of course not.” She’s one of the biggest badasses he’s ever met in his life, and he knows Senator Organa.

Patty crosses her arms over her chest. “And if I tell you I had nightmares for almost a decade after I was in a car crash that killed my sister?”

“What?” Poe tries really hard not to gape, but he can tell he fails.

“I would wake up screaming every night for years. I felt like I didn’t deserve to have lived when she’d died. And you know what?” Patty leans forward. “It took a long time, but I healed. I got help. I got a therapist. I still see her every single week, and that was twenty something years ago. And over time, after a lot of tears and a lot of guilt and a lot of pain, it got easier to laugh without feeling guilty, and thinking of her didn’t make me want to rip my own heart out. Poe-” She scoots off the bench and stands in front of him, both hands on his shoulders. “Being affected by trauma isn’t a weakness. And trauma doesn’t make you unworthy of anything.”

“I-”

“No, kiddo. You need to hear me. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to be in love. You’re allowed to laugh, and have fun, and be happy, and to be all those things with the woman you’ve loved your whole life.” She moves one hand to his cheek. “You owe it to everyone who isn’t here anymore to not live your life like you’re already gone, too.”

For one of the only times in his life, Poe is honestly speechless. He can feel his lower lip trembling. And even though he tries his hardest to hold back the torrent, it overwhelms the levees he’s built around his heart and he crumbles, his sobs coming from a place he’s kept buried so deep he has no idea how they find their way to the surface.

Patty wraps her arms around his shoulders as he weeps out his sins and his shame, not saying a word, just providing the presence and touch he needs to keep him grounded. And when his catharsis quiets, she rejoins him on the bench. “How you feeling, kid?”

“Like hot garbage.” And understandably, he reasons. Fuck, he’s cried more in the last hour than he has since his mom died. He glances over. “...but, thank you.”

She waves him off. “I’m a mom; when I see a kid crying, I’m morally obligated to provide comfort.” She winks. “Don’t think it means I like you or anything.”

“Of course not,” he says with a grin, already feeling lighter. After several moments of silence, he glances back at Patty again. “...so, now that you know my darkest secrets, can I ask you a question?”

She raises an eyebrow. “You just did.”

“C’mon, don’t be like that. I’ve wondered this for years.” He motions towards the doors to the dining room. “This place is called ‘Maz’s Cantina’, and you own it.”

“And?” She raises an eyebrow.

His grin is now devilish. “Is your name Patty? Or is it actually Maz?”

She doesn’t answer, just looks at him serenely.

“I knew it!” He can’t wait to tell you. If you’ll talk to him. Fuck. No, he’s not going there right now. “Okay, then, second question: how the everloving hell did you get ‘Patty’ out of ‘Maz’?”

“Who says ‘Patty’ is the nickname?” she answers, just as cheeky.

Poe tilts his head, considering. “Touché.” He pauses again. “....so, like, is it a middle name, or-”

“Get out of here, you donut.” Patty’s grin is fond.

“-maybe great grandma’s name?” He dodges as she elbows him. “Oh, no, wait, it’s the name of an ancestor who was a pirate queen, right? And she hey!” Poe ducks as she moves to smack him upside the head. “Fine! I’m going, I’m going.” He goes to stand but hesitates, uncharacteristically self conscious as he glances to his waitress-cum-confidante-cum-therapist. “...you think she’ll listen to me?”

“Kid-” Miss Patty, or Maz, or whatever she decides to be named- at this point Poe would call her the Supreme Leader of the universe if she wanted- pushes herself off the bench, pressing her hands on her lower back to stretch. “-if you live long enough, you see the same eyes in different people. Fear, regret, joy; forget wearing your heart on your sleeve-” She taps the wire-rimmed frame of her glasses. “-it’s the eyes that show the truth of a person’s soul. And eventually, you learn to recognize the character of a person on sight.”

