#finish some of the exemplar work they wanted (cus i was having palpitations so bad i couldnt sit up 👍) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ragnars-tooth · 21 days ago

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one thing they don't tell you about academics being your only form of validation is that you'll end up having incredibly embarrasing conversations. in my first year halls i told my mate i did badly at a level... and then revealed i got two A*s and a B 💀

i more than passed. i got the highest classification i could in two of the subjects i studied and i still thought i was shit becuase i didnt get the third A while actively sick in bed for a year. I DIDN'T GO TO CLASSES FOR SIX MONTHS. I HAD TO TEACH MYSELF THE A LEVEL CONTENT WHEN ALL ONLINE SUPPORT HAD STOPPED 'POST' COVID. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T DO GOOD ENOUGH???

and not only is that really ridiculous on it's own- that i was never congratulated by my parents or my teachers for doing well because i could have done better, and should have lived up to my potential- but i also made my friend feel like shit. becuase he was on the more academic course than me and had gotten way lower grades (that were still incredible!!! he got on his dream course!!! he was doing what he wanted where he wanted to do it!!!)!!! i was so delirious to the high of BIG GRADE i didn't even realise i was putting everyone around me down because i couldn't get straight 100s!!!

IT'S ALL FAKE. IT'S ALL NUMBERS. THE AVERAGE GRADE IS A C AND C'S GET DEGREES. WHY DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY DOING ANYTHING MORE!!!

#rangnar rambles #'and how are you doing now you've exited full time education' ill let you know when i feel like a human being again #realistically i was also very focused on school bc i used it to escape what was happening to me at home. And because i liked learning #but if i could go back in time and tell myself to just get the bs. god i think i'd have been so much more alive #i tend to throw in the caveat that it was a covid year so i never took exams (bc i physically couldnt attend for months)#but actually. no. i got those grades through a lot of hard work #i do well in exams and also the a*s were in coursework subjects #i actually think i might have done *better* if id taken the biology exams bc my teachers gave up on trying to contact me and i didnt get to #finish some of the exemplar work they wanted (cus i was having palpitations so bad i couldnt sit up 👍)#like. wow. WOW. i was convinved i fucked up big time #probably didnt help that this was a private school i got a full ride to for the 2 years i was there #so i did have immense impostor syndrome with all those rich people who had been 1on1 tutored since they popped out the womb #but also i did. achieve that scholarship. i was consistently top of that history class #i didnt necessarily think i shouldnt have been there (bc i beat twenty people to get in and that place wouldve cost us 32k for the 2 years)#but i DID think everyone hated me because i was poor #they didnt. i was just strange and being abused and as a result not very easy to talk to #and i still am 🥰🫶 <- working on it #also the cliques in an all girls private school when theyve all been there since age 3/11 are NUTS. i was Not getting into one of those by #only talking to the other scholarship kids #idk im reminiscing on early uni again and finding a lot more grace for child me and their bewildering standards #i shouldve been in the club (eating legos). no WONDER everything fell apart

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