She regards Poe steadily through the spectacles perched on the end of her nose. “I could tell from the first time the two of you sat down at my counter: you’re both people who look at the world through eyes of love. The pair of you have hearts bigger than you know what to do with. But the way you two look at each other?” She whistles, low. “There’ve only been a handful of people I’ve ever seen with their hearts in their eyes like you. Love like that is once in a lifetime, and that’s if you’re lucky enough to find it.” Winking at him, she jerks her head at the side exit. “Go get your girl. And tell your dad I better see him in here soon for some cheesecake.”

“Yes, Miss Patty.” Poe catches her hand before she turns to go. “Seriously. Thank you.”

She pats his cheek. “Thank me by not fucking this up. That girl deserves all the happiness in the world.” She squeezes his hand. “Just like you do.” Heading back towards the dining room, she leaves him sitting on the bench, calling over her shoulder, “I better be invited to the wedding!”

As emotionally fried as he is, Poe still can’t help but grin.

His thoughts are still in a jumble, but his heart is finally starting to release from the stranglehold it's been in since you’d left.

Maybe, maybe, he can fix this mess.

He’s got to try.

“I need help.”

Finn doesn’t even look up from the laptop. “Clearly.”

“Seriously, you dick-” Poe pulls the office door shut and drops into the visitor’s chair, “-I fucked up and I need advice.”

Maybe it’s the tone in his voice, or maybe it’s that in the time he’s known Finn, he’s never, ever asked for help before. But something makes Finn look at him, really, truly look, and whatever he sees is enough to have him closing the laptop and giving Poe his full attention.

“I-” Fuck, admitting this to his brother-by-choice is going to be harder than he realized. “I told her.”

Finn laughs. “I’m sorry, I must have zoned out. It sounded like you said ‘I told her’.”

Poe doesn’t respond.

It takes about fifteen seconds for it to sink in. “Wait, you told her?!”

Poe scooches further down in his chair. “Yes?”

The look on Finn’s face is the perfect combination of disbelief, incredulity, and exasperation. “You told her. What the hell. Man, she’s engaged.”

“Shockingly,” Poe replies without malice, “I am aware of that fact.”

“You sure?” Finn crosses his arms over his chest. “Because it sounds like you waited to tell your best friend that you’ve been in love with her your whole life until after she found happiness with someone else.”

“I know.” Boy, does he know.

“Which probably made her feel like absolute shit.”

“I know.”

“Because you waited to tell her until-”

“I know, okay?!” Poe finally explodes. “I fucking know. And, for the record? I was prepared to go to my grave without telling her, because nothing in this universe matters to me more than her happiness.”

“You have a pretty fucking strange way of showing it, then.” Finn scrubs a hand down his face. “How the hell did it even come up?”

“She asked me, point blank, at dinner last night.”

“Wait, she brought it up?” Thoroughly confused, Finn blinks stupidly. “I don’t- why?”

“She said-” Poe has to swallow, his mouth suddenly dry. “She said she doesn’t think it’s fair for us to stay like we are, to be so- that we need space if we’re not…” Goodbye, Poe. .

Finn is quiet for several long moments before he speaks, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “...she’s not wrong, you know.”

Poe sighs. “I know.”

Clearing his throat, Finn hesitates before standing to join Poe in the visitors chairs. “Do you want to tell me all of it?”

“Honestly? No.” Poe shrugs. “But it’s not like you don’t know most of it already.”

Finn exhales deeply. “Yeah, I do.”

“I-” Now that he has the opportunity, Poe doesn’t know where to start. “I know I told you when we were over there that I was going to tell her when I got back. And I was. Until- when Vanik-” He breaks off and makes himself take several deep breaths, refusing to hyperventilate for the second time in twenty-four hours. When he feels steady, he continues, “You know how fucked up I was when we came back.” Finn might be the only person in the world who knows.

His friend solemnly nods.

“I didn’t want to taint her with my bullshit.” He shakes his head as Finn goes to interject. “No, I know. I get it now. A very wise person knocked some sense into me last night.” He fiddles with his badge reel as he wryly smiles. “But that’s what held me back then. Before-” Running a finger through his inky curls, he huffs a sarcastic laugh. “Before that, I was just a coward.”

“I mean,” Finn concurs, “yeah.”

“Yeah.” Poe smiles sheepishly. “Sorry for being an idiot.”

“Hey, man. We all fuck up.” His brother-in-arms and closest friend- besides you, of course- shrugs and chuckles. “At least you two got it out in the open now. And it’s not like you guys hooked up or anything.”

Poe feels his ears start to turn pink.

Finn’s face is instantly wary. “Oh, God in heaven, please tell me you didn’t.”

“No!” Poe vehemently shakes his head. “Of course not.”

Sighing with relief, Finn clasps a hand over his heart. “Oh thank God. I knew you weren’t that much of a-”

“-we kissed.”

“You-” Finn’s face would be comical if the situation wasn’t so serious. “What.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Poe doesn’t say anything.

“Dude. Dude.” Finn looks like he might pass out. “What the fuck were you thinking? You’ve done some stupid shit in your life-”

“Love you too, man.”

“-but this takes the fucking cake.” Finn tips the chair back and covers his face with his hands. “You kissed her.”

Poe settles in for the (deserved) dressing down he knows is coming. “Yep.”

“I can’t believe you.” Finn shakes his head at the ceiling. “Actually, no, I am entirely unsurprised that you kissed her. Kissing her is the most you-thing I can possibly think of you doing. Because only an idiot would have kissed her in that situation.”

“Uh, hi,” Poe interjects, raising a hand. “I’m sitting right here?”

“Yeah?” Finn finally looks at him, clearly unimpressed. “And?”

“Helpful.”

“No-” Snapping the chair forward again and jabbing a finger at Poe, Finn is practically apoplectic. “Helpful would have been you asking her what she wanted to do-”

“-I did-”

“-and not fucking kissing- what the hell, man?!” Finn shakes his head so hard his dreads dance.

“I said, I did ask her what she wants.” Poe’s irritation is starting to rise. “I asked what she wanted, and she said she didn’t know.” The look on your face when you said that will be burned into his memory forever.

Finn’s eyebrows shoot up as he gapes at Poe. “She said she didn’t know? She didn’t tell you to go fuck yourself?”

“Not in so many words.” The same desperation he felt yesterday starts to rise in his throat. “She said she’s loved me the whole time, too.”

“Well, duh.” Finn snorts as Poe’s jaw drops. “C’mon, buddy, neither one of you was very good at hiding it. The two of you were probably the only two people alive who didn’t see it.”

“I-” Poe fiddles with his badge reel again. “...I asked if she was still going to marry him.”

“And she… fuck.” The look on Poe’s face is enough for Finn to guess the answer. “I’m sorry, Poe. That one I didn’t see coming.”

“No, it’s okay,” Poe says, and he’s both stunned and mollified to realize he’s telling Finn the truth. “It’s- it’s her choice.”

Finn’s already crossing his arms before Poe finishes speaking. “No. Nope. She’s out of her mind, yes, she is, Poe! I get it, she’s hurt, you’re both hurt, she feels like she can’t go back on her word, whatever-”

“Yeah, cause it’s not possible she actually loves Jarek.” Poe’s sarcasm is thick.

“I’m not saying she doesn’t love him. I’m saying she loves you in a way so profoundly different it probably terrifies her.” Finn leans forward, bracing his arms on his thighs. “Look- I’m sure she cares for Yeager. I hate to say it, but he’s a solid guy. And he clearly adores her. But that doesn’t mean she wants him more than she wants you.”

Poe blinks. “This sounds like the plot of a Hallmark Christmas movie.”

“You shut your dirty whore mouth about Hallmark Christmas movies, they’re art and I won’t be debating this topic.” Finn’s love for cheesy holiday romcoms is well established. “Now, focus.” He’s dropped into the tactician mode that earned him copious accolades during his military service.

Poe knows better than to interrupt again, and with a deep exhale, gestures for the good doctor to continue.

And continue, Finn does. “I would bet you anything that she doesn’t necessarily want to stay with Yeager. I would bet-” He counts each point on his fingers, “-she’s beyond hurt that you lied to her for so many years. Two, she’s ashamed that she’s also lied to you for so many years.”

Poe bristles and has to suppress the instinctive need to defend you.

“I’m not saying you both didn’t have your reasons, so stop looking at me like that, but it doesn’t change the facts. Three, if she calls off things with Yeager, she’s basically admitting she knew there wasn’t a future with him so long as you’re in her life, so now she feels like she’s lied to both of arguably the two most important men in her life. And four-” Finn levels a significant look at Poe. “She might not feel brave enough to take the risk of giving up a pretty-much guaranteed happy future with Yeager if she’s not absolutely certain that you’re in, no doubts and no reservations.”

Feeling his chest start to tighten, Poe digs his fingers into his thighs and breathes deeply, trying to force the feeling down. “There is nothing in my life I regret more than not being honest with her as soon as I realized how I felt, how I feel about her. I was scared, man, I didn’t- fuck, I didn’t- I couldn’t lose my best freind, Finn. I couldn’t lose her.”

He’s pleading and he doesn’t care.

“Being with her the way I dreamed wasn’t worth the risk. I didn’t, I still don’t care how she’s in my life. Okay? If she’s my friend, if she’s more, I don’t give a fuck, as long as she’s there, I just, it doesn’t fucking matter. I want whatever makes her happy. And if she-” His voice breaks and he has to take a moment to collect himself. “If it makes her happier- if she doesn’t want me there at all anymore, that’s- she gets to make that decision.” It’s hard to swallow around the words, but he knows he’s speaking the truth. “I’ve made enough decisions for her.”

Finn listens, ponders for a few moments, and then takes a deep breath.

“You are, without a doubt, the biggest fucking moron I’ve ever met.”

Okay, now he’s getting pissed. “Fuck you, man, I-”

“Will. You. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And. Listen?!”

The edge in Finn’s voice makes Poe do just that.

“You say you don’t want to make decisions for her,” Finn continues, “but that’s exactly what you’re doing if you don’t give her all the information before asking her to choose.” His face is serious. “All the information, Poe.”

Shit.

Even if Finn’s right, it’s a conversation Poe hoped to never have with you.

“You both need to talk, and not while wound up and in the middle of a restaurant. Let each of you get your side of things out, and then, and only then, either let her make the choice, or come to a decision together.” Finn regards him impassively. “If her friendship means as much to you as you say it does, don’t you owe each other that much?”

The same fear Poe felt that day at the creek fills his heart. “I’m scared,” he finally admits, knowing there’s no hiding his vulnerability from Finn.

Finn nods. “That’s how you know it’s the right thing to do.”

You words won’t leave his mind. Isn’t it time to be honest with each other?

He chews on his lip. It’s not like he could fuck up the situation any more that he already has.

Isn’t it time?

Several minutes pass before Poe looks up at Finn, who is waiting patiently, like always. “Thanks.”

Finn shrugs. “You’d do it for me.”

“Yeah,” Poe agrees, “I would.” He reaches towards Finn. “Hands.”

With an eyeroll but accompanied by a grin, Finn clasps Poe’s offered hand. “Hands.”

“I mean it, Finn.” Poe nods, sincerity etched on his face. “Every single one of them has the exact same plot.”

“Okay, one, fuck you, and two, no they do not!”

“Someone always comes back to their poedunk little town-”

“It’s called sentimentality!”

“-and there’s some tension with an old flame-”

“Romance, you dick, it’s called romance!”

“...uh, fellas?”

The two men glance towards the office door, where Rose is watching the show.

She jerks a thumb over her shoulder. “There’s a whole clinic of ankle-biters out there, in case you forgot?”

Poe stands and hefts Finn out of his chair as Rose heads back to the reception desk. “Better get cracking, Doc.”

“Just make sure you remember the Bluey bandaids today, okay?” Finn loops his stethoscope over his neck. “I cannot hear one more kid complaining that you gave them a Paw Patrol one instead.”

“Duh. Everyone knows Bluey bandaids make shots hurt less. God, what useless crap did they teach you in med school?”

Poe’s grinning, but Finn must read something on his face, because he pauses halfway to the door before turning back and clasping Poe on the shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay, alright?” Finn assures him. “She loves you. She’s going to listen.”

God, Poe hopes he’s right.

Series Masterlist - Part 2 - Part 4

A/N: Poe's panic attack is an almost exact description of how my own manifest. They're terrifying, especially when you're alone, and for me, include hyperventilation and feeling like I'm going to die. If you also suffer from panic attacks, I am sending you the biggest hugs I have. They are awful and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

If you or someone you know suffers from PTSD, please seek help.

[proudtoehaver]

Chapter 5 – An Evening Among Friends

A/N: Can also be read  on AO3.

If you want to start at chapter 1 it can be found on AO3 and on tumblr.

I apologize for taking so long with this, I needed to make a decision of where exactly to take this story and how I was going to get there. Hopefully I’ll be able to write chapters a bit faster now that that is sorted.

Finn reaches for another bite on his plate, only to find it empty of food. He stares at it, surprised that he'd finished all of it without noticing. But then, he had been too occupied trying to find anything about Beshen-42 or Datung.

He's tempted to continue digging, but he suspects that looking through maps and navigational records will get him no more than he already has. The kind of information he wants, that he needs, can't be found in star charts or travel routes.  

But it might be found in the recreational lounge's media library.

That knowledge exerts an almost physical pull on him, a siren's call to his heart, to go to the lounge right this instant and flip through the holonovels and documentaries for anything that might be there.

Doing so might call attention to him though. He had said he was going to work on these maps until he was done and failing to do that would rise questions. He normally followed through with his promises and deviating from his habit would cause raised eyebrows.

It, he, will have to wait till later if he wants to dig around unnoticed.

With a sigh he pulls out the chip with the navigational data and reinserts the old Imperial map Brance had given to him a few hours earlier – was it really only a few hours, it feels like a lifetime – and calls it up. If he's waiting, he might as well do some of that work he had promised to do.

His concentration keeps slipping away though his thoughts wandering to the mystery of Datung, a thousand questions whirling through his head, all of them unanswerable.

Mentally disciplining himself he again and again brings attention back to the star chart to look at another system and another, to add what he knows about the First Order's activities in it. And three or four systems later his mind is wandering again. The cycle continues for over an hour, Finn's irritation at himself at his inability to keep his mind where it should be, constantly mounting.  

In the end he surrenders. He'll get nothing more done tonight, try as he might. He may as well call it a day, pack up and head to the lounge and if any questions are asked, then he'll just have to come up with some sort of answer.

He shuts down the console after having taken a copy of the section of both Imperial and Republic map that contains his home system and heads back to his quarters, detouring through the mess to drop of the dirty dishes.

He locks up the Imperial map in the safe in his room. He's still a little surprised at the easy trust general Organa, major Brance and all of the Resistance has put in him. Picking his memory for information makes sense, but that they trust him with sensitive information, continues to surprise him.  

As does the level of privacy he has. His quarters might be small by the standard of most people in the Resistance, he continuously hears others bemoan how tiny the rooms on the old ship are.  But while each one is indeed small, having only room for a bed, closet and a tiny desk and chair, they're one-person cabins giving the resident total privacy, an unheard-of luxury to Finn whose life have been dominated of dorms and sleeping quarters for full squads of people to a room. As is the private fresher, though this is shared with the cabin beside his own as are all of them. But used as he is to communal facilities sharing it with one other person is no hardship. Even less so as the person he shares with is Poe and the man has a tidy streak that almost rivals Finn's own.

Having locked up the files safely Finn's gaze fleetingly crosses the bed. It looks soft and tempting as a sudden weariness wash over him leaving him feeling drained and his head filled with fuzz. But the beckon call of the lounge's library is stronger still.

                                                           oOoOo

The lounge is crowded with people, most of which Finn are casually acquainted with and he has to decline several invitations to join in various activities as he crosses the room to the corner that keeps their library.  

The friendly welcome he is met with leaves him with a feeling of awkward discomfort. It is still too new and unfamiliar for him to be accepted in this easy manner and he's never quite sure how to respond, or able to silence that tiny suspicious voice that tells him that none of this is real and that every smile and invitation to join hides some other motive.

The five and a half bookcases that are crammed together can hardly be called for a library in Finn's opinion. And it's not just the size, its content is such a mishmash of things, a throw together of whatever various Resistance members had donated to it.

He's pretty sure that if he tried to explain the size of the libraries that Stormtrooper cadets have access to, most people here wouldn't believe him. He doubts they'd understand how it's possible to have access to so much information and not see the First Order for what it is. But Finn has discovered exactly how insidious the First Order is after leaving. It isn't that they restrict information it's that they offer one and only one view, their own. If you tell people the same lie long enough, if you give them access only to that one falsehood and present it as the truth, then very few people will be able to see through it, much less present a counter argument.

But right at this moment Finn almost longs for those libraries, silently berating himself for never daring to look up the name of his home planet, seek information about it. But when he had had the chance he had always been too scared, terrified that it would ever be discovered that he knew what he should not. So it became a secret he carried in his heart but never dared to do anything about.

He can only hope that now he has found the courage and the beginning of an answer, he can find what he seeks.

A few Resistance member spend some of their free time keeping the library in some vague semblance of order, so finding works about galactic history and geography isn't hard. The challenge is choosing which will hold the greatest chance of him finding what he's looking so he won't have to read every single item to find out if what he seeks is there or not.

"Hey there."

Poe voice makes him jump.

"Sorry I startled you again. You seem far away today."

"Yeah, no. Just-"  

Stars, what is he going to say?

"Looking for any new romances?" Poe teases kindly.

Finn chuckles. His love of romantic stories has become something of a friendly, running joke among his friends.

"No, more- More history or, stuff like that."  

Yeah, that's safe.

"Anything in particular?" Karé asks as she steps up to them.

"Erm, maybe-" He can feel his heart racing and he's wondering if his nerves are written all over his face. "Well, eh- Looking at all those maps got me thinking that I know the First Order's version of the story of the Civil War and the formation of the New Republic. I'd kinda like to get to know the other side?"

Poe gives him a sly grin and an 'uh oh' look that Finn doesn't understand. Karé immediately piques up.

"I know who you need," she says. "I saw her here the other day."  

Poe leans over and whispers, "You hit her favorite topic, she's a major history buff."

"Let me see, hope she's still here. Ah yes!"

She pulls out two holonovels from the shelf and hands them to Finn, the gleam of excitement in her eyes impossible to miss.

"Jafan Zapal's books on the beginning of the Rebellion and the early formation of the Republic. Her main time period in these two is about ten years after the formation of the Empire to about five years after its fall, but she goes further back a few times. She isn't just critical of the Empire but also of the new Republic, made her not very popular telling people things they didn't want to hear."

"Critical how?" Finn asks.

"She thought the New Republic repeated too many of the old one's mistakes. Mistakes that led to the formation of the Empire. That they focused too much on getting things running and not on getting them running well, had no time plan for implementing very much needed changes in structure and government that couldn't be put into effect right away and therefore ran the risk of never being done. Especially as those changes would harm those of the old guard still around and in power. She wrote a whole series of articles about it for scientific journals. Got her fired in the end."

She pulls a grimace.  

"Well, they claimed it was due to restructuring," she goes on. "But they wanted her gone. Thought it gave them bad publicity. So, she turned to writing popular science books like these two. They were her first and are by far the most popular. Why are you laughing, Poe?"

Poe holds up his hands, a smile still on her face.

"I'm not, I swear I'm not. I just sometimes forget how passionate you are about history."

"Poe, it's history. It's what we're fighting for in a way. If we can't remember who we were, how will we know who we will be? You of all people should understand that."

Poe blinks and he looks a little shocked to Finn.

"Yeah, I... suppose you're right," Poe replies quietly, but Karé seems not to notice as she turns back to Finn.

"These makes for a good start if you want to know about history from the Empire and forward. I can throw some more at you when you're done if you want?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. That would be great."

"But whatever you do, give Corr Berand a wide berth."

"He's not that bad," Snap, who has joined them, interjects.

"You're right, he's worse. He did well under the Empire for a reason. The man is a bigot, a chauvinist and a member of the Centrists' Old Empire faction. And I better give the politics a rest, I can feel Jess giving me side eye. If we skip playing vector tonight just because I went off, I'll never hear the end of it."

"It's okay. Thanks for the recs," Finn says, pockets the two holonovels and takes a step back.

Poe puts a hand on his arm.

"Please stay. If not, I'm going to have to team with Snap and he's shit at strategy games."

Finn expects Snap to protest, but the large man just grins.

"I don't know," Finn replies.

He's itching to go back to his room with the two holonovels and skim through to see if there's anything at all about his home planet.

Poe puts a hand on Finn's arm. It's warm and he can feel the grasp through the fabric of his jacket.

"Please?" Poe says, is warm eyes exerting their own pull on Finn.

"One game."

"Great!"

                                                              oOoOo

Vector is a game with its origin in dejarik, but instead of pitting two players against each other it has each side be a team of two or three people, each player with their own pieces that they control. The goal is the same as in dejarik though, to defeat the opponent or render their forces inoperative, but has the added element of needing teamwork and the complication of team members not being able to discuss tactics during the game but having to read each other's moves.

While dejarik had been a common game played by the Stormtrooper cadets it was not one Finn had played often. Not because he wasn't good, but because he was too good. No one wanted to constantly lose to him. But the added complications of vector are still new to him as he's not had many chances to play it yet in the brief time since he left the First Order.

He's good a teamwork, but he's used to being put in a leadership position with others following him and the give and take style of Poe's leadership with its unclear hierarchy is unfamiliar to him. Karé and Jess on the other hand has worked together countless of times and it shows in the effortless way they read each other's moves and strategies, and by the time the match is less than half way done it is clear to Finn that he and Poe is going to lose this one.

Perhaps his thoughts are a self-fulfilling prophecy or perhaps it would have gone that way regardless of his expectations, but he and Poe do end up the losers.

Poe congratulates Karé and Jess, and the two of them drifts off to one of the sofa arrangements along with Snap. Finn stays seated at the game board, looking at it in dismay.

Poe puts a hand on his shoulder, drawing his attention away.

"Hey, you coming? Or you calling it a night?"

"I'm sorry we lost."

A frown flits across Poe's face.

"Hey, it's nothing. It's just a game. We weren't even playing for money."

Finn shrugs, unable to let go of his sense of anxiety and irritation.

"I guess," he replies mostly to say something and gets off the chair. "I'm going to head back to my room, I'm kinda tired."

Poe nods.

"I'll come too. I'm pretty done in. It's been a long day."

"Okay."

Bidding the other three goodnight, the two of them head off together.

                                                        oOoOo

Spaceships has no nighttime as there is no night in space and the machinery needs constant supervision. So its rooms and corridors are always filled with beings fulfilling their tasks or going from one job to another. But as Finn and Poe heads towards their cabins it is between shifts, so the corridors are less busy than they could have been.

"Poe, can I ask you something?" Finn says as they walk.

"Sure, buddy."

"When Karé said that 'you of all people should understand that', that is, the importance of history, what did she mean?"

"I guess, that... my family is from Alderaan. That when our planet was destroyed remembering who we were became all the more important if we were going to hold on to ourselves and not get swallowed up by the galaxy."

"Oh, I didn't know that. That you were from Alderaan, your family I mean."

Poe shrugs.

"I've always thought of myself from Yavin, that's the only place I recall. There's a strong Alderaanian foundation in the settlement I grew up in, but it's not really something I spend a lot of time thinking about. There's stuff from other places too, we're not the only ones living there. And it just... kinda is. I don't know if that makes sense."

"Maybe."

Where you grew up, how you grew up, was something you carried with you no matter what. But maybe it wasn't that big a deal, maybe it didn't have to be.  

He looks at Poe out of the corner of his eye. The man looks tired and worn. The lines on his face usually soft and barely noticeable, have become deep grooves.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Hmmm? What? Yeah, I'm- I'm fine. Why?"

"You look a little, well tired."

"It's late." The lightness in Poe's voice sounds contrived.

"It's not that late really and you don't usually look like this even when it's much later."

"It's- Argh, it's a lot of things. I'll feel better after a night's sleep."

Finn makes a small hmmm, not pushing the issue though he gets the feeling that Poe isn't telling him the truth.

"How about you?" Poe asks. "How are you doing? You've felt spacy when I talked to you tonight and... well, like you're somewhere else. Or want to be somewhere else."

Finn feels his pulse pick up.

"No, it's- It's my dream, it just keeps coming back. I just wish I could forget it. That it'd leave me alone."

"Ah. Yeah, well. Let's hope you can sleep without dreams tonight. And if they do get bad, you know my room is just through the fresher. You can always come in."

Finn shifts on his feet, feeling both warm and cold at once.

"Yeah."

There's a moment of silence before Poe smiles again and briefly clasps Finn's shoulder.

"Goodnight then."

"Goodnight."

                                                            oOoOo

Poe's is greeted by soft beeps from BB-8 the moment he steps through the door.

"Hey there, buddy," he says softly as he steps into the room.

He kneels down and gently rubs Beebeeate's round belly.

"How was your day?"

He's answered by a flurry of enthusiastic beeps.

"Huh, that good?"

There's no masking the affirmative, nor the querying tone in the whistles that follows.

"It was- It could have gone better. I just don't know how to handle all these kids. Eh, maybe I'm just getting old, can't stay twenty forever, " he says with a lightness he doesn't feel.

He gets to his feet and start making his usual 'before bed' rounds in the room, setting the alarm, fluffing his pillows and changing into his nightclothes. But it isn't the troubles of the new recruits, or their youth that occupies his mind as her gets ready for bed. Rather it's Finn.

He was so clearly uncomfortable earlier, nervous and agitated, and very distant all evening. He had put in some effort in their game, but he still seemed not quite himself and not altogether there. The lighthearted quips he'd usually make were nowhere to be heard, nor was his soft laugh.

The answer Finn had given minutes ago had felt off, like there was something he held back, something he didn't want to tell Poe. Maybe he should have pushed harder to get Finn to talk, but it felt like too much of a violation of Finn's privacy. If he wanted to keep this to himself, surely that was his right.

Poe just wishes that Finn would open up, even a little. Even if it is to tell Poe to take a hike.

If his company was making Finn feel uncomfortable, whether it was because of Poe's active part in combat or because of his growing feelings for Finn, then it might be better for both of them to part ways instead of wearing away at each other. Even though the thought of a life without Finn is not a something he wants to entertain perhaps it would be for the best.

And if it's something else that's burdening him, then carrying it alone can't be good.

Tomorrow, Poe promises himself. He'll try again tomorrow. And the next day and the next, until something gives. He can't just let things stand as they are, he can't let Finn fight with whatever this is alone